1 00:00:01,218 --> 00:00:04,134 [static on TV] 2 00:00:05,962 --> 00:00:08,269 GREG: We interrupt this static with breaking news. 3 00:00:08,269 --> 00:00:09,966 [all groan] 4 00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:12,577 Langley's arena football team, the Bazooka Sharks, 5 00:00:12,577 --> 00:00:14,840 have announced they are leaving Langley Falls. 6 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,103 - [all gasp] - KLAUS: No. 7 00:00:16,103 --> 00:00:18,757 I poured so much love into the Sharks. 8 00:00:18,757 --> 00:00:19,845 What will I do now? 9 00:00:19,845 --> 00:00:21,978 No, no, no! 10 00:00:21,978 --> 00:00:23,675 We must do something! 11 00:00:23,675 --> 00:00:25,416 We must write a rap! 12 00:00:25,416 --> 00:00:27,027 Outta my way, babe. 13 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,986 I gotta write a rap to save the Bazooka Sharks! 14 00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:31,422 Cool beans, babe. 15 00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:33,859 I'm off to class. See you dick-a-licks later. 16 00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:35,948 Wait a minute, why are you so happy? 17 00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:38,255 - You hate school. - I used to, 18 00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:41,084 but I have this new creative writing professor, 19 00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:43,652 and he is so inspiring. 20 00:00:43,652 --> 00:00:46,220 It's like he lit a fire inside me. 21 00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:48,483 - They're banging, right? - For sure. 22 00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:50,833 That, or it's Roger. 23 00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:53,488 [grunts] 24 00:00:53,488 --> 00:00:56,926 Well, I'm off to shape the soft clay minds of our youth. 25 00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:58,145 Told you it was Roger. 26 00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,669 I'll see you in class, Hayley. 27 00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:03,585 Your inspiring professor is Roger? 28 00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:04,934 Are you serious? 29 00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:06,414 I was skeptical, too, 30 00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,938 but there's something different about this persona. 31 00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:11,419 He's passionate and engaged. 32 00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:12,724 You know, it sounds crazy, 33 00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,509 but I think Roger is his best self 34 00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,598 when he's Professor Longbottom. 35 00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:18,121 Hey, is Mom okay? 36 00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:22,212 She's just bugging out because the Sharks are leaving town. 37 00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:23,605 Oh, wait. I think her twitch 38 00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:25,781 is saying something in Morse code. 39 00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:27,870 Never... 40 00:01:27,870 --> 00:01:29,741 gonna... 41 00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:30,916 give you up? 42 00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:33,093 ♪ Never gonna give you up ♪ 43 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,617 -♪ Never gonna let you down ♪ - [all groan] 44 00:01:35,617 --> 00:01:38,141 [patriotic music plays] 45 00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:40,883 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 46 00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:44,713 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day♪ 47 00:01:44,713 --> 00:01:47,846 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face♪ 48 00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:52,112 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race♪ 49 00:01:54,026 --> 00:01:58,161 -♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ - [bicycle bell dings] 50 00:01:58,161 --> 00:02:00,163 I can't make you crash today, Stan. 51 00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:03,471 - I've got class. - [bicycle bell dings] 52 00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:05,125 STAN: Football, huh? 53 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,692 Well, I was only going to work to hit the flagpole. 54 00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:11,131 [tires squeal] 55 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:14,873 Does anyone know why we're having class outside today? 56 00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:16,875 What does every classroom have? 57 00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:18,181 - Desks? - A pet hamster? 58 00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:20,270 Posters of Abraham Lincoln? 59 00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:23,273 Correct. But also completely wrong. 60 00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:26,363 The correct answer I'm looking for is "walls." 61 00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:28,365 TOGETHER: Ah. 62 00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:29,714 I hate walls. 63 00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,847 Walls are the physical manifestation 64 00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:34,197 of the walls we put up inside our minds 65 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,591 that stop us from becoming writers. 66 00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,375 Me? "Writers"? 67 00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:40,986 I'd like to talk today about Old Faithful, 68 00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:42,684 the geyser in Wyoming. 