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00:00:00,867 --> 00:00:03,335
[ static on tv ]
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Greg: We interrupt this static
with breaking news.
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[ all groan ]
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Langley's arena football team,
the bazooka sharks,
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Have announced
they are leaving langley falls.
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[ all gasp ]
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I poured so much love
into the sharks.
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What will I do now?
9
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No, no, no!
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We must do something!
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We must write a rap!
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Outta my way, babe.
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I gotta write a rap
to save the bazooka sharks!
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Cool beans, babe.
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I'm off to class.
See you dick-a-licks later.
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Wait a minute,
why are you so happy?
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You hate school.
I used to,
18
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But I have this new
creative writing professor,
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And he is so inspiring.
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It's like
he lit a fire inside me.
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They're banging, right?
For sure.
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That,
or it's roger.
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[ grunts ]
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Well, I'm off to shape the
soft clay minds of our youth.
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Told you it was roger.
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I'll see you in class,
hayley.
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Your inspiring professor
is roger?
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00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:03,996
Are you serious?
29
00:01:03,998 --> 00:01:05,664
I was skeptical, too,
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But there's something different
about this persona.
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He's passionate
and engaged.
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You know,
it sounds crazy,
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00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,472
But I think roger
is his best self
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When he's
professor longbottom.
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00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:17,342
Hey, is mom okay?
36
00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:21,079
She's just bugging out because
the sharks are leaving town.
37
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Oh, wait. I think her
twitch is saying
something in morse code.
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Never...
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Gonna...
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Give you up?
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♪ never gonna give you up ♪
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♪ never gonna let you down ♪
[ all groan ]
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♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
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♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
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♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the american race ♪
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♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
[ bicycle bell dings ]
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I can't make you
crash today, stan.
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00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:02,587
I've got class.
[ bicycle bell dings ]
50
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:03,988
Football, huh?
51
00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:06,759
Well, I was only going to work
to hit the flagpole.
52
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[ tires squeal ]
53
00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:13,798
Does anyone know why we're
having class outside today?
54
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,800
What does every classroom
have?
55
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,335
Desks?
A pet hamster?
56
00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:19,071
Posters
of abraham lincoln?
57
00:02:19,073 --> 00:02:22,074
Correct.
But also completely wrong.
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00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:25,410
The correct answer
I'm looking for is "walls."
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00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,412
Together: Ah.
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00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:28,747
I hate walls.
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Walls are
the physical manifestation
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00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:33,085
Of the walls we put up
inside our minds
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00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:35,554
That stop us
from becoming writers.
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Me? "writers"?
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I'd like to talk today
about old faithful,
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The geyser in wyoming.
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Old faithful fills
with boiling water.
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00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:48,032
The same way your mind fills
with ideas for writing.
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Like old faithful,
you have to erupt onto the page.
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00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,905
Speaking of erupting,
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Hayley smith is getting
her short story published
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In groff's literary zine.
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00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,111
I got into soul puddles?
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00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:02,180
Yes. Your piece,
"an alien in my attic,"
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00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,582
Will be out Friday.
76
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,384
An irresponsible story
to write,
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00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,519
But I am very,
very proud of you.
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00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,589
Damn, professor l-b
loves you.
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I can't get over
what a good teacher you are.
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00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:15,928
And I can't get over the fact
that I'm riding a bike
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00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:17,996
This speed
and not falling over.
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00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,864
You walk slow.
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00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,399
Dad?
What are you doing here?
84
00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:24,069
I found something to replace
the bazooka sharks.
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I'm a groff
football booster now.
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00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:29,007
Hey, we're all doing
groff stuff. That's great.
87
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It would be, except the team
hasn't won a game
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In three years.
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00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,279
We need
a new offensive line.
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00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:38,082
Hey, isn't steve always
hanging around with a big boy?
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00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,084
I gotta go.
92
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:41,019
Stan in a polo shirt.
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00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:44,489
His gut sticks out,
but his arms look like pythons.
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00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:47,426
Break some off for me.
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00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,361
Not that I would.
He's family.
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[ groans ]
97
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,935
Roger,
I want to say thank you.
98
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:59,404
Your inspiration
gave me the courage
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00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:00,806
To write that story.
