1 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:28,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,320 Hello, and welcome to QI, 3 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,760 where tonight we're putting the X in textile 4 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:43,760 as we rub up against some slimy, grimy, bumpy and lumpy X materials. 5 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,960 So let's get a feeling for our panel. 6 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,680 The fiercely fluffy Zoe Lyons. 7 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:50,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 8 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,840 The fantastically velvety Laura Smyth. 9 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 10 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,080 The frankly prickly Susan Calman. 11 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:01,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,880 And the frequently plastered Alan Davies. 13 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,280 And their buzzers all describe xylocarps, 15 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:17,480 which are fruit with a hard, woody exterior. 16 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:18,880 So Zoe goes... 17 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,800 # So hard So hard 18 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,240 # Yeah, yeah, yeah 19 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,120 # I'm so hard So hard... # 20 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,520 She's off! Laura goes... 21 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:29,600 # It's hard 22 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:35,000 # So hard... # 23 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,760 Susan goes... 24 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,800 After that, I'm not quite sure I want to press this! 25 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,120 # It's the hard-knock life for us... # 26 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,360 Yes! 27 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,120 # It's the hard-knock life for us... # 28 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,280 SUSAN SINGS ALONG 29 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,920 And Alan goes... 30 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:52,160 # Oh, I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts 31 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:55,040 # There they are all standing in a row. # 32 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:59,240 Right, let's slip and slide straight into question number one. 33 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,920 What can you tell about a man with greasy hair? 34 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:04,920 Ooh! Hmm. 35 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,520 Well, is this an appropriate time to start, Sandi, by saying to you 36 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,520 I find a man with greasy hair the most attractive of all the men? 37 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:14,520 Do you? Is it because you think, "Ooh, I could have an egg on that"? 38 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:20,440 I have a penchant for a gentleman 39 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,040 who looks slightly like a 1940s spiv. 40 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:28,080 You know, the men that used to be in a dark alleyway selling stockings. 41 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,400 You know, they would Brylcreem their hair and stuff. 42 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,040 OK, well, it's actually a question about xerasia. 43 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,840 It's a medical condition. 44 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,320 Oily skin? 45 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,120 No, dry hair. Dry hair? Yes. 46 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,920 I love a medical condition that you go, 47 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,720 "How is that a thing?" Yeah. Yeah. 48 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,400 So dasypygal is one of my favourite medical conditions. 49 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,880 What's that? It's the medical condition of having hairy buttocks. 50 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,280 Should have known that one, to be fair. 51 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:58,080 In ancient Greece, dry hair in men was seen as an indicator 52 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,840 of future baldness, and so men didn't want that, 53 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:05,200 and so in order to counteract it, they used oils made from bear fat 54 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:08,800 and deer bone marrow. Imagine the smell of it. Smell lovely! 55 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,440 These men trying to sell you stockings... 56 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,240 No, I'd love that. Oh, right. OK. 57 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,920 Smell like late night at a chip shop. That'd be delightful. 58 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:17,680 So, basically, a greasy-haired man back then was somebody 59 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,320 who was looking after themselves and who was thinking about the future. 60 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:25,000 If you've got bear fat on your head in the blazing sun... Yeah. 61 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,240 ..you are going to smell like a cafe, aren't you? 62 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,520 Yes, you are going to fizzle a little bit. 63 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,440 Other animals would come and lick you on the head, 64 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,840 I'd have thought. They'd avoid you. They'd be like, 65 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,360 "Oh, that's a fat bear. I'm going nowhere near him." 66 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,280 There's something quite nice, though, 67 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,840 when you have a really good dinner and you have to go home and, 68 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:45,400 like, loosen your trousers, and you lie on the sofa, 69 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,640 and you can still smell everything that you've eaten that evening. 70 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,280 I just feel that you and I have very different life experiences. 71 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,760 Where you can just, like, you get the second wave of, 72 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:02,600 "Oh, that was a lovely chicken dish that I had." 73 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,080 With trousers undone! 74 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,240 "It was worth it. It was worth it!" 75 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,240 When I have a really good dinner, 76 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:12,560 I walk with my stomach right out like that. 77 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,120 "That was lovely!" 78 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,640 Just like you're really pleased with it. 79 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,720 Yeah. Like Winnie-the-Pooh. OK. 80 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,920 Just no trousers. No trousers! 81 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:26,080 The word xerasia was first used by the early third-century physician 82 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:29,760 Galen, and he believed that men went bald more often than women 83 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:33,640 because their bodies contained more heat and less moisture. 84 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,160 More heat? Yeah. Well, I'll counter that! 85 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,720 Absolute rubbish! 86 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,080 I'm like a three-bar fire most of the time. 87 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,040 Three bars? That's... Yeah! 88 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,960 My English grandmother, she had a three-bar fire, 89 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,840 and in all the years I knew her, we never were allowed the three. 90 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,480 One, maybe two. 91 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:57,640 Oh, when we were students, we had to put 50p in the meter, 92 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,120 and we were watching The Singing Detective, 93 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,280 and someone put an extra bar on the fire, and the telly went out. 94 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:09,240 There was an absolute panic on. "We can't miss it. 95 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:12,320 "You'll never see it again. If you miss it, you'll never see it again." 96 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,920 I'm so hot, I've singed my own hair on my buttocks. 97 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,800 You can clear your own arse hair. Yes. 98 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,640 Burning hair smell. "What is that?" 99 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:26,440 "Zoe's butt hair. Sorry." 100 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,960 "Don't worry. It's got a bald patch in the middle. We're fine." 101 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,280 Bet you can smell your dinner, no matter what you'd had. 102 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,160 The two symptoms of menopause - getting hot and being hairy, 103 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:43,440 you've just sorted it out. 104 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,120 You're so hot, you singe your own hair off. 105 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,640 What is that about, getting hairier? That's a very strange thing. 106 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:53,320 Oh! Hair everywhere. Yeah. How can you...? 107 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:59,040 You can go to sleep of an evening as a menopausal middle-aged woman 108 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,880 with nothing on the chin, and you can wake up in the morning, 109 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:03,840 and there's literally bungee rope. 110 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:05,480 Yeah. Yeah. How is that...? 111 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,960 And it's grown with such vigour! It's like that. 112 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,680 "Woohoo!" 