1
00:00:02,740 --> 00:00:04,478
So, how much weed
do you want to buy?
2
00:00:04,670 --> 00:00:06,471
Buy? Aren't you gonna
give me some?
3
00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:08,440
Come on, we've been making out
all night.
4
00:00:08,474 --> 00:00:10,175
No.
I'm a drug dealer.
5
00:00:10,209 --> 00:00:13,345
I only make out with customers
to make sure they're not cops.
6
00:00:13,379 --> 00:00:14,679
Cops can't legally make out
7
00:00:14,714 --> 00:00:16,815
with people
they're not in love with.
8
00:00:16,849 --> 00:00:18,617
Look, I don't have any money
right now
9
00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:20,819
'cause I recently became
unemployed five years ago.
10
00:00:20,853 --> 00:00:22,320
No job?
What a loser.
11
00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:24,289
You're what's wrong
with this country.
12
00:00:24,323 --> 00:00:27,392
Well, what's wrong with drugs is
they go straight to your head.
13
00:00:59,373 --> 00:01:02,641
I stayed under for five minutes,
and I saved the bag of weed.
14
00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:05,127
Winner, winner, weed for dinner!
15
00:01:05,161 --> 00:01:08,964
Oh, Hayley, look at you.
All-time low.
16
00:01:08,998 --> 00:01:13,235
What?
No, that's my best day in...
17
00:01:13,269 --> 00:01:16,872
Oh, my God.
A drug dealer called me a loser.
18
00:01:16,906 --> 00:01:19,875
For the fourth time
in three months.
19
00:01:19,909 --> 00:01:22,277
This one feels like rock bottom.
20
00:01:22,311 --> 00:01:23,912
It is.
21
00:01:23,946 --> 00:01:26,114
But lucky for you,
I'm working out a new persona.
22
00:01:26,149 --> 00:01:28,016
Lavarr Crush, life coach.
23
00:01:28,050 --> 00:01:30,485
What do you do
when life gets you down?
24
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:31,786
Crush it.
25
00:01:31,821 --> 00:01:35,457
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
26
00:01:35,491 --> 00:01:37,292
Like I said, I'm working it out.
27
00:01:37,326 --> 00:01:40,896
Arbuckle T. Boone,
life coach.
28
00:01:40,930 --> 00:01:42,964
Who'd you used to be with?
Lavarr Crush?
29
00:01:42,999 --> 00:01:44,332
Lavarr Crush is shit.
30
00:01:44,367 --> 00:01:46,501
I went to life-coach school
with him. He's a hack.
31
00:01:49,238 --> 00:01:51,907
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
32
00:01:51,941 --> 00:01:55,577
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
33
00:01:55,611 --> 00:01:58,914
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
34
00:01:58,948 --> 00:02:03,118
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
35
00:02:05,054 --> 00:02:08,356
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
36
00:02:08,391 --> 00:02:10,926
♪ good -- ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
37
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:18,507
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
38
00:02:19,168 --> 00:02:20,502
I'm always interested to know
39
00:02:20,536 --> 00:02:22,337
how applicants
hear about our company.
40
00:02:22,371 --> 00:02:25,040
Well, it's, um, it's kind of
embarrassing, but, um...
41
00:02:25,074 --> 00:02:28,176
well...I have a life coach,
and he said you were hiring.
42
00:02:28,211 --> 00:02:29,878
That is embarrassing.
43
00:02:29,912 --> 00:02:33,114
But we are hiring.
And we only hire the best.
44
00:02:33,149 --> 00:02:35,383
Hmm.
You're not the best.
45
00:02:35,418 --> 00:02:38,086
Sir, m-my résumé
may be short on experience,
46
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,388
and it might not be
my name on the top,
47
00:02:40,423 --> 00:02:42,390
and I'm not as familiar
with Windows 95
48
00:02:42,425 --> 00:02:43,992
as that person is...
49
00:02:44,026 --> 00:02:46,261
But as long as you don't have me
making résumés,
50
00:02:46,295 --> 00:02:47,862
you will not regret this.
51
00:02:47,897 --> 00:02:50,899
You're passionate.
You remind me of a younger me.
52
00:02:52,301 --> 00:02:54,169
Sure, my hair was
a little longer
53
00:02:54,203 --> 00:02:56,504
and my Ann Taylor suit
a little more maroon,
54
00:02:56,539 --> 00:02:59,007
but everything else
is a dead-on match.
55
00:02:59,041 --> 00:03:00,976
You're hired.
56
00:03:01,010 --> 00:03:02,377
Now, about your pay.
57
00:03:02,411 --> 00:03:05,413
I'm hoping this might entice you
to come aboard.
58
00:03:06,549 --> 00:03:08,561
Whoo-hoo!
59
00:03:16,055 --> 00:03:17,522
Record greeting at the beep.
60
00:03:18,825 --> 00:03:20,292
You've reached
Hayley Smith's office.
61
00:03:20,326 --> 00:03:21,693
Please leave a message
at the beep.
62
00:03:21,727 --> 00:03:23,228
Ugh, boring.