100
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:02,874
I just did what
any great professor does --
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00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:05,210
Nurse a red-wine hangover
while pretending to care
102
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:08,079
About whatever my hottest
student was talking about.
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00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,214
Not you, obviously.
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You're family.
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00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:14,419
"'old faithful:' a novel
by dickens longbottom."
106
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:15,821
You're writing a novel?
107
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:18,157
It's nothing,
just your basic sci-fi noir
108
00:04:18,159 --> 00:04:20,892
With elements of dark fantasy
and staged realism,
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00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,293
Centered around
old faithful.
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00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:24,163
Can I read it?
Not till it's finished.
111
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I'm having trouble
with the ending.
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00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,766
And middle.
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The beginning has been
pretty elusive.
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Writing is hard.
115
00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:33,104
Well, maybe I can be
your writing buddy,
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Help keep you on task.
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Support your writing
the way you supported mine.
118
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I was incredibly helpful
to you.
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00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,913
Okay, let's meet tomorrow
at the coffee shop.
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I like to write in public
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So other people can see
that I'm writing.
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It's a very important part
of my process.
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[ doorbell rings ]
124
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:52,724
Hey, mr. Smith.
125
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,593
Are you here to have sex
with my parents?
126
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:56,127
If that's what you want,
barry.
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00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,597
Because from now on,
you get everything you want.
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00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,866
Because I'm recruiting you
to play football
129
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,734
At groff community college.
130
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,135
I'm in ninth grade.
131
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,804
And that's why
community college
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00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,539
Is the perfect place
for you.
133
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:08,673
Let's go for a drive.
134
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:09,608
We'll take your car.
135
00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:11,010
I don't have a car.
136
00:05:11,012 --> 00:05:14,012
Then whose keys
to a seven-year-old suv
137
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:17,816
With 120,000 miles on it
are these?
138
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,152
You like prostitutes,
barry?
139
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:25,591
Okay, roger.
Let's write that book.
140
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,628
What is it?
I-it's just
141
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,830
That table seems
a lot better for writing.
142
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,499
But that's the only other table
with people at it.
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00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,767
Must be writers, too.
144
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:36,968
Show-offs.
145
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,570
Wait,
I think they're leaving.
146
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:41,506
They're not leaving,
but maybe soon.
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00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,609
No rush.
I'm a writer, too.
148
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:48,513
They sure didn't like me
flicking their ears like that.
149
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,716
Okay,
time to write.
150
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,518
This computer feels
a little small.
151
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,654
Look at this behemoth.
152
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,589
This is a computer.
153
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,458
I'm ready.
154
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,592
My chair is too low.
155
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:01,927
Ugh.
156
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,097
You got a really nice lap.
157
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:10,869
I'm starting to think
this computer might be too big.
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00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,738
Roger,
what's going on?
159
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:14,739
Do you even want
to finish this novel?
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00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:15,807
Of course.
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00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:17,008
But I'm afraid.
162
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:19,144
What if it's not
universally beloved?
163
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,012
What if it's merely
a cult classic?
164
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,615
You have to power
through that fear, dive in...
165
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:26,084
Dive on in.
...And just write.
166
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:26,952
You're right.
167
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Let's do this.
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00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,590
[ breathes deeply ]
169
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Listen to me clacking away,
hayley.
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I'm writing.
[ marching band playing ]
171
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I can't focus with this noise.
What's happening?
172
00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:46,237
If anyone is wondering
what's happening,
173
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,706
The dean is having
a pep rally
174
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:50,041
To announce
a new football coach.
175
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,176
Whoo!
176
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,312
I mean,
we gotta check that out.
177
00:06:53,314 --> 00:06:54,379
Do we?
178
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:57,316
Welcome. I'm dean barkov.
179
00:06:57,318 --> 00:06:58,650
[ cheers and applause ]
180
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,585
Oh, yeah.
181
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,854
That's a sick reaction.
182
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:06,658
I'd like to introduce
our new football coach.
183
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:10,595
Please welcome burton grundy.
184
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:12,998
Whoa.
Burton grundy?
185
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,800
The god-fearing
family man
186
00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:16,601
Who treats his players
with respect
187
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,137
And wins
wherever he goes.
188
00:07:18,139 --> 00:07:19,671
How do you know
so much about...
189
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,940
[ sighs ]
this better not be you.
