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♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
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00:00:05,885 --> 00:00:09,754
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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00:00:09,822 --> 00:00:12,657
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
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00:00:12,725 --> 00:00:16,828
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
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00:00:18,881 --> 00:00:21,827
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
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♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
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Aah!
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♪ American Dad 6x13 ♪
I Am the Walrus
Original Air Date on March 27, 2011
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00:00:30,013 --> 00:00:33,613
-- sync, corrected by elderman --
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00:00:34,803 --> 00:00:38,022
So, I watching this show
about spiders on Animal Planet.
11
00:00:38,090 --> 00:00:40,225
We were watching
a show about spiders.
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00:00:40,309 --> 00:00:41,976
Doesn't hurt your story
to include me.
13
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If you're going to set
the scene, set it right.
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Do you want
to tell the story?
15
00:00:45,047 --> 00:00:46,047
I don't remember
what happened.
16
00:00:46,115 --> 00:00:47,232
Maybe I wasn't there.
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00:00:47,316 --> 00:00:49,016
Anyway, there's
this one spider
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00:00:49,068 --> 00:00:50,969
that's unlike
any other insect.
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00:00:51,036 --> 00:00:54,005
The mother actually takes care
of her young after they hatch.
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00:00:54,073 --> 00:00:56,741
Oh, that is so sweet.
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00:00:56,809 --> 00:00:58,743
Then, once the babies
are big enough,
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they overpower their
mom and eat her.
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00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:02,914
Arachno-matricide!
24
00:01:02,982 --> 00:01:04,732
When I turned 15,
I ate my dad.
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00:01:05,968 --> 00:01:08,369
What is happening
at this dinner?
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00:01:08,437 --> 00:01:10,171
It's spiraling
out of control.
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00:01:10,222 --> 00:01:11,806
Every year, on my birthday,
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I take a celebratory nibble
off his severed leg.
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I keep it in the freezer.
30
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That must be what's making
the ice cubes all fuzzy.
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Damn it, Roger. Your race
is the most disgusting--
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Finished!
33
00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:24,402
What just happened?
34
00:01:24,470 --> 00:01:25,603
Steve finished
his dinner.
35
00:01:25,671 --> 00:01:27,839
But I still have
three bites left.
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00:01:27,907 --> 00:01:29,507
I always finish first.
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Well, I guess
not tonight.
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So these popsicles are weird.
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It's finally
happening.
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00:01:41,337 --> 00:01:42,537
What?
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00:01:42,605 --> 00:01:43,738
Steve.
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00:01:43,789 --> 00:01:45,873
He finished his
meal before me.
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00:01:45,941 --> 00:01:48,076
He's challenging
me for dominance.
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00:01:48,143 --> 00:01:50,345
Like when the
young, upstart lion
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forces the elderly
lion out of the pride
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and into the wilderness
to die alone.
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00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:57,402
You're watching too
many nature shows.
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00:01:57,469 --> 00:01:58,937
You know what's
a good show?
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00:01:59,004 --> 00:02:01,406
You shutting up
and going to bed.
50
00:02:01,473 --> 00:02:03,241
This is the beginning
of the end.
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00:02:03,309 --> 00:02:06,244
He's on the upswing,
and I'm on the downswing.
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00:02:06,312 --> 00:02:08,012
I've known this day would come.
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00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,481
I've been dreading it
for a long time.
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One last push.
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Oh, my God!
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I just tore from
my "V" to my "A"!
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That's normal.
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She's ruined.
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00:02:25,230 --> 00:02:26,297
It's a boy.
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00:02:29,001 --> 00:02:32,203
I know you're coming for me.
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00:02:32,271 --> 00:02:33,788
You're being silly.
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So he finished
his meal first.
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He's growing up.
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It's a good thing.
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00:02:39,111 --> 00:02:41,746
Well, this old lion isn't
going down without a fight.
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00:02:41,814 --> 00:02:44,582
Hey, I'm looking
at myself in the mirror.
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It's not ruined.
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00:02:46,285 --> 00:02:49,554
I mean, it's not good,
but it's not ruined.
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00:02:52,358 --> 00:02:54,025
Yay! Dr. House
is skateboarding.
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00:02:54,109 --> 00:02:55,810
♪ ♪
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Hey.
I was eating that.
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00:02:58,414 --> 00:02:59,731
Hey. I was
watching that.
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Hey. I was
sitting there.
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00:03:01,350 --> 00:03:02,583
Pipe down, boy.
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00:03:02,651 --> 00:03:04,152
Because that's what you are.
A boy.
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00:03:04,219 --> 00:03:05,987
And I'm the king of this jungle.
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00:03:09,174 --> 00:03:11,576
That's odd, what you're doing.
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Get used to it.
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What are you doing?
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That is not how we treat
little boys in this house!
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00:03:18,667 --> 00:03:21,069
Hey, you're opening
the wrong end.
