1 00:00:02,879 --> 00:00:09,879 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:23,919 --> 00:00:30,679 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:34,279 --> 00:00:37,159 Hello and welcome to a sick episode of QI, 4 00:00:37,159 --> 00:00:39,559 where we'll be sneezing and sniffling, 5 00:00:39,559 --> 00:00:41,999 but always socially distancing, of course. 6 00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:44,839 I think our guest list this evening must be some sort of sick joke. 7 00:00:44,839 --> 00:00:47,279 They are - sick as a parrot, it's Jo Brand. 8 00:00:47,279 --> 00:00:49,839 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:49,839 --> 00:00:51,919 Sick as a dog, it's Maisie Adam. 10 00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:54,399 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:00:54,399 --> 00:00:56,559 Sick as a pig, it's Lee Mack. 12 00:00:56,559 --> 00:00:59,159 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello. 13 00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:02,039 And sick as a blue whale, it's Alan Davies. 14 00:01:02,039 --> 00:01:05,119 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 15 00:01:05,119 --> 00:01:07,959 And their buzzers don't sound quite themselves. 16 00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:09,479 Jo goes... 17 00:01:09,479 --> 00:01:12,439 MAN GROANS 18 00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:13,599 Maisie goes... 19 00:01:13,599 --> 00:01:17,559 MAN RETCHES, STOMACH GURGLES 20 00:01:17,559 --> 00:01:19,319 Lee goes... 21 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:24,719 MAN COUGHS AND VOMITS 22 00:01:24,719 --> 00:01:26,439 And Alan goes... 23 00:01:26,439 --> 00:01:28,639 Mate, that is well sick! 24 00:01:28,639 --> 00:01:31,559 LAUGHTER 25 00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:33,399 Right, on with the questions. 26 00:01:33,399 --> 00:01:39,839 Which weirdo genius left a plague zone to test his eyesight? 27 00:01:39,839 --> 00:01:41,879 MAN GROANS 28 00:01:41,879 --> 00:01:45,199 Mine sounds the most like sex, doesn't it? 29 00:01:45,199 --> 00:01:48,879 Well, my kind of... I was going to say, not to me, Jo. No. 30 00:01:48,879 --> 00:01:52,319 That's quite an insight, there. To me, sadly. 31 00:01:52,319 --> 00:01:56,119 I was going to say possibly some kind of wanker. 32 00:01:56,119 --> 00:01:58,639 LAUGHTER 33 00:01:58,639 --> 00:02:00,999 I mean, you can't... No, no, no, 34 00:02:00,999 --> 00:02:03,999 just because he's got failing eyesight 35 00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:06,919 and that's what they say, isn't it, if you... If you...? 36 00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:11,039 Oh, I see! It's a bold statement for the only person wearing glasses. 37 00:02:11,039 --> 00:02:15,079 LAUGHTER 38 00:02:15,079 --> 00:02:16,799 "Who said that?" 39 00:02:16,799 --> 00:02:19,119 LAUGHTER 40 00:02:19,119 --> 00:02:21,879 Did you want to say something? Dominic Cummings. Dominic Cummings! 41 00:02:21,879 --> 00:02:26,279 KLAXON 42 00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:29,639 He did what any good father would do! Yes. 43 00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:31,519 As the age-old saying goes, 44 00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:34,679 if your eyes are given your hassle, drive to Barnard Castle. 45 00:02:34,679 --> 00:02:37,359 LAUGHTER 46 00:02:37,359 --> 00:02:39,439 When was there a plague before? 47 00:02:39,439 --> 00:02:42,679 The bubonic plague? Yeah, the Great Plague. 48 00:02:42,679 --> 00:02:45,519 Round about 1380-something, wasn't it? 49 00:02:45,519 --> 00:02:49,199 Wasn't there one more recent than that? 17th century? 1665. 50 00:02:49,199 --> 00:02:51,239 Yes, yes! A point! 51 00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:56,599 1665. Yes, I know, right? APPLAUSE 52 00:02:56,599 --> 00:02:58,719 I retire. 53 00:02:58,719 --> 00:03:03,039 I knew what century the Great Plague was in. Come on! 54 00:03:03,039 --> 00:03:06,039 A plague swept the south-east of England and Sir Isaac Newton 55 00:03:06,039 --> 00:03:10,719 fled Cambridge and shut himself up at the family farm at Woolsthorpe. 56 00:03:10,719 --> 00:03:14,759 So what do we know about Newton? Theory of...? The apple on his head. 57 00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:17,999 It's gravity, isn't it? Except that didn't happen. It was a myth? What?! 58 00:03:17,999 --> 00:03:21,879 That apple thing's a myth?! Are you telling me the apple went up? 59 00:03:21,879 --> 00:03:24,959 He propagated it as a bit of a myth, the story about the apple, but it is 60 00:03:24,959 --> 00:03:27,759 from exactly the same time. So his theory of gravity is from then. 61 00:03:27,759 --> 00:03:29,639 But he also studied optics 62 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:31,959 and he wanted to work out how the eye worked. 63 00:03:31,959 --> 00:03:34,279 And this was a guy who was fully committed, OK? 64 00:03:34,279 --> 00:03:37,759 So in order to work it out, he took a bodkin, 65 00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,759 which is like a little hatpin, 66 00:03:39,759 --> 00:03:43,999 and put it between... No. ..his eyeball... No. 67 00:03:43,999 --> 00:03:48,279 ..and the socket to see what effect that would have on his vision. 68 00:03:48,279 --> 00:03:50,919 Why?! Anyway, he poked around and apparently it does 69 00:03:50,919 --> 00:03:53,159 affect your eyesight, affected what colours he saw, 70 00:03:53,159 --> 00:03:55,199 and he could see spots before his eyes and so on, 71 00:03:55,199 --> 00:03:58,039 and I think that's kind of a dedication to his work right there. 72 00:03:58,039 --> 00:04:00,079 Wow. And he is immediately following the plague, 73 00:04:00,079 --> 00:04:02,639 he studied the best way to cure the disease and he decided 74 00:04:02,639 --> 00:04:07,679 the best option - to make toad vomit lozenges. 