1
00:00:01,065 --> 00:00:02,698
[ Crickets chirping ]
2
00:00:02,734 --> 00:00:07,403
[ Sneaky music playing ]
3
00:00:07,439 --> 00:00:08,838
[ Lowered voice ] All clear?
4
00:00:08,873 --> 00:00:10,506
[ Lowered voice ] On my signal.
5
00:00:10,542 --> 00:00:12,608
Go, go, go! We gotta
get out before Hayley --
6
00:00:12,660 --> 00:00:13,910
Dad?
[ Normal voice ] Hayley's home!
7
00:00:13,945 --> 00:00:15,912
[ Switch clicks ] Hey, girl!
8
00:00:15,947 --> 00:00:18,381
What's going on?
Nothing or whatever.
9
00:00:18,416 --> 00:00:21,818
Wait a minute. Dad's wearing
his special eating pants,
10
00:00:21,853 --> 00:00:24,520
and mom's got Tupperware labeled
"Cheesecake Warehouse."
11
00:00:24,556 --> 00:00:27,290
[ Gasps ] You're going
to the Cheesecake Warehouse!
12
00:00:27,325 --> 00:00:29,792
Ugh. Now I suppose everybody
has to listen to a thing.
13
00:00:29,828 --> 00:00:31,794
Did you know
the Cheesecake Warehouse
14
00:00:31,830 --> 00:00:33,296
makes $2 billion a year
15
00:00:33,331 --> 00:00:34,831
while their employees
make minimum wage?
16
00:00:34,866 --> 00:00:36,116
It's not fair!
17
00:00:36,236 --> 00:00:39,469
Hayley, let me break this down
like the great Vanessa Williams
18
00:00:39,504 --> 00:00:41,037
in "a diva's Christmas Carol."
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00:00:41,072 --> 00:00:44,974
♪ Don't be so serious,
there must be some mistake ♪
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00:00:44,976 --> 00:00:49,729
♪ am I delirious
or do you want a cheesecake? ♪
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00:00:49,781 --> 00:00:52,982
The Cheesecake Warehouse is
the leading cause of diabetes
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00:00:53,017 --> 00:00:54,383
in the state of Virginia.
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00:00:54,419 --> 00:00:55,618
[ All groan ]
24
00:00:55,653 --> 00:00:57,553
Hayley, you're always
ranting --
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00:00:57,589 --> 00:01:00,089
"This isn't fair,
that isn't fair,
26
00:01:00,124 --> 00:01:01,858
"children don't belong
in factories,
27
00:01:01,893 --> 00:01:04,494
I shouldn't print out
all my e-mails."
28
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[ Scoffs ] You're such a downer.
29
00:01:06,130 --> 00:01:08,598
Being opinionated
doesn't make me a downer.
30
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Tell 'em, Jeff.
31
00:01:09,868 --> 00:01:11,400
Well...
32
00:01:11,436 --> 00:01:13,102
I can't believe this.
33
00:01:13,137 --> 00:01:15,371
I'm used to hearing it
from them, but...
34
00:01:15,406 --> 00:01:17,507
It's not you. It's just...
35
00:01:17,542 --> 00:01:20,943
You kinda have a frowny face,
which can put people off.
36
00:01:20,979 --> 00:01:23,112
If you just did this...
37
00:01:23,147 --> 00:01:24,814
That's what I'm --
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Hayley's back.
39
00:01:26,050 --> 00:01:27,650
It's just how I look, okay?
40
00:01:27,685 --> 00:01:29,785
Actually, that's not true.
41
00:01:29,821 --> 00:01:32,054
You were the happiest
little 6-year-old.
42
00:01:32,090 --> 00:01:34,423
Remember her beautiful smile?
43
00:01:34,459 --> 00:01:36,859
I had to fight the kidnappers
away.
44
00:01:36,895 --> 00:01:38,094
Seriously?
45
00:01:38,129 --> 00:01:40,029
Is it really so hard to believe?
46
00:01:40,064 --> 00:01:42,532
I mean, am I so horrible?
47
00:01:42,584 --> 00:01:44,450
Is it that impossible
to be around me?
48
00:01:44,502 --> 00:01:47,537
[ Tires screech, engine revs ]
49
00:01:47,539 --> 00:01:51,624
♪ We made a getaway
'cause Hayley's hard to take ♪
50
00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:55,878
♪ dad put the pedal down,
we're gonna eat a cheesecake ♪
51
00:01:55,930 --> 00:01:58,431
♪
52
00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:01,684
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
53
00:02:01,719 --> 00:02:04,971
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
54
00:02:05,023 --> 00:02:08,057
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
55
00:02:08,059 --> 00:02:12,528
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
56
00:02:14,449 --> 00:02:17,533
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say
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00:02:17,569 --> 00:02:19,902
♪ good --
♪ good morning, U.S.A.
58
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,944
[ Crickets chirping ]
59
00:02:27,979 --> 00:02:30,446
Hey, babe, what you doing?
60
00:02:30,481 --> 00:02:33,416
Oh, why'd you get out
your paper Facebook?
61
00:02:33,451 --> 00:02:37,753
Look at this.
I-I'm smiling in every picture.
62
00:02:37,755 --> 00:02:41,724
It's weird, but I don't remember
any of this.
63
00:02:41,759 --> 00:02:44,193
I guess 'cause drugs.