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It doesn't matter
what end you open.
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00:03:23,839 --> 00:03:25,540
See? Now you broke it.
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00:03:25,607 --> 00:03:26,741
You can't break something
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00:03:26,809 --> 00:03:28,242
before you put it together,
Dumbo.
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Don't call me my favorite movie!
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00:03:30,279 --> 00:03:33,114
Oh, babe.
Look at us.
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00:03:33,182 --> 00:03:34,949
We're fighting
all the time,
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like
well-managed boxers.
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Maybe we need help.
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00:03:38,153 --> 00:03:40,054
Maybe we need
to talk to someone.
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You mean, like, a
marriage counselor?
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00:03:41,824 --> 00:03:44,192
No way! We've been married
for, like, five minutes.
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00:03:44,259 --> 00:03:46,594
They say the honeymoon phase
is the hardest part.
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No one says that.
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00:03:48,997 --> 00:03:50,465
You're driving me insane.
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Could you just leave
the room, please?
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00:03:51,867 --> 00:03:53,167
Do you want
to have sex first?
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00:03:53,235 --> 00:03:55,069
Whatever.
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00:04:00,476 --> 00:04:03,094
Mm-hmm. Just as I expected.
101
00:04:03,178 --> 00:04:04,796
Dad just pushed me
off the couch
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00:04:04,863 --> 00:04:06,130
and took my food.
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00:04:06,198 --> 00:04:08,299
I-I think he was
acting like a lion.
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00:04:08,367 --> 00:04:11,002
Oh, your father has a
crazy idea in his head.
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00:04:11,070 --> 00:04:12,403
He's just...
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00:04:12,471 --> 00:04:14,806
Well, he's
intimidated by you.
107
00:04:14,873 --> 00:04:17,108
Dad? Intimidated by me?
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00:04:17,176 --> 00:04:19,444
You finished your food first
last night,
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00:04:19,511 --> 00:04:21,713
and now he's scared
you're coming into your prime
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00:04:21,780 --> 00:04:23,781
and going to dethrone him.
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00:04:23,849 --> 00:04:26,150
What?
That's ridiculous.
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00:04:26,218 --> 00:04:27,518
I'm no threat
to him.
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We'll talk and straighten
this whole mess out.
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Mm-hmm. That's what I thought.
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It smells like pee.
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This is my area.
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00:04:46,038 --> 00:04:47,255
Look, Dad...
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00:04:48,674 --> 00:04:51,109
Mom said you were worried
I'm going to dethrone you,
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00:04:51,176 --> 00:04:53,311
and, well,
I just want you to know...
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00:04:53,378 --> 00:04:55,747
you should be.
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♪ ♪
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I'm coming for you.
123
00:04:58,851 --> 00:05:01,619
Now I know.
You're afraid of me.
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00:05:02,921 --> 00:05:04,689
You've always
been afraid of me.
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00:05:04,757 --> 00:05:06,190
That-That's not true.
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00:05:06,258 --> 00:05:08,860
Quiet! Every day,
you get weaker,
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00:05:08,927 --> 00:05:10,528
and I get stronger.
128
00:05:10,596 --> 00:05:13,197
So enjoy that popcorn
and remote while you can,
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00:05:13,265 --> 00:05:15,433
because soon I'll be
sitting where you are,
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00:05:15,501 --> 00:05:17,935
and you'll be looking
for a spot under the porch
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00:05:18,003 --> 00:05:21,072
where you can
curl up and die.
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Nuh-uh. I'm the king of...
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You're the king
of nothing!
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00:05:24,810 --> 00:05:27,145
Nothing.
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00:05:29,832 --> 00:05:32,033
Done!
136
00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:33,184
For thine is the kingdom
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00:05:33,268 --> 00:05:34,218
and the power and
the glory. Amen.
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Done!
139
00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:39,056
Done!
140
00:05:40,342 --> 00:05:41,476
Oh, hey. Don't mind me.
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00:05:41,543 --> 00:05:42,994
I finished ten
minutes ago.
142
00:05:43,061 --> 00:05:44,262
I'm just looking
for the plunger.
143
00:05:44,329 --> 00:05:46,731
Mine's so big,
it won't go down.
144
00:05:46,799 --> 00:05:48,733
Oh. Was there a
rabbit in here?
145
00:05:54,189 --> 00:05:57,225
My reign is over.
146
00:05:57,292 --> 00:06:00,995
My son bested me in everything
that's dear to me.
147
00:06:01,063 --> 00:06:03,030
Yeah, I heard about
the bunny poops.
148
00:06:03,098 --> 00:06:04,966
I'm... I'm done.
149
00:06:05,033 --> 00:06:07,768
He's replaced me
as head of the house.
150
00:06:07,836 --> 00:06:10,771
Why don't you do what the
animals do on your TV shows?
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00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:12,573
When an older male
is threatened,
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00:06:12,641 --> 00:06:15,693
he responds by
reasserting his dominance.
