You can always count on "The Onion" to get the story.
It's America's Finest News Source.
And now, "The Onion News: America's Finest News Source,"
featuring Dana Dobbs,
Senior Correspondent, Kip Kendall,
and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer.
We begin today with news from Detroit.
Where auto making giant, American Automotive announced a safety recall
of all 2,004 cars containing neck belts.
The neck belts introduced last month
in an attempt to reduce head injuries,
have been found to cause crushed tracheas,
severe spinal damage, and violent decapitation.
Daddy, come! Hi, dad!
Today, the U.S. military announced an innovative new plan to draw new recruits.
You sign up, right now.
You get one pair of Ozzfest tickets
and a set of mud flaps for your truck.
Then, after six months of active duty,
you are eligible to receive an ounce of weed.
Sweet!
And in six more months, a bunch more weed.
You're fucking lying, I get some more--
And if you serve a tour duty during a foreign conflict,
you will receive upon your discharge this:
a hot bitch poster.
Sign me up!
The internet went down for three hours this morning,
plunging the nation into productivity.
The outage which caused major work startages from New York to California,
prevented an estimated 120 million American employees
from messing around on the Web at work.
More "Onion" news after this.
In a world without justice,
where the strong prey on the weak,
one man must face the ultimate challenge.
Master, how did they defeat me?
They used an ancient technique that strikes at the very core of a warriors' strength.
This attack, there is no defense.
Master, will you teach me?
You are not yet ready, my son.
I'm ready, Master.
No, you are not. You have much to learn.
You, my young pupil, shall become a cockpuncher.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".
No!
"Cockpuncher."
I don't think you have the balls.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
That looks awesome!
Sure it does, kids.
A real whack in the nutsack.
Honey?
Have you seen my good, black socks?
Mommy, look!
Honey?
If you've seen news happening,
call "The Onion News" Hotline.
Honey?
I cannot find my good, black socks!
Hello? "Onion News?"
We are here live, with a breaking news story.
Apparently, a local area man has misplaced his black socks.
Mr. McCormick, will you please tell us exactly what happened this morning?
Sure, um, I got up this normal morning.
Kids are downstairs.
And uh, my wife's cooking breakfast.
And all of sudden, you know, I notice that my good, black socks are missing.
Here's your boy, ma'am. Safe and sound.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
Sweetie, look!
"The Onion" news van!
Yeah...
In other news, a local eight-year-old
accidentally exercised his second amendment rights yesterday,
when he blew off his head with his father's semi-automatic rifle.
The fatal incident is being hailed by gun rights activists
as a victory for America and the Constitution.
Nobody move!
Unless you want your head blown off.
You!
Please, please don't shoot me.
I'll give you however much you want.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You think I want money?
You think that's what this is about?
A big gang black man comes walking in, waving a gun,
and you assume he's robbing the place?
I ain't looking for no goddamned handout.
I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch.
Excuse me?
You heard me.
A mothafucking job!
Don't you see?
You give me money, that'll just help me in the short-term.
But a job!
That'll help me develop valuable job skills and experience.
It's like teaching a man how to fish.
So quick stalling, get your bitch ass back there,
and give me a 40 hour a week position,
with vacation pay and benefits, you piece of shit, mothafucker,
and don't make me ask twice.
Back that ass up.
Lets go, lets go!
Can I help the next mothafucking person in line?
You in that apricot ah, sweater suit.
Get your bitch ass on over here, now!
How can I help you today?
Um, I'd like to deposit this check, please, into my savings account
and then I need to withdraw-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just-just-just shut the fuck up for a minute.
The fuck you doing, Liz Anne?
You calling the cops?
No.
That's a goddamned cop?
No, I swear. I was just on with an account holder,
I was advising him about--
I'm gonna kill you, bitch.
Who the fuck is this, you a cop?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, what I would recommend is that you keep at least 500 in your checking,
just to avoid a minimum balance fee,
and put the rest in a money market,
which will earn you an additional ah, two percent interest.
Three percent, if you keep your account open for 3,000.
Right.
You have a nice day, sir.
My pleasure.
And feel free to call us back anytime,
if you have ah, any other questions.
Uh.
Liz Anne, uh.
Sorry.
My-my bad.
That's okay.
A honest mistake.
Armed Gunman.
I've been watching you and I-I must say, I'm impressed.
How'd you like to be our new Customer Services Supervisor?
Mr. P.!
It'd be my mothafucking honor.
Happy birthday!
It's your special day!
Okay, we're gonna get you an annuity for 12 years on that one.
I'll get you, I'll get you eight percent on that one.
Everybody down now!
Get the fuck down! Everybody!
Give me all your money.
Hurry up! Hurry the fuck up!
What'd you doing? Playing back there?
Hurry up!
Hurry the fuck up!
Hurry up, bitch.
Put the money in the bag. All of it!
Load up the bag up with money and nobody else fucking moves.
You hurry up!
Hurry the fuck up!
Load the bag up. Load the bag--
You sicken me.
Asking for a handout.
Instead of raising yourself up out of your situation through hard work.
Why don't you get a job, like the rest of us?
According to statistics, 87% of U.S. citizens are obese.
And the Surgeon General is taking steps to address the problem.
As a result of the rampant spread of obesity in the U.S.,
the government has been forced to raise
the definition of obesity from 55% body fat to 90%.
The move, which reduces the number of obese Americans from 200 million to 185 million
was widely applauded from coast to coast.
It's high time the government stepped in
and did something about this problem.
I don't wanna be obese.
Man, this shit is all fucked up.
In other news, Georgia officials announced plans
to add a swastika and middle finger
to the Georgia state flag.
In technology news, television watching has become even more convenient
with Sony's introduction of a new remote control, remote control.
Damn! I'm gonna get me one of them, mothafuckers.
In what is being called the end of an era,
the nation's last English restaurant closed today.
