1 00:00:02,067 --> 00:00:04,535 This here is a radon test kit. 2 00:00:04,603 --> 00:00:06,070 Okay, I'll be putting them everywhere. 3 00:00:06,138 --> 00:00:08,698 And please don't throw these out. 4 00:00:09,742 --> 00:00:11,767 This is a radon test kit. 5 00:00:12,811 --> 00:00:13,971 Please don't throw these out. 6 00:00:15,714 --> 00:00:17,011 You'll see them all over the office. 7 00:00:17,316 --> 00:00:19,409 Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere 8 00:00:19,885 --> 00:00:21,409 like he owns the place. 9 00:00:22,554 --> 00:00:25,921 The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. 10 00:00:26,792 --> 00:00:28,350 But I figured I'd rather live with ants 11 00:00:28,427 --> 00:00:30,327 than with this creepy little disk. 12 00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:34,298 The second time, I thought it was one of those, 13 00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:38,302 you know, the things you turn over and it moos like a cow thing, 14 00:00:38,370 --> 00:00:43,967 but upon closer examination it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. 15 00:00:44,043 --> 00:00:48,776 And the third time, I did it out of spite. 16 00:00:51,884 --> 00:00:53,112 Come on, Michael, you're interrupting. 17 00:00:53,185 --> 00:00:54,914 You're kidding me! God! 18 00:00:54,987 --> 00:00:57,046 You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me 19 00:00:57,122 --> 00:00:59,147 not to make farting noises with my mouth? 20 00:00:59,224 --> 00:01:00,486 What is this? Please sit down. 21 00:01:00,559 --> 00:01:02,049 You know what, we're not gonna die of radon, 22 00:01:02,127 --> 00:01:03,389 we're gonna die of boredom. 23 00:01:03,462 --> 00:01:04,451 Yeah. 24 00:01:04,530 --> 00:01:05,588 Right? 25 00:01:05,664 --> 00:01:07,757 And if I had a gun with two bullets, 26 00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:10,529 and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, 27 00:01:10,602 --> 00:01:12,433 I would shoot Toby twice. 28 00:01:13,939 --> 00:01:15,600 Okay, all right. You were being really funny 29 00:01:15,674 --> 00:01:16,663 and then you went too far. 30 00:01:16,742 --> 00:01:18,642 I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby. 31 00:01:18,777 --> 00:01:20,267 No. That's still... 32 00:01:20,345 --> 00:01:22,279 Okay, geniuses, how would you do it? 33 00:01:22,347 --> 00:01:26,443 Curve the bullet like in my favorite James McAvoy film Wanted. 34 00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:28,610 All that does is help you shoot around things. 35 00:01:28,687 --> 00:01:30,484 What does Bin Laden... Is there a curtain rod in the room? 36 00:01:30,556 --> 00:01:31,580 I don't know. 37 00:01:31,657 --> 00:01:34,854 How about make-believe land has anything you want? 38 00:01:34,927 --> 00:01:36,986 Stanley, please, this is serious. 39 00:01:37,329 --> 00:01:39,991 Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence? 40 00:01:40,065 --> 00:01:42,158 Yes, we should stab Toby through the heart with an icicle. 41 00:01:42,234 --> 00:01:44,065 Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. 42 00:01:44,136 --> 00:01:45,899 Here's how you do it. You line them all up, 43 00:01:45,971 --> 00:01:48,166 you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat 44 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:49,798 at the same time. 45 00:01:49,875 --> 00:01:51,809 Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. 46 00:01:51,877 --> 00:01:55,142 Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up. 47 00:01:55,214 --> 00:01:56,738 - I don't want to do this. - Throats together. 48 00:01:56,815 --> 00:01:58,510 Toby, just do it! Toby, come on. 49 00:01:58,584 --> 00:01:59,608 God. 50 00:01:59,685 --> 00:02:01,676 Ready, one bullet and... 51 00:02:02,121 --> 00:02:03,247 Boom! 52 00:02:06,859 --> 00:02:08,087 Yeah, that works. 53 00:02:08,727 --> 00:02:09,819 It worked! 54 00:02:32,518 --> 00:02:33,644 What flavors did you get? 55 00:02:33,719 --> 00:02:35,209 It's so exciting, Pam. 56 00:02:35,287 --> 00:02:38,279 The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60. 57 00:02:38,357 --> 00:02:42,020 "Despera-Dough, Witchy-Womanilla." Why do they do this? 58 00:02:42,094 --> 00:02:43,186 Do you want me to go back to the store? 59 00:02:43,262 --> 00:02:45,822 No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting. 60 00:02:46,131 --> 00:02:48,065 We got to get these out, open them up. Okay. 61 00:02:48,133 --> 00:02:50,761 This is all for Michael. Turns out his girlfriend was married. 