1 00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:37,990 Your daughter is gorgeous. 2 00:00:38,115 --> 00:00:39,365 Bone structure. 3 00:00:40,182 --> 00:00:41,991 This is such an interesting piece. 4 00:00:42,116 --> 00:00:43,416 Boner structure. 5 00:00:45,183 --> 00:00:47,543 Reminder... There's sponge cake and/or cheese 6 00:00:47,668 --> 00:00:48,704 in the piano room. 7 00:00:48,829 --> 00:00:50,132 That sounds delightful! 8 00:00:50,345 --> 00:00:51,728 Okay, I've got a good joke. 9 00:00:51,853 --> 00:00:55,110 What's the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot? 10 00:00:58,842 --> 00:01:00,810 That's just the setup, honey. 11 00:01:01,027 --> 00:01:04,127 A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball. 12 00:01:05,237 --> 00:01:08,274 Because it's more important to find a golf ball than to please our wives! 13 00:01:10,511 --> 00:01:13,192 Looks like the health care bill is mired in the senate again. 14 00:01:13,317 --> 00:01:15,493 - Oh, God, they did it again? - Oh, come on! 15 00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:18,563 I don't think our health care system can be reformed. 16 00:01:18,741 --> 00:01:19,912 Oh, really? Why not? 17 00:01:23,107 --> 00:01:24,791 Uh-huh... What? 18 00:01:26,374 --> 00:01:27,856 You caught me! 19 00:01:27,981 --> 00:01:29,231 I have no idea. 20 00:01:29,730 --> 00:01:31,757 I just say stuff sometimes. 21 00:01:33,503 --> 00:01:35,469 Look, everyone... Her dress is see-through! 22 00:01:36,447 --> 00:01:39,807 How come every time we go to a party you push me in the pool! 23 00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:42,350 Everyone's always afraid to be the first one in the pool. 24 00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:44,457 You're that girl... You're the party starter. 25 00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:47,278 My purse tampons were floating in the water! 26 00:01:47,623 --> 00:01:50,322 People were impressed by how big they got. 27 00:01:50,447 --> 00:01:52,379 Francine embarrassed you again, huh? 28 00:01:52,504 --> 00:01:54,864 Klaus, she's terrible in social situations. 29 00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:56,463 She doesn't know when to laugh, 30 00:01:56,588 --> 00:01:58,607 she talks about things she doesn't know about. 31 00:01:58,732 --> 00:02:02,736 You know, Stan, she's the reason you never get invited to fancy events. 32 00:02:02,958 --> 00:02:04,665 Like Bullock's cocktail parties. 33 00:02:04,790 --> 00:02:06,041 Exactly! 34 00:02:06,297 --> 00:02:09,165 Bullock always has dignitaries and heads of state there. 35 00:02:09,290 --> 00:02:12,348 Like, I bet if I was married to Helen Mirren, we'd get invited. 36 00:02:12,473 --> 00:02:16,323 She'd wear her silver mane up, showing off that sophisticated neck. 37 00:02:16,543 --> 00:02:20,542 A bobby pin would fall out, and a rebellious lock would cascade down. 38 00:02:20,897 --> 00:02:23,145 I'd get in real close and whisper... 39 00:02:23,270 --> 00:02:25,420 "You have a loose hair, hellcat." 40 00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:30,252 Dudes! 41 00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:33,986 Vince Chung's throwing a bonfire beneath the water tower tomorrow night, 42 00:02:34,211 --> 00:02:35,400 and get this... 43 00:02:35,525 --> 00:02:38,625 Anyone can come, as long as they bring booze 44 00:02:38,946 --> 00:02:40,076 or girls! 45 00:02:40,303 --> 00:02:41,577 My sister's a girl! 46 00:02:41,746 --> 00:02:45,651 Yeah, but they have to be prettier than Leelee Sobieski. 47 00:02:46,607 --> 00:02:48,876 Then we shall gain our entry with booze. 48 00:02:49,164 --> 00:02:52,212 A kid from Hebrew school told me about a guy named Warren 49 00:02:52,337 --> 00:02:54,793 who hangs out in the alley behind liquor time 50 00:02:54,918 --> 00:02:56,592 and buys kids beer. 51 00:02:56,887 --> 00:02:59,009 Excellent! We'll go after school. 