113 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,440 I often find myself, when I'm driving along in my little car, 114 00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,760 every single woman at the traffic lights is doing the same thing. 115 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,800 We're all sitting at the traffic lights like that. 116 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,240 How little is your car? 117 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,880 It's a little clown car. I've had a small car. Honest to God, 118 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,280 I put the seat belt on, I look like I'm wearing a rucksack. 119 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:35,040 It's a very small car, and I have to put the seat right forward. 120 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,720 Yes. You're driving like that. 121 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,280 We've got seats you can press a button and they heat up. 122 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:42,360 Oh! Singe me butt hair! Oh! 123 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,680 If I give you a lift, we might find fusion power. 124 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:52,520 ALAN MIMES COMBUSTION 125 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:55,480 If you're a passenger with someone with heated seats and they go, 126 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,240 "Oh, the heated seats are on," 127 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,920 you're like, "Oh, thank God," 128 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,040 because you think you've fudged your puppers. 129 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:04,880 You've what? You've fudged your puppers? Fudged your puppers. 130 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,560 "I'm terribly sorry, Margot... 131 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,240 "I tell you what's happened there. 132 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:14,720 "I thought it was air, but I appear to have fudged my puppers." 133 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,920 I've never heard that expression. Is it a common expression? 134 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:23,680 My mate invented it, but I'm giving it to the world now. 135 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:25,080 I didn't want to say this before, 136 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:29,120 but now that Zoe's been so explicit regarding her menopausal issues, 137 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,880 I have such hot legs all the time. 138 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:36,760 Like, my legs are so hot. OK. So when I go home, 139 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,560 the first thing I do when I get into the porch, 140 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,760 I don't even get into the house, is I drop my trousers. 141 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,600 Do you live in an isolated area, or...? 142 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,640 It's a commune. 143 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,120 I've got a glass front door. 144 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,840 But I feel safe, because that's my property then, isn't it? 145 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,760 And if you're looking at me, then you're the pervert. 146 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:04,640 I don't think that's how the police see it. 147 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:11,760 Because my legs, the temperature of my legs! 148 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,720 Is that because of all the stockings you buy from men in alleys? 149 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:24,400 In 2013, a Chinese inventor patented an automatic xerasia machine. 150 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,360 What do you think it was for? 151 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:27,640 Washing the hair? 152 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:32,800 Kind of. It's a sort of hairdryer for dogs. 153 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:36,400 You put your wet pet in a box, and it blew hot air 154 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,680 all the way through and collected all the shedding. 155 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,680 You just shoved it in a box and that was it. 156 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,280 When did they invent this? 2013. Oh! 157 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,400 2013? Mm. Sorry, I misheard. 158 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:49,080 I thought you said 1713. 159 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,360 1713, those electric hairdryers were terrible. 160 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,440 So he's basically just taken a hairdryer and used it on a dog? 161 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,360 And stuck it in a box, really. Yeah. Yeah. 162 00:08:58,360 --> 00:08:59,840 They have them at Alton Towers. 163 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,160 Yeah. They have them at Legoland as well. 164 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,560 If you go through the log flume, 165 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,360 the whole family can stand in a big hairdryer together. 166 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,200 It's one of the highlights of the weekend. 167 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,520 If you've got a smaller dog - an air fryer. 168 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,880 Surely you just put your dog behind you and it'll dry out that way! 169 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,840 So, bearing that in mind, I want you to look under your desks. 170 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,080 You've each got a dry-hair-related item. 171 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,560 I want you to tell me how they would work. 172 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:30,160 Susan, you've got a hat. 173 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,600 Any thoughts about how that might work? 174 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,440 Oh, it's very fetching. Is it? 175 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,120 Well, is it to...? 176 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,840 Does it funnel heat to the top? No. 177 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:53,040 So it's called a solana. So we're talking about... 178 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,680 That is so cute. 179 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,920 Literally need a pitchfork. 180 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:04,880 Possibly a pig. 181 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:09,360 Noble women in Renaissance Italy used to dry their hair 182 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,640 before they bleached it. 183 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:14,840 So there's a fantastic book, written in 1562 by an Italian physician 184 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,760 called Giovanni Marinello, called Gli Ornamenti Delle Donna, 185 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,360 and it described ideal hair like this - 186 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:25,920 long, soft, thick, curled, and a blonde colour resembling gold. 187 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,920 But not everybody had that hair, right? 188 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,480 So they used to use dyes made of saffron and chamomile, horse urine, 189 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,280 I'm afraid. Sorry about that. And you would apply the dye, 190 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:36,400 and then you would put on the solana, right? Right. 191 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,760 And you would fan your hair out across the brim, 192 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:42,560 and so the sun dried it, but the brim protected your skin 193 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,640 both from the dye and from the sun. 194 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:48,240 Lucrezia Borgia, the illegitimate daughter of Pope Alexander VI... 195 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,600 I think if you say, "She's the daughter of the Pope," 196 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,680 you probably don't need to say "illegitimate", do you? Yeah. 197 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,400 You'd put the two things together. Yeah. If she didn't want to go 198 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,960 to a party, she would say she was drying her hair with the solana. 199 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,040 So that was the... That was her excuse. 200 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,200 You could use that now, now that you've got one. 201 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,680 Oh, yeah. Sure. So, Zoe, what have you got? 202 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:09,440 I've got the world's tiniest mangle. 203 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,440 Imagine it's a large mangle. Right. OK. What might you do with it? 204 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:16,960 So you would feed yourself through the mangle? 205 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,960 Yes, is the answer. So we're talking about Missouri, 206 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,080 and they would have these on the beaches. 207 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,880 We're talking about the early 1900s. 208 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,680 You squeeze the water out of your hair, 209 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,400 and then you wrap your hair in a towel so it doesn't get stuck. 210 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,720 Because if you did not do that, you might have to be cut free. 211 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:35,760 We found a fantastic newspaper headline from the St Paul Globe, 212 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,520 which is, "How a Missouri maid lost her hair at the seashore." Wow! 213 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,320 I know. And she had it made into a wig. 214 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,120 I suppose this is a sort of travel version. 