1 00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:58,849 They're fighting again! 2 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,148 Oh, boy. 3 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,985 Don't! Wait! Not my homework! 4 00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,570 No! Stop it! No! 5 00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:13,280 Problem, gentlemen? 6 00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:14,865 Hey, dork-brain! 7 00:01:15,116 --> 00:01:21,016 If you weren't a girl, I'd beat your face off. 8 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,581 You're calling me a girl? 9 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,124 You called me one! 10 00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:25,918 You asked for it. 11 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:28,687 Ow! 12 00:01:31,384 --> 00:01:33,010 Now get out of here! 13 00:01:38,517 --> 00:01:40,017 Forget those guys. 14 00:01:40,185 --> 00:01:43,521 They're jealous because you're smart and funny. 15 00:01:43,688 --> 00:01:45,689 And girls like that. 16 00:01:45,941 --> 00:01:47,608 What girls? 17 00:01:48,026 --> 00:01:49,652 Lots of girls. 18 00:01:50,112 --> 00:01:52,863 I mean... I like you. 19 00:01:53,031 --> 00:01:56,951 I don't like you. Now everybody thinks I need a girl to fight for me. 20 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,328 You are a dork-brain. 21 00:02:03,667 --> 00:02:05,000 My nose! 22 00:02:08,421 --> 00:02:09,521 Wimp! 23 00:02:29,901 --> 00:02:31,735 Moe and Larry in the house. 24 00:02:34,573 --> 00:02:36,325 Grant, what have we got out back? 25 00:02:37,077 --> 00:02:38,452 All clear here, sir. 26 00:02:38,912 --> 00:02:40,329 Matthews, what do you got? 27 00:02:41,498 --> 00:02:43,583 Returnable cans, sir. 28 00:02:43,917 --> 00:02:45,751 I think I'm up to 75 cents. 29 00:02:47,337 --> 00:02:48,713 CLONSKY: Hey, we got a cab. 30 00:02:50,757 --> 00:02:52,216 Here comes Curly. 31 00:03:13,614 --> 00:03:15,072 Yep, the Three Stooges. 32 00:03:22,623 --> 00:03:24,874 Check it out, lvan's packing. 33 00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:41,809 Thank you! We've got a briefcase. 34 00:03:42,019 --> 00:03:44,145 Hart, waiting for visual confirmation. 35 00:03:44,313 --> 00:03:45,939 No disc yet. 36 00:03:50,778 --> 00:03:52,403 Case is opening. 37 00:03:54,573 --> 00:03:56,407 This woman's ass is in the way. 38 00:03:59,328 --> 00:04:03,248 Hart, we can't see a goddamn thing. We need to see the discs. 39 00:04:05,167 --> 00:04:07,945 - This broad's got two asses! - Hart, do something! 40 00:04:08,254 --> 00:04:09,587 Excuse me. 41 00:04:10,130 --> 00:04:11,673 You wanting something else? 42 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:15,468 Yeah. You know what? I really love this borscht. 43 00:04:16,303 --> 00:04:18,179 Or, as they say in Russian: 44 00:04:23,435 --> 00:04:26,271 - All right, Hart. We got the discs. - We're moving in! 45 00:04:42,454 --> 00:04:44,205 FBI! Get down on the ground! Now! 46 00:04:44,373 --> 00:04:46,167 - Get down on the ground! - Do it! 47 00:04:46,544 --> 00:04:48,878 Keep your hands where I can see them! 48 00:04:52,174 --> 00:04:53,274 No English. 49 00:05:05,646 --> 00:05:10,233 Hart! Nobody moves until I see some goddamn "Lazhitsa na pol"! 50 00:05:15,614 --> 00:05:17,240 Sir, he's turning purple! 51 00:05:17,616 --> 00:05:20,076 Hart, until we secure, you stay. 52 00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:28,001 - Sir. - Hart! 53 00:05:29,086 --> 00:05:32,589 Sir, that is one really, really purple Russian, sir! 54 00:05:32,757 --> 00:05:35,258 MCDONALD: He's still armed! Nobody moves! 55 00:05:35,426 --> 00:05:37,510 Hands up! Back off! Back off! 56 00:05:40,681 --> 00:05:42,640 - No, sir. He's not gonna die. - Hart! 57 00:05:42,850 --> 00:05:44,559 He's not good enough for that. 58 00:05:45,561 --> 00:05:49,939 His victims didn't get a chance to choke on a peanut, did they, sir? 59 00:05:51,736 --> 00:05:53,111 Now you're going down. 60 00:05:55,948 --> 00:05:58,742 Drop the guns or I'll kill her. 61 00:05:59,702 --> 00:06:00,856 KRASHOW: Lvan, out the back. 62 00:06:00,953 --> 00:06:04,081 You're not killing anyone, you peanut-eating bastard. 63 00:06:06,626 --> 00:06:08,418 Step back! 64 00:06:11,756 --> 00:06:14,132 Move it! Move it! 65 00:06:33,277 --> 00:06:34,377 Party's over, boys. 66 00:06:40,326 --> 00:06:42,494 How's your head, my little piroshki? 67 00:06:43,329 --> 00:06:46,998 This is gonna put you away for a long time. You know that? 68 00:06:47,333 --> 00:06:49,334 Let's get that ambulance in here! 69 00:06:51,087 --> 00:06:53,672 - Shut up! - Stay with me, all right? 70 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,967 - I'm sorry. - Don't be sorry. You did a great job! 71 00:07:12,026 --> 00:07:14,820 Nice work. See you back there, okay? 72 00:07:19,617 --> 00:07:22,453 Come on, Hart. The van's waiting. 73 00:07:22,829 --> 00:07:25,831 I got Grant shot. I shouldn't have moved. 74 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,958 Come on, you made a choice. 75 00:07:28,168 --> 00:07:30,961 It was wrong, but that's it. It's over. 76 00:07:31,254 --> 00:07:34,047 By the way, you look like hell. 77 00:09:37,259 --> 00:09:39,781 - Morning, Mrs. Schwartz. Schnatzie. - Good morning, Gracie. 78 00:09:41,179 --> 00:09:42,430 Hart. 79 00:09:42,764 --> 00:09:43,889 Yes, sir. 80 00:09:44,099 --> 00:09:46,392 ETA, 20 minutes. 81 00:09:46,685 --> 00:09:49,145 No problem. Breakdown? 82 00:09:50,355 --> 00:09:53,899 Yes, sir. Negative. Do not need assistance. 83 00:09:54,443 --> 00:09:56,777 Ten-four, sir. Yes, I know it's hot. 84 00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:23,473 Hey, you cannot park... 85 00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,937 It's an emergency. Official business. 86 00:10:30,147 --> 00:10:32,565 Ma'am, aside, please. Thank you. 87 00:10:32,816 --> 00:10:35,318 Official business, sir. Emergency. Step aside. 88 00:10:35,527 --> 00:10:37,570 Hey, get lost! I'm waiting here. 89 00:10:37,821 --> 00:10:39,906 FBI. You might want to stay out of this. 90 00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:43,242 Excuse me. Sir, ma'am, please back off. 91 00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:47,580 All right. I need eight double-tall... 92 00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:53,002 Eight double-tall lattes. One with no foam. 93 00:10:53,212 --> 00:10:55,880 Five decaf lattes with a long straw. 94 00:10:56,090 --> 00:11:00,093 Four caramel macchiattos. Double up on the cup. I got a long way to go. 95 00:11:00,344 --> 00:11:03,471 Two blueberry scones with the little granules on top... 96 00:11:03,681 --> 00:11:05,556 ...and one Starbucks compilation CD. 97 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,060 - No! I would like... - Oh, jeez. 98 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,237 What's going on? Where's McDonald? 99 00:11:19,448 --> 00:11:21,908 Could we put out an APB on my Frappuccino? 100 00:11:22,118 --> 00:11:25,453 It's in the bag. Did he say anything about last night? 101 00:11:25,621 --> 00:11:29,207 Relax. Don't annoy him. Don't say anything. Don't argue. 102 00:11:29,417 --> 00:11:32,127 I don't argue. I never argue. When do I argue? 103 00:11:32,378 --> 00:11:35,296 I might have a heated discussion with somebody. 104 00:11:35,548 --> 00:11:38,466 Is this you not arguing? Because you suck at it. 105 00:11:38,634 --> 00:11:40,135 MCDONALD: Morning, everybody. 106 00:11:40,594 --> 00:11:42,512 Morning, sir. It's... 107 00:11:43,431 --> 00:11:44,531 Sir. 108 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:46,224 Okay, everybody. 109 00:11:46,642 --> 00:11:50,228 I know you're all concerned about Grant's condition. 110 00:11:50,438 --> 00:11:52,605 So I'm happy to report... 111 00:11:53,149 --> 00:11:56,735 ...Jerry's gonna be fine. He'll be out of the hospital in two weeks. 112 00:11:56,944 --> 00:11:58,526 He says he's expecting lots of gifts. 113 00:12:00,072 --> 00:12:01,823 Okay, everybody. 114 00:12:02,366 --> 00:12:06,161 So much for the good news. We got another letter from the Citizen. 115 00:12:06,829 --> 00:12:08,872 Arson, explosives, poison... 116 00:12:09,081 --> 00:12:11,791 ...this guy never works the same way twice. 117 00:12:13,377 --> 00:12:15,503 The only thing we know for sure... 118 00:12:16,005 --> 00:12:19,007 ...is, we get these letters full of incomprehensible riddles... 119 00:12:19,258 --> 00:12:21,676 ...he strikes and suddenly the clues make sense. 120 00:12:22,678 --> 00:12:24,596 This one is down in Intelligence. 121 00:12:24,805 --> 00:12:27,851 Hopefully, we'll get a lead before somebody gets killed. 122 00:12:28,019 --> 00:12:29,186 In the meantime... 123 00:12:29,479 --> 00:12:32,314 ...Matthews, get a team together. 124 00:12:32,648 --> 00:12:35,400 Sir, you want me to take point? 125 00:12:35,610 --> 00:12:37,694 For five years you've wanted it. 126 00:12:37,945 --> 00:12:41,281 Last night, you earned it. Pick your team. 127 00:12:41,491 --> 00:12:44,159 I want preliminaries by 3. That's it. 128 00:12:45,328 --> 00:12:46,428 Sir...? 129 00:12:49,957 --> 00:12:51,374 Who's buying me lunch? 130 00:12:51,542 --> 00:12:54,878 Sir, I would like to talk about what happened last night. 131 00:12:55,046 --> 00:12:56,713 I didn't exactly follow orders... 132 00:12:56,964 --> 00:12:59,382 "Exactly" follow orders? There's no such thing. 133 00:12:59,550 --> 00:13:01,551 You follow orders or you don't. 134 00:13:01,719 --> 00:13:03,720 No arguments, sir. None whatsoever. 135 00:13:03,971 --> 00:13:05,931 Until the hearing, you're out of the field. 136 00:13:06,140 --> 00:13:08,350 The hearing is totally warranted. 137 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:11,186 Wouldn't I be better on the Citizen case? 138 00:13:11,395 --> 00:13:13,730 I have a background in profiling and decoding. 139 00:13:13,981 --> 00:13:15,232 - No. - I could contribute. 140 00:13:15,483 --> 00:13:17,067 Like you contributed last night? 141 00:13:17,235 --> 00:13:19,319 By putting yourself and five agents in jeopardy? 142 00:13:19,529 --> 00:13:21,696 I'll save the rest for the review board. 143 00:13:21,906 --> 00:13:25,075 You will bury yourself under a mountain of paperwork. 144 00:13:25,326 --> 00:13:27,244 Discussion is over. 145 00:13:45,181 --> 00:13:47,432 Mike, give me a pint. 146 00:13:47,851 --> 00:13:49,017 Rough day? 147 00:13:49,352 --> 00:13:50,853 The worst. 148 00:13:51,062 --> 00:13:52,396 Sure you want a whole one? 149 00:13:53,022 --> 00:13:55,732 Yeah. Hit me bigtime, baby. 150 00:13:55,984 --> 00:14:00,571 Hey, Einstein. If you figure out that Citizen letter, let me know. 151 00:14:02,615 --> 00:14:05,576 Congratulations on the op. It's a big shot. 152 00:14:06,202 --> 00:14:07,369 Thanks. 153 00:14:07,787 --> 00:14:09,621 How are you doing? You okay? 154 00:14:09,873 --> 00:14:11,290 I'm good. 155 00:14:13,459 --> 00:14:14,877 You're starting early today. 156 00:14:15,086 --> 00:14:17,921 Yeah, I'm gonna get chip-faced. Want to join me? 157 00:14:18,214 --> 00:14:21,258 I'd love to, but I have a pressing social engagement. 158 00:14:21,926 --> 00:14:23,026 Beth! 159 00:14:23,553 --> 00:14:24,887 Brownie meeting. 160 00:14:25,096 --> 00:14:27,598 - Mike, give me a beer and... - Um... 161 00:14:27,932 --> 00:14:29,433 Milk. Give her milk. 162 00:14:29,809 --> 00:14:31,560 White wine spritzer. 163 00:14:31,811 --> 00:14:34,229 Are most of the people in here agents? 164 00:14:34,439 --> 00:14:37,526 As a matter of fact, here's an agent. Gracie Hart. 165 00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:39,278 Beth Carter. 166 00:14:41,072 --> 00:14:42,323 Right back to you. 167 00:14:42,574 --> 00:14:46,160 Beth is an undergrad at Vassar, doing a paper on law enforcement. 168 00:14:46,411 --> 00:14:48,245 I'm helping her get an inside look. 169 00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:50,623 I bet she'll do the same for you. 170 00:14:50,916 --> 00:14:54,126 Gracie, I would love to get a woman's point of view. 171 00:14:54,336 --> 00:14:57,671 You're barking up the wrong tree. Right, Hart? 172 00:14:59,090 --> 00:15:02,468 Do all the women have to wear those really masculine shoes? 173 00:15:05,847 --> 00:15:09,433 I get these made special by the guy that put the tattoo on my ass. 174 00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:12,436 We'll leave you with Ben and Jerry. Catch you later. 175 00:15:12,646 --> 00:15:15,314 - Nice meeting you. - You too. 176 00:15:17,609 --> 00:15:19,652 Hope you have a good time at the mall. 177 00:15:20,070 --> 00:15:21,570 Wohop is the place. 178 00:15:21,780 --> 00:15:25,115 Wohop is good, but if you like variety, you go to La Chinita Linda. 179 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:26,784 Their rice and beans are slamming. 180 00:15:26,993 --> 00:15:29,703 I don't want variety. I get pork fried rice every... 181 00:15:29,871 --> 00:15:33,123 I figured it out! I tried to create a content-based pattern... 182 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:34,829 ...similar to his previous letters. 183 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,669 But this time, he used a signifier. 184 00:15:36,878 --> 00:15:39,213 In this case, the word "miss"... 185 00:15:39,381 --> 00:15:43,010 ...in the subsequent letters. Will you let me finish? 