1 00:00:03,402 --> 00:00:05,097 Good morning, everybody. 2 00:00:05,170 --> 00:00:08,606 Who would like an authentic New York bagel, hmm? 3 00:00:08,673 --> 00:00:10,004 Stanley? Thank you. 4 00:00:10,075 --> 00:00:13,602 Oh, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you. 5 00:00:13,678 --> 00:00:16,044 Wow, H&H. 6 00:00:16,114 --> 00:00:19,174 You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels? 7 00:00:19,251 --> 00:00:21,879 Why? Is there a place closer that sells them? 8 00:00:21,953 --> 00:00:23,477 This is really nice, Dwight. Thanks. 9 00:00:23,555 --> 00:00:24,579 Thanks. 10 00:00:24,656 --> 00:00:25,953 Oh, don't mention it. 11 00:00:26,024 --> 00:00:28,959 You owe me one. You all owe me one. 12 00:00:29,027 --> 00:00:30,961 Good morning, Michael. Morning, Dwight. 13 00:00:31,029 --> 00:00:32,018 Hungry? 14 00:00:32,097 --> 00:00:34,031 No, I had a fish stick sandwich. 15 00:00:34,099 --> 00:00:35,794 Actually, I had two fish stick sandwiches. 16 00:00:35,867 --> 00:00:37,630 My girlfriend didn't want hers, 17 00:00:37,702 --> 00:00:40,262 because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs. 18 00:00:40,338 --> 00:00:41,896 Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac. Yeah. 19 00:00:41,973 --> 00:00:43,770 You're thinking of deer penis. It worked. 20 00:00:43,842 --> 00:00:46,174 Regardless, that was over two hours ago, 21 00:00:46,244 --> 00:00:48,974 and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. 22 00:00:49,047 --> 00:00:50,446 Bagel? 23 00:00:50,515 --> 00:00:51,880 I don't mind if I do. 24 00:00:51,950 --> 00:00:53,645 Okay, I brought cheese, too. 25 00:00:53,718 --> 00:00:54,912 I'm taking one for my lady friend. 26 00:00:54,986 --> 00:00:56,044 Excellent. 27 00:00:56,121 --> 00:00:57,782 Brain food. Thank you very much. 28 00:00:57,856 --> 00:00:58,845 Okay. 29 00:01:00,325 --> 00:01:01,383 You owe me. 30 00:01:01,460 --> 00:01:03,792 Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends, 31 00:01:03,862 --> 00:01:05,727 so they'll owe him a favor which he can use 32 00:01:05,797 --> 00:01:10,632 to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? 33 00:01:10,702 --> 00:01:14,729 Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical? 34 00:01:36,995 --> 00:01:38,860 Pam, would you care for a bagel? 35 00:01:38,930 --> 00:01:39,954 Oh, no, thank you. 36 00:01:40,031 --> 00:01:43,262 Oh, that's right, you're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. 37 00:01:43,335 --> 00:01:45,303 I'll try again. 38 00:01:45,370 --> 00:01:47,600 Please, Pam, reconsider and have a bagel. 39 00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:49,503 I have an early lunch. 40 00:01:50,442 --> 00:01:52,569 Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out 41 00:01:52,644 --> 00:01:54,669 ever since he started dating my mom. 42 00:01:54,746 --> 00:01:57,579 I don't know. I really hoped this thing would just die out, 43 00:01:57,649 --> 00:02:00,743 but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom. 44 00:02:00,819 --> 00:02:02,480 And we have to go. 45 00:02:03,188 --> 00:02:04,553 No way out. 46 00:02:06,157 --> 00:02:07,522 No way out. 47 00:02:08,393 --> 00:02:10,520 These are amazing. You took all these? 48 00:02:10,595 --> 00:02:13,689 I've always found beauty in uncommon places. 49 00:02:13,765 --> 00:02:16,063 Homeless people, graffiti. 50 00:02:16,134 --> 00:02:18,398 Photography lets me capture all that. 51 00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:20,062 Have you ever been photographed before? 52 00:02:20,138 --> 00:02:21,366 Oh, just by, like, friends. 53 00:02:21,439 --> 00:02:24,567 Well, here's what I've been doing around here. 54 00:02:24,643 --> 00:02:27,441 It's for a series on exposure in the workplace. 55 00:02:27,512 --> 00:02:29,605 Pammy? Hey! 56 00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:32,074 Hey! 57 00:02:32,150 --> 00:02:33,674 Happy birthday. Thank you. 58 00:02:33,752 --> 00:02:36,346 Girls, there they are. 59 00:02:36,421 --> 00:02:37,752 Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch. 60 00:02:37,822 --> 00:02:41,690 There's no better medicine than birthday lunch. 61 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,251 It'll cure all of your, 62 00:02:44,329 --> 00:02:47,264 "Gee, I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother." 