WEBVTT
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As the 21st century began...
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human evolution was
at a turning point.
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Natural selection, the process by which
the strongest, the smartest...
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the fastest reproduced
in greater numbers than the rest...
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a process which had once
favored the noblest traits of man...
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now began to favor
different traits.
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The Joey Buttafuoco case-
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Most science fiction of the day
predicted a future that was more civilized...
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and more intelligent.
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But as time went on, things seemed
to be heading in the opposite direction.
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A dumbing down.
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How did this happen?
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Evolution does not necessarily
reward intelligence.
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With no natural predators
to thin the herd...
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it began to simply reward those
who reproduced the most...
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and left the intelligent
to become an endangered species.
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Having kids is such
an important decision.
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We're just waiting
for the right time.
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It's not something you want
to rush into, obviously.
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No way.
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Oh, shit,
I'm pregnant again!
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Shit!
I got too many damn kids!
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- I thought you was on the pill or some shit!
- Hell, no!
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Shit! I must've been
thinkin' of Brittany.
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Brittany?
No, you didn't!
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- There's no way we could have a child now.
- Mm-mm.
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Not with the market
the way it is, no.
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God, no. That just
wouldn't make any sense.
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Come on over here, bitch!
He don't care about you!
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Yeah? Well, there must be
somethin' he likes over here.
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- She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!
- Clevon!
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Oh, shit.
It wasn't me! It wasn't me!
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Well, we finally decided
to have children...
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and I'm not pointing fingers,
but it's not going well.
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And this is helping.
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I'm just saying that before I have in vitro,
maybe you should be willing to-
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It's always me, right?
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Well, it's not
my sperm count.
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Yeah! Yeah!
I'm gonna fuck all y'all!
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That's my boy!
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Whoo! Whoo!
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Clevon is lucky
to be alive.
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He attempted to jump
a Jet Ski from a lake...
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into a swimming pool
and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.
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But thanks to recent advances
in stem cell research...
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and the fine work of Doctors Krinski
and Altschuler...
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Clevon should regain
full reproductive function.
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Get your hands
off my junk!
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Unfortunately, Trevor passed away
from a heart attack...
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while masturbating...
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to produce sperm
for artificial insemination.
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But I have
some eggs frozen...
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so just as soon as the right guy
comes along, you know-
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And so it went for generations...
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although few, if any,
seemed to notice.
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But in the year 2005, in a military base
just outside of Washington, D. C...
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a simple army librarian
was unknowingly...
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about to change the entire course
of human history.
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Come on, asshole!
Go on! Take him to jail!
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Hey, Bauers.
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This is Peterson,
your new replacement.
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- My what? I'm gettin' replaced?
- Yeah, they didn't tell you?
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- No.
- Some new assignment.
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They're being all weird
and hush-hush about it.
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I don't want a new assignment.
I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.
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- I'm good at this.
- Good at what? Sittin' on ass?
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No one ever comes in here.
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Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me.
No one bothers me. I can't screw up.
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If I can just stay in here another eight years,
I get my pension.
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I'm all set. Can you just
get me out of this?
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No way. Not this time.
It's coming from high up.
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Jesus. I don't understand.
Why me?
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Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow,
or get out of the way," I get out of the way.
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When he says that, you're not supposed
to choose "get out of the way. "
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It's supposed to embarrass you
into leading or at least following.
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That doesn't
embarrass me.
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Look, Joe.
You don't have a choice.
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You're just gonna
have to follow.
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Like, follow me upstairs,
like, now.
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Right now?
Shouldn't I train this guy?
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I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass
and watch TV all day. Let's go.
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Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers...
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our first subject for the Human
Hibernation Experiment.
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Now, as you know,
throughout the years...
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many of our best pilots,
soldiers and military leaders...
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often go their entire careers
without ever seeing battle.
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With the Human Hibernation Project,
we will be able to save our best men...
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frozen in their prime,
for use when they are needed most.
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Joe, here, is not
one of our best men.
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Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily
for how remarkably average he is.
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Extremely average in every
category. Remarkable, truly.
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The most average person
in our entire armed forces.
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Additionally, he has no family,
is unmarried...
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is an only child,
and both parents are deceased...
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making him an ideal candidate,
with no one to ask any nosy questions...
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should something go wrong
with the experiment.
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We had a little less luck in finding a female
researcher's dream within our ranks...
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and were forced to look
into the private sector.
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This is Rita. Like Joe,
she has no immediate family.
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Rita agreed to participate
in this experiment...
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in exchange for dropping
of certain criminal charges and a small fee.
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We did, however, have to come
to an arrangement with her pimp...
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a gentleman who goes by the name
Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly-
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With two D's, as he says,
for a double dose of this pimping.
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Upgrayedd agreed
to loan us Rita for exactly one year...
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and keep quiet on the matter,
in exchange for certain leeways...
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with the local authorities
in running his pimp game.
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First, however, there was
the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.
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Collins, could we skip
to the technicals, please?
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Sure.
Let me just finish here.
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You see, a pimp's love is very different
from that of a square.
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Collins!
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Fine. We'll move on.
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It is a fascinating
world though.
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Jesus, Collins.
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Yeah, that's-
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Anyway, the experiment
in which these two subjects...
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are to be placed
into a dry freeze...
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for exactly one year
is set to begin tomorrow.
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As you know,
this is highly classified.
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However, if successful, we believe humans
can be stored indefinitely.
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So this is kinda crazy, huh?
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- What unit are you with?
- Oh, I ain't in the service.
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Oh, private sector.
Okay.
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- So, uh, what do you do?
- A little of this, a little of that.
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Wow, that's great.
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You know, I really envy people
that can make a living that way-
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doing a little of this
and a little of that.
129
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I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen.
He used to make chainsaw sculptures...
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and then he'd sell 'em
at the flea market.
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Yeah.
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So, uh, you an artist
or somethin'?
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- Uh, yeah.
- You do paintings or-
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- Yeah, paintings.
- Okay, great.
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- Mm-hmm.
- What do you paint mostly?
136
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I don't know, just...
people and fruit and shit.
137
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Wow. Well, must be great to be able
to make a living doing something you love.
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Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
139
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Who wants to go first?
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Me.
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What the f- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.
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Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that
with the I. V. s attached and all.
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- What's the matter?
- Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me...
144
00:09:00,575 --> 00:09:02,668
in no damn coffin
with tubes and shit!
145
00:09:02,777 --> 00:09:05,769
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
It'll be safe. Trust me.
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Who's Upgrayedd?
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He's my boyfriend.
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Man, how do you know
this shit's safe?
149
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These guys know what they're doing.
Don't worry.
150
00:09:14,923 --> 00:09:17,687
They've tested it on dogs
and everything.
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What happens is, the drugs will kick in,
we drift off to sleep...
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we wake up in a year,
you'll be paintin' again.
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- It'll be fine.
- All right.
154
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Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name.
Is he Dutch?
155
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See, 'cause I knew this,
uh, Dutch exchange student.
156
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His name was Untgrad.
157
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Okay, my niggas,
we're almost set here.
158
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Just go ahead
and lie down. Relax.
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See you in a year.
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The Human Hibernation Project...
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was one of the army's most
ambitious experiments...
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and one of its most secretive.
163
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But it was not immune
from human error.
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Freeze!
165
00:10:16,051 --> 00:10:19,782
Soon after Collins's arrest
and the massive scandal that followed...
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the base was closed.
167
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It hadn't even been a year,
and the entire project was simply forgotten.
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Things looked bleak for Joe,
but they were even worse for mankind.
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As Joe and Rita lay dormant,
the years passed...
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and mankind became stupider
at a frightening rate.
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Some had high hopes
that genetic engineering...
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would correct this
trend in evolution.
173
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But sadly, the greatest minds
and resources...
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were focused on conquering hair loss
and prolonging erections.
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Meanwhile, the population exploded,
and intelligence continued to decline...
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until humanity was incapable
of solving even its most basic problems.
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Like garbage, which had been stacked
for centuries with no plan whatsoever...
178
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leading to the Great Garbage
Avalanche of 2505...
179
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which would set in motion the events
that would change the world forever.
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- Hold on.
- Next, on The Violence Channel...
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an all-new Ow! My Balls!
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All right.
183
00:12:34,656 --> 00:12:37,147
That guy got hit in the balls.
184
00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:39,783
Ow, my balls!
185
00:12:43,765 --> 00:12:45,665
Huh?
186
00:12:48,770 --> 00:12:53,298
Tires Squealing, Man Screaming]
- [Man Watching TV Laughs]
187
00:12:53,408 --> 00:12:55,899
- Where's-
- Hold on. Shut up!
188
00:13:08,356 --> 00:13:10,654
- Where's Officer Collins?
- Shut up!
189
00:13:10,758 --> 00:13:14,387
Next week on Ow! My Balls!
Hormel goes to Paris!
190
00:13:14,496 --> 00:13:19,229
- Are we on base?
- I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.
191
00:13:19,334 --> 00:13:22,770
In your face, ass!
Shut up.
192
00:13:22,871 --> 00:13:24,998
I'm sorry. It's just-
Where am I?
193
00:13:25,106 --> 00:13:27,301
Shut up!
I told you already!
194
00:13:34,516 --> 00:13:37,679
Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!
195
00:13:37,785 --> 00:13:39,446
Come in here
and not shut up.
196
00:13:39,554 --> 00:13:43,115
Yeah, you were like,
"I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like-
197
00:13:58,306 --> 00:14:00,706
Unaware of what year it was...
198
00:14:00,808 --> 00:14:03,800
Joe wandered the streets,
desperate for help.
199
00:14:03,912 --> 00:14:06,278
But the English language
had deteriorated...
200
00:14:06,381 --> 00:14:11,478
into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl,
inner-city slang and various grunts.
201
00:14:11,586 --> 00:14:15,022
Joe was able to understand them...
202
00:14:15,123 --> 00:14:18,490
but when he spoke
in an ordinary voice...
203
00:14:18,593 --> 00:14:21,187
he sounded pompous
and faggy to them.
204
00:14:37,412 --> 00:14:40,779
Paging Doc-
205
00:14:44,385 --> 00:14:47,320
Report to, uh-
206
00:14:47,422 --> 00:14:51,825
Dr. Lueboo...
207
00:14:51,926 --> 00:14:53,154
uh, report.
208
00:14:53,261 --> 00:14:56,128
Your floor-Your floor is now clean.
209
00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:58,460
Your floor-
Your floor is now clean.
210
00:14:58,566 --> 00:15:00,932
Your floor-
Your floor is now clean.
211
00:15:01,035 --> 00:15:06,166
Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment,
and I'm not feeling so well.
212
00:15:06,274 --> 00:15:08,868
I think it might have been
the drugs they had me on.
213
00:15:08,977 --> 00:15:11,104
I've been hallucinating.
214
00:15:11,212 --> 00:15:13,680
My head is just killin' me.
215
00:15:13,781 --> 00:15:16,807
My-My-My joints
are all achy and I-
216
00:15:18,553 --> 00:15:20,453
Is this a hospital or-
217
00:15:20,555 --> 00:15:24,685
Actually, I don't even know where I am.
218
00:15:24,792 --> 00:15:27,022
Please proceed
to the diagnostic area on the right...
219
00:15:27,128 --> 00:15:31,462
- and have a healthy day!
- Oh. Thanks.
220
00:15:31,566 --> 00:15:33,329
Thank you!
221
00:15:44,445 --> 00:15:48,541
Uh, 'scuse me. I think this
might be Gatorade or somethin'.
222
00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:51,551
- I was just looking for some regular water.
- Water?
223
00:15:51,653 --> 00:15:54,679
- Yeah.
- You mean like in the toilet? What for?
224
00:15:54,789 --> 00:15:57,690
You know, just to drink.