186 00:15:43,220 --> 00:15:45,221 It's the Miss United States Pageant. 187 00:15:45,472 --> 00:15:48,224 Yeah. Intelligence thought so too. 188 00:15:48,517 --> 00:15:49,892 What do we got? 189 00:15:50,394 --> 00:15:53,562 Miss United States from San Antonio, Texas, home of the Alamo. 190 00:15:53,814 --> 00:15:55,106 I forgot the Alamo. 191 00:15:55,315 --> 00:15:58,484 The pageant lasts three days. Preliminaries, conferences... 192 00:15:58,694 --> 00:16:01,570 ...the live telecast. It's a logistical nightmare. 193 00:16:01,738 --> 00:16:03,072 Not just a babe-fest. 194 00:16:03,740 --> 00:16:06,659 Jesus, we've only got 48 hours. 195 00:16:06,994 --> 00:16:08,995 Okay, gentlemen. 196 00:16:09,746 --> 00:16:11,247 Where do we start? 197 00:16:14,543 --> 00:16:16,669 I got a cousin in Texas. 198 00:16:17,087 --> 00:16:21,007 You might want to call the network and pageant people. Set up a meeting. 199 00:16:23,218 --> 00:16:26,345 Because you'll probably need their cooperation. 200 00:16:26,930 --> 00:16:28,097 Yeah. 201 00:16:28,265 --> 00:16:30,433 Yeah, I can do that. Let's do that. 202 00:16:30,684 --> 00:16:32,268 What about jurisdiction? 203 00:16:32,644 --> 00:16:35,021 The Citizen has been ours from the start. 204 00:16:35,230 --> 00:16:37,606 You might want to call San Antonio. 205 00:16:37,774 --> 00:16:40,067 Grease some wheels so they like us... 206 00:16:40,277 --> 00:16:41,861 ...when we need manpower and tech. 207 00:16:42,070 --> 00:16:43,446 While I'm at it, let's do that. 208 00:16:43,780 --> 00:16:44,880 Good idea. 209 00:16:45,032 --> 00:16:47,744 He loves to make a splash. His target will be public... 210 00:16:47,953 --> 00:16:50,747 ...like one of these outdoor prelims or a TV broadcast. 211 00:16:50,956 --> 00:16:52,790 Telecasters at the convention center. 212 00:16:52,958 --> 00:16:56,753 We're gonna need surveillance on the interior perimeter. 213 00:16:56,962 --> 00:16:59,547 We'll need more. There's a million places... 214 00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:03,384 ...only these bikini-stuffers can go: Backstage areas, hotel rooms... 215 00:17:03,594 --> 00:17:05,470 We need to get somebody in there. 216 00:17:05,679 --> 00:17:07,889 Yeah! Now I'm thinking... 217 00:17:08,724 --> 00:17:09,824 ...undercover. 218 00:17:10,059 --> 00:17:11,476 Good idea, boss. 219 00:17:11,685 --> 00:17:13,061 I got just the girl. 220 00:17:15,647 --> 00:17:17,899 - Huh? Huh? - All right. 221 00:17:18,192 --> 00:17:19,942 That's nothing. Check this out. 222 00:17:20,152 --> 00:17:23,488 Compliments of my daughter: The "Dress Up Sally" web site. 223 00:17:33,332 --> 00:17:34,999 What did I tell you? Hot, right? 224 00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:36,267 Yeah, baby. 225 00:17:36,919 --> 00:17:38,753 You got a little problem. 226 00:17:38,962 --> 00:17:40,296 She's perfect! 227 00:17:40,506 --> 00:17:41,672 Look to the left. 228 00:17:43,759 --> 00:17:45,176 Down... down... 229 00:17:46,178 --> 00:17:48,221 HART: There you go. ERIC: "On maternity leave"? 230 00:17:48,430 --> 00:17:49,680 That's not gonna work. 231 00:17:49,848 --> 00:17:52,602 Not unless it's "The Miss Lamaze Pageant." 232 00:17:58,234 --> 00:18:00,318 Can you do a search? 233 00:18:00,528 --> 00:18:03,363 Female field agents under 35. 234 00:18:15,668 --> 00:18:16,793 Jensen, Jensen! 235 00:18:28,472 --> 00:18:31,850 Wait, wait, wait, wait! I got it, I got it! 236 00:18:42,778 --> 00:18:43,878 Oh, no! 237 00:18:44,029 --> 00:18:45,321 That's right, that's right! 238 00:18:49,076 --> 00:18:51,411 You think that's good? Check this out. 239 00:18:51,662 --> 00:18:53,079 I got the winner right here. 240 00:18:53,289 --> 00:18:54,389 Scorekeepers ready? 241 00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:02,257 This is the best part. 242 00:19:08,055 --> 00:19:09,155 Oh! 243 00:19:15,062 --> 00:19:16,438 He's right behind me, isn't he? 244 00:19:16,606 --> 00:19:18,565 Not really my color, is it? 245 00:19:19,775 --> 00:19:20,942 Sir, we were just... 246 00:19:21,569 --> 00:19:24,279 ...looking for someone to go undercover at the pageant. 247 00:19:25,406 --> 00:19:27,199 And I'm the best we have. 248 00:19:27,408 --> 00:19:29,326 It doesn't inspire much confidence. 249 00:19:30,119 --> 00:19:31,453 Get back to work. 250 00:19:31,954 --> 00:19:35,624 - Hart, shouldn't you be at a desk? - Yes, sir. 251 00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:39,711 You don't say anything? Made me look like an idiot. 252 00:19:39,921 --> 00:19:42,547 Do I have eyes in the back of my head? 253 00:19:42,798 --> 00:19:45,320 - He was standing right behind me. - What were we gonna say? 254 00:19:45,468 --> 00:19:46,593 - What? - This one. 255 00:19:47,637 --> 00:19:49,005 ERIC: Are you kidding? It's Hart. 256 00:19:49,138 --> 00:19:51,556 Cut it off. Let's go back to work. 257 00:19:55,811 --> 00:19:56,911 Very funny. 258 00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:58,605 Hold on. That's not bad. 259 00:19:58,856 --> 00:20:03,401 Hold on, nothing. Hit the save button because you won't see that again. 260 00:20:09,285 --> 00:20:11,495 - What do you say? - No freaking way. 261 00:20:11,663 --> 00:20:12,788 Why not? 262 00:20:12,997 --> 00:20:15,832 I won't parade around in a swimsuit like some bimbo... 263 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,920 ...named Gracie Lou Freebush, and all she wants is world peace. 264 00:20:21,256 --> 00:20:22,589 It wouldn't be like that. 265 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,008 You'd be on the undercover team. 266 00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:27,094 Right. In a thong. 267 00:20:29,097 --> 00:20:30,681 In a tasteful one-piece! 268 00:20:30,932 --> 00:20:33,433 You do a few butt-shaping exercises... 269 00:20:33,685 --> 00:20:35,018 ...you could pull this off. 270 00:20:35,270 --> 00:20:36,812 You know what? Pull this off. 271 00:20:37,021 --> 00:20:38,689 Is it because McDonald hates me? 272 00:20:38,898 --> 00:20:41,024 Or is it, like, a woman thing? 273 00:20:43,945 --> 00:20:46,905 Don't kid yourself. Nobody thinks of you that way. 274 00:20:51,661 --> 00:20:53,287 He's punishing me, isn't he? 275 00:20:53,496 --> 00:20:55,872 I had to beg him to let you do this. 276 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,709 That's right. Like it or not, you screwed up, pal. 277 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,294 Sit down, sit down. 278 00:21:07,552 --> 00:21:10,222 I've never been in a beauty pageant. 279 00:21:10,473 --> 00:21:13,559 I don't even own a dress. I don't even own a brush. 280 00:21:13,810 --> 00:21:15,352 Ow, Jesus. Oh. 281 00:21:16,813 --> 00:21:19,565 Which part of that is supposed to shock me? 282 00:21:28,658 --> 00:21:30,242 Let's suspend reality for a second... 283 00:21:30,493 --> 00:21:31,910 ...and pretend I said yes. 284 00:21:32,078 --> 00:21:34,204 I got to do everything? Like... 285 00:21:34,414 --> 00:21:37,041 ...the whole big hair and the makeup and... 286 00:21:37,250 --> 00:21:38,350 Damn right. 287 00:21:38,460 --> 00:21:42,713 The spinning, the twirling, the smiling, the cute little tap number. 288 00:21:44,257 --> 00:21:45,424 Hundred bucks on Matthews. 289 00:21:46,051 --> 00:21:47,968 I don't know. She's got rage. 290 00:21:50,597 --> 00:21:52,014 I'll take that bet. 291 00:22:00,607 --> 00:22:03,359 - That's right. That's right. - Yeah! 292 00:22:03,526 --> 00:22:05,277 Yeah, baby. 293 00:22:06,988 --> 00:22:08,280 So you're saying... 294 00:22:08,531 --> 00:22:10,866 ...I have to wear the bathing suit? 295 00:22:11,117 --> 00:22:14,370 Yeah, you have to wear the bathing suit. 296 00:22:15,123 --> 00:22:16,290 Okay. 297 00:22:18,877 --> 00:22:20,461 You go, girl. 298 00:22:23,131 --> 00:22:25,132 Where am I gonna put my gun? 299 00:22:25,550 --> 00:22:27,885 No place I want to know about. 300 00:22:29,596 --> 00:22:33,432 What could possibly motivate anybody to enter a beauty pageant? 301 00:22:33,642 --> 00:22:35,935 Scholarship money, a chance to see the world... 302 00:22:36,144 --> 00:22:38,020 ...broaden your horizons... 303 00:22:38,230 --> 00:22:41,565 So join the Marines. It's like feminism never even happened. 304 00:22:41,775 --> 00:22:45,820 Any woman that does this is catering to misogynistic Neanderthal mentality. 305 00:22:46,029 --> 00:22:48,114 I dated Young Miss Scarsdale. 306 00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:50,282 Can you really be this superficial? 307 00:22:50,492 --> 00:22:52,159 Hard to believe, right? 308 00:22:52,327 --> 00:22:53,427 Here we are. 309 00:22:54,079 --> 00:22:56,664 Therefore, we'd like to use one of our team undercover. 310 00:22:56,832 --> 00:22:58,582 Am I hearing this correctly? 311 00:22:58,792 --> 00:23:03,170 Kathy, these people want to put one of their agents... 312 00:23:03,588 --> 00:23:04,839 ...in the pageant. 313 00:23:05,090 --> 00:23:06,190 They want her to win? 314 00:23:06,425 --> 00:23:08,050 No, ma'am. 315 00:23:08,927 --> 00:23:11,137 We will need your help with the judging... 316 00:23:11,346 --> 00:23:13,681 ...so our agent is in the top five... 317 00:23:13,932 --> 00:23:16,851 ...to have access to all the areas at all times. 318 00:23:17,102 --> 00:23:19,353 - Absolutely not. - Miss Morningside... 319 00:23:19,688 --> 00:23:21,911 ...we understand how important this beauty pageant... 320 00:23:21,984 --> 00:23:23,359 Excuse me. 321 00:23:23,694 --> 00:23:25,778 This is not a beauty pageant. 322 00:23:25,988 --> 00:23:28,030 This is a scholarship program. 323 00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:30,992 And it has been ever since my reign. 324 00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:34,203 I fully intend on maintaining that credo. 325 00:23:34,455 --> 00:23:35,908 Absolutely, Miss Morningside. 326 00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:38,666 We're here to protect the girls. Women. 327 00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:40,126 Scholarship ladies. 328 00:23:41,628 --> 00:23:45,631 There's nothing more important to me than the safety of my girls. 329 00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:48,718 I'd rather cancel the pageant than have them blown up. 330 00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:50,845 Especially without their knowledge. 331 00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:54,724 We went to the network to cancel, but they refused. 332 00:23:54,975 --> 00:23:56,142 We can't force them. 333 00:23:57,728 --> 00:23:58,853 I'm confused. 334 00:23:59,062 --> 00:24:00,897 What state is she going to be from? 335 00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,065 All the winners have been chosen. 336 00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:07,904 We recently discovered some information about Miss New Jersey. 337 00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:11,741 And her performance in a little film called Arma Get It On. 338 00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:13,910 Was that her? 339 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:15,536 Oh, yeah! 340 00:24:16,205 --> 00:24:19,415 She was gonna drop out pretty soon, if you know what I mean. 341 00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:26,090 Do you have an agent in mind? 342 00:24:30,888 --> 00:24:31,988 Sorry. 343 00:24:33,766 --> 00:24:36,518 Let me get you Victor Melling's number. 344 00:24:36,685 --> 00:24:37,785 Frank. 345 00:24:37,937 --> 00:24:39,521 He's our pageant consultant. 346 00:24:40,064 --> 00:24:41,231 Frank. 347 00:24:41,774 --> 00:24:43,566 Maybe he can do something to help. 348 00:24:43,776 --> 00:24:44,876 Frank! 349 00:24:45,444 --> 00:24:47,362 Oh! Just one minute. 350 00:24:49,365 --> 00:24:51,199 This is my assistant, Frank Tobin. 351 00:24:51,575 --> 00:24:53,243 Hi, everyone. 352 00:24:53,452 --> 00:24:56,246 Would you get these people Victor's number, please? 353 00:24:56,455 --> 00:24:57,789 And get me a spring water. 354 00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,624 And tuck in your shirt. 355 00:25:01,377 --> 00:25:03,962 That, that was... a water for you... 356 00:25:04,171 --> 00:25:05,463 ...and... 357 00:25:05,714 --> 00:25:08,174 Victor Melling's number. 358 00:25:17,977 --> 00:25:20,144 Thank you. Thank you. 359 00:25:23,232 --> 00:25:24,566 Mr. Melling. 360 00:25:24,775 --> 00:25:25,875 How are you? 361 00:25:30,614 --> 00:25:34,119 If you are Grace Hart, I quit here and now. 362 00:25:36,622 --> 00:25:38,415 I'm having a bad hair day. 363 00:25:39,208 --> 00:25:41,084 Bad hair decade, really. 364 00:25:41,335 --> 00:25:43,003 I'm Eric Matthews. We spoke. 365 00:25:43,337 --> 00:25:44,838 Your hair is perfect. 366 00:25:45,006 --> 00:25:46,923 However, I can't accept this job. 367 00:25:47,174 --> 00:25:50,010 There's no way I can make this woman ready in two days. 368 00:25:50,344 --> 00:25:53,763 Please, Mr. Melling, give it a chance. Sit down. 369 00:25:53,973 --> 00:25:56,224 Have lunch. Totally on the Bureau. 370 00:25:56,809 --> 00:25:59,978 I suppose that would be the civilized thing to do. 371 00:26:01,522 --> 00:26:05,358 I'll take a rain check. I got to take care of some FBI stuff. 372 00:26:05,526 --> 00:26:08,361 That thing I told you about that I gotta do. 373 00:26:08,529 --> 00:26:11,531 But I'll see you later. We'll hang out. You like caps? 374 00:26:12,283 --> 00:26:14,367 I'll get you an official FBI cap. 375 00:26:15,036 --> 00:26:16,244 See you later. 