1
00:00:07,177 --> 00:00:08,738
[Buzzer]
2
00:00:11,147 --> 00:00:15,508
"The tea in Nepal
is very hot."
3
00:00:16,130 --> 00:00:21,147
"But the coffee in Peru
is much hotter."
4
00:00:22,010 --> 00:00:23,394
[Buzzer]
5
00:00:23,992 --> 00:00:28,182
Last week, I finally became permanent
Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton!
6
00:00:28,206 --> 00:00:30,740
My first project:
Increase security.
7
00:00:30,752 --> 00:00:33,981
I got these doors from a jewelry store
that had recently gone out of business.
8
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:37,573
Now they're protecting America's
real treasure-- Paper!
9
00:00:37,855 --> 00:00:40,891
Every morning, I email
the day's security codes.
10
00:00:40,942 --> 00:00:44,780
Something that's been really missing from
my life has been writing secret codes.
11
00:00:44,814 --> 00:00:46,625
It's not the KGB, but
12
00:00:46,650 --> 00:00:48,173
it's a start.
13
00:00:48,739 --> 00:00:50,360
[Buzzer]
14
00:00:50,527 --> 00:00:52,726
"The tea in Nepal
is very hot."
15
00:00:52,744 --> 00:00:55,012
"But the coffee in Peru
is far hotter."
16
00:00:55,045 --> 00:00:56,699
Close.
17
00:00:57,497 --> 00:00:59,453
This is Tuesday, right? The--
18
00:00:59,614 --> 00:01:01,995
The coffee
in Paraguay is far hotter?
19
00:01:02,032 --> 00:01:03,270
Colder.
20
00:01:03,292 --> 00:01:06,617
- "The coffee in Paraguay is colder?"
- No, I meant you were getting colder.
21
00:01:06,648 --> 00:01:08,285
The correct response is;
22
00:01:08,303 --> 00:01:11,007
"The coffee in Peru
is much hotter."
23
00:01:11,085 --> 00:01:13,170
- Oh, much. Okay.
- But that's three wrong,
24
00:01:13,195 --> 00:01:14,631
so I gotta give you the steam.
25
00:01:14,663 --> 00:01:17,338
- No.
- Unless you want me to break protocol.
26
00:01:22,537 --> 00:01:23,838
No,
27
00:01:23,856 --> 00:01:25,923
no. Give me the steam.
28
00:01:26,323 --> 00:01:27,854
[Hangs up phone receiver]
29
00:01:28,623 --> 00:01:30,783
[Steam whooshes]
30
00:01:30,922 --> 00:01:33,524
It's just harmless steam
to panic intruders.
31
00:01:33,556 --> 00:01:37,192
I'd like to get harmful steam,
but the prices are absurd!
32
00:01:37,446 --> 00:01:42,392
Break protocol!
Break protocol! Break protocol!
33
00:01:42,459 --> 00:01:44,947
Oh, I'm saving a fortune
on dry-cleaning.
34
00:01:45,247 --> 00:01:48,199
[Cheerful music]
35
00:01:48,345 --> 00:01:56,345
♪
36
00:02:12,330 --> 00:02:17,330
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com
37
00:02:17,826 --> 00:02:18,902
Mama.
38
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,934
Angela, someone wants you.
39
00:02:21,072 --> 00:02:22,734
Okay. Coming.
40
00:02:22,775 --> 00:02:25,619
[Baby crying]
41
00:02:25,857 --> 00:02:27,032
Hi, baby.
42
00:02:27,051 --> 00:02:29,100
Angela's divorce
from the senator
43
00:02:29,127 --> 00:02:31,079
has been very difficult for her.
44
00:02:31,110 --> 00:02:33,373
When she got kicked out
of her apartment,
45
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,520
I invited her
to move in with me.
46
00:02:35,660 --> 00:02:39,023
Ironic that now it's Angela
who's living in the closet.
47
00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:41,046
Hey-o.
48
00:02:41,540 --> 00:02:44,165
Saddle shoes with denim?
[Laughs]
49
00:02:44,248 --> 00:02:47,434
I will literally call
child protective services.
50
00:02:54,444 --> 00:02:55,744
Go get 'em, honey.
51
00:02:55,769 --> 00:02:57,930
Oh, don't worry.
They'll get got.
52
00:02:57,968 --> 00:02:58,892
[Laughs]
53
00:02:58,904 --> 00:03:00,597
Manager of Dunder Mifflin.
Check!
54
00:03:00,621 --> 00:03:03,186
Owner of a 1,600-acre beet farm.
Check!
55
00:03:03,205 --> 00:03:06,250
Engaged to be married to
an actual milkmaid.
56
00:03:06,268 --> 00:03:07,442
Check...
57
00:03:07,466 --> 00:03:10,198
on that later today.
58
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:13,548
This is my grandmother's ring.
59
00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:16,677
It was made from a bullet
I took out of her left buttock.
60
00:03:16,678 --> 00:03:19,308
She was a moonshiner
shot by Adolph Coors.
61
00:03:19,539 --> 00:03:22,532
This is my grandmother's
buttock bullet ring.
62
00:03:22,762 --> 00:03:24,329
[Background chatter]
63
00:03:24,347 --> 00:03:25,668
Hi. Good morning.
64
00:03:25,695 --> 00:03:27,927
Name is Andrew Bernard.
65
00:03:27,992 --> 00:03:31,923
You might know me from a TV
documentary that's premiering tonight.
66
00:03:32,329 --> 00:03:34,562
Also killed it
in local theater,
67
00:03:34,671 --> 00:03:38,131
and I am fresh off of
a hot industrial flick.
68
00:03:38,399 --> 00:03:39,776
Okay. Thanks.
69
00:03:39,812 --> 00:03:42,740
- Go ahead and get in the back of the line.
- Yes!
70
00:03:43,368 --> 00:03:48,723
[Overlapping chatter]
71
00:03:48,987 --> 00:03:51,282
Well, I burned all my bridges
at Dunder Mifflin,
72
00:03:51,307 --> 00:03:53,867
and time to become
the next American idol
73
00:03:53,892 --> 00:03:57,348
by winning America's Next
A Cappella Sensation
74
00:03:57,494 --> 00:03:59,662
on channel TBD.
75
00:03:59,894 --> 00:04:01,717
It's a really cool show. It's
like a total reinvention
76
00:04:01,723 --> 00:04:05,628
of the whole American
Idol/Voice/Sing-Off phenomenon.
77
00:04:05,672 --> 00:04:08,813
On this show,
all three judges are mean.
78
00:04:09,369 --> 00:04:11,164
[Overlapping chatter]
79
00:04:11,183 --> 00:04:13,021
Sales form for you to sign.
80
00:04:13,148 --> 00:04:14,740
You know what to do.
81
00:04:27,036 --> 00:04:28,025
Okay.
82
00:04:28,056 --> 00:04:31,473
Behind every great regional manager is a
great assistant to the regional manager,
83
00:04:31,491 --> 00:04:32,892
and I have chosen
one of the best.
84
00:04:32,910 --> 00:04:34,398
Aw, thanks, man.
85
00:04:34,410 --> 00:04:37,741
Once upon a time, we were natural enemies,
but we've overcome our differences,
86
00:04:37,768 --> 00:04:40,785
- much like Germany and
Italy in World War... - No.
87
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:42,345
Good call.
88
00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:44,622
Together, we run
a no-nonsense office.
89
00:04:44,665 --> 00:04:48,354
_
90
00:04:55,832 --> 00:04:58,082
Preconference room meeting
with Dwight went really well.
91
00:04:58,106 --> 00:05:00,126
Oh. Bodes well for the
post-conference room meeting.
92
00:05:00,144 --> 00:05:03,269
All depends on the conference room
meeting itself. [Musical ringtone]
93
00:05:04,265 --> 00:05:06,317
Uh, okay.
94
00:05:06,555 --> 00:05:08,558
- Is that them again?
- Yeah.
95
00:05:08,661 --> 00:05:10,674
Maybe you should call back.
96
00:05:11,116 --> 00:05:12,554
I will.
97
00:05:12,821 --> 00:05:15,014
I will.
98
00:05:15,969 --> 00:05:17,844
The guys at Athlead
are still bugging me
99
00:05:17,875 --> 00:05:19,775
about this three-month
road show thing.
100
00:05:19,793 --> 00:05:22,809
Meeting athletes on their home
turf, building relationships.
101
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:25,118
Yeah, it sounds exciting. But...
102
00:05:25,175 --> 00:05:27,342
I said no, and that's final.
103
00:05:27,692 --> 00:05:29,705
I almost lost Pam
over this business.
104
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:32,158
I'm not risking that again.
105
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:36,186
When Jim decided to come back to
Scranton full-time, I was relieved,
106
00:05:36,217 --> 00:05:39,342
but I also feel a little guilty.
107
00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:43,182
I mean, he's giving up
this big thing for me.
108
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,811
But he seems happy.
109
00:05:44,829 --> 00:05:47,377
I mean, he's certainly been
goofing around a lot.
110
00:05:47,571 --> 00:05:49,538
I love goofy Jim.
111
00:05:49,589 --> 00:05:50,571
Welcome.
112
00:05:50,589 --> 00:05:51,727
He welcomes you.
113
00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:53,102
Please take an agenda item.
114
00:05:53,126 --> 00:05:55,989
- Your agenda-taking pleases him.
- Have a seat, Phyllis.
115
00:05:56,192 --> 00:05:57,207
There we go.
116
00:05:57,219 --> 00:06:00,415
As you know, I like to begin each
day with an inspirational quote.
117
00:06:00,470 --> 00:06:04,647
"Some say the only failure there
is is the failure to try."
118
00:06:04,777 --> 00:06:05,616
[Imitates buzzer]
119
00:06:05,641 --> 00:06:06,641
"That is wrong.
120
00:06:06,672 --> 00:06:09,225
Failure of any kind
is failure."