225
00:16:05,867 --> 00:16:07,732
You've got hepatitis!
226
00:16:07,835 --> 00:16:10,599
Oh, is someone not
feeling well?
227
00:16:10,705 --> 00:16:14,266
Your illness
is very important to us.
228
00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:17,242
- Next.
- Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno...
229
00:16:17,345 --> 00:16:19,370
- powered by Jormi Technology.
- Uh, this goes in your mouth.
230
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:24,918
This one goes in your ear.
And this one goes in your butt.
231
00:16:27,689 --> 00:16:28,883
Come on.
232
00:16:28,990 --> 00:16:31,891
- Hurry up, asshole!
- Come on!
233
00:16:33,695 --> 00:16:35,925
Shit. Hang on a second.
234
00:16:37,699 --> 00:16:40,133
This one- No.
235
00:16:40,234 --> 00:16:42,065
- Hey, come on.
- Uh-
236
00:16:42,170 --> 00:16:45,367
- Hurry up!
- This one. This one goes in your mouth.
237
00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:49,642
Come on!
238
00:16:55,183 --> 00:16:58,209
Thank you for waiting.
Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.
239
00:17:03,758 --> 00:17:06,556
That's a weird misprint.
240
00:17:07,895 --> 00:17:11,763
Hey.
How's it hang, ese?
241
00:17:11,866 --> 00:17:15,563
Yeah. Right.
Well, not so good, you know.
242
00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:18,662
I don't really know what's going on,
but I'm seein' things.
243
00:17:18,773 --> 00:17:21,674
I think it might be because of
these drugs the army put me on.
244
00:17:21,776 --> 00:17:25,473
But, if you could, uh, just get me
well enough to get back to base-
245
00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:28,242
Right. Kick ass.
246
00:17:28,349 --> 00:17:31,477
Well, don't wanna sound
like a dick or nothin'...
247
00:17:31,586 --> 00:17:34,419
but, uh, it says on your chart
that you're fucked up.
248
00:17:34,522 --> 00:17:38,014
You talk like a fag,
and your shit's all retarded.
249
00:17:38,126 --> 00:17:42,495
What I'd do is just like,
like, you know...
250
00:17:42,597 --> 00:17:46,033
like, you know what I mean? Like-
251
00:17:46,134 --> 00:17:50,400
- No, I'm serious here.
- Don't worry, scrot.
252
00:17:50,505 --> 00:17:53,531
Now there are plenty of 'tards
out there living really kick-ass lives.
253
00:17:53,641 --> 00:17:57,008
My first wife was 'tarded.
She's a pilot now.
254
00:17:57,111 --> 00:18:00,979
I need for you to be serious
for a second here, okay? I need help.
255
00:18:01,082 --> 00:18:02,845
There's that fag talk
we talked about.
256
00:18:02,950 --> 00:18:06,784
All right, so that'll be...
this many dollars.
257
00:18:06,888 --> 00:18:10,949
And if you could just go ahead and,
like, put your tattoo in that shit.
258
00:18:11,058 --> 00:18:14,994
That's weird. This thing has the same
misprint as that magazine.
259
00:18:15,096 --> 00:18:19,157
- What are the odds of-
- Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?
260
00:18:19,267 --> 00:18:22,031
Why don't you have this?
261
00:18:24,739 --> 00:18:26,639
Oh, God.
262
00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:31,801
- Where's your tattoo?
- Oh, my God.
263
00:18:31,913 --> 00:18:34,381
Why come you don't
have a tattoo?
264
00:18:35,983 --> 00:18:39,043
- Oh, my God!
- You're not unscannable, are you?
265
00:18:40,288 --> 00:18:42,483
Oh, my God!
266
00:18:42,590 --> 00:18:46,026
You're unscannable.
267
00:18:46,127 --> 00:18:48,925
- Unscannable!
- No! No, you don't understand!
268
00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:51,590
You gotta let me talk
to someone in the army! Wait a second.
269
00:18:51,699 --> 00:18:54,532
They're all dead.
Everybody I know's dead!
270
00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:56,364
Oh, my God! Oh!
271
00:18:58,439 --> 00:19:01,602
- No! Stop! Calm down!
- Calm down! Calm down!
272
00:19:01,709 --> 00:19:03,870
- How'd this happen?
- How did it happen?
273
00:19:03,978 --> 00:19:07,209
Your floor is now clean.
274
00:19:07,315 --> 00:19:09,579
Your floor is now clean.
275
00:19:29,971 --> 00:19:33,907
Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.
276
00:19:34,008 --> 00:19:37,239
The economy was
in a state of deep neglect.
277
00:19:37,345 --> 00:19:40,803
A great dust bowl
had ravaged food supplies.
278
00:19:40,915 --> 00:19:45,750
And the number one movie
in the country was called Ass.
279
00:19:47,555 --> 00:19:50,683
And that's all it was
for 90 minutes.
280
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:57,957
It won eight Oscars that year,
including best screenplay.
281
00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:05,130
Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.
282
00:20:05,239 --> 00:20:08,231
You didn't gimme no fries.
I got an empty box.
283
00:20:08,342 --> 00:20:11,175
Would you like another
Extra Big-Ass Fries?
284
00:20:11,279 --> 00:20:12,974
I said I didn't get any.
285
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,945
Thank you. Your account has been charged.
286
00:20:15,049 --> 00:20:16,949
Your balance is zero.
287
00:20:17,051 --> 00:20:20,543
- What? Oh, no. No!
- Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.
288
00:20:20,655 --> 00:20:22,555
I'm sorry you're having trouble.
289
00:20:22,657 --> 00:20:25,182
- Come on! My kids are starvin'.
- I'm sorry you're having trouble.
290
00:20:27,695 --> 00:20:30,186
This should
help you calm down.
291
00:20:30,298 --> 00:20:33,165
Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.
292
00:20:33,267 --> 00:20:38,466
Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes
no child should go hungry.
293
00:20:38,572 --> 00:20:43,532
You are an unfit mother. Your children
will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.
294
00:20:43,644 --> 00:20:46,670
Carl's Jr.
"Fuck you. I'm eating. "
295
00:20:48,015 --> 00:20:49,846
Welcome to Carl's Jr.
296
00:20:49,951 --> 00:20:53,546
Would you like to try
our Extra Big-Ass Taco...
297
00:20:53,654 --> 00:20:56,214
now with more molecules?
298
00:20:56,324 --> 00:20:59,316
Hey! Is this particular
individual the unfit mother?
299
00:20:59,427 --> 00:21:03,363
- Me? No.
- Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.
300
00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:08,998
Listen, I can explain, okay?
I was in an army experiment.
301
00:21:11,906 --> 00:21:14,500
Wait a second. There's the other pod
from the army experiment.
302
00:21:14,608 --> 00:21:16,872
There was a girl.
She was from the same experiment.
303
00:21:16,978 --> 00:21:20,345
Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.
304
00:21:20,448 --> 00:21:22,473
Joe was arrested for not
paying his hospital bill...
305
00:21:22,583 --> 00:21:26,019
and not having
his U. P. C. tattoo.
306
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:31,422
He would soon discover that
in the future, justice was not only blind...
307
00:21:31,525 --> 00:21:35,325
but had become
rather retarded as well.
308
00:21:35,429 --> 00:21:38,398
You shut up! Now-
309
00:21:40,101 --> 00:21:42,831
I'm fixin' to commensurate
this trial here.
310
00:21:42,937 --> 00:21:47,567
We gonna see if we can't
come up with a verdict up in here.
311
00:21:47,675 --> 00:21:51,839
Now, since y'all
say you ain't got no money...
312
00:21:51,946 --> 00:21:55,279
we have "proprietarily"
obtained for you...
313
00:21:55,383 --> 00:21:59,217
one of them
court-appointed lawyers.
314
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:04,348
So, put your hands together
and give it up for Frito Pendejo.
315
00:22:04,458 --> 00:22:06,187
You're my lawyer?
316
00:22:06,293 --> 00:22:10,627
Says here you, uh,
robbed a hospital?
317
00:22:10,731 --> 00:22:13,131
- Why'd you do that?
- Yeah. I'm not guilty.
318
00:22:13,234 --> 00:22:16,032
- That's not what the other lawyer said.
- What do you mean what the-
319
00:22:16,137 --> 00:22:18,105
Listen, you gotta get me
on the stand, okay?
320
00:22:18,205 --> 00:22:21,197
I can explain everything. We can take 'em
to your house, show 'em the pod.
321
00:22:21,308 --> 00:22:23,572
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
322
00:22:23,677 --> 00:22:27,113
Now, prosecutor,
why you think he done it?
323
00:22:27,214 --> 00:22:30,240
Okay, number one, Your Honor,
just look at him.
324
00:22:32,887 --> 00:22:35,879
He talks like a fag too.
325
00:22:35,990 --> 00:22:39,687
And "B," we've got all this,
like, evidence...
326
00:22:39,794 --> 00:22:42,729
of how, like, this guy didn't
even pay at the hospital.
327
00:22:42,830 --> 00:22:45,765
And I heard that he doesn't
even have his tattoo.
328
00:22:45,866 --> 00:22:48,130
I know!
329
00:22:48,235 --> 00:22:51,762
And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me. "
But check this out, man.
330
00:22:51,872 --> 00:22:54,773
Judge should be like, "Guilty. "
Peace.
331
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:03,179
- Objection!
- What are you objectifyin' on?
332
00:23:03,284 --> 00:23:05,548
- Come on. Just get me on the stand.
- Okay.
333
00:23:06,587 --> 00:23:09,317
- Um, Your Honor?
- Hmm?
334
00:23:09,423 --> 00:23:11,254
I object...
335
00:23:11,358 --> 00:23:15,351
that this guy also broke
my apartment to shit.
336
00:23:15,463 --> 00:23:17,454
- Yeah.
- What?
337
00:23:17,565 --> 00:23:22,093
And you know what else? I object that
he's not gonna have any money to pay me...
338
00:23:22,203 --> 00:23:25,331
after he pays back all the money
he stole from the hospital!
339
00:23:25,439 --> 00:23:27,430
Don't say I stole.
You're my lawyer.
340
00:23:27,541 --> 00:23:29,475
And I object.
341
00:23:29,577 --> 00:23:33,445
I object that he interrupted me
while I was watching Ow! My Balls!
342
00:23:33,547 --> 00:23:38,007
That is not okay! And I rest my case!
343
00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:40,519
Your Honor, I'm pretty sure
we have a mistrial here, sir.
344
00:23:40,621 --> 00:23:43,988
- I'm gonna mistrial my foot up
your ass, you don't shut up.
345
00:23:44,091 --> 00:23:46,559
- Please, listen.
- "Please, listen. "
346
00:23:46,660 --> 00:23:48,389
I didn't steal anything.
347
00:23:48,496 --> 00:23:50,396
I was part of an army
experiment-
348
00:23:50,498 --> 00:23:53,490
Joe stated his case logically and passionately...
349
00:23:53,601 --> 00:23:58,698
but his perceived effeminate voice
only drew big gales of stupid laughter.
350
00:23:58,806 --> 00:24:00,467
Guilty!
351
00:24:00,574 --> 00:24:05,204
Without adequate legal representation,
Joe was given a stiff sentence.
352
00:24:05,312 --> 00:24:10,011
Meanwhile, Rita had awakened
to find that the world's oldest profession...
353
00:24:10,117 --> 00:24:14,218
was a lot easier when the world
is populated by morons.
354
00:24:14,321 --> 00:24:18,052
Welcome to AOL, Time Warner,
Taco Bell, U. S. Government long distance.
355
00:24:18,159 --> 00:24:20,525
Please say the name
of the person you wish to call.
356
00:24:20,628 --> 00:24:22,459
Upgrayedd.
357
00:24:23,597 --> 00:24:28,159
There are 9,726 listings
for Upgrayedd.
