1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,040 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:26,400 APPLAUSE 3 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,360 CHEERING AND WHISTLING 4 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,880 Good evening. Merry Christmas and welcome to QI, 5 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,680 where we are walking in a winter wonderland. 6 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,200 Let's meet our windswept wanderers. 7 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:44,800 Driving home for Christmas, it's Julian Clary. 8 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 9 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,920 Dashing through the snow, it's Fatiha El-Ghorri. 10 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:54,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,320 Jingling all the way, it's Jimmy Carr. 12 00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:58,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 13 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:00,760 Jingling! 14 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:03,680 And the reindeer in the headlights, it's Alan Davies. 15 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 16 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,760 Let's hear their wintry buzzers. 17 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:13,520 Julian goes... 18 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:18,960 Fatiha goes... 19 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,840 I was ready for a bit more, I thought. 20 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:25,720 That's a bit tight. It's Christmas. Hello? 21 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:26,760 Yeah. 22 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:28,160 Jimmy goes... 23 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:34,240 And Alan goes... 24 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,920 Right. Let's start by looking under your desks. 25 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:46,440 I have some Christmas presents for you all. 26 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,120 Uh, Sandi? Yes. What? 27 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,880 Each year... Yeah? ..you give us presents. 28 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:55,080 I do, yeah. And this year, I have a present for you. 29 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:56,120 Oh, OK. 30 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,680 Applause, please. 31 00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 32 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:06,400 This is from all of us. OK. 33 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,680 And who...who wrapped it? 34 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:10,880 Don't worry about the wrapping. 35 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,680 The wrapping is fine. Right. 36 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,120 Why am I likely to be delighted by this gift 37 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:17,360 exactly the way it's been presented? 38 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,640 That looks like a child has wrapped it. 39 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,440 And so it may be from... 40 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,800 LAUGHTER 41 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:25,960 ..from the heart. 42 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,800 Yeah. I never want to get a present 43 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,960 where I have to get an implement to open it. 44 00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,120 Yeah, if you've got to get scissors out. 45 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,160 If you've got to get a penknife or something to get into it, 46 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:34,640 I don't like that. 47 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:35,880 This is better. 48 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,440 You could actually probably blow on it and it would open. 49 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:39,960 I think you're probably right. 50 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,240 So there was an American writer called Drucella Lowrie, 51 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,800 and she wrote a book called The Art Of Wrapping Gifts, right? 52 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,120 And she said that a sloppily wrapped package indicates poor taste 53 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:50,920 and indifference or lack of skill. 54 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:54,400 But there was a study done in 2019, at the University of Nevada, 55 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,760 and they found the opposite. 56 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,680 People actually react rather better to a poorly wrapped present 57 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:02,440 because they have a much lower expectation of what's inside. 58 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,000 LAUGHTER 59 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,440 I don't like getting gifts. Do you not? Why? No, 60 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:10,360 because people then expect gratitude and I rarely feel any. 61 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:13,920 Keep your gift. 62 00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:16,160 Do you prefer to give or receive? Give. 63 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,920 Can we just clip that and put it on TikTok? 64 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,360 I'm going to see what it is, and... 65 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:24,440 Did you choose it yourself? 66 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,400 Yeah. OK. Jimmy helped. 67 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,640 SHE GASPS Oh, look! 68 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,200 It's a waffle iron. 69 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,080 That's so lovely. There you go. 70 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,440 I love that. Thank you. 71 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:36,120 APPLAUSE 72 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,200 That's... 73 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,560 So this effect of responding better to poorly wrapped presents, 74 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,520 it's true if you get it from a stranger, 75 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,320 or if you get it from a close friend, right? 76 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,360 Where we don't like a poorly wrapped present 77 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:48,960 is when it's from an acquaintance. 78 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,920 Oh. I'm trying to shake off acquaintances. 79 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:53,880 You're either in or you're out. 80 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,680 Yeah, exactly. Isn't that right, Julian? 81 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:56,800 It is. 82 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,360 That's the spirit. 83 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,520 I think that'll run all evening, don't you? 84 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,080 Well, I'm sure there's an ointment for it. 85 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,000 But if it's an acquaintance, 86 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,800 apparently people prefer it to be neatly wrapped, 87 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,720 because then they feel that person has taken some time about it. 88 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:23,280 When they say to you in the store, "Would you like that wrapped?" 