(CHILDREN PLAYING)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Everybody inside!
Come on. Time for your chores.
But, Sister Mary-Mengele, the game's tied.
Can't we just play another couple minutes? Please!
No, you can't. Now get inside.
And pick up that soccer can
and put it back in the equipment shed where it belongs.
Wait a second, Sis, you got to hear us out.
(SINGING) We didn't ask for this
We didn't pray for this
I may not have a sis Or know my mother's kiss
But that doesn't matter because
Everybody is special
We're not inconsequential
MARY-MENGELE: Shut up!
What do you think this is, The Sound of Music?
Get in there. Come on.
Enough with the singing.
One, two, three, four, five, six
Roadrunner, roadrunner
Come on, come on, move it. No wonder your parents didn't want yous.
(CAR APPROACHING)
Gonna drive past the Stop & Shop With the radio on
I'm in love with Massachusetts
And the neon when it's cold outside
And the highway when it's late at night
With the radio on
(SCREAMS)
(BABY COOING)
(GASPS)
Good Lord!
Mother Superior, come quickly!
Oh, my! Angels from heaven!
They're like the Holy Trinity. I get to give them the first bottle.
Let me give them a bath.
Can they sleep in my room tonight?
Now hold on, ladies. Everyone's going to get their turn.
NUN: It's not my turn, get somebody else. (SIGHING)
Sister Ricarda, how about you?
Will you please go tell the boys to come down for lunch?
I would, Mother Superior, I swear I would,
but the doctor told me to steer clear of them for a couple of weeks,
on account of my nerves.
How about you, Sister Rosemary?
Oh, yeah! Just like the Army?
Put the black folks on the front line. Uh-uh.
What about Sister Mary-Mengele? She knows how to handle them.
Oh, poor thing. She has a toothache, so she went to lie down.
You mean she's asleep?
Where are the boys?
Huh.
I haven't seen a case like this in years.
And would you look at all that metal in her mouth.
Must be too much iron in the water.
Don't you worry, Sis. You're in good hands.
We'll have that bum tooth out in no time.
(GRUNTING)
Anesthetic. Anesthetic.
Fifteen milligrams. Give.
Five, ten, fifteen.
(SNORING)
(KNOCK ON DOOR) MOTHER SUPERIOR: Boys?
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
Open up, please.
It's the head penguin. Boxcar seven on three. Break.
One, two, three.
I said open this door.
(PRACTICING VIOLIN)
What are you three up to?
Just dabbling in the arts.
Indubitably.
Oh! Well, lunch is ready.
Oh, boy. Eats.
(WHOOPING EXCITEDLY)
You're not going to believe this.
That rich couple just called. They're going to be here in five minutes.
Oh, goodness! But we're not prepared.
All right, well, you'd better inform all the children
and tell them to make themselves presentable.
What about Moe, Larry and Curly?
Well, you know what to do,
just throw them some chew toys and keep them out of sight.
We were thinking that
maybe this time we could hide the other kids
and then with a little help from the Lord we could...
It's called the bait and switch.
(GASPS)
Absolutely not!
Look, as much as I would love to see those boys get adopted,
I'm afraid they're not ready yet.
And I can't chance scaring off another couple.
That's it! I quit.
What? It's too dangerous
living around here with those three boys.
I need a safer working environment.
But where would you go?
Don't worry about me.
I got a cousin who hauls traps on one of those Alaskan crab boats.
One of the crew fell off and got eaten by sharks.
He's going to slide me right into that slot.
You think they got room for one more?
Okay, hold on, everybody. Just wait a minute.
(SIGHS)
Have the boys meet me in my office.
MRS. HARTER: I hope you'll forgive us for coming early.
We just couldn't stand to wait another day.
Oh, we understand, Mrs. Harter.
This is a great surprise.
We have three delightful youngsters for you to meet.
Three? We were under the impression there were more than that.
Nope, that's it. Just the three.
Children, get on in here. Mr. And Mrs. Harter don't have all day.
ALL: (HARMONIZING) Hello
Hello.
(HEADS KNOCK)
How precious.
Yes, I certainly don't envy you
having to choose between such amazing children.
The choice is easy. I'm your guy.
That is so cute. (TAP DANCING)
Absolutely adorable. How long's he got?
Hmm?
He's taking chemo, right?
No, no, no, he's healthy as a mule.
And almost as smart.
Recede, Bojangles.
Pick me. I make the best potato peel and eggshell smoothies in town.
(LAUGHS)
If you choose me, I'll let you play with my pet rat, Nippy.
I even taught him a few tricks.
Oh, boys and their rodents.
Mother Superior, may I have a glass of milk, please?
Oh, who is this?
Hi, my name is Teddy, and someday I'm going to have a puppy.
MRS. HARTER: Oh, my God! He's wonderful.
I thought you said there were only the three.
I never said that. I said about three.
All right, Teddy, get in line with the others.
Go ahead.
(GROWLING)
Down, boy.
MOTHER SUPERIOR: Straighten up, boys.
Mr. And Mrs. Harter have a big decision to make.
Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
(SIGHS)
Teddy, this is going to be a day you'll never forget.
My wife and I have decided
that our family won't be complete
until you tell Moe that he's coming home with us.
What do you say, sport? You want to be part of a real family?
Boy, would I ever!
Thank you. We're so excited.
If you fellas are ever out in horse country...
(SNIFFLING)
...shopping for a polo pony,
you'll look me up, right?
Sure, Moe.
We'll, you know, keep in touch.
Ah! Quit your blubbering.
What are you trying to do? Rain on my parade?
No, Moe. These are tears of joy. Honest.
Sorry.
You fellas mind if I have something to remember you by?
You name it, Moe.
(MOANS)
Come here, groundhog.
(GROANS)
Thanks, fellas.
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Hey, Moe, do you know what day today is?
No clue.
It's your birthday.
Really?
To us it is,
because today is the day that you came into our lives.
So, what would you like as a birthday present?
Uh... I'm good. This lollypop's really hitting the spot.
(LAUGHS) Now, come on.
Come on, there's got to be something that would make your birthday complete.
Just go crazy, champ. Anything your heart desires.
Well, when you put it that way.
Well? What is it?
He, uh...
He wants us to go back and get his two friends.
Moe.
Three youngsters are an awful lot to take on all at once.
Don't you see, Pop, that's the beauty of it.
It's not going to cost you a dime extra.
Them two termites can bunk with me.
I'll even split my meals with them.
Yeah, I don't know, Moe...
And you don't have to worry about sending them to fancy schools
because they're not interested in reading or numbers.
Heavy lifting and ditch digging, that's their dream.
Wow.
Those guys really mean a lot to you, don't they?
They're all I've ever had.
Moe's right, honey.
We can't possibly separate these three boys.
There we go. That's my mom talking.
Forget it! It was a bad idea.
I don't want nothing.
Mommy, Daddy.
Please!
Don't go.
Moe!
Moe, what are you doing back?
Uh...
I...
Come on, spill it. What happened?
They were full of baloney.
As soon as we got on the road, they start spouting off
about me eating my veggies and washing behind my ears and chores!
Get this, they wanted me to clean the pool and squeegee the tennis courts.
Every week! Oh, and by the way...
(GROANS)
That's for all the stupid things you did while I was gone.
I told you he'd find out.
Come on. Let's go start a small brushfire and whiz it out.
(SIGHS)
(MACHINERY WHIRRING)
It's 12:05 and nothing rang.
Weren't those morons supposed to fix the bell last week?
Have patience, Sister Mary-Mengele, they do their best.
At least they're working on something in there.
Yeah, they've been at it all morning.
Yeah, well, I think I'll go have a little word with them.