358
00:24:28,269 --> 00:24:30,533
Please deposit $2,000
to begin connection.
359
00:24:30,638 --> 00:24:32,538
- Man, what?
- Oh, yeah, baby.
360
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,108
Hey, look, can you just-
can you wait a second, please?
361
00:24:35,209 --> 00:24:39,578
Oh, yeah, baby.
I can wait so good.
362
00:24:40,614 --> 00:24:42,548
Really?
363
00:24:43,851 --> 00:24:46,183
Think, uh-You think maybe
you could wait a day?
364
00:24:46,287 --> 00:24:48,414
Baby, I can wait two days.
365
00:24:48,522 --> 00:24:53,084
Huh. That's good,
'cause I charge by the hour.
366
00:24:53,194 --> 00:24:57,130
Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad
you waited, baby.
367
00:24:57,231 --> 00:24:59,131
Thank you very much,
young man.
368
00:25:01,402 --> 00:25:03,063
What the fuck?
369
00:25:03,170 --> 00:25:05,695
Goddamn, shit's changed
in a year.
370
00:25:07,708 --> 00:25:09,608
What are we doin' here?
371
00:25:09,710 --> 00:25:12,201
Okay, sir, we're engaged
in procuring your tattoo.
372
00:25:15,216 --> 00:25:18,379
Welcome to
the Identity Processing Program of America.
373
00:25:18,485 --> 00:25:23,149
Please insert your forearm
into the forearm receptacle.
374
00:25:24,258 --> 00:25:26,158
Thank you.
375
00:25:26,260 --> 00:25:30,219
Please speak your name as it appears
on your current federal identity card-
376
00:25:30,331 --> 00:25:33,732
- Document number G24L8.
- I'm not sure if-
377
00:25:33,834 --> 00:25:37,827
You have entered the name "Not Sure. "
Is this correct, Not Sure?
378
00:25:37,938 --> 00:25:39,838
No, it's not correct.
379
00:25:39,940 --> 00:25:43,535
Thank you. "Not" is correct.
Is "Sure" correct?
380
00:25:43,644 --> 00:25:45,669
No, it's not. My name is Joe-
381
00:25:45,779 --> 00:25:47,610
You've already confirmed
your first name is Not.
382
00:25:47,715 --> 00:25:51,344
- Please confirm your last name, "Sure. "
- My-
383
00:25:51,452 --> 00:25:53,852
My last name is not Sure.
384
00:25:53,954 --> 00:25:56,582
- Thank you, Not Sure.
- No. What I mean is my name is Joe.
385
00:25:56,690 --> 00:26:02,026
Confirmation is complete. Please wait
while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.
386
00:26:04,131 --> 00:26:06,964
- Wait a second. Can we start over?
Can I cancel this?
387
00:26:07,067 --> 00:26:09,501
Can we cancel this and just go back
to the beginning?
388
00:26:09,603 --> 00:26:12,834
They're gonna tat-
Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?
389
00:26:12,940 --> 00:26:15,966
- Ow!
- Please hold still for your photograph.
390
00:26:25,486 --> 00:26:28,046
Oh, that's fuckin' great.
391
00:26:30,591 --> 00:26:32,491
Okay, sir...
392
00:26:32,593 --> 00:26:36,927
now we will begin to proceed
to obtain your I. Q. and "apitude" tests.
393
00:26:37,031 --> 00:26:38,965
What for?
394
00:26:39,066 --> 00:26:43,298
Okay, sir, this is to figure out
what your "aptude's" good at...
395
00:26:43,404 --> 00:26:48,535
and get you a jail job while
you're being a particular individual in jail.
396
00:26:48,642 --> 00:26:51,577
If you have one bucket that holds two gallons...
397
00:26:51,679 --> 00:26:54,239
and another bucket
that holds five gallons...
398
00:26:54,348 --> 00:26:57,112
how many buckets
do you have?
399
00:26:59,053 --> 00:27:00,953
Two?
400
00:27:01,055 --> 00:27:03,023
Thank you.
401
00:27:42,996 --> 00:27:44,964
'Too.
402
00:28:07,488 --> 00:28:10,150
Desperate and scared...
403
00:28:10,257 --> 00:28:13,055
Joe used his superior
intelligence...
404
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,061
to come up with the best
escape plan he could think of.
405
00:28:16,163 --> 00:28:21,795
Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed
to be getting out of prison today, sir.
406
00:28:23,003 --> 00:28:25,062
Yeah.
407
00:28:25,172 --> 00:28:28,107
You're in the wrong line,
dumb ass. Over there.
408
00:28:28,208 --> 00:28:31,507
I'm sorry. I am being
a big dumb ass. Sorry.
409
00:28:31,612 --> 00:28:33,273
Hey, uh,
let this dumb ass through.
410
00:28:50,330 --> 00:28:53,026
- 'Too.
- Yeah. Got it.
411
00:28:55,436 --> 00:29:00,806
Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here.
So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.
412
00:29:00,908 --> 00:29:02,808
Could you check again?
413
00:29:02,910 --> 00:29:05,970
'Cause, I was, you know-
I was definitely in prison, okay?
414
00:29:06,079 --> 00:29:10,015
I got sat on my face and everything.
Maybe check those files back there?
415
00:29:16,590 --> 00:29:20,856
"Excape. " "Excape. "
416
00:29:20,961 --> 00:29:23,521
"Excape. " "Excape. "
417
00:29:23,630 --> 00:29:27,396
"Excape. " "Excape. "
418
00:29:44,751 --> 00:29:46,651
The Masturbation Network.
419
00:29:46,753 --> 00:29:50,245
Keepin' America 'batin'
for 300 years.
420
00:29:50,357 --> 00:29:53,053
And now, Sweet Bang Tube.
421
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:57,927
Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece.
422
00:29:58,031 --> 00:30:00,022
Oh, yeah, that's-
423
00:30:00,133 --> 00:30:02,033
Go away! 'Batin'!
424
00:30:04,137 --> 00:30:06,332
Damn it.
425
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:08,931
All right.
426
00:30:10,944 --> 00:30:13,879
Hey. Hey, get out of here.
Hey, get out of here!
427
00:30:13,981 --> 00:30:18,077
No, wait, listen. You let me,
an innocent man, get thrown in jail.
428
00:30:18,185 --> 00:30:21,552
So? Shut up,
'cause you broke my house.
429
00:30:21,655 --> 00:30:24,590
Hey, I could have you disbarred-
disbarred- for what you did to me.
430
00:30:24,691 --> 00:30:27,353
Then maybe you'd go to jail
for not havin' any money.
431
00:30:27,461 --> 00:30:29,554
Oh, really?
432
00:30:29,663 --> 00:30:32,962
Yeah, really. Now, look.
Okay, here's the deal.
433
00:30:33,066 --> 00:30:35,057
I've been thinking.
It's been 500 years.
434
00:30:35,168 --> 00:30:38,137
Someone has to have invented a way
to travel back in time by now.
435
00:30:38,238 --> 00:30:41,139
You know, I think they were pretty close
even in my day. You know?
436
00:30:41,241 --> 00:30:43,141
- With Einstein and guys like that?
- Uh-huh.
437
00:30:43,243 --> 00:30:45,803
- You know, scientists? You know?
- Uh.
438
00:30:47,147 --> 00:30:49,047
A time machine,
for time travel.
439
00:30:49,149 --> 00:30:51,777
- Do they have one?
- What?
440
00:30:56,089 --> 00:30:59,991
Jesus. I knew that was
too much to hope for.
441
00:31:01,094 --> 00:31:03,221
No, no, they got
a time machine.
442
00:31:03,330 --> 00:31:05,230
- They do?
- Yeah.
443
00:31:05,332 --> 00:31:07,232
- Are-Are-Are you sure?
- Yeah.
444
00:31:07,334 --> 00:31:11,168
- Can it get me back to 2005?
- Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.
445
00:31:11,271 --> 00:31:14,502
And it breaks all the time 'cause
some smart guy made it a long time ago.
446
00:31:14,608 --> 00:31:16,769
I don't care.
Just get me there, okay?
447
00:31:16,877 --> 00:31:18,344
- Well-
- Please!
448
00:31:18,445 --> 00:31:21,676
Listen, I- I-
I "supersize" with you...
449
00:31:21,782 --> 00:31:24,546
but didn't you go to jail
for not havin' enough money?
450
00:31:24,651 --> 00:31:28,781
Okay, how about this? You get me
to the time machine, and when I get back...
451
00:31:28,889 --> 00:31:30,880
I open a savings account
in your name.
452
00:31:30,991 --> 00:31:33,516
That way, 500 years later,
it'll be worth billions.
453
00:31:33,627 --> 00:31:35,151
- Billions!
- 'Cause?
454
00:31:35,262 --> 00:31:38,095
'Cause of the interest,
it'll be worth billions of dollars.
455
00:31:38,198 --> 00:31:40,758
- Oh, I- I like money.
- Yeah.
456
00:31:40,867 --> 00:31:43,859
- How many billions?
- Like, 10.
457
00:31:43,971 --> 00:31:47,134
Yeah, suck one.
Time machine costs, like, 20.
458
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:50,038
Yeah? Okay.
Uh, 30, Frito.
459
00:31:50,143 --> 00:31:53,306
Thirty billion dollars.
460
00:31:53,413 --> 00:31:57,850
Thirty billion.
So if you gave me 30 billion...
461
00:31:57,951 --> 00:31:59,942
and the time machine's 20-
462
00:32:00,053 --> 00:32:01,987
What's the minus
of 30 and 20?
463
00:32:02,089 --> 00:32:04,819
Uh, it's, uh-
it's 80, Frito.
464
00:32:04,925 --> 00:32:07,450
It's $80 billion.
That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?
465
00:32:07,561 --> 00:32:11,292
- Yeah. I like money though.
- Police! Open the door!
466
00:32:11,398 --> 00:32:13,559
We're looking for an "excaped" individual.
467
00:32:13,667 --> 00:32:17,262
- This particular individual's name is Not Sure.
- Eighty billion.
468
00:32:17,371 --> 00:32:21,364
Oh, um, he-
He's... somewhere else.
469
00:32:21,475 --> 00:32:25,809
- You got something I can wear? - Yeah. There's
Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle.
470
00:32:25,912 --> 00:32:28,039
A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.
471
00:32:28,148 --> 00:32:30,912
Seemed to be heading
for this particular "domistile. "
472
00:32:31,018 --> 00:32:33,418
Okay, sir, we're comin' in.
473
00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:35,818
- No, you can't come in.
- Can too!
474
00:32:35,922 --> 00:32:37,981
- Come on!
- All right, let's go get my billions.
475
00:32:40,293 --> 00:32:44,354
Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find
this girl, Rita, first, okay?
476
00:32:44,464 --> 00:32:47,228
- Is she bangin'?
- Yeah, sure, she is.
477
00:32:47,334 --> 00:32:49,234
That wasn't really
part of the deal.
478
00:32:49,336 --> 00:32:53,238
- Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right?
- I like money.
479
00:32:53,340 --> 00:32:56,400
Okay, her pod's up here on the right.
She shouldn't be far away, I hope.
480
00:32:56,510 --> 00:33:01,277
Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah?
So when we gonna do it?
481
00:33:01,381 --> 00:33:04,714
'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour,
and it's been, like, three days.
482
00:33:04,818 --> 00:33:08,811
Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon.
Hey, you know what?
483
00:33:08,922 --> 00:33:11,550
Why don't you
come back tomorrow?
484
00:33:11,658 --> 00:33:14,286
- Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah!
- Yeah?
485
00:33:14,394 --> 00:33:17,557
When I finally utilize you,
you gonna be paying me.
486
00:33:17,664 --> 00:33:21,122
That's right.
Whatever you say, sir.
