(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Were you going to say goodbye?
Yeah, I was going to call you tonight. I swear.
Should I come visit you in New York?
Can you? That'd be great.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
I gotta go. The guys are waiting.
Give Philly a kiss for me.
I can't believe you remembered my dog's name.
It's my favorite terrier.
(HEAVEN PLAYING)
Let's hit it.
E, remind me to call Charlotte, also. She'll kill me if I don't say goodbye.
- You should call Jamie, too. - I know.
Make a list so you don't forget anyone.
- That's what I do. - That's a good idea.
- E, make me a list? - Turtle, make a list.
You know Vince can't read my handwriting.
- God! You're useless. - Says you.
ERIC: Did you cancel the newspapers? TURTLE: You gotta tell me first.
You gotta learn to anticipate, Turtle.
There's a chain of command.
I'm a soldier. I wait for orders.
He's right.
What happened to your delegation skills?
You had 10 waiters underneath you. Can't you handle one little Turtle?
Instead of being an asshole, you should be pissed at him.
My life is too good to be worried about shit like this.
So where are we at with Scarlett Johansson?
- Where are we at? - Yes. Where are we at?
I told you to hook me up with her.
I told you I don't know her.
Find her. If I had your job, it'd been done already.
Scarlett Jo, huh?
I had a little Lost In Translation moment myself...
when I was doing that TNT movie Summerfall.
Isolated from the rest of the world...
just me and this little beauty, Lauren Jennings.
They shot that movie in Pasadena.
Yeah, but I didn't have a car.
TURTLE: Back in the real world...
Vince, are we gonna throw a going-away party?
Vince, we got to do something crazy.
Wahlberg spent $500,000 on his bash...
before he left for The Italian Job.
Wahlberg made $10 million for that movie.
Vince is making $60,000 before taxes and commissions.
I don't understand why you couldn't get me more.
I don't make your deals, Vince.
Can I run with this party, Vince?
- E? - I'm not running with it.
Run, Turtle. Run.
TURTLE: Who you gonna invite to the party, E? Emily or Kristen?
I say invite them both. Let them duke it out in a steel-cage match, winner takes all.
My money's on Kristen. She'll knock the crap out of Emily.
I don't know. I saw Emily at Tae-Bo.
She was looking pretty feisty. What do you think, E?
ERIC: I think you guys are assholes.
Come on, man, it'd be hot.
I like cute little Emily.
- Then again, Kristen looks... - Shut up, Drama.
Jesus.
Vince, who would you rather bang, Kristen or Emily?
ERIC: Don't answer that, Vince.
- Honestly? - Yeah.
I kinda like them both.
E, you should feel good.
Movie star Vince Chase would bang both your broads.
I do. I feel really blessed.
ERIC: Three months in New York. What's wrong with that, right?
It's not all it's cracked up to be, though.
Running errands, sitting on the set, getting coffee? I'm not into it.
I put this fucking movie together. I get treated like a glorified gofer.
You know, when I went to the reunion, people would come up to me and say:
"So what are you doing?" And I'd say, "I'm Vince's guy."
Are you here to talk about business?
No, I'm here to talk about us.
It's kinda the same thing, right?
No, not to me it isn't. You know what your problem is?
No, but I have a feeling you do. So tell me.
You are addicted to Vince.
Great. More textbook psychobabble. Come on, let's hear it.
When you're around him, you feel great.
But when you're not, you go through withdrawal...
and you talk about quitting all the time. Classic addiction symptoms.
So, what, this is all my fault?
No. I think you're both fucked-up codependents.
What about us? What are we?
We're a couple.
Maybe we're not.
(PHONE RINGING)
LARRY DAVID: No, really, I'm just completely disgusted.
You call me and say we're going to go to the game on the 21 st.
I'm waiting for your phone call. I call your office.
I don't get a call back. Then I turn on the TV...
and I see you sitting next to Vin Diesel.
- So what the hell is that? - I told Emily to call you.
She didn't call you. She fucked up. My Blackberry was broken.
Wait a second, I called her, okay?
She gave you that message, and you never called me back.
I was gonna go to the game with you. I told Emily that we were gonna be late.
Okay? I went to go talk to Vin.
He's got an 18-wheeler with equipment and going crazy.
They're making power shakes.
He's got the fucking crazy glasses on.
I don't know what's happening.
- I told Emily to call you. - LARRY: What language are you talking?