64
00:02:44,228 --> 00:02:46,028
"Happy Hayley"?
65
00:02:46,064 --> 00:02:47,997
God, what happened to me?
66
00:02:48,032 --> 00:02:49,865
I mean, my family's avoiding me.
67
00:02:49,901 --> 00:02:51,567
What if I drive you away?
68
00:02:51,603 --> 00:02:54,737
Babe, that'll never happen.
I got nowhere else to go.
69
00:02:54,772 --> 00:02:57,707
Oh, happy Hayley.
Those were the days.
70
00:02:57,742 --> 00:03:00,209
Oh, my God!
How are you doing that?
71
00:03:00,244 --> 00:03:03,012
I'm from outer space, Jeff.
I can do lots of cool shit.
72
00:03:03,047 --> 00:03:06,082
Here's a little sump'n sump'n
I learned on Vega five.
73
00:03:08,019 --> 00:03:09,452
[ Groans ]
74
00:03:09,487 --> 00:03:10,853
You remember happy Hayley?
75
00:03:10,888 --> 00:03:12,588
What? Oh, sure.
76
00:03:12,624 --> 00:03:14,123
Always smiling.
77
00:03:14,125 --> 00:03:15,958
[ Baby voice ]
You were a bunny-wunny.
78
00:03:15,994 --> 00:03:18,761
You were a sweetie-cutie-
baby-honey-pie.
79
00:03:18,796 --> 00:03:21,464
You were tooshy-wooshy-
boohjy-boohjy.
80
00:03:21,516 --> 00:03:23,099
[ Normal voice ] And now
I'm indifferent to you.
81
00:03:23,134 --> 00:03:25,001
Oh, I wish I could remember
what it felt like
82
00:03:25,036 --> 00:03:26,235
to be that happy.
83
00:03:26,270 --> 00:03:27,937
You can. Make an appointment
84
00:03:27,972 --> 00:03:30,106
to see Dr. penguin
for hypnotherapy.
85
00:03:30,141 --> 00:03:32,708
Roger, I don't want you
messing around with my head.
86
00:03:32,744 --> 00:03:35,177
Happy Hayley
at the petting zoo?!
87
00:03:35,213 --> 00:03:37,730
Oh, I just
wanna love her forever!
88
00:03:37,782 --> 00:03:39,198
Is Dr. penguin
available now?
89
00:03:39,233 --> 00:03:40,816
We can probably squeeze you in,
90
00:03:40,818 --> 00:03:42,151
but we don't take insurance.
91
00:03:42,186 --> 00:03:43,066
We don't know how.
92
00:03:44,661 --> 00:03:45,927
[ School bell rings ]
93
00:03:45,962 --> 00:03:47,662
So we're at
the Cheesecake Warehouse,
94
00:03:47,664 --> 00:03:49,881
and Charlotte comes over.
We're in her section.
95
00:03:49,916 --> 00:03:51,084
Nice.
96
00:03:51,204 --> 00:03:53,334
And I said, "Charlotte,
I want you to take away
97
00:03:53,386 --> 00:03:54,752
"this fork and knife
98
00:03:54,804 --> 00:03:56,420
and bring me some pork
I can eat with a spoon."
99
00:03:56,473 --> 00:03:58,506
[ Chuckles ] She laughs
and probably forgets
100
00:03:58,508 --> 00:04:00,508
about her blind son
for a moment.
101
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,844
But when the pork comes,
oh, my God.
102
00:04:02,846 --> 00:04:04,512
What is it, Steve?
103
00:04:04,514 --> 00:04:06,931
It was stringy,
tough, chewy, even.
104
00:04:06,983 --> 00:04:08,766
I had to ask for
my knife and fork back.
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00:04:08,818 --> 00:04:10,101
[ All gasp ]
106
00:04:10,153 --> 00:04:11,652
Charlotte had to do
the walk of shame
107
00:04:11,688 --> 00:04:13,070
to the utensil station,
108
00:04:13,106 --> 00:04:15,690
and I went home
with a gut full of hard pork.
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00:04:15,692 --> 00:04:17,658
[ Lowered voice ] Yo,
couldn't help but overhear.
110
00:04:17,694 --> 00:04:20,928
You boys in the market
for some soft pork?
111
00:04:20,964 --> 00:04:23,564
Oh, dear.
You want the perfect pork?
112
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:27,435
You gotta get yourself
a slow cooker.
113
00:04:27,470 --> 00:04:28,736
Get outta here, Tim.
114
00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:31,005
You're not even a real pervert.
115
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,808
A slow cooker really
makes that much of a difference?
116
00:04:33,843 --> 00:04:36,010
After you do a slow cook,
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00:04:36,045 --> 00:04:38,479
you'll never look at pork
the same way again.
118
00:04:38,515 --> 00:04:41,382
Whoa! Message received,
buddy.
119
00:04:41,417 --> 00:04:45,419
Before I give you this,
there's one thing to remember.
120
00:04:45,455 --> 00:04:49,423
The slower the cook,
the better the taste.
121
00:04:49,459 --> 00:04:53,494
The slower the cook,
the better the taste.
122
00:04:53,530 --> 00:04:55,796
The slower the cook...
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00:04:55,832 --> 00:04:58,165
[ Whispers ]
the better the taste.
