(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(PHONE RINGING)
- Yeah? - It's game day, baby. Wake the fuck up.
- What? - We're opening today.
We got hot little teens walking into theaters on the East Coast
to support our boy. Why aren't you awake?
What time is it?
It's time for you to wake up. I've already shot a 72, bitch.
- What, on the front nine? - Yeah, that's funny, cunty.
I'll call you with the midday numbers, get ready. That's not a gimme.
(PHONE RINGING)
- What? - It's Emily.
I'm headed up your block. Open up the gate.
- ERIC: You're coming here? - Yeah, I'll be right there.
- Big day. - Yeah.
Ari's freaking. He gets crazy before a client's movie opens.
- Fan mail. - Oh, thanks.
- What about you? Are you nervous? - Yeah. A little bit.
I called the psychic hotline.
They said Vince's moons were all aligned. We're looking pretty good.
- What did they say about your moons? - I don't know, I was too cheap to ask.
Do you guys have any big plans for tonight?
We're not gonna do anything.
Vince doesn't want to make a big deal about it. We'll lay low.
That is way too normal.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Ari has clients who do crazy stuff. - Like what?
One of them bought $3 million worth of tickets
just to make sure his movie opened at number one.
- Come on. - I swear.
- Who was it? - I can't tell.
- Yes, you can. Tell me. - Mmm-mmm.
He was in Ocean's Eleven.
(LAUGHING)
All right, good luck.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
- Bye. - See you.
- Um, Eric? - Yeah?
Since you don't have any plans tonight,
would you maybe want to go to dinner with me?
Are you asking me out?
I could've sent a messenger with that stuff.
Morning, guys. Fan mail.
What the fuck you smiling about?
Who's smiling, douche bag?
Big night tonight, Vince. I feel good about it, I do.
Yeah? That's good.
- Anybody know how to work this thing? - No. Just Johnny.
- Where is he? - He's upstairs. He got a girl.
Really? Who?
I don't know. He must've ordered in late night. Woke me up at 4:30.
Sounded like a couple of baboons fucking.
Yeah, he better hurry up, too, 'cause I'm getting hungry.
Aw, picture request.
Nice enough to send the money for the stamp.
Relax. I'll send the picture.
- Oh, fuck me. - Let me see.
(WHISTLING)
ERIC: Look at that. VINCE: Not bad.
- Not bad? She's on fire. - Let me see this.
"Vincent.
"I believe we were together in a past life.
"I believe we were destined to be together in this one."
You should call her, Vince. It's destiny.
- Besides, she's got a great ass. - That's a great idea, Turtle.
Have her catch a ride out here
with the Kevorkian guy from Michigan who wants Vince to kill him.
He's right. We don't need another psycho. Look, better keep this, just in case.
Tanya, this is my brother, Vince.
- Good luck tonight. - Yeah. Me and him, both.
See? These are the other guys.
What's up, guys?
- DRAMA: Want a creatine shake? - No, I got a case of LUNAbars in the car.
- Show the guys. - Stop it.
Come on, baby, just once. Show the guys, please?
What's up, body?
Look at these pythons. She'll whip all your asses.
- ERIC: True. - Come on, baby. I'll walk you out.
Shh.
Give me a call.
(GRUNTING)
(CHUCKLING)
What?
Where'd you meet her, Drama? Barry Bonds hearing?
Please. Tanya's all natural.
I met her at the Vitamin Expo.
- She's booming, huh, Vince? - She's got a pretty face.
DRAMA: She gave me the ride of my life.
I just hung onto those lats and surrendered all control.
You know, if I was holding onto those lats, I'd think I was fucking Evander Holyfield.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Fuck you guys.
I ain't cooking shit for any of you. Let's see what you do about that.
We should hit Encino first. It's playing at the Galleria at 6: 15.
Check out the Valley girls. Then we head over the hill.
Good call.
I don't want to see the movie. I can't watch myself again.
I love watching myself.
Too bad the audience doesn't.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Vince, you gotta see it with live crowd.
Especially the midnight show at the Westwood Mann.
It's all hot UCLA ass.
- I don't know. What do you think, E? - I don't know.
I didn't know we were thinking about doing this.
- What's to think about? - I made plans.
(LAUGHING)
On the night my movie's opening you made plans?
- DRAMA: Bullshit. - You said you didn't want to think about it.
I didn't want to think about it together.
- What kind of plans did you make? - Nothing.
I have a date.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
You have a date?
