1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:02,002 ** 2 00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:02,936 Jackpot. 3 00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:05,873 ** 4 00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:07,708 One points. 5 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:11,679 ** 6 00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,048 Iz raining! 7 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:15,549 ** 8 00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:16,517 Dinner. 9 00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:18,086 It's what's for dinner. 10 00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,721 Now, I've been up since 10:00, so I'm turning in. 11 00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:23,091 Enjoy, my babies. 12 00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:25,393 ANNOUNCER: Channel 36 is incredibly proud 13 00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:27,928 to present our midnight movie, 14 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:31,065 The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smowg. 15 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:35,369 (gasps) Stan, it's Smowg. He's about to be desolated. 16 00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:37,138 Stan? 17 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:39,440 Huh. 18 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,575 Huh. 19 00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:43,777 Huh. 20 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:45,413 Huh. 21 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,316 No. 22 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,754 Uh-oh. 23 00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,589 What the hell are you guys doing down here? 24 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:58,726 Uh, you know how you never learned what lacrosse is? 25 00:00:58,826 --> 00:00:59,960 Yeah? 26 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:00,961 Well, this is it. 27 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,963 This is lacrosse. 28 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,766 ** 29 00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:08,169 * Good morning, U.S.A. * 30 00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:12,005 * I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day * 31 00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:15,143 * The sun in the sky has a smile on his face * 32 00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:19,513 * And he's shinin' a salute to the American race * 33 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:24,852 * Oh, boy, it's swell to say * 34 00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:27,255 -* Good -- * -* Good morning, U.S.A. * 35 00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:28,322 Aah! 36 00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,960 * Good morning, U.S.A. * 37 00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:35,596 So, every night after I'm asleep, 38 00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:37,598 you come down to the crawl space? 39 00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:39,433 I don't understand. 40 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,935 A crawl space is an area between floors, 41 00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,871 where crawling is not just allowed, 42 00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:45,206 it's encouraged -- 43 00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:46,974 I know what a crawl space is, Stan. 44 00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:48,476 Did you, though? 45 00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,978 I mean, why are you eating down here? 46 00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,881 Are you hiding from me? 47 00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:55,616 Just give it to me straight. 48 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,385 We're still hungry 'cause your dinner stinks! 49 00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:58,352 -It sucks! -Whoa! 50 00:01:58,452 --> 00:01:59,520 -Easy! -Hey! 51 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:02,356 -(chuckles) -Uh, we hate you. 52 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,225 -You're a bad lady! -Jeff! 53 00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,626 Alright, that's it. 54 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:06,894 Go to the dark part of the crawl space 55 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:09,363 -for 10 minutes. -It's ridiculous. 56 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,465 The dinner was bad? 57 00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:13,701 I followed the recipe to a "T." 58 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:17,838 It was Certified "Yim Yam Yummo" by Rachael Ray herself! 59 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:20,241 It's not that your cooking's bad... 60 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:23,511 Gee, how do we put it gently, gang? 61 00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:25,679 -Your food is soulless. -Totally uninspired. 62 00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:27,648 -It's got no heart! -Oh. 63 00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:29,082 Sorry, Mom. 64 00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:30,384 JEFF: It's poop food! 65 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,052 Jeff! 20 minutes! 66 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,854 JEFF: Life is so unfair! 67 00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,424 Don't feel bad, Mom. Cooking's just not your thing. 68 00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:37,825 You can always join us here, 69 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:39,360 for what we call "Cracker Hour." 70 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:41,495 Oh, but it's so much more than crackers. 71 00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:44,031 There's cheeses, toasted Pringles, 72 00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:46,166 and sumptuous summer sausages. 73 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:49,770 Hillshire Farms has put more love into this Li'l Smoky 74 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:52,706 than in a thousand of your "dinners." 75 00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:54,775 I don't want to be bad at cooking. 76 00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,410 I want to be good at cooking. 77 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,846 Why not do a cooking course at the Learning Annex? 78 00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:00,614 You tell them what you want to learn, 79 00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:03,384 they look it up on the Internet, and then they teach it to you. 80 00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:06,119 You know what? I will do that. 81 00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,756 Sorry I drove you guys underground. 82 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:11,692 JEFF: I scratched myself on a nail! 83 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:14,428 (chuckles) Gotta watch out for those nails. 84 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,730 Hold up -- do my eyes spy 85 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,366 a Li'l Smoky in the dirt? 86 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:22,736 -Dad, are you okay? -There's a nail in his head! 87 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,538 -Why isn't he speaking? -Somebody do something! 88 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:26,274 This is literally the first time tonight... 