63
00:03:23,262 --> 00:03:25,030
Hey, fool,
this is Mr. T,
64
00:03:25,064 --> 00:03:26,631
and I pity you if you don't
leave a message for Hayley.
65
00:03:26,666 --> 00:03:29,434
This is
Gilbert Gottfried, and I agree.
66
00:03:29,469 --> 00:03:30,702
You must be the new hire.
67
00:03:30,736 --> 00:03:32,104
And I must say,
68
00:03:32,138 --> 00:03:34,739
your Gilbert Gottfried
is...flawless.
69
00:03:34,774 --> 00:03:37,476
Hi. Y-yes.
Hayley is me.
70
00:03:37,510 --> 00:03:38,777
Ax Jenkins.
71
00:03:38,811 --> 00:03:40,378
Just wanted to welcome you
to the company.
72
00:03:40,413 --> 00:03:41,713
Here's everything
you need to know.
73
00:03:41,747 --> 00:03:43,748
Mary is sweet,
but she'll talk your ear off.
74
00:03:43,783 --> 00:03:45,083
That's Carl.
75
00:03:45,118 --> 00:03:46,451
He denies it,
76
00:03:46,486 --> 00:03:48,220
but we're pretty sure
he's one of the jerky boys.
77
00:03:48,254 --> 00:03:50,455
And everyone hates Andrew.
I don't know why.
78
00:03:50,490 --> 00:03:52,624
Someone told me that
when I first started,
79
00:03:52,658 --> 00:03:53,825
so I just went with it.
80
00:03:53,860 --> 00:03:55,393
He is the worst.
81
00:03:55,428 --> 00:03:57,529
Anyway, welcome
to corporate America.
82
00:03:57,563 --> 00:03:59,731
See you for cake
during your birth month.
83
00:03:59,765 --> 00:04:01,133
Thanks.
84
00:04:03,603 --> 00:04:05,170
Hey, there.
I'm Andrew.
85
00:04:05,204 --> 00:04:06,404
Yeah, nice try.
86
00:04:06,439 --> 00:04:08,840
You're gonna fit in great here.
87
00:04:11,511 --> 00:04:13,078
I'm not sure about this dance.
88
00:04:13,112 --> 00:04:15,213
I don't think my date
really wants to go with me.
89
00:04:15,248 --> 00:04:18,350
Steve, it's a mother/son dance.
Of course she wants to go.
90
00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:21,419
Oh, mother,
you look so beautiful.
91
00:04:21,454 --> 00:04:24,222
Yeah, yeah.
Let's just get this over with.
92
00:04:24,257 --> 00:04:27,259
Can't believe I'm going
to a dance with a nerd.
93
00:04:27,293 --> 00:04:28,793
Your chariot awaits.
94
00:04:28,828 --> 00:04:32,764
I'm gonna totally nail
your date later.
95
00:04:32,798 --> 00:04:34,566
I'm so happy you got a job.
96
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,702
Another Arbuckle T. Boone
success story
97
00:04:37,737 --> 00:04:39,371
for the first time.
98
00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:40,872
Oh, it's great.
99
00:04:40,907 --> 00:04:42,774
There's a whole room
full of markers you can huff.
100
00:04:42,808 --> 00:04:44,910
And I even met a cute guy.
101
00:04:44,944 --> 00:04:46,578
Oh, a cute co-worker.
102
00:04:46,612 --> 00:04:50,148
Sounds like you're following
my system to a "T."
103
00:04:50,183 --> 00:04:52,584
That's the "T"
in Arbuckle T. Boone.
104
00:04:52,618 --> 00:04:55,287
Step one is a job.
Step two is a man.
105
00:04:55,321 --> 00:04:57,222
Step three
is a baby with that man
106
00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:58,456
so you can quit step one.
107
00:04:58,491 --> 00:04:59,791
It's just three steps.
108
00:04:59,825 --> 00:05:02,093
You can really wrap your head
around it.
109
00:05:02,128 --> 00:05:04,763
Unlike all those other systems.
110
00:05:04,797 --> 00:05:07,098
I don't know.
I-I just got my first real job.
111
00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:09,167
I mean, should I really
be messing around
112
00:05:09,202 --> 00:05:10,368
with one of my co-workers?
113
00:05:10,403 --> 00:05:12,470
I'm your life coach.
This is life.
114
00:05:12,505 --> 00:05:14,339
Have I steered you wrong yet?
115
00:05:14,373 --> 00:05:15,674
It's true.
116
00:05:15,708 --> 00:05:17,175
You got to play the hot hand,
Hayley.
117
00:05:17,210 --> 00:05:19,711
He's batting a thousand.
He's one for one.
118
00:05:24,250 --> 00:05:26,418
And I'm always afraid
that when I turn on my car,
119
00:05:26,452 --> 00:05:27,652
it's gonna blow up.
120
00:05:27,687 --> 00:05:30,155
And when it doesn't,
it's like, "Wow, Mary!
121
00:05:30,189 --> 00:05:32,157
The world does
want you here."