190
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,143
Plus, check out
this unique specific --
191
00:07:24,145 --> 00:07:25,344
He never curses.
192
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Just go.
193
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,946
[ cheers and applause ]
194
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:31,150
I'd like to thank you
for welcoming me to groff.
195
00:07:31,152 --> 00:07:34,019
Me and my christian wife
have prayed for this day.
196
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:37,556
And I promise you I will stop
at jiminy glicking nothing
197
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:38,957
To win a championship.
198
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,960
[ cheers and applause ]
199
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,229
I avoided covid
for three years.
200
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,964
And now I've caught
writer's block
201
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,834
And football fever
on the same day.
202
00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:50,702
[ cellphone vibrates ]
203
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,204
Uhp, never mind.
I have covid.
204
00:07:57,111 --> 00:07:58,176
Hey,
can I talk to you?
205
00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,311
Sure,
I can take a break
206
00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,446
From turning losers
into champions.
207
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:03,515
Roger, I'm worried
that coach grundy
208
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:06,384
Is just a distraction to keep
you from writing your book.
209
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,187
Coach grundy is not
a distraction, hayley.
210
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:12,657
Listen, inside everyone
there are two sides --
211
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:14,259
A coach and a professor.
212
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:18,130
Like an offense and a defense,
they share the field, and...
213
00:08:18,132 --> 00:08:20,132
Honestly, I'm not sure
where this analogy goes.
214
00:08:20,134 --> 00:08:23,468
I'm too distracted by
these super squeaky markers.
215
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,004
So professor longbottom
is still gonna buckle down
216
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,606
And write this thing?
[ marker squeaking ]
217
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:30,609
He needs to share his
unique voice with the world.
218
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:33,545
Ye-e-e-e-s.
219
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,747
Now,
if you'll excuse me,
220
00:08:34,749 --> 00:08:37,549
I've got some young boys
to turn into men.
221
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,684
That sounds sexual,
but in this case, this --
222
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,420
This one particular case,
it's not.
223
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,688
This field,
224
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,825
This field is where you'll bleed
with your brothers.
225
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:49,894
Did you say "bleed"?
I did.
226
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:53,165
Barry, you may have also heard
me say the word "brothers."
227
00:08:53,167 --> 00:08:55,033
That's because
football is a family.
228
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,969
I already have a family.
229
00:08:56,971 --> 00:08:58,903
Parents aren't a family,
barry.
230
00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:00,438
They're a distraction.
231
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:01,840
Close your eyes.
232
00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:06,779
Imagine thousands, nay hundreds,
of fans chanting your name.
233
00:09:06,781 --> 00:09:12,250
Bar-ry! Bar-ry!
Bar-ry! Bar-ry!
234
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,918
You in, or what?
235
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,121
Check it out, wheelie.
236
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:19,858
Hey, it's been two weeks
since your last writing session.
237
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,126
Yeah, football season
has been
238
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:22,995
Making it tough
to find time.
239
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,062
Mainly because
I'm going to
240
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,730
A ton of the practices
and games.
241
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,265
Are you sure about this
242
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,734
"professor and a coach
inside all of us" theory?
243
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,003
Never heard that one.
244
00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,604
But we're right by
the coffee shop,
245
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:35,273
The one place in the world
where I'm able to write.
246
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,209
Wanna stop in,
bang out some pages?
247
00:09:37,211 --> 00:09:40,813
Sounds grrrrr--undy's
chophouse?
248
00:09:40,815 --> 00:09:43,148
What happened to
the coffee shop?
249
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,283
[ bicycle bell dings ]
250
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:48,487
Any time I take a job in
a new city, I open a grundy's.
251
00:09:48,489 --> 00:09:50,222
It's a place for me
to get plastered
252
00:09:50,224 --> 00:09:52,825
Away from the prying eyes
of my christian wife.
253
00:09:52,827 --> 00:09:54,026
Plus, it's a great way
to bilk
254
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:56,428
A little extra money
off any local rubes.
255
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,163
Hayley!
256
00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:00,833
I didn't know you grubbed
at grundy's.
257
00:10:00,835 --> 00:10:02,835
I came here to help
professor longbottom
258
00:10:02,837 --> 00:10:04,169
Do some writing,
but --
259
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:07,105
I told you not to take
roger seriously.