Joe's Dinner, an unusual Atlantic-area eatery
was not based around any sports, music, or movie-based theme--
Have you spoken to Norm about the changes? - Not yet.
He's not gonna be happy.
I know but he's got no choice.
Whatever the new parent company says, goes.
Hey.
Melissa Cherry is America's biggest pop sensation.
Selling millions of records to her legions of teenage fans.
But is this young singer sending the wrong message?
Kip Kendall reports.
Her new album, "Come with Me",
has gone quadruple platinum and made her a household name.
* Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat *
* And when you hold my hand oh, I can hardly speak *
* Oh, yeah, I'm down on my knees...
But some concerned parents think Melissa Cherry's image in music are too sexy,
setting an inappropriate example for their children.
So, what do you say to all the concerned parents out there?
Well, Kip.
I honestly don't understand what all the fuss is about.
My music isn't about sex.
It's about being a girl.
And having fun.
But clearly the song "Down on My Knees", Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it?
Ew!
It's about how like,
when you have a big crush on a boy,
sometimes you get down on your knees and like, beg for their love.
* Don't tell much stuff I need to show...
What about your first big hit? "Take Me from Behind"?
"Take Me from Behind" isn't sexual at all.
It's about love's sneaking up on you, you know?
Like from the behind?
You know, it could be a boyfriend's love sneaking up on you?
Or a friend's?
Or even Jesus Christ's.
* Take me from behind
* Oh, yeah
* Mmm, oh, oh, oh
* Oh, when you love me
* You know that I don't mind * You know
* What I really want is for you *
* to take me from behind, Yeah..
Let's talk about the song, "Lollipop Love".
"Lollipop Love" is a kind of love that is just really sweet
and you just kind wanna like, lick it, you know?
And suck it.
* Lollipop
* Hey, yeah
* Lollipop
* Love lolli-la!
Hey, baby *
* Lolli-lolli-lolli-lolli pop, pop, oh *
* Lollipop Love
Like a lollipop!
What about the song "Shoot Your Love All Over Me?"
That's about, how like, when you're in love,
you just want to be covered in it.
* Oh, drown me in a milky sea
* Love all over me
Clearly, the video seems to be tell a different story.
What kind is that?
The kind with ah, cum shot.
I'm a virgin!
How would I know what a facial is?
Sometimes, I like dressing up sexy in my videos
but that's just my way of celebrating being a woman.
You know, people are always gonna try to tear you down,
but that's their problem, not mine.
Because I know who Melissa Cherry is.
She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl from Monroe, Tennessee.
The Pope condemned three more glands today,
bringing the total number of sinful hormones secretion ducts on the human body to 11.
In international news,
relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan continued to deteriorate
when Asmenistany rebels seized--
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm! Okay.
Oh, there goes Norm again.
Probably pissed.
Oh, hey, Norm. What's up?
Hey, Norman.
What the hell was that?
We'd ah, been meaning to talk to you about that, um.
It's Globby.
It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin.
The folks at Global Tetrahedron thought he'd be, you know, fun, unobtrusive way
to plug the company during the news.
Plus you gotta admit, he's pretty fucking cute.
Hi, Norm!
Who's the best anchorman in the whole world?
You are.
Come on, Norman.
You gotta get with the times, mate.
This kind of tie-ins are commonplace this days.
It's called synergy, Norm.
We cannot have a shameless ad for our parent company running during the newscast.
It's a blatant compromise
of our journalistic ethics and integrity.
Sorry, it's just that, um.
You know, what-what you're saying--
It's just a steaming pot of shit, mate.
Norm, listen.
What he's trying to say is it's ah, uh--
It's...
...hilarious!
It's off-the-wall!
It's rude, crude and uncensored.
It's the very best of "Bud Schwartz's Celebrity Roast."
Rawley Ingersoll should get cancer and die!
All the top names in the business
turn out to give each other the business.
Jack Morton, you're a fucking asshole.
You'll get all the zingers.
Fuck you!
All the comebacks.
Suck my dick!
For just $99.99, you'll get the full length video
of the best of "Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roast" delivered straight to your door.
But wait!
If you order by credit card in the next 15 minutes,
we'll thrown in a second video where the stars turn the tables and roast Bud himself.
You know what I think you are?
A fucking piece of shit!
New tapes will arrive every other month.
Keep only those you like
and return the rest for a full refund!
Order today!
I fucked his wife!
In the ass!
Oh!
More "Onion News" after this.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
Steven Seagal is "Cockpuncher".
Awesome!
Decadent, immoral, Western film!
Oh!
Awesome!
Decadent, immoral, Western film!
"Cockpuncher."
Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team,
this training video will teach you:
what angry slogans to scream,
how to blend-in to a typical American city,
Yeah.
and so much more.
Here are Ahmed and Ahman.
They may be brothers, but they couldn't be more different.
Ahmed knows punctuality is important.
He made sure to leave plenty of time to get to his bombing site.
Ahman leaves everything to the last minute.
Oh, shit!
Ahmed double-checks the address of the bombing site,
so they are no mistakes.
Ahman doesn't.
Oh, shit!
Ahmed dresses properly for work,
wearing clothing that is loose enough to hide his explosives.
Ahman dresses inappropriately.
Oh!
And don't forget, as a martyr,
you'll receive the eternal life in paradise for you and 100 of your relatives.
You'll be blessed with unlimited sex from 72 virgins.
Awesome!
$35 U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed.
Awesome!
So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team.
Where work is truly a blast.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
You gonna call Sarah? - Yeah.
Hey, you guys!
Hey. - How's it going?
What took you so long?
I was playing "Suicide Bomber".
Have you heard from Tim tonight? - No. - Mm-hmm.
Nah? That's weird.
He's gonna call Sarah.
Oh!
Yeah, yeah!
What's up players?
Lakeshore blood represent!
Yeah!
Show some love, fool.