(HAMMERING)
When are you clowns going to fix that...
(SAWING)
(SOUNDS STOP)
(BOYS SNORING)
I knew it.
(SNORTS)
(GROANING)
It's an earthquake.
Man the lifeboats. Women and children first.
(GASPS) It's Attila the Nun. She's 100 yards out and closing fast.
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
You're lucky I'm not in charge
or you three would've been run out of here a long time ago.
Now, get up on that roof and fix the bell, you no-good lazy bums!
(YAWNING) Who're you calling lazy?
You! And if any of yous have got a problem with it
you can step forward right now.
Oh, yeah? You got something to say?
Go ahead, champ. Show her who's boss.
(GRUNTING AND WHOOPING)
(BONES CRACKING) (WAILING)
(BARKING)
(SNARLING)
(WHIMPERING)
(HISSING)
BOYS: And left, right, left. Left, right, left.
Left, right, left.
And company halt. Drop anchor.
Here we go, here we go. There we go.
Success. Success.
All right, break it up.
How're we going to get at the bell? It's hiding in that box.
Why don't you go buy a toupee with some brains in it? We'll cut it open.
Hey, onion-head, go on back to the shed and grab the chainsaw.
Why doesn't Larry go?
Because he's got a headache. No, I don't.
How about now? Yeah, it's coming on.
(WHISTLING)
Hey, guys, how's it hanging?
Heya, Murph. Hey, Murph.
You feeling any better?
We missed you at the poker game last night.
I'm okay, I guess. So, who was the big winner?
Ah! Peezer cleaned us out.
Peezer? He's seven.
Yeah, but he wears those sunglasses,
you can't tell what he's thinking.
We'll check in on you later, Murph.
See you. MOE: Bye, Murph.
See you, Murph.
Monsignor Ratliffe? We weren't expecting you.
I need to speak to Mother Superior. It's rather urgent.
Here you go, Murph. Look what I brought you!
Oh, boy! Cheese!
Where'd you snag this from?
Mousetraps up in the attic.
(SPITS)
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
Oh, come on, Murph.
You got to keep up your cheese molecules so you can get your strength back.
Enough with the melodrama.
I'm sorry, Murph. It's just,
ever since my brother, Weezer, got shipped to that foster home
you're all I got.
Oh, Peez, come on. Don't start feeling sorry for yourself again.
You think you're the only kid in the world who ever watched his parents drown,
then got sent to an orphanage, then a couple of weeks later
had his only brother dragged away kicking and screaming? Dude, it happens.
Yeah, I know I'm being a wuss again.
Look, Peez, I'm not going anywhere.
You and me, we're family now.
We're BFFs forever.
Just like Moe, Larry and Curly.
MOE: Where's Curly with that saw?
How should I know?
Well, come on, let's try to pry this thing off.
All right. We'll get this done the right way.
Yeah. Watch yourself. Wedge it.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
We're getting nowhere fast. Wait a minute.
Hey, mongoose, grab that sledgehammer.
On the count of three hit down on this thing.
You got it.
Starting to get a half a brain in my skull here.
One, two, three.
(GROANS)
Sorry, Moe, it was an honest mistake, honest!
Oh, that's okay, kid.
Mistakes can happen in the best of families.
This sledgehammer is probably just a tad off-kilter.
Yeah, it did feel a little funny.
Here, let me have a look.
Yeah, I know what you... Ow! My neck!
How do you feel now? All right.
That's good. Come on, what's a matter with you?
Quit wasting time.
And there's nothing else we can do?
I'm afraid not.
(SIGHS)
Please send for Moe, Larry and Curly.
I better give them the news first.
Yes, Mother Superior.
I hope you're also going to tell them who's responsible for this.
Oh, let's not play the blame game, Sister.
I'll just tell them what they need to know.
(CURLY VOCALIZING)
(HONKS)
(CHAINSAW REVVING)
Ah! Ah!
(BARKING)
(CHAINSAW IDLING)
Ah!
(HUMMING)
I got the saw, Moe.
Yeah, well, you're too late... (EXCLAIMING)
What's a matter with you? You trying to hurt someone? Why you...
(WAILING)
Oh, look.
Now look what you did. It's not my fault.
It was a chain reaction on the saw. See? Saw.
Oh, a punster, eh? Where's that hammer?
No. Where's that hammer?
Give it to me.
CURLY: No, Moe, please! Oh, Moe!
Oh, boys.
No, no, Moe! I'm a victim of circumstance!
I'll circumstance you!
Those morons.
MOE: Why you! (CURLY WAILING)
What the...
Hey! Quit horsing around, you two.
You're disturbing my coffee break.
Oh, boy, donuts! Where's mine?
They're small.
Why don't you have two? Okay.
Ah! (SHUDDERING)
Now look what you did, Moe! You got donut stuck in my ears.
Hey, you're in luck. They got a donut remover right here.
What's a donut remover?
It's one of these.
"Donut Remove-uh."
Huh. What are the odds of that?
MARY-MENGELE: Hey, mugwumps!
Mother Superior is looking for you.
Here, let me get it for you.
(MOE STUTTERING) (CURLY EXCLAIMING IN PANIC)
(DINGING)
(ECHOING)
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
Uh-oh! Is that Sister Mary-Mengele?
I don't know, but the face rings a bell.
Remind me to gouge your eyeballs out later.
Don't move a muscle, Sis, we'll be right there.
Come on. Get going. Be careful.
Here we go.
LARRY: Whoa! Whoa!
(MARY-MENGELE GROANS)
CURLY: Hey, Moe. Hey, Larry. Fellas, do something!
Moe. Moe!
What's a matter with... (GASPS)
Call 411! (WAILING)
Quick! Help me move Sister M and M before chowder-head crushes her.
Come on.
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
(MARY-MENGELE GROANS)
Come on, you!
You, help out. You, grab that bucket, splash some water on her.
Oh!
See, I told you there's too much iron in the water.
Speak to me, Sis. Say a few parables.
I save 15 % on my car insurance.
She seems fine to me.
Come on, let's go see what Mother Superior wants.
(CURLY WHOOPING)
(HONKING)
(SCREAMING)
Hey, look! Some wise guy is roughing up the sisters.
Why you!
Come on.
Picking on girls, eh?
How do you like that, pretty boy?
You think you're pretty smooth, huh?
Squish! Squish! Squish!
Get off of him!
Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry! Oopsie-daisy!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
What are you doing?
We caught this lounge lizard getting all handsy with the nuns.
This is no lounge lizard!
He's here on official business.
Official business? Why didn't you say so?
Pick me, I'll clip your hedges.
I'll hedge your clippers. I'll fetch your slippers.
I'll scrub the stench right off them dentures.
You idiots!
(ALL GROAN)
I'm not here to adopt!
This is Monsignor Ratliffe from the diocese.
Oh, sorry about that, Señor Ratlips.
Children, Sisters, everyone, please gather round.
I have an announcement to make.
Oh! Are we getting pizza?
MOTHER SUPERIOR: Come, come.
Pull it in.
I'm sorry to have to tell you all this,
but due to the recent economic downturn and some unforeseen expenses
the orphanage will be forced to close down at the end of the month.
(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)
But what's going to happen to the children? And us.
Well, you sisters will be spread around the diocese
and the children will be sent to foster homes.
Oh, boy, Foster's. That's Australian for beer.
Would you like that in a bottle or a mug?
I'll take it in a mug. You got it.
MURPH: Foster home?
Forget it! I'm not going to end up like Peezer's brother, Weezer.
If someone wants to adopt me, I'll listen.
But I'm not going anywhere where they're getting paid to love me.
Cheer up, Murph. There's talk of pizza.
