1
00:00:06,130 --> 00:00:07,882
So, do you
want to see it or not?

2
00:00:07,965 --> 00:00:11,302
I don't know. They're,
like, Friday night crowds...

3
00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:13,763
Oh, my God.
You're, like, agoraphobic.

4
00:00:13,846 --> 00:00:15,223
Agoraphobic?
Yeah.

5
00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:16,682
Really.
Yeah.

6
00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:19,769
You would rather sit on your
couch and watch a Phillies game

7
00:00:19,852 --> 00:00:22,063
than go out to a movie
with your awesome girlfriend.

8
00:00:22,146 --> 00:00:23,898
Absolutely correct.
Later, Jim.

9
00:00:23,981 --> 00:00:25,566
Kev, have a good weekend.
Yeah, sure.

10
00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:26,651
Bye.

11
00:00:26,734 --> 00:00:27,944
Okay, so this is
what's gonna happen.

12
00:00:28,027 --> 00:00:29,946
You're going to suck it up.
Here we go.

13
00:00:30,029 --> 00:00:31,405
And we're gonna go to dinner.
Okay.

14
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:33,157
And then we're gonna go
to the movies. Sounds good.

15
00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:34,534
Hey, Halpert.

16
00:00:36,035 --> 00:00:37,245
Hey.

17
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,000
Roy! Roy!

18
00:00:44,168 --> 00:00:45,753
God!

19
00:00:52,134 --> 00:00:54,554
Pam, please call security.

20
00:00:55,179 --> 00:00:57,223
Every day for eight years,

21
00:00:57,306 --> 00:00:59,016
I have brought pepper
spray into this office

22
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:01,852
to protect myself
and my fellow employees.

23
00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:04,188
And every day,
for eight years,

24
00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:05,773
people have laughed at me.

25
00:01:05,856 --> 00:01:08,234
Well, who's laughing now?

26
00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:47,273
No need for consternation.
Everything is under control.

27
00:01:47,356 --> 00:01:49,233
Michael, last Friday,
one of your employees

28
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:51,319
attacked another
employee in your office.

29
00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:53,446
It was a crime
of passion, Jan.

30
00:01:53,529 --> 00:01:55,531
Not a disgruntled employee.

31
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:57,825
Everyone here is
extremely gruntled.

32
00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:00,202
Is Toby there?

33
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:01,287
No.

34
00:02:01,370 --> 00:02:02,496
I'm here, Jan.

35
00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,582
What is the situation, Toby?

36
00:02:04,665 --> 00:02:06,917
Well,
we fired Roy, obviously.

37
00:02:07,209 --> 00:02:10,212
And Jim won't press charges
against Roy or the company.

38
00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:11,714
Thank God.
Yeah.

39
00:02:11,797 --> 00:02:13,924
But now, apparently, Darryl
has some issue with this...

40
00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:17,261
No, he has been wanting a
raise for a couple of months,

41
00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:20,097
and he's just using
this Roy thing as leverage.

42
00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:21,682
Well, are you gonna
take care of this?

43
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:22,933
Yeppers.

44
00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:25,227
What did I tell
you about "yeppers"?

45
00:02:26,937 --> 00:02:28,481
I don't remember.

46
00:02:28,564 --> 00:02:30,983
I told you not to say it.
Do you remember that?

47
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:32,526
Yesh.

48
00:02:36,113 --> 00:02:38,366
I really don't
want to talk about it.

49
00:02:38,949 --> 00:02:40,493
I don't mean to be rude.

50
00:02:40,576 --> 00:02:43,871
But I just, I don't want
to comment on what happened.

51
00:02:46,415 --> 00:02:47,541
It sucked.

52
00:02:52,129 --> 00:02:55,174
I guess all
things considered,

53
00:02:56,258 --> 00:02:58,135
I was lucky
Dwight was there.

54
00:02:58,969 --> 00:03:01,972
And Roy was lucky that
Dwight only used pepper spray,

55
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,600
and not the nunchakus
or the throwing stars.

56
00:03:09,730 --> 00:03:15,194
Hey, man, I never got a chance
to thank you for stopping Roy.

57
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:17,822
Thank you.

58
00:03:17,905 --> 00:03:19,990
"Thank you" not necessary
and thus not accepted.

59
00:03:20,074 --> 00:03:22,827
I saw someone breaking
the law and I interceded.

60
00:03:23,994 --> 00:03:25,037
Okay.

61
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:29,041
Got you something.

62
00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:30,376
Don't want it.

63
00:03:30,584 --> 00:03:31,919
You don't know what it is.

64
00:03:32,002 --> 00:03:34,213
Don't want it, won't open it,
don't need it, won't take it.

65
00:03:34,296 --> 00:03:37,091
Citizens do not accept prizes
for being citizens.

66
00:03:42,304 --> 00:03:45,933
It was a little glass display
case for his bobblehead.

67
00:03:47,017 --> 00:03:49,145
That would have made
his evening, I think.

68
00:03:49,228 --> 00:03:52,106
He saves my life, I get
him a box for his desk toy.

69
00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:54,650
Even-Steven.

70
00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:56,777
No, don't call me a hero.

