1 00:00:01,233 --> 00:00:04,757 Everybody, everybody, listen up. I need your ideas now. 2 00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:06,676 Ideas, please, right now. Go, go! 3 00:00:07,176 --> 00:00:08,970 - Come on! - What you're talking about? 4 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:11,180 Wet cement outside, it's drying fast. 5 00:00:11,342 --> 00:00:14,509 Come on, this is a lifelong dream. What do I write? 6 00:00:14,629 --> 00:00:16,602 Michael, you could put your initials in it. 7 00:00:16,764 --> 00:00:17,870 M.G.S., no. 8 00:00:18,245 --> 00:00:21,775 Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik 9 00:00:21,935 --> 00:00:25,268 will claim credit for it. I don't... Once in a lifetime opportunity, people. 10 00:00:25,388 --> 00:00:26,655 - Come on! - Well... 11 00:00:26,815 --> 00:00:28,366 Here we go! Phyllis, yes? 12 00:00:28,486 --> 00:00:30,887 - When I was a little girl... - Okay. 13 00:00:31,986 --> 00:00:34,119 Okay, do it! Come on, great, let's hear it! 14 00:00:34,281 --> 00:00:37,164 - We found some wet cement... - It's drying, it's drying. 15 00:00:37,526 --> 00:00:38,832 All right, Phyllis, come on! 16 00:00:38,993 --> 00:00:40,876 - Come on, Phyl! - What did we write? 17 00:00:41,038 --> 00:00:42,493 Aah! Come on! 18 00:00:42,613 --> 00:00:44,231 - Draw a picture. - No! 19 00:00:44,351 --> 00:00:46,867 - 'Cause that says so more than words. - No, no! 20 00:00:46,987 --> 00:00:48,510 Come on, give me something good! 21 00:00:48,670 --> 00:00:51,439 I was watching E!, and I saw Will Smith outside the chinese theater, 22 00:00:51,559 --> 00:00:54,072 - and, oh, my god, he looked so good. - Pam, translate. 23 00:00:54,192 --> 00:00:56,695 She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in cement. 24 00:00:56,815 --> 00:00:59,436 - I love it! - A real star would put his face in it. 25 00:00:59,597 --> 00:01:01,894 - I love it more! - Michael, that doesn't seem safe... 26 00:01:02,014 --> 00:01:04,214 I love it! 27 00:01:05,455 --> 00:01:06,735 Come on, let's go! 28 00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:12,986 We are here today not to immortalize a man, 29 00:01:13,529 --> 00:01:14,579 but an idea. 30 00:01:15,253 --> 00:01:16,453 Maybe the idea of a man. 31 00:01:16,791 --> 00:01:17,942 Hurry, please. 32 00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:20,149 Greatness is only skin-deep some people say. 33 00:01:20,269 --> 00:01:21,464 Well, that's not true. 34 00:01:21,584 --> 00:01:23,578 Other people believe it's deeper inside 35 00:01:23,698 --> 00:01:25,839 and in this case, that's also not true. 36 00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:28,226 Go! 37 00:01:28,346 --> 00:01:29,884 Force it in as deep as you can. 38 00:01:30,004 --> 00:01:31,445 That's what she said. 39 00:01:31,801 --> 00:01:34,146 Today's a very special day for me. 40 00:01:34,371 --> 00:01:35,765 And it's really not about me. 41 00:01:35,925 --> 00:01:38,983 It's about my grandkids. It's about my great-grandkids. 42 00:01:39,511 --> 00:01:42,136 I can come back here when I'm 100, 43 00:01:42,256 --> 00:01:46,046 and I can find that piece of cement and say, 44 00:01:46,166 --> 00:01:49,903 "That's me. Look, kids. Your daddy left that facehole." 45 00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:52,210 I don't know. 46 00:01:52,330 --> 00:01:53,741 It's a good feeling. 47 00:01:59,574 --> 00:02:02,292 Transcript: SwSub Sync: DarKsh 48 00:02:12,630 --> 00:02:14,471 Episode 4x12 "DID I STUTTER" (1.00) 49 00:02:14,976 --> 00:02:15,986 Okay... 50 00:02:16,585 --> 00:02:17,677 Adjective. 51 00:02:19,192 --> 00:02:20,049 Tall. 52 00:02:20,568 --> 00:02:22,103 No, no, uh, nice. 53 00:02:22,890 --> 00:02:25,023 Good one. Okay... 54 00:02:25,183 --> 00:02:26,270 You ready? 