You thought... Is this an excuse?
- I don't know what you're talking about. - It's exactly what happened.
I still don't know. You're talking Chinese.
ARl: I'm not talking Chinese.
Larry, how you doing? Good to see you, pal.
- Johnny Drama. - Yeah. Remember me?
- Yeah, how you doing? - Hey, Ari.
Hey.
- This whole thing? - You like that?
- You don't like it? - It's okay.
- How's the show going? Good? - LARRY: Yeah.
Any good parts in there?
- Uh... Maybe. - ARl: That's great.
So, we will speak, and I will take you to a game.
- Okay. All right. - All right?
Yeah.
- Bye, Lar. - Larry, let's talk.
Don't ever fucking harass a real client again.
I know the guy.
Ari! Come on.
There he is. Johnny!
(PHONE RINGING)
Sorry I'm late.
- How you doing, you good? - Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
Why don't you come back to the office?
Just tell me the deal's done.
Basically, they don't have enough money to pay for your flight.
Or your room.
Per diem?
I know you're excited about this movie. It's a good little part.
But here's the thing.
I got you an audition for a guest-starring role in a pilot.
- A pilot that's all but on the air. - Yeah, what's it called?
CSl: Minneapolis.
Don Johnson...
playing William Peterson, playing David Caruso...
playing the Gary Sinise role.
Sounds great.
It's like $10,000, plus first-class airfare and expenses.
- To Minneapolis. - No, it shoots in Vancouver.
Now, the dates conflict with Queens Boulevard...
and there's no flexibility.
Shit. When it rains, it pours.
Do you think I got a shot at this?
You're Johnny Drama.
You always got a shot.
When I played that cokehead stoolie on Miami Vice...
I remember right after a take, Don Johnson said, "Nice job, kid."
- Or was it the black guy? - What's the pay?
A lot more than Queens Boulevard.
Plus first-class accommodations, fat per diem.
That's a tough choice.
What are you saying? No, it's not.
Look, I'll tell you what. I'll put you up in New York, and I'll double your per diem.
My baby brother's not putting me up anywhere.
TURTLE: Come on, Drama. New Jack City.
Room service, escorts.
DRAMA: Everybody knows the best whores in the country are in Vancouver.
- Vancouver ain't the country. - You know what I'm saying, jackass.
ERIC: There's no money to stay in a hotel, Turtle.
What?
I can't be bringing girls back to my mom's house.
- The walls are paper thin. - You ain't making them scream anyway.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What if I pay my own way?
Yeah? How you gonna do that? You gonna sell a kidney?
The going-away party. We can charge $10 a head to get in.
- You wanna promote the going-away party? - DRAMA: Interesting.
Come on, Vince, I'll make us a boatload of money, all right?
You get 10% of the door...
and a prime table surrounded by all the hotties in L.A.
- All you got to do is just smile. - He doesn't need 10% of the door.
Yes, he does, after you got him the shitty deal.
I told you, I didn't make his fucking deal.
Vince, override this guy.
E, come on. It's a party.
It'll make Turtle feel good about himself if he earns a little cash.
Yes. It'll boost my self-esteem.
What do you say?
Yeah, whatever.
VINCE: Knock it out, Turtle.
What's the movement on Scarlett Johansson?
You know what, Vince? I'm not your pimp.
If you want Scarlett Johansson's number, get it yourself.
What did I say?
Yo, mofos, check this out.
Ready?
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Tobey Maguire's house.
Bang, Spidey!
Yo! What's better, Taggert or Taggert?
(CHUCKLING) What?
Taggert or Taggert?
- The first one. - Damn. Really?
Yeah. Thanks a lot, man.
No problem.
(LAUGHING)
Viking Quest, right?
Yeah, that's me.
I knew it.
Do you think I can get a signed picture for my wall?
- Yes. - For an extra 1,000 invites.
Ooh!
Why not? For Torvald, anything.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(GHETTO POP LIFE PLAYING)
Five minutes, that's all. I'm just gonna say goodbye to her.
Then you can cross her off the list.
It never takes just five minutes with this girl.
Five minutes.
(RISE OR FALL PLAYING)
DRAMA: Girls, what's happening? TURTLE: How you ladies doing?
Big party Saturday night.
Vince Chase is going out of town. You gotta be there.
You might have heard.
Be there or be square.
How you ladies doing?
Off the hook.
$10, but if you give me your phone number, it's $5.