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00:04:58,201 --> 00:05:00,034
[ All gasp ]
125
00:05:00,069 --> 00:05:02,570
That guy's so weird about pork.
126
00:05:02,605 --> 00:05:05,456
Anyway...
[ Deep voice ] I'm Batman.
127
00:05:05,491 --> 00:05:07,875
[ Birds chirping ]
128
00:05:07,911 --> 00:05:09,644
So here's how it works.
129
00:05:09,679 --> 00:05:12,146
I do hypnotherapy to help
people better themselves,
130
00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:14,815
to stop smoking...
or start smoking.
131
00:05:14,851 --> 00:05:16,450
I do both, whichever's easier.
132
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One's way easier.
133
00:05:18,154 --> 00:05:20,755
Anyhow, we'll use hypnotherapy
to bring you back
134
00:05:20,790 --> 00:05:22,690
to when you were 6,
and we'll find out
135
00:05:22,725 --> 00:05:24,475
what made you so happy.
136
00:05:24,510 --> 00:05:28,930
You're 6 years old again.
6 years old.
137
00:05:28,982 --> 00:05:30,648
With every swing of the watch,
138
00:05:30,683 --> 00:05:32,483
you go a little deeper.
139
00:05:32,518 --> 00:05:34,936
Happy Hayley.
140
00:05:36,739 --> 00:05:38,673
Hayley's still in there
with Dr. penguin?
141
00:05:38,708 --> 00:05:39,941
How long has it been?
142
00:05:39,976 --> 00:05:41,542
I don't know, Mr. S.
143
00:05:41,578 --> 00:05:44,245
Hayley usually keeps track
of how long I sit.
144
00:05:46,583 --> 00:05:47,815
[ Door opens ]
145
00:05:47,850 --> 00:05:49,116
Roger! Snap out of it!
146
00:05:49,118 --> 00:05:51,452
Oh, my God.
I think I did it.
147
00:05:51,454 --> 00:05:54,522
I quit! I quit not smoking!
148
00:05:54,557 --> 00:05:56,090
I gotta get a ciggy!
149
00:05:56,125 --> 00:05:57,959
Hayley, are you all right?
150
00:05:58,011 --> 00:06:00,661
[ High-pitched childish voice ]
Daddy! Can we get ice cream?
151
00:06:00,697 --> 00:06:02,463
Pretty, pretty please?!
152
00:06:02,465 --> 00:06:06,133
Yeah, sure, if you can
tell me how old you are.
153
00:06:06,185 --> 00:06:08,936
Silly, daddy. I'm 6!
154
00:06:08,972 --> 00:06:10,721
What?
Roger, what did you --
155
00:06:10,773 --> 00:06:12,223
[ joint cracks ]
Uhh!
156
00:06:12,275 --> 00:06:14,558
[ Strained voice ]
My back! It's the l-5!
157
00:06:14,611 --> 00:06:18,195
[ Groans ] Must... get to...
vicodin stash.
158
00:06:18,231 --> 00:06:20,531
Horsey ride! [ Giggles ]
[ Grunting ]
159
00:06:20,566 --> 00:06:22,149
Whoa! Ride 'em, girl!
160
00:06:22,201 --> 00:06:24,535
[ Laughing ]
Ah!
161
00:06:24,570 --> 00:06:28,122
[ Slurring ] This was supposed
to be a fun night. [ Cries ]
162
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:30,860
[ Birds chirping ]
163
00:06:30,895 --> 00:06:32,612
One, two, three...
164
00:06:32,664 --> 00:06:33,985
Roger, we can't have
a grown woman
165
00:06:33,998 --> 00:06:35,596
acting like a child.
166
00:06:35,716 --> 00:06:37,666
This ain't no Disney channel.
167
00:06:37,718 --> 00:06:40,335
...9, 10! Couch attack!
168
00:06:40,387 --> 00:06:42,087
Uhh!
169
00:06:42,139 --> 00:06:44,089
Roger, hypnotize Hayley back.
170
00:06:44,141 --> 00:06:46,475
Okay, okay, just let me finish
this last one.
171
00:06:46,510 --> 00:06:48,977
[ Inhales deeply ]
172
00:06:49,013 --> 00:06:53,031
[ Gulps ]
Smoking's so glamorous.
173
00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:54,266
[ Lighter clicks ]
174
00:06:55,736 --> 00:06:59,104
You're not 6 anymore.
You're not 6 anymore.
175
00:06:59,156 --> 00:07:02,574
Tag! You're it!
[ Giggling ]
176
00:07:02,610 --> 00:07:06,078
There's fishy! Fishy!
177
00:07:06,113 --> 00:07:09,081
Oh, no. Happy Hayley,
my mortal enemy.
178
00:07:09,116 --> 00:07:10,349
The monster is back.
179
00:07:10,384 --> 00:07:13,702
Hurricane fishy!
180
00:07:13,754 --> 00:07:15,537
Ugh. This is my fault
181
00:07:15,589 --> 00:07:18,006
for not putting up sandbags.
182
00:07:18,042 --> 00:07:19,424
[ Birds chirping ]
183
00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:23,011
Mommy, I'm hungry.
Can I have a hot dog?
184
00:07:23,047 --> 00:07:25,047
You want a hot dog?
185
00:07:25,099 --> 00:07:26,715
And some mint chip ice cream.
186
00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:31,036
Why, uh, of course, honey.
I'll whip that up right now.