71
00:03:56,944 --> 00:03:58,988
Do you know who
the real heroes are?

72
00:03:59,071 --> 00:04:01,115
The guys who wake
up every morning

73
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,367
and go into
their normal jobs,

74
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:05,411
and get a distress call
from the Commissioner

75
00:04:05,494 --> 00:04:07,621
and take off their glasses
and change into capes

76
00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:09,749
and fly around fighting crime.

77
00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,542
Those are the real heroes.

78
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:13,836
Angela, Roy's check.

79
00:04:13,919 --> 00:04:15,880
He's coming in
later to pick it up.

80
00:04:15,963 --> 00:04:19,049
Man, I cannot believe
I missed the fight.

81
00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:20,551
It was crazy.
Man.

82
00:04:20,634 --> 00:04:22,261
You saw it?

83
00:04:22,928 --> 00:04:24,430
Describe it, please.

84
00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:27,683
Well...

85
00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:32,021
I heard some shouting, and I
look over and Roy's by reception,

86
00:04:32,104 --> 00:04:34,440
and you could just tell
he's gonna punch somebody.

87
00:04:34,523 --> 00:04:38,569
Jim says something, Roy stops
over there, all of a sudden, bam,

88
00:04:38,652 --> 00:04:41,572
Roy goes down and Dwight's
standing there like an action hero.

89
00:04:41,655 --> 00:04:42,865
Oh.

90
00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:44,575
It was insane.

91
00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:49,789
Well, good for Dwight.

92
00:04:50,873 --> 00:04:53,542
Okay, I want you to be
Darryl and ask me for a raise

93
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:56,754
because I need to try out some
of these negotiation tactics on you.

94
00:04:56,837 --> 00:04:57,922
Where'd you get that?

95
00:04:58,005 --> 00:04:59,048
Wikipedia.

96
00:04:59,131 --> 00:05:01,634
Wikipedia is
the best thing ever.

97
00:05:02,718 --> 00:05:07,139
Anyone in the world can write
anything they want about any subject,

98
00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:11,435
so you know you are getting
the best possible information.

99
00:05:12,144 --> 00:05:14,313
Okay, Darryl,
ask me for a raise.

100
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,857
Hey, Mike, since Roy
left I've been doing

101
00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:18,818
a lot more work
and I need a raise.

102
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,820
Well,
that's interesting, Darryl.

103
00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:24,573
I think that
maybe you should...

104
00:05:31,747 --> 00:05:32,915
Can't hear you.

105
00:05:32,998 --> 00:05:35,251
What I'm saying is that...

106
00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:40,840
Still nothing.

107
00:05:41,006 --> 00:05:42,383
Okay. See what I did?

108
00:05:42,466 --> 00:05:43,467
No.

109
00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:46,637
By leaning back
and by whispering,

110
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,640
I established
a dominant physical position.

111
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:51,684
Nice.

112
00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:53,102
Okay, let's try another one.

113
00:05:53,185 --> 00:05:54,436
Okay.

114
00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:56,814
Walking out of
the room unexpectedly.

115
00:05:56,897 --> 00:05:58,482
And what happens in this one?

116
00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:00,526
That's a surprise.
Okay.

117
00:06:00,734 --> 00:06:02,361
Go ahead,
ask me for a raise.

118
00:06:02,444 --> 00:06:03,988
Can I have a raise?

119
00:06:07,616 --> 00:06:09,618
Sex. Steve Martin. Teri Hatcher.

120
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:11,370
What?
What?

121
00:06:12,037 --> 00:06:13,664
Well, what did you say?

122
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,667
I didn't say anything. I was
waiting to see what would happen.

123
00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:17,835
No, it's...

124
00:06:18,085 --> 00:06:21,922
It sounded interesting,
what you were gonna...

125
00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:25,467
I saw the perpetrator advance
towards the victim at a high rate of speed.

126
00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:27,970
His head was thrown back,
his shoulder and arm cocked,

127
00:06:28,053 --> 00:06:29,930
indicating an attack position.

128
00:06:30,014 --> 00:06:31,765
Perp grabbed the victim.

129
00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:35,603
I removed my weapon
from its secure hiding place.

130
00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:36,770
Which is where?

131
00:06:36,854 --> 00:06:37,855
Irrelevant.

132
00:06:37,938 --> 00:06:40,858
Discharged it at a distance
of a little over a meter

133
00:06:40,941 --> 00:06:45,237
into the perpetrator's
eyes, nose and face area,

134
00:06:45,404 --> 00:06:49,617
rendering him utterly
and completely disabled.

135
00:06:50,242 --> 00:06:52,369
Then I contacted
the authorities.

136
00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:55,039
The end.

137
00:06:56,415 --> 00:06:57,958
Thanks, Dwight.

138
00:06:59,126 --> 00:07:01,086
That is the bravest
thing I have ever heard.

139
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:03,255
I can't imagine
what I would have done.

140
00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:04,548
I can.

141
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,592
You would have left
me to fend for myself.

142
00:07:06,675 --> 00:07:08,218
Like the time we were
on the Ferris wheel,

143
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,179
and that kid dropped a milkshake
on me and you just laughed.

144
00:07:10,262 --> 00:07:11,430
Well, that was funny.
That's why.

