1 00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:05,173 STEVE: Beware! For evil lurks within these woods! 2 00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:08,776 I, your Pixie guide, welcome you, brave travelers, 3 00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:11,045 Snotly Goldweaver, 4 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:13,081 Toshitus Wolfsbane, 5 00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,249 Drew of Barrymore. 6 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:18,252 You must save the fair maiden from peril. 7 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,520 Oh, no! 8 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,255 Is peril like danger?! 9 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,390 Yes! 10 00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:23,757 We've discussed this. 11 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,559 And it comes in the form 12 00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:28,596 of a red lightning storm from the warlocks. 13 00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:31,599 (warbling) 14 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,767 A home intruder. 15 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:37,105 You outrun the storm on your noble steeds. 16 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,307 (clacking) 17 00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:40,908 And he's on horseback! 18 00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:43,377 I always knew I'd have to kill a horse. 19 00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:47,047 To the west, you hear a fair goblin maiden. 20 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,583 (harshly) Help! 21 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,585 I'm imprisoned in an evil warlock's 22 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,287 Tower of Despair! 23 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,755 Save me! 24 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,825 Oh, my God, goblin chicks get me so hot. 25 00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,227 What's going on down here? 26 00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:01,061 (normal voice) Oh, hello, traveler! 27 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:04,398 Welcome to The Dark Kingdom of Smithurnia! 28 00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:05,766 Pretty awesome, huh? 29 00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:07,801 It's my Dungeons & Dragons masterpiece. 30 00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:11,172 Steve, why do you make it so hard to love you? 31 00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:12,673 I'll have you know, Mr. Smith, 32 00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:15,643 your son is the best dungeon master around. 33 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:19,780 He brings the game to life by acting out every part! 34 00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,515 You flatter me, Snotly! 35 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,585 Dude, she is into you! 36 00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,154 Why don't you play with us, dad? 37 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,655 It's a really fun game. 38 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,690 This -- This is not a game. 39 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,259 Baseball is a game. 40 00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,127 And I'm trying to watch it upstairs. 41 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,828 Baseball's still around? 42 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,331 Is baseball the one with all the footballs? 43 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,700 Steve, Yoshi, Barney, Slimer, 44 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,603 just keep it quiet down here, okay? 45 00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,438 (sighs) 46 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:47,141 So, how 'bout that goblin maiden? 47 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,610 Is she still... hot to trot? 48 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:50,978 No. 49 00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,447 She's become too crestfallen for love. 50 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:54,948 Well, does she have a sister? 51 00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:57,485 Yeah, she does, and she's even hotter. 52 00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:01,222 But she has a latex allergy. 53 00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:02,490 Do her anyway! 54 00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:04,892 Pump and pray, bro! 55 00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,628 ♪♪ 56 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:10,063 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 57 00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:14,134 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 58 00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:17,070 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 59 00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:21,375 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 60 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,211 ♪♪ 61 00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:26,747 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 62 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:29,049 -♪ Good -- ♪ -♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 63 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,218 Aah! 64 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,888 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 65 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,391 (organ plays "Charge!") 66 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,892 ANNOUNCER: Time for the seventh-inning stretch 67 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,561 with Old Timey Ernie. 68 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:45,766 ♪ Oh! Take me out to the ball game ♪ 69 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:48,369 ♪ Take me out with the crowd ♪ 70 00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:49,837 -Dad? -Shh. 71 00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:51,672 I'm observing my favorite baseball tradition. 