187
00:07:31,071 --> 00:07:33,639
You're the best mommy ever!
188
00:07:33,641 --> 00:07:35,140
Hey!
189
00:07:35,192 --> 00:07:37,226
This is my chance
to raise her right.
190
00:07:37,278 --> 00:07:39,978
[ Inhales ] Get her
into child acting...
191
00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:42,531
[ Exhaling deeply ]
Make some cash.
192
00:07:42,566 --> 00:07:44,650
Daddy's home!
193
00:07:44,652 --> 00:07:47,286
Look, daddy, I made you
a friendship bracelet.
194
00:07:47,321 --> 00:07:49,404
It means we're B.F.F.s --
best friends forever.
195
00:07:49,456 --> 00:07:51,540
But you can't ever take it off,
or else I'll know.
196
00:07:51,575 --> 00:07:53,242
'Kay, promise you'll
never take it off?
197
00:07:53,294 --> 00:07:55,711
I promise. I've been meaning
to get rid of my old one.
198
00:07:57,164 --> 00:07:59,731
[ Gasps ] He promised
he'd never take it off!
199
00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:02,167
[ Voice breaking ]
You're supposed to wear them
200
00:08:02,202 --> 00:08:04,136
until they fall off!
201
00:08:04,171 --> 00:08:06,305
It's in the rules!
202
00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:07,806
[ Crickets chirping ]
203
00:08:08,742 --> 00:08:11,777
So, babe, I'm just curious.
204
00:08:11,812 --> 00:08:15,580
I'm not really sure how
you feel about us right now.
205
00:08:15,616 --> 00:08:18,016
I love you.
You're my best friend.
206
00:08:18,052 --> 00:08:20,285
Oh, that's so great to hear.
207
00:08:20,321 --> 00:08:22,020
I love you, too, Hayles.
208
00:08:22,056 --> 00:08:24,122
It's so awesome
you're a princess.
209
00:08:24,158 --> 00:08:25,674
What's that, Anna?
210
00:08:25,794 --> 00:08:29,328
There's a stinky, hairy ogre
in the room?
211
00:08:30,764 --> 00:08:34,299
You and your pee-pee
are gross.
212
00:08:34,335 --> 00:08:36,034
[ Ticks, dings ]
213
00:08:36,070 --> 00:08:38,704
All right!
The roast is finally done.
214
00:08:38,739 --> 00:08:42,236
Eight hours without food.
It's like I'm a poor!
215
00:08:42,358 --> 00:08:44,525
Wait. Remember what
the salesman said
216
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,326
four times in the alley?
217
00:08:46,362 --> 00:08:48,529
The slower the cook,
the better the taste.
218
00:08:48,564 --> 00:08:51,265
I say we double the time.
Or why stop there?
219
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:52,766
Let's double the double.
220
00:08:52,802 --> 00:08:54,435
[ Moans ]
[ Timer winds ]
221
00:08:54,470 --> 00:08:57,237
This pork isn't coming out
until it's absolutely perfect.
222
00:08:57,273 --> 00:08:59,306
Well, I've always said
I'm not gonna come out
223
00:08:59,341 --> 00:09:02,443
until I’m absolutely perfect.
[ Gasps ]
224
00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:06,980
Hey, guys, we need
to talk about Hayley.
225
00:09:07,016 --> 00:09:08,482
Isn't she great?
226
00:09:08,517 --> 00:09:10,884
Look, she made me this sweet-ass
friendship bracelet.
227
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:13,053
Oh, did you not get one?
Aw.
228
00:09:13,089 --> 00:09:16,890
No, guys, this is bad!
My wife is 6!
229
00:09:16,926 --> 00:09:19,259
Oh, children are more sexual
than we realize.
230
00:09:19,295 --> 00:09:21,829
It was my work in that area
that cemented my tenure
231
00:09:21,864 --> 00:09:23,263
at the university of the Ozarks.
232
00:09:23,299 --> 00:09:24,498
Go, possums!
233
00:09:24,533 --> 00:09:26,400
Don't be selfish, Jeff.
234
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:28,969
Hayley's finally happy again.
235
00:09:29,004 --> 00:09:31,939
She eats everything, and she
lets me dress her up
236
00:09:31,974 --> 00:09:33,240
however I want.
237
00:09:33,275 --> 00:09:35,225
Mommy, look!
I'm as pretty as you!
238
00:09:35,277 --> 00:09:36,977
Almost.
239
00:09:37,029 --> 00:09:39,379
Dr. penguin, there's gotta
be something you can do.
240
00:09:39,415 --> 00:09:42,483
All right. Let's commence
the un-hypnotizing.
241
00:09:42,535 --> 00:09:46,153
It's a very delicate procedure.
I'll need total silence.
242
00:09:46,155 --> 00:09:49,323
Snap out of it!
Snap out of it!
243
00:09:49,325 --> 00:09:51,041
Patty cake, Roger!
244
00:09:51,077 --> 00:09:52,910
Both: [ Chanting ]
♪ my mother, your mother
245
00:09:52,962 --> 00:09:55,329
♪ lived across the street,
1-8-1-9 blueberry street ♪
246
00:09:55,331 --> 00:09:56,997
♪ every night
they have a fight ♪
247
00:09:56,999 --> 00:09:59,216
♪ this is what they said
that night ♪
248
00:09:59,251 --> 00:10:01,135
♪ boys go to Jupiter,
get more stupider ♪
249
00:10:01,170 --> 00:10:03,170
♪ girls go to Mars
to be superstars ♪
250
00:10:03,222 --> 00:10:05,005
♪ rumble, tumble,
strawberry shake ♪
251
00:10:05,007 --> 00:10:06,240
Freeze!