122
00:05:32,191 --> 00:05:34,159
Hey. Since you don't know
where everything is yet,
123
00:05:34,193 --> 00:05:35,327
I brought you some coffee.
124
00:05:35,361 --> 00:05:36,695
Oh, thanks.
125
00:05:36,729 --> 00:05:38,597
Just trying to impress
the only girl in the office
126
00:05:38,631 --> 00:05:40,232
who looks good
in a business suit.
127
00:05:40,266 --> 00:05:42,867
Well, this is what 40 bucks
gets you at sears.
128
00:05:42,902 --> 00:05:44,569
Well, this and two tires.
129
00:05:44,604 --> 00:05:45,837
Attention, everyone.
130
00:05:45,871 --> 00:05:47,639
I have a big announcement
to make.
131
00:05:47,673 --> 00:05:50,542
So maybe stop stuffing
your fat face for one second
132
00:05:50,576 --> 00:05:51,676
and listen, Andrew!
133
00:05:53,512 --> 00:05:56,348
It's come to my attention that,
as of this quarter,
134
00:05:56,382 --> 00:05:57,749
we have dropped
135
00:05:57,783 --> 00:06:00,485
to the number-two
industrial-solvent distributor
136
00:06:00,519 --> 00:06:01,820
in East Chimdale.
137
00:06:01,854 --> 00:06:04,789
Number two.
Which is also known as shit!
138
00:06:06,926 --> 00:06:10,695
But I'm not mad.
We just need to get back on top.
139
00:06:10,730 --> 00:06:14,933
So, I'm taking the company on
a corporate retreat to Belize,
140
00:06:14,967 --> 00:06:16,735
leaving now.
141
00:06:16,769 --> 00:06:20,572
Food, clothing, necessities,
everything will be provided.
142
00:06:20,606 --> 00:06:23,575
I even got banana chips
for the plane.
143
00:06:23,609 --> 00:06:24,643
Whoo! Whoo!
144
00:06:24,677 --> 00:06:25,944
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
145
00:06:25,978 --> 00:06:27,379
That's so great!
146
00:06:32,251 --> 00:06:34,352
Fisher automotive,
Trish speaking.
147
00:06:34,387 --> 00:06:37,589
Hey, Roger. So, I think
I may be moving on to step two.
148
00:06:37,623 --> 00:06:38,890
Please hold for Arbuckle.
149
00:06:39,925 --> 00:06:41,326
Arbuckle here.
150
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,827
What am I hearing
about step two?
151
00:06:42,862 --> 00:06:45,563
Well, my company's going on
a corporate retreat to Belize.
152
00:06:45,598 --> 00:06:48,333
Sounds like you're moving on
to step three, girl.
153
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,369
You do know what
Belize's number-one export is?
154
00:06:51,404 --> 00:06:53,338
Sugar cane?
Sex memories.
155
00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:54,939
I mean, I definitely like him.
156
00:06:54,974 --> 00:06:56,708
And it would be fun to hook up
157
00:06:56,742 --> 00:06:58,810
in a foreign country
that isn't Mexico.
158
00:06:58,844 --> 00:07:00,679
You know what?
I'm gonna do it.
159
00:07:00,713 --> 00:07:01,780
I'm gonna go for it.
160
00:07:01,814 --> 00:07:03,481
She's gonna sleep with Ax.
161
00:07:03,516 --> 00:07:05,350
Ooh, this is so exciting.
162
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:08,420
No girl forgets
the 88th time she has sex.
163
00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:16,494
♪ Mmm, yeah ♪
164
00:07:16,529 --> 00:07:20,265
♪ I used to think
maybe you loved me ♪
165
00:07:20,299 --> 00:07:23,401
♪ now, baby, I'm sure ♪
166
00:07:25,538 --> 00:07:26,971
♪ and I just can't wait ♪
167
00:07:27,006 --> 00:07:30,608
♪ till the day
when you knock on my door ♪
168
00:07:33,879 --> 00:07:36,815
♪ Now every time I go for the mailbox ♪
169
00:07:36,849 --> 00:07:39,684
♪ gotta hold myself down ♪
170
00:07:39,719 --> 00:07:42,420
Hey, you.
I was wondering where you were.
171
00:07:42,455 --> 00:07:43,888
Is this seat --
Taken!
172
00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:46,424
I already called her
as a plane buddy.
173
00:07:46,459 --> 00:07:49,394
Our bodies will melt together
if the plane blows up.
174
00:07:49,428 --> 00:07:51,830
Okay.
I'll see you when we land.
175
00:07:53,866 --> 00:07:55,467
Love him.
176
00:07:55,501 --> 00:07:58,069
He's handsome, funny,
and he works like the rest of us
177
00:07:58,104 --> 00:08:00,472
even though his family
is super rich.
178
00:08:00,506 --> 00:08:02,574
There's not
a doubt in my mind --
179
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:05,543
he is one of the world's
most eligible bachelors.
180
00:08:05,578 --> 00:08:07,412
Yeah.
He is pretty great.
181
00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:08,947
His wife's one lucky woman.
182
00:08:08,981 --> 00:08:09,948
Wife?!