Hey, Timmy.
Damn!
Little J?
You are looking mad fly, boo.
You feel me?
Sure, Tim.
I just bounced from this mad, crazy, ill party, dude.
I was hanging out with this niggas over at Pleasant Oaks and shit.
You were hanging out with the real black people?
No, but there was blasting some crazy, fat beats, son.
There was pouring out some Cristal,
breaking off some indo smoke.
You know what I'm saying?
Just wilding out.
Yeah.
Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos, you all straight?
Yeah? All right.
Code two, code two, intersection of 12th and Grand.
We have visual confirmation on the suspect.
Uh, this is unit one.
Hit it.
All possible units, please respond.
Uh, you know, one William Fort professing a, ah--
And this booty that was like, this is for that--
Dude, what the fuck is this?
What's going on, officers?
The arm store down the road was just held up
by a young, black male fitting your friend's description.
What the--?
What are you, what are you talking about?
It-it wasn't me.
No? Not you? - No.
Hey Frank, you see any other young, black males here in Lakeshore Bluff?
Don't see any.
What?
In the car, darkie.
But I'm-I'm not black.
I'm white.
My whole family's white.
My dad's Irish and my mom's Norwegian.
We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church.
Where I-I-I help with the bake sale every Sunday.
Settle down back there, chocolate.
Stand right over here.
Don't worry about anything.
Nobody can see you.
Now, I just want you to point to the perpetuator for me.
Him.
Okay, now for legal purposes, just tell me exactly who you're pointing to.
That...
... Negro.
Okay, thanks. You can go.
This is Dana Dobbs here at Lakeshore Bluff,
where any second now,
we'll hear the verdict in the Timothy Shanaham case.
Will the defendant please rise?
Ladies and gentlemen, have you reached the verdict?
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
We, the jury, find the Negro...
Guilty.
There you have it.
The Negro is guilty.
It's not right.
Welcome to "Focus on Film" with Kenneth Garber.
Hello.
We are now a good way through the film.
So, we thought it would be a good time to get some perspective on it
and joining us to provide just that
are Nicholas Van Essen and Raymond Marcus.
Offer us, if you will, your take on how the film is doing thus far.
Well, I'll have to say Kenneth, that I am very impressed.
Sketch after sketch, we're being treated to a...
brilliantly biting skewering of contemporary social lores.
I mean, this is poignant social satire
in the grand tradition of-of Jonathan Swift and Mark Twain.
Humph.
Well, Raymond what do you think?
I'm sorry.
I must strenuously disagree. - Ah.
This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow, potty humor thinly disguised as satire.
It saddens me that "The Onion"
has stooped to this lowest, common denominator,
pandering to the masses. - Humph.
Well, now for a third opinion, lets go straight to the source.
We have with us here in the studio, a very special guest.
Welcome, The Masses.
So, what do you think of the film?
It's pretty cool so far, I guess.
That "Cockpuncher" dude is awesome.
Bam! Right in the balls.
Oh, and Melissa Cherry.
She's fucking hot, right?
They need to do more cool shit like that.
But this part, with this film expert assholes, boring!
I mean, why do you even have this two gaywads in the movie for, anyways?
Fags!
Loser 'em.
Let's get on with the movie, dude.
Party!
Woo!
Yeah!
Fuck yeah, you fucking faggots!
Yeah.
Food for thought.
Well.
Back to the film.
Gentlemen,
experience the majestic splendor of a cruise aboard the luxurious Queen Nathan II.
On the Queen Nathan, there's so much
for today's gay men to enjoy.
Shuffleboard.
Exquisite cuisine.
Monster cocks.
Grab a pole and go deep sea fishing.
Work those muscles in our shipboard gym.
Enjoy our world class spa,
or take a thrilling Las Vegas-style review.
Yes, whether you want to scuba dive, get blown,
or play blackjack in our glamorous casino,
the Queen Nathan II is what you're looking for.
So climb aboard the Queen Nathan II.
That-that-that is not right. That's not right.
And now is time for
"Little Known Racial Stereotypes."
Yes, everyone knows that Italians are all monsters.
And Native Americans are all drunks.
But did you know that blacks love taffy?
It's also true that Eskimos run all the locksmith shops.
The Irish have enormous nipples,
and Puerto Ricans can dangle from steel beams for hours at a time.
Damn, that's unbelievable.
How does he doe that?
Uh, he's a Puerto Rican.
Also, did you know that the Dutch enjoy speaking with telemarketers?
It's a special credit card offer?
Peruvians love to swoop in and save the day at the last minute.
And they can shoot laser beams out of their eyes.
And of course, all Arabs are terrorists.
Ah, stereotypes.
Can you imagine a world without them?
According to a new U.N. factoid finding mission,
the African mission of Liberia, is about the size of Tennessee.
The mission also found that Liberia is home to 200 species of birds,
including the bee warbler.
A bird only slightly larger than a bee.
Okay!
That must be our final player.
Hi, Julie!
Hi.
Welcome!
You house is so lovely.
Oh, thank you! Come on in.
Everybody, this is Julie. Pretty cute, huh?
Have a seat.
So I understand this is your first who-done-it party?
Ah! You are going to have so much fun!
Okay.
With any luck, by the end of the night,
we'll figure out which one of us did the dirty deed.
Anyone of us could be the rapist!
I'm sorry, did you say "rapist?"
Yeah, yeah I did.
Don't this things usually revolve around um, um, murder?
Yeah, Julie, see, we do this every few months
and frankly we were getting... a little bored with murder
so I was like "I don't know,
isn't there some other violent crime we can re-enact?"
And I'm in the store the other day, and I find this.
How fantastic is that?
So anyway Julie, since you are new, lucky Julie,
you get to be the victim.
Okay?
So once you put this on.
Hop up.
Okay, so here's what's gonna happen.
