1 00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:04,613 It's official. 2 00:00:04,656 --> 00:00:07,094 I closed escrow on my house in Maine. 3 00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:08,965 -Alright, Roger! -Alright, alright, alright! 4 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,097 Whoo! 5 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,316 Yeah, Stan, yeah. 6 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,188 Thanks, Roger,but I was dancing for me. 7 00:00:14,231 --> 00:00:15,841 My friend Skip Yates died. 8 00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:17,887 You're dancing 'cause your friend died? 9 00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:20,237 Well, he was a memberof my ham club. 10 00:00:20,281 --> 00:00:22,239 I'll now explain what that is. 11 00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:23,197 For those who already know, 12 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,242 I authorize you to leave the room. 13 00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:26,591 [ Clattering, running footsteps ] 14 00:00:26,635 --> 00:00:28,245 The Tappahonnock Ham Society 15 00:00:28,289 --> 00:00:29,942 is a brotherhoodof Southern gentlemen 16 00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:32,162 who carry out the great Virginian tradition 17 00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,164 of curing and aging hams. 18 00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:36,166 Ham the meat? The same. 19 00:00:36,210 --> 00:00:38,342 That's cool. 20 00:00:38,386 --> 00:00:39,300 Very. 21 00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:40,605 And the only wayto rise up the ranks 22 00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:42,607 in ham club is if someone dies. 23 00:00:42,651 --> 00:00:45,088 So Skip's death isfriggin' huge for me. 24 00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:46,394 And why? 25 00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:50,050 I'll get slightly better ham now. 26 00:00:50,093 --> 00:00:51,660 Thanks, Skippy. 27 00:00:52,313 --> 00:00:54,271 [ Indistinct conversations ] 28 00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:57,144 Do you have --A governing body in ham club? 29 00:00:57,187 --> 00:00:58,362 Excellent question. 30 00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:00,582 We have a president,VP, treasurer, 31 00:01:00,625 --> 00:01:03,019 and, best job of all,carver. 32 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,935 And that position is open,thanks to the big-rig tire 33 00:01:05,978 --> 00:01:07,719 that jumped through Skip's windshield. 34 00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:10,896 I was gonna ask you if hadany idea where the bathroom was. 35 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,333 The bathroom at ham club? 36 00:01:12,376 --> 00:01:14,248 It's an 18th-centuryouthouse. 37 00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:16,859 Pretty cool. 38 00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:18,295 That is pretty cool. 39 00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:19,731 ...With a red-eye gravy 40 00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:22,169 sandwiched between a fresh buttermilk biscuit. 41 00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:24,649 Mmm. Ham, you mean. 42 00:01:24,693 --> 00:01:26,695 Well, I think I'll turn in. 43 00:01:26,738 --> 00:01:30,177 Can I get you two some coffee --to go? 44 00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:31,830 No, Carol. Thank you. 45 00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:33,484 You can put the coffee in proper mugs. 46 00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:36,444 We're gonna stay a while. 47 00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:38,489 Stan, I knowthis might sound crazy, 48 00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:41,013 but I feel likeyour friend died for a reason -- 49 00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:43,929 to open up a slot for me in ham club. 50 00:01:43,973 --> 00:01:45,801 You in ham club? 51 00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:46,715 I don't think so. 52 00:01:46,758 --> 00:01:48,847 Why not?You're not a good fit. 53 00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:51,372 By that, I just mean I don't think anyone would like you. 54 00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:53,635 Also, you have a tendency to ruin all my things. 55 00:01:53,678 --> 00:01:55,680 I ruin everyone's things. 56 00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:58,335 That's mything,and now you've ruined it. 57 00:01:58,379 --> 00:02:01,077 [ Crying ] 58 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,471 ♪♪ 59 00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:05,908 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 60 00:02:05,951 --> 00:02:09,825 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 61 00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:13,089 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 62 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:17,485 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 63 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,794 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say 64 00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,232 ♪ Good -- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 65 00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:26,276 Aah! 66 00:02:27,625 --> 00:02:30,976 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 67 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,329 Roger wants to join ham club. 68 00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:37,200 Roger? No. 69 00:02:37,244 --> 00:02:38,984 Ham club has standards, Stan. 70 00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:41,378 I tried to tell him that,but he gets so emotional. 71 00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,989 He's carrying aroundhis vial of hemlock again. 