Thanks for driving, Hayley.
I really need both hands free
to make the float inside my mouth.
What your father's doing is called molecular gastronomy.
The swishing releases the carbon dioxide from the soda.
He's enjoying his dessert on a chemical level!
Klaus, I don't care about that.
Hayley, get off your calculator
and learn something about flavor, please.
It's important. Um, no.
- And this isn't a calculator, okay? - I'm texting.
Texting?! That's even worse!
Here we go about the kids.
You kids today, all shuffling around aimlessly
with your heads buried in your phones.
One day, you're gonna look up and say,
"Wait -- why are the signs all in Chinese?
Oh, it's because I'm in communist China!"
Are you saying I'm gonna walk to China?
I'm saying this becomes China!
Come on, dude. You knew what he meant.
I'm putting my foot down --
no more texting in the Smith family.
That's it -- done.
That's insane.
Yeah, there's no way Francine lets that fly, Stan.
Okay, then...
I forbid you to text and drive.
Yeah, that's actually smart.
And no texting at the dinner table.
And at school.
And...while you're doing your homework.
And...while...you're...playing board games with the family.
And...at church and the movies and funerals and weddings --
Ohhh, they're coming to me now --
and charity events and work functions
and during the national anthem
and the "In Memoriam" part of the Oscars.
Whew. There.
Just put my foot down hard on texting.
Klaus, read that back to me.
I didn't have a pen. I'm sorry.
Ah, damn it. But I remember them.
I-I remember all of them, I swear.
All right, well, don't forget
and just write it all down when we get home.
Nobody talk to Klaus while he's remembering my list.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ good -- ♪ ♪ good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Looks like life just hit someone in the gonads.
You know, I-I don't get it, Roger.
I've been acing my practice tests at school,
then flunking the real tests.
Why is this happening to me?
Sounds like you got the "yips." The what?
The yips. You're choking under pressure.
It's the type of thing that can ruin your life, amigo.
Whoa. How can I fix it?
You can't. Oh, my God!
Kidding, bud.
You fix it where you fix everything...
in the swimming pool.
Wait -- h-how is swimming
gonna make me a better test taker?
Not swimming, you tiny Adonis -- diving.
What do you want to see?
I want to see perfection.
That narrows it down.
All right. How about a 2 tuck reverse?
Do it! Do it now!
What's with the sarcastic slow clap?
That was a tight cowboy tuck and clean entry.
Sure, it was tight and clean, and I'm as hard as concrete,
but you did it in your own backyard.
I want to see you do that exact same dive
at the public pool in front of the entire neighborhood.
Ohhh! So this was a practice test.
There's always a method to my madness, Steve.
Now watch this.
I just do the dive. I don't mess with the water.
So, I'm in the checkout line, and I have to swipe my card
a few times before it goes through,
and I hear the guy in line behind me do the whole "ugggh."
Like he's in such a hurry.
Then I see he's buying stove-top popcorn,
and I say, "Sir, if you're that pressed for time,
maybe you should buy the microwave popcorn."
Well, the checkout lady takes her microphone thing
and goes, "Major burn on register 1!"
And she immediately gets fired.
Turns out she had a history of playing with the microphone.
Hello?
Oh, my God. Have I not been talking to anyone?
Stan! I have zero bars!
That's correct.
I'm having the C.I.A. scramble the signal inside our house
until Hayley starts obeying my no-texting times.
I also wrote them in German.
I did the German side in purple
as a little incentive to learn German.
Wish me luck, everybody.
I'm going on my first business trip.
Jeff got a job field-testing products.
I work for a company!
Well, I guess if Jeff can figure out
how to use a product, anyone can.
Thanks, Mr. S.
One day, I will insult you
in a way you can understand.
Okay!
Enjoy that job until your first drug test.
Oh, it's cool, Mr. S
I know everything about drugs.
I mean, is it me,
or are kids just getting dumber?
Oh, they're dumb as shit now, Stan.
I swear, it's all the texting.
I don't know. I use texting all the time.
Yeah, it's a great way to cut to the heart of a conversation
without all the chitchat.
Texting just doesn't jibe with my sense of humor.
I have a really dry wit -- like bone-dry.
It's all about nuance with me -- deadly timing.
You can't get that in a text.
Actually, emoticons are a great way to get those subtleties.
Here, I'll show you.
Stephanie's my mistress.
Ah. A winky face.
I guess that could be helpful
if I'm saying something tongue-in-cheek.
Absolutely. And emojis even go a step further.
Look at that little face!
It's like he's saying, "Um, check, please."
That's one of my go-tos!
Oh, my God! That's texting?
That was real, you guys.
♪ I know my P.O.V. is A.F.K. ♪
♪ My energy is M.I.A. and never coming back ♪
♪ and FYI, the 411 on the F.A.Q. list ♪
♪ anyone will tell you ♪
♪ It's a lot like doin' crack ♪
♪ W-T-F-I ♪
♪ rolling on the floor laughing, L.M.A.O. interaction ♪
♪ wait for another reply ♪
♪ A.S.A.P. O.M.G. ♪
♪ Are you gonna T.X.T. me back tonight? ♪
I noticed the phone service is back on.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
But don't think for a second
that means you can break my texting rules.