75 00:04:07,679 --> 00:04:11,239 Anybody want the recipe? Yes, please. OK, so first of all, 76 00:04:11,239 --> 00:04:15,719 hang your toad upside down in the chimney for three days, OK? What? 77 00:04:15,719 --> 00:04:17,959 I hope that's not a euphemism. In the chimney? 78 00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:21,679 He was full of ideas. I know. With the fire going underneath it? 79 00:04:21,679 --> 00:04:24,559 It doesn't say, it doesn't say about the fire. Just says, 80 00:04:24,559 --> 00:04:28,919 "Collect vomit emitted before it dies on a dish of yellow wax. 81 00:04:28,919 --> 00:04:31,719 "Be sure to include the detritus from the bottom of your fireplace" - 82 00:04:31,719 --> 00:04:33,599 so bits of ash and so on - 83 00:04:33,599 --> 00:04:38,439 "and then grind the vomit with the frog remains and form lozenges." 84 00:04:38,439 --> 00:04:41,519 And then you place the lozenges around the affected body parts. 85 00:04:41,519 --> 00:04:44,559 And the idea is the tablets would draw the poison out of the body. 86 00:04:44,559 --> 00:04:47,999 So they're not lozenges to suck, then? No. How disappointing. 87 00:04:47,999 --> 00:04:50,999 Yes, I know. Right? Anyway, do you think it worked? 88 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,919 No. No, of course not. Yeah. Oh. 89 00:04:52,919 --> 00:04:56,319 It's a time when mysticism and alchemy were pretty much 90 00:04:56,319 --> 00:04:58,639 indistinguishable from chemistry and biology. 91 00:04:58,639 --> 00:05:02,479 So it was just his best guess. I have to say that the prescription 92 00:05:02,479 --> 00:05:04,879 was not worthless because it was sold. 93 00:05:04,879 --> 00:05:09,759 The handwritten recipe by Newton was sold at Bonhams in 2020 for £60,000. 94 00:05:09,759 --> 00:05:12,479 So... In 2020? Quite ironic, isn't it, really, 95 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:15,799 given what he was like with his eyes. 20/20. Yeah. 96 00:05:15,799 --> 00:05:19,159 LAUGHTER 97 00:05:19,159 --> 00:05:22,119 The similarities between the 2020 coronavirus epidemic 98 00:05:22,119 --> 00:05:24,959 and the Great Plague of 1665 are sort of startling. 99 00:05:24,959 --> 00:05:27,919 So King Charles II, he shut down the pubs, he shut down the universities, 100 00:05:27,919 --> 00:05:29,679 he banned most public gatherings. 101 00:05:29,679 --> 00:05:32,319 Every day, the death tolls were publicly posted. 102 00:05:32,319 --> 00:05:36,759 Mourning was limited. What about afternoon? Ha-ha-ha. Sorry. 103 00:05:36,759 --> 00:05:38,799 LAUGHTER 104 00:05:38,799 --> 00:05:41,679 And, actually, plague doctors sort of wore PPE, 105 00:05:41,679 --> 00:05:45,399 it's the rather famous mask... There it is, the beaked mask, 106 00:05:45,399 --> 00:05:48,239 and it probably worked. It's a bit like face masks today. 107 00:05:48,239 --> 00:05:52,039 I mean, incorrectly, they thought it was the sweet-smelling perfume 108 00:05:52,039 --> 00:05:55,039 that you placed in the beak that protected them from the bad smells. 109 00:05:55,039 --> 00:05:57,279 Oh, I thought that was a socially distancing thing. 110 00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:00,319 That's not foolish...surprisingly. That is exactly right. 111 00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:03,599 Well, then don't use it in the edit, I've got my brand to think of. 112 00:06:03,599 --> 00:06:06,599 LAUGHTER 113 00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:08,999 You've got a brand, darling? Of course. Paddy McGuinness 114 00:06:08,999 --> 00:06:11,959 can't do those Greggs adverts forever. 115 00:06:11,959 --> 00:06:14,399 LAUGHTER 116 00:06:14,399 --> 00:06:17,239 And they also wore thick gloves and they had long sleeves and stuff, 117 00:06:17,239 --> 00:06:20,159 basically preventing fleas from biting their skin. 118 00:06:20,159 --> 00:06:23,879 Now, who has shooting stars coming out of their bottom? 119 00:06:23,879 --> 00:06:26,519 Are you...? What? Oh, this is a question. I thought you had... 120 00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:28,159 It's a philosophical question. 121 00:06:28,159 --> 00:06:31,399 I thought you were being very middle class and you wanted to know who's farted. 122 00:06:31,399 --> 00:06:34,119 Yes, I say who's got shooting stars coming out of their bottom? 123 00:06:34,119 --> 00:06:36,279 What do you call it in your family, with the children? 124 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:38,119 Like, my family called it trumping. 125 00:06:38,119 --> 00:06:41,239 We say pumps. Pumps. I'm old school. I say fart. Yeah. 126 00:06:41,239 --> 00:06:44,919 But, you know, they like to say bottom burp. "Who's bottom burped?" 127 00:06:44,919 --> 00:06:46,919 I go, not me, I farted. 128 00:06:46,919 --> 00:06:49,079 LAUGHTER 129 00:06:49,079 --> 00:06:52,079 And we've got a dog now and you know how smelly their farts can be. 130 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,279 Yeah. And you can't call that a bottom burp, 131 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:56,959 it's too nice and delicate a word, isn't it, for what they do. 132 00:06:56,959 --> 00:07:00,199 We call it attempted murder. Yeah, it is, isn't it? 133 00:07:00,199 --> 00:07:02,679 Shooting stars out of the bottom? 134 00:07:02,679 --> 00:07:07,319 Well, I could imagine that I might have had a row with Vic Reeves 135 00:07:07,319 --> 00:07:10,239 when we were pissed and he might have shoved a DVD up 136 00:07:10,239 --> 00:07:12,999 and then had to pull it out again. I don't know. 137 00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,159 One of Jo's crazy nights out. 138 00:07:15,159 --> 00:07:17,279 LAUGHTER 139 00:07:17,279 --> 00:07:19,519 We're up in space. 140 00:07:19,519 --> 00:07:23,199 We're up in space. Shooting stars out the backside. 141 00:07:23,199 --> 00:07:26,999 Is it what methane does when it reacts with a vacuum? 142 00:07:26,999 --> 00:07:29,879 Wow. That's very scientific. What happened to that brand? 143 00:07:29,879 --> 00:07:31,399 Oh, God. I know. 144 00:07:31,399 --> 00:07:36,639 Eh, is it a fat bloke who's eaten too many silver star biscuits? 