1
00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:37,990
Your daughter is gorgeous.
2
00:00:38,115 --> 00:00:39,365
Bone structure.
3
00:00:40,182 --> 00:00:41,991
This is such an interesting piece.
4
00:00:42,116 --> 00:00:43,416
Boner structure.
5
00:00:45,183 --> 00:00:47,543
Reminder... There's sponge cake
and/or cheese
6
00:00:47,668 --> 00:00:48,704
in the piano room.
7
00:00:48,829 --> 00:00:50,132
That sounds delightful!
8
00:00:50,345 --> 00:00:51,728
Okay, I've got a good joke.
9
00:00:51,853 --> 00:00:55,110
What's the difference
between a golf ball and a g-spot?
10
00:00:58,842 --> 00:01:00,810
That's just the setup, honey.
11
00:01:01,027 --> 00:01:04,127
A man will spend 20 minutes
looking for a golf ball.
12
00:01:05,237 --> 00:01:08,274
Because it's more important to find
a golf ball than to please our wives!
13
00:01:10,511 --> 00:01:13,192
Looks like the health care bill
is mired in the senate again.
14
00:01:13,317 --> 00:01:15,493
- Oh, God, they did it again?
- Oh, come on!
15
00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:18,563
I don't think our health care system
can be reformed.
16
00:01:18,741 --> 00:01:19,912
Oh, really?
Why not?
17
00:01:23,107 --> 00:01:24,791
Uh-huh... What?
18
00:01:26,374 --> 00:01:27,856
You caught me!
19
00:01:27,981 --> 00:01:29,231
I have no idea.
20
00:01:29,730 --> 00:01:31,757
I just say stuff sometimes.
21
00:01:33,503 --> 00:01:35,469
Look, everyone...
Her dress is see-through!
22
00:01:36,447 --> 00:01:39,807
How come every time we go to a party
you push me in the pool!
23
00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:42,350
Everyone's always afraid
to be the first one in the pool.
24
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:44,457
You're that girl...
You're the party starter.
25
00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:47,278
My purse tampons
were floating in the water!
26
00:01:47,623 --> 00:01:50,322
People were impressed
by how big they got.
27
00:01:50,447 --> 00:01:52,379
Francine embarrassed you again, huh?
28
00:01:52,504 --> 00:01:54,864
Klaus, she's terrible
in social situations.
29
00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:56,463
She doesn't know when to laugh,
30
00:01:56,588 --> 00:01:58,607
she talks about things
she doesn't know about.
31
00:01:58,732 --> 00:02:02,736
You know, Stan, she's the reason
you never get invited to fancy events.
32
00:02:02,958 --> 00:02:04,665
Like Bullock's cocktail parties.
33
00:02:04,790 --> 00:02:06,041
Exactly!
34
00:02:06,297 --> 00:02:09,165
Bullock always has dignitaries
and heads of state there.
35
00:02:09,290 --> 00:02:12,348
Like, I bet if I was married
to Helen Mirren, we'd get invited.
36
00:02:12,473 --> 00:02:16,323
She'd wear her silver mane up,
showing off that sophisticated neck.
37
00:02:16,543 --> 00:02:20,542
A bobby pin would fall out, and
a rebellious lock would cascade down.
38
00:02:20,897 --> 00:02:23,145
I'd get in real close and whisper...
39
00:02:23,270 --> 00:02:25,420
"You have a loose hair, hellcat."
40
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:30,252
Dudes!
41
00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:33,986
Vince Chung's throwing a bonfire beneath
the water tower tomorrow night,
42
00:02:34,211 --> 00:02:35,400
and get this...
43
00:02:35,525 --> 00:02:38,625
Anyone can come,
as long as they bring booze
44
00:02:38,946 --> 00:02:40,076
or girls!
45
00:02:40,303 --> 00:02:41,577
My sister's a girl!
46
00:02:41,746 --> 00:02:45,651
Yeah, but they have to be prettier
than Leelee Sobieski.
47
00:02:46,607 --> 00:02:48,876
Then we shall gain
our entry with booze.
48
00:02:49,164 --> 00:02:52,212
A kid from Hebrew school
told me about a guy named Warren
49
00:02:52,337 --> 00:02:54,793
who hangs out in the alley
behind liquor time
50
00:02:54,918 --> 00:02:56,592
and buys kids beer.
51
00:02:56,887 --> 00:02:59,009
Excellent!