55 00:02:27,206 --> 00:02:31,167 "The tall man entered the nice building, 56 00:02:31,397 --> 00:02:35,283 "to visit a very nice man. 57 00:02:36,263 --> 00:02:38,130 "Sit down, Mr. Smith. 58 00:02:38,406 --> 00:02:42,165 "Can I interest you in any good cat food?" 59 00:02:44,036 --> 00:02:45,886 It's a man eating cat food! 60 00:02:46,218 --> 00:02:48,420 What about a cat eating man food? 61 00:02:48,582 --> 00:02:50,492 Andy and Angela seem very happy. 62 00:02:50,980 --> 00:02:53,510 I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them. 63 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:04,633 Yeah, I slept over at a... friend's house, and... 64 00:03:04,927 --> 00:03:07,390 I forgot my contact solution, so... 65 00:03:07,510 --> 00:03:09,530 I had to wear my back-up glasses. 66 00:03:11,445 --> 00:03:12,445 Shut up. 67 00:03:13,015 --> 00:03:14,681 All right, everybody. 68 00:03:14,801 --> 00:03:16,631 Oh, my god. Pam... 69 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,827 Those make you look so ugly. 70 00:03:19,772 --> 00:03:21,079 Pam, in order to get hotter, 71 00:03:21,239 --> 00:03:23,872 you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction. 72 00:03:24,331 --> 00:03:26,043 - I don't have my contact... - Blah blah! 73 00:03:26,163 --> 00:03:27,981 I can't even hear you. 74 00:03:28,101 --> 00:03:30,379 It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. 75 00:03:31,457 --> 00:03:32,714 We're gonna have 76 00:03:32,876 --> 00:03:35,884 a little brainstorming session in the conference room. 77 00:03:36,045 --> 00:03:37,679 Energize. 78 00:03:38,616 --> 00:03:40,525 You know what would energize me? 79 00:03:41,228 --> 00:03:43,861 If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly... 80 00:03:43,981 --> 00:03:45,031 Don't, don't. 81 00:03:45,151 --> 00:03:47,729 If you propose to me during the Michael meeting, I will say no. 82 00:03:47,891 --> 00:03:50,030 Well, it's too late, 'cause I'm proposing... 83 00:03:50,150 --> 00:03:53,288 that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly 84 00:03:53,408 --> 00:03:55,161 and make me the happiest man in the world. 85 00:03:55,281 --> 00:03:59,639 Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? 86 00:03:59,759 --> 00:04:02,336 I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. 87 00:04:02,456 --> 00:04:05,356 Pam clearly has just given up trying. 88 00:04:05,907 --> 00:04:08,155 So what we need to do is we need to get things going. 89 00:04:08,275 --> 00:04:12,212 We need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas what we could do? 90 00:04:12,593 --> 00:04:14,350 Any suggestions? Yes, Andy? 91 00:04:14,470 --> 00:04:18,206 What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message 92 00:04:18,523 --> 00:04:21,805 so it just had a little more zing and a little more pep? 93 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:25,751 Zing and pep. Those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim. 94 00:04:25,871 --> 00:04:28,687 What about if we did an even newer voicemail message 95 00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:30,772 that had even more zing and pep? 96 00:04:30,936 --> 00:04:33,610 Now we're cooking, I like this. Maybe a whole theme. 97 00:04:33,770 --> 00:04:35,857 - Like a rap... a rap rhyme. - An urban thing. 98 00:04:35,977 --> 00:04:38,406 An urban... Yeah, Stanley, you wanna help us out with that? 99 00:04:39,391 --> 00:04:41,784 - Stanley! Earth to Stanley. - Not me. 100 00:04:41,944 --> 00:04:44,286 Yes, you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down 101 00:04:44,447 --> 00:04:46,777 - and join the group. - No. 102 00:04:46,897 --> 00:04:49,374 - Stanley, we're having... - Leave me alone, damn it. 103 00:04:49,535 --> 00:04:51,120 We're having a brainstorm session... 104 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,629 Did I stutter? 105 00:04:59,259 --> 00:05:01,679 Good. This is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water. 