89 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:24,800 should you say yes or no? 90 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,840 I sometimes think that really shows that you don't give a toss. 91 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:29,680 Yeah, if you get somebody else to do it. It really does. 92 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,640 If you just get them to do a... HE WHOOSHES 93 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,520 ..with the scissors and a ribbon. 94 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,160 If someone gives you a poorly wrapped present... Yeah. 95 00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,280 ..then that means you can give them a poorly wrapped present, 96 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,560 so I don't mind. Yeah. 97 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,560 Or you can just wrap it up the same again and give it back. 98 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,680 Or sometimes what I do is throw it in the bin 99 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,080 and then they come and visit me, 100 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:46,720 and then I go, can you put this in the bin, please? 101 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,800 And then they see their present. Then they know it's shit. 102 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,640 Oh. LAUGHTER 103 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,040 My mother once gave me the ugliest kitchen clock I've ever seen 104 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,400 in my whole life. 105 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,840 Anyway, Terry Wogan, in those days, doing the Wogan show, 106 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,280 and he asked for ugly things you'd received 107 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:02,720 that they could sell off for Children In Need as a joke, right? 108 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,200 So I sent this clock in. 109 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:08,200 One evening, my mother's there, she says, "Let's watch the Wogan show." 110 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:11,320 And then the thing comes on and I can see the clock in front of him, 111 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,360 and I pretended I was having a seizure. 112 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,640 Anyway, I did receive an absolutely fantastic gift, 113 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:22,800 which I want to show you. 114 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,960 So I just want to handle this very, very carefully. 115 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,440 I'm just going to bring... These gloves are... 116 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:27,960 Are you going to give me an enema? 117 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,880 So, look at this marvellous box that we've got here. 118 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,960 And when I open it up inside, 119 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,520 this is a saint's relic. 120 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,600 OK? This is St Wulfstan. 121 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:44,920 You'll like this - patron saint of vegetarians and peasants. 122 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,120 It looks like a chicken bone. It does. OK. 123 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,600 It is a chicken bone from one of the researchers' lunches today. 124 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:52,680 It is. 125 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,920 What I was trying to prove is what they call the reliquary effect. 126 00:05:57,920 --> 00:05:59,640 So if you show a random bone 127 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:02,280 and you put it in a marvellous reliquary case, 128 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,560 people will think it is much more valuable than it is, 129 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,920 if it's just a chicken bone, which is in fact what it was. 130 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:10,560 That's a bit like, you know, when I wear make-up? 131 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:11,600 Yeah. 132 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:15,240 Well, there was a time when perfectly ordinary brown paper was used. 133 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,120 I'm going to put my relic away. 134 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,720 Brown paper was used a lot in shops to wrap presents. 135 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,680 1910s, paper commonly used in American grocery stores, 136 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:27,280 and then newspapers started to write editorials against the practice. 137 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,280 So why might that be? 1910s. 138 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:32,480 Where are we heading for 1910? 139 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,520 The war? 140 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,440 World War I. You need paper. It's essential for war. 141 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,560 And it was becoming increasingly expensive. 142 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,800 And I think they thought if you could reduce demand by trying 143 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,120 to get people to stop having their things wrapped... 144 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,760 Nevertheless, in this country, 145 00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:50,880 each year we use 227,000 miles of wrapping paper, which is... 146 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,120 AUDIENCE MURMURS Oh, good little murmur there. 147 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:57,760 It's enough wrapping paper to go around the earth nine times. 148 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,560 The amount of card used in Christmas cards every year 149 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,400 could stretch between London and Lapland over a hundred times. 150 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,560 I mean, it's a lot of paper that we... Yeah. 151 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,160 And most of it can't be recycled. No. 152 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,080 I don't know, with the Christmas card thing, 153 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:10,400 I don't know what the etiquette is meant to be. 154 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,680 I'm the same with birthday cards. 155 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,000 How long are you meant to keep it? 156 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,800 Are you meant to read it and pop it straight in the bin or...? 157 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,240 I like the ones where people have done the photo themselves. 158 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:19,840 And I love a round robin. 159 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,000 Oh, a round robin! 160 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,400 "We were very pleased that the footings 161 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,120 "for the conservatory have gone in." 162 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,160 Wow! 163 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,880 Just tells you that they've buried a relative. 164 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:32,840 "We've got a new patio." 165 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:38,320 Now, my uncle is a proper tight prick, yeah? 166 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,640 I swear down, one day on my birthday, 167 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,880 I got a card and I'd opened it 168 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,120 and he Tippexed out "Happy Christmas" 169 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,600 and put "Happy Birthday". 170 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:47,880 And there was a robin on the front. 