89 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:27,275 -HAYLEY: Aw, Dad! -STEVE: He's so still! 90 00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:28,376 ...I've reached for the Li'l Smokys and not bumped 91 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:29,310 -into Stan's head. -HAYLEY: Blink if you can hear me! 92 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:30,378 -STEVE: He's so calm! -HAYLEY: He's not blinking! 93 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,782 ** 94 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:35,783 Don't worry. 95 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,785 Stan's walking around and everything, 96 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:38,986 but he hasn't said a word, 97 00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:41,722 so you know that nail's touching something important. 98 00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,924 You want to talk about touching a nerve -- 99 00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:47,428 you guys not liking my cooking has really rattled me. 100 00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:50,998 Yes, yes it is me. Miss Nadine. 101 00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:53,000 Yeah, Nadine! 102 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:56,404 Today, we're making a classic spaghetti and meatballs. 103 00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:58,672 Every step is on these recipe cards, 104 00:03:58,772 --> 00:03:59,940 except for one -- 105 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,442 enjoy yourself! 106 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:03,611 I'll just follow the steps on the card, 107 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,446 if that's okay with you. 108 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,516 Oh, man, that babe Danuta's here! 109 00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,918 I'm gonna make a cool face while I chop my onion. 110 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:16,023 Is she looking? Is this face cool? 111 00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:18,926 Hmm. My cup has a dent in it. 112 00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:21,028 Won't be accurate. 113 00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:23,263 I'll have to use 48 teaspoons. 114 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,165 (gasps) 115 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:28,302 Ms. Nadine! Dick's not measuring his salt. 116 00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,504 Oh. Well, that's fine. 117 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,706 He just squeezed a lemon in there. 118 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,207 That's not in the recipe. 119 00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:36,009 Your back was turned and he squeezed it! 120 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:38,178 -I saw! -I thought a hit of lemon 121 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,180 would brighten up the marinara. 122 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,550 Mmm. 123 00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,217 Ooh. That's a nice change, Dick. 124 00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:47,688 There's no lemon anywhere in this recipe. 125 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,290 Has the whole world gone crazy? 126 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,493 (sobbing) Danuta... 127 00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:56,464 Look at me, Danuta. 128 00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:58,899 ** 129 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:02,336 The nail has only pierced his speech centers. 130 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:05,072 I can yank it out with my Leatherman, no problem, 131 00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:07,741 but not until the brain swelling goes down. 132 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,377 Bigger question -- 133 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:12,380 would you be willing to let me have the brain? 134 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,215 Keep in mind, I'd replace it with a bag of sand 135 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,185 so his overall weight would not change -- 136 00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:19,219 No. 137 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,188 How long will it take the swelling to go down? 138 00:05:21,288 --> 00:05:23,691 One week. 139 00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:27,528 I'll put this tiny safety cone on it for now, 140 00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:30,864 but as your physician, I must advise that you, 141 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:35,936 as soon as possible, get him a fun new hat. 142 00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,506 It's a Bugle snack. 143 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:39,873 Mm. It's delicious. 144 00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:43,110 Hooraaaaay! 145 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:48,181 Mmm. I know I keep saying this, 146 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,618 but, to quote Dom DeLuise's tombstone, 147 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,853 great meatball. 148 00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,391 And... what is this? 149 00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:59,026 It's also a meatball. 150 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,227 Oh. 151 00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:01,529 It's good. 152 00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,431 Hey! Tell me the truth. 153 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:04,532 I can take it. 154 00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:06,066 Okay. 155 00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,468 It's a little bland. 156 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:08,902 (screams) 157 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,971 -It was your recipe! -(glass shatters) 158 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,140 And I followed it to the letter! 159 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,943 -(glass shatters) -I want a 40% refund! 160 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,878 Get her out of here! 161 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,814 (grunting) Let me tell you something. 162 00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,550 Oh, yeah? What? 163 00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:26,053 This whole Annex is gonna burn, 164 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:28,288 and you're gonna be in it. 165 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,257 You can't burn brick, bitch! 166 00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:33,260 Oh, I'll find a fire hot enough. 167 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,429 You're gonna pop like popcorn. 168 00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:38,131 Pop! Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop! 169 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:41,669 (jazz music plays) 170 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:43,504 Now it's time for a new segment 171 00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,172 that I'm really excited about... 172 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:48,008 -So (bleep) excited. -...where I travel the globe 173 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,077 interviewing famous chefs. 174 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:52,846 Here's me with Patagonian super chef, 175 00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,448 Francis Mallmann. 