We'll go after school.
52
00:02:59,335 --> 00:03:01,597
So, you're still doing
that whole Hebrew thing, huh?
53
00:03:01,893 --> 00:03:04,094
Yes, Steve!
It's who I am!
54
00:03:04,515 --> 00:03:06,115
It's everything to me!
55
00:03:09,152 --> 00:03:12,691
This is interesting, Francine.
Congress is in session now.
56
00:03:12,816 --> 00:03:13,597
In.
57
00:03:13,962 --> 00:03:17,599
So if we're at a party, say,
and someone asks whether it's in or not,
58
00:03:17,724 --> 00:03:19,366
you'll know that it is in.
59
00:03:21,705 --> 00:03:24,128
Oh, and look at this...
It says energy drinks for women
60
00:03:24,253 --> 00:03:26,473
are the hottest thing in a cool,
pink can...
61
00:03:26,598 --> 00:03:28,374
What am I doing?
I'm reading an ad.
62
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,224
Knock, knock.
Sorry to interrupt.
63
00:03:30,349 --> 00:03:32,095
- Hi, Libby!
- I just got a call.
64
00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:35,155
My father's coming into town and will be
staying with us for a few days.
65
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,337
- That sounds nice.
- Yeah, yeah, should be great fun.
66
00:03:38,462 --> 00:03:40,146
Oh, also, he doesn't know I'm gay.
67
00:03:40,271 --> 00:03:43,455
If I could keep a few things over here
while he's in town, that'd be great.
68
00:03:43,580 --> 00:03:45,842
Our mapplethorpe prints, our baby,
69
00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:48,301
this new drawing
I did of Burt Reynolds...
70
00:03:48,426 --> 00:03:51,313
- It's unfinished. Don't finish it.
- Terry, this is insane.
71
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:54,441
Okay, the kitchen door entrance
is supposed to be just family.
72
00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:56,912
We've been together for nine years,
we have a baby...
73
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,615
you have to tell your father!
74
00:03:58,740 --> 00:04:00,198
You don't understand, okay?
75
00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:02,734
You don't know what it's like
being the son of Tank Bates.
76
00:04:02,859 --> 00:04:05,168
Wait. Tank Bates is your father?
77
00:04:05,293 --> 00:04:08,289
The all-pro fullback
for the Washington Redskins Tank Bates?
78
00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:11,834
Yes. That's why he's coming into town.
They're retiring his jersey.
79
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:14,255
Theismann pitches out to Bates,
Bates comes around the end,
80
00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:17,088
the offensive line clears a hole,
he leaps over the top, and he's short!
81
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:19,174
He's stopped at the one-yard line!
82
00:04:20,933 --> 00:04:23,576
Oh, it's okay, they scored
on the next play... Quarterback sneak.
83
00:04:23,701 --> 00:04:26,108
Football! Catch the fever!
84
00:04:26,758 --> 00:04:28,194
Terry, Greg is right.
85
00:04:28,319 --> 00:04:29,821
You don't want Libby to grow up
86
00:04:29,946 --> 00:04:33,005
thinking being gay is something
to be ashamed of, do you?
87
00:04:33,372 --> 00:04:34,722
As her godmother,
88
00:04:34,847 --> 00:04:37,447
I'll be there to support you
all the way.
89
00:04:38,340 --> 00:04:39,925
You know what?
You're right.
90
00:04:40,050 --> 00:04:42,400
It's time I tell my father
the truth.
91
00:04:43,468 --> 00:04:46,365
Hey, you mind if come over and toss
the ol'pigskin around with your dad
92
00:04:46,490 --> 00:04:48,287
before you tell him
you're a banana crammer?
93
00:04:48,412 --> 00:04:50,039
He probably won't feel
like it after.
94
00:04:54,429 --> 00:04:56,273
I don't see him.
Just some kids.
95
00:04:56,398 --> 00:04:59,454
We all see the kids, Steve! God!
96
00:04:59,687 --> 00:05:00,787
There he is.
97
00:05:07,755 --> 00:05:09,807
Excuse me?
Are you Warren?
98
00:05:10,189 --> 00:05:11,644
Help you boys get loaded?
99
00:05:12,499 --> 00:05:14,682
You're the guy
who buys booze for kids?!
100
00:05:14,807 --> 00:05:16,535
Sure.
It's a great way to make money.