183
00:08:09,982 --> 00:08:11,449
Yep.
184
00:08:11,484 --> 00:08:13,718
Hey, can you help me
with this crossword clue?
185
00:08:13,753 --> 00:08:15,820
What does the word
"eligible" mean?
186
00:08:15,855 --> 00:08:17,809
Oh, and also "bachelor"?
187
00:08:23,186 --> 00:08:24,382
Hey, is everything all right?
188
00:08:24,485 --> 00:08:26,365
You didn't say a word to me
the whole trip here.
189
00:08:26,387 --> 00:08:28,054
Well, I figured
if you wanted to talk,
190
00:08:28,089 --> 00:08:29,389
you could have called your wife.
191
00:08:30,958 --> 00:08:33,760
Can you "Belize" we made it?
192
00:08:33,794 --> 00:08:36,029
Go yourself.
193
00:08:40,167 --> 00:08:41,401
Hello?
194
00:08:41,435 --> 00:08:43,903
Hi. I'm calling
on behalf of Mr. Boone.
195
00:08:43,938 --> 00:08:47,340
He's wondering if anything
went down between you and Ax.
196
00:08:47,375 --> 00:08:49,743
Yeah, it's not gonna happen.
He's married.
197
00:08:49,777 --> 00:08:52,379
What?! He's married?
That's a deal breaker.
198
00:08:52,413 --> 00:08:54,147
Give me that! Arbuckle here.
So what if he's married?
199
00:08:54,181 --> 00:08:55,782
Lots of us are married.
You're married.
200
00:08:55,816 --> 00:08:57,083
All the good ones are married.
Haven't you heard that?
201
00:08:57,118 --> 00:08:58,752
It's not happening, Roger.
202
00:08:58,786 --> 00:09:01,121
Look, I'm mad enough
I even let myself like this guy.
203
00:09:01,155 --> 00:09:02,355
I'm your life coach.
204
00:09:02,390 --> 00:09:04,357
I've drawn up the play.
Run it.
205
00:09:04,392 --> 00:09:06,860
Hit a home run
into the winning basket.
206
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,061
Five points.
207
00:09:09,163 --> 00:09:11,297
Okay, that was super rude.
208
00:09:13,968 --> 00:09:15,268
Hey, there he is!
209
00:09:15,302 --> 00:09:18,071
Fun dance last night,
huh, kiddo?
210
00:09:18,105 --> 00:09:20,273
Oh, was it?
Was it a fun dance?
211
00:09:20,307 --> 00:09:22,409
Well, yeah. I thought
we had a wonderful time.
212
00:09:22,443 --> 00:09:25,912
No, you had a wonderful time
'cause you stole my date!
213
00:09:25,946 --> 00:09:28,014
You made me look like an idiot.
214
00:09:28,048 --> 00:09:30,450
I was the only boy
not dancing with his mother!
215
00:09:30,484 --> 00:09:31,985
Counterpoint --
216
00:09:32,019 --> 00:09:34,154
I was the only chauffeur
who got laid last night.
217
00:09:34,188 --> 00:09:37,090
Ohhh! I'm throwing away
your business card!
218
00:09:38,492 --> 00:09:41,060
And what about mark?
His mom died in a fire.
219
00:09:41,095 --> 00:09:43,797
He had to dance with
his court-appointed guardian.
220
00:09:43,831 --> 00:09:46,132
I refuse to feel bad about this.
221
00:09:48,602 --> 00:09:50,136
This company retreat
222
00:09:50,171 --> 00:09:52,472
is all about getting us back
to number one.
223
00:09:52,506 --> 00:09:53,873
Number one!
224
00:09:53,908 --> 00:09:56,476
So does anyone have
any suggestions?
225
00:09:56,510 --> 00:09:59,879
Um, I think we need
more honesty between co-workers.
226
00:09:59,914 --> 00:10:00,880
Honesty.
227
00:10:00,915 --> 00:10:02,248
Eh. Okay.
228
00:10:02,283 --> 00:10:04,951
I'll start.
I don't know what grapes are.
229
00:10:04,985 --> 00:10:06,186
Who's next?
230
00:10:06,220 --> 00:10:07,954
Go quick.
I'm feeling very vulnerable.
231
00:10:07,988 --> 00:10:09,489
Listen, Hayley,
232
00:10:09,523 --> 00:10:11,524
my wife and I haven't been
intimate for a long time.
233
00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:13,960
There are reasons
why I can't leave her,
234
00:10:13,994 --> 00:10:16,429
but it is a marriage
in name only.
235
00:10:16,464 --> 00:10:17,931
I really like you,
236
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:20,400
and I think
if you got to know me,
237
00:10:20,434 --> 00:10:21,601
you'd like me, too.
238
00:10:21,635 --> 00:10:23,603
I'm sorry, Ax.
You're married.
239
00:10:23,637 --> 00:10:24,971
I ca-- I can't do it.
240
00:10:25,005 --> 00:10:26,206
Just do it!
241
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,041
That's the mantra
of our next speaker,
242
00:10:28,075 --> 00:10:30,009
Nike chairman Mr. Phil Knight.