62 00:02:51,370 --> 00:02:53,031 Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, 63 00:02:53,105 --> 00:02:54,538 this whole place comes to a halt, 64 00:02:54,606 --> 00:02:56,870 so, we're just trying to get out in front of this. 65 00:02:57,142 --> 00:03:00,305 After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. 66 00:03:00,379 --> 00:03:02,347 Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me. 67 00:03:03,015 --> 00:03:04,073 Yeah. 68 00:03:04,149 --> 00:03:05,776 Or, no, well, I don't know. 69 00:03:05,851 --> 00:03:08,479 I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece. 70 00:03:08,554 --> 00:03:10,317 Otherwise I'd be running this. 71 00:03:10,389 --> 00:03:11,583 That's okay. 72 00:03:11,657 --> 00:03:13,955 You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late. 73 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,484 We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room, 74 00:03:16,662 --> 00:03:18,027 and the Pink Panther movie in his office. 75 00:03:18,096 --> 00:03:19,529 With half hour shifts to watch with him. 76 00:03:19,598 --> 00:03:21,429 And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. 77 00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:22,489 So, please sign up. 78 00:03:22,701 --> 00:03:23,929 He's coming. - Oh. Okay. 79 00:03:24,002 --> 00:03:25,902 Everyone, remember when he gets like this, 80 00:03:25,971 --> 00:03:27,836 he will wallow if you empathize. 81 00:03:27,906 --> 00:03:29,168 Keep conversations light. 82 00:03:29,241 --> 00:03:31,300 And if you get stuck and you don't know what to do, 83 00:03:31,376 --> 00:03:32,809 make a random sound effect. 84 00:03:32,878 --> 00:03:34,539 Okay, farting noise, whatever. Okay. 85 00:03:35,347 --> 00:03:36,905 Hey, everyone. No, out. 86 00:03:36,982 --> 00:03:38,210 Get out, right now. Leave now. 87 00:03:38,283 --> 00:03:39,580 Get out. Right now. 88 00:03:39,651 --> 00:03:40,879 Please, please! 89 00:03:41,820 --> 00:03:43,754 And if he makes a joke, just laugh it up 90 00:03:43,822 --> 00:03:45,551 no matter what, okay? 91 00:03:48,694 --> 00:03:50,559 Morning, everyone. - Hey! 92 00:03:50,629 --> 00:03:51,687 Hey! 93 00:03:51,763 --> 00:03:52,787 Hey! 94 00:03:52,864 --> 00:03:53,990 Hello. 95 00:03:54,066 --> 00:03:56,125 Michael, nice tie or something. 96 00:03:56,401 --> 00:03:58,562 Thank you. It's reversible, I think. 97 00:04:00,505 --> 00:04:01,802 That's hilarious. PAM: That's awesome. 98 00:04:01,873 --> 00:04:02,965 You want some ice cream? 99 00:04:03,208 --> 00:04:06,336 Oh! Wow. Are those Eagles flavors? 100 00:04:06,945 --> 00:04:08,845 "Cake It To The Limit," that's my favorite. 101 00:04:08,914 --> 00:04:11,280 I love that. Too much for me to have by myself. 102 00:04:11,350 --> 00:04:12,647 Anybody want to share? 103 00:04:16,722 --> 00:04:21,022 Okay, well... That's random. I will dig into those later. 104 00:04:22,861 --> 00:04:24,795 I don't follow this exactly. 105 00:04:24,863 --> 00:04:26,421 "The descendents of any replicants 106 00:04:26,498 --> 00:04:27,726 "from this union shall have..." 107 00:04:27,799 --> 00:04:28,823 Joint custody. Joint custody. 108 00:04:30,435 --> 00:04:32,232 Are we talking about your grandchildren? 109 00:04:32,304 --> 00:04:33,328 No. No. 110 00:04:33,505 --> 00:04:34,972 Rather than spend all day in court, 111 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,100 we have decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. 112 00:04:38,543 --> 00:04:41,603 It was an option spelled out in our child-rearing contract. 113 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:42,738 Alleged contract. 114 00:04:42,814 --> 00:04:43,838 Alleged? 115 00:04:43,915 --> 00:04:46,145 I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over. 116 00:04:46,251 --> 00:04:49,846 Pfft. Yeah, just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. 117 00:04:49,921 --> 00:04:50,945 Yeah. 118 00:04:52,190 --> 00:04:55,216 See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it. 119 00:04:55,994 --> 00:04:58,053 So much of this is just impossible to verify. 120 00:04:58,130 --> 00:05:01,429 Item five, point B, the beet juice cleanse. 121 00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:04,367 I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting. 122 00:05:04,436 --> 00:05:06,165 How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample. 