252
00:10:06,275 --> 00:10:08,425
[ Both laugh ]
253
00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:12,229
Ah, childhood.
Such a sweet, sexual time.
254
00:10:12,264 --> 00:10:14,014
Hey! You didn't fix her.
255
00:10:14,016 --> 00:10:15,599
Sorry, Jeff, but Hayley
seems to be
256
00:10:15,651 --> 00:10:18,352
in what is known as
age regression lock.
257
00:10:18,354 --> 00:10:21,421
So she'll stay
a 6 year old forever?
258
00:10:21,457 --> 00:10:24,124
Not forever, but, yes,
until she dies.
259
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,360
That is, unless you find
her trigger.
260
00:10:26,395 --> 00:10:27,861
Wait. What --
what do you mean?
261
00:10:27,897 --> 00:10:30,414
Happy Hayley didn't stay
happy Hayley.
262
00:10:30,449 --> 00:10:31,865
[ Lighter clicks ]
263
00:10:31,867 --> 00:10:33,867
Something in her past turned her
264
00:10:33,869 --> 00:10:35,586
into the cranky, preachy
downer Hayley
265
00:10:35,621 --> 00:10:37,538
that we all know and you love.
266
00:10:37,590 --> 00:10:39,506
Finding that trigger
should bring her back.
267
00:10:39,542 --> 00:10:41,041
Enough of this nonsense!
268
00:10:41,043 --> 00:10:43,043
I think it's time
for a family trip
269
00:10:43,045 --> 00:10:45,345
to the Cheesecake Warehouse!
270
00:10:45,381 --> 00:10:48,298
Yay! Yay, yay, yay, yay!
Buffalo bites!
271
00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:51,385
I'm in! I can smoke there
'cause it's gross.
272
00:10:53,055 --> 00:10:56,023
Ugh. I need to find
Hayley's trigger.
273
00:10:56,058 --> 00:10:57,224
I will help.
274
00:10:57,259 --> 00:10:58,992
Yuck.
Klaus?
275
00:10:59,028 --> 00:11:02,229
I've been hiding all week
from that 6-year-old asshole.
276
00:11:02,264 --> 00:11:04,598
[ Birds chirping ]
277
00:11:06,135 --> 00:11:08,535
Whoa, look,
her 7th birthday party.
278
00:11:16,078 --> 00:11:18,579
Oh, look how sad she is,
279
00:11:18,631 --> 00:11:22,332
like a single baby's shoe
floating down the river.
280
00:11:28,991 --> 00:11:31,959
Something at that party
made her stop smiling.
281
00:11:33,262 --> 00:11:35,062
That was it!
That was the moment
282
00:11:35,097 --> 00:11:37,231
she became downer Hayley!
283
00:11:37,266 --> 00:11:39,333
What is she looking at?
284
00:11:39,368 --> 00:11:41,335
There.
This boy behind Hayley
285
00:11:41,370 --> 00:11:43,370
was taking a picture
at the same time.
286
00:11:43,405 --> 00:11:46,039
If he still has it, then we
can see what Hayley saw.
287
00:11:46,075 --> 00:11:48,475
Whoa, whoa, one step at at time.
288
00:11:48,510 --> 00:11:51,044
First, we have to go
through this whole yearbook
289
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,197
to try and find --
Oh, here he is. Joe Chandler.
290
00:11:53,249 --> 00:11:55,482
He has a camera
in his school picture, too.
291
00:11:55,517 --> 00:11:57,651
Hmm. Bit of
a shutterbug, I suppose.
292
00:11:57,686 --> 00:12:00,053
Great detective work, Klaus.
293
00:12:00,089 --> 00:12:02,055
Hey, we make a pretty good team.
294
00:12:02,091 --> 00:12:04,424
Looks like this case
was made for...
295
00:12:04,460 --> 00:12:06,727
Fish and the Jeffman.
296
00:12:08,380 --> 00:12:14,218
[ Both humming
"wheels and the legman" theme ]
297
00:12:14,270 --> 00:12:17,971
[ Humming continues ]
298
00:12:20,643 --> 00:12:22,976
[ Brakes squeal ]
299
00:12:22,978 --> 00:12:26,563
Damn it! Roger's suing us
for copyright infringement.
300
00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:29,316
He says this is like
"wheels and the legman."
301
00:12:29,318 --> 00:12:31,318
What?! In what way?!
302
00:12:31,370 --> 00:12:33,654
[ Bubbling ]
303
00:12:33,706 --> 00:12:35,656
What are you boys doing?
304
00:12:35,708 --> 00:12:37,291
It's been a week, Steve.
305
00:12:37,326 --> 00:12:39,326
The meat's falling off the bone!
306
00:12:39,378 --> 00:12:42,629
The bone! All that flavor
trapped in the bone.
307
00:12:42,665 --> 00:12:45,098
But what if we cook
the bone down to a jelly
308
00:12:45,134 --> 00:12:47,000
and then the jelly down
to a broth,
309
00:12:47,002 --> 00:12:48,719
and then the broth
down to a reduction?!
