I know it's weird to sit in Santa's lap at our age,
but we got to do what it takes.
Why are you walking so fast?
I'm trying to keep up with the new kid.
That dork? Oh, great idea.
Let's hang around him and lower our status even more.
Right at the height of bullying season.
Don't you get it, Steve? This kid's such a loser,
if we stay within 20 feet of him,
bullies will never even see us.
A cloaking device for dorks?
That's so crazy, it might work.
Smith and snot!
The two biggest losers in the whole --
who is that?
He's beautiful.
Glasses, weak chin, bad posture.
Oh, sweet scoliosis.
He's mine.
Oh, my God, snot! It worked!
Hey, new kid!
I don't know your name, but I don't need to.
It's Martin. I told you not to tell me!
Your new name is fist catch.
No! You're supposed to catch it with your face!
Sorry. My face is busy
watching your face gets its ass kicked!
Wah!
Whoa.
Finish him.
Whoa.
What?
Brutality.
You should go into radio.
Naw, man. I want to be a do-cent.
At a museum. A fancy museum.
Get real into art.
# good morning, U.S.A. #
# I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day #
# the sun in the sky has a smile on his face #
# and he's shinin' a salute to the American race #
# oh, boy, it's swell to say #
# good -- # # good morning, U.S.A. #
aah!
# good morning, U.S.A. #
whoa.
Mertz is the toughest kid in school.
H-how did you do that?
Easy. I take karate.
Karate is the coolest.
I'm always saying that.
No, Steve.
I believe you said glitter pens were the coolest.
Not anymore, snot! Karate is the coolest now.
Yeah, it is cool.
You guys should come take class at my dojo.
The only drawback is beating kids up
keeps getting me kicked out of school.
I'm 17 and I can't read a alphabet.
But I know which one the moon is.
You thinking what I'm thinking, snot?
We visit him in juvenile hall every month until he gets out
and then we all move in together?
No! We take karate at his dojo!
Which we can use to break Martin out of juvie!
Brilliant! No, snot.
I kind of just thought we'd do this new thing.
Forget Martin.
Did I like Martin more than you did?!
Punch! Punch! Ai-ya!
Ai-ya!
Harder! Ai-ya!
Angrier! Ai-ya!
Destroy your opponent! Ai-ya!
I'm sensei tom. Welcome to dojo biden.
You must be snot and Steve.
Oh, my God. He's telepathic!
No. Martin used his one call from juvie
to let me know you'd be coming.
He has a weird family situation.
I'd adopt him, but the state won't let me
because I've never looked into it
and I can't be bothered.
Listen, students.
At dojo biden, we care about two things --
the centuries-old art of karate...
And current two-term vice president Joe biden.
Let's see what you two are capable of.
You! Glasses! Throw a punch.
Ai-ya-a-a...
So, capable of nothing.
Okay, you.
That was pathetic!
You're never gonna learn to fight
unless you tap into the anger inside you.
What makes you angry?
I don't know. Everyone has anger.
Erik over there has rich parents
and feels guilty about being white.
Marcia over there gets her anger
from her varicose veins.
She's only 14, and those never go away!
So, I'll ask you again. What makes you angry, son?
Don't call me "son"!
There it is.
You don't like when I call you "son."
Dead dad, huh?
Yes!
Then use that and punch.
Unh! Better!
And you must hate that weak excuse for a mustache.
Ai-ya!
And I bet you're poor.
Lucky.
Show me how angry you are.
Punch this board!
Aiiii-ya!
I can definitely work with you.
But you're gonna have to replace this board.
It's my seasoning shelf.
Now, my spices are on my nunchuk rack.
I don't even know where my nunchuks are.
Let's just say I'm not ready to have guests.
Ooh! Yahtzee! On my first turn!
Here, you go.
And now we wait.
See, Francine, this is why I can't go piņata shopping.
I just want to rescue them all.
Wait. What's that smell?
It smells terrible.