123 00:05:06,238 --> 00:05:08,035 Dwight, look at my teeth. 124 00:05:09,107 --> 00:05:10,165 Ugh! 125 00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:12,002 No secret crying. 126 00:05:12,210 --> 00:05:14,576 Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there. 127 00:05:15,013 --> 00:05:16,503 Could he still be seeing her? 128 00:05:16,648 --> 00:05:18,172 I don't think he'd do that. 129 00:05:18,650 --> 00:05:20,049 So, we're gonna say the most likely scenario 130 00:05:20,118 --> 00:05:22,052 is that Michael matured overnight? 131 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,588 It happened to Tom Hanks in Big. 132 00:05:24,823 --> 00:05:27,519 Exactly. It happened in Big. 133 00:05:29,027 --> 00:05:30,688 No, I gotta go. Text me later. 134 00:05:31,063 --> 00:05:32,860 I'm really too tired to do this. Me, too. 135 00:05:32,931 --> 00:05:34,592 Then let's just not do this. 136 00:05:34,666 --> 00:05:37,032 Do you have any idea of the risks involved? 137 00:05:38,337 --> 00:05:39,429 Hey, Michael. Hey. 138 00:05:39,504 --> 00:05:41,972 We were wondering if you'd like to have dinner with us tonight 139 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:43,974 in our home and play with our baby? 140 00:05:44,042 --> 00:05:45,634 We could order in from Hooters. 141 00:05:45,844 --> 00:05:47,209 Hooters to go, nice. 142 00:05:47,379 --> 00:05:48,846 We can watch a movie and play Rock Band. 143 00:05:48,914 --> 00:05:50,006 Billy Joel Rock Band. 144 00:05:50,115 --> 00:05:51,207 That exists? 145 00:05:51,283 --> 00:05:52,341 Yes. 146 00:05:53,418 --> 00:05:56,148 Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer. 147 00:05:56,888 --> 00:05:59,186 Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna? 148 00:06:00,759 --> 00:06:02,818 Okay, Pam, 149 00:06:03,261 --> 00:06:05,889 she's not invisible, so stop asking silly questions. 150 00:06:05,964 --> 00:06:07,056 Michael. 151 00:06:07,132 --> 00:06:08,724 Since when is this an office 152 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,360 where we delve into each other's personal lives? 153 00:06:11,436 --> 00:06:12,926 I like Donna. 154 00:06:14,806 --> 00:06:17,400 Is it wrong to keep seeing her? 155 00:06:17,476 --> 00:06:20,138 Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband 156 00:06:21,446 --> 00:06:24,347 or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong. 157 00:06:24,483 --> 00:06:25,950 That is something I would never do. 158 00:06:26,017 --> 00:06:28,349 Well, I think we all know what you're capable of, Meredith. 159 00:06:28,420 --> 00:06:31,821 Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on or been used to cheat with. 160 00:06:31,923 --> 00:06:37,225 I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?" 161 00:06:38,864 --> 00:06:40,024 People, this is Scranton 162 00:06:40,098 --> 00:06:41,429 and many people consider that to be 163 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:43,730 the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. 164 00:06:43,802 --> 00:06:46,669 And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers. 165 00:06:47,072 --> 00:06:48,937 Ugh! Ryan, I do not want you hanging out with Michael anymore. 166 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,132 Okay. 167 00:06:50,208 --> 00:06:52,836 Okay, I will have you know that I asked Donna about this 168 00:06:52,911 --> 00:06:54,173 and she is fine with it. 169 00:06:54,246 --> 00:06:56,874 And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward, same answer. 170 00:06:56,982 --> 00:06:58,244 How does he feel about it? 171 00:06:58,316 --> 00:07:00,113 He is never gonna find out. 172 00:07:00,185 --> 00:07:01,880 He is a high school baseball coach, 173 00:07:01,953 --> 00:07:04,319 he wakes up early, he goes to bed early. 174 00:07:06,057 --> 00:07:07,991 Look at how long it took for him to find out. 175 00:07:08,059 --> 00:07:10,391 It was right under his nose. I had to tell him. 176 00:07:10,462 --> 00:07:11,929 Okay, now you're just being hurtful. 177 00:07:11,997 --> 00:07:13,294 I'm sorry. 178 00:07:13,532 --> 00:07:16,592 Why is it okay for Stanley to cheat? Or for Phyllis to cheat? 179 00:07:16,868 --> 00:07:17,926 Hey. 180 00:07:18,003 --> 00:07:19,061 On her diet. 181 00:07:19,337 --> 00:07:21,737 He's a sports guy. He's scummy. 182 00:07:21,973 --> 00:07:23,907 Dog fighting, drugs, they spit. 183 00:07:24,075 --> 00:07:25,508 Did Donna tell you that? 184 00:07:26,378 --> 00:07:28,209 Real Sports with Bryant Gumball. 