106 00:05:08,899 --> 00:05:10,590 Can I talk to you a second? 107 00:05:11,506 --> 00:05:12,357 What? 108 00:05:13,596 --> 00:05:17,694 I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning. 109 00:05:18,797 --> 00:05:21,031 What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened. 110 00:05:21,288 --> 00:05:23,700 Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate. 111 00:05:24,355 --> 00:05:26,605 - That, in the conference room? - Yeah. 112 00:05:26,948 --> 00:05:29,456 We were joshing around, the two of us. 113 00:05:29,576 --> 00:05:31,456 And he said, "Did I stutter?" 114 00:05:31,576 --> 00:05:34,532 And I said, "wh-wh-wh-what, dog?" 115 00:05:34,838 --> 00:05:36,881 It was joking, Toby, all right? 116 00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:39,344 He didn't seem like he was joking. 117 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:42,103 Well, you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, 118 00:05:42,223 --> 00:05:44,586 sassy, powerful black man, 119 00:05:44,706 --> 00:05:46,804 and you're you. 120 00:05:46,924 --> 00:05:49,423 If you had any friends, you would understand. 121 00:05:49,543 --> 00:05:51,019 Friends joke with one another. 122 00:05:51,181 --> 00:05:53,203 "Hey, um, you're poor." 123 00:05:53,323 --> 00:05:55,305 "Well, hey, your mama's dead." 124 00:05:55,550 --> 00:05:56,984 That's what friends do. 125 00:05:57,718 --> 00:05:58,569 It's... 126 00:05:58,975 --> 00:06:00,154 You're so white. 127 00:06:01,246 --> 00:06:02,879 All right. Well... 128 00:06:03,601 --> 00:06:07,050 If you really believe that Stanley was joking... 129 00:06:08,421 --> 00:06:11,110 - Why don't we go ask him that? - Okay, I will. 130 00:06:11,743 --> 00:06:13,548 I'm not feeling very well right now, though. 131 00:06:13,668 --> 00:06:16,733 My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today. 132 00:06:17,943 --> 00:06:18,965 You know, Michael, 133 00:06:19,085 --> 00:06:22,050 sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school. 134 00:06:22,211 --> 00:06:26,699 Well, sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office. 135 00:06:26,963 --> 00:06:29,328 So it's probably psychological. 136 00:06:32,208 --> 00:06:34,280 You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, 137 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,115 because you pull up to a stop light 138 00:06:36,235 --> 00:06:38,191 and look over and there's an Xterra next to you, 139 00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:40,781 they're always driven by chicks. 140 00:06:40,926 --> 00:06:42,446 So there's your ice breaker. 141 00:06:44,246 --> 00:06:45,322 Scratch! 142 00:06:45,442 --> 00:06:46,825 That's a racing stripe. 143 00:06:47,511 --> 00:06:50,203 - Bumper's sagging. - Hmm, I doubt that very much. 144 00:06:50,364 --> 00:06:53,206 This car is crap. I will buy it for next to nothing. 145 00:06:53,570 --> 00:06:55,832 - How next to? - Well, here are your options. 146 00:06:55,952 --> 00:06:59,087 You can sell it for parts. Drive it off a cliff. 147 00:06:59,830 --> 00:07:01,298 You can donate it to a person 148 00:07:01,460 --> 00:07:03,930 that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or... 149 00:07:04,529 --> 00:07:07,596 you can sell it to me and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. 150 00:07:07,878 --> 00:07:09,473 It will be towed by a donkey. 151 00:07:10,156 --> 00:07:11,893 - I have to pick one of those? - Yes. 152 00:07:12,053 --> 00:07:14,269 - Can you go over those options again? - You know what? 153 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:18,732 You knock $1,500 off the price right now and I will take it off your hands. 154 00:07:18,893 --> 00:07:20,061 It's gonna be now. 155 00:07:20,181 --> 00:07:22,272 - I have the blue book value... - Seal the deal. 156 00:07:22,392 --> 00:07:23,528 Let's do this thing. 