1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000 Cleaned, corrected and re-synced for the 25fps version of the Idiocracy.2006.HDTV.720p.x264.YIFY release by Tronar 2 00:00:37,890 --> 00:00:40,443 As the 21st century began... 3 00:00:40,545 --> 00:00:43,928 human evolution was at a turning point. 4 00:00:44,033 --> 00:00:48,768 Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest... 5 00:00:48,866 --> 00:00:52,281 the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest... 6 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:56,063 a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man... 7 00:00:56,161 --> 00:00:58,463 now began to favor different traits. 8 00:00:58,562 --> 00:01:00,384 The Joey Buttafuoco case... 9 00:01:00,482 --> 00:01:04,126 Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized... 10 00:01:04,226 --> 00:01:06,233 and more intelligent. 11 00:01:06,338 --> 00:01:10,200 But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. 12 00:01:10,305 --> 00:01:12,193 A dumbing down. 13 00:01:12,290 --> 00:01:14,232 How did this happen? 14 00:01:14,338 --> 00:01:17,469 Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. 15 00:01:17,570 --> 00:01:19,992 With no natural predators to thin the herd... 16 00:01:20,098 --> 00:01:23,262 it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most... 17 00:01:23,362 --> 00:01:27,323 and left the intelligent to become an endangered species. 18 00:01:28,449 --> 00:01:32,727 Having kids is such an important decision. 19 00:01:32,834 --> 00:01:34,208 We're just waiting for the right time. 20 00:01:34,305 --> 00:01:36,542 It's not something you want to rush into, obviously. 21 00:01:36,642 --> 00:01:38,464 No way. 22 00:01:38,561 --> 00:01:40,863 Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again! 23 00:01:40,962 --> 00:01:43,929 Shit! I got too many damn kids! 24 00:01:44,034 --> 00:01:47,132 - I thought you was on the pill or some shit! - Hell, no! 25 00:01:47,234 --> 00:01:49,121 Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany. 26 00:01:49,217 --> 00:01:51,257 Brittany? No, you didn't! 27 00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:54,296 - There's no way we could have a child now. - Mm-mm. 28 00:01:54,402 --> 00:01:56,289 Not with the market the way it is, no. 29 00:01:56,385 --> 00:01:58,622 God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense. 30 00:01:58,721 --> 00:02:01,536 Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you! 31 00:02:01,634 --> 00:02:04,187 Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here. 32 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:07,421 - She don't mean nothin' to me, baby! - Clevon! 33 00:02:07,522 --> 00:02:10,456 Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me! 34 00:02:10,562 --> 00:02:13,726 Well, we finally decided to have children... 35 00:02:13,825 --> 00:02:17,687 and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well. 36 00:02:17,794 --> 00:02:19,616 And this is helping. 37 00:02:19,714 --> 00:02:22,714 I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to... 38 00:02:22,786 --> 00:02:24,608 It's always me, right? 39 00:02:24,706 --> 00:02:27,935 Well, it's not my sperm count. 40 00:02:28,034 --> 00:02:30,489 Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all! 41 00:02:30,593 --> 00:02:32,284 That's my boy! 42 00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:34,590 Whoo! Whoo! 43 00:02:36,418 --> 00:02:38,240 Clevon is lucky to be alive. 44 00:02:38,338 --> 00:02:40,574 He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake... 45 00:02:40,674 --> 00:02:43,772 into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate. 46 00:02:43,874 --> 00:02:45,849 But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research... 47 00:02:45,953 --> 00:02:48,801 and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler... 48 00:02:48,897 --> 00:02:51,003 Clevon should regain full reproductive function. 49 00:02:51,105 --> 00:02:52,927 Get your hands off my junk! 50 00:02:56,994 --> 00:02:59,961 Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack... 51 00:03:00,066 --> 00:03:02,073 while masturbating... 52 00:03:02,177 --> 00:03:05,145 to produce sperm for artificial insemination. 53 00:03:05,249 --> 00:03:07,071 But I have some eggs frozen... 54 00:03:07,169 --> 00:03:10,715 so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know... 55 00:03:14,786 --> 00:03:17,175 And so it went for generations... 56 00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,965 although few, if any, seemed to notice. 57 00:03:20,065 --> 00:03:25,597 But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D. C... 58 00:03:25,698 --> 00:03:29,473 a simple army librarian was unknowingly... 59 00:03:29,569 --> 00:03:33,312 about to change the entire course of human history. 60 00:03:33,409 --> 00:03:35,100 Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail! 61 00:03:39,201 --> 00:03:40,761 Hey, Bauers. 62 00:03:40,866 --> 00:03:43,255 This is Peterson, your new replacement. 63 00:03:43,361 --> 00:03:47,071 - My what? I'm gettin' replaced? - Yeah, they didn't tell you? 64 00:03:47,170 --> 00:03:49,177 - No. - Some new assignment. 65 00:03:49,282 --> 00:03:51,485 They're being all weird and hush-hush about it. 66 00:03:51,585 --> 00:03:54,302 I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time. 67 00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:58,014 - I'm good at this. - Good at what? Sittin' on ass? 68 00:03:58,113 --> 00:04:00,601 No one ever comes in here. 69 00:04:00,706 --> 00:04:03,804 Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up. 70 00:04:03,906 --> 00:04:06,841 If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension. 71 00:04:06,945 --> 00:04:09,945 I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this? 72 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:12,668 No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up. 73 00:04:12,769 --> 00:04:16,959 Jesus. I don't understand. Why me? 74 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:20,538 Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way. 75 00:04:20,641 --> 00:04:24,122 When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." 76 00:04:24,225 --> 00:04:28,120 It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following. 77 00:04:28,225 --> 00:04:30,014 That doesn't embarrass me. 78 00:04:30,114 --> 00:04:31,936 Look, Joe. You don't have a choice. 79 00:04:32,034 --> 00:04:33,790 You're just gonna have to follow. 80 00:04:33,889 --> 00:04:36,256 Like, follow me upstairs, like, now. 81 00:04:36,353 --> 00:04:39,965 Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy? 82 00:04:40,066 --> 00:04:44,092 I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go. 83 00:04:50,882 --> 00:04:53,816 Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers... 84 00:04:53,922 --> 00:04:56,922 our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment. 85 00:04:57,025 --> 00:04:58,880 Now, as you know, throughout the years... 86 00:04:58,978 --> 00:05:01,345 many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... 87 00:05:01,442 --> 00:05:03,547 often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle. 88 00:05:03,649 --> 00:05:08,188 With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men... 89 00:05:08,289 --> 00:05:11,104 frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most. 90 00:05:11,202 --> 00:05:14,780 Joe, here, is not one of our best men. 91 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:19,322 Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is. 92 00:05:19,426 --> 00:05:23,898 Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly. 93 00:05:24,001 --> 00:05:26,652 The most average person in our entire armed forces. 94 00:05:26,754 --> 00:05:29,175 Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried... 95 00:05:29,282 --> 00:05:31,485 is an only child, and both parents are deceased... 96 00:05:31,585 --> 00:05:35,098 making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... 97 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,176 should something go wrong with the experiment. 98 00:05:37,281 --> 00:05:41,656 We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks... 99 00:05:41,762 --> 00:05:45,656 and were forced to look into the private sector. 100 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:49,078 This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family. 101 00:05:49,186 --> 00:05:51,804 Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... 102 00:05:51,905 --> 00:05:55,800 in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee. 103 00:05:55,905 --> 00:05:59,451 We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp... 104 00:05:59,554 --> 00:06:03,416 a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly... 105 00:06:04,962 --> 00:06:08,955 With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping. 106 00:06:09,058 --> 00:06:11,258 Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... 107 00:06:11,297 --> 00:06:14,494 and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... 108 00:06:14,593 --> 00:06:17,692 with the local authorities in running his pimp game. 109 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:21,787 First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust. 110 00:06:23,009 --> 00:06:25,562 Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please? 111 00:06:25,665 --> 00:06:27,869 Sure. Let me just finish here. 112 00:06:27,969 --> 00:06:32,093 You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square. 113 00:06:32,194 --> 00:06:34,136 Collins! 114 00:06:35,393 --> 00:06:37,760 Fine. We'll move on. 115 00:06:37,858 --> 00:06:40,541 It is a fascinating world though. 116 00:06:53,025 --> 00:06:54,934 Jesus, Collins. 117 00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:59,159 Yeah, that's... 118 00:07:00,449 --> 00:07:03,067 Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... 119 00:07:03,170 --> 00:07:05,079 are to be placed into a dry freeze... 120 00:07:05,186 --> 00:07:07,422 for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow. 121 00:07:07,521 --> 00:07:09,626 As you know, this is highly classified. 122 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:14,650 However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely. 123 00:07:21,154 --> 00:07:24,470 So this is kinda crazy, huh? 124 00:07:24,577 --> 00:07:27,960 - What unit are you with? - Oh, I ain't in the service. 125 00:07:28,065 --> 00:07:30,815 Oh, private sector. Okay. 126 00:07:30,914 --> 00:07:35,224 - So, uh, what do you do? - A little of this, a little of that. 127 00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:37,434 Wow, that's great. 128 00:07:37,537 --> 00:07:40,254 You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way... 129 00:07:40,354 --> 00:07:42,296 doing a little of this and a little of that. 130 00:07:42,401 --> 00:07:47,005 I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures... 131 00:07:47,105 --> 00:07:48,927 and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market. 132 00:07:49,025 --> 00:07:50,847 Yeah. 133 00:07:52,705 --> 00:07:55,520 So, uh, you an artist or somethin'? 134 00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:59,552 - Uh, yeah. - You do paintings or... 135 00:07:59,649 --> 00:08:02,016 - Yeah, paintings. - Okay, great. 136 00:08:03,554 --> 00:08:06,107 - Mm-hmm. - What do you paint mostly? 137 00:08:07,681 --> 00:08:12,024 I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit. 138 00:08:12,129 --> 00:08:17,083 Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love. 139 00:08:17,186 --> 00:08:19,706 Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be. 140 00:08:19,809 --> 00:08:21,402 Who wants to go first? 