The lights are gonna go out, so you lie down on the floor
we're all gonna come running in but you're gonna be unconscious.
So you stay down there.
Don't you think this is a little... sick?
Oh, sweetie! It's all in fun.
No one's actually raping you one.
I mean,
You wouldn't have a problem with a murderistic game, now would ya?
No, I guess not.
Yeah, so why would you object to a game revolving around a lesser crime
where no one even loses their life?
Wait, it's just a--
Oh, it's just a jest!
Come on, guys.
Let's play the game.
Get your cards, okay.
Is it in?
You got that on, sweetie?
Okay, get down the floor, get down the floor.
Ready for a raping?
Oh, no!
Please don't rape me!
Come on, you bitch!
No, no, please, Mr. Raperman.
Oh, fuck off!
No, no! Oh, no, what are you doing?
Shut up!
No! No!
Do not--
Shut up!
What? - Wow.
Oh, oh.
What happened here?
Um, oh, no. Um, hang on.
Uh, oh, no!
The sweet, innocent, young daughter of mayor Louis has been raped.
Lock the door!
No one is leaving until we figure out who did it.
That's excellent. - Thanks, man.
Uh, do not forget that you are a suspect, too, Officer Wilson.
Um. - That's right.
Um... who committed this rape?
Humph?
Was it... the creepy uncle?
The handsome, young, Ivy league, fraternity brother
who's used to getting what and who he wants?
Um, the prisoner, just released on parole?
That's me. - You look nice. - Thank you.
Or, the vaguely hermaphroditic night nurse
from the senior center just down the block.
Uh!
It's so creepy!
Okay! Come on.
Let's play, let's play.
Okay.
Who's got an alibi card? - Uh! - Anyone?
I've got one.
Oh, okay.
I was with my wife,
besides, that bitch has been making up stories since she was four!
You can't believe anything she says!
I don't doubt it!
I have 22 fraternity brothers who will vouch that I was with them.
Oh, I bet you do!
Okay, time to spin!
Whoa. Julie.
Uh? What?
I know this is your first time,
but you're not acting very raped.
Okay.
Oh, no, no, Julie. You can't stand up, you just been raped!
Uh, yeah, the rapist has shattered your pelvis with a baseball bat.
Um, I'm leaving.
Wha--? What?
Where are you going?
Shouldn't-- Come--
Julie! What?
Now, what?
I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me.
Not me.
Taffy.
God-fucking blacks! Uh!
The nation's anti-tobacco lobby won another victory today,
when Congress passed legislation restricting smoking within U.S. borders,
to a single room in Iowa.
Traffic was backed-up from Nevada all the way to Iowa,
as smokers tried to get to the lounge.
Move the car, you old, fucking bitch!
Smokers from across the country are making the long journey
to the ten by ten smokers' lounge in Des Moines, Iowa.
I drove all the way from San Francisco
just to sneak a smoke-in on my lunch break.
I'm supposed to be back at work in ten minutes.
It's 37 hour drive.
It's fucking bullshit.
In legal news,
a judge has declared local aerobics instructor
and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter,
"too fit to stand trial."
Judge Edwards Collin, said that the suspect,
with her washboard abs and powerful leg muscles
is of "too-sound body" to be tried for the killing of her ex-lover.
We're the new guys in town.
We're Peen-out. America's penis recovery professionals.
Local sculptor, Thomas Miller,
is under fire by feminist leaders for turning women into objects.
The sculpture, who has been called
a sexist, objectifying pig, by women's rights activists,
has reported to turn more than 80 women
into silent, passive, marble sculptures.
According to a report in this month's issue of the Des Moines' Journal of Medicine--
According to a new medical study,
depression hits losers hardest.
The study found that extreme, debilitating depression,
most commonly afflicts those who are total screw-ups.
Who can't do anything right.
* Are you ready ?
* Baby when we kiss My heart just skips a beat *
* And when you hold my hand, Oh, I can hardly speak *
* But there's one kind of loving that you can't do face to face *
* Let me give you some affection just below your waist *
* Oh, yeah I like that.
* I'm down by my knees for you
* I'm begging this please, for you *
* Got so much love I need to show it *
* It's a big job, Don't want to blow it *
* Oh, yeah
* Oh
* Baby
* Down on my knees, begging please, please *
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
Stephen Seagal is--
Hey! - Welcome to Vault Village.
My name is Derrick.
What can I help you find today?
Hey Derrick!
Um, my computer is a few years old
and I thought I'm ready for a new one.
I got just the thing.
The Bates 4,000.
Absolute cutting edge.
This babies came in on Tuesday.
They're packed, man.
80 G's of RAM
We're talking a quad port 900 processor,
D.B.K. compatible memory card, dual-burning DVD drives,
plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo drive
with a plus four digital upgrade card.
This will knock the shit out of your ass.
Well, I'm just looking for your basic, simple, home computer.
I know, your wife has you by the purse strings, but you know what?
This is the Bates 4,000, it doesn't get any better than this.
It's not going anywhere.
This is the future.
Well, I have the Bates 1,000 and that works--
Oh, excuse me. You have the Bates 1,000?
Oh, that's great! Fuck man, wow!
You know, maybe you should talk to a homeless woman outside
'cause maybe she'll be impressed.
Those things are barbaric.
I mean, last time I checked, they didn't even have a delete key on it.
I'm-I'm joking, of course.
But look, this the future. You get my point?
Yeah. - Okay?
Let's write you up.
All right. Let's do it.
All right, my friend.
Wow, honey.
Are you sure we need such a fancy one?
Yeah, this thing's got a quad port 900 processor
and a 16,000 C.T.D. combo drive with a--
Dude, you're still not using the Bates 4,000, are you?
That thing's ancient.
Really? Really.
You gotta get you one of these...
the Bates 5,000.
Absolute cutting edge.
Wow! That is newer.
Thanks!
The new Bates 5,000!