72 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,106 "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" 73 00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:55,709 is basically my favorite song by Albert Von Tilzer, 74 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,111 right behind "I'm the Lonesomest Gal in Town," 75 00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,714 "Oh, How She Could Yakky Hacky Wicky Wacky Woo," 76 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,182 "Honeyboy," "Chili Bean," 77 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:03,851 "Put On Your Slippers and Fill Up Your Pipe," 78 00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:06,019 "Au Revoir, But Not Goodbye, Soldier Boy," 79 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,955 and "My Cutie's Due at Two to Two." 80 00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:12,360 ♪ For it's one, two, three strikes you're out ♪ 81 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:17,365 ♪ At the old ball game ♪ 82 00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:19,199 Okay. Now you may bother me. 83 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,068 Check it out, Dad. 84 00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:24,071 I made a Dungeons & Dragons style baseball game! 85 00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:27,408 Your favorite game and my favorite game combined! 86 00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,109 Into... 87 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,211 our favorite game? 88 00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,980 -Never. -Come on, Dad! 89 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,215 Y-Your character is Bill the Shortstop! 90 00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:38,286 He has max ratings in wisdom and turning double plays. 91 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,553 Just roll the die! 92 00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:41,922 First, I'm going to roll my eyes. 93 00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:47,995 You rolled an 18, so that's a sacrifice bunt! 94 00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:49,263 Cool, huh? 95 00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:51,265 It's the exact opposite of cool. 96 00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,166 So...hot? 97 00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,303 Damn it! Why does every temperature mean "good"? 98 00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:57,638 My point is, why make a dumb dice game 99 00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,840 when real baseball is happening right in front of you? 100 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:02,776 That's an ad for a dating service for Flat-Earthers. 101 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,279 Yes, but between the commercials is baseball. 102 00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:06,580 As the world changes, 103 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,849 it's the one thing that stays the same. 104 00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:10,751 It's been uniting fathers and sons 105 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:11,985 for a hundred years. 106 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,787 But you wouldn't understand, Steve. 107 00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,589 You don't even have a son. 108 00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,090 ANNOUNCER: And there's Commissioner Mahotz 109 00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:18,759 watching from his luxury box. 110 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,461 ANNOUNCER #2: He cannot be happy about tonight's 111 00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:21,762 record-low attendance. 112 00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,597 Just look at all those fathers 113 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:26,934 sitting next to empty seats where their sons should be. 114 00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:28,135 He's right. 115 00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:29,637 It's the sons' fault. 116 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,204 You're someone's son, Steve. 117 00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,106 Maybe you can tell me why our Little League field 118 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:34,308 was turned into a dog park. 119 00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:35,609 That was actually a measure 120 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,044 presented to the voters last -- 121 00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:40,047 And I voted yes! The dogs need a place to go! 122 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:42,149 (sighs) 123 00:04:42,249 --> 00:04:43,684 -Git! Git! -What's happening? 124 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,719 One minute till Sex Hospital starts! 125 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,220 Quick! Set everything up! 126 00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,822 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hurry! 127 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:56,364 (sultry jazz plays) 128 00:04:56,464 --> 00:05:03,303 ♪♪ 129 00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,339 The cancer patients are gonna freak out 130 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:06,907 when they realize Dr. Gudreaux 131 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,810 is actually Nurse Tammy wearing his face skin! 132 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,145 I love this show's twists. 133 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,181 I never see 'em coming! 134 00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:17,585 Hi, I'm Sex Hospital actor Jason Chapman. 135 00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,488 And in our biggest plot twist ever, 136 00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,255 we've been cancelled! 137 00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:25,025 Now enjoy this rerun of Maury already in progress. 138 00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:28,028 WOMAN: Help me, Maury! My daughter's a bitch! 139 00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:31,098 GIRL: Who's da bitch when you ate all the Otterpops?! 140 00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:34,101 How could you betray me, Sex Hospital?! 141 00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:35,503 Yaaah! 142 00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:36,937 Aaaaah! 143 00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:40,941 What will I do without my daily dose of drama?! 144 00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,377 Francine, what would you say if I told you 145 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:46,213 that I could provide you with soap-opera-caliber drama 146 00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:47,948 right here in your very own home? 147 00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,684 I'd say go get a broom and clean up all this shit. 148 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,686 And then do your thing! 149 00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,124 My dad's never gonna be proud of me, 150 00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,392 no matter what I do. 151 00:05:58,492 --> 00:05:59,960 My dad's not alive, 152 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:02,696 but my mom says he's super-disappointed 153 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,398 looking down at me from heaven. 