72 00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,905 Does Roger even have a relationship with ham? 73 00:02:46,949 --> 00:02:47,906 None. 74 00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:49,038 So get him an interview. 75 00:02:49,081 --> 00:02:51,345 Let his lack of ham knowledge do the rest. 76 00:02:51,388 --> 00:02:53,129 That's genius. 77 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,217 I'm a friend. 78 00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:55,784 I throw his hat in the ring. 79 00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:58,830 But you coach him so he doesn't jeopardize your reputation 80 00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:01,790 with any of his typical Roger antics. 81 00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,095 I thread the needle. 82 00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:04,227 There's nothing easier. 83 00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:05,663 I know I don'tsay it enough, Klaus, 84 00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:07,317 but you're a hell of a valet. 85 00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:08,753 Don't mention it, Stan. 86 00:03:08,797 --> 00:03:10,799 The way you shit on me in front of everyone 87 00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:13,236 and pretend we don't have this special connection 88 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,412 is thank you enough. 89 00:03:17,719 --> 00:03:19,242 Oh, my God. Tuttle? 90 00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:21,026 He is such a scaredy-cat. 91 00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:23,986 Yeah, I've seen him scared tons of times. 92 00:03:24,029 --> 00:03:25,074 I've seen Jeff scared. 93 00:03:25,117 --> 00:03:27,816 Oh, yeah, I've seen, like, 20 Jeffs scared. 94 00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:31,907 Spell it with a "G," a "J,"if your name's Jeff, 95 00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:34,257 you're scared, and I've seen it. 96 00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:36,694 Check it. I'm gonna flip it on you. 97 00:03:36,738 --> 00:03:40,002 Who have you never seen scared? 98 00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:42,265 Great cue. 99 00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:45,442 You know, I've -- I've never seen Greg scared. 100 00:03:45,486 --> 00:03:47,401 That's true. Weird. 101 00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:48,793 Pfft, Greg. 102 00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:50,055 Greg the egg. 103 00:03:50,099 --> 00:03:51,056 I could scare him. 104 00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:53,320 Oh-ho-ho-ho. How would you do it? 105 00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:56,323 Easy.Come at him with an ax. 106 00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:59,108 [ Roger sobbing ] 107 00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:01,458 [ Crying ] 108 00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:03,373 Wow, Roger, this place looks great. 109 00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,549 I'll drink it, Stan.I will. 110 00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:07,247 I got you an interview with my ham club. 111 00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,987 Oh, thank you, Stan. 112 00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:10,380 I'm so friggin' amped. 113 00:04:10,424 --> 00:04:12,426 [ Grunts ] 114 00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:13,601 About that. 115 00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:15,516 Sometimes you can be a little big. 116 00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:17,953 I'll wear my girdle.I mean your personality. 117 00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:18,954 My personality? 118 00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:21,391 It's just you can be flamboyant, 119 00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:22,523 and these guys are fancy. 120 00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:24,394 You put those polar opposites together, 121 00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:26,788 and things could get --Flambancy? 122 00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:27,658 Exactly. 123 00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:29,312 So should I not be myself? 124 00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:31,227 Yes. Thanks for making this easy. 125 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,794 So how should I act? 126 00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:34,404 Buttoned-up, humble, all about ham. 127 00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:35,797 What were you thinking of wearing? 128 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,365 Two hooks for my hands,two hooks for my feet. 129 00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,067 Hello, Roger. 130 00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:46,503 I'm Ignatius Calhoun, 131 00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:49,767 22nd President of the Tappahonnock Ham Society, 132 00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:52,770 and on behalf of the membership,thank you for chatting with us 133 00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:56,470 about a subject we hold most dear. 134 00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:59,603 I speak, of course, of ham. 135 00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:01,953 [ Chuckles ] Of course. 136 00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:03,955 I know you're a friend of Brother Stan, 137 00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:07,176 so I'll get to the meat of the matter. 