141 00:08:21,505 --> 00:08:23,894 Me. 142 00:08:28,385 --> 00:08:31,614 What the f... oh, hell, no. Uh-uh. 143 00:08:31,713 --> 00:08:35,259 Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the IVs attached and all. 144 00:08:35,361 --> 00:08:38,361 - What's the matter? - Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... 145 00:08:38,433 --> 00:08:40,440 in no damn coffin with tubes and shit! 146 00:08:40,545 --> 00:08:43,414 Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me. 147 00:08:43,521 --> 00:08:45,015 Who's Upgrayedd? 148 00:08:45,121 --> 00:08:47,009 He's my boyfriend. 149 00:08:48,289 --> 00:08:50,176 Man, how do you know this shit's safe? 150 00:08:50,273 --> 00:08:52,153 These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry. 151 00:08:52,193 --> 00:08:54,844 They've tested it on dogs and everything. 152 00:08:54,945 --> 00:08:57,694 What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep... 153 00:08:57,793 --> 00:08:59,703 we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again. 154 00:08:59,809 --> 00:09:01,719 - It'll be fine. - All right. 155 00:09:01,825 --> 00:09:05,567 Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch? 156 00:09:06,849 --> 00:09:10,046 See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student. 157 00:09:10,146 --> 00:09:11,607 His name was Untgrad. 158 00:09:11,714 --> 00:09:13,656 Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here. 159 00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:16,445 Just go ahead and lie down. Relax. 160 00:09:25,345 --> 00:09:27,069 See you in a year. 161 00:09:27,170 --> 00:09:29,723 The Human Hibernation Project... 162 00:09:29,825 --> 00:09:32,727 was one of the army's most ambitious experiments... 163 00:09:32,834 --> 00:09:35,551 and one of its most secretive. 164 00:09:35,649 --> 00:09:37,984 But it was not immune from human error. 165 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,528 Freeze! 166 00:09:50,818 --> 00:09:54,396 Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed... 167 00:09:54,497 --> 00:09:57,148 the base was closed. 168 00:09:57,249 --> 00:10:01,755 It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten. 169 00:10:04,033 --> 00:10:07,645 Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind. 170 00:10:07,746 --> 00:10:10,877 As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed... 171 00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:14,840 and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. 172 00:10:23,169 --> 00:10:26,813 Some had high hopes that genetic engineering... 173 00:10:26,913 --> 00:10:28,822 would correct this trend in evolution. 174 00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:31,962 But sadly, the greatest minds and resources... 175 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:36,734 were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections. 176 00:10:39,201 --> 00:10:44,416 Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline... 177 00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:48,921 until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems. 178 00:10:49,026 --> 00:10:53,815 Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever... 179 00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:58,591 leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505... 180 00:10:58,689 --> 00:11:03,806 which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever. 181 00:11:36,449 --> 00:11:39,100 - Hold on. - Next, on The Violence Channel... 182 00:11:39,201 --> 00:11:41,339 an all-new Ow! My Balls! 183 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:57,022 All right. 184 00:12:03,745 --> 00:12:06,134 That guy got hit in the balls. 185 00:12:06,241 --> 00:12:08,662 Ow, my balls! 186 00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:14,303 Huh? 187 00:12:21,729 --> 00:12:24,118 - Where's... - Hold on. Shut up! 188 00:12:36,065 --> 00:12:38,269 - Where's Officer Collins? - Shut up! 189 00:12:38,369 --> 00:12:41,849 Next week on Ow! My Balls! Hormel goes to Paris! 190 00:12:41,953 --> 00:12:46,493 - Are we on base? - I'm gonna base your ass on my fist. 191 00:12:46,593 --> 00:12:49,889 In your face, ass! Shut up. 192 00:12:49,985 --> 00:12:52,025 I'm sorry. It's just... Where am I? 193 00:12:52,129 --> 00:12:54,234 Shut up! I told you already! 194 00:13:01,153 --> 00:13:04,187 Yeah! Wouldn't shut up! 195 00:13:04,289 --> 00:13:05,882 Come in here and not shut up. 196 00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:09,400 Yeah, you were like, "I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like... 197 00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,271 Unaware of what year it was... 198 00:13:26,369 --> 00:13:29,238 Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help. 199 00:13:29,345 --> 00:13:31,614 But the English language had deteriorated... 200 00:13:31,713 --> 00:13:36,601 into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts. 201 00:13:36,705 --> 00:13:40,000 Joe was able to understand them... 202 00:13:40,097 --> 00:13:43,326 but when he spoke in an ordinary voice... 203 00:13:43,425 --> 00:13:45,913 he sounded pompous and faggy to them. 204 00:14:01,473 --> 00:14:04,702 Paging Doc... 205 00:14:08,161 --> 00:14:10,975 Report to, uh... 206 00:14:11,073 --> 00:14:15,296 Dr. Lueboo... 207 00:14:15,393 --> 00:14:16,570 uh, report. 208 00:14:16,673 --> 00:14:19,423 Your floor... your floor is now clean. 209 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,659 Your floor... Your floor is now clean. 210 00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:24,030 Your floor... Your floor is now clean. 211 00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:29,049 Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well. 212 00:14:29,153 --> 00:14:31,641 I think it might have been the drugs they had me on. 213 00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:33,785 I've been hallucinating. 214 00:14:33,889 --> 00:14:36,256 My head is just killin' me. 215 00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:39,255 My-My-My joints are all achy and I... 216 00:14:40,929 --> 00:14:42,751 Is this a hospital or... 217 00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:46,810 Actually, I don't even know where I am. 218 00:14:46,913 --> 00:14:49,051 Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right... 219 00:14:49,153 --> 00:14:53,309 - and have a healthy day! - Oh. Thanks. 220 00:14:53,409 --> 00:14:55,100 Thank you! 221 00:15:05,761 --> 00:15:09,689 Uh, 'scuse me. I think this might be Gatorade or somethin'. 222 00:15:09,793 --> 00:15:12,575 - I was just looking for some regular water. - Water? 223 00:15:12,673 --> 00:15:15,575 - Yeah. - You mean like in the toilet? What for? 224 00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:18,463 You know, just to drink. 225 00:15:26,305 --> 00:15:28,094 You've got hepatitis! 226 00:15:28,192 --> 00:15:30,843 Oh, is someone not feeling well? 227 00:15:30,945 --> 00:15:34,360 Your illness is very important to us. 228 00:15:34,465 --> 00:15:37,214 - Next. - Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno... 229 00:15:37,313 --> 00:15:39,255 - powered by Jormi Technology. - Uh, this goes in your mouth. 230 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:44,576 This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt. 231 00:15:47,233 --> 00:15:48,378 Come on. 232 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,263 - Hurry up, asshole! - Come on! 233 00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:55,132 Shit. Hang on a second. 234 00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:59,168 This one... no. 235 00:15:59,264 --> 00:16:01,020 - Hey, come on. - Uh... 236 00:16:01,121 --> 00:16:04,187 - Hurry up! - This one. This one goes in your mouth. 237 00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,287 Come on! 238 00:16:13,601 --> 00:16:16,503 Thank you for waiting. Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly. 239 00:16:21,825 --> 00:16:24,508 That's a weird misprint. 240 00:16:25,792 --> 00:16:29,502 Hey. How's it hang, ese? 241 00:16:29,601 --> 00:16:33,146 Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know. 242 00:16:33,249 --> 00:16:36,118 I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seein' things. 243 00:16:36,225 --> 00:16:39,007 I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on. 244 00:16:39,105 --> 00:16:42,650 But, if you could, uh, just get me well enough to get back to base... 245 00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:45,306 Right. Kick ass. 246 00:16:45,409 --> 00:16:48,409 Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin'... 247 00:16:48,513 --> 00:16:51,230 but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up. 248 00:16:51,329 --> 00:16:54,678 You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. 249 00:16:54,785 --> 00:16:58,975 What I'd do is just like, like, you know... 250 00:16:59,073 --> 00:17:02,368 like, you know what I mean? Like... 251 00:17:02,465 --> 00:17:06,556 - No, I'm serious here. - Don't worry, scrot. 252 00:17:06,657 --> 00:17:09,559 Now there are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. 253 00:17:09,665 --> 00:17:12,894 My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now. 254 00:17:12,993 --> 00:17:16,702 I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help. 255 00:17:16,801 --> 00:17:18,492 There's that fag talk we talked about. 256 00:17:18,592 --> 00:17:22,269 All right, so that'll be... this many dollars. 257 00:17:22,369 --> 00:17:26,264 And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit. 258 00:17:26,368 --> 00:17:30,143 That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine. 259 00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:34,136 - What are the odds of... - Where's your tattoo? Tattoo? 260 00:17:34,241 --> 00:17:36,892 Why don't you have this? 261 00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:41,311 Oh, God. 262 00:17:43,873 --> 00:17:46,262 - Where's your tattoo? - Oh, my God. 263 00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:48,736 Why come you don't have a tattoo? 264 00:17:50,272 --> 00:17:53,207 - Oh, my God! - You're not unscannable, are you? 265 00:17:54,401 --> 00:17:56,506 Oh, my God! 266 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:59,904 You're unscannable. 267 00:18:00,001 --> 00:18:02,684 - Unscannable! - No! No, you don't understand! 268 00:18:02,785 --> 00:18:05,240 You gotta let me talk to someone in the army! Wait a second. 269 00:18:05,345 --> 00:18:08,062 They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead! 270 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,819 Oh, my God! Oh! 271 00:18:11,809 --> 00:18:14,842 - No! Stop! Calm down! - Calm down! Calm down! 272 00:18:14,945 --> 00:18:17,017 - How'd this happen? - How did it happen? 273 00:18:17,121 --> 00:18:20,219 Your floor is now clean. 274 00:18:20,321 --> 00:18:22,492 Your floor is now clean. 275 00:18:42,049 --> 00:18:45,824 Joe had awakened to a world in crisis. 276 00:18:45,921 --> 00:18:49,019 The economy was in a state of deep neglect. 277 00:18:49,121 --> 00:18:52,437 A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies. 278 00:18:52,545 --> 00:18:57,182 And the number one movie in the country was called Ass. 279 00:18:58,913 --> 00:19:01,913 And that's all it was for 90 minutes. 