154 00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,133 But I think he's super-disappointed 155 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,901 looking up at me from Hell. 156 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,471 (speaking Japanese) 157 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,239 This is all interesting, 158 00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:14,608 but how does it help me? 159 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,578 How does it help Barry get ahead? 160 00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:19,112 (crack!) 161 00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:24,418 Hey, kid! Throw it back! 162 00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:28,055 That's my ex-wife's house, and I can't be within 75 feet! 163 00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,389 WOMAN: Don't do it, kid! 164 00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:30,491 He's just gonna give the ball 165 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:31,992 to one of his whores! 166 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,393 I don't know if I can get it there, 167 00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,896 but here goes nothing. 168 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:41,735 ♪♪ 169 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:45,238 ♪♪ 170 00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:50,077 (slow-motion) Oh my God! 171 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,582 (panting) 172 00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:57,017 Barry, what is it, boy? Is there trouble? 173 00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,619 Mr. Smith... 174 00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:01,121 you gotta go to the baseball field... 175 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:02,422 and see Steve! 176 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,525 My son's on the diamond?! 177 00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,494 To the baseball field! 178 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,296 (indistinct talking) 179 00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,031 (neighs) 180 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,268 Steve? 181 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,505 Oh, my God! He's pitching! 182 00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:19,473 ♪♪ 183 00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:22,109 Oh, it's just a Steve-shaped adult 184 00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,511 with a beautiful face. 185 00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,012 STEVE: Dad! I'm right here! 186 00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:30,217 Son! You're technically part of baseball! 187 00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,986 That's my boy out there, calling balls and strikes! 188 00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:35,022 -My boy's out there, too. -Where? 189 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,190 (sighing) Somewhere. 190 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,660 He was kidnapped 30 years ago. 191 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,664 I can still feel it in my heart that he's alive, though. 192 00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,065 Sometimes you just got to take a break 193 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,066 from searching, you know? 194 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,068 Enjoy some baseball. 195 00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,203 Well, back to it. 196 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,745 ♪♪ 197 00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,847 Stee-rike three! 198 00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:01,148 Great call, son! 199 00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:03,150 Does he need to be sitting here? 200 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,818 In your dream version of this, 201 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:06,920 where does the umpire's dad sit? 202 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,089 -In the stands? -Eat shit. 203 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:10,691 Steve, I just have to know. 204 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,826 -How did you become an umpire? -Time out! 205 00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:15,529 I need to bring my dad up to speed. 206 00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,230 Here goes nothing... 207 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:21,034 ♪♪ 208 00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:24,738 ♪♪ 209 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,273 (cries) 210 00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:28,542 Oh, my God! 211 00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,243 What a nerd! 212 00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:34,214 (all gasp) 213 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,685 No! 214 00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:40,087 Now we can't finish our game! 215 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:43,256 Is there an umpire in the house?! 216 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,893 Steve, you learned all the baseball rules 217 00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,528 to make your D&D game, right? 218 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,632 Turns out, being an umpire 219 00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,734 is a lot like playing Dungeons & Dragons. 220 00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,803 You just keep the game moving along, 221 00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:59,573 and it doesn't hurt to be an amazing showman. 222 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,074 Play ball! 223 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:04,612 (John Fogerty's "Centerfield" plays) 224 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:07,648 Much like the light in my old lantern... 225 00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,583 (blows) you're out! 226 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:12,953 ♪♪ 227 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:16,289 Your quest around the bases has ended... 228 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:17,591 safely! 229 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:18,959 (all cheer) 230 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,460 ♪♪ 231 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,662 You're out! 232 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:24,231 ♪♪ 233 00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:26,233 ♪ Well, I beat the drum ♪ 234 00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:27,668 ♪ And hold the phone ♪ 235 00:09:27,768 --> 00:09:31,238 ♪ The sun came out today ♪ 236 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,006 Get your face out of that phone, Ian! 237 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:36,076 You have baseball legends David Ortiz and Ken Griffey Jr. 238 00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,645 at your birthday party! 