Yeah. Emily asked me to go to dinner.
- She asked you? - Yeah. It's no big deal.
He's fucking a guy. You're getting asked out like a little bitch.
I'd say it's a very big deal.
- Touché. - Thank you.
Douche bag.
VINCE: I haven't been on a real date since high school.
That's because nobody dates in L.A., Vince. It's a waste of time.
- And money. - L.A. Lives between 2:00 a.m. And 5:00 a.m.
You take a lap through the talent pool. Catch and release.
Online's even better.
You get the small talk out of the way so when they show up, they're good to go.
Name one girl you ever pulled off the Internet.
There are confidentiality agreements with these sites.
I ain't telling you shit.
- Why don't we all grab dates tonight? - No, don't grab anybody.
- You can bring Tanya. - You guys aren't coming with me.
It's opening night, it's a work night. I need you.
- Fuck that, man. - Come on, I'm serious.
No, you're not. I want to get to know this girl.
- Will you give me a fucking break? - So do we.
Make sure you don't get another lemon.
Just relax. It's not such a big deal. It'll be fun.
- It'll be like prom. - I guess you won't have a date then.
I told you 10,000 fucking times. She had food poisoning.
ERIC: Yeah, right.
BIG BOY ON RADIO: Power 106, blazing hip hop and R&B.
Big Boy's neighborhood...
Fuzzy Fantabulous, Joe Grande, Luscious Liz, up in here...
but you know what?
- We're not alone. - No, not at all.
Vincent Chase is in the house.
(ALL CHEERING)
Head On. That's the movie.
We've been hearing some beautiful things about this.
When it comes to an opening weekend for you,
do you have those rituals that everybody else go through,
like, you got to pack dirt on your face or sacrifice a goldfish?
No, I'm not superstitious.
- At all? - No.
I heard
that Mel Gibson carried a cross up Temescal Canyon before Passion opened.
- It must have worked, huh? - BIG BOY: It sure did work.
Vince would've been a gorgeous Jesus.
What's going on? What you got planned for tonight?
My buddy E got asked out on a date.
ALL: That's nice.
So me and the other guys are gonna join him.
Wait. Hold on. So your boy got asked out?
- Here we go. - Relax. It's fine.
His ex-girl crushed him. So he's looking to get laid.
(ALL LAUGHING)
SHAUNA: Eric, sit down. Don't fuck with his rhythm.
This is embarrassing.
He's telling the world about my personal life.
Relax. The world could give a shit about your personal life.
What are you doing?
- You got some hot celebrity, some models? - Right. Some hot chicks.
- I don't have a date yet. - What?
Vincent Chase doesn't have a date?
I find that hard to believe.
We got a lot of females out there listening right now.
Can we bring somebody up in here? Not Liz.
We gonna take a phone call for you, Vince.
Christy, what do you got tonight?
Stop hitting on my assistant, Turtle. Besides, she'd never go out with you.
What, she can't speak for herself?
You can speak.
I'd never go out with you, Turtle.
Ouch.
What?
You won't believe who we got on the phone.
- Who? - Justine Chapin.
White virgin in the house.
- Justine Chapin. She's fabulous. - She's not a virgin.
You know she's on that Pure Tour right now.
BIG BOY: Justine, you there? JUSTINE: I'm here, Big Boy.
How you doing, baby girl? We got Vince right here, also.
You can't find a date tonight, Vince?
I'm having a little trouble, Justine.
I'm leaving San Diego right now. I'll be back in L.A. For the night.
I'd love to go out with you. You look hot on the billboard.
Are you gonna sing for me?
- Singing is all you're going to get. - That's right.
Big Boy's right. So do you still want to go?
VINCE: Of course. I'm just looking for someone to cuddle with.
- He's definitely fucking her, right? - ALL: Definitely.
I'm calling Cindy Adams.
ALL: (CHANTING) Cuddle.
(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Vince is gonna be there, too.
It's gonna be a nice time, honey.
When did you move away?
Wow!
What about that cute roommate of yours?
Married?
Yeah. Congratulate her.
Yeah. I'll call you if I ever get to Oregon.
(SIGHING)
What do you think, Arnold?
Baby, I know you like my hair natural.
But I'm gonna put a little product in it, okay?
Don't be so controlling. All right, I'll talk to you later.
(WHIRRING)
(GROANING)
(COMPUTER BEEPING)
(SIGHING)
- Am I 21st century or what? - Yes, you are, Ari. What's up?
