(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(THERE'S A SILENCE PLAYING)
Do you guys not see the problem here?
Vince said she was staying a couple of nights, all right? A couple is two.
Except in Utah.
Look at him. She's got him doing fucking yoga, man. It's embarrassing.
- DRAMA: She thinks she's his trainer. - So do you.
What? I'm not?
What the fuck did I get certified for then?
Relax, Drama, you're his trainer.
It's all a big joke to E, because he's been sleeping off campus at Emily's.
You're going to low-jack on me, Turtle?
You guys have idiot girlfriends who will fuck everything up.
Quiet, here they come.
(DRAMA SIGHS)
How was yoga?
- Great. Fiona is a great teacher. - (GIGGLING) Thanks, baby.
All right. You ready for a real workout, Vince?
No weights. I just had a mean stretch.
Vince, you got to hit the weights if you want to put on size.
Bulk is so '90s, Johnny. It's all about flexibility, don't you think?
Um... No, I don't.
We'll catch you later. We're gonna go grab breakfast.
FIONA: Bye, guys.
I don't trust that New Age bullshit.
Me, neither, even if it is attached to an ass like that.
Yo, E. What up, dawg?
Not much. How about you?
MAN: Never better.
Who's that jerkoff?
No clue.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Yankees playing the Angels Tuesday.
I got the company box if you want to roll with.
Got the gals from The L Word coming. Trust me, they're only acting.
Not trying to be an asshole or anything, but do we know each other?
Are you kidding me? Josh Weinstein, Triad. We met at the fight.
Oh, yeah, okay. All right.
Do me a favor. Put a towel on or something. Cover up.
Not a locker room guy. No problem.
So listen, E, I didn't want to interrupt Vince's workout...
but I got a great piece of material.
Would you do me a favor and have him take a look?
You got to understand, the guy gets hundreds of scripts a week, you know that.
Yet this is something special. It kicks ass.
It's gritty as shit. You'll love it. I guarantee Vince will flip.
Tell Vince it was a great move passing on Matterhorn, too.
- You think? - Yeah. Script is a piece of shit.
It's not a movie, it's a theme park ride. There's no characters.
- ERIC: That's what I said. - But Ari pushed hard for that one.
- Yeah. - You know he doesn't read, right?
Anyway, man, this one is different. Takes place in your old neighborhood.
- Queens, right? - Yeah.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- Hey, how are you? - Hi, sweetheart.
My God. I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else.
- Come on, Monica. - I'm done talking to you, Turtle.
You were supposed to hook me up with some weed two days ago.
The whole town is dry, believe me. I'm not holding out on you.
(CHUCKLING)
What are you looking at?
These Uggs, they're great, but I can't find them anywhere.
I can get those for you in two seconds...
just give me the size and the style number.
Oh.
TURTLE: Hey, Shauna. What up?
I have an apparel request for Vince.
He needs a pair of Uggs for his lady friend ASAP.
Yeah.
You don't have a weed guy, do you?
- FIONA: Hey. - Hey.
- What are you doing? - Just reading a script.
- Any good? - It's great so far.
So that's your job? You read some scripts and tell Vince which the good ones are?
Yes, something like that.
Wow. That's a really cool job. So did you go to school for that?
No.
I love to read. I read all the Harry Potter books and...
Um, I don't know. If you need a second opinion, don't hesitate.
Okay. Cool.
- All right. - Thanks.
Don't get mad, but I think she's stealing food.
- She's not stealing food. - Shit keeps disappearing from the fridge.
Did have an eye on the meatloaf, vanish.
I know how these kleptos work. First it's the food, then it's the plasma.
All right. She didn't steal it, she threw it away.
- Thrown it away, why? - She's vegan.
- What the fuck does that mean? - Means she's into a cruelty-free lifestyle.
It's cruel to throw away a $65.00 steak from Morton's.
Just do me a favor, and keep the meat out of her eye line while she's around.
Look, she's already got him wearing cloth shoes.
These are my slippers. They are the ones he stole from the Four Seasons, Maui.
Those are the slippers? Where's the robe?
Fiona just dropped the robe at the pool and had nothing on underneath.
- She's naked at the pool? - ERIC: Yeah.
- And you were looking at her? - She's naked at the pool.
- DRAMA: How's she look? - Good enough to eat, I bet, huh?
- Yeah. - Too bad Vince can't eat animal products.
(ERIC LAUGHING)
I'm going up. You mind?
- Yeah, I mind. - Sue me, I'm going.