101
00:05:16,660 --> 00:05:19,504
That's how I bought my boom box,
that's how I bought my dog, Pepper,
102
00:05:19,629 --> 00:05:22,485
and that's how I bought this folding
chair that turns into a backpack.
103
00:05:22,610 --> 00:05:24,424
I put it on,
and I'm completely mobile.
104
00:05:24,549 --> 00:05:25,414
Great!
105
00:05:25,539 --> 00:05:28,018
- We'd like liquor, please.
- All right, be right back.
106
00:05:28,143 --> 00:05:30,460
If some little girl with a bruise
on her cheek comes by
107
00:05:30,585 --> 00:05:32,840
and says this is her dog, it is.
108
00:05:32,965 --> 00:05:34,416
Pepper is stolen.
109
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:38,845
Terry, don't worry.
It'll be fine.
110
00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:41,638
Oh, God. Oh, God.
111
00:05:43,182 --> 00:05:44,932
Sweetie, you can do this.
112
00:05:50,054 --> 00:05:51,188
Hey there, kid.
113
00:05:51,313 --> 00:05:52,101
Hi, Dad.
114
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:53,268
He's so big!
115
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:54,939
Sorry I'm late.
Traffic was...
116
00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:57,257
I have something to tell,
and if I don't do it right now
117
00:05:57,382 --> 00:05:58,738
I might never be able to.
118
00:05:58,863 --> 00:06:00,149
All right.
What is it?
119
00:06:00,422 --> 00:06:01,422
You see...
120
00:06:01,719 --> 00:06:02,444
I...
121
00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:04,229
I'm...
122
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,447
This is my girlfriend Francine
and we had this baby out of wedlock,
123
00:06:10,572 --> 00:06:13,075
and I didn't tell you
because I knew you wouldn't approve.
124
00:06:13,314 --> 00:06:14,398
And who are they?
125
00:06:14,523 --> 00:06:17,469
That's Stan and Greg,
the homos from across the street.
126
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,389
Morning. How'd you sleep?
127
00:06:23,514 --> 00:06:25,912
Terrible.
Is that the first couch ever made?
128
00:06:27,096 --> 00:06:28,567
I can't believe Terry!
129
00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:31,375
That is my house
and my partner and my baby!
130
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,519
And here I am,
living out of an overnight bag
131
00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:35,686
in a tear-down across the street!
132
00:06:38,704 --> 00:06:40,611
- Good morning, Mr. Bates.
- Morning.
133
00:06:40,736 --> 00:06:42,982
You know, I was just wondering
what the hell this is.
134
00:06:43,107 --> 00:06:44,757
Oh, it's Terry's. He...
135
00:06:46,478 --> 00:06:48,847
Our sex last night
was so satisfying.
136
00:06:48,972 --> 00:06:51,307
When I entered you that was divine!
137
00:06:53,019 --> 00:06:54,587
I've slept on it, and...
138
00:06:54,712 --> 00:06:56,457
I've decided I can accept this.
139
00:06:56,896 --> 00:06:59,147
Even though you had this baby
out of wedlock,
140
00:06:59,272 --> 00:07:01,670
I know you'll do the right thing
and get married.
141
00:07:02,921 --> 00:07:06,240
Yes, of course we will.
Finally make an honest women out me.
142
00:07:06,365 --> 00:07:07,665
Her. Out of her.
143
00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:13,432
Francine, you need to come home.
Greg won't stop being snarky.
144
00:07:13,557 --> 00:07:14,931
Please be patient, Stan.
145
00:07:15,056 --> 00:07:18,494
Terry said he'll tell his father...
He's just waiting for the right moment.
146
00:07:21,928 --> 00:07:22,941
Look at him.
147
00:07:23,354 --> 00:07:24,914
He's just gonna float away.
148
00:07:25,039 --> 00:07:26,601
Float away like a fairy.
149
00:07:28,462 --> 00:07:29,448
Look at him.
150
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:31,742
Carrying those heavy trash cans
like a girl.
151
00:07:32,778 --> 00:07:36,121
He probably wishes that rock
was a big, naked man.
152
00:07:39,145 --> 00:07:41,745
Yeah, whistle a show tune,
you drag queen!
153
00:07:46,068 --> 00:07:48,368
- What a day. Where's dinner?
- At the store.
154
00:07:48,493 --> 00:07:50,739
I don't cook, Stan...
We'll just have to go out to dinner.
155
00:07:50,864 --> 00:07:52,620
But... It's a weekday.