52 00:02:59,335 --> 00:03:01,597 So, you're still doing that whole Hebrew thing, huh? 53 00:03:01,893 --> 00:03:04,094 Yes, Steve! It's who I am! 54 00:03:04,515 --> 00:03:06,115 It's everything to me! 55 00:03:09,152 --> 00:03:12,691 This is interesting, Francine. Congress is in session now. 56 00:03:12,816 --> 00:03:13,597 In. 57 00:03:13,962 --> 00:03:17,599 So if we're at a party, say, and someone asks whether it's in or not, 58 00:03:17,724 --> 00:03:19,366 you'll know that it is in. 59 00:03:21,705 --> 00:03:24,128 Oh, and look at this... It says energy drinks for women 60 00:03:24,253 --> 00:03:26,473 are the hottest thing in a cool, pink can... 61 00:03:26,598 --> 00:03:28,374 What am I doing? I'm reading an ad. 62 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,224 Knock, knock. Sorry to interrupt. 63 00:03:30,349 --> 00:03:32,095 - Hi, Libby! - I just got a call. 64 00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:35,155 My father's coming into town and will be staying with us for a few days. 65 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,337 - That sounds nice. - Yeah, yeah, should be great fun. 66 00:03:38,462 --> 00:03:40,146 Oh, also, he doesn't know I'm gay. 67 00:03:40,271 --> 00:03:43,455 If I could keep a few things over here while he's in town, that'd be great. 68 00:03:43,580 --> 00:03:45,842 Our mapplethorpe prints, our baby, 69 00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:48,301 this new drawing I did of Burt Reynolds... 70 00:03:48,426 --> 00:03:51,313 - It's unfinished. Don't finish it. - Terry, this is insane. 71 00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:54,441 Okay, the kitchen door entrance is supposed to be just family. 72 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:56,912 We've been together for nine years, we have a baby... 73 00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,615 you have to tell your father! 74 00:03:58,740 --> 00:04:00,198 You don't understand, okay? 75 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:02,734 You don't know what it's like being the son of Tank Bates. 76 00:04:02,859 --> 00:04:05,168 Wait. Tank Bates is your father? 77 00:04:05,293 --> 00:04:08,289 The all-pro fullback for the Washington Redskins Tank Bates? 78 00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:11,834 Yes. That's why he's coming into town. They're retiring his jersey. 79 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:14,255 Theismann pitches out to Bates, Bates comes around the end, 80 00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:17,088 the offensive line clears a hole, he leaps over the top, and he's short! 81 00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:19,174 He's stopped at the one-yard line! 82 00:04:20,933 --> 00:04:23,576 Oh, it's okay, they scored on the next play... Quarterback sneak. 83 00:04:23,701 --> 00:04:26,108 Football! Catch the fever! 84 00:04:26,758 --> 00:04:28,194 Terry, Greg is right. 85 00:04:28,319 --> 00:04:29,821 You don't want Libby to grow up 86 00:04:29,946 --> 00:04:33,005 thinking being gay is something to be ashamed of, do you? 87 00:04:33,372 --> 00:04:34,722 As her godmother, 88 00:04:34,847 --> 00:04:37,447 I'll be there to support you all the way. 89 00:04:38,340 --> 00:04:39,925 You know what? You're right. 90 00:04:40,050 --> 00:04:42,400 It's time I tell my father the truth. 91 00:04:43,468 --> 00:04:46,365 Hey, you mind if come over and toss the ol'pigskin around with your dad 92 00:04:46,490 --> 00:04:48,287 before you tell him you're a banana crammer? 93 00:04:48,412 --> 00:04:50,039 He probably won't feel like it after. 94 00:04:54,429 --> 00:04:56,273 I don't see him. Just some kids. 95 00:04:56,398 --> 00:04:59,454 We all see the kids, Steve! God! 96 00:04:59,687 --> 00:05:00,787 There he is. 97 00:05:07,755 --> 00:05:09,807 Excuse me? Are you Warren? 98 00:05:10,189 --> 00:05:11,644 Help you boys get loaded? 99 00:05:12,499 --> 00:05:14,682 You're the guy who buys booze for kids?! 100 00:05:14,807 --> 00:05:16,535 Sure. It's a great way to make money. 101 00:05:16,660 --> 00:05:19,504 That's how I bought my boom box, that's how I bought my dog, Pepper, 102 00:05:19,629 --> 00:05:22,485 and that's how I bought this folding chair that turns into a backpack. 