- Vince. - VINCE: Did you call the Hack?
- Yeah. He's got nothing. - How can the whole town be out of weed?
Hack said the drought dried up the crops. It ain't on me. Peace.
- Three days, Vince. Don't bend the rules. - I made the rules.
Can we talk about something important?
DRAMA: This is important, it's a lifestyle issue.
Did you see the picture of the swami in the bathroom?
It's her guru.
I don't like the way he looks at me when I'm pissing.
- I found your next movie, Vince. - Yeah?
The script is awesome, you got to read it now.
FIONA: Vince, I need you.
I'll read it later. All she wants to do is fuck.
The idea is to get as close as possible without actually touching.
How long do we have to go for?
The longer we hold out, the better the sex.
Sometimes great masters hold out for years.
But they're up in the mountains somewhere by themselves, whacking off like crazy.
ERIC: Vince, read that script?
I'm sorry, baby, I'm on a tight schedule.
(ENGINE REWING)
SHAUNA: Here you go, Turtle. Now you have to stop bothering me.
Thanks, Shauna. Vince's lady friend is going to love these.
- These are not Taiwanese knockoffs? - Would I do that to you?
No, those are real goods. Look at the sheepskin.
You can tell these were born and raised in the outback.
- Yeah? - Yeah, absolutely.
- Thanks a mil, Shauna. - Don't thank me, thank Christy.
Christy.
- Thanks. - Yeah, no problem.
If you ever need anything, you know, concert tickets, pedicure...
- full body massage... - How about a stun gun?
All right.
Shauna, what's with the photographer?
I told you, I don't want Vince posing on these things.
I called back and said...
if he wants the Harley, he has to take a picture on it.
- We never had that discussion. - I had it with Turtle.
- And I spoke with Vince. - That's all I give a shit about:
What Vincent wants. So don't fuck with me like you're fucking with Ari.
Hey, Eric, I read it, it's awesome.
- Read what? - The script, it's so good.
- You read it? - God, it even made me cry. Right, Vince?
Yeah, it did.
Hey, Shauna, just so you know. Look, you know I love you...
- but I can't take a picture on that thing. - Turtle said you'd do it.
It's just my girl, she's really conscious about the environment...
she thinks it sends the wrong message.
I mean, she doesn't mind riding around in your Hummer. What is she thinking?
I don't know what she is thinking, but I can't be hassled.
Vince, you're totally fucking me on this.
- I'll take the picture. - What am I going to do with your picture?
Give me back those Uggs. I know they're not for him, you fat midget.
You're going to have to pull them from my cold, dead hands.
Oh, really?
(BARKING)
TURTLE: (LAUGHS) Good boy, Arnold.
(MURMURING)
- What are you doing? - You didn't call bank shot.
- I did. You didn't hear me. - You got to learn to project.
You hire a vocal coach, you become a real asshole.
E, the script's great.
- ERIC: You read it? - Yeah.
- How many pages? - The whole thing.
Right. How does it end?
What are you, an asshole?
(LAUGHING)
I tell you I got your next movie, you ignore me...
Fiona likes it, you read it in an hour?
- I read it, what's the difference? - I don't know, but there is one.
Don't worry about that. Let's get it together.
Call Ari and find out why he doesn't know about it.
- Yeah. Go call Ari, get us paid. - Shut up, Turtle.
Vince, you seen any juicy parts for me?
- Maybe you could play his father. - Fuck you.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Ari Gold's office. - Hey.
- EMILY: Hey, you left your wallet at my house. - Did I?
Yes. Is that your way of saying you want to come back?
ERIC: Sort of, yeah.
We read a script that we love. Any way Ari is free for lunch?
Like in December.
Hold on. Let me just take care of something for you.
All right, I just rescheduled Anthony LaPaglia.
- Thanks. - I'll see you tonight?
- Okay. Bye. - Bye.
- Pussy. - Faggot.
ARl: Uh...
Yeah, I'll get the Faux Mung Bean Meatloaf.
Okay.
What the fuck are we doing here? I'm on Atkins, I need protein.
Come on, there's plenty of protein in mung beans.
I'm talking about real proteins, like from the flesh of slaughtered animals.
Got to have war paint on them, blood dripping. It's what I need.
Have you seen a video of a slaughterhouse, Ari?
Meat is murder.
Even broccoli screams when you rip it from the ground.
Enough about the fucking menu. Can we talk about Queens Boulevard?
- Yeah Ari, I really want to do this. - It's the best script I ever read.