69 00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:45,513 Old Faithful fills with boiling water. 70 00:02:45,513 --> 00:02:49,169 The same way your mind fills with ideas for writing. 71 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:52,694 Like Old Faithful, you have to erupt onto the page. 72 00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:54,043 Speaking of erupting, 73 00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:56,698 Hayley Smith is getting her short story published 74 00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:58,439 in Groff's literary zine. 75 00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:00,223 I got into Soul Puddles? 76 00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:03,226 Yes. Your piece, An Alien in My Attic, 77 00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,706 will be out Friday. 78 00:03:04,706 --> 00:03:06,403 An irresponsible story to write, 79 00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,623 but I am very, very proud of you. 80 00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:11,495 Damn, Professor L-B loves you. 81 00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:14,455 I can't get over what a good teacher you are. 82 00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:17,022 And I can't get over the fact that I'm riding a bike 83 00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:18,894 this speed and not falling over. 84 00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:20,852 You walk slow. 85 00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:22,506 Dad? What are you doing here? 86 00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:25,205 I found something to replace the Bazooka Sharks. 87 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,511 I'm a Groff football booster now. 88 00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:30,035 Hey, we're all doing Groff stuff. That's great. 89 00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:32,386 It would be, except the team hasn't won a game 90 00:03:32,386 --> 00:03:33,517 in three years. 91 00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:35,476 We need a new offensive line. 92 00:03:35,476 --> 00:03:38,870 Hey, isn't Steve always hanging around with a big boy? 93 00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:40,002 I gotta go. 94 00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:42,047 Stan in a polo shirt. 95 00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:45,486 His gut sticks out, but his arms look like pythons. 96 00:03:45,486 --> 00:03:48,402 Break some off for me. 97 00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:50,360 Not that I would. He's family. 98 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,014 [groans] 99 00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:57,193 Roger, I want to say thank you. 100 00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:59,369 Your inspiration gave me the courage 101 00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:00,675 to write that story. 102 00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:02,938 I just did what any great professor does-- 103 00:04:02,938 --> 00:04:05,506 nurse a red-wine hangover while pretending to care 104 00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:08,073 about whatever my hottest student was talking about. 105 00:04:08,073 --> 00:04:09,161 Not you, obviously. 106 00:04:09,161 --> 00:04:11,120 You're family. 107 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,515 "Old Faithful: a novel by Dickens Longbottom." 108 00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:15,907 You're writing a novel? 109 00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:18,345 It's nothing, just your basic sci-fi noir 110 00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:21,043 with elements of dark fantasy and staged realism, 111 00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,392 centered around Old Faithful. 112 00:04:22,392 --> 00:04:24,438 - Can I read it? - Not till it's finished. 113 00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:26,440 I'm having trouble with the ending. 114 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,658 And middle. 115 00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:29,312 The beginning has been pretty elusive. 116 00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:30,618 Writing is hard. 117 00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:33,055 Well, maybe I can be your writing buddy, 118 00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,448 help keep you on task. 119 00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:37,320 Support your writing the way you supported mine. 120 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,801 I was incredibly helpful to you. 121 00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:41,933 Okay, let's meet tomorrow at the coffee shop. 122 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,370 I like to write in public 123 00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,589 so other people can see that I'm writing. 124 00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:48,331 It's a very important part of my process. 125 00:04:48,331 --> 00:04:51,465 [doorbell rings] 126 00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:52,814 Hey, Mr. Smith. 127 00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:54,598 Are you here to have sex with my parents? 128 00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,078 If that's what you want, Barry. 129 00:04:56,078 --> 00:04:58,733 Because from now on, you get everything you want. 130 00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:01,083 Because I'm recruiting you to play football 131 00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:02,737 at Groff Community College. 132 00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:04,391 I'm in ninth grade. 