280 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:08,889 It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay. 281 00:19:12,801 --> 00:19:15,768 Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries. 282 00:19:15,872 --> 00:19:18,742 You didn't gimme no fries. I got an empty box. 283 00:19:18,848 --> 00:19:21,565 Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries? 284 00:19:21,665 --> 00:19:23,291 I said I didn't get any. 285 00:19:23,392 --> 00:19:25,181 Thank you. Your account has been charged. 286 00:19:25,281 --> 00:19:27,103 Your balance is zero. 287 00:19:27,201 --> 00:19:30,550 - What? Oh, no. No! - Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 288 00:19:30,657 --> 00:19:32,479 I'm sorry you're having trouble. 289 00:19:32,577 --> 00:19:35,217 - Come on! My kids are starvin'. - I'm sorry you're having trouble. 290 00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:39,798 This should help you calm down. 291 00:19:39,905 --> 00:19:42,655 Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. 292 00:19:42,752 --> 00:19:47,738 Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry. 293 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:52,597 You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr. 294 00:19:52,704 --> 00:19:55,606 Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating." 295 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,652 Welcome to Carl's Jr. 296 00:19:58,753 --> 00:20:02,201 Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco... 297 00:20:02,304 --> 00:20:04,759 now with more molecules? 298 00:20:04,865 --> 00:20:07,734 Hey! Is this particular individual the unfit mother? 299 00:20:07,841 --> 00:20:11,616 - Me? No. - Okay. This particular individual is unscannable. 300 00:20:14,849 --> 00:20:17,089 Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment. 301 00:20:19,809 --> 00:20:22,296 Wait a second. There's the other pod from the army experiment. 302 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,571 There was a girl. She was from the same experiment. 303 00:20:24,673 --> 00:20:27,902 Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir. 304 00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:29,943 Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill... 305 00:20:30,048 --> 00:20:33,344 and not having his U. P. C. tattoo. 306 00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:38,525 He would soon discover that in the future, justice was not only blind... 307 00:20:38,624 --> 00:20:42,268 but had become rather retarded as well. 308 00:20:42,368 --> 00:20:45,216 You shut up! Now... 309 00:20:46,849 --> 00:20:49,467 I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here. 310 00:20:49,569 --> 00:20:54,009 We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here. 311 00:20:54,113 --> 00:20:58,106 Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money... 312 00:20:58,209 --> 00:21:01,405 we have "proprietarily" obtained for you... 313 00:21:01,505 --> 00:21:05,182 one of them court-appointed lawyers. 314 00:21:05,281 --> 00:21:10,103 So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo. 315 00:21:10,208 --> 00:21:11,866 You're my lawyer? 316 00:21:11,968 --> 00:21:16,125 Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital? 317 00:21:16,224 --> 00:21:18,526 - Why'd you do that? - Yeah. I'm not guilty. 318 00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:21,345 - That's not what the other lawyer said. - What do you mean what the... 319 00:21:21,409 --> 00:21:23,296 Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay? 320 00:21:23,392 --> 00:21:26,312 I can explain everything. We can take 'em to your house, show 'em the pod. 321 00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,539 Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 322 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,935 Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it? 323 00:21:32,032 --> 00:21:34,934 Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him. 324 00:21:37,473 --> 00:21:40,342 He talks like a fag too. 325 00:21:40,449 --> 00:21:43,994 And "B," we've got all this, like, evidence... 326 00:21:44,097 --> 00:21:46,912 of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital. 327 00:21:47,008 --> 00:21:49,823 And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo. 328 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,091 I know! 329 00:21:52,192 --> 00:21:55,575 And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me." But check this out, man. 330 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,462 Judge should be like, "Guilty." Peace. 331 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:06,524 - Objection! - What are you objectifyin' on? 332 00:22:06,625 --> 00:22:08,796 - Come on. Just get me on the stand. - Okay. 333 00:22:09,792 --> 00:22:12,411 - Um, Your Honor? - Hmm? 334 00:22:12,512 --> 00:22:14,268 I object... 335 00:22:14,368 --> 00:22:18,197 that this guy also broke my apartment to shit. 336 00:22:18,305 --> 00:22:20,214 - Yeah. - What? 337 00:22:20,321 --> 00:22:24,663 And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me... 338 00:22:24,769 --> 00:22:27,769 after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital! 339 00:22:27,872 --> 00:22:29,782 Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer. 340 00:22:29,888 --> 00:22:31,743 And I object. 341 00:22:31,841 --> 00:22:35,550 I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls! 342 00:22:35,648 --> 00:22:39,925 That is not okay! And I rest my case! 343 00:22:40,033 --> 00:22:42,335 Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir. 344 00:22:42,432 --> 00:22:45,661 - I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up. 345 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,127 - Please, listen. - "Please, listen." 346 00:22:48,224 --> 00:22:49,882 I didn't steal anything. 347 00:22:49,985 --> 00:22:51,807 I was part of an army experiment... 348 00:22:51,905 --> 00:22:54,774 Joe stated his case logically and passionately... 349 00:22:54,881 --> 00:22:59,769 but his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales of stupid laughter. 350 00:22:59,873 --> 00:23:01,465 Guilty! 351 00:23:01,568 --> 00:23:06,008 Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence. 352 00:23:06,112 --> 00:23:10,619 Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession... 353 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,653 was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons. 354 00:23:14,752 --> 00:23:18,330 Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U. S. Government long distance. 355 00:23:18,433 --> 00:23:20,702 Please say the name of the person you wish to call. 356 00:23:20,801 --> 00:23:22,557 Upgrayedd. 357 00:23:23,648 --> 00:23:28,023 There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd. 358 00:23:28,129 --> 00:23:30,300 Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection. 359 00:23:30,401 --> 00:23:32,223 - Man, what? - Oh, yeah, baby. 360 00:23:32,321 --> 00:23:34,688 Hey, look, can you just... can you wait a second, please? 361 00:23:34,784 --> 00:23:38,974 Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good. 362 00:23:39,968 --> 00:23:41,823 Really? 363 00:23:43,072 --> 00:23:45,309 Think, uh... you think maybe you could wait a day? 364 00:23:45,409 --> 00:23:47,449 Baby, I can wait two days. 365 00:23:47,552 --> 00:23:51,927 Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour. 366 00:23:52,033 --> 00:23:55,808 Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby. 367 00:23:55,904 --> 00:23:57,727 Thank you very much, young man. 368 00:23:59,905 --> 00:24:01,498 What the fuck? 369 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,022 Goddamn, shit's changed in a year. 370 00:24:05,952 --> 00:24:07,774 What are we doin' here? 371 00:24:07,872 --> 00:24:10,261 Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo. 372 00:24:13,153 --> 00:24:16,186 Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America. 373 00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:20,761 Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle. 374 00:24:21,824 --> 00:24:23,647 Thank you. 375 00:24:23,744 --> 00:24:27,541 Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card... 376 00:24:27,649 --> 00:24:30,910 - Document number G24L8. - I'm not sure if... 377 00:24:31,008 --> 00:24:34,838 You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure? 378 00:24:34,944 --> 00:24:36,766 No, it's not correct. 379 00:24:36,864 --> 00:24:40,312 Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct? 380 00:24:40,416 --> 00:24:42,358 No, it's not. My name is Joe... 381 00:24:42,464 --> 00:24:44,220 You've already confirmed your first name is Not. 382 00:24:44,321 --> 00:24:47,801 - Please confirm your last name, "Sure." - My... 383 00:24:47,905 --> 00:24:50,206 My last name is not Sure. 384 00:24:50,304 --> 00:24:52,824 - Thank you, Not Sure. - No. What I mean is my name is Joe. 385 00:24:52,928 --> 00:24:58,045 Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm. 386 00:25:00,064 --> 00:25:02,781 Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this? 387 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,214 Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning? 388 00:25:05,312 --> 00:25:08,411 They're gonna tat... Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor? 389 00:25:08,512 --> 00:25:11,414 - Ow! - Please hold still for your photograph. 390 00:25:20,544 --> 00:25:23,000 Oh, that's fuckin' great. 391 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,263 Okay, sir... 392 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:31,517 now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I. Q. and "apitude" tests. 393 00:25:31,617 --> 00:25:33,471 What for? 394 00:25:33,568 --> 00:25:37,627 Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at... 395 00:25:37,729 --> 00:25:42,649 and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail. 396 00:25:42,752 --> 00:25:45,567 If you have one bucket that holds two gallons... 397 00:25:45,665 --> 00:25:48,120 and another bucket that holds five gallons... 398 00:25:48,224 --> 00:25:50,875 how many buckets do you have? 399 00:25:52,737 --> 00:25:54,559 Two? 400 00:25:54,657 --> 00:25:56,544 Thank you. 401 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:36,767 'Too. 402 00:26:58,368 --> 00:27:00,921 Desperate and scared... 403 00:27:01,024 --> 00:27:03,707 Joe used his superior intelligence... 404 00:27:03,808 --> 00:27:06,590 to come up with the best escape plan he could think of. 405 00:27:06,688 --> 00:27:12,089 Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir. 406 00:27:13,248 --> 00:27:15,223 Yeah. 407 00:27:15,328 --> 00:27:18,143 You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there. 408 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:21,404 I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry. 409 00:27:21,504 --> 00:27:23,097 Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through. 410 00:27:39,456 --> 00:27:42,041 - 'Too. - Yeah. Got it. 411 00:27:44,353 --> 00:27:49,503 Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here. So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison. 412 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,423 Could you check again? 413 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,455 'Cause, I was, you know... I was definitely in prison, okay? 414 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:58,334 I got sat on my face and everything. Maybe check those files back there? 