103 00:05:22,610 --> 00:05:24,424 I put it on, and I'm completely mobile. 104 00:05:24,549 --> 00:05:25,414 Great! 105 00:05:25,539 --> 00:05:28,018 - We'd like liquor, please. - All right, be right back. 106 00:05:28,143 --> 00:05:30,460 If some little girl with a bruise on her cheek comes by 107 00:05:30,585 --> 00:05:32,840 and says this is her dog, it is. 108 00:05:32,965 --> 00:05:34,416 Pepper is stolen. 109 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:38,845 Terry, don't worry. It'll be fine. 110 00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:41,638 Oh, God. Oh, God. 111 00:05:43,182 --> 00:05:44,932 Sweetie, you can do this. 112 00:05:50,054 --> 00:05:51,188 Hey there, kid. 113 00:05:51,313 --> 00:05:52,101 Hi, Dad. 114 00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:53,268 He's so big! 115 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:54,939 Sorry I'm late. Traffic was... 116 00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:57,257 I have something to tell, and if I don't do it right now 117 00:05:57,382 --> 00:05:58,738 I might never be able to. 118 00:05:58,863 --> 00:06:00,149 All right. What is it? 119 00:06:00,422 --> 00:06:01,422 You see... 120 00:06:01,719 --> 00:06:02,444 I... 121 00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:04,229 I'm... 122 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,447 This is my girlfriend Francine and we had this baby out of wedlock, 123 00:06:10,572 --> 00:06:13,075 and I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't approve. 124 00:06:13,314 --> 00:06:14,398 And who are they? 125 00:06:14,523 --> 00:06:17,469 That's Stan and Greg, the homos from across the street. 126 00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,389 Morning. How'd you sleep? 127 00:06:23,514 --> 00:06:25,912 Terrible. Is that the first couch ever made? 128 00:06:27,096 --> 00:06:28,567 I can't believe Terry! 129 00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:31,375 That is my house and my partner and my baby! 130 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,519 And here I am, living out of an overnight bag 131 00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:35,686 in a tear-down across the street! 132 00:06:38,704 --> 00:06:40,611 - Good morning, Mr. Bates. - Morning. 133 00:06:40,736 --> 00:06:42,982 You know, I was just wondering what the hell this is. 134 00:06:43,107 --> 00:06:44,757 Oh, it's Terry's. He... 135 00:06:46,478 --> 00:06:48,847 Our sex last night was so satisfying. 136 00:06:48,972 --> 00:06:51,307 When I entered you that was divine! 137 00:06:53,019 --> 00:06:54,587 I've slept on it, and... 138 00:06:54,712 --> 00:06:56,457 I've decided I can accept this. 139 00:06:56,896 --> 00:06:59,147 Even though you had this baby out of wedlock, 140 00:06:59,272 --> 00:07:01,670 I know you'll do the right thing and get married. 141 00:07:02,921 --> 00:07:06,240 Yes, of course we will. Finally make an honest women out me. 142 00:07:06,365 --> 00:07:07,665 Her. Out of her. 143 00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:13,432 Francine, you need to come home. Greg won't stop being snarky. 144 00:07:13,557 --> 00:07:14,931 Please be patient, Stan. 145 00:07:15,056 --> 00:07:18,494 Terry said he'll tell his father... He's just waiting for the right moment. 146 00:07:21,928 --> 00:07:22,941 Look at him. 147 00:07:23,354 --> 00:07:24,914 He's just gonna float away. 148 00:07:25,039 --> 00:07:26,601 Float away like a fairy. 149 00:07:28,462 --> 00:07:29,448 Look at him. 150 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:31,742 Carrying those heavy trash cans like a girl. 151 00:07:32,778 --> 00:07:36,121 He probably wishes that rock was a big, naked man. 152 00:07:39,145 --> 00:07:41,745 Yeah, whistle a show tune, you drag queen! 153 00:07:46,068 --> 00:07:48,368 - What a day. Where's dinner? - At the store. 154 00:07:48,493 --> 00:07:50,739 I don't cook, Stan... We'll just have to go out to dinner. 