STEVE: Beware! For evil lurks within these woods!
I, your Pixie guide, welcome you, brave travelers,
Snotly Goldweaver,
Toshitus Wolfsbane,
Drew of Barrymore.
You must save the fair maiden from peril.
Oh, no!
Is peril like danger?!
Yes!
We've discussed this.
And it comes in the form
of a red lightning storm from the warlocks.
(warbling)
A home intruder.
You outrun the storm on your noble steeds.
(clacking)
And he's on horseback!
I always knew I'd have to kill a horse.
To the west, you hear a fair goblin maiden.
(harshly) Help!
I'm imprisoned in an evil warlock's
Tower of Despair!
Save me!
Oh, my God, goblin chicks get me so hot.
What's going on down here?
(normal voice) Oh, hello, traveler!
Welcome to The Dark Kingdom of Smithurnia!
Pretty awesome, huh?
It's my Dungeons & Dragons masterpiece.
Steve, why do you make it so hard to love you?
I'll have you know, Mr. Smith,
your son is the best dungeon master around.
He brings the game to life by acting out every part!
You flatter me, Snotly!
Dude, she is into you!
Why don't you play with us, dad?
It's a really fun game.
This -- This is not a game.
Baseball is a game.
And I'm trying to watch it upstairs.
Baseball's still around?
Is baseball the one with all the footballs?
Steve, Yoshi, Barney, Slimer,
just keep it quiet down here, okay?
(sighs)
So, how 'bout that goblin maiden?
Is she still... hot to trot?
No.
She's become too crestfallen for love.
Well, does she have a sister?
Yeah, she does, and she's even hotter.
But she has a latex allergy.
Do her anyway!
Pump and pray, bro!
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪
♪♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
-♪ Good -- ♪ -♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
(organ plays "Charge!")
ANNOUNCER: Time for the seventh-inning stretch
with Old Timey Ernie.
♪ Oh! Take me out to the ball game ♪
♪ Take me out with the crowd ♪
-Dad? -Shh.
I'm observing my favorite baseball tradition.
"Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
is basically my favorite song by Albert Von Tilzer,
right behind "I'm the Lonesomest Gal in Town,"
"Oh, How She Could Yakky Hacky Wicky Wacky Woo,"
"Honeyboy," "Chili Bean,"
"Put On Your Slippers and Fill Up Your Pipe,"
"Au Revoir, But Not Goodbye, Soldier Boy,"
and "My Cutie's Due at Two to Two."
♪ For it's one, two, three strikes you're out ♪
♪ At the old ball game ♪
Okay. Now you may bother me.
Check it out, Dad.
I made a Dungeons & Dragons style baseball game!
Your favorite game and my favorite game combined!
Into...
our favorite game?
-Never. -Come on, Dad!
Y-Your character is Bill the Shortstop!
He has max ratings in wisdom and turning double plays.
Just roll the die!
First, I'm going to roll my eyes.
You rolled an 18, so that's a sacrifice bunt!
Cool, huh?
It's the exact opposite of cool.
So...hot?
Damn it! Why does every temperature mean "good"?
My point is, why make a dumb dice game
when real baseball is happening right in front of you?
That's an ad for a dating service for Flat-Earthers.
Yes, but between the commercials is baseball.
As the world changes,
it's the one thing that stays the same.
It's been uniting fathers and sons
for a hundred years.
But you wouldn't understand, Steve.
You don't even have a son.
ANNOUNCER: And there's Commissioner Mahotz
watching from his luxury box.
ANNOUNCER #2: He cannot be happy about tonight's
record-low attendance.
Just look at all those fathers
sitting next to empty seats where their sons should be.
He's right.
It's the sons' fault.
You're someone's son, Steve.
Maybe you can tell me why our Little League field
was turned into a dog park.
That was actually a measure
presented to the voters last --
And I voted yes! The dogs need a place to go!
(sighs)
-Git! Git! -What's happening?
One minute till Sex Hospital starts!
Quick! Set everything up!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hurry!
(sultry jazz plays)
♪♪
The cancer patients are gonna freak out
when they realize Dr. Gudreaux
is actually Nurse Tammy wearing his face skin!
I love this show's twists.
I never see 'em coming!