Oh, hayley, are you back to homeopathic deodorant?
It's not me.
I haven't broken a sweat in a year.
What do you think it is?
Oh, I can't wait to find out what it is.
It's a mystery. Did you find it?
Oh, it's me, isn't it?
Klaus, you're an outside fish now.
Not cool, bro! I'm a fish!
Sometimes I smell fishy!
Ooh! Yahtzee!
Uhp, nope. Read it wrong.
This is nothing.
I feel badass.
Yeah, this feels more serious now
that we're wearing these bathrobes.
Enough chitchat.
Now make like a woman whose neighbor has a pet chimpanzee
and face off!
Ai-ya!
Um, Mr. sensei tom, are you sure
you want us fighting this soon?
W-we haven't been taught any moves yet.
Punch! Aah!
My shoulder! Why did you do that?!
Steve, I'm so sorry.
Don't apologize.
Your dad didn't apologize for dying.
Your jacket didn't apologize for not having sleeves.
Use your anger!
Attack! Attack! Ai-ya!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ai-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!
Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Whoa.
Congratulations.
You've unlocked your anger.
You're one of us now.
In the words of vice president Joe biden,
"you do not have permission to use my name on your dojo."
Sleeveless! Sleeveless!
Aaaaaaaaaah!
Things got pretty crazy yesterday, huh?
I-I just had to jog home
'cause I was so pumped up from all the karate.
Sure.
Also, I'm kind of thinking karate's not for us.
Let's just go back
to the Steve and snot we know and love --
cowering from bullies,
wearing shoes in places where they serve food.
Snot, w-where you going?
Oh, I'm gonna go sit with my karate friends.
They get me.
And they don't put up with bullies.
Plus they like it
when I lose control of my bottled-up anger.
I thought we agreed karate's not for us!
You agreed with you, Steve.
You agreed.
Yo, sleeveless, what's up?
Whoa. That guy accidentally bumped you.
You gonna let him
accidentally get away with that?
Unleash your anger.
Let him go, Steve.
Snot's in an action movie now.
Hour 36.
The sun seems like it comes every day now.
The cat's back!
What's the matter? Kitty can't swim?
Welcome to the water jungle, baby.
You can never get to me. No one can get to me!
No, no! It never ends!
Okay. I'm starting to get the hang of this.
I just have to stay one step ahead of them.
Oh, no!
They're teaming up.
A lizard!
Wait. Do lizards eat fish?
He just wants to try it! See if he likes it!
This bathroom pass is fake.
Yeah. I'm still gonna go to the bathroom.
Well, go to class after that.
Snot, what are you doing here?
This seat's for bad boys. We're good boys.
I got caught fighting twice today.
Snot, w-where is this coming from?
I feel like sensei tom is turning you
into something you're not -- an angry person.
You walk around looking like Tommy Lee Jones
all the time now.
I've always been angry.
Sensei tom understands that,
and he's teaching me to use it.
Lonstein, you can't come in the office
because Marissa Stevens' mom is here.
So listen, we have a three-strike policy
on fighting.
You've got two. One more and you're expelled.
Feel me? Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go ensure that Marissa Stevens gets an "a"
by giving her mom a "d."
Ai-ya!
Uh, is it a bad time to talk about snot?
His warrior name is sleeveless.
Okay, well, sleeveless
is getting in a lot of trouble at school,
and for some reason, he listens to you.
So, uh, maybe you could tell him
that everything you're teaching him
is wrong and horrible before he gets kicked out.
School's not for everyone.
You know who said that? Joe biden.
I don't think he said that.
He has said those words.
Maybe not in that order, but he has said them.
Now, let me tell you a story about a young kid
who was angry at the world and got kicked out of school.
It was me.
And now look where I am.
I lease a dojo. I sleep in a dojo.
I do my cooking and laundry in a dojo.
And none of that would have been possible --
wonderful. All right.
I'm gonna speak a language everyone understands.
This is $12, which I have a feeling you could use.