260
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,842
Professor longbottom
is roger's sensitive side,
261
00:10:09,844 --> 00:10:11,243
And it's real.
262
00:10:11,245 --> 00:10:13,111
He's just manifesting
coach grundy
263
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,180
To protect himself
from failing.
264
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,581
I need to get rid
of him.
265
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:19,852
Listen, I've followed
grundy's entire career.
266
00:10:19,854 --> 00:10:21,786
If longbottom is
the best of roger,
267
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,789
Grundy is
the absolute worst.
268
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:28,793
Ooh, baby, I love how much
you're not my wife.
269
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,595
[ laughs ]
270
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,264
He goes through a cycle.
271
00:10:32,266 --> 00:10:34,666
He comes to town,
gets into some scandal,
272
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:39,071
Then steps away from football
to "focus on family."
273
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:41,005
It usually takes
a couple seasons.
274
00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:43,475
Hmm, maybe I could
speed up the process.
275
00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:48,012
My actions have
no consequences!
276
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:50,416
[ cheers and applause ]
277
00:10:51,285 --> 00:10:52,751
[ football players grunting ]
278
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,553
[ bone snaps ]
[ screams ]
279
00:10:54,555 --> 00:10:56,421
Barry.
280
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,290
[ crying ]
281
00:10:58,292 --> 00:10:59,358
You.
282
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,760
How would you like to play
groff football
283
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,027
And have a family for life?
284
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:04,629
Please.
285
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,031
Help barry.
286
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,301
What's your take
on prostitutes?
287
00:11:09,303 --> 00:11:11,904
One week following
coach grundy around,
288
00:11:11,906 --> 00:11:14,973
And I've got enough dirt
to take him down for good.
289
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:18,577
Here, play this
on the jumbotron.
290
00:11:18,579 --> 00:11:20,579
Hey.
I'm talkin' to you.
291
00:11:20,581 --> 00:11:21,846
[ gasps ]
292
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,550
[ gasps ]
he was a balloon.
293
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,255
Groff fans, you probably
know me as hayley smith,
294
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,190
Recently published
in soul puddles.
295
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:35,059
[ crowd booing ]
thank you.
296
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:37,662
But I'm not here to talk
about my accomplishments.
297
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:40,799
I'm here to show you
the real coach grundy.
298
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,801
This'll teach you
to stop fumbling.
299
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:44,803
[ hammer clangs, man screams ]
[ crowd gasps ]
300
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:46,204
Oh, shit, shit.
301
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,340
That douchebag dean barkov
is eating at table four.
302
00:11:48,342 --> 00:11:51,676
I'm gonna slap my schlong on
his new york strip real quick.
303
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:52,745
[ pants unzip ]
304
00:11:52,747 --> 00:11:54,279
[ thud ]
[ crowd gasps ]
305
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:55,680
Ecstasy for you.
306
00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:56,815
Ecstasy for you.
307
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,350
Ecstasy for you.
308
00:11:58,352 --> 00:11:59,818
Lithium for you, teri,
you have problems.
309
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:03,155
An-n-n-n-d...Ecstasy
and lithium for me.
310
00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:06,024
Now, who wants sex
from a football coach?
311
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:07,626
[ crowd gasps ]
312
00:12:07,628 --> 00:12:09,628
[ sighs ]
313
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:13,698
Groff fans,
since this video came out,
314
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,701
My family and I
have been in constant prayer.
315
00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,638
And we've decided that I am
going to step away from football
316
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,474
To focus on
what's important -- family.
317
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:24,777
But don't worry.
318
00:12:24,779 --> 00:12:26,711
I will be back...
319
00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:28,046
For the third quarter.
320
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:29,447
Y'all have
the gatorade ready
321
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:32,584
'cause I'm winning
this jiminy glickin' game.
322
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:35,220
[ cheers and applause ]
323
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,327
Hayley,
there you are.
324
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,596
I want you to know
I'm leaving the university.
325
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:47,732
It's like the whole school
is obsessed with football.
326
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:48,933
Including me.
327
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,535
I'll never finish
my book.
328
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,471
But the only thing
stopping you is you.
329
00:12:52,473 --> 00:12:55,073
Like...
Like, literally, you.