138 00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:09,004 Do you like ham? 139 00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,835 Roger? Your thoughts on ham? 140 00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,227 Yes, yes. 141 00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:17,665 Bottom line, there's not a thingin all God's creation 142 00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:19,623 I love more than the taste of clam. 143 00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,930 Uh, sorry.What I'm trying to say is that, 144 00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:25,194 more than anything in the world,I want in your clam club. 145 00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:26,587 Sugar. 146 00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:29,981 Obviously, you get I'm tryingto say "clam," not "clam." 147 00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:31,069 Motherfu-- 148 00:05:31,113 --> 00:05:32,810 Thanks so much. 149 00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:34,290 Pleasure. 150 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,639 Excuse my handshake. 151 00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:37,989 It's not an accuratereflection of who I am. 152 00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:42,516 He's a really nice guy, but -- 153 00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:44,039 Not a Tappahonnock man.I get it. 154 00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:45,388 I'll let him down easy. 155 00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:47,477 That wasn't so bad. 156 00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:49,087 [ Engine starts ] 157 00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,916 Whatever happens now is out of my control. 158 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,223 [ Sighs ] 159 00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:55,398 No, no, no, no, no, no. 160 00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:56,791 Ain't happening, Jack. 161 00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:59,663 Now,with status quo secure, 162 00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:02,666 shall we get downto the matter at ham? 163 00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,929 More like matter at ham. 164 00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,627 [ Laughter ]That -- that was -- 165 00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:08,585 That was my joke. 166 00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:10,805 What the hell is going on? 167 00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:12,372 ♪♪ 168 00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:13,590 Oh, shit. 169 00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:17,638 ♪♪ 170 00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:22,425 ♪ Come on, babe, why don't we paint the town? ♪ 171 00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,035 ♪ And all that ham 172 00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:29,911 ♪ I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down ♪ 173 00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:31,695 ♪ And all that ham 174 00:06:31,739 --> 00:06:34,916 ♪ Start the car, I know a whoopee spot ♪ 175 00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:38,354 ♪ Where the ham is cold, but some of it's also hot ♪ 176 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:42,576 ♪ It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl ♪ 177 00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:48,712 ♪ And all that jazz ham 178 00:06:48,756 --> 00:06:50,235 [ Song ends ] 179 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:52,150 [ Stan grunts ]So, do you think it went well? 180 00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:53,935 I just slammed you against a wall. 181 00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:57,547 Yeah, but sometimes people do that before hardcore sex. 182 00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,114 Are we --You made a fool of me. 183 00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:00,550 I never should've vouched for you. 184 00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:03,553 You owe us an apology,Smith. 185 00:07:03,597 --> 00:07:05,599 Where you been hiding this guy? 186 00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:07,688 Roger, we'd be honored 187 00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:10,038 if you'd jointhe Tappahonnock Ham Society. 188 00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:11,822 What? What? Oh, my God. 189 00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:13,563 I was so worried you wouldn't let me in 190 00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:15,739 after I did the splits and that feather went up my butt, 191 00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:17,741 but maybe you didn't notice. 192 00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,399 Ignatius: Heavenly Father, we thank You for providing this ham. 193 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,835 This ham is a good ham, 194 00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:27,577 and it is the work of Your hands. 195 00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,710 May this ham bless our bodies 196 00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:33,670 and give us the strength to endure the day. 197 00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:34,497 Amen. 198 00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:37,369 Nice [bleep] prayer,man. 199 00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:38,675 Are you nuts? 200 00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:40,416 It's your first day.Stay in your lane. 201 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,636 Geez. Got it. Sorry. 202 00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:44,594 Hey, check it out. Meat curtains. 