415 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:08,731 "Excape. " "Excape. " 416 00:28:08,832 --> 00:28:11,287 "Excape. " "Excape. " 417 00:28:11,392 --> 00:28:15,003 "Excape. " "Excape. " 418 00:28:31,648 --> 00:28:33,470 The Masturbation Network. 419 00:28:33,568 --> 00:28:36,917 Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years. 420 00:28:37,024 --> 00:28:39,610 And now, Sweet Bang Tube. 421 00:28:39,712 --> 00:28:44,284 Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece. 422 00:28:44,384 --> 00:28:46,293 Oh, yeah, that's... 423 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:48,222 Go away! 'Batin'! 424 00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:52,345 Damn it. 425 00:28:52,448 --> 00:28:54,837 All right. 426 00:28:56,768 --> 00:28:59,583 Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here! 427 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:03,609 No, wait, listen. You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail. 428 00:29:03,712 --> 00:29:06,941 So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house. 429 00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,855 Hey, I could have you disbarred... disbarred... for what you did to me. 430 00:29:09,952 --> 00:29:12,505 Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havin' any money. 431 00:29:12,608 --> 00:29:14,615 Oh, really? 432 00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:17,884 Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal. 433 00:29:17,984 --> 00:29:19,893 I've been thinking. It's been 500 years. 434 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,847 Someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time by now. 435 00:29:22,944 --> 00:29:25,726 You know, I think they were pretty close even in my day. You know? 436 00:29:25,824 --> 00:29:27,646 - With Einstein and guys like that? - Uh-huh. 437 00:29:27,744 --> 00:29:30,199 - You know, scientists? You know? - Uh. 438 00:29:31,488 --> 00:29:33,310 A time machine, for time travel. 439 00:29:33,408 --> 00:29:35,928 - Do they have one? - What? 440 00:29:40,064 --> 00:29:43,806 Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for. 441 00:29:44,864 --> 00:29:46,903 No, no, they got a time machine. 442 00:29:47,008 --> 00:29:48,830 - They do? - Yeah. 443 00:29:48,928 --> 00:29:50,750 - Are-are-are you sure? - Yeah. 444 00:29:50,848 --> 00:29:54,525 - Can it get me back to 2005? - Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive. 445 00:29:54,624 --> 00:29:57,722 And it breaks all the time 'cause some smart guy made it a long time ago. 446 00:29:57,824 --> 00:29:59,897 I don't care. Just get me there, okay? 447 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,407 - Well... - Please! 448 00:30:01,504 --> 00:30:04,603 Listen, I-I... I "supersize" with you... 449 00:30:04,704 --> 00:30:07,355 but didn't you go to jail for not havin' enough money? 450 00:30:07,456 --> 00:30:11,417 Okay, how about this? You get me to the time machine, and when I get back... 451 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,430 I open a savings account in your name. 452 00:30:13,536 --> 00:30:15,958 That way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions. 453 00:30:16,064 --> 00:30:17,526 - Billions! - 'Cause? 454 00:30:17,632 --> 00:30:20,349 'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars. 455 00:30:20,448 --> 00:30:22,903 - Oh, I-I like money. - Yeah. 456 00:30:23,007 --> 00:30:25,877 - How many billions? - Like, 10. 457 00:30:25,984 --> 00:30:29,018 Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20. 458 00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:31,803 Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito. 459 00:30:31,904 --> 00:30:34,937 Thirty billion dollars. 460 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:39,295 Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion... 461 00:30:39,392 --> 00:30:41,301 and the time machine's 20... 462 00:30:41,408 --> 00:30:43,262 What's the minus of 30 and 20? 463 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,978 Uh, it's, uh... it's 80, Frito. 464 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:48,502 It's $80 billion. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it? 465 00:30:48,608 --> 00:30:52,186 - Yeah. I like money though. - Police! Open the door! 466 00:30:52,288 --> 00:30:54,360 We're looking for an "excaped" individual. 467 00:30:54,464 --> 00:30:57,912 - This particular individual's name is Not Sure. - Eighty billion. 468 00:30:58,016 --> 00:31:01,846 Oh, um, he... he's... somewhere else. 469 00:31:01,952 --> 00:31:06,109 - You got something I can wear? - Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle. 470 00:31:06,207 --> 00:31:08,247 A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo. 471 00:31:08,352 --> 00:31:11,003 Seemed to be heading for this particular "domistile". 472 00:31:11,104 --> 00:31:13,406 Okay, sir, we're comin' in. 473 00:31:13,504 --> 00:31:15,708 - No, you can't come in. - Can too! 474 00:31:15,807 --> 00:31:17,782 - Come on! - All right, let's go get my billions. 475 00:31:19,999 --> 00:31:23,894 Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay? 476 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,650 - Is she bangin'? - Yeah, sure, she is. 477 00:31:26,752 --> 00:31:28,574 That wasn't really part of the deal. 478 00:31:28,672 --> 00:31:32,414 - Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right? - I like money. 479 00:31:32,512 --> 00:31:35,447 Okay, her pod's up here on the right. She shouldn't be far away, I hope. 480 00:31:35,552 --> 00:31:40,124 Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah? So when we gonna do it? 481 00:31:40,224 --> 00:31:43,420 'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days. 482 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:47,349 Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what? 483 00:31:47,456 --> 00:31:49,976 Why don't you come back tomorrow? 484 00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:52,600 - Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah! - Yeah? 485 00:31:52,704 --> 00:31:55,737 When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me. 486 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:59,156 That's right. Whatever you say, sir. 487 00:31:59,263 --> 00:32:01,630 - Hey, you still on the clock! - Yeah, girl. 488 00:32:01,728 --> 00:32:04,728 - Thank you! - Rita! 489 00:32:04,832 --> 00:32:08,541 Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment. Get in the car! Come on. 490 00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:10,844 Oh, yeah! What the hell, man? 491 00:32:10,944 --> 00:32:12,766 Just get in the car. I'll explain everything. 492 00:32:12,864 --> 00:32:15,253 - Where we going? - Just get in the car. 493 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:17,432 - Trust me. - What happened to those army guys? 494 00:32:20,192 --> 00:32:22,581 Wait a minute. You got cops after you? 495 00:32:22,688 --> 00:32:26,168 - Yeah. - And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole! 496 00:32:26,272 --> 00:32:28,639 Frito, take a right here. Right, right! 497 00:32:28,736 --> 00:32:30,623 Into that dust storm, Frito. 498 00:32:36,544 --> 00:32:38,519 They must have just forgotten about us. 499 00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:41,885 It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no! 500 00:32:41,984 --> 00:32:46,010 Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money! 501 00:32:46,112 --> 00:32:48,119 So, you owe your boyfriend money? 502 00:32:48,223 --> 00:32:50,612 Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too. 503 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:54,364 You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit. 504 00:32:54,464 --> 00:32:59,581 Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now. 505 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:02,363 - Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? - Yeah. 506 00:33:02,464 --> 00:33:05,847 Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past... 507 00:33:05,952 --> 00:33:08,254 but there was no time machine back then, so... 508 00:33:08,352 --> 00:33:11,167 Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week... 509 00:33:11,263 --> 00:33:14,111 He will find a way to come get his money! 510 00:33:14,208 --> 00:33:17,175 - All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it... - You know what? 511 00:33:17,279 --> 00:33:19,759 Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago... 512 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:22,109 when you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin. 513 00:33:22,208 --> 00:33:24,117 - Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay? 514 00:33:24,224 --> 00:33:27,388 But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you. 515 00:33:27,487 --> 00:33:30,903 You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure. 516 00:33:31,008 --> 00:33:34,488 Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger. 517 00:33:34,592 --> 00:33:37,432 - Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. - Thank you for your help. 518 00:33:37,472 --> 00:33:39,611 If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail. 519 00:33:39,711 --> 00:33:42,581 You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them. 520 00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:45,367 They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds. 521 00:33:45,408 --> 00:33:49,238 - What are you doing? Why are we slowing down? - Turned off my battery. 522 00:33:53,503 --> 00:33:56,820 Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something? 523 00:34:00,512 --> 00:34:01,722 Oh, shit. 524 00:34:09,344 --> 00:34:11,864 Oh! Oh, shit! 525 00:34:11,968 --> 00:34:14,106 Yeah! 526 00:34:14,208 --> 00:34:17,372 What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car. 527 00:34:18,528 --> 00:34:22,106 Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire! 528 00:34:22,207 --> 00:34:23,931 Come on! Let's get out of here. 529 00:34:33,023 --> 00:34:34,933 Hey, how much farther is it? 530 00:34:36,192 --> 00:34:38,909 Uh, it's, like, far. 531 00:34:39,008 --> 00:34:42,303 Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know? 532 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:45,815 Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe. 533 00:34:51,359 --> 00:34:54,229 Man, he don't seem too bright. You sure he knows where he's going? 534 00:34:54,335 --> 00:34:56,440 I sure hope so. He's our only chance. 535 00:34:56,544 --> 00:34:59,926 How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway? 536 00:35:00,032 --> 00:35:04,123 He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either. 537 00:35:04,224 --> 00:35:06,679 He's a goddamned idiot. 538 00:35:06,784 --> 00:35:11,388 There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine. 539 00:35:28,928 --> 00:35:32,473 Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing. 540 00:35:32,576 --> 00:35:35,838 He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there. 541 00:35:35,936 --> 00:35:39,896 So if he mentions anything about a savings account, just play along, okay? 542 00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:41,822 Yeah, what if this time machine don't work? 543 00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:45,084 Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it. 544 00:35:49,663 --> 00:35:54,966 Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you. 545 00:35:56,031 --> 00:35:58,300 Welcome to Costco. I love you. 546 00:36:00,319 --> 00:36:03,963 Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here. 547 00:36:11,584 --> 00:36:13,820 We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going? 