155 00:07:50,864 --> 00:07:52,620 But... It's a weekday. 156 00:07:52,745 --> 00:07:54,791 That's once-in-a-while- on-weekends talk! 157 00:07:54,916 --> 00:07:57,402 - Straight women don't ask for much. - They really don't... 158 00:07:57,527 --> 00:08:00,687 Use coasters now and again and don't whizz in the shower on her birthday. 159 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,663 Have you seen Steve? I want to see his face when I tell him 160 00:08:03,788 --> 00:08:06,111 the midget who acted inside of R2-D2 died. 161 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,695 Love it, love everything about it. But he's out at a party. 162 00:08:08,942 --> 00:08:10,832 I bought him so much beer! 163 00:08:11,154 --> 00:08:12,900 Roger, you can't buy beer for Steve! 164 00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:14,150 He's only 14. 165 00:08:14,275 --> 00:08:17,808 Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I did it for $12 profit. 166 00:08:22,176 --> 00:08:24,126 - Director Bullock! - Smith. 167 00:08:24,693 --> 00:08:26,379 Hi. Greg Corbin. Stan's neighbor. 168 00:08:26,504 --> 00:08:28,625 From Action News! Of course! 169 00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:30,873 You and your partner Terry are great. 170 00:08:30,998 --> 00:08:34,498 I had several gay experiences when I was in boarding school. 171 00:08:34,678 --> 00:08:37,678 Nothing too big, just some boyish night poundings. 172 00:08:39,047 --> 00:08:41,890 What a coincidence! That's my favorite vintage! 173 00:08:42,015 --> 00:08:44,225 Would you like to join us for a glass, director Bullock? 174 00:08:44,350 --> 00:08:46,700 I suppose I could stay for one glass. 175 00:08:50,778 --> 00:08:52,480 And Heisenberg's wife was unhappy, 176 00:08:52,605 --> 00:08:55,274 because when her husband had the time, he didn't have the energy. 177 00:08:55,399 --> 00:08:58,143 And when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum. 178 00:09:00,224 --> 00:09:02,624 See? Because of his wife... I don't even know! 179 00:09:02,946 --> 00:09:05,037 You know, Stan, this is very last-minute, 180 00:09:05,162 --> 00:09:08,126 but I'm having a small cocktail party tomorrow night. 181 00:09:08,251 --> 00:09:10,340 Would you and... Greg care to come? 182 00:09:11,746 --> 00:09:16,228 Say it loud and there's music playing 183 00:09:16,786 --> 00:09:18,864 Say it soft 184 00:09:18,989 --> 00:09:22,853 And it's almost like praying 185 00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,415 Maria... 186 00:09:26,029 --> 00:09:29,069 I'll never stop saying 187 00:09:29,537 --> 00:09:31,017 Maria 188 00:09:38,470 --> 00:09:40,526 Excellent way to express joy. 189 00:09:40,824 --> 00:09:43,024 See you both tomorrow night, then. 190 00:09:43,376 --> 00:09:45,877 I finally got invited to a Bullock party! 191 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,562 I'm in the big leagues now! 192 00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,837 My Helen Mirren, my little queen! 193 00:09:52,116 --> 00:09:54,988 I'm just calling to tell you this will all be over soon. 194 00:09:55,113 --> 00:09:57,047 I locked Terry and Tank in the den. 195 00:09:57,172 --> 00:10:00,416 They're not going anywhere until Terry tells him the truth. 196 00:10:00,541 --> 00:10:03,147 I got to go! Here's my credit card! Put $30 on it... 197 00:10:03,272 --> 00:10:04,897 That's what I feel like I owe. 198 00:10:07,989 --> 00:10:10,901 Terry? I hope you're talking to your father in there. 199 00:10:11,399 --> 00:10:13,010 Talking to me about what? 200 00:10:13,898 --> 00:10:16,009 Well, I need to tell you something. 201 00:10:16,303 --> 00:10:17,554 What are you doing? 202 00:10:17,768 --> 00:10:19,886 - What's going on? What's been said? - Not much. 203 00:10:20,011 --> 00:10:22,068 Terry's crazy broad locked us in here. 204 00:10:22,193 --> 00:10:24,539 It was pretty quiet until I flipped to Skinemax. 205 00:10:25,595 --> 00:10:29,445 Just father and son sitting around and watching a guy plow a girl. 206 00:10:29,682 --> 00:10:31,932 You only like this 50%, huh, fairy? 