156
00:07:52,745 --> 00:07:54,791
That's once-in-a-while-
on-weekends talk!
157
00:07:54,916 --> 00:07:57,402
- Straight women don't ask for much.
- They really don't...
158
00:07:57,527 --> 00:08:00,687
Use coasters now and again and don't
whizz in the shower on her birthday.
159
00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,663
Have you seen Steve? I want to see
his face when I tell him
160
00:08:03,788 --> 00:08:06,111
the midget who acted
inside of R2-D2 died.
161
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,695
Love it, love everything about it.
But he's out at a party.
162
00:08:08,942 --> 00:08:10,832
I bought him so much beer!
163
00:08:11,154 --> 00:08:12,900
Roger, you can't buy beer for Steve!
164
00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:14,150
He's only 14.
165
00:08:14,275 --> 00:08:17,808
Maybe I didn't make myself clear.
I did it for $12 profit.
166
00:08:22,176 --> 00:08:24,126
- Director Bullock!
- Smith.
167
00:08:24,693 --> 00:08:26,379
Hi. Greg Corbin.
Stan's neighbor.
168
00:08:26,504 --> 00:08:28,625
From Action News!
Of course!
169
00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:30,873
You and your partner Terry
are great.
170
00:08:30,998 --> 00:08:34,498
I had several gay experiences
when I was in boarding school.
171
00:08:34,678 --> 00:08:37,678
Nothing too big,
just some boyish night poundings.
172
00:08:39,047 --> 00:08:41,890
What a coincidence!
That's my favorite vintage!
173
00:08:42,015 --> 00:08:44,225
Would you like to join us for a glass,
director Bullock?
174
00:08:44,350 --> 00:08:46,700
I suppose I could stay
for one glass.
175
00:08:50,778 --> 00:08:52,480
And Heisenberg's wife was unhappy,
176
00:08:52,605 --> 00:08:55,274
because when her husband had the time,
he didn't have the energy.
177
00:08:55,399 --> 00:08:58,143
And when he had the position,
he didn't have the momentum.
178
00:09:00,224 --> 00:09:02,624
See? Because of his wife...
I don't even know!
179
00:09:02,946 --> 00:09:05,037
You know, Stan,
this is very last-minute,
180
00:09:05,162 --> 00:09:08,126
but I'm having a small cocktail party
tomorrow night.
181
00:09:08,251 --> 00:09:10,340
Would you and...
Greg care to come?
182
00:09:11,746 --> 00:09:16,228
Say it loud
and there's music playing
183
00:09:16,786 --> 00:09:18,864
Say it soft
184
00:09:18,989 --> 00:09:22,853
And it's almost like praying
185
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,415
Maria...
186
00:09:26,029 --> 00:09:29,069
I'll never stop saying
187
00:09:29,537 --> 00:09:31,017
Maria
188
00:09:38,470 --> 00:09:40,526
Excellent way to express joy.
189
00:09:40,824 --> 00:09:43,024
See you both tomorrow night, then.
190
00:09:43,376 --> 00:09:45,877
I finally got invited
to a Bullock party!
191
00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,562
I'm in the big leagues now!
192
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,837
My Helen Mirren, my little queen!
193
00:09:52,116 --> 00:09:54,988
I'm just calling to tell you
this will all be over soon.
194
00:09:55,113 --> 00:09:57,047
I locked Terry and Tank in the den.
195
00:09:57,172 --> 00:10:00,416
They're not going anywhere
until Terry tells him the truth.
196
00:10:00,541 --> 00:10:03,147
I got to go! Here's my credit card!
Put $30 on it...
197
00:10:03,272 --> 00:10:04,897
That's what I feel like I owe.
198
00:10:07,989 --> 00:10:10,901
Terry? I hope you're talking
to your father in there.
199
00:10:11,399 --> 00:10:13,010
Talking to me about what?
200
00:10:13,898 --> 00:10:16,009
Well, I need to tell you something.
201
00:10:16,303 --> 00:10:17,554
What are you doing?
202
00:10:17,768 --> 00:10:19,886
- What's going on? What's been said?
- Not much.
203
00:10:20,011 --> 00:10:22,068
Terry's crazy broad locked us
in here.
204
00:10:22,193 --> 00:10:24,539
It was pretty quiet
until I flipped to Skinemax.
205
00:10:25,595 --> 00:10:29,445
Just father and son sitting around
and watching a guy plow a girl.