63 00:02:47,332 --> 00:02:50,358 And fixes all occurrences of, 64 00:02:50,435 --> 00:02:52,767 "I don't really see them together." 65 00:02:52,837 --> 00:02:54,361 So, open wide, Pam, 66 00:02:54,439 --> 00:02:57,465 and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. 67 00:02:57,542 --> 00:02:58,873 Take with food. 68 00:03:00,111 --> 00:03:03,774 Pam, aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend? 69 00:03:03,848 --> 00:03:05,839 I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding. 70 00:03:05,917 --> 00:03:07,714 Yeah, I think everyone's met Helene. Hi. 71 00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:08,775 Shall we? Wait a minute, 72 00:03:08,853 --> 00:03:10,650 is that another birthday present for me? 73 00:03:10,722 --> 00:03:12,952 'Cause you already gave me a necklace. 74 00:03:13,024 --> 00:03:14,013 Oh, my God, I love it. 75 00:03:14,092 --> 00:03:16,083 Tell her how you gave it to me. No, that wouldn't be... 76 00:03:16,161 --> 00:03:19,562 He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. 77 00:03:19,631 --> 00:03:20,859 Nice way to wake up. - Yeah. 78 00:03:20,932 --> 00:03:24,868 The rest of the story has been censored due to inappropriocity. 79 00:03:24,936 --> 00:03:26,733 Because of sex? Kevin! 80 00:03:26,805 --> 00:03:29,103 Hey, please, Kevin. You're fired. 81 00:03:30,041 --> 00:03:32,475 Sorry, sorry, work with a bunch of idiots. Shall we go? 82 00:03:32,544 --> 00:03:33,909 Yes, let's go. 83 00:03:34,679 --> 00:03:35,976 Oh, wait. 84 00:03:36,047 --> 00:03:39,244 Swartz Lumber's on the phone for you, Pam. And they say it's urgent. 85 00:03:39,317 --> 00:03:41,581 Oh, you guys, just one second. 86 00:03:43,622 --> 00:03:45,021 Oh, my gosh. 87 00:03:45,657 --> 00:03:47,284 Are you serious? 88 00:03:47,959 --> 00:03:49,119 Shipping emergency. 89 00:03:49,194 --> 00:03:50,456 I don't think I can go to lunch. 90 00:03:50,528 --> 00:03:53,861 Oh, man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out, too. 91 00:03:53,932 --> 00:03:55,900 I know. Isn't that always how it goes? 92 00:03:55,967 --> 00:03:58,231 Rarely, if ever. 93 00:03:58,303 --> 00:03:59,531 Let me give it a whirl, I'll talk to them. 94 00:03:59,604 --> 00:04:00,832 I will handle it. That's okay. 95 00:04:00,905 --> 00:04:02,668 I feel like it's... It's my pleasure. 96 00:04:02,741 --> 00:04:04,902 Hello? Well, that's great. 97 00:04:04,976 --> 00:04:06,967 Turns out, the paper was there all along. 98 00:04:07,045 --> 00:04:08,535 Oh, thank God. 99 00:04:09,614 --> 00:04:12,811 Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive. 100 00:04:13,251 --> 00:04:15,776 So, Pammy, are you still liking sales? 101 00:04:15,854 --> 00:04:17,481 Yeah, it's exciting. 102 00:04:19,024 --> 00:04:22,391 You know, Michael and I were talking, 103 00:04:22,460 --> 00:04:24,587 and maybe, if you put in a little more 104 00:04:24,663 --> 00:04:28,429 face-to-face time with your clients, you could improve your sales. 105 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,967 Pam's sales are fine, actually. 106 00:04:30,035 --> 00:04:32,469 Just want you to succeed, Pammy. 107 00:04:32,537 --> 00:04:34,903 You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today. 108 00:04:34,973 --> 00:04:35,962 Thank you. 109 00:04:36,041 --> 00:04:37,872 Today's about family. 110 00:04:37,942 --> 00:04:41,036 Why did I get in the car? I could've struggled. 111 00:04:41,579 --> 00:04:43,706 I have a whistle in my purse, I didn't even blow it. 112 00:04:45,583 --> 00:04:48,108 Oh, Dwight, I have a little surprise for you. 113 00:04:48,186 --> 00:04:51,121 Let me guess, you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it. 114 00:04:51,189 --> 00:04:52,383 Yes. 115 00:04:53,291 --> 00:04:55,225 And I wanted to return the favor. 116 00:04:55,293 --> 00:04:57,523 I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over 117 00:04:57,595 --> 00:05:00,621 and notice that your briefcase was a little worse for the wear, 118 00:05:00,699 --> 00:05:02,394 so a little elbow grease, 119 00:05:02,467 --> 00:05:05,925 and she's polished right up, back to her former glory. 120 00:05:06,004 --> 00:05:08,438 Well. Feel it against your cheek. 121 00:05:09,274 --> 00:05:10,298 I will. 122 00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:12,343 You give me a gift, bam, thank you note. 123 00:05:12,410 --> 00:05:14,844 You invite me somewhere, pow, RSVP. 124 00:05:15,547 --> 00:05:18,641 You do me a favor, wham, favor returned. 