Wait a minute, Monsignor. There's got to be something we can do.
Yeah, what's it going to take to save this place?
A lot of this. LARRY: Oh!
Well, that's doable. How many boogers are we talking about?
Not boogers, dollars, you moron.
Eight hundred and thirty thousand of them, to be exact.
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
You can't let them close us down, Mother. You can't!
This is our home.
Hold on there, skin-tags. When do you need that money by?
Thirty days.
Well, consider it done. CURLY: That's right.
Thirty days from now we'll have enough cash to rent ten of these kid factories.
Oh, yeah, how?
Why, by doing whatever it takes.
We'll climb mountains.
We'll forge rivers.
We'll forge checks.
(LARRY LAUGHING) MOE: Come on, let's get packing.
Attention!
About face.
Company, march! March! March, march, march!
(CHILDREN WHOOPING)
LARRY: Goodbye, everybody.
Bye, guys. Bye, you take care.
No cheating in cards. I'll say hi to Santa. Yeah, I will.
I'm concerned.
Those three boys are going to be eaten alive out there.
We're going to try sushi.
BERNICE: They don't even know anyone their own age.
All they know is nuns and kids.
She's right, Mother Superior. You know how long I've waited for this day.
But now that it's here, I don't know.
Well, what choice do we have? They either leave today or next month.
Like Moses in the desert, I believe the Lord will guide them
because they're pure of heart.
And dim of wit.
MOTHER SUPERIOR: Boys.
Good luck to you.
Here's a little money to get you through your first few days.
Good luck, guys.
Don't worry, Peez, you can tell Murph
we're going to be back in a flash with the cash.
Yeah!
(CHEERING)
All right, children, let's say goodbye.
ALL: (HARMONIZING) Goodbye
Goodbye.
(SINGING) This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine
Oh, this little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine Let it shine
(MIMICKING BASS)
This little light of mine
Oh, Lord
I'm gonna let it shine
ROSEMARY: I'm gonna let it
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine, yeah
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let...
Shut up!
This ain't a revival, it's an orphanage.
She's right. Time's a-wasting. Let's saddle up, boys.
Come on, get busy.
Seatbelt, check. Check.
CURLY: Check.
Bell tone.
(RINGING)
Check.
Tow rope.
Check.
Hey, bunion-head, you forgot to tie us off to the handlebars.
I couldn't reach it so I tied us to the back tire.
Oh, good.
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
(GROANING)
MOE: You feather-brained... I'm warning you!
LARRY: I think we got a flat tire.
LARRY: Maybe we should let go.
MAC: Do we really have to knock him off?
LYDIA: What?
Why can't you just divorce him?
You know why. His father made me sign a prenup.
So what? We have each other. We don't need your husband's money.
Maybe we don't need it. But I want it.
Look, if you're too much of a wuss, just tell me...
Oh, no, no, no, I told you.
I'm all in.
I want your hubby gone just as badly as you do.
I'm just new at this, that's all.
(DRUMMING AND TOOTING)
Okay. So how are we going to do it?
What is that racket?
LARRY: $830,000. First taker gets a three-man working machine.
It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks.
That's right, no job is too small,
we'll press your pants, we'll shine your shoes.
We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze.
What's a matter with you? Quit giving away the fine print.
Hey, what's the idea?
Shut up.
Now smarten up, you two, or have you forgotten
there's a bunch of little kids counting on us?
And we've only got 27 days left to raise that dough.
Hey, bub, your trousers are falling down, let me help you.
Hey, man, you trying to get yourself capped?
Oh, no thanks, I don't wear hats.
Why would I with a head of hair like this?
You believe this guy?
Crazy, man.
See you later, fellas.
I think we just found the answer to our prayers.
Boys, we're getting nowhere fast.
Now spread out and go drum up some business.
All right. (NIPPY SQUEAKING)
Go on.
I'll go when I'm ready.
Are you ready?
Sure, I'm ready.
Go on.
LARRY: Eight hundred and thirty thousand bucks.
We prefer it in hundreds, folks.
Wow, in the wrong hands, this thing could be dangerous.
Guys, we've been at this for days now
and all I got is a hole in my shoe.
The kid's right.
There must be a better way to make a living. Come on, think.
(JEOPARDY! THEME PLAYING)
(GASPS)
No. No.
(WHOOPING)
Look, he's on to something.
Spit it out, tiger.
I can't! It's stuck. Jar it loose, Moe.
What about a job where you could sleep all day,
meet beautiful babes at night
and make millions for doing absolutely nothing.
Oh, boy! That's genius. So what's the job?
That is the job. Oh, that is...
And who's going to pay you?
The boss.
You know, it's just crazy enough to work.
Why, you... And you!
(GROANING)
Come on in here.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, look, Moe, I think we got a customer.
Whoa! Would you look at those getaway sticks.
(BARKING)
Spread out.
I'm the foreman here. What can we do for you?
I'll pay you $830,000 for a job that won't take you more than 10 minutes.
We'll take it, who do we have to murder?
(LAUGHING)
My husband.
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
Sorry, lady, you came to the wrong place.
We're working stiffs, not common crooks.
But you don't understand. You will be doing him a great service.
Says who?
Says me.
Who are you? I'm her husband.
Wait a minute, you mean to tell me,
she's planning your funeral and you're okay with it?
Well, I know it sounds a bit peculiar.
No, no, no, that doesn't sound peculiar. This sounds peculiar.
(CHANGE CLINKING)
(CHUCKLING) (GROANING)
Phew. Okay.
My husband is suffering from
an incurable disease that eventually will kill him.
Unfortunately, it could take a year, possibly more.
Pain increasing daily before I lapse into an irreversible coma.
I had that. Only it was just in my feet. Yeah.
It's called coma-toes.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)
Oh, coma-toes, huh? Yeah.
(SCREAMS)
Are they awake now?
(CURLY GROWLS) Gentlemen.
I'm sure you can understand why I prefer to leave this world on my own terms
rather than spend the rest of my life a vegetable.
I don't know. It sounds illegal.
Wait a minute, legs, did you say 830,000 bucks?
I did.
(WHISTLES)
That's a good day's pay.
Hey, wait a minute, fellas.
That's exactly the amount of money we're looking for.
You're right. This must be fate, time bomb. You can count us in.
That's swell.
(GROANING)
Thank you.
Now here's what we were thinking. ALL: Yes?
I'd like you to sneak into our bedroom in the middle of the night
and smother me while I'm sleeping.
ALL: Yes, yes.
But do not turn on the lights.
ALL: No. No. No.
Wait a minute. Why don't you want the lights on?
Well, I want it to be a surprise.
Oh, I get it, you don't want to see it coming, eh?
Bingo.
Hey, look, it's the guy from that thing all the kids are talking about.
(GASPS)
(TIRES SCREECH)
(YELPING)
(GASPS)
Help, help, help!
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
(MOANS SOFTLY)
That settles that.
Success. Success.
Thank you. Thank you.
What did you do? That was not the plan!
What're you yacking about?
He just said he didn't want to see it coming.
Hey, hey.
You look like you could use a grief massage.
Let it go. Let it go. Try to live in the now.
Get off me!
Too soon?
(SIREN WAILING)
(SNIFFING)
Hey, you smell garbage burning?
Ah! Ah! Ah!
(GASPS)
What are you doing here?
We want the do-re-mi you owe us, lady.
Yeah, 830,000 bucks.
Plus meals.
May I have a moment, ma'am?
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Mind your P's and Q's.
Don't forget to dot the I's. Certainly.
(LAUGHS)
(WHIMPERS)
I'm afraid I have unfortunate news.
I've just received word that Mr. Miosky was struck by a bus.