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00:06:15,777 --> 00:06:18,345
The bull walrus will
ward off all challengers
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00:06:18,397 --> 00:06:20,514
with an extreme
display of power.
155
00:06:20,566 --> 00:06:22,984
Only the strongest walrus
will be able to mate.
156
00:06:23,051 --> 00:06:24,385
That's it.
157
00:06:24,453 --> 00:06:25,786
Klaus, you're a genius!
158
00:06:25,854 --> 00:06:27,221
Genius? No.
159
00:06:27,289 --> 00:06:28,389
You know who's
a genius?
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00:06:28,457 --> 00:06:29,757
Jack Worcestershire.
161
00:06:29,825 --> 00:06:31,792
Had a terrible name,
created a terrible sauce,
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00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:33,194
made a fortune.
163
00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:36,531
Yup, Snotters.
I got my old man on the ropes.
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I'm the man of the house now,
and he knows it.
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I should probably learn to make
chili that's not very good
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that I call "my famous chili."
167
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Ooh, comic.
168
00:06:49,578 --> 00:06:51,913
Ooh.
169
00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:53,414
Ooh!
170
00:06:54,616 --> 00:06:55,783
Ooh!
171
00:06:57,786 --> 00:06:59,220
Ooh.
172
00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:01,255
Ooh...
173
00:07:01,323 --> 00:07:03,024
Sounds like Mommy found a comic.
174
00:07:11,567 --> 00:07:13,918
Oh, no. It's Steve.
175
00:07:13,986 --> 00:07:15,553
Oh, my God!
Steve, don't look!
176
00:07:15,621 --> 00:07:16,787
Yeah, Steve, don't look.
177
00:07:16,855 --> 00:07:18,055
Look!
178
00:07:18,123 --> 00:07:19,891
Mommy and Daddy
are just dancing.
179
00:07:19,958 --> 00:07:21,092
Yeah, we're
dancing.
180
00:07:21,159 --> 00:07:22,059
We're not
dancing.
181
00:07:31,703 --> 00:07:34,471
Hey, champ. I, uh,
wanted to talk to you.
182
00:07:34,539 --> 00:07:35,939
You know, about
what you just saw.
183
00:07:36,007 --> 00:07:38,242
Because things aren't
always what they appear.
184
00:07:38,309 --> 00:07:40,460
Sometimes when someone
is choking,
185
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:42,663
you have to get behind them
and give them the Heimlich.
186
00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:45,165
This was not that.
187
00:07:45,233 --> 00:07:47,267
I was not helping your mother
with a leg cramp.
188
00:07:47,335 --> 00:07:49,403
I was not giving her
a lying-down hug.
189
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:51,288
I was not helping her look
for her contact.
190
00:07:51,339 --> 00:07:52,856
I was plowing, Steve.
191
00:07:52,924 --> 00:07:54,157
Oh, my goodness.
192
00:07:54,225 --> 00:07:56,894
See, in the animal kingdom,
he who mates is king.
193
00:07:56,961 --> 00:07:58,962
And you are many,
many years
194
00:07:59,030 --> 00:08:00,297
from finding
a mate of your own.
195
00:08:00,365 --> 00:08:01,865
This is nature, bitch.
196
00:08:01,933 --> 00:08:03,684
We're getting primal
in this house.
197
00:08:11,292 --> 00:08:12,860
This is where we're having
marriage counseling?
198
00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,728
In-in a community
center pottery class?
199
00:08:14,796 --> 00:08:17,614
Public-assisted counseling
is all we can afford, babe.
200
00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:20,067
Whoa! Someone
actually showed up.
201
00:08:20,134 --> 00:08:22,369
Principal Lewis?
You're a psychologist?
202
00:08:22,437 --> 00:08:24,638
Oh, no. I just do this
to pick up some extra cash
203
00:08:24,706 --> 00:08:25,906
to feed my watch fetish.
204
00:08:25,974 --> 00:08:27,507
Look at this bad boy.
205
00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:30,744
Huh? Mickey Mouse
in an S.S. uniform.
206
00:08:30,812 --> 00:08:32,913
Only ten were made
in the whole world.
207
00:08:32,981 --> 00:08:35,015
I own five of them.
208
00:08:35,083 --> 00:08:37,885
Now, if only I could tell time.
209
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,519
I'm out of here.
No, babe.
210
00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:40,754
This is important.
211
00:08:40,822 --> 00:08:43,223
Looks like you two
aren't seeing eye-to-eye.
212
00:08:43,291 --> 00:08:44,992
I can help with that.
213
00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:48,962
Yep, looks like the pottery
class is coming in.
214
00:08:49,030 --> 00:08:51,365
Perhaps we should relocate
215
00:08:51,432 --> 00:08:53,516
as I am not legally
permitted to be
216
00:08:53,568 --> 00:08:55,652
within 100 feet
of the instructor,
217
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:59,640
or more specifically,
her sugary sweet ass.
