# Good morning, USA!
# I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day #
# The sun in the sky has a smile on his face #
# And he's shining a salute to the American race #
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say
# Good... # Good morning, USA
Aah!
Whoa!
Bra ad on page two!
Wasn't ready for that.
Jeff, are you sure that's the way
you want to eat your cereal?
That's how the boy on the box is eating it.
That's not a boy, that's a mummy.
Go get a bowl.
Finally, here's an article...
"A woman choked on her own bra."
What newspaper is this?
Morning...
Roger!
Why are you walking around without a disguise?
You know Jeff can't know you're an alien!
This is the talkiest rape ever.
Go put on some clothes right now!
This is my house.
I should be able to sit around naked if I want.
Glass of scotch in my hand,
fan on my crotch.
Scotch-crotch-bygotch.
Get into the overalls business immediately.
Roger, if Jeff finds out you're an alien he's gonna blab.
The kid can't keep a secret.
Do you have an example? I do.
Francine's throwing a surprise party for you
next Friday at 7:00 p.m.
She got you the movie The Usual Suspects.
Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze.
Takes all the names from the things in the room.
Listen, if the CIA finds out
we've been harboring an alien, they'll kill us all.
He's not gonna tell anybody.
He will.
And in order to protect my family, I'll have to kill him.
Or you. Or both of you.
You wouldn't kill me.
You love me too much.
See? You're mean!
And you're a pain in my ass.
Now go put on an outfit!
Mean!
Pichaña?
Obrigado!
Hey, who's she?
No one.
A colorful immigrant.
Can I see you for a minute?
You know this is not what I meant by putting on clothes!
Now go upstairs and put on an outfit
that does not call attention to you.
But there's gotta be a way for me to be naked!
Stan, there's always a way around things.
Listen to me, Roger.
It is never gonna happen.
You're never gonna happen!
Don't worry, I got it.
Uh... uh...
Nope. Nope.
I'm goin' over.
Yeah, Toshi!
Amazing!
What's everyone so excited about?
He's not even halfway up.
Forget about the rope.
Toshi's ass came in!
Kid finally got his adult butt.
Welcome to the club!
Look at my butt!
Now look at my front butt!
Yeah, congratulations.
Don't worry, buddy.
You're just a late bloomer.
Trust me, no one's even noticed.
Hey Steve, you want to hear a joke so funny
you'll laugh your ass off?
Oh!
I see you've already heard it.
Steve, look... No, Snot!
They're right.
I'm flat!
Oh God...
God, why am I wearing tweed?
I just want to be naked,
but Stan's making me wear this uncomfortable outfit
because of Jeff.
It's so moist and sweaty in here.
Ugh, the slugs are back again.
Hayley, can you please tell your dad
that Jeff can handle the fact I'm an alien?
Ugh.
This must be the mother.
Actually, I agree with my dad.
Jeff can't handle it.
He's like a child.
I mean, up until last year
he had an imaginary friend named Phillip.
Seriously? Yeah...
he was actually the best man at our wedding.
No one can tell a 20-minute joke like Phil can!
I love you like a brother, man!
I'm sorry, Roger, there's just no way you can be naked.
Or is there?
Oh, no, this is the mother.
C'mon, you stupid butt.
Stay up there.
Oh, Steve.
What's that in your pants?
It's my butt.
Mom!
Aw, honey.
Is everyone else's tushie filling out except yours?
Yes.
What if my ass never comes in?
Oh, it will.
What if it doesn't?
Then you fake it till you make it.
Now, you're gonna want to change these every two weeks.
I'm out.
So, what do you think?
Look at this.
I think I could marry Ice-T!
There's a coin behind that bush.
Oh my God, what are you?
I'm your new imaginary friend, Jeffery.
Whoa.
Yup.
Oh man, this is great!
I haven't had an imaginary friend
since Phillip and I had a falling out.
Fur is murder!
Drive, Phillip, drive!
What's wrong with you?
I said drive!
Oh man, that is a nasty scar.
Well, don't worry,
I'll never let you down like that.
Cool, a new imaginary friend!
I've got so much to tell you!
Did you know Keyser Soze was Kevin Spacey?
I did.
I've known that for about 15 years now.
Hey, let me show you around the house.
Good idea!
Race you downstairs!
Quick family meeting.
Roger! Jeff's home! Go put on an outfit! About that.
Jeff's about to come downstairs
and he thinks I'm his imaginary friend,
which means when he's around, you all have to pretend
you can't see or hear me.
Naked in the house.
Looks like I found a way around it.
Roger, I'm gonna kill... Here he comes now!
And... go!
Who are you gonna kill, Mr. Smith? Uh...
this entire gallon of 2% milk.
No, Stan, that milk is old.
It's been on the coffee table for weeks.
Chunky!
Hey boys, what's your favorite car of the train?
Mine's the caboose!
It came in, Steve!
Mazels!
I smell ham!
Is it my bellybutton?
Nope. Chicken finger.
Well, well.
What do we have here?
Yeah, Court.
This baby popped last night.
I was brushing my teeth,
and all of a sudden it was like ba-bow!
Blew the damn pockets off my jeans.
My cousin was like, wow!
There's something delicious in here!
No, Barry!
Hey everyone, Steve Smith stuffs!
Classic.
I had a funny run-in at the car wash today.
You'll never guess who I ran into.
The witch who cursed you with a button penis?
Hey Jeff, how funny is it
that you're the only one who can see or hear me?
Yoshi.
Our old gardener.
Oh, really? How's he...
You okay, Mrs. S?
Oh yeah... uh...
I just had my...
uh... period.