548 00:36:13,919 --> 00:36:17,268 Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here. 549 00:36:17,376 --> 00:36:19,230 In Costco? 550 00:36:19,327 --> 00:36:21,629 Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself. 551 00:36:21,728 --> 00:36:25,241 Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings. 552 00:36:26,624 --> 00:36:29,307 Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you... 553 00:36:29,408 --> 00:36:32,375 we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it. 554 00:36:41,728 --> 00:36:43,550 Hey, baby, wanna go out? 555 00:36:43,648 --> 00:36:46,103 Wanna go out, honey? 556 00:36:52,544 --> 00:36:55,064 Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldn't be long. 557 00:36:55,168 --> 00:36:58,746 Do I got time to use the bathroom? 558 00:37:00,863 --> 00:37:03,449 - Uh, the toilet. - Be right back. 559 00:37:04,320 --> 00:37:06,687 Yeah, back that thing up. 560 00:37:06,783 --> 00:37:08,987 - Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe? - What? 561 00:37:09,087 --> 00:37:10,843 - I like having sex with chicks. - Yeah? 562 00:37:10,944 --> 00:37:12,766 - Yeah. - I think everybody does, Frito. 563 00:37:12,864 --> 00:37:16,093 Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways. 564 00:37:16,192 --> 00:37:18,613 Then you just, like, back it up. And then you... 565 00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:20,825 - That's real good. - Then you... oh, yeah! 566 00:37:20,927 --> 00:37:22,935 Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay? 567 00:37:23,039 --> 00:37:24,861 Warning! Warning! 568 00:37:24,959 --> 00:37:27,381 Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702. 569 00:37:27,487 --> 00:37:29,822 Hey! What about Rita? We can't just leave her here. 570 00:37:29,919 --> 00:37:32,058 I don't care. Come on! 571 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:36,350 Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do? 572 00:37:36,448 --> 00:37:38,302 Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do. 573 00:37:38,399 --> 00:37:41,050 We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past... 574 00:37:41,152 --> 00:37:43,006 I tell her not to do the experiment. 575 00:37:43,103 --> 00:37:45,208 - Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? - Uh... 576 00:37:45,312 --> 00:37:47,199 - No, wait. - Please stand clear of the doors. 577 00:37:47,295 --> 00:37:49,979 She already is here. That must mean I didn't go back in time, right? 578 00:37:50,079 --> 00:37:53,145 - Uh... No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet. 579 00:37:53,247 --> 00:37:55,930 Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment. 580 00:37:56,031 --> 00:37:58,486 Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here. 581 00:37:58,592 --> 00:38:00,952 - Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? - I... 582 00:38:00,991 --> 00:38:03,544 - But then, wait. Why am I still here? - Uh... 583 00:38:03,648 --> 00:38:05,535 Goddamn, how does this time travel work? 584 00:38:05,631 --> 00:38:09,341 - Please stand clear. - Freeze! Hands up! Don't move! 585 00:38:09,439 --> 00:38:12,025 - Put your hands up! - Don't move! Freeze! 586 00:38:21,759 --> 00:38:24,694 Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail... 587 00:38:24,799 --> 00:38:27,418 just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way... 588 00:38:27,519 --> 00:38:30,651 Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow! 589 00:38:30,751 --> 00:38:35,061 - What? - Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow. 590 00:38:35,168 --> 00:38:37,022 What? 591 00:38:37,119 --> 00:38:39,258 - Ow! God! Hey, stop! - Damn it. 592 00:38:41,119 --> 00:38:44,665 - What is this? - Okay, sir, this is the White House. 593 00:38:44,768 --> 00:38:46,971 - What are we doing at the White House? - What? 594 00:38:47,071 --> 00:38:49,275 Ow! Ow! Goddamn! 595 00:38:49,376 --> 00:38:52,692 It turned out the results of Joe's I. Q. test... 596 00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:56,728 had caught the attention of the highest levels of government. 597 00:38:56,831 --> 00:39:00,825 Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who? 598 00:39:00,927 --> 00:39:02,935 The I. Q. test you took in prison. 599 00:39:03,039 --> 00:39:05,690 You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 600 00:39:05,792 --> 00:39:08,574 Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter than President Camacho. 601 00:39:08,672 --> 00:39:11,322 That's how come he's making you secretary of interior. 602 00:39:11,423 --> 00:39:13,311 Okay, so who are you? 603 00:39:13,407 --> 00:39:15,066 I'm the secretary of energy. 604 00:39:15,167 --> 00:39:17,720 He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member. 605 00:39:17,824 --> 00:39:21,468 I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 606 00:39:21,567 --> 00:39:24,698 - Why do you keep saying that? - 'Cause they pay me every time I do. 607 00:39:24,799 --> 00:39:28,508 It's a really good way to make money. You're so smart, why don't you know that? 608 00:39:30,207 --> 00:39:32,662 - He's the secretary of defense. - Hi. 609 00:39:32,768 --> 00:39:35,615 And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general. 610 00:39:35,712 --> 00:39:37,948 Hi. 611 00:39:38,047 --> 00:39:40,120 And that's the secretary of education. 612 00:39:42,112 --> 00:39:45,341 He's kinda stupid, but he's President Camacho's stepbrother. 613 00:39:45,439 --> 00:39:47,578 Still, he does a pretty good job, eh? 614 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:51,095 You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake... 615 00:39:51,199 --> 00:39:54,516 'cause the test I took was real, real easy. 616 00:39:54,623 --> 00:39:58,453 I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay? 617 00:40:02,592 --> 00:40:06,389 Okay, even if that were true, I can't be the secretary of the interior. 618 00:40:06,495 --> 00:40:09,811 - I don't even know what it is. - You better find out. 619 00:40:09,919 --> 00:40:12,668 - Sit down. It's President Camacho. - Hey, hey, hey, yo... 620 00:40:12,767 --> 00:40:16,564 I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby, so I need y'all to wait outside. 621 00:40:16,671 --> 00:40:21,406 Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion... 622 00:40:21,503 --> 00:40:25,300 porn superstar, and president of the United States... 623 00:40:25,407 --> 00:40:28,669 had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world. 624 00:40:28,767 --> 00:40:31,287 - So you smart, huh? - No, no. 625 00:40:34,591 --> 00:40:37,625 I thought your head would be bigger. 626 00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:42,520 Goddamn. 627 00:40:42,623 --> 00:40:44,892 It look like a peanut. 628 00:40:44,991 --> 00:40:46,846 Let's get you sworn in. 629 00:41:01,119 --> 00:41:04,348 Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America! 630 00:41:07,807 --> 00:41:10,174 President Camacho! 631 00:41:11,167 --> 00:41:13,818 Shut up. 632 00:41:13,919 --> 00:41:17,814 Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. 633 00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:19,414 Chill out. 634 00:41:23,487 --> 00:41:24,861 Shit. 635 00:41:27,072 --> 00:41:30,105 I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit. 636 00:41:30,207 --> 00:41:34,589 And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings. 637 00:41:34,687 --> 00:41:36,248 Yeah! 638 00:41:36,351 --> 00:41:39,134 - But I got a solution. - That's what you said last time, dipshit! 639 00:41:39,231 --> 00:41:41,054 I got a solution. You're a dick! 640 00:41:41,151 --> 00:41:43,639 South Carolina, "whassup?" 641 00:41:50,783 --> 00:41:53,882 That's what I thought! 642 00:41:56,576 --> 00:41:59,707 Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now... 643 00:41:59,808 --> 00:42:02,229 but listen up. 644 00:42:02,336 --> 00:42:04,986 I got a three-point plan to fix everything. 645 00:42:05,087 --> 00:42:06,516 Break it down, Camacho! 646 00:42:06,623 --> 00:42:11,610 Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure. 647 00:42:11,711 --> 00:42:16,348 - Number two, he's got a higher IQ than any man alive. 648 00:42:16,447 --> 00:42:20,571 And number three, he's gonna fix everything. 649 00:42:20,672 --> 00:42:23,770 I give you my word as president. 650 00:42:23,871 --> 00:42:26,292 He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops. 651 00:42:26,399 --> 00:42:28,701 He's gonna make 'em grow again. 652 00:42:28,799 --> 00:42:33,556 - Crops? - And that ain't all. I give you my word. 653 00:42:35,551 --> 00:42:38,486 He's gonna fix the dust storms too. 654 00:42:40,159 --> 00:42:42,647 I give you my word. 655 00:42:42,751 --> 00:42:46,134 He's gonna fix the "ecomony." 656 00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:50,810 And he's so smart... 657 00:42:50,911 --> 00:42:55,897 he's gonna do it all in one week. 658 00:42:55,999 --> 00:42:59,414 President Camacho stood before the world and promised everyone... 659 00:42:59,519 --> 00:43:02,967 that Joe would solve all their problems. 660 00:43:03,072 --> 00:43:07,065 He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy... 661 00:43:07,167 --> 00:43:09,687 but he would cure acne and carsickness as well. 662 00:43:09,792 --> 00:43:11,963 And if he didn't... 663 00:43:12,064 --> 00:43:14,453 President Camacho made another promise. 664 00:43:14,559 --> 00:43:18,039 He would kick Joe's smart balls all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth. 665 00:43:18,143 --> 00:43:22,136 And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail. 666 00:43:26,367 --> 00:43:28,472 I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President. 667 00:43:28,575 --> 00:43:30,615 I don't know how to be secretary of anything. 668 00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:32,126 I mean, I've never even voted, actually. 669 00:43:32,224 --> 00:43:34,907 I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is. 670 00:43:35,007 --> 00:43:39,480 Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy. It beats jail, don't it? 671 00:43:39,583 --> 00:43:43,740 Besides, you do a kick-ass job... 672 00:43:43,839 --> 00:43:45,978 you get a full presidential pardon. 673 00:43:46,079 --> 00:43:47,901 - No jail time. - Yeah? 674 00:43:47,999 --> 00:43:51,479 Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer. 675 00:43:51,583 --> 00:43:53,557 And get you one too. 676 00:43:59,199 --> 00:44:01,141 Shit! 677 00:44:01,247 --> 00:44:03,614 Hold on, vato! 678 00:44:03,711 --> 00:44:05,369 Whoo! 679 00:44:25,119 --> 00:44:27,159 - Do somethin' smart. - Yeah. 680 00:44:28,479 --> 00:44:31,959 Uh, okay. Uh... 681 00:44:32,063 --> 00:44:34,998 I'll, uh... 682 00:44:35,103 --> 00:44:38,518 - Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted. - Oh, okay. Great, thanks. 683 00:44:38,623 --> 00:44:43,412 Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know, confer with my counsel. 684 00:44:43,519 --> 00:44:45,307 You understand? So I'll be right back. 685 00:44:45,407 --> 00:44:48,636 Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of. 686 00:44:48,735 --> 00:44:53,208 - Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here. - Sounds pretty smart. 687 00:44:53,311 --> 00:44:55,199 Wait here, okay? Wait there. 688 00:44:55,295 --> 00:44:58,012 Dude, this is trepidatious. You got me a room at the White House. 