133 00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,088 And that's why community college 134 00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:07,655 is the perfect place for you. 135 00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:08,743 Let's go for a drive. 136 00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:09,831 We'll take your car. 137 00:05:09,831 --> 00:05:11,354 I don't have a car. 138 00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:14,226 Then whose keys to a seven-year-old SUV 139 00:05:14,226 --> 00:05:18,056 with 120,000 miles on it are these? 140 00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:20,276 You like prostitutes, Barry? 141 00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:25,542 Okay, Roger. Let's write that book. 142 00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:29,807 - What is it? - I-It's just 143 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:32,070 that table seems a lot better for writing. 144 00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:34,508 But that's the only other table with people at it. 145 00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:35,857 Must be writers, too. 146 00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:37,119 Show-offs. 147 00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:38,599 Wait, I think they're leaving. 148 00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:41,428 They're not leaving, but maybe soon. 149 00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:43,517 No rush. I'm a writer, too. 150 00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:48,435 They sure didn't like me flicking their ears like that. 151 00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:50,828 Okay, time to write. 152 00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:53,527 This computer feels a little small. 153 00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:55,790 Look at this behemoth. 154 00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,487 This is a computer. 155 00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,446 I'm ready. 156 00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:00,708 My chair is too low. 157 00:06:00,708 --> 00:06:01,970 Ugh. 158 00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:05,190 You got a really nice lap. 159 00:06:07,758 --> 00:06:10,979 I'm starting to think this computer might be too big. 160 00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:12,894 Roger, what's going on? 161 00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,765 Do you even want to finish this novel? 162 00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:15,810 Of course. 163 00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:17,072 But I'm afraid. 164 00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:19,291 What if it's not universally beloved? 165 00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:21,250 What if it's merely a cult classic? 166 00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:23,731 You have to power through that fear, dive in... 167 00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:25,994 - Dive on in. - ...and just write. 168 00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:27,082 You're right. 169 00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:28,953 Let's do this. 170 00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:31,521 [breathes deeply] 171 00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:39,442 Listen to me clacking away, Hayley. 172 00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:41,575 - I'm writing. - [marching band playing] 173 00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:44,273 I can't focus with this noise. What's happening? 174 00:06:44,273 --> 00:06:46,318 If anyone is wondering what's happening, 175 00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:47,755 the Dean is having a pep rally 176 00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:49,800 to announce a new football coach. 177 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,280 Whoo! 178 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,238 I mean, we gotta check that out. 179 00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:54,326 Do we? 180 00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:57,417 DEAN BARKOV: Welcome. I'm Dean Barkov. 181 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,635 [cheers and applause] 182 00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:00,594 Oh, yeah. 183 00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:03,031 That's a sick reaction. 184 00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:06,643 I'd like to introduce our new football coach. 185 00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:10,734 Please welcome Burton Grundy. 186 00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:13,128 Whoa. Burton Grundy? 187 00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:14,869 The god-fearing family man 188 00:07:14,869 --> 00:07:16,610 who treats his players with respect 189 00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:18,350 and wins wherever he goes. 190 00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:19,787 How do you know so much about... 191 00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:22,224 [sighs] This better not be you. 192 00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:24,226 Plus, check out this unique specific-- 193 00:07:24,226 --> 00:07:25,488 he never curses. 194 00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:26,620 Just go. 195 00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:28,186 [cheers and applause] 196 00:07:28,186 --> 00:07:31,494 I'd like to thank you for welcoming me to Groff. 197 00:07:31,494 --> 00:07:34,279 Me and my Christian wife have prayed for this day. 198 00:07:34,279 --> 00:07:37,587 And I promise you I will stop at Jiminy Glicking nothing 199 00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:39,241 to win a championship. 