(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
VINCE: Wait, don't look.
- ERIC: I hate this shit. - Keep them closed!
Drama, hit me again and I'm gonna beat the shit out of you.
- Turtle did it. - Bullshit.
I can smell your Lagerfeld-doused fingers.
- Make a right, right here. - Where we going?
Hold on, take a step now, step.
Okay, here we come.
Steady.
Almost there.
Ready and...
Open!
Holy shit!
You bought another $100,000 car, you sick maniac?
No, it's not for me, it's for you.
It's for me?
Big day for E. Brand new Maserati,
and you're gonna pop your cherry tonight.
For your big date with Kristen, you're gonna need a nice car.
When finally fucking your own girlfriend, one should travel in style.
God, this is so sweet.
You're gonna love it.
I had an Italian sports car in '94.
They're a delight.
- You had a Fiat, Drama. - Italian, none the less.
- I can't take this, Vince. - I'll take it.
E, you've made $6,000 since you've been my manager.
You're getting killed. I feel bad.
Do you think this is the right time to be doing this?
We don't even know when the next pay day is coming.
You always got to ruin everything?
All right, fine, they gave it to me.
- Who gave it to you? - Beverly Hills Maserati.
I hooked it up.
All they want is for Vince to be seen riding around town.
Please don't make me beg you to take a free Maserati.
They gave you this car so you could be seen driving around in it.
That's why I'm gonna roll down the window and stick my head out
and you're gonna drive us to the Laker game.
Oh, look at that! That's not a foul?
Whatever they are paying you, I'll double it.
Ed, talk to your boy, he's gone crazy.
When was the last time you made a good call? 11 years ago?
Unbelievable!
You gotta focus up.
I don't know what you're doing, but you're killing me.
Lamar Odom's got great calves, huh?
What? He doesn't?
Yeah, Lamar!
Way to go, baby, way to go!
Big night tonight, huh, E?
You're like a high school girl, Ari, the way you gossip.
- You nervous? - Yeah, I'm nervous.
I'm saying I'd be nervous.
Three months your girl's been glorifying how you perform.
And what if you don't live up to the memory?
What? We're not talking?
Please. Who's not talking? I'm watching the game.
- Besides, didn't you fire me? - I fired you?
You're gonna let him interpret?
- He doesn't even speak the language. - Oh, gosh.
- What did he say again? - "Do Aquaman or find a new agent."
VINCE: That's what I recall.
Fuck yeah!
Get up. Come on, I paid for the seats. Get up.
- Unbelievable. - Down in front!
I paid two grand for these seats.
I'll get out there and launch a three if I want!
All right, look.
I'm making some moves for you. I am. We've got some bites.
- Don't throw away the idea of "Aquaman." - Ari!
The script is coming in tomorrow.
I don't want to end up doing the same role for the rest of my life.
He doesn't want to get typecast!
Look it. There's "The Joker." There's "Batman."
There's "Spider-Man." They're all typecast as rich guys.
Listen, for me, just read the script.
If it's not great, you'll never hear about it again.
- I promise. - I'll read the script.
But if I don't like it and you mention it again, I'm gonna fire you.
You want me to interpret that for you, Ari?
Wow, that sucks.
I can't believe that.
No, no, I understand. I just... I really wanted to see you.
No, I understand.
You need anything?
- Vince! - Yo!
- What's up, Lamar? - What's up, baby?
- Great game. - Thanks, man. Good seeing you.
- When you gonna do a new movie? - Soon, man, soon.
Hey, Lamar. What do you do for your legs, man?
- What? - How do you get them looking so good?
- Vince, your brother's a freak. - True.
- Later, man. - See you, bro.
Johnny, what's up with you and the legs?
He thinks his are too thin.
I'm reading for Point Dume tomorrow. I'm a little stressed.
I'd be more concerned about your face.
The Chase men all have great legs. Don't forget it.
No, you're lucky.
You got your mom's calves. I got Dad's.
Vinnie Chase, Jaime Pressly.
Hey. How are you?
Good. How are you?
I'm mad at you. We were supposed to work together.
You passed on Torque. Remember, baby?
Hey, there's always Torque II.
(FEIGNS LAUGHTER)
So what are you up to these days?
Glad you asked.
I am doing a pet project.
I'm gonna have a party at my house at the beach tonight.
If you guys want to come by, I can tell you about it.
Of course.
- You're kind of invited, too. - Thank you.
I would love to show up, but it's anal sex night at the Gold house.
Thank you for the invite. I'm gonna go punish my wife.