239 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,613 Baseball's for old people, Dad. 240 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:42,182 They watch it while getting colonoscopies. 241 00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:44,284 STEVE: Like the body odor of a cyclops, 242 00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,687 I call that ball foul! 243 00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:49,623 Wait, you're watching baseball? 244 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,192 No, I'm watching this umpire kid. 245 00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,962 His video's been shared over a million times! 246 00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:56,864 He's exactly what I need 247 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,766 to get kids into baseball again. 248 00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:00,367 (crack!) 249 00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,804 David, I have a confession. 250 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,839 I'm not the real Ken Griffey Jr. 251 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,107 (Spanish accent) That's okay. 252 00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,376 I'm not the real David Ortiz. 253 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,178 Then we have a problem. 254 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,647 'Cause I am the real Ken Griffey Jr. 255 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,883 I wanted to lure you, and lure you I did. 256 00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,284 Now, listen up. 257 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:20,353 You pay me $3 million before close of day, 258 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,555 or the world will learn your secret. 259 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:23,991 ♪♪ 260 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:28,461 (soft music plays) 261 00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,330 Babe, is this your underwear? 262 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,833 Your enormous men's underwear 263 00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:35,302 with Tuttle's name written on the band?! 264 00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,704 Did you have sex with Tuttle? 265 00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:37,871 What's that now? 266 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,841 Dun, dun, duuuuun! 267 00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:43,343 Roger, this is no Sex Hospital. 268 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,544 No, it's better, 269 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,180 because I'm screwing with these people's lives for real! 270 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,882 Wait a minute. 271 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,651 I don't wear bras! Whose is this?! 272 00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,823 I gotta say, I don't even buy them as a couple. 273 00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:59,827 One's this macho alpha surging with testosterone, 274 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:01,561 and then there's Jeff. 275 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,564 Plus, there's no conflict. They're working it out. 276 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,500 ♪♪ 277 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,202 I'm gonna put a baby in you! 278 00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:10,237 ♪♪ 279 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,240 MAHOTZ: Nationals Stadium, Steve. 280 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,775 Kind of overwhelming. 281 00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:17,010 So take it in and get all the butterflies out 282 00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:19,046 before you umpire tonight. 283 00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:20,848 Oh, there's the new groundskeeper. 284 00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:22,282 I should give him the same speech. 285 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:25,618 Wow, my son, called up to the show! 286 00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:26,720 Just look around. 287 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,688 You can almost taste the history. 288 00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,359 Hmm. 289 00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:35,062 Notes of chewing tobacco, sunflower seeds, 290 00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:36,897 but very dirt-forward. 291 00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:40,033 This is definitely a dish where dirt is the star. 292 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,535 -Pretty cool, huh, Dad? -It is. 293 00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,537 You're part of a sacred tradition now, 294 00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,073 so dial back your tricks a little 295 00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:48,075 and let the game stand on its own. 296 00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,077 -You got it, Dad. -That's my boy. 297 00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,478 Now, if you'll excuse me, 298 00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:53,280 that dirt's got me feeling a little sick. 299 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,648 So I'm gonna go eat some of that outfield grass, 300 00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,584 settle the old stomach. 301 00:11:57,684 --> 00:12:01,121 Kid, more people saw your video than saw the game last night. 302 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:04,591 So tonight, I want you to go full Steve. 303 00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:05,893 Give the fans what they want! 304 00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:07,727 But my dad says I have to preserve 305 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,763 the traditions of this great game. 306 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:11,098 Well, maybe your dad's wrong. 307 00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:14,634 I mean, he is trying to eat AstroTurf. 308 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,970 (groaning) 309 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,439 Unless you've been living under a rock, 310 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,441 you've heard about Steve Smith. 311 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,276 The tiny teen's signature flair 312 00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:27,280 has made him the hottest umpire in baseball. 313 00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:31,018 However, some traditionalists don't like the way his calls 314 00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,853 are getting bigger and flashier. 