207 00:10:32,541 --> 00:10:34,628 I like this 100%. 208 00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:38,487 See what he's like? 209 00:10:38,612 --> 00:10:41,725 Francine, I appreciate you trying, but I am never telling him. 210 00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:45,399 I don't know what I was thinking. Thank god Stan burst in when he did. 211 00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:47,466 - Why did you do that?! - Do what? 212 00:10:47,591 --> 00:10:49,565 Test the ax that could save our lives in a fire? 213 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,230 Oh, I don't know, maybe 'cause I care a whole hell of a lot! 214 00:10:52,355 --> 00:10:55,454 I mean, I try so hard and you try so little, and I just... 215 00:10:55,579 --> 00:10:56,879 I don't know. 216 00:10:58,637 --> 00:11:00,508 You're prettier than all your sisters. 217 00:11:00,633 --> 00:11:02,869 Roger, Steve could be dead. He could be... 218 00:11:03,441 --> 00:11:05,441 What up, you ass-face bitches? 219 00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,000 You stupid-ass. 220 00:11:09,057 --> 00:11:10,807 Well, hello, potty mouth. 221 00:11:10,932 --> 00:11:12,756 So I guess the party was pretty good, then? 222 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:13,863 S' awesome! 223 00:11:13,988 --> 00:11:15,955 I made out with a girl I met at this place 224 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:19,603 I went to after to get some late-night za and da. 225 00:11:19,728 --> 00:11:20,846 Za and...? 226 00:11:21,226 --> 00:11:23,037 Pizza and soda. 227 00:11:23,409 --> 00:11:26,342 When you're drunk, you don't have time for the beginning of words. 228 00:11:26,467 --> 00:11:28,645 All you care about is ood and oonani. 229 00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:31,333 You're fun hammered! 230 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:34,204 I swear, that's the first time you've genuinely made me laugh. 231 00:11:34,329 --> 00:11:36,987 You guys want to meet her? Come on in, baby! 232 00:11:45,374 --> 00:11:46,724 She's so heinous! 233 00:11:46,937 --> 00:11:49,305 What have I done? Oh, Hayley, you were right. 234 00:11:49,430 --> 00:11:52,169 Minors should never drink alcohol. I see that now. 235 00:11:52,736 --> 00:11:54,122 Eat my mouth. 236 00:11:58,905 --> 00:12:02,568 I will make up for what I have done if it takes the rest of my life. 237 00:12:02,961 --> 00:12:04,298 Still wet, still wet. 238 00:12:04,586 --> 00:12:06,286 You don't have toenails. 239 00:12:07,168 --> 00:12:09,478 Hello, I'm Roger. I like to pretend! 240 00:12:10,003 --> 00:12:11,136 Come on! 241 00:12:16,252 --> 00:12:18,624 Your book was so inspiring, Mr. Mandela. 242 00:12:18,749 --> 00:12:22,753 - It made me want to become journalist. - I am so happy it spoke to you. 243 00:12:23,055 --> 00:12:25,736 I don't know what book he's talking about, but I love your movies. 244 00:12:25,861 --> 00:12:28,455 Especiallythe bucket list. Whew, it got me. 245 00:12:29,088 --> 00:12:30,107 It got me. 246 00:12:30,232 --> 00:12:32,909 - Stan, I think you're mistaken. - Aren't you Morgan Freeman? 247 00:12:33,034 --> 00:12:34,817 This is Nelson Mandela. 248 00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:37,338 Why did you think I was calling him Mr. Mandela? 249 00:12:37,463 --> 00:12:39,587 I thought it was one of Freeman's many nicknames, 250 00:12:39,712 --> 00:12:41,685 like captain Morgan or Freckles. 251 00:12:41,881 --> 00:12:43,709 Freckles, you want to hear a joke? 252 00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:47,514 Do they have jokes in your country, or is it just sadness all the time? 253 00:12:47,639 --> 00:12:49,239 Are you sad right now? 254 00:12:52,419 --> 00:12:54,169 He pushed me in the pool. 255 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:55,940 Oh, my god. 256 00:12:56,313 --> 00:12:57,942 I'm his Francine! 257 00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,982 Drink to dull your shame? 258 00:13:00,107 --> 00:13:02,139 Piggy wants two drinks. 