215 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:48,800 I could take that on my holidays for when I'm drying my butt hair. 216 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,120 Laura, what have you got? 217 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,640 A girthy hairbrush. 218 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,360 Dirty? Girthy. 219 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,520 It's actually mine, OK? Oh! And I thought you said dirty, 220 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,840 and I was very upset. 221 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,360 It's for my butt hair. And... 222 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,040 APPLAUSE 223 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,600 If you turn the end, you'll find out why 224 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,800 it's a rather fine thing to have in your dressing room. 225 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,440 Full of gin. It is a hairbrush with a flask. 226 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:24,400 Well! But in the old days, you might have put hot water 227 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,360 into such a brush. So this is what they looked like. 228 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,280 It's kind of like a heated brush. 229 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,240 It is exactly like a heated brush. 230 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,000 So we're talking 1880s, people used stoneware bottles 231 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,360 in order to dry their hair. 232 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,040 So fill them with boiling water and then brush it through your hair. 233 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,840 It was meant to dry it in a few minutes. 234 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,920 It was known as the Thermicon, 235 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:45,400 made by a company called Hincks & Co, used until the 1920s, 236 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,480 I mean, pretty much until the first electric hand-held hair dryers. 237 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,880 Right, Alan, what have you got? 238 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,480 Well, I seem to have a toaster. 239 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,840 Yeah. I don't really know if... 240 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,320 You know, don't try this at home. 241 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,320 No, absolutely. Do not try this at home. 242 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,800 Put your soaking wet hair in there, do you? 243 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,280 I mean... Is that what you're hoping for me to try out? 244 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,440 So, definitely nobody should try this, 245 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:14,600 but in the Popular Mechanics Handbook For Women, in 1928, 246 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:18,560 there were instructions, which is up at the top left there, 247 00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:23,320 on how to make a hairdryer using a vacuum cleaner and a toaster. 248 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:26,920 Oh, God! Right, so what you do is you put the toaster in a wooden box, 249 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,760 but you obviously want the wooden box to be safe, 250 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,680 so you line it with asbestos. Oh, right. 251 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:38,040 Great. You just saw that asbestos up. 252 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,480 Yes, just a bit of asbestos. Saw it up. Right. 253 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:44,040 It's in the bottom drawer. Yeah. "Where's the asbestos?!" 254 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,360 Take the dust bag off your vacuum cleaner, 255 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,640 so that it blew the air into the box instead, 256 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,240 and the toaster heated the air, 257 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,880 which passed through a tube which was aimed at your head. 258 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,920 Wow. Anyway, the book claimed that it was simple but effective. 259 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,440 Simple but lethal. Absolutely. 260 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,960 Anyway, asbestos was often used as insulation, 261 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:06,240 so my very first job ever was doing... As insulation. 262 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,440 Bottom of a door. 263 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,920 APPLAUSE 264 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,680 I used to work the follow-spots, what they call the limelights, 265 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:23,640 at the Palace Theatre, and the particular kind of limelights 266 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,840 that we worked were called carbon arcs, 267 00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,520 and you had to feed two pieces of carbon together, and it was very hot 268 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,680 and very dangerous, so to protect us, we wore asbestos gloves. 269 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,840 My mum tells the story of when they were living in a flat in Glasgow 270 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,920 when she was younger, they got a new cooker put in 271 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,960 that her dad plumbed in, and to make sure it was safe, 272 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,240 he just bought some asbestos, sawed it up, 273 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,760 and then just fitted it around the cooker to make sure 274 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:48,160 it didn't go on fire, so that wouldn't have been odd for people. 275 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:51,120 We had asbestos mats for Bunsen burners in school and stuff, 276 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,800 didn't we? Did you? Yeah. 277 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:57,560 We've put one on your chair... Just for safety! 278 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:01,200 Who employed five men for four months of grinding, 279 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,160 followed by four months of rubbing... 280 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,320 ..and what did they discover? 281 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:09,680 That's how I met Alan. 282 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:16,400 So this is about xesturgy, which is an old word for polishing. 283 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:20,120 Right. OK? So we are talking about telescopes. 284 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,160 Why telescopes, do you think, with polishing? 285 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:26,080 Getting the lenses the right shape and concave or convex? 286 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,240 Yeah. So you want to make the mirrors, you want to make them 287 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,720 as polished as you possibly can, because any imperfection 288 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:34,280 in the mirror is going to affect... You might think it's a planet. Yeah. 289 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,200 "You won't believe what I've discovered! 290 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,640 "Oh, shit!" It turns out it was lint. 291 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:43,600 So, in 1785, the German-British astronomer William Herschel, 292 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:47,400 he began work on his 40-foot telescope, 293 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,320 and according to the expenses that he filed with King George III, 294 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,720 who had financed the whole project, 295 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,640 in order to make the mirrors shiny enough, 296 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,560 he had a team of half a dozen men grinding the metal for three 297 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,560 to four months and then rubbing it for another three to four months. 298 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,360 And once it was functional, it required 12 men 299 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,040 for six weeks, once a year, to keep it going. 300 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,320 It was so large that, during the construction, the King 301 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:11,680 and the Archbishop of Canterbury were able to walk inside the tube, 302 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:15,280 and it remained the largest telescope in the world for 50 years. 303 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,680 Whoa! I mean, it's an astonishing piece of work. 304 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:22,880 And his sister Caroline was paid £50 a year as William's assistant, 305 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:27,200 and that makes her the very first female professional astronomer 306 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,400 in history. There's a fabulous museum in their house. 307 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,440 I've been to it, and it's actually very focused on his sister, 308 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,200 rather than him. So it's a very fascinating museum. 309 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,680 Yeah. It's in Bath. 310 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:40,600 Five months of rubbing and grinding in the bath. Yeah. 311 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,280 What did they discover, is the question. 312 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,080 Well, so she discovered eight comets, numerous nebulae. 313 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:48,000 She catalogued more than 500 stars that were missing from star charts 314 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,960 at the time. And she was the very first woman, so 1828, 315 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:54,640 to be awarded the gold medal at the Royal Astronomical Society. 