157 00:07:23,740 --> 00:07:25,490 Three, two, one. 158 00:07:25,810 --> 00:07:28,409 - Can I think about it? - Five, four, three, two, now. 159 00:07:28,569 --> 00:07:31,621 - Let me think about it. - Say it. Do it now. 160 00:07:31,781 --> 00:07:33,997 Do it now! Do it. Shake my hand. 161 00:07:34,159 --> 00:07:36,329 You will sell me this car. Shake my hand. 162 00:07:36,449 --> 00:07:38,032 Yeah, all right! 163 00:07:42,564 --> 00:07:43,433 What? 164 00:07:44,032 --> 00:07:47,288 I see that you gave me that form 165 00:07:47,408 --> 00:07:50,106 that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly. 166 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:53,225 So thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal. 167 00:07:53,386 --> 00:07:55,102 What are you talking about? 168 00:07:55,264 --> 00:07:58,550 Well, you know, the thing that you said earlier that... 169 00:07:59,336 --> 00:08:00,686 you didn't mean. 170 00:08:01,847 --> 00:08:04,695 And that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? 171 00:08:05,005 --> 00:08:06,863 Friends don't need to apologize 172 00:08:07,025 --> 00:08:09,825 to friends as far as I'm concerned. So we are cool. 173 00:08:09,987 --> 00:08:12,126 I am not going to apologize to you. 174 00:08:12,376 --> 00:08:14,450 It's like I used to tell my wife. 175 00:08:14,672 --> 00:08:17,299 "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong 176 00:08:17,419 --> 00:08:19,422 "and if you don't like it, you can leave." 177 00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:21,806 And I say the same thing to my current wife, 178 00:08:21,926 --> 00:08:24,262 and I'll say it to my next one too. 179 00:08:24,580 --> 00:08:27,274 Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters. 180 00:08:27,394 --> 00:08:29,887 Hence the green line. Green for money. 181 00:08:30,047 --> 00:08:32,631 Sales, get it? There's this yellow zigzag 182 00:08:32,751 --> 00:08:35,100 that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley. 183 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,310 - Great. - However, in so doing, 184 00:08:37,593 --> 00:08:40,522 it zigs past your name, hence zagging you 185 00:08:40,684 --> 00:08:44,574 and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly. 186 00:08:45,004 --> 00:08:46,292 What's the pink? 187 00:08:46,695 --> 00:08:47,696 Menstrual cycles. 188 00:08:48,231 --> 00:08:49,231 Okay. 189 00:08:49,644 --> 00:08:53,764 Is there anybody up here, anybody at all that can deal with this 190 00:08:54,305 --> 00:08:55,748 - other than me... - You. 191 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:59,609 Well, there is the emergency disaster mode 192 00:08:59,729 --> 00:09:00,917 for the org chart. 193 00:09:01,284 --> 00:09:02,599 This gives me 194 00:09:02,914 --> 00:09:06,798 full authority over every single person in the office. 195 00:09:06,959 --> 00:09:09,759 - I never said you could do that. - All you have to do is say it. 196 00:09:09,879 --> 00:09:12,525 - Okay, I'll think about it. - Say it. Just do it. 197 00:09:12,645 --> 00:09:14,725 Don't think, say it. Do it. 198 00:09:15,019 --> 00:09:17,754 Five, four, three, two... 199 00:09:18,220 --> 00:09:20,844 Do it. Give me control. 200 00:09:20,964 --> 00:09:21,964 Michael... 201 00:09:24,894 --> 00:09:28,310 I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. 202 00:09:29,290 --> 00:09:30,604 Do it, Michael. 203 00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:33,117 Do it. Hey. 204 00:09:34,732 --> 00:09:36,846 This office needs a strong man. 205 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:39,178 Say it. 206 00:09:41,249 --> 00:09:42,458 - No. - So... 207 00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:47,507 All right, well then, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself. 208 00:09:55,251 --> 00:09:56,261 Hey, Pam. 209 00:09:56,613 --> 00:09:58,141 I really like your glasses. 