203 00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,770 [ Laughter ] 204 00:07:46,814 --> 00:07:48,555 This guy's a live wire. 205 00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:51,514 Look at me.I'm somebody's wife. 206 00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:57,694 ♪♪ 207 00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,609 Mr. Brave, huh? 208 00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,655 That's what you're calling yourself? 209 00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:04,005 'Cause that's a bunch of crap, if you ask me. 210 00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:05,615 Hi, Francine. 211 00:08:05,659 --> 00:08:06,921 Hi? 212 00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:10,620 Let's see who's saying hi when I change your world. 213 00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:11,752 What you doing with the ax? 214 00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:15,843 This is what I'm doing with the ax, Greg! 215 00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:19,977 -Mmm. -Good gracious. 216 00:08:20,021 --> 00:08:23,677 I propose we move on to discussing glazes. 217 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,375 Now, I've been contemplating dried honeysuckle. 218 00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:27,985 Ugh, again with the ham? 219 00:08:28,029 --> 00:08:29,683 Don't you guys ever do anything else? 220 00:08:29,726 --> 00:08:31,728 This is a ham club. 221 00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:32,990 And I love ham. 222 00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:34,557 Top 10 meat, no question. 223 00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:35,906 But there's more to life. 224 00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:37,691 Like what?I don't know. 225 00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:39,562 Anyone heard of Six Flags? 226 00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:42,304 -Well, that sounds good. -What about ham? 227 00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:43,305 Arturo's smiling. 228 00:08:43,348 --> 00:08:45,742 What do you say, Iggy?Day at the park? 229 00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:46,874 You're a prime candidate 230 00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:50,530 for Yosemite Sam'sHollywood Flight School. 231 00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,532 Let's get in the car! 232 00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:56,884 -Alright, alright, alright. -I say, whoo-hoo! 233 00:08:56,927 --> 00:09:00,801 I hope my face shows how mad I am emotionally. 234 00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:04,152 Man: Stop the coaster! Something's wrong! 235 00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:05,893 Stupid Roger. 236 00:09:05,936 --> 00:09:07,372 Stan, where the heck were you 237 00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,026 during the "Looney Tunes" meet and greet? 238 00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:11,725 Arturo high-fived Speedy Gonzales. 239 00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,509 Congratulations, Roger. 240 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,903 Once again,you've ruined something I love. 241 00:09:15,946 --> 00:09:18,558 Arturo, why don't you run along and buy some churros -- 242 00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:19,733 and a basketball jersey. 243 00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:20,864 I feel overdressed. 244 00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:22,387 Probably a long shot they sell them here, 245 00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:24,433 but everyone's wearing one, so maybe. 246 00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:27,218 The club was perfect,but you just had to change it. 247 00:09:27,262 --> 00:09:28,872 You couldn't stay in your lane. 248 00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:29,786 Lane, schmane. 249 00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:31,745 Just take ham.What ham? 250 00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:32,963 Any ham. All the ham. 251 00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:35,749 Whatever "ham" you want in life,just take it. 252 00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,795 See this? It's Arturo's two-year ham. 253 00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:39,796 How'd you get that? 254 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,668 Only cabinet membersget the prestige ham. 255 00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:43,887 I took it. Did it in front of him, too. 256 00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:46,934 He didn't say shit. Here. 257 00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:52,417 Arturo, Stan ganked a piece of your two-year. 258 00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:53,549 [ Gasps ] 259 00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:57,727 See? You just took ham,and there were no repercussions. 260 00:09:57,771 --> 00:09:58,902 Whoa. 261 00:09:58,946 --> 00:10:01,992 Now picture "taking ham" in the biggest way possible. 262 00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:03,864 Doesn't have to be ham-related. 263 00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,779 What do you want most in life? 264 00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:07,519 I want to be the new ham carver. 265 00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:09,609 Yes. It didn't have to be ham-related, 266 00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:10,653 but I'm glad it was. 267 00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,742 It's settled. You're gonna be carver. 268 00:10:12,786 --> 00:10:13,874 But how? 269 00:10:13,917 --> 00:10:15,658 Put on a fresh pot, Carol. 