243
00:10:30,044 --> 00:10:32,879
Just do it, Hayley! And others.
244
00:10:32,913 --> 00:10:35,348
Hey, you're not Phil Knight.
That's right.
245
00:10:35,382 --> 00:10:38,418
I'm gonna need a new check
made out to Arbuckle T. Boone,
246
00:10:38,452 --> 00:10:40,053
life coach to the stars.
247
00:10:40,087 --> 00:10:43,056
I'm the man who keeps the cast
of "Melissa & Joey"
248
00:10:43,090 --> 00:10:45,124
from killing themselves weekly.
249
00:10:47,228 --> 00:10:48,461
Now, let's pair up.
250
00:10:48,496 --> 00:10:50,663
What are you doing?
251
00:10:50,698 --> 00:10:55,068
I got you the job.
Now I'm getting you the man.
252
00:10:55,102 --> 00:10:56,603
You and you, you're a team.
253
00:10:56,637 --> 00:11:00,139
And you owe me $80,000.
I'll take that in hams.
254
00:11:00,174 --> 00:11:02,542
I'm gonna start a ham business.
255
00:11:02,576 --> 00:11:04,410
Unless you've already written
the check.
256
00:11:04,445 --> 00:11:06,112
Check's probably better
than hams.
257
00:11:06,146 --> 00:11:07,580
You know what?
I'll take either one.
258
00:11:07,615 --> 00:11:09,282
Money, hams,
whatever you got on you.
259
00:11:09,316 --> 00:11:11,244
I really shouldn't negotiate
when I'm hungry.
260
00:11:11,986 --> 00:11:12,986
♪ Trust ♪
261
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:15,021
♪ who do ya? ♪
262
00:11:15,055 --> 00:11:16,990
♪ Trust ♪
263
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,892
♪ what makes you
a real lover? ♪
264
00:11:18,926 --> 00:11:20,293
♪ Trust ♪
265
00:11:20,327 --> 00:11:22,095
♪ I put this question
to you, girl ♪
266
00:11:22,129 --> 00:11:24,531
♪ 'cause I want you
to be with me ♪
267
00:11:25,533 --> 00:11:27,300
♪ love ♪
268
00:11:27,334 --> 00:11:29,202
♪ you cannot imagine ♪
269
00:11:29,236 --> 00:11:32,705
♪ how much
I want to give to you ♪
270
00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:34,274
♪ hot ♪
271
00:11:34,308 --> 00:11:36,175
♪ gettin' so excited ♪
272
00:11:36,210 --> 00:11:39,078
♪ just thinkin' about
all we could do ♪
273
00:11:39,113 --> 00:11:41,447
♪ dig it now ♪
274
00:11:46,287 --> 00:11:48,288
So, this is me.
275
00:11:48,322 --> 00:11:50,657
And, uh...
Oh, I'm right next door.
276
00:11:50,691 --> 00:11:52,992
Yeah. Our -- our doors are --
are really close together.
277
00:11:53,027 --> 00:11:54,427
It's almost like
they're kissing.
278
00:11:54,461 --> 00:11:56,262
Hope they don't run off
in the night together
279
00:11:56,297 --> 00:11:57,630
and someone comes
and murders us.
280
00:11:57,665 --> 00:11:59,032
Yeah.
281
00:11:59,066 --> 00:12:00,266
Right?
282
00:12:00,301 --> 00:12:02,235
I guess we should say
good night.
283
00:12:02,269 --> 00:12:04,270
Yeah. I-I think
we probably should.
284
00:12:04,305 --> 00:12:06,573
Well...good night,
then.
285
00:12:09,043 --> 00:12:10,577
What? Sorry?
You say something?
286
00:12:10,611 --> 00:12:12,245
Oh, no. Sorry.
I-I thought you --
287
00:12:12,279 --> 00:12:14,347
Oh, no.
No, I, uh...
288
00:12:14,381 --> 00:12:15,648
Okay.
289
00:12:21,288 --> 00:12:22,956
Don't freak out.
Aah!
290
00:12:22,990 --> 00:12:25,992
Okay, I told you explicitly
not to freak out.
291
00:12:26,026 --> 00:12:27,594
Speaking of not listening to me,
292
00:12:27,628 --> 00:12:29,662
why are you not next door
grinding the Ax?
293
00:12:29,697 --> 00:12:31,230
Ha!
I just thought of that.
294
00:12:31,265 --> 00:12:32,665
Sometimes they just come to me.
295
00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:34,734
I call them little gifts
from the universe.
296
00:12:34,768 --> 00:12:37,670
She's not with him
because she knows it's wrong.
297
00:12:37,705 --> 00:12:40,406
I'm beginning to think --
and I'm loath to say this,
298
00:12:40,441 --> 00:12:43,209
because I don't want people
to say, "Klaus is a hater."
299
00:12:43,243 --> 00:12:45,144
I get enough of that crap
as it is.
300
00:12:45,179 --> 00:12:46,446
But I'm beginning to think
301
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,649
Arbuckle T. Boone is not
a good life coach.