121
00:06:09,237 --> 00:06:11,355
- Jim, over to you.
- Let's not get crazy
122
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:14,019
and ruin our no-nonsense
streak, all right?
123
00:06:14,038 --> 00:06:16,288
So, for instance, if you're
expecting a fax today,
124
00:06:16,306 --> 00:06:17,507
please don't yell out,
125
00:06:17,526 --> 00:06:20,252
"Michael J. Fax
from fax to the future!"
126
00:06:20,304 --> 00:06:21,974
Okay? That's nonsense.
127
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:24,481
- Question.
- Yes, beautiful girl in the front.
128
00:06:24,646 --> 00:06:27,587
We are expecting a water
delivery today at 10 a.m.
129
00:06:27,617 --> 00:06:29,771
What if, as they're
delivering the water jugs,
130
00:06:29,796 --> 00:06:31,966
someone screams out,
"nice jugs!"
131
00:06:32,010 --> 00:06:33,989
That's obviously nonsense.
132
00:06:34,014 --> 00:06:34,996
Nonsense.
133
00:06:35,009 --> 00:06:38,415
And what percentage of nonsense
do we tolerate in this office?
134
00:06:38,428 --> 00:06:40,420
- Zero.
- No nonsense.
135
00:06:40,438 --> 00:06:43,276
- No. Can't have nonsense.
- What is going on?
136
00:06:43,288 --> 00:06:45,005
Daycare won't take Phillip
anymore.
137
00:06:45,018 --> 00:06:46,368
- Why?
- [Sighs]
138
00:06:46,390 --> 00:06:50,596
Apparently my station in life has descended
to a depth even they won't forgive.
139
00:06:50,665 --> 00:06:52,440
So, hi.
140
00:06:52,887 --> 00:06:53,993
Hi, buddy.
141
00:06:54,018 --> 00:06:55,718
Okay. Um,
142
00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:57,206
new agenda item.
143
00:06:57,218 --> 00:06:59,388
Phillip will be joining us
at the office today.
144
00:06:59,406 --> 00:07:00,844
Gotta write that down.
145
00:07:00,907 --> 00:07:02,485
Okay, big day today.
146
00:07:02,510 --> 00:07:05,326
Airing of the documentary.
Who's excited?
147
00:07:05,769 --> 00:07:07,870
I'd better come out of this
smelling like a rose.
148
00:07:07,889 --> 00:07:10,658
I've been on my best
behavior for nine years.
149
00:07:10,781 --> 00:07:14,169
If it wasn't for the cameras, I
would've done some truly vulgar crap.
150
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,291
Over the course of this documentary,
I've had three affairs.
151
00:07:17,316 --> 00:07:19,320
If you find my body in a ditch,
152
00:07:19,338 --> 00:07:21,183
let me save the
police some trouble.
153
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,880
My wife did it.
154
00:07:22,970 --> 00:07:25,101
I'm letting you all off
half an hour early
155
00:07:25,113 --> 00:07:27,415
to view the documentary,
so you can make it up to me
156
00:07:27,433 --> 00:07:29,646
by working an extra
half an hour tomorrow
157
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,684
or a minute extra
for the rest of the month.
158
00:07:31,708 --> 00:07:32,847
Ooh! Announcement.
159
00:07:32,885 --> 00:07:35,074
Some of us whose
televisions got broken
160
00:07:35,085 --> 00:07:37,349
during an all-you-can-eat
shrimp commercial
161
00:07:37,377 --> 00:07:39,681
will be watching tonight
at Poor Richard's.
162
00:07:39,731 --> 00:07:43,631
But note, all are
welcome, not just those
163
00:07:43,681 --> 00:07:45,882
who saw an all-you-can-eat
shrimp commercial
164
00:07:45,909 --> 00:07:48,110
and charged their televisions.
165
00:07:48,304 --> 00:07:51,180
I can't believe the doc
is finally going to air.
166
00:07:51,376 --> 00:07:52,905
When this thing started,
167
00:07:52,918 --> 00:07:55,140
I was still having sex
with women.
168
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,372
As was Kevin, I believe.
169
00:07:57,538 --> 00:07:59,412
This airs tonight?
170
00:07:59,624 --> 00:08:01,412
Oh, my God.
171
00:08:01,566 --> 00:08:03,501
If my parents see this,
172
00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:05,266
I am toast.
173
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:10,117
This is really huge.
174
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:12,591
This is like the march on
Washington, but for a singing show.
175
00:08:12,607 --> 00:08:13,420
Whoohoo!
176
00:08:13,432 --> 00:08:15,294
Can you imagine if
Martin Luther King were here
177
00:08:15,317 --> 00:08:17,452
and sang I Dreamed a Dream
from Les Mis?
178
00:08:17,479 --> 00:08:20,048
With that baritone?
That would be historic.
179
00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:22,752
Whoohoo! Casey Dean!
Cincinnati, Ohio!
180
00:08:22,783 --> 00:08:25,071
- Whoa.
- ♪ Doctor, doctor, gimme the news ♪
181
00:08:25,083 --> 00:08:27,845
♪ I got a great Casey Dean
for you ♪
182
00:08:27,867 --> 00:08:30,575
- No. No, this is my time!
- America wants it!
183
00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:31,866
You don't belt on my time!
184
00:08:31,889 --> 00:08:35,192
- I belt on my time!
- ♪ Casey Deeeeee-eeean
185
00:08:35,214 --> 00:08:42,122
♪ Casey
De-ee-ee-ee-ee-ean ♪
186
00:08:42,273 --> 00:08:44,394
- Man, those are some nice pipes!
- Yeah.
187
00:08:44,419 --> 00:08:46,007
What's your name?
188
00:08:46,431 --> 00:08:47,865
Andy.
189
00:08:47,987 --> 00:08:49,506
What's yours?
190
00:08:50,576 --> 00:08:54,301
- Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?
- Why didn't you pack the apple snacks?
191
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,667
- Guys.
- Because whenever I pack the bag,
192
00:08:56,685 --> 00:08:57,973
you say I do it wrong.
193
00:08:57,985 --> 00:08:59,177
- Guys.
- Why don't you pack it?
194
00:08:59,199 --> 00:09:00,768
- Guys. - Kevin, what?
- Kevin, what is it?
195
00:09:00,780 --> 00:09:05,144
Do you want to see a video of a
weatherman who says "bold front"
196
00:09:05,174 --> 00:09:06,694
instead of "cold front"?
197
00:09:06,733 --> 00:09:07,753
It's insane.
198
00:09:07,771 --> 00:09:10,583
Not now, Kevin.
Can't you see we're busy?
199
00:09:10,652 --> 00:09:12,470
Phillip needs his apple snacks.
200
00:09:12,488 --> 00:09:13,797
Seriously, Kevin.
201
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:16,297
- I'm just gonna have to go to the store.
- Okay, you go to the store.
202
00:09:16,326 --> 00:09:18,440
Phillip, Phillip, Phillip.
203
00:09:18,468 --> 00:09:20,661
It's all about Phillip.
204
00:09:20,729 --> 00:09:23,473
I hate Phillip.
205
00:09:25,272 --> 00:09:26,134
[Door opens]
206
00:09:26,146 --> 00:09:27,325
Not now!
Private time!
207
00:09:27,337 --> 00:09:30,562
I love Star Wars as much as
the next guy... - Hey, hey.
208
00:09:30,606 --> 00:09:32,606
Seriously?
209
00:09:34,382 --> 00:09:36,600
My God, I'm so sorry.
210
00:09:37,914 --> 00:09:39,333
Well, this might
make up for it.
211
00:09:39,352 --> 00:09:42,049
I think I have found
an enormous source
212
00:09:42,096 --> 00:09:43,816
of overlooked PFN.
213
00:09:44,073 --> 00:09:45,630
Which is, of course...?
214
00:09:45,654 --> 00:09:47,829
- Potential future nonsense.
- Yes.
215
00:09:47,937 --> 00:09:49,956
Good abbreviating, Jim.
That saved some time.
216
00:09:49,975 --> 00:09:52,064
Now, hurry up. Shut the door.
217
00:09:52,488 --> 00:09:53,344
[Sighs]
218
00:09:53,369 --> 00:09:54,478
Break it down for me.
219
00:09:54,502 --> 00:09:57,277
I'm gonna need you to look
at your hierarchy mobile.
220
00:09:57,562 --> 00:10:00,144
- You've got a regional manager.
- The power source.
221
00:10:00,161 --> 00:10:02,141
Obviously, the assistant
to the regional manager.
222
00:10:02,165 --> 00:10:03,822
A loyal but bungling apostle.
223
00:10:03,841 --> 00:10:07,897
But what about the assistant
assistant to the regional manager?
224
00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:15,125
Someone to whisper in the ear
of the consigliore.
225
00:10:15,143 --> 00:10:16,468
Exactly.
226
00:10:16,492 --> 00:10:18,983
I'd have to get
some more wire and string,
227
00:10:19,436 --> 00:10:20,574
but it's doable.
228
00:10:20,614 --> 00:10:22,945
Do you think any of them
out there are capable?
229
00:10:23,070 --> 00:10:24,183
Yeah, right.
230
00:10:24,214 --> 00:10:26,296
I mean, unless they're
willing to pass some tests.
231
00:10:26,317 --> 00:10:28,142
I like the sound of that.
232
00:10:28,235 --> 00:10:30,804
- Who did you have in mind?
- Well, I know this sounds crazy,
233
00:10:30,816 --> 00:10:34,760
but how would King Arthur choose the
next knight of his round table?
234
00:10:35,309 --> 00:10:37,416
That doesn't sound crazy, Jim.
235
00:10:37,522 --> 00:10:40,389
That's the sanest thing
I've ever heard.
236
00:10:41,814 --> 00:10:45,140
- What are you listening to?
- Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note.