310
00:12:48,754 --> 00:12:52,239
You're playing God with pork!
Just let us eat!
311
00:12:52,274 --> 00:12:55,409
I knew you guys couldn't handle
the pressure of a slow cook.
312
00:12:55,444 --> 00:12:56,643
Luckily, I'm ready.
313
00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:58,562
Looks like you boys
brought hands
314
00:12:58,597 --> 00:13:00,180
to a crossbow fight.
315
00:13:00,182 --> 00:13:02,065
But I want food now!
316
00:13:02,101 --> 00:13:03,684
Barry, tide yourself over
with a --
317
00:13:03,686 --> 00:13:06,270
Don't you say it, Steve!
Don't you dare tell me
318
00:13:06,322 --> 00:13:08,522
to eat another
nature's harvest bar!
319
00:13:08,574 --> 00:13:11,608
I can't. My poops.
320
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:15,162
[ Crying ]
They're like drywall.
321
00:13:16,615 --> 00:13:18,115
You're asking if I have a photo
322
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:19,533
I took at a birthday party
323
00:13:19,535 --> 00:13:21,084
that I went to when I was 7?
324
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,786
We know it's a long shot,
Mr. Chandler,
325
00:13:22,838 --> 00:13:24,788
but my wife's life
depended on it.
326
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,124
Oh, yeah. I remember her.
327
00:13:27,176 --> 00:13:29,710
I can't make any promises,
but I'll go have a look.
328
00:13:29,762 --> 00:13:33,630
How am I supposed to find
one picture...
329
00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:37,684
from the thousands and thousands
I've taken of her?
330
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,270
Thank God I digitized them all.
331
00:13:40,306 --> 00:13:43,440
Joe Chandler,
you perfectly sane genius.
332
00:13:43,475 --> 00:13:44,808
There it is.
[ Mouse clicks ]
333
00:13:44,860 --> 00:13:49,062
[ Printer whirring ]
334
00:13:49,114 --> 00:13:51,398
Boop. And one for me.
335
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,267
[ Mouse clicks,
printer whirring ]
336
00:13:56,155 --> 00:13:59,740
Mmm. Mmm...Mmm.
337
00:13:59,792 --> 00:14:01,575
Well, looks like we're in luck.
338
00:14:01,627 --> 00:14:02,826
I found the picture.
339
00:14:02,878 --> 00:14:05,412
Oh, that's amazing!
Thanks, Joe.
340
00:14:05,414 --> 00:14:07,798
Now, would I be imposing
if I asked you
341
00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:09,666
to put a camera
in your pee hole?
342
00:14:09,718 --> 00:14:11,084
What?
343
00:14:11,086 --> 00:14:12,302
Boop.
344
00:14:14,173 --> 00:14:17,090
Klaus, look.
Look where she's pointing.
345
00:14:17,092 --> 00:14:19,843
Oh, a big man clubbing
a baby seal?
346
00:14:19,895 --> 00:14:21,645
That is not fair.
347
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,313
That's it, Klaus!
348
00:14:23,349 --> 00:14:25,766
This is the moment she realized
life wasn't fair.
349
00:14:25,818 --> 00:14:27,184
That's her trigger.
350
00:14:27,236 --> 00:14:28,357
Then we need to recreate it.
351
00:14:28,472 --> 00:14:30,604
That will snap her out
of the deep trance.
352
00:14:30,656 --> 00:14:32,272
Let's go.
353
00:14:32,274 --> 00:14:35,609
Klaus: That Joe Chandler was
a cool dude.
354
00:14:35,661 --> 00:14:37,694
Next time...
355
00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:39,880
Next time I'll have bullets.
356
00:14:41,176 --> 00:14:42,809
[ Crickets chirping ]
357
00:14:42,844 --> 00:14:45,511
[ Lowered voice ] Jeff,
I love the symmetry of this.
358
00:14:45,547 --> 00:14:47,430
Seeing a seal clubbed to death
359
00:14:47,465 --> 00:14:49,549
is what broke happy Hayley
the first time,
360
00:14:49,551 --> 00:14:52,518
and doing it again
will break her once more.
361
00:14:52,554 --> 00:14:54,887
Klaus, we're not gonna
club a seal to death.
362
00:14:54,939 --> 00:14:57,090
You're right. It doesn't
have to be a seal.
363
00:14:57,125 --> 00:14:58,858
Just anything innocent.
364
00:14:58,893 --> 00:15:02,862
The important thing
is the club...and the death.
365
00:15:02,897 --> 00:15:06,899
No, 'cause that's what turned
her into frowny-faced Hayley.
366
00:15:06,951 --> 00:15:09,786
If we can just show her that
the world is unfair to animals
367
00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:12,872
without murdering one, then
maybe she'll snap out of it,
368
00:15:12,907 --> 00:15:16,042
but keep a little bit
of happy Hayley inside.
369
00:15:16,077 --> 00:15:18,177
Oh,sucks.
370
00:15:18,213 --> 00:15:19,912
I thought we were
on the same page
371
00:15:19,914 --> 00:15:21,631
the whole drive.
372
00:15:23,718 --> 00:15:25,885
Why are we at the fish zoo?
373
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,637
Oh, just for fun.
374
00:15:27,672 --> 00:15:30,506
Hey, look at the pretty seals!