218
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,208
Oh, baby.
219
00:09:07,282 --> 00:09:08,949
Steve, sit next to me.
220
00:09:09,017 --> 00:09:11,368
I can't sit up there.
My dad marked it.
221
00:09:11,436 --> 00:09:13,553
I'm not allowed to sit
anywhere he's peed.
222
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,989
Oh, we can pee where
we sit now? Great!
223
00:09:16,057 --> 00:09:18,141
I don't know what to do
about my dad, Roger.
224
00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:20,110
I was finally coming
into my own.
225
00:09:20,178 --> 00:09:23,046
I got a taste of first-class
and now I'm back in coach,
226
00:09:23,114 --> 00:09:25,382
squished between two
fat ladies from Toronto.
227
00:09:25,450 --> 00:09:27,451
Ugh, Blue Jay fans
are the worst.
228
00:09:27,518 --> 00:09:29,953
I don't know, you ever been
to a Detroit Tigers game?
229
00:09:30,021 --> 00:09:31,521
Those fans are drunken slobs.
230
00:09:31,589 --> 00:09:32,956
At least there's some diversity.
231
00:09:33,024 --> 00:09:35,392
You ever see a black man
at a Red Sox game
232
00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:37,694
who's not playing first base
or singing the national anthem?
233
00:09:37,762 --> 00:09:39,162
So true, so true.
234
00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:40,514
You know what
we should do?
235
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:42,282
We should take
a train into D.C.,
236
00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:43,750
and see the Nationals play.
237
00:09:43,818 --> 00:09:44,985
We totally should.
238
00:09:45,053 --> 00:09:46,286
Maybe a day game.
239
00:09:46,354 --> 00:09:47,871
Yes. Will you look
into getting tickets?
240
00:09:47,922 --> 00:09:50,290
Are we serious about this,
or are we just talking about it?
241
00:09:50,358 --> 00:09:52,359
Pull the trigger, man,
pull the trigger, let's do it.
242
00:09:52,427 --> 00:09:53,593
Oh, I'm so excited.
243
00:09:53,678 --> 00:09:55,846
I'm gonna go do
it right now.
244
00:09:55,913 --> 00:09:58,748
That kid's a good egg.
245
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,401
I can't believe we're going
to see the Nationals play.
246
00:10:01,469 --> 00:10:03,987
We said it, and
we're doing it.
247
00:10:04,055 --> 00:10:06,573
♪ Take me out to the crowd ♪
248
00:10:06,658 --> 00:10:10,127
♪ Buy me some peanuts
and Cracker Jacks ♪
249
00:10:10,194 --> 00:10:11,745
♪ I don't care if I... ♪
250
00:10:11,829 --> 00:10:13,296
Wait, what are we doing?
251
00:10:13,364 --> 00:10:14,748
I want to talk
about my dad.
252
00:10:14,816 --> 00:10:16,016
I don't even like baseball.
253
00:10:16,084 --> 00:10:17,117
Well, me neither.
254
00:10:17,185 --> 00:10:18,485
I thought you wanted to go.
255
00:10:18,553 --> 00:10:19,519
I hate that game.
256
00:10:19,587 --> 00:10:20,587
So slow.
257
00:10:20,655 --> 00:10:21,855
Not like go-carts.
258
00:10:21,923 --> 00:10:23,256
I love go-carts.
259
00:10:23,324 --> 00:10:24,524
How great are go-carts?
So great.
260
00:10:24,592 --> 00:10:25,909
You know what
we should do?
261
00:10:25,977 --> 00:10:28,495
We should call a cab,
take it out to the slick track.
262
00:10:28,563 --> 00:10:29,763
Totally.
263
00:10:29,831 --> 00:10:31,231
And we'll just open it up
264
00:10:31,299 --> 00:10:32,466
and see how fast we can...
265
00:10:32,533 --> 00:10:34,334
What?! No, Roger!
266
00:10:34,402 --> 00:10:35,869
I'm in a crisis
with my father!
267
00:10:35,937 --> 00:10:37,437
Right. Well, it seems to me
268
00:10:37,505 --> 00:10:39,773
the only way you can
regain the upper hand
269
00:10:39,841 --> 00:10:41,641
is to assert
your dominance.
270
00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:44,077
Luckily, I know an easy way
to make that happen.
271
00:10:44,145 --> 00:10:46,046
I've been trying to think
of a way all day.
272
00:10:46,114 --> 00:10:47,447
Surely, it can't
be that easy.
273
00:10:47,515 --> 00:10:49,016
As a matter of fact, it is.
274
00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:50,567
And please stop
calling me Shirley.
275
00:10:52,003 --> 00:10:53,636
How great is
the movie Airplane?
276
00:10:53,688 --> 00:10:55,105
So great.