- She's reading your scripts now? - Vince asked me to.
He did?
Do you guys have a problem with that?
No, if you don't mind it not being printed on recycled paper.
What's the matter, E?
Did the big words overwhelm you? Had to pass it along?
Well, I read it. You didn't even know about it.
I knew about it. You think you knew about it and I didn't?
You think there is anything in this universe that you know, that I don't know?
(ARI LAUGHING)
- Vince, can I talk to you, please? - Yeah.
First rule of being a manager: Control the star's fucking girlfriend.
'Cause Yoko Ono is macro-psychotic.
- What's wrong? - Heard what he said about meat.
I know, baby, I'm sorry.
I don't know, I'm gonna wait outside.
- Your agent is a karmic disaster. - Okay, I'll see you out there.
- I'll be like five minutes. - All right.
Excuse me. I was wondering if you could take a picture with us.
Sure, why not.
Hey, idiot, you know that Scott Wick is my best friend.
Who is Scott Wick, asshole?
He is the producer of the movie, you dumb fuck.
Then it should be fucking easy, don't you think, douche bag?
No, Eric, it shouldn't, because what you don't know...
you little garlic knot-making motherfucker...
is that Wick hates Vince.
You got him excited about the script, how'd you like to break that news to him?
Okay, I'll do that.
Hey, Vince!
The producer of the movie thinks you suck.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
(CHATTERING)
Now what, Ari?
Is it all right if I hang out with you guys?
It's a free sidewalk.
What?
- Bite? - No, thank you.
You're telling me you can't find anyone on the West Coast who has a joint?
You're slacking, Hack.
He's sending a recon team up to Humboldt County, but he's not hopeful.
You guys in need of weed?
What do you know about it?
I got a Sherpa who grows 100% organic.
No herbicides, no pesticides.
Like we are going all the way to Everest to score weed from your Sherpa.
He doesn't live in Everest anymore, he lives in Bel Air.
What's a Sherpa?
(CAR DOOR CLOSING)
(SHEEP BLEATING)
TURTLE: This guy sells weed out of his house?
FIONA: Yeah, even the carpet is made out of hemp. It's cool.
Just stepped in shit.
(SHEEP BLEATING)
(EXCLAIMING)
Come on, guys.
(BLEATING)
(MOOING)
TURTLE: Holy shit.
Field of fucking dreams.
I said check the resins in the vegetation chamber.
It's the new thing with lights on.
- Hey, baby. - (GASPING) Dakatoka!
How're you doing?
That's her channel name. Fiona's channel name is Dakatoka.
You are an ancient wisdom giver.
Who, Fiona is?
(SIGHING)
(PANTING)
Johnny Drama?
I'm Johnny Drama.
I'm a fan, man.
When's the next season of Viking Quest, dude?
It got canceled seven years ago.
- Bummer. - Yeah.
Euridice, Atena, we're gonna have a little tea...
mix some ancient Mayan mule shit.
It's hybrid.
(COW MOOING)
Drama.
(BUBBLING)
Earth is moving.
Did you feel that?
Everything all the time.
There's dimensions we can't even see.
Everything is evolving...
Turtle, you are a dove.
That's cool. Can I hit that, Sherp? Thanks.
Aren't you afraid of getting busted?
Busted, I'm entrusted.
I don't steal, I heal.
Not getting stoned, getting honed.
My probation officer is one of my best customers.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
I'm a prisoner of war.
War on drugs.
Sounds so negative, man.
I mean the man's most positive, positive "tive" is a negative.
It's a mega negative.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Viking Quest!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Let them be low, we are getting high.
We're not getting fucked down...
(WHISPERING) we're getting fucked up.
That's awesome. I think that went out, though.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SCREAMING) Don't touch that!
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
It's cool, Finley, cell phone.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Is it cool? - Please, enjoy.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
TURTLE: Put it on vibrate.
Hello.
Call me Helen Keller, 'cause I'm a fucking miracle worker.
7:00 at Maestros...
you're gonna break bread with Wick, and don't be late.
And tell Vince to wear something tight.
Yeah. Okay.
Sorry about that.
Ari delivered Wick. We have dinner at Maestros at 7:00.
I'm over that project, dude.
What? I thought you loved the script.
I'll love another.
I'm not wasting my time with some guy who doesn't like me.
There are no others, trust me. I know, I'm the one who reads them.
When this guy meets you, he'll love you.
Oh, yeah?
Free steak, what the fuck.