125 00:05:20,618 --> 00:05:22,848 Do not test my politeness. 126 00:05:22,921 --> 00:05:24,582 Let me get that door for you. There we go. 127 00:05:24,656 --> 00:05:26,351 Thank you very much, and I got it for you. 128 00:05:26,424 --> 00:05:29,257 Oh! Goodness. Thanks. 129 00:05:29,327 --> 00:05:31,557 You know, here's a healthy fitness tip, 130 00:05:31,629 --> 00:05:33,324 if you clench your buttocks together while walking, 131 00:05:33,398 --> 00:05:35,093 you can really take the pressure off your knees. 132 00:05:35,166 --> 00:05:36,793 - Is that right? - Observe. 133 00:05:39,370 --> 00:05:40,394 Right? That really works. 134 00:05:40,472 --> 00:05:42,565 Yeah. Feel free to use that. Anytime, okay. 135 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,335 Hey, hold on a second. 136 00:05:44,409 --> 00:05:47,674 Do not walk around with your jacket catawampus. 137 00:05:47,746 --> 00:05:49,577 And that needs to be straight as an arrow. 138 00:05:49,647 --> 00:05:51,842 Thank you very much. 139 00:05:52,183 --> 00:05:54,913 Oh, boy. Hey, thank you very much for that. 140 00:05:54,986 --> 00:05:57,750 You are welcome. Have a seat. Allow me. 141 00:05:57,822 --> 00:05:59,722 Have a seat yourself. 142 00:05:59,791 --> 00:06:01,691 You know what? I am going to preemptively 143 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,729 change the batteries in your wireless mouse. 144 00:06:04,796 --> 00:06:05,888 Not necessary. No, no, no! 145 00:06:05,964 --> 00:06:08,330 You didn't have to do that. 146 00:06:08,399 --> 00:06:10,094 Andy is complicating things. 147 00:06:10,168 --> 00:06:12,796 But I'm not worried. This will only up my game. 148 00:06:14,439 --> 00:06:16,566 Hello. Scott. Table for four. 149 00:06:16,641 --> 00:06:20,133 Welcome, Scott family. It'll be just a moment. 150 00:06:20,211 --> 00:06:23,237 I used to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. 151 00:06:23,314 --> 00:06:27,876 Big part of my childhood. Maybe Michael will start dating that, too. 152 00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:30,921 What table should we take? So many to choose from. 153 00:06:30,989 --> 00:06:33,685 Wow. Oh, my God. 154 00:06:33,758 --> 00:06:39,162 What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. 155 00:06:39,230 --> 00:06:42,825 Oh, wait a second, you mean this one? Wow! 156 00:06:43,401 --> 00:06:44,868 Michael, you did all this? 157 00:06:44,936 --> 00:06:47,131 It's not about taking credit. Let's just say we all did it. 158 00:06:47,205 --> 00:06:49,196 Well, thank you, all of you. 159 00:06:49,274 --> 00:06:52,505 Well, it was actually me alone, so... 160 00:06:52,577 --> 00:06:53,976 Wow, look at this place. 161 00:06:54,045 --> 00:06:55,910 It really makes me want to go to Italy someday. 162 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,881 Oh, you'll love it. You can have my guidebooks. 163 00:06:58,950 --> 00:07:00,815 I think I'm done with those really long plane rides. 164 00:07:00,885 --> 00:07:02,716 Thank you for... 165 00:07:02,787 --> 00:07:04,482 Thanks for lending me the books. 166 00:07:04,589 --> 00:07:08,047 So, Mom, which birthday are we celebrating this year? 167 00:07:08,126 --> 00:07:09,252 Sticking with 49. 168 00:07:09,327 --> 00:07:10,658 Forty-nine again? 169 00:07:10,728 --> 00:07:13,788 That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition. 170 00:07:13,865 --> 00:07:15,594 That's funny. 171 00:07:15,667 --> 00:07:17,464 Well, as long as we're running numbers, Pam, 172 00:07:17,535 --> 00:07:18,763 help me out with this one. 173 00:07:18,837 --> 00:07:21,271 Let's see, honey, you're six months pregnant, 174 00:07:21,339 --> 00:07:24,900 but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to? 175 00:07:24,976 --> 00:07:28,912 Ooh, burn, burn on you. And a little bit on me, too. 176 00:07:28,980 --> 00:07:31,039 You're 54 years old. 177 00:07:31,115 --> 00:07:32,980 No, I'm 58. 178 00:07:34,352 --> 00:07:35,614 You're 58 years old? 179 00:07:35,687 --> 00:07:36,847 Uh-huh. 180 00:07:37,422 --> 00:07:39,049 Congratulations. 181 00:07:39,123 --> 00:07:41,683 The only time you should care about a woman's age 182 00:07:41,759 --> 00:07:43,283 is if she is too young for you. 183 00:07:43,361 --> 00:07:46,421 And I am not robbing the cradle. 184 00:07:46,497 --> 00:07:49,864 If anything, I am robbing the grave. 