It was pretty big.
There's no faking it, Mother!
My onion's never gonna blossom.
Well, then it's God's plan,
and you have to be happy with who you are.
God's plan?
You mean the guy who has me walking around
with nothing more than a brown hole in my back?
Yeah, let's leave it up to that guy!
Hey bud, watch this.
Hey, Roger. Turn on the game show network.
I'm on it.
Hey...
Did you just talk to my imaginary friend?
And did you just pick up a remote?
Klaus, you idiot! What?
Jeff didn't know Roger was an alien.
He thought he was imaginary!
Aw, no!
Really? Sorry, guys.
Tonight I do the dishes.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
You're real?
A real alien?
Had my nips enlarged,
but other than that, everything is au natural.
Hayley, you knew he was an alien?
Why didn't you tell me?
Because you can't keep a secret.
And now that you know, to protect this family,
I have to kill either you or Roger.
Dad, no!
I love him! Thank you.
The feeling's not mutual,
I find you a little doughy, but...
Not you! Jeff!
You can't kill my husband.
Fine, then I'll kill Roger.
You can't kill Roger, he's part of our family!
Well, someone better decide who's gonna die here!
If the CIA finds out we have an alien, we're all dead.
Mr. Smith, no one has to die!
I promise I won't tell anyone!
I swear!
I swear on my promise!
That's not what people say, Jeff.
Dad, Jeff won't tell.
I know you think he's an idiot,
but there's no way he's gonna tell anyone
knowing that his life is at stake.
No, a real live alien!
Roger, here.
Tell the guy who runs the toaster at Quiznos
I'm not lying!
Principal Lewis!
Was your ass always so plump and luscious?
Nah, nah-nah.
I used to be a skinny little turd just like you
until I found these babies.
I said I love my d-nuts!
Black bagels, y'all!
There's only one fair way to choose who dies.
The old pillow case grab bag.
One of these guns is empty
and the other one has a ton of bullets.
Wait, don't shoot me!
Okay, okay, I've been waiting for
a good time to tell you this:
I know a way you can cut your heating bill in half.
Enough!
It's up to fate now.
Come on, Stan.
There's gotta be a way around this.
There's always a way around everything.
I warned you, Roger, but you didn't listen
and now one of you is going to leave this Earth.
Wait!
That's it!
No one has to die.
There is a way around this.
I can go back to my home planet.
You mean leave... forever?
If that's what it takes.
I guess that could work.
Oh, thank God.
And... just for fun.
Damn it, I could have stayed!
My old spaceship's in here, Stan.
I'll just fire it up and place a call home.
There she is.
Broken down, filthy, cockpit full of mouse turds.
The SS Bonnie Raitt.
Poor thing.
Antennas activate.
I... I'm just puttin' on a voice.
All I have to do now is tell them where to pick me up.
Well, what are you waiting for?
Do I have to go?
My planet's freezing cold,
there's no booze, and sex is so boring up there.
It's all consensual.
Sorry, Roger.
You've gone too far this time.
There's really no way around it.
I guess not.
They're picking me up
at the base of the Chimdale Mountains on Tuesday.
Aw, damn it.
I had two pap smears scheduled for that day.
This is the place.
I'd like the Ba-donkin' Dirty Dozen, please.
All right, donuts,
you've changed all these people for the better.
Now, work your magic on me.
Gimmie donut holes!
I gotta stop wearing corduroys!
Donut fire!
There's no way out!
We're all gonna die!
Oh, my God!
There's a space between those two wedged fatties.
If only there was someone here
with a flat enough ass to get through!
Sir, I think I might have been born for this job.
I made it!
I'm free!
Call... for help!
Nine-one-one.
I'd like to report a fire!
Where are you?
Where?
I'll tell ya where.
In a better place now than I was earlier.
What does that even mean...?
It means I gotta learn to like myself,
even if my big boy butt never comes in.
You know what, kid?
I think you're gonna be all right.
Yeah... yeah, me, too.
Well, where I'm going, I won't be needing any more disguises.
Klaus, I'm leaving you all my outfits.
What good is clothing to me?
None. That's the point.
One final you.
Oh, Roger.
Who's gonna do sake bombs with me and kick it old-school?
I don't know, that sounds like something
a Japanese person might be into.
Roger, I just want to say what you're doing for Jeff and me...
it's something I'll never forget.
And the one thing I'll never forget about you Hayley is...
your flute playing?
Do you play the flute?
No?
Not you?
Roger.
It's time.
So it is.
Wow.
Seems like just yesterday
I did so many different things that I remember...
Huh? Huh?
# No...
Are you sure this is the spot where
the ship is picking you up?
These are the coordinates I gave them.
There it is!
Eh. False alarm.
Just my principal.
Maybe they're not coming.
Ugh, they sent a round one.
I like the pointy ones.
I guess this is me.
Well, so...
this is goodbye.
You dummy.
Why couldn't you have just listened to me?
None of this would have happened.
Why weren't me and you ever single at the same time?
Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Take care of yourself.
You too, Stan.
You, too.
Please. No tears.
I'm on to a whole new adventure.
And so are you guys.
Jeff... don't you dare feel bad about this.
You hear me?
This was my fault, not yours.
Thank you so much for saying that, Roger.
Come here, honey.
Aah! No! Hayley!
Jeff!
No!
Roger, make them turn around!
No. Wait.
Stop. Come back.
See, I told ya there's always a way around things.
Guess you were right.
I gotta stop underestimating you.
What the hell just happened?
My Jeff... My dear, sweet...
Hurry up, Hayley! You're sitting in the middle.