145 00:07:36,639 --> 00:07:38,319 LAUGHTER 146 00:07:38,319 --> 00:07:41,079 Much better, Lee. Use that one. 147 00:07:41,079 --> 00:07:44,279 So the International Space Station has had a lavatory upgrade. 148 00:07:44,279 --> 00:07:45,719 Here it is. look at that. 149 00:07:45,719 --> 00:07:48,119 It's called the Universal Waste Management System 150 00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:51,839 and it cost $23 million. 151 00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:56,039 That costs $23 million? For one? So, yeah, for one. Yeah. 152 00:07:56,039 --> 00:07:58,959 Everybody has to share, up on the International Space Station. 153 00:07:58,959 --> 00:08:01,599 Here is the thing. This particular toilet has the ability 154 00:08:01,599 --> 00:08:06,119 to sort faecal bits from the rest of the waste to allow the liquid 155 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:09,919 to be recycled... 23 million?! 156 00:08:09,919 --> 00:08:12,439 Wait... You can buy a sieve for 4.99. 157 00:08:12,439 --> 00:08:16,399 Well... What are they recycling it as? No, no, don't you dare. 158 00:08:16,399 --> 00:08:20,279 They're recycling the liquid as... Lucozade. 159 00:08:20,279 --> 00:08:24,199 Water. Drinking water. No, no. Drinking water. 160 00:08:24,199 --> 00:08:26,679 For them on the spaceship? Mm. Oh, come on. 161 00:08:26,679 --> 00:08:28,639 No, for the Royal Family! 162 00:08:28,639 --> 00:08:30,959 LAUGHTER 163 00:08:30,959 --> 00:08:33,399 That's unbelievable. It is unbelievable. 164 00:08:33,399 --> 00:08:36,239 But the good news is if you're a woman and you want to go into space, 165 00:08:36,239 --> 00:08:38,199 there is an improvement for women astronauts. 166 00:08:38,199 --> 00:08:40,599 There's now a funnel especially designed for women 167 00:08:40,599 --> 00:08:43,119 and they're a sort of - how can I put this? - there's, like, ridges 168 00:08:43,119 --> 00:08:45,439 to help women position themselves. 169 00:08:45,439 --> 00:08:49,479 But we still haven't found a truly unisex lavatory 170 00:08:49,479 --> 00:08:50,759 that works for everybody. 171 00:08:50,759 --> 00:08:53,159 Are they holding their personal toilet? They're all... Yes. 172 00:08:53,159 --> 00:08:56,439 Where is the...? Where are the ridges? On the inside of the... 173 00:08:56,439 --> 00:08:59,479 So the women have to, yes, position their bottom exactly right. 174 00:08:59,479 --> 00:09:02,919 Where are the ridges? So there is a serious issue, OK - 175 00:09:02,919 --> 00:09:06,599 the old toilet did not allow astronauts to urinate and defecate 176 00:09:06,599 --> 00:09:09,639 at the same time. And that is more difficult for women to control. 177 00:09:09,639 --> 00:09:13,799 It's just a thing. Can we just do a quick sort of straw poll. Mm. 178 00:09:13,799 --> 00:09:17,359 Is it difficult for you not to defecate when you've had a piss? 179 00:09:17,359 --> 00:09:21,359 Sorry, can I just check, Jo, have you been speed dating before? 180 00:09:21,359 --> 00:09:24,119 LAUGHTER 181 00:09:24,119 --> 00:09:25,759 "Can I just check, 182 00:09:25,759 --> 00:09:29,119 "do you find it difficult to defecate and piss at the same time? 183 00:09:29,119 --> 00:09:31,839 "No? You're in, get your coat, you've pulled." I was so excited 184 00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:34,199 about being on this show. I told my mum and dad, they said, 185 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,639 "Oh, you're on with Jo Brand? Let me know what she's like." 186 00:09:36,639 --> 00:09:40,319 I'm going to tell her, you'll never guess what that she asked me, Mum. 187 00:09:40,319 --> 00:09:45,319 If women defecate, they nearly always urinate at the same time. 188 00:09:45,319 --> 00:09:48,439 I'm 52. I don't think I ever knew that. Yeah. 189 00:09:48,439 --> 00:09:52,879 Never crops up, though, does it? It does when I'm speed dating. 190 00:09:52,879 --> 00:09:56,759 That's how I met my husband. Anyway... What they have now 191 00:09:56,759 --> 00:09:59,399 is they have, like, a training potty on the ground 192 00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:02,039 which has got a camera in it to teach you how to position yourself. 193 00:10:02,039 --> 00:10:05,119 And so what they have is a vacuum cleaner-like contraption 194 00:10:05,119 --> 00:10:09,759 to suck away the urine and then a hole with a bag for the faeces, OK? 195 00:10:09,759 --> 00:10:12,519 But how...? Surely just a cork would do. 196 00:10:12,519 --> 00:10:14,879 That would certainly sort it out. But there was a problem. 197 00:10:14,879 --> 00:10:16,999 It was a really big problem in the early days. 198 00:10:16,999 --> 00:10:19,519 They used to have to put some germ-killing liquid in the bags, 199 00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:22,479 the bag with the faeces, and then they had to knead it 200 00:10:22,479 --> 00:10:25,319 for a few minutes. They themselves? Yes. 201 00:10:25,319 --> 00:10:27,839 So it could be stabilised and then it was stowed away 202 00:10:27,839 --> 00:10:30,639 for re-entry. Re-entry?! 203 00:10:30,639 --> 00:10:34,319 LAUGHTER 204 00:10:34,319 --> 00:10:40,039 Wow! Surely they could just put it in the bin? 205 00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:44,239 So, when the toilet container is full of sealed poo bags, 206 00:10:44,239 --> 00:10:46,479 it jettisons them into space 207 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:49,079 and they eventually burn up in the Earth's atmosphere 208 00:10:49,079 --> 00:10:51,519 and become shooting stars. 209 00:10:51,519 --> 00:10:55,239 Oh. That's not going to be quite as romantic now we see.. No. 210 00:10:55,239 --> 00:10:58,119 "Oh, look, you know that, I reckon that was Neil Armstrong 211 00:10:58,119 --> 00:11:01,519 "having a shit, that one." Anyway, moving on. 212 00:11:01,519 --> 00:11:05,799 Now, what's the best way to survive in the Sahara? Oh. 213 00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:08,479 JO: Are we allowed to ask you about this? Yes, go on, then. 214 00:11:08,479 --> 00:11:12,679 Cos I reckon you know quite a lot about the Sahara cos you're Sandi. 