I had video sex with an Ecuadorian girl this morning.
I hope she was 18. Federal offense if not.
She had big teeth and a sarong. That's all I remember.
What's going on?
Seriously, here's the deal. Don't panic.
The matinees were less than stellar.
- Fuck. - I just said don't panic.
- I'm not panicked. - This is a date movie.
This Pixar squirrel is killing us.
'Cause all the mommies who want to fuck Vince
are taking their kids to see The Squirrel.
We're gonna be fine, though.
Where are you guys gonna be? I want to meet.
Vince is tired. We're staying in.
Why are you so dressed up, then?
I hate that you can see me. You know that?
I love that I can see you. It's why I bought the thing for you.
- Show me a little nipple. - Oh. Bye.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Hello? - So, who is she?
Who's who?
My friend told me they heard you on Power 106 this morning.
Oh, yeah?
Since when do your friends listen to rap music?
You're taking your first date out with the guys?
I guess you don't want this one to work out either.
What do you care? You broke up with me, right?
In case you'd forgotten, we just had sex.
You said it was break-up sex. What do you want from me?
You want me to just keep chasing you around?
Maybe I don't know what I want.
Maybe you should figure it out and then call me.
What the fuck is this?
- What's with the limo? - Turtle thought it'd be funny.
- I'm taking my own car. - You're not taking your own car. Move.
Yes, I am. This girl will think I'm an idiot.
Tell her it was my idea and let her think that I'm the idiot.
You're cock-blocking me so bad right now and you know it.
What are you talking about? You think I like Emily?
No, I think you think I like Emily and you're trying to shut it down.
Why would I do that?
You don't like it when I get a girl and you get stuck with the retards.
You know what?
I'll get a girl and leave you with the two retards.
See how you like it.
Bro, you just broke up with Kristen.
Fuck around a little bit. Have a little fun before you get serious.
What are you talking about, serious? It's a first date.
Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.
Fine, I'm going. But if you guys fuck around, I'm out.
Who's gonna fuck around?
Did you talk to Ari?
- Yeah. - What'd he say?
- It's all good. - Yeah?
- Yeah. It's cool. - Good.
Smile, biatches.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(TURTLE LAUGHING)
What's with him? Is he still trying to bail?
- Did you even get a date yet, Turtle? - Of course I got a date.
We have to pick her up from the Burbank airport in one hour.
- What is she? A Russian mail-order bride? - No, dick. She's a hottie from Flagstaff.
- From Flagstaff? Who? - An old friend. Don't worry about that.
Where're we going tonight?
Tanya needs to know so she can dress accordingly.
Dolce. You called, right, Turtle?
No. Me and Vince decided
we don't want to watch Demi cutting Ashton's steak all night into tiny pieces.
- Where are we going? - I got us a couple of lanes at Lucky Strike.
- Bowling? - Nice.
I'll get my ball.
That's gonna go.
(PINS CLATTERING)
Take it easy, baby. You're making me look bad.
- (SLAPPING) - Oh!
- This is totally fucked right now. - What are you talking about?
- Your friends are so cool. - Yeah?
- My ex-girlfriend hated hanging out with us. - No wonder she's your ex-girlfriend then.
Eric, you're not paying enough attention to me.
- You're bad. - The worst.
- Leave him alone. - Turtle, how'd you guys meet?
JDate.
DRAMA: Isn't that for Jews?
- So? - She's wearing a cross.
She's reformed. Joanne's up. Give her a hand, everybody.
It's not polite to stare, E.
Vince.
Watch me.
How do I know her?
Yeah.
Jesus Christ. Come here, you sick fuck.
You out of your mind?
If you didn't have Emily, you wouldn't have called?
This girl is psychotic. You understand what I'm saying?
The girl just wanted to meet Vince. Let's not unfairly label people.
This is a bad night for this shit. I don't need this tonight.
What are you so stressed out about?
I'm stressed because the movie's not doing good.
E, the movie's huge. Relax.
Joanne says it's destined to be a classic.
She says it's destined to be a classic?
She's destined to be in a fucking insane asylum.
Keep her under control.
God, you eat like a little bird.
Stop it.
Tweet, tweet.
Vince, I saw your movie today.
Oh, yeah? What'd you think?
- I loved it. - Really? You see?
- Another satisfied customer. - I heard. Was the theater crowded?
Not really.
- I was the first in line, 10: 15 a.m. - Really?
I loved it so much, I went to the 12:30 also.