I'm watching you like a hawk.
Really? How many fingers am I holding up?
You're holding up one finger, and it's the middle one.
Damn. That would have been better.
Hold on a minute, Stan.
If you're texting now,
why are you still all over Hayley about it?
Because, Klaus,
when a parent makes a rule, they have to enforce it,
no matter how stupid they realize it is.
Otherwise, their kids won't listen to anything they say.
So... you're a hypocrite?
Name-calling, huh, Klaus?
Well, I guess I'm not texting you my joke of the day anymore.
Aw, come on! Don't be like that!
I will.
I will be like that.
Better.
Oh, this is just too good.
Don't smile.
Jeff, prepare to understand your first insult.
And send!
Ooh!
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Oh, look -- there's a Klaus.
Dad, are you okay?!
Oh, God, Stan! How did this happen?
Well...I was just driving all normal.
I remember I had just said to myself,
"Wow. Everything's super-normal right now."
It was weird that it was so normal.
And...you want more.
And so I...had...
a seizure.
A seizure?!
You've never had seizures before!
I'm gonna bring in our seizure expert to run some tests,
make sure that's what it was.
You paged me?
This man claims he had a seizure.
We just need your expert opinion.
My pleasure.
So, when the episode happened,
were you shaking all over?
Yes. This man had a seizure.
Okay, Stan, I want you on bed rest.
I'm also prescribing
some pretty aggressive antiseizure medication.
Now, there are a number of side effects --
I don't care if he can't get erections.
That's...not one of the side effects.
Well, maybe it should be. I could use a break.
I'm just getting railed.
Okay, I got you a day pass.
It was 20 bucks, so we're stealing towels.
We're also stealing chlorine,
but that was already gonna happen.
Ah, the public pool -- society's unflushed toilet.
If you can perform the same dive you did for me
in front of these savages, you've got nerves of steel.
Bye-bye, performance anxiety.
Not so fast, hotshot.
You have to wear these.
Only two types of people wear speedos to the public pool --
great athletes and perverts.
Which one are you?
"Seizure," my ass.
Beg pardon?
You didn't have a seizure when you crashed.
You were probably texting someone
a picture of your balls or something.
Dude, ball shots are played out.
It's all about making your elbow look like a butt right now.
Whoa! Whose butt is that?
Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.
You know, your accident
really put things into perspective for me.
Driving is already dangerous enough without texting.
I am gonna limit how much I text, dad.
It seems my precious rules are safe for another day, Klaus.
And now it's your turn to obey me.
You have to take these meds.
No more close calls like that.
"Possible side effects include memory loss,
chalky genitals, hallucinations, underbite,
unibrow, swamp palm, Daniel Calf" --
Daniel Calf?
Klaus, I don't care about that.
The important thing is that we stop these seizures, right, dad?
Absolutely, sweetheart.
Okay, let's forget for a second that you're taking
some insane medication that you don't need.
Already forgotten.
You could have used the accident
to prove your point to Hayley that texting and driving is bad.
And what happens when she finds out you've been texting?
Not gonna happen, because I am done with all that.
Just let me send this last one.
Send.
Ah! Damn autocorrect.
It changed "Doc gave me meds" to "Dog gave me AIDS."
Let me juuuust...send.
Damn it! "Dong gave me AIDS."
Let me juuuust...
It appears vaudeville is alive and well in cyberspace.
My penis feels weird in this, Roger --
like everyone can see it.
They can.
Shape and size are coming through with perfect clarity.
But don't get psyched out -- just nail the dive
and show these jerks you've got ice in your veins.
Okay.
A-and who knows? Maybe they won't even notice me.
Everybody, look at this dipshit!
What's the matter, kid?
Didn't want to pay for the whole tan?
God, that's good stuff.
Shake it off, iceman!
Well. What do we have here?
An athlete or a pervert?
Ignore me. I'm just a divorced dad with weekend visitation.
Gregory! What are you doing over there by the jets?!
I don't care if it fits! You pull it out of that jet!
Gregory!
Swamp palm.
Damn medication.
I'm back from my trip, Mr. S.
Whoa! Sick unibrow, bro.
The hair is just a little side effect
of the seizure medication.
Which reminds me...
Wow. Empty already.
All right! I'm cured!
That's not how it works, goofball.
You need a refill.
Oh, I'll drive him!
I don't know why I said I'd drive.
I drove over 40 miles on my business trip,
and that's gonna be it for me for a while.
By the way, I didn't really understand your text.
'Cause that person's not my mom.
That went through?
Even with the crash?
Wait -- Mr. S., were you texting and driving?
What? No! Why would you say that?
Because you sent me this video right after.
Oh, look -- these's a Klaus.
Save me, texting!