185 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,714 So, you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy. 186 00:07:30,782 --> 00:07:32,147 You know what? You know what? 187 00:07:32,217 --> 00:07:35,243 I am declaring a moment of silence right now. 188 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:38,118 Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. 189 00:07:38,190 --> 00:07:41,057 Just sit there and think about Michael Jackson. 190 00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:44,085 My name's Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. 191 00:07:44,162 --> 00:07:45,925 For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, 192 00:07:45,997 --> 00:07:48,488 a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. 193 00:07:49,234 --> 00:07:50,531 I've lived the part. 194 00:07:51,670 --> 00:07:55,663 And let me tell you, I would so much rather play the part on stage. 195 00:07:57,442 --> 00:08:00,843 So, here's the thing about infidelity. 196 00:08:00,912 --> 00:08:02,004 No, no. 197 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,571 When are you people going to stop casting the first stone? 198 00:08:05,217 --> 00:08:07,378 I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy. 199 00:08:08,019 --> 00:08:09,350 How does that work? 200 00:08:09,988 --> 00:08:13,424 Do you think this husband is a super sweet, nice guy? 201 00:08:13,492 --> 00:08:15,892 Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. 202 00:08:15,961 --> 00:08:20,489 Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? 203 00:08:21,032 --> 00:08:24,229 There has to be a problem with him. 204 00:08:24,469 --> 00:08:28,303 In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. 205 00:08:28,673 --> 00:08:30,800 You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyoncé. 206 00:08:31,042 --> 00:08:32,134 I am Beyoncé always. 207 00:08:32,210 --> 00:08:33,939 Not this time. Yes, I am. 208 00:08:34,546 --> 00:08:37,037 This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? 209 00:08:37,115 --> 00:08:38,912 Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is. 210 00:08:39,050 --> 00:08:40,677 I would love that. Yeah. 211 00:08:40,752 --> 00:08:43,050 Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out. 212 00:08:43,455 --> 00:08:44,717 I have work to do. 213 00:08:44,789 --> 00:08:46,416 Really? I thought you were the boss. 214 00:08:48,293 --> 00:08:49,282 Let's go. 215 00:08:50,462 --> 00:08:53,397 I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. 216 00:08:53,465 --> 00:08:54,625 I should punch him in the nose 217 00:08:54,699 --> 00:08:56,030 for what he's making me do to her. 218 00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:06,374 All right, Andy, please. 219 00:09:06,511 --> 00:09:07,842 Baseball! Shh! 220 00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:10,814 Try not to draw attention, please. 221 00:09:12,317 --> 00:09:13,341 That's him. That's him. 222 00:09:13,885 --> 00:09:15,045 Where? Right there. 223 00:09:15,287 --> 00:09:16,311 The coach. 224 00:09:16,388 --> 00:09:17,650 Stage right or stage left? 225 00:09:17,722 --> 00:09:19,349 I played batboy in Damn Yankees. 226 00:09:19,424 --> 00:09:22,587 Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger, okay? See? 227 00:09:22,894 --> 00:09:24,589 The grownup by the base. 228 00:09:24,663 --> 00:09:28,155 And now coaching third base with two arms, two legs 229 00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:30,394 and a heart capable of feeling pain... 230 00:09:30,468 --> 00:09:32,436 All right. Can you just... Is number... 231 00:09:32,504 --> 00:09:34,734 Can you just act normal for a second, please? 232 00:09:34,806 --> 00:09:37,070 Whatever. I'm the one blending in. 233 00:09:46,084 --> 00:09:47,847 Guys? Pam? 234 00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:49,944 Hey. Oh! Hi, Gabe. 235 00:09:50,255 --> 00:09:53,349 Can you two please join me in my office? Now. 236 00:09:58,563 --> 00:09:59,996 You were supposed to be the lookout. 237 00:10:00,065 --> 00:10:03,034 Yeah, well, it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag. 238 00:10:03,435 --> 00:10:05,926 I don't want to be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, 239 00:10:06,004 --> 00:10:07,471 this makes us all look bad. 240 00:10:07,739 --> 00:10:09,673 Sorry about that. So embarrassing. 241 00:10:11,176 --> 00:10:14,202 Good, okay, end of the dressing down. 242 00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:17,844 I just hate that part of the job, you know? The power dynamic. 