- You were beautiful. - VINCE: Thank you.
He is beautiful.
So, Justine, if you lose your virginity,
doesn't the whole Pure Tour thing become, like, a sham?
Who said I'm gonna lose my virginity?
Turtle said that these guys don't even believe you are a virgin.
- I never said that. - Check, please.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- Wow, look at that. - Told you, baby, we got a monster.
Yo, you cats going to see Head On?
No. We're going to see that talking squirrel thing.
Fuck that movie. I saw it this morning. The mother squirrel dies in the end.
See Head On.
- Yo, good looking, kid. - TURTLE: You like that, right?
Fucking cartoons. They got an unfair advantage.
They get to draw everything.
I'm not worried.
- Are you worried? - Fuck, no.
- Let's go to Prey. - We're not worried. Let's go to Prey.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Yeah? - Where are you?
- Did you get the numbers? - I got the numbers.
- Ari, I can't hear you. - Where are you?
It's Friday night. You at Prey? Sounds like Prey.
Ari, you get the numbers?
Hello? Shit.
Hello. Can you hear me? Hey? Fuck.
I'm coming over. That was Vince. I gotta go. I gotta go do this.
What are you talking about? This is our night.
It's 24/7 with this shit, baby. I love you, don't wait up, okay?
Ari, could I have the car keys, please?
Come on. There's a cab stand at fucking Yucca.
Give me the fucking keys.
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Can you drop me off?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
I can't get a signal.
Eric, it's gonna be fine. Enjoy the moment.
See, E, I like this girl. Nice, positive attitude.
- JUSTINE: What about my attitude? - You?
Come on, you have the best attitude.
Slut.
Joanne, wait.
Vince is my best friend. I love that guy like a brother.
- But if he doesn't see how special you are... - Nice try, Tortoise.
- Is that Jason Bateman? - What?
Get the fuck out of here.
- I saw your movie today. You were great. - Yeah?
- Thanks. What's your name? - Take a hike, honey.
Baby, you can't talk to the fans like that.
- Don't be a faggot, Johnny. - Don't call me a faggot.
What are you gonna do? Get tough?
I'm gonna go get a beer.
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
So you played tennis in high school, you were saying?
Tennis, yeah.
I think I want you to be my first.
- Really? - Yeah.
But you're really gonna have to work for it.
Work? Come on.
I got into this business so I don't have to work.
(LAUGHING)
You are not ready for this, are you?
I am tonight.
I'm not.
At least you're honest.
And gorgeous.
I'll call you from the road.
Oh. Just so you know.
Tonight, I would have given you the best head you ever had.
Who's got the number one movie in the country, motherfucker?
We beat The Squirrel?
The number one live-action film in the country, $18.6 million.
Yeah.
What the fuck is she doing here?
Just having some drinks with some friends, Ari.
- Yeah? You fucking my assistant? - No.
The last thing I want to do is fire one of your fuck buddies. You know that?
No tequila? Tara Reid steal it?
Let's get into it. We gotta celebrate. Come on. I'll get a bottle.
(BOTH GROWLING)
(LAUGHING)
Can you relax?
- Yeah. - Good.
I can't. Not with my boss here.
I know. That's totally fucked up.
I didn't even know he was coming. He shouldn't even be here.
You want to walk me out?
Yeah. Okay. Let's go.
I'll be right back.
(SIGHING)
Sorry about tonight. I know it wasn't a great first date.
This was a great first date.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Don't tell Ari about this.
Is this crazy?
Maybe a little bit, yeah.
Good.
You're on fire, baby. We gonna get you your next movie.
Wanna do Hindenburg? Script's coming in. It's like Titanic on a blimp.
Why don't we save the business for Monday?
You got it, baby. No problem. Big weekend.
Where's Tanya?
Doing pushups in the men's bathroom, for all I know.
I'm done with that girl.
Where's the exhibitionist?
She's out there cutting it up with Teen Wolf.
Michael J. Fox is here?
No, the guy from the sequel.
Opening night of a hit, and none of us are getting any action.
All I know is I'm here with my best friends in the entire world.
- And Ari. - And Ari.
- And there's no place I'd rather be. - I'll drink to that.
Here you go, baby.
(ALL CHEERING)
Vince, hi. You go to my gym.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'll catch you guys later.
There you go, daddy.
God, I just want to be him for like a fucking hour.
You think my assistant's hot? I don't know. I can't tell.
Yeah, I do.
I'm thinking about hitting that.