145
00:07:11,513 --> 00:07:12,598
Oh, it was?

146
00:07:12,681 --> 00:07:15,184
Okay, well, the next time that you
get scared that you think a murderer

147
00:07:15,267 --> 00:07:16,310
is in your apartment
in the middle of the night,

148
00:07:16,393 --> 00:07:17,394
and you call me
to calm you down...

149
00:07:17,478 --> 00:07:18,479
Okay, you know what, I...

150
00:07:18,562 --> 00:07:19,855
Could you stop? ...you
can just call somebody else

151
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:21,565
because I'm not going to
do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not.

152
00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:23,025
Well, don't talk to me
about calling...

153
00:07:23,108 --> 00:07:24,443
There's a bunch
of people back here.

154
00:07:24,526 --> 00:07:25,986
I call you in the middle
of the night... Guys.

155
00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:27,321
...to tell you
that I love you.

156
00:07:27,404 --> 00:07:33,369
I don't think Michael intended to punish
me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly.

157
00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:35,537
But if he did
intend that...

158
00:07:36,538 --> 00:07:37,581
Wow.

159
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:40,000
Genius.

160
00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:41,335
Yeah?

161
00:07:41,418 --> 00:07:42,586
You ready for me?

162
00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:45,881
Yes, yeah.
Absolutely. Have a seat.

163
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:49,426
You know what, actually, let's
go into the conference room.

164
00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:50,511
Okay.

165
00:07:50,594 --> 00:07:52,638
No, you know what,
let's stay here.

166
00:07:53,889 --> 00:07:55,099
Let's go.

167
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,394
Yeah, let's go to
the conference room.

168
00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:02,439
Tactic number six.

169
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:05,776
Change the location of the
meeting at the last second.

170
00:08:05,859 --> 00:08:07,653
Totally throws them off.

171
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:21,166
Number 14,
declining to speak first.

172
00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:24,920
Makes them feel
uncomfortable, puts you in control.

173
00:08:43,814 --> 00:08:46,066
I am declining
to speak first.

174
00:08:46,734 --> 00:08:50,070
Okay, I'll start.
It's pretty simple, really.

175
00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:52,406
I think I deserve a raise.

176
00:08:52,531 --> 00:08:54,450
I'm scheduled to
get one in six months,

177
00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:56,535
but I'd like that
to be moved up to now.

178
00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:03,751
Darryl, you are

179
00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:07,129
a good worker and a good man.

180
00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:10,966
I just...
You know, times are tight,

181
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,553
and I just don't
think corporate's

182
00:09:14,636 --> 00:09:16,388
going to go for
this right now.

183
00:09:16,972 --> 00:09:18,891
Are you wearing lady clothes?

184
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,642
What?

185
00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:24,605
Are you wearing lady clothes?
Those look like lady pants.

186
00:09:25,647 --> 00:09:27,900
No. This is a power suit.

187
00:09:27,983 --> 00:09:29,568
That there is
a woman's suit.

188
00:09:29,651 --> 00:09:33,113
I do not buy
women's clothes.

189
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,115
Do not make
that mistake again.

190
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:36,450
I'm going to call Roy,
man.

191
00:09:36,533 --> 00:09:37,951
Okay. All right.

192
00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,328
This is going to
make him feel better.

193
00:09:39,411 --> 00:09:40,788
This is too good.
All right.

194
00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:43,624
You know what,
Pam, would you please

195
00:09:43,707 --> 00:09:45,959
tell Darryl that this
is not a woman's suit?

196
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:48,337
Oh, my God.
That's a woman's suit.

197
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:50,255
You're wearing
a woman's suit?

198
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:52,883
I do...
I wear men's suits. Okay?

199
00:09:52,966 --> 00:09:54,384
I got this out of a bin.

200
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:56,053
There were these
huge bins of clothes,

201
00:09:56,136 --> 00:09:58,555
and everybody was riffling
through them like crazy.

202
00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,599
And I grabbed one.

203
00:10:01,975 --> 00:10:03,102
And it fit.

204
00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:07,689
So I don't think that this is
totally just a woman's suit.

205
00:10:07,981 --> 00:10:10,067
At the very least,
it's bisexual.

206
00:10:10,442 --> 00:10:11,777
Who makes it?

207
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:19,451
It is mysterious, because the
buttons are on the wrong side.

208
00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:20,661
That's the mystery.

209
00:10:20,744 --> 00:10:22,788
Look, it's got shoulder pads.
And did you see that lining?

210
00:10:22,871 --> 00:10:23,997
Okay.
Did you see that?

211
00:10:24,081 --> 00:10:25,165
Would you stop it, please?

212
00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:26,959
So none of that
tipped you off?

213
00:10:27,042 --> 00:10:29,503
It's European, okay?
It's a European cut.

214
00:10:29,586 --> 00:10:31,630
Michael, the pants
don't have any pockets.

215
00:10:31,713 --> 00:10:33,674
No, they don't, see?

216
00:10:34,466 --> 00:10:36,260
Italians don't wear pockets.

217
00:10:36,343 --> 00:10:38,762
It's been a really
rough couple of days.