Oh, no! So Mac is dead?
No.
No? Are you sure?
Oh, yes. He's still alive, but he's in bad shape.
Your husband is in contact with the hospital.
He said he'd call with any news.
Thank you, Carbunkle.
(MOUTHING) Oh, my God.
Come on, blondie, pay up. A deal's a deal.
(ALL GROAN)
Our deal was that you would get paid when my husband died.
And on that count you have failed miserably.
You mean he's still kicking?
That's right, you idiots!
You have ruined my life, now get out of here.
(SLAPPING)
(SCREAMING)
(BONES CRACKING)
(CURLY PANTING)
Boy, what a hothead.
Women!
Wait a second,
with her hubby laid out in the hospital nursing them tire tracks,
it'll be easy pickings to slide a pillow over the poor schlump's face
and give him the surprise send-off he wanted.
Good thinking! We'll be doing the guy a favor
and making enough money to save the orphanage.
It's like killing two birds with one pillow.
It's colossal. It's stupendous.
It's even mediocre.
(HONKS) Ow!
Say, "Ah." Ah...
Come on!
(SIGHS)
Okay, you lumps. Just keep your lips zippered.
I'll sweet-talk our way in. (CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, bulldog, how's about being a sport... (GROWLING)
...and letting us visit an old pal? What do you say?
Can't you read? Visiting hours are over.
Even for family? Are you family?
Certainly. Oh, yeah? What's your relation?
His mother and my mother were both mothers.
You heard me, no more visitors.
Come on.
Follow me. I got an idea.
(SLAPPING AND PUNCHING)
(WOMEN SHRIEKING)
(CURLY BARKING)
(SCREAMING)
That the best you can do? You're scaring the customers.
I'm sorry, I didn't bring my false eyelashes.
Hey! What's the big idea?
Mind your business. Ah!
No, Moe, what are you... Ooh! Ooh!
Hold still. There you go. There.
Oh! (GIGGLES)
Now go on over to that information desk and find out where the hubby's room is.
Hurry.
(VOCALIZING SOFTLY)
Let me see that.
(LOUD EXPLOSION) Ow!
Excuse me, dreamsicle, that patient who got hit with a bus,
what room is he in?
That would be 386.
Okay, thank you.
Say! I haven't noticed you around here before.
I like curvy woman.
Oh! (GIGGLING)
I bet you say that to all the gals.
What do you say, me and you go out Saturday night,
grab some falafel and couple of pops? Huh?
Why wait, when you can have a pop right now?
How'd you make out? Mmm...
I don't know, I guess we'll find out Saturday night.
No, I mean with the... Look!
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
Hey! Stop them!
In here.
Doctor?
Excuse me, may I have a word with these ladies?
Doctor?
Oh!
(IN DEEP VOICE) Yes, proceed.
Thank you.
Come on, girls, let's get these diapers changed A-S-A-P.
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
(BABIES COOING)
The bulldog's still out there.
Well, come on. Let's blend in till the smoke clears.
But we don't know anything about babies.
What's there to know?
You check under the hood and if there's a leak,
you change the filter. Come on, get busy.
CURLY: Ah! Triplicates!
Coochie coochie coo! Coochie coochie coo!
(CHOMPS) (GROANING IN PAIN)
(BARKS)
Ugh!
You must be French, that's a lot of wee-wee.
All right, raise your hand, who wants to go first?
(CURLY SPUTTERING)
Fine. You bat lead-off.
Here you go. You like that? We'll fix you up.
(SCREAMING)
Double-crossers, eh?
Oh!
(CLATTERING)
Hiya, boys. Yeah. Now who do we got?
(LAUGHING)
(EXCLAIMS FEARFULLY)
No, Moe! Take it easy! Let's talk this out. Come on!
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, a pea-shooter, eh?
Yeah, I'll fix you. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hey! Where's your hypocritical oath?
MOE: Here it is.
(SPUTTERING)
That's it. It's on!
Freeze.
Put him down now. Real slow.
Don't do anything stupid. This one's got a hair-trigger.
Now slide him over.
(BABIES LAUGHING)
Any last words?
(MUTTERING)
What is going on...
(BOYS EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE)
(CURLY WHOOPING)
"386." Come on, this is it.
There he is.
Mongoose, turn on the tube so nobody hears us.
Chowder-head, start smothering him while I wedge that door shut.
(MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)
All right, bed-sores, nap's over. Time to get you some exercise.
Here we go. There we are. All right. There we go. Yeah.
(MAN GROANING SOFTLY)
Okay.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
There. Don't go nowhere.
(CURLY HUMMING)
I thought I told you to smother him.
I am, I'm smothering him in onions. (LAUGHING)
Good thinking, Emeril. Yeah, let me see that.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Look a kitty cat.
(LION GROWLS)
(MAN CONTINUES TALKING ON TV)
Well, it's been a bad week for Lenny the Lion.
His nasty disposition has prompted local zoo officials
to put the proud cat on a short leash inside his pen.
Zoo employees were refusing to clean the ornery beast's cage
after several recent close calls.
(GRUNTING)
(CROWD CHANTING ON TV)
Uh-oh! He's gone!
No, he ain't. He's turtling.
We're going to need to blast. Mutton-head, you got any dynamite?
There we go.
(LAUGHING)
Fire in the neck hole. Take cover.
(SNIFFING)
(GASPING)
(ALL SHUDDERING FEARFULLY)
(EXPLODES)
(SHOUTING) Nurse! Nurse!
Nurse, help!
Hey, hey, just relax, pal, we'll have a toe tag on you in no time.
(MUFFLED) No, no, no! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Now what?
You don't need to kill me anymore. I'm cured.
Cured? What are you babbling about, plaster-boy?
The bus. They say it knocked the disease right out of me.
The doctors couldn't believe it. They say it's a miracle.
A miracle! Just our luck.
(DOOR RATTLING)
Quick, hide.
(MAN GROANS)
I'm telling you those bums are in here.
This is the room they were looking for.
MAC: Psst!
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
NURSE: Get them!
(CURLY WHOOPING)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Break time, ladies.
Couldn't have come fast enough.
Huddle. Boxcar 45 on three.
Break. One, two, three.
LARRY: He don't look so good.
Check his pulse.
Nothing.
You mean, he's...
Not on my watch. Quick, get me the paddles.
Clear!
(SIZZLING)
(SCREAMING)
It's a zombie! Run for your life!
NURSE: There they are!
(CURLY WHOOPING)
Uh...
Fellas, it's too high...
(SCREAMING)
Why, you lame brains!
Hey, look! A fire hose.
We can lower ourselves down to the ground.
The kid's right. It's foolproof. Come on.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALL GROANING)
Why don't you watch where you're going, bud?
I'm sorry. 100 % my fault.
Sometimes I just get lost in my own head and...
Moe? Larry! Curly!
Is that you? Depends who's asking.
It's me, Teddo J. Harter.
Who? Teddy, from the orphanage, Teddy.
You remember, Moe, I went home with your parents.
What're you trying to pull? The Teddy we knew was this tall
and only had one shoe.
Yeah, and he didn't sound like you.
Here, look. I've got a snapshot of me and the 'rents
leaving the orphanage.
LARRY: Hey, it is you!
I was wondering, how are Moe's folks doing?
They seemed like good eggs.
Dad's doing great. I work with him at the law firm downtown.
But Mother, she passed on several years ago.
Hunting accident.
Oh, sure. Oh, yeah.
So, you boys on Facebook? I'll poke you.
Better yet, I'll tweet you. Ah!
Tweet us to dinner? Certainly.
Hey, wait a minute, where are you guys living?
You know the Ritz-Carlton on Oak Street? Oh, sure.