200 00:07:39,241 --> 00:07:42,113 [cheers and applause] 201 00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:44,507 I avoided COVID for three years. 202 00:07:44,507 --> 00:07:46,248 And now I've caught writer's block 203 00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:49,033 and football fever on the same day. 204 00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,513 [cellphone vibrates] 205 00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,167 Uhp, never mind. I have COVID. 206 00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:57,477 Hey, can I talk to you? 207 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,782 Sure, I can take a break 208 00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:00,697 from turning losers into champions. 209 00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:02,743 Roger, I'm worried that Coach Grundy 210 00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:05,615 is just a distraction to keep you from writing your book. 211 00:08:05,615 --> 00:08:08,531 Coach Grundy is not a distraction, Hayley. 212 00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:11,708 Listen, inside everyone there are two sides-- 213 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,449 a coach and a professor. 214 00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:17,409 Like an offense and a defense, they share the field, and... 215 00:08:17,409 --> 00:08:19,499 Honestly, I'm not sure where this analogy goes. 216 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,719 I'm too distracted by these super squeaky markers. 217 00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:25,287 So Professor Longbottom is still gonna buckle down 218 00:08:25,287 --> 00:08:26,723 - and write this thing? - [marker squeaking] 219 00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:29,770 He needs to share his unique voice with the world. 220 00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:32,599 Ye-e-e-e-s. 221 00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:33,991 Now, if you'll excuse me, 222 00:08:33,991 --> 00:08:36,907 I've got some young boys to turn into men. 223 00:08:36,907 --> 00:08:38,822 That sounds sexual, but in this case, this-- 224 00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:41,477 this one particular case, it's not. 225 00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:43,087 This field, 226 00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:46,047 this field is where you'll bleed with your brothers. 227 00:08:46,047 --> 00:08:49,224 - Did you say "bleed"? - I did. 228 00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:52,488 Barry, you may have also heard me say the word "brothers." 229 00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:54,272 That's because football is a family. 230 00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:56,274 I already have a family. 231 00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:58,146 Parents aren't a family, Barry. 232 00:08:58,146 --> 00:08:59,495 They're a distraction. 233 00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:01,062 Close your eyes. 234 00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:06,067 Imagine thousands, nay hundreds, of fans chanting your name. 235 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:11,376 Bar-ry! Bar-ry! Bar-ry! Bar-ry! 236 00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:13,161 You in, or what? 237 00:09:13,161 --> 00:09:15,380 Check it out, wheelie. 238 00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:19,080 Hey, it's been two weeks since your last writing session. 239 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,385 Yeah, football season has been 240 00:09:20,385 --> 00:09:22,170 making it tough to find time. 241 00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:23,345 Mainly because I'm going to 242 00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:24,868 a ton of the practices and games. 243 00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,478 Are you sure about this 244 00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:28,872 "professor and a coach inside all of us" theory? 245 00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:30,178 Never heard that one. 246 00:09:30,178 --> 00:09:31,919 But we're right by the coffee shop, 247 00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:34,617 the one place in the world where I'm able to write. 248 00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:36,445 Wanna stop in, bang out some pages? 249 00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:40,057 Sounds grrrrr--undy's Chophouse? 250 00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:42,407 What happened to the coffee shop? 251 00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:44,496 [bicycle bell dings] 252 00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:47,848 Any time I take a job in a new city, I open a Grundy's. 253 00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:49,371 It's a place for me to get plastered 254 00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:51,939 away from the prying eyes of my Christian wife. 255 00:09:51,939 --> 00:09:53,201 Plus, it's a great way to bilk 256 00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:55,464 a little extra money off any local rubes. 257 00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:57,422 KLAUS: Hayley! 258 00:09:57,422 --> 00:09:59,947 I didn't know you grubbed at Grundy's. 259 00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:02,079 I came here to help Professor Longbottom 260 00:10:02,079 --> 00:10:03,428 do some writing, but-- 261 00:10:03,428 --> 00:10:06,388 I told you not to take Roger seriously. 