- That's nice. - Good luck, everybody.
- Oh, E! Jaime Pressly's beach party, kid! - Yeah!
- I forgot. You can't come. - Shut up, Turtle.
- This could be off the hook. - What's the matter?
Kristen's got food poisoning.
- No. You're coming to this party. - Nah, drop me off at home.
It's on the complete opposite side of town!
Don't be such a fucking pussy!
You know how much gas a Maserati burns?
Come on.
Oh, he goes to the hoop.
(CHAMP PLAYING)
This is a great party!
But we decided if you're gonna be miserable, we're gonna be miserable too.
Just for the record, I voted against you, E, but I went with the majority.
I'm not miserable. I'm pissed, I got stuck with a $400 hotel room.
Peninsula has a 24-hour cancellation policy.
You should at least go jerk off on the bed. You gotta pay for it.
Let me get this straight.
She convinces you to get these extravagant accommodations
and then she bails?
She didn't bail. She got sick.
Before the date. Unlike your girls, who get sick when they arrive.
(TURTLE LAUGHS)
Right, right.
(CHUCKLES) You don't believe her?
I didn't buy the period.
Yeah, I didn't either.
You, too?
Don't beat around the bush anymore.
The three of us can't stand her. Okay? We never could.
Really?
I don't like the way she treats you.
Face facts, E.
She didn't come to New York. One day she got her period.
Next day she got food poisoning.
She's fucking somebody else.
Easy, Turtle. That's my girlfriend.
Christ.
Look at the tree trunks on that guy.
Catch you guys later.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey!
So, I don't get it. It's a "spec-telethon"?
Yeah, you know, like Jerry Lewis does for M.S.
But for dogs?
Yeah, you like dogs, don't you?
Well, of course. I just didn't know they had M.S.
Well, they do, and we can help them.
Imagine if we hosted it together.
How hot would that be?
- Quite. Yeah. - So, will you do it?
Sure, of course.
I just have to talk to my people.
(SCOFFS) Dogs need people to talk for them.
Sorry to interrupt you guys.
Oh, there's my people now.
I'm gonna grab a cab. Thank you very much. See you.
- Wait. No! - Yeah.
E, come on, hang out.
I don't want to. I'm tired, I want to go home.
- I'm gonna go to sleep. - Okay. Yo, everybody!
- Stop, stop! - Listen up!
My friend here E is trying to bounce!
Could you convince him to stay, maybe?
(CROWD GROANS)
Leanna, Leanna!
- Have you met my boy, E? - No. Hi.
- Nice to meet you. - Leanna is a Perfect 10 model.
You know what that means, "Au naturel."
Can you believe that, with those tits?
Oh my God, E's "au naturel" too.
He wants to leave. Can you believe that?
- Why? - I'm just tired.
Want to go home and go to sleep.
That's too bad.
So, what is it you do, E?
Well, I work with Vince a little bit.
- Very cool. - He works with me. He's my manager.
He runs my life. I'd be nowhere without him.
Even cooler.
Come on, I'll take care of you,
make sure nothing bad happens.
- Thanks. - Nice work.
TURTLE: I work with Vince a lot. I take care of whatever he needs.
Like a gopher?
(CHUCKLES) No, sweetheart. It's more like a manager.
Why, you looking for representation?
What's up?
You keep staring. What's up?
(STAMMERS) Oh, I was just...
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah, what?
Are those real? Or are they implants?
What?
Your calves, bro.
What, are you joking?
Okay, keep it to yourself.
But if you're telling me they're real, I ain't buying it.
Hers neither.
All I'm saying is that from a girl's point of view,
if she wanted to see you,
she would've asked you to bring her some soup.
So, what kind of dog is your dog?
He's a Rottweiler. He's beautiful.
Oh, yeah, that's not gonna work.
You know what?
Maybe we can get you like a Chihuahua, and we'll pretend like that's your dog. Perfect!
Good thing she ain't driving home.
Let's go swimming.
Are you kidding? It's fucking freezing.
- I'll keep you warm. - Really?
- Absolutely. - Promise?
- Live a little, come on! - Okay.
- Let's go swimming! - TURTLE: Are you out of your mind?
Come on, Vince's manager!
Oh, it's on, baby!
Come on.
(SIGHS) Come on, E.
Even if she still is your girlfriend, it's not cheating if you're not in love.
Just don't fall in love with me, okay?
ERIC: You coming?
No, have fun, bro. I don't want anyone to see my legs.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Hey! Are you up?
Yeah, barely.