689 00:44:58,111 --> 00:44:59,999 Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone. 690 00:45:00,095 --> 00:45:01,655 - Yeah? - Yeah. 691 00:45:01,759 --> 00:45:05,054 I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I brought you here to help me. 692 00:45:05,151 --> 00:45:07,704 I don't know the first thing about growin' crops... 693 00:45:07,807 --> 00:45:09,946 much less the goddamn "ecomony." 694 00:45:10,047 --> 00:45:11,901 Econ... economy. 695 00:45:11,999 --> 00:45:14,814 Let's see. Growin' crops... 696 00:45:14,911 --> 00:45:18,424 No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine. 697 00:45:18,527 --> 00:45:22,521 Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff. 698 00:45:22,623 --> 00:45:24,566 It's, like... It's, like, by the museum... 699 00:45:24,671 --> 00:45:27,159 sort of, but, well, actually, not really. 700 00:45:27,263 --> 00:45:31,606 More like... but on the street. You go, um... Wait. Let me start over. 701 00:45:31,711 --> 00:45:33,500 Okay, you know where the time machine is? 702 00:45:33,599 --> 00:45:36,446 Hey. Just draw me a map, okay? 703 00:45:36,543 --> 00:45:39,063 You still want the money? 704 00:45:39,167 --> 00:45:41,884 Oh. If I had some money and a room at the White House... 705 00:45:41,983 --> 00:45:46,685 - I would be like, "It's mine, all night!" - Listen. Cut it out! 706 00:45:46,783 --> 00:45:49,466 Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay? 707 00:45:49,567 --> 00:45:51,705 - So act smart! - Smart like you? 708 00:45:51,807 --> 00:45:55,156 "Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home. " 709 00:45:55,263 --> 00:45:57,947 - I don't talk like that. - "I don't talk like that." 710 00:45:58,047 --> 00:45:59,901 Shit, I thought there was two of you. 711 00:45:59,999 --> 00:46:01,723 See? 712 00:46:01,823 --> 00:46:04,278 Doesn't look that big, is it? 713 00:46:04,383 --> 00:46:07,383 Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops. 714 00:46:07,487 --> 00:46:11,317 Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area. 715 00:46:12,863 --> 00:46:15,448 All right? Hey, come on! 716 00:46:17,311 --> 00:46:21,686 Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. All right? 717 00:46:21,791 --> 00:46:24,988 Whoa. Did you just make that up? 718 00:46:25,087 --> 00:46:27,901 Yes, I did. Now look... 719 00:46:27,999 --> 00:46:30,487 I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately... 720 00:46:30,591 --> 00:46:32,892 - and Frito will give you a hand with it. - Why? 721 00:46:34,559 --> 00:46:39,480 Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential... integral... asset... 722 00:46:39,583 --> 00:46:44,187 you know, for our team, for us to, you know, utilize. 723 00:46:50,559 --> 00:46:53,341 Utilize her! Utilize her! 724 00:46:53,439 --> 00:46:55,446 Utilize! 725 00:46:55,551 --> 00:46:58,485 Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right? 726 00:46:58,591 --> 00:47:01,176 Oh, yeah. Butt first! 727 00:47:03,231 --> 00:47:05,823 - Utilize her! - Okay. 728 00:47:11,231 --> 00:47:14,460 Dang! May I approach your benches? 729 00:47:19,839 --> 00:47:22,360 Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad. 730 00:47:22,463 --> 00:47:25,180 Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this? 731 00:47:25,279 --> 00:47:28,574 Come on. Hustle over here, buddy. I wanna figure this out. 732 00:47:28,671 --> 00:47:32,315 See, uh, just not a lot of moisture. Have you got the map? 733 00:47:32,415 --> 00:47:34,303 - Oh, yeah. - Discreetly. 734 00:47:38,463 --> 00:47:41,114 - It's right there. - I see it. I see it. 735 00:47:41,215 --> 00:47:43,670 Stand up with me. 736 00:47:43,775 --> 00:47:47,485 Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They found that whore you wanted. 737 00:47:47,583 --> 00:47:50,453 Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on. 738 00:47:50,559 --> 00:47:54,650 No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out. 739 00:47:54,751 --> 00:47:56,661 Don't worry though. We'll get her out... 740 00:47:56,767 --> 00:47:59,931 on a work-release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her. 741 00:48:00,031 --> 00:48:03,097 Get your hands off me. What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field? 742 00:48:03,198 --> 00:48:05,435 What the fuck are you all starin' at? 743 00:48:05,535 --> 00:48:07,477 - Joe? - That's Not Sure, ma'am. 744 00:48:07,583 --> 00:48:11,325 - Secretary Not Sure. - Secretary? Secretary of what? 745 00:48:11,423 --> 00:48:15,831 Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together? Alone? 746 00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:20,157 You know, in the bushes? 747 00:48:21,823 --> 00:48:23,678 Oh, man. 748 00:48:31,902 --> 00:48:35,318 - Fuck her, Joe! - Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out? 749 00:48:35,423 --> 00:48:37,365 No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah. 750 00:48:37,471 --> 00:48:40,569 I thought you was in jail. How'd you get to be the secretary of interior? 751 00:48:40,671 --> 00:48:42,875 Just keep walking. I'll explain everything. 752 00:48:51,295 --> 00:48:53,183 Okay. Get ready to run. 753 00:48:55,550 --> 00:48:58,071 - What? - Oh, goddamn it. 754 00:48:58,174 --> 00:49:00,858 Way to go, Frito. You know what? Just make a run for it anyways. 755 00:49:00,958 --> 00:49:02,813 We'll ask for directions on the way. 756 00:49:02,911 --> 00:49:05,945 No way. I spent the last two days looking for it. It ain't easy to find. 757 00:49:06,047 --> 00:49:08,895 Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems. 758 00:49:08,990 --> 00:49:11,990 All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me. 759 00:49:12,095 --> 00:49:15,324 Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible! 760 00:49:15,423 --> 00:49:18,041 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd... 761 00:49:18,143 --> 00:49:20,052 could somehow magically travel through time... 762 00:49:20,158 --> 00:49:23,454 we got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay? 763 00:49:23,551 --> 00:49:25,373 So don't worry. You're safe. 764 00:49:25,471 --> 00:49:28,504 And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back... 765 00:49:28,607 --> 00:49:31,127 you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay? 766 00:49:31,231 --> 00:49:35,486 And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend. 767 00:49:35,583 --> 00:49:39,511 Hey! She's not puttin' out? 768 00:49:39,615 --> 00:49:43,575 Uh, no, she is. We, uh... we already did it. 769 00:49:43,679 --> 00:49:46,068 Yeah. He was great. 770 00:49:48,191 --> 00:49:51,704 Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh... 771 00:49:51,807 --> 00:49:53,694 if we'd go family-style on her. 772 00:49:56,126 --> 00:49:59,443 Uh, yeah, probably not right now. 773 00:49:59,551 --> 00:50:02,867 We should focus on the crops. So let's get back to work. Maybe later. 774 00:50:09,695 --> 00:50:11,320 What the hell is this? 775 00:50:14,111 --> 00:50:17,821 - Tastes like Gatorade. - Is that that Brawndo stuff? 776 00:50:17,919 --> 00:50:21,497 They're watering crops with a sports drink? 777 00:50:23,103 --> 00:50:25,721 Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water... 778 00:50:25,823 --> 00:50:27,895 virtually everywhere. 779 00:50:27,999 --> 00:50:30,104 Water, the basic component of all life... 780 00:50:30,207 --> 00:50:33,076 had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin. 781 00:50:33,183 --> 00:50:36,532 The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330... 782 00:50:36,639 --> 00:50:41,276 when the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F. D. A... 783 00:50:41,375 --> 00:50:42,782 and the F. C. C... 784 00:50:42,879 --> 00:50:45,017 enabling them to say, do and sell... 785 00:50:45,119 --> 00:50:46,941 anything they wanted. 786 00:50:51,775 --> 00:50:54,295 Joe didn't know any of this... 787 00:50:54,399 --> 00:50:58,228 but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve. 788 00:50:58,334 --> 00:51:02,710 - With his options running out, Joe took a bold step. 789 00:51:02,815 --> 00:51:04,855 He would not get out of the way. 790 00:51:04,959 --> 00:51:07,708 This time, he would lead. 791 00:51:07,807 --> 00:51:09,749 For the last time, I'm pretty sure... 792 00:51:09,854 --> 00:51:12,702 what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff. 793 00:51:12,799 --> 00:51:15,449 But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes. 794 00:51:15,551 --> 00:51:17,526 So wait a minute. What you're saying... 795 00:51:17,630 --> 00:51:21,275 is that you want us to put water on the crops. 796 00:51:21,374 --> 00:51:24,276 - Yes. - Water. Like out the toilet? 797 00:51:24,383 --> 00:51:28,212 Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea. 798 00:51:28,319 --> 00:51:31,515 - But Brawndo's got what plants crave. - It's got electrolytes. 799 00:51:31,615 --> 00:51:33,502 Okay, look. 800 00:51:33,598 --> 00:51:36,947 The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. 801 00:51:37,055 --> 00:51:41,528 Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow. 802 00:51:41,630 --> 00:51:45,176 Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet. 803 00:51:45,278 --> 00:51:48,410 Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world? 804 00:51:48,510 --> 00:51:52,307 You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. 805 00:51:52,415 --> 00:51:56,212 So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave? 806 00:51:56,319 --> 00:51:58,686 Brawndo's got what plants crave. 807 00:51:58,783 --> 00:52:01,204 - Goddamn it. - Yeah, it's got electrolytes. 808 00:52:01,311 --> 00:52:03,645 What are electrolytes? Do you even know? 809 00:52:03,743 --> 00:52:06,394 It's what they use to make Brawndo. 810 00:52:06,494 --> 00:52:09,015 Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo? 811 00:52:09,118 --> 00:52:11,573 'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes. 812 00:52:14,463 --> 00:52:18,718 After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason... 813 00:52:18,814 --> 00:52:21,749 and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants... 814 00:52:21,854 --> 00:52:24,375 and that they wanted water. 815 00:52:25,438 --> 00:52:27,675 He made believers out of everyone. 816 00:52:27,775 --> 00:52:31,190 Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes... 817 00:52:31,294 --> 00:52:35,091 were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades... 818 00:52:35,198 --> 00:52:37,817 killing plants and leading to the dust bowl. 819 00:52:37,918 --> 00:52:43,417 As secretary of the interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water... 820 00:52:43,518 --> 00:52:48,439 promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end. 821 00:52:48,543 --> 00:52:52,405 He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon. 822 00:52:52,511 --> 00:52:55,511 Or so it seemed. 823 00:52:56,574 --> 00:53:00,317 Man, I hope somethin' grows fast. 824 00:53:00,414 --> 00:53:02,324 Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home. 825 00:53:02,430 --> 00:53:05,878 Man. You really think those people would have starved to death? 826 00:53:07,359 --> 00:53:11,799 I don't know. I mean, how did the world ever get like this? 827 00:53:11,903 --> 00:53:15,612 You know things are bad when they're comin' to me for answers. 828 00:53:15,710 --> 00:53:18,361 - It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone. - Mm-hmm. 829 00:53:18,463 --> 00:53:20,601 - I'm not used to it. - Yeah. Me neither. 