262 00:10:06,388 --> 00:10:09,086 Professor Longbottom is Roger's sensitive side, 263 00:10:09,086 --> 00:10:10,610 and it's real. 264 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,394 He's just manifesting Coach Grundy 265 00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:14,439 to protect himself from failing. 266 00:10:14,439 --> 00:10:15,789 I need to get rid of him. 267 00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:18,966 Listen, I've followed Grundy's entire career. 268 00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:20,924 If Longbottom is the best of Roger, 269 00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:24,058 Grundy is the absolute worst. 270 00:10:24,058 --> 00:10:27,801 Ooh, baby, I love how much you're not my wife. 271 00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:29,672 [laughs] 272 00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,587 He goes through a cycle. 273 00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:33,937 He comes to town, gets into some scandal, 274 00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:38,202 then steps away from football to "focus on family." 275 00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:40,030 It usually takes a couple seasons. 276 00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:42,685 Hmm, maybe I could speed up the process. 277 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:47,037 My actions have no consequences! 278 00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,561 [cheers and applause] 279 00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:51,868 [football players grunting] 280 00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:53,653 - [bone snaps] - [Barry screams] 281 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,306 Barry. 282 00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:57,308 [crying] 283 00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:58,701 You. 284 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,790 How would you like to play Groff football 285 00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,270 and have a family for life? 286 00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:03,750 Please. 287 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:06,143 Help Barry. 288 00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:08,668 What's your take on prostitutes? 289 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,148 One week following Coach Grundy around, 290 00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:14,108 and I've got enough dirt to take him down for good. 291 00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:17,720 Here, play this on the Jumbotron. 292 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,679 Hey. I'm talkin' to you. 293 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,723 [gasps] 294 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:23,726 [gasps] He was a balloon. 295 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,427 Groff Fans, you probably know me as Hayley Smith, 296 00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:31,516 recently published in Soul Puddles. 297 00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:34,432 - [crowd booing] - Thank you. 298 00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:36,826 But I'm not here to talk about my accomplishments. 299 00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:40,003 I'm here to show you the real Coach Grundy. 300 00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:42,223 This'll teach you to stop fumbling. 301 00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:43,790 - [hammer clangs, man screams] - [crowd gasps] 302 00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:45,487 Oh, shit, shit. 303 00:11:45,487 --> 00:11:47,576 That douchebag Dean Barkov is eating at table four. 304 00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:50,666 I'm gonna slap my schlong on his New York strip real quick. 305 00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:51,928 [pants unzip] 306 00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:53,408 - [thud] - [crowd gasps] 307 00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:54,757 Ecstasy for you. 308 00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:55,976 Ecstasy for you. 309 00:11:55,976 --> 00:11:57,455 Ecstasy for you. 310 00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,153 Lithium for you, Teri, you have problems. 311 00:11:59,153 --> 00:12:02,504 An-n-n-n-d... ecstasy and lithium for me. 312 00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:05,159 Now, who wants sex from a football coach? 313 00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:06,813 [crowd gasps] 314 00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:08,771 [sighs] 315 00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:13,080 Groff fans, since this video came out, 316 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,952 my family and I have been in constant prayer. 317 00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:18,868 And we've decided that I am going to step away from football 318 00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:21,653 to focus on what's important-- family. 319 00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:23,960 But don't worry. 320 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,788 I will be back... 321 00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:27,137 for the third quarter. 322 00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:28,660 Y'all have the Gatorade ready 323 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:31,751 'cause I'm winning this Jiminy Glickin' game. 324 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,318 [cheers and applause] 325 00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,369 Hayley, there you are. 326 00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:43,850 I want you to know I'm leaving the university. 327 00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:46,809 It's like the whole school is obsessed with football. 