302
00:12:49,683 --> 00:12:51,284
Hater!
303
00:12:51,318 --> 00:12:53,319
You know,
so what if he's married?
304
00:12:53,354 --> 00:12:55,488
I-I'm married,
but Jeff's up in space.
305
00:12:55,522 --> 00:12:57,423
I deserve
to have someone I like.
306
00:12:57,458 --> 00:12:58,491
On earth.
307
00:12:58,525 --> 00:13:00,493
Ugh, just go do it already.
308
00:13:00,527 --> 00:13:02,328
Oh, and record it.
Just the audio.
309
00:13:02,363 --> 00:13:04,263
I got plenty of video,
short on audio.
310
00:13:04,298 --> 00:13:05,765
Need more audio.
311
00:13:05,799 --> 00:13:08,267
Roger, how can you encourage
Hayley to have an affair?
312
00:13:08,302 --> 00:13:09,535
Cheating is wrong.
313
00:13:09,570 --> 00:13:12,005
Yeah. Naming a man "Courtney"
is wrong.
314
00:13:12,039 --> 00:13:14,540
A blond Asian is wrong.
Cheating is fun.
315
00:13:14,575 --> 00:13:16,409
It most certainly is not fun.
316
00:13:16,443 --> 00:13:19,712
I know...because I've been
on the other side.
317
00:13:19,747 --> 00:13:23,616
You see, I was once cheated on.
318
00:13:23,651 --> 00:13:26,486
Elsa was my first love.
319
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:27,654
We met at university.
320
00:13:27,688 --> 00:13:29,188
You mean you met in college.
321
00:13:29,223 --> 00:13:31,391
You're in the states now.
Say it the right way.
322
00:13:32,626 --> 00:13:35,261
So, Elsa and I met
at university.
323
00:13:35,295 --> 00:13:37,163
Oh, I hate it!
324
00:13:37,197 --> 00:13:39,399
We were in love, she and I.
325
00:13:39,433 --> 00:13:40,800
And she supported me
326
00:13:40,834 --> 00:13:43,536
through years
of constant ski-jump training.
327
00:13:45,639 --> 00:13:47,173
The Olympics.
328
00:13:47,207 --> 00:13:50,209
That's where
I was going to propose to her.
329
00:13:50,244 --> 00:13:53,212
But I had no idea
that the Olympic village
330
00:13:53,247 --> 00:13:56,215
would be a roiling cesspool
of infidelity.
331
00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:58,284
Perfect humans
with perfect bodies
332
00:13:58,318 --> 00:14:01,387
getting whatever they wanted
whenever they wanted it.
333
00:14:01,422 --> 00:14:05,525
I would never wish what happened
next on my worst enemy.
334
00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:07,360
Walking in on my girlfriend
335
00:14:07,394 --> 00:14:09,595
with the entire
east German bobsled team.
336
00:14:09,630 --> 00:14:12,065
Push! Push! Push!
337
00:14:12,099 --> 00:14:13,766
Lean left! Right!
338
00:14:13,801 --> 00:14:15,735
Left again!
Faster!
339
00:14:15,769 --> 00:14:17,203
Not too fast!
340
00:14:17,237 --> 00:14:20,139
Okay,
everyone think about luge.
341
00:14:20,174 --> 00:14:23,576
I was devastated.
342
00:14:23,610 --> 00:14:28,214
So that's why you can't be
with a married man.
343
00:14:28,248 --> 00:14:29,716
Roger, what are you doing?
344
00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:31,384
Calling
my 4-year-old nephew
345
00:14:31,418 --> 00:14:34,253
to tell him he's no longer
the worst storyteller I know.
346
00:14:34,288 --> 00:14:35,855
Hayley, do you like this guy?
347
00:14:35,889 --> 00:14:37,323
Yeah. B-but --
348
00:14:37,357 --> 00:14:39,459
So he's married.
That's not your problem.
349
00:14:39,493 --> 00:14:41,461
That's his life coach's problem.
350
00:14:41,495 --> 00:14:42,795
All I'm saying is,
351
00:14:42,830 --> 00:14:44,797
where did not sleeping
with married men get you?
352
00:14:44,832 --> 00:14:46,566
Running from drug dealers.
353
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,568
So, go next door and get yours.
354
00:14:48,602 --> 00:14:49,869
Which is someone else's.
355
00:15:01,415 --> 00:15:02,749
You're amazing.
356
00:15:02,783 --> 00:15:05,752
I know this is crazy,
but it just feels so right.
357
00:15:08,222 --> 00:15:11,157
Let's get you out
of those wet clothes.
358
00:15:11,191 --> 00:15:12,558
What?
359
00:15:12,593 --> 00:15:15,128
Aah!
360
00:15:18,565 --> 00:15:21,134
Oh, my God.
What the hell's that?
361
00:15:21,168 --> 00:15:24,203
Oh, the tattoo.
362
00:15:24,238 --> 00:15:25,805
Yeah, that's my wife.
363
00:15:25,839 --> 00:15:27,440
Don't worry.
364
00:15:27,474 --> 00:15:30,643
The way I have sex,
you won't be seeing her much.