Yeah, we're camped out in the dumpster out back.
But not the dirty, beat-up green one,
it's the shiny blue one right next to it.
Oh!
You know, I've got an idea.
Why don't you guys come crash at my place?
Just until you get your feet back on the ground.
Oh, boy! That sounds terrific.
We're not going anywhere.
What are you talking about, Moe?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Thanks, Teddy bear, but we're going to stay put.
We got too many irons in the fire right now.
Of course you do.
Hey, look, I got to get going, I'm supposed to be visiting a friend.
Wait. Let's get a quick pic first.
What is that gadget? This is an iPhone.
Eye-phone?
Hello? Hello? There's nobody there.
It works better on your ear. Here, come on everybody.
Where do you think you're going?
Here, let me get...
Smile.
(LAUGHS)
That's great. It's so good to see you guys, really.
You haven't changed a bit.
You got rocks in your head? Teddy was trying to help us out
and you blew him off. What gives?
We'll help ourselves out.
Well, what about the orphanage? Teddy's dad has dough.
Maybe he would've given us the 800,000 bucks.
We don't need handouts from that chump.
We told those kids we'd come up with the cash
and that's just what we're going to do.
Yeah, how?
Well, we still got that seed money, don't we?
Seed money?
The cash Mother Superior gave us.
This 72 bucks is our ticket to riches.
Riches! (WHOOPING) How do you figure?
Well, it's seed money, right? What do you do with seeds?
Spit them out.
You plant them. We'll become farmers.
Farmers? I always wanted to be a farmer.
To the farm. To the farm.
(TOOTING)
ALL: (SINGING) A farming we will go
A farming we will go
Lydia, you won't believe who I saw today.
LYDIA: Huh? (WATER RUNNING)
I said, you won't believe who I ran into today.
I can't hear you, honey, what are you saying?
When I visited Mac at the hospital today,
I wasn't paying attention and I literally
ran into these three guys I haven't seen since I was a kid.
Yeah, that's nice.
(SPITS)
Are you okay, pudding?
I'm fine.
Anyway, I'm thinking of inviting them to our anniversary party.
(NERVOUSLY) Yeah, they look like they're a lot of fun.
LARRY: Here's a little drink for you, Elsie.
Jonesie, you have to hold still in order to get a drink.
Hello, Maritza, you're getting your color back.
Ralphie don't look so good.
Poor guy's drying out.
Oh! Good for you, Ralphie, realizing there's a problem is half the battle.
MOE: Hey, look, our first customer.
(CURLY WHOOPING)
What are you doing?
Only selling the finest farm-raised salmon in the county, that's all.
Yeah, they're all free-range. No nets, no cages.
They can go wherever they want.
Plus we have smoked salmon.
But this is a golf course.
LARRY: So what? We let them play through.
What's your beef?
Yeah, we're trying to save an orphanage.
Look, are you here to buy fish or are you just kicking the tires?
(SIREN WAILS)
Hey! Do your job. Cart path only.
I'll cart path you, you little...
(BOYS EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
It's the 5-0! Scram!
You again!
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
LARRY: Oh, my back!
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
Stop right there.
(CURLY WHOOPING)
Got you!
(SCREAMING)
LARRY: Hold still.
(CAR HONKING) (TIRES SCREECHING)
What's a matter with you? Come on, you.
(TEETH SNAPPING)
Yah! Yah, mule! Yah!
Whoa! Easy, Seabiscuit, easy.
We're trapped like rats.
Speak for yourself, rodent.
We're going to need a battering ram.
You go that way. I'll go this way. Okay.
(WHEEZING)
MOE AND LARRY: Heave-Ho!
Heave-ho!
Oh! Fellas, ease up, you're squeezing my ankles too tight.
MOE: Quit your whining.
MOE AND LARRY: Ho!
(ALL GROAN)
That was a close one.
What is that? What's with the light?
I got a better question,
why didn't we go live with Teddy when we had the chance?
Now we got no Teddy, no seed money, no nothing.
Yeah, shame on you, Moe. You put your pride ahead of them kids.
How dare you accuse me of having pride!
(GRUNTING ANGRILY)
Back off.
I won't.
Okay, kid, you got me.
You know, I'm proud of you for finally standing up for yourself.
Let's shake on it. There you go.
Get out of here.
This is all your fault. Me?
(ALL GROAN)
Sneaking up on me, eh? And you.
Get over here.
What's a matter with you? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Why you...
Moe, not that! Anything but that!
Why you! There you go!
There you go.
Get up there!
(ALL GROANING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(HEADS KNOCK)
All right.
(HEADS KNOCK)
Why you!
Stop it! Stop it, Moe! I've had it with you.
You are the cause of all of our problems since day one.
How do you figure?
You should have gone and lived with Teddy's folks
back when they wanted to adopt you.
That way you could have come back and helped us all out.
But no! The great and powerful Moe is too lazy to squeegee the pool.
You don't know what you're talking about.
LARRY: Oh, no?
Why do you think we never got another shot
at getting adopted again?
It's because when you messed it up that day,
you messed it up for all of us.
If you two got ants in your pants, then why don't you just leave?
I'm getting sick and tired of looking at your monkey-faces anyhow.
Being with you two is like dragging around a couple of boat anchors.
Well, fine.
Then...
Goodbye, Moe.
LARRY: Yeah. Goodbye.
Well, what are you waiting for? Go on, scram!
I bet you two earthworms won't last a day without me.
Hmph!
(DOOR SHUTS)
(APPLAUSE)
(WHOOPING)
Bravo. Brilliant. Just brilliant.
What an original way to showcase your personality. By putting on a skit.
Very smart. Huh?
That is exactly what we're looking for.
Someone who's not afraid of confrontation.
Who's passionate about his opinions, right or wrong.
That's what America craves.
What are you flapping about?
Oh! He's beautiful.
Congratulations, sir,
you are the newest cast member
of the world's number-one-rated reality show.
CURLY: 90 % off all our treats, folks.
We got chocolate, vanilla, strawberry.
No reasonable offer will be refused.
It's remarkable, it's refreshing.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
It's repulsive.
What was that for?
I told you we'd need more ice.
Hey, look, a zoo. What do you say we go in and chisel a lunch?
All right. (PEOPLE CHANTING)
What are you waiting for? Just go in there and do it.
What are you crazy, el pollo loco, in the head?
I can't just walk in the main gates and shoot them.
There's people in there. There's protesters. There's cameras everywhere.
Okay, just give me the gun and I'll do it myself.
Why do you gotta do that, huh?
Why do you gotta turn everything into me being a weakling?
I'm not being weak.
I'm being smart.
Oh, yeah.
The polar bear is found mainly in the Arctic Circle
and the adjacent land masses
as far south as Newfoundland island.
The male bear you're looking at weighs over 1,000 pounds
and can become quite aggressive.
When hungry, these bears devour large amounts of food rapidly.
Despite its fluffy fur and teddy-bear look
the polar bear is actually
one of the most ruthless, predatory carnivores on the planet.
I'm worried about Moe.
You and me, we're survivors,
but Moe, I ain't sure he's got the right social skills.
Yeah, I'm worried, too.
I don't know how he's going to fit in out there.
Just look at his haircut. People must think he's insane.
Yeah.
Wait, wait.
Give me a boost.
(GRUNTING)
(HONKING)
No! (BONES CRACKING)
Hold on, don't push! (SCREAMING)
And hurry up!
(WHEEZING)
(DEEP GROWLING)
Penguins?
No?
(ROARING)
(WHIMPERS)
Good kitty.
I have a gun.
Don't make me use it.
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, little fella, you want a peanut?