376 00:26:17,288 --> 00:26:18,455 What a pity. 377 00:26:19,624 --> 00:26:21,541 - Are you hungry? - Yeah. 378 00:26:21,751 --> 00:26:23,752 - Yes. - Yeah. 379 00:26:24,045 --> 00:26:27,380 It is always "yes," never "yeah." Sit down. 380 00:26:28,674 --> 00:26:32,677 Miss United States is always well-spoken and polite. 381 00:26:32,887 --> 00:26:34,137 Do you understand? 382 00:26:34,347 --> 00:26:35,680 Watch the hands, garçon. 383 00:26:35,890 --> 00:26:37,517 - Excuse me. - It's all right. 384 00:26:38,061 --> 00:26:41,229 I have a feeling we're going to need a drop cloth later. 385 00:26:54,077 --> 00:26:56,495 VICTOR: Could I have another cabernet sauvignon? 386 00:26:56,704 --> 00:26:58,246 Another keg for you? 387 00:26:58,665 --> 00:27:01,333 - I'm good, thanks. - That's okay, Philip. 388 00:27:01,584 --> 00:27:05,253 So, how long have you been doing this pageant-training thing? 389 00:27:05,421 --> 00:27:06,521 I'm sorry? 390 00:27:07,006 --> 00:27:11,426 What was the question? I was distracted by a half-masticated cow... 391 00:27:11,678 --> 00:27:14,596 ...rolling around in your wide-open trap. 392 00:27:14,847 --> 00:27:16,598 Excuse me? What is your problem? 393 00:27:16,849 --> 00:27:17,949 - Problem? - Yeah. 394 00:27:18,184 --> 00:27:20,727 I mean, yes. Have I offended you in some way? 395 00:27:20,937 --> 00:27:24,940 You've been completely antagonistic to me from the second I walked in. 396 00:27:25,191 --> 00:27:27,901 I was once the most sought-after, highly paid... 397 00:27:28,111 --> 00:27:30,237 ...consultant in pageant history. 398 00:27:30,446 --> 00:27:32,447 I had no idea. 399 00:27:33,616 --> 00:27:37,452 Every season, girls would plead with me to train them. 400 00:27:37,745 --> 00:27:39,913 Ten out of 11 years... 401 00:27:40,123 --> 00:27:42,124 ...my girls were crowned. 402 00:27:42,375 --> 00:27:45,838 The year we lost, the winner was a deaf-mute. 403 00:27:46,131 --> 00:27:47,756 You can't beat that. 404 00:27:50,301 --> 00:27:51,401 Then... 405 00:27:52,345 --> 00:27:53,971 ...in '96... 406 00:27:54,389 --> 00:27:58,058 ...my girl froze like a puddle halfway through her aria from La Bohème. 407 00:27:58,601 --> 00:28:01,895 Afterwards, she told a reporter from Pageant Magazine... 408 00:28:02,105 --> 00:28:03,856 ...that I was a perfectionist... 409 00:28:04,065 --> 00:28:07,735 ...who had harangued her to within an inch of her sanity. 410 00:28:08,111 --> 00:28:11,488 Of course, after that article came out... 411 00:28:13,074 --> 00:28:14,825 ...nobody wanted me. 412 00:28:18,913 --> 00:28:21,665 Okay. With all due respect here... 413 00:28:21,916 --> 00:28:24,376 ...why did Miss Morningside suggest you? 414 00:28:24,627 --> 00:28:27,337 Because I am the best. 415 00:28:31,009 --> 00:28:35,179 Or perhaps it's because everyone else worth having had a contestant. 416 00:28:35,805 --> 00:28:39,767 They had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters. 417 00:28:39,976 --> 00:28:42,895 Spunky Western cowgirls. 418 00:28:43,146 --> 00:28:44,246 And I have... 419 00:28:46,316 --> 00:28:47,816 ...Dirty Harriet. 420 00:28:51,865 --> 00:28:53,616 Will you desist? 421 00:28:53,950 --> 00:28:55,050 Yeah. 422 00:28:55,202 --> 00:28:56,786 Yes. 423 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:03,459 Oh, my God. 424 00:29:03,668 --> 00:29:05,878 I haven't seen a walk like that since Jurassic Park. 425 00:29:06,046 --> 00:29:10,132 It's been working really well for me for the past 30 years, all right? 426 00:29:10,342 --> 00:29:12,301 Well, glide, now. Glide. 427 00:29:13,845 --> 00:29:15,387 Don't look down, don't look down. 428 00:29:15,555 --> 00:29:20,142 Don't look down, look up. Your chin should be parallel to the floor. 429 00:29:20,352 --> 00:29:21,936 Now glide. Glide. 430 00:29:22,687 --> 00:29:25,064 It's not the bloody Ice Capades. 431 00:29:25,315 --> 00:29:26,816 Gliding. 432 00:29:27,651 --> 00:29:31,070 No, no. Don't pick your feet up. Don't pick your feet up. 433 00:29:31,404 --> 00:29:32,822 Why are you picking your feet up? 434 00:29:33,073 --> 00:29:34,824 Because I'm preparing to run away. 435 00:29:35,033 --> 00:29:36,700 - No, wait. Wait. - What? 436 00:29:36,868 --> 00:29:37,968 Watch me. 437 00:29:38,078 --> 00:29:39,829 Glide. Glide. 438 00:29:43,500 --> 00:29:45,167 See? Glide. 439 00:29:45,377 --> 00:29:48,087 It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty? 440 00:29:48,547 --> 00:29:51,257 It takes a very secure man to walk like that. 441 00:29:55,180 --> 00:29:56,597 Roll your hips. 442 00:29:56,849 --> 00:29:59,684 Head up, head up. Keep gliding... 443 00:30:00,602 --> 00:30:01,894 I'm gliding here! 444 00:30:02,104 --> 00:30:03,258 CABBIE: What are you, blind? 445 00:30:03,397 --> 00:30:04,772 Asshole. 446 00:30:39,808 --> 00:30:42,643 VICTOR: Look how she walks. She's floating. 447 00:30:42,895 --> 00:30:46,230 Lightly ascending from cloud to cloud... 448 00:30:46,607 --> 00:30:48,149 ...towards heaven. 449 00:30:49,818 --> 00:30:52,069 He takes one look at that fake rack... 450 00:30:52,279 --> 00:30:54,155 ...he's gonna send her right back. 451 00:30:57,117 --> 00:31:00,955 Look, she's gonna cry again. "If I only had a brain!" 452 00:31:01,957 --> 00:31:04,626 I am somewhat less than amused. 453 00:31:12,509 --> 00:31:14,135 How's she doing? 454 00:31:15,346 --> 00:31:17,555 With some intensive work... 455 00:31:17,848 --> 00:31:21,100 ...she'll be ready for the world's finest trailer park. 456 00:31:22,061 --> 00:31:23,311 Thank you! 457 00:31:27,608 --> 00:31:29,192 Both painful... 458 00:31:29,443 --> 00:31:30,944 ...and grotesque. 459 00:31:31,362 --> 00:31:32,695 Isn't it? 460 00:31:37,159 --> 00:31:38,826 Oh, my God! 461 00:31:49,046 --> 00:31:52,340 Mr. Vic, we got everything you asked for. Where do we start? 462 00:31:52,549 --> 00:31:54,676 Teeth, hair, manicure, pedicure. 463 00:31:54,885 --> 00:31:56,094 Which one first? 464 00:31:56,345 --> 00:31:58,638 What are you gonna do to my teeth? 465 00:31:58,847 --> 00:32:02,225 Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue. 466 00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:06,231 Can't I get some Novocain? 467 00:32:06,482 --> 00:32:07,899 It's only a cleaning. 468 00:32:08,150 --> 00:32:10,402 Sweeney Todd, what are you doing? 469 00:32:10,695 --> 00:32:12,529 Your hair should make a statement. 470 00:32:12,738 --> 00:32:15,615 As long as it's not, "Thanks for the Country Music Award." 471 00:32:15,825 --> 00:32:17,909 You'll be lucky if I can get it untangled. 472 00:32:18,119 --> 00:32:19,219 No mercy. 473 00:32:19,370 --> 00:32:20,578 Can I borrow that drill? 474 00:32:23,165 --> 00:32:25,333 Attention. Attention. 475 00:32:25,584 --> 00:32:29,754 All hair removal units, wax, electrolysis, laser... 476 00:32:29,922 --> 00:32:33,008 ...to commence at 2300 hours. 477 00:32:39,140 --> 00:32:40,240 HART: Hello. Ah! 478 00:32:54,947 --> 00:32:56,114 Bikini wax. 479 00:33:07,752 --> 00:33:09,169 How you doing? 480 00:33:09,378 --> 00:33:10,922 Ever seen one this big? 481 00:33:11,132 --> 00:33:12,674 Sandwich, I mean. 482 00:33:13,092 --> 00:33:14,885 That's a lot of meat. 483 00:33:19,390 --> 00:33:20,807 Thank you! 484 00:33:21,100 --> 00:33:23,477 Nobody said this job was easy. 485 00:33:26,731 --> 00:33:29,274 Mm, mm, mm. 486 00:33:37,658 --> 00:33:41,453 This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies. 487 00:33:41,704 --> 00:33:44,498 I don't need it. With all this foil, I'm getting HBO. 488 00:33:45,917 --> 00:33:47,334 This is a pin camera. 489 00:33:47,585 --> 00:33:49,503 There's an actual lens in there. 490 00:33:49,712 --> 00:33:52,589 It provides a digital video feed to our hookups. 491 00:33:53,466 --> 00:33:55,258 Here's your new IDs. 492 00:33:55,468 --> 00:33:57,594 Pageant identity. 493 00:33:58,471 --> 00:34:00,097 Gracie Lou Freebush? 494 00:34:00,431 --> 00:34:01,807 I remembered you liked that. 495 00:34:02,016 --> 00:34:05,310 Well, my IQ just dropped 10 points. 496 00:34:08,856 --> 00:34:11,358 More... fluffy. 497 00:34:11,859 --> 00:34:14,653 Eyebrows. There should be two. 498 00:34:19,702 --> 00:34:21,870 Another two coats. And a sealant. 499 00:34:22,330 --> 00:34:23,664 Unbelievable. 500 00:34:25,542 --> 00:34:29,169 Where the hell is she? What could possibly be taking this long? 501 00:35:03,246 --> 00:35:04,746 Hart, is that you? 502 00:35:04,914 --> 00:35:08,083 I'm in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept... 503 00:35:08,334 --> 00:35:11,670 ...I'm starved and I'm armed. Don't mess with me. 504 00:35:12,088 --> 00:35:13,422 Ooh. 505 00:35:14,924 --> 00:35:17,176 I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm good. 506 00:35:18,386 --> 00:35:22,016 Yeah, that's her. Mr. Vic, nice work! 507 00:35:22,225 --> 00:35:23,392 Thank you. 508 00:35:24,686 --> 00:35:26,312 My God, I'm good. 509 00:36:04,809 --> 00:36:06,936 Okay, Gracie Lou, listen up. 510 00:36:07,354 --> 00:36:09,772 "Operation Thong" has commenced. 511 00:36:11,107 --> 00:36:12,900 Why don't you stun-gun yourself? 512 00:36:13,568 --> 00:36:15,444 I knew she'd like that one. 513 00:36:16,655 --> 00:36:17,863 KATHY: Victor? 514 00:36:18,365 --> 00:36:20,115 Try not to speak. 515 00:36:20,825 --> 00:36:22,159 Victor! 516 00:36:23,119 --> 00:36:25,162 Miss Morningside, if it's possible... 517 00:36:25,413 --> 00:36:27,500 ...you look more radiant than ever. 518 00:36:28,502 --> 00:36:31,128 Then I guess it's possible. Hello. 519 00:36:31,463 --> 00:36:32,563 Hi. 520 00:36:34,633 --> 00:36:35,733 Miss Hart?! 521 00:36:36,301 --> 00:36:38,135 I mean, Miss Freebush. 522 00:36:39,263 --> 00:36:43,182 Victor, I see you haven't completely lost your touch. 523 00:36:43,433 --> 00:36:45,309 You look absolutely perfect. 524 00:36:45,602 --> 00:36:48,938 And you're just in time for the orientation breakfast. 525 00:36:49,606 --> 00:36:51,399 You'll take the bags to the room? 526 00:36:51,608 --> 00:36:53,818 It's been a while since you've been with us... 527 00:36:54,027 --> 00:36:56,320 ...but you remember how everything goes. 528 00:36:57,155 --> 00:37:00,324 One little mistake and I'm a bloody bellhop. 529 00:37:01,994 --> 00:37:04,203 Ohio. Oh-hi-yo! 530 00:37:04,496 --> 00:37:06,455 Washington. Nice apples. 531 00:37:06,665 --> 00:37:09,625 Original. You come up with that all by yourself? 532 00:37:11,211 --> 00:37:13,796 - Miss Freebush! - I got it. I got it. 533 00:37:14,006 --> 00:37:16,048 New Jersey? Welcome. 534 00:37:27,519 --> 00:37:30,187 - Who's she? - Have you seen her before? 535 00:37:33,652 --> 00:37:36,362 Oh, hey, New Jersey? This one's empty. 536 00:37:38,741 --> 00:37:39,841 Thanks. 537 00:37:40,034 --> 00:37:42,577 - I'm Cheryl from Rhode Island. - Hi, I'm... 538 00:37:42,745 --> 00:37:46,497 Gracie Lou Freebush. I memorized the orientation pamphlet. 539 00:37:46,749 --> 00:37:49,417 I know all 49 ladies by name and picture. 540 00:37:49,585 --> 00:37:51,336 Fifty, including myself. 541 00:37:51,545 --> 00:37:55,715 Your picture wasn't there, so I knew it was you from your lack of picture. 542 00:37:57,009 --> 00:38:00,345 How about a little song for the drive? 543 00:38:00,554 --> 00:38:03,056 I think you know the one I mean. 544 00:38:04,391 --> 00:38:07,894 From sea to shining sea 545 00:38:08,103 --> 00:38:11,522 Like Lady Liberty 546 00:38:11,732 --> 00:38:16,569 She reigns over all she sees 547 00:38:17,404 --> 00:38:20,990 She's beauty and she's grace 548 00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:23,534 She's Miss United States 549 00:38:28,082 --> 00:38:29,540 Entering Barbie-town. 550 00:38:29,750 --> 00:38:31,209 We're up and running. 551 00:38:31,418 --> 00:38:33,086 CLONSKY: I love my job! 552 00:38:33,295 --> 00:38:35,088 - Not a bad view. - Not at all. 553 00:38:35,297 --> 00:38:37,757 There's our table! 554 00:38:38,052 --> 00:38:40,104 I got here three days early so I could... 555 00:38:40,221 --> 00:38:42,972 Look at all the hoochie mama! 556 00:38:43,140 --> 00:38:44,432 Not the pastry! 557 00:38:46,310 --> 00:38:51,147 Ladies, I would like you to meet Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey. 558 00:38:51,399 --> 00:38:53,608 Karen Krantz, New York. 559 00:38:53,818 --> 00:38:55,110 What's up, Jersey? 560 00:38:55,319 --> 00:38:58,154 - Mary Jo Wright, Texas. - Hi there. 561 00:38:58,322 --> 00:39:00,407 CHERYL: Belinda Brown, Tennessee. - Hi. 562 00:39:00,616 --> 00:39:01,825 - I like that! - Oh, yeah! 563 00:39:02,326 --> 00:39:04,160 Leslie Davis, California. 564 00:39:04,328 --> 00:39:05,428 Hey, girl. 565 00:39:05,621 --> 00:39:07,914 And Alana Krewson, Hawaii. 566 00:39:08,332 --> 00:39:09,432 Aloha. 567 00:39:09,583 --> 00:39:10,959 Aloha to you too! 568 00:39:11,168 --> 00:39:15,839 I want you all to know, I believe what it says on the sign at the Alamodome. 569 00:39:16,048 --> 00:39:17,674 We are all winners. 570 00:39:18,050 --> 00:39:20,510 Hey, Hart! You think she's hungry? 571 00:39:20,678 --> 00:39:24,180 Most important, we're getting our issues out there for people to hear. 572 00:39:24,348 --> 00:39:27,100 And it's an honor to have made it this far. 573 00:39:27,309 --> 00:39:29,769 Especially when you're from a small state... 574 00:39:30,020 --> 00:39:31,646 That's so true! 575 00:39:31,856 --> 00:39:34,274 - Us Rhode Islanders... - I wasn't finished. 