277
00:10:58,309 --> 00:11:01,978
The pilot has an unnatural
interest in that little boy.
278
00:11:02,046 --> 00:11:04,047
It didn't seem
unnatural to me.
279
00:11:08,569 --> 00:11:11,338
All right, welcome
to my home.
280
00:11:11,406 --> 00:11:13,206
As you can see,
it is a .
281
00:11:13,274 --> 00:11:15,675
But it's a good arena
for bonding exercises
282
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,544
and a constant reminder
of what happens
283
00:11:17,612 --> 00:11:19,846
if you try to strike
some sense into you lady.
284
00:11:19,914 --> 00:11:21,415
You're a marriage
counselor?
285
00:11:21,482 --> 00:11:24,284
Step one on you path
to a happier union:
286
00:11:24,352 --> 00:11:26,720
You have 45 minutes
to clean this room,
287
00:11:26,788 --> 00:11:29,356
but you can't talk
to each other.
288
00:11:29,424 --> 00:11:31,324
Not one word.
Trust me on this.
289
00:11:31,392 --> 00:11:33,110
Let's go, Jeff.
This isn't real.
290
00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:35,479
It just got
real, bitch!
291
00:11:35,546 --> 00:11:36,980
Now clean my house!
292
00:11:40,852 --> 00:11:44,604
This is even better
than the first Airplane.
293
00:11:44,672 --> 00:11:48,692
Sonny Bono's buying a bomb
at the gift shop.
294
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:49,826
Hilar...
295
00:11:49,894 --> 00:11:51,428
Roger, we did it again!
296
00:11:51,496 --> 00:11:53,213
Oh, right, right.
297
00:11:53,281 --> 00:11:55,248
We were talking about asserting
your dominance over your dad.
298
00:11:55,316 --> 00:11:56,616
What is it with us?
299
00:11:56,684 --> 00:11:58,518
We're a couple of
Forget-Me-Marys.
300
00:11:58,586 --> 00:12:01,354
Yeah, we're a couple
of Distracted-Susans.
301
00:12:01,422 --> 00:12:04,558
Forget-Me-Marys wasn't
good enough for you?
302
00:12:04,625 --> 00:12:05,926
Oh, I'm sorry.
303
00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:07,928
I thought we were doing
like a back and forth.
304
00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:09,563
No, we weren't.
305
00:12:09,630 --> 00:12:11,431
I said we were
Forget-Me-Marys,
306
00:12:11,499 --> 00:12:13,600
and that's what we are.
307
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:18,738
Okay, you've beaten
your dad in every arena
308
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:20,941
except one-- sex.
309
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:23,643
The dominant male
proves himself by mating.
310
00:12:23,711 --> 00:12:25,145
So the solution is simple--
311
00:12:25,213 --> 00:12:26,847
you need to bang.
Bang, bang, bang.
312
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:29,349
But I don't know any girls.
313
00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:32,619
Well luckily, I've got just
the ladies' man persona
314
00:12:32,687 --> 00:12:34,554
who can help you get
your shlinker
315
00:12:34,622 --> 00:12:37,390
into a woman's shlonker,
if you catch my drift.
316
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,995
I'm Ace Chapman.
Star forward...
317
00:12:42,063 --> 00:12:43,930
Wait, does it have
to be consensual sex?
318
00:12:43,998 --> 00:12:45,432
Yes.
319
00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:49,136
Okay, well, then you
definitely don't want Ace.
320
00:12:49,220 --> 00:12:50,904
Oh, don't take those.
321
00:12:50,972 --> 00:12:52,922
You will be conscious but
paralyzed for 12 hours.
322
00:12:54,142 --> 00:12:55,375
Bing Cooper.
323
00:12:55,443 --> 00:12:57,744
Sexually active
high school senior.
324
00:12:57,812 --> 00:13:00,580
I've pulled more tail than a
slow kid at a petting zoo.
325
00:13:00,648 --> 00:13:02,532
You'll be on top
again my friend,
326
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,100
because I'm going
to get you laid.
327
00:13:04,168 --> 00:13:05,769
Oh, yeah!
328
00:13:05,837 --> 00:13:08,572
I can finally put some of my
dance moves into action.
329
00:13:08,639 --> 00:13:11,324
♪ ♪
330
00:13:41,656 --> 00:13:44,324
♪ ♪
331
00:13:58,774 --> 00:14:00,641
All right, our goal
tonight is simple.
332
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:02,076
We're not trying
to win any prizes;
333
00:14:02,144 --> 00:14:03,845
we're not trying to
find you a girlfriend;
334
00:14:03,912 --> 00:14:05,880
we just have to
get you some sex.
335
00:14:05,948 --> 00:14:07,215
Now I know what
you're thinking.
336
00:14:07,282 --> 00:14:09,117
Why don't we just
go to a whorehouse?
337
00:14:09,184 --> 00:14:10,585
Get that thought
out of your head!