The money is yours if you let snot go.
Look, I'm not gonna lie. I could use this $12.
Settle down with a nice ham sandwich.
But you can't put a price on anger.
And that's what sleeveless has.
If you want your friend back,
beat him in the upcoming karate tournament.
If I beat him, he's free?
Is that some sort of ancient karate code?
No. If you beat him, he'll be a loser,
and I don't work with losers.
Now, what else can I do to earn that $12?
Hey, dad.
I know you took martial arts in your c.I.A. Training,
and I was wondering if you could teach me some.
I have to beat snot in a karate tournament
so I can save our friendship.
There is only one thing you need to know about karate.
Guns beat karate every time.
Good rap sesh, son.
I hear you're seeking martial arts instruction.
Perhaps I can show you the way.
Shouldn't you have an accent?
Uh, I moved here when I was 2.
Lesson one -- open your mind.
Heads up, Francine.
I ignored our talk and gave Steve a gun.
Delivery for...The smiths?
Well, I didn't order anything.
Maybe it's something Francine ordered.
Or hayley. Or Steve or Roger.
There are a lot of people with that last name
in this house.
Also could be a gift from someone.
Maybe bullock or one of Francine's friends.
Or a friend of hayley's.
Yep, the smiths have a lot of friends.
Fun tidbit -- did you know
that dupont is like the French Smith?
Hey, French Smith! Remember him?
Do you mean French Stewart?
Sure, whatever. I'll sign.
It's working.
Well, I'll just leave this here.
You've done it, Klaus.
You're once again an inside fish.
Ha ha!
Outside fish, Klaus.
No! No, please! The cats and the birds!
Sensei tom is teaching snot to fight with anger,
so I need help harnessing mine.
Sensei tom.
Did you know he lives in his dojo?
Well, you technically live in yours.
Lesson two -- don't worry about where I live.
You're not an angry boy, Steve,
so there's nothing to harness.
But that's okay,
because people who fight with anger are sloppy.
You're gonna fight with cold, calculating technique.
# living with my eyes closed #
# going day to day #
# I never knew the difference #
# I never cared either way #
# looking for a reason #
# searching for a sign #
# reaching out with both hands #
you're ready. Now make me four more.
But the tournament is in 20 minutes.
Don't worry about time. Let me worry about time.
- Shit! Shit! Damn it! - We're so late!
Roger, I'm nervous.
Don't worry. You've trained. You've prepared.
Nothing can stop you, unless...
Oh, no. Oh, God, no! What?!
That guy has a better goatee than me!
Excuse me.
Steve, what are you doing here?
I thought you quit karate.
No. I'm gonna kick your ass so we can be friends again.
It doesn't sound like a good plan when I say it out loud,
but trust me, I thought it through.
Okay, goatee disaster averted.
See you in the finals.
No. I'll see you in the finals.
Now announcing the first round draw,
Steve Smith versus snot lonstein.
So, I guess I'll see you in the first round.
The all-important first round it is.
Sleeveless! It's time.
Well, well. Sensei tom.
Sensei Ryan? I thought you were dead.
You wish I was dead!
'Cause then you wouldn't owe me $15
from our last cable bill!
I told you that I wouldn't pay for hbo!
I don't watch it!
I said that the day we moved in!
You do watch it, and I know
you're still using my hbo go password.
"Water for elephants" was on my "recently watched,"
and I didn't watch it.
I saw it in the theater like it's supposed to be seen!
Now, welcome to the fifth annual
Langley falls karate tournament.
And guess what?
We're only starting 20 minutes behind schedule!
Steve, if you get in trouble out there, kiss him.
It'll throw him off his game.
And if things get really hairy,
just give him a tap on the ol' starfish.
I don't know what that means.
He'll like it. Now get out there!
Prepare to go down.
Wow. I really feel your anger.
It'll be easy to counter
with my cold, calculating precision.
My sensei made me a master
using a variety of unorthodox methods.