328 00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:48,071 Including me. 329 00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:49,725 I'll never finish my book. 330 00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:51,683 But the only thing stopping you is you. 331 00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:54,164 Like... like, literally, you. 332 00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:56,166 Roger, don't you see 333 00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:58,342 that Grundy is just a wall you're putting up 334 00:12:58,342 --> 00:13:00,823 between you and your fear of rejection? 335 00:13:00,823 --> 00:13:02,390 [as Ronald Reagan] Mr. Longbottom, 336 00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:04,522 tear down this wall. 337 00:13:04,522 --> 00:13:07,047 Terrible Reagan, Hayley. Absolutely brutal. 338 00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,005 But how am I supposed to finish my book? 339 00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:10,833 [normal voice] You're a writer. 340 00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:13,357 All you need is pen and paper. 341 00:13:13,357 --> 00:13:15,359 - And Adderall? - Of course, Adderall. 342 00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:17,361 [chuckles] You're not a magician. 343 00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:19,842 [Lemaitre's "Closer" plays] 344 00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:26,544 ♪ 345 00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:31,723 ♪ I feel the shadows hanging over♪ 346 00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:34,291 ♪ They're waiting to come closer♪ 347 00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:37,555 ♪ To come and take me away ♪ 348 00:13:37,555 --> 00:13:42,212 ♪ And I can feel my heart skip♪ 349 00:13:42,212 --> 00:13:44,736 ♪ Every time that I slip ♪ 350 00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:47,130 ♪ I wanna run away ♪ 351 00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:52,657 I'd like to thank you all for joining me 352 00:13:52,657 --> 00:13:54,703 to celebrate the release of my book. 353 00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:56,748 After spending years writing it, 354 00:13:56,748 --> 00:13:58,533 I feel fortunate to have gotten it 355 00:13:58,533 --> 00:14:00,883 published immediately upon completion. 356 00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:03,146 Luckily, I'm acquainted with famed publisher, 357 00:14:03,146 --> 00:14:05,366 Roger T. Publishing Persona. 358 00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:06,715 [cellphone chimes] 359 00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:09,674 First reviews are in. 360 00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:13,461 Is there a good way to interpret the phrase "literary abortion?" 361 00:14:13,461 --> 00:14:16,159 - It's just one review. - This is your fault. 362 00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:18,945 You made me expose myself to the whole world. 363 00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:21,295 Which is something I ordinarily enjoy doing. 364 00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:22,687 But not in this case. 365 00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,646 Not in this one particular case. 366 00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:27,214 [crying] 367 00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:32,175 Roger, it's been weeks. 368 00:14:32,175 --> 00:14:34,003 - Can I talk to Longbottom? - You can't. 369 00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:35,526 He's gone for good. 370 00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:36,832 You think he'd show his face 371 00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:38,660 after that embarrassment of a book? 372 00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,401 It wasn't even that many pages. 373 00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:42,664 Not like my book. It's half memoir, 374 00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:45,667 half chophouse recipe book, and half football playbook. 375 00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:46,973 This thing's heavy as [bleep] 376 00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:49,018 Just try and catch it. 377 00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:50,411 Hmm, nice hands. 378 00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:51,716 But could you do it over the middle 379 00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,414 with a linebacker bearing down on you, 380 00:14:53,414 --> 00:14:55,416 ready to take your head off? 381 00:14:55,416 --> 00:14:57,200 I bet you could. 382 00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,074 I'm worried about Roger. 383 00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:02,379 He hasn't been anybody 384 00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:04,816 but that stupid football coach for weeks. 385 00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:06,906 He said he was going full Grundy. 386 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,037 No other personas. 387 00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:09,647 Well, that's bad news. 388 00:15:09,647 --> 00:15:10,910 He came into my room this morning 389 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,173 and said I had to wake up for two-a-days 390 00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:15,305 and the only thing I wanna do twice a day 391 00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:16,785 is whack it, knahwadimeen? 392 00:15:16,785 --> 00:15:18,787 - Noice. - Ew. 393 00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:21,529 I mean, ewwww. 394 00:15:21,529 --> 00:15:23,096 This is my fault. 