316 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,400 And it would be another 168 years 317 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,440 until another woman received the medal. 318 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:02,040 Which part of a full English breakfast is good for xesturgy? 319 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,720 Oh. Oh. 320 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:07,280 Black pudding? Why? I don't know, just my favourite bit. 321 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,760 Oh, OK. The question wasn't "What's your favourite bit?" 322 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,760 Tomato ketchup. Yes! Why? 323 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,840 Because of the acid in it. Yeah. 324 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:18,800 And it'll buff up nicely. 325 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,280 I've done a couple of sideboards in ketchup. 326 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,360 So it's the right answer, but for the wrong reason. 327 00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:28,520 Right, OK. So one of the ways in which you polish glass 328 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:31,960 is by rubbing it with liquids that contain small rough particles, OK? 329 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,560 And you begin with a thick substance 330 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,480 because that holds all the sort of abrasives in place. 331 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:39,400 But then after a bit, you want a thinner liquid because it makes 332 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,400 the rubbing less harsh and you get a smoother finish. 333 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,120 Ketchup is the perfect liquid to use, 334 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:48,160 because the more you jiggle it, the thinner it gets. 335 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,600 LAUGHTER 336 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,120 Behave yourselves...! 337 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,560 Don't you be doing your own jokes! 338 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,240 It's called a non-Newtonian fluid. 339 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,680 Does anybody know why non-Newtonian? 340 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,120 Because the more you jiggle it, the thinner it gets? 341 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:06,400 So Newton's law of viscosity, which was a fluid's resistance to flow, 342 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,960 so if you imagine pouring water, right, 343 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:11,120 its thickness doesn't change and the flow is exactly the same. 344 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:15,240 And normal fluids, it stays exactly the same. 345 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:19,200 But some are non-Newtonian, and they change. 346 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,440 So ketchup becomes runnier when it shakes. 347 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,800 That's why we, you know, we do that or we tap it. 348 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,240 What's happening, do you think, 349 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:27,480 that it starts off very thick and then it gets runnier? 350 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,120 The molecules are working faster and moving. 351 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,080 Separating a little bit. 352 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:37,280 This is the international gesture for "separating a little bit". 353 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,000 I mean, that is exactly right. 354 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,240 Whoa! 355 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,440 So the entangled tomato fibres break apart 356 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,800 when they're subjected to stress. 357 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,160 So it's absolutely perfect for polishing something. 358 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,160 Very, very nice on your chips as well. 359 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:57,760 It is very nice on your chips as well. 360 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,920 It's very disappointing when you've got a delicious, let's say, 361 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:04,360 bangers and mash and you think, "I'm just going to get my ketchup on," 362 00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,360 and then it goes "pfft" at the end. 363 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,360 A wee of ketchup comes out. 364 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:13,680 You take the whole plate and throw it against the wall. 365 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,440 Fire your arse flame. 366 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,200 Well, while we're in that part of the body, 367 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,960 do you think you can polish a turd? 368 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,520 Yes. Not every turd. Yes, you think so? 369 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:34,040 I think... Well, erm, I'm sure fossilised turds could be. 370 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,480 So that's, technically, it's called a coprolite. 371 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:37,960 And I think the minute you find a coprolite, 372 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,360 I don't think the first thing you're going to do is to try and polish it. 373 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:43,800 But that wasn't the question, if I may be so bold, Sandi. 374 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:47,040 Yes. Sorry. Hold me to it, Calman. 375 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:51,040 The question was not "WOULD you polish a turd?" 376 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,600 The question was, "COULD you polish a turd?" 377 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,000 APPLAUSE 378 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,640 And my answer was... Thank you very much. 379 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,240 A lot of years at law school. 380 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:08,200 Lawyer to lawyer, I think you understand the distinction. 381 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,440 I forgot that we were both lawyers at one time. 382 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:14,240 Yes. In 2008, the presenters of an American popular science show 383 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:18,080 called MythBusters successfully polished some lion scat 384 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:21,520 and ostrich droppings to a really high gloss. 385 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,160 And the method they use is called hikaru dorodango, 386 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,600 literally "shining mud dumpling". 387 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,760 It's very popular among Japanese children. 388 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,520 So what they do is they take a handful of mud 389 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,640 and they mould it into a sphere, 390 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,120 and then they let it dry, and then they begin to rub it, 391 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,600 and then they add another layer of dirt, 392 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,240 and then they repeat the process, and eventually you get this. 393 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,880 This is one, and it is a perfectly shiny ball. 394 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,800 It's actually rather beautiful. Look. Is it a turd? 395 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,040 It's actually mud. It's beautiful. It's rather lovely, isn't it? 396 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,920 But I think it'd be hilarious to have some arranged on a table, 397 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,240 and it's just shit. 398 00:20:56,240 --> 00:21:00,360 Yeah, like POO pourri. Oh! 399 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:04,040 APPLAUSE 400 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,760 I don't understand the squeamishness regarding that. 401 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:15,240 I have six cats, six litter trays, I'm dealing with poo all the time. 402 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:19,320 Right. Sometimes they do really good ones. 403 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,080 "Oh, that was a lovely one, Velma." 404 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:27,280 And I'd be very happy to make a piece of jewellery out of... 405 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,280 Seriously? You stand there with the cats and go, "Oh, well done"? 406 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:34,240 Yeah. You stand there and you go, "Oh, that was a really great one." 407 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,160 And they go, "Thank you," and they run off. 408 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:40,440 I've got a dog, and when I look at my dog's poo, 409 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,120 I go, "Oh, that's where that went." 410 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,800 Anyway, there's the rub. 411 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:52,880 What would a Roman do with one of these? 412 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,000 That's for cleaning your bum. 413 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,480 OK, that's what we think. Mm. 414 00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,280 So it's called a xylospongium. 415 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,480 Literally a wooden stick with a sea sponge on the end. 416 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,400 Is it for cleaning someone else's bum? 417 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,080 Well, the fact is we don't really know, 418 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:10,200 because, weirdly, they didn't write it down. 419 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,720 "How I cleaned my bum." Yes. 420 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,600 "Maximus Shittimus." 