185 00:07:51,169 --> 00:07:52,864 Mom, have you decided what you want to be called? 186 00:07:52,937 --> 00:07:56,873 I mean, I like Nana, but I also like the classic Grandma. 187 00:07:56,941 --> 00:07:58,966 Please be Grandma. I want you to be Grandma. Definitely a Grandma. 188 00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:01,534 Michael. What do you think? Grandma? 189 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:03,304 Uh-huh. 190 00:08:03,381 --> 00:08:04,848 Yay! Grandma. 191 00:08:10,288 --> 00:08:13,280 Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, you think? 192 00:08:13,358 --> 00:08:14,484 Maybe. 193 00:08:14,559 --> 00:08:15,651 Helene? 194 00:08:15,727 --> 00:08:17,285 No. I don't think so. 195 00:08:17,362 --> 00:08:19,626 I am. I'm definitely going to do it. 196 00:08:19,697 --> 00:08:22,029 I've already got the run and the bike thing down, 197 00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:25,035 just need to learn how to swim. Come on, you in? 198 00:08:25,103 --> 00:08:28,834 No, no. I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out. 199 00:08:28,907 --> 00:08:31,068 I don't know, it just doesn't interest me. 200 00:08:31,142 --> 00:08:33,906 So, it's a matter of interest. Good. Okay. 201 00:08:33,978 --> 00:08:36,947 It's not anything you would have ever done? 202 00:08:37,015 --> 00:08:38,414 I might have done it when I was younger, 203 00:08:38,483 --> 00:08:40,474 but now there are just other things I'd rather be doing 204 00:08:40,551 --> 00:08:42,018 than running and jumping and swimming... 205 00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:44,520 Well, there's no jumping in a triathlon. Oh! 206 00:08:44,589 --> 00:08:45,988 You're thinking the broad jump. 207 00:08:46,057 --> 00:08:49,083 Would you try bungee jumping? No. 208 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:51,321 Snowboarding? No, no, you want to go snowboarding? 209 00:08:51,396 --> 00:08:53,091 I might, I might. 210 00:08:53,164 --> 00:08:54,995 Michael, what are you talking about? 211 00:08:56,601 --> 00:08:58,899 Nothing, just life 212 00:09:00,638 --> 00:09:05,439 and doing things before you die. I don't know. 213 00:09:06,010 --> 00:09:09,207 Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. 214 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,477 But I would like to if I wanted to. 215 00:09:18,222 --> 00:09:19,280 What's going on in here? 216 00:09:19,357 --> 00:09:20,449 Andy bought lunch. 217 00:09:20,525 --> 00:09:22,152 Oh, no, really? 218 00:09:22,226 --> 00:09:23,250 Yep, yep. 219 00:09:23,328 --> 00:09:25,819 Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness. 220 00:09:25,897 --> 00:09:28,058 There is no book, there's only a survival guide. 221 00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:30,396 You bought breakfast for everyone, 222 00:09:30,468 --> 00:09:31,799 so I got lunch for everyone. 223 00:09:31,869 --> 00:09:34,770 Okay, well, allow me. You know what? 224 00:09:34,839 --> 00:09:37,637 Gosh, these tacos are awfully complicated to make. 225 00:09:37,709 --> 00:09:39,836 I will make everyone's tacos! 226 00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:43,374 So we should get the check. 227 00:09:43,448 --> 00:09:45,348 What about your gift, Michael? Whoa, no, no, no. 228 00:09:45,416 --> 00:09:47,976 No, it's stupid. You'd hate it, I hate it. 229 00:09:48,052 --> 00:09:49,576 I'm sure I won't. Yes, you will. 230 00:09:49,654 --> 00:09:52,521 He locked himself in his office all morning working on it. 231 00:09:52,590 --> 00:09:54,558 Give me. Look at this wrapping paper. 232 00:09:54,625 --> 00:09:57,059 It's got the word "love" on it in every language. 233 00:09:57,128 --> 00:10:01,326 I literally... I put no thought into the wrapping at all. 234 00:10:01,399 --> 00:10:03,765 Might as well have been toilet paper. 235 00:10:03,835 --> 00:10:06,133 Toilet paper. Let's see. 236 00:10:06,204 --> 00:10:10,834 "A scrapbook of our first memories, by Michael Gary Scott, 237 00:10:10,908 --> 00:10:14,275 "for my girlfriend, Helene, on your birthday." 238 00:10:14,345 --> 00:10:16,939 That's just an arbitrary title. 239 00:10:17,015 --> 00:10:18,380 Okay, here's a penny. 240 00:10:18,449 --> 00:10:19,939 What's that from? Penny for your thoughts. 241 00:10:20,018 --> 00:10:21,747 It was from the wishing well at the mall. 242 00:10:21,819 --> 00:10:25,915 You threw it in, I went back later, waded in, and I found it. 243 00:10:25,990 --> 00:10:26,979 That's amazing. 