176 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,917 Super chef? 177 00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,620 As I say in my book, The Seven Fires, 178 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,154 the problem with the home cook 179 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,791 is that they are enslaved by the recipes, 180 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:06,460 by their electric stoves. 181 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,328 MALLMANN: In the out of doors, where I cook, 182 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,798 man is returned to what is essential. 183 00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:12,666 The fire Promethean. 184 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,935 It's all in my book, The Seven Fires. 185 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:21,141 Well, the results are in. Slap bracelets are back. 186 00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:22,510 What the hell?! 187 00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:24,177 Damn thing made me look like an idiot. 188 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,313 Wow, you're reading Francis Mallmann? 189 00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:29,783 Yeah, but his cooking is all about trusting your instincts, 190 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,719 and I don't know if I have those. 191 00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,787 What if you could learn instincts 192 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,823 from someone like Francis Mallmann? 193 00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:37,558 Oh, my God. Do you know him? 194 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:40,460 Yes, but we're estranged. I said someone like him. 195 00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,563 I have a persona that borrows heavily 196 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,331 from Francis -- duplicates him really, 197 00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:45,533 probably the source of the rift -- 198 00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,467 and I do know that persona. 199 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,537 Would you be willing to go all the way to Patagonia 200 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:50,838 to learn how to cook? 201 00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:54,041 Roger, I'd go to freakin' L.L. Bean 202 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,809 if it helped me be a better cook. 203 00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,511 Ha! That's hilarious. 204 00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:02,149 Although maybe you aren't being hilarious. 205 00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:05,519 Now, Francine, when we get there, 206 00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,020 this guy's gonna be me. 207 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,388 I want to be clear about that. 208 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,490 This persona and I are different, 209 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:11,725 but I am him. 210 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,493 I can imagine how jarring it is 211 00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,729 to find me around every corner in your life, 212 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,698 and I want this to be a smoother deal for you. 213 00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,066 (birds chirping) 214 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,734 This is it, right? 215 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,236 I'm about to look over, and he'll be there, 216 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,538 and you'll be gone. 217 00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:25,539 Yeah. 218 00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,407 You know, I don't usually get to say goodbye. 219 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,544 Well, thanks for flying down with me. 220 00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:33,080 Even if you had to come anyway to be the guy. 221 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,715 Thanks. 222 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:38,619 I'm Frenchus Mallmank, not Francis Mallmann, 223 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:39,920 and I'm going to challenge 224 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,922 everything you know about cooking. 225 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,090 (gasps) 226 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,257 Goodbye! 227 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,093 (sighs) Alright. 228 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:49,096 That's enough turning around. 229 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,401 ** 230 00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:56,136 NARRATOR: Frenchus Mallmank 231 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,772 rejected the pathway of fine French cuisine, 232 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:02,943 and dedicated himself to powerful, primitive cooking. 233 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,145 On his island in Patagonia, 234 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,147 with his dedicated students, 235 00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:09,216 he makes incredible meals 236 00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:12,385 using little more than fire and salt... 237 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:15,989 and the world has taken notice. 238 00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,558 (exasperatedly) Would you shut up! 239 00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,794 Why are you narrating everything? 240 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,930 And the narrator withdrew, 241 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:25,766 shutting himself off from human connection -- 242 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,500 Good! I think that's good. 243 00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:28,669 There. 244 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:31,104 That is how you build... 245 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,240 the Eight Fires. 246 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:36,443 ** 247 00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:39,346 Yes. One more than Francis. 248 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,248 Now I'll teach my techniques, 249 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:43,316 all leading up to a grand feast. 250 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:46,453 I will try each of your dishes, finishing many of them, 251 00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:47,988 and see how much you learned. 252 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,322 Lesson one! 253 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,024 I'm sealing this fish 254 00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,861 in the rich cream mud that is here by my feet. 255 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,629 When I cook this in the fire, 256 00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:57,931 the mud will hold in the moisture. 257 00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,467 -It will also muffle the small screams of the fish... -(high-pitched squealing) 258 00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,035 ...as it suffers and dies. 259 00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:04,972 Oh! How many cups of mud is that? 260 00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:07,507 You have long fingers, and it looks like a lot. 261 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,376 No cups! No recipes! 