(CLICKING)
Dolphins love peanuts, you know.
Here you go. Catch.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(GASPING)
Oh, my God! I think he's snufficating.
Don't worry, pal, I know the Heineken maneuver.
Yeah.
It ain't working.
I'm coming.
You're doing it wrong. Get out of the way.
(ROARS)
(MOCKINGLY) I thought I saw a pussy cat.
I did. I did.
Come on. Come on. Come on, boy.
Who's king of the forest now?
(GASPING)
(ROARING FIERCELY)
(MAC SCREAMS)
MAN 1 ON TV: The five times...
MAN 2 ON TV: You paid...
Get crazy, get wild Let's party, get loud
If you wanna have fun...
Have you ever seen this show?
Hmm?
No.
TEDDY: It's a hoot.
Let's party get loud
If you wanna have fun and do something
Get crazy get wild
What the...
That's him.
That's who, dear?
That's Moe! He's on TV!
(GASPS)
How's that Whynatte?
That is my fourth or fifth.
What kind of flavor?
I like coffee, too.
Hey, I'm heading out to 7-Eleven,
anyone up for some gummy worms?
Yeah, maybe if they were soaked in vodka.
By the way, why are you even on our show?
You look like a stretched-out meatball.
(LAUGHS) Did not Moe tell you that he's using our little program
as a launching pad to make a lot of paper
to save homeless orphan babies?
Good luck. This guy can't even buy the right kind of grated cheese.
I asked for Romano, not Parmesan, you mook.
Oh! You don't like that cheese. No.
MOE: Let's see what we can do about that.
Oh, boy. Here we go.
MOE: How about some aged cheddar, tough guy. Come on.
What are you, crazy? That's assault.
Here's your pepper. Shut up.
My man! MOE: Who asked you, muscle-head?
Moe! You can't just go around hitting people!
No, well, can I do this? Ow!
MOE: Hmm... Rare bouquet.
Are you kidding me? Who does this?
LARRY: Need some help, folks, looking for our missing friend.
$3.50 reward. Dead or alive.
Here you are, pal, we're missing our pal.
Hey, get over there and staple up the rest of these flyers on the pronto.
(HUMMING)
(BLOWING)
Aah! Thanks a lot, buddy, now I got a hole in my head.
Quit screwing with the public.
(GROWLS) Cut it out! Who do you think you are, huh?
Oh, I see.
When Moe slugs you, it's okay,
but when Larry does it, it's not good enough.
No, no, no, Larry, it's good enough, it's just that...
You're not doing it right.
When Moe hits me, it's just better, you know?
You got rocks in your head. I'm hitting you just the same.
No, you're not. You do this.
(PUNCHING)
And Moe does this. (BOUNCING AND KNOCKING)
And Moe doesn't do this. (PUNCHES)
He does this. (HONKS)
You see?
Ah, you're right.
Come on, think.
Where would we go if we was Moe?
Home.
Yeah.
(WHISTLES)
Lord, I feel like going home
Where is everybody?
I've tried and I failed and I'm tired and weary
Hello?
Anybody home?
ON TV: Hi, I'm Al Cerrone, four-wheel drive SUVs just like this,
with a gas-saving, six-cylinder engine,
only $19,995.
And pick-ups, automatic and air, only $16,000.
Sister Ricarda.
Boys, what are you doing here?
We've been looking everywhere for Moe. Have you seen him?
Yeah. I see him almost every night on TV.
He's on that Jersey beach-people show.
You didn't know?
Moe's a big celebrity now.
Oh!
Good for him.
Yeah.
Looks like he didn't need us after all.
So what happened here? Where are all the kids?
They're closing us down on Monday,
so we had to start moving everyone out.
But we told you to wait. We were going to get the money.
You got the money?
We got the money?
Well, no,
but we're working on it.
Oh! Oh!
At least you tried.
Peez! Peez!
Thank God you're still here.
They tried to shoo me out,
but I told them I wasn't leaving without her.
Without who?
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Murph?
I'm sorry, boys, Murph is very ill.
Why isn't she in a hospital?
Well...
MARY-MENGELE: I'll tell you why.
Because we don't have any medical insurance.
You should get some. Just call that little green alligator guy.
Okay, that's it. I've had it with you.
Do you want to know why we have no medical insurance?
It's because you wombats have caused so many accidents over the years,
there's not a company on this earth that will cover us
until we pay the $830,000 we owe for previous claims.
And that's why we're being closed down.
That's enough, Sister.
Wait. You mean the orphanage is closing
because of us?
Check it out, Larry, Curly,
you're responsible for that.
You are and that other moron.
(MURPH MOANS SOFTLY)
(MONITOR FLATLINING) (GASPING)
Oh!
Sorry, excuse me. (TONE STOPS)
Yes?
No, no, I want it with custard not whipped cream.
I ordered an éclair not a Twinkie.
You know it's funny how freedom can make us feel contained
Is that what you think? Shut up.
Hey, Moe! You, too. Here's another one.
(CHUCKLING)
Hiya, Snook, I got you a present.
Really? For me?
Yeah, go on, open it. Okay.
Ow!
I'll just wait here and listen to you when you speak
Or scream
And every day that you want to waste
That you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up...
Why you...
Now, there you go.
And every day that you want to waste...
Why you...
You see that?
Business!
(CRYING OUT IN PAIN)
Why you...
(BEEPING) (SIZZLING)
(LARRY AND CURLY LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
And every day that you want to waste...
Kickham, Harter and Indagroyne, may I help you?
Yes, I'll connect you now.
Oh! I'm sorry, sir,
but the clown college is on the ninth floor.
Oh, no, I'm here to see Teddy Harter.
Tell him it's his old pal, Larry, from the orphanage.
Oh, Teddo's not here.
He's out making arrangements for his anniversary party.
All right, then can I speak to his old man?
Mr. Harter is at lunch, but he should be back soon.
Nice glasses.
Thank you.
You got a little spot there. Let me help you out.
(SPITS)
Here you are. Good as new.
By the way, do not lick those. I am just getting over pink eye.
Mr. Harter.
Just the guy I wanted to see.
I'll take the case. Please tell me it was Supercuts who did this to you.
No, it's me, Larry.
Moe, Larry, Curly, remember?
From the orphanage.
(YAPS)
Oh, my goodness.
Congratulations, you're still in remission.
So, what brings you here?
Look, I'll cut to the chase, moneybags. We're in a jam.
The orphanage needs $830,000, or it's going belly up.
Plus, we got a sick kid getting fitted for angel wings.
Terrific, so who do we sue?
Oh, no, there's no one to sue.
We need you to give us the money.
Yeah.
LARRY: But we're not looking for a handout, mind you.
We'll work off every last penny right here in these halls.
Yeah. Look, I'm sorry, but I'm committed to several other charities,
and besides, I don't have that kind of money just laying around,
but if you decide to sue the orphanage, I'm in.
Mr. H, please...
I know what you're thinking, that we're both lazy bums like Moe,
but we're not.
Some of us aren't afraid to get our hands dirty.
What? No. I never thought of Moe as lazy.
LARRY: It's all right.
That slug told us the whole story about why you dropped him back off.
Well, I can assure you it had nothing to do with his work ethic.
He was 10.
No, what happened was, he wanted us to go back for you two,
and frankly it was just too much for us.
Wait. You mean
he wouldn't go without us?
No, he wouldn't.
He was very adamant about wanting us to adopt all three of you
and it was just out of the question, you understand.
Anywho, gotta skedaddle. Late for a meeting.
But if you ever do want to sue anyone for anything,
a slip in the tub, a bone in the fish,
I'm your guy.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
Who's this lady?
That's Teddo's wife, Lydia.