315 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:37,357 But Smith's antics are putting kids' butts 316 00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,292 back-back-back-back-back back-back-back-back-back 317 00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:42,362 back-back-back-back-back-back- back-back-back-back-back-back- 318 00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:45,098 back-back-back-back-back-back- back-back-back in the seats! 319 00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,301 Stee-rike three! 320 00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:49,269 (parrot squawks) 321 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,437 (crowd cheers) 322 00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,873 BERMAN: Smith is revolutionizing the sport, 323 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,674 and some are even saying he could... 324 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,145 go...all...the...way... 325 00:12:58,245 --> 00:13:00,480 to the Hall of Fame... 326 00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:01,982 of Umpires... 327 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:03,450 at the Dallas Airport... 328 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,452 in a little room off the baggage claim... 329 00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,187 which is usually locked. 330 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,388 (door knob rattles) 331 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,690 That was my hand. 332 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,995 Francine, thank you for your notes. 333 00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:18,465 They got me thinking, "Wow, what terrible notes." 334 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:19,399 And now... 335 00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,701 a tidal wave of genius. 336 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,237 -(doorbell rings) -KLAUS: I'm coming! 337 00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,039 Are you... 338 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,040 Klaus? 339 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,209 Hell, yeah, baby. 340 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,744 But it looks like I'm a little late to the trough. 341 00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:35,048 What? No. This is your baby! 342 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,383 Impossible! 343 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:37,985 I mean, it's possible 344 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:39,552 because I'm constantly banging chicks, 345 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,889 but not for the last couple 5, 10 years! 346 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,357 Yes, but you donate sperm, 347 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:45,893 and I was in a car accident 348 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,061 with a truck that was delivering it! 349 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,898 Dun, dun, duuuuun! 350 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:54,234 KLAUS: My God, I'm going to be a dad! 351 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,104 Oh, now you're ready to be a dad! 352 00:13:57,204 --> 00:14:00,373 Where were you 38 years ago?! 353 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:03,576 -What? -You gave me up for adoption, 354 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,078 according to these papers 355 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,547 that were anonymously mailed to me! 356 00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,582 This is insane! 357 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,084 MAN: You know what else is insane? 358 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,220 You have only one week left to live. 359 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,854 I found out when these test results 360 00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,590 were tied to a rock and thrown through my window. 361 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:18,926 -(gasps) -(both gasp) 362 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,461 -Meh. -"Meh"?! 363 00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:23,964 These characters aren't believable! 364 00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,699 I mean, the fish? He talks? How? 365 00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,035 And apparently, 366 00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:30,537 he doesn't even have to be in water. 367 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,239 Just, like, touching it? 368 00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:34,607 That's not how fish work! 369 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:38,578 (organ plays "Charge!") 370 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,248 (crowd cheers) 371 00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:44,717 Steve, what the heck? 372 00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,454 Since when is riding players around the bases traditional? 373 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,455 Don't worry, dad. 374 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,957 Your favorite part's coming up -- 375 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:52,559 the seventh-inning stretch! 376 00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,794 At least some things haven't changed. 377 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,663 Take me there, Ernie. 378 00:14:56,763 --> 00:15:01,601 ♪ Oh, take me out to the ball game ♪ 379 00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,270 Remix! 380 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,072 ♪ T-T-T-T-T-Take me out to the ♪ 381 00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:06,739 ♪ Take me out to the, take me out to the ♪ 382 00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,141 ♪ Ball game ♪ 383 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,843 (electronic music plays) 384 00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:13,846 (crowd cheers) 385 00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:15,848 Stop! You're ruining everything! 386 00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,684 This isn't baseball anymore! 387 00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:19,852 Baseball was on life support! 388 00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:22,622 Its family members were gathered at the hospital. 389 00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,457 It was peeing into a bag. 390 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,793 Orderlies were stealing its valuables. 391 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,495 Steve, our live-stream ratings 392 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:29,796 are through the roof! 393 00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:31,198 I'm promoting you 394 00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:33,600 to deputy commissioner of game development. 