Throw your 4,000 away.
It's a piece of shit.
* Hard Drive Hal
This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert.
My guest today is Bates CEO, Gil Bates.
Now, he's here to talk about perhaps the most powerful machine ever built--
the Bates 6,000.
And it's available in stores right now.
Asshole!
Hey, I just dropped off this shipment of the Bates 7,000.
Now, what do you want me to do with the leftover 6,000?
6,000s?
Throw them in the fucking garbage where they belong.
That's right!
Twice the memory capacity of the 8,000.
Mr. Bates, you have a visitor.
Hang on.
Come in.
Hi.
Huh!
Na-na-na-na-nanah!
Bates was 42.
In other news, after a six month stint at the Betty King clinic,
actor Bryce Brand finally returned home today.
That's right Norm.
I'm here outside superstar Bryce Brand's Hollywood Hills mansion
where at any moment, he's due to return from his stay at the Betty King clinic.
Bryce!
Papi Baby!
Bryce. - Papi Baby!
Papi Baby!
I'm back!
You look great.
I cannot tell you how good I feel now
that I'm off the drugs and high on life.
Hey. That's what they're saying.
Oh!
Man,
was I a mess!
But all that's changed now that I'm clean and sober.
You know, I never knew how amazing life can be without the haze of drugs.
It's the little things like...
...smelling flowers.
Humph.
Or watching the sunset.
Or just walking along the beach.
You know, this things get me way higher than drugs ever could.
That's great, um, Bryce.
So, we have got a lot of catching up to do with your career.
Now, I brought a script.
It's fantastic.
Actually, your part is comedic.
Uh, it's sort of a Hawaii-- - This can't be real.
It's so amazing! It's blowing my mind, man!
Smell this!
No, thank you.
Though, um, back to the script, again,
Papa! it took a lot to get this--
One thing sobriety has taught me
is that you have to take time out
to enjoy life's little pleasures.
Can you put the tea down for a second?
Bryce.
Oh, my God! - Bryce.
Oh, my God!
Brandon will spent eight weeks in an intensive re-tox program at a trendy L.A. nightclub.
Thanks, Dana.
Nice work.
Really?
Great job.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
At "Onion News," I'm Dana Dobbs.
The nation's rapidly growing prison population,
which recently passed the 20 million mark,
has created a severe overcrowding problem.
In an attempt to alleviate the overcrowding,
the government announced today, that a random selection of U.S. households
will be asked to take prisoners into their homes.
Hi.
Uh...
I'm Dick.
Thi-this is my wife, Sarah.
This is our daughter Ally.
And this is our son, Bobby, he's ten.
Welcome.
To our home.
What's up?
Oh, come on, bitch!
Don't drop this shit on me, bitch.
Lift!
What the fuck are you doing?
Don't just stand there.
Get your man something to drink!
Damn, it's good to see some women.
Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
Mister Prisoner, my tattoo hurts.
Lights out, guys.
If successful,
another 20,000 prisoners will be moved to suburban homes by the first of next month.
Hello and welcome once again to "Focus on Film."
I'm Kenneth Garner and...
I'm joined by Kwame Roberts, President of the National Coalition of African Americans,
and James Nakatami, Director of the Asian American Alliance for Equality.
Mr. Roberts, let's start with you.
Your organization is not pleased with this film's depiction of African Americans.
Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth.
Uh, we are just about halfway through the film
and we have yet to see a dignified portrayal of a person of color.
So far, we've only been shown as um, vicious criminals or sex fiends.
Just take a look at that last sketch.
So, what specifically is your group demanding?
Either the filmmakers put a positive black role model
on that screen in the next ten minutes,
or we will be organizing a nationwide walk-out of black moviegoers.
That means every single African American currently watching this film,
will exit the theater.
Mr. Nakatami, are you equally unhappy?
Thus far, there are maybe one
or at the most two, three Asian faces in the film.
How do you feel about such gross under representation?
Um, me no rikey.
Excuse me?
Me, no rikey.
Aren't you the guy who played Long Duk Dong in "Sixteen Candles?"
Uh, me no rikey.
And...
...back to the film.
In legal news,
local 18-year-old, Joey Franco,
is suing for the right to be sexually harassed in the workplace.
Franco, an employee of Carl's coffeeshop in Phoenix,
alleged that during his three years there,
not a single female coworker made inappropriate sexual advances toward him.
Either verbal, or physical.
In other news, health officials have confirmed that a potentially airborne virus
has been spreading across eastern Canada.
And is now moving South towards the coast of--
Hey Norm!
Hey, Norm! Okay.
Oh, there goes Norm again.
Probably pissed.
All right, listen to me. - Hi, Norm.
Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's movie via a goddamned penguin.
Our job is to deliver to the American people,
fair, balanced, hard-hitting news.
In this crazy world, "The Onion" may be the only news source that people can truly trust.
Oh, don't be so naive, Norman.
This is a business.
Listen to me.
I know you're not gonna want to hear this,
but the suits of Global Tetrahedron
want you to open up Friday's broadcast
with a slightly different lead story.
Wha--?
But Friday is the day Azmenistan gave Sloravia
as a deadline for pulling out of the Uzbagiyak region.
That's also the day that "Cockpuncher" opens.
I mean, this Asmenistany grand thing
is all well and good, right?
But it's million miles away.
Nobody gives a fuck about it.
The more important news story right now, is "Cockpuncher" mania.
It's sweeping the nation.
And it better sweep your newscast, Friday.
Take a putt.
No?
You owe me a pound, you son of a bitch, I made that last one.
From Global Tetrahedron Pictures,
Stephen Seagal is "Cockpuncher." Awesome!
You damn, whorish, corporate plugs.
I'm a newsman, dammit.
Oh!
"Cockpuncher"
I don't think you have the balls.
Oh, I cannot wait for Friday.
Excuse me, sir.