215 00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:14,319 Hey-hey! 216 00:11:14,319 --> 00:11:17,799 Heeeey. Thank you. 217 00:11:17,799 --> 00:11:21,039 Thank God that was a joke cos I thought your geography was terrible. 218 00:11:21,039 --> 00:11:25,679 I thought you were going to go, "You know about the Sahara cos you're Danish." 219 00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:27,639 What was the question? 220 00:11:27,639 --> 00:11:30,919 What's the best way to survive in the Sahara? 221 00:11:30,919 --> 00:11:33,719 Wear a hat. Yeah. I know how to get water. 222 00:11:33,719 --> 00:11:37,679 You can get a bit of plastic with four sticks in the corners 223 00:11:37,679 --> 00:11:39,439 so it dips in the middle, 224 00:11:39,439 --> 00:11:41,559 and you put a cup under it... Mm-hm. 225 00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:46,599 ..and then the condensation at night will get under, on the underside, 226 00:11:46,599 --> 00:11:48,879 and will all run to the middle and drop in the cup. 227 00:11:48,879 --> 00:11:52,959 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: That's a tip from the outback in Australia that I learned when I was in Australia. 228 00:11:52,959 --> 00:11:54,919 AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: You're absolutely right. 229 00:11:54,919 --> 00:11:56,999 NORMAL ACCENT: But what if you've got some water? 230 00:11:56,999 --> 00:11:59,039 Should you make it last for a long time or drink it all? 231 00:11:59,039 --> 00:12:01,079 What should you do? Sip it slowly. No. No. 232 00:12:01,079 --> 00:12:03,559 I know that. I meant gulp it all down in one. 233 00:12:03,559 --> 00:12:06,639 In fact, only have half of it and throw the other half away. 234 00:12:06,639 --> 00:12:08,839 LAUGHTER 235 00:12:08,839 --> 00:12:12,079 Lots and lots of hikers who have been found in a poor condition 236 00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:14,559 have been found with plenty of water in their bottles. 237 00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:18,439 If you're thirsty, you should drink. The water is better inside you than it is inside the bottle. 238 00:12:18,439 --> 00:12:21,239 And you should use relatively large gulps, to be honest, 239 00:12:21,239 --> 00:12:23,919 cos if you use small sips, the body does not recognise 240 00:12:23,919 --> 00:12:26,239 that it has been rehydrated and you stay thirsty. 241 00:12:26,239 --> 00:12:28,839 But the first thing... And you should, by the way, 242 00:12:28,839 --> 00:12:30,319 once you've emptied your bottle, 243 00:12:30,319 --> 00:12:33,159 fill it up with your urine and drink it. No. No? Yes. 244 00:12:33,159 --> 00:12:36,679 You shouldn't do that? No. Bear Grylls does that. Absolutely not. 245 00:12:36,679 --> 00:12:40,599 No matter what Bear Grylls says, drinking urine will only further dehydrate you. 246 00:12:40,599 --> 00:12:44,239 Why might that be? Because it's very salty. Unbelievably salty. 247 00:12:44,239 --> 00:12:47,239 It has a salt content of about 2%, depending on the person. Oh, Bear. 248 00:12:47,239 --> 00:12:50,799 That's not much lower than sea water, which is 3.5%. 249 00:12:50,799 --> 00:12:54,239 And kidneys will waste water trying to remove the salt from the body 250 00:12:54,239 --> 00:12:55,519 for a second time. 251 00:12:55,519 --> 00:12:58,159 So one of the other things is what you said about wearing a hat, 252 00:12:58,159 --> 00:13:01,599 saves sweat, not water, so you can reduce the amount of water 253 00:13:01,599 --> 00:13:03,279 you're losing by finding shade. 254 00:13:03,279 --> 00:13:06,839 Don't eat too much because your body will waste water digesting it 255 00:13:06,839 --> 00:13:08,919 and even keeping out of the wind, 256 00:13:08,919 --> 00:13:11,759 because air can speed up sweat evaporation. 257 00:13:11,759 --> 00:13:14,959 What about taking water out of a cactus? What do we think about that? 258 00:13:14,959 --> 00:13:17,639 I'd say that's a good idea. LAUGHTER 259 00:13:17,639 --> 00:13:21,519 So you're in the Sahara... Yeah. Yeah, you'd struggle to find one. 260 00:13:21,519 --> 00:13:23,959 Oh, you're still in the Sahara? I'm still in the Sahara. 261 00:13:23,959 --> 00:13:25,559 You didn't say that. Oh, in that case, 262 00:13:25,559 --> 00:13:29,239 if you're in the Sahara, I'll tell you what, I wouldn't even bother, there isn't any. 263 00:13:29,239 --> 00:13:32,679 What do you think kills more people than that thirst in the desert? 264 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:35,959 I bet it's hypothermia. No, it's not hypothermia. 265 00:13:35,959 --> 00:13:39,519 It's counterintuitive is what it is. Chapped lips. 266 00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:42,999 What would be the very, very, very extreme opposite of dehydration? 267 00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:45,079 Drowning. Drowning is exactly right. 268 00:13:45,079 --> 00:13:47,519 Drowning? Drowning in the desert? Drowning is exactly right. 269 00:13:47,519 --> 00:13:50,239 People neglect the threat of flash floods. 270 00:13:50,239 --> 00:13:53,999 So dry channels, ditches, what are sometimes called wadi, 271 00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:56,359 they can fill with water really quickly. 272 00:13:56,359 --> 00:13:59,039 And it's fantastically strong and very, very violent. 273 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,519 And it can suddenly create a wall 10 to 30 feet high. 274 00:14:01,519 --> 00:14:04,159 More people will die of drowning than they will die of thirst. 275 00:14:04,159 --> 00:14:06,999 Don't go to the desert without a life jacket. 276 00:14:06,999 --> 00:14:10,199 I just love the idea of Alan walking around in a life jacket. 