830 00:53:23,231 --> 00:53:26,809 You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits? 831 00:53:26,911 --> 00:53:29,366 Yeah. Hadn't thought of that. 832 00:53:29,471 --> 00:53:33,431 - Now you know why he built that bomb. - Yeah. 833 00:53:35,743 --> 00:53:37,848 Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops... 834 00:53:37,950 --> 00:53:40,122 - Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that. - No. No. 835 00:53:40,222 --> 00:53:43,124 They said that you got me a pardon. 836 00:53:43,231 --> 00:53:46,133 You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so... 837 00:53:47,390 --> 00:53:49,911 I guess I owe you one. 838 00:53:52,031 --> 00:53:55,446 You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to. 839 00:53:56,798 --> 00:54:00,792 Oh. No. I'm... I'm all right. Yeah. 840 00:54:00,894 --> 00:54:04,789 Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be too happy about that. 841 00:54:04,895 --> 00:54:06,488 You in bed with a stranger. 842 00:54:08,158 --> 00:54:10,329 Yeah. 843 00:54:13,118 --> 00:54:14,874 I know. I know. 844 00:54:16,894 --> 00:54:21,684 Yeah. Oh, boy. 845 00:54:29,311 --> 00:54:31,766 Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd. 846 00:54:31,870 --> 00:54:34,205 Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd. 847 00:54:34,303 --> 00:54:36,506 Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked. 848 00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:38,843 But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero... 849 00:54:38,942 --> 00:54:41,277 leaving half the population unemployed... 850 00:54:41,375 --> 00:54:44,920 dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting... 851 00:54:45,023 --> 00:54:46,878 and screaming for Joe's head. 852 00:54:46,974 --> 00:54:49,560 An emergency cabinet meeting was called... 853 00:54:49,663 --> 00:54:51,899 with the C. E. O. of the Brawndo Corporation. 854 00:54:51,999 --> 00:54:54,366 How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator? 855 00:54:54,463 --> 00:54:56,732 Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo. 856 00:54:56,830 --> 00:54:59,481 Not anymore! The stock has dropped to zero... 857 00:54:59,583 --> 00:55:01,655 and the computer did that auto-layoff thing to everybody. 858 00:55:01,758 --> 00:55:04,213 - We're all unemployed! - You think that makes the "ecomony" suck? 859 00:55:04,319 --> 00:55:08,213 - Why is this happening? - I think it's because we switched to water, but... 860 00:55:08,319 --> 00:55:10,708 - You mean this is all your fault? - What? 861 00:55:10,814 --> 00:55:14,491 Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started happening when we switched to water! 862 00:55:14,591 --> 00:55:18,333 Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. 863 00:55:20,958 --> 00:55:22,681 Fox News. 864 00:55:25,791 --> 00:55:28,725 He tried taking water from toilets... 865 00:55:28,831 --> 00:55:32,605 but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now. 866 00:55:32,702 --> 00:55:34,525 And as history pulls down its pants... 867 00:55:34,622 --> 00:55:37,754 and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head... 868 00:55:37,854 --> 00:55:41,684 it will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time. 869 00:55:41,790 --> 00:55:45,816 We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis... 870 00:55:45,918 --> 00:55:49,627 at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial. 871 00:55:52,031 --> 00:55:56,057 Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow... 872 00:55:56,159 --> 00:55:59,574 with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk. 873 00:55:59,678 --> 00:56:03,606 Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me! 874 00:56:03,710 --> 00:56:05,619 That part of the trial sucked. 875 00:56:05,726 --> 00:56:08,279 But then, the chief "J" just went off. 876 00:56:08,382 --> 00:56:10,325 He said, "Man, whatever. 877 00:56:10,430 --> 00:56:12,918 The guy's guilty as shit. We all know that. " 878 00:56:13,022 --> 00:56:16,634 And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabilitation. 879 00:56:16,735 --> 00:56:19,190 Hey, rehabilitation? One night? 880 00:56:19,294 --> 00:56:21,117 Doesn't sound so bad. 881 00:56:21,214 --> 00:56:23,003 Not so bad, huh? 882 00:56:23,103 --> 00:56:26,234 Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation. 883 00:56:36,766 --> 00:56:39,734 And who could forget that wonderful finish... 884 00:56:39,838 --> 00:56:42,227 by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones? 885 00:56:42,334 --> 00:56:45,880 And tomorrow night looks even more better. 886 00:56:45,983 --> 00:56:50,205 Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement. 887 00:56:50,302 --> 00:56:52,888 Wow. Thank you, Formica. 888 00:56:54,302 --> 00:56:57,172 So you think you can escape again like you did last time? 889 00:56:57,278 --> 00:56:59,962 - No. They pretty much fixed that. - How? 890 00:57:00,062 --> 00:57:02,234 They chained me to a big rock. 891 00:57:03,582 --> 00:57:05,404 - Oh. - Yeah. 892 00:57:05,502 --> 00:57:07,607 Look, Rita, get Frito. 893 00:57:07,711 --> 00:57:10,710 Get him to take you back to the time machine without me. Don't wait. 894 00:57:10,814 --> 00:57:14,676 No. You could have split on me before, but you didn't. 895 00:57:14,783 --> 00:57:18,044 Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay? 896 00:57:18,142 --> 00:57:20,597 Tell people to read books. 897 00:57:20,703 --> 00:57:22,710 Tell people to stay in school, you know. 898 00:57:22,815 --> 00:57:26,197 Tell people to just use their brains or something. 899 00:57:26,303 --> 00:57:29,369 I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me. 900 00:57:29,470 --> 00:57:33,878 I never did anything with my life. At least you were an artist, you know? 901 00:57:33,983 --> 00:57:36,438 - So just go back and... - Visit's over! 902 00:57:39,295 --> 00:57:42,611 And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay? 903 00:57:44,095 --> 00:57:45,982 Good luck, Joe. 904 00:57:52,894 --> 00:57:55,643 Okay, that's five down and one more to go. 905 00:57:55,742 --> 00:57:59,288 Are you ready for a monster-truck duel to the death? 906 00:57:59,390 --> 00:58:02,773 Yeah! Let's give it up for the Guitar Army. 907 00:58:04,798 --> 00:58:06,686 Okay, we're gonna do this shit. 908 00:58:06,783 --> 00:58:09,816 But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem... 909 00:58:09,918 --> 00:58:14,490 the star of Ow! My Balls! Hormel Chavez! 910 00:58:14,590 --> 00:58:17,405 Thank you. Thank you. 911 00:58:17,502 --> 00:58:22,291 Hey! Come here! 912 00:58:22,398 --> 00:58:25,813 Come here! 913 00:58:25,918 --> 00:58:27,741 Right in the balls! 914 00:58:27,838 --> 00:58:32,443 That's just how that shit went on TV! 915 00:58:32,543 --> 00:58:36,601 This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator. 916 00:58:36,702 --> 00:58:38,524 After you've killed someone... 917 00:58:38,622 --> 00:58:40,477 - your body needs electrolytes. - Yeah. 918 00:58:40,574 --> 00:58:43,738 So, my car's out front... 919 00:58:43,838 --> 00:58:46,009 whenever you want me to take you... 920 00:58:46,110 --> 00:58:48,249 to the time machine. 921 00:58:48,350 --> 00:58:50,205 Thanks, Frito. 922 00:58:50,302 --> 00:58:52,309 - Yeah. - I can't hear you! 923 00:58:52,414 --> 00:58:55,480 That's a real bummer about Joe, huh? 924 00:58:55,582 --> 00:58:58,070 - I can't hear you! - Yeah. 925 00:58:58,174 --> 00:59:03,411 Oh! Can you turn this up? I love Rehabilitation. 926 00:59:14,462 --> 00:59:18,739 Okay. Let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight. 927 00:59:18,846 --> 00:59:22,010 With a combined record of 62 kills... 928 00:59:22,110 --> 00:59:26,747 please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the Dildozer! 929 00:59:32,319 --> 00:59:37,850 And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blaster! 930 00:59:37,950 --> 00:59:39,837 I get a truck too, right? 931 00:59:39,934 --> 00:59:42,552 Yeah. Here it comes. 932 00:59:51,806 --> 00:59:53,694 Get in. 933 00:59:58,014 --> 01:00:00,283 You still got the chain attached. 934 01:00:02,398 --> 01:00:04,853 - Door won't shut. - What about the chain? 935 01:00:04,958 --> 01:00:06,846 - We could break it. - No. He could escape. 936 01:00:06,942 --> 01:00:10,357 - I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk. - Yeah. That'll work. 937 01:00:13,790 --> 01:00:17,205 - Who's smart now? - Let's bring out our criminal. 938 01:00:17,310 --> 01:00:20,310 He tried to ruin the country by pouring toilet water on crops. 939 01:00:20,414 --> 01:00:22,716 He cost millions of people their jobs. 940 01:00:22,814 --> 01:00:26,010 Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Sure! 941 01:00:37,534 --> 01:00:39,803 Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die. 942 01:00:39,902 --> 01:00:42,684 Are you ready for some car-on-car action? 943 01:00:42,782 --> 01:00:44,669 Yes. 944 01:00:45,726 --> 01:00:48,443 - I can't watch this. - This is... 945 01:00:48,542 --> 01:00:52,852 This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry. 946 01:00:54,590 --> 01:00:58,332 Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look! 947 01:00:58,430 --> 01:01:00,797 He was right. The water... it worked. 948 01:01:00,894 --> 01:01:03,415 Frito, can you get me over there? 949 01:01:04,350 --> 01:01:06,172 Yes. 950 01:01:06,270 --> 01:01:09,139 No, you fuckin' moron. To the Rehabilitation place. 951 01:01:09,246 --> 01:01:11,188 - Uh, this way. - Yeah! 952 01:01:15,582 --> 01:01:17,404 Come on, Frito. Hurry! 953 01:01:17,502 --> 01:01:20,404 And now the dude that everybody came here to see... 954 01:01:20,510 --> 01:01:23,957 - Yeah! - the only undefeated officer ever in history... 955 01:01:24,062 --> 01:01:27,445 coming out of retirement just to pound Not Sure's ass... 956 01:01:27,550 --> 01:01:32,307 driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history... 957 01:01:32,414 --> 01:01:36,124 bigger than the Dildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster... 958 01:01:36,222 --> 01:01:40,084 bigger and huger than everything ever before in history... 959 01:01:40,190 --> 01:01:43,005 the brand-new Assdozer! 960 01:01:43,102 --> 01:01:45,687 Give it up for Beef Supreme! 961 01:01:49,118 --> 01:01:50,940 Oh! 962 01:01:56,702 --> 01:01:58,557 Oh! 963 01:02:12,350 --> 01:02:15,481 Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh? 964 01:02:15,582 --> 01:02:17,971 We seem to be "experimenting"... 965 01:02:18,078 --> 01:02:21,242 some "techmological" differences... 966 01:02:21,342 --> 01:02:23,164 so, uh, shit. 967 01:02:23,262 --> 01:02:26,491 Frito, look! 968 01:02:26,590 --> 01:02:28,696 - It's working everywhere! - Huh. 969 01:02:28,798 --> 01:02:32,693 Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks. 970 01:02:32,798 --> 01:02:35,798 - Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was... - Man. 971 01:02:35,902 --> 01:02:37,844 - Hey! - Oh, oh, okay. 972 01:02:37,950 --> 01:02:40,055 - Get this shit started! - We're gonna start without Beef Supreme. 973 01:02:40,158 --> 01:02:43,736 Let the rehabilitation begin! 974 01:02:52,894 --> 01:02:55,349 Oh, shit. 975 01:02:55,454 --> 01:02:58,236 Come on. Come on. 976 01:02:58,334 --> 01:03:00,701 Come on, Frito. Hurry! 977 01:03:03,230 --> 01:03:05,815 Oh! 978 01:03:10,334 --> 01:03:11,796 Goddamn it. 979 01:03:14,110 --> 01:03:17,819 - Yeah! - Jesus, that was close. 980 01:03:20,222 --> 01:03:23,004 Mr. President! Mr. President, I need to talk to you. 981 01:03:23,102 --> 01:03:25,207 You gotta stop this thing. He was right about the water. 982 01:03:25,310 --> 01:03:28,092 We passed some crops on the way here. They're growing. 983 01:03:28,190 --> 01:03:30,012 I didn't see no crops. 984 01:03:31,102 --> 01:03:32,728 They're circling around. 