262 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:13,981 Cooking is about being free and alive. 263 00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:15,683 No! 264 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:18,451 Eh? You like my trebuchet? 265 00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:19,953 ** 266 00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:21,388 -(piano plays) -Alright. 267 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,024 Let's find Dad a hat to cover up that nail. 268 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,492 (piano continues) 269 00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:27,227 You like the piano, Dad? 270 00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:30,030 You can wait here while we shop for hats, 271 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,132 and I won't have to look at the nail. 272 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,968 Hey, look who it is! 273 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:38,471 (piano continues) 274 00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,140 -10 minute break. -(piano stops) 275 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:43,711 Just enough time for a cigarette and a tuna-fish sandwich. 276 00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:50,550 (piano plays) 277 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,685 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 278 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:54,054 I am manager of this Nordstrom, 279 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,924 and that is simply gorgeous playing. 280 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:57,925 You're hired. 281 00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,827 And you're fired. 282 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:03,096 Does Dick's Sporting Goods have piano players? 283 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,732 Dad can't play piano. 284 00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:07,500 It's the nail. It's unlocking him. 285 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,338 My nail gives me the power to know all domestic flight times 286 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:14,174 within the United States. 287 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:18,511 United 12 leaves Dulles for O'Hare in 30 minutes. 288 00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:21,414 No. Not even close. 289 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,116 (sizzling) 290 00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:28,255 Come, my acolytes. Taste. 291 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,190 You just got a bunch of dirt in it. 292 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:33,193 That's earth, and earth is flavor and passion. 293 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,296 Think of how many people had sex on this earth. 294 00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,231 And on Earth! 295 00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:40,367 (whispering) I found a little piece that's clean. 296 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,969 A little dirt for ya! 297 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,104 -(fire crackling) -To cook meat over flame, 298 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,906 to me, I believe truly -- 299 00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:48,541 Can't find the neck hole in this poncho. There it is. 300 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:51,144 The best technique is spatchcocking. 301 00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:52,445 (whispering) I've done that. 302 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,547 It's when you intentionally graze 303 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,583 someone's penis with your backpack. 304 00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:59,586 Spatchcocking is when you flatten an animal's ribcage 305 00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,221 so that it cooks more evenly. 306 00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:02,990 I'll show you. 307 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:07,227 It's all about finding just the right point of pressure, 308 00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,662 feeling it, making that connection, 309 00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:10,931 and then spatchcock! 310 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,834 This works with any meat. 311 00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:15,235 Wild hare... 312 00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:17,504 river otter... 313 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:19,807 two chickens. 314 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,442 Usually, you want to prep it, get the guts out, 315 00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:24,011 but I was just feeling it too hard. 316 00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:25,445 Had to do a live spatchcock. 317 00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:28,448 ROGER: So it goes. Eight fires, etcetera, etcetera. 318 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,851 With food, you need a little wine. 319 00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:33,286 This, to me, is a little wine. 320 00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,755 This is the largest size bottle of wine 321 00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,257 that isn't legally a vat. 322 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,259 It is called... a nebuchadnezzar. 323 00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:42,329 I drink four of these a day, just like Charlemagne did, 324 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:43,696 and I'll outlive you all. 325 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,999 What is it the poets say about wine? 326 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,035 (belches) 327 00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:50,537 What? Did you say something? 328 00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:51,538 Was I still going? 329 00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:52,806 Well, you're a fool 330 00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:54,842 if you don't saber your nebuchadnezzars. 331 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,815 I can't tell if it's done. 332 00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:04,852 Maybe I should check real quick. 333 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,186 ROGER: It's ruined. 334 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,721 The precious juice has been drained. 335 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:12,292 Taste yours. 336 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:13,693 Now try mine. 337 00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,163 Mmm. 338 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:17,998 It's so good. 339 00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,532 You're resisting my lessons. 340 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,902 I hope you can show me something at the big feast. 341 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:24,204 Now, if you excuse me, I must slumber 342 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,339 and dream of spatchcocking T-rexes 343 00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:29,142 with my childhood friend, Jean-Baptiste. 