338
00:14:10,652 --> 00:14:12,186
You don't pay for it
in the jungle.
339
00:14:12,254 --> 00:14:14,489
If you want to be the head
of the animal kingdom,
340
00:14:14,556 --> 00:14:16,491
you gotta hunt it and
take it down yourself.
341
00:14:18,393 --> 00:14:20,027
Oh, dear, don't
ever do that again.
342
00:14:20,095 --> 00:14:21,746
Here's a condom.
Don't use it.
343
00:14:21,814 --> 00:14:23,648
Do what I do.
Pretend to put it on,
344
00:14:23,715 --> 00:14:25,249
then hide it in
your poop cannon.
345
00:14:25,317 --> 00:14:26,501
Let's boogie.
346
00:14:27,669 --> 00:14:28,936
Hey, where are you going?
347
00:14:29,004 --> 00:14:31,405
I was going to put the shoes
to your mom again later.
348
00:14:31,473 --> 00:14:33,658
Want to make sure you're
around to catch the show.
349
00:14:33,725 --> 00:14:36,110
Come on, Roger, I'm going to
grab a snack from the kitchen
350
00:14:36,178 --> 00:14:37,578
and then we'll
get out of here.
351
00:14:37,646 --> 00:14:39,780
No. I'm done feeding
on this sandwich.
352
00:14:39,848 --> 00:14:41,432
You can eat my leftovers.
353
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,501
The lesser males
get the scraps.
354
00:14:43,569 --> 00:14:46,254
Come on, Steve, don't
dignify that with a response.
355
00:15:03,755 --> 00:15:06,257
Principal Lewis, we've
cleaned your whole house.
356
00:15:06,325 --> 00:15:07,658
Can we go now?
357
00:15:08,861 --> 00:15:10,261
Hell no.
358
00:15:10,329 --> 00:15:11,963
You haven't even started
on the backyard.
359
00:15:13,432 --> 00:15:15,199
We're gonna die here.
360
00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:16,817
I can't do this anymore.
361
00:15:16,885 --> 00:15:18,219
I'm just going to take this.
362
00:15:18,287 --> 00:15:19,287
What's that?
363
00:15:19,354 --> 00:15:20,738
It paralyzes you.
364
00:15:20,806 --> 00:15:22,924
If I can't move,
I can't work.
365
00:15:22,991 --> 00:15:25,176
I got it from Ace Chapman,
that basketball guy
366
00:15:25,244 --> 00:15:26,911
who sometimes lives with us.
367
00:15:26,979 --> 00:15:28,713
Why don't we just give
it to Principal Lewis?
368
00:15:30,265 --> 00:15:31,465
Good idea, babe.
369
00:15:31,533 --> 00:15:33,734
But how are we going
to get him to take it?
370
00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,253
I'll step on his foot,
371
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:36,988
and when he opens his mouth to
scream, you toss the drugs.
372
00:15:37,055 --> 00:15:38,389
What's that, drugs?
373
00:15:38,457 --> 00:15:40,174
I'll take it, I don't
care what it does.
374
00:15:43,295 --> 00:15:45,830
You crazy-ass
son of a bitch.
375
00:15:46,965 --> 00:15:49,534
Now you only
have four.
376
00:15:49,601 --> 00:15:53,004
Can you plug in the air
freshener plug-in?
377
00:15:53,071 --> 00:15:55,406
It stinks down here.
378
00:15:55,474 --> 00:15:57,942
♪ ♪
379
00:15:58,010 --> 00:16:01,546
Here we are, suburban
teenage house party.
380
00:16:01,613 --> 00:16:03,948
Booze and hormones
are a-flowin'.
381
00:16:04,016 --> 00:16:06,217
Anyone can get laid here,
even you.
382
00:16:06,285 --> 00:16:08,185
Just watch old Bing Cooper
for a while.
383
00:16:08,253 --> 00:16:10,021
Learn from the master.
384
00:16:10,088 --> 00:16:11,856
You're my Obi-Wan.
385
00:16:11,924 --> 00:16:13,524
I'm gonna give you
two seconds
386
00:16:13,592 --> 00:16:15,426
to leave that
right out here on the lawn.
387
00:16:16,745 --> 00:16:18,563
Bing!
388
00:16:18,630 --> 00:16:19,997
What's up,
fools?
389
00:16:20,065 --> 00:16:21,566
Wildcats take state!
390
00:16:23,201 --> 00:16:24,652
How does
everyone know you?
391
00:16:24,719 --> 00:16:25,786
What do you mean?
392
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:27,455
I throw parties
here all the time
393
00:16:27,522 --> 00:16:29,740
when my parents
go out of town.
394
00:16:29,808 --> 00:16:31,876
My parents are
super into me.
395
00:16:31,944 --> 00:16:32,910
Who are...?
396
00:16:32,978 --> 00:16:34,412
You grew up here?