270 00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:17,486 We're writing a candidacy poem. 271 00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:19,836 A what?Yeah, I need clarification, too. 272 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,144 Stan, it's a poem to announce, with authority, 273 00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:25,537 you're the man to carve the ham. 274 00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:26,974 Oh, we're already rhyming. 275 00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:29,324 Oh, my God, Carol. Why aren't you writing this down? 276 00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:33,328 Ham, pam, ram, bam, blam, shlam. 277 00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:34,503 Shlam!Shlam! 278 00:10:34,546 --> 00:10:36,331 I like to eat my ham. 279 00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:38,289 It makes me feel like shmam. 280 00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:40,335 Hey, another rhyme.I brought cookies. 281 00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:42,642 Not now, Carol.We're finally onto something. 282 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,861 I have nothing. I'm a fraud. 283 00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:47,777 All I can hear is the tickingof this tiny clock. 284 00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:48,865 [ Clock crashes ] 285 00:10:48,909 --> 00:10:50,911 [ Both munching ] 286 00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:52,913 I was probably too harsh on Carol. 287 00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,871 This cookie was just the sparkI needed. 288 00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:56,830 She should've knocked.Right? 289 00:10:56,873 --> 00:10:58,353 Well, we did it. 290 00:10:58,396 --> 00:11:00,094 I think it's pretty good, too. 291 00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:01,748 So, how long you been writing poems? 292 00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:03,532 Oh, God, all my life. 293 00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:07,275 Kind of what I thought I'd be,a poem-writing guy. 294 00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:11,758 ♪♪ 295 00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:17,851 "I like to eat my ham. 296 00:11:17,894 --> 00:11:20,505 It makes me feel like shmam. 297 00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:23,378 Have you seen the movie 'Kazaam'? 298 00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:24,727 But back to ham. 299 00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,381 Did you know that an imam 300 00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:28,862 is a man who leads prayers in a mosque? 301 00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:31,168 What if you pronounced imam "i-mam"? 302 00:11:31,212 --> 00:11:34,563 W-would that make you think of ham? 303 00:11:34,606 --> 00:11:36,478 My name is Stan. 304 00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:37,827 Ham." 305 00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:39,481 Roger: Ne-e-xt. 306 00:11:39,524 --> 00:11:41,570 [ Laughter ] 307 00:11:41,613 --> 00:11:44,007 What kind of dillbag writes a poem? 308 00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:45,835 The poem sucked. 309 00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:50,057 I dare say, Roger, you should bethe new ham carver. 310 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,798 Me? Okay, I'll do it. 311 00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,974 -Whoo-hoo! -My man! 312 00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:55,889 I wrote the poem, by the way. 313 00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:57,629 We loved the poem. 314 00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:02,460 Hey, bud, great meeting tonight. 315 00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:03,548 You sabotaged me. 316 00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:04,680 Well, yeah, Stan. 317 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,029 You didn't want me in your ham club. 318 00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:07,814 That really hurt my feelings. 319 00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:10,468 I didn't want you in my ham clubbecause you do things like this. 320 00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:13,297 Eh, feels like we got a "chickenor the egg" situation here. 321 00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:15,256 Besides, we bust balls in this club. 322 00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:17,084 You got to come right back at me, dude. 323 00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:19,826 Arturo actually brought that up.He's been clocking it. 324 00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,175 He's actually a pretty funny guyif you can get him 325 00:12:21,218 --> 00:12:23,264 talking about something other than... 326 00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:24,961 dinosaurs. 327 00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:30,967 Oh, God, how I want my first hamfor the club 328 00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,664 to be absolute perfection. 329 00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,666 The boys will accept only the best, 330 00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:37,582 and yet mine looks nothing like this good ham. 331 00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:40,107 Oh, bother. 332 00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:43,066 Maybe I should step away and rest my fevered mind 333 00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:46,113 and returneth anew in the freshness of the morn. 334 00:12:46,156 --> 00:12:48,898 But shall I secure my precious ham? 335 00:12:48,942 --> 00:12:49,899 Nay. 336 00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:53,163 Let it lieth here under the eyes of angels. 337 00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:57,559 For now, I seeketh repose in my chambers, 338 00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:00,997 to drift dreamward while hardcore porn blasts 339 00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:03,478 on my Samsung Galaxy 9+. 