237
00:10:45,152 --> 00:10:47,390
♪ A 440
238
00:10:47,409 --> 00:10:49,401
- Oh, sweet.
- A cappella is all about pitch,
239
00:10:49,407 --> 00:10:53,039
and I am nothing if not
a total pitch bitch.
240
00:10:53,226 --> 00:10:54,401
What's up, everybody?
241
00:10:54,426 --> 00:10:58,259
And welcome to America's Next
A Cappella Sensation!
242
00:10:58,285 --> 00:11:00,352
[Cheers and applause]
243
00:11:00,568 --> 00:11:02,881
Oh, my God!
You're gorgeous!
244
00:11:02,906 --> 00:11:04,281
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
245
00:11:04,292 --> 00:11:06,556
And thank you for your patience.
And we hope to see you guys
246
00:11:06,574 --> 00:11:08,494
within the next five
to seven hours.
247
00:11:08,527 --> 00:11:11,222
Now, just to give you a couple
parameters of the show,
248
00:11:11,246 --> 00:11:14,056
each of you will sing a song
for 30 seconds,
249
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:15,937
after which our judges
will decide
250
00:11:15,955 --> 00:11:18,491
if they want you
in their a cappella group.
251
00:11:18,529 --> 00:11:20,840
Now, each group will start
with 90 singers
252
00:11:20,858 --> 00:11:24,546
which will compete in a series of
singing and physical challenges.
253
00:11:24,621 --> 00:11:27,573
Oh, and look out
for that pesky mole!
254
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:28,346
[Crowd murmuring]
255
00:11:28,365 --> 00:11:29,640
There's a mole?
256
00:11:29,678 --> 00:11:30,748
Oops.
257
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,342
I'm not supposed to--
258
00:11:32,399 --> 00:11:34,224
not supposed to say that.
All right. No mole.
259
00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:35,499
Forget I said it, all right?
260
00:11:35,524 --> 00:11:38,174
What mole? What are you talking about?
I already forgot about it.
261
00:11:38,212 --> 00:11:39,481
Good man right there.
262
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:41,875
I'll see you guys inside.
Good luck, all right?
263
00:11:41,894 --> 00:11:43,297
Yeah!
264
00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:45,123
Pour some Sugar Ray on me!
265
00:11:45,249 --> 00:11:46,484
What?
266
00:11:46,526 --> 00:11:48,130
- On a roll much?
- I don't know where it came from.
267
00:11:48,136 --> 00:11:50,402
- That was amazing, man!
- Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny.
268
00:11:50,426 --> 00:11:52,195
Yeah, you made a personal
connection with him.
269
00:11:52,217 --> 00:11:54,020
- I did. I felt it.
- Big time.
270
00:11:55,316 --> 00:11:56,905
What are you so excited about?
271
00:11:56,936 --> 00:12:00,033
- Nothing.
- What are you up to?
272
00:12:00,236 --> 00:12:01,636
[Laughs]
273
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:05,285
Members of the office, hear ye.
274
00:12:05,298 --> 00:12:07,187
That means ye, Plop.
275
00:12:07,234 --> 00:12:09,065
"Plop"?
Still?
276
00:12:09,089 --> 00:12:11,083
We owe Andy that much.
277
00:12:11,178 --> 00:12:14,329
- Absolutely, we do.
- Am I right, people?
278
00:12:14,959 --> 00:12:17,798
- Fine.
- Today, we will be testing candidates
279
00:12:17,841 --> 00:12:21,346
for the position of assistant to the
assistant to the regional manager.
280
00:12:21,364 --> 00:12:23,110
- Aw, heck, yeah.
- Nice.
281
00:12:23,129 --> 00:12:26,717
You'll always have the upper
hand when you've got a good
282
00:12:26,772 --> 00:12:28,228
"aarm."
283
00:12:28,252 --> 00:12:31,523
- Trademark pending.
- This is not an excuse to blow off work
284
00:12:31,536 --> 00:12:33,142
doing carnival-like
activities.
285
00:12:33,185 --> 00:12:35,671
Sure, every participant
will be getting a corn dog,
286
00:12:35,683 --> 00:12:37,386
but that's for fueling only.
287
00:12:37,415 --> 00:12:39,390
- No savoring.
- Wow. What an honor.
288
00:12:39,402 --> 00:12:42,137
- God, I envy them.
- He envies you.
289
00:12:42,172 --> 00:12:43,598
You don't need to repeat
right now...
290
00:12:43,617 --> 00:12:44,715
- All right.
- What I'm saying.
291
00:12:44,733 --> 00:12:46,902
By 2:00, Dwight
will choose himself
292
00:12:46,929 --> 00:12:49,340
to be assistant
to his own assistant,
293
00:12:49,365 --> 00:12:50,465
me.
294
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:57,942
What's up?
295
00:12:57,967 --> 00:12:59,786
What's going on?
How was the "delivery"?
296
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,472
Delivered all my
furniture to Philly.
297
00:13:01,488 --> 00:13:02,851
Hey, keep it down, though.
298
00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:04,507
Nobody knows I'm here.
299
00:13:04,661 --> 00:13:07,356
I hate good-byes,
so last week,
300
00:13:07,368 --> 00:13:08,989
when I left
Dunder Mifflin for good,
301
00:13:09,020 --> 00:13:10,683
I pulled the old
"Irish Exit."
302
00:13:10,701 --> 00:13:12,766
Just slipped out
with making a big deal.
303
00:13:12,832 --> 00:13:14,364
No hard feelings.
304
00:13:14,420 --> 00:13:16,246
No feelings at all.
305
00:13:16,356 --> 00:13:17,727
[Sighs]
306
00:13:17,921 --> 00:13:21,469
A good assistant knows
what their superior is thinking
307
00:13:21,488 --> 00:13:22,727
before they even think it.
308
00:13:22,759 --> 00:13:24,740
Meredith, what number
am I thinking of right now?
309
00:13:24,777 --> 00:13:26,866
Uh, two.
310
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,389
985,000,000,000,017.
311
00:13:29,437 --> 00:13:31,044
[Scoffs]
Not even close, Meredith.
312
00:13:31,062 --> 00:13:32,536
- Come on!
- Okay. Pam.
313
00:13:32,558 --> 00:13:34,558
What song is running
through my head right now?
314
00:13:34,646 --> 00:13:36,448
The theme song
from Saved by the Bell.
315
00:13:36,473 --> 00:13:38,723
Oh, my God! It was the
theme song to Boy Meets World.
316
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,067
Wait. No, no, no, stop.
317
00:13:40,103 --> 00:13:43,374
Spouses can read each other's minds.
You're trying to give your wife this job.
318
00:13:43,808 --> 00:13:45,678
That's exactly
what I was doing.
319
00:13:45,715 --> 00:13:48,053
Plop, what animal
am I picturing?
320
00:13:48,130 --> 00:13:48,868
A horse.
321
00:13:48,892 --> 00:13:50,774
Ew, the exact opposite,
actually.
322
00:13:50,822 --> 00:13:52,293
What's the opposite of a horse?
323
00:13:52,305 --> 00:13:54,399
- Come on. It's sea horse.
- A sea horse.
324
00:13:55,305 --> 00:13:56,669
Whoa,
325
00:13:56,694 --> 00:13:58,963
how did you know
that I was gonna...
326
00:13:58,980 --> 00:14:00,916
Both: Say that?
327
00:14:01,709 --> 00:14:03,439
Both: Uncanny.
328
00:14:04,651 --> 00:14:06,314
Challenge number two, protocol.
329
00:14:06,338 --> 00:14:07,463
- Clark!
- Yeah.
330
00:14:07,495 --> 00:14:09,205
Do you want a corn dog?
331
00:14:09,238 --> 00:14:11,226
- I would love a corn dog.
- We'll see.
332
00:14:11,264 --> 00:14:13,864
You are an assistant who's just
gotten a phone message.
333
00:14:13,893 --> 00:14:17,312
I am in a meeting with Dwight,
Robert Dunder, and his niece.
334
00:14:17,347 --> 00:14:19,039
Uh-oh, look who came to join us.
335
00:14:19,068 --> 00:14:21,174
The Turkish ambassador
to Armenia,
336
00:14:21,207 --> 00:14:24,689
Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely
embarrassed about the size of his nose.
337
00:14:24,761 --> 00:14:26,660
Go ahead and read
that phone message.
338
00:14:27,053 --> 00:14:29,135
"Mr. Halpert, your wife
called to find out
339
00:14:29,164 --> 00:14:31,011
how your meeting
with Yuri big nose went."
340
00:14:31,029 --> 00:14:32,174
No, no, no, no!
341
00:14:32,198 --> 00:14:34,559
You don't read it
aloud like that!
342
00:14:34,693 --> 00:14:37,228
God! Besides, the whole
thing is a trick question.
343
00:14:37,253 --> 00:14:39,361
There's no Turkish ambassador
to Armenia.
344
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,442
The two countries don't have
diplomatic relations.
345
00:14:44,182 --> 00:14:45,873
Uncanny.
346
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:49,208
I just hope that if my buddies
who are still in Afghanistan
347
00:14:49,227 --> 00:14:52,061
see me win, they'll feel like
anything is possible.
348
00:14:52,185 --> 00:14:53,941
Great. More screen time
for the war vet.
349
00:14:53,978 --> 00:14:55,216
[Scoffs]
350
00:14:55,284 --> 00:14:58,470
All you gotta do is risk your life for this
country and everyone goes Gaga for you.
351
00:14:58,495 --> 00:14:59,785
Oh, over at
the porta-potties,
352
00:14:59,806 --> 00:15:02,735
they were interviewing a homeless,
single mother with three kids.
353
00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:04,948
- What?
- Yeah.
354
00:15:04,999 --> 00:15:09,447
Is this a show about the
resiliency of the human spirit
355
00:15:09,466 --> 00:15:11,460
or is it a show about singing?