397
00:16:34,479 --> 00:16:37,031
Well, we lived in Wisconsin
till I was five,
398
00:16:37,099 --> 00:16:39,033
then my dad got transferred--
he worked for Toyota.
399
00:16:39,101 --> 00:16:40,585
That's how I learned
to speak Japanese.
400
00:16:40,652 --> 00:16:41,819
Mu shu pork, Melissa.
401
00:16:41,887 --> 00:16:43,054
Hey, Beth.
402
00:16:43,121 --> 00:16:44,288
Hey, Bing.
403
00:16:46,858 --> 00:16:48,909
Here we are.
404
00:16:48,977 --> 00:16:50,478
The epicenter
of drunk girls.
405
00:16:50,545 --> 00:16:52,179
The kitchen.
406
00:16:52,247 --> 00:16:55,249
They want to be close
to the booze at all times.
407
00:16:55,317 --> 00:16:57,218
I don't know if I can
do this, Roger.
408
00:16:57,286 --> 00:17:00,054
Hey, do you want to be the
alpha male of the house or not?
409
00:17:00,122 --> 00:17:01,138
Okay, okay.
410
00:17:01,206 --> 00:17:02,306
But how do I
approach them?
411
00:17:02,374 --> 00:17:03,741
What do I say?
412
00:17:03,809 --> 00:17:07,044
Just say the three sweet
words they long to hear--
413
00:17:07,112 --> 00:17:09,347
"Jell-O shot, bitch?"
414
00:17:12,517 --> 00:17:14,852
Jell-O shot?
415
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,387
Bitch?
416
00:17:17,639 --> 00:17:19,557
Make it happen, Steve.
417
00:17:19,625 --> 00:17:22,827
Bing, I just saw an acceptance
letter from UCLA on your fridge.
418
00:17:22,894 --> 00:17:24,595
What's going on?
419
00:17:24,663 --> 00:17:27,398
I thought we were going
to Arizona State together?
420
00:17:27,466 --> 00:17:30,334
This isn't how I wanted
you to find out.
421
00:17:30,419 --> 00:17:34,138
I wanted you to find out by me
not showing up at Arizona State.
422
00:17:35,841 --> 00:17:37,441
What are you doing?
423
00:17:37,509 --> 00:17:40,277
I'm so confident Steve's
not a threat to my position
424
00:17:40,345 --> 00:17:42,546
as alpha male, I've
taken up knitting.
425
00:17:42,614 --> 00:17:44,348
Here, I've made
you a sweater.
426
00:17:44,416 --> 00:17:46,050
I knitted it with
nursing flaps.
427
00:17:48,303 --> 00:17:51,022
Oh, I'm a boy, but okay.
428
00:17:51,089 --> 00:17:52,757
It's still a lovely gesture.
429
00:17:52,824 --> 00:17:54,625
Now I have something for you.
430
00:17:54,693 --> 00:17:57,094
Roger has taken Steve to a party
for intercourse
431
00:17:57,162 --> 00:17:58,462
so he can usurp you.
432
00:17:58,530 --> 00:17:59,563
Here's the flyer.
433
00:18:06,121 --> 00:18:08,806
Drink, Charlie.
434
00:18:14,496 --> 00:18:17,081
Don't worry.
I'm just here to talk.
435
00:18:17,149 --> 00:18:18,382
Pop the one
in the chamber.
436
00:18:18,450 --> 00:18:21,385
Streetwise. I like that.
437
00:18:21,453 --> 00:18:22,820
I'm here to get
my watch back.
438
00:18:22,888 --> 00:18:24,889
We earned that watch.
439
00:18:24,956 --> 00:18:27,358
You kidnapped us and forced
us into slave labor.
440
00:18:27,426 --> 00:18:30,795
Did I? Or did I solve your
marital strife, as promised,
441
00:18:30,862 --> 00:18:32,463
by providing you
with a common enemy?
442
00:18:32,531 --> 00:18:35,366
Whoa.
443
00:18:37,519 --> 00:18:39,086
Welcome back, Mouse-schwitz.
444
00:18:39,154 --> 00:18:41,722
Hey, can I get another one
of those Stephen Hawking pills
445
00:18:41,790 --> 00:18:43,524
where my mind's working,
but my body ain't?
446
00:18:43,592 --> 00:18:45,559
Maybe I'll write
a book while I'm out.
447
00:18:45,627 --> 00:18:48,195
Call it A Brief
History of Fine.
448
00:18:48,263 --> 00:18:50,097
Be about Diana Ross.
449
00:18:50,165 --> 00:18:51,866
Yeah...
450
00:18:51,933 --> 00:18:54,001
Here, take the whole bottle.
451
00:18:54,069 --> 00:18:56,237
Great! See you
all in 12 hours.
452
00:18:58,874 --> 00:19:03,778
Fire up the cloud car, Lando--
I'm coming to visit.