Hi, I'm Sex Hospital actor Jason Chapman.
And in our biggest plot twist ever,
we've been cancelled!
Now enjoy this rerun of Maury already in progress.
WOMAN: Help me, Maury! My daughter's a bitch!
GIRL: Who's da bitch when you ate all the Otterpops?!
How could you betray me, Sex Hospital?!
Yaaah!
Aaaaah!
What will I do without my daily dose of drama?!
Francine, what would you say if I told you
that I could provide you with soap-opera-caliber drama
right here in your very own home?
I'd say go get a broom and clean up all this shit.
And then do your thing!
My dad's never gonna be proud of me,
no matter what I do.
My dad's not alive,
but my mom says he's super-disappointed
looking down at me from heaven.
But I think he's super-disappointed
looking up at me from Hell.
(speaking Japanese)
This is all interesting,
but how does it help me?
How does it help Barry get ahead?
(crack!)
Hey, kid! Throw it back!
That's my ex-wife's house, and I can't be within 75 feet!
WOMAN: Don't do it, kid!
He's just gonna give the ball
to one of his whores!
I don't know if I can get it there,
but here goes nothing.
♪♪
(slow-motion) Oh my God!
(panting)
Barry, what is it, boy? Is there trouble?
Mr. Smith...
you gotta go to the baseball field...
and see Steve!
My son's on the diamond?!
To the baseball field!
(indistinct talking)
(neighs)
Steve?
Oh, my God! He's pitching!
♪♪
Oh, it's just a Steve-shaped adult
with a beautiful face.
STEVE: Dad! I'm right here!
Son! You're technically part of baseball!
That's my boy out there, calling balls and strikes!
-My boy's out there, too. -Where?
(sighing) Somewhere.
He was kidnapped 30 years ago.
I can still feel it in my heart that he's alive, though.
Sometimes you just got to take a break
from searching, you know?
Enjoy some baseball.
Well, back to it.
♪♪
Stee-rike three!
Great call, son!
Does he need to be sitting here?
In your dream version of this,
where does the umpire's dad sit?
-In the stands? -Eat shit.
Steve, I just have to know.
-How did you become an umpire? -Time out!
I need to bring my dad up to speed.
Here goes nothing...
♪♪
(cries)
Oh, my God!
What a nerd!
(all gasp)
No!
Now we can't finish our game!
Is there an umpire in the house?!
Steve, you learned all the baseball rules
to make your D&D game, right?
Turns out, being an umpire
is a lot like playing Dungeons & Dragons.
You just keep the game moving along,
and it doesn't hurt to be an amazing showman.
Play ball!
(John Fogerty's "Centerfield" plays)
Much like the light in my old lantern...
(blows) you're out!
♪♪
Your quest around the bases has ended...
safely!
(all cheer)
♪♪
You're out!
♪♪
♪ Well, I beat the drum ♪
♪ And hold the phone ♪
♪ The sun came out today ♪
Get your face out of that phone, Ian!
You have baseball legends David Ortiz and Ken Griffey Jr.
at your birthday party!
Baseball's for old people, Dad.
They watch it while getting colonoscopies.
STEVE: Like the body odor of a cyclops,
I call that ball foul!
Wait, you're watching baseball?
No, I'm watching this umpire kid.
His video's been shared over a million times!
He's exactly what I need
to get kids into baseball again.
(crack!)
David, I have a confession.
I'm not the real Ken Griffey Jr.
(Spanish accent) That's okay.
I'm not the real David Ortiz.
Then we have a problem.
'Cause I am the real Ken Griffey Jr.
I wanted to lure you, and lure you I did.
Now, listen up.
You pay me $3 million before close of day,
or the world will learn your secret.
♪♪
(soft music plays)
Babe, is this your underwear?
Your enormous men's underwear
with Tuttle's name written on the band?!
Did you have sex with Tuttle?
What's that now?
Dun, dun, duuuuun!
Roger, this is no Sex Hospital.
No, it's better,
because I'm screwing with these people's lives for real!
Wait a minute.
I don't wear bras! Whose is this?!
I gotta say, I don't even buy them as a couple.
One's this macho alpha surging with testosterone,
and then there's Jeff.
Plus, there's no conflict. They're working it out.
♪♪
I'm gonna put a baby in you!