I feel so much better. I want to see you.
Now?
- It's 7:30 in the morning. - Check out is not till noon.
I called. Meet me over there.
No! I'm not allowed to go to the Peninsula.
I had a fight with them last night and I'm gonna dispute the charges.
- Oh, well, meet me here then. - You know what, I can't.
I got a crazy morning.
God, I thought you were dying to see me.
Well, I am.
My last class is at 3:00. Pick me up outside the James building.
Hello?
Yeah.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay. See you at 3:00.
Okay.
I'm sorry about last night. I miss you.
Miss you, too.
- Girlfriend? - Yep.
Who's Rob? Your boyfriend?
How did you guess?
I gotta go.
Oh, please.
I've never been with a guy that didn't want to fuck me again in the morning.
- Deny till you die. - That's all I'm saying.
"I don't know what you're talking about. It never happened."
E, look at me.
"Kristen, I've never cheated on you in my life."
- That was good, right, Vince? - Yeah, excellent.
- Very believable. - E?
I'd work on your audition, Drama.
It's not gonna be about the acting, bro, trust me.
Sir, could you please take your hands off the mirror?
What do you think?
Nothing says "I cheated" more than an expensive piece ofjewelry.
I'm gonna tell her, so what's the difference?
No!
Let's hope she forgives me.
Don't you listen to a word we say?
I agree with these guys. You're making a mistake.
All this coming from a guy who's never had a relationship
that's lasted longer than a week.
What, and that's an insult?
You tell someone you cheated if you want to break up with them.
Otherwise, it's a selfish way to get rid of your guilt.
- Well said. - Thank you.
You tell her, she'll never trust you again.
If you want to stay with Kristen, you keep your mouth shut,
- and you don't do it again. - Exactly.
None of this would have happened
if you guys didn't put it in my head she was cheating.
Don't blame us 'cause you're weak!
I'll take the blame for last night,
but you banging her again this morning. That's on you.
Who said I did?
- What? - She was really hot.
- So? - She was the hottest girl you ever been with.
- Ever. - Kristen's not hot?
Kristen's cute in that "I want to marry you so I can divorce you some day" way.
But that girl last night, she could start wars.
She was Vince hot. You ain't never had Vince hot.
Vince and I used to compete for girls in high school. He didn't always win.
I let him have Gina DeBernardo when he got cut from the baseball team.
Take away your fame, we're still competing and you know it.
Either way, no girls in high school were that hot.
So just tell us. Did you fuck her this morning or not?
(SNICKERS)
- How much is this one? - It's $1,400.
Okay, I'll take it.
- He fucked her. - Definitely.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Hey, Ari. - Where are you guys? I gotta see you now.
I got gold in my hands, baby. Fucking gold.
We're on our way to Burke Williams.
Say the words "Chiang Kai-Shek."
You will get a happy ending. I'm not kidding.
I'll be right there.
- He's meeting us. - Why?
I have no idea.
Turtle, roll with me. Come on.
As usual, I get fucked out of the steam.
So you're done with that girl?
Of course, I'm done with her. It was a one-night mistake.
- You're not gonna call her again? - I'm not gonna call her.
Interesting.
I think I'm gonna call her.
"I'm like the tide, baby. I come and go as I please."
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Okay, that was great, Johnny. Really great.
We just need to see the legs now.
You're not fucking calling her.
What are you being so territorial about?
- She has a boyfriend. - That's sweet.
You should buy him expensive jewelry.
"Fade in. Arthur Curry, a.k.a. Aquaman, the heir to the throne of Poseidon,
"is being placed gently on a barrier reef by his father."
- You're kidding me? - I'm not kidding.
I'm gonna read this entire script. You know why? It's that good.
Andrew Kevin Walker wrote it.
- The guy who wrote Seven? - Yeah.
Anyone who puts Gwyneth's head in a box is okay by me.
Still bitter, huh? After all these years?
You know what? I fired her.
"As Arthur's father stares into his son's eyes,
- "he pours the Serum X..." - Ari, we'll read it.
- You're gonna read it tonight? - ERIC: I'll read it.
- You promise? - I promise.
You're not lying to me?
I said I'll read it, I'll read it.
Because it would be a very big lie.
And one lie begets another, and it's a slippery slope.
- You fucking told him? - I didn't tell him.
- Jaime told me. - Jaime told him.
You commit to do the dog telethon?
I wouldn't exactly call it a commitment.
Will you watch your boy?
It does not help his career to do 24 hours on the "Animal Planet."
And by the way, E, I happen to know Leanna.