395 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,302 But that'll put him in charge of rule changes, 396 00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:36,803 and he's wrecking everything! 397 00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,472 I was thinking it would be kind of cool 398 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,141 if the pitcher used a crossbow 399 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:42,675 to shoot the ball at the batter. 400 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,012 Genius! But what about the batters? 401 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,813 Wouldn't that be a little unfair to them? 402 00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,481 Who cares about the batters?! 403 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:49,816 They'll be on horseback! 404 00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:51,951 Horses! Yes! 405 00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,453 But what kind of horse? 406 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:55,955 Like a Doberman pinscher? Or a big-ass bobcat? 407 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,391 Do you... know what a horse is? 408 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,328 Of course I do. I'm Commissioner Mahotz. 409 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:04,331 I know all the animals! 410 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,735 ♪♪ 411 00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,638 Now that I'm not trying to make my dad proud anymore, 412 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,241 I'm doing baseball the Steve way. 413 00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:15,642 I like what you're doing here. 414 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,544 This whole Steve thing -- I love it. 415 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,412 -First, some rule changes. -COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Yes. 416 00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:22,049 I'm replacing the ball with a 20-sided die. 417 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,316 -COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Mm. -STEVE: After it's hit, 418 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,018 whatever number the die lands on 419 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,919 -determines the outcome of the play. -COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Love it! 420 00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,156 STEVE: Runners must do battle with Samurai warriors... 421 00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:30,090 COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Yep. Love it! 422 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,058 STEVE: ...to get from base to base. 423 00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,059 COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: That's so good! 424 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:33,560 -STEVE: And there's a moat. -COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Now we're talking! 425 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:35,028 STEVE: Filled with piranhas surrounding home plate! 426 00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:36,029 COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Yes! 427 00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,364 That settles it! 428 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,166 We're premiering your new version of baseball 429 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:42,269 tomorrow night at Game 1 of the World Series! 430 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,037 Except we're now calling it 431 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:47,740 Lemony Snicket's World Series of Unfortunate Events. 432 00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:49,942 Love it! 433 00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,445 ♪♪ 434 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:53,546 Damn it, couch! 435 00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:55,215 First, I find you upstairs. 436 00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:56,716 Now you're on the staircase. 437 00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,418 Think you're too good for the living room?! 438 00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,886 It's good enough for TV! 439 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:02,289 It's good enough for coffee table! 440 00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,724 (sobbing) Oh, God, I -- I'm sorry, couch! 441 00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:07,427 I'm mad at Steve, and I'm taking it out on you! 442 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,461 Ohh! 443 00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,463 Oh, my God. Stan, what's wrong? 444 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:13,766 Your son killed the game I love most 445 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,402 in the wuh-huh-horld! 446 00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:16,469 Oh, honey. 447 00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:18,071 Let's talk about this. 448 00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:20,073 Francine, what are you doing?! This is low-stakes bullshit. 449 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,275 There's real scripted drama outside. 450 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,377 Francine, I bristled at your notes 451 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:25,745 because I'm an artist. 452 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:29,116 But the audience, as unenlightened as she may be, 453 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,250 is always right. 454 00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:32,452 So now I present to you... 455 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,454 drama perfected. 456 00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,456 I've been poisoned! 457 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:37,824 Could it have been that sandwich 458 00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:40,127 that was shoved through my mail slot?! 459 00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:41,294 FBI! 460 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,429 We found your underwear 461 00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,164 in the vault at the robbed bank! 462 00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,465 The robbed bank? 463 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,966 How do you know about the robbed bank? 464 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,568 We kept that out of the press! 465 00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,170 (gunshots) 466 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:51,238 MAN: Ooh! 467 00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:53,940 ♪♪ 468 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,310 (chirping) 469 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,511 Killer stuff, right? 