277 00:14:10,199 --> 00:14:13,519 "You'll see. You'll see." 278 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,439 Speaking of a lack of water, 279 00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:18,919 what Olympic sport could you do in an empty swimming pool? 280 00:14:18,919 --> 00:14:23,119 So we're looking for a sport that roughly takes place in that size? 281 00:14:23,119 --> 00:14:26,279 Well, it's a sport that developed from empty swimming pools. 282 00:14:26,279 --> 00:14:29,959 Skateboarding. Yes! What about comedy diving? 283 00:14:29,959 --> 00:14:32,839 You'd only have the event the one time, I think. 284 00:14:32,839 --> 00:14:37,679 Like that TV show Splash! that you did, but it'd be called Thud! 285 00:14:37,679 --> 00:14:40,319 I was just going to say synchronised swimming, 286 00:14:40,319 --> 00:14:43,119 cos then it's just dancing, innit? That would just be nice. 287 00:14:43,119 --> 00:14:45,159 Just dancing in a floral bonnet. 288 00:14:45,159 --> 00:14:48,039 There was a drought in California in the late 1970s and it meant 289 00:14:48,039 --> 00:14:50,679 there were a lot of pools that were left empty and it coincided 290 00:14:50,679 --> 00:14:53,639 with the rise of skateboarding and it helped develop the concept, 291 00:14:53,639 --> 00:14:56,759 first of all, of something called bowl skating. And then... 292 00:14:56,759 --> 00:15:00,119 Not a pool like that, though. They're called kidney shaped pools. 293 00:15:00,119 --> 00:15:03,279 Yeah. Yeah. I used to skateboard, you know. Back in the day. Did you? 294 00:15:03,279 --> 00:15:07,759 Yes, I loved it. Had Kryptonic wheels. 295 00:15:07,759 --> 00:15:11,999 Red. 65 mils. There are people at home going, "Oh!" 296 00:15:11,999 --> 00:15:17,599 When you see, like, the sort of '90s grunge music videos from California, 297 00:15:17,599 --> 00:15:21,239 they're often skateboarding around... Doing the stuff. Yeah. 298 00:15:21,239 --> 00:15:25,679 Alan's quite pleased that you associate his skateboarding with the '90s! 299 00:15:25,679 --> 00:15:29,319 It was a long time before that. They're all skateboarding round 300 00:15:29,319 --> 00:15:32,279 and Alan's there going, "I'll pick you up at five, love." 301 00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:35,719 LAUGHTER 302 00:15:35,719 --> 00:15:36,919 Anyway, some tricks. 303 00:15:36,919 --> 00:15:41,479 Let's see if anybody can tell me what they entail. A stiffy. 304 00:15:41,479 --> 00:15:44,999 That's when you skateboard with an erection. 305 00:15:44,999 --> 00:15:47,599 LAUGHTER 306 00:15:47,599 --> 00:15:50,759 And it's very important not to fall. 307 00:15:50,759 --> 00:15:53,679 Is a stiffy when you go along those metal railings 308 00:15:53,679 --> 00:15:56,839 cos they're stiff? No. So you jump off the top of the ramp, 309 00:15:56,839 --> 00:15:58,479 you keep both your feet on the board, 310 00:15:58,479 --> 00:16:02,199 and then you straighten your legs and hold your board with your hand. 311 00:16:02,199 --> 00:16:04,559 OK, how about a hippy jump? Oh, well, that's easy. 312 00:16:04,559 --> 00:16:08,119 You just got a fellow along to lie down and try and jump him like a double decker bus. 313 00:16:08,119 --> 00:16:10,639 A little bit. Is it a bit like that? A little bit. 314 00:16:10,639 --> 00:16:13,519 Basically, you jump off your board, so over an obstacle, 315 00:16:13,519 --> 00:16:15,999 it keeps rolling and then you land back on it. 316 00:16:15,999 --> 00:16:19,999 Oh, I've seen these. Have you? Yeah. Salad grind. 317 00:16:19,999 --> 00:16:22,519 That's just a lunch break from it all, isn't it? 318 00:16:22,519 --> 00:16:25,319 So the back wheels slide across the top of a ramp 319 00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:28,359 while the front is raised upwards. It's named after the inventor, a man 320 00:16:28,359 --> 00:16:31,359 called Ed Dressen and who was known to his friends as "Salad" Dressen. 321 00:16:31,359 --> 00:16:34,279 Oh, clever. Oh, now you've explained I can't believe I didn't get it. 322 00:16:34,279 --> 00:16:38,039 Yeah. The opposite of a salad grind is a willy grind 323 00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,999 where the front slides on the ramp and the back is depressed. 324 00:16:40,999 --> 00:16:43,839 And your cock goes along the edge of the ramp. 325 00:16:43,839 --> 00:16:48,119 Named after a Filipino boarder called Willy Santos. 326 00:16:48,119 --> 00:16:52,759 This one's very unpleasant. This is called a sack tap. 327 00:16:52,759 --> 00:16:56,639 I know what a back, crack and sack is. Have you ever had one? 328 00:16:56,639 --> 00:16:59,639 No. I've often thought about it. Why have you thought about it? 329 00:16:59,639 --> 00:17:03,479 Are you particularly hairy? No, but I'd like to be smooth. 330 00:17:03,479 --> 00:17:08,119 LAUGHTER 331 00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:10,159 Just for once, you know. 332 00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:13,279 Do you know what the correct term is for hairy buttocks? I do not. 333 00:17:13,279 --> 00:17:17,799 Dasypygal. Wasn't she a judge on Strictly? 334 00:17:17,799 --> 00:17:19,639 Sack tap. Well, a sack, 335 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,639 it'll be something about you go so low down... Yeah. 336 00:17:22,639 --> 00:17:24,679 ..that you're tapping your sack on the board. 337 00:17:24,679 --> 00:17:28,879 Oh, you'd, like, teabag the floor. Teabagging the floor to put it 338 00:17:28,879 --> 00:17:31,159 in more youthful terminology. 339 00:17:31,159 --> 00:17:33,759 So the skater has jumped off the top of the ramp, OK, 340 00:17:33,759 --> 00:17:35,639 they grab the board with both hands 341 00:17:35,639 --> 00:17:39,239 and then they tap the scrotum with the board and then put the board 342 00:17:39,239 --> 00:17:41,919 back under the feet. Who thought that was a thing? 343 00:17:41,919 --> 00:17:45,799 Tapping your scrotum with a skateboard? Be awful if you started, 344 00:17:45,799 --> 00:17:51,919 and you didn't even have to lift the board up! Lee! 345 00:17:51,919 --> 00:17:54,799 That's horrible. 346 00:17:54,799 --> 00:17:57,959 What is so solid about the siksik squirrel? 347 00:17:57,959 --> 00:18:00,639 What are you calling him, the squirrel? Siksik. Siksik? 