330
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,809
Roger, don't you see
331
00:12:56,811 --> 00:12:59,077
That grundy is just a wall
you're putting up
332
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,480
Between you
and your fear of rejection?
333
00:13:01,482 --> 00:13:03,148
[ as ronald reagan ]
mr. Longbottom,
334
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,350
Tear down this wall.
335
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,619
Terrible reagan, hayley.
Absolutely brutal.
336
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,954
But how am I supposed
to finish my book?
337
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,490
You're a writer.
338
00:13:11,492 --> 00:13:14,092
All you need
is pen and paper.
339
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,094
And adderall?
Of course, adderall.
340
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,096
[ chuckles ]
you're not a magician.
341
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:20,699
[ lemaitre's "closer" plays ]
342
00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:28,306
♪♪
343
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:32,444
♪ I feel the shadows
hanging over ♪
344
00:13:32,446 --> 00:13:35,180
♪ they're waiting
to come closer ♪
345
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:38,383
♪ to come and take me away ♪
346
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:43,055
♪ and I can feel
my heart skip ♪
347
00:13:43,057 --> 00:13:45,457
♪ every time that I slip ♪
348
00:13:45,459 --> 00:13:48,060
♪ I wanna run away ♪
349
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:53,331
I'd like to thank you all
for joining me
350
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,400
To celebrate
the release of my book.
351
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:57,469
After spending years
writing it,
352
00:13:57,471 --> 00:13:59,204
I feel fortunate
to have gotten it
353
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:01,473
Published immediately
upon completion.
354
00:14:01,475 --> 00:14:04,008
Luckily, I'm acquainted
with famed publisher,
355
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:07,279
Roger t. Publishing persona.
356
00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:10,215
First reviews are in.
357
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:14,152
Is there a good way to interpret
the phrase "literary abortion?"
358
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:16,689
It's just one review.
This is your fault.
359
00:14:16,691 --> 00:14:19,558
You made me expose myself
to the whole world.
360
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,094
Which is something
I ordinarily enjoy doing.
361
00:14:22,096 --> 00:14:23,295
But not in this case.
362
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,630
Not in
this one particular case.
363
00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:28,067
[ crying ]
364
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,739
Roger,
it's been weeks.
365
00:14:33,741 --> 00:14:35,941
Can I talk
to longbottom?
You can't.
366
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,342
He's gone for good.
367
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:38,543
You think
he'd show his face
368
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,279
After that embarrassment
of a book?
369
00:14:40,281 --> 00:14:42,147
It wasn't even
that many pages.
370
00:14:42,149 --> 00:14:44,283
Not like my book.
It's half memoir,
371
00:14:44,285 --> 00:14:47,286
Half chophouse recipe book,
and half football playbook.
372
00:14:47,288 --> 00:14:48,820
This thing's heavy
as [bleep]
373
00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:50,956
Just try and catch it.
374
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:52,157
Hmm, nice hands.
375
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,558
But could you do it
over the middle
376
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,160
With a linebacker
bearing down on you,
377
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,228
Ready to take
your head off?
378
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,064
I bet you could.
379
00:15:01,302 --> 00:15:02,901
I'm worried
about roger.
380
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,235
He hasn't been anybody
381
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,438
But that stupid
football coach for weeks.
382
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,773
He said
he was going full grundy.
383
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:09,841
No other personas.
384
00:15:09,843 --> 00:15:11,376
Well,
that's bad news.
385
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:12,511
He came into my room
this morning
386
00:15:12,513 --> 00:15:14,846
And said I had to wake up
for two-a-days
387
00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:17,048
And the only thing
I wanna do twice a day
388
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,383
Is whack it,
knahwadimeen?
389
00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:20,585
Noice.
Ew.
390
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,188
I mean, ewwww.
391
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,790
This is my fault.
392
00:15:24,792 --> 00:15:27,192
I convinced roger
to take a risk.
393
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:28,593
He got hurt,
and now he'll never
394
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,662
Let the good part
of himself out again.
395
00:15:30,664 --> 00:15:32,063
You're crazy.
396
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,399
He let the good part of himself
out all over this book.
397
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:35,867
Ooh.
Old faithful.
398
00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:37,669
This is my all-time
favorite play.
399
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:39,805
He has a play called
old faithful?
400
00:15:39,807 --> 00:15:41,540
Klaus, look at this.