What can I get you?
Uh, no, thank you.
I don't drink or use drugs, for that matter.
No.
I was just wondering if you could give me directions to the local library.
Um, two blocks down and a left on Second.
Thank you very much. You have a wonderful evening.
Hmm-mmm.
Are you okay?
Thank you. You have a wonderful evening.
Ah, fuck!
Help.
Has your penis become stuck in a library book return slot?
Call Kostman's. The Penis People.
We've been a tri-county area's penis retrieval experts for 64 years.
We'll get any penis out of any slot for $39.95.
That's my personal guarantee.
So don't just sit there, hoping your penis will somehow, magically free itself.
Call Kostman's.
They got my penis out.
They've got my penis out.
They got all our penises out.
Kostman's, the Penis People.
This week's campaign is gonna rule!
I can't wait for the assault on Castle Dragon Flame.
I know, it's gonna be super, totally awesome!
I have a third-level Elven Cleric,
I can't wait to pit against my foes.
Yeah, well uh, don't count on being too awesome.
Look who just showed up.
Well... what have we stumbled upon here?
Oh, shit.
Dare you challenge the mights of Proteous the Invincible?
Ah.
I see there are some beardless saplings with us this afternoon,
who've ne'er tasted my blade.
This douchebag ruins everything.
Prepare for total devastation.
The magical wizardry,
expert chaos, techniques,
and incomparable equipment roster.
Proteous the Invincible will make short work of all pretenders to the throne.
Okay, Lial.
How's about letting some of the younger guys have a chance today?
Okay?
When it comes to "Wizards and War Beasts,"
I expect no quarter and none should be given!
Now that I've readied my provisions
for the day's foyer into the fairy realms,
let the slaughter begin!
None remain standing before me.
All have fallen before the might of my broad sword.
This is bullshit. I'm leaving.
I hope you're happy Lial.
You just ruined another Saturday for the whole gaming club.
What care I for the sniveling excuses of the weak?
They shall bow before my wrath!
In the realm of fantasy, only the strongest will survive to conquer another day.
Whatever.
Alas...
The day's adventuring is now done
and I must take the number two bus back home.
If only I could live in the world of fantasy forever.
Instead of being forced to put up with this banal realm
and it's silly, weak-minded mortals.
Oh, how I wish I could live in the realm of "Wizards and War Beasts."
Ruling the land as a mightly conqueror,
smiting orcs and ogres alike with my trusty, broad sword.
Proteous the Invincible?
I've heard your plea.
Uh, oh, oh, oh, wh-what?
Who Who goes there?
It is I, Gonthax, demon of the astral plane.
Never before have I seen your equal on mortals that play this game.
What's going on?
Guys.
I have chosen to grant your wish, Proteous the Invisible.
Come forth into the land of legends.
God, where am I?
Ow!
Oh, God, where am I?
Proteous.
Prepare to piss thyself, human.
No, no, no.
Please.
Fucking geek.
- After last night's heartbreaking loss in Los Angeles,
basketball star Dashante Jackson, had harsh words for the Lord.
You know, I would like to put the blame on God tonight.
For not blessing me with the talent
to hit the game with a three-pointer tonight.
You know what, without him, I would truly be going to the playoffs.
Bitch, I don't know why you do this shit to me.
In news from our nation's capital,
a group of Alzheimer's Disease sufferers
marched on Washington today, demanding a cure for pancakes.
Until this tea kettle is cured,
there will never be enough bread in the laundry.
Ding dong!
Karate!
* It's been building up so long Yeah, yeah, yeah *
* And that feeling is oh, so strong *
* Oh So, baby *
* Shoot your love all over me
* Oh, drown me in a milky sea
* Love all over me
Oh!
* Two unite for eternity
* Oh, yeah, yeah
* When I look at you, baby
* I see a man who loves fun
* But could good is it to make locked away in that trunk *
* I don't need more roses
* Now that would be just breathless *
* The gift I want from you From you *
* Is my very own pearl necklace *
Oh, shit.
* Shoot your love all over me
* Hey
* Drown me in a milky sea
* Love all over me
* Oh, baby *
Hi, I'm Michael Bolton.
Did you know that all over the world,
there are millions of children living in extreme poverty?
For more than forty years, the What About The Children Foundation
has been making a difference in the lives of kids throughout the Third World.
And so can you,
by adopting a What About The Children sponsor child.
But don't take my word for it. Take Dibo's.
Hello, I am Dibo.
Come!
Thanks to What About The Children,
Dibo has seen his standard of living
swell well above the level of his pathetic, poverty-stricken village.
What About The Children Foundation
is able to provide a child like Dibo,
with some of the little things in life, we so often take for granted.
Thanks, G.
Like electricity,
fresh drinking water,
indoor plumbing,
a 42-inch plasma screen television,
the latest Sony Playstation videogame,
1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets,
a subscription to "The Wall Street Journal"
and selections from Marc Jacobs' Men Spring collection.
Get your own fucked up family!
Thank goodness the McCormick's sent me a security system to kept these animals out.
Thank you, Dibo.
It's stories like yours that make it all worthwhile.
In breaking news, we now join Dana Dobbs in Lakeshore Bluff.
Where a verdict has just been handed down in the Timothy Shanaham trial.
Dana, what's the latest on the situation?
Well Norm, as you can see,
I'm here outside the First District Federal Courthouse,
where this angry mob of Negroes
is rioting over the guilty verdict in the Timothy Shanaham case.
We will keep you posted.
Thanks, Dana.
Thank you, Norm.
Those crazy Negroes.
Enter.
Pardon me, General. Your meeting's about to start.
Ah.
So as you can see, generals.
Death Co amalgamated's M47 Jumping Johnny landmine
earned a triple A-rating, in field trials
and boasts a 98% kill-through ratio.
Making it the best landmine for the government's dollar.
Nah.
We're gonna pass.