210 00:09:59,119 --> 00:10:00,098 Thanks. 211 00:10:00,218 --> 00:10:03,439 All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses. 212 00:10:04,614 --> 00:10:05,441 Okay. 213 00:10:05,726 --> 00:10:07,717 Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me actually. 214 00:10:07,837 --> 00:10:09,883 - I should probably get back to... - Like librarians. 215 00:10:10,003 --> 00:10:11,989 - entering the... - Could you just say, 216 00:10:13,170 --> 00:10:15,034 "These are due back thursday." 217 00:10:15,195 --> 00:10:16,188 No. 218 00:10:28,917 --> 00:10:30,549 Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. 219 00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:33,220 Okay, go ahead. 220 00:10:35,881 --> 00:10:37,662 A lot of jazz cats are blind, 221 00:10:37,782 --> 00:10:40,832 but they can play the piano like nobody's business. 222 00:10:41,465 --> 00:10:43,789 I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam 223 00:10:43,909 --> 00:10:46,459 without her glasses and see what happens. 224 00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,567 I'd also like to see her topless. 225 00:10:53,214 --> 00:10:54,406 - Mike. - Hey. 226 00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:57,110 - I'm very busy here, man. - Darryl... 227 00:10:58,315 --> 00:10:59,661 Have you ever been in a gang? 228 00:10:59,947 --> 00:11:00,954 Why? 229 00:11:01,175 --> 00:11:03,708 It's an advice question, and... 230 00:11:03,868 --> 00:11:07,098 if you don't want to talk about it, I completely understand. It's... 231 00:11:07,509 --> 00:11:09,547 - No, no. - I know it's very personal. 232 00:11:09,707 --> 00:11:10,544 No... 233 00:11:12,564 --> 00:11:14,261 - I have. - I knew it. 234 00:11:14,381 --> 00:11:15,381 Okay. 235 00:11:16,046 --> 00:11:17,766 Who are we talking about here? 236 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:19,639 - Crips, bloods? - Both. 237 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,726 - God. - Yeah, them and the latin kings. 238 00:11:23,001 --> 00:11:25,604 - The warriors, Newsies. - Okay. 239 00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:28,024 Okay, so dig this. 240 00:11:29,046 --> 00:11:30,419 You're on the street 241 00:11:30,842 --> 00:11:32,319 and one of your gang disses you. 242 00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:34,339 - Oh, my goodness. - Yeah, right. 243 00:11:34,459 --> 00:11:36,282 What do you do to get him to make it right? 244 00:11:36,914 --> 00:11:38,076 Well, see... 245 00:11:38,757 --> 00:11:42,537 in the gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers. 246 00:11:43,841 --> 00:11:44,956 What is that? 247 00:11:45,076 --> 00:11:47,679 That's where if somebody really gets in your face, 248 00:11:47,799 --> 00:11:50,296 you know, just start tickling them. 249 00:11:52,930 --> 00:11:54,260 - Really? - Yeah. 250 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,151 And he starts tickling you. 251 00:11:56,468 --> 00:11:59,004 You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging. 252 00:11:59,124 --> 00:12:01,310 Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. 253 00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:04,768 Y'all can just go to church together and get an ice cream cone. 254 00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:08,054 I would have never thought that... 255 00:12:08,970 --> 00:12:10,775 gangs would be tickling each other. 256 00:12:10,935 --> 00:12:13,009 Well, it's effective. 257 00:12:22,863 --> 00:12:24,234 I think it's self-explanatory. 258 00:12:24,354 --> 00:12:26,504 Hey, Jim! Come here for a second. 