487
00:33:21,234 --> 00:33:23,702
- Hey, you still on the clock!
- Yeah, girl.
488
00:33:23,804 --> 00:33:26,932
- Thank you!
- Rita!
489
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:30,908
Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment.
Get in the car! Come on.
490
00:33:31,011 --> 00:33:33,309
Oh, yeah!
What the hell, man?
491
00:33:33,413 --> 00:33:35,313
Just get in the car.
I'll explain everything.
492
00:33:35,415 --> 00:33:37,906
- Where we going?
- Just get in the car.
493
00:33:38,018 --> 00:33:40,179
- Trust me.
- What happened to those army guys?
494
00:33:43,056 --> 00:33:45,547
Wait a minute. You got cops after you?
495
00:33:45,659 --> 00:33:49,288
- Yeah.
- And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole!
496
00:33:49,396 --> 00:33:51,864
Frito, take a right here.
Right, right!
497
00:33:51,965 --> 00:33:53,933
Into that dust storm,
Frito.
498
00:34:00,107 --> 00:34:02,166
They must have just forgotten about us.
499
00:34:02,275 --> 00:34:05,676
It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no!
500
00:34:05,779 --> 00:34:09,977
Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad
when I'm a day late with his money!
501
00:34:10,083 --> 00:34:12,176
So, you owe
your boyfriend money?
502
00:34:12,285 --> 00:34:14,776
Well, yeah,
he's sort of my manager too.
503
00:34:14,888 --> 00:34:18,688
You know, he helps me sell
the paintings and shit.
504
00:34:18,792 --> 00:34:24,128
Look, Rita, you gotta understand that
Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.
505
00:34:24,231 --> 00:34:27,029
- Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right?
- Yeah.
506
00:34:27,134 --> 00:34:30,661
Yeah, there's a time machine
now that can take us back to the past...
507
00:34:30,771 --> 00:34:33,171
but there was no
time machine back then, so-
508
00:34:33,273 --> 00:34:36,208
Upgrayedd don't care where
the time machine is. Now, then, last week-
509
00:34:36,309 --> 00:34:39,278
He will find a way
to come get his money!
510
00:34:39,379 --> 00:34:42,473
- All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it-
- You know what?
511
00:34:42,582 --> 00:34:45,142
Last time you told me not to worry
was 500 goddamn years ago...
512
00:34:45,252 --> 00:34:47,618
when you were trying to tell me
to get into some coffin.
513
00:34:47,721 --> 00:34:49,712
- Look, Rita, I don't know
how this happened, okay?
514
00:34:49,823 --> 00:34:53,122
But I'm doing everything I can
to get us back there, okay? I promise you.
515
00:34:53,226 --> 00:34:56,787
You are harboring
a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.
516
00:34:56,897 --> 00:35:00,526
Please, pull over and wait for the police
to incarcerate your passenger.
517
00:35:00,634 --> 00:35:03,535
- Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here.
- Thank you for your help.
518
00:35:03,637 --> 00:35:05,867
If you don't have one of these,
they're gonna throw you in jail.
519
00:35:05,972 --> 00:35:08,964
You don't want to get thrown in the jails here.
I've been in them.
520
00:35:09,075 --> 00:35:11,805
They're bad. You're better off being with us,
as bad as that sounds.
521
00:35:11,912 --> 00:35:15,905
- What are you doing? Why are we slowing down?
- Turned off my battery.
522
00:35:20,353 --> 00:35:23,811
Look, how far is it?
Can we just take a cab or something?
523
00:35:27,661 --> 00:35:28,923
Oh, shit.
524
00:35:36,870 --> 00:35:39,498
Oh! Oh, shit!
525
00:35:39,606 --> 00:35:41,836
Yeah!
526
00:35:41,942 --> 00:35:45,241
What the hell's wrong
with you? That's your car.
527
00:35:46,446 --> 00:35:50,177
Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire!
528
00:35:50,283 --> 00:35:52,080
Come on!
Let's get out of here.
529
00:36:01,561 --> 00:36:03,552
Hey, how much farther is it?
530
00:36:04,865 --> 00:36:07,698
Uh, it's, like, far.
531
00:36:07,801 --> 00:36:11,237
Man, I could really
go for a Starbucks, you know?
532
00:36:11,338 --> 00:36:14,899
Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time
for a hand job, Joe.
533
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:23,672
Man, he don't seem too bright.
You sure he knows where he's going?
534
00:36:23,783 --> 00:36:25,978
I sure hope so.
He's our only chance.
535
00:36:26,086 --> 00:36:29,613
How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?
536
00:36:29,723 --> 00:36:33,989
He's my lawyer.
And he's not a very good one either.
537
00:36:34,094 --> 00:36:36,654
He's a goddamned idiot.
538
00:36:36,763 --> 00:36:41,564
There's a shuttle down in the Costco.
It'll drop us right by the time machine.
539
00:36:59,853 --> 00:37:03,550
Jesus Christ.
Oh, look. One more thing.
540
00:37:03,657 --> 00:37:07,058
He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars
if he takes us there.
541
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:11,290
So if he mentions anything about
a savings account, just play along, okay?
542
00:37:11,398 --> 00:37:13,298
Yeah, what if this
time machine don't work?
543
00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:16,699
Then I'll spend
the rest of my life trying to fix it.
544
00:37:21,474 --> 00:37:27,003
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
Welcome to Costco. I love you.
545
00:37:28,114 --> 00:37:30,480
Welcome to Costco.
I love you.
546
00:37:32,585 --> 00:37:36,385
Shuttle's down there in electronics,
about an hour from here.
547
00:37:44,331 --> 00:37:46,663
We've been walking forever.
You sure you know where you're going?
548
00:37:46,766 --> 00:37:50,258
Yeah, I know this place pretty good.
I went to law school here.
549
00:37:50,370 --> 00:37:52,304
In Costco?
550
00:37:52,405 --> 00:37:54,805
Yeah. I couldn't
believe it myself.
551
00:37:54,908 --> 00:37:58,571
Luckily, my dad was an alumnus
and pulled some strings.
552
00:38:00,013 --> 00:38:02,811
Hey, come on, Joe.
I already told you...
553
00:38:02,916 --> 00:38:06,010
we'd all like a hand job,
but we don't have time for it.
554
00:38:15,762 --> 00:38:17,662
Hey, baby, wanna go out?
555
00:38:17,764 --> 00:38:20,324
Wanna go out, honey?
556
00:38:27,040 --> 00:38:29,668
Shuttle comes every few minutes.
Shouldn't be long.
557
00:38:29,776 --> 00:38:33,507
Do I got time to use the bathroom?
558
00:38:35,715 --> 00:38:38,411
- Uh, the toilet.
- Be right back.
559
00:38:39,319 --> 00:38:41,787
Yeah,
back that thing up.
560
00:38:41,888 --> 00:38:44,186
- Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe?
- What?
561
00:38:44,290 --> 00:38:46,121
- I like having sex with chicks.
- Yeah?
562
00:38:46,226 --> 00:38:48,126
- Yeah.
- I think everybody does, Frito.
563
00:38:48,228 --> 00:38:51,595
Not like I do. Like when you
get it like this, sideways.
564
00:38:51,698 --> 00:38:54,223
Then you just, like,
back it up. And then you-
565
00:38:54,334 --> 00:38:56,529
- That's real good.
- Then you- Oh, yeah!
566
00:38:56,636 --> 00:38:58,729
Stop! You're gonna
get us caught, okay?
567
00:38:58,838 --> 00:39:00,738
Warning! Warning!
568
00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:03,365
Costco has detected a dangerous
fugitive in aisle 16,702.
569
00:39:03,476 --> 00:39:05,910
Hey! What about Rita?
We can't just leave her here.
570
00:39:06,012 --> 00:39:08,242
I don't care.
Come on!
571
00:39:08,348 --> 00:39:12,717
Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?
572
00:39:12,819 --> 00:39:14,753
Wait, okay, I know.
Here's what we do.
573
00:39:14,854 --> 00:39:17,618
We go to the time machine,
then when I get back to the past...
574
00:39:17,724 --> 00:39:19,658
I tell her not
to do the experiment.
575
00:39:19,759 --> 00:39:21,954
- Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right?
- Uh-
576
00:39:22,062 --> 00:39:24,030
- No, wait.
Please stand clear of the doors.
577
00:39:24,130 --> 00:39:26,928
She already is here. That must mean
I didn't go back in time, right?
578
00:39:27,033 --> 00:39:30,230
- Uh- - No, wait, hold on. It
just means I haven't done it yet.
579
00:39:30,336 --> 00:39:33,134
Okay, so I go back and I tell
her not to do the experiment.
580
00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:35,799
Then I won't have to do it either
because she won't be here.
581
00:39:35,909 --> 00:39:38,309
- Then I won't have to come
back and save her, right? - I-
582
00:39:38,411 --> 00:39:41,073
- But then, wait. Why am I still here?
- Uh-
583
00:39:41,181 --> 00:39:43,149
Goddamn, how does
this time travel work?
584
00:39:43,249 --> 00:39:47,117
- Please stand clear.
- Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!
585
00:39:47,220 --> 00:39:49,916
- Put your hands up!
- Don't move! Freeze!
586
00:40:00,066 --> 00:40:03,126
Look, if you guys are
taking me back to that jail...
587
00:40:03,236 --> 00:40:05,966
just go ahead and shoot me,
'cause there's no way-
588
00:40:06,072 --> 00:40:09,337
Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!
589
00:40:09,442 --> 00:40:13,936
- What?
- Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.
590
00:40:14,047 --> 00:40:15,981
What?
591
00:40:16,082 --> 00:40:18,312
- Ow! God! Hey, stop!
- Damn it.
592
00:40:20,253 --> 00:40:23,950
- What is this?
- Okay, sir, this is the White House.
593
00:40:24,057 --> 00:40:26,355
- What are we doing at the White House?
- What?
594
00:40:26,459 --> 00:40:28,757
Ow! Ow! Goddamn!
595
00:40:28,862 --> 00:40:32,320
It turned out the results
of Joe's I. Q. test...
596
00:40:32,432 --> 00:40:36,528
had caught the attention
of the highest levels of government.
597
00:40:36,636 --> 00:40:40,800
Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy
in the world? Says who?
598
00:40:40,907 --> 00:40:43,000
The I. Q. test you
took in prison.
599
00:40:43,109 --> 00:40:45,873
You got the highest score in history.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
600
00:40:45,979 --> 00:40:48,880
Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter
than President Camacho.
601
00:40:48,982 --> 00:40:51,746
That's how come he's making
you secretary of interior.
602
00:40:51,851 --> 00:40:53,819
Okay, so who are you?
603
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:55,649
I'm the secretary of energy.
604
00:40:55,755 --> 00:40:58,417
He won a contest.
Got to be a cabinet member.
605
00:40:58,525 --> 00:41:02,325
I'm the secretary of state.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
606
00:41:02,428 --> 00:41:05,693
- Why do you keep saying that?
- 'Cause they pay me every time I do.
607
00:41:05,798 --> 00:41:09,666
It's a really good way to make money.
You're so smart, why don't you know that?
608
00:41:11,437 --> 00:41:13,997
- He's the secretary of defense.
- Hi.
609
00:41:14,107 --> 00:41:17,076
And, uh, funbags over there
is the attorney general.
610
00:41:17,177 --> 00:41:19,509
Hi.
611
00:41:19,612 --> 00:41:21,773
And that's
the secretary of education.
612
00:41:23,850 --> 00:41:27,217
He's kinda stupid, but he's
President Camacho's stepbrother.
613
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:29,550
Still, he does
a pretty good job, eh?
614
00:41:29,656 --> 00:41:33,217
You know, I think there's been
some kind of mistake...
615
00:41:33,326 --> 00:41:36,784
'cause the test I took
was real, real easy.