340 00:13:03,521 --> 00:13:05,001 Let's see how much your butt buddy 341 00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:08,526 Arturo loves you after he pukes his guts out. 342 00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:13,836 Roger: Oh, this gentleman doth be nice and veiny. 343 00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:20,321 My little birds tell me you skipped 344 00:13:20,364 --> 00:13:22,018 Tappahonnock last night. 345 00:13:22,062 --> 00:13:24,673 It's not like you to miss a carve, Stan. 346 00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:28,111 But it is like me to not eat poison. 347 00:13:28,155 --> 00:13:29,547 Tee-hee-hee-hee, hee-hee-hee-hee. 348 00:13:29,591 --> 00:13:31,898 You were right, Stan. I should've stayed in my lane. 349 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:35,684 Oh, was your ham not a completeand total success? 350 00:13:35,727 --> 00:13:36,859 [ All groaning ] 351 00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:38,992 Oh, my God, these menare far sicker 352 00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:41,124 than medium-strengthfood-poisoning sick. 353 00:13:41,168 --> 00:13:42,256 That's a strange way to put it. 354 00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:45,346 Uh, uh, but would you agree?Look at them. 355 00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:47,217 They're at death's door.Stay calm. 356 00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:49,524 I'll load them into a U-Haul and drive them into the ocean. 357 00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,743 Just wait.I already rented the U-Haul, Stan. 358 00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,006 It's done. Slow down. 359 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,703 We could drop them at a hospital? 360 00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:55,922 A hospital. 361 00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:58,098 Those nosy nurses will trackthis right back to me -- 362 00:13:58,141 --> 00:13:59,577 I mean us -- I mean you. 363 00:13:59,621 --> 00:14:03,146 We need to bring the mensomewhere quiet, secluded, 364 00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:04,321 where we can nurse themback to health. 365 00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:06,671 My house in Maine. It's super secluded. 366 00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:10,327 And the Maine breezes, Stan, oh, my God, they're curative. 367 00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:11,546 Okay, Maine. 368 00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:12,547 Maine? Maine. 369 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:16,159 Maine!Maine! 370 00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:17,552 Those bones look broken. 371 00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:20,076 I suggest you get to Maine immediately. 372 00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:23,906 Eh, there's only so much Maine can do. 373 00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:28,128 Mom, you're awake. You've been in a coma. 374 00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:29,433 What? 375 00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:31,696 You got hit by a truck charging across the street 376 00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,263 to scare Greg. 377 00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:37,006 Greg![ Horn honks, tires screech ] 378 00:14:37,050 --> 00:14:39,443 Look out! 379 00:14:39,487 --> 00:14:43,186 So, why are you in the hospital,Hayley? 380 00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:44,274 Are you sick, too? 381 00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:46,929 No, I'm visiting you. 382 00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:48,539 Ah. 383 00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,977 Francine, thank God you're okay. 384 00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,630 But I didn't scare you. 385 00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,850 What? We didn't think you'd make it. 386 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:55,982 You scared me terribly. 387 00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:59,072 Yeah, I did, you little bitch. 388 00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:00,856 High five, Hayley. 389 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,946 Let's do the other one.Absolutely not. 390 00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:04,947 Get it. 391 00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:07,167 Aah! Nurse! 392 00:15:09,169 --> 00:15:12,563 Now, I know sleepingin a new bed can be scary, 393 00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:16,089 but just lie backand let Maine do its work. 394 00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:18,656 Good night, you princes of ham, 395 00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,397 you kings of... 396 00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:22,660 ham. 397 00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:25,315 What are you doing? I was in there. 398 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:27,970 You were? Stan, those men are quite sick. 399 00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,406 They're not your playthings. 400 00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:31,495 Better make sure you didn't bother them. 401 00:15:31,539 --> 00:15:34,324 Roger: Here comes the tickle monster. 