259 00:12:27,233 --> 00:12:29,751 Can you answer me something as a true Eagles fan? 260 00:12:29,913 --> 00:12:30,920 Oh, boy. 261 00:12:31,413 --> 00:12:33,171 How do you live with a franchise this bad? 262 00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:36,877 - On a wing and a prayer mostly. - All right, whatever you say. 263 00:12:36,997 --> 00:12:39,133 Listen, while I have you here with Toby, 264 00:12:39,253 --> 00:12:41,597 I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance. 265 00:12:42,357 --> 00:12:43,648 A formal warning? 266 00:12:44,636 --> 00:12:47,686 It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here. 267 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,213 I know how little you care about your job. 268 00:12:50,333 --> 00:12:52,528 And honestly, if you spent as much time selling 269 00:12:52,648 --> 00:12:55,409 as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, 270 00:12:55,529 --> 00:12:57,597 we wouldn't be having this conversation. 271 00:12:58,670 --> 00:13:01,789 I'm sorry, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? 272 00:13:01,909 --> 00:13:03,977 Because I really didn't mean to go over your head. 273 00:13:04,097 --> 00:13:06,356 This is nothing to do with that, all right? 274 00:13:06,476 --> 00:13:08,544 I always appreciate constructive criticism 275 00:13:08,664 --> 00:13:10,543 about my job performance. I thrive on it. 276 00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:13,795 Then do you mind explaining it a little better? 277 00:13:13,957 --> 00:13:16,173 - 'Cause I'm not sure... - Don't get all defensive, okay? 278 00:13:17,038 --> 00:13:18,411 It's just a warning. 279 00:13:18,753 --> 00:13:22,262 If you want details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, all right? 280 00:13:22,423 --> 00:13:25,646 I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk 281 00:13:25,963 --> 00:13:29,292 and hanging out with Pam has finally caught up to him. 282 00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:31,808 P... with Pam. 283 00:13:36,210 --> 00:13:38,800 Hey, what happened? What did Ryan want? 284 00:13:38,982 --> 00:13:40,319 Oh, we were just... 285 00:13:40,544 --> 00:13:43,033 talking about bureaucratic stuff. 286 00:13:43,193 --> 00:13:44,784 Because you're very important. 287 00:13:45,113 --> 00:13:46,113 Yeah. 288 00:13:55,039 --> 00:13:56,476 Oh, what's Dwight up to? 289 00:13:56,596 --> 00:13:57,922 Oh, probably nothing. 290 00:14:03,437 --> 00:14:05,054 What the hell is this all about? 291 00:14:07,291 --> 00:14:08,892 You're flipping my car for profit. 292 00:14:09,172 --> 00:14:10,268 It's my car now. 293 00:14:10,967 --> 00:14:12,834 I gave you a deal 294 00:14:13,399 --> 00:14:14,981 based on what you said to me. 295 00:14:15,464 --> 00:14:16,614 Yeah, well... 296 00:14:17,340 --> 00:14:18,490 seller beware. 297 00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:20,042 Now if you'll excuse me, 298 00:14:20,162 --> 00:14:23,240 I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on ebay. 299 00:14:25,235 --> 00:14:26,915 I've got a mad lib for you. 300 00:14:27,673 --> 00:14:31,687 "A stupid idiotic numbskull 301 00:14:31,807 --> 00:14:35,743 "named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra 302 00:14:35,863 --> 00:14:39,795 "to a smart and capable man named Dwight. 303 00:14:39,995 --> 00:14:43,921 "This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight." 304 00:14:56,473 --> 00:14:57,981 Okay, everybody, shh! 305 00:14:58,435 --> 00:14:59,422 Listen up. 306 00:14:59,542 --> 00:15:01,900 Earlier today, Stanley sassed me. 307 00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:05,616 And Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. 308 00:15:05,776 --> 00:15:07,992 They didn't work, obviously, because they were stupid. 309 00:15:08,305 --> 00:15:11,872 So I am now going to fake fire him. 310 00:15:12,898 --> 00:15:15,985 - What does that mean? - It's like a mock execution. 