421 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,840 It's often said it was for wiping bottoms, 422 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,400 but the fact is we don't really know. 423 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,960 So even if it was kept in a bucket of, I don't know, vinegar, 424 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,440 for example, between uses, this seems an extremely... 425 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,040 Well, you wouldn't... You wouldn't... Share it? 426 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,520 I just glitched! 427 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:39,400 Put it in vinegar and then put it near your bum! 428 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,560 Vinegar's not flammable, so I think you'll be fine. 429 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,400 So the thing is, we don't know, right? It would be a very good way 430 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,280 to spread disease if all of us used the same one. 431 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,040 Oh, I think you'd have your own, I would hope. 432 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,920 You'd have a guest stick, wouldn't you? 433 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,560 The chances are it was used as a toilet brush, 434 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,800 much like we use a toilet brush today. 435 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,040 And no complete xylospongiums exist. 436 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,640 The only physical evidence we have, there's an inscription 437 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,200 in a public toilet in Ostia, which is just south of Rome. 438 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:11,840 It says, "Utaris xylospongio," which means, "Use the shit sponge." 439 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,000 "Please use this shit sponge." 440 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,120 Don't you think you're much more likely to have a sign that says 441 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,760 "Use the toilet brush" than "Use toilet paper"? 442 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,760 Yeah. Right, so it seems more likely 443 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,920 that it was used for cleaning the toilet. 444 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,240 And we just don't know. But it's a funny thing. 445 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,120 So even though this has not been used, and we made it, 446 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:29,560 and it's just a stick with a sponge, 447 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:31,400 there's a bit kind of icky thing, isn't there? 448 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,480 So if, for example, I bought a brand-new toilet brush, 449 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,360 the kind that we all might use, 450 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,280 and it has still got the plastic wrapping on it, 451 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,480 if I take the plastic wrapping off, if I then use it to stir the soup, 452 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,680 do you want to eat the soup? 453 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,280 What kind of soup is it? Before I... 454 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:53,320 So if they didn't use a sponge, how did Romans wipe their bottoms? 455 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:56,280 Shells. A boy? 456 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:00,600 "You, lad!" 457 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,080 "You, boy!" 458 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,800 Vegetation? So, heading in the right direction. 459 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,680 Leaves and moss. But also you said shells, 460 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:14,080 but they used pottery shards... Ooh! 461 00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:17,280 ..known as ostraka, which were sort of relatively smooth on one side. 462 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:18,920 They were plentiful and disposable and so on, 463 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:22,280 and you find a lot of those around ancient Roman latrines. 464 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:25,120 There is a mention of a sponge on a stick in the Bible. 465 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:29,560 Jesus is offered a drink of sour wine when he is on the cross, 466 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:33,200 and some argue that it was actually a xylospongium. 467 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,040 So it's even more offensive. 468 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,880 Oh! It's more humiliation surrounding the execution. 469 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:40,160 Anyway, that sponge stick is now a relic, 470 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:42,280 so it's called the Holy Sponge, obviously. 471 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:43,880 The Holy Sponge. And in the 13th century, 472 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:46,040 it was purchased by Louis IX of France. 473 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:47,480 And then during the French Revolution, 474 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:49,360 it was split into pieces and sent to lots of 475 00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,720 different chapels in Italy. 476 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,760 I just love a relic, and there's a fantastic one, 477 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:56,400 which I recommend to everybody. It's Santa Croce in Gerusalemme 478 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,400 in Rome. It's got three pieces of the True Cross. 479 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:00,920 It's got one of its nails, 480 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,240 two thorns from Christ's Crown of Thorns, 481 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,280 one of the silver pieces paid to Judas, 482 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:09,600 the crossbar from the good thief's cross, and St Thomas's finger. 483 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,040 Wow! Yeah. Wouldn't you travel to see that? 484 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:16,440 Yeah. Walter Scott's house that's in the Borders, 485 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,720 and it's called something. Been there. 486 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,440 This is the menopause. We don't know where we are. 487 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:26,000 I've just popped out for some milk. The other day... 488 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:30,440 ..I said to my wife, "The problem is," 489 00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,840 and when I turned round, I forgot the problem. 490 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,960 I still don't know what the problem was. 491 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:41,000 Gone. Gone. It's gone. So what I'm saying is... 492 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,120 But that's nice that the problem was solved so quickly. 493 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,800 What I'm saying is that Sir Walter Scott's 494 00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:53,280 got a lovely house in the Borders of Scotland that I've been to. 495 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:57,920 Mm-hm. And in it, he collected relics. 496 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:02,360 OK. So in the library, he's got lots of little bizarre 497 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:05,040 kind of the hair of someone and this and that. 498 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:08,360 Love that. Because he would travel around collecting lots of things. 499 00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:12,040 And if you look it up, it's a really great place to go, 500 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:16,800 if you can remember where... It's in the Borders of Scotland. 501 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,120 It's called Abbotsford. 502 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:22,840 Abbotsford! I'm so sorry. I don't know how I've even got here! No. 503 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:26,560 I'm worried that there's a problem and none of us know what it is. 504 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:29,640 I think women get to a certain age 505 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:32,080 and conversations just become word association. 506 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,920 You said relics. She went "Walter Scott," like that. 507 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:37,480 Yeah. Menopausal woman having a conversation is like this. 508 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:39,400 "I watched a film last night." "Did you? Who was in it?" 509 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:41,600 "It was a man, you know the man with the face. 510 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,360 "The man with the face and the hair. 511 00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:44,760 "He was in that film with the woman. 512 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:46,760 "The woman who's got the hair and the face as well. 513 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:48,400 "Remember, we were out the other day with Cathy. 514 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,440 "It's not Cathy. No, it's Catrin. 515 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,960 "We were somewhere with Catherine or Catrin or Karen. 516 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,360 "And they said to me, 'I like the man with the face and the hair 517 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:59,440 "'and the what...' Who ordered the lasagne?!" That is what... 518 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:00,960 That's what it is. 519 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,560 APPLAUSE 520 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,240 Apart from sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, 521 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:13,960 irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, 522 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,240 what have the Romans ever done for us? 523 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,760 Well, they may also have invented the bog brush. 