244 00:10:27,058 --> 00:10:31,392 It's not amazing at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that. 245 00:10:31,462 --> 00:10:34,625 And now your wish won't come true, so that blows. 246 00:10:34,699 --> 00:10:37,600 A poem. Oh, that I plagiarized, I think. 247 00:10:37,668 --> 00:10:41,604 "I cannot go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay" 248 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:43,468 Shel Silverstein? Yeah. 249 00:10:43,541 --> 00:10:45,065 "I have the measles and the mumps 250 00:10:45,143 --> 00:10:47,407 "a gash, a rash, and purple bumps 251 00:10:47,478 --> 00:10:49,070 "And my teacher's really mean 252 00:10:49,147 --> 00:10:52,583 "Happy Birthday, I love you, Helene." 253 00:10:52,650 --> 00:10:54,618 It's really nice, Michael. 254 00:10:54,685 --> 00:10:55,913 I think it sucks. 255 00:10:56,888 --> 00:10:58,617 I think it's wonderful, absolutely wonderful. 256 00:10:58,689 --> 00:11:00,680 Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes, 257 00:11:00,758 --> 00:11:02,658 and you like lame things. 258 00:11:02,727 --> 00:11:05,855 It's a generational sort of gap between us. 259 00:11:05,930 --> 00:11:08,558 Oh, God, a scrapbook. 260 00:11:08,633 --> 00:11:09,895 Home run, Michael. 261 00:11:09,967 --> 00:11:11,332 You set the bar so high. 262 00:11:11,402 --> 00:11:12,460 That was a bunt. 263 00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:16,399 Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dwight, I'm going to do this. 264 00:11:16,474 --> 00:11:18,601 Hey, hey, hey, relax. I got it covered. 265 00:11:18,676 --> 00:11:19,870 No, I insist. 266 00:11:19,944 --> 00:11:21,878 No, no, no, no, no, I insist. 267 00:11:23,548 --> 00:11:25,413 Okay, Dwight, this is ridiculous. 268 00:11:25,483 --> 00:11:27,678 Don't worry about it, you can just owe me. 269 00:11:28,086 --> 00:11:30,418 Hey, where'd you go? 270 00:11:30,488 --> 00:11:31,921 Oh, I just went to the bathroom. 271 00:11:31,989 --> 00:11:34,389 And then you stopped at the bar on the way back? 272 00:11:34,459 --> 00:11:35,983 Got thirsty. 273 00:11:36,060 --> 00:11:38,426 Okay, weirdo. Come on, it's time for cake. 274 00:11:38,496 --> 00:11:39,793 Okay. 275 00:11:39,864 --> 00:11:41,092 Honestly, for a long time, 276 00:11:41,165 --> 00:11:43,963 I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. 277 00:11:44,502 --> 00:11:48,302 And then I met Helene, and she is great, 278 00:11:48,372 --> 00:11:51,967 and she already knows and has done everything 279 00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:56,810 that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. 280 00:11:58,182 --> 00:12:02,312 But I think I want to do those things myself. 281 00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:03,644 Cake's really good. 282 00:12:03,721 --> 00:12:06,656 I know. I love when they use butter-cream frosting. 283 00:12:06,724 --> 00:12:08,316 Finish your cake, Helene. 284 00:12:09,227 --> 00:12:11,627 I want you to enjoy that cake 285 00:12:11,696 --> 00:12:14,096 because I have something terrible I need to tell you. 286 00:12:14,165 --> 00:12:17,726 And I want you to enjoy your cake 287 00:12:17,802 --> 00:12:20,930 before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing. 288 00:12:24,275 --> 00:12:27,711 Helene, I think you're a wonderful person and I... 289 00:12:27,778 --> 00:12:29,643 God, I've enjoyed dating you 290 00:12:29,714 --> 00:12:31,511 and being your boyfriend so much, 291 00:12:31,582 --> 00:12:37,350 but I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a coworker. 292 00:12:37,421 --> 00:12:41,687 I cannot, in good conscience, continue to date you, 293 00:12:41,759 --> 00:12:43,818 when I know what this is doing to her. 294 00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:46,796 Michael. Michael, it's okay. 295 00:12:46,864 --> 00:12:48,161 No, it's not. 296 00:12:48,232 --> 00:12:50,700 I know that it took me a little while to come around, 297 00:12:50,768 --> 00:12:53,760 and it's still a little weird to get used to, 298 00:12:55,072 --> 00:12:57,905 but you obviously make my mom very happy. 299 00:12:58,609 --> 00:13:00,577 And that makes me happy. 300 00:13:01,445 --> 00:13:04,175 Wow, that just... You've really grown. 