453
00:19:03,845 --> 00:19:06,313
♪ ♪
454
00:19:06,381 --> 00:19:09,283
So then I said, "Bing
never gets his hair wet."
455
00:19:11,386 --> 00:19:12,620
Where is he?!
456
00:19:12,687 --> 00:19:13,754
I've got to stop him!
457
00:19:13,822 --> 00:19:15,689
You're wasting your time.
458
00:19:15,757 --> 00:19:17,191
I'm too late.
He already did it.
459
00:19:17,259 --> 00:19:18,492
Already did...?
460
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:19,760
Oh, my God, no.
461
00:19:19,828 --> 00:19:20,895
Look at him.
462
00:19:20,962 --> 00:19:23,164
Oh, that's beautiful.
463
00:19:23,231 --> 00:19:25,366
I was thinking of getting
"Yub Yub Eee"
464
00:19:25,434 --> 00:19:26,767
tattooed on my chest.
465
00:19:26,835 --> 00:19:28,469
That's Ewok for "Steve."
466
00:19:28,537 --> 00:19:29,904
But I hate
taking my shirt off,
467
00:19:29,971 --> 00:19:31,472
plus the pain
would make me cry,
468
00:19:31,540 --> 00:19:32,773
and once I start crying,
469
00:19:32,841 --> 00:19:34,275
I can't stop for
at least an hour.
470
00:19:37,712 --> 00:19:39,680
Oh, here I go.
471
00:19:41,616 --> 00:19:42,917
Well, done, Stan.
472
00:19:42,984 --> 00:19:44,952
There's no threat of
your son challenging you,
473
00:19:45,020 --> 00:19:47,254
and there's no threat of
his son challenging him.
474
00:19:47,322 --> 00:19:49,423
With the way you raised him,
he'll never have kids.
475
00:19:55,664 --> 00:19:57,782
You were so obsessed
with keeping him down
476
00:19:57,849 --> 00:19:59,450
that he's never
going to get up.
477
00:19:59,518 --> 00:20:01,252
Oh, speaking of not
getting things up, Lucy,
478
00:20:01,319 --> 00:20:03,854
you really
let yourself go.
479
00:20:03,922 --> 00:20:04,989
Gross.
480
00:20:05,056 --> 00:20:07,458
On, my God,
what have I done?
481
00:20:09,110 --> 00:20:11,212
Are you happy, Dad?
482
00:20:11,279 --> 00:20:13,364
You win. I'm never
going to be a man.
483
00:20:13,431 --> 00:20:14,698
I know.
484
00:20:14,766 --> 00:20:17,434
Especially if I keep raising
you like we're walruses.
485
00:20:17,502 --> 00:20:19,270
Your mother was right.
486
00:20:19,337 --> 00:20:22,406
You're growing up, and I
shouldn't try to stop you.
487
00:20:22,474 --> 00:20:25,376
My job as a father is
to give you the skills
488
00:20:25,443 --> 00:20:27,978
and the confidence to send you
out into the real world.
489
00:20:28,046 --> 00:20:31,282
Judging by tonight,
I clearly haven't done that.
490
00:20:31,349 --> 00:20:32,950
But that changes now.
491
00:20:33,018 --> 00:20:34,251
You're going to
get me laid?
492
00:20:34,319 --> 00:20:36,053
No, no, you're
too young for sex.
493
00:20:36,121 --> 00:20:37,588
Let's start
with the basics.
494
00:20:37,656 --> 00:20:39,123
I'm going to teach
you how to shave.
495
00:20:42,561 --> 00:20:44,395
Looking good, Steve.
496
00:20:44,462 --> 00:20:45,996
I'm still going to finish
before you, though.
497
00:20:46,064 --> 00:20:47,164
No, you're not.
498
00:20:47,232 --> 00:20:48,766
Yes, I am. I'm almost...
Done!
499
00:20:48,834 --> 00:20:50,501
Good job, son.
500
00:20:50,569 --> 00:20:52,336
Very impressive.
501
00:20:52,404 --> 00:20:53,637
Smooth...
502
00:20:53,705 --> 00:20:54,872
and no nicks.
503
00:20:54,940 --> 00:20:55,923
You're a natural.
504
00:20:55,990 --> 00:20:57,324
Thanks, Dad.
505
00:20:57,392 --> 00:20:59,109
It's much better to
practice on a man's back
506
00:20:59,177 --> 00:21:00,578
rather than you own face.
507
00:21:00,645 --> 00:21:02,012
Good thing we found
your school's principal
508
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:03,981
passed out
in your sister's room.
509
00:21:04,049 --> 00:21:05,649
What do we do
with him now?
510
00:21:05,717 --> 00:21:07,868
Hey, I know
that look.
511
00:21:07,936 --> 00:21:10,070
I'll take it
from here.
512
00:21:10,138 --> 00:21:13,690
-- sync, corrected by elderman --