576 00:39:36,318 --> 00:39:37,610 Did it sound like I was? 577 00:39:37,820 --> 00:39:38,945 I'm sorry. 578 00:39:39,155 --> 00:39:41,364 Why are you apologizing to her? 579 00:39:41,574 --> 00:39:43,618 She's been drinking too much Coppertone. 580 00:39:43,828 --> 00:39:46,329 - Are you talking to me? - Yeah, I am. 581 00:39:47,331 --> 00:39:48,431 Question: 582 00:39:49,542 --> 00:39:53,086 In Hawaii, don't you use "Aloha" for hello and goodbye? 583 00:39:53,629 --> 00:39:55,046 So? 584 00:39:55,715 --> 00:39:58,967 If you're on the phone with someone who won't stop talking... 585 00:39:59,177 --> 00:40:01,636 ...and you say "aloha," don't they start again? 586 00:40:08,352 --> 00:40:10,395 At least she thinks I'm funny. 587 00:40:11,063 --> 00:40:12,981 Hart? Hart, do you copy? 588 00:40:14,108 --> 00:40:16,401 - What's up? - I don't know. It's not working. 589 00:40:16,611 --> 00:40:20,238 - It worked five minutes ago. - Who put it together? 590 00:40:25,203 --> 00:40:27,329 Check one, check one... 591 00:40:29,749 --> 00:40:32,334 Thank you so much. Thank you. 592 00:40:33,044 --> 00:40:34,669 For the past 21 years... 593 00:40:34,879 --> 00:40:38,256 ...it has been my honor to serve as director of this pageant. 594 00:40:38,424 --> 00:40:42,093 And I know that this year will be our most exciting event ever! 595 00:40:45,389 --> 00:40:47,641 Couple of geniuses I'm working with. 596 00:40:47,850 --> 00:40:51,855 After the rehearsal and a photo shoot, you can settle into your rooms. 597 00:40:52,065 --> 00:40:55,442 Tomorrow we will begin the preliminaries... 598 00:40:55,693 --> 00:40:58,111 ...hosted by our master of ceremonies... 599 00:40:58,279 --> 00:41:01,240 ...an American institution, Stan Fields. 600 00:41:06,412 --> 00:41:08,956 Thank you! Oh, thank you, Kathy! 601 00:41:10,542 --> 00:41:12,626 Let's go! Get it back online! 602 00:41:12,794 --> 00:41:14,376 - We're working on it. - We're trying. 603 00:41:14,546 --> 00:41:16,046 Thank you, Kathy. 604 00:41:16,297 --> 00:41:18,465 Isn't she ravishing?! 605 00:41:19,634 --> 00:41:21,593 How does she do it? 606 00:41:21,803 --> 00:41:26,682 I look in the mirror and say, "Who's that old man in my pajamas?" 607 00:41:29,894 --> 00:41:34,231 And even though I'll be retiring this year... 608 00:41:36,234 --> 00:41:38,986 Well, don't cry for me... Alabama. 609 00:41:39,696 --> 00:41:42,489 That's so sad. He's retiring. 610 00:41:42,740 --> 00:41:44,491 He's not retiring. 611 00:41:44,742 --> 00:41:47,703 I spoke to him this morning, and he blurted it out. 612 00:41:47,912 --> 00:41:52,291 They're firing him, going for someone newer and younger. 613 00:41:53,293 --> 00:41:55,629 I hope it's Ricky Martin. 614 00:41:56,506 --> 00:41:57,840 Hey, hey, hey. 615 00:42:00,260 --> 00:42:01,802 Jesus Christ! 616 00:42:03,221 --> 00:42:04,321 Oh. 617 00:42:07,517 --> 00:42:09,476 Oh, I uh... 618 00:42:10,604 --> 00:42:14,815 I'm sorry. I had a bite of my bagel and I forgot to pray. 619 00:42:18,653 --> 00:42:20,863 Dear Jesus, please forgive me... 620 00:42:21,114 --> 00:42:24,617 ...for not praying before I had a bite of my bagel and schmeer. 621 00:42:24,826 --> 00:42:26,118 Thank you very much. 622 00:42:26,620 --> 00:42:27,870 Amen. 623 00:43:25,430 --> 00:43:26,530 - Hi! - Hi. 624 00:43:26,682 --> 00:43:28,432 I hope I'm not disturbing you. 625 00:43:28,684 --> 00:43:31,102 Oh, no, I was just, you know... 626 00:43:31,436 --> 00:43:32,603 ...grooming. 627 00:43:32,854 --> 00:43:35,606 I made some of my famous hot chocolate. 628 00:43:38,568 --> 00:43:39,944 Oh, um... 629 00:43:40,821 --> 00:43:44,699 My roommate's asleep, or she's starting to mold. 630 00:43:45,450 --> 00:43:47,618 But do you want to come in? 631 00:43:57,796 --> 00:43:59,755 I asked some of the other girls... 632 00:43:59,965 --> 00:44:02,967 ...but when they heard "chocolate" they slammed their doors. 633 00:44:03,260 --> 00:44:05,972 They didn't give me a chance to say "nonfat." 634 00:44:07,474 --> 00:44:09,225 Well, here's to... 635 00:44:09,935 --> 00:44:11,352 ...world peace. 636 00:44:11,854 --> 00:44:13,396 World peace. 637 00:44:15,441 --> 00:44:16,649 Mmm. 638 00:44:18,777 --> 00:44:19,877 Mm. 639 00:44:20,446 --> 00:44:21,546 Hot. 640 00:44:21,655 --> 00:44:22,822 I'm sorry. 641 00:44:23,574 --> 00:44:25,158 I have to tell you... 642 00:44:25,409 --> 00:44:29,746 ...I thought it was really great how you settled that argument today. 643 00:44:30,080 --> 00:44:31,998 "Aloha, aloha." 644 00:44:32,166 --> 00:44:33,916 That's why you're gonna win. 645 00:44:34,418 --> 00:44:36,002 You're so clever. 646 00:44:36,170 --> 00:44:39,630 You should tell jokes for your talent. What is your talent? 647 00:44:40,799 --> 00:44:43,259 It's... It's kind of like... 648 00:44:43,635 --> 00:44:46,387 It's, you know, it's like a surprise. 649 00:44:46,680 --> 00:44:48,431 - Oh. - Yeah, yeah. 650 00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:51,267 But don't worry, it's nothing embarrassing. 651 00:44:51,685 --> 00:44:54,812 Not anything like baton twirling or anything. 652 00:44:56,899 --> 00:44:59,025 So, what's your talent? 653 00:45:01,487 --> 00:45:03,780 Oh, Cheryl, I'm sorry. 654 00:45:05,032 --> 00:45:07,909 Twirling can be a real art. 655 00:45:08,118 --> 00:45:11,623 I saw this cheerleader doing it at a football game. 656 00:45:11,832 --> 00:45:15,710 She lit her batons on fire and did this sexy dance. 657 00:45:15,920 --> 00:45:17,879 I wish I could do something like that. 658 00:45:18,047 --> 00:45:19,147 Why can't you? 659 00:45:19,381 --> 00:45:22,133 My parents don't like anything ostentatious. 660 00:45:22,384 --> 00:45:24,677 And they really don't like fire. 661 00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:31,059 Cheryl, I think you have as good a chance as anyone to win. 662 00:45:31,310 --> 00:45:34,312 You believe in yourself to have gotten this far, right? 663 00:45:35,147 --> 00:45:36,731 - Really? - Yeah. 664 00:45:37,650 --> 00:45:38,750 Wow. 665 00:45:39,985 --> 00:45:43,571 You're so nice and so smart and so sensitive. 666 00:45:43,739 --> 00:45:45,490 You're definitely gonna win. 667 00:45:45,658 --> 00:45:46,758 That's it. 668 00:45:47,159 --> 00:45:51,162 Excuse me. I am in the middle of a REM cycle over here. 669 00:45:51,372 --> 00:45:52,997 - Sorry. - I'm sorry. 670 00:46:10,474 --> 00:46:12,016 Yes. 671 00:46:24,532 --> 00:46:26,616 Not happening. 672 00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:32,956 - What? - You took your earpiece out. 673 00:46:33,124 --> 00:46:34,708 - Vic needs you. - Now? 674 00:46:34,917 --> 00:46:37,586 - I haven't slept in two days! - I'll give you a cookie. 675 00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:40,005 It better be a big one. 676 00:46:42,300 --> 00:46:44,718 You don't walk, you float. 677 00:46:44,927 --> 00:46:48,054 Gently descending, you don't look down. 678 00:46:48,264 --> 00:46:52,058 Go back up and do it again. Never, ever look down, okay? 679 00:46:52,268 --> 00:46:54,394 Thighs touching... 680 00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:57,314 - Touching, not clenching. - I'm touching. 681 00:46:57,523 --> 00:47:01,526 There's a gap between knees and calves, your calves and your ankles. 682 00:47:01,736 --> 00:47:05,322 Right now there's a huge gap between my brain and my spinal cord. 683 00:47:06,949 --> 00:47:08,658 Here. Take these. 684 00:47:27,347 --> 00:47:28,972 What, no armored car? 685 00:47:29,265 --> 00:47:31,266 That would be in my other dress. 686 00:47:31,935 --> 00:47:36,021 What are you planning to do for your talent? Sing? Dance? 687 00:47:36,356 --> 00:47:38,190 Chew with your mouth closed? 688 00:47:38,358 --> 00:47:40,692 I'll do whatever you want, Yoda. 689 00:47:40,860 --> 00:47:42,319 Oh, Lord. 690 00:47:43,947 --> 00:47:45,280 Agent Matthews! 691 00:47:45,615 --> 00:47:49,451 - This woman has no talent! - Don't shout it in front of her. 692 00:47:49,661 --> 00:47:53,288 I wasn't told to provide a talent. I can't do so in the next five hours! 693 00:47:53,581 --> 00:47:54,681 Wait a minute. 694 00:47:54,791 --> 00:47:56,208 What are you talking about? 695 00:47:56,376 --> 00:47:58,877 She'll be on-stage with nothing to do... 696 00:47:59,128 --> 00:48:01,630 ...but convert oxygen into carbon dioxide! 697 00:48:01,881 --> 00:48:06,218 You said you couldn't make her pretty in two days, but she's gorgeous. 698 00:48:06,469 --> 00:48:09,054 Compared to the car wreck she was before. 699 00:48:09,305 --> 00:48:12,724 My duties are stated in a contract, and I have fulfilled them. 700 00:48:12,892 --> 00:48:15,811 - You talent her up by tomorrow or... - Are you threatening me? 701 00:48:16,020 --> 00:48:19,398 - Listen to me, you old fruitcake! - How dare you, you cupcake! 702 00:48:19,649 --> 00:48:23,819 There's something I know how to do. I haven't done it since high school... 703 00:48:24,028 --> 00:48:27,614 - You're not having sex on this stage. - I didn't know it was an option. 704 00:48:27,826 --> 00:48:30,494 This thing, I just have to call room service. 705 00:48:31,079 --> 00:48:32,246 Miss Hart. 706 00:48:32,497 --> 00:48:33,747 Please. 707 00:48:37,377 --> 00:48:39,545 Thank you. And the other one. 708 00:48:42,340 --> 00:48:43,440 Thank you. 709 00:48:50,432 --> 00:48:52,224 All right, all right, all right. 710 00:48:53,727 --> 00:48:56,228 Happy, you doughnut Nazi? 711 00:49:34,936 --> 00:49:37,688 Did I tell you Stan Fields was getting fired? 712 00:49:37,939 --> 00:49:41,442 I'm on it. You just concentrate on being Gracie Lou, all right. 713 00:49:42,235 --> 00:49:44,820 And by the way, you're doing a great job. 714 00:49:45,489 --> 00:49:47,782 I thought the evening gown looked... 715 00:49:48,909 --> 00:49:51,827 - I totally bought it. - I know, you think I'm gorgeous. 716 00:49:52,079 --> 00:49:53,579 I don't think you're gorgeous. 717 00:49:53,914 --> 00:49:56,582 You think I'm gorgeous. 718 00:49:56,833 --> 00:49:59,210 You want to kiss me. 719 00:49:59,419 --> 00:50:01,003 You want to hug me... 720 00:50:01,254 --> 00:50:03,714 McDonald's more feminine. I'd rather kiss him. 721 00:50:03,965 --> 00:50:07,301 - Love me. You want to hug me. 722 00:50:07,511 --> 00:50:09,136 You want to smooch me. 723 00:50:19,106 --> 00:50:20,773 Enjoy the rest of your night. 724 00:50:34,746 --> 00:50:36,956 Gracie, you look so tired. 725 00:50:37,541 --> 00:50:39,627 Oh, she had a busy night. 726 00:50:39,837 --> 00:50:42,797 I saw that gentleman stop by the room. 727 00:50:42,965 --> 00:50:44,065 Gentleman? 728 00:50:44,216 --> 00:50:46,050 Uh-huh. 729 00:50:46,510 --> 00:50:50,388 - No men in the room. - It's different on the mainland. 730 00:50:50,556 --> 00:50:53,683 Hold on, ladies. Let's hear her side of the story. 731 00:50:53,976 --> 00:50:55,393 You sleeping with a judge? 732 00:50:57,896 --> 00:50:59,272 Oh. 733 00:50:59,690 --> 00:51:02,066 Oh, that guy? No. 734 00:51:02,317 --> 00:51:05,778 No, no, I was dating him for a little while because... 735 00:51:05,988 --> 00:51:08,281 ...he said he had an incurable disease. 736 00:51:11,410 --> 00:51:13,786 I didn't realize it was stupidity. 737 00:51:13,996 --> 00:51:16,164 MARY JO: Oh, I know what that's like. - All right. 738 00:51:16,373 --> 00:51:18,040 He is such a pathetic loser. 739 00:51:18,250 --> 00:51:22,211 I'm sorry he's obsessed with me, but at some point it's like, "Hello!" 740 00:51:22,421 --> 00:51:25,214 "Move on! Get over yourself!" 741 00:51:25,924 --> 00:51:27,800 His ego is this big. 742 00:51:28,010 --> 00:51:30,595 But his equipment is like this big! 743 00:51:31,763 --> 00:51:34,098 Good cover! We worked that out together. 744 00:51:34,433 --> 00:51:36,100 Use it for a needle. 745 00:51:36,310 --> 00:51:38,519 Back to work. Get ready for the Alamo. 746 00:51:40,230 --> 00:51:42,356 Thank you. Thank you. 747 00:51:42,691 --> 00:51:47,363 And welcome to the Miss United States Preliminary... 748 00:51:47,573 --> 00:51:50,867 ...here at the beautiful and historical Alamo! 749 00:51:53,454 --> 00:51:55,580 Prepare for what promises to be... 750 00:51:55,789 --> 00:51:59,709 ...a day of astounding musical, theatrical and dancing talent. 751 00:51:59,919 --> 00:52:02,629 And after I'm finished, you can see the ladies. 752 00:52:02,838 --> 00:52:03,938 Oh, yes! 753 00:52:06,425 --> 00:52:08,051 And now, put it together... 754 00:52:08,260 --> 00:52:11,888 ...for Miss Mary Jo Wright from Texas! 755 00:52:14,350 --> 00:52:19,145 You light up my life 756 00:52:49,301 --> 00:52:51,137 What's her talent, bartending? 757 00:53:16,038 --> 00:53:21,001 I made it very clear you weren't responsible for making her credible. 758 00:53:23,796 --> 00:53:26,047 I wish I could explain... 759 00:53:26,507 --> 00:53:28,967 ...but there are no words. 760 00:53:42,023 --> 00:53:43,356 Eagle-Eye. 761 00:53:44,233 --> 00:53:46,943 You might want to check out cowboy at 1:00. 762 00:53:47,903 --> 00:53:50,196 My 1:00 or your 1:00? 763 00:53:50,448 --> 00:53:52,741 The one under the white Stetson. 764 00:53:52,992 --> 00:53:55,076 There's Stetsons everywhere. 765 00:53:58,374 --> 00:53:59,666 He's moving, he's moving. 766 00:54:00,043 --> 00:54:03,045 - Toward the stage. - Hold on, we're checking it out. 767 00:54:03,671 --> 00:54:04,771 Guys. 768 00:54:09,552 --> 00:54:11,970 Guys, he has a gun. He has a gun. 769 00:54:12,889 --> 00:54:15,265 Who's got the 20 on the shooter? 770 00:54:17,393 --> 00:54:18,493 I'm taking him out. 771 00:54:18,686 --> 00:54:20,103 Wait for a visual! 