I warn you, snot. I've been brushing wigs.
Fight!
Brush, brush.
Ai-ya! Aah!
Destroy him!
Ai-ya!
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya- ya-ya-ya-ya!
Ow! Ow!
Aah! Oh! Oh!
Sensei, what do I do?!
Starfish! Oh!
This kid's obviously better.
Hey, sensei Ryan, nice disciple.
Shut up! He came to me.
I didn't choose him.
But you chose to see "water for elephants"
on a small screen.
You're still the tool here.
I'm sorry, sensei. I failed you.
No, Steve. It's my fault.
Instead of teaching you karate,
I had you make me a Martini and give me a massage.
Roger, I thought those were all skills
that translate to karate.
Really?! You did?!
Steve, you make these wild leaps.
Now, leaps -- now, that would have been great for karate.
You know what's weird?
Even though Klaus has been gone for a while, I still smell him.
I smell it, too.
Yes. Yes.
Smell it. Smell all of me.
It's getting stronger!
Congratulations.
You're outside people now.
There are an awful lot of cats back here.
And -- and birds.
I-I was getting to you.
Don't worry, guys. I'll be fine.
Meow.
I saved a seat for snot.
You can release it to the general population.
We've lost him.
I've lost him. Whoa!
Snot's about to beat somebody up in the quad!
By the bike racks! In the northwest corner!
Right by the bike that belonged to that kid who died
and now serves as a grim reminder of his passing!
Some say if you feel a cool breeze,
it's him whistling, but it's not true!
When your body dies, your soul dies with it!
Anyway, if you hit the library, you've gone too far!
Oh, no. If he gets in one more fight,
he's gonna get kicked out of school!
Which means it's our last chance to see him in action!
No, it means we have to stop him! Let's go!
Finish it.
What?
Finish it!
It's weird that you care about this.
Snot, wait! You can't do this!
You're gonna get kicked out of school!
Sensei tom says I don't need school.
Sensei tom's a loser.
He lives above his dojo
and steals his wi-Fi from the h&r block next door.
Look, I tried to save you by fighting you,
but I'm not a fighter.
So I'm gonna save you with love, not anger.
Eh!
Steve, what are you doing?!
I'm showing you I love you, snot!
And you have two strikes!
I'm taking this strike for you!
Ah! Ow!
But you're not a bad boy, Steve!
Neither are you!
This all started 'cause you didn't want to be bullied,
and now you're doing it!
Sure, you've got a lot to be angry about,
b-but you've also got a lot to be happy about.
Ooh!
Like your friends that care about you.
Aah! Ow!
Remember when you and I had lunch together that one time?
Please let me know as soon as I've gotten through to you.
Because I've reached a point
where even the NFL wouldn't clear me to play.
"American dad!" Stands with
the national football league players association.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
I mean, break it up, kids.
Steve, that's strike one, and you don't get a second.
No, wait. You get three.
You hear that, everybody? You get two free fights!
I expect you to use them!
Thanks, Steve.
Your love made me realize that anger isn't all I am.
And instead of using my anger to fight,
I should bottle it up and only let it out
when I can no longer control it.
Maybe in, like, 20 years, quietly, victim by victim.
You're gonna be in therapy for a long time, buddy.
Stan, you're never getting back in!
I've got a delivery for Klaus heissler.
Ooh. Hello.
I wonder what it is.
Oh, it's big.
It's so big!
And it's all for me!
Uh, what could it be? Maybe a giant aquarium?
Maybe it's a lifetime supply of fish food.
Or maybe it's Stan, Francine, and hayley.
All right, guys.
Truce. Welcome home.
He's opening it. It's working!
Oh, no! Not the kitties and the birdies!
Aaah! No! No, no, no!
Oh! Aah! Ouch!
Once they've taken care of Klaus,
the house will be ours again.
No! Aah!
I killed them. I killed them all!
Do you hear that, Stan?!
Ha! Nice try!
Bye! Have a beautiful time!