218
00:10:41,014 --> 00:10:42,516
This helps a little.

219
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:45,227
Hey, maybe you want to
come over and raid my closet?

220
00:10:45,310 --> 00:10:48,355
No, I don't want to do that
because I'm twice your size anyway.

221
00:10:48,438 --> 00:10:50,357
Yeah, he look
like Hillary Clinton.

222
00:10:50,607 --> 00:10:52,192
Let's just do this in 15.

223
00:10:52,276 --> 00:10:54,361
Okay, can you stand
right there for one second?

224
00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:55,988
I got to send
some e-mails.

225
00:10:56,071 --> 00:10:58,657
Negotiations are
all about controlling things,

226
00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:01,034
about being
in the driver's seat.

227
00:11:02,202 --> 00:11:05,455
And you make one
tiny mistake, you're dead.

228
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:07,666
I made one tiny mistake.

229
00:11:08,292 --> 00:11:10,210
I wore women's clothes.

230
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:18,510
So, Karen, how do you feel that
Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass

231
00:11:18,594 --> 00:11:20,304
over another woman?

232
00:11:20,929 --> 00:11:23,265
I feel great, Kevin.
Thank you.

233
00:11:23,348 --> 00:11:25,851
You must have been scared
out of your mind.

234
00:11:25,934 --> 00:11:27,561
Well, you know,
it happened so fast,

235
00:11:27,644 --> 00:11:29,771
I didn't really
have time to be scared.

236
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:32,191
What happened, exactly?

237
00:11:32,816 --> 00:11:36,028
I wasn't here. So I haven't
really heard the whole story.

238
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,364
Well, Jim and I were talking.

239
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:42,576
And Roy walked in,
looking super angry.

240
00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:45,329
And he's a big dude,
you know?

241
00:11:45,537 --> 00:11:48,165
And all of a sudden,
Jim pushed me out of the way

242
00:11:48,248 --> 00:11:50,042
and Roy cocked his fist.

243
00:11:50,125 --> 00:11:51,251
And then?

244
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:54,630
And then, bam, Dwight sprays
him and knocks him on his butt.

245
00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:57,799
Goodness.

246
00:11:59,134 --> 00:12:01,220
When I heard Jim
and Pam had kissed,

247
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:05,265
my reaction was to have lots of
long talks with Jim about our feelings.

248
00:12:06,141 --> 00:12:07,768
Roy just attacked him.

249
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,520
I'm not sure which
one Jim hated more.

250
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,314
Let's get down
to business.

251
00:12:12,397 --> 00:12:15,525
Why don't you tell me why
you think you deserve a raise.

252
00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:16,902
Well, it's simple, Mike.

253
00:12:16,985 --> 00:12:19,154
I mean, we merged
these two branches, right?

254
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:22,282
So now we're shipping twice
as many orders as we used to.

255
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:24,660
And with Roy gone,
we've got a smaller crew.

256
00:12:24,743 --> 00:12:26,453
And I'm picking up
all of his slack,

257
00:12:26,536 --> 00:12:29,873
so I think I should be
compensated fairly by getting a raise.

258
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:32,125
Well, those are
very good points.

259
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:34,169
What? I can't hear you.

260
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,588
Those are very
good points.

261
00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:38,799
I can't...
What, Mike? Are you...

262
00:12:41,009 --> 00:12:43,553
You make a very
compelling argument.

263
00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:52,271
Sorry I almost
got you Killed.

264
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,480
Yeah.

265
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:55,232
That was nuts.

266
00:12:55,732 --> 00:12:59,736
He could have broken your
nose or something. Crazy.

267
00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:07,744
It's just so stupid. I mean, getting
back with Roy and everything.

268
00:13:08,453 --> 00:13:10,622
I mean,
what I was thinking, right?

269
00:13:12,332 --> 00:13:15,711
No, I mean, you guys really
seem to have a strong connection.

270
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:20,465
Not anymore.
It's completely over now.

271
00:13:22,759 --> 00:13:23,802
We'll see.

272
00:13:23,885 --> 00:13:27,764
I'm sure you guys will find your
way back to one another someday.

273
00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:28,932
Jim.

274
00:13:31,226 --> 00:13:32,978
I am really sorry.

275
00:13:33,061 --> 00:13:35,897
Oh, yeah,
Don't worry about it.

276
00:13:39,192 --> 00:13:40,902
I'm going to give
you a piece of paper.

277
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:43,613
I want you to write down
how much you want.

278
00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:46,742
Then I want you to slide it
back across the desk to me.

279
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,953
Why can't I just tell you?

280
00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:55,000
Because that is the way
these things are done in films.

281
00:13:59,504 --> 00:14:01,089
Now slide it. Yes.

282
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:02,299
There you go.

283
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:08,347
Oh, come on. Be serious.

284
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:10,515
I am serious, Mike.
That's a 10-percent raise.

285
00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:12,476
That's what I want.
I can't give you that.

286
00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:14,102
I don't make this much.

287
00:14:14,227 --> 00:14:15,771
Come on, be for real, Mike.

288
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:19,358
I don't.
I'll prove it to you.

289
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,319
There is a pay stub.

290
00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:28,867
Are you serious?
You're earning this?