It's gonna be a great party. You don't wanna miss that.
Honey, how are ya?
- They call this work? - God bless America!
(RADIO CHATTERING)
(MOANING)
I've never been with anyone that can fuck this long.
I've been training for this movie.
It's gonna be a great fucking movie.
(PANTING)
I've been sitting here for 45 minutes while he's getting laid.
Then you're an idiot. You should leave.
- It's not Scarlett Johansson? - No.
God, he's so disrespectful.
No. He's sick. He's codependent.
Why do you think he never got his driver's license?
Fuck it. I'm leaving. Bullshit.
CHRISTY: Yeah. Okay. Hold on.
Shauna, it's Richard again.
God!
Richard, you are a spindly, weaselly, prick queen...
I swear, if you print that about Gary Busey...
I'm gonna do everything in my power to ruin your fucking life.
- I'll see you back at the office, Christy. - All right.
And stay on top of that douche bag.
Yeah.
(CARS HONKING)
Asshole.
What the fuck is this now?
Oh, God!
ERIC: Shauna, I agree.
Bon voyage?
It sounds like you're shipping a gay French couple off to sea.
I didn't know anything about it.
This is so low rent.
You could've used bonded paper and an approved photo.
It looks like an audition for American Idol.
Eric, you should know better. Use your fucking directional!
God damn it! These people driving here.
Vincent doesn't need his name associated with nightclub promoting.
God forbid, there's a Happy Land fire in there, like that Great White concert...
we're fucked. Get your house in order, Eric.
Jesus.
Who says it's my house?
(WOMAN MOANING ON T.V.)
(SWITCHING OFF T.V.)
TURTLE: Hey!
I just had Shauna rip me a new asshole.
You don't have to take shit from her. She's a publicist.
Jerk-off, you plaster cheap crappy fliers with Vince's picture all over town.
That wasn't cheap.
I paid half price, and it was still expensive.
So you go behind my fucking back?
I didn't go behind your back.
You wanted nothing to do with this. I did it myself.
You were too busy getting Vince to do a movie...
that's gonna leave us homeless.
This movie's gonna make Vince's career.
It better. Or else we're all fucked.
Maybe we're fucked anyway.
(SIGHING)
Come on, Turtle. Let's go get this thing.
Knock them dead there, Drama. Good luck, buddy.
Thanks. Come on.
Hey! Look at you.
How you doing, baby? I'm gonna nail this thing.
- VINCE: Go get them, Johnny. - All right.
What the fuck, E, you left me!
Luckily, look who I bumped into driving down Wilshire.
(JANEEN CHUCKLING)
- Hey, Eric. - Hey, Janeen.
Janeen was sweet enough to give me a ride after you ditched me.
Why did you do that to Vince, Eric?
Yeah, E, why?
Why?
Long story.
- You want a drink, babe? - You got any juice boxes?
You should've seen him coming down Wilshire Blvd. All alone.
He looked so cute.
Are you okay?
I'm a little shaken up. But I think I'll be okay.
I can't believe you're leaving.
I'm just going for a couple months.
Yeah?
Hmm. Mmm-mmm.
(BOTH MOANING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Vince, we gotta be at Ari's in 20 minutes.
Can you cover for me?
- We're gonna have a Jacuz. - We gotta go over these deal points.
Could you get me some more money on that, please?
- What if they want you to sign something? - Come on, E.
Who forges my signature better than you? Shall we?
Be nice to Vince.
Yeah. Thanks.
MAN: Taggert! We meet again.
For you, maybe. I always relish our encounters.
No, Taggert. I'm afraid it's your time that's up!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(SIGHING)
I just crushed that.
(SIGHING)
Hey.
Pizza boy's here.
Really?
Really.
(SIGHING)
What's wrong with her?
Ask my permission before you bang one of my assistants.
- How'd you know that? - 'Cause I know all.
I could've told you this would end badly.
I gotta fire her so you don't feel weird.
Don't fire her.
I'll just sexually harass her until she quits.
- Where's Vinny? - He sent me.
As long as I'm here, I want to talk.
Yeah?
About management.
(CHUCKLING) There you go, baby. All right!
Come here. Let's hug it out, you little bitch! I love it.
Step aside and let a professional take over. That's fantastic.
Let's call Jimmy Miller. Let's get Leverage.
360, Handprint. Any one of these.
Ari, I'm talking about me.
I thought you already were his manager. Because, believe me...