356
00:15:11,472 --> 00:15:13,460
I don't know, but I'm getting
really worried here.
357
00:15:13,489 --> 00:15:15,108
Me too.
358
00:15:15,925 --> 00:15:18,827
- Hold my place in line.
- Where are you going?
359
00:15:19,548 --> 00:15:22,050
They want
feel-good stories?
360
00:15:22,509 --> 00:15:24,977
Wait till they get
a good feel of me.
361
00:15:25,982 --> 00:15:27,864
- Thanks, man.
- Thank you.
362
00:15:27,896 --> 00:15:29,486
Yep. Take care.
363
00:15:29,864 --> 00:15:32,068
- Darryl, hey.
- Hey.
364
00:15:32,304 --> 00:15:33,963
Cool. Are you coming
back to say hi?
365
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:36,505
No, no.
I'm not here, actually.
366
00:15:36,624 --> 00:15:38,077
These doughnuts
are part of my escape
367
00:15:38,101 --> 00:15:40,226
from the guys at the warehouse
I didn't say good-bye to.
368
00:15:40,258 --> 00:15:41,497
Aha!
369
00:15:41,521 --> 00:15:43,438
- How's Athlead?
- We livin' like rock stars.
370
00:15:43,456 --> 00:15:46,405
I'm about to eat free steak
with my sports heroes
371
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,698
in 32 different cities.
372
00:15:47,737 --> 00:15:49,725
- Wow.
- Jim really doesn't want to come?
373
00:15:49,762 --> 00:15:52,592
- He says he doesn't want to.
- Wow. Man.
374
00:15:52,670 --> 00:15:54,304
I hope he doesn't regret it.
375
00:15:54,483 --> 00:15:56,921
Well, he seems really happy being
back here at Dunder Mifflin.
376
00:15:56,933 --> 00:15:58,202
[Laughs]
377
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,781
Jim is happy here,
selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?
378
00:16:00,881 --> 00:16:02,584
That's what he says.
379
00:16:02,827 --> 00:16:04,246
If you say so.
380
00:16:04,265 --> 00:16:05,383
Hey, good seeing you.
381
00:16:05,413 --> 00:16:07,526
Remember, I was never here.
382
00:16:07,611 --> 00:16:08,611
All right, then.
383
00:16:08,641 --> 00:16:09,891
[Door opens]
384
00:16:10,093 --> 00:16:13,429
An assistant brings their boss
coffee with speed and dexterity,
385
00:16:13,456 --> 00:16:15,490
but an assistant
to the assistant
386
00:16:15,515 --> 00:16:16,965
has a thousand times
more to prove,
387
00:16:16,980 --> 00:16:18,565
- am I right?
- A thousand times more.
388
00:16:18,604 --> 00:16:20,247
- I'll try this one.
- Phyllis.
389
00:16:20,265 --> 00:16:22,467
Grab both these coffees,
double fist it,
390
00:16:22,504 --> 00:16:25,383
- and head through this obstacle course.
- Okay. Ooh, it's hot.
391
00:16:25,420 --> 00:16:27,143
Yeah. It's real.
392
00:16:27,841 --> 00:16:29,752
It's the only way
you'll learn. Okay.
393
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,710
And go ahead.
394
00:16:33,405 --> 00:16:35,216
Oh, God, nice.
395
00:16:35,436 --> 00:16:36,749
She's through the green,
everybody.
396
00:16:36,762 --> 00:16:38,333
- Here comes yellow.
- No, no, no, no.
397
00:16:38,354 --> 00:16:39,371
- A real doozy.
- Oh, boy.
398
00:16:39,393 --> 00:16:41,260
Phyllis, seriously?
399
00:16:41,488 --> 00:16:43,444
- Look at that form.
- Oh, my God, that's just pathetic!
400
00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:45,355
The boss needs his coffee!
[Gasps]
401
00:16:45,490 --> 00:16:46,955
- Wow.
- [Grunts]
402
00:16:46,974 --> 00:16:48,149
[Gasps]
403
00:16:48,176 --> 00:16:49,707
[Grunts]
404
00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:51,917
[Gasps]
405
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,943
Here you are, sir!
Here's your coffee!
406
00:16:54,073 --> 00:16:55,930
Ow! My skin!
Ow! Ow!
407
00:16:55,965 --> 00:16:57,729
Aah! It burns! Aah!
408
00:16:57,768 --> 00:16:59,752
Aah! Aah!
[Bell dings]
409
00:17:00,289 --> 00:17:01,595
Uncanny.
410
00:17:01,644 --> 00:17:04,849
[Applause]
411
00:17:04,997 --> 00:17:07,062
Darryl?
Darryl!
412
00:17:07,756 --> 00:17:09,856
- Oh!
- Oh, hey!
413
00:17:09,901 --> 00:17:11,908
Hey, what's up, y'all?
414
00:17:11,932 --> 00:17:14,013
You left us
without saying good-bye!
415
00:17:14,085 --> 00:17:15,120
Oh.
416
00:17:15,163 --> 00:17:16,226
My bad.
417
00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:17,450
Good-bye, everybody.
418
00:17:17,468 --> 00:17:19,233
- No, that is totally uncool!
- Hey, no way!
419
00:17:19,245 --> 00:17:21,125
Are you kidding?
420
00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:22,807
You broke our hearts.
421
00:17:22,830 --> 00:17:24,568
- Get upstairs.
- I don't think I should--
422
00:17:24,586 --> 00:17:26,168
Get upstairs, mister!
423
00:17:26,193 --> 00:17:28,226
- Yeah!
- Right now!
424
00:17:28,244 --> 00:17:29,765
So, I'm going upstairs.
425
00:17:29,872 --> 00:17:32,791
You know, Dwight, this whole
search for the assistant thing,
426
00:17:32,815 --> 00:17:34,217
none of these people
are good enough.
427
00:17:34,241 --> 00:17:35,186
I know.
428
00:17:35,211 --> 00:17:39,088
What I'm about to say makes
no logical sense, and yet
429
00:17:39,113 --> 00:17:41,041
it might be the most logical
thing I've ever said.
430
00:17:41,062 --> 00:17:42,738
Jim, this is gonna come
as no surprise,
431
00:17:42,744 --> 00:17:44,926
but I know exactly
what you were gonna say.
432
00:17:44,947 --> 00:17:47,856
The only possible assistant
to my assistant...
433
00:17:47,884 --> 00:17:49,549
Is...
434
00:17:49,723 --> 00:17:50,690
Me.
435
00:17:50,718 --> 00:17:51,423
[Clicks tongue]
436
00:17:51,453 --> 00:17:53,528
The new assistant
437
00:17:53,553 --> 00:17:55,253
to the assistant
438
00:17:55,269 --> 00:17:57,757
to the regional manager is...
439
00:17:58,294 --> 00:17:59,987
- Dwight K. Schrute.
- Yes!
440
00:17:59,993 --> 00:18:01,642
[Halfhearted applause]
441
00:18:01,879 --> 00:18:02,899
Thank you.
442
00:18:02,911 --> 00:18:05,469
I think you might
want to kneel for this.
443
00:18:05,492 --> 00:18:08,994
And yet, the manager for Dunder
Mifflin kneels for no man.
444
00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:13,217
Wait.
445
00:18:13,235 --> 00:18:14,618
- That's it.
- Okay.
446
00:18:14,653 --> 00:18:16,187
You look really, really good.
447
00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:19,223
[Applause]
448
00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:27,970
Okay, from now on,
449
00:18:27,989 --> 00:18:29,865
anyone who needs to speak to me
450
00:18:29,887 --> 00:18:33,330
has got to go
through me first, all right?
451
00:18:34,174 --> 00:18:36,142
[Exhales]
452
00:18:38,610 --> 00:18:40,185
Hey.
453
00:18:40,541 --> 00:18:43,431
- Hey.
- You all right?
454
00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:46,579
What's going on?
455
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,552
Are you happy?
456
00:18:48,571 --> 00:18:50,349
Yes, I'm happy.
457
00:18:50,372 --> 00:18:52,372
No, I know that you're, like,
458
00:18:52,409 --> 00:18:54,197
happy, and, like,
you had fun today.
459
00:18:54,222 --> 00:18:55,760
- Yeah.
- And that was fun. But
460
00:18:55,779 --> 00:18:57,647
what about a year from now?
461
00:18:57,678 --> 00:18:59,607
- What?
- What about five years from now?
462
00:18:59,619 --> 00:19:01,694
- Pam.
- Because I'm so glad you're back, baby,
463
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:04,569
but I'm just--I was
talking to Darryl,
464
00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:06,753
and he was talking
about the trip,
465
00:19:06,777 --> 00:19:09,472
and I just feel like
you're giving up so much.
466
00:19:09,490 --> 00:19:12,178
This was my decision,
not yours.
467
00:19:12,202 --> 00:19:14,251
- Okay. I kind of forced you to do it.
- You didn't force me.
468
00:19:14,282 --> 00:19:16,438
- You did not force me to do this.
- Yes, I did.
469
00:19:16,463 --> 00:19:18,719
- I don't know how else to tell you.
- I'm afraid you're gonna resent me,
470
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,030
- and I'm afraid that...
- Resent you?
471
00:19:20,042 --> 00:19:23,328
This is not enough for you, and I'm
afraid that I'm not enough for you.
472
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:26,570
Is that really what you think?
473
00:19:28,730 --> 00:19:30,692
Not enough?
474
00:19:31,016 --> 00:19:34,004
I don't know how else
to explain it to her, so...
475
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,879
you know what? I know
it's against the rules, but
476
00:19:37,008 --> 00:19:39,040
I'm gonna need
a favor from you guys.
477
00:19:39,329 --> 00:19:41,127
Okay.
You got it, man.
478
00:19:46,596 --> 00:19:48,640
I didn't realize we
were this close.
479
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:51,494
We're all a little hormonal
with the doc airing.