348 00:18:00,639 --> 00:18:03,239 Also known as the Arctic ground squirrel. 349 00:18:03,239 --> 00:18:06,079 Siksik. He's called siksik because that's the sound he makes. 350 00:18:06,079 --> 00:18:09,319 It's onomatopoeic. Oh. Very strong teeth. 351 00:18:09,319 --> 00:18:12,319 No. This is... You know, every now and then we do a creature on here 352 00:18:12,319 --> 00:18:14,759 that I go, oh, isn't the world amazing? 353 00:18:14,759 --> 00:18:19,519 So it hibernates for eight months of the year, during which time 354 00:18:19,519 --> 00:18:23,159 it freezes solid - the whole squirrel, OK? What?! 355 00:18:23,159 --> 00:18:27,639 It can supercool its blood to minus three degrees centigrade. 356 00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:30,079 So that's colder than any other mammal can survive. 357 00:18:30,079 --> 00:18:32,679 Humans die if our temperature fluctuates even by a few degrees 358 00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,759 either side of 37.5. 359 00:18:34,759 --> 00:18:37,759 So a liquid needs something for its molecules to grab on to 360 00:18:37,759 --> 00:18:39,399 before it can form ice crystals. 361 00:18:39,399 --> 00:18:43,759 And to avoid this, all imperfections are removed from a siksik's blood 362 00:18:43,759 --> 00:18:47,919 and we do not know how they do this. Whoa. 363 00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:49,879 But here's the really unfortunate side-effect. 364 00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:52,399 They hide away, so you can... I can imagine what the side-effect is - 365 00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:55,679 people finding them. If you picked one up, darling, and you shook it, 366 00:18:55,679 --> 00:18:58,079 it would freeze and die. Oh! 367 00:18:58,079 --> 00:19:01,359 So its heartbeat slows down to just twice a minute. 368 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,479 So that's the same pace as a... Blue whale. A blue whale, exactly right. 369 00:19:04,479 --> 00:19:06,999 Every three weeks, it comes out of hibernation 370 00:19:06,999 --> 00:19:08,519 because it has to go to sleep, 371 00:19:08,519 --> 00:19:10,599 because, even though it's been frozen, 372 00:19:10,599 --> 00:19:14,479 the brain still needs sleep from time to time. 373 00:19:14,479 --> 00:19:20,239 Now, what happens to your body if you engage in too much spelunking? 374 00:19:20,239 --> 00:19:23,639 Spelunking... Is it one of your skateboard moves? 375 00:19:23,639 --> 00:19:27,559 Oh! No. I like that, though. We've done a quick spelunk. 376 00:19:27,559 --> 00:19:32,039 So the Latin "spelunca" is cave. 377 00:19:32,039 --> 00:19:34,799 So it's the hobby of exploring caves - spelunking. 378 00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:39,519 Oh! Ah. So, in 1989, they did an experiment. 379 00:19:39,519 --> 00:19:42,439 They took a 27-year-old Italian interior designer called 380 00:19:42,439 --> 00:19:45,519 Stefania Follini and it was an experiment about circadian rhythm, 381 00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:47,959 so about the way in which your body normally functions. 382 00:19:47,959 --> 00:19:50,719 And she lived in isolation in a cave in New Mexico. 383 00:19:50,719 --> 00:19:53,759 This is the actual cave where she lived. She had a guitar, 384 00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:56,159 she had computers not attached to the internet. 385 00:19:56,159 --> 00:19:58,439 She found two mice in the cave, 386 00:19:58,439 --> 00:20:01,279 which she named Giuseppe and Nicoletta, 387 00:20:01,279 --> 00:20:03,159 and they became her sort of companions. 388 00:20:03,159 --> 00:20:07,239 I thought you said she found a mouse called Giuseppi and Nicol ate her. 389 00:20:07,239 --> 00:20:11,479 Don't know who Nicol is but it's her only friend, she could have left him alone. 390 00:20:11,479 --> 00:20:15,199 She lost weight. She had very low vitamin D. Her period stopped. 391 00:20:15,199 --> 00:20:17,119 Her body clock changed completely. 392 00:20:17,119 --> 00:20:20,359 She would stay awake for 20 hours and then sleep for 10. Oh. 393 00:20:20,359 --> 00:20:22,999 And when she came out after 130 days, 394 00:20:22,999 --> 00:20:27,439 she guessed she'd been there for 60 days. Whoa! Did she have... 395 00:20:27,439 --> 00:20:28,879 She had the lighting, right? 396 00:20:28,879 --> 00:20:31,439 She had that lighting, but she didn't have any natural light. 397 00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:33,399 She had no form of time-telling. ..whatsoever. 398 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,559 And when she came out, it was really way, way too bright for her. 399 00:20:36,559 --> 00:20:40,639 She had to have dark glasses and so on. There she is, coming out. 400 00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:44,319 Oh, yeah. Looks all right. Looks all right, but that's going in. Yeah. 401 00:20:44,319 --> 00:20:46,159 LAUGHTER 402 00:20:46,159 --> 00:20:49,759 Caves - we go back to spelunking - can obviously cause claustrophobia, 403 00:20:49,759 --> 00:20:51,279 but I just wanted to show you this 404 00:20:51,279 --> 00:20:53,879 cos it's one of my bucket list things I want to do. 405 00:20:53,879 --> 00:20:57,759 It's the Sarawak Chamber in Borneo. It is... Look at that. Wow, yeah. 406 00:20:57,759 --> 00:20:59,759 But what you get in there is not claustrophobia, 407 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,359 because obviously it's a large space. 408 00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:03,639 You get agoraphobia, which is... 409 00:21:03,639 --> 00:21:06,279 A lot of people call it a fear of open spaces 410 00:21:06,279 --> 00:21:08,679 but, basically, it's a situation where you feel 411 00:21:08,679 --> 00:21:13,159 there may be no escape from it. Isn't it ag-raphobia? It... Yes. 412 00:21:13,159 --> 00:21:15,999 It's not called agoraphobia... OK, so the Elves and I had 413 00:21:15,999 --> 00:21:17,519 had a long discussion about this... 414 00:21:17,519 --> 00:21:19,679 Isn't the Agora the name of the public square? 