Thanks, anyway.
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck... fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck...
You call yourself a salesman?
We spent 400 billion dollars in the company's money
developing these landmines for the military.
You better find a way to unload this things!
Tired of backbreaking yard work?
Then jump back!
For Jumping Johnny!
Jumping Johnny blasts weeds to pieces,
brags ragweed,
crabgrass,
dandelions,
and rabbits,
raccoons,
even elephants!
So, what are you waiting for?
Get Jumping Johnny today!
It's now time for our weekly, inspirational portrait.
This week, Brendan Laroux story.
Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams.
As a young boy, he wanted to become a dancer.
But at the age of 12, he lost his legs.
Now, this would be a setback for any youngster.
But while his lack of lower limbs
may have stopped him from walking,
they didn't stop him from pursuing his dream.
My whole life,
playing pro hockey is all I ever wanted to do.
And I was determined to do whatever it took to make it.
From age seven on, I practiced... every day.
People said I was crazy.
They said, you know, only people with legs can make it in pro hockey.
But I didn't let the naysayers get to me.
In 1988, a 12-year-old Brendan got his first big break.
When he joined the Moose Jaw Bearcats junior boys' team.
People said the only reason I made the team,
was because the coach felt bad for me.
You know what?
That only made me more determined to succeed.
Two years later,
that determination would once again be put to the test
when doctors informed Brendan that...
he would have to have his wrists removed.
For that young man it was, a difficult but inspiring time.
Without my wrists, there was...
nothing to keep my hands attached to my arms, so.
Even though my hands were fine, I... I lost them, too.
Now, Brendan may not have had as many hands and legs as the other boys,
but he more than made up for that with hard work and sweat.
He quickly moved through the junior ranks.
And in 1997,
he got the call he'd been waiting for his whole life.
The coach said,
"How would you like to be Pearl Hockey's first legless, handless player?"
And I said,
"Coach, I'm your man.
I'm your man."
It was an inspiring night.
Full of... inspiration.
Then, two days later,
Brendan found out that his rib cage was backwards, leaving the spine exposed.
That he needed a complete, muscle transplant.
The risky surgery lasted 720 hours.
Brendan came back better than ever.
Brendan persevered and was selected MVP.
Just when it seemed like the dark clouds had finally passed,
Brendan contracted scurvy,
went bankrupt and his wife was... eaten by wolves.
He was also molested by his uncle Jerry.
Today, Brendan's journey has opened the door for many athletes
who never would've been given a chance
if he hadn't broken down pro sports physical ability barrier.
Athletes like Emma Heathcoat, cerebral palsy sufferer
and three-time National Equestrian champ.
Blind stockcar driver, Bobby Templeton.
Deaf Olympic sprinter, Craig Connors.
Gil Sereman, the world's first professional comatose diver.
And of course, Chicago's shooting guard, Herby Cohen,
who was born with Judaism.
Yes, none of it would have been possible
without Brendan Laroux, a true, inspirational portrait.
In adult entertainment industry news,
the nation's porn stars gathered today in Los Angeles,
in a unified demand for stronger, more intense sexual intercourse.
Fuck me with your big cock!
Give it to me harder.
Fuck me 'til I explode!
Calling the tragedy a terrible, unintentional mistake,
the Los Angeles Police Department issued an apology today
for the accidental shooting,
clubbing,
stabbing,
firebombing,
choking, impaling,
electrocution,
legal injection death
of an African American man.
I'm Kepp Kendall, reporting for "The Onion News."
As the conflict between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepens,
college campuses across this country
have become a hotbed of political activity.
We're here in Santa Cruz, California today.
Let's listen in.
Stop violence.
Stop the violence.
Stop the mothafucking violence!
Increase the peace!
For the past three years,
Sloravia and Azmenistan have been locked in a pointless and bloody war.
Their cowardly leaders sent innocent, young men into battle to die.
To die.
Well, you know what?
We need to put those leaders in a room and let them fight it out!
You know what else?
What this countries need to do,
they need to do,
they need to listen to their women a little more.
Yeah!
'Cause women, women create life.
While men, they destroy it.
So let's all stand up against the corporate war machine
that only exists to do the imperialistic agenda
against the... the oppressed minority!
Right?
Love you, love you brother!
Peace!
Go on, love!
Excuse me, Chad.
What's up?
We're the U.N. and let me just say, we are very impressed.
What you said up there was dead on, Chad.
Dead-on.
What?
We want you to negotiate talks between Sloravia and Azmenistan.
Shut up, dude.
- We're convinced you're the man who can finally bring peace to this troubled region.
- Will you do it, Chad?
Will you help us... increase the peace?
Fuck yeah!
Fuck yeah, dude, I'm in.
- Great. Will you come with me, please?
Yeah.
Your systematic campaign of aggression against my country is the reason--
Our military operations are purely in the response
for your repeated violation of the treaty!
You are the one to violate the peace treaty--
We?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys!
Guys, chill.
Chill.
Let's take a chill pill here.
Don't you guys realize that,
war no matter how justified it may seem,
is not the answer.
It's not?
No, man.
Love is the answer.
Now.
Let's get this peace shit started.
* A baby is born An old man dies *
* One child's laughing while another one cries *
* Seasons change right before my eyes *
* Sun comes up The sun goes down *
* The world takes another spin around *
* Tide goes out Tide goes in *
* Life goes on, on again *
In international news,
the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepened today
when the leaders of the two rival nations--
Hey America!
Get ready to... punch some cock!
Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region.
If it's not our lead story, consider it my resignation.
"Cockpuncher" mania.
Two minutes, Norm.
And now, "The Onion News,"
America's Finest News Source. - Honey, it's about to start.
Featuring Dana Dobbs,
Senior Correspondent, Kepp Kendalls,
and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer.
Good evening.