259 00:13:02,442 --> 00:13:04,908 Drink it, piggy. Does it taste good, pig? 260 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:11,990 Hey, plus one! 261 00:13:12,162 --> 00:13:14,944 You remember me, the person that you came here with? 262 00:13:15,069 --> 00:13:16,218 Who's the old guy? 263 00:13:16,343 --> 00:13:18,498 Stan Smith, this is Elie Wiesel, 264 00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:21,091 Nobel winning author of Night and founder of... 265 00:13:21,216 --> 00:13:23,101 You're a son of a bitch, you know that? 266 00:13:23,226 --> 00:13:24,476 Stan, please... 267 00:13:26,328 --> 00:13:28,628 You're embarrassed of me! Admit it! 268 00:13:29,199 --> 00:13:30,305 Don't touch me! 269 00:13:30,430 --> 00:13:33,130 - Don't ever touch me! - Stan, you're making a scene. 270 00:13:33,255 --> 00:13:34,439 That is not a scene. 271 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,186 You want... You want a scene? 272 00:13:36,311 --> 00:13:37,703 Here's your scene! 273 00:13:37,828 --> 00:13:39,486 Hope you can swim, weasel! 274 00:13:41,093 --> 00:13:42,028 It's Wiesel. 275 00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:43,614 And yes, I can. 276 00:13:46,473 --> 00:13:50,477 Well, you don't have to worry about me embarrassing you ever again! 277 00:13:53,762 --> 00:13:54,791 Where's my wife? 278 00:13:56,155 --> 00:13:58,714 Francine, I need you to come home right now. 279 00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:00,149 Greg was mean to me. 280 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:03,216 What are you talking about, fruit loop? She's Terry's girlfriend. 281 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:04,518 No, she's not. 282 00:14:04,643 --> 00:14:05,843 She's my wife! 283 00:14:06,023 --> 00:14:08,388 Greg is Terry's boyfriend! 284 00:14:09,136 --> 00:14:11,733 - What? - Terry and Greg are in love! 285 00:14:12,005 --> 00:14:13,859 Your son is gay! 286 00:14:15,839 --> 00:14:16,624 See? 287 00:14:16,749 --> 00:14:20,533 That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints. 288 00:14:25,322 --> 00:14:26,856 Where am I? What happened? 289 00:14:26,981 --> 00:14:30,306 You outed Terry to his father, then passed out, 290 00:14:30,601 --> 00:14:33,633 woke up, puked and stumbled into the bushes! 291 00:14:34,554 --> 00:14:36,986 My dad's upstairs packing. He didn't say a word. 292 00:14:37,111 --> 00:14:41,115 He looked at me, like he was envisioning all the guys I ever had sex with, 293 00:14:41,377 --> 00:14:44,320 every late night massage, every back alley zipper fight, 294 00:14:44,445 --> 00:14:47,302 every Frasier cast party, every Honda test drive with Daryl. 295 00:14:47,964 --> 00:14:50,090 Everybody calm down. I'll talk to Tank. 296 00:14:50,215 --> 00:14:52,641 I know what he's feeling. I used to think like him. 297 00:14:52,898 --> 00:14:55,048 Scared of the intimate man dance. 298 00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:57,707 And there's always an underlying reason for this kind of thing. 299 00:14:57,832 --> 00:14:59,314 You have to figure out what it is. 300 00:15:00,174 --> 00:15:02,384 I'm sorry I told you your son was gay. 301 00:15:02,509 --> 00:15:04,442 But deep down, you must have known. 302 00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:07,988 - So this is a good thing. - No, I had no idea. This is terrible. 303 00:15:08,470 --> 00:15:12,474 But... While you think it's terrible, you're still glad your son's happy. 304 00:15:13,556 --> 00:15:17,012 Although... While you don't care about your son's feelings, 305 00:15:17,137 --> 00:15:19,982 you realize that your prejudice is based in ignorance? 306 00:15:20,107 --> 00:15:22,128 No, I understand it. I just don't like it. 307 00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:25,970 However... While you may understand it and not like it, 308 00:15:26,095 --> 00:15:29,839 you're sad that your son was unhappy and kept this secret from you for so long. 309 00:15:29,964 --> 00:15:32,973 No. I'm happy I didn't know. I wish I'd never known. 