344 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:32,212 (piano plays) 345 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,414 (giggles) Business has never been better, 346 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,049 and it's all thanks to you! 347 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:40,320 Sales figures correspond 100% with your piano playing! 348 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:41,989 I don't want any of this stuff. 349 00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,523 (up-tempo piano plays) 350 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,993 I'm buying 10 winter coats! 351 00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:47,327 (laughs) 352 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,029 You hooked another one, Nailhead! 353 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,564 And you know how big the margins are on coats. 354 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,500 (chuckles) Oh, oh! 355 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,536 By the way, I got a call from corporate earlier. 356 00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:59,506 They're considering turning the Langley Falls location 357 00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:01,774 into the new flagship... 358 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,210 (piano continues) 359 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,611 Yes. 360 00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:06,279 Flagship. 361 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:09,516 That's what all this has been about. 362 00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:11,518 Now, play me to the break room, 363 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:15,455 this time in the style of a silent-movie villain. 364 00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:19,259 (staccato notes play) 365 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:29,937 Javier, your Potatoes Three Ways is delicious, inspired. 366 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,939 What would you say to another three-ways 367 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:33,273 in my big fur bed? 368 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,275 -No. -You deny me? 369 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,877 My passion grows like a bonfire! 370 00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,146 Anywho, moving on. 371 00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,248 I was having a tough time at first, 372 00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:45,152 but I think I finally cooked from...here. 373 00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,886 Promising. 374 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:52,993 Where are they? 375 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,394 Where are what? 376 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,964 The measuring cups that you used to make this! 377 00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:58,331 You're right! 378 00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,133 I cheated. 379 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,102 I've been doing so terribly. 380 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:04,737 Oh, why can't I understand how to cook?! 381 00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:05,838 Who cares about that?! 382 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:08,475 I launched those measuring cups all the way to Bear Island. 383 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,777 If you went there, it's possible "they" 384 00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:12,279 followed your scent back here. 385 00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:13,280 Who? 386 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:14,514 (bears growl) 387 00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:18,785 Acolytes, fly me to safety! 388 00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:21,521 JAVIER: We'll tell the world your story! 389 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:24,324 But I already told the world my story. 390 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,493 (bears growl) 391 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,295 Roger, what do we do? 392 00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,363 (whispering) Stand perfectly still and don't make a sound. 393 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:33,133 (sniffing) 394 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,202 -Yes, it's me. -(roars) 395 00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,704 (screaming) 396 00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:40,207 ** 397 00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:41,841 -(growls) -(screaming continues) 398 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:46,279 ** 399 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,448 (coughs) 400 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,151 That damn bear spatchcocked me. 401 00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:53,620 I wish I wasn't here right now. 402 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:57,124 I wish I was in a restaurant. 403 00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,794 ** 404 00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:03,696 Roger! Are you okay? 405 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,898 They told me Bear Island would be a problem 406 00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,067 when I bought this place. 407 00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,169 "Leave the bears to me," I said. 408 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:11,571 What did I even mean? I didn't have a plan. 409 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:12,839 This is all my fault. 410 00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:14,374 It's not your fault. 411 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,709 You weren't there when I bought the island. 412 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,145 I mean, if I hadn't cheated, 413 00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,180 the bears never would have come here. 414 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,082 You killed me. 415 00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,484 Let's see how badly you're hurt. 416 00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:25,885 What's the damage? 417 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,521 Will I ever be able to rollerblade again? 418 00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:31,191 (sighing) Oh. That bear really got you. 419 00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,026 We need to get you off this island, 420 00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:34,394 but the boat is gone. 421 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,663 There's a backup boat on the other side of the island. 422 00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,231 Oh, my God! 423 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,333 Wait, why do you have a backup boat? 424 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:43,670 You should be asking, why do I have three boats. 425 00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:48,241 Because I used to, but then I ended up selling one. 426 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:53,513 -(grunts) -Ow. Ow. Ow. 427 00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,715 Wait! My nebuchadnezzars! 428 00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:58,851 -(glass clinking) -Ow. Ow. 429 00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,587 Wait, my gaucho hat! 430 00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:05,892 (strained) You know, Francine, I think I'm ready to die. 431 00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:08,795 there's just one last thing I want to do -- 432 00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:10,930 drink a live-forever potion. 