For the past 27 years, I sat at this desk,
dedicating myself to one thing,
delivering the news to you, the American viewing public,
in the most fair, balanced, serious way possible.
What's he doing?
Well. Things are changing in the news game.
And I've been under pressure to change with them.
Desperate to stay one step ahead of the competition,
the powers that be at this network
have done everything they can to get me to compromise my values.
To attract more of those precious, Nielsen eyeballs.
And once I get those eyeballs, what do they want me to do?
Plug our parent company's movies and other products
like a two bit, network news whore.
Motherfucker!
Well.
I've been giving this whole, ugly business a lot of thought.
In just a few moments before going on the air tonight, I finally came to a conclusion.
And that conclusion is--
Nobody move!
Or the anchor infidel dies!
The Al-Q'Utaya Terrorists' Organization officially declares war
on the decadent, immoral, United States of Satan.
We shit on your country!
And piss also!
It was good.
Tonight, on live television, the American people will watch
this great spreader of Western lies get blown into pieces.
Cutting the cameras.
Unless, the United States government formally apologizes
for it's rotting, immoral culture.
And withdraws all troops from the Middle East.
Like that's gonna happen.
Are you listening...
... Mr. President?
We might be fucked, sir.
We will do it.
We will kill him right here,
if you do not meet our demands.
- Oh, yeah?
I don't think you have the balls.
Cockpuncher!
Ahmed.
It is the mighty puncher of cocks!
How nice of you to join us...
... Cockpuncher.
We've been expecting you.
Allow me to introduce the Al-Q'Utaya Terrorist Organization.
I'm hungry.
I could sure go for a Sunday topped with...
... crushed nuts.
Yummy!
Come on, Cockpuncher!
Go get them!
Give him a rock!
I believe you will be releasing Norm now.
Not so fast... Cockpuncher.
Cockblocked.
The clever terrorist.
They blocked their cocks.
- Maybe I can be of some assistance?
You don't want to hurt Norm.
Melissa Cherry!
You don't wanna hurt America.
This is the greatest, gosh darned country in the whole, wide world.
Oh, she is--
Denis, give me a drink.
Where else can you take a shot at our dreams and make them come true?
Where else can you take a stand for what's right?
And change millions of minds.
And most importantly, where else can you take me from behind?
Hit it boys!
* Oh, when you love me
* You know that I don't mind
* What I really want is for you *
* to take me from behind, yeah *
* And when you want me
* You know that I don't mind
* Oh, and what I really want is for you...
Come on, Cherry.
What the fuck is going on?
* Oh
* And when you love me
* You know that I don't mind No, no *
* What I really want is for you to take me from behind *
* Yeah, and when you love me
* You know that I don't mind Oh *
* And what I really want is for you to take me from behind *
* Oh, yeah, I don't mind...
Ahman!
Think unsexy thoughts!
Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.
Think unsexy thoughts!
Your immoral, Western sexuality will not work on us.
Mr. President, the time has come to give in to our demands.
If we do not hear from you in ten seconds,
we will kill everyone in this studio.
We might be fucked, sir.
Ten!
Nine!
Eight!
Seven!
Six!
Five!
Four!
Three!
Two!
One!
Not so rapido!
Peruvians!
Daddy, what's a Peruvian?
It's kind of like a Mexican, son.
Viva Peru.
Que viva.
You Cockpuncher, amigo
You know Ahman, violence is almost never necessary.
I admit.
I've punched thousands upon thousands of cocks in my life,
but I've never killed anyone
because no matter what your religion might be,
no matter what your politics might be,
no matter how much money is involved,
there's never any reason to take human life.
Human life is the most previous thing there is.
Fuck aye, man.
That's some cool shit, man.
You know what?
You are absolutely right, Cockpuncher.
Violence is not the answer.
Terrorism never solved anything.
To hell with terrorism!
Yeah! Yeah.
I'm sick and tired of living in a fucking cave.
I'm sick of doing nothing but cursing the West all day.
Jesus aged Allah.
I like the West.
Good bless America.
I like TV.
And I like bacon, double cheese burgers.
Woo-hoo!
And I like the rapping music.
But most of all, I like this big budget action hero.
Long live the mighty puncher of cocks!
Woo!
Hey, Norm.
Crazy shit, huh?
With all due respect, we just wanted to ask...
What-what were you going to say during your speech?
Yeah, we were wondering
what the conclusion that you came to was.
Well, I was going to say, "I'm mad as hell,
I'm not going to take it anymore."
But after what just happened,
I think I learned a little lesson I won't soon forget.
As a matter of fact,
I think we've all learned a few things in the past 90 minutes.
We've learned that Irishmen have huge nipples,
we've learned that film critic intellectuals are a bunch of gaywads.
And most of all, we've learned...
... creeping corporate influence over the news protects us from terrorism.
Hey, everybody.
We're all gonna get laid!
Cannonball!
Um, I can't help but think it must have taken a lot courage to make such a provocative film.
And joining us to discuss just that,
is the man who green-lit the film.
Thanks, Kenneth. Pleasure to be here.
So, uh...
Now while you gave the makers of this film tremendous leeway, obviously,
still, there was some material that you simply refused to allow?
That's true.
Basically, as committed as I was
to letting this guys be free to do their thing,
there were simply some images that I just didn't feel comfortable with.
Hmm-mmm. But I understand you did bring some clips.
That's right, uh, I would like to show some special bonus material.
This are scenes that didn't make it into the movie.
Great.
Let's take a look.
What we do, is we get the kitty
and we put it in a simple egg batter.
Oh, shh, that's fine.
And then we just simply roll it around,
making sure we cover the whole thing, entirely.
Making sure it's completely covered in an herb, bread crumb batter.
Here. - I see. Okay,
thank you. And then-- oh, oh!
--the canola oil.
You know, I think you have to draw a line somewhere.
For the Onion News, this is Norm Archer.
Fuck you and good night.