415 00:21:19,679 --> 00:21:22,719 Is that where it comes? Yes. It is to do with wide open spaces. 416 00:21:22,719 --> 00:21:26,199 And I said ag-raphobia and they assured me it was agoraphobia. 417 00:21:26,199 --> 00:21:29,039 They're wrong. But everybody says "ag-raphobia". Everyone says... 418 00:21:29,039 --> 00:21:31,119 It's the same word with different pronunciations. 419 00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:32,799 Listen to them backtracking in your ear. 420 00:21:32,799 --> 00:21:34,399 "It's the same word, it's the same word! 421 00:21:34,399 --> 00:21:37,719 "It's a different pronunciation!" You've got it wrong! 422 00:21:37,719 --> 00:21:40,759 You Elves... El-ves, I call you. 423 00:21:40,759 --> 00:21:42,959 LAUGHTER 424 00:21:42,959 --> 00:21:46,559 People in that cave might be suffering from megalophobia, 425 00:21:46,559 --> 00:21:50,719 which is a fear of huge structures. Me-gail-o-phobia. 426 00:21:50,719 --> 00:21:55,799 You could fit ten Wembley stadia inside there. Stadium! 427 00:21:55,799 --> 00:22:00,719 LAUGHTER 428 00:22:00,719 --> 00:22:03,759 We just say Wembleys. You don't need a plural of Wembley Stadium, do you? 429 00:22:03,759 --> 00:22:06,799 There's only ever going to be one. Unless you need to fit ten of them. 430 00:22:06,799 --> 00:22:09,999 They must be Wembley Stadiums because they can only ever be 431 00:22:09,999 --> 00:22:13,279 one Wembley Stadium. OK. Thank you. Good night. 432 00:22:13,279 --> 00:22:15,479 LAUGHTER 433 00:22:15,479 --> 00:22:20,959 It's a shame, cos you really were looking as though you were going to win and now I don't know. 434 00:22:20,959 --> 00:22:23,879 I never win on this show. Do you want to win? 435 00:22:23,879 --> 00:22:28,159 More than you could possibly imagine, Jo. I always come last, Jo. 436 00:22:28,159 --> 00:22:31,399 OK. And with that, it's time for a round of killer questions, 437 00:22:31,399 --> 00:22:34,599 the plague on all your houses that we call General Ignorance. 438 00:22:34,599 --> 00:22:36,039 Fingers on buzzers, please. 439 00:22:36,039 --> 00:22:39,679 Which of these soaps will clean me up best? 440 00:22:39,679 --> 00:22:43,719 Oh. Oh, yes, Lee. Gotta be the antibacterial. 441 00:22:43,719 --> 00:22:46,919 KLAXON 442 00:22:46,919 --> 00:22:50,639 It's got to be. Are the Elves wrong again? 443 00:22:50,639 --> 00:22:53,039 LAUGHTER, KLAXON 444 00:22:53,039 --> 00:22:58,159 Oh, no, sorry, sorry, no, no, no, no, no. 445 00:22:58,159 --> 00:23:03,799 Is it the antibac-terial? Did I pronounce it wrong? 446 00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:06,719 Maisie. Normal. You're absolutely right. 447 00:23:06,719 --> 00:23:09,919 There is no clear evidence that antibacterial soap is any better. 448 00:23:09,919 --> 00:23:11,399 May even be worse. 449 00:23:11,399 --> 00:23:15,039 So soap works by dissolving fats, which helps dislodge the dirt... 450 00:23:15,039 --> 00:23:18,279 What?! LAUGHTER 451 00:23:18,279 --> 00:23:22,519 To think if you just showered more. No-one told me that! 452 00:23:22,519 --> 00:23:24,679 I eat three bars a day. 453 00:23:24,679 --> 00:23:28,319 You've not been overeating, you've been underwashing. Yes! 454 00:23:28,319 --> 00:23:30,679 LAUGHTER 455 00:23:30,679 --> 00:23:33,759 A lot of those beauty bars, the ones that smell really nice, 456 00:23:33,759 --> 00:23:36,999 are technically not soap at all. They're cheese. 457 00:23:36,999 --> 00:23:40,199 Just lathering yourself up with brie. Philadelphia. 458 00:23:40,199 --> 00:23:41,879 Are they toad vomit? 459 00:23:41,879 --> 00:23:46,679 "Oh, God, I've left the toad in the chimney again!" 460 00:23:46,679 --> 00:23:50,399 They're technically synthetic detergents and not soap at all. 461 00:23:50,399 --> 00:23:53,959 Soap has to consist of alkali salts, fatty acids. 462 00:23:53,959 --> 00:23:57,759 How can you tell that your toe is not broken? 463 00:23:57,759 --> 00:23:59,399 You can wiggle it. 464 00:23:59,399 --> 00:24:02,079 KLAXON Oh. 465 00:24:05,279 --> 00:24:09,079 I forget with this show to say it in your head first. Yeah. 466 00:24:09,079 --> 00:24:13,759 Edit. Yeah. So it is an old maxim if you can move it, it's not broken. 467 00:24:13,759 --> 00:24:15,999 It's not only unsympathetic, it's untrue. 468 00:24:15,999 --> 00:24:19,479 I mean, the toe is the least of that person's worries. Yeah. 469 00:24:19,479 --> 00:24:24,119 You've managed to find the only picture of somebody who hasn't broken their toe. 470 00:24:24,119 --> 00:24:27,679 The poor person is going to wake up and they've just got somebody going, 471 00:24:27,679 --> 00:24:31,159 "Great news is - wiggle them toes!" 472 00:24:31,159 --> 00:24:34,079 I think the best clue is if you hear a loud snap, 473 00:24:34,079 --> 00:24:36,719 that's usually... That's the best clue. 474 00:24:36,719 --> 00:24:41,199 How does eating food help you get less drunk? It lines...mm. 475 00:24:41,199 --> 00:24:46,039 Oh! Go on, Maisie! Go on, Maisie! Come on! 476 00:24:46,039 --> 00:24:49,319 Maisie was going to say line your stomach. No! 477 00:24:49,319 --> 00:24:51,919 KLAXON That's for you. 478 00:24:51,919 --> 00:24:53,759 That's not me, that's for you. 479 00:24:53,759 --> 00:24:56,839 What's Kate Middleton doing in the kitchen? 480 00:24:56,839 --> 00:24:59,879 If you were there you'd go, "You need to take a look at yourself, love." 481 00:24:59,879 --> 00:25:03,079 Yeah. She looks like... Eating a pizza, swigging... 482 00:25:03,079 --> 00:25:06,239 Come on, Lee, that's your dream girl. 483 00:25:06,239 --> 00:25:08,599 Anyway, here's the thing. When you drink alcohol, 484 00:25:08,599 --> 00:25:12,879 it can enter your bloodstream one of two ways - either through your stomach or your small intestine. 485 00:25:12,879 --> 00:25:17,519 The intestine obviously has a much larger surface area, so it absorbs alcohol much more quickly. 486 00:25:17,519 --> 00:25:20,119 And which of these is going to end up doing the job 487 00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:22,159 depends on what you have eaten. 