985 01:03:32,830 --> 01:03:35,252 They're gonna do the Malachi Crunch on him! 986 01:03:37,790 --> 01:03:41,051 - This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody. - Oh! 987 01:04:01,022 --> 01:04:03,892 So, uh... so the winner is, uh... 988 01:04:05,630 --> 01:04:08,696 - You gotta be shittin' me. - Did he win? 989 01:04:11,454 --> 01:04:13,559 Uh-oh. Look. 990 01:04:15,358 --> 01:04:18,936 Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme! 991 01:04:25,982 --> 01:04:27,673 Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah! 992 01:04:27,774 --> 01:04:31,865 Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road... 993 01:04:31,966 --> 01:04:34,486 - right by the Starbucks? - Uh-huh. 994 01:04:34,590 --> 01:04:38,518 - Hey. Wanna make some money? - I like money. 995 01:04:52,157 --> 01:04:56,281 Hey, um, the, uh... the main screen is malfunctioning... 996 01:04:56,382 --> 01:04:58,804 and they gonna need you outside immediately. 997 01:05:01,886 --> 01:05:04,788 There's a bunch of whores in the hallway. 998 01:05:07,838 --> 01:05:10,227 Come on, Frito. Hurry. 999 01:05:11,261 --> 01:05:13,269 Can't believe you like money too. 1000 01:05:13,374 --> 01:05:15,763 - We should hang out. - Totally. 1001 01:05:40,061 --> 01:05:42,003 He's behind the truck! 1002 01:05:44,030 --> 01:05:46,681 Yes! Yes! 1003 01:05:47,997 --> 01:05:49,997 - He's behind the fucking truck! - He's over there! 1004 01:05:50,078 --> 01:05:52,052 Behind the truck, stupid! 1005 01:06:01,950 --> 01:06:03,476 Look! 1006 01:06:05,598 --> 01:06:09,013 Shit. That's a good deal. 1007 01:06:09,117 --> 01:06:13,427 - Extra foam. - I got a bunch of money too. 1008 01:06:13,534 --> 01:06:16,054 - Forgot what it was for. - Huh. 1009 01:06:17,278 --> 01:06:20,922 - You think it was for lattes? - Yeah. Probably. 1010 01:06:21,022 --> 01:06:25,113 - You like money and sex? You're trippin' me out. - What the fuck? 1011 01:06:27,262 --> 01:06:29,400 - Yeah! - Yeah! 1012 01:06:38,654 --> 01:06:42,364 Just hold on, okay? Everyone just take it easy, okay? 1013 01:06:42,461 --> 01:06:44,284 Can I just say something here? 1014 01:06:46,590 --> 01:06:49,405 I don't even know what I'm guilty of here. 1015 01:06:49,502 --> 01:06:53,244 I never said that I was the smartest person on earth. You people did. 1016 01:06:53,342 --> 01:06:56,855 I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money... 1017 01:06:56,957 --> 01:06:58,997 and I'm very sorry that that happened. 1018 01:06:59,102 --> 01:07:01,044 But I'm tellin' you... 1019 01:07:01,150 --> 01:07:03,419 if you put water on the crops, it might actually... 1020 01:07:03,518 --> 01:07:06,388 No, it will work. I promise you! 1021 01:07:06,494 --> 01:07:10,717 You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all. 1022 01:07:10,813 --> 01:07:15,450 So you can try and shoot me. You can try and run me over, whatever. 1023 01:07:15,550 --> 01:07:18,867 But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first. 1024 01:07:20,030 --> 01:07:22,451 Do you really want to live in a world... 1025 01:07:22,558 --> 01:07:25,907 where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you? 1026 01:07:36,317 --> 01:07:38,456 Hold on. Just hold on. 1027 01:07:58,974 --> 01:08:01,079 Oh, man. That was great. 1028 01:08:01,181 --> 01:08:04,694 Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there? 1029 01:08:04,798 --> 01:08:08,060 Shit. What do I look like, a pants goblin? 1030 01:08:08,157 --> 01:08:11,354 Wait. This reminds me of something. 1031 01:08:11,454 --> 01:08:14,203 Uh, "Rehabil... rehabilate... 1032 01:08:14,302 --> 01:08:17,368 - Rehabilation." - Why do you keep trying to read that word? 1033 01:08:17,470 --> 01:08:20,852 - You a fag? - I'll fag your face! 1034 01:08:29,150 --> 01:08:32,052 - Come on, Frito. - Yeah. I don't think so. 1035 01:08:33,373 --> 01:08:35,740 Oh, yeah. 1036 01:09:15,550 --> 01:09:19,827 This guy just got his ass a pardon! 1037 01:09:27,518 --> 01:09:29,209 Yeah! 1038 01:09:42,910 --> 01:09:46,205 Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say. 1039 01:09:46,302 --> 01:09:49,433 You saved my life. No one's ever done anything like that for me. 1040 01:09:49,534 --> 01:09:51,356 Yeah, well... 1041 01:09:51,454 --> 01:09:54,356 you were looking out for the whole world so, you know... 1042 01:09:54,461 --> 01:09:58,007 - I thought someone should look out for you too. - Thanks. 1043 01:09:59,550 --> 01:10:01,819 I can't believe I'm even saying this, but... 1044 01:10:01,918 --> 01:10:03,827 even though these people tried to kill me... 1045 01:10:03,934 --> 01:10:07,250 - you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em. - Yeah. 1046 01:10:07,357 --> 01:10:10,074 Frito, he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine. 1047 01:10:10,173 --> 01:10:13,272 I just, uh... I hope he's okay to drive. 1048 01:10:14,654 --> 01:10:17,654 It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show. 1049 01:10:17,757 --> 01:10:19,961 Thank you so much. 1050 01:10:20,062 --> 01:10:25,015 - Uh, Joe, I'm not going. - What? 1051 01:10:26,749 --> 01:10:30,459 I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again. 1052 01:10:30,558 --> 01:10:32,445 Maybe it's time I got a new start. 1053 01:10:32,542 --> 01:10:36,503 Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here. 1054 01:10:36,605 --> 01:10:39,158 - I'm gonna be a CEO. - At Starbucks? 1055 01:10:39,262 --> 01:10:41,979 - Yeah. - Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right? 1056 01:10:43,581 --> 01:10:46,843 Yeah. Sure. 1057 01:10:46,942 --> 01:10:48,698 I guess this is good-bye then. 1058 01:10:50,493 --> 01:10:52,632 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 1059 01:10:52,733 --> 01:10:56,727 I got a couple presidential decrees to make! 1060 01:10:56,829 --> 01:11:00,888 Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is. 1061 01:11:03,389 --> 01:11:05,528 Let me get that little peanut head up here. 1062 01:11:05,630 --> 01:11:08,280 Yo. Yo. 1063 01:11:08,381 --> 01:11:10,236 I have decided... 1064 01:11:10,334 --> 01:11:12,755 to make this man... 1065 01:11:12,862 --> 01:11:15,677 the man who solved all our problems... 1066 01:11:16,958 --> 01:11:19,511 I have decided to make him... 1067 01:11:19,613 --> 01:11:21,817 my new vice president. 1068 01:11:24,253 --> 01:11:27,352 Mr. President, thanks. That's real cool of you, sir... 1069 01:11:27,454 --> 01:11:31,163 - but I can't accept it, sir. - What? Why? 1070 01:11:31,262 --> 01:11:35,801 - You know, I gotta get home. - But we still got all these problems. 1071 01:11:35,902 --> 01:11:38,771 Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves. 1072 01:11:38,878 --> 01:11:41,245 - How? - Think about it, you know? 1073 01:11:41,341 --> 01:11:44,276 You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops. 1074 01:11:44,382 --> 01:11:48,724 But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"? 1075 01:11:48,830 --> 01:11:54,427 And what about the nuc... "nucular" reactor in Florida? 1076 01:11:54,525 --> 01:11:56,892 It's broke and leaky and something's happening. 1077 01:11:56,989 --> 01:12:02,139 - I thought it was in Georgia. - Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass. 1078 01:12:02,237 --> 01:12:05,172 Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put toilet water on it. Huh? 1079 01:12:05,277 --> 01:12:08,212 - Yeah! - Good, good. That's a good idea. 1080 01:12:08,317 --> 01:12:10,903 - Like we did on the crops. - Come on, vato. 1081 01:12:11,005 --> 01:12:13,209 Hey, you can't leave. 1082 01:12:13,309 --> 01:12:19,005 Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh? 1083 01:12:29,341 --> 01:12:33,564 I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I? You know what? 1084 01:12:33,662 --> 01:12:36,444 - Forget about the time machine. - Yeah! 1085 01:12:40,318 --> 01:12:43,579 That ride sucks anyways. 1086 01:12:43,677 --> 01:12:45,717 Ride? 1087 01:12:49,053 --> 01:12:51,420 Welcome to the Time Masheen. 1088 01:12:51,517 --> 01:12:55,827 We are going to take you back, first to the year 1939... 1089 01:12:55,934 --> 01:12:58,323 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime... 1090 01:12:58,429 --> 01:13:01,364 enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world. 1091 01:13:01,469 --> 01:13:03,957 So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time? 1092 01:13:04,061 --> 01:13:07,410 Yeah. You thought you could really travel through time, huh? 1093 01:13:07,517 --> 01:13:09,786 - Yeah, I guess I did. - Yeah. 1094 01:13:09,886 --> 01:13:12,701 For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes. 1095 01:13:12,797 --> 01:13:17,500 - So why didn't you tell us? - 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry. 1096 01:13:17,597 --> 01:13:21,242 But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money. 1097 01:13:21,341 --> 01:13:24,690 You know, 'cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account. 1098 01:13:24,797 --> 01:13:27,612 Uh, uh, uh... 1099 01:13:27,709 --> 01:13:30,360 Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay. 1100 01:13:31,837 --> 01:13:33,692 Well, I guess we're stuck here. 1101 01:13:33,790 --> 01:13:38,678 But then an even greater force emerged... the "UN." 1102 01:13:38,782 --> 01:13:42,904 And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever. 1103 01:13:43,069 --> 01:13:46,418 And so, after serving a short term as vice president... 1104 01:13:46,525 --> 01:13:49,689 Joe was elected the president of America. 1105 01:13:49,789 --> 01:13:51,862 Frito became vice president... 1106 01:13:51,966 --> 01:13:54,999 and Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady. 1107 01:13:55,102 --> 01:13:58,451 Today I step into the shoes of a great man... 1108 01:13:58,557 --> 01:14:02,518 a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo... 1109 01:14:02,621 --> 01:14:06,451 Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. 1110 01:14:06,557 --> 01:14:10,518 Under President Not Sure's leadership, a new era dawned. 1111 01:14:10,622 --> 01:14:14,299 You know, there was a time in this country... 1112 01:14:14,397 --> 01:14:18,489 when smart people were considered cool. 1113 01:14:18,589 --> 01:14:21,404 Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things... 1114 01:14:21,501 --> 01:14:25,396 like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon. 1115 01:14:25,501 --> 01:14:26,963 Yeah! 1116 01:14:29,021 --> 01:14:33,047 And there was a time in this country, a long time ago... 1117 01:14:33,150 --> 01:14:35,451 when reading wasn't just for fags... 1118 01:14:35,549 --> 01:14:37,720 and neither was writing. 1119 01:14:37,821 --> 01:14:41,749 People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories... 1120 01:14:41,853 --> 01:14:45,977 so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting. 1121 01:14:46,077 --> 01:14:49,394 And I believe that time can come again! 1122 01:15:00,829 --> 01:15:04,277 Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure! 1123 01:15:07,966 --> 01:15:09,853 Joe and Rita had three children... 1124 01:15:09,949 --> 01:15:12,632 the three smartest kids in the world. 1125 01:15:13,726 --> 01:15:16,115 Vice President Frito took eight wives... 1126 01:15:16,221 --> 01:15:18,555 and had a total of 32 kids... 1127 01:15:18,653 --> 01:15:21,752 thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth. 1128 01:15:26,781 --> 01:15:29,814 Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind... 1129 01:15:29,917 --> 01:15:32,251 but he got the ball rolling... 1130 01:15:32,349 --> 01:15:35,994 and that's pretty good for an average guy. 1131 01:20:23,613 --> 01:20:26,198 I'm gonna go find this ho.