524 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:20,400 There we go. 525 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:25,040 Name an item found in your bathroom that can keep your borehole clean. 526 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:26,320 Oh, dear God. 527 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:30,960 Is it a bath mat, when you're caught short? 528 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,680 It's possible I live in a very different kind of world. 529 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:43,080 Is it where the waste pipe goes down? 530 00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:45,400 It's not necessarily connected to the bathroom, the borehole. 531 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,480 It could be a borehole anywhere, anywhere that you are drilling. 532 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:50,640 But it's something that we use in the bathroom, 533 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:52,800 and it is used in drilling. 534 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:56,240 Does anybody know what the name is for the little blob of toothpaste 535 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,880 that you put on your toothbrush, hopefully on a daily basis? 536 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,240 Simon. 537 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,680 The correct name is a nurdle. Isn't that sweet? 538 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:10,960 Oh, shut up! Yeah. And the thing that makes it hold its shape nicely 539 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:14,800 is something called xanthan gum. It's a thickening agent. 540 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,600 It enables the nurdle to keep its shape. 541 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:20,360 It's also thixotropic, OK? That means it gets thinner 542 00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:23,720 when you add force to it because it is a... 543 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:25,400 Non-Newtonian thing. 544 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,160 Yes! 545 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:32,440 I'm so proud! 546 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,480 So, mining companies, they drill boreholes, right? 547 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:38,760 And they use the same stuff. 548 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,000 They pump it into the hole while they're drilling, 549 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,480 so the substance stays nice and fluid. 550 00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:46,960 When the drilling stops and the mud thickens, it holds the loose rock 551 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:50,160 in a sort of gel that they can then easily remove. 552 00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:51,520 So it's the same stuff as in toothpaste. 553 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:52,880 It's clever, isn't it? Oh. 554 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,600 It's also in food - fruit juices, gravy, salad dressings, 555 00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:56,800 ice cream, all kinds of things. 556 00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:59,520 Anything where you want a sort of thicker mouthfeel, 557 00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:01,240 you'll have xanthan gum in it, 558 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:04,320 but don't eat too much because it binds the digestive tract. 559 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,920 It makes your poo swell up. Yeah, but then it's easier to polish. 560 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:11,800 If you're allergic to cabbage or cauliflower or broccoli 561 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:13,400 or any of those... I am! 562 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:15,680 Well, then you should avoid xanthan entirely 563 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:18,600 because it's made by bacteria that lives on those plants. 564 00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:20,360 Because I had that food intolerance test, 565 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,360 and they said I was intolerant to cabbage. 566 00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:26,720 And I thought, "I like cabbage." Right. 567 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:28,520 So I've just continued. Yeah. 568 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:30,920 Well, what a good job you had the test done. 569 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:40,600 It's like somebody saying, "You're an alcoholic." 570 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,480 "Well, I'll drink to that!" 571 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:45,440 The point was, 572 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:51,360 it's then I've taken control and I've made the decision... 573 00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:54,400 To eat cabbage. ..to eat cabbage. So I just... 574 00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:58,000 Cabbage. Yeah. Should I not eat the cabbage? 575 00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:00,960 I feel you're not one to be advised about anything. 576 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:04,760 You sort of took your food intolerance test 577 00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:07,400 as a sort of challenge. Can I be really honest with you? 578 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:10,520 It was a bit of a laugh because we didn't have anything to do. 579 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:12,120 It was Sunday... 580 00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:16,280 ..and we saw a sign... 581 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:22,520 THROUGH LAUGHTER: .."Are you intolerant of any food?" 582 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:26,120 And we thought, "Let's see." 583 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:30,800 And the guy said, "Cabbage." 584 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:35,360 I think I'd just rather have wind and enjoy myself. 585 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:38,280 Yeah. Blow-dry my own hair. 586 00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:44,280 Your whole story about coming in from a restaurant, 587 00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:46,400 taking your trousers off and lying down, 588 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,320 still smelling the food, all makes a lot more sense now. 589 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:53,800 Sometimes, I just lie on the sofa, no trousers, 590 00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:56,120 and I think, "This was worth it." 591 00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:58,840 What food is worth it that it hurts like that? 592 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:00,440 Chicken tikka masala. 593 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:04,560 It's quite a specific thing, 594 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,480 going for a food intolerance test and they go, 595 00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:08,240 "Cabbage and chicken tikka masala." 596 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:15,000 Anyway, moving on. What problems might a monkey cause at a barbecue? 597 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,040 Not cooking the sausages all the way through. 598 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:21,040 So there's an old word for charcoal, xylanthrax, 599 00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:24,640 so from the Greek "xylo" for wood, and "anthrax," coal. 600 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:28,280 So I love this story. 1990s, we are in Zanzibar. 601 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,680 The red colobus monkey, so towards the east coast of Africa, 602 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:33,640 they started eating charcoal. 603 00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:35,640 Mm. Right? And nobody knew why. 604 00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:41,600 It's not nutritious. So the thing about charcoal is it adsorbs toxins. 605 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:45,360 OK? Does anybody know the difference between adsorb and absorb? 606 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,800 Yes, B and D. 607 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,320 APPLAUSE 608 00:31:57,240 --> 00:31:59,920 So, absorb is when something soaks something up, 609 00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:05,000 and adsorb means it sticks to the surface of a substance. 610 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,600 Yes. So eating a little charcoal every single day 611 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:09,400 made it much easier for the monkeys to eat foods 612 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:13,760 like almond and mango leaves, because they both contain cyanide, 613 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:17,920 and the charcoal would adsorb the cyanide. 614 00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:21,240 And since charcoal doesn't occur naturally in Zanzibar, 615 00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:24,480 the monkeys got their supplies by stealing from fireplaces, 616 00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:26,840 and it is now a permanent part of their diet. 617 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:30,440 Within a decade of the first monkeys deciding to eat charcoal, 618 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:33,800 there was a baby boom, and the population density increased 619 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:37,760 from about 50 per square kilometre to 550. 620 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:40,560 Wow! I know. The densest population of any monkey 621 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:45,440 or ape at the time. So, why would humans eat charcoal? 622 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:49,000 Because it adsorbs the toxins. 623 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:52,400 LAUGHTER 624 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:55,560 So it's a common treatment for flatulence. Oh, OK. 625 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:57,560 ALAN: Oh, is it? That'd be good. I need that. 626 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:03,800 One of the problems with taking it is that it can adsorb medications, 627 00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:06,520 so it could adsorb your birth control, for example, 628 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,160 or your iron supplements, or whatever. 