395 00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:25,359 I convinced Roger to take a risk. 396 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:26,969 He got hurt, and now he'll never 397 00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,797 let the good part of himself out again. 398 00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:30,364 You're crazy. 399 00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,757 He let the good part of himself out all over this book. 400 00:15:32,757 --> 00:15:34,150 Ooh. Old Faithful. 401 00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:36,022 This is my all-time favorite play. 402 00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,980 He has a play called Old Faithful? 403 00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,982 Klaus, look at this. 404 00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:42,463 The receiver runs out of bounds and onto the next page. 405 00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:46,206 A recipe for Wyoming-style potato skins. 406 00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:49,905 Do you think Longbottom's somewhere inside Roger, 407 00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:52,038 leaving clues, wanting us to find him? 408 00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,865 That's crazy, Hayley. 409 00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:55,084 But, devil's advocate, 410 00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:58,653 do you think this could be anything? 411 00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:01,786 Professor Longbottom is at Old Faithful. 412 00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:03,266 I'm not saying you're right, 413 00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:05,355 but if you are, I better come with you. 414 00:16:06,226 --> 00:16:07,879 ROGER: Chapter Six. 415 00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:11,840 We were down 21-7 to Lanceton, and we were cooked. 416 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,016 Just like my famous Grundy's Chophouse Wings, 417 00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:18,368 available in piles of 25, 75, or 175. 418 00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:20,631 Return the bones for discounted drinks. 419 00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:22,546 Please stop taking the bones home. 420 00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,026 HAYLEY: Roger, why is so much of Grundy's book 421 00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:25,375 about chicken bones? 422 00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:26,898 ROGER: They're buying the meat, not the bones. 423 00:16:26,898 --> 00:16:28,857 [brakes squeak] 424 00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:31,903 I, uh, need to run ahead because... 425 00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:33,296 I-I have to pee? 426 00:16:33,296 --> 00:16:34,645 Yes. Yes. Good enough. 427 00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:40,564 Hayley, my prized pupil. 428 00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:45,265 Roger, I came to bring the professor home. 429 00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:46,831 Why would you want to do that? 430 00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:50,313 Professor Longbottom is a passionate, inspiring soul. 431 00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:52,620 Grundy is just trying to hold you inside, 432 00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,535 but you need to burst out, like-- 433 00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:56,537 Old Faithful. 434 00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:59,192 [slow clap] 435 00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,411 You led me right to him. 436 00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:02,804 Wait, what's happening? 437 00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:04,588 I led you to... you? 438 00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:07,983 And now it's time for the ol' ether-cut-to-black. 439 00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:11,769 ♪ 440 00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:13,554 [screams] 441 00:17:13,554 --> 00:17:14,772 Oh, good, you're awake. 442 00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:16,252 Roger, what's going on? 443 00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:18,820 We're both gonna die when this geyser erupts. 444 00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:20,909 What? Why are you doing this? 445 00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:22,563 It's not me, it's Grundy. 446 00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:24,565 I'm Roger's vulnerable side. 447 00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:27,263 As long as I exist, being all weak and shit, 448 00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:28,917 his feelings can get hurt. 449 00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,397 This is stupid. Klaus was right. 450 00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:32,094 You're a maniac. Untie me. 451 00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,575 I can't. I'm just as tied up as you. 452 00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:37,099 Grundy is at the cabin now. He's gonna burn it down 453 00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:40,842 along with all the many, many unsold copies of my book. 454 00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:42,104 I'll be erased forever. 455 00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:44,150 You're at the cabin right now? 456 00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:45,586 Hayley, you know what I mean. 457 00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:46,674 It's over. 458 00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:49,329 There's nothing we can do to stop him. 459 00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:51,766 Okay, I should get going. 460 00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:53,463 Don't leave me here alone. 461 00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:56,553 You're not alone. You're with the professor. 462 00:17:57,815 --> 00:18:00,035 'Sup, dude? 463 00:18:06,041 --> 00:18:07,956 "They called her Old Faithful. 464 00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:10,263 But me? I was young 465 00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:13,048 and couldn't be faithful for a second." 466 00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:15,094 Yikes. 467 00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:20,011 As soon as I sign this contract, 468 00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:22,666 the Bazooka Sharks will officially be moving to Ottawa. 469 00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:24,320 - [door slams open] - JEFF: Don't sign that paper. 470 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,976 Maybe you forgot, but I've been writing a rap. 471 00:18:27,976 --> 00:18:29,804 [cellphone beeps] 472 00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:34,809 ♪ 473 00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:37,159 ♪ Before you move the 'Zooka Sharks♪ 474 00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:40,075 ♪ Jeff Fischer's got a few remarks♪ 475 00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:42,730 ♪ The Sharks belong in Langley♪ 476 00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:45,602 ♪ Where they got mad history♪ 477 00:18:45,602 --> 00:18:48,170 ♪ Like the time we lost by 63♪ 478 00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,998 ♪ An all-time Sharks memory♪ 479 00:18:49,998 --> 00:18:51,304 ♪ 'Zooka, 'Zooka Sharks ♪ 480 00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:53,567 PARKER DEAY: ♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪ 481 00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:57,614 ♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪ 482 00:18:57,614 --> 00:19:04,708 ♪ 483 00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:08,277 ♪ There's just one more reason♪ 484 00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:10,627 ♪ To keep the Sharks in Langley land♪ 485 00:19:10,627 --> 00:19:13,195 ♪ The memory of that little girl who died in the stands♪ 486 00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,762 ♪ R.I.P. ♪ 487 00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:18,026 ♪ Always and forever our youngest fan♪ 488 00:19:18,026 --> 00:19:19,593 PARKER DEAY: ♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪ 489 00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:26,687 ♪ 490 00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,691 ♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪ 491 00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:36,958 ♪ 492 00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:38,655 ♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪ 493 00:19:38,655 --> 00:19:40,701 ♪ Don't tarnish the legacy of Johnny Concussion♪ 494 00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:42,790 ♪ Shark's all-time leader in rushin'♪ 495 00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:44,400 ♪ Thirty yards ♪ 496 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,228 ♪ So move the Sharks at your discretion♪ 497 00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:48,404 ♪ But if you do, I'mma send you to heaven♪ 498 00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,406 ♪ Introduce your ass to God♪ 499 00:19:50,406 --> 00:19:53,061 ♪ Rest in peace, Lisa Jenkis♪ 500 00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:58,240 Who cares about money? 501 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,852 The Sharks belong in Langley Falls. 502 00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,942 You did it, Jeff. 503 00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:07,249 You saved the Sharks. 504 00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:11,558 By the way, whoever put me in an adult diaper, thank you. 505 00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:17,259 [both screaming] 506 00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:18,956 Don't worry, I'm gonna get you out of there. 507 00:20:18,956 --> 00:20:22,221 - Great. - Starting with the professor. 508 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,787 What? 509 00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:25,963 Aah! Aah! 510 00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:27,226 Roger. 511 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,228 Ugh, fine. You're such a baby. 512 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,664 Aah! 513 00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:36,104 What the hell changed your mind? 514 00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:37,236 This book. 515 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,846 I read it and loved it. 516 00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:42,719 And I realized, if a piece of art touches even one person, 517 00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,112 it's worthwhile. 518 00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:46,419 And it did touch one person. 519 00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:47,550 Me. 520 00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:50,292 I touched myself, Hayley. 521 00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:51,424 Jiminy [bleep] Glick. 522 00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:53,295 Hayley, wait. Just so you know, 523 00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:56,429 I was the professor and the coach the whole time. 524 00:20:56,429 --> 00:20:58,126 Have a great night.