I would not put up with this much shit from anyone who wasn't.
I know I am. But I want to do it for real.
I wanna have the conversation. Lock it in.
You come to me for advice?
I'm gonna fucking cry. All right, here's what you do.
You deal with talent the same way you deal with women.
You have to make them believe...
they need you more than you need them.
He doesn't need me much.
Of course not. You're fucking worthless.
I could get a million morons to do the job.
- That's not the point. - What is the point?
The point is that he is an insecure fuck...
like all beautiful but handed-everything- on-a-silver platter people.
He doesn't trust anyone in this world but you.
You've been born into royalty, baby. You know that.
Now you just gotta be thankful and wear the crown.
As much as I appreciate it, I didn't come here to ask for your advice.
I came to ask for your support.
- Do I have a choice? No, I don't. - No.
You got 1,000%.
Here's a little indie script, $60,000. Big payday.
- Thanks. - This is great.
What's next? You get a uniform and a mustache?
I don't have health insurance.
- But I bet you had it over at Quiznos. - Sbarros.
- And I had a business card. - There you go.
What am I supposed to say to Emily when I walk out?
Pretend you're on the phone. You're focused.
You can't talk to her.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Let's try to get that immediately if we can.
See you later.
Uh...
Johnny Chase?
Represent, bro.
- Sheila, how are ya? - Hi, good. How are you?
- Hello. - MAN: There he is.
- Thanks for having me. - How ya doing?
- You look familiar. - You auditioned for me a couple years ago.
How did that go?
- You know. - You can't work them all.
All right. Any notes, any thoughts, anything I should know?
No, just give it a shot. We'll go from there.
I could do this a million different ways.
Why don't you try it just one way? Make a choice and give it a shot.
Stick to it.
(SIGHING)
Hooga! One time, baby. Come on.
Taggert, we meet again.
And that's one time too many.
For you, maybe.
I always relish these moments.
WOMAN: Your time is up, Conlon.
No, Taggert.
I'm afraid it's your time that's up.
Come on, man.
A little respect. Yo, back there.
I'm acting here. A little respect, huh?
I mean, please.
Important e-mail.
I've been working on this thing all day. This is important.
John, don't let it throw you.
- Just ignore him. - Focus.
Fuck that, man! Tell this guy to focus.
Johnny, thank you for coming in.
MAN 1: Appreciate it. MAN 2: Bye.
WOMAN: Great job. MAN 3: Thank you.
You know what? Fuck you!
Shit.
I don't know. I thought he was great.
Fuck TV! Let's go to New York and make a movie!
- (CHUCKLING) There you go, baby. - Can I stay with your mother?
VINCE: I remember.
Of course you can bring her.
(INAUDIBLE)
Yeah?
(VINCE LAUGHING)
Hopefully I'll see you in the Hamptons.
Labor Day. I can't wait. Bye.
(BEEPING)
I think that's the last one.
- So, what are you doing for dinner tonight? - What?
We should go to dinner before the party.
I want to talk to you about some stuff.
Some stuff? What do you mean? Sounds weird.
It's nothing weird.
E, you're not coming out of the closet, are you?
'Cause you know I like long legs.
I want to talk to you about being your manager.
As opposed to what?
As opposed to nothing, which is what I am now.
Oh.
Kristen's been fucking with your head again.
- No, she has not. - Come on, E.
Admit it. You guys have a very dysfunctional relationship.
Every time you come from her, you sound like her.
- Maybe she should be my manager. - All right, fuck dinner.
Relax, E.
I wanted to go to dinner and talk about this stuff there.
You're making me talk about it here.
And it's just not going right. Fuck dinner.
Nothing's been said. Nobody said anything.
Nothing's been talked about.
You want to take me to dinner? You wanna talk business?
You want to woo me? Wine and dine me.
All right.
Let me pack up some things. We'll talk.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
- VINCE: Who's buying? - I'm buying.
With my credit card. I'm doing this real. This is no bullshit.
Great. Now I know what I'm gonna order.
VINCE: Lanie!
- Did I hear you're going out of town? - I'm leaving tonight.
I can't believe you didn't say goodbye to me.
Why do you think I'm here? I'm saying goodbye now.
VINCE: Listen.
You remember that really good bottle of wine...
that I got here with Ridley?
- Yeah, '82 Margaux. - Yeah, that's the one.
We're gonna have two of those.
You must be important.
VINCE: We'll see.