Teddy's wife?
Yup.
(SIGHS) She's one lucky girl.
Then who's the guy on the end?
Oh! That's Teddo's best friend, Mac.
Then who's Mister Fancy Pants in the top hat and scarf?
That's a snowman.
Yeah, but what's his name?
Yeah.
Now look, either you kick Moe off the show
or we're suing him!
Like, with a lawyer.
Court sounds okay to me.
You know, we could probably do a cross-promotion with Lockup.
SNOOKI: Great, just great.
So basically what you're saying is this whole show is all about the ratings?
Uh... Yeah.
(ALL GROAN)
Unbelievable.
Just because she's wearing a genius hat doesn't mean she is one.
SECURITY: Hey!
(CURLY WHOOPING)
Onion-head. Porcupine!
Oh, fellas. BOTH: Moe!
Sorry, boss, I couldn't stop them.
It's all right, Johnnie, you're good, you're good.
Look, Moe, we owe you an apology.
No, fellas, I'm the one who owes you the apology.
I know sometimes I tend to fly off the handle.
No, you don't. Yes, I do.
No, it's just that you get a little upset and you...
Shut up when I'm apologizing.
We don't have time for that. Teddy's in a jam.
You know that woman who wanted us to take out her husband?
She's married to Teddy.
No wonder she wanted us to smother him in his sleep.
I knew I smelled a...
A rat! (WOMEN SHRIEKING)
That's no rat. It's Nippy.
How you doing, buddy? I missed you, too, Nipps.
LARRY: Come on, we got work to do.
We got to get to Teddy before his wife does.
Come on.
Come on, Romeo.
Are you kidding me?
There's three of them?
I don't get you, Lydia.
Why would you throw a big anniversary party for Teddo?
I thought we were trying to kill the guy. We are.
I just want lots of witnesses
for when that dope accidently falls head first from the balcony.
Oh!
Well,
you two are certainly looking rather cozy.
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
Good Lord, Mac, what happened to your face?
New kitty.
I'm going to go and freshen up my drink.
Okay.
Mrs. Harter, may we please go upstairs and play in Teddo's game room?
No. You can't go upstairs.
Teddo is busy entertaining some of my bridge club friends.
Go! Play with the balloons.
But my stupid brother popped all the balloons. This is the last one.
We can get more balloons.
Carol, go get more balloons.
Yes, ma'am.
Madam. Madam.
Sir, madam.
(DOGS BARKING)
No! No!
(ALL GROAN)
Now, we got to... Whoa! Whoa!
What's a matter with you? You had the rudder.
Don't you know how to drive?
It just went out of control.
What kind of poodles are those anyway?
Standard.
There's your problem. I can't drive a standard.
You blithering idiots. What do you think you're doing?
Out of the way, 3PO, we gotta get Teddy.
ALL: Ow!
This is an invitation-only party.
Now, good day!
Great, now what are we going to do?
Pierre. Send those balloon men in as soon as they get here.
Will do.
That's our cue, boys. Come on.
MOE: Balloon men coming through.
Out of our way, these things are heavy.
There you go, crusher.
MOE: I don't see him anywhere.
CURLY: I smell lobster.
Okay you two, now spread out and look for Teddy.
And remember, a man's life is at stake here.
Ah! Here you are, short stack.
Thanks, mister.
Ah!
You're up, pal.
No thanks. My, that's an interesting
haircut.
Ah! Thanks, but it's not without some help.
I have a great deal of product in there.
Hey! Where are your manners?
Attaboy.
(GULPING)
Mmm.
(SLURPING)
Ah!
How's the dip?
Here try it for yourself.
Mmm.
Aspen is so yesterday.
This season we're thinking of going to Banff.
Hey, JumboTron, you seen Teddy anywhere?
No, I haven't. How rude.
MOE: Pardon me.
What are you grub worms doing?
Getting seconds on lobster.
Seconds? I thought lobster upset your stomach.
I dipped it in pesto-bismol.
Oh! You like dipping, eh? Come here.
(SNAPPING)
(SCREAMING)
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Look, it's Santy Claws. Claws!
What did I tell you about puns?
(YELPING) (CLAWS SNAPPING)
(SNAPS)
(SINGING IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
(SCREAMING)
(GASPS)
Ooh! Ah!
Excuse me, I go.
What are you, trying to get us thrown out of here? I'll fix you.
No, Moe, no, where is your dignity?
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
Hold still, mister, I'll get it.
One second.
Those three idiots are here.
The Kardashian girls? Where are they?
The three bums. They crashed the party.
Oh, God! We got to get them out of here before they ruin everything.
Madame!
May I present to you my masterpiece.
Oh, yes! (SCREAMING)
Somebody, help her! (PEOPLE GASPING)
Mommy!
MOE: Think of something, lame brains.
Hey, look. A balloon popper.
I'll get it.
What's the matter with you? That's a kid up there.
Where's your gun safety?
(GUNSHOT)
(PEOPLE SCREAM)
That was awesome!
(WAILING) No!
Mon gâteau!
Come on, fellas. Pardon me.
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
Hey, fellas, wait up!
Come on.
Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, what's the matter?
Come on, boy, speak to me.
Who are you?
It's us, it's Moe... Larry.
And Curly.
Guys? What are you doing here?
All right, buddy, we got you now.
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
Hey, Mac. Oh, honey,
thanks so much for inviting the boys behind my back.
That ain't the only thing she's doing behind your back.
Yeah, she wanted us to smother you in your sleep.
And now it looks like she slipped you some knock-out juice.
Lydia, what are they talking about?
Honey, I am as confused as you are.
All I know is that these men crashed our party,
and when we tried to remove them, they start acting crazy.
MOE: Teddy, you've known us since you were a baby.
Why, we were the ones who taught you how to play with matches.
We treated you like a little brother. Why would we lie to you now?
Wait, Lydia...
Why am I still in bed if the party's going on?
I'll tell you why. (COCKS GUN)
Oh, Mac...
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
Don't even think about it, Mac.
(SIGHING)
Real slow now, drop it to the floor.
Not a problem.
Good work, Dad.
I had a feeling something was going on. But you, Mac?
I mean, you were my best pal! Why would you do that?
It wasn't my idea. She was calling the shots. I swear.
No, Mac,
I was calling the shots.
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
I suggest we finish this discussion in a more secluded place
so as not to ruin the party.
Yes, after all it is my anniversary.
(CHUCKLES) Ouch.
I don't get it. Why did it have to come to this, Dad?
Well, son, I didn't get rich simply by lawyering.
I married into it.
Unfortunately, when your mom passed away,
she left everything to you.
So you were just using me to do your dirty work.
(MOCKINGLY) Oh, you cracked the code.
(LAUGHING)
What's so funny, Butterbean?
Nothing, Nippy's whiskers are tickling me.
Who's Nippy?
Him.
(SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Take it out!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Open the door!
Shoot the window out! (GUN CLICKING)
No! It's wet!
Why would you let the gun get wet?
AUTOMATED VOICE: When possible, make a legal U-turn.
(GASPING)
How long will the air last?
Maybe five minutes if we stay calm.
We gotta break a window.
It's impossible.
There's 1,000 pounds of water pressing against that glass.
Great, great! How could this possibly get any worse?
(BUBBLING)
(ALL GROAN IN DISGUST)
I'm sorry, I guess the pesto-bismol didn't help with the lobster.
Did you eat the shells again?
I don't know. It was on the plate and then it wasn't.
Wait a minute! Does anyone have a lighter?
No. (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
All I got are these stupid, easy-light, waterproof safety matches.
Why you... Give me that!
Everybody close your eyes!
Maybe that's not such a...