480
00:19:51,807 --> 00:19:54,168
Are you gonna come to poor Richard's
and watch with us tonight?
481
00:19:54,206 --> 00:19:56,924
Uh... yeah.
482
00:19:57,134 --> 00:19:58,351
Depending on traffic.
483
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,173
- He ain't coming.
- Oh, God!
484
00:20:02,424 --> 00:20:05,218
These dudes are definitely
in a weird mood.
485
00:20:05,502 --> 00:20:08,012
Picked the wrong day
to return a truck.
486
00:20:08,037 --> 00:20:10,612
- Well, it's been great.
- 11 years.
487
00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:12,591
A guy is in your life
for 11 years,
488
00:20:12,609 --> 00:20:14,611
and then he's gone
for who knows how long.
489
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,490
Maybe forever.
Anyhow--
490
00:20:16,502 --> 00:20:19,152
Did we ever have lunch
together, just--
491
00:20:19,494 --> 00:20:20,844
just the two of us?
492
00:20:20,869 --> 00:20:23,633
You know what, I'm gonna
make reservations right now
493
00:20:23,828 --> 00:20:25,888
- at Cugino's.
- Question for Darryl.
494
00:20:25,913 --> 00:20:28,479
Did we ever get loaded and
listen to zeppelin in my van?
495
00:20:28,513 --> 00:20:30,354
Oh, oh, I'm sure we did.
496
00:20:30,372 --> 00:20:33,435
Nah, I call
one hour van time with Darryl.
497
00:20:33,453 --> 00:20:36,370
Darryl, you know, I would love to
just record some of your stories,
498
00:20:36,404 --> 00:20:39,265
just let the tape roll for
six or eight or ten hours,
499
00:20:39,278 --> 00:20:40,863
and just see what we get.
500
00:20:40,875 --> 00:20:42,793
Listen, guys, we can do it all.
501
00:20:42,818 --> 00:20:46,393
We just have to divide Darryl's next
12 hours into 90-minute segments.
502
00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:49,011
I will go watch an eHow
video on how to use excel,
503
00:20:49,035 --> 00:20:52,261
- and then we'll get this started.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
504
00:20:52,713 --> 00:20:55,533
Okay, I made the mistake
of sneaking out of here,
505
00:20:55,594 --> 00:20:56,811
and that's on me.
506
00:20:56,837 --> 00:21:00,081
But I'm not gonna spend
the rest of the day here
507
00:21:00,105 --> 00:21:02,828
doing stuff with you 'cause
you're feeling sentimental.
508
00:21:02,867 --> 00:21:04,633
- You have to!
- Come on!
509
00:21:04,646 --> 00:21:08,149
Hey, hey, hey.
I'll do one thing with y'all.
510
00:21:08,168 --> 00:21:09,399
Which thing?
511
00:21:09,411 --> 00:21:10,963
I don't care.
Choose amongst yourselves.
512
00:21:10,985 --> 00:21:13,398
Not the van though.
513
00:21:15,195 --> 00:21:17,624
[Rhythmic tapping]
514
00:21:18,060 --> 00:21:19,478
Kevin, Kevin.
515
00:21:19,504 --> 00:21:21,471
Oh, you know my name.
516
00:21:21,531 --> 00:21:24,035
Well, that is shocking.
517
00:21:24,111 --> 00:21:26,172
Kevin, could you not do that?
518
00:21:26,204 --> 00:21:26,997
What?
519
00:21:27,016 --> 00:21:30,583
I'm moving the ink
down in my pen, for work.
520
00:21:31,079 --> 00:21:33,642
- Here, use my pen.
- Don't tell me what to do!
521
00:21:33,686 --> 00:21:35,774
- Both: Shh!
- No, I don't need this.
522
00:21:35,809 --> 00:21:38,278
And you obviously
don't need me.
523
00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:40,609
- Kevin, where are you going?
- Away.
524
00:21:40,634 --> 00:21:45,397
Tell Phillip that his stupid
little baby wish came true.
525
00:21:48,543 --> 00:21:49,968
He just won't go down.
526
00:21:49,994 --> 00:21:52,394
It's as if he's excited
by all this paper.
527
00:21:52,431 --> 00:21:54,648
I know, earlier today
he tried to eat
528
00:21:54,683 --> 00:21:57,068
some of the 24-weight
letter bond.
529
00:21:57,089 --> 00:21:58,639
Smart baby.
530
00:21:58,668 --> 00:22:01,490
That's the most flavorful bond.
531
00:22:07,978 --> 00:22:09,695
Hey, what's going on over here,
532
00:22:09,701 --> 00:22:12,408
some sort of singing
competition for the young'uns?
533
00:22:12,420 --> 00:22:13,571
You're back.
534
00:22:13,587 --> 00:22:15,909
- No, it's me, Andy.
- No, I know.
535
00:22:15,915 --> 00:22:17,844
No, no, no, I'm wearing makeup.
536
00:22:17,873 --> 00:22:19,573
You did a really great job.
537
00:22:19,591 --> 00:22:21,963
- You even look shorter.
- Oh, I took out my lifts.
538
00:22:21,975 --> 00:22:23,699
- Oh.
- Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard,
539
00:22:23,711 --> 00:22:25,441
this character
is my real height.
540
00:22:25,495 --> 00:22:26,738
Oh.
541
00:22:26,744 --> 00:22:30,176
All day long, it's moo the
cows and cluck the hens.
542
00:22:30,201 --> 00:22:32,027
- Mm-hmm.
- Get the sheep baa-ed.
543
00:22:32,045 --> 00:22:33,605
Oink the pigs.
544
00:22:33,630 --> 00:22:35,974
Oink the pigs,
that is very important.
545
00:22:36,019 --> 00:22:38,307
Dwight, I'm telling you
about all the things
546
00:22:38,344 --> 00:22:40,776
that ma said after the horse
kicked her in the head.
547
00:22:40,896 --> 00:22:42,966
Where are you?
548
00:22:43,377 --> 00:22:44,790
Dwight?
549
00:22:44,845 --> 00:22:46,798
The way that boy
looks at the Galactica
550
00:22:46,827 --> 00:22:49,862
is precisely the way
I look at the Galactica.
551
00:22:50,038 --> 00:22:53,210
And he eats the same kind
of paper I do.
552
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,367
Hmm.
553
00:23:02,392 --> 00:23:04,945
- Thank you, Esther.
- Bye.
554
00:23:15,355 --> 00:23:17,446
You threw the summoning bag
at me, sir?
555
00:23:17,469 --> 00:23:19,129
I need you to perform a test.
556
00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:22,006
- Perform a test.
- On an innocent baby.
557
00:23:22,035 --> 00:23:24,310
Ooh, I like where
this is going.
558
00:23:24,335 --> 00:23:26,105
Unfortunately, I have a lot
on my plate today,
559
00:23:26,121 --> 00:23:28,297
so I'm gonna have to hand
this off to my number two.
560
00:23:28,315 --> 00:23:30,228
But don't worry,
561
00:23:30,253 --> 00:23:32,003
he's the best in the biz.
562
00:23:32,196 --> 00:23:34,379
- Damn straight.
- Unless you think he can't handle it.
563
00:23:34,397 --> 00:23:37,187
- Hey, he can handle it.
- All right.
564
00:23:41,733 --> 00:23:44,684
Listen, listen. Shh, buddy.
565
00:23:44,717 --> 00:23:48,092
Stanley's sleeping. You don't want to
wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you?
566
00:23:48,142 --> 00:23:50,092
I heard that.
567
00:23:50,123 --> 00:23:51,586
Mama.
568
00:23:51,790 --> 00:23:53,884
Hey, you want me to take
the little diaper blaster?
569
00:23:53,903 --> 00:23:57,774
Pam can attest, there's no one better
at getting brats to shut their yaps.
570
00:23:58,387 --> 00:23:59,871
He does have a gift.
571
00:23:59,898 --> 00:24:01,513
Well, he's calling for his mom,
572
00:24:01,531 --> 00:24:03,479
but, okay, here, here you go.
573
00:24:03,504 --> 00:24:05,055
- Careful, he bites.
- Mama.
574
00:24:05,089 --> 00:24:06,862
Okay.
575
00:24:09,050 --> 00:24:11,776
You ever been
in a manager's office before?
576
00:24:12,303 --> 00:24:14,252
Phillip, you wanna play
a little game?
577
00:24:14,277 --> 00:24:16,427
It's called
"Schrute or Consequences."
578
00:24:16,445 --> 00:24:18,736
You're gonna choose
one of these two things,
579
00:24:18,744 --> 00:24:21,813
a check for a million dollars
580
00:24:22,147 --> 00:24:25,687
or this dirty old beet.
581
00:24:26,006 --> 00:24:28,226
Yuck, pew!
582
00:24:28,319 --> 00:24:30,409
Which will it be?
583
00:24:31,083 --> 00:24:33,822
Money or the beet?
584
00:24:35,082 --> 00:24:36,576
Beet.
585
00:24:36,857 --> 00:24:37,965
Yeah.
586
00:24:37,981 --> 00:24:39,275
[Babbles]
587
00:24:39,301 --> 00:24:41,083
Any ordinary child
would have taken the money,
588
00:24:41,095 --> 00:24:42,943
but you're no ordinary child,
are you?
589
00:24:42,965 --> 00:24:44,346
No.
590
00:24:44,454 --> 00:24:46,874
I can tell by your gorgeous,
591
00:24:46,930 --> 00:24:49,303
widely-set eyes.
592
00:24:52,220 --> 00:24:54,407
Sorry, folks, the judges
are totally swamped.
593
00:24:54,420 --> 00:24:55,993
We are all done
taking auditions.
594
00:24:56,012 --> 00:24:57,212
- Oh, come on.
- Hey!