433 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:14,201 You're not gonna die. We've reached the boat. 434 00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:15,868 Wait. There's somebody in it. 435 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:18,638 ROGER: Oh, no. It's Francis Mallmann. 436 00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:21,574 You stole my identity, Frenchus Mallmank, 437 00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:24,977 and now I steal your boat! 438 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:29,316 (piano plays) 439 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,818 ** 440 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:34,554 Money! Oh, money! Oh, money! 441 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:36,223 (chuckles) We're rich! 442 00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:39,058 This branch of Nordstrom is rich! 443 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:41,428 -Oh, no. The family. -It's been a week. 444 00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:43,163 We have to take the nail out now. 445 00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:45,132 Otherwise, he'll die, right, Dr. Kalgary? 446 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,299 Sounds right. 447 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,068 Then you must take it out. 448 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,070 I'd never want Nailhead to die. 449 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:52,505 Because, you see, 450 00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,907 it wasn't about the money or the coat sales -- 451 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,809 the highest in the tri-county area. 452 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,246 It was about the music. 453 00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:03,950 So before you remove the nail, could I hear just one last song? 454 00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:07,120 Dad! One more song! 455 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,755 (piano plays melancholy tune) 456 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:12,359 No boats. No food. 457 00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:14,294 We're both gonna starve here. 458 00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,129 I'm surprised I made it this far 459 00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:19,299 with the amount of glass I've been drinking. 460 00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,334 Before we die, 461 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:24,003 why did you cheat with the measuring cups? 462 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,938 I didn't want to mess up, I guess. 463 00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:28,875 What would it mean if you messed up? 464 00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:30,877 That there was something wrong 465 00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:33,012 with the measurements or the recipe. 466 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:36,383 And what if you messed up without a recipe? 467 00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:37,950 What if it was just you, 468 00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:40,353 cooking, making your own decisions? 469 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:43,690 It'd mean that there was something wrong with me, 470 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,358 that I was the failure. 471 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:49,329 And that's what therapists call a babababingo. 472 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:50,897 (coughs) 473 00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:54,501 Roger, this leg is starting to turn. 474 00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,369 I think I should cut it off. 475 00:18:56,469 --> 00:19:00,173 If you're gonna cut off my leg, you need to cook it. 476 00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:01,874 Roger, that's crazy! 477 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,143 It'll keep me from dying of blood poisoning 478 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,479 and give us both something to eat. 479 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:07,847 Oh, I don't know. 480 00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,982 There is no recipe for cooking my leg, 481 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,384 no safety net. 482 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:15,021 Show me who you are and feed me me. 483 00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:18,358 (piano continues) 484 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:21,994 ** 485 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:25,665 ** 486 00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:27,500 (groaning) 487 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:33,273 ** 488 00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:39,045 ** 489 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:44,884 ** 490 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,052 I had a lemon. 491 00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:51,758 ** 492 00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:57,597 ** 493 00:19:57,730 --> 00:20:03,403 ** 494 00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,272 It's delicious, Franny. 495 00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:09,642 ** 496 00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:12,379 -(body thuds) -(dissonant notes play) 497 00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:14,581 Hey, I'm back, baby. 498 00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:17,250 No! Put it back in! Put it back in! 499 00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,751 (manager screams) 500 00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:22,322 -(screaming continues) -(customers shout indistinctly) 501 00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:25,658 Don't worry! I'll make you a monster! 502 00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,094 Billy, get the van! 503 00:20:28,194 --> 00:20:32,432 Ah, it feels good to have conquered this. 504 00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,734 I was letting my fear of failing 505 00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,636 make me a boring cook. 506 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,305 (bears growl) 507 00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,639 (screams) 508 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,508 No! Don't fight them. 509 00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:44,010 Feed them. 510 00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:45,478 (bear growls) 511 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,614 ROGER: Hey, it's Francis. 512 00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:49,148 The smell of your soulful cooking 513 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,950 lured him back, Francine. 514 00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:54,153 And I've hit my goal weight. 515 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:57,524 Roger, your body's gonna grow back, right? 516 00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:59,526 It always has before. 517 00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:02,128 Oh, God! What if it doesn't?! 518 00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:04,130 Have a good night! 519 00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,000 -- Captions by VITAC --