301 00:13:05,216 --> 00:13:07,810 Well... Oh, thank you, Pam. 302 00:13:07,885 --> 00:13:12,185 And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. 303 00:13:13,891 --> 00:13:16,951 Helene, once again, you are a wonderful person, 304 00:13:17,028 --> 00:13:18,495 and you have lived a great life, 305 00:13:18,563 --> 00:13:22,294 and I envy it, and I want it someday, but just in the future. 306 00:13:23,267 --> 00:13:25,758 You need somebody who understands your references. 307 00:13:25,836 --> 00:13:26,962 Who is Kafka-esque? 308 00:13:27,038 --> 00:13:29,131 I've never... I don't know him. 309 00:13:30,841 --> 00:13:34,174 There's another woman, and her name is Italy, 310 00:13:34,245 --> 00:13:36,543 and skydiving, and bungee jumping. 311 00:13:36,847 --> 00:13:38,041 Okay, so... 312 00:13:38,115 --> 00:13:39,480 And I want kids. 313 00:13:39,550 --> 00:13:42,451 And you, unfortunately, have already completed 314 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:44,351 that part of your journey down there. Michael. 315 00:13:44,422 --> 00:13:46,447 It's not my decision, it's Mother Nature. 316 00:13:46,524 --> 00:13:49,322 And Mother has very strict rules about 317 00:13:57,435 --> 00:13:58,902 fertility. 318 00:13:58,970 --> 00:14:01,165 I got it. 319 00:14:02,139 --> 00:14:05,131 I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now? 320 00:14:06,277 --> 00:14:08,108 Well, hobbies. Stop. 321 00:14:11,682 --> 00:14:13,877 What's going on? Stupid thing wedged up there. 322 00:14:13,951 --> 00:14:15,145 No one in this office will help me. 323 00:14:15,219 --> 00:14:16,652 Yeah, move it. 324 00:14:16,721 --> 00:14:19,189 What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? 325 00:14:19,257 --> 00:14:21,191 That is a recipe for a ghost. 326 00:14:21,259 --> 00:14:23,159 Oh, yeah, you're gonna owe me big time. 327 00:14:23,227 --> 00:14:24,558 Looks like a little envelope, there you go. 328 00:14:24,629 --> 00:14:26,597 Yup. Got it. "To Dwight"? 329 00:14:30,601 --> 00:14:31,727 Starbucks gift card. 330 00:14:31,802 --> 00:14:33,360 Surprise! 331 00:14:34,238 --> 00:14:37,207 It's from everybody. $15 value. 332 00:14:39,277 --> 00:14:41,939 Damn it! I am no closer to taking Jim down. 333 00:14:42,313 --> 00:14:44,076 What a waste of a day. 334 00:14:44,148 --> 00:14:47,982 I could've grown poison mushrooms that'd be this high by now! 335 00:14:48,819 --> 00:14:51,083 They're mushrooms, they don't get that high. 336 00:14:51,956 --> 00:14:54,117 Pamela Beesly-Halpert. What? 337 00:14:54,191 --> 00:14:55,783 May I have a word with you in my office, please? 338 00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:56,849 I am working. 339 00:14:56,927 --> 00:14:59,919 Well, this is a work-related matter. 340 00:14:59,997 --> 00:15:01,464 Really? Yes. 341 00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:03,664 Really? Yes. 342 00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:05,395 Join me, please, won't you? 343 00:15:09,674 --> 00:15:11,335 I'm going to give you a raise, Pam. 344 00:15:11,409 --> 00:15:12,467 Why? 345 00:15:12,543 --> 00:15:14,704 Because of all the good work you've done. 346 00:15:14,779 --> 00:15:16,747 I have the lowest sales record of anyone here. 347 00:15:16,814 --> 00:15:18,975 Don't, no. It's not about numbers Pam, 348 00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:20,381 it's about attitude. 349 00:15:20,451 --> 00:15:23,284 I have the worst attitude of any person here. 350 00:15:23,354 --> 00:15:25,914 Do you want the raise or what? 351 00:15:25,990 --> 00:15:27,048 Yeah, I'll take it. 352 00:15:27,124 --> 00:15:29,149 Okay, hey. Pam, Pam. 353 00:15:29,226 --> 00:15:31,820 With this raise, there are strings attached. 354 00:15:31,896 --> 00:15:37,664 And that string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude. 355 00:15:37,735 --> 00:15:38,997 You're bribing me? 356 00:15:39,070 --> 00:15:42,233 No, no. No, I am not. Unless you want me to. 357 00:15:42,306 --> 00:15:43,432 Do you want me to? 358 00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:45,771 Because I will, I will bribe you. 359 00:15:45,843 --> 00:15:52,248 No, your face is saying don't, unless I haven't offered you enough. 360 00:15:54,085 --> 00:15:56,076 Your face isn't changing. 361 00:15:56,787 --> 00:15:59,017 What is it? Talk to me, face. 362 00:15:59,090 --> 00:16:00,990 Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. 