243 00:10:18,416 --> 00:10:19,974 Well, you were surprisingly restrained. 244 00:10:20,051 --> 00:10:21,609 We will be well rested tomorrow. 245 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:22,709 Okay. That's great, actually, 246 00:10:22,787 --> 00:10:24,652 because I wanted to talk to you about something else. 247 00:10:25,056 --> 00:10:26,387 Excellent. Go for it. 248 00:10:26,458 --> 00:10:28,426 I'm sure you got my e-mail about the printer fires, 249 00:10:28,493 --> 00:10:30,552 the one with the branching decision tree. 250 00:10:30,629 --> 00:10:32,256 I actually designed that chart. 251 00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:34,025 Kind of hoping it catches on. 252 00:10:34,099 --> 00:10:35,964 Anyway, the question is, 253 00:10:36,034 --> 00:10:38,832 what is the best way to disseminate important information 254 00:10:38,903 --> 00:10:40,200 in an efficient way? 255 00:10:40,572 --> 00:10:43,803 Right. So let's... 256 00:10:44,042 --> 00:10:45,839 Finally, there's a provision here in the occurrence 257 00:10:45,910 --> 00:10:47,673 that the child is born an old man, 258 00:10:47,746 --> 00:10:48,770 a la Benjamin Button. 259 00:10:48,847 --> 00:10:50,644 Same page. Go to the next one. Same page. We're fine there. 260 00:10:50,715 --> 00:10:52,080 Just keep moving. 261 00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:53,742 Despite the provision covering 262 00:10:53,818 --> 00:10:55,376 whether this is all part of The Matrix... 263 00:10:55,553 --> 00:10:56,918 Which we can't know... 264 00:10:57,255 --> 00:10:58,313 ...this is essentially... 265 00:10:58,390 --> 00:10:59,379 ...unless we're unplugged... 266 00:11:00,158 --> 00:11:02,456 ...equivalent to a donor or surrogate contract... 267 00:11:02,694 --> 00:11:04,093 ...and wake up in the future. 268 00:11:04,229 --> 00:11:06,163 ...which is actually pretty common. 269 00:11:06,231 --> 00:11:09,530 So, I have to tell you that this is a solid contract. 270 00:11:10,969 --> 00:11:12,129 What? 271 00:11:12,203 --> 00:11:15,104 Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else. 272 00:11:15,340 --> 00:11:16,329 What? 273 00:11:16,408 --> 00:11:19,002 So essentially this comes down to damages. 274 00:11:19,377 --> 00:11:22,778 Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000. 275 00:11:23,181 --> 00:11:24,273 What? 276 00:11:24,382 --> 00:11:26,976 I don't have $30,000 lying around. 277 00:11:27,052 --> 00:11:28,417 I have it buried very deeply, 278 00:11:28,486 --> 00:11:31,319 and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it. 279 00:11:32,390 --> 00:11:34,881 Chase Dixon is up, could be a big play. 280 00:11:34,959 --> 00:11:36,085 You have no idea what you're talking about. 281 00:11:36,161 --> 00:11:37,458 I know it's like cricket. 282 00:11:37,529 --> 00:11:38,757 No. No. 283 00:11:38,830 --> 00:11:40,798 Well, home plate is like a wicket. 284 00:11:40,865 --> 00:11:43,060 You don't know, you don't know anything. 285 00:11:43,334 --> 00:11:45,700 Look at him. Look at him over there. 286 00:11:45,770 --> 00:11:48,671 High fiving? He didn't even do anything. 287 00:11:48,740 --> 00:11:50,367 The kid did all the work. 288 00:11:50,575 --> 00:11:51,599 I bet he does that at home. 289 00:11:51,676 --> 00:11:55,043 I bet it's like, "Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes? 290 00:11:55,113 --> 00:11:56,603 "High five, Donna." 291 00:11:56,681 --> 00:12:00,515 "Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers? High five. I'm taking all the credit." 292 00:12:00,585 --> 00:12:02,348 He seems pretty well liked by the team. 293 00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:05,753 Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary. 294 00:12:06,858 --> 00:12:09,019 You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players. 295 00:12:09,094 --> 00:12:11,028 I know. I know. I know. 296 00:12:11,830 --> 00:12:13,161 That was a euphemism. 297 00:12:13,298 --> 00:12:15,493 $30,000? There's got to be another way. 298 00:12:15,633 --> 00:12:18,602 He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune. 299 00:12:18,770 --> 00:12:20,328 Look, I will not pay. 300 00:12:20,739 --> 00:12:23,230 Well, I have an alternative. 301 00:12:24,209 --> 00:12:26,575 "Intercourse to completion five individual times 302 00:12:26,644 --> 00:12:27,872 "rendered at my discretion." 303 00:12:27,946 --> 00:12:29,413 Look, I don't think that's actually legal. 