206
00:10:29,682 --> 00:10:31,932
You only like this 50%, huh, fairy?
207
00:10:32,541 --> 00:10:34,628
I like this 100%.
208
00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:38,487
See what he's like?
209
00:10:38,612 --> 00:10:41,725
Francine, I appreciate you trying,
but I am never telling him.
210
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:45,399
I don't know what I was thinking.
Thank god Stan burst in when he did.
211
00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:47,466
- Why did you do that?!
- Do what?
212
00:10:47,591 --> 00:10:49,565
Test the ax that could save
our lives in a fire?
213
00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,230
Oh, I don't know, maybe 'cause I care
a whole hell of a lot!
214
00:10:52,355 --> 00:10:55,454
I mean, I try so hard
and you try so little, and I just...
215
00:10:55,579 --> 00:10:56,879
I don't know.
216
00:10:58,637 --> 00:11:00,508
You're prettier
than all your sisters.
217
00:11:00,633 --> 00:11:02,869
Roger, Steve could be dead.
He could be...
218
00:11:03,441 --> 00:11:05,441
What up, you ass-face bitches?
219
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,000
You stupid-ass.
220
00:11:09,057 --> 00:11:10,807
Well, hello, potty mouth.
221
00:11:10,932 --> 00:11:12,756
So I guess the party
was pretty good, then?
222
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:13,863
S' awesome!
223
00:11:13,988 --> 00:11:15,955
I made out with a girl
I met at this place
224
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:19,603
I went to after to get
some late-night za and da.
225
00:11:19,728 --> 00:11:20,846
Za and...?
226
00:11:21,226 --> 00:11:23,037
Pizza and soda.
227
00:11:23,409 --> 00:11:26,342
When you're drunk, you don't have time
for the beginning of words.
228
00:11:26,467 --> 00:11:28,645
All you care about
is ood and oonani.
229
00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:31,333
You're fun hammered!
230
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:34,204
I swear, that's the first time
you've genuinely made me laugh.
231
00:11:34,329 --> 00:11:36,987
You guys want to meet her?
Come on in, baby!
232
00:11:45,374 --> 00:11:46,724
She's so heinous!
233
00:11:46,937 --> 00:11:49,305
What have I done?
Oh, Hayley, you were right.
234
00:11:49,430 --> 00:11:52,169
Minors should never drink alcohol.
I see that now.
235
00:11:52,736 --> 00:11:54,122
Eat my mouth.
236
00:11:58,905 --> 00:12:02,568
I will make up for what I have done
if it takes the rest of my life.
237
00:12:02,961 --> 00:12:04,298
Still wet, still wet.
238
00:12:04,586 --> 00:12:06,286
You don't have toenails.
239
00:12:07,168 --> 00:12:09,478
Hello, I'm Roger.
I like to pretend!
240
00:12:10,003 --> 00:12:11,136
Come on!
241
00:12:16,252 --> 00:12:18,624
Your book was so inspiring,
Mr. Mandela.
242
00:12:18,749 --> 00:12:22,753
- It made me want to become journalist.
- I am so happy it spoke to you.
243
00:12:23,055 --> 00:12:25,736
I don't know what book he's talking
about, but I love your movies.
244
00:12:25,861 --> 00:12:28,455
Especiallythe bucket list.
Whew, it got me.
245
00:12:29,088 --> 00:12:30,107
It got me.
246
00:12:30,232 --> 00:12:32,909
- Stan, I think you're mistaken.
- Aren't you Morgan Freeman?
247
00:12:33,034 --> 00:12:34,817
This is Nelson Mandela.
248
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:37,338
Why did you think
I was calling him Mr. Mandela?
249
00:12:37,463 --> 00:12:39,587
I thought it was
one of Freeman's many nicknames,
250
00:12:39,712 --> 00:12:41,685
like captain Morgan or Freckles.
251
00:12:41,881 --> 00:12:43,709
Freckles, you want to hear a joke?
252
00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:47,514
Do they have jokes in your country,
or is it just sadness all the time?
253
00:12:47,639 --> 00:12:49,239
Are you sad right now?
254
00:12:52,419 --> 00:12:54,169
He pushed me in the pool.
255
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:55,940
Oh, my god.
256
00:12:56,313 --> 00:12:57,942
I'm his Francine!
257
00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,982
Drink to dull your shame?
258
00:13:00,107 --> 00:13:02,139
Piggy wants two drinks.