291
00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:30,077
Plus perks. Yes.

292
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,329
Mike, this is barely
more than I make.

293
00:14:32,412 --> 00:14:34,164
You've been here
ten years, dawg.

294
00:14:35,665 --> 00:14:37,167
Fourteen years.

295
00:14:37,709 --> 00:14:38,877
No, please, please don't.

296
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,506
I'm sorry, Mike. Some mofos
got to hear about this one.

297
00:14:43,131 --> 00:14:45,675
Okay. Let's take 15 again.

298
00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:48,804
A boss' salary
isn't just about money.

299
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:51,098
It is about perks. It...

300
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,768
For example, every year
I get a $100 gas card.

301
00:14:55,685 --> 00:14:57,813
Can't put
a price tag on that.

302
00:14:59,898 --> 00:15:02,025
Okay. If you don't want
a gift, at least let me

303
00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:04,152
buy you a beer or
lunch or something.

304
00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:07,531
When Han Solo returns to the
Death Star in the Millennium Falcon,

305
00:15:07,614 --> 00:15:10,450
and shoots down the TIE
fighters and saves the Rebel cause,

306
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:12,911
do you think he does so
for a free beer?

307
00:15:13,453 --> 00:15:14,871
Boy, I... "

308
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,832
And why are you so interested
in buying me something, Jim?

309
00:15:16,915 --> 00:15:18,583
What's your angle?

310
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,254
It's like when he annoys me
and I want to screw with him

311
00:15:22,337 --> 00:15:24,714
to get him back,
he never sees it coming.

312
00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:26,133
But now I want
to be nice to him

313
00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:27,509
and actually
give him something,

314
00:15:27,592 --> 00:15:28,718
and he's like an eel.

315
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:31,471
I just can't grab onto him.
It's infuriating.

316
00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:35,267
Maybe you just feel guilty
about all the pranks.

317
00:15:35,725 --> 00:15:36,852
No.

318
00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:39,604
Yes.
That's probably what it is.

319
00:15:39,896 --> 00:15:41,231
So what do I do?

320
00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:43,525
I don't know.

321
00:15:43,608 --> 00:15:45,193
Maybe you should
go back out there

322
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,446
and sell paper so
we can go on a trip.

323
00:15:49,364 --> 00:15:53,160
Michael?
Here's the $15 I owe you.

324
00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:54,286
Thank you.
Yeah.

325
00:15:54,369 --> 00:15:56,538
I heard you might need it,
SO...

326
00:15:59,332 --> 00:16:01,042
Here's the $40 you gave me.

327
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,878
I didn't give you $40.

328
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,838
In a way, you did.

329
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:09,634
Yeah. I heard how
much Michael makes.

330
00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:12,637
I still think
he's way overpaid.

331
00:16:13,805 --> 00:16:15,098
Fourteen years.

332
00:16:15,515 --> 00:16:16,600
Fourteen.

333
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:18,768
I know.

334
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:22,814
Okay, all right, I got to go.
Late.

335
00:16:23,648 --> 00:16:27,068
Okay. Okay.
Here's the straight dope.

336
00:16:27,402 --> 00:16:28,778
No tricks, no Wikipedia.

337
00:16:28,862 --> 00:16:29,863
What?

338
00:16:29,946 --> 00:16:32,741
I talked to corporate
and they told me that

339
00:16:32,824 --> 00:16:35,535
I can only give you
a five-percent raise.

340
00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:36,953
That's 'cause of you, Mike.

341
00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:39,080
They're not going to give the
working man more than the boss.

342
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,582
Well, what am I
supposed to do?

343
00:16:40,665 --> 00:16:42,334
Get your own raise.

344
00:16:42,417 --> 00:16:44,252
You've got to get out
there and earn, son.

345
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,963
I'm not going to go out
and ask for a raise right now.

346
00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:48,089
That is ridiculous.

347
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,175
Well, when they merged
the two branches together,

348
00:16:50,258 --> 00:16:52,219
they put you in charge.

349
00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:54,721
Okay? And we're shipping
more now than we ever have.

350
00:16:54,804 --> 00:16:56,223
That's true.
Yeah, that's true.

351
00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:59,100
You got to call
your girl and get paid.

352
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:02,062
Show her who wears the pants
in the relationship.

353
00:17:02,979 --> 00:17:04,397
You know what, I should.

354
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:05,524
Yeah, you should.

355
00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:08,985
I've been a loyal
employee for a long time.

356
00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:10,737
Fourteen years long.

357
00:17:10,820 --> 00:17:12,197
You know what,
I deserve a bump.

358
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,324
Make it happen, Captain.

359
00:17:16,743 --> 00:17:19,162
I am making it happen,
Sergeant.

360
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:22,749
I remember it was very late
at night, like 11:00, 11:30.

361
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:26,211
Big fella comes in screaming
about God knows what.

362
00:17:26,294 --> 00:17:28,421
I think maybe
Halpert had stolen his car,

363
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:29,881
something like that.

364
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:33,426
So the big fella pulls out
a sock filled with nickels.

365
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:36,888
Then Schrute grabs a can
of hairspray and a lighter...

366
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,515
You're useless.