363 00:16:02,593 --> 00:16:04,959 Come on, what do you want? What do you want? 364 00:16:05,029 --> 00:16:07,520 Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? 365 00:16:07,598 --> 00:16:09,225 Do you want me to get down on one knee and beg you? 366 00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,325 I want to hit you. What? 367 00:16:11,402 --> 00:16:13,097 I want to hit you. I'll do that. 368 00:16:14,271 --> 00:16:16,034 Okay. 369 00:16:16,107 --> 00:16:18,405 What? I don't... Are you kidding? 370 00:16:18,476 --> 00:16:19,568 No, are you kidding? 371 00:16:19,643 --> 00:16:21,838 No, I don't... 372 00:16:21,912 --> 00:16:23,812 All right. Come on, I'll take off my jacket 373 00:16:23,881 --> 00:16:26,315 and tense my stomach and you just... 374 00:16:26,384 --> 00:16:30,150 No, I don't think I can hit you in the office. 375 00:16:30,221 --> 00:16:31,688 Okay. 376 00:16:31,756 --> 00:16:34,224 So, we'll do it after work. Hmm. 377 00:16:34,291 --> 00:16:36,919 In the parking lot, in front of everyone. 378 00:16:37,828 --> 00:16:39,159 I'm going to hit you as hard as I can. 379 00:16:39,230 --> 00:16:40,993 Okay. 380 00:16:41,065 --> 00:16:42,089 Okay. Okay. 381 00:16:42,166 --> 00:16:44,100 See you then. See you. 382 00:16:47,972 --> 00:16:49,064 Hey. Hi. 383 00:16:49,140 --> 00:16:51,005 Quick question. Yeah. 384 00:16:51,809 --> 00:16:53,470 Are you scared? 385 00:16:53,544 --> 00:16:54,909 Never. 386 00:16:54,979 --> 00:16:57,106 About what? A little. What are you talking about? 387 00:16:57,181 --> 00:16:59,115 We heard about the punch. What punch? 388 00:16:59,183 --> 00:17:02,050 Pam. She's going to punch the crap out of your face after work. 389 00:17:02,119 --> 00:17:04,087 I'm pretty sure we said slap. 390 00:17:04,155 --> 00:17:07,056 No, it's a punch and Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now. 391 00:17:07,124 --> 00:17:10,150 I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand 392 00:17:10,227 --> 00:17:12,593 what's going to happen. Do you? 393 00:17:13,497 --> 00:17:15,727 I'm good. 394 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:16,789 All right. See you there. 395 00:17:18,369 --> 00:17:19,927 Hey. Hey. 396 00:17:20,004 --> 00:17:22,268 Do you and Pam ever get frisky? Inappropriate. 397 00:17:22,339 --> 00:17:25,172 I mean, do you ever wrestle with each other? 398 00:17:25,242 --> 00:17:26,470 All the time. Really? 399 00:17:26,544 --> 00:17:27,568 Yeah. She's strong? 400 00:17:27,645 --> 00:17:28,669 She wants it bad, Michael. 401 00:17:28,746 --> 00:17:29,940 Can you stop this? 402 00:17:30,014 --> 00:17:31,948 I can. Okay. 403 00:17:32,016 --> 00:17:33,950 And I don't support her choice to hit you. 404 00:17:34,018 --> 00:17:35,178 I don't, either. 405 00:17:35,252 --> 00:17:37,584 But at the same time, she goes crazy, 406 00:17:37,655 --> 00:17:40,089 and I do understand her reasoning. 407 00:17:40,157 --> 00:17:42,284 Mmm-hmm. I know. 408 00:17:42,359 --> 00:17:44,350 I just need some time. I need some time to think about it. 409 00:17:44,428 --> 00:17:46,157 You got to do... Give me some time to make a decision. 410 00:17:46,230 --> 00:17:48,790 How much time do you need? No more than a week, maybe two weeks. 411 00:17:48,866 --> 00:17:49,855 Come on, man. 412 00:17:50,201 --> 00:17:52,362 Pam, can I talk to you for a second? 413 00:17:52,436 --> 00:17:54,700 I heard about the hit. Just to be sure, 414 00:17:54,772 --> 00:17:56,364 it's off company property, right? Right. 415 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:58,840 Yeah, okay, I think we should probably be okay. 416 00:17:58,909 --> 00:18:00,342 Okay. Okay. 417 00:18:00,845 --> 00:18:05,908 And the power comes from the back foot. 418 00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:09,844 So, it's all one motion through the body. 419 00:18:10,488 --> 00:18:14,652 So, there's... You stay a little low and there's a twist, 420 00:18:14,725 --> 00:18:16,056 and you keep your shoulder down. 421 00:18:16,126 --> 00:18:18,356 And you kind of throw out the arm. 422 00:18:20,164 --> 00:18:23,759 Okay, wait, you're saying it comes from the foot? 423 00:18:23,834 --> 00:18:24,823 Yes. 424 00:18:24,902 --> 00:18:25,926 Okay. 425 00:18:26,904 --> 00:18:28,496 Yeah. Okay. 426 00:18:29,607 --> 00:18:30,631 Hey, everybody. 