(EXPLOSION)
(GASPING)
(CHATTERING)
MAC: Come on, come on, what's it gonna take, huh?
Come on, what's it gonna take? Let's make a deal.
LYDIA: Shut up! You shut up.
I'll sing like a canary. You name them, I'll blame them.
I don't care.
It's ironic, isn't it?
Here I am, the so-called lucky one who got adopted
and yet I never could find the one thing that you three have always had.
You're happy with yourselves and with each other. That's a real blessing.
So what can I do to pay you guys back for saving my life?
Funny you should ask.
Can you give us 830,000 bucks to save the orphanage?
No.
That guy that adopted me?
He shipped me off to military school when I was seven.
And then he just tried to murder me and run off with my wife.
And you expect me to just give money
to the women who handed me over to that monster?
I'm sorry, guys, I would do anything for those kids and you guys,
but I can't do that.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, Mr. Harter, could you come over here and give us a statement?
Yeah.
Right this way.
(NIPPY SQUEAKING)
Donut remover!
(GROANS)
When you're lost in the rain in Juarez
And it's Easter time, too
And your gravity fails And negativity don't pull you through
Don't put on any airs...
(SIGHING)
MOE: We sure botched this one pretty good.
What else is new?
I wonder what happened to Murph and Peez and the rest of the gang.
(SOBBING)
I sure do miss those guys.
(CHILDREN PLAYING)
Why it's almost like I can still hear the sweet childhood sounds of laughter
and swimming and tennis.
I know what you mean.
Wait a minute, we didn't have swimming and tennis.
And we didn't have laughter.
Hey, fellas, look!
(GUNSHOT)
BOY: Yes!
When you got nine teammates, you gotta pass it. You gotta pass it.
Sister Bernice?
(EXCLAIMS FEARFULLY)
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
That's it! I told you one at a time on that board.
You all just lost your diving privileges for the rest of the day!
The party's over, you little water weasels!
What's going on here?
Oh, crud!
Come on.
Hiya, Sister.
Hello, morons.
Hey! Moe, Larry, Curly!
MOE: Hey, guys.
Hey, what's going on? How are you guys? Hey!
Oh, boy, did we miss you, guys!
Welcome home, guys.
You look great, Murph.
That's because she's not sick anymore.
It turns out I just had some form of metal poisoning.
Nobody listens to me.
I told you there's too much iron in the water.
Boys! Where have you been? We've been looking for you everywhere.
Well, I guess we just didn't have the nerve to come back and tell you
we failed.
You didn't fail! Look at our new home!
New home? Who paid for all this?
You did!
Huh?
The kid's right. The money's coming out of your pocket.
Sorry, slick, but we don't have that kind of dough.
Oh, you will.
See, the network has taken the liberty of paying off the orphanage's debts
and building the new complex. Think of it as an advance.
All's you gotta do is sign right here, boys.
And you three will be the stars of our next big reality show,
Nuns Versus Nitwits. What do you say?
Oh, gee!
I always wanted to be a nun.
Oh! And by the way, the Jersey Shore kids pitched in for the down payment.
Hey, everybody.
Oh! Hey, Teddy. Hi, Teddy.
Gather round, everyone. I have an announcement to make.
Teddy and his fiancée, Ling,
have just discovered that our Lord and Savior has left her barren.
So they have decided to adopt.
(GASPING)
Hoy! Hoy! Hoy! Hoy! Hoy!
Spread out!
Pick me. I promise I'll go this time without any fuss.
Oh! I'm sorry, boys, but they've already decided who they're adopting.
So, how about it, Murph? Will you be a part of our family?
Are you serious, dude? Me?
And you're not even getting paid?
Oh! Um...
Sorry, mister, your offer is very nice and all,
but I think you better pick someone else.
It's okay, Murph,
you should go.
This is your big break.
Not a chance, kid. Not without you.
TEDDY: Well, I guess we'll just have to take all three of you.
What three? I was just talking about me and Peez.
Well, yeah, of course,
but there's also the kid that we just sprang from the foster home across town.
Peezer.
Weezer!
(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)
(CHILDREN CHEERING)
MOTHER SUPERIOR: Pack your bags, you three. It's time to go home.
Three cheers for the boys.
Hip, hip, hooray! MARY-MENGELE: Oh, please!
Hip, hip, hooray! ALL: Hooray!
Hip, hip hooray! ALL: Hooray!
Gee, it sure feels good to not louse things up for once.
Oh, you said it.
(MARY-MENGELE YELPS)
Oh!
(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)
I'm gonna mash your heads like potatoes.
(CURLY WHOOPING)
LARRY: Hey, fellas, wait! Wait up!
Whoa! Whoa! How do you steer this thing? Oh, boy!
Hello, everyone, I'm Bob Farrelly.
And I'm Pete Farrelly.
And we're the guys that made the movie you just watched.
We want you to know that all the stunts that were performed in our film,
they were done by professionals. And all the tools,
are not real. They're rubber.
Watch this.
Now, let's watch that with sound effects.
(CLANGING) Pretty cool.
Remember that sledgehammer scene?
That, too, made out of rubber.
Fake, isn't that right, Bobby?
That's right, Pete. (CLANGING)
See. He didn't get hurt.
Remember the eye poke?
Now let's look at that again in slow motion.
Kids, do not poke anyone in the eye. It's very dangerous.
The point is, this movie is all about fun and games.
So please play safe at home.
Thank you.
I'll hold your hand when you are feeling mad at me
Yeah, when the monsters they won't go away
The windows are closed I'll pretend to see what you see
"How long?" I say, "How long will you relive the things that are gone?"
Oh, yeah, the devil's on your back
But I know you can shake him off
And every day that you want to waste
That you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up You want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change That you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through 'cause I just really want to be with you
And every day that you want to waste
That you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up You want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change That you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through 'cause I just really want to be with you
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, is everybody ready?
Three stooges Trying to make a dollar in America
Three stooges Trying to get a laugh before they bury 'em
Everybody's serious Everybody's angry
Everybody's furious grubbing for money
Everybody's mad Everybody's fussy
Everybody's screaming and pushing over nothing
Three stooges Trying to make a dollar in America
Three stooges Trying to get a laugh before they bury 'em
Everybody's violent Everybody's mean
Baby's in the bubble Oh, no, he's causing trouble
Ugly-hardy-har-har Hody-hody-ho
(MUTTERING GIBBERISH)
Now, don't you block, baby
Three stooges Trying to make a dollar in America
Three stooges
Trying to make them laugh before they bury 'em
Three stooges
(SINGING) It's a shame the way you mess around with your man
It's a shame the way you hurt me
It's a shame the way you mess around with your man
You're like a child at play
(BELL CHIMES)
On a sunny day
But you play with love and then you throw it away
Why do you use me? Try to confuse me
How can you stand to be so cruel?
Why don't you free me from this prison
Where I serve my time as your fool
Why do you use me Try to confuse me
How can you stand to be so cruel?
Why don't you free me from this prison
Where I serve my time as your fool
It's a shame Hey
Uh!
You know it's gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta be a shame
Why you...
MOE: Try to hurt me
(WHOOPS)
You know you got my heart in chains
And I gotta complain
Because I just won't be content unless I...
Why, I'm gonna gouge your eyes out, both of you bunion-heads!
ROSEMARY: Oh it's a shame how you hurt each other
MOE: (IN AUTO-TUNE) It's a shame the way you hurt me
It's a shame A shame
ROSEMARY: It's a shame how you hurt each other
You know it's gotta, gotta, gotta
ROSEMARY: It's a shame How you're in trouble
It's gotta be a shame
(VOCALIZING)
ROSEMARY: Oh ain't it a shame Yeah
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