375
00:15:30,558 --> 00:15:32,091
Wait a minute.
376
00:15:32,093 --> 00:15:34,894
That's an awfully small place
for a seal to live.
377
00:15:34,929 --> 00:15:37,814
It's not fair. Right, Klaus?
378
00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:39,182
Oh, yeah.
379
00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:43,102
Look at these poor,
sweet, gentle creatures.
380
00:15:43,154 --> 00:15:46,689
The lambs of the sea,
stuck their whole lives
381
00:15:46,741 --> 00:15:48,574
in a tiny...
382
00:15:48,610 --> 00:15:50,159
There's one behind me,
isn't there?
383
00:15:50,195 --> 00:15:52,111
And is it, like,
exactly the opposite
384
00:15:52,113 --> 00:15:53,613
of how I described them?
385
00:15:53,665 --> 00:15:55,832
[ Growls ]
Aah!
386
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:58,701
Klaus!
Aah! Help me!
387
00:15:58,753 --> 00:15:59,919
Hold on!
388
00:15:59,954 --> 00:16:02,588
Ohh! [ Panting ]
389
00:16:02,624 --> 00:16:04,791
In your face, seal.
You can't get me.
390
00:16:04,843 --> 00:16:06,042
[ Growls ]
Aah!
391
00:16:06,094 --> 00:16:08,044
Seals can come on land?
392
00:16:08,096 --> 00:16:10,630
I thought they had to stay
in the water like fish!
393
00:16:10,632 --> 00:16:13,182
Oh, no. [ Gasps ]
394
00:16:13,218 --> 00:16:16,936
Evolve, Klaus. [ Gasps ]
Evolve like the wind!
395
00:16:16,971 --> 00:16:19,639
[ Grunts ] Ow! Aah!
396
00:16:19,674 --> 00:16:22,108
[ Growls ]
Hey! [ Grunts ]
397
00:16:22,143 --> 00:16:26,145
[ Growling ]
398
00:16:26,147 --> 00:16:29,816
[ Barking ]
Stay...away...from Klaus!
399
00:16:29,818 --> 00:16:31,868
[ Panting ]
400
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:34,654
Ooh! You killed it.
401
00:16:34,656 --> 00:16:36,155
I want a mermaid key chain!
402
00:16:36,207 --> 00:16:38,791
Oh, good, she didn't see me
kill the seal.
403
00:16:38,827 --> 00:16:39,992
[ Click ]
404
00:16:39,994 --> 00:16:41,828
But we did.
405
00:16:41,830 --> 00:16:43,663
[ Timer dings ]
406
00:16:43,715 --> 00:16:46,549
We did it, friends.
We cooked the perfect pork.
407
00:16:46,584 --> 00:16:49,836
Wish you could try it,
but you're all dead.
408
00:16:53,758 --> 00:16:57,727
[ Screaming ]
409
00:16:57,762 --> 00:17:01,180
[ Gasps ] Oh, God!
410
00:17:01,232 --> 00:17:03,983
The meaning of the dream
is so clear!
411
00:17:04,018 --> 00:17:07,270
I gotta share this pork
with my friends immediately!
412
00:17:07,322 --> 00:17:10,940
Oh, come on. Every morning?
Didn't you hear me?
413
00:17:10,992 --> 00:17:12,909
There's no time. I need
to do the right thing
414
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,527
for my friends.
415
00:17:14,579 --> 00:17:17,697
You should be
in that slow cooker, you pig.
416
00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:22,602
[ Remote control clicks ]
417
00:17:23,872 --> 00:17:26,005
I know that's hard to watch.
418
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,641
That's why I only showed it
to you 10 times.
419
00:17:28,676 --> 00:17:31,210
Jeff Fischer broke
into the aquarium
420
00:17:31,212 --> 00:17:34,964
and brutally killed a seal,
but not just any seal.
421
00:17:35,016 --> 00:17:36,549
This was harpy...
422
00:17:36,601 --> 00:17:38,217
[ Remote control clicks ]
The cutest seal.
423
00:17:38,219 --> 00:17:39,619
Jury: Aw.
424
00:17:39,654 --> 00:17:40,920
I can't hear you!
425
00:17:40,955 --> 00:17:42,638
Jury: [ Louder ] Aw!
426
00:17:42,690 --> 00:17:45,641
The prosecution rests,
but not before a quick round
427
00:17:45,693 --> 00:17:48,110
of high five
with this awesome jury!
428
00:17:48,146 --> 00:17:51,948
[ Cheers and applause,
upbeat theme music playing ]
429
00:17:53,284 --> 00:17:55,067
What's happening, daddy?
430
00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:58,621
That man is on trial because
he did a bad thing to a seal.
431
00:17:58,656 --> 00:18:01,324
I like seals.
I don't like that man.
432
00:18:01,376 --> 00:18:03,626
No one does.
[ Gavel bangs ]
433
00:18:03,661 --> 00:18:05,745
So, does the defendant
want to waste our time
434
00:18:05,747 --> 00:18:07,213
before the jury
finds him guilty?
435
00:18:07,248 --> 00:18:09,632
We'd like to call
Dr. penguin to the stand.
436
00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:11,133
Huh?
Who's Dr. penguin?
437
00:18:11,169 --> 00:18:12,718
That'd be me.