772 00:54:22,106 --> 00:54:24,775 Gun! Gun! Everybody down! 773 00:54:28,738 --> 00:54:31,281 Better up to them, don't you think? 774 00:54:33,076 --> 00:54:36,370 In a bizarre incident at the Miss United States Preliminaries... 775 00:54:36,579 --> 00:54:39,706 ...the contestant from New Jersey leapt off-stage... 776 00:54:39,916 --> 00:54:43,877 ...and tackled a man in the crowd who was trying to light a cigarette. 777 00:54:44,087 --> 00:54:46,505 She's here with me right now. 778 00:54:46,714 --> 00:54:50,050 What were you thinking when you jumped off the stage? 779 00:54:50,259 --> 00:54:54,721 All the contestants are actively involved in ending tobacco dependence. 780 00:54:54,931 --> 00:54:59,476 I think the gentleman will think twice before he lights up again. 781 00:54:59,644 --> 00:55:01,397 I'm sure we all will. 782 00:55:06,319 --> 00:55:08,153 - Look, he had a gun. - Of course. 783 00:55:08,405 --> 00:55:10,030 This is Texas, everyone has a gun. 784 00:55:10,240 --> 00:55:11,824 My florist has a gun. 785 00:55:12,117 --> 00:55:13,242 I don't have a gun. 786 00:55:13,493 --> 00:55:15,119 My ancestors were Quakers. 787 00:55:15,328 --> 00:55:17,287 Stan, please! 788 00:55:17,622 --> 00:55:20,249 We assume any man with a weapon is a suspect. 789 00:55:20,458 --> 00:55:22,084 We got the DNA results. 790 00:55:22,293 --> 00:55:25,421 The envelope from the Citizen was licked by a woman. 791 00:55:25,672 --> 00:55:27,464 There's never been DNA before. 792 00:55:28,007 --> 00:55:30,342 He slipped up, or I should say "she." 793 00:55:30,593 --> 00:55:32,261 This is preposterous. 794 00:55:32,637 --> 00:55:34,680 You people are completely clueless. 795 00:55:34,931 --> 00:55:38,308 If I ran my pageant like this, we'd be holding it in someone's basement! 796 00:55:38,518 --> 00:55:41,645 Every operation is bound to have its screwups. 797 00:55:41,855 --> 00:55:44,314 As far as I can see, she's still with us. 798 00:55:45,817 --> 00:55:46,984 Oh, God! 799 00:55:47,193 --> 00:55:50,362 Could I have a moment alone with Miss Hart, please? 800 00:55:50,572 --> 00:55:51,697 Sure. 801 00:55:54,826 --> 00:55:56,493 Just for a tiny minute. 802 00:55:56,828 --> 00:55:59,329 We'll just be a moment. Shop talk. 803 00:55:59,539 --> 00:56:00,639 Hair, gel, mousse. 804 00:56:03,042 --> 00:56:06,547 Look, I know I made a mistake. I'm sorry. 805 00:56:09,217 --> 00:56:13,137 I've been fighting all my life against your type. 806 00:56:13,346 --> 00:56:16,348 The ones who think we're a bunch of worthless airheads. 807 00:56:16,892 --> 00:56:18,142 You know who I mean. 808 00:56:18,393 --> 00:56:19,727 Feminists... 809 00:56:19,978 --> 00:56:21,479 ...intellectuals... 810 00:56:21,688 --> 00:56:22,813 ...ugly women. 811 00:56:23,356 --> 00:56:25,733 I refuse to give in to their cynicism. 812 00:56:26,109 --> 00:56:30,571 That's why I have dedicated my entire life to this scholarship. 813 00:56:31,239 --> 00:56:32,865 No one's going to ruin that. 814 00:56:33,867 --> 00:56:35,242 Not this year. 815 00:56:36,119 --> 00:56:38,662 You get in my way, I will kill you. 816 00:56:40,332 --> 00:56:41,624 Do you understand? 817 00:56:42,709 --> 00:56:43,809 Yeah. 818 00:56:44,002 --> 00:56:45,753 - Yes! - Yes. 819 00:56:55,764 --> 00:56:56,864 Frank! 820 00:56:57,724 --> 00:57:02,353 The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. 821 00:57:02,562 --> 00:57:05,272 It accounts for 30% of your total score. 822 00:57:05,440 --> 00:57:07,775 What's the other 70%, cleavage? 823 00:57:09,611 --> 00:57:13,241 Is this your idea of doing final preps on the convention center? 824 00:57:13,867 --> 00:57:17,078 Look. Liberace's got her in a nice evening gown. 825 00:57:17,538 --> 00:57:22,041 McDonald called. He saw Hart's anti- smoking commercial. He's on his way. 826 00:57:22,292 --> 00:57:25,753 Good, perfect. I'd hate for him to fire me over the phone. 827 00:57:25,963 --> 00:57:27,063 I can't believe this! 828 00:57:27,214 --> 00:57:28,314 It'll be ugly. 829 00:57:28,465 --> 00:57:29,565 No shit. 830 00:57:29,967 --> 00:57:32,301 I gotta do something. I'm gonna go do laps. 831 00:57:32,469 --> 00:57:35,096 We'll go over tomorrow's assignments. 832 00:57:35,305 --> 00:57:36,430 You got it. 833 00:57:36,723 --> 00:57:38,099 Hands folded... 834 00:57:38,809 --> 00:57:40,726 ...ankles crossed. 835 00:57:40,936 --> 00:57:42,061 Neck up! 836 00:57:42,271 --> 00:57:44,272 And remember, smile. 837 00:57:44,481 --> 00:57:48,109 Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown. 838 00:57:48,443 --> 00:57:51,153 I would so love to hurt you right now. 839 00:57:51,321 --> 00:57:53,823 As long as you smile. 840 00:57:54,324 --> 00:57:55,424 Now... 841 00:57:55,826 --> 00:57:58,202 Why is New Jersey called... 842 00:57:58,495 --> 00:57:59,620 ...the Garden State? 843 00:57:59,830 --> 00:58:04,333 You can't fit "Oil and petrochemical refinery state" on a license plate? 844 00:58:04,585 --> 00:58:07,003 I don't appreciate your immaturity... 845 00:58:07,254 --> 00:58:09,171 ...when I'm working as hard as I am. 846 00:58:09,339 --> 00:58:12,967 What's the big deal? It's fixed, I'm in the top five. 847 00:58:13,176 --> 00:58:15,094 Congratulations to me. 848 00:58:15,304 --> 00:58:20,018 Is that enough? Have you no pride in yourself, in your presentation? 849 00:58:20,311 --> 00:58:24,230 I'm an FBI agent, right? I'm not a performing monkey in heels. 850 00:58:24,440 --> 00:58:27,025 You're also a person, and an incomplete one at that! 851 00:58:27,276 --> 00:58:30,862 In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun. 852 00:58:31,030 --> 00:58:32,238 Oh, I have sarcasm? 853 00:58:32,448 --> 00:58:35,950 When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain? 854 00:58:36,243 --> 00:58:40,705 That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist, and that works for me. 855 00:58:40,873 --> 00:58:43,750 I don't have relationships because I don't want them. 856 00:58:43,959 --> 00:58:47,545 And I don't have friends because I work 24-7. 857 00:58:47,755 --> 00:58:51,049 And you have no idea why I am the way that I am. 858 00:58:51,300 --> 00:58:54,385 As we're practicing interviews, why are you the way you are? 859 00:58:54,637 --> 00:58:56,346 None of your damn business. 860 00:58:56,555 --> 00:58:59,390 The judges probably have never heard that before. 861 00:58:59,558 --> 00:59:01,559 We have more to do here. 862 00:59:03,562 --> 00:59:05,521 No, we are finished. 863 00:59:06,899 --> 00:59:08,274 Finished. 864 00:59:10,819 --> 00:59:14,072 - Give me a 20 on Matthews. - Be advised he's at the pool. 865 00:59:17,826 --> 00:59:20,078 "How do you feel about gun control?" 866 00:59:20,412 --> 00:59:21,788 Favorable. 867 00:59:30,925 --> 00:59:33,677 Thought I'd let you know I was quitting. Take care. 868 00:59:34,345 --> 00:59:36,179 Hold on. Wait a minute. 869 00:59:36,806 --> 00:59:39,933 - What do you mean? - I mean, you got the wrong girl. 870 00:59:40,101 --> 00:59:41,201 All right? 871 00:59:41,394 --> 00:59:42,519 I do not need this now. 872 00:59:42,770 --> 00:59:46,439 That's what I'm saying! I'm totally screwing up in there! 873 00:59:46,607 --> 00:59:48,900 I don't feel like a real agent anymore. 874 00:59:49,110 --> 00:59:51,611 I mean, Vic says this thing that's so... 875 00:59:52,196 --> 00:59:55,407 I don't care what he said, you know? I don't care. 876 00:59:55,616 --> 00:59:57,117 Because I am the job... 877 00:59:57,368 --> 00:59:59,911 ...and I'm okay with that. You're the job? 878 01:00:00,371 --> 01:00:02,455 Yeah, I'm the job. We're all the job. 879 01:00:02,623 --> 01:00:04,582 Then what's wrong with me? 880 01:00:04,792 --> 01:00:08,461 I date. I know everyone thinks I haven't had a date in 10 years. 881 01:00:08,713 --> 01:00:09,963 Is that what you think? 882 01:00:10,840 --> 01:00:12,132 I think you date. 883 01:00:12,383 --> 01:00:13,883 Damn right I do. 884 01:00:14,385 --> 01:00:16,428 But both times it was screwed up. 885 01:00:17,638 --> 01:00:19,973 I don't even care. All I want to do... 886 01:00:20,224 --> 01:00:22,058 ...is my job. 887 01:00:22,309 --> 01:00:25,478 For the last three days I feel like I'm completely lost. 888 01:00:25,730 --> 01:00:28,481 I've been waiting five years to run my own op. 889 01:00:28,735 --> 01:00:31,778 - Would I blow it on the wrong girl? - You picked me... 890 01:00:31,988 --> 01:00:34,948 ...because I looked good and wasn't on maternity leave. 891 01:00:35,158 --> 01:00:38,160 No, that's why they let me pick you. Know why? 892 01:00:38,411 --> 01:00:40,162 - Lost a bet. - You're smart... 893 01:00:40,371 --> 01:00:44,791 ...and funny and you're easy to talk to when you're unarmed. 894 01:00:45,752 --> 01:00:48,920 Give yourself a break and cut Vic some slack. 895 01:00:49,130 --> 01:00:51,590 Because if they see what I see, then... 896 01:00:52,967 --> 01:00:54,176 ...they'll love you. 897 01:00:58,181 --> 01:00:59,514 So, what do you say? 898 01:01:05,897 --> 01:01:07,189 I won't let you down. 899 01:01:07,482 --> 01:01:09,191 Good, that's what I want to hear. 900 01:01:09,400 --> 01:01:12,444 In all honesty, I might let you down. 901 01:01:12,695 --> 01:01:15,906 But I'll try my best not to. 902 01:01:19,160 --> 01:01:20,619 Do not mess with the dress. 903 01:01:27,376 --> 01:01:30,045 Oh, Vic is gonna kill you. 904 01:01:31,047 --> 01:01:32,672 You in big trouble. 905 01:01:32,882 --> 01:01:34,510 Why? You fell. 906 01:01:34,719 --> 01:01:36,220 - You look good wet. - Shut up! 907 01:01:50,235 --> 01:01:53,237 Whoa, guys, Hart's in the dressing room. Come on. 908 01:01:53,446 --> 01:01:56,573 - You see the legs on that girl? - Who's your daddy? 909 01:02:12,590 --> 01:02:14,258 Those better be candy dishes! 910 01:02:14,759 --> 01:02:15,859 Turn around. 911 01:02:18,263 --> 01:02:19,596 Open. 912 01:02:21,182 --> 01:02:23,600 This guy's like an inch from death! 913 01:02:24,894 --> 01:02:27,020 But what a way to go! 914 01:02:27,230 --> 01:02:29,940 - Break it up. Nothing to see. - What do you mean? 915 01:02:30,400 --> 01:02:32,067 She's a federal agent. Come on. 916 01:02:35,196 --> 01:02:38,240 Guess it's time to apply at my local Hooters. 917 01:02:38,616 --> 01:02:42,288 Hemorrhoid ointment? You think the judges will look that closely? 918 01:02:42,497 --> 01:02:44,623 It's for the baggies under your eyes. 919 01:02:44,916 --> 01:02:46,016 Really? 920 01:02:47,419 --> 01:02:50,004 Good, hair spray. Finally something I recognize. 921 01:02:51,089 --> 01:02:52,506 What are you doing? 922 01:02:52,716 --> 01:02:54,884 It stops the suit from riding up. 923 01:02:55,051 --> 01:02:56,151 Riding up where? 924 01:02:56,428 --> 01:02:58,304 Just up! 925 01:02:58,471 --> 01:02:59,571 That's enough! 926 01:02:59,723 --> 01:03:01,140 Why do you make things hard? 927 01:03:01,391 --> 01:03:04,894 I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you. 928 01:03:05,145 --> 01:03:08,564 Why does Georgia get to wear a one-piece and I have to wear this?! 929 01:03:08,773 --> 01:03:12,735 If you can do this, then you can convince anyone that you belong here. 930 01:03:12,944 --> 01:03:14,528 Places, everybody! Let's go! 931 01:03:14,738 --> 01:03:20,075 The Swimsuit Preliminary accounts for 15% of the total score... 932 01:03:20,327 --> 01:03:23,829 ...and tests the grace, athleticism and poise... 933 01:03:24,080 --> 01:03:26,582 ...of each lovely woman. 934 01:03:27,626 --> 01:03:30,669 The last time I was naked in public, I came out of a uterus. 935 01:03:30,837 --> 01:03:34,089 I don't have breasts, my thighs... I should wear a muumuu. 936 01:03:34,299 --> 01:03:36,550 I have avoided this experience all my life. 937 01:03:36,760 --> 01:03:39,553 And here it is. You must achieve a Zen-like state. 938 01:03:39,763 --> 01:03:42,348 Listen to your breathing, feel your heart... 939 01:03:42,599 --> 01:03:44,433 ...think of the Dalai Lama. 940 01:04:04,373 --> 01:04:05,706 Texas! 941 01:04:10,629 --> 01:04:11,729 Rhode Island! 942 01:04:16,718 --> 01:04:18,219 New Jersey! 943 01:04:29,398 --> 01:04:31,983 Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama... 944 01:04:33,902 --> 01:04:35,152 New York! 945 01:04:39,366 --> 01:04:40,908 California! 946 01:04:45,122 --> 01:04:47,748 I would have to say, world peace. 947 01:04:48,000 --> 01:04:50,543 Definitely, world peace. 948 01:04:50,836 --> 01:04:53,548 That's easy. World peace. 949 01:04:53,882 --> 01:04:54,982 World peace. 950 01:04:55,134 --> 01:05:00,013 What is the one most important thing our society needs? 951 01:05:01,181 --> 01:05:05,435 That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan. 952 01:05:11,525 --> 01:05:14,777 And, world peace. 953 01:05:20,034 --> 01:05:21,534 Thank you, Gracie Lou. 954 01:05:21,744 --> 01:05:23,369 And thank you, Stan. 955 01:05:25,456 --> 01:05:28,458 Cheryl Frasier from Rhode Island. 956 01:05:29,460 --> 01:05:31,627 That was charming. Are you drunk? 957 01:05:31,795 --> 01:05:36,132 Glad you enjoyed it. Now excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile. 958 01:05:36,467 --> 01:05:38,176 We got a lead. 959 01:05:38,385 --> 01:05:40,303 - The blood test? - Photos. 960 01:05:40,471 --> 01:05:43,473 Cheryl Frasier, with members of a radical animal rights group... 961 01:05:43,682 --> 01:05:46,142 - ...involved in bombings. - It's always the quiet ones. 962 01:05:46,310 --> 01:05:49,437 She fits the profile: Loner, introverted. 963 01:05:49,688 --> 01:05:51,272 That Cheryl? 