595
00:24:57,243 --> 00:24:58,918
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
596
00:24:58,937 --> 00:25:00,741
But thanks for coming out
and please be sure
597
00:25:00,759 --> 00:25:02,903
to watch America's Next
A Cappella Sensa--
598
00:25:02,922 --> 00:25:04,505
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't do that.
599
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:05,562
- Yeah--
- You can't do that.
600
00:25:05,593 --> 00:25:06,795
We've all been waiting!
Okay.
601
00:25:06,826 --> 00:25:08,543
I am going in there.
Don't--
602
00:25:08,578 --> 00:25:09,978
- No, you're not, sir.
- Don't--don't--
603
00:25:10,008 --> 00:25:11,091
- Please don't.
- Don't touch me.
604
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:13,338
I'm not touching you.
Okay.
605
00:25:13,366 --> 00:25:14,210
No!
606
00:25:14,247 --> 00:25:16,185
- Run, old man! Run!
- Ow.
607
00:25:16,210 --> 00:25:18,862
Run! Run for your life!
608
00:25:18,980 --> 00:25:21,235
Get off. Don't you dare.
Don't get--I could see it.
609
00:25:21,248 --> 00:25:22,713
You were gonna get handsy
with me.
610
00:25:22,741 --> 00:25:23,991
Not interested.
611
00:25:24,018 --> 00:25:25,570
I'm Casey Dean!
612
00:25:25,670 --> 00:25:27,287
You'll be seeing
the last of me!
613
00:25:27,324 --> 00:25:31,178
Or--I meant you won't
be seeing the last of me!
614
00:25:32,871 --> 00:25:34,353
Hey.
615
00:25:34,399 --> 00:25:36,475
Did you manage to feed him?
I don't know what it is.
616
00:25:36,487 --> 00:25:38,313
He just keeps
spitting out the nipple.
617
00:25:38,325 --> 00:25:40,712
That's because this baby
is of superior intelligence.
618
00:25:40,743 --> 00:25:42,868
He can tell when he's being
tricked out of the experience
619
00:25:42,893 --> 00:25:45,863
- of a real human breast.
- Come on.
620
00:25:45,887 --> 00:25:47,420
He's not that smart.
621
00:25:47,535 --> 00:25:50,755
He doesn't know
where I hid his duck.
622
00:25:55,599 --> 00:25:58,287
♪ I am beautiful
623
00:25:58,309 --> 00:26:01,821
♪ no matter what they say ♪
624
00:26:01,851 --> 00:26:06,181
♪ Yes, words
can't bring me down ♪
625
00:26:06,214 --> 00:26:07,172
[Thudding]
626
00:26:07,196 --> 00:26:09,259
- ♪ Whoa-oh-no
- Hi.
627
00:26:09,278 --> 00:26:12,284
- You're still here. Oh, thank God.
- ♪ I am beautiful
628
00:26:12,315 --> 00:26:14,298
Clay Aiken,
Santigold, Aaron Rodgers.
629
00:26:14,311 --> 00:26:16,487
You're, like, my three
favorite people ever.
630
00:26:16,525 --> 00:26:19,620
- Excuse me, what is this?
- Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay?
631
00:26:19,639 --> 00:26:21,555
You're obviously gonna
be on the show.
632
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:23,235
So it's someone else's
turn now.
633
00:26:23,259 --> 00:26:25,698
Yeah.
Go ahead, all right?
634
00:26:26,185 --> 00:26:27,641
Um...
[Clears throat]
635
00:26:27,765 --> 00:26:30,100
[Old man voice]
My name is Ezra Cornell
636
00:26:30,122 --> 00:26:34,003
and I'm just a kindly old fellow
with a song in my heart.
637
00:26:34,036 --> 00:26:37,672
No, you're a middle-aged man
with a lot of makeup on.
638
00:26:37,994 --> 00:26:39,497
Busted.
639
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,229
Got it.
Yes, all right.
640
00:26:41,241 --> 00:26:43,752
Tried to get your attention
with tricks, but
641
00:26:43,876 --> 00:26:45,552
you just want to hear me sing.
I respect that.
642
00:26:45,570 --> 00:26:48,368
[Laughs] We do not
want to hear you sing.
643
00:26:48,407 --> 00:26:50,308
Gabriella
was our last audition.
644
00:26:50,328 --> 00:26:53,122
- Thank you. Good-bye.
- Nope! Can't end like this.
645
00:26:53,627 --> 00:26:55,237
Slept in my car last night.
646
00:26:55,249 --> 00:26:57,443
Quit my job,
burned all my bridges.
647
00:26:57,530 --> 00:26:59,348
I went to the bathroom
on my boss's car.
648
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:01,814
And I did unspeakable things
with Carla Fern.
649
00:27:01,845 --> 00:27:05,059
- Ugh, flag on the play.
- That's--that's what--Yeah.
650
00:27:05,090 --> 00:27:06,605
Okay, all right,
well, here's the song.
651
00:27:06,609 --> 00:27:07,473
[Clears throat]
652
00:27:07,504 --> 00:27:11,644
♪ Far above Cayuga's waters
653
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:15,586
♪ with her waves so blue
654
00:27:15,610 --> 00:27:19,558
♪ stands our noble Alma Mater ♪
655
00:27:19,583 --> 00:27:21,421
What is this song?
656
00:27:21,446 --> 00:27:24,278
Are you insane?
It's the Cornell fight song.
657
00:27:24,442 --> 00:27:27,325
Listen, all right, thank you very much.
We're not interested.
658
00:27:27,344 --> 00:27:29,092
You didn't let me finish.
That's not fair.
659
00:27:29,111 --> 00:27:31,176
Look, man, you're not terrible
but we've heard a lot
660
00:27:31,188 --> 00:27:34,063
of really good singers today,
and you're just not good enough.
661
00:27:34,173 --> 00:27:35,993
Wow, you guys are really mean.
662
00:27:36,005 --> 00:27:36,756
[Chuckles]
663
00:27:36,793 --> 00:27:38,189
I guess that's the show.
664
00:27:38,214 --> 00:27:40,577
- Let me try a different song, okay?
- Can he do this?
665
00:27:40,601 --> 00:27:44,469
♪ Hey, hobo man,
hey, Dapper Dan ♪
666
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,148
♪ You both got your style
667
00:27:46,173 --> 00:27:49,336
♪ but, brother,
you're never fully dressed ♪
668
00:27:49,449 --> 00:27:53,085
♪ Without a smile
669
00:27:53,133 --> 00:27:54,349
Yeah.
[Sniffles]
670
00:27:54,377 --> 00:27:58,173
♪ Your clothes
may be Beau Brummelly ♪
671
00:27:58,242 --> 00:27:59,982
Look, you gotta go.
672
00:28:00,007 --> 00:28:02,366
[Sobbing]
673
00:28:05,078 --> 00:28:06,829
You can't
just sit here and cry.
674
00:28:06,857 --> 00:28:10,326
Oh, I can so
just sit here and cry!
675
00:28:10,528 --> 00:28:11,947
[Sobbing]
676
00:28:22,711 --> 00:28:24,711
Thank you.
677
00:28:26,700 --> 00:28:28,693
Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy?
678
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:30,226
Can't hear you.
679
00:28:30,365 --> 00:28:33,350
I'm giving you
the silence treatment.
680
00:28:33,679 --> 00:28:36,281
How does it feel being ignored?
681
00:28:37,289 --> 00:28:40,331
Okay, I guess, it's just
that Phillip got you something.
682
00:28:40,437 --> 00:28:43,053
Yeah, a $25 gift card.
683
00:28:43,078 --> 00:28:46,190
- iTunes.
- I think there's, like, $7 left.
684
00:28:46,271 --> 00:28:47,552
It's just his way of saying;
685
00:28:47,570 --> 00:28:50,518
"Thanks for letting me
hang out in accounting."
686
00:28:50,548 --> 00:28:53,621
- Phillip got this for me?
- Sure.
687
00:28:54,470 --> 00:28:56,638
That was a really cool move.
688
00:28:56,808 --> 00:28:59,283
Would you like to hold Phillip?
689
00:29:00,490 --> 00:29:01,803
Yeah.
690
00:29:01,814 --> 00:29:03,947
That's Kevin.
691
00:29:03,980 --> 00:29:05,784
- Whoa.
- Easy.
692
00:29:05,803 --> 00:29:08,586
What a chubbers.
[Chuckles]
693
00:29:09,148 --> 00:29:10,486
- Whoa.
- Okay. Okay.
694
00:29:10,503 --> 00:29:13,409
- I'm losing my balance. Whoa.
- Now, Kevin--No. - Hey, no.
695
00:29:13,422 --> 00:29:14,728
- No horseplay.
- Stop it.
696
00:29:14,747 --> 00:29:16,220
You want to play
with the cactus?
697
00:29:16,244 --> 00:29:17,683
- No.
- No, no.
698
00:29:17,694 --> 00:29:20,267
So, me and Phillip
were just talking
699
00:29:20,291 --> 00:29:24,564
and we decided we're
gonna be best friends.
700
00:29:24,839 --> 00:29:27,110
He's a little
standoffish at first.
701
00:29:27,151 --> 00:29:29,202
But once he starts
buying you things,
702
00:29:29,274 --> 00:29:32,276
man, you can tell he likes you.
703
00:29:36,116 --> 00:29:38,248
We have our decision.
704
00:29:38,631 --> 00:29:40,462
You chose one thing.
705
00:29:40,941 --> 00:29:43,063
We want to dance with you.
706
00:29:43,460 --> 00:29:47,393
- You want to dance?
- One dance. All of us together.
707
00:29:48,830 --> 00:29:50,168
This is what you want?
708
00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:51,817
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
709
00:29:53,715 --> 00:29:56,306
Better get some decent
speakers up here then,
710
00:29:56,535 --> 00:29:57,841
'cause we're gonna
do this right.
711
00:29:57,856 --> 00:29:59,334
- Yes!
- [Laughs]
712
00:29:59,370 --> 00:30:01,225
Yeah!