402 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:38,894 [ Breathes deeply ] 403 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,984 Ah, first cup of the day. 404 00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:45,074 Second cup of the day. 405 00:15:45,118 --> 00:15:48,034 Third cup of the day. 406 00:15:48,077 --> 00:15:51,167 Ah. 407 00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:53,039 Now to cure the men. 408 00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:58,958 What a mess. 409 00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:01,438 ♪♪ 410 00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:04,746 Feel that Maine breeze, men. 411 00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:05,965 It'll cure you. 412 00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:09,055 Sponge baths will also cure you, Arturo. 413 00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:11,666 Oh, I forgot my soothing eucalyptus spray. 414 00:16:13,233 --> 00:16:16,192 Wait. Did I even pack that? 415 00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:17,193 Why am I running? 416 00:16:17,237 --> 00:16:20,066 Little more breeze time. 417 00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,155 Arturo, wake up. 418 00:16:22,198 --> 00:16:24,809 Chloe Sevigny's sucking Vincent Gallo's di-- 419 00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:26,246 [ All groaning ] 420 00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:28,683 We should've done this a long time ago, Stan. 421 00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:31,816 The men are really responding to the ocean. 422 00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:35,646 Stan, have you notice how I holdmy hot drinks in Maine -- 423 00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:37,822 with two hands? I think you should try it. 424 00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:40,260 The men aren't getting better,Roger. 425 00:16:44,438 --> 00:16:47,310 Stan! Arturo escaped! 426 00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:48,616 He can't have gone far. 427 00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:50,879 Grab a few Uzis, and we'll fan out in the woods. 428 00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,186 God, I should never havelet you in this club. 429 00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:56,276 Then you couldn't have clownedme so hard after I read my poem, 430 00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:58,800 I wouldn't have gotten madand poisoned your -- 431 00:16:58,843 --> 00:17:00,062 Poisoned my what? 432 00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:02,804 Your ham.I poisoned your ham. 433 00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:05,241 Son of a bitch. You know what you did? 434 00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:08,375 You took ham. What? 435 00:17:08,418 --> 00:17:12,292 Poisoning ham is the ultimate example of taking ham. 436 00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:14,468 So you're not mad?Mad? 437 00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:16,383 I'm proud of you, man. 438 00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:18,254 [ Arturo groans, farts ] 439 00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:24,695 Arturo, what the heck are youdoing under there, you silly? 440 00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:26,436 [ Arturo groans ] 441 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,003 Wait. Did you hear that? 442 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:32,442 What? He's trying to say, "Ha-a-a-m." 443 00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:34,357 I'm not sure. Of course you're not sure. 444 00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:37,099 We don't know what we're doing.But they know. 445 00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,492 Their bodies want ham. 446 00:17:38,535 --> 00:17:40,146 We need to make a ham so good 447 00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:42,365 it'll restore their will to live. 448 00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:44,846 A redemption ham.Redemption ham. 449 00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:46,369 This ham's nice. 450 00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,284 Ooh, but this is also a nice ham. 451 00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:50,330 And get a load of this ham, Stan. 452 00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:51,722 That's the ham. 453 00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:53,159 Should we also get somepumpkin butter while we're here? 454 00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:54,812 I thinkwe have enough on our -- 455 00:17:54,856 --> 00:17:56,945 Stan, we need to focus. We have enough on our plate. 456 00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:58,294 Hands are full, Stan. 457 00:17:58,338 --> 00:17:59,948 Just buy the pumpkin butter. 458 00:17:59,991 --> 00:18:01,123 Two big ones. 459 00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,128 It seems you've rediscoveredyour passion 460 00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:09,088 for curing and aging hams. 461 00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:13,918 ♪♪ 462 00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:17,487 [ Men farting ] 463 00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:19,228 It stinks in here, right? 464 00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:20,186 Should I crack a window? 465 00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:24,277 I'm worried about the ham. 466 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,017 It's not enough. Cut it down, Stan. 467 00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:27,236 Run. Run from the farts. 468 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,195 It'll get in the ham. 469 00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,588 For those of you who participated in the farting, 470 00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:34,287 I hope you had a good laugh, but I've got a joke for you. 471 00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:35,331 Knock knock. 