964 01:05:51,482 --> 01:05:55,068 Describe your perfect date. 965 01:05:56,489 --> 01:05:58,323 That's a tough one. 966 01:06:01,118 --> 01:06:03,995 I'd have to say April 25th... 967 01:06:04,288 --> 01:06:07,624 ...because it's not too hot, not too cold. 968 01:06:07,833 --> 01:06:10,335 All you need is a light jacket. 969 01:06:12,338 --> 01:06:14,839 Now, there is a hardened criminal. 970 01:06:16,342 --> 01:06:20,136 Maybe she's an accomplice. Maybe she's his inside connection. 971 01:06:20,346 --> 01:06:22,514 That's what you gotta find out. 972 01:06:22,681 --> 01:06:23,781 How? 973 01:06:23,933 --> 01:06:26,351 Buddy up to her, you know, girl talk. 974 01:06:26,519 --> 01:06:28,770 - Girl talk? - Yes, girl talk. 975 01:06:30,022 --> 01:06:32,023 Sorry, I'm totally drawing a blank. 976 01:06:32,233 --> 01:06:36,861 Leg waxing, fake orgasms, the inability of men to commit. 977 01:06:37,029 --> 01:06:38,488 Why don't you talk to her? 978 01:06:39,824 --> 01:06:43,660 Lmagine she's me and you want to know, but I don't want to talk about it. 979 01:06:43,869 --> 01:06:45,245 What would you do? 980 01:06:45,538 --> 01:06:47,122 You want me to beat her? 981 01:06:47,748 --> 01:06:48,873 Why don't you talk to her? 982 01:06:49,125 --> 01:06:51,376 Okay, forget about it. I will go. 983 01:06:52,044 --> 01:06:53,711 Put that back in your ear. 984 01:06:53,879 --> 01:06:56,047 I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head. 985 01:06:56,257 --> 01:06:58,383 I can't even do it with me in my head. 986 01:07:01,262 --> 01:07:02,764 Girl talk. 987 01:07:10,731 --> 01:07:12,190 Oh, my God! 988 01:07:12,483 --> 01:07:14,776 Hey, Rhode Island, how you doing? 989 01:07:14,986 --> 01:07:18,155 How can you ask that? You heard my interview. 990 01:07:18,906 --> 01:07:21,283 I was like a female Rain Man. 991 01:07:21,492 --> 01:07:24,411 Oh, no, it def-def-definitely wasn't Rain Man. 992 01:07:24,662 --> 01:07:26,163 Definitely not Rain Man. 993 01:07:26,414 --> 01:07:29,166 Come and have a midnight snack with me and some... 994 01:07:29,417 --> 01:07:30,750 ...girl talk. 995 01:07:30,918 --> 01:07:34,004 Are you crazy? We can't have pizza and beer! 996 01:07:34,213 --> 01:07:36,882 Do you know how many calories you're talking about? 997 01:07:37,091 --> 01:07:39,676 It's light beer and she's gonna throw it up anyway. 998 01:07:39,844 --> 01:07:40,944 Come on. 999 01:07:41,304 --> 01:07:43,763 Come with. No? 1000 01:07:43,931 --> 01:07:45,557 No takers? No? 1001 01:07:47,101 --> 01:07:48,935 All right, I'll just... 1002 01:07:49,187 --> 01:07:52,439 ...sit here. You guys go back on your bicycles... 1003 01:07:52,690 --> 01:07:56,943 ...and I'll sit here with my very large, cheesy pizza. 1004 01:07:57,320 --> 01:07:59,362 Oh, look at all that cheese. 1005 01:07:59,572 --> 01:08:00,672 Mmm, mm, mm. 1006 01:08:00,865 --> 01:08:02,782 Cheryl, don't. 1007 01:08:02,950 --> 01:08:05,285 At least scrape off the toppings. 1008 01:08:05,453 --> 01:08:09,208 First step, pizza. Second step, flaming batons... 1009 01:08:13,755 --> 01:08:16,048 Let me have some. Oh, yeah. 1010 01:08:16,216 --> 01:08:18,550 I guess we'll be needing more pizza. 1011 01:08:36,361 --> 01:08:39,279 - I want another drink! - Okay! 1012 01:08:39,989 --> 01:08:41,657 We're gonna get a drink. 1013 01:08:58,925 --> 01:09:00,926 Another round, ladies? 1014 01:09:01,678 --> 01:09:04,263 - I can't do another one! - Yes, you can! 1015 01:09:13,022 --> 01:09:14,358 This is so weird! 1016 01:09:14,526 --> 01:09:17,319 This is my third one and I don't feel a thing! 1017 01:09:17,529 --> 01:09:18,629 Really? 1018 01:09:18,780 --> 01:09:21,031 Like when I did my interview question. 1019 01:09:21,324 --> 01:09:23,158 Don't worry, we all sucked. 1020 01:09:23,535 --> 01:09:27,204 You know, I had such a good answer to that question too. 1021 01:09:27,414 --> 01:09:30,541 My idea of a perfect date would be a man... 1022 01:09:30,834 --> 01:09:32,960 ...who takes me to a romantic dinner. 1023 01:09:33,211 --> 01:09:36,380 Then we walk along the beach barefoot, discussing books... 1024 01:09:36,548 --> 01:09:39,508 ...and music and movies! 1025 01:09:39,718 --> 01:09:40,926 Aw. 1026 01:09:41,136 --> 01:09:42,511 No wonder you're still a virgin. 1027 01:09:45,640 --> 01:09:48,058 Time to paint. Come on. 1028 01:09:48,226 --> 01:09:49,852 No, my contacts. 1029 01:09:51,438 --> 01:09:53,355 - We'll stay here. - I want more pizza. 1030 01:09:53,565 --> 01:09:55,733 We're gonna have more pizza and beer. 1031 01:09:58,320 --> 01:09:59,653 Have fun! 1032 01:10:00,071 --> 01:10:03,198 - This is so much fun. - Yeah, it's fun. 1033 01:10:03,408 --> 01:10:05,451 It's so fun it should be illegal. 1034 01:10:05,744 --> 01:10:08,579 Speaking of illegal, have you ever, like... 1035 01:10:08,830 --> 01:10:10,205 ...committed a crime? 1036 01:10:11,374 --> 01:10:12,666 Yes! 1037 01:10:13,752 --> 01:10:15,419 Yes, I did. 1038 01:10:17,672 --> 01:10:18,841 Go on. 1039 01:10:20,260 --> 01:10:23,763 One time I stole red underwear from the department store. 1040 01:10:24,056 --> 01:10:25,765 My mother wouldn't buy them! 1041 01:10:26,058 --> 01:10:28,768 She said they were Satan's panties. 1042 01:10:31,521 --> 01:10:33,606 - So is that it? - Yeah. 1043 01:10:33,857 --> 01:10:37,109 Oh, there was this one thing in college... 1044 01:10:37,277 --> 01:10:39,278 ...with my lit professor. 1045 01:10:39,529 --> 01:10:44,408 One day I came to his office. He said he wanted to discuss a paper I wrote. 1046 01:10:45,369 --> 01:10:47,870 He wanted to discuss a paper, right? 1047 01:10:48,080 --> 01:10:50,790 Hey, can I get another one of these tubie things? 1048 01:10:51,041 --> 01:10:53,000 Yeah, can we get another tubie? 1049 01:10:54,002 --> 01:10:56,212 Anyway, he attacked me. 1050 01:10:58,799 --> 01:11:01,300 Cheryl, did you report him? 1051 01:11:01,551 --> 01:11:04,595 No, I never told anyone before this. 1052 01:11:04,888 --> 01:11:07,139 I know that happens all the time. 1053 01:11:07,307 --> 01:11:09,642 No, it doesn't! Cheryl, it doesn't. 1054 01:11:09,810 --> 01:11:12,770 There are so many maneuvers that I could show you. 1055 01:11:13,021 --> 01:11:14,146 Really? 1056 01:11:14,314 --> 01:11:16,565 Yeah! Come on, get up. 1057 01:11:18,652 --> 01:11:20,820 I want you to firmly plant your feet. 1058 01:11:21,029 --> 01:11:22,655 I'm gonna move the chair. 1059 01:11:22,906 --> 01:11:24,742 Now if someone comes at you... 1060 01:11:31,834 --> 01:11:34,168 She's completely trashed. 1061 01:11:34,420 --> 01:11:37,797 We should get her back before Miss Morningside finds out. 1062 01:11:38,048 --> 01:11:40,842 Kathy's got a boot up her ass about something. 1063 01:11:41,093 --> 01:11:43,970 I don't think she ever got over those rumors. 1064 01:11:44,179 --> 01:11:45,346 Come again? 1065 01:11:45,556 --> 01:11:47,515 Her pageant years she was a runner-up. 1066 01:11:47,683 --> 01:11:50,643 But then the winner mysteriously got food poisoning. 1067 01:11:50,853 --> 01:11:52,061 Bizarro! 1068 01:11:52,271 --> 01:11:55,690 No, Stan told me she got a letter a few weeks back from the network... 1069 01:11:55,941 --> 01:11:58,359 ...and they're firing her too! 1070 01:11:58,569 --> 01:12:01,696 She threw a chair out the window! 1071 01:12:03,115 --> 01:12:04,866 We gotta go. Come on. 1072 01:12:05,200 --> 01:12:07,702 I got 20 people here waiting for confirmation. 1073 01:12:13,584 --> 01:12:15,793 Don't tell me I don't understand. 1074 01:12:16,003 --> 01:12:18,087 I hate when I don't see a wet paint sign. 1075 01:12:18,297 --> 01:12:19,464 Stop it. Listen. 1076 01:12:19,715 --> 01:12:23,092 - Can't hear you, took out my earpiece. - I have a lead and it's not Cheryl. 1077 01:12:23,302 --> 01:12:25,720 Forget it. They bagged the Citizen. 1078 01:12:26,138 --> 01:12:27,597 What? Where? 1079 01:12:28,223 --> 01:12:29,851 It's confirmed. 1080 01:12:30,186 --> 01:12:32,228 He was holing up in a shack in Nevada. 1081 01:12:32,813 --> 01:12:35,190 Place had enough C4 to make a new Grand Canyon. 1082 01:12:35,399 --> 01:12:37,233 Let's pack up and get out of here. 1083 01:12:38,611 --> 01:12:41,571 Sir, I need to talk to you. One second of your time. 1084 01:12:42,156 --> 01:12:43,740 - Hart. - Hear me out a second. 1085 01:12:43,991 --> 01:12:48,203 I feel the situation bears further scrutiny and our continued presence. 1086 01:12:48,412 --> 01:12:51,664 Do you have paint in your ears? We caught the guy! 1087 01:12:51,874 --> 01:12:54,876 I respect what you're saying. I'd say the same to me... 1088 01:12:55,127 --> 01:12:57,003 ...but what if we were wrong? 1089 01:12:57,546 --> 01:13:00,924 What if the Citizen didn't send it? What if it was a copycat? 1090 01:13:01,842 --> 01:13:04,219 The letter didn't follow the normal pattern. 1091 01:13:04,428 --> 01:13:06,596 The linguistic scheme was uncharacteristic... 1092 01:13:06,764 --> 01:13:09,140 ...and the DNA said it was a woman! 1093 01:13:09,725 --> 01:13:12,519 Maybe he got his girlfriend to lick the envelope. 1094 01:13:12,728 --> 01:13:15,021 I think we have reason to monitor Morningside. 1095 01:13:15,231 --> 01:13:18,608 Why don't you jump on her dressed like a Bavarian fruitcake? 1096 01:13:18,776 --> 01:13:21,569 You're the reason I had to drag myself down here... 1097 01:13:21,779 --> 01:13:23,947 ...and I don't want to hear anymore! 1098 01:13:24,198 --> 01:13:26,908 You're absolutely right, sir. Not another damn word. 1099 01:13:27,159 --> 01:13:28,259 Thank you. 1100 01:13:28,661 --> 01:13:31,788 But she's getting fired this year, which she didn't tell us. 1101 01:13:32,039 --> 01:13:35,041 You're already in enough trouble with the review board. 1102 01:13:35,253 --> 01:13:38,880 Yeah, but when she was in the pageant, the only reason she won was... 1103 01:13:39,090 --> 01:13:42,801 ...because the winner got food poisoning. How bizarro is that? 1104 01:13:43,052 --> 01:13:44,261 - "Bizarro"? - Oh! Oh! 1105 01:13:44,470 --> 01:13:48,265 She threatened me. According to Mary Jo, she has a history of violence. 1106 01:13:48,474 --> 01:13:49,683 Who is Mary Jo? 1107 01:13:49,892 --> 01:13:52,477 Are you getting your information from a pajama party? 1108 01:13:52,728 --> 01:13:54,062 Would you shut up? 1109 01:13:54,313 --> 01:13:56,481 You're shutting up enough for both of us. 1110 01:13:56,691 --> 01:13:57,791 - Matthews. - Yes, sir? 1111 01:13:57,942 --> 01:14:00,068 Is there any reason to suspect Morningside? 1112 01:14:06,993 --> 01:14:08,093 No, sir. 1113 01:14:12,123 --> 01:14:13,223 There. 1114 01:14:13,332 --> 01:14:16,585 I request permission to stay with a small contingent. 1115 01:14:16,752 --> 01:14:20,338 - Denied. - Then I request permission to stay alone. 1116 01:14:20,631 --> 01:14:25,010 You know what, I don't care what you do. You want to stay, stay! 1117 01:14:25,219 --> 01:14:28,513 But as a private citizen. Turn in your badge and your gun. 1118 01:14:29,265 --> 01:14:32,017 Everybody, I suggest we start packing. 1119 01:14:35,771 --> 01:14:36,871 What? 1120 01:14:37,106 --> 01:14:39,232 Don't look at me like I betrayed you. 1121 01:14:39,483 --> 01:14:41,445 Betrayal implies action. You stood there. 1122 01:14:41,654 --> 01:14:43,155 You got nothing to go on. 1123 01:14:43,364 --> 01:14:45,532 I know everyone thinks I'm a screwup. 1124 01:14:45,783 --> 01:14:49,244 But I feel like I'm in the right place at the right time. 1125 01:14:49,454 --> 01:14:52,539 I have to protect those girls. It is my job. 1126 01:14:52,749 --> 01:14:54,074 Part of it is following orders. 1127 01:14:54,292 --> 01:14:58,170 The other part is using your brain. Throw out the rule book... 1128 01:14:58,379 --> 01:15:01,381 I like the book. I like knowing what I can and cannot do. 1129 01:15:01,633 --> 01:15:03,759 You're not the only one who lives for the job. 1130 01:15:03,968 --> 01:15:06,970 I want to keep mine for the next 20 or 30 years. 1131 01:15:08,222 --> 01:15:09,806 Jesus, Hart. 1132 01:15:10,016 --> 01:15:11,266 Give it a rest. 1133 01:15:11,476 --> 01:15:13,268 Sure, give it a rest. 1134 01:15:15,271 --> 01:15:16,521 What are you doing? 1135 01:15:18,066 --> 01:15:19,566 Don't do it. 1136 01:16:02,696 --> 01:16:04,071 Thank you. 1137 01:16:05,115 --> 01:16:07,241 Thank you so much. 1138 01:16:09,077 --> 01:16:10,744 I can't believe it! 1139 01:16:14,332 --> 01:16:15,624 Hi, Mom. 1140 01:16:16,710 --> 01:16:18,210 Don't do that! 1141 01:16:18,461 --> 01:16:22,715 That slow, creepy thing in the shadows. Your father used to do that. 1142 01:16:22,924 --> 01:16:24,024 Mom. 1143 01:16:26,469 --> 01:16:27,886 This isn't gonna work. 1144 01:16:28,638 --> 01:16:31,140 Honey, of course it's going to work. 1145 01:16:31,349 --> 01:16:34,393 The feds caught the Citizen. We have no one to pin it on! 1146 01:16:34,728 --> 01:16:36,145 Okay, that was bad luck. 1147 01:16:36,354 --> 01:16:40,566 But what about all these other letters from terrorist groups threatening us? 1148 01:16:40,775 --> 01:16:42,359 "Women's Liberation Front." 1149 01:16:42,652 --> 01:16:45,988 "Islamic Jihad." They're not so nuts about the swimsuit competition. 1150 01:16:46,239 --> 01:16:48,615 Any one of these could have planted a bomb. 1151 01:16:48,825 --> 01:16:50,492 When did we get those? 1152 01:16:50,910 --> 01:16:53,247 I just finished writing them. 1153 01:16:53,457 --> 01:16:55,499 Just like the Citizen letter. 1154 01:16:56,585 --> 01:16:57,877 You're a genius. 