♪♪
MAHOTZ: Nationals Stadium, Steve.
Kind of overwhelming.
So take it in and get all the butterflies out
before you umpire tonight.
Oh, there's the new groundskeeper.
I should give him the same speech.
Wow, my son, called up to the show!
Just look around.
You can almost taste the history.
Hmm.
Notes of chewing tobacco, sunflower seeds,
but very dirt-forward.
This is definitely a dish where dirt is the star.
-Pretty cool, huh, Dad? -It is.
You're part of a sacred tradition now,
so dial back your tricks a little
and let the game stand on its own.
-You got it, Dad. -That's my boy.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
that dirt's got me feeling a little sick.
So I'm gonna go eat some of that outfield grass,
settle the old stomach.
Kid, more people saw your video than saw the game last night.
So tonight, I want you to go full Steve.
Give the fans what they want!
But my dad says I have to preserve
the traditions of this great game.
Well, maybe your dad's wrong.
I mean, he is trying to eat AstroTurf.
(groaning)
Unless you've been living under a rock,
you've heard about Steve Smith.
The tiny teen's signature flair
has made him the hottest umpire in baseball.
However, some traditionalists don't like the way his calls
are getting bigger and flashier.
But Smith's antics are putting kids' butts
back-back-back-back-back back-back-back-back-back
back-back-back-back-back-back- back-back-back-back-back-back-
back-back-back in the seats!
Stee-rike three!
(parrot squawks)
(crowd cheers)
BERMAN: Smith is revolutionizing the sport,
and some are even saying he could...
go...all...the...way...
to the Hall of Fame...
of Umpires...
at the Dallas Airport...
in a little room off the baggage claim...
which is usually locked.
(door knob rattles)
That was my hand.
Francine, thank you for your notes.
They got me thinking, "Wow, what terrible notes."
And now...
a tidal wave of genius.
-(doorbell rings) -KLAUS: I'm coming!
Are you...
Klaus?
Hell, yeah, baby.
But it looks like I'm a little late to the trough.
What? No. This is your baby!
Impossible!
I mean, it's possible
because I'm constantly banging chicks,
but not for the last couple 5, 10 years!
Yes, but you donate sperm,
and I was in a car accident
with a truck that was delivering it!
Dun, dun, duuuuun!
KLAUS: My God, I'm going to be a dad!
Oh, now you're ready to be a dad!
Where were you 38 years ago?!
-What? -You gave me up for adoption,
according to these papers
that were anonymously mailed to me!
This is insane!
MAN: You know what else is insane?
You have only one week left to live.
I found out when these test results
were tied to a rock and thrown through my window.
-(gasps) -(both gasp)
-Meh. -"Meh"?!
These characters aren't believable!
I mean, the fish? He talks? How?
And apparently,
he doesn't even have to be in water.
Just, like, touching it?
That's not how fish work!
(organ plays "Charge!")
(crowd cheers)
Steve, what the heck?
Since when is riding players around the bases traditional?
Don't worry, dad.
Your favorite part's coming up --
the seventh-inning stretch!
At least some things haven't changed.
Take me there, Ernie.
♪ Oh, take me out to the ball game ♪
Remix!
♪ T-T-T-T-T-Take me out to the ♪
♪ Take me out to the, take me out to the ♪
♪ Ball game ♪
(electronic music plays)
(crowd cheers)
Stop! You're ruining everything!
This isn't baseball anymore!
Baseball was on life support!
Its family members were gathered at the hospital.
It was peeing into a bag.
Orderlies were stealing its valuables.
Steve, our live-stream ratings
are through the roof!
I'm promoting you
to deputy commissioner of game development.
But that'll put him in charge of rule changes,
and he's wrecking everything!
I was thinking it would be kind of cool
if the pitcher used a crossbow
to shoot the ball at the batter.
Genius! But what about the batters?
Wouldn't that be a little unfair to them?
Who cares about the batters?!
They'll be on horseback!
Horses! Yes!
But what kind of horse?
Like a Doberman pinscher? Or a big-ass bobcat?
Do you... know what a horse is?
Of course I do. I'm Commissioner Mahotz.
I know all the animals!
♪♪
Now that I'm not trying to make my dad proud anymore,
I'm doing baseball the Steve way.