259
00:13:02,442 --> 00:13:04,908
Drink it, piggy.
Does it taste good, pig?
260
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:11,990
Hey, plus one!
261
00:13:12,162 --> 00:13:14,944
You remember me,
the person that you came here with?
262
00:13:15,069 --> 00:13:16,218
Who's the old guy?
263
00:13:16,343 --> 00:13:18,498
Stan Smith, this is Elie Wiesel,
264
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:21,091
Nobel winning author of Night
and founder of...
265
00:13:21,216 --> 00:13:23,101
You're a son of a bitch,
you know that?
266
00:13:23,226 --> 00:13:24,476
Stan, please...
267
00:13:26,328 --> 00:13:28,628
You're embarrassed of me!
Admit it!
268
00:13:29,199 --> 00:13:30,305
Don't touch me!
269
00:13:30,430 --> 00:13:33,130
- Don't ever touch me!
- Stan, you're making a scene.
270
00:13:33,255 --> 00:13:34,439
That is not a scene.
271
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,186
You want...
You want a scene?
272
00:13:36,311 --> 00:13:37,703
Here's your scene!
273
00:13:37,828 --> 00:13:39,486
Hope you can swim, weasel!
274
00:13:41,093 --> 00:13:42,028
It's Wiesel.
275
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:43,614
And yes, I can.
276
00:13:46,473 --> 00:13:50,477
Well, you don't have to worry
about me embarrassing you ever again!
277
00:13:53,762 --> 00:13:54,791
Where's my wife?
278
00:13:56,155 --> 00:13:58,714
Francine, I need you
to come home right now.
279
00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:00,149
Greg was mean to me.
280
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:03,216
What are you talking about, fruit loop?
She's Terry's girlfriend.
281
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:04,518
No, she's not.
282
00:14:04,643 --> 00:14:05,843
She's my wife!
283
00:14:06,023 --> 00:14:08,388
Greg is Terry's boyfriend!
284
00:14:09,136 --> 00:14:11,733
- What?
- Terry and Greg are in love!
285
00:14:12,005 --> 00:14:13,859
Your son is gay!
286
00:14:15,839 --> 00:14:16,624
See?
287
00:14:16,749 --> 00:14:20,533
That's not how a straight guy faints.
This is how a straight guy faints.
288
00:14:25,322 --> 00:14:26,856
Where am I?
What happened?
289
00:14:26,981 --> 00:14:30,306
You outed Terry to his father,
then passed out,
290
00:14:30,601 --> 00:14:33,633
woke up, puked
and stumbled into the bushes!
291
00:14:34,554 --> 00:14:36,986
My dad's upstairs packing.
He didn't say a word.
292
00:14:37,111 --> 00:14:41,115
He looked at me, like he was envisioning
all the guys I ever had sex with,
293
00:14:41,377 --> 00:14:44,320
every late night massage,
every back alley zipper fight,
294
00:14:44,445 --> 00:14:47,302
every Frasier cast party,
every Honda test drive with Daryl.
295
00:14:47,964 --> 00:14:50,090
Everybody calm down.
I'll talk to Tank.
296
00:14:50,215 --> 00:14:52,641
I know what he's feeling.
I used to think like him.
297
00:14:52,898 --> 00:14:55,048
Scared of the intimate man dance.
298
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:57,707
And there's always an underlying reason
for this kind of thing.
299
00:14:57,832 --> 00:14:59,314
You have to figure out what it is.
300
00:15:00,174 --> 00:15:02,384
I'm sorry I told you
your son was gay.
301
00:15:02,509 --> 00:15:04,442
But deep down, you must have known.
302
00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:07,988
- So this is a good thing.
- No, I had no idea. This is terrible.
303
00:15:08,470 --> 00:15:12,474
But... While you think it's terrible,
you're still glad your son's happy.
304
00:15:13,556 --> 00:15:17,012
Although... While you don't care
about your son's feelings,
305
00:15:17,137 --> 00:15:19,982
you realize that your prejudice
is based in ignorance?
306
00:15:20,107 --> 00:15:22,128
No, I understand it.
I just don't like it.
307
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:25,970
However... While you may understand it
and not like it,
308
00:15:26,095 --> 00:15:29,839
you're sad that your son was unhappy and
kept this secret from you for so long.
309
00:15:29,964 --> 00:15:32,973
No. I'm happy I didn't know.
I wish I'd never known.