616
00:41:36,896 --> 00:41:40,889
I'm not the smartest guy
in the world. Okay?
617
00:41:45,205 --> 00:41:49,164
Okay, even if that were true,
I can't be the secretary of the interior.
618
00:41:49,275 --> 00:41:52,733
- I don't even know what it is.
- You better find out.
619
00:41:52,845 --> 00:41:55,712
- Sit down. It's President Camacho.
- Hey, hey, hey, yo...
620
00:41:55,815 --> 00:41:59,774
I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby,
so I need y'all to wait outside.
621
00:41:59,886 --> 00:42:04,823
Dwayne Elizondo Camacho,
five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion...
622
00:42:04,924 --> 00:42:08,883
porn superstar, and president
of the United States...
623
00:42:08,995 --> 00:42:12,396
had called a special summit
with the smartest man in the world.
624
00:42:12,498 --> 00:42:15,126
- So you smart, huh?
- No, no.
625
00:42:18,571 --> 00:42:21,734
I thought your head would be bigger.
626
00:42:24,711 --> 00:42:26,838
Goddamn.
627
00:42:26,946 --> 00:42:29,312
It look like a peanut.
628
00:42:29,415 --> 00:42:31,349
Let's get you sworn in.
629
00:42:46,232 --> 00:42:49,599
Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America!
630
00:42:53,206 --> 00:42:55,674
President Camacho!
631
00:42:56,709 --> 00:42:59,473
Shut up.
632
00:42:59,579 --> 00:43:03,640
Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down.
633
00:43:03,750 --> 00:43:05,308
Chill out.
634
00:43:09,555 --> 00:43:10,988
Shit.
635
00:43:13,293 --> 00:43:16,456
I know shit's bad right now
with all that starvin' bullshit.
636
00:43:16,562 --> 00:43:21,131
And the dust storms. And we runnin'
out of French fries and burrito coverings.
637
00:43:21,234 --> 00:43:22,861
Yeah!
638
00:43:22,969 --> 00:43:25,870
- But I got a solution.
- That's what you said last time, dipshit!
639
00:43:25,972 --> 00:43:27,872
I got a solution.
You're a dick!
640
00:43:27,974 --> 00:43:30,568
South Carolina, "whassup?"
641
00:43:38,017 --> 00:43:41,248
That's what I thought!
642
00:43:44,057 --> 00:43:47,322
Now, I understand everyone's
shit's emotional right now...
643
00:43:47,427 --> 00:43:49,952
but listen up.
644
00:43:50,063 --> 00:43:52,827
I got a three-point plan
to fix everything.
645
00:43:52,932 --> 00:43:54,422
Break it down, Camacho!
646
00:43:54,534 --> 00:43:59,733
Number one,
we got this guy, Not Sure.
647
00:43:59,839 --> 00:44:04,674
- Number two, he's got a higher
I. Q. than any man alive.
648
00:44:04,777 --> 00:44:09,077
And number three, he's gonna fix everything.
649
00:44:09,182 --> 00:44:12,413
I give you my word
as president.
650
00:44:12,518 --> 00:44:15,043
He'll fix the problems
with all the dead crops.
651
00:44:15,154 --> 00:44:17,554
He's gonna
make 'em grow again.
652
00:44:17,657 --> 00:44:22,617
- Crops?
- And that ain't all. I give you my word.
653
00:44:24,697 --> 00:44:27,757
He's gonna fix
the dust storms too.
654
00:44:29,502 --> 00:44:32,096
I give you my word.
655
00:44:32,205 --> 00:44:35,732
He's gonna
fix the "ecomony. "
656
00:44:37,844 --> 00:44:40,608
And he's so smart...
657
00:44:40,713 --> 00:44:45,912
he's gonna do it all in one week.
658
00:44:46,018 --> 00:44:49,579
President Camacho stood before
the world and promised everyone...
659
00:44:49,689 --> 00:44:53,284
that Joe would solve
all their problems.
660
00:44:53,393 --> 00:44:57,557
He would not only end the dust bowl
and heal the economy...
661
00:44:57,663 --> 00:45:00,291
but he would cure acne
and carsickness as well.
662
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:02,664
And if he didn't...
663
00:45:02,769 --> 00:45:05,260
President Camacho
made another promise.
664
00:45:05,371 --> 00:45:09,000
He would kick Joe's smart balls
all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth.
665
00:45:09,108 --> 00:45:13,272
- And then, he would throw
his brainy ass back in jail.
666
00:45:17,683 --> 00:45:19,878
I should, uh, be honest
with you, Mr. President.
667
00:45:19,986 --> 00:45:22,113
I don't know how to be
secretary of anything.
668
00:45:22,221 --> 00:45:23,688
I mean, I've never
even voted, actually.
669
00:45:23,790 --> 00:45:26,588
I don't know what the secretary
of the interior even is.
670
00:45:26,692 --> 00:45:31,356
Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy.
It beats jail, don't it?
671
00:45:31,464 --> 00:45:35,798
Besides,
you do a kick-ass job...
672
00:45:35,902 --> 00:45:38,132
you get a full
presidential pardon.
673
00:45:38,237 --> 00:45:40,137
- No jail time.
- Yeah?
674
00:45:40,239 --> 00:45:43,868
Fuck, yeah!
Now gimme a beer.
675
00:45:43,976 --> 00:45:46,035
And get you one too.
676
00:45:51,918 --> 00:45:53,943
Shit!
677
00:45:54,053 --> 00:45:56,521
Hold on, vato!
678
00:45:56,622 --> 00:45:58,351
Whoo!
679
00:46:18,945 --> 00:46:21,072
- Do somethin' smart.
- Yeah.
680
00:46:22,448 --> 00:46:26,077
Uh, okay.
Uh-
681
00:46:26,185 --> 00:46:29,245
I'll, uh-
682
00:46:29,355 --> 00:46:32,916
- Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.
- Oh, okay. Great, thanks.
683
00:46:33,025 --> 00:46:38,019
Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know,
confer with my counsel.
684
00:46:38,130 --> 00:46:39,995
You understand?
So I'll be right back.
685
00:46:40,099 --> 00:46:43,466
Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff,
get that taken care of.
686
00:46:43,569 --> 00:46:48,233
- Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here.
- Sounds pretty smart.
687
00:46:48,341 --> 00:46:50,309
Wait here, okay?
Wait there.
688
00:46:50,409 --> 00:46:53,242
Dude, this is trepidatious.
You got me a room at the White House.
689
00:46:53,346 --> 00:46:55,314
Everyone gets laid at the White House.
Everyone.
690
00:46:55,414 --> 00:46:57,041
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
691
00:46:57,149 --> 00:47:00,585
I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito,
but I brought you here to help me.
692
00:47:00,686 --> 00:47:03,348
I don't know the first thing
about growin' crops...
693
00:47:03,456 --> 00:47:05,686
much less
the goddamn "ecomony. "
694
00:47:05,791 --> 00:47:07,725
Econ-Economy.
695
00:47:07,827 --> 00:47:10,762
Let's see.
Growin' crops-
696
00:47:10,863 --> 00:47:14,526
No, I just need you to tell me
how to get to the time machine.
697
00:47:14,634 --> 00:47:18,798
Oh, that's easy.
You go down by the museum and stuff.
698
00:47:18,905 --> 00:47:20,930
It's, like-
It's, like, by the museum...
699
00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:23,634
sort of, but, well,
actually, not really.
700
00:47:23,743 --> 00:47:28,271
More like- But on the street. You go, um-
Wait. Let me start over.
701
00:47:28,381 --> 00:47:30,246
Okay, you know
where the time machine is?
702
00:47:30,349 --> 00:47:33,318
Hey. Just draw me
a map, okay?
703
00:47:33,419 --> 00:47:36,047
You still want the money?
704
00:47:36,155 --> 00:47:38,988
Oh. If I had some money
and a room at the White House...
705
00:47:39,091 --> 00:47:43,994
- I would be like, "It's mine, all night!"
- Listen. Cut it out!
706
00:47:44,096 --> 00:47:46,894
Listen, I told these people
that you were smart, okay?
707
00:47:46,999 --> 00:47:49,229
- So act smart!
- Smart like you?
708
00:47:49,335 --> 00:47:52,827
"Oh, I gotta go
to the time machine. I wanna go home. "
709
00:47:52,939 --> 00:47:55,737
- I don't talk like that.
- "I don't talk like that. "
710
00:47:55,841 --> 00:47:57,775
Shit, I thought
there was two of you.
711
00:47:57,877 --> 00:47:59,674
See?
712
00:47:59,779 --> 00:48:02,339
Doesn't look that big, is it?
713
00:48:02,448 --> 00:48:05,576
Okay. Let's go take a look
at those crops.
714
00:48:05,685 --> 00:48:09,678
Especially the ones, uh, you know,
out around the museum area.
715
00:48:11,290 --> 00:48:13,986
All right?
Hey, come on!
716
00:48:15,928 --> 00:48:20,490
Now, you either lead, follow,
or get out of the way. All right?
717
00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:23,933
Whoa.
Did you just make that up?
718
00:48:24,036 --> 00:48:26,971
Yes, I did.
Now look...
719
00:48:27,073 --> 00:48:29,667
I also need help finding this girl named Rita,
like, immediately...
720
00:48:29,775 --> 00:48:32,175
- and Frito will give you a hand with it.
- Why?
721
00:48:33,913 --> 00:48:39,044
Well, because, uh, you know,
she'd be an essential... integral... asset...
722
00:48:39,151 --> 00:48:43,952
you know, for our team,
for us to, you know, utilize.
723
00:48:50,596 --> 00:48:53,497
Utilize her!
Utilize her!
724
00:48:53,599 --> 00:48:55,692
Utilize!
725
00:48:55,801 --> 00:48:58,861
Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?
726
00:48:58,971 --> 00:49:01,667
Oh, yeah.
Butt first!
727
00:49:03,809 --> 00:49:06,512
- Utilize her!
- Okay.
728
00:49:12,151 --> 00:49:15,518
Dang! May I approach
your benches?
729
00:49:21,127 --> 00:49:23,755
Uh, yeah.
This sucks pretty bad.
730
00:49:23,863 --> 00:49:26,696
Frito, why don't you come over here and,
uh, take a look at this?
731
00:49:26,799 --> 00:49:30,235
Come on. Hustle over here, buddy.
I wanna figure this out.
732
00:49:30,336 --> 00:49:34,136
See, uh, just not a lot of moisture.
Have you got the map?
733
00:49:34,240 --> 00:49:36,208
- Oh, yeah.
- Discreetly.
734
00:49:40,546 --> 00:49:43,310
- It's right there.
- I see it. I see it.
735
00:49:43,416 --> 00:49:45,976
Stand up with me.
736
00:49:46,085 --> 00:49:49,953
Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure.
They found that whore you wanted.
737
00:49:50,056 --> 00:49:53,048
Hey, that may be how you refer
to women in the future, but come on.
738
00:49:53,159 --> 00:49:57,425
No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy
a lotta money and didn't put out.
739
00:49:57,530 --> 00:49:59,521
Don't worry though.
We'll get her out...
740
00:49:59,632 --> 00:50:02,931
on a work-release whorin' license
as long as you're doin' her.
741
00:50:03,035 --> 00:50:06,232
Get your hands off me. What do you think
I'm gonna do, run through the field?
742
00:50:06,338 --> 00:50:08,670
What the fuck
are you all starin' at?
743
00:50:08,774 --> 00:50:10,799
- Joe?
- That's Not Sure, ma'am.
744
00:50:10,910 --> 00:50:14,812
- Secretary Not Sure.
- Secretary? Secretary of what?
745
00:50:14,914 --> 00:50:19,510
Say, would you guys mind if we had
a little moment together? Alone?