427 00:18:30,708 --> 00:18:33,302 He's not in the men's room, although the seat was warm, 428 00:18:33,377 --> 00:18:34,810 so we may have just missed him. 429 00:18:34,879 --> 00:18:36,141 My money's on Pam. 430 00:18:36,213 --> 00:18:38,977 It's not a fight. What other outcome could there be? 431 00:18:39,049 --> 00:18:40,107 Michael could win. 432 00:18:40,184 --> 00:18:42,015 How? He can't hit back. 433 00:18:42,086 --> 00:18:45,112 Why can't you just agree with me sometimes? 434 00:18:45,189 --> 00:18:47,555 Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. 435 00:18:47,625 --> 00:18:50,651 Every day, weirdos pay dominatrixes hundreds of dollars 436 00:18:50,728 --> 00:18:52,423 for that very privilege. 437 00:18:52,496 --> 00:18:56,193 I'm scared I'm going to love it. Let's do this. 438 00:18:57,134 --> 00:19:00,126 It's okay, guys. I can handle this. Everybody can go home. 439 00:19:00,204 --> 00:19:02,172 We're here for the show, Michael. 440 00:19:02,239 --> 00:19:04,332 You're just a bunch of voyeurs. 441 00:19:04,408 --> 00:19:05,500 Are you eating popcorn? 442 00:19:05,576 --> 00:19:06,873 It has almost no calories. 443 00:19:06,944 --> 00:19:08,275 You ready? 444 00:19:09,446 --> 00:19:10,538 Yes. 445 00:19:11,749 --> 00:19:14,445 You have to keep your hands down. I know. 446 00:19:15,286 --> 00:19:17,413 Okay. All right. 447 00:19:18,822 --> 00:19:19,846 Oh, God! 448 00:19:19,924 --> 00:19:21,221 Michael, you have to keep your hands down. 449 00:19:21,292 --> 00:19:22,589 Put your hands in your pockets. 450 00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:23,957 Okay! 451 00:19:30,334 --> 00:19:31,631 Pam, Pam. 452 00:19:33,604 --> 00:19:35,538 I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. 453 00:19:35,606 --> 00:19:37,471 What are you sorry for? So many things. 454 00:19:37,541 --> 00:19:39,008 I don't know, it's hard to choose. 455 00:19:39,076 --> 00:19:40,168 How about for dating my mom? 456 00:19:40,244 --> 00:19:41,302 Maybe that's it. 457 00:19:41,378 --> 00:19:42,709 And dumping her on her birthday? 458 00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:44,008 Yes. 459 00:19:47,251 --> 00:19:53,622 Okay, just don't ever date a member of my family again. 460 00:19:55,426 --> 00:19:57,053 Okay, I promise. 461 00:19:58,262 --> 00:20:00,992 For the record, your mom came on to me. 462 00:20:02,633 --> 00:20:03,964 Holy crap! 463 00:20:06,470 --> 00:20:08,597 Are you okay? No! 464 00:20:08,672 --> 00:20:10,071 You're okay. 465 00:20:11,408 --> 00:20:12,466 Feel better? 466 00:20:12,543 --> 00:20:13,942 No, you were right. 467 00:20:16,981 --> 00:20:18,039 Wait, why are you limping? 468 00:20:18,115 --> 00:20:19,446 I don't know. 469 00:20:19,516 --> 00:20:21,279 Let's get some raw meat on that face. 470 00:20:21,352 --> 00:20:23,377 I've got a chicken in the freezer upstairs. 471 00:20:23,454 --> 00:20:27,914 As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming toward my face, 472 00:20:27,992 --> 00:20:31,086 I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. 473 00:20:31,161 --> 00:20:33,629 And guess what? I have four kids. 474 00:20:35,099 --> 00:20:38,557 And I have a hover car and a hover house. 475 00:20:38,636 --> 00:20:41,537 And my wife is a runner, and it shows. 476 00:20:42,573 --> 00:20:47,101 And Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together. 477 00:20:47,177 --> 00:20:50,374 And I'm happy. 478 00:20:50,447 --> 00:20:52,938 And I am rich and I never die. 479 00:20:55,319 --> 00:20:58,584 It doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me. 480 00:21:00,190 --> 00:21:02,181 Good, good, just keep it on there for another five minutes. 481 00:21:02,259 --> 00:21:05,160 It's cold, Dwight. Let the swelling go down. 482 00:21:05,229 --> 00:21:08,687 Oh, thank you. Thanks. I owe you one, Dwight. 483 00:21:11,368 --> 00:21:12,494 Fire Jim. 484 00:21:12,569 --> 00:21:14,036 No. 485 00:21:14,104 --> 00:21:15,833 I'm cashing in the favor, fire him. 486 00:21:15,906 --> 00:21:16,964 What are you talking... Do it. 487 00:21:17,041 --> 00:21:18,770 Promote me. Tri-managers. 488 00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:19,900 Forget that. 489 00:21:19,977 --> 00:21:21,035 Can I have an office? No. 490 00:21:21,111 --> 00:21:22,840 You know what, you can keep your stupid favor. 491 00:21:22,913 --> 00:21:24,244 It's worthless. 492 00:21:24,314 --> 00:21:27,579 And this is my dinner on your face, I'm keeping it. 493 00:21:28,385 --> 00:21:30,250 Oh, that feels better.