401
00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:44,209
The receiver runs out of bounds
and onto the next page.
402
00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:47,813
A recipe for wyoming-style
potato skins.
403
00:15:47,815 --> 00:15:51,683
Do you think longbottom's
somewhere inside roger,
404
00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,952
Leaving clues,
wanting us to find him?
405
00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:55,620
That's crazy, hayley.
406
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:56,822
But, devil's advocate,
407
00:15:56,824 --> 00:16:00,359
Do you think
this could be anything?
408
00:16:00,361 --> 00:16:03,362
Professor longbottom is
at old faithful.
409
00:16:03,364 --> 00:16:04,763
I'm not saying
you're right,
410
00:16:04,765 --> 00:16:07,199
But if you are,
I better come with you.
411
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,568
Roger: Chapter six.
412
00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:13,438
We were down 21-7 to lanceton,
and we were cooked.
413
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,640
Just like my famous
grundy's chophouse wings,
414
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:19,911
Available in piles
of 25, 75, or 175.
415
00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:22,313
Return the bones
for discounted drinks.
416
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,183
Please stop taking
the bones home.
417
00:16:24,185 --> 00:16:25,784
Roger, why is so much
of grundy's book
418
00:16:25,786 --> 00:16:26,852
About chicken bones?
419
00:16:26,854 --> 00:16:28,787
They're buying the meat,
not the bones.
420
00:16:28,789 --> 00:16:30,455
[ brakes squeak ]
421
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:33,792
I, uh, need to run ahead
because...
422
00:16:33,794 --> 00:16:34,994
I-I have to pee?
423
00:16:34,996 --> 00:16:36,462
Yes. Yes.
Good enough.
424
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,434
Hayley,
my prized pupil.
425
00:16:43,871 --> 00:16:46,872
Roger, I came to bring
the professor home.
426
00:16:46,874 --> 00:16:48,607
Why would you
want to do that?
427
00:16:48,609 --> 00:16:51,877
Professor longbottom is
a passionate, inspiring soul.
428
00:16:51,879 --> 00:16:54,345
Grundy is just trying
to hold you inside,
429
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,215
But you need to
burst out, like --
430
00:16:56,217 --> 00:16:58,283
Old faithful.
431
00:16:58,285 --> 00:17:00,952
[ slow clap ]
432
00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:03,154
You led me right to him.
433
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:04,556
Wait, what's happening?
434
00:17:04,558 --> 00:17:06,025
I led you to...You?
435
00:17:06,027 --> 00:17:09,695
And now it's time
for the ol' ether-cut-to-black.
436
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,498
♪♪
437
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,300
[ screams ]
438
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:16,501
Oh, good,
you're awake.
439
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:17,903
Roger,
what's going on?
440
00:17:17,905 --> 00:17:20,572
We're both gonna die
when this geyser erupts.
441
00:17:20,574 --> 00:17:22,441
What?
Why are you doing this?
442
00:17:22,443 --> 00:17:24,309
It's not me,
it's grundy.
443
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,111
I'm roger's
vulnerable side.
444
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:29,114
As long as I exist,
being all weak and shit,
445
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,449
His feelings
can get hurt.
446
00:17:30,451 --> 00:17:32,117
This is stupid.
Klaus was right.
447
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,718
You're a maniac.
Untie me.
448
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,121
I can't.
I'm just as tied up as you.
449
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,723
Grundy is at the cabin now.
He's gonna burn it down
450
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:42,594
Along with all the many,
many unsold copies of my book.
451
00:17:42,596 --> 00:17:43,795
I'll be erased forever.
452
00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:45,731
You're at the cabin
right now?
453
00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,399
Hayley,
you know what I mean.
454
00:17:47,401 --> 00:17:48,800
It's over.
455
00:17:48,802 --> 00:17:51,202
There's nothing we can do
to stop him.
456
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,538
Okay,
I should get going.
457
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,073
Don't leave me here
alone.
458
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:58,344
You're not alone.
You're with the professor.
459
00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,714
'sup, dude?
460
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,488
"they called her old faithful.
461
00:18:09,490 --> 00:18:11,823
But me? I was young
462
00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:14,826
And couldn't be faithful
for a second."
463
00:18:14,828 --> 00:18:16,795
Yikes.