438
00:18:12,754 --> 00:18:14,837
I can explain why Jeff
did what he did,
439
00:18:14,889 --> 00:18:18,641
or if I may hypnotize
the jury, your honor?
440
00:18:18,676 --> 00:18:20,309
Oh, fun! I'll allow it.
441
00:18:21,930 --> 00:18:25,231
Jeff Fischer is not guilty.
442
00:18:25,266 --> 00:18:28,768
Not guilty. With every swing
of the watch,
443
00:18:28,770 --> 00:18:32,688
you'll find Jeff
a little less guilty.
444
00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:35,358
We find the defendant
not guilty.
445
00:18:35,410 --> 00:18:36,943
Okay, cool.
446
00:18:36,995 --> 00:18:38,995
Jeff Fischer, you're free to go.
[ Gavel bangs ]
447
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:40,663
Yes!
[ Gallery shouting at once ]
448
00:18:40,698 --> 00:18:42,081
Daddy, what's wrong?
449
00:18:42,116 --> 00:18:44,333
The man who killed the seal
is being let go.
450
00:18:44,369 --> 00:18:47,870
What?! But that's not fair!
That's not fair.
451
00:18:47,922 --> 00:18:50,206
That's not fair.
[ Gruff voice ] That's not fair.
452
00:18:50,258 --> 00:18:51,624
[ Clears throat ]
453
00:18:51,659 --> 00:18:52,892
[ Normal voice ]
That's not fair.
454
00:18:52,927 --> 00:18:55,545
Oh. Whoa.
Where the hell am I?
455
00:18:55,597 --> 00:18:57,029
Ugh. Hayley's back.
456
00:18:57,065 --> 00:18:59,265
Hayley! I've missed you
so much.
457
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:01,634
Missed me?
But where have I been?
458
00:19:01,669 --> 00:19:04,303
The real question is
when have you been?
459
00:19:04,355 --> 00:19:06,939
[ Laughter ]
460
00:19:06,975 --> 00:19:09,308
Seriously, guys, I can't account
for a lot of time,
461
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,060
and I'm kind of freaking out.
462
00:19:11,112 --> 00:19:13,145
Will someone please explain
what's happening?
463
00:19:13,197 --> 00:19:15,865
More like, who's happening,
right, guys?
464
00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:19,385
[ Laughter ]
465
00:19:19,420 --> 00:19:21,254
[ Crickets chirping ]
466
00:19:21,289 --> 00:19:23,356
Guys, I'm sorry I got
carried away
467
00:19:23,391 --> 00:19:25,124
with the slow cooker,
468
00:19:25,159 --> 00:19:27,159
but my pursuit of perfection
was not totally in vain,
469
00:19:27,195 --> 00:19:28,828
'cause like the pork,
470
00:19:28,830 --> 00:19:30,997
our friendship has been
simmered to perfection.
471
00:19:31,049 --> 00:19:32,665
Let's eat!
472
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:35,001
Mmm. Mmm.
473
00:19:35,003 --> 00:19:36,252
Divine.
474
00:19:38,806 --> 00:19:41,841
Yet it leaves something behind.
475
00:19:41,893 --> 00:19:43,342
Metallic, maybe?
476
00:19:43,394 --> 00:19:46,679
Furry.
Almost moving?
477
00:19:46,731 --> 00:19:49,982
With perhaps maggoty undertones?
478
00:19:50,018 --> 00:19:52,818
[ Siren wailing ]
479
00:19:52,854 --> 00:19:54,186
Who gave you the stupid idea
480
00:19:54,238 --> 00:19:56,989
you could eat
12-day-old pork?
481
00:19:57,025 --> 00:19:58,491
He did!
482
00:20:00,361 --> 00:20:02,278
[ Snorting ]
483
00:20:02,330 --> 00:20:05,781
He's pigs! He's pigs!
484
00:20:05,833 --> 00:20:08,117
[ Grunts ]
I gotta restrain this one.
485
00:20:08,169 --> 00:20:10,870
He's on to us.
486
00:20:10,922 --> 00:20:12,872
This isn't an ambulance!
487
00:20:12,874 --> 00:20:15,291
It's a goddamn hambulance!
488
00:20:15,343 --> 00:20:17,209
[ Snorting alarm wailing ]
489
00:20:17,211 --> 00:20:18,878
[ Gasping ]
490
00:20:18,930 --> 00:20:21,047
Pigs. Pigs everywhere.
491
00:20:21,099 --> 00:20:22,782
They're all pigs.
492
00:20:22,817 --> 00:20:24,350
I think Steve ate
a lot more than us.
493
00:20:24,385 --> 00:20:25,785
[ Grunting ]
494
00:20:28,189 --> 00:20:30,389
Thanks for looking out
for me, Jeff.
495
00:20:30,425 --> 00:20:31,991
I'm glad to be back
to my old self,
496
00:20:32,026 --> 00:20:34,493
even if happy Hayley
is gone for good.
497
00:20:34,529 --> 00:20:36,959
It's all right, babe.
I love you no matter what.
498
00:20:37,079 --> 00:20:40,002
- Hey, you wanna grab a bite
before the PETA protest? - Sure.
499
00:20:40,122 --> 00:20:43,489
For some reason, I could go
for a scoop of mint chip.
500
00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:47,852
Hey, you're smiling babe.
That's one for the scrap book.
501
00:20:51,015 --> 00:20:53,092
I hate this part.