629 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:11,320 So charcoal is also found in some deodorants, 630 00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:17,560 but who has the most skilful armpits in the world? 631 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:20,240 Musical instrument? No. Well... 632 00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:21,680 ZOE IMITATES BAGPIPES 633 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:23,480 It's when you've forgotten your bagpipes. 634 00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:26,880 Not a human armpit, is it? 635 00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:28,840 It isn't, darling, at all. Right, OK. 636 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,040 It's something called the charcoal beetle, all right? 637 00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:35,800 Ah! So, charcoal beetles mate in forest fires, 638 00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:38,000 which is not a time you think that they would want to do it. 639 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,640 They mate in...? Forest fires. 640 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:41,360 They wait for the time when there's a fire...? 641 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:43,000 Yes. Hot date! Yeah. 642 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:46,320 Woo! 643 00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:51,040 And they lay their eggs in the bark of a burning tree. 644 00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:53,160 And it's to take advantage of the fact that, obviously, 645 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:55,080 the predators have... Burned to death. Well... 646 00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:59,000 ..they've run away from the conflagration. 647 00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:02,760 So this is just sort of mind-blowing that this even exists. 648 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,120 The armpits of the charcoal beetle... 649 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:06,520 So it's not exactly an armpit. 650 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:08,880 It's the area behind the second pair of legs, right? 651 00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:13,720 ..can sense fires burning from 130km away. Wow! 652 00:34:13,720 --> 00:34:17,000 So that is the equivalent of somebody in London 653 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,000 detecting a fire in Swindon. 654 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:20,760 Right. It's astonishing. 655 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:27,200 Because they can't mate or lay their eggs unless there's a fire, right? 656 00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:31,480 Right. So these armpits contain dozens of tiny water pockets, 657 00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:35,120 which expand when they are heated, and they push against a receptor. 658 00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:37,920 And the difference in how much the water expands 659 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:40,520 on one side of the body compared to the other side of the body 660 00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:43,880 tells them the direction of the flames. 661 00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:45,880 So if a beetle senses a fire, 662 00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:48,560 it flies towards it with its middle legs in the air 663 00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:50,840 to better expose its armpits to the heat. 664 00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:53,920 And what I love about this is - it's a phenomenal thing - 665 00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:58,200 charcoal beetles regularly swarmed at 1940s American football games. 666 00:34:58,200 --> 00:34:59,920 Why do you think that was? 667 00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:03,280 Because of the grills? Barbecues outside in the car park? 668 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:04,640 Just cigarette smoke. 669 00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:07,240 Oh, cigarettes. Oh! Yeah. Just spectators' cigarettes. 670 00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:09,840 And it can be a problem. So, firefighters in California 671 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:13,280 often wear bee veils to protect themselves, because the beetles 672 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:15,680 can be very territorial, and they start to bite. 673 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:17,960 That's astonishing. Don't you think it's incredible? 674 00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:20,880 That's astonishing. 130km and they're going, 675 00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:23,600 "Oh, no. Left a bit. Right a bit." Just using their armpits. 676 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:25,320 It's absolutely astonishing. Yeah. 677 00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,040 They should Sellotape one of those to the front of a fire engine. 678 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:32,760 Keep a few in the cab. 679 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:35,760 "Where is it?" 680 00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:40,440 Right, let's crank up the heat 681 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,400 and run over the coals of general ignorance. 682 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:45,440 Things are about to get spicy. Have a look under your desks. 683 00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:47,160 You should each have a jar. 684 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:48,680 Can you tell me what's in it? 685 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:49,880 This thing here? 686 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:53,520 Smells like cinnamon. Cinnamon. 687 00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:55,440 KLAXON 688 00:35:58,960 --> 00:36:00,040 Don't know who said it first. 689 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:01,320 It was... 690 00:36:01,320 --> 00:36:02,640 Did you just point?! 691 00:36:06,240 --> 00:36:07,920 Snitches get stitches, love! 692 00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:12,240 Don't mess with a Glaswegian lawyer. No, I know. 693 00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:15,040 So, when you buy cinnamon in the supermarket, 694 00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:19,320 you're actually getting something called cassia or bastard cinnamon. 695 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,440 Bastard cinnamon! It's made from the Chinese cassia tree. 696 00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:24,160 It's the powder made from the bark. 697 00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:26,720 It's about ten times cheaper than true cinnamon. 698 00:36:26,720 --> 00:36:30,400 In the United States, it's perfectly legal to sell cassia 699 00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:32,040 and label it as cinnamon. 700 00:36:32,040 --> 00:36:35,640 In Britain, it should state that it is cassia bark. 701 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:38,760 True cinnamon comes from cinnamon trees, so grown in Sri Lanka 702 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:41,120 and southern India and so on. The thing about cassia is 703 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:42,760 it can make you ill if you eat too much of it. 704 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:45,960 It's got a toxin called coumarin, which can cause liver damage, 705 00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:47,600 so you really mustn't have too much. 706 00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:50,080 But you also have a little treat under the desk. 707 00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:54,240 There should be some cinnamon buns. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! 708 00:36:54,240 --> 00:36:58,480 Two cinnamon buns made with cassia counts as coumarin poisoning, OK? 709 00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:01,000 LAUGHTER 710 00:37:03,080 --> 00:37:07,680 But these are Danish, and so they're made with real cinnamon. 711 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:10,280 The fact is, even with cassia, you could probably eat 20 cinnamon buns 712 00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:11,800 and not really do yourself any damage. 713 00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:13,800 I could easily eat 20 cinnamon buns. 714 00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:16,960 They're nice, aren't they? This is a lovely night out. 715 00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:21,520 I've worn a hat... 716 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:25,920 ..I'm having a bun... 717 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,080 Are you going to undo your trousers? 718 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:35,400 The best Danish pastries don't contain any bastard cinnamon. 719 00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:40,320 Which of these bottles leaves the most microplastics in your drink? 720 00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:43,520 So we've got a glass one on the left and a plastic one on the right. 721 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:46,440 We're looking for the most microplastics. What do we think? 722 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:48,040 I think it's the plastic bottle. 723 00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:49,840 KLAXON 724 00:37:52,240 --> 00:37:53,720 I felt bad about the cinnamon thing. 725 00:37:53,720 --> 00:37:55,520 Yeah. That's nice. Take one for the team. 726 00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,240 ALAN: Was there no difference? 727 00:37:57,240 --> 00:37:59,040 No, there's quite a difference. 728 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:03,000 So the glass bottle probably contains 5-50 times 729 00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:06,720 more microplastics than the plastic bottle, 730 00:38:06,720 --> 00:38:09,080 and that is just not what I would have thought. 731 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,760 So it was researchers at France's food safety agency in 2025, 732 00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:14,840 they did a study. So the culprit for the glass bottle 733 00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:18,840 is the polyester-based paint on the cap, OK? 734 00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:21,760 And it seems that paint scratches and flakes, 735 00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:25,400 when they're stored together, get into the bottle. 