My God, she is way too hot for you, man. What'd you roofy her up?
I didn't know you had it in you.
Honestly, I don't. I'm sick over it.
He bought Kristen jewelry and he's confessing tonight.
No confessions. Did you read the papers, you idiot? Did you hear about this guy?
He confessed to a murder in 1973 with no clues.
They're gonna give him 25 years. Shut your mouth.
Do not say a word, or you will end up being gang-banged by a bunch of cholos.
Just relax. It's Hollywood, baby.
- Everyone strays sometimes. - Does your wife?
That's the mother of my kids.
Don't be an asshole.
(INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hey. How are you? - Hey.
Wanna get a cup of coffee?
No. I want to go straight to my apartment.
Three months is a long time to be away, huh?
It's not that long.
Really?
'Cause I was starting to feel like this was never gonna happen.
Why wouldn't this happen?
Well, you know, the period.
And you not coming to see me in New York.
I don't know.
I felt like everything was working against us.
The guys were convinced you were blowing me off.
You're 28 years old.
Do you have to listen to everything that Peter Pan and the Lost Boys have to say?
No, but they can be persuasive.
And then you got food poisoning.
What? You don't think I had food poisoning?
No, I believe you, I'm just saying,
my friends thought it was a little, you know, weird.
Well, what are you saying?
Are you accusing me of something?
No.
Okay, just stop guilting me.
God...
I thought that I could go through with this and let the past be the past.
But I can't.
I was with someone when you were away.
Oh, fuck. God, I knew it.
That's why you were being weird this morning?
But, come on. You were in New York for three months.
- You weren't with anyone? - No.
You were in Manhattan and the Hamptons with Vince.
You're gonna tell me girls weren't throwing themselves all over you.
I thought we had an agreement.
No, we didn't.
That's what you wanted but I said I wasn't sure.
Really? I must've missed that in between all the calls
of you telling me how much you missed me.
I can't believe this. I'm so stupid.
No, you're not.
I'm stupid. You're a great guy.
Who's the other great guy?
(SIGHS) Just somebody I met in class.
(SCOFFS)
Were you with him last night?
Or did you really have food poisoning?
- Oh, God. - Eric, please.
I'm sorry. I don't want it to end like this.
(CHUCKLES) I didn't come here to accuse you of anything.
I came over here to confess.
I would have rather of been with you, but last night I got drunk
and fucked a Perfect 10 model.
And...
I fucked her again this morning.
See you later.
- All right, so you confessed? - Yeah.
That's not confessing, that's rubbing it in her face!
Good for you!
You should have held out,
made her stew in her own guilt until it broke her.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I really am. It's just that...
Last night, she was the hottest girl I've ever been with.
I didn't get to enjoy it, because I felt guilty.
What about this morning?
Did you enjoy yourself this morning?
Well, I told Kristen I did.
- I fucking knew it, baby! - Pay up.
Pay up, bro. Cash only.
But, I didn't.
What did I tell you?
Do I know my boy or do I know my boy? "Hundy spot."
I'm wearing sweats, bro.
My wallet is in the car.
Forget it.
Why don't you call Leanna tonight? Take her out. You're a free man now.
No, man, forget that girl.
Only reason she was with me was 'cause I'm your manager.
So? You know how much pussy I got in this town I didn't deserve?
- All of it. - (ERIC LAUGHS)
Look, E...
Sometimes your position in life allows you to get things you never could've had.
That doesn't mean it's not right.
And it doesn't mean it's gonna last.
So now that this whole Kristen thing is finally finished,
it's about time you started to enjoy yourself a little.
Or at least fake it, so we can.
You know, we could all be working for the phone company.
All of us.
What the fuck does that mean?
Think about it, E. Think about it.
Hey, guys, why don't we go to Vegas tonight and have a wild, decadent time.
Forget that you got dumped. Forget that I don't have a job.
Forget that he's got Shawn Bradley's legs.
I'm trying to enjoy myself.
- You wanna go? - I want to go.
Just gotta make a quick cash stop.
- Vegas, baby. - Let's do it!
So, what's wrong?
- She didn't like it? - Actually, I decided I didn't like her.
(LAUGHS)
So, are you an actor, too? Like Vince?
- No. - No.
Actually...
Yeah, I'm Vince's manager.
(ALL RIGHT NOW PLAYING)
- Phone number! - Yeah!
- Nice move! - Get out, I'm driving.
You're the man.
Vegas, baby!
Vegas.
(CLASSIC ROCK PLAYING)