367
00:17:41,309 --> 00:17:44,563
Well, why don't we talk
next month after the quarter ends?

368
00:17:46,189 --> 00:17:47,357
No, Jan.

369
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,236
I've never asked
for a raise in 14 years.

370
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:54,364
This is long overdue.
I want to do it today.

371
00:17:54,447 --> 00:17:55,448
Today?

372
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:59,995
All right, well, if you want to do it
today, we should do it in person,

373
00:18:00,078 --> 00:18:02,289
and can you
get here by 5:007?

374
00:18:03,039 --> 00:18:05,875
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll leave right away.

375
00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:07,168
Great.

376
00:18:07,502 --> 00:18:10,422
And listen, because of
our, you know, situation,

377
00:18:10,505 --> 00:18:12,882
we're going to need to
have a third party present.

378
00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:14,676
Yes. I'm bringing Darryl.

379
00:18:15,510 --> 00:18:17,220
Darryl from the warehouse?
Mmm-hmm.

380
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:20,515
No, Michael, we...
We need an HR rep,

381
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,976
so I think you
should just bring Toby.

382
00:18:23,351 --> 00:18:25,145
Hey, I'd rather kill myself.

383
00:18:25,228 --> 00:18:26,688
<i>Michael,
he's your branch's HR rep...</i>

384
00:18:26,771 --> 00:18:28,064
No, Toby is terrible.

385
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:29,482
...and we need
someone else in the room...

386
00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:31,067
Toby is the worst
human being I've ever known.

387
00:18:31,151 --> 00:18:32,736
...because of our
relationship. Michael!

388
00:18:32,819 --> 00:18:35,614
Either Toby comes
with you or we don't do it.

389
00:18:39,367 --> 00:18:40,452
Fine.

390
00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:41,953
You are so mean.

391
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:43,288
I don't know
what you're talking about.

392
00:18:43,371 --> 00:18:44,998
Yes, you do,
Ryan Bailey Howard.

393
00:18:45,081 --> 00:18:46,374
You called me stupid.
No. I said...

394
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:47,917
Toby, come on, let's go.

395
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:49,210
Where?
Where?

396
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:51,546
I'm going to smack you in the head
with a hammer. Come on, let's go.

397
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,673
What is so stupid about
wanting to name a baby Usher?

398
00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:54,799
All right.

399
00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:55,884
Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapour.

400
00:18:55,967 --> 00:18:57,844
Don't you see
why that's insane?

401
00:18:57,927 --> 00:18:59,596
Oh, so I'm crazy now?

402
00:19:06,144 --> 00:19:07,187
Comfortable, Mike?

403
00:19:07,270 --> 00:19:08,271
Yeah.

404
00:19:08,855 --> 00:19:10,148
What about you, man,
you comfortable?

405
00:19:10,231 --> 00:19:11,399
No.

406
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:17,947
Don't ever touch
a black man's radio.

407
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:21,576
Chris Tucker, Rush Hour.

408
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:27,082
I won't touch yours,
by the way.

409
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:28,833
Thank you.

410
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:32,003
I haven't been to
New York in a long time.

411
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:33,588
Big Apple.

412
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,382
Maybe I'll stay overnight.

413
00:19:35,965 --> 00:19:37,676
I got a cousin
who lives down there.

414
00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:39,636
How will we get home?

415
00:19:40,011 --> 00:19:42,972
Oh, you can stay, too.
He's got a big place.

416
00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:44,349
Maybe I'll stay.

417
00:19:44,432 --> 00:19:45,684
It's not that big.

418
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,436
Buses, though,
will get you home quick.

419
00:19:50,271 --> 00:19:53,483
And then all of a sudden Dwight
stood up and was like, "No!"

420
00:19:53,566 --> 00:19:54,609
Then what did he do?

421
00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:56,236
Well, you should just read
the report that Toby did.

422
00:19:56,319 --> 00:19:57,779
He took everyone's stories.

423
00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:02,325
Dunder Mifflin, customer
service. This is Kelly.

424
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:06,079
Oh, yeah, I can totally
help you with that.

425
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,665
Okay. Let me just
get the folder out.

426
00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:13,336
Okay, it seems here that you
ordered 12,000 reams of paper.

427
00:20:14,003 --> 00:20:15,046
Oh, 12 reams?

428
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:30,186
Hey, guys.
Jan is ready for you.

429
00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:31,396
Okay.

430
00:20:31,938 --> 00:20:34,232
Okay. Bring it home now.

431
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,651
And don't forget the new
black-man phrase I taught you.

432
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:38,361
Pippety poppety,
give me the zoppety.

433
00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:40,238
Yes, sir.
Remember that.

434
00:20:40,530 --> 00:20:41,948
I'll be right outside
if you need me.

435
00:20:42,031 --> 00:20:43,533
All right.

436
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,494
Yeah. I taught
Mike some new phrases.

437
00:20:47,036 --> 00:20:48,872
I want him to
get the raise.

438
00:20:49,539 --> 00:20:51,291
I just can't help myself.

439
00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:10,393
Hey, man...

440
00:21:11,686 --> 00:21:13,021
I'm sorry.

441
00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:28,161
Thanks.