736 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:27,680 So researchers at the University of New Mexico have found 737 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:32,680 that our brains now contain up to 10g of microplastics, 738 00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:36,400 which is enough to make a plastic spoon. That's in our brains. 739 00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:38,760 In our...? Yeah. What...? 740 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:41,920 Susan's got a whole cutlery set! 741 00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:47,000 APPLAUSE 742 00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:50,080 Last year, I spent three months building a Lego Titanic. 743 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:54,160 9,854 pieces. Wow! 744 00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:56,160 And you put it in the bath and it sank? 745 00:38:58,240 --> 00:39:00,320 You build the whole inside of it, and the engine room, 746 00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:02,080 and all the swimming pool and everything, 747 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:04,040 and then you close it all up, so no-one knows, apart from me, 748 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:05,400 how long it took me to do it. 749 00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:09,880 And I've got a little Lego version of myself that I've put at the top. 750 00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:11,960 Are you at the front, going...? 751 00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:13,440 Yes, of course I am! 752 00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:18,000 There are organisms evolving to eat plastic, 753 00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:21,400 so there is something called the zophobas atratus beetles. 754 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:23,600 They're known as superworms, 755 00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:26,280 and they can survive on a diet of Styrofoam. 756 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:29,040 It doesn't seem to harm them in any way at all. 757 00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:33,080 Erm, what are the measurements that are beside...? 758 00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:34,480 That's the size of it, darling. 759 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,480 Yes, but... 5'6"? 760 00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:38,360 Oh, I see. I don't think so. 761 00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:42,040 So we were imagining that it was a line-up in a police station. 762 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:43,680 Where's Susan on the...? 763 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:47,680 Yeah. Because I thought, "Is that a six-foot beetle?" 764 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:51,400 No, that's just meant to be mildly amusing. Oh! 765 00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:55,360 But instead, it's alarming. 766 00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:59,120 I'm the size of the fourth from the left 767 00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:02,360 because I'm just under five foot tall. 768 00:40:02,360 --> 00:40:06,080 Oh, you're UNDER five foot? Yes, I'm four foot ten. 769 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:07,520 Oh. 770 00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:09,440 LAUGHTER 771 00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:15,200 What are you? Five foot, thank you. 772 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,600 Are you shit five foot! 773 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:26,200 You're not five foot! Well, I used to be. Er... 774 00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:29,560 Anyway, one of these beetles can now eat plastic. 775 00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:32,600 And the weird thing about it is it's turning their faeces white. 776 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:36,000 Oh, like 1970s dog poo. 777 00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,800 It is like 1970s... Do you know why we don't see that anymore? 778 00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:40,120 LAURA: People pick it up. 779 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:46,320 Was it not the, erm, chalk put in dog food? 780 00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:49,360 Yeah, so cheaper dog food had bonemeal and calcium in it, 781 00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:52,120 and it ended up in the faeces and then the sun would dry it, 782 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:53,680 and they didn't have a solana. 783 00:40:53,680 --> 00:40:55,120 I actually saw some the other day. 784 00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:58,000 What, white dog poo? Yeah. Wow! How retro! 785 00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:01,120 Yeah. Everything comes back, doesn't it? 786 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,600 Flares, mullets, white dog poo. 787 00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:05,040 It was in a vintage shop. 788 00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:09,440 Was somebody polishing it? 789 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:12,600 I was walking my dog and saw it, and I was like, "Whoa!" 790 00:41:14,600 --> 00:41:16,400 You two have the best outings. 791 00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:22,720 To keep your skin looking healthy, what should you consume plenty of? 792 00:41:22,720 --> 00:41:24,680 ALL EXCLAIM 793 00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:26,360 Olive oil. They keep telling me, 794 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,880 some algorithm keeps telling me to drink olive oil. 795 00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:32,040 Have you done it? No. It looks like too much for me. 796 00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:34,360 I went to... Oh, shut up! 797 00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:36,960 Oh! I went to... Go on, you can do it. Go on. 798 00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:42,680 When I was in Crete, I drank olive oil, and it was... 799 00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:45,160 SUSAN LAUGHS 800 00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:48,200 When I went to Wales, I had engine oil, and it... 801 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:55,480 But I start first time, every time. 802 00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:00,080 So, people often say that drinking more water 803 00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:02,360 is one of the ways to give you clearer skin. 804 00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:05,000 I have to say, it's not strictly true. What you actually need 805 00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:06,960 to keep your skin cells healthy are the vitamins. 806 00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:10,280 So, A, B, C, D, E, and so on. And none of that is found in water. 807 00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:13,680 It's in fruit and in vegetables. Look how happy they are! 808 00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:15,040 They are! 809 00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:19,560 We could do that. Us, all gals, could get together after the show, 810 00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:21,560 we could all hold up a bit of fruit. 811 00:42:24,240 --> 00:42:26,800 So, how much water should you drink in a day, do you think? 812 00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:28,160 Two litres. 813 00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:29,760 KLAXON 814 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:34,400 Absolutely fell into that one. Well, I mean, it's fair that you said it 815 00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:35,880 because it is a standard recommendation. 816 00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:38,280 It's about eight glasses a day, which is about two litres. 817 00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:42,240 Most of us need less than that. About 1.5 to 1.8 litres. 818 00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:44,280 And actually, we get it from the food that we eat. 819 00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:47,240 Oh, God. I thought you were going to say the wine that we drink. 820 00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:53,560 But also, it depends, Zoe. It depends on the climate, doesn't it? 821 00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:56,120 How athletic you are, whether you're pregnant or breast-feeding 822 00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:58,160 or any of those things. Not at the moment. 823 00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:04,320 All of which brings us to the befuddling finale of the scores. 824 00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:08,920 In first place, razor-sharp, with 4 whole points, 825 00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,480 this is a rarity - it's Alan! 826 00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:14,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 827 00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:20,400 In second place, with -8, it's Susan. 828 00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:23,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! Come on. 829 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:27,600 Third place, a bit of a damp squib, with -10, Laura. 830 00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:31,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 831 00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:35,520 Last place, hung out to dry, with -17, Zoe. 832 00:43:35,520 --> 00:43:38,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 833 00:43:43,600 --> 00:43:45,800 My thanks to Laura, Susan, Zoe and Alan. 834 00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:47,840 And for the materialists in our audience, 835 00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:50,520 a piece of advice from the cartoonist Kin Hubbard. 836 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,840 "The safest way to double your money 837 00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:55,440 "is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket." 838 00:43:55,440 --> 00:43:57,160 Thank you, and goodnight. 839 00:43:57,160 --> 00:44:01,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE