1 00:00:00,867 --> 00:00:03,335 [ static on tv ] 2 00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:07,071 Greg: We interrupt this static with breaking news. 3 00:00:07,073 --> 00:00:08,340 [ all groan ] 4 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,676 Langley's arena football team, the bazooka sharks, 5 00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,078 Have announced they are leaving langley falls. 6 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:14,947 [ all gasp ] 7 00:00:14,949 --> 00:00:17,950 I poured so much love into the sharks. 8 00:00:17,952 --> 00:00:19,083 What will I do now? 9 00:00:19,085 --> 00:00:21,086 No, no, no! 10 00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:22,887 We must do something! 11 00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:24,423 We must write a rap! 12 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:25,958 Outta my way, babe. 13 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,094 I gotta write a rap to save the bazooka sharks! 14 00:00:29,096 --> 00:00:30,429 Cool beans, babe. 15 00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,765 I'm off to class. See you dick-a-licks later. 16 00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:34,833 Wait a minute, why are you so happy? 17 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,169 You hate school. I used to, 18 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:40,172 But I have this new creative writing professor, 19 00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,707 And he is so inspiring. 20 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,377 It's like he lit a fire inside me. 21 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,579 They're banging, right? For sure. 22 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:50,114 That, or it's roger. 23 00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:52,384 [ grunts ] 24 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:56,054 Well, I'm off to shape the soft clay minds of our youth. 25 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,322 Told you it was roger. 26 00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,724 I'll see you in class, hayley. 27 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,861 Your inspiring professor is roger? 28 00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:03,996 Are you serious? 29 00:01:03,998 --> 00:01:05,664 I was skeptical, too, 30 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,800 But there's something different about this persona. 31 00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:10,402 He's passionate and engaged. 32 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:11,670 You know, it sounds crazy, 33 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,472 But I think roger is his best self 34 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,674 When he's professor longbottom. 35 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:17,342 Hey, is mom okay? 36 00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:21,079 She's just bugging out because the sharks are leaving town. 37 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,949 Oh, wait. I think her twitch is saying something in morse code. 38 00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:27,085 Never... 39 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,887 Gonna... 40 00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:29,954 Give you up? 41 00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:32,024 ♪ never gonna give you up ♪ 42 00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:34,693 ♪ never gonna let you down ♪ [ all groan ] 43 00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:39,764 ♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪ 44 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:43,702 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 45 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:46,705 ♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 46 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:51,343 ♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ♪ 47 00:01:52,847 --> 00:01:57,049 ♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ [ bicycle bell dings ] 48 00:01:57,051 --> 00:01:59,184 I can't make you crash today, stan. 49 00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:02,587 I've got class. [ bicycle bell dings ] 50 00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:03,988 Football, huh? 51 00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:06,759 Well, I was only going to work to hit the flagpole. 52 00:02:07,594 --> 00:02:09,994 [ tires squeal ] 53 00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:13,798 Does anyone know why we're having class outside today? 54 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,800 What does every classroom have? 55 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,335 Desks? A pet hamster? 56 00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:19,071 Posters of abraham lincoln? 57 00:02:19,073 --> 00:02:22,074 Correct. But also completely wrong. 58 00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:25,410 The correct answer I'm looking for is "walls." 59 00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,412 Together: Ah. 60 00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:28,747 I hate walls. 61 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,749 Walls are the physical manifestation 62 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:33,085 Of the walls we put up inside our minds 63 00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:35,554 That stop us from becoming writers. 64 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:37,222 Me? "writers"? 65 00:02:37,224 --> 00:02:40,158 I'd like to talk today about old faithful, 66 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,693 The geyser in wyoming. 67 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:44,429 Old faithful fills with boiling water. 68 00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:48,032 The same way your mind fills with ideas for writing. 69 00:02:48,034 --> 00:02:51,303 Like old faithful, you have to erupt onto the page. 70 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,905 Speaking of erupting, 71 00:02:52,907 --> 00:02:55,707 Hayley smith is getting her short story published 72 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,509 In groff's literary zine. 73 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,111 I got into soul puddles? 74 00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:02,180 Yes. Your piece, "an alien in my attic," 75 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,582 Will be out Friday. 76 00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,384 An irresponsible story to write, 77 00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,519 But I am very, very proud of you. 78 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,589 Damn, professor l-b loves you. 79 00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:13,258 I can't get over what a good teacher you are. 80 00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:15,928 And I can't get over the fact that I'm riding a bike 81 00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:17,996 This speed and not falling over. 82 00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,864 You walk slow. 83 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,399 Dad? What are you doing here? 84 00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:24,069 I found something to replace the bazooka sharks. 85 00:03:24,071 --> 00:03:26,338 I'm a groff football booster now. 86 00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:29,007 Hey, we're all doing groff stuff. That's great. 87 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,410 It would be, except the team hasn't won a game 88 00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:32,611 In three years. 89 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,279 We need a new offensive line. 90 00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:38,082 Hey, isn't steve always hanging around with a big boy? 91 00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,084 I gotta go. 92 00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:41,019 Stan in a polo shirt. 93 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:44,489 His gut sticks out, but his arms look like pythons. 94 00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:47,426 Break some off for me. 95 00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,361 Not that I would. He's family. 96 00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,996 [ groans ] 97 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,935 Roger, I want to say thank you. 98 00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:59,404 Your inspiration gave me the courage 99 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:00,806 To write that story. 100 00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,874 I just did what any great professor does -- 101 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,210 Nurse a red-wine hangover while pretending to care 102 00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:08,079 About whatever my hottest student was talking about. 103 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,214 Not you, obviously. 104 00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:10,949 You're family. 105 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:14,419 "'old faithful:' a novel by dickens longbottom." 106 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,821 You're writing a novel? 107 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:18,157 It's nothing, just your basic sci-fi noir 108 00:04:18,159 --> 00:04:20,892 With elements of dark fantasy and staged realism, 109 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,293 Centered around old faithful. 110 00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:24,163 Can I read it? Not till it's finished. 111 00:04:24,165 --> 00:04:26,365 I'm having trouble with the ending. 112 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,766 And middle. 113 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,300 The beginning has been pretty elusive. 114 00:04:29,302 --> 00:04:30,635 Writing is hard. 115 00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:33,104 Well, maybe I can be your writing buddy, 116 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,173 Help keep you on task. 117 00:04:34,175 --> 00:04:37,176 Support your writing the way you supported mine. 118 00:04:37,178 --> 00:04:39,711 I was incredibly helpful to you. 119 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,913 Okay, let's meet tomorrow at the coffee shop. 120 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,248 I like to write in public 121 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:45,384 So other people can see that I'm writing. 122 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:48,387 It's a very important part of my process. 123 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:51,390 [ doorbell rings ] 124 00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:52,724 Hey, mr. Smith. 125 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,593 Are you here to have sex with my parents? 126 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:56,127 If that's what you want, barry. 127 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,597 Because from now on, you get everything you want. 128 00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,866 Because I'm recruiting you to play football 129 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,734 At groff community college. 130 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,135 I'm in ninth grade. 131 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,804 And that's why community college 132 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,539 Is the perfect place for you. 133 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:08,673 Let's go for a drive. 134 00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:09,608 We'll take your car. 135 00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:11,010 I don't have a car. 136 00:05:11,012 --> 00:05:14,012 Then whose keys to a seven-year-old suv 137 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:17,816 With 120,000 miles on it are these? 138 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,152 You like prostitutes, barry? 139 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:25,591 Okay, roger. Let's write that book. 140 00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,628 What is it? I-it's just 141 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,830 That table seems a lot better for writing. 142 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,499 But that's the only other table with people at it. 143 00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,767 Must be writers, too. 144 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:36,968 Show-offs. 145 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,570 Wait, I think they're leaving. 146 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:41,506 They're not leaving, but maybe soon. 147 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,609 No rush. I'm a writer, too. 148 00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:48,513 They sure didn't like me flicking their ears like that. 149 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,716 Okay, time to write. 150 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,518 This computer feels a little small. 151 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,654 Look at this behemoth. 152 00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,589 This is a computer. 153 00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,458 I'm ready. 154 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,592 My chair is too low. 155 00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:01,927 Ugh. 156 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,097 You got a really nice lap. 157 00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:10,869 I'm starting to think this computer might be too big. 158 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,738 Roger, what's going on? 159 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:14,739 Do you even want to finish this novel? 160 00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:15,807 Of course. 161 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,008 But I'm afraid. 162 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:19,144 What if it's not universally beloved? 163 00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,012 What if it's merely a cult classic? 164 00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,615 You have to power through that fear, dive in... 165 00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:26,084 Dive on in. ...And just write. 166 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:26,952 You're right. 167 00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:28,820 Let's do this. 168 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,590 [ breathes deeply ] 169 00:06:37,098 --> 00:06:39,098 Listen to me clacking away, hayley. 170 00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:41,366 I'm writing. [ marching band playing ] 171 00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:44,035 I can't focus with this noise. What's happening? 172 00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:46,237 If anyone is wondering what's happening, 173 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,706 The dean is having a pep rally 174 00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:50,041 To announce a new football coach. 175 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,176 Whoo! 176 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,312 I mean, we gotta check that out. 177 00:06:53,314 --> 00:06:54,379 Do we? 178 00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:57,316 Welcome. I'm dean barkov. 179 00:06:57,318 --> 00:06:58,650 [ cheers and applause ] 180 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,585 Oh, yeah. 181 00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,854 That's a sick reaction. 182 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:06,658 I'd like to introduce our new football coach. 183 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:10,595 Please welcome burton grundy. 184 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:12,998 Whoa. Burton grundy? 185 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,800 The god-fearing family man 186 00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:16,601 Who treats his players with respect 187 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,137 And wins wherever he goes. 188 00:07:18,139 --> 00:07:19,671 How do you know so much about... 189 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,940 [ sighs ] this better not be you. 190 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,143 Plus, check out this unique specific -- 191 00:07:24,145 --> 00:07:25,344 He never curses. 192 00:07:25,346 --> 00:07:26,611 Just go. 193 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,946 [ cheers and applause ] 194 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:31,150 I'd like to thank you for welcoming me to groff. 195 00:07:31,152 --> 00:07:34,019 Me and my christian wife have prayed for this day. 196 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:37,556 And I promise you I will stop at jiminy glicking nothing 197 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:38,957 To win a championship. 198 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,960 [ cheers and applause ] 199 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,229 I avoided covid for three years. 200 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,964 And now I've caught writer's block 201 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,834 And football fever on the same day. 202 00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:50,702 [ cellphone vibrates ] 203 00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,204 Uhp, never mind. I have covid. 204 00:07:57,111 --> 00:07:58,176 Hey, can I talk to you? 205 00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,311 Sure, I can take a break 206 00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,446 From turning losers into champions. 207 00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:03,515 Roger, I'm worried that coach grundy 208 00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:06,384 Is just a distraction to keep you from writing your book. 209 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,187 Coach grundy is not a distraction, hayley. 210 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:12,657 Listen, inside everyone there are two sides -- 211 00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:14,259 A coach and a professor. 212 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:18,130 Like an offense and a defense, they share the field, and... 213 00:08:18,132 --> 00:08:20,132 Honestly, I'm not sure where this analogy goes. 214 00:08:20,134 --> 00:08:23,468 I'm too distracted by these super squeaky markers. 215 00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,004 So professor longbottom is still gonna buckle down 216 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,606 And write this thing? [ marker squeaking ] 217 00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:30,609 He needs to share his unique voice with the world. 218 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:33,545 Ye-e-e-e-s. 219 00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,747 Now, if you'll excuse me, 220 00:08:34,749 --> 00:08:37,549 I've got some young boys to turn into men. 221 00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,684 That sounds sexual, but in this case, this -- 222 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,420 This one particular case, it's not. 223 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,688 This field, 224 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,825 This field is where you'll bleed with your brothers. 225 00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:49,894 Did you say "bleed"? I did. 226 00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:53,165 Barry, you may have also heard me say the word "brothers." 227 00:08:53,167 --> 00:08:55,033 That's because football is a family. 228 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,969 I already have a family. 229 00:08:56,971 --> 00:08:58,903 Parents aren't a family, barry. 230 00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:00,438 They're a distraction. 231 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:01,840 Close your eyes. 232 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:06,779 Imagine thousands, nay hundreds, of fans chanting your name. 233 00:09:06,781 --> 00:09:12,250 Bar-ry! Bar-ry! Bar-ry! Bar-ry! 234 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,918 You in, or what? 235 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,121 Check it out, wheelie. 236 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:19,858 Hey, it's been two weeks since your last writing session. 237 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,126 Yeah, football season has been 238 00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:22,995 Making it tough to find time. 239 00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,062 Mainly because I'm going to 240 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,730 A ton of the practices and games. 241 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,265 Are you sure about this 242 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,734 "professor and a coach inside all of us" theory? 243 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,003 Never heard that one. 244 00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,604 But we're right by the coffee shop, 245 00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:35,273 The one place in the world where I'm able to write. 246 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,209 Wanna stop in, bang out some pages? 247 00:09:37,211 --> 00:09:40,813 Sounds grrrrr--undy's chophouse? 248 00:09:40,815 --> 00:09:43,148 What happened to the coffee shop? 249 00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,283 [ bicycle bell dings ] 250 00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:48,487 Any time I take a job in a new city, I open a grundy's. 251 00:09:48,489 --> 00:09:50,222 It's a place for me to get plastered 252 00:09:50,224 --> 00:09:52,825 Away from the prying eyes of my christian wife. 253 00:09:52,827 --> 00:09:54,026 Plus, it's a great way to bilk 254 00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:56,428 A little extra money off any local rubes. 255 00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,163 Hayley! 256 00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:00,833 I didn't know you grubbed at grundy's. 257 00:10:00,835 --> 00:10:02,835 I came here to help professor longbottom 258 00:10:02,837 --> 00:10:04,169 Do some writing, but -- 259 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:07,105 I told you not to take roger seriously. 260 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,842 Professor longbottom is roger's sensitive side, 261 00:10:09,844 --> 00:10:11,243 And it's real. 262 00:10:11,245 --> 00:10:13,111 He's just manifesting coach grundy 263 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,180 To protect himself from failing. 264 00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,581 I need to get rid of him. 265 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:19,852 Listen, I've followed grundy's entire career. 266 00:10:19,854 --> 00:10:21,786 If longbottom is the best of roger, 267 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,789 Grundy is the absolute worst. 268 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:28,793 Ooh, baby, I love how much you're not my wife. 269 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,595 [ laughs ] 270 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,264 He goes through a cycle. 271 00:10:32,266 --> 00:10:34,666 He comes to town, gets into some scandal, 272 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:39,071 Then steps away from football to "focus on family." 273 00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:41,005 It usually takes a couple seasons. 274 00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:43,475 Hmm, maybe I could speed up the process. 275 00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:48,012 My actions have no consequences! 276 00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:50,416 [ cheers and applause ] 277 00:10:51,285 --> 00:10:52,751 [ football players grunting ] 278 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,553 [ bone snaps ] [ screams ] 279 00:10:54,555 --> 00:10:56,421 Barry. 280 00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,290 [ crying ] 281 00:10:58,292 --> 00:10:59,358 You. 282 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,760 How would you like to play groff football 283 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,027 And have a family for life? 284 00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:04,629 Please. 285 00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,031 Help barry. 286 00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,301 What's your take on prostitutes? 287 00:11:09,303 --> 00:11:11,904 One week following coach grundy around, 288 00:11:11,906 --> 00:11:14,973 And I've got enough dirt to take him down for good. 289 00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:18,577 Here, play this on the jumbotron. 290 00:11:18,579 --> 00:11:20,579 Hey. I'm talkin' to you. 291 00:11:20,581 --> 00:11:21,846 [ gasps ] 292 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,550 [ gasps ] he was a balloon. 293 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,255 Groff fans, you probably know me as hayley smith, 294 00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,190 Recently published in soul puddles. 295 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:35,059 [ crowd booing ] thank you. 296 00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:37,662 But I'm not here to talk about my accomplishments. 297 00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:40,799 I'm here to show you the real coach grundy. 298 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,801 This'll teach you to stop fumbling. 299 00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,803 [ hammer clangs, man screams ] [ crowd gasps ] 300 00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:46,204 Oh, shit, shit. 301 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,340 That douchebag dean barkov is eating at table four. 302 00:11:48,342 --> 00:11:51,676 I'm gonna slap my schlong on his new york strip real quick. 303 00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:52,745 [ pants unzip ] 304 00:11:52,747 --> 00:11:54,279 [ thud ] [ crowd gasps ] 305 00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:55,680 Ecstasy for you. 306 00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:56,815 Ecstasy for you. 307 00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,350 Ecstasy for you. 308 00:11:58,352 --> 00:11:59,818 Lithium for you, teri, you have problems. 309 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:03,155 An-n-n-n-d...Ecstasy and lithium for me. 310 00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:06,024 Now, who wants sex from a football coach? 311 00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:07,626 [ crowd gasps ] 312 00:12:07,628 --> 00:12:09,628 [ sighs ] 313 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:13,698 Groff fans, since this video came out, 314 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,701 My family and I have been in constant prayer. 315 00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,638 And we've decided that I am going to step away from football 316 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,474 To focus on what's important -- family. 317 00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:24,777 But don't worry. 318 00:12:24,779 --> 00:12:26,711 I will be back... 319 00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:28,046 For the third quarter. 320 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:29,447 Y'all have the gatorade ready 321 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:32,584 'cause I'm winning this jiminy glickin' game. 322 00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:35,220 [ cheers and applause ] 323 00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,327 Hayley, there you are. 324 00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,596 I want you to know I'm leaving the university. 325 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,732 It's like the whole school is obsessed with football. 326 00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:48,933 Including me. 327 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,535 I'll never finish my book. 328 00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,471 But the only thing stopping you is you. 329 00:12:52,473 --> 00:12:55,073 Like... Like, literally, you. 330 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,809 Roger, don't you see 331 00:12:56,811 --> 00:12:59,077 That grundy is just a wall you're putting up 332 00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,480 Between you and your fear of rejection? 333 00:13:01,482 --> 00:13:03,148 [ as ronald reagan ] mr. Longbottom, 334 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,350 Tear down this wall. 335 00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,619 Terrible reagan, hayley. Absolutely brutal. 336 00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,954 But how am I supposed to finish my book? 337 00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,490 You're a writer. 338 00:13:11,492 --> 00:13:14,092 All you need is pen and paper. 339 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,094 And adderall? Of course, adderall. 340 00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,096 [ chuckles ] you're not a magician. 341 00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:20,699 [ lemaitre's "closer" plays ] 342 00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:28,306 ♪♪ 343 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:32,444 ♪ I feel the shadows hanging over ♪ 344 00:13:32,446 --> 00:13:35,180 ♪ they're waiting to come closer ♪ 345 00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:38,383 ♪ to come and take me away ♪ 346 00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:43,055 ♪ and I can feel my heart skip ♪ 347 00:13:43,057 --> 00:13:45,457 ♪ every time that I slip ♪ 348 00:13:45,459 --> 00:13:48,060 ♪ I wanna run away ♪ 349 00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:53,331 I'd like to thank you all for joining me 350 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,400 To celebrate the release of my book. 351 00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:57,469 After spending years writing it, 352 00:13:57,471 --> 00:13:59,204 I feel fortunate to have gotten it 353 00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:01,473 Published immediately upon completion. 354 00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:04,008 Luckily, I'm acquainted with famed publisher, 355 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:07,279 Roger t. Publishing persona. 356 00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:10,215 First reviews are in. 357 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:14,152 Is there a good way to interpret the phrase "literary abortion?" 358 00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:16,689 It's just one review. This is your fault. 359 00:14:16,691 --> 00:14:19,558 You made me expose myself to the whole world. 360 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,094 Which is something I ordinarily enjoy doing. 361 00:14:22,096 --> 00:14:23,295 But not in this case. 362 00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,630 Not in this one particular case. 363 00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:28,067 [ crying ] 364 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,739 Roger, it's been weeks. 365 00:14:33,741 --> 00:14:35,941 Can I talk to longbottom? You can't. 366 00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,342 He's gone for good. 367 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:38,543 You think he'd show his face 368 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,279 After that embarrassment of a book? 369 00:14:40,281 --> 00:14:42,147 It wasn't even that many pages. 370 00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:44,283 Not like my book. It's half memoir, 371 00:14:44,285 --> 00:14:47,286 Half chophouse recipe book, and half football playbook. 372 00:14:47,288 --> 00:14:48,820 This thing's heavy as [bleep] 373 00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:50,956 Just try and catch it. 374 00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:52,157 Hmm, nice hands. 375 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,558 But could you do it over the middle 376 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,160 With a linebacker bearing down on you, 377 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,228 Ready to take your head off? 378 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,064 I bet you could. 379 00:15:01,302 --> 00:15:02,901 I'm worried about roger. 380 00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,235 He hasn't been anybody 381 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,438 But that stupid football coach for weeks. 382 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,773 He said he was going full grundy. 383 00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:09,841 No other personas. 384 00:15:09,843 --> 00:15:11,376 Well, that's bad news. 385 00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:12,511 He came into my room this morning 386 00:15:12,513 --> 00:15:14,846 And said I had to wake up for two-a-days 387 00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:17,048 And the only thing I wanna do twice a day 388 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,383 Is whack it, knahwadimeen? 389 00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:20,585 Noice. Ew. 390 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,188 I mean, ewwww. 391 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,790 This is my fault. 392 00:15:24,792 --> 00:15:27,192 I convinced roger to take a risk. 393 00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:28,593 He got hurt, and now he'll never 394 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,662 Let the good part of himself out again. 395 00:15:30,664 --> 00:15:32,063 You're crazy. 396 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,399 He let the good part of himself out all over this book. 397 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:35,867 Ooh. Old faithful. 398 00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:37,669 This is my all-time favorite play. 399 00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:39,805 He has a play called old faithful? 400 00:15:39,807 --> 00:15:41,540 Klaus, look at this. 401 00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:44,209 The receiver runs out of bounds and onto the next page. 402 00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:47,813 A recipe for wyoming-style potato skins. 403 00:15:47,815 --> 00:15:51,683 Do you think longbottom's somewhere inside roger, 404 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,952 Leaving clues, wanting us to find him? 405 00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:55,620 That's crazy, hayley. 406 00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:56,822 But, devil's advocate, 407 00:15:56,824 --> 00:16:00,359 Do you think this could be anything? 408 00:16:00,361 --> 00:16:03,362 Professor longbottom is at old faithful. 409 00:16:03,364 --> 00:16:04,763 I'm not saying you're right, 410 00:16:04,765 --> 00:16:07,199 But if you are, I better come with you. 411 00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,568 Roger: Chapter six. 412 00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:13,438 We were down 21-7 to lanceton, and we were cooked. 413 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,640 Just like my famous grundy's chophouse wings, 414 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:19,911 Available in piles of 25, 75, or 175. 415 00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:22,313 Return the bones for discounted drinks. 416 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,183 Please stop taking the bones home. 417 00:16:24,185 --> 00:16:25,784 Roger, why is so much of grundy's book 418 00:16:25,786 --> 00:16:26,852 About chicken bones? 419 00:16:26,854 --> 00:16:28,787 They're buying the meat, not the bones. 420 00:16:28,789 --> 00:16:30,455 [ brakes squeak ] 421 00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:33,792 I, uh, need to run ahead because... 422 00:16:33,794 --> 00:16:34,994 I-I have to pee? 423 00:16:34,996 --> 00:16:36,462 Yes. Yes. Good enough. 424 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,434 Hayley, my prized pupil. 425 00:16:43,871 --> 00:16:46,872 Roger, I came to bring the professor home. 426 00:16:46,874 --> 00:16:48,607 Why would you want to do that? 427 00:16:48,609 --> 00:16:51,877 Professor longbottom is a passionate, inspiring soul. 428 00:16:51,879 --> 00:16:54,345 Grundy is just trying to hold you inside, 429 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,215 But you need to burst out, like -- 430 00:16:56,217 --> 00:16:58,283 Old faithful. 431 00:16:58,285 --> 00:17:00,952 [ slow clap ] 432 00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:03,154 You led me right to him. 433 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,556 Wait, what's happening? 434 00:17:04,558 --> 00:17:06,025 I led you to...You? 435 00:17:06,027 --> 00:17:09,695 And now it's time for the ol' ether-cut-to-black. 436 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,498 ♪♪ 437 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,300 [ screams ] 438 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:16,501 Oh, good, you're awake. 439 00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:17,903 Roger, what's going on? 440 00:17:17,905 --> 00:17:20,572 We're both gonna die when this geyser erupts. 441 00:17:20,574 --> 00:17:22,441 What? Why are you doing this? 442 00:17:22,443 --> 00:17:24,309 It's not me, it's grundy. 443 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,111 I'm roger's vulnerable side. 444 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:29,114 As long as I exist, being all weak and shit, 445 00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,449 His feelings can get hurt. 446 00:17:30,451 --> 00:17:32,117 This is stupid. Klaus was right. 447 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,718 You're a maniac. Untie me. 448 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,121 I can't. I'm just as tied up as you. 449 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,723 Grundy is at the cabin now. He's gonna burn it down 450 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:42,594 Along with all the many, many unsold copies of my book. 451 00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:43,795 I'll be erased forever. 452 00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:45,731 You're at the cabin right now? 453 00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,399 Hayley, you know what I mean. 454 00:17:47,401 --> 00:17:48,800 It's over. 455 00:17:48,802 --> 00:17:51,202 There's nothing we can do to stop him. 456 00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,538 Okay, I should get going. 457 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,073 Don't leave me here alone. 458 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:58,344 You're not alone. You're with the professor. 459 00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,714 'sup, dude? 460 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,488 "they called her old faithful. 461 00:18:09,490 --> 00:18:11,823 But me? I was young 462 00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:14,826 And couldn't be faithful for a second." 463 00:18:14,828 --> 00:18:16,795 Yikes. 464 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,566 As soon as I sign this contract, 465 00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:24,235 The bazooka sharks will officially be moving to ottawa. 466 00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:25,904 [ door slams open ] jeff: Don't sign that paper. 467 00:18:25,906 --> 00:18:29,508 Maybe you forgot, but I've been writing a rap. 468 00:18:29,510 --> 00:18:31,443 [ cellphone beeps ] 469 00:18:31,445 --> 00:18:36,448 ♪♪ 470 00:18:36,450 --> 00:18:38,850 ♪ before you move the 'zooka sharks ♪ 471 00:18:38,852 --> 00:18:41,653 ♪ jeff fischer's got a few remarks ♪ 472 00:18:41,655 --> 00:18:44,323 ♪ the sharks belong in langley ♪ 473 00:18:44,325 --> 00:18:47,392 ♪ where they got mad history ♪ 474 00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,795 ♪ like the time we lost by 63 ♪ 475 00:18:49,797 --> 00:18:51,530 ♪ an all-time sharks memory ♪ 476 00:18:51,532 --> 00:18:53,064 ♪ 'zooka, 'zooka sharks ♪ 477 00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:55,367 ♪ 'zooka sharks ♪ 478 00:18:57,538 --> 00:18:59,270 ♪ 'zooka sharks ♪ 479 00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:08,213 ♪♪ 480 00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,815 ♪ there's just one more reason ♪ 481 00:19:09,817 --> 00:19:12,151 ♪ to keep the sharks in langley land ♪ 482 00:19:12,153 --> 00:19:15,086 ♪ the memory of that little girl who died in the stands ♪ 483 00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:16,221 ♪ r.I.P. ♪ 484 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:19,558 ♪ always and forever our youngest fan ♪ 485 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,360 Parker deay: ♪ 'zooka sharks ♪ 486 00:19:21,362 --> 00:19:30,635 ♪♪ 487 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,437 ♪ 'zooka sharks ♪ 488 00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:38,710 ♪♪ 489 00:19:38,712 --> 00:19:42,247 ♪ 'zooka sharks ♪ ♪ don't tarnish the legacy of johnny concussion ♪ 490 00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:44,449 ♪ shark's all-time leader in rushin' ♪ 491 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:45,917 ♪ thirty yards ♪ 492 00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:47,853 ♪ so move the sharks at your discretion ♪ 493 00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:49,988 ♪ but if you do, I'mma send you to heaven ♪ 494 00:19:49,990 --> 00:19:52,057 ♪ introduce your ass to god ♪ 495 00:19:52,059 --> 00:19:54,793 ♪ rest in peace, lisa jenkis ♪ 496 00:19:57,598 --> 00:19:59,931 Who cares about money? 497 00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:03,635 The sharks belong in langley falls. 498 00:20:05,006 --> 00:20:06,605 You did it, jeff. 499 00:20:06,607 --> 00:20:08,940 You saved the sharks. 500 00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:13,412 By the way, whoever put me in an adult diaper, thank you. 501 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:18,884 [ both screaming ] 502 00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:21,420 Don't worry, I'm gonna get you out of there. Great. 503 00:20:21,422 --> 00:20:24,089 Starting with the professor. 504 00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:25,490 What? 505 00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:27,959 Aah! Aah! 506 00:20:27,961 --> 00:20:28,894 Roger. 507 00:20:28,896 --> 00:20:31,096 Ugh, fine. You're such a baby. 508 00:20:31,098 --> 00:20:32,531 Aah! 509 00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,969 What the hell changed your mind? 510 00:20:37,971 --> 00:20:38,904 This book. 511 00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:40,572 I read it and loved it. 512 00:20:40,574 --> 00:20:44,509 And I realized, if a piece of art touches even one person, 513 00:20:44,511 --> 00:20:45,911 It's worthwhile. 514 00:20:45,913 --> 00:20:48,247 And it did touch one person. 515 00:20:48,249 --> 00:20:49,248 Me. 516 00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:52,183 I touched myself, hayley. 517 00:20:52,185 --> 00:20:53,118 Jiminy [bleep] glick. 518 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,986 Hayley, wait. Just so you know, 519 00:20:54,988 --> 00:20:58,189 I was the professor and the coach the whole time. 520 00:20:58,191 --> 00:21:00,059 Have a great night.