713
00:30:02,023 --> 00:30:03,890
- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
714
00:30:04,091 --> 00:30:05,972
Hey. You wanted
to see me?
715
00:30:06,023 --> 00:30:08,074
Door. Chair.
716
00:30:10,277 --> 00:30:12,721
- It's about Phillip.
- I'm sorry he's here today.
717
00:30:12,733 --> 00:30:14,258
- But I had--
- I believe
718
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,333
that that boy may be a Schrute.
719
00:30:17,645 --> 00:30:19,158
And if he is,
720
00:30:19,176 --> 00:30:22,135
that child needs to be
accorded what is his.
721
00:30:22,147 --> 00:30:25,094
An enormous farm,
an inheritance,
722
00:30:25,117 --> 00:30:29,134
and the right to be raised under
rigorous Schrute traditions.
723
00:30:29,606 --> 00:30:31,312
You will, of course,
724
00:30:31,335 --> 00:30:34,495
be compensated with a
marriage proposal.
725
00:30:36,558 --> 00:30:38,133
How thoughtful.
726
00:30:38,157 --> 00:30:41,673
Then the two of you would move to my
1,600-acre estate, which, let's face it,
727
00:30:41,691 --> 00:30:44,666
is a big step up from living
in a gay man's closet.
728
00:30:45,362 --> 00:30:48,268
If he is your son,
729
00:30:49,186 --> 00:30:51,357
that's a great plan.
730
00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:54,007
But he's not.
731
00:30:54,130 --> 00:30:56,399
He's not your son.
732
00:30:57,865 --> 00:30:59,817
Very well.
733
00:31:00,331 --> 00:31:03,380
- Can I go back to my desk now?
- Yes.
734
00:31:15,249 --> 00:31:16,683
What's this?
735
00:31:16,698 --> 00:31:19,804
Well, I've been trying to
tell you how I feel, and
736
00:31:20,001 --> 00:31:22,988
you wouldn't believe me, so...
737
00:31:23,857 --> 00:31:25,901
I needed a little help.
738
00:31:26,071 --> 00:31:28,940
Jim, I need my assistant to
the regional manager, code red.
739
00:31:28,952 --> 00:31:32,208
Okay, I don't have my pocket code
chart on me right now, so...
740
00:31:32,249 --> 00:31:34,424
Now.
741
00:31:35,079 --> 00:31:37,648
I have an assistant now who can
help you with whatever you need.
742
00:31:37,672 --> 00:31:39,298
He is lazy, so crack the whip.
743
00:31:39,344 --> 00:31:41,400
Jim, I'm not kidding.
744
00:31:41,449 --> 00:31:43,449
I need you.
745
00:31:46,708 --> 00:31:48,176
Go ahead.
746
00:31:48,299 --> 00:31:50,205
Okay, um,
747
00:31:50,567 --> 00:31:52,314
this is--
748
00:31:52,332 --> 00:31:54,798
I'll be right back.
749
00:31:58,544 --> 00:31:59,801
What do we got?
750
00:31:59,813 --> 00:32:02,451
I was thinking of proposing
to Esther today.
751
00:32:02,517 --> 00:32:05,531
Wow! Congratulations.
That's a really big step, man.
752
00:32:05,549 --> 00:32:07,301
She's got a ton
of great qualities.
753
00:32:07,319 --> 00:32:11,507
She's young, she's beautiful. Genes
so pure you could lick them.
754
00:32:11,889 --> 00:32:14,765
Her family admires me.
My family tolerates hers.
755
00:32:14,795 --> 00:32:17,198
A lot of them are the same people
because we're third cousins,
756
00:32:17,216 --> 00:32:20,270
which is great for bloodlines,
and isn't technically incest.
757
00:32:20,307 --> 00:32:22,657
Right in the sweet spot. I think
you're gonna be really happy.
758
00:32:22,669 --> 00:32:25,629
Plus her dowry contains
a walk-in freezer
759
00:32:25,647 --> 00:32:28,635
- full of frozen, premium cattle sperm.
- [Whistles]
760
00:32:28,653 --> 00:32:31,196
- That's a lot of pros.
- And did I mention that she weaves?
761
00:32:31,208 --> 00:32:34,274
Colorful, durable blankets and rugs.
It all adds up.
762
00:32:34,298 --> 00:32:36,349
So what is the problem?
763
00:32:40,224 --> 00:32:42,276
[Whispers] Angela.
764
00:33:07,386 --> 00:33:10,988
I don't know what
you want me to tell you, man.
765
00:33:11,871 --> 00:33:13,993
All I know is that
766
00:33:14,142 --> 00:33:17,343
every time I've been faced
with a tough decision,
767
00:33:18,131 --> 00:33:22,802
there's only one thing that
outweighs every other concern.
768
00:33:22,897 --> 00:33:27,260
One thing that will make you give up
on everything you thought you knew.
769
00:33:27,884 --> 00:33:30,257
Every instinct,
770
00:33:30,557 --> 00:33:33,290
every rational calculation.
771
00:33:33,577 --> 00:33:35,494
Some sort of virus?
772
00:33:35,857 --> 00:33:37,645
Love.
773
00:33:38,032 --> 00:33:39,876
Oh.
774
00:33:41,161 --> 00:33:43,161
_
775
00:33:44,162 --> 00:33:47,741
_
776
00:33:47,784 --> 00:33:50,077
_
777
00:33:50,152 --> 00:33:53,120
[Snow patrol's open your eyes]
778
00:33:53,155 --> 00:33:55,391
♪
779
00:33:58,622 --> 00:34:03,566
♪ The anger swells in my guts ♪
780
00:34:03,585 --> 00:34:09,823
♪ And I won't feel
these slices and cuts ♪
781
00:34:09,900 --> 00:34:12,103
♪
782
00:34:12,379 --> 00:34:18,351
♪ I want so much
to open your eyes ♪
783
00:34:18,376 --> 00:34:20,448
♪ 'Cause I need you
784
00:34:20,466 --> 00:34:24,264
♪ to look into mine
785
00:34:24,486 --> 00:34:27,553
♪
786
00:34:27,747 --> 00:34:33,274
♪ Tell me that
you'll open your eyes ♪
787
00:34:33,359 --> 00:34:35,077
♪
788
00:34:35,091 --> 00:34:39,159
♪ Tell me that
you'll open your eyes ♪
789
00:34:39,170 --> 00:34:41,236
I'm in love with you.
790
00:34:41,257 --> 00:34:42,434
What?
791
00:34:42,458 --> 00:34:47,982
♪ Tell me that you'll
open your eyes ♪
792
00:34:48,016 --> 00:34:49,665
♪
793
00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:54,813
♪ Tell me that you'll open
your eyes ♪
794
00:34:54,850 --> 00:34:56,369
♪
795
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:57,763
♪ Get up, get out
796
00:34:57,794 --> 00:35:01,499
Dwight, listen,
no matter what happens,
797
00:35:02,228 --> 00:35:04,672
you got to forget
about all the other stuff.
798
00:35:04,690 --> 00:35:07,008
You gotta forget about logic
799
00:35:07,145 --> 00:35:09,697
and fear and doubt.
800
00:35:09,857 --> 00:35:13,059
You just gotta do
everything you can
801
00:35:13,173 --> 00:35:16,693
to get to the one woman who's
gonna make all this worth it.
802
00:35:16,907 --> 00:35:19,267
At the end of the day,
803
00:35:19,804 --> 00:35:22,302
you gotta jump.
804
00:35:25,152 --> 00:35:27,967
You love Angela, Dwight.
805
00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:32,096
I think you always have.
806
00:35:35,502 --> 00:35:37,753
You're a good assistant, Jim.
807
00:35:37,976 --> 00:35:40,153
Not as good as you.
808
00:35:40,973 --> 00:35:43,302
That's very true.
809
00:35:44,533 --> 00:35:46,936
- Get the hell out of here.
- You got it.
810
00:35:47,516 --> 00:35:51,602
I was just, um,
checking out my present.
811
00:35:51,731 --> 00:35:55,518
This is an amazing gift because
it comes with bonus gifts.
812
00:35:56,260 --> 00:35:58,438
Look inside.
813
00:36:02,488 --> 00:36:05,145
Oh, my God!
814
00:36:05,488 --> 00:36:07,564
- The yearbook picture!
- Yes.
815
00:36:07,595 --> 00:36:09,963
That's incredible. Is
this the boggle timer?
816
00:36:09,975 --> 00:36:11,448
I didn't think you were
gonna get that one.
817
00:36:11,468 --> 00:36:13,002
- I really didn't.
- Oh, no!
818
00:36:13,015 --> 00:36:16,296
This is, like, the best
present ever. Okay, wait.
819
00:36:16,495 --> 00:36:17,740
What is this?
820
00:36:17,777 --> 00:36:20,035
A mini golf pencil
that you threw at me.
821
00:36:20,130 --> 00:36:23,303
Like, three years ago.
You saved this?
822
00:36:23,333 --> 00:36:28,923
- Yes, I did. - Oh, my God.
♪ And I won't waste a minute without you ♪
823
00:36:32,414 --> 00:36:33,333
[Sniffles]
824
00:36:33,357 --> 00:36:35,028
You watched it.
825
00:36:35,364 --> 00:36:36,852
Yeah.
826
00:36:36,871 --> 00:36:40,006
Well, then I guess
you're ready for this.
827
00:36:41,269 --> 00:36:44,441
- What's that?
- It's from the teapot.
828
00:36:45,918 --> 00:36:48,485
Everything you'll ever
need to know
829
00:36:48,655 --> 00:36:50,739
is in that note.
830
00:37:05,724 --> 00:37:07,791
Not "enough" for me?
831
00:37:07,897 --> 00:37:09,410
You are
832
00:37:09,428 --> 00:37:11,428
everything.
833
00:37:17,034 --> 00:37:18,954
Thank you.