310 00:15:33,147 --> 00:15:34,647 Be that as it may... 311 00:15:35,144 --> 00:15:38,700 You think it's a choice, and you didn't realize that people are born that way. 312 00:15:38,825 --> 00:15:42,025 No. I know it's not a choice, and it still sickens me. 313 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,403 Francine, you want to jump in here? Any time, sweetheart. 314 00:15:46,790 --> 00:15:47,748 Dad, please... 315 00:15:47,873 --> 00:15:50,806 No, I'm going to a hotel until my jersey retirement ceremony. 316 00:15:50,931 --> 00:15:52,731 You are no longer welcome. 317 00:15:55,798 --> 00:15:56,798 He's fine. 318 00:15:57,565 --> 00:16:00,637 He's probably just wondering how two guys can do it. He'll calm down 319 00:16:00,762 --> 00:16:03,146 when I explain it's like cramming together two puzzle pieces 320 00:16:03,271 --> 00:16:06,460 - that don't quite fit. - Shut up, Stan! You've done enough. 321 00:16:07,962 --> 00:16:09,241 They're fine. 322 00:16:09,904 --> 00:16:11,726 I can't believe you! 323 00:16:13,270 --> 00:16:14,270 She's fine. 324 00:16:15,646 --> 00:16:18,823 I just need to figure out the reason for Tank's hatred. 325 00:16:18,948 --> 00:16:22,063 I got it! I know why Tank is reacting this way! 326 00:16:22,377 --> 00:16:24,762 - I'm sorry, are you talking to me? - What? 327 00:16:24,887 --> 00:16:27,285 Oh, no, I was just having an out loud realization. 328 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:30,494 Would you like me to fill you in on what it was... 329 00:16:30,619 --> 00:16:33,701 No, thanks. I've a lot of stuff going on in my own life right now. 330 00:16:35,927 --> 00:16:38,884 What's he got going on that's so important? 331 00:16:41,339 --> 00:16:45,083 And my Megan, she would have been 19 years old today. 332 00:16:48,209 --> 00:16:49,774 Thank you, Mrs. Holliday. 333 00:16:49,899 --> 00:16:53,393 Your last name is very misleading, given your tragic circumstances. 334 00:16:53,518 --> 00:16:56,668 And now our last speaker from Madd, Warren Beanstock. 335 00:17:00,447 --> 00:17:02,847 I recognize a lot of faces here today. 336 00:17:03,124 --> 00:17:05,002 I've bought alcohol for many of you. 337 00:17:05,127 --> 00:17:06,149 But no more! 338 00:17:06,374 --> 00:17:07,924 I've changed my ways. 339 00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:12,113 I now understand what a terrible epidemic underage drinking is. 340 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:18,287 67% of young people who drink before the age of 15 341 00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,162 will try an illicit drug. 342 00:17:20,402 --> 00:17:23,708 Last year, 21% of underage drivers killed in accidents 343 00:17:23,833 --> 00:17:25,108 were intoxicated. 344 00:17:26,342 --> 00:17:29,069 And 96% of you will wind up making out 345 00:17:29,194 --> 00:17:30,632 with a girl of this caliber. 348 00:17:45,715 --> 00:17:47,619 Roger, I can't believe you did this to me! 349 00:17:47,744 --> 00:17:50,905 You'll feel better after a few beers. Come on, let's go get drunk. 350 00:17:51,030 --> 00:17:52,152 You're driving. 351 00:17:52,799 --> 00:17:55,490 Today we retire the jersey of a heck of a guy 352 00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:57,758 and a hell of a football player. 353 00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:00,954 It's an honor to be here with Tank Bates, 354 00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:04,050 all-pro fullback for the Washington Redskins! 355 00:18:08,711 --> 00:18:12,187 In his rookie season, Tank rushed for over a thous... 356 00:18:12,312 --> 00:18:14,551 Tank Bates is a homosexual! 357 00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:23,562 This is your plan to reunite me and my father? 358 00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:25,309 Yeah, it totally makes sense. 359 00:18:25,434 --> 00:18:26,871 But my dad's not gay! 360 00:18:26,996 --> 00:18:27,996 Yes, he is. 361 00:18:28,121 --> 00:18:31,613 That's why he can't accept you, because he can't accept himself. 