442
00:21:39,380 --> 00:21:42,926
Can I, like, see you after
work for coffee or something?

443
00:21:43,301 --> 00:21:44,552
I don't know.

444
00:21:45,929 --> 00:21:46,971
Please.

445
00:21:48,097 --> 00:21:50,600
I just got some stuff
I got to say to you.

446
00:21:58,733 --> 00:21:59,818
Jim.

447
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:02,070
Roy. Look out!

448
00:22:03,112 --> 00:22:05,281
Thanks, Kev.
I'm good, though.

449
00:22:06,032 --> 00:22:07,408
Thank you, Hunter.

450
00:22:09,118 --> 00:22:10,578
Hello. Come in.

451
00:22:12,956 --> 00:22:14,040
Okay.

452
00:22:16,584 --> 00:22:18,044
Who is the boy toy?

453
00:22:18,878 --> 00:22:20,255
That's my new assistant.

454
00:22:20,338 --> 00:22:23,925
Were you going to tell me that
you hired James Van Der Beek?

455
00:22:24,008 --> 00:22:26,553
I have to call you the second
I get a new assistant now?

456
00:22:26,636 --> 00:22:28,930
Be nice to get a memo.
We are lovers.

457
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,016
Hi, Jan.

458
00:22:34,435 --> 00:22:35,603
Hi, Toby.

459
00:22:37,564 --> 00:22:39,440
First...

460
00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:43,361
First off, Michael,
this is a salary negotiation.

461
00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:45,488
All matters regarding
our personal relationship

462
00:22:45,572 --> 00:22:47,824
have to be set aside.
Are we clear?

463
00:22:47,907 --> 00:22:49,158
Bippety, boppety.

464
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:53,371
Right now, we can offer you
a six-percent raise.

465
00:22:53,454 --> 00:22:55,582
Six percent?
After all we've been through?

466
00:22:55,665 --> 00:22:58,793
Oh, God.
I got you jade earrings.

467
00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:00,128
Michael.
No.

468
00:23:00,253 --> 00:23:01,421
No. No.
Michael.

469
00:23:01,504 --> 00:23:03,089
You're going to
play it like this?

470
00:23:03,172 --> 00:23:06,676
You give me a good raise
Or No more sex.

471
00:23:10,221 --> 00:23:11,931
What are you writing,
perv-ball?

472
00:23:12,015 --> 00:23:14,142
Just preparing
for the deposition.

473
00:23:14,517 --> 00:23:17,186
This may the first time that a
male subordinate has attempted

474
00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:19,355
to get a modest,
scheduled raise

475
00:23:19,439 --> 00:23:22,609
by threatening to withhold
sex from a female superior.

476
00:23:22,692 --> 00:23:25,320
It will be
a groundbreaking case

477
00:23:25,403 --> 00:23:27,697
when it
inevitably goes to trial.

478
00:23:28,865 --> 00:23:30,491
I'm so sorry, Pammy.

479
00:23:32,118 --> 00:23:34,913
I mean, I wasn't going
to do anything, but then...

480
00:23:35,288 --> 00:23:37,665
I kept thinking
about you two together.

481
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:42,045
I just thought you guys
were really good friends

482
00:23:42,128 --> 00:23:44,505
or maybe he was
gay or something.

483
00:23:45,715 --> 00:23:47,300
Not that that's wrong.

484
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:51,971
I'm sorry, too.

485
00:23:54,349 --> 00:23:58,019
I just... I think that we both
made some bad choices.

486
00:24:06,694 --> 00:24:09,572
So, you going to
start dating Halpert then?

487
00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:12,367
No.

488
00:24:12,867 --> 00:24:14,577
No. He has a girlfriend.

489
00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:16,371
Oh, yeah.

490
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:22,460
Wait a minute, you broke
up our wedding for the guy.

491
00:24:22,794 --> 00:24:23,962
No.

492
00:24:24,212 --> 00:24:26,506
There were a lot of reasons.

493
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,844
What, you're not even
going to try to go out with him?

494
00:24:35,473 --> 00:24:37,266
I don't get you, Pam.

495
00:24:38,393 --> 00:24:39,602
I know.

496
00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,069
What's this?

497
00:24:48,194 --> 00:24:49,570
What's what?

498
00:24:49,654 --> 00:24:53,199
"Certificate of Bravery from
the Scranton Police Department

499
00:24:53,282 --> 00:24:57,578
"recognizing outstanding citizenship
from a very brave young man,

500
00:24:57,662 --> 00:24:59,163
"Dwight K. Schrute."

501
00:24:59,372 --> 00:25:02,250
Wow. I guess word got around.
That's a nice honor.

502
00:25:02,458 --> 00:25:04,669
Please. They hand
these out to little kids.

503
00:25:04,752 --> 00:25:07,547
Look, there's a teddy bear
in a policeman's cap.

504
00:25:08,423 --> 00:25:10,800
Didn't think you'd notice.

505
00:25:12,385 --> 00:25:17,265
Why don't you just take that
pen and stab me in the heart?

506
00:25:17,348 --> 00:25:18,933
This is me, Jan.
This is me.

507
00:25:19,017 --> 00:25:21,477
Okay.
Michael, please.