746
00:50:19,618 --> 00:50:24,021
You know,
in the bushes?
747
00:50:25,758 --> 00:50:27,692
Oh, man.
748
00:50:36,268 --> 00:50:39,829
- Fuck her, Joe!
- Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out?
749
00:50:39,939 --> 00:50:41,964
No, thanks.
I can handle it. Yeah.
750
00:50:42,074 --> 00:50:45,305
I thought you was in jail.
How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?
751
00:50:45,411 --> 00:50:47,709
Just keep walking.
I'll explain everything.
752
00:50:56,489 --> 00:50:58,457
Okay.
Get ready to run.
753
00:51:00,926 --> 00:51:03,554
- What?
- Oh, goddamn it.
754
00:51:03,662 --> 00:51:06,460
Way to go, Frito. You know what?
Just make a run for it anyways.
755
00:51:06,565 --> 00:51:08,499
We'll ask for directions
on the way.
756
00:51:08,601 --> 00:51:11,764
No way. I spent the last two days
looking for it. It ain't easy to find.
757
00:51:11,871 --> 00:51:14,840
Damn it. I can't go back to jail,
and I sure can't solve these problems.
758
00:51:14,940 --> 00:51:18,068
All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd
before he finds me.
759
00:51:18,177 --> 00:51:21,544
Listen to me. Upgrayedd
cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!
760
00:51:21,647 --> 00:51:24,377
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd...
761
00:51:24,483 --> 00:51:26,474
could somehow magically
travel through time...
762
00:51:26,585 --> 00:51:30,021
we got secret service guys with huge guns
protecting us, okay?
763
00:51:30,122 --> 00:51:32,022
So don't worry.
You're safe.
764
00:51:32,124 --> 00:51:35,287
And you know what? It's none of my business,
but when we get back...
765
00:51:35,394 --> 00:51:38,022
you and Upgrayedd should seriously think
about couples counseling, okay?
766
00:51:38,130 --> 00:51:42,567
And you should also think about maybe finding
an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.
767
00:51:42,668 --> 00:51:46,764
Hey!
She's not puttin' out?
768
00:51:46,872 --> 00:51:51,002
Uh, no, she is.
We, uh-We already did it.
769
00:51:51,110 --> 00:51:53,601
Yeah. He was great.
770
00:51:55,815 --> 00:51:59,478
Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys
were wonderin', uh...
771
00:51:59,585 --> 00:52:01,553
if we'd go family-style
on her.
772
00:52:04,089 --> 00:52:07,547
Uh, yeah,
probably not right now.
773
00:52:07,660 --> 00:52:11,118
We should focus on the crops.
So let's get back to work. Maybe later.
774
00:52:18,237 --> 00:52:19,932
What the hell is this?
775
00:52:22,842 --> 00:52:26,710
- Tastes like Gatorade.
- Is that that Brawndo stuff?
776
00:52:26,812 --> 00:52:30,543
They're watering crops
with a sports drink?
777
00:52:32,218 --> 00:52:34,948
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator
had come to replace water...
778
00:52:35,054 --> 00:52:37,215
virtually everywhere.
779
00:52:37,323 --> 00:52:39,518
Water, the basic component
of all life...
780
00:52:39,625 --> 00:52:42,617
had been deemed a threat
to Brawndo's profit margin.
781
00:52:42,728 --> 00:52:46,220
The solution came during
the budget crisis of 2330...
782
00:52:46,332 --> 00:52:51,167
when the Brawndo Corporation
simply bought the F. D. A...
783
00:52:51,270 --> 00:52:52,737
and the F. C. C...
784
00:52:52,838 --> 00:52:55,068
enabling them to say,
do and sell...
785
00:52:55,174 --> 00:52:57,074
anything they wanted.
786
00:53:02,114 --> 00:53:04,742
Joe didn't know
any of this...
787
00:53:04,850 --> 00:53:08,843
but he did see a problem
that he might actually be able to solve.
788
00:53:08,954 --> 00:53:13,516
- With his options running out,
Joe took a bold step.
789
00:53:13,626 --> 00:53:15,753
He would not
get out of the way.
790
00:53:15,861 --> 00:53:18,728
This time, he would lead.
791
00:53:18,831 --> 00:53:20,856
For the last time,
I'm pretty sure...
792
00:53:20,966 --> 00:53:23,935
what's killing the crops
is this Brawndo stuff.
793
00:53:24,036 --> 00:53:26,800
But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
It's got electrolytes.
794
00:53:26,906 --> 00:53:28,965
So wait a minute.
What you're saying...
795
00:53:29,074 --> 00:53:32,874
is that you want us
to put water on the crops.
796
00:53:32,978 --> 00:53:36,004
- Yes.
- Water. Like out the toilet?
797
00:53:36,115 --> 00:53:40,108
Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be
out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.
798
00:53:40,219 --> 00:53:43,552
- But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- It's got electrolytes.
799
00:53:43,656 --> 00:53:45,624
Okay, look.
800
00:53:45,724 --> 00:53:49,216
The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure
that the Brawndo's not working.
801
00:53:49,328 --> 00:53:53,992
Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know
that if you put water on plants, they grow.
802
00:53:54,099 --> 00:53:57,796
Well, I've never seen no plants
grow out of no toilet.
803
00:53:57,903 --> 00:54:01,168
Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't
the smartest guy in the world?
804
00:54:01,273 --> 00:54:05,232
- You wanna solve this problem.
I wanna get my pardon.
805
00:54:05,344 --> 00:54:09,303
So why don't we just try it, okay,
and not worry about what plants crave?
806
00:54:09,415 --> 00:54:11,883
Brawndo's got
what plants crave.
807
00:54:11,984 --> 00:54:14,509
- Goddamn it.
- Yeah, it's got electrolytes.
808
00:54:14,620 --> 00:54:17,054
What are electrolytes?
Do you even know?
809
00:54:17,156 --> 00:54:19,920
It's what they use
to make Brawndo.
810
00:54:20,025 --> 00:54:22,653
Yeah, but why do they
use them to make Brawndo?
811
00:54:22,761 --> 00:54:25,321
'Cause Brawndo's
got electrolytes.
812
00:54:28,334 --> 00:54:32,771
After several hours,
Joe finally gave up on logic and reason...
813
00:54:32,871 --> 00:54:35,931
and simply told the cabinet
that he could talk to plants...
814
00:54:36,041 --> 00:54:38,669
and that they wanted water.
815
00:54:39,778 --> 00:54:42,110
He made believers
out of everyone.
816
00:54:42,214 --> 00:54:45,775
Joe didn't know it,
but the beloved electrolytes...
817
00:54:45,884 --> 00:54:49,843
were salts that had been
building up in the topsoil over the decades...
818
00:54:49,955 --> 00:54:52,685
killing plants
and leading to the dust bowl.
819
00:54:52,791 --> 00:54:58,525
As secretary of the interior,
Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water...
820
00:54:58,630 --> 00:55:03,761
promising that, over time, plants would grow
and the dust bowl would end.
821
00:55:03,869 --> 00:55:07,896
He was on the fast track
to a full presidential pardon.
822
00:55:08,007 --> 00:55:11,135
Or so it seemed.
823
00:55:12,244 --> 00:55:16,146
Man, I hope somethin'
grows fast.
824
00:55:16,248 --> 00:55:18,239
Yeah. So we can haul
our ass back home.
825
00:55:18,350 --> 00:55:21,945
Man. You really think those people
would have starved to death?
826
00:55:23,489 --> 00:55:28,119
I don't know. I mean, how did the world
ever get like this?
827
00:55:28,227 --> 00:55:32,095
You know things are bad
when they're comin' to me for answers.
828
00:55:32,197 --> 00:55:34,961
- It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone.
- Mm-hmm.
829
00:55:35,067 --> 00:55:37,297
- I'm not used to it.
- Yeah. Me neither.
830
00:55:40,039 --> 00:55:43,770
You think Einstein walked around thinkin'
everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?
831
00:55:43,876 --> 00:55:46,436
Yeah.
Hadn't thought of that.
832
00:55:46,545 --> 00:55:50,675
- Now you know why he built that bomb.
- Yeah.
833
00:55:53,085 --> 00:55:55,280
Hey, Joe, listen.
Those cops-
834
00:55:55,387 --> 00:55:57,651
- Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that.
- No. No.
835
00:55:57,756 --> 00:56:00,782
They said that
you got me a pardon.
836
00:56:00,893 --> 00:56:03,919
You know, if you hadn't done that,
I'd still be in jail right now, so...
837
00:56:05,230 --> 00:56:07,858
I guess I owe you one.
838
00:56:10,069 --> 00:56:13,630
You know, you don't have to sleep
on the floor if you don't want to.
839
00:56:15,040 --> 00:56:19,204
Oh. No. I'm-
I'm all right. Yeah.
840
00:56:19,311 --> 00:56:23,372
Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd
would be too happy about that.
841
00:56:23,482 --> 00:56:25,143
You in bed with a stranger.
842
00:56:26,885 --> 00:56:29,149
Yeah.
843
00:56:32,057 --> 00:56:33,888
I know. I know.
844
00:56:35,994 --> 00:56:40,988
Yeah. Oh, boy.
845
00:56:48,941 --> 00:56:51,501
Oh, shit.
It's Upgrayedd.
846
00:56:51,610 --> 00:56:54,044
Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.
847
00:56:54,146 --> 00:56:56,444
Given enough time,
Joe's plan might have worked.
848
00:56:56,548 --> 00:56:58,880
But when the Brawndo stock
suddenly dropped to zero...
849
00:56:58,984 --> 00:57:01,418
leaving half the population
unemployed...
850
00:57:01,520 --> 00:57:05,217
dumb, angry mobs took to the streets,
rioting and looting...
851
00:57:05,324 --> 00:57:07,258
and screaming
for Joe's head.
852
00:57:07,359 --> 00:57:10,055
An emergency cabinet meeting
was called...
853
00:57:10,162 --> 00:57:12,494
with the C. E. O.
of the Brawndo Corporation.
854
00:57:12,598 --> 00:57:15,066
How come nobody's buying
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?
855
00:57:15,167 --> 00:57:17,533
Aw, shit. Half the country
works for Brawndo.
856
00:57:17,636 --> 00:57:20,400
Not anymore!
The stock has dropped to zero...
857
00:57:20,506 --> 00:57:22,667
and the computer did
that auto-layoff thing to everybody.
858
00:57:22,774 --> 00:57:25,334
- We're all unemployed!
- You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?
859
00:57:25,444 --> 00:57:29,505
- Why is this happening?
- I think it's because we switched to water, but-
860
00:57:29,615 --> 00:57:32,106
- You mean this is all your fault?
- What?
861
00:57:32,217 --> 00:57:36,051
Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started
happening when we switched to water!
862
00:57:36,155 --> 00:57:40,057
Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you
by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
863
00:57:42,794 --> 00:57:44,591
Fox News.
864
00:57:47,833 --> 00:57:50,893
He tried taking water
from toilets...
865
00:57:51,003 --> 00:57:54,939
but it's Secretary Not Sure
who finds himself in the toilet now.
866
00:57:55,040 --> 00:57:56,940
And as history
pulls down its pants...
867
00:57:57,042 --> 00:58:00,307
and prepares to lower its ass
on Not Sure's head...
868
00:58:00,412 --> 00:58:04,405
it will be Daddy Justice
who will be crapping on him this time.
869
00:58:04,516 --> 00:58:08,714
We now go live to Violence Channel
correspondent Formica Davis...
870
00:58:08,820 --> 00:58:12,688
at the Extreme Court
with highlights on today's trial.
871
00:58:15,194 --> 00:58:19,392
Thank you, Velveeta.
Well, it started off boring and slow...
872
00:58:19,498 --> 00:58:23,059
with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone
with a bunch of smart talk.