362 00:18:31,738 --> 00:18:33,069 Like Kevin Spacey. 363 00:18:34,236 --> 00:18:35,422 In K-Pax. 364 00:18:40,504 --> 00:18:41,658 I'm not gay! 365 00:18:41,783 --> 00:18:43,779 You see how scared he is of being judged? 366 00:18:43,979 --> 00:18:45,744 Come on people, show your support! 367 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,965 I am not gay! 368 00:18:49,090 --> 00:18:50,083 It's true. 369 00:18:50,208 --> 00:18:52,058 He's a notorious womanizer. 370 00:18:52,266 --> 00:18:55,891 He slept with all the cheerleaders, the coach's daughter and... 371 00:18:56,016 --> 00:18:58,576 You're gonna love this... My wife. 372 00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:00,005 Last week. 373 00:19:00,317 --> 00:19:03,294 Shattered our family. And here I am, shaking his hand. 374 00:19:03,508 --> 00:19:05,112 I'm an embarrassment. 375 00:19:05,455 --> 00:19:06,868 But I need to work. 376 00:19:06,993 --> 00:19:09,689 I mean, what am I supposed to do? 377 00:19:10,363 --> 00:19:11,236 Okay, fine. 378 00:19:11,361 --> 00:19:14,439 But if 50,000 people were willing to accept you 379 00:19:14,564 --> 00:19:16,439 when they thought you were gay, 380 00:19:16,564 --> 00:19:18,990 don't you think you should give your own son a chance? 381 00:19:22,686 --> 00:19:24,902 You think I care what these drunken slobs think? 382 00:19:25,027 --> 00:19:27,024 They'll cheer for anything! Watch. 383 00:19:27,149 --> 00:19:28,792 I just had a beer fart! 384 00:19:34,076 --> 00:19:36,632 Dad, I'm sorry to do this here, but I'm gay. 385 00:19:36,757 --> 00:19:39,316 That's who I am. And this is who I'm with. 386 00:19:39,441 --> 00:19:40,891 Greg is my partner, 387 00:19:41,016 --> 00:19:43,935 we have a child together, we're a family. 388 00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:48,064 I want you to be part of it, but only if you can accept me for who I am. 389 00:19:49,676 --> 00:19:50,676 I can't. 390 00:19:50,922 --> 00:19:53,622 It's wrong and I want nothing to do with it. 391 00:19:56,043 --> 00:19:57,490 Brenda, don't. 392 00:19:57,663 --> 00:19:59,280 You're breaking my heart. 393 00:19:59,579 --> 00:20:02,342 How could you do this? How could you bring us here? 394 00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,276 How could you be so stupid? 395 00:20:04,401 --> 00:20:06,585 - How could you... - Now, hold on a minute. 396 00:20:06,710 --> 00:20:09,254 Sure, Stan took something extremely private 397 00:20:09,379 --> 00:20:13,378 and made it into a public spectacle, but he was just trying to help. 398 00:20:13,887 --> 00:20:17,237 He may act like an idiot, but it comes from a good place. 399 00:20:17,631 --> 00:20:19,564 That should count for something. 400 00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:20,688 It counts! 401 00:20:20,813 --> 00:20:22,313 It counts for a lot! 402 00:20:23,433 --> 00:20:24,245 See that? 403 00:20:24,370 --> 00:20:28,050 She loves him for who he is, in spite of his many, many, many faults. 404 00:20:28,175 --> 00:20:32,179 If he can't accept you for who you are, then you don't need him in your life. 405 00:20:33,515 --> 00:20:35,358 Get him out of your life! 406 00:20:35,728 --> 00:20:37,778 No, I don't need him in our life. 407 00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:41,933 All's well! 408 00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:45,230 You stood up for me. 409 00:20:45,355 --> 00:20:47,226 Even though I acted like a complete fool. 410 00:20:47,351 --> 00:20:48,351 Of course. 411 00:20:48,643 --> 00:20:50,043 You're my husband. 412 00:20:50,328 --> 00:20:51,678 My idiot husband. 413 00:20:59,151 --> 00:21:00,364 Rudy. 414 00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:07,366 He did it! 415 00:21:07,491 --> 00:21:10,491 He got in the game for one play and made a tackle! 416 00:21:18,813 --> 00:21:22,593 OK. What's the difference between a priest and a watch? 417 00:21:26,130 --> 00:21:28,822 - That wasn't the punch line. - Joke's over, fellow, the lady laughed, 418 00:21:28,947 --> 00:21:29,775 move on.