311 00:15:16,105 --> 00:15:18,135 - That's not a good idea. - Yes, it is a good idea. 312 00:15:18,255 --> 00:15:20,213 It's the only possible solution I have left. 313 00:15:20,375 --> 00:15:22,881 - Well, you can actually fire him. - No... 314 00:15:24,014 --> 00:15:26,373 - I've had enough of you. - Why are you telling us this? 315 00:15:26,630 --> 00:15:30,307 Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay? 316 00:15:30,468 --> 00:15:32,657 Michael, if you hadn't told us this, 317 00:15:32,777 --> 00:15:35,478 then we would've thought that you were actually firing him. 318 00:15:35,639 --> 00:15:36,975 I'm not firing him! 319 00:15:37,095 --> 00:15:39,845 I will need you to act like I am firing him. 320 00:15:40,095 --> 00:15:41,526 Just... what I'm going to do 321 00:15:41,788 --> 00:15:44,481 is I'm going to pretend that I'm firing him. 322 00:15:44,601 --> 00:15:47,783 And I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? 323 00:15:47,943 --> 00:15:49,677 Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. 324 00:15:49,797 --> 00:15:52,629 He needs to learn humility, all right? That's all I'm... 325 00:15:52,749 --> 00:15:55,583 Okay, here he comes. Let's just play act. 326 00:15:57,865 --> 00:15:59,544 Stanley, may I talk to you for a second? 327 00:16:07,730 --> 00:16:09,039 Stanley Hudson, 328 00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:10,889 you are fired. 329 00:16:18,188 --> 00:16:19,355 Are you serious? 330 00:16:20,307 --> 00:16:23,038 I am serious. We are all serious. 331 00:16:24,089 --> 00:16:25,778 You are fired like a heart attack. 332 00:16:26,001 --> 00:16:29,159 You're firing me over three words? 333 00:16:29,338 --> 00:16:30,908 - Yes. - Have you lost your mind? 334 00:16:31,455 --> 00:16:34,265 Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me? 335 00:16:34,909 --> 00:16:37,704 I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, 336 00:16:37,824 --> 00:16:41,211 and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing 337 00:16:41,371 --> 00:16:43,592 - you've ever done up in this office. - All right, okay. 338 00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:44,862 You know what? 339 00:16:45,191 --> 00:16:46,771 Now you know how I feel. 340 00:16:47,629 --> 00:16:49,135 This was a fake firing. 341 00:16:50,419 --> 00:16:53,366 Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice. 342 00:16:54,092 --> 00:16:55,225 So I'm not fired. 343 00:16:55,625 --> 00:16:56,627 That's it. 344 00:16:57,413 --> 00:16:58,436 And... 345 00:16:59,458 --> 00:17:00,981 do you have anything to say to me? 346 00:17:01,775 --> 00:17:03,233 Yes, I do. 347 00:17:04,302 --> 00:17:07,620 You are out of your damn little pea-sized mind. 348 00:17:07,898 --> 00:17:12,192 What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense at all? 349 00:17:12,312 --> 00:17:14,865 Do you have any idea how to run an office? 350 00:17:14,985 --> 00:17:18,040 Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before. 351 00:17:18,426 --> 00:17:21,917 And I think, "There's no possible way he can top that." 352 00:17:22,037 --> 00:17:25,005 But you do you do? You find a way, damn it, to top it. 353 00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:26,579 You are a professional idiot... 354 00:17:26,699 --> 00:17:27,849 Hey, stop it! 355 00:17:29,642 --> 00:17:31,051 Okay, everybody out. 356 00:17:31,171 --> 00:17:33,179 - Who? - Yeah, everybody except Stanley. 357 00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:34,223 Let's go. 358 00:17:42,599 --> 00:17:45,382 - I can't find my glasses. - You know what? Take my hand, 359 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,735 and leave 'em and let's get out of here. 360 00:17:47,855 --> 00:17:48,979 Okay, okay. 361 00:17:52,856 --> 00:17:57,291 It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. 362 00:17:57,411 --> 00:18:01,304 In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. 