310
00:15:33,147 --> 00:15:34,647
Be that as it may...
311
00:15:35,144 --> 00:15:38,700
You think it's a choice, and you didn't
realize that people are born that way.
312
00:15:38,825 --> 00:15:42,025
No. I know it's not a choice,
and it still sickens me.
313
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,403
Francine, you want to jump in here?
Any time, sweetheart.
314
00:15:46,790 --> 00:15:47,748
Dad, please...
315
00:15:47,873 --> 00:15:50,806
No, I'm going to a hotel
until my jersey retirement ceremony.
316
00:15:50,931 --> 00:15:52,731
You are no longer welcome.
317
00:15:55,798 --> 00:15:56,798
He's fine.
318
00:15:57,565 --> 00:16:00,637
He's probably just wondering
how two guys can do it. He'll calm down
319
00:16:00,762 --> 00:16:03,146
when I explain it's like cramming
together two puzzle pieces
320
00:16:03,271 --> 00:16:06,460
- that don't quite fit.
- Shut up, Stan! You've done enough.
321
00:16:07,962 --> 00:16:09,241
They're fine.
322
00:16:09,904 --> 00:16:11,726
I can't believe you!
323
00:16:13,270 --> 00:16:14,270
She's fine.
324
00:16:15,646 --> 00:16:18,823
I just need to figure out the reason
for Tank's hatred.
325
00:16:18,948 --> 00:16:22,063
I got it!
I know why Tank is reacting this way!
326
00:16:22,377 --> 00:16:24,762
- I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
- What?
327
00:16:24,887 --> 00:16:27,285
Oh, no, I was just having
an out loud realization.
328
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:30,494
Would you like me to fill you in
on what it was...
329
00:16:30,619 --> 00:16:33,701
No, thanks. I've a lot of stuff going on
in my own life right now.
330
00:16:35,927 --> 00:16:38,884
What's he got going on
that's so important?
331
00:16:41,339 --> 00:16:45,083
And my Megan,
she would have been 19 years old today.
332
00:16:48,209 --> 00:16:49,774
Thank you, Mrs. Holliday.
333
00:16:49,899 --> 00:16:53,393
Your last name is very misleading,
given your tragic circumstances.
334
00:16:53,518 --> 00:16:56,668
And now our last speaker from Madd,
Warren Beanstock.
335
00:17:00,447 --> 00:17:02,847
I recognize a lot of faces
here today.
336
00:17:03,124 --> 00:17:05,002
I've bought alcohol for many of you.
337
00:17:05,127 --> 00:17:06,149
But no more!
338
00:17:06,374 --> 00:17:07,924
I've changed my ways.
339
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:12,113
I now understand what a terrible
epidemic underage drinking is.
340
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:18,287
67% of young people who drink
before the age of 15
341
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,162
will try an illicit drug.
342
00:17:20,402 --> 00:17:23,708
Last year, 21% of underage drivers
killed in accidents
343
00:17:23,833 --> 00:17:25,108
were intoxicated.
344
00:17:26,342 --> 00:17:29,069
And 96% of you
will wind up making out
345
00:17:29,194 --> 00:17:30,632
with a girl of this caliber.
348
00:17:45,715 --> 00:17:47,619
Roger, I can't believe
you did this to me!
349
00:17:47,744 --> 00:17:50,905
You'll feel better after a few beers.
Come on, let's go get drunk.
350
00:17:51,030 --> 00:17:52,152
You're driving.
351
00:17:52,799 --> 00:17:55,490
Today we retire the jersey
of a heck of a guy
352
00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:57,758
and a hell of a football player.
353
00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:00,954
It's an honor to be here
with Tank Bates,
354
00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:04,050
all-pro fullback
for the Washington Redskins!
355
00:18:08,711 --> 00:18:12,187
In his rookie season,
Tank rushed for over a thous...
356
00:18:12,312 --> 00:18:14,551
Tank Bates is a homosexual!
357
00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:23,562
This is your plan
to reunite me and my father?
358
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:25,309
Yeah, it totally makes sense.
359
00:18:25,434 --> 00:18:26,871
But my dad's not gay!
360
00:18:26,996 --> 00:18:27,996
Yes, he is.
361
00:18:28,121 --> 00:18:31,613
That's why he can't accept you,
because he can't accept himself.
362
00:18:31,738 --> 00:18:33,069
Like Kevin Spacey.
363
00:18:34,236 --> 00:18:35,422
In K-Pax.