I like what you're doing here.
This whole Steve thing -- I love it.
-First, some rule changes. -COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Yes.
I'm replacing the ball with a 20-sided die.
-COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Mm. -STEVE: After it's hit,
whatever number the die lands on
-determines the outcome of the play. -COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Love it!
STEVE: Runners must do battle with Samurai warriors...
COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Yep. Love it!
STEVE: ...to get from base to base.
COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: That's so good!
-STEVE: And there's a moat. -COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Now we're talking!
STEVE: Filled with piranhas surrounding home plate!
COMMISSIONER MAHOTZ: Yes!
That settles it!
We're premiering your new version of baseball
tomorrow night at Game 1 of the World Series!
Except we're now calling it
Lemony Snicket's World Series of Unfortunate Events.
Love it!
♪♪
Damn it, couch!
First, I find you upstairs.
Now you're on the staircase.
Think you're too good for the living room?!
It's good enough for TV!
It's good enough for coffee table!
(sobbing) Oh, God, I -- I'm sorry, couch!
I'm mad at Steve, and I'm taking it out on you!
Ohh!
Oh, my God. Stan, what's wrong?
Your son killed the game I love most
in the wuh-huh-horld!
Oh, honey.
Let's talk about this.
Francine, what are you doing?! This is low-stakes bullshit.
There's real scripted drama outside.
Francine, I bristled at your notes
because I'm an artist.
But the audience, as unenlightened as she may be,
is always right.
So now I present to you...
drama perfected.
I've been poisoned!
Could it have been that sandwich
that was shoved through my mail slot?!
FBI!
We found your underwear
in the vault at the robbed bank!
The robbed bank?
How do you know about the robbed bank?
We kept that out of the press!
(gunshots)
MAN: Ooh!
♪♪
(chirping)
Killer stuff, right?
I-I don't know.
I-I guess I just saw all this stuff coming.
(tires screech)
Freeze, mister! Hands in the air!
Ooh! This is a fun twist!
No! No! No! This wasn't part of it!
You're under arrest for sandwich poisoning,
bluebird seduction, and sperm truck sabotage!
I can explain! I'm an artist!
Merely a humble genius!
Bravo, Roger!
I'm not going back to prison!
(grunts)
(tires screech)
(crash!)
Another semen truck?
What's going on in this town?
Are we on a shipping route?
(horns blare)
(crowd cheers)
♪♪
I was wrong before.
This is my masterpiece.
Sorry, kid. I wasn't there before.
You called something else your masterpiece?
-That what happened? -Basically, yeah.
That's the gist.
(crowd cheers)
He rolled a 12!
Release the lion!
(crowd cheers)
(lion growls)
ANNOUNCER: Release the Lion,
brought to you by Big League Chew!
What'll you be chewin' when the lion's chewin' on you?
It's a packed house, kid.
Generations of fans, bonding over your game!
I guess you don't totally suck.
I've brought all these fathers and sons together...
but I've lost my own dad.
♪♪
No! He -- He came! Dad! Up here!
♪♪
Oh.
It's just a dad-shaped man with the face of an angel.
I want my daddy!
Dad?! Are you home?!
(rattling)
Runner steals second.
You're playing my game.
It's the only decent version of baseball left.
Dad, I'm sorry I ruined your game.
Yeah, well...
I'm sorry I crapped all over your game.
You actually did a great job.
What dice do I roll to slide?
Oh, you just use your imagination.
Huh.
(groans)
Help me, Steve! It's not working!
You slide safely into second, just under the tag.
(gasps) Whoa!
Now I'm gonna try to steal third!
You gallantly stride toward third base.
But, alas, you are thrown out.
Wow!
It's just like I wasn't able to imagine.
I wonder what's happening in the real game.
(helicopter blades whirring, indistinct screaming )
ANNOUNCER: Folks, you're watching
the greatest tragedy in sports history!
Ohp, it sounds like attack monkeys
are clawing at my door.
In these, the last moments of my life,
I'd like to do the on-air ad for Meineke.
-Has your muffler been giving you guff? -MAN: (screams)
-(crash) -ANNOUNCER: No, monkey!
(monkey chitters)
Buh-bye! See you soon!