304 00:12:29,514 --> 00:12:30,776 Agreed. 305 00:12:32,817 --> 00:12:36,685 Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. 306 00:12:36,755 --> 00:12:38,484 Better than most horses. 307 00:12:38,823 --> 00:12:40,415 But not on your bed. It's lumpy. 308 00:12:40,492 --> 00:12:42,585 Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, 309 00:12:42,660 --> 00:12:45,424 and those names are Amber, Milky Way, Dianne and Lumpy. 310 00:12:45,897 --> 00:12:47,228 Fine, five times. 311 00:12:47,298 --> 00:12:49,357 Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. 312 00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:51,561 It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution. 313 00:12:51,870 --> 00:12:53,098 I want eye contact. 314 00:12:53,171 --> 00:12:54,263 No. Yes. 315 00:12:54,339 --> 00:12:56,204 Do you understand how rare that is in nature? 316 00:12:56,274 --> 00:12:57,707 I'm not some farm animal. 317 00:13:01,412 --> 00:13:03,004 Great game, Coach. Shh. 318 00:13:03,081 --> 00:13:04,810 Okay, all right, don't, don't, don't. 319 00:13:05,183 --> 00:13:08,516 You guys are awesome. Best game I've ever seen in my life. 320 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,654 Yeah, right. You must be rooting for the other guys. 321 00:13:10,722 --> 00:13:12,519 Ha! The other guys can go die. 322 00:13:12,590 --> 00:13:13,579 Okay. Baseball! 323 00:13:13,658 --> 00:13:14,682 Go talk to him. 324 00:13:14,759 --> 00:13:16,192 No, God, you go talk to him. 325 00:13:17,095 --> 00:13:19,893 Shane, great game, man. 326 00:13:21,232 --> 00:13:22,290 Do I know you? 327 00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:23,391 No, just big fans. 328 00:13:23,668 --> 00:13:24,999 Both of us. 329 00:13:25,170 --> 00:13:27,263 Are you somebody's parents? 330 00:13:27,338 --> 00:13:30,705 Are you guys Kenny's dads? 331 00:13:31,276 --> 00:13:34,245 No, no, but we're gay for baseball. 332 00:13:35,013 --> 00:13:36,776 Okay. But I have a wife, actually, 333 00:13:36,848 --> 00:13:38,577 who I really love a lot. Yeah. 334 00:13:38,650 --> 00:13:39,810 Okay. 335 00:13:39,884 --> 00:13:40,908 Let's go! 336 00:13:40,985 --> 00:13:42,782 I am so into the institution of marriage. 337 00:13:42,921 --> 00:13:45,219 Isn't marriage the best, you know? 338 00:13:45,423 --> 00:13:46,947 Two good people finding each other, 339 00:13:47,025 --> 00:13:49,016 getting all committed to each other. 340 00:13:50,495 --> 00:13:52,156 You love baseball, what else do you love? 341 00:13:52,297 --> 00:13:53,958 Let's round you out as a person. 342 00:13:54,098 --> 00:13:56,828 Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to focus here on the game. 343 00:13:56,901 --> 00:13:59,802 I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. 344 00:14:00,305 --> 00:14:03,138 You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better 345 00:14:03,208 --> 00:14:05,699 if I know the coach loves his wife. 346 00:14:06,110 --> 00:14:08,704 Of course. Okay, I've got to get back to this. 347 00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:09,838 Of course. All right. 348 00:14:09,914 --> 00:14:12,712 But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon! 349 00:14:12,784 --> 00:14:14,479 No, no, no. I'm good. - Come on, get over here. 350 00:14:14,552 --> 00:14:16,315 Get over here. Oh, my God. All right. 351 00:14:16,387 --> 00:14:18,514 Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach. 352 00:14:18,590 --> 00:14:19,852 Sorry, I've got some stomach cramps. 353 00:14:20,158 --> 00:14:21,853 It's all right, it's all right, just keep it going. 354 00:14:21,926 --> 00:14:23,951 Well, that was not at all what I expected. 355 00:14:26,364 --> 00:14:27,524 My heart's still racing. 356 00:14:27,765 --> 00:14:30,529 I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. 357 00:14:30,602 --> 00:14:33,696 All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife." 358 00:14:33,838 --> 00:14:36,830 You know who does that? James freaking Bond. 359 00:14:38,643 --> 00:14:41,009 Okay, orange slices. 360 00:14:41,079 --> 00:14:42,546 There you go. Thanks, Michael. 361 00:14:42,614 --> 00:14:45,276 Don't thank me, thank Dylan's mom. 362 00:14:45,350 --> 00:14:46,510 There you go. 363 00:14:48,086 --> 00:14:49,553 Why would you throw something wet at me? 364 00:14:49,621 --> 00:14:50,713 You love it. 365 00:14:50,788 --> 00:14:51,982 There you go. 366 00:14:52,724 --> 00:14:53,850 Now, were those for the team? 367 00:14:54,325 --> 00:14:56,793 No. They didn't say "team," they just said "Coal Hawks." 