365
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:34,242
That's your wife?
That's who you're married to?
366
00:15:34,377 --> 00:15:35,644
Yes, that's Rosalyn.
367
00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:38,247
Of course,
that's her in her prime.
368
00:15:38,281 --> 00:15:39,415
Before the accident.
369
00:15:39,449 --> 00:15:42,151
So, you --
you live with your wife?
370
00:15:42,185 --> 00:15:43,552
Like...all the time?
371
00:15:43,587 --> 00:15:45,321
Yeah.
I mean, much of the time
372
00:15:45,355 --> 00:15:47,756
she's out of town
for her experimental treatments.
373
00:15:47,791 --> 00:15:49,158
There it is.
374
00:15:49,192 --> 00:15:51,660
Question --
so, before the accident,
375
00:15:51,695 --> 00:15:54,396
this, uh, worked for you?
376
00:15:54,431 --> 00:15:57,433
Yeah. I mean...
377
00:15:57,467 --> 00:16:00,369
clearly, I have a type.
378
00:16:00,403 --> 00:16:02,104
You're the wife?!
379
00:16:02,139 --> 00:16:04,265
Oh, you saw the tattoo.
380
00:16:04,385 --> 00:16:06,609
But that means
you got him naked!
381
00:16:06,643 --> 00:16:08,277
Huh. You know,
I'm surprised
382
00:16:08,311 --> 00:16:10,513
you're a have-sex-with-
the-lights-on person.
383
00:16:10,547 --> 00:16:12,648
Well, I don't care
how disgusting it was
384
00:16:12,682 --> 00:16:14,650
as long as there was
100% insertion.
385
00:16:14,684 --> 00:16:15,784
It didn't happen!
386
00:16:15,819 --> 00:16:18,254
Roger, what the hell
is going on?!
387
00:16:18,288 --> 00:16:20,222
Okay, how far back
do you want me to go?
388
00:16:20,257 --> 00:16:21,924
To when I pretended
to be a life coach
389
00:16:21,958 --> 00:16:23,826
to get you a job
so you could meet Ax?
390
00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:26,362
Or all the way back to when
I married Ax for his money
391
00:16:26,396 --> 00:16:27,796
but had to sign a prenup
392
00:16:27,831 --> 00:16:29,565
that would only be voided
if he cheated on me?
393
00:16:29,599 --> 00:16:31,433
Oh, look, I told both stories!
394
00:16:31,468 --> 00:16:33,536
See, Klaus?
That's how you tell a story.
395
00:16:33,570 --> 00:16:35,471
Ugh!
I can't believe you, Roger.
396
00:16:35,505 --> 00:16:38,474
This was never about me
getting my life back on track.
397
00:16:38,508 --> 00:16:42,211
Oh, it's always about you.
What about Rosalyn's life?
398
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,247
Can't she win one for a change?
399
00:16:45,282 --> 00:16:46,782
Wait. Who's Rosalyn?
400
00:16:46,816 --> 00:16:48,918
Rosalyn...Rosalyn...
401
00:16:48,952 --> 00:16:51,754
Yes, right.
I was at your wedding.
402
00:16:51,788 --> 00:16:54,890
Ohh...
I owe you guys a present.
403
00:16:54,925 --> 00:16:56,525
Yeah.
404
00:16:59,763 --> 00:17:01,463
I know I keep coming back here,
405
00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:03,499
but it's not to put
any pressure on you.
406
00:17:03,533 --> 00:17:04,867
It's just...
407
00:17:04,901 --> 00:17:06,769
I ate something
that didn't agree with me
408
00:17:06,803 --> 00:17:07,903
at the goodbye buffet,
409
00:17:07,938 --> 00:17:09,705
and I ruined
the facilities up front.
410
00:17:09,739 --> 00:17:11,507
Like, if there was an air marshall
411
00:17:11,541 --> 00:17:13,742
I would be in custody for
the bombs I brought on board.
412
00:17:13,777 --> 00:17:14,843
You look amazing.
413
00:17:14,878 --> 00:17:16,445
Ohh!
414
00:17:16,479 --> 00:17:18,847
Ax, get out of here
before you crap your pants.
415
00:17:20,350 --> 00:17:23,719
Wow. Most couples never achieve
that level of honesty.
416
00:17:23,753 --> 00:17:26,222
You two obviously
have something.
417
00:17:26,256 --> 00:17:28,791
I would also have something
if you sleep with him.
418
00:17:28,825 --> 00:17:31,360
Cash.
Dolla, dolla bills.
419
00:17:31,394 --> 00:17:33,329
No.
I'll give you a 50% cut.
420
00:17:33,363 --> 00:17:35,698
I don't need your money.
I have a job.
421
00:17:35,732 --> 00:17:37,566
Listen up, everybody.
422
00:17:37,601 --> 00:17:39,768
So, I got kind of
a weird announcement.
423
00:17:39,803 --> 00:17:42,705
Turns out, taking all
your employees on a vacation
424
00:17:42,739 --> 00:17:44,440
and blowing 80 grand on hams
425
00:17:44,474 --> 00:17:46,875
is not a smart way
to deal with a bad quarter.