873
00:58:23,168 --> 00:58:27,264
Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me!
874
00:58:27,372 --> 00:58:29,363
That part of the trial sucked.
875
00:58:29,474 --> 00:58:32,136
But then, the chief "J"
just went off.
876
00:58:32,244 --> 00:58:34,269
He said, "Man, whatever.
877
00:58:34,379 --> 00:58:36,973
The guy's guilty as shit.
We all know that. "
878
00:58:37,082 --> 00:58:40,848
And he sentenced his ass
to one night of Rehabilitation.
879
00:58:40,953 --> 00:58:43,513
Hey, rehabilitation?
One night?
880
00:58:43,622 --> 00:58:45,522
Doesn't sound so bad.
881
00:58:45,624 --> 00:58:47,489
Not so bad, huh?
882
00:58:47,593 --> 00:58:50,858
Here's some highlights
from last week's Rehabilitation.
883
00:59:01,840 --> 00:59:04,934
And who could forget that wonderful finish...
884
00:59:05,043 --> 00:59:07,534
by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?
885
00:59:07,646 --> 00:59:11,343
And tomorrow night looks even more better.
886
00:59:11,450 --> 00:59:15,853
Word is that Beef Supreme himself
might come out of retirement.
887
00:59:15,954 --> 00:59:18,650
Wow. Thank you, Formica.
888
00:59:20,125 --> 00:59:23,117
So you think you can escape again
like you did last time?
889
00:59:23,228 --> 00:59:26,026
- No. They pretty much fixed that.
- How?
890
00:59:26,131 --> 00:59:28,395
They chained me
to a big rock.
891
00:59:29,801 --> 00:59:31,701
- Oh.
- Yeah.
892
00:59:31,803 --> 00:59:33,998
Look, Rita, get Frito.
893
00:59:34,106 --> 00:59:37,234
Get him to take you back to the time machine
without me. Don't wait.
894
00:59:37,342 --> 00:59:41,369
No. You could have split on me before,
but you didn't.
895
00:59:41,480 --> 00:59:44,881
Look, you wanna pay me back?
Just go back, okay?
896
00:59:44,983 --> 00:59:47,543
Tell people to read books.
897
00:59:47,653 --> 00:59:49,746
Tell people to stay in school,
you know.
898
00:59:49,855 --> 00:59:53,382
Tell people to just
use their brains or something.
899
00:59:53,492 --> 00:59:56,689
I think maybe the world got like this
because of people like me.
900
00:59:56,795 --> 01:00:01,391
I never did anything with my life.
At least you were an artist, you know?
901
01:00:01,500 --> 01:00:04,060
- So just go back and-
- Visit's over!
902
01:00:07,039 --> 01:00:10,497
And Rita, whatever you do,
keep painting, okay?
903
01:00:12,044 --> 01:00:14,012
Good luck, Joe.
904
01:00:21,219 --> 01:00:24,086
Okay, that's five down and one more to go.
905
01:00:24,189 --> 01:00:27,886
Are you ready for a monster-truck duel
to the death?
906
01:00:27,993 --> 01:00:31,520
Yeah! Let's give it up
for the Guitar Army.
907
01:00:33,632 --> 01:00:35,600
Okay, we're gonna do this shit.
908
01:00:35,701 --> 01:00:38,864
But first, to lead us
in our Natural Anthem...
909
01:00:38,970 --> 01:00:43,737
the star of Ow! My Balls!
Hormel Chavez!
910
01:00:43,842 --> 01:00:46,777
Thank you. Thank you.
911
01:00:46,878 --> 01:00:51,872
Hey! Come here!
912
01:00:51,983 --> 01:00:55,544
Come here!
913
01:00:55,654 --> 01:00:57,554
Right in the balls!
914
01:00:57,656 --> 01:01:02,457
That's just how that shit went on TV!
915
01:01:02,561 --> 01:01:06,793
This execution is brought to you
by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.
916
01:01:06,898 --> 01:01:08,798
After you've killed someone...
917
01:01:08,900 --> 01:01:10,834
- your body needs electrolytes.
- Yeah.
918
01:01:10,936 --> 01:01:14,235
So, my car's out front...
919
01:01:14,339 --> 01:01:16,603
whenever you want me
to take you...
920
01:01:16,708 --> 01:01:18,938
to the time machine.
921
01:01:19,044 --> 01:01:20,978
Thanks, Frito.
922
01:01:21,079 --> 01:01:23,172
- Yeah.
- I can't hear you!
923
01:01:23,281 --> 01:01:26,478
That's a real bummer
about Joe, huh?
924
01:01:26,585 --> 01:01:29,179
- I can't hear you!
- Yeah.
925
01:01:29,287 --> 01:01:34,748
Oh! Can you turn this up?
I love Rehabilitation.
926
01:01:46,271 --> 01:01:50,731
Okay. Let's meet
our rehabilitation officers for tonight.
927
01:01:50,842 --> 01:01:54,141
With a combined record
of 62 kills...
928
01:01:54,246 --> 01:01:59,081
please welcome Vinny Mawumba
in the Dildozer!
929
01:02:04,890 --> 01:02:10,658
And his brother Bobby Mawumba
in the Ass Blaster!
930
01:02:10,762 --> 01:02:12,730
I get a truck too, right?
931
01:02:12,831 --> 01:02:15,561
Yeah.
Here it comes.
932
01:02:25,210 --> 01:02:27,178
Get in.
933
01:02:31,683 --> 01:02:34,049
You still got
the chain attached.
934
01:02:36,254 --> 01:02:38,814
- Door won't shut.
- What about the chain?
935
01:02:38,924 --> 01:02:40,892
- We could break it.
- No. He could escape.
936
01:02:40,992 --> 01:02:44,553
- I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk.
- Yeah. That'll work.
937
01:02:48,133 --> 01:02:51,694
- Who's smart now?
- Let's bring out our criminal.
938
01:02:51,803 --> 01:02:54,931
He tried to ruin the country
by pouring toilet water on crops.
939
01:02:55,040 --> 01:02:57,440
He cost millions of people
their jobs.
940
01:02:57,542 --> 01:03:00,875
Let's get ready
to rehabilitate Not Sure!
941
01:03:12,891 --> 01:03:15,257
Never would have guessed
this is how I was gonna die.
942
01:03:15,360 --> 01:03:18,261
Are you ready for some car-on-car action?
943
01:03:18,363 --> 01:03:20,331
Yes.
944
01:03:21,433 --> 01:03:24,266
- I can't watch this.
- This is-
945
01:03:24,369 --> 01:03:28,863
This is gonna be so sad.
I hope I don't cry.
946
01:03:30,675 --> 01:03:34,577
Holy shit!
Frito, come here! Look!
947
01:03:34,679 --> 01:03:37,147
He was right.
The water- it worked.
948
01:03:37,249 --> 01:03:39,877
Frito, can you
get me over there?
949
01:03:40,852 --> 01:03:42,752
Yes.
950
01:03:42,854 --> 01:03:45,846
No, you fuckin' moron.
To the Rehabilitation place.
951
01:03:45,957 --> 01:03:47,982
- Uh, this way.
- Yeah!
952
01:03:52,564 --> 01:03:54,464
Come on, Frito.
Hurry!
953
01:03:54,566 --> 01:03:57,592
And now the dude that
everybody came here to see...
954
01:03:57,702 --> 01:04:01,297
- Yeah!
- the only undefeated officer ever in history...
955
01:04:01,406 --> 01:04:04,933
coming out of retirement
just to pound Not Sure's ass...
956
01:04:05,043 --> 01:04:10,003
driving the biggest, hugest correctional
vehicle ever built in history-
957
01:04:10,115 --> 01:04:13,983
bigger than the Dildozer,
bigger than the Ass Blaster...
958
01:04:14,085 --> 01:04:18,112
bigger and huger than everything
ever before in history-
959
01:04:18,223 --> 01:04:21,158
the brand-new Assdozer!
960
01:04:21,259 --> 01:04:23,955
Give it up for Beef Supreme!
961
01:04:27,532 --> 01:04:29,432
Oh!
962
01:04:35,440 --> 01:04:37,374
Oh!
963
01:04:51,756 --> 01:04:55,021
Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?
964
01:04:55,126 --> 01:04:57,617
We seem to be
"experimenting"...
965
01:04:57,729 --> 01:05:01,028
some "techmological"
differences...
966
01:05:01,132 --> 01:05:03,032
so, uh, shit.
967
01:05:03,134 --> 01:05:06,501
Frito, look!
968
01:05:06,605 --> 01:05:08,800
- It's working everywhere!
- Huh.
969
01:05:08,907 --> 01:05:12,968
Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.
970
01:05:13,078 --> 01:05:16,206
- Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was-
- Man.
971
01:05:16,314 --> 01:05:18,339
- Hey!
- Oh, oh, okay.
972
01:05:18,450 --> 01:05:20,645
- Get this shit started!
- We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.
973
01:05:20,752 --> 01:05:24,483
Let the rehabilitation begin!
974
01:05:34,032 --> 01:05:36,592
Oh, shit.
975
01:05:36,701 --> 01:05:39,602
Come on. Come on.
976
01:05:39,704 --> 01:05:42,172
Come on, Frito. Hurry!
977
01:05:44,809 --> 01:05:47,505
Oh!
978
01:05:52,217 --> 01:05:53,741
Goddamn it.
979
01:05:56,154 --> 01:06:00,022
- Yeah!
- Jesus, that was close.
980
01:06:02,527 --> 01:06:05,428
Mr. President! Mr. President,
I need to talk to you.
981
01:06:05,530 --> 01:06:07,725
You gotta stop this thing.
He was right about the water.
982
01:06:07,832 --> 01:06:10,733
We passed some crops
on the way here. They're growing.
983
01:06:10,835 --> 01:06:12,735
I didn't see no crops.
984
01:06:13,872 --> 01:06:15,567
They're circling around.
985
01:06:15,674 --> 01:06:18,199
They're gonna do
the Malachi Crunch on him!
986
01:06:20,845 --> 01:06:24,246
- This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody.
- Oh!
987
01:06:45,070 --> 01:06:48,062
So, uh-So the winner is, uh-
988
01:06:49,874 --> 01:06:53,071
- You gotta be shittin' me.
- Did he win?
989
01:06:55,947 --> 01:06:58,142
Uh-oh. Look.
990
01:07:00,018 --> 01:07:03,749
Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme!
991
01:07:11,096 --> 01:07:12,859
Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah!
992
01:07:12,964 --> 01:07:17,230
Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember
those crops we saw off the road...
993
01:07:17,335 --> 01:07:19,963
- right by the Starbucks?
- Uh-huh.
994
01:07:20,071 --> 01:07:24,167
- Hey. Wanna make some money?
- I like money.
995
01:07:38,389 --> 01:07:42,689
Hey, um, the, uh- the main
screen is malfunctioning...
996
01:07:42,794 --> 01:07:45,319
and they gonna need you
outside immediately.
997
01:07:48,533 --> 01:07:51,559
There's a bunch of whores
in the hallway.
998
01:07:54,739 --> 01:07:57,230
Come on, Frito.
Hurry.
999
01:07:58,309 --> 01:08:00,402
Can't believe
you like money too.
1000
01:08:00,512 --> 01:08:03,003
- We should hang out.
- Totally.
1001
01:08:28,339 --> 01:08:30,364
He's behind the truck!
1002
01:08:32,477 --> 01:08:35,241
Yes! Yes!
1003
01:08:36,614 --> 01:08:38,673
- He's behind the fucking truck!
- He's over there!
1004
01:08:38,783 --> 01:08:40,842
Behind the truck, stupid!
1005
01:08:51,162 --> 01:08:52,754
Look!
1006
01:08:54,966 --> 01:08:58,527
Shit.
That's a good deal.