364
00:18:40,504 --> 00:18:41,658
I'm not gay!
365
00:18:41,783 --> 00:18:43,779
You see how scared he is
of being judged?
366
00:18:43,979 --> 00:18:45,744
Come on people, show your support!
367
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,965
I am not gay!
368
00:18:49,090 --> 00:18:50,083
It's true.
369
00:18:50,208 --> 00:18:52,058
He's a notorious womanizer.
370
00:18:52,266 --> 00:18:55,891
He slept with all the cheerleaders,
the coach's daughter and...
371
00:18:56,016 --> 00:18:58,576
You're gonna love this...
My wife.
372
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:00,005
Last week.
373
00:19:00,317 --> 00:19:03,294
Shattered our family.
And here I am, shaking his hand.
374
00:19:03,508 --> 00:19:05,112
I'm an embarrassment.
375
00:19:05,455 --> 00:19:06,868
But I need to work.
376
00:19:06,993 --> 00:19:09,689
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
377
00:19:10,363 --> 00:19:11,236
Okay, fine.
378
00:19:11,361 --> 00:19:14,439
But if 50,000 people
were willing to accept you
379
00:19:14,564 --> 00:19:16,439
when they thought you were gay,
380
00:19:16,564 --> 00:19:18,990
don't you think you should give
your own son a chance?
381
00:19:22,686 --> 00:19:24,902
You think I care
what these drunken slobs think?
382
00:19:25,027 --> 00:19:27,024
They'll cheer for anything!
Watch.
383
00:19:27,149 --> 00:19:28,792
I just had a beer fart!
384
00:19:34,076 --> 00:19:36,632
Dad, I'm sorry to do this here,
but I'm gay.
385
00:19:36,757 --> 00:19:39,316
That's who I am.
And this is who I'm with.
386
00:19:39,441 --> 00:19:40,891
Greg is my partner,
387
00:19:41,016 --> 00:19:43,935
we have a child together,
we're a family.
388
00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:48,064
I want you to be part of it, but only
if you can accept me for who I am.
389
00:19:49,676 --> 00:19:50,676
I can't.
390
00:19:50,922 --> 00:19:53,622
It's wrong
and I want nothing to do with it.
391
00:19:56,043 --> 00:19:57,490
Brenda, don't.
392
00:19:57,663 --> 00:19:59,280
You're breaking my heart.
393
00:19:59,579 --> 00:20:02,342
How could you do this?
How could you bring us here?
394
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,276
How could you be so stupid?
395
00:20:04,401 --> 00:20:06,585
- How could you...
- Now, hold on a minute.
396
00:20:06,710 --> 00:20:09,254
Sure, Stan took something
extremely private
397
00:20:09,379 --> 00:20:13,378
and made it into a public spectacle,
but he was just trying to help.
398
00:20:13,887 --> 00:20:17,237
He may act like an idiot,
but it comes from a good place.
399
00:20:17,631 --> 00:20:19,564
That should count for something.
400
00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:20,688
It counts!
401
00:20:20,813 --> 00:20:22,313
It counts for a lot!
402
00:20:23,433 --> 00:20:24,245
See that?
403
00:20:24,370 --> 00:20:28,050
She loves him for who he is,
in spite of his many, many, many faults.
404
00:20:28,175 --> 00:20:32,179
If he can't accept you for who you are,
then you don't need him in your life.
405
00:20:33,515 --> 00:20:35,358
Get him out of your life!
406
00:20:35,728 --> 00:20:37,778
No, I don't need him in our life.
407
00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:41,933
All's well!
408
00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:45,230
You stood up for me.
409
00:20:45,355 --> 00:20:47,226
Even though I acted
like a complete fool.
410
00:20:47,351 --> 00:20:48,351
Of course.
411
00:20:48,643 --> 00:20:50,043
You're my husband.
412
00:20:50,328 --> 00:20:51,678
My idiot husband.
413
00:20:59,151 --> 00:21:00,364
Rudy.
414
00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:07,366
He did it!
415
00:21:07,491 --> 00:21:10,491
He got in the game for one play
and made a tackle!
416
00:21:18,813 --> 00:21:22,593
OK. What's the difference between
a priest and a watch?
417
00:21:26,130 --> 00:21:28,822
- That wasn't the punch line.
- Joke's over, fellow, the lady laughed,
418
00:21:28,947 --> 00:21:29,775
move on.