426
00:17:46,910 --> 00:17:49,945
So, after giving it
a lot of thought,
427
00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:52,948
everyone sitting
on the right is fired.
428
00:17:55,218 --> 00:17:57,219
Oh, sorry.
I meant my right.
429
00:18:05,362 --> 00:18:08,497
Look at her, Klaus.
Right back at rock bottom.
430
00:18:08,531 --> 00:18:10,499
No man, no job, no money.
431
00:18:10,533 --> 00:18:11,634
She liked the guy, too.
432
00:18:11,668 --> 00:18:12,968
Take me out of the picture,
433
00:18:13,003 --> 00:18:14,937
and they might have
gotten together anyway.
434
00:18:14,971 --> 00:18:16,372
Fine.
435
00:18:16,406 --> 00:18:18,274
I'll sleep with Ax
to void your prenup.
436
00:18:19,743 --> 00:18:21,910
♪ She's gonna do it,
she's gonna do it ♪
437
00:18:21,945 --> 00:18:23,512
Okay.
Give me a head start
438
00:18:23,546 --> 00:18:24,913
so I can be there
to catch you red-handed.
439
00:18:24,948 --> 00:18:26,548
Hey, check it out.
440
00:18:26,583 --> 00:18:29,385
Looks like somebody had
a good time in Belize.
441
00:18:32,022 --> 00:18:34,056
Oh, Andrew. Oh.
442
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:41,563
- Mary killed Andrew!
- Whoo!
443
00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:43,565
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
444
00:18:46,603 --> 00:18:48,537
Dad.
What are you doing?
445
00:18:48,571 --> 00:18:50,105
Making things right.
446
00:18:52,575 --> 00:18:54,643
Oh, my God.
447
00:18:54,678 --> 00:18:57,346
Really? Oh, my God.
448
00:18:57,380 --> 00:19:00,316
I saved the last dance
for you, Steve.
449
00:19:01,651 --> 00:19:03,652
I just need a moment.
450
00:19:05,355 --> 00:19:07,923
I'm ready.
451
00:19:07,957 --> 00:19:10,659
Welcome to the O.C.,
bitch.
452
00:19:15,865 --> 00:19:17,599
Hayley.
453
00:19:17,634 --> 00:19:19,301
Hi, Ax.
454
00:19:19,336 --> 00:19:21,704
I'm -- I'm so sorry I ran off
when I saw your tattoo.
455
00:19:21,738 --> 00:19:23,405
That was a mistake.
456
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:25,574
But I-I came back because
I really care about you.
457
00:19:25,608 --> 00:19:28,377
That's great.
I care about you, too.
458
00:19:28,411 --> 00:19:29,745
No, I-it's not great,
459
00:19:29,779 --> 00:19:32,047
because there's something
I need to tell you.
460
00:19:33,650 --> 00:19:35,317
I've been having an affair
with your wife.
461
00:19:35,352 --> 00:19:38,120
What? Rosalyn?
But how?
462
00:19:43,393 --> 00:19:46,795
She's been in an iron lung
since she choked on a pixy stick
463
00:19:46,830 --> 00:19:48,597
and paralyzed her diaphragm.
464
00:19:48,631 --> 00:19:50,666
She just lies there, mute.
465
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:52,468
Ax, she's lying to you.
466
00:19:52,502 --> 00:19:55,871
You know how she goes away
for "experimental treatments"?
467
00:19:55,905 --> 00:19:57,740
Those are our getaways.
468
00:19:57,774 --> 00:20:01,877
Let's just say the treatments
are...extremely experimental.
469
00:20:01,911 --> 00:20:04,680
But...Rosalyn is...so frail.
470
00:20:04,714 --> 00:20:07,416
She really perks up once you get
her out of the iron lung.
471
00:20:07,450 --> 00:20:09,150
Stop!
You'll kill her.
472
00:20:15,141 --> 00:20:16,326
Ugh, forget it.
473
00:20:17,461 --> 00:20:18,996
Oh, this was a waste of eight years.
474
00:20:19,116 --> 00:20:20,019
Thanks, Hayley.
475
00:20:21,915 --> 00:20:24,110
If you want a ride home, I'm leaving now.
476
00:20:26,815 --> 00:20:27,863
He's my ride.
477
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:29,559
He?
478
00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:37,694
Hi, this is Elsa.
479
00:20:37,814 --> 00:20:39,353
And Peter.
And Hans.
480
00:20:39,473 --> 00:20:41,349
And Tolhans.
And Lars.
481
00:20:41,469 --> 00:20:43,956
And Hans Junior.
And Peter Junior.
482
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,175
And little Tolhans.
483
00:20:45,295 --> 00:20:47,241
And Bucksled.
484
00:20:47,361 --> 00:20:49,077
Leave a message!
485
00:20:49,966 --> 00:20:52,923
Uh, yes, this message is for Hans Junior.
486
00:20:53,097 --> 00:20:54,726
Your mom is a total slut.
487
00:20:55,266 --> 00:20:59,895
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com