Before I...
Can we hold off a couple seconds before we get into business?
My boys just showed.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
TURTLE: What up, player? DRAMA: Yo!
(ALL LAUGHING)
TURTLE: I'm hungry.
You want this real. This is how I did it with Ari.
- What are you gonna do for us? - Yeah?
I've been doing this job for a year.
- I don't need to put up with this bullshit. - Wow, E, you're really wooing me.
- E never was a real people person. - That's gonna have to change...
if you want to be involved in talent management.
Now, I'm pissed. What's your answer?
What's your sales pitch?
All right, Vince.
I picked your last movie.
I put you in this new movie. I know you.
I know your strengths. I know your weaknesses.
- Yeah, you do have a few. - Vince ain't got no weaknesses.
That's a double negative.
- Huh? - You just said he's got weaknesses.
I'm starting to see how this business works.
I feel like I'm starting to learn how to work it.
(DRAMA LAUGHING)
How many times have we heard that one, Vince?
ERIC: Shut the fuck up, Turtle.
Vince, take your time. Don't rush into anything.
You guys are right. I gotta think about things.
- I like the way things are. - I don't.
E, you know I don't like change.
I'm not going to New York.
- Really? - Really.
Well, hey, I guess you gotta do what you gotta do.
Fuck you, all right? You asked me to move out here.
Don't forget that. Here you go, asshole.
TURTLE: You're still going to the going-away party, right?
Shut up, Turtle.
DRAMA: I can't believe he's not coming. How can he not come?
I knew this Kristen thing was gonna backfire.
We should've made Emily work. She was a career girl.
No.
He said Kristen had nothing to do with it. It was his own stupid decision.
You made the stupid decision, bro.
- What? - DRAMA: Yeah. You ain't that easy.
You think you're going to find someone you like that could tolerate you 24/7?
I love you, bro. But I ain't doing it.
I could do it.
Yes. That's a good option.
(FEEL THE LOVE PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
DRAMA: Let's go party.
Fuck that! I'm not going in there.
- Come on. One beer. - No. Come on.
Let's get blasted on the plane. Just the three of us.
Fine by me. But I just gotta go in there first and handle a little business.
- Is that Vincent Chase in there? - No. Vince is inside.
He just called me. I gotta go see him now.
Come in, though.
Yo, let me use your phone.
(PHONE BEEPING)
(T.V. CHATTERING)
Hello?
Uh... This is awkward.
I forgot my wallet.
Come on, Vince. Fuck you.
Seriously, it's somewhere on the coffee table.
Come on. What do you say?
I'd get it myself, but I gotta go all the way there...
and all the way back. It just seems stupid.
What do you say? Come on.
Okay. I'll be there.
Thanks.
You're an asshole.
Excuse me, guys. Sorry. Have a good night.
You two, go get some drinks in there. It's crazy.
- TURTLE: Cha-ching! - Yeah.
My mother would rather be dead than have you stay with us.
Sweet.
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)
Only a real asshole would spend $30,000 on a flight...
when the whole job's only paying him $60,000.
It's worth it.
How else are we gonna bring the Sherpa weed and the dog?
You're still an asshole.
- Here's your wallet. - Thanks.
(ENGINE REWING POWERFULLY)
You're telling me you're willing to fuck up our friendship...
'cause if this doesn't work out, there's no turning back.
My best friend, I can't fire.
But my manager, he's replaceable.
That's a chance I'm willing to take.
Yeah, at 5% of me, I'd take that chance, too.
(PHONE BEEPING)
10%.
Plus health insurance.
Hello?
Who is that? Kristen? Let me talk to her.
I wanna settle this whole thing.
Hold on a second.
Thanks for calling me back, I really appreciate it.
Hello?
Hi, Vince. It's Scarlett. Is this a bad time?
Scarlett! How are you?
Where are you?
I'm in New York, I just got in.
Really? I'm on my way to New York right now.
You wanna grab a late dinner?
Oh.
Let's make it an early breakfast.
I tell you what. I'll call you when I land.
Okay. Cool.
- Talk to you later. - See you later.
- Nice. - That's what I do.
Get on the plane.
What about my car?
Your car? You want me to buy you a new car?
- No, I like my car. - Get the fuck out of here.
Leave it.
I can't have my manager driving around in a piece of shit like that.
(DRAMA WHOOPING)
You going somewhere?
(ALL CHATTERING)
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)