488 00:25:22,159 --> 00:25:25,039 So if you are full, the sphincter between your stomach 489 00:25:25,039 --> 00:25:28,679 and your small intestine is closed and more of the work will be done 490 00:25:28,679 --> 00:25:30,959 by your stomach, so a fatty meal 491 00:25:30,959 --> 00:25:35,039 can reduce your peak alcohol concentration by 50%. 492 00:25:35,039 --> 00:25:39,439 Never mind all that, we ordered olives - where are they? 493 00:25:39,439 --> 00:25:41,479 So what's the right thing to eat? 494 00:25:41,479 --> 00:25:44,519 You want to have something... It doesn't actually line your stomach, 495 00:25:44,519 --> 00:25:46,119 it just keeps your stomach very busy 496 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:48,599 so that it can't get through to the intestine. Keeps it busy. 497 00:25:48,599 --> 00:25:51,559 It's the same reason, darling that low-sugar mixers, you know, 498 00:25:51,559 --> 00:25:55,279 like slimline tonics, you get drunk faster... I've never had a slimline tonic in my life. 499 00:25:55,279 --> 00:25:58,999 Never been so insulted! 500 00:25:58,999 --> 00:26:02,199 They get you drunk faster than normal mixers. Oh. Do they? 501 00:26:02,199 --> 00:26:04,799 Yeah. So with a normal... I'll try it, then. 502 00:26:04,799 --> 00:26:07,959 With a normal sugary mix, there's lots of calories to burn, 503 00:26:07,959 --> 00:26:10,599 it keeps your stomach working and it keeps the alcohol away 504 00:26:10,599 --> 00:26:12,679 from the intestines for longer. 505 00:26:12,679 --> 00:26:14,999 In fact, it can put you over the limit on a breathalyser. 506 00:26:14,999 --> 00:26:16,559 That's the difference. 507 00:26:16,559 --> 00:26:20,839 Eating might help you slow how drunk you get, but it doesn't do it by soaking up the booze. 508 00:26:20,839 --> 00:26:24,359 Helen of Troy had a face that launched how many ships? 509 00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:28,439 Careful, Maisie. Oh, Maisie, what is it? Come on, Maisie. 510 00:26:28,439 --> 00:26:31,279 I can't remember the number now. Help me out here, Maisie. 511 00:26:31,279 --> 00:26:34,199 Oh, shall I do it? Maisie, I'll do it. A thousand. 512 00:26:34,199 --> 00:26:38,119 KLAXON Yay! 513 00:26:38,119 --> 00:26:40,679 But, at the time, there weren't a thousand ships in the world. 514 00:26:40,679 --> 00:26:43,839 There weren't enough shipbuilders. Yeah, something like that. 515 00:26:43,839 --> 00:26:47,919 There weren't any oceans. There were no such thing as... No-one had sailed anywhere. 516 00:26:47,919 --> 00:26:49,599 LAUGHTER 517 00:26:49,599 --> 00:26:51,799 No? None of those? 518 00:26:51,799 --> 00:26:54,839 People rowed. They didn't launch ships. 519 00:26:54,839 --> 00:26:58,279 They didn't have a slip thing. They didn't have the champagne bottle. 520 00:26:58,279 --> 00:27:01,759 They would they would take the ship out a bit at a time. 521 00:27:01,759 --> 00:27:05,999 She didn't have a face. She was faceless! 522 00:27:05,999 --> 00:27:09,079 It's totally smooth and faceless like an AI robot. 523 00:27:09,079 --> 00:27:11,919 The face that launched a thousand ships, it dates back to 524 00:27:11,919 --> 00:27:15,119 a 1592 play, Doctor Faustus by Christopher Marlowe 525 00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:16,879 and it's a rounding down. 526 00:27:16,879 --> 00:27:21,439 Homer's Iliad specifically says there were 1,186 ships 527 00:27:21,439 --> 00:27:24,279 in the Greek fleet that sailed to Troy for the Trojan War. 528 00:27:24,279 --> 00:27:26,839 Actually, there's lots of misconceptions about the Iliad. 529 00:27:26,839 --> 00:27:28,999 It makes no mention of a wooden horse whatsoever. 530 00:27:28,999 --> 00:27:31,879 That's actually referred to in The Odyssey, which is the sequel, 531 00:27:31,879 --> 00:27:33,639 and then only in sort of flashback form. 532 00:27:33,639 --> 00:27:37,079 And, of course, Helen of Troy was actually Helen of... Birmingham. 533 00:27:37,079 --> 00:27:40,759 LAUGHTER 534 00:27:40,759 --> 00:27:43,039 Sparta. She was actually Helen of Sparta. 535 00:27:43,039 --> 00:27:46,119 That's why I won't read The Iliad. There's too many misconceptions. 536 00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:49,639 Yes, there's too much stuff. It's like The Crown. Yeah. Yeah. 537 00:27:49,639 --> 00:27:52,519 There were 1,186 ships in Homer's Iliad 538 00:27:52,519 --> 00:27:55,959 and anyone who says it's 1,000 is almost 20% out. 539 00:27:55,959 --> 00:27:59,439 Which brings us to the exact science of the scores. 540 00:27:59,439 --> 00:28:02,039 Come on, not last. I'll take it. I'll be happy. 541 00:28:02,039 --> 00:28:07,119 Losing the game and their lunch in last place, with minus 27... 542 00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:08,639 ..it's Maisie. Oh. 543 00:28:08,639 --> 00:28:10,199 APPLAUSE 544 00:28:10,199 --> 00:28:14,599 Feeling green around the gills in third place, with minus 15 is Jo! 545 00:28:14,599 --> 00:28:16,279 APPLAUSE 546 00:28:16,279 --> 00:28:19,519 On the road to recovery in second place, with minus three, it's Alan. 547 00:28:19,519 --> 00:28:22,919 APPLAUSE 548 00:28:22,919 --> 00:28:26,319 And in first place... Has that fuckwit won? 549 00:28:26,319 --> 00:28:29,479 LAUGHTER 550 00:28:29,479 --> 00:28:32,119 The eighth chunder of the world... 551 00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:35,799 I don't think me and you as the Chuckle Brothers would work. 552 00:28:35,799 --> 00:28:40,759 ..with no points whatsoever... I'll take it. It's Lee! Yay! 553 00:28:40,759 --> 00:28:44,279 APPLAUSE 554 00:28:48,159 --> 00:28:50,239 Thanks to Maisie, Lee, Jo and Alan 555 00:28:50,239 --> 00:28:53,039 and I leave you with this sickly sign off from the late, great 556 00:28:53,039 --> 00:28:56,879 Ken Dodd. I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. 557 00:28:56,879 --> 00:29:01,559 It started off badly, but by the end, I really liked it. Good night. 558 00:29:01,559 --> 00:29:04,599 APPLAUSE