171 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:51,000 I was like, "We're Muslim, for God's sake! 172 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,280 "What are you doing?!" 173 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:53,320 I quite like that. 174 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,360 I like to go and buy, like, a happy retirement card for a sixth birthday. 175 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,280 My gran would do that. 176 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:05,440 She would get a card and tear it in half and give you the picture bit, 177 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,440 and just written on the back, 178 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,040 and claimed that it was because during the war 179 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,680 you had to be frugal. Right. 180 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,680 I said, "It's 1976, Gran." 181 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,880 But why can't you recycle most Christmas cards? 182 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:17,920 Tinsel? 183 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:20,320 Yeah, it's all the glitter and all the extra bits and pieces. 184 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,520 There's metallic materials, shiny laminates, 185 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,000 and that kind of thing, so... 186 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,320 Do you know? There's a trend happening at the minute, yeah... 187 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:27,560 Probably not. 188 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,520 What women are doing, and girls, 189 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,800 are, like, spraying themselves with glitter. Yeah? 190 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:36,000 And then if your man's cheating, you'll find glitter on him. 191 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,200 And then, you know, it's not you, and you know he's cheating, 192 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,520 and then you bust his arse up. Wow. 193 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,280 So, you're spraying yourself in glitter, 194 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:43,440 and then if he's cheating, you'll know. 195 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,640 What? Because... She'll know. 196 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:45,800 The other woman will know. 197 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:46,840 Oh! 198 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,400 Does it not cause chafing? 199 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,440 I don't think that's the main worry, Julian. 200 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:57,600 Right, that's Christmas wrapping all tied up with a bow. 201 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,400 But I do have presents for all of you as well. 202 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,480 If you would look underneath your desks, please. 203 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:06,280 I've gone with a sort of theme of wellness with these. 204 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:09,560 So, Alan, why don't we start with you? 205 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,440 It's easy to undo, you see? 206 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:12,640 I know, yeah. Easy to undo. 207 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:13,680 Nice bit of ribbon. 208 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,240 LAUGHTER 209 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,320 Beads. Yeah, 210 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:21,280 so why might you give beads to somebody? 211 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,000 Cos... LAUGHTER 212 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,320 ..cos you don't really like them. 213 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,320 Because you're obligated. 214 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,400 Cos you work with them and you have to think of something. 215 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,680 Cos these were at the back of your drawer! 216 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,040 So what I can tell you is that all of your gifts 217 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,000 are from early Christmas adverts. 218 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,400 So yours was first advertised in 1728, 219 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,000 and it's called an anodyne necklace. 220 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,280 Actually, this advert for it is from 1756, 221 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:48,800 a little tiny bit later on. 222 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,280 So, this is the weirdest thing - 223 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:54,600 these necklaces contained a poisonous plant called henbane, 224 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,720 which was also known as stinking nightshade. 225 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,200 LAUGHTER 226 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,720 It was meant to help children with teething pain. 227 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,600 At this time, one in three children 228 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:07,120 in England would not expect to reach their fifth birthday, 229 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,800 and teething pain was seen as a sort of sign of something 230 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,560 much more serious and possibly something fatal. 231 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,440 So they claimed that if you wore one of these anodyne necklaces, 232 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,000 curative substances would flow from it into the skin, 233 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,400 up into the mouth and so on. 234 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,080 You didn't have to chew on it, 235 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,400 which was just as well, 236 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,240 because it is actually a poison. 237 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,320 But it did seem to work 238 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,320 even though there's no medical reason for it. 239 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,520 Why do you think it might have worked? 240 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:34,200 They were quite expensive. There's five shillings for one. 241 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,320 It's one of those things where you tell people it's going 242 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,440 to be good for you, and then it works. 243 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:39,760 I think it is partly that, Julian, 244 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,320 but also it is the fact that infant mortality rates 245 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:43,880 were lower amongst rich people, 246 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:48,320 and it was only rich people who were able to buy them. Oh... 247 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,320 We used to give the kids Bickiepegs. 248 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,000 What, for their teething? 249 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,040 For their teething. 250 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,680 And then I don't know what it was. 251 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:55,920 And they're going, "Om-nom-nom-nom..." 252 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,400 And it would sort of gradually get smaller and smaller, 253 00:10:58,400 --> 00:10:59,440 like a dog biscuit, 254 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:03,000 like a good dog biscuit that lasts, you know? Yeah. 255 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,520 Sounds like you're giving the kids dog biscuits. Yeah. 256 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,120 I know what you're talking about. It's like cork, innit? 