Okay, fine. I was. But you can't tell Hayley.
If she finds out I was texting,
she'll never listen to me again.
I can't just turn a blind eye to this, Mr. S.
I'm a field tester now.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're about to get a straight-up butt pic.
Hmm. I can do better.
Ooh!
Somebody! Help my friend!
Shouldn't you help him?! You're right there!
Yes, but I'm angry at him
because he was texting and driving!
Come down! You'll see! It's very obvious!
This, I got to seeeeeee!
He was texting and driving.
It's a cautionary tale.
I hate to say "I told you so," but...
You were right, dad. You were right.
There, there.
I told you so.
There, there.
Well, the good news is,
Jeff has a 60% chance of pulling out of this coma.
The bad news is, that's out of, like, 800%.
We'll call if there's any change in Jeff's condition.
Oh, no. No, I am not leaving his side.
Me neither. I'm staying right here, day and night.
We shooould probably get some magazines, though.
Oh, yeah. And I need, need, neeeeeeed a hot dog.
As for you, a traumatic event like this
can increase the risk of seizures.
I'm gonna up your medication as a precaution.
Oh... that's not necessary.
Well, you're all set.
Looks like I'm in the clear.
They bought the whole thing.
What if Jeff comes out of that coma?
Who said that?
Down here, bro.
Hey, buddy.
Who are you?!
I'm Daniel Calf. I'm a side effect.
Oh. Right. Of course. Uh, please excuse me.
Today has been absolutely nuts.
Please. I get it.
So, listen, if Jeff comes out of that coma,
he's gonna tell everybody
that you were the one texting and driving.
He could ruin everything.
What do I do about that?
You got to kill him, chief.
Okay.
Wait -- he can't prove I was texting and driving.
His phone's at the bottom of a river.
Plus, Hayley will obviously believe me.
She's eating out of the swampy palm of my hand.
What about the mainframe?
The main-what-now?
The mainframe.
It's where your cellphone provider
keeps all the texts you've ever sent.
As long as that mainframe exists,
someone could find out the truth.
So, what do I have to do?
My head's a bit fuzzy from the shot.
Look, there's only two words you need to remember --
"Destroy mainframe."
No problem.
Destroy...
man!
Ohh! Almost!
Just channel all the energy
you normally use to walk and talk
and focus it on these two words --
"Destroy mainframe."
Destroy mainframe!
That's it!
Now let go of your motor skills! Really focus!
Yaaaaaaah!
Yeah! You're doing it!
Do it! Do it! What's your problem?!
You've been up there forever!
Dive, you freak!
Show us your balls!
What he said!
I can get behind that.
You've nailed this dive a million times.
And here comes a million and one.
Goodbye, yips.
Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
He's okay! The pervert is okay!
Destroy mainframe!
Mainframe!
Sir, the mainframe's not actually in the store.
We don't even have a bathroom.
She's lying. She works for the mainframe.
Mainframe!
Ah. You found our push-to-talk phone.
Cellular range, walkie-talkie convenience.
Yaaaaaaaaaahhh!
Mainframe? Dad, Jeff's awake!
Wha? He's out of his coma.
Noooooooooo!
You should've killed him before -- when I told you.
Just met you then. No developed trust yet.
Hayley! I'm -- I'm --
I'm so -- I'm so sorry!
Oh, God! What have I done?!
Her organs are being held inside her body by the car.
When the car moves, she'll lose them.
That means she's only got 17 months to live.
'Cause that's when my lease is up.
Hayley, this is all my fault!
I was the one who was texting and driving, not Jeff.
I thought admitting that to you was bad parenting,
but this -- this is slightly worse parenting.
What's going on?
Hallucinations.
That's a common side effect of the meds.
I'll pull him out of it.
Wait. Let's leave it for a while.
Thanks for trying to help me, Roger.
I guess there's nothing we can do about my performance anxiety.
Wait -- did you learn nothing from that whole experience?
Yeah -- I crack under pressure.
Buddy, you just missed the whole point of my lesson.
There is no pressure.
Huh?
Those jerks at the swim club
can make fun of you all they want,
but at the end of the day,
you get to come back here to your house with a pool,
and they don't.
Ohhhh.
None of those idiots have their own pool.
You think if they did, they'd go to a place like that?
Why would they?
That place sucks.
And you think that if you flunk some Biology test at school,
they're gonna take your pool away from you?
No, I guess they won't.
No way. You can flunk every test forever and you still get to come back here.
- To a house with a pool. - Oh my God.
- I have a pool. - There you go.
- I have a pool. - We got a pool, baby.
Yeah!
I take solace in the fact that her life was not lived in vain.
I, Stan Smith, solemnly vow to carry myself as she did.
With integrity, dignity and grace.
Can I bring him out of it now?
Just a little bit longer.
Looks like you got a fruit cake in the deli department.
We got a major burn at register 8.
Sydney, you don't work here anymore.
I'm a customer now, Tom.
Sydney ain't going nowhere.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com