1007
01:08:58,636 --> 01:09:03,130
- Extra foam.
- I got a bunch of money too.
1008
01:09:03,241 --> 01:09:05,869
- Forgot what it was for.
- Huh.
1009
01:09:07,145 --> 01:09:10,945
- You think it was for lattes?
- Yeah. Probably.
1010
01:09:11,049 --> 01:09:15,315
- You like money and sex? You're trippin' me out.
- What the fuck?
1011
01:09:17,555 --> 01:09:19,785
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
1012
01:09:29,434 --> 01:09:33,302
- Just hold on, okay?
Everyone just take it easy, okay?
1013
01:09:33,404 --> 01:09:35,304
Can I just
say something here?
1014
01:09:37,709 --> 01:09:40,644
I don't even know
what I'm guilty of here.
1015
01:09:40,745 --> 01:09:44,647
I never said that I was the smartest person
on earth. You people did.
1016
01:09:44,749 --> 01:09:48,412
I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs
and all your money...
1017
01:09:48,519 --> 01:09:50,646
and I'm very sorry
that that happened.
1018
01:09:50,755 --> 01:09:52,780
But I'm tellin' you...
1019
01:09:52,891 --> 01:09:55,257
if you put water on the crops,
it might actually-
1020
01:09:55,360 --> 01:09:58,352
No, it will work.
I promise you!
1021
01:09:58,463 --> 01:10:02,866
You just have to believe me.
I just wanted to help you. That's all.
1022
01:10:02,967 --> 01:10:07,802
So you can try and shoot me.
You can try and run me over, whatever.
1023
01:10:07,906 --> 01:10:11,364
But I just want you to ask yourselves
one question first.
1024
01:10:12,577 --> 01:10:15,102
Do you really want to live
in a world...
1025
01:10:15,213 --> 01:10:18,705
where you try to blow up the one person
that's tryin' to help you?
1026
01:10:29,560 --> 01:10:31,790
Hold on. Just hold on.
1027
01:10:53,184 --> 01:10:55,379
Oh, man.
That was great.
1028
01:10:55,486 --> 01:10:59,149
Hey, was I wearing pants
when we went in there?
1029
01:10:59,257 --> 01:11:02,658
Shit. What do I look like,
a pants goblin?
1030
01:11:02,760 --> 01:11:06,093
Wait.
This reminds me of something.
1031
01:11:06,197 --> 01:11:09,064
Uh, "Rehabil-Rehabilate-
1032
01:11:09,167 --> 01:11:12,364
- Rehabilation. "
- Why do you keep trying to read that word?
1033
01:11:12,470 --> 01:11:15,997
- You a fag?
- I'll fag your face!
1034
01:11:24,649 --> 01:11:27,675
- Come on, Frito.
- Yeah. I don't think so.
1035
01:11:29,053 --> 01:11:31,521
Oh, yeah.
1036
01:12:13,031 --> 01:12:17,491
This guy just got
his ass a pardon!
1037
01:12:25,510 --> 01:12:27,273
Yeah!
1038
01:12:41,559 --> 01:12:44,995
Man, Rita. I mean,
I don't know what to say.
1039
01:12:45,096 --> 01:12:48,361
You saved my life.
No one's ever done anything like that for me.
1040
01:12:48,466 --> 01:12:50,366
Yeah, well...
1041
01:12:50,468 --> 01:12:53,494
you were looking out for the whole world so,
you know...
1042
01:12:53,604 --> 01:12:57,301
- I thought someone should look out for you too.
- Thanks.
1043
01:12:58,910 --> 01:13:01,276
I can't believe I'm even
saying this, but...
1044
01:13:01,379 --> 01:13:03,370
even though these people
tried to kill me...
1045
01:13:03,481 --> 01:13:06,939
- you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em.
- Yeah.
1046
01:13:07,051 --> 01:13:09,884
Frito- he's gonna give us
a ride back to the time machine.
1047
01:13:09,987 --> 01:13:13,218
I just, uh-
I hope he's okay to drive.
1048
01:13:14,659 --> 01:13:17,787
It's you. Oh, man,
I really love your show.
1049
01:13:17,895 --> 01:13:20,193
Thank you so much.
1050
01:13:20,298 --> 01:13:25,463
- Uh, Joe, I'm not going.
- What?
1051
01:13:27,271 --> 01:13:31,139
I had some pretty bad habits back there
that I don't want to fall into again.
1052
01:13:31,242 --> 01:13:33,210
Maybe it's time
I got a new start.
1053
01:13:33,311 --> 01:13:37,441
Besides, they offered me
a pretty good job at Starbucks here.
1054
01:13:37,548 --> 01:13:40,210
- I'm gonna be a C. E. O.
- At Starbucks?
1055
01:13:40,318 --> 01:13:43,151
- Yeah.
- Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?
1056
01:13:44,822 --> 01:13:48,223
Yeah. Sure.
1057
01:13:48,326 --> 01:13:50,157
I guess this is
good-bye then.
1058
01:13:52,029 --> 01:13:54,259
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
1059
01:13:54,365 --> 01:13:58,529
I got a couple
presidential decrees to make!
1060
01:13:58,636 --> 01:14:02,868
Not Sure, get your ass up here,
wherever you is.
1061
01:14:05,476 --> 01:14:07,706
Let me get that little
peanut head up here.
1062
01:14:07,812 --> 01:14:10,576
Yo. Yo.
1063
01:14:10,681 --> 01:14:12,615
I have decided...
1064
01:14:12,717 --> 01:14:15,242
to make this man-
1065
01:14:15,353 --> 01:14:18,288
the man who solved
all our problems-
1066
01:14:19,624 --> 01:14:22,286
I have decided to make him...
1067
01:14:22,393 --> 01:14:24,691
my new vice president.
1068
01:14:27,231 --> 01:14:30,462
Mr. President, thanks.
That's real cool of you, sir...
1069
01:14:30,568 --> 01:14:34,436
- but I can't accept it, sir.
- What? Why?
1070
01:14:34,539 --> 01:14:39,272
- You know, I gotta get home.
- But we still got all these problems.
1071
01:14:39,377 --> 01:14:42,369
Look, you know, you're just gonna
have to solve 'em yourselves.
1072
01:14:42,480 --> 01:14:44,948
- How?
- Think about it, you know?
1073
01:14:45,049 --> 01:14:48,109
You're just gonna have to figure it out
like we did with the crops.
1074
01:14:48,219 --> 01:14:52,747
But how are we gonna figure out about
the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"?
1075
01:14:52,857 --> 01:14:58,693
And what about the nuc-
"nucular" reactor in Florida?
1076
01:14:58,796 --> 01:15:01,264
It's broke and leaky
and something's happening.
1077
01:15:01,365 --> 01:15:06,735
- I thought it was in Georgia.
- Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.
1078
01:15:06,837 --> 01:15:09,897
Hey. Hey, I know.
Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?
1079
01:15:10,007 --> 01:15:13,067
- Yeah!
- Good, good. That's a good idea.
1080
01:15:13,177 --> 01:15:15,873
- Like we did on the crops.
- Come on, vato.
1081
01:15:15,980 --> 01:15:18,278
Hey, you can't leave.
1082
01:15:18,382 --> 01:15:24,321
Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow,
or get outta the way" shit, huh?
1083
01:15:35,099 --> 01:15:39,502
I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore,
can I? You know what?
1084
01:15:39,604 --> 01:15:42,505
- Forget about the time machine.
- Yeah!
1085
01:15:46,544 --> 01:15:49,945
That ride sucks anyways.
1086
01:15:50,047 --> 01:15:52,174
Ride?
1087
01:15:55,653 --> 01:15:58,121
Welcome to the Time Masheen.
1088
01:15:58,222 --> 01:16:02,716
We are going to take you back,
first to the year 1939...
1089
01:16:02,827 --> 01:16:05,318
when Charlie Chaplin
and his evil Nazi regime...
1090
01:16:05,429 --> 01:16:08,489
enslaved Europe and tried
to take over the world.
1091
01:16:08,599 --> 01:16:11,193
So you knew this thing
was just a ride the whole time?
1092
01:16:11,302 --> 01:16:14,794
Yeah. You thought you could really
travel through time, huh?
1093
01:16:14,905 --> 01:16:17,271
- Yeah, I guess I did.
- Yeah.
1094
01:16:17,375 --> 01:16:20,310
For the smartest guy in the world,
you're pretty dumb sometimes.
1095
01:16:20,411 --> 01:16:25,314
- So why didn't you tell us?
- 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.
1096
01:16:25,416 --> 01:16:29,216
But if it's not a real time machine,
there wouldn't have been any money.
1097
01:16:29,320 --> 01:16:32,812
You know, 'cause I can't go back in time
and open a savings account.
1098
01:16:32,923 --> 01:16:35,858
Uh, uh, uh-
1099
01:16:35,960 --> 01:16:38,724
Yeah. Don't worry about it.
It's okay.
1100
01:16:40,264 --> 01:16:42,198
Well,
I guess we're stuck here.
1101
01:16:42,300 --> 01:16:47,397
But then an even
greater force emerged- the "UN."
1102
01:16:47,505 --> 01:16:51,803
And the "UN"
un-nazied the world forever.
1103
01:16:51,976 --> 01:16:55,468
And so, after serving a short
term as vice president...
1104
01:16:55,579 --> 01:16:58,878
Joe was elected
the president of America.
1105
01:16:58,983 --> 01:17:01,144
Frito became vice president...
1106
01:17:01,252 --> 01:17:04,415
and Rita, the former prostitute,
became first lady.
1107
01:17:04,522 --> 01:17:08,014
Today I step into the shoes
of a great man...
1108
01:17:08,125 --> 01:17:12,255
a man by the name
of Dwayne Elizondo...
1109
01:17:12,363 --> 01:17:16,356
Mountain Dew
Herbert Camacho.
1110
01:17:16,467 --> 01:17:20,597
Under President Not Sure's
leadership, a new era dawned.
1111
01:17:20,705 --> 01:17:24,539
You know, there was a time
in this country...
1112
01:17:24,642 --> 01:17:28,908
when smart people
were considered cool.
1113
01:17:29,013 --> 01:17:31,948
Well, maybe not cool,
but smart people did things...
1114
01:17:32,049 --> 01:17:36,110
like build ships and pyramids,
and they even went to the moon.
1115
01:17:36,220 --> 01:17:37,744
Yeah!
1116
01:17:39,890 --> 01:17:44,088
And there was a time
in this country, a long time ago...
1117
01:17:44,195 --> 01:17:46,595
when reading wasn't
just for fags...
1118
01:17:46,697 --> 01:17:48,961
and neither was writing.
1119
01:17:49,066 --> 01:17:53,162
People wrote books and movies,
movies that had stories...
1120
01:17:53,270 --> 01:17:57,570
so you cared whose ass it was
and why it was farting.
1121
01:17:57,675 --> 01:18:01,133
And I believe that time
can come again!
1122
01:18:13,057 --> 01:18:16,652
Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!
1123
01:18:20,498 --> 01:18:22,466
Joe and Rita had three children...
1124
01:18:22,566 --> 01:18:25,364
the three smartest kids
in the world.
1125
01:18:26,504 --> 01:18:28,995
Vice President Frito
took eight wives...
1126
01:18:29,106 --> 01:18:31,540
and had a total of 32 kids-
1127
01:18:31,642 --> 01:18:34,873
thirty-two of the dumbest kids
ever to walk the earth.
1128
01:18:40,117 --> 01:18:43,280
Okay, so maybe Joe
didn't save mankind...
1129
01:18:43,387 --> 01:18:45,821
but he got the ball rolling...
1130
01:18:45,923 --> 01:18:49,723
and that's pretty good
for an average guy.
1131
01:23:49,626 --> 01:23:52,322
I'm gonna go find this ho.