I'm dying for some red meat.
Anybody need some clean urine?
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
ERIC: You're fucking whipped, bro.
VINCE: Will you stop it already?
I mean, this girl tells you what pictures to make...
what scripts to read, what dinners to go to. Come on...
where's your fucking balls?
E, don't freak, all right?
I love her, I want to marry her.
- I'm fucking with you. Relax, bro. - That's not funny.
Look, she's leaving on Friday...
she's going to an ashram in India for four months.
In that case, I love her.
- No problem. She's gone. - Got to get her out of here.
- Gentlemen, Scott Wick. - Hello.
Let's make this snappy.
Be nice.
Mmm.
Beluga.
- ERIC: Excuse me? - Caviar.
Reminds me of a cold winter night in Novgorod.
Where is Novgorod?
It's in Russia.
He didn't know that 'cause he dropped out of college.
So what did you do in Russia?
My father was an American diplomat.
That's nice, my father was a douche bag.
I'm gonna get the New York Strip...
because it reminds me of my childhood in New York.
That's funny.
ERIC: So listen, we want to talk to you about the script.
Vince wants to do it.
I read it and I loved it.
I appreciate that, boys...
but unfortunately, I just don't see you in it.
This movie is about a guy from Queens.
It's a kid from the neighborhood.
Vince is a guy from Queens, he's from the neighborhood.
He doesn't feel like he is.
ERIC: Where does he feel like he's from?
- The Appalachians. - Come on.
With all due respect...
I grew up a block from where the script takes place...
in a shitty little apartment...
with five brothers and sisters and a psychotically drunk father.
I am this part.
Yes, but you know that even the truth sometimes seems fake, wouldn't you say?
This doesn't seem like it's going anywhere, does it?
Not really.
I'm gonna order a little extra.
Maybe I'll get this rib-eye to go.
Bring a little doggy bag home for the boys.
Do I look like Goodwill to you?
What are you, high?
Actually, Scott, I am.
VINCE: Is that a problem?
- Where did you get it? - Oh! A friend of mine.
Some of the best shit I've ever smoked. Are you in need?
I am.
My guy says the town is dry, something about a drought.
Is your guy Black Hack?
Mmm. My guy spoke to another guy. I don't really have a guy.
I could hook you up.
What are we doing here, talking about the script or weed?
(LAUGHING) Maybe both.
(STILL IS STILL MOVING TO ME PLAYING)
Oh, Christ.
I have to lie at my N.A. Meeting again.
Scott.
- Can I ask you a question? - SCOTT: Mmm-hmm.
Why do you have to be such a hardass all the time?
I don't know...
because it's just fucking fun.
(POLICE SIREN BLARING)
- Shit. - This should be fun.
Give me one of those... Cocksucker, motherfucker.
Relax, you said your dad's a diplomat, right?
That was 50 fucking years ago, asshole.
- Just roll down the window. - SCOTT: I'm on fucking probation.
ERIC: For what?
(STAMMERING) It was nothing, it wasn't anything, it wasn't even true.
Hello, Officer.
- OFFICER: License and registration. - Sure.
Here we go.
- Is there a problem? - Yeah, Mr. Wick.
You're parked in a red zone.
Oh!
Step out of the car, please.
- If you like, I can just move. - Sir!
- Out of the car. - VINCE: Excuse me, Officer.
Hi, how are you?
You know Officer Hecht? His daughter, Melissa, is a good friend of mine.
I know you.
I saw the new trailer, movie looks good.
ERIC: Yes, it's a good film.
It is good.
Not only does he not bust us for smoking weed or parking in the red zone...
he asked this guy for his autograph.
- Awesome. - What can I say, I'm above the law.
Let's toast.
What is this stuff, is it weed or grass?
Whatever, it's good for you.
I don't trust this shit. I lived on this stuff in '93.
By the end of the year I was sleeping standing up.
Come on guys, a goodbye toast.
- You really gonna leave us? - I could cancel my trip.
No, don't do that.
We wouldn't want you to bum out Ramdash.
Ram Dass.
Whatever.
FIONA: All right, on the count of three.
Three.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh!
That's disgusting.
Hello.
- Mini Vince. - Hey, Ari.
I don't know who blew who...
but Wick's got a crush on your boy Vince, wants him to star in his vanity project.
All right, I'll tell him.
Prepare to enter the poor house, you little bitch.
Wick wants you in the movie.
I don't know, you think I'm Queens enough?
(LAUGHING)
We think.
Get another round here.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)