464
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,566
As soon as I
sign this contract,
465
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:24,235
The bazooka sharks will
officially be moving to ottawa.
466
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:25,904
[ door slams open ]
jeff:
Don't sign that paper.
467
00:18:25,906 --> 00:18:29,508
Maybe you forgot,
but I've been writing a rap.
468
00:18:29,510 --> 00:18:31,443
[ cellphone beeps ]
469
00:18:31,445 --> 00:18:36,448
♪♪
470
00:18:36,450 --> 00:18:38,850
♪ before you move
the 'zooka sharks ♪
471
00:18:38,852 --> 00:18:41,653
♪ jeff fischer's got
a few remarks ♪
472
00:18:41,655 --> 00:18:44,323
♪ the sharks belong
in langley ♪
473
00:18:44,325 --> 00:18:47,392
♪ where they got
mad history ♪
474
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,795
♪ like the time we lost
by 63 ♪
475
00:18:49,797 --> 00:18:51,530
♪ an all-time
sharks memory ♪
476
00:18:51,532 --> 00:18:53,064
♪ 'zooka, 'zooka sharks ♪
477
00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:55,367
♪ 'zooka sharks ♪
478
00:18:57,538 --> 00:18:59,270
♪ 'zooka sharks ♪
479
00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:08,213
♪♪
480
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,815
♪ there's just
one more reason ♪
481
00:19:09,817 --> 00:19:12,151
♪ to keep the sharks
in langley land ♪
482
00:19:12,153 --> 00:19:15,086
♪ the memory of that little girl
who died in the stands ♪
483
00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:16,221
♪ r.I.P. ♪
484
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:19,558
♪ always and forever
our youngest fan ♪
485
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:21,360
Parker deay:
♪ 'zooka sharks ♪
486
00:19:21,362 --> 00:19:30,635
♪♪
487
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,437
♪ 'zooka sharks ♪
488
00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:38,710
♪♪
489
00:19:38,712 --> 00:19:42,247
♪ 'zooka sharks ♪
♪ don't tarnish the legacy
of johnny concussion ♪
490
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:44,449
♪ shark's all-time
leader in rushin' ♪
491
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:45,917
♪ thirty yards ♪
492
00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:47,853
♪ so move the sharks
at your discretion ♪
493
00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:49,988
♪ but if you do,
I'mma send you to heaven ♪
494
00:19:49,990 --> 00:19:52,057
♪ introduce your ass
to god ♪
495
00:19:52,059 --> 00:19:54,793
♪ rest in peace,
lisa jenkis ♪
496
00:19:57,598 --> 00:19:59,931
Who cares about money?
497
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:03,635
The sharks belong
in langley falls.
498
00:20:05,006 --> 00:20:06,605
You did it, jeff.
499
00:20:06,607 --> 00:20:08,940
You saved the sharks.
500
00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:13,412
By the way, whoever put me
in an adult diaper, thank you.
501
00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:18,884
[ both screaming ]
502
00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:21,420
Don't worry, I'm gonna
get you out of there.
Great.
503
00:20:21,422 --> 00:20:24,089
Starting with
the professor.
504
00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:25,490
What?
505
00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:27,959
Aah! Aah!
506
00:20:27,961 --> 00:20:28,894
Roger.
507
00:20:28,896 --> 00:20:31,096
Ugh, fine.
You're such a baby.
508
00:20:31,098 --> 00:20:32,531
Aah!
509
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:37,969
What the hell
changed your mind?
510
00:20:37,971 --> 00:20:38,904
This book.
511
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:40,572
I read it and loved it.
512
00:20:40,574 --> 00:20:44,509
And I realized, if a piece
of art touches even one person,
513
00:20:44,511 --> 00:20:45,911
It's worthwhile.
514
00:20:45,913 --> 00:20:48,247
And it did touch
one person.
515
00:20:48,249 --> 00:20:49,248
Me.
516
00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:52,183
I touched myself,
hayley.
517
00:20:52,185 --> 00:20:53,118
Jiminy [bleep] glick.
518
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,986
Hayley, wait.
Just so you know,
519
00:20:54,988 --> 00:20:58,189
I was the professor
and the coach the whole time.
520
00:20:58,191 --> 00:21:00,059
Have a great night.