363 00:18:01,424 --> 00:18:03,560 And then in the other corner, you have Stanley, 364 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,356 and he's mad. 365 00:18:06,555 --> 00:18:08,489 So that's about it. 366 00:18:28,468 --> 00:18:30,716 I don't understand why you keep picking on me. 367 00:18:30,836 --> 00:18:32,866 - Oh, for the love of god. - You just... 368 00:18:33,052 --> 00:18:35,448 do, and I don't know why, so... 369 00:18:36,192 --> 00:18:37,536 please help me understand. 370 00:18:37,723 --> 00:18:39,597 Fine. Here it is. 371 00:18:40,225 --> 00:18:42,951 You are a person I do not respect. 372 00:18:43,418 --> 00:18:46,612 The things you say, your actions, your methods and style. 373 00:18:46,732 --> 00:18:49,911 Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way. 374 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:55,414 Well, Stanley, 375 00:18:55,944 --> 00:18:58,565 maybe you are feeling that you don't respect me 376 00:18:58,685 --> 00:19:00,433 because you don't know me very well. 377 00:19:00,942 --> 00:19:03,674 Michael, I've know you a very long time. 378 00:19:03,942 --> 00:19:08,031 And the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you. 379 00:19:09,260 --> 00:19:10,710 Any other theories? 380 00:19:16,946 --> 00:19:18,841 All right, you don't respect me. 381 00:19:20,314 --> 00:19:21,510 I accept that. 382 00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:24,713 But listen to me. 383 00:19:25,051 --> 00:19:29,334 You can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. 384 00:19:29,454 --> 00:19:30,848 I am your boss. 385 00:19:32,001 --> 00:19:33,251 Can't allow it. 386 00:19:34,438 --> 00:19:35,488 Fair enough. 387 00:19:42,095 --> 00:19:44,853 I am a good person, and sometimes... 388 00:19:45,078 --> 00:19:47,559 good people don't get no respect. 389 00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,345 Rodney Dangerfield. 390 00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:53,015 Hey, I don't get no respect. 391 00:19:53,394 --> 00:19:54,816 No respect at all. 392 00:19:55,375 --> 00:19:58,529 When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got no respect. 393 00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:02,086 My wife likes to talk after sex. 394 00:20:02,541 --> 00:20:06,486 So she called me from a hotel room, said, "I don't respect you." 395 00:20:07,987 --> 00:20:09,011 Thoughtless. 396 00:20:11,554 --> 00:20:13,624 You know what don't get no respect? 397 00:20:13,744 --> 00:20:15,130 Airplane food. 398 00:20:15,637 --> 00:20:18,775 Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? 399 00:20:22,318 --> 00:20:24,268 My wife don't get no respect. 400 00:20:24,755 --> 00:20:27,320 Some... take her, please, for example. 401 00:20:29,572 --> 00:20:32,666 If you don't get no respect, you might be a redneck. 402 00:20:34,352 --> 00:20:37,525 Respect is nice. 403 00:20:37,645 --> 00:20:38,645 Borat. 404 00:20:41,525 --> 00:20:43,934 What's the deal with grape nuts? 405 00:20:44,235 --> 00:20:45,865 No grapes, no nuts. 406 00:20:47,343 --> 00:20:48,993 I don't get no respect. 407 00:20:51,788 --> 00:20:55,913 So I'm thinking as a reward for our loyal clients 408 00:20:56,033 --> 00:21:00,012 that we contact their assistants and we find out where they live. 409 00:21:00,454 --> 00:21:02,702 And then, we go to their houses 410 00:21:02,822 --> 00:21:05,408 in the middle of summer and go caroling. 411 00:21:05,719 --> 00:21:08,552 It is a summer Christmas celebration 412 00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:12,652 and we'll call it, "A summer sales a lot." 413 00:21:13,715 --> 00:21:15,903 Feedback, anybody? Stanley? 414 00:21:17,247 --> 00:21:19,865 Has the potential to be the best idea yet... 415 00:21:21,675 --> 00:21:23,535 That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. 416 00:21:24,444 --> 00:21:26,496 Damn it. All right, everybody out except Phyllis.