508
00:25:21,561 --> 00:25:23,062
You know, why don't
we just take a break?

509
00:25:23,146 --> 00:25:24,272
Okay.
This is...

510
00:25:24,355 --> 00:25:26,441
This is going nowhere.
No. No. No.

511
00:25:26,524 --> 00:25:28,985
You do not try
tactic number eight on me.

512
00:25:29,068 --> 00:25:30,820
I invented
tactic number eight.

513
00:25:30,903 --> 00:25:31,946
I'm not going anywhere.

514
00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:33,031
Okay, Toby,
how about if you...

515
00:25:33,114 --> 00:25:34,615
Sure.
Great.

516
00:25:41,664 --> 00:25:43,249
What's wrong with you?

517
00:25:43,666 --> 00:25:46,127
I don't know.
Was a weird day.

518
00:25:48,004 --> 00:25:49,922
I accidentally cross-dressed.

519
00:25:51,007 --> 00:25:54,260
And then Darryl made me feel
bad for not making any money.

520
00:25:55,053 --> 00:25:57,013
And then I had to ride
up here with stupid Toby.

521
00:25:57,096 --> 00:26:01,601
And then your assistant
Is all young and hot and I...

522
00:26:01,934 --> 00:26:03,227
Okay, Michael.

523
00:26:03,728 --> 00:26:07,398
I can offer you
a 12-percent raise,

524
00:26:08,608 --> 00:26:11,319
but you have
got to ask for 15.

525
00:26:12,945 --> 00:26:14,322
That's ridiculous.
I'm never going to...

526
00:26:14,405 --> 00:26:15,698
No, just...

527
00:26:15,782 --> 00:26:20,536
I just need you to ask for it so I
can record that you asked for it.

528
00:26:20,995 --> 00:26:22,205
Okay?

529
00:26:23,331 --> 00:26:25,541
Ah so.

530
00:26:31,297 --> 00:26:35,551
All right, Levinson,
here's the rub.

531
00:26:36,636 --> 00:26:39,514
I would like
a 15-percent raise.

532
00:26:39,597 --> 00:26:41,557
No, but we can offer you 12.

533
00:26:41,933 --> 00:26:43,810
But you just said 15.

534
00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:47,605
Negotiation is an art.

535
00:26:48,064 --> 00:26:50,066
Back and forth.
Give and take.

536
00:26:50,650 --> 00:26:53,736
And today, both Darryl
and I took something.

537
00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:56,155
Higher salaries.

538
00:26:56,697 --> 00:26:57,990
Win, win, win.

539
00:26:58,741 --> 00:27:03,704
But, you know, life is
about more than just salary.

540
00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:06,499
It's about perks.

541
00:27:07,333 --> 00:27:08,835
Like having sex with Jan...

542
00:27:08,918 --> 00:27:10,169
Michael.

543
00:27:14,632 --> 00:27:16,551
So, you and Bob are looking
at a historical house?

544
00:27:16,634 --> 00:27:18,136
Near the river.

545
00:27:18,469 --> 00:27:20,179
How many bedrooms?
Four.

546
00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:23,432
Dwight. Dwight.

547
00:27:28,312 --> 00:27:30,273
I've been doing some
very interesting reading.

548
00:27:30,356 --> 00:27:31,440
Really?

549
00:27:32,066 --> 00:27:33,401
Tales of bravery.

550
00:27:33,943 --> 00:27:35,486
Good stuff?

551
00:27:36,946 --> 00:27:40,366
I was thinking tonight
we could read it together.

552
00:27:41,409 --> 00:27:42,702
That sounds

553
00:27:43,661 --> 00:27:44,704
fun.

554
00:28:00,303 --> 00:28:01,470
I...

555
00:28:04,056 --> 00:28:05,641
...will never say a word.

556
00:28:07,435 --> 00:28:09,270
And now we are even.

557
00:28:14,775 --> 00:28:16,569
I graduated
from anger management

558
00:28:16,652 --> 00:28:18,321
the same way
I graduated from Cornell.

559
00:28:18,404 --> 00:28:19,447
On time.

560
00:28:19,530 --> 00:28:23,075
Now I'm back, got a second
chance and I'm not going to blow it.

561
00:28:23,201 --> 00:28:25,411
So, look out,
Dunder Mifflin.

562
00:28:27,496 --> 00:28:29,332
I mean "look out"
in a fun way.

563
00:28:29,415 --> 00:28:32,001
You know, not like,
"I'm going to hurt you."

564
00:28:33,169 --> 00:28:35,213
Hey, guys, guess who's back?

565
00:28:38,716 --> 00:28:40,551
Oh, God!

566
00:28:40,635 --> 00:28:42,470
No need to thank me.

567
00:28:42,553 --> 00:28:44,013
I'm not a hero.

568
00:28:44,263 --> 00:28:46,515
I'm a mere defender
of the office.

569
00:28:46,974 --> 00:28:48,684
You know who's a real hero?

570
00:28:48,768 --> 00:28:50,269
Hiro from Heroes.

571
00:28:50,770 --> 00:28:52,021
That's a hero.

572
00:28:53,439 --> 00:28:54,649
Also Bono.