368 00:14:56,995 --> 00:14:58,690 I don't think those were yours to take. 369 00:14:58,763 --> 00:15:00,253 Well, then, it wouldn't be the first time 370 00:15:00,331 --> 00:15:02,265 I stole something away from Coach Shane. 371 00:15:02,634 --> 00:15:03,828 I just want to go on record as saying 372 00:15:03,902 --> 00:15:06,132 that I do not condone this affair. 373 00:15:06,204 --> 00:15:07,967 And I even went so far as to force Michael 374 00:15:08,039 --> 00:15:10,166 to confront the victim of his behavior. 375 00:15:10,708 --> 00:15:12,266 Did you talk to him? I did. 376 00:15:12,343 --> 00:15:15,244 You talked to the man whose wife you're having an affair with? 377 00:15:15,313 --> 00:15:17,008 Wow, that is crazy. 378 00:15:17,081 --> 00:15:18,139 Was there a fist fight? 379 00:15:18,216 --> 00:15:20,741 No, we just talked. He's very nice. 380 00:15:20,818 --> 00:15:22,012 And it didn't change your mind? 381 00:15:22,086 --> 00:15:23,178 It did not. 382 00:15:23,288 --> 00:15:24,277 Michael, that's awful. 383 00:15:24,355 --> 00:15:25,344 Isn't it? 384 00:15:25,423 --> 00:15:26,720 Yes. I'm awful, aren't I? 385 00:15:26,791 --> 00:15:27,883 Yeah, that's pretty... 386 00:15:27,959 --> 00:15:29,358 I'm an awful guy. Ooh! 387 00:15:29,427 --> 00:15:30,655 How can you live with yourself? 388 00:15:30,728 --> 00:15:32,628 I am what I am, Oscar. 389 00:15:32,931 --> 00:15:36,423 And I want what I want. And right now I want a piece of cake. 390 00:15:36,968 --> 00:15:40,665 From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for. 391 00:15:40,738 --> 00:15:43,400 That is a dangerous game, friend-o. 392 00:15:43,741 --> 00:15:45,072 Well, because I thought that it was 393 00:15:45,143 --> 00:15:46,701 a book about Anthropologie, the store. 394 00:15:46,778 --> 00:15:48,678 I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore. 395 00:15:48,746 --> 00:15:50,236 Because it's next to the baby section, okay? 396 00:15:50,315 --> 00:15:52,715 Well, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning, 397 00:15:52,784 --> 00:15:54,445 when you said, "I read a book about anthropology." 398 00:15:54,519 --> 00:15:56,350 I don't even know why you're screaming at me right now. 399 00:15:56,421 --> 00:15:57,683 I'm not screaming. I'm not screaming. 400 00:15:58,122 --> 00:15:59,987 That's Meredith's cake. It's her birthday. 401 00:16:00,058 --> 00:16:01,582 I don't care. 402 00:16:01,659 --> 00:16:04,059 I have an appetite for life. 403 00:16:05,830 --> 00:16:07,024 Mmm. 404 00:16:08,266 --> 00:16:10,131 God, that's lemon. 405 00:16:11,169 --> 00:16:14,832 Good for you, man. Good for you. 406 00:16:18,776 --> 00:16:20,744 He takes what he wants. 407 00:16:23,081 --> 00:16:24,571 You know what? 408 00:16:24,649 --> 00:16:27,379 I think you're attractive and I want to sleep with you. 409 00:16:27,652 --> 00:16:28,710 What about Kelly? 410 00:16:29,287 --> 00:16:30,618 You read my mind. 411 00:16:31,089 --> 00:16:32,249 Is this a joke? 412 00:16:32,924 --> 00:16:34,186 Yep. 413 00:16:36,694 --> 00:16:38,025 It's hard to live that way, man. 414 00:16:38,096 --> 00:16:40,860 You gotta really not care what people think about you, right? 415 00:16:41,366 --> 00:16:44,233 I don't know how you do it, Michael. I can't be that cold. 416 00:16:45,470 --> 00:16:47,165 You'll learn, baby, you'll learn. 417 00:16:53,911 --> 00:16:57,005 I am an honorable man and I will honor the contract. 418 00:16:57,515 --> 00:16:59,312 But I don't have to give her the good stuff. 419 00:16:59,751 --> 00:17:03,152 Schrute sperm are strong, but they're no match for a grown Schrute man. 420 00:17:04,422 --> 00:17:06,720 Let's see what she gets. 421 00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:13,622 Boss, we're out of paper. 422 00:17:13,698 --> 00:17:14,756 Yeah, I noticed that. 423 00:17:14,832 --> 00:17:16,732 Aren't you gonna add any more? Nope. 424 00:17:17,201 --> 00:17:19,431 He don't give an F about nothing. 425 00:17:19,737 --> 00:17:21,932 I have got big balls. 426 00:17:23,207 --> 00:17:24,697 I don't think I'm gonna make it. 427 00:17:24,776 --> 00:17:26,505 What about an energy drink or something? 428 00:17:26,878 --> 00:17:30,245 It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later. 