472 00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,812 Who's there? Not a ham to look at. 473 00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:41,032 Oh, I don't hear any laughing now. 474 00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:42,295 Sinking in, huh? 475 00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:43,600 It's sinking in what happened. 476 00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:45,559 Good. I want it to. 477 00:18:45,602 --> 00:18:47,082 Think long and hard. 478 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,780 Me? I'll be downstairs with Stan, having fun, 479 00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:52,783 looking at the ham whenever I want. 480 00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:54,394 [ Man farts ] 481 00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:56,526 Who did it? Who was it? I'll smell every ass in -- 482 00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:01,096 It's time, Arturo. 483 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,489 No. 484 00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:05,187 Not for that, silly, for me and Stan's ham. 485 00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:06,667 It's gonna be nice. 486 00:19:07,494 --> 00:19:08,973 I hope this works. 487 00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,192 So, how do you want to serve it? 488 00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,324 Real thick-like? 489 00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:13,413 Super thin.Like prosciutto. 490 00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:15,458 American prosciutto. 491 00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:17,199 Again with the correcting. 492 00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:24,250 ♪♪ 493 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,341 I don't understand. 494 00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:30,430 I can see there's no tricking you, Stan, 495 00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:31,387 so I'll just come clean. 496 00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:33,868 I poisoned our redemption ham. 497 00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:34,999 Why, you ask? 498 00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,697 Because I was having so much fun with you, 499 00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:39,526 and I knew if the men got better, we'd leave. 500 00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:41,615 I think it was just always about that. 501 00:19:41,658 --> 00:19:45,401 Joining the club, I just wanted to spend time with you. 502 00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:46,446 I'm sorry. 503 00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,056 No, I'm sorry. 504 00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:49,275 I was a jerk. 505 00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:50,754 You said no one would like me. 506 00:19:50,798 --> 00:19:52,800 I know, and I was wrong. 507 00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:54,976 Plus, you taught me to take ham. 508 00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:57,413 Do you have any ideahow big that is? 509 00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:59,850 Hug time? 510 00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:01,548 I also poisoned the first ham. 511 00:20:01,591 --> 00:20:03,245 What?The ham you poisoned? 512 00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,507 I also poisoned it. 513 00:20:04,551 --> 00:20:06,074 Like, a lot.Why'd you do that? 514 00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:07,293 To get you to Maine, man. 515 00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:08,511 How great is it here? 516 00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:09,556 Very great. 517 00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,210 You know what's not so very great? 518 00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:12,254 The men. 519 00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,822 Ah, yes, the sticky question of the men. 520 00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:16,302 I've been thinking on this, Stan, 521 00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:19,000 and when I put my mind to something, watch out, 522 00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:21,524 because great things can occur. 523 00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:24,005 Were you gonna say an idea? 524 00:20:24,048 --> 00:20:26,442 Oh, yeah. I'll stop feeding thempoison hams. 525 00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:27,748 I'll also stop poisoning their water. 526 00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,532 I've been poisoning their water. 527 00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:31,317 Although, I will say, I think they like the poison water 528 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:32,840 even though it's bad for them. 529 00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:35,016 People don't know what's good for them, Stan. 530 00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:41,675 -Let us out of here! -My family thinks I'm dead! 531 00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:43,198 There's gonna be hell to pay! 532 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:46,375 The men seem to be thriving, Roger.I'll say. 533 00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:49,378 You know, if we're gonna do thatlittle detour to Lake Champlain, 534 00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:50,945 which I would really like to do, 535 00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,642 the men will have to be subdued. 536 00:20:52,686 --> 00:20:54,949 Oh, we're doing the trip. 537 00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:58,344 Alright, piggies, it's watering time. 538 00:20:58,387 --> 00:21:02,261 Oh, boy! Water! 539 00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:04,132 Bye-bye. See you soon.