1155 01:16:58,128 --> 01:17:00,629 No, Frank. I'm just pissed off. 1156 01:17:00,839 --> 01:17:03,132 Nobody fires me and gets away with it. 1157 01:17:03,383 --> 01:17:05,509 They want a newer, hotter show... 1158 01:17:05,677 --> 01:17:06,844 ...they're gonna get it. 1159 01:17:07,471 --> 01:17:09,013 Mom, you're a little scary. 1160 01:17:09,264 --> 01:17:10,848 And you're a little bit sloppy. 1161 01:17:11,016 --> 01:17:13,934 Tuck your shirt. I don't want to tell you again. 1162 01:17:15,020 --> 01:17:16,187 Let's go home, honey. 1163 01:17:16,813 --> 01:17:17,913 Mom? 1164 01:17:19,107 --> 01:17:20,357 Oops. 1165 01:17:32,537 --> 01:17:33,996 What's up? 1166 01:17:39,503 --> 01:17:41,629 - Need a hand, boss? - I got it. 1167 01:17:48,720 --> 01:17:51,013 Okay, Vic. Beautify me. 1168 01:17:51,223 --> 01:17:55,184 Hair, makeup, shellac, whatever it is you do. That shiny stuff... 1169 01:17:55,435 --> 01:17:56,685 Where are you going? 1170 01:17:56,895 --> 01:18:01,192 Your Agent McDonald insists that I depart, or I won't be compensated. 1171 01:18:01,568 --> 01:18:04,320 No. After the top 10! I am completely on my own. 1172 01:18:04,530 --> 01:18:07,073 The FBI is gone, it's not fixed. I need you! 1173 01:18:07,241 --> 01:18:09,325 Not anymore. The cocoon is open. 1174 01:18:09,535 --> 01:18:12,495 I've taken a woman without a smidgen of estrogen... 1175 01:18:12,704 --> 01:18:14,372 ...and made her a lady. 1176 01:18:14,581 --> 01:18:17,166 - Come on. - I've never been prouder of myself. 1177 01:18:18,585 --> 01:18:19,685 Or... 1178 01:18:21,255 --> 01:18:23,589 ...of any girl I have ever coached. 1179 01:18:24,716 --> 01:18:26,425 You are truly unique. 1180 01:18:27,261 --> 01:18:31,597 If I ever had a daughter, I imagine that she would be... 1181 01:18:32,099 --> 01:18:33,266 ...something like you. 1182 01:18:35,686 --> 01:18:37,270 Which is why I never reproduced. 1183 01:18:39,481 --> 01:18:42,775 I have a really strong feeling something will happen to these girls. 1184 01:18:43,026 --> 01:18:44,694 You need to stay for me. Please. 1185 01:18:44,903 --> 01:18:46,237 I can't. 1186 01:18:46,864 --> 01:18:49,949 But I can leave you this. I was saving it for tonight. 1187 01:18:50,284 --> 01:18:52,743 It's your size, I believe. 1188 01:18:53,120 --> 01:18:54,954 Good luck to you, Gracie Lou. 1189 01:19:00,544 --> 01:19:02,253 It's been a privilege. 1190 01:19:21,275 --> 01:19:22,901 No insults today? 1191 01:19:23,152 --> 01:19:24,402 You're a Don Ho. 1192 01:19:24,612 --> 01:19:28,114 Has anyone seen Gracie? I can't believe she missed dress rehearsal. 1193 01:19:28,324 --> 01:19:31,743 Maybe she couldn't take the pressure. She ate four slices last night. 1194 01:19:31,952 --> 01:19:37,123 We all saw her glasses performance. She is not making the top 10. 1195 01:19:38,167 --> 01:19:40,126 I overslept my beauty sleep. 1196 01:19:40,336 --> 01:19:43,046 - Do you need help? - No, I'm fine. 1197 01:19:43,589 --> 01:19:45,924 I wonder which one of these... 1198 01:19:46,175 --> 01:19:47,550 ...is lipstick. 1199 01:19:50,846 --> 01:19:51,946 Ladies! 1200 01:19:52,097 --> 01:19:54,599 Now, the first thing we need to deal with... 1201 01:20:15,122 --> 01:20:17,832 Good luck, ladies! Keep it moving. Let's go! 1202 01:20:18,042 --> 01:20:19,142 Looking good, ladies. 1203 01:20:19,377 --> 01:20:21,628 Will you go back to the mothership? 1204 01:20:21,837 --> 01:20:23,505 As long as you go with me, Tex-Ass. 1205 01:20:23,714 --> 01:20:26,841 Let's go, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Texas... 1206 01:20:27,551 --> 01:20:30,011 I can't open the goddamn bottle. 1207 01:20:30,221 --> 01:20:31,321 Frank! 1208 01:20:31,472 --> 01:20:33,682 Have a good show. You guys excited? 1209 01:20:34,892 --> 01:20:35,992 Get it. 1210 01:20:40,731 --> 01:20:41,856 Where are you going? 1211 01:20:42,066 --> 01:20:44,484 I forgot my breasts. Hold on, I'll be back. 1212 01:20:50,324 --> 01:20:51,616 Going live. 1213 01:20:51,826 --> 01:20:54,911 In five, four, three... 1214 01:20:55,162 --> 01:20:58,415 It's the 75th Annual Miss United States Pageant... 1215 01:20:58,624 --> 01:21:02,210 ...live from San Antonio, Texas! 1216 01:21:13,389 --> 01:21:15,934 Good. That's the one I use at home. 1217 01:23:11,678 --> 01:23:14,513 And your host for the evening, Stan Fields! 1218 01:23:14,722 --> 01:23:17,266 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! 1219 01:23:17,475 --> 01:23:22,146 And welcome to a night of beauty, talent and poise. 1220 01:23:22,355 --> 01:23:24,815 I'm not just talking about my cohost... 1221 01:23:25,066 --> 01:23:27,570 ...Kathy Morningside! 1222 01:23:30,532 --> 01:23:33,284 - Hello, Kathy. - Stan, you charmer. 1223 01:23:33,493 --> 01:23:36,745 But you forgot to mention "incredible intelligence." 1224 01:23:36,913 --> 01:23:39,999 That was incredibly stupid of me. How can I make it up? 1225 01:23:40,250 --> 01:23:42,668 By helping me to announce the top 10... 1226 01:23:42,878 --> 01:23:47,006 ...chosen based on their performance during the preliminaries this week. 1227 01:23:47,215 --> 01:23:48,716 Here's the envelope. 1228 01:23:48,925 --> 01:23:52,094 Thank you, Scott. Ladies, hold your breath. 1229 01:23:54,890 --> 01:23:56,348 Hawaii! 1230 01:23:56,558 --> 01:23:59,810 Follow her. Beautiful. Come in for that reaction. 1231 01:24:01,313 --> 01:24:03,189 - Go to two. - Going to two. 1232 01:24:03,398 --> 01:24:04,940 California! 1233 01:24:07,235 --> 01:24:08,360 New York! 1234 01:24:11,823 --> 01:24:12,923 Alaska! 1235 01:24:15,785 --> 01:24:17,369 Texas! 1236 01:24:21,917 --> 01:24:23,292 Thank you. 1237 01:24:24,961 --> 01:24:26,837 New Jersey! 1238 01:24:29,257 --> 01:24:30,718 Thank you, thank you. 1239 01:24:31,553 --> 01:24:32,653 Oh, shit! 1240 01:24:34,223 --> 01:24:35,473 That was graceful. 1241 01:24:35,724 --> 01:24:37,350 That must have hurt. 1242 01:24:37,809 --> 01:24:39,894 But she's up and at it. 1243 01:24:46,068 --> 01:24:49,278 And last but not least, Rhode Island. 1244 01:24:53,992 --> 01:24:57,912 And there they are! This year's top 10 finalists. 1245 01:25:00,999 --> 01:25:02,917 Well, the top 10 have been chosen. 1246 01:25:03,126 --> 01:25:06,796 We'll be right back with tonight's swimsuit competition. 1247 01:25:13,679 --> 01:25:15,846 I checked out Kathy Morningside. 1248 01:25:16,014 --> 01:25:18,391 - Anything? - Not even a traffic ticket. 1249 01:25:18,642 --> 01:25:23,187 Model citizen. Beauty contestant, pageant director, loving mom. 1250 01:25:23,397 --> 01:25:25,690 - She's married? - Widow. One son. 1251 01:25:25,941 --> 01:25:28,943 A sniveling, obsequious weasel of a human being. 1252 01:25:30,028 --> 01:25:33,155 - You know her son? - So do you. It's Frank. 1253 01:25:33,365 --> 01:25:36,033 - Her assistant? - Asshole Frank? 1254 01:25:36,203 --> 01:25:37,303 One and the same. 1255 01:25:37,454 --> 01:25:40,456 She never mentioned anything. Anything come up on the CCH? 1256 01:25:40,666 --> 01:25:42,041 Nothing on Frank Tobin. 1257 01:25:42,209 --> 01:25:44,419 There wouldn't be. His name is Morningside. 1258 01:25:44,670 --> 01:25:47,463 He changed it to cover his many indiscretions. 1259 01:25:48,215 --> 01:25:49,841 Wait. How do you know that? 1260 01:25:50,718 --> 01:25:53,219 I've been around this pageant for many years. 1261 01:25:53,470 --> 01:25:56,723 I could shock you with the intimate details I'm privy to. 1262 01:26:13,824 --> 01:26:15,241 Good job! Good job 1263 01:26:15,451 --> 01:26:18,328 Keep going, everybody. Keep moving. 1264 01:26:22,583 --> 01:26:23,683 Hey, hey. 1265 01:26:23,876 --> 01:26:25,335 I got you something. 1266 01:26:26,670 --> 01:26:28,254 Oh! Oh. 1267 01:26:28,505 --> 01:26:29,605 I couldn't... 1268 01:26:29,840 --> 01:26:32,425 You ate pizza, you stole panties, you're wild. 1269 01:26:32,676 --> 01:26:34,677 We worked on this, remember? 1270 01:26:35,262 --> 01:26:36,596 You're gonna be great. 1271 01:26:43,898 --> 01:26:46,399 - Can I see your ticket? - Federal officer. 1272 01:26:47,234 --> 01:26:48,735 I'm with him. 1273 01:27:20,893 --> 01:27:22,602 Gentlemen, you can't go in... 1274 01:27:22,770 --> 01:27:23,870 Victor! 1275 01:27:24,814 --> 01:27:26,147 He's with me. 1276 01:27:27,650 --> 01:27:29,818 Wait. I'm not "with him" with him. 1277 01:27:30,069 --> 01:27:31,653 Come on, muffin. 1278 01:27:45,751 --> 01:27:49,172 Thank you! She certainly lit my fire. 1279 01:27:50,925 --> 01:27:53,301 Now you can wear Satan's panties! 1280 01:27:55,430 --> 01:27:58,098 Oh, my God, I gotta go on! 1281 01:28:02,812 --> 01:28:04,813 - Hey, Hart. - What are you doing here? 1282 01:28:05,064 --> 01:28:08,692 I think you might have been right. Frank is Kathy Morningside's son. 1283 01:28:08,860 --> 01:28:10,444 Disgusting, perverted Frank? 1284 01:28:10,695 --> 01:28:12,946 He cleared under another name. I ran a new CCH. 1285 01:28:13,156 --> 01:28:15,699 DUI, assault, even a weapons charge. 1286 01:28:15,950 --> 01:28:17,284 Are we doing full deployment? 1287 01:28:17,493 --> 01:28:20,162 McDonald didn't want to hear about it. It's just us. 1288 01:28:20,997 --> 01:28:23,206 Interview set change, five minutes. 1289 01:28:23,374 --> 01:28:25,208 Good show, Mr. Tobin. 1290 01:28:26,169 --> 01:28:29,671 Get ready. Interview set change, five minutes. 1291 01:28:33,009 --> 01:28:35,135 You're up next, New Jersey. 1292 01:28:35,344 --> 01:28:36,887 I gotta get my glasses. 1293 01:28:38,556 --> 01:28:40,807 Hey! You're drinking my talent! 1294 01:28:41,017 --> 01:28:43,143 You got to make it into the top five. 1295 01:28:43,352 --> 01:28:45,061 - Can you whistle? - No! 1296 01:28:45,229 --> 01:28:47,189 - Make hand puppets? - No! 1297 01:28:47,398 --> 01:28:49,399 I had a girl who rearranged furniture. 1298 01:28:49,650 --> 01:28:52,110 You said all I have is sarcasm and a gun. 1299 01:28:52,361 --> 01:28:54,031 That and a right hook. 1300 01:28:54,908 --> 01:28:59,828 And now, the musical stylings of Gracie Lou Freebush. 1301 01:29:04,250 --> 01:29:05,350 Good evening. 1302 01:29:05,502 --> 01:29:09,379 The program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you... 1303 01:29:09,589 --> 01:29:11,089 ...but the girls got dehydrated. 1304 01:29:12,759 --> 01:29:13,884 No water glasses? 1305 01:29:14,761 --> 01:29:16,720 You want me to go to a commercial? 1306 01:29:16,930 --> 01:29:19,264 No, stay on her. Go with it. 1307 01:29:19,516 --> 01:29:23,894 I believe no woman should be without a basic knowledge of self-defense. 1308 01:29:24,103 --> 01:29:28,190 So in order to show you this, I'm gonna need a little help. 1309 01:29:28,691 --> 01:29:32,528 I would like to bring out my assistant, Eric Bob. 1310 01:29:36,741 --> 01:29:39,618 More changes? Follow her. Stay on her. 1311 01:29:39,786 --> 01:29:42,663 - How to inflict damage with the least amount of force. 1312 01:29:43,248 --> 01:29:48,627 In some cases, your attacker might come at you in a frontal assault. 1313 01:29:54,968 --> 01:29:56,969 Use the heel of your hand and thrust. 1314 01:29:57,178 --> 01:30:00,683 This will cause the nose to break and your assailant's eyes to tear... 1315 01:30:00,892 --> 01:30:02,476 ...giving you a chance to get away. 1316 01:30:02,727 --> 01:30:06,730 All right. Let's say your assailant comes at you from behind. 1317 01:30:12,195 --> 01:30:13,821 Attack me! 1318 01:30:14,489 --> 01:30:15,589 Oh. 1319 01:30:15,740 --> 01:30:18,409 Little Eric looks a little scared. 1320 01:30:21,621 --> 01:30:24,081 Maybe he needs a little applause. 1321 01:30:24,958 --> 01:30:26,625 Yeah! Eric! 1322 01:30:40,515 --> 01:30:42,308 She's kicking his ass! 1323 01:30:44,603 --> 01:30:46,228 You were the best queen ever. 1324 01:30:46,438 --> 01:30:48,522 Thank you, that is so sweet. 1325 01:30:48,773 --> 01:30:51,358 Ladies, give Lori some room to breathe. 1326 01:30:51,610 --> 01:30:53,027 Go on, now. 1327 01:30:53,361 --> 01:30:54,945 You need some powder. 1328 01:30:55,155 --> 01:30:57,114 You don't have to hold the crown all night. 1329 01:30:57,324 --> 01:30:59,783 My God, that is disgraceful. 1330 01:30:59,951 --> 01:31:01,051 Frank! 1331 01:31:01,244 --> 01:31:04,540 Take this to the prop master. See if you can't get it to shine. 1332 01:31:04,833 --> 01:31:08,753 If all else fails, go for the four sensitive areas of the body. 1333 01:31:08,962 --> 01:31:10,630 But just remember to "sing." 1334 01:31:10,839 --> 01:31:12,757 S-l-N-G. 1335 01:31:16,762 --> 01:31:18,679 Solar plexus, instep... 1336 01:31:18,889 --> 01:31:20,973 ...nose, groin! 1337 01:31:22,225 --> 01:31:23,392 SING. 1338 01:31:30,817 --> 01:31:32,234 Cue Stan. 1339 01:31:33,570 --> 01:31:34,695 Whoa. 1340 01:31:35,405 --> 01:31:37,281 Welcome to the Garden State! 1341 01:31:37,491 --> 01:31:42,536 When we return, we'll find out who those lucky final five are. 1342 01:31:44,998 --> 01:31:46,540 Let's go find Frank. 1343 01:31:46,750 --> 01:31:48,417 Take left. I'll take this side. 1344 01:31:48,669 --> 01:31:50,294 No, evening gown. Now. 1345 01:31:59,096 --> 01:32:01,430 Ladies! In one moment, five of you... 1346 01:32:01,598 --> 01:32:03,933 ...will be one step closer to the crown. 1347 01:32:05,519 --> 01:32:07,937 And one of those five... 1348 01:32:08,355 --> 01:32:09,691 ...is... 1349 01:32:12,194 --> 01:32:13,319 ...California! 1350 01:32:16,115 --> 01:32:17,907 Leslie Williams is a music major. 1351 01:32:18,117 --> 01:32:21,911 She believes in the healing power of music. Loves opera, reggae... 