429 00:17:30,448 --> 00:17:31,676 Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it. 430 00:17:31,749 --> 00:17:33,114 Well, it does and it doesn't. 431 00:17:34,118 --> 00:17:36,382 I probably shouldn't tell you this, 432 00:17:36,454 --> 00:17:40,151 but a lot guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, 433 00:17:40,224 --> 00:17:41,282 so we have a place. 434 00:17:41,893 --> 00:17:42,882 A place? 435 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,086 A restful location. 436 00:17:44,729 --> 00:17:46,663 Talk to Glen, he'll take you up in the lift. 437 00:17:47,065 --> 00:17:48,532 You sleep in the warehouse? 438 00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:52,163 Light bulb's burned out, so it's dark. 439 00:17:52,970 --> 00:17:56,098 And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. 440 00:17:56,607 --> 00:17:59,542 Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. 441 00:18:00,611 --> 00:18:04,069 But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist. Okay? 442 00:18:04,148 --> 00:18:05,410 Okay. Pam? 443 00:18:05,683 --> 00:18:06,843 Okay. 444 00:18:08,486 --> 00:18:09,510 For your signature. 445 00:18:09,587 --> 00:18:10,611 Okay. 446 00:18:16,527 --> 00:18:17,516 Phyllis? 447 00:18:19,597 --> 00:18:20,689 Okay, look at me. 448 00:18:23,034 --> 00:18:26,868 Phyllis, look at... Okay, that's... 449 00:18:27,672 --> 00:18:31,199 All right, all right, you know what? I'm sick of this. 450 00:18:31,275 --> 00:18:34,176 I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. 451 00:18:34,245 --> 00:18:36,736 If you think that's going to have any effect on me, 452 00:18:36,814 --> 00:18:37,940 it will not. 453 00:18:38,015 --> 00:18:41,917 I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna. 454 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,582 Why not your condo? 455 00:18:43,821 --> 00:18:47,450 Because a motel is dirty, and it is sexy. 456 00:18:47,892 --> 00:18:50,156 Like me and like Donna. 457 00:18:50,661 --> 00:18:53,755 And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate. 458 00:18:53,831 --> 00:18:55,526 Michael, will you drop it? 459 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,398 Everybody's spoken their mind and no one's changing their mind. 460 00:18:58,569 --> 00:19:01,231 Okay, Morgan Freeman narrating everything. 461 00:19:01,305 --> 00:19:03,068 Do you want someone to stop you? Because no one's going to. 462 00:19:03,141 --> 00:19:05,336 Nobody better try to stop me. 463 00:19:07,245 --> 00:19:08,234 Good. 464 00:19:09,413 --> 00:19:11,176 I could have stopped him. 465 00:19:18,322 --> 00:19:19,721 Are you warmed up? No. 466 00:19:19,857 --> 00:19:21,916 God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility? 467 00:19:24,562 --> 00:19:25,756 What did you do to yourself? 468 00:19:25,830 --> 00:19:27,388 Never mind. Just... Never mind. 469 00:19:28,065 --> 00:19:30,033 - Well, it better work. - It'll work. 470 00:19:31,269 --> 00:19:32,896 Stop kissing me. 471 00:19:32,970 --> 00:19:34,130 It's not in the contract. 472 00:20:12,610 --> 00:20:15,101 How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? 473 00:20:15,479 --> 00:20:18,607 Good. Moral. I feel proud. 474 00:20:19,150 --> 00:20:20,310 Like a grown-up. 475 00:20:21,485 --> 00:20:25,114 That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. 476 00:20:25,690 --> 00:20:27,385 I'm a little bit emotional right now 477 00:20:27,458 --> 00:20:32,054 because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. 478 00:20:32,396 --> 00:20:35,331 At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. 479 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,893 And it was either living with myself 480 00:20:39,704 --> 00:20:41,638 or being happy. 481 00:20:44,875 --> 00:20:46,342 And I picked 482 00:20:47,178 --> 00:20:48,167 the 483 00:20:50,281 --> 00:20:51,270 former. 484 00:20:55,386 --> 00:20:57,217 Michael Scott? Yes? 485 00:20:57,855 --> 00:20:59,550 Do you want to make a comment on the rumors? 486 00:20:59,624 --> 00:21:00,886 Um... 487 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:04,285 I have done some very bad things. 488 00:21:05,062 --> 00:21:06,962 Things of which I'm not proud. 489 00:21:07,198 --> 00:21:10,827 I would like to publicly apologize 490 00:21:11,769 --> 00:21:13,327 to the coach and the players, 491 00:21:13,971 --> 00:21:16,633 and I vow to never 492 00:21:17,208 --> 00:21:21,304 listen to my bodily instincts ever again. 493 00:21:22,546 --> 00:21:24,878 I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire. 494 00:21:25,082 --> 00:21:29,610 Oh! Okay, I was talking about... What's going on?