834
00:37:21,596 --> 00:37:25,248
- Okay. Ready everybody?
- Hit it, red!
835
00:37:26,222 --> 00:37:29,174
[Boogie Wonderland
by Earth, Wind & Fire]
836
00:37:29,225 --> 00:37:37,225
♪
837
00:37:42,883 --> 00:37:44,975
♪ Dance
838
00:37:45,754 --> 00:37:48,882
♪ boogie wonderland
839
00:37:50,398 --> 00:37:53,112
♪ Dance
840
00:37:53,159 --> 00:37:57,621
♪ boogie wonderland
841
00:37:57,658 --> 00:38:00,292
♪ midnight creeps so slowly ♪
842
00:38:00,314 --> 00:38:01,646
♪ Into hearts
843
00:38:01,664 --> 00:38:05,088
♪ of men who need more
than they get ♪
844
00:38:05,107 --> 00:38:07,646
♪ Daylight deals a bad hand ♪
845
00:38:07,664 --> 00:38:09,427
♪ To a woman
846
00:38:09,457 --> 00:38:12,364
♪ who has made too many bets ♪
847
00:38:12,620 --> 00:38:16,240
♪ The mirror stares you
in the face ♪
848
00:38:16,264 --> 00:38:19,889
♪ And says, baby, uh-uh,
it don't work ♪
849
00:38:19,901 --> 00:38:21,744
♪ You say your prayers
850
00:38:21,750 --> 00:38:23,518
♪ though you don't care
851
00:38:23,530 --> 00:38:26,902
♪ You dance
and shake the hurt ♪
852
00:38:26,951 --> 00:38:29,193
♪ Dance
853
00:38:29,581 --> 00:38:33,334
♪ boogie wonderland
854
00:38:34,242 --> 00:38:35,932
♪ Dance
855
00:38:35,969 --> 00:38:37,013
♪ Dance
856
00:38:37,036 --> 00:38:41,720
♪ boogie wonderland
857
00:38:42,202 --> 00:38:45,100
I wanted to leave quietly.
It seemed dignified.
858
00:38:45,460 --> 00:38:47,270
But having Kevin
grind up on my front
859
00:38:47,288 --> 00:38:49,823
while Erin pretends
to hump me from behind
860
00:38:49,870 --> 00:38:52,405
is a more accurate tribute
to my years here.
861
00:38:52,910 --> 00:38:54,010
[Exhales]
862
00:38:54,046 --> 00:38:56,098
I'm gonna miss these guys.
863
00:38:56,296 --> 00:38:57,696
Okay, I've got my--
864
00:38:57,718 --> 00:39:00,399
- See you guys at Poor Richard's, all right?
- All right, Meredith. - Okay, bye.
865
00:39:00,411 --> 00:39:01,955
- See you there. Listen, I--
- Bye, Phillip.
866
00:39:01,974 --> 00:39:03,643
High five.
867
00:39:04,404 --> 00:39:06,137
Yay!
868
00:39:06,274 --> 00:39:08,225
I am gonna drop Phillip off
at my mother's,
869
00:39:08,237 --> 00:39:10,031
and I'll meet you at
poor Richard's in an hour.
870
00:39:10,044 --> 00:39:11,920
Are you sure you don't
want me to drop him off?
871
00:39:11,939 --> 00:39:13,726
She doesn't know I'm living
with a straight woman.
872
00:39:13,747 --> 00:39:15,164
I don't want to
get her hopes up.
873
00:39:15,198 --> 00:39:18,411
All right. Bye, buddy.
Bye, bye, bye.
874
00:39:18,571 --> 00:39:19,905
Oh, my goodness.
875
00:39:20,146 --> 00:39:21,489
[Sighs]
876
00:39:27,076 --> 00:39:28,746
Pull over!
877
00:39:28,770 --> 00:39:30,021
Dwight?
878
00:39:30,085 --> 00:39:32,177
Move to the side of the road!
879
00:39:32,208 --> 00:39:34,750
- Why?
- Pull over!
880
00:39:35,043 --> 00:39:37,193
What do you--Dwight!
[Tires squeal]
881
00:39:37,210 --> 00:39:38,878
[Brakes screech]
882
00:39:40,072 --> 00:39:42,935
Dwight, what the fuck
is your problem?
883
00:39:42,941 --> 00:39:44,315
- Shut up, woman!
- Who drives like that?
884
00:39:44,328 --> 00:39:46,406
Listen to me!
I love you!
885
00:39:46,500 --> 00:39:48,691
And I don't care
that Phillip's not my son!
886
00:39:48,721 --> 00:39:52,254
I will raise 100 children
with 100 of your lovers
887
00:39:52,266 --> 00:39:54,488
if it means I can be with you!
888
00:39:55,712 --> 00:39:57,216
Can you put that down?
889
00:39:57,228 --> 00:40:00,643
This expresses how loudly
I love you!
890
00:40:00,675 --> 00:40:02,459
[Whispers] It's too loud.
891
00:40:07,967 --> 00:40:09,718
This is a ring
892
00:40:09,915 --> 00:40:12,370
taken from the buttocks
of my grandmother,
893
00:40:12,458 --> 00:40:16,177
put there by the Gangster
Patriarch of the Coors Dynasty,
894
00:40:16,438 --> 00:40:19,045
melted in a foundry
run by mennonites.
895
00:40:19,070 --> 00:40:22,506
Okay. Yes.
Yes, I will!
896
00:40:25,028 --> 00:40:25,966
[Gasps]
897
00:40:25,997 --> 00:40:28,641
- I love you.
- I love you!
898
00:40:28,666 --> 00:40:30,189
[Panting]
899
00:40:30,364 --> 00:40:32,761
- And I lied to you.
- What?
900
00:40:33,326 --> 00:40:34,838
Phillip's your son.
901
00:40:34,850 --> 00:40:36,137
What?
Why would you say that--
902
00:40:36,156 --> 00:40:38,795
I just needed you
to want to marry me
903
00:40:38,845 --> 00:40:41,830
because you wanted to marry me.
904
00:40:42,798 --> 00:40:44,763
Get out!
905
00:40:44,928 --> 00:40:46,842
I'm a dad!
You're a dad!
906
00:40:46,927 --> 00:40:49,178
[Laughs]
907
00:40:51,928 --> 00:40:53,762
[Overlapping chatter]
908
00:40:54,209 --> 00:40:55,647
Hey, grab a seat.
909
00:40:55,665 --> 00:40:57,367
We have that table
and that table,
910
00:40:57,388 --> 00:41:00,390
but not that table
or that table or that table.
911
00:41:00,448 --> 00:41:03,806
Floor's up for grabs. Meredith
has been hogging the can.
912
00:41:05,204 --> 00:41:07,294
[Kiss]
Oh!
913
00:41:09,028 --> 00:41:10,527
You have to change
the channel to PBS.
914
00:41:10,533 --> 00:41:12,177
- Yeah.
- College baseball is on.
915
00:41:12,208 --> 00:41:14,797
But there's a documentary coming up.
Everyone in the bar will love it.
916
00:41:14,803 --> 00:41:16,390
- What's it about?
- A paper company.
917
00:41:16,417 --> 00:41:17,797
[Laughs]
918
00:41:18,425 --> 00:41:19,931
How many people want the game?
919
00:41:19,956 --> 00:41:22,057
- Yeah!
- Yes!
920
00:41:22,242 --> 00:41:23,407
Who wants PBS?
921
00:41:23,428 --> 00:41:25,763
- Whoo!
- Yes!
922
00:41:25,943 --> 00:41:28,343
Sorry. A tie means
I do nothing.
923
00:41:28,348 --> 00:41:29,795
Sir, please.
924
00:41:29,830 --> 00:41:31,774
This show is about me
925
00:41:31,796 --> 00:41:36,202
and my attempts to find love
in all the wrong places.
926
00:41:36,897 --> 00:41:38,598
- One more for the doc.
- Hey!
927
00:41:38,610 --> 00:41:39,991
[Applause]
928
00:41:40,034 --> 00:41:41,505
[Overlapping chatter]
929
00:41:41,530 --> 00:41:43,114
- Yay, Andy!
- - All right.
930
00:41:43,133 --> 00:41:44,834
Yes!
931
00:41:45,311 --> 00:41:46,801
Hey, how was
the singing show audition?
932
00:41:46,828 --> 00:41:49,472
Oh. Eh, whatever.
933
00:41:49,521 --> 00:41:51,401
No big deal.
934
00:41:51,563 --> 00:41:55,075
Okay.
30 seconds to show time.
935
00:41:56,182 --> 00:41:57,708
I feel scared a little.
936
00:41:57,720 --> 00:41:59,197
Yeah, I'm not ready for this.
937
00:41:59,216 --> 00:42:01,585
No one is ready for this.
You can't be ready for this.
938
00:42:01,597 --> 00:42:03,141
We don't even know
what this is.
939
00:42:03,186 --> 00:42:06,485
One thing we do know.
Nothing will ever be the same.
940
00:42:07,124 --> 00:42:08,773
Here we go.
941
00:42:08,821 --> 00:42:10,571
[Upbeat music]
942
00:42:11,650 --> 00:42:14,603
All right, Jim, your
quarterlies look very good.
943
00:42:14,627 --> 00:42:16,216
How are things going
at the library?
944
00:42:16,243 --> 00:42:18,228
Oh, I told you.
I couldn't close it, so--
945
00:42:18,252 --> 00:42:21,635
So, you've come to the
master for guidance?
946
00:42:21,873 --> 00:42:23,554
Is this what you're saying,
grasshopper?
947
00:42:23,579 --> 00:42:25,849
Uh, actually,
you called me in here.
948
00:42:25,897 --> 00:42:28,755
All right. Well, let me
show you how it's done.
949
00:42:28,908 --> 00:42:33,908
Sync and corrections by Norther
www.addic7ed.com