470 00:17:58,611 --> 00:17:59,946 I-I don't know. 471 00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:02,982 I-I guess I just saw all this stuff coming. 472 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:03,950 (tires screech) 473 00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:05,852 Freeze, mister! Hands in the air! 474 00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:08,121 Ooh! This is a fun twist! 475 00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,956 No! No! No! This wasn't part of it! 476 00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:12,159 You're under arrest for sandwich poisoning, 477 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:15,162 bluebird seduction, and sperm truck sabotage! 478 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:17,530 I can explain! I'm an artist! 479 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,299 Merely a humble genius! 480 00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,301 Bravo, Roger! 481 00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,170 I'm not going back to prison! 482 00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:24,837 (grunts) 483 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,005 (tires screech) 484 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,341 (crash!) 485 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,177 Another semen truck? 486 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,444 What's going on in this town? 487 00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:32,945 Are we on a shipping route? 488 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,315 (horns blare) 489 00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:38,951 (crowd cheers) 490 00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:44,056 ♪♪ 491 00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,792 I was wrong before. 492 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,860 This is my masterpiece. 493 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,329 Sorry, kid. I wasn't there before. 494 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,564 You called something else your masterpiece? 495 00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:52,832 -That what happened? -Basically, yeah. 496 00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,334 That's the gist. 497 00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,038 (crowd cheers) 498 00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:03,810 He rolled a 12! 499 00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,378 Release the lion! 500 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,846 (crowd cheers) 501 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,147 (lion growls) 502 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:09,482 ANNOUNCER: Release the Lion, 503 00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:11,918 brought to you by Big League Chew! 504 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:16,055 What'll you be chewin' when the lion's chewin' on you? 505 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,024 It's a packed house, kid. 506 00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:21,861 Generations of fans, bonding over your game! 507 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,235 I guess you don't totally suck. 508 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:32,205 I've brought all these fathers and sons together... 509 00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:34,106 but I've lost my own dad. 510 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:35,442 ♪♪ 511 00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:38,911 No! He -- He came! Dad! Up here! 512 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,414 ♪♪ 513 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:42,415 Oh. 514 00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:45,618 It's just a dad-shaped man with the face of an angel. 515 00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:47,287 I want my daddy! 516 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,390 Dad?! Are you home?! 517 00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:53,125 (rattling) 518 00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:55,228 Runner steals second. 519 00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:57,397 You're playing my game. 520 00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,966 It's the only decent version of baseball left. 521 00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:02,134 Dad, I'm sorry I ruined your game. 522 00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:03,803 Yeah, well... 523 00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:06,273 I'm sorry I crapped all over your game. 524 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,741 You actually did a great job. 525 00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:10,410 What dice do I roll to slide? 526 00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,612 Oh, you just use your imagination. 527 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:13,713 Huh. 528 00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:16,483 (groans) 529 00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,084 Help me, Steve! It's not working! 530 00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:21,821 You slide safely into second, just under the tag. 531 00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,290 (gasps) Whoa! 532 00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:24,957 Now I'm gonna try to steal third! 533 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:29,061 You gallantly stride toward third base. 534 00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,331 But, alas, you are thrown out. 535 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:32,599 Wow! 536 00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:36,336 It's just like I wasn't able to imagine. 537 00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:38,771 I wonder what's happening in the real game. 538 00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:39,939 (helicopter blades whirring, indistinct screaming ) 539 00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,941 ANNOUNCER: Folks, you're watching 540 00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:44,243 the greatest tragedy in sports history! 541 00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:45,945 Ohp, it sounds like attack monkeys 542 00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:47,914 are clawing at my door. 543 00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:50,283 In these, the last moments of my life, 544 00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:53,786 I'd like to do the on-air ad for Meineke. 545 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:56,255 -Has your muffler been giving you guff? -MAN: (screams) 546 00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,358 -(crash) -ANNOUNCER: No, monkey! 547 00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:02,128 (monkey chitters) 548 00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:04,130 Buh-bye! See you soon!