1352 01:32:22,204 --> 01:32:25,832 ...and, like any true California girl, the Beach Boys. 1353 01:32:27,251 --> 01:32:28,710 Rhode Island! 1354 01:32:29,795 --> 01:32:32,797 Cheryl Frasier is a science major. Her field is... 1355 01:32:32,965 --> 01:32:37,135 ...nuclear fission with a minor in elementary particles. 1356 01:32:39,096 --> 01:32:40,388 Nebraska! 1357 01:32:41,473 --> 01:32:45,101 For Kelly Beth Kelly, all the world is a stage. 1358 01:32:45,436 --> 01:32:47,311 A theater major... 1359 01:32:47,479 --> 01:32:51,482 ...she helps run a drama program for underprivileged children. 1360 01:32:52,151 --> 01:32:53,568 New Jersey! 1361 01:32:54,653 --> 01:32:58,448 Gracie Lou Freebush hopes to become a pediatrician. 1362 01:32:58,657 --> 01:33:00,950 Gracie, it's you. Go! 1363 01:33:01,160 --> 01:33:05,496 Her hobbies include figure skating, water ballet... 1364 01:33:05,748 --> 01:33:08,666 ...and taking long, luxurious bubble baths. 1365 01:33:10,794 --> 01:33:12,503 You go, Gracie Lou. 1366 01:33:13,130 --> 01:33:15,675 And our fifth finalist: 1367 01:33:15,885 --> 01:33:17,844 Texas! 1368 01:33:18,512 --> 01:33:21,181 Mary Jo Wright is a psychology major. 1369 01:33:21,432 --> 01:33:24,684 In her spare time, she works in a homeless shelter... 1370 01:33:24,935 --> 01:33:26,478 ...and eats Mexican food. 1371 01:33:28,189 --> 01:33:31,900 Thank you, ladies. You were magnificent. 1372 01:33:37,114 --> 01:33:39,199 I want all the lesbians to know... 1373 01:33:39,408 --> 01:33:41,701 ...if I can make it to the top 10, so can you! 1374 01:33:41,911 --> 01:33:43,661 Big out to Brooklyn! Yo! 1375 01:33:44,455 --> 01:33:45,705 Get her off of there! 1376 01:33:45,956 --> 01:33:47,207 Go to Stan! 1377 01:33:48,209 --> 01:33:49,959 Tina, I love you, baby! 1378 01:33:50,169 --> 01:33:52,504 I love you, Karen! 1379 01:33:55,841 --> 01:33:57,300 Whoo! Yeah! 1380 01:33:57,551 --> 01:34:02,180 And we'll be right back with our final five lesbians. Interviews. 1381 01:34:02,389 --> 01:34:05,517 Bumper. Commercial. Can we say "lesbians"? 1382 01:34:05,726 --> 01:34:07,310 You got a problem with that? 1383 01:34:08,229 --> 01:34:12,065 In a way, America is like a big ship. 1384 01:34:12,358 --> 01:34:15,568 When we work together and respect each other... 1385 01:34:15,820 --> 01:34:18,404 ...that's when the ship gets safely home. 1386 01:34:19,448 --> 01:34:21,076 Terrific answer. 1387 01:34:21,327 --> 01:34:22,427 Damn it. 1388 01:34:25,248 --> 01:34:26,581 New Jersey. 1389 01:34:26,916 --> 01:34:29,876 As you may know, there are many who consider... 1390 01:34:30,086 --> 01:34:35,257 ...the Miss United States pageant to be outdated and antifeminist. 1391 01:34:35,591 --> 01:34:37,259 What would you say to them? 1392 01:34:37,593 --> 01:34:38,927 Oh, my God. 1393 01:34:39,095 --> 01:34:42,264 I would have to say, I used to be one of them. 1394 01:34:44,475 --> 01:34:46,768 And then I came here... 1395 01:34:47,019 --> 01:34:48,603 ...and I realized that... 1396 01:34:48,771 --> 01:34:53,358 ...these women are smart, terrific people... 1397 01:34:53,568 --> 01:34:58,113 ...who are just trying to make a difference in the world. 1398 01:34:59,365 --> 01:35:01,867 We've become really good friends. 1399 01:35:02,785 --> 01:35:07,205 I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face... 1400 01:35:08,124 --> 01:35:10,876 Wait a minute! I've already done that! 1401 01:35:15,798 --> 01:35:20,010 For me, this experience has been one of the most rewarding... 1402 01:35:21,429 --> 01:35:24,139 ...and liberating experiences of my life. 1403 01:35:27,061 --> 01:35:28,729 My God. 1404 01:35:29,397 --> 01:35:30,606 I did it. 1405 01:35:33,818 --> 01:35:35,068 And if anyone... 1406 01:35:35,570 --> 01:35:36,820 ...anyone... 1407 01:35:37,322 --> 01:35:39,531 ...tries to hurt one of my new friends... 1408 01:35:40,074 --> 01:35:41,575 ...I would take them out. 1409 01:35:42,243 --> 01:35:45,662 I would make them suffer so much, they'd wish they were never born. 1410 01:35:45,830 --> 01:35:49,833 And if they ran, I would hunt them down. 1411 01:35:54,547 --> 01:35:55,672 Thank you, Kathy. 1412 01:36:00,803 --> 01:36:04,765 A brief, shining moment, and then that mouth. 1413 01:36:06,267 --> 01:36:08,518 Helps if you pull it out. 1414 01:36:09,854 --> 01:36:11,855 Good luck, ladies. 1415 01:36:12,065 --> 01:36:14,274 Where's the crown? I wanted to rub it for luck. 1416 01:36:14,525 --> 01:36:16,151 Frank took it to get it polished. 1417 01:36:16,361 --> 01:36:19,154 I'll have it by the time they announce the winner. 1418 01:36:20,365 --> 01:36:21,865 My God! It's the crown! 1419 01:36:22,116 --> 01:36:24,159 Yes, it is. You can taste it now... 1420 01:36:24,369 --> 01:36:25,577 No, no, no! 1421 01:36:25,787 --> 01:36:29,998 It goes Texas, Rhode Island and New Jersey. Let's go. 1422 01:36:30,291 --> 01:36:32,336 Not the... This. In the... 1423 01:36:32,545 --> 01:36:34,171 Finale positions. 1424 01:36:34,381 --> 01:36:39,385 Yes. Wear the crown. Be the crown. You are the crown. 1425 01:36:44,557 --> 01:36:49,895 And now, the moment of truth and beauty. 1426 01:36:50,981 --> 01:36:52,398 The envelope, please. 1427 01:37:05,829 --> 01:37:06,929 What? 1428 01:37:07,998 --> 01:37:09,915 A lot of tension. 1429 01:37:10,250 --> 01:37:12,001 The fourth runner-up is... 1430 01:37:12,752 --> 01:37:13,852 ...California! 1431 01:37:22,595 --> 01:37:24,346 The third runner-up is... 1432 01:37:26,766 --> 01:37:28,100 ...Nebraska! 1433 01:37:36,234 --> 01:37:38,946 - Am I in danger here? - Wait here. 1434 01:37:39,156 --> 01:37:41,449 The second runner-up is Texas! 1435 01:37:56,423 --> 01:37:57,715 Drop it! 1436 01:37:58,050 --> 01:37:59,592 I mean it! Drop it! 1437 01:37:59,801 --> 01:38:00,901 This is it. 1438 01:38:01,094 --> 01:38:02,194 The moment. 1439 01:38:02,304 --> 01:38:06,307 One of these two ladies will wear the crown. 1440 01:38:07,434 --> 01:38:09,310 Listen to me! 1441 01:38:09,478 --> 01:38:11,645 I'm gonna reach for my badge, slow. 1442 01:38:11,813 --> 01:38:13,689 You do, and you're dead. 1443 01:38:16,151 --> 01:38:17,485 The first runner-up... 1444 01:38:17,736 --> 01:38:20,988 ...who will have to take the winner's place if, for any reason... 1445 01:38:21,198 --> 01:38:23,199 ...she cannot fulfill her duties is: 1446 01:38:25,160 --> 01:38:26,952 New Jersey! Which means... 1447 01:38:27,162 --> 01:38:28,573 ...our new Miss United States is: 1448 01:38:28,705 --> 01:38:29,805 Don't take the crown. 1449 01:38:29,998 --> 01:38:31,665 Rhode Island's Cheryl Frasier! 1450 01:38:31,833 --> 01:38:35,961 - Don't take the crown. Trust me. - I can't hear you. What? 1451 01:38:39,216 --> 01:38:41,967 She reigns over all she sees 1452 01:38:42,846 --> 01:38:44,847 She's beauty and she's grace 1453 01:38:45,015 --> 01:38:49,727 She's queen of 50 states She's elegance and taste 1454 01:38:50,354 --> 01:38:52,647 She's Miss United States 1455 01:38:53,649 --> 01:38:56,734 Hold your crown up high 1456 01:38:58,779 --> 01:39:02,281 Go ahead, hold your crown up high 1457 01:39:04,827 --> 01:39:06,494 Raise it to the sky 1458 01:39:08,372 --> 01:39:09,831 Jersey's gone berserk! 1459 01:39:10,249 --> 01:39:11,833 Get her off the stage! 1460 01:39:12,000 --> 01:39:13,709 Get away! Get away! 1461 01:39:14,545 --> 01:39:16,963 Hold your crown up high 1462 01:39:18,507 --> 01:39:21,551 Raise it to the sky 1463 01:39:22,553 --> 01:39:26,514 Hold your crown up high 1464 01:39:33,355 --> 01:39:34,638 She stands for all that's good 1465 01:39:35,357 --> 01:39:38,067 She loves her neighborhood 1466 01:39:40,154 --> 01:39:43,156 She's friends with everyone she meets 1467 01:39:45,242 --> 01:39:47,326 She's beauty and she's grace 1468 01:39:47,578 --> 01:39:49,706 She's queen of 50 states 1469 01:39:50,708 --> 01:39:54,377 She's elegance and taste 1470 01:39:54,545 --> 01:39:57,422 She's Miss United States 1471 01:39:57,590 --> 01:39:59,716 Hold your crown up high 1472 01:39:59,884 --> 01:40:00,984 Gracie! 1473 01:40:01,218 --> 01:40:05,722 Hold your crown up high 1474 01:40:25,075 --> 01:40:28,119 She's Miss United States. 1475 01:40:30,456 --> 01:40:31,915 Okay. 1476 01:40:33,334 --> 01:40:35,126 Good show, everybody. 1477 01:40:36,128 --> 01:40:39,923 - I was right in the middle of my song! - There she is! 1478 01:40:42,635 --> 01:40:45,303 You got nothing on me. This is ridiculous. 1479 01:40:45,554 --> 01:40:49,098 Where you're going, they'd love to meet a former beauty queen. 1480 01:40:49,308 --> 01:40:51,476 When he says meet, he means M-E-A-T. 1481 01:40:53,981 --> 01:40:55,482 Miss Hart, you don't understand. 1482 01:40:55,650 --> 01:40:59,361 All I'm guilty of is trying to make the world a more beautiful place. 1483 01:40:59,570 --> 01:41:00,820 Look at yourself. 1484 01:41:00,988 --> 01:41:04,157 When I met you, Dennis Rodman looked better in a dress. 1485 01:41:04,408 --> 01:41:06,743 But now you're a lady! I did that. 1486 01:41:06,953 --> 01:41:11,164 Vic did that, and a team of highly specialized federal manicurists... 1487 01:41:11,374 --> 01:41:13,875 ...and people who make you beautiful. 1488 01:41:14,085 --> 01:41:15,460 Get in the car. 1489 01:41:15,670 --> 01:41:17,587 You think you saved something. 1490 01:41:17,797 --> 01:41:22,133 All you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over the country. 1491 01:41:22,343 --> 01:41:23,969 Their dream is to get blown up? 1492 01:41:24,178 --> 01:41:26,179 You got a good shot at that insanity plea. 1493 01:41:26,681 --> 01:41:27,806 I earned it! 1494 01:41:28,015 --> 01:41:30,642 Years of bitching beauty queens and what do I get? 1495 01:41:30,851 --> 01:41:34,771 Fired! They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant. 1496 01:41:34,981 --> 01:41:39,192 Hey! It is not a beauty pageant. It is a scholarship program. 1497 01:41:39,402 --> 01:41:40,902 Yeah, yeah. 1498 01:41:41,028 --> 01:41:42,128 "Yes." 1499 01:41:47,535 --> 01:41:52,330 Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant! 1500 01:41:56,460 --> 01:41:58,920 - Get it? The Women's Correctional... - Hey. 1501 01:42:00,216 --> 01:42:01,717 That was good work. 1502 01:42:04,220 --> 01:42:05,429 Right back at you. 1503 01:42:08,558 --> 01:42:10,934 So, how does it feel? 1504 01:42:11,644 --> 01:42:13,520 Throwing the rule book out of the window? 1505 01:42:13,730 --> 01:42:15,480 Pretty good, actually. 1506 01:42:16,441 --> 01:42:18,066 I was thinking... 1507 01:42:18,234 --> 01:42:19,651 ...when we get back... 1508 01:42:19,861 --> 01:42:23,238 ...after we write up our reports and you get all ugly again... 1509 01:42:23,656 --> 01:42:25,741 ...maybe we could have dinner? 1510 01:42:25,950 --> 01:42:28,410 What? You asking me out on a date? 1511 01:42:29,078 --> 01:42:30,746 No. Just a casual dinner. 1512 01:42:30,997 --> 01:42:33,915 If we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it. 1513 01:42:37,503 --> 01:42:40,422 You think I'm gorgeous. 1514 01:42:40,590 --> 01:42:43,467 You want to date me... 1515 01:42:43,676 --> 01:42:46,511 ...love me and marry me. 1516 01:42:57,982 --> 01:42:59,900 A part of you is gonna miss this. 1517 01:43:00,109 --> 01:43:02,277 The heels. They do something for my posture. 1518 01:43:02,528 --> 01:43:04,696 I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts. 1519 01:43:04,908 --> 01:43:07,284 - Funny, me too. - Agent Matthews! Gracie! 1520 01:43:07,535 --> 01:43:08,869 Thank God you're still here. 1521 01:43:09,079 --> 01:43:10,621 There's been an emergency. 1522 01:43:10,872 --> 01:43:14,291 Somebody found some sort of incendiary device. 1523 01:43:14,501 --> 01:43:16,293 Come on, quickly! 1524 01:43:16,878 --> 01:43:17,978 Excuse me. FBI. 1525 01:43:18,088 --> 01:43:22,132 She saved the pageant, she saved our lives, and here she is! 1526 01:43:25,512 --> 01:43:26,804 That's not gonna work for me. 1527 01:43:27,889 --> 01:43:29,139 I can't go up there! 1528 01:43:29,432 --> 01:43:30,766 It was his idea, Gracie Lou. 1529 01:43:30,975 --> 01:43:33,811 I'd never get you here unless you could shoot someone. 1530 01:43:34,062 --> 01:43:35,813 You'll get yours, Henry Higgins. 1531 01:43:36,523 --> 01:43:37,623 Come on. 1532 01:43:37,774 --> 01:43:39,149 Come on! 1533 01:43:42,028 --> 01:43:47,116 Ladies and gentlemen, agent Gracie Hart of the FBI! 1534 01:43:50,537 --> 01:43:51,829 Not so fast! 1535 01:43:52,080 --> 01:43:55,165 Because even though you're a federal officer... 1536 01:43:55,458 --> 01:43:59,169 ...to us, you will always be Gracie Lou Freebush. 1537 01:43:59,337 --> 01:44:04,174 The nicest, sweetest, coolest girl at the pageant... 1538 01:44:04,426 --> 01:44:07,177 ...and this year's Miss Congeniality! 1539 01:44:24,197 --> 01:44:25,364 I, uh... 1540 01:44:25,782 --> 01:44:27,825 I don't know what to say. 1541 01:44:28,994 --> 01:44:30,953 Except for... 1542 01:44:31,371 --> 01:44:33,122 ...I can't wear this at work. 1543 01:44:35,542 --> 01:44:38,377 I never thought anything like this would happen to me. 1544 01:44:38,879 --> 01:44:42,590 I kind of hoped it wouldn't. But now that it has... 1545 01:44:43,049 --> 01:44:44,592 ...I just want to say that... 1546 01:44:44,801 --> 01:44:46,218 ...I'm very... 1547 01:44:49,389 --> 01:44:50,489 ...very honored. 1548 01:44:51,975 --> 01:44:53,075 And... 1549 01:44:54,227 --> 01:44:55,327 ...moved. 1550 01:44:55,896 --> 01:44:57,104 And... 1551 01:44:59,733 --> 01:45:01,400 ...truly touched. 1552 01:45:05,197 --> 01:45:06,363 And... 1553 01:45:13,622 --> 01:45:15,498 ...I really do want world peace.