257 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,520 That's a good idea, though. 258 00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,280 Have a bottle of wine and give the children the cork. 259 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,680 But rich people like Augusta, Princess of Wales, 260 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,040 her daughter, Queen Caroline of Denmark and Norway, 261 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:21,680 who's the one on the left there... 262 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,000 In very small quantities, 263 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,600 this particular thing, henbane, that was in it, 264 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:26,840 it is a mild sedative. 265 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,800 If you have more than three grams, 266 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,440 it can cause constipation, 267 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,520 manic episodes, hallucinations, and possible death. 268 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,120 Is this a replica or...? 269 00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,960 Yes, darling. We also didn't want to kill Alan. 270 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,560 I mean, today. Not till the Z series. 271 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,080 Don't miss that episode. 272 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,440 We are going to need a big finish, so... 273 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,520 Right, Julian, do you want to open yours, darling? 274 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,080 Ah. Have you pushed the boat out? 275 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,800 This is from a Christmas ad from 1825. 276 00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,640 Oh! What is it? 277 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,480 It's Macassar oil. 278 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,040 So, do you know about Macassar oil? 279 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:04,800 Oh, I'm sure you're going to tell me. 280 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,040 LAUGHTER 281 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,080 Have you heard of antimacassars, darling? 282 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,840 Antimacassar, yes. What does that mean? 283 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:13,960 It was a sort of a piece of cloth that sat on the back of the train. 284 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,240 Oh, I thought it was a band from Camden Town. 285 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,480 It is quite a good name for a band, isn't it? 286 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:19,520 It doesn't smell. 287 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,240 Is that because you would have had oily... 288 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,600 People wouldn't wash their hair? 289 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,720 It's to stop the oil from the back of your head 290 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:25,920 going onto the train seat, 291 00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,560 and it's called an antimacassar. 292 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,880 Macassar oil comes originally from the ebony trees in Indonesia, 293 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,440 but this was a much cheaper blend of vegetable oils, 294 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:34,960 palm oils and coconut. 295 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,640 It's the 19th-century equivalent of hair gel. 296 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:41,840 "Pure grease is undoubtedly the best nourisher of the hair." 297 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,400 Yeah, it's supposed to be very, very good... 298 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,720 I'll tell my daughter that. 299 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,680 Good luck. 300 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,440 Do you want to apply some? Yes. Go on, then. 301 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:51,640 Open your hand. 302 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,320 Times I've said that! 303 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,480 ALAN HOOTS Now, there you are. 304 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:01,000 But you have to follow it by saying, "Here's some oil." 305 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,760 Right, go on, then. It's a lovely colour. 306 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:04,920 What is the...? 307 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,880 Honestly! You've got to run your fingers through it. 308 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,080 You have to do... The thing is, Sandi, 309 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,320 what will happen if I do that is, 310 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,360 we'll stop the show, 311 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:13,160 and the make-up department will come on, 312 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,440 really fucked off. 313 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,160 LAUGHTER 314 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,080 You know those people. 315 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,760 Can you imagine the language back there now? 316 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,400 They're watching on the monitor. 317 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,440 "Don't you dare put your fingers through that hair." 318 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,520 "Don't touch your hair. Don't touch your hair." 319 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,720 LAUGHTER 320 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:34,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 321 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,280 Quite like it. 322 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:37,680 Oh, it is whiffy. Does it smell nice? 323 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,560 I thought you said it didn't smell. 324 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:40,640 Well, I lied. 325 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,760 That's an exchange you've had before. 326 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:50,800 Right, Jimmy, come on, let's see. 327 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,040 We're five minutes in and you've lubed him up. 328 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,360 OK, you've not pushed the boat out here. This looks tiny. 329 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,880 So again, this is something from the past. 330 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:03,760 1857. Well, that's some pills of some description. 331 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:08,040 OK, so these are from Mr Page Woodcock of Lincoln. 332 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:13,560 So there were two Christmas adverts for wind pills to treat indigestion. 333 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:14,840 To cure wind, or to give you more? 334 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,200 Well, so it depended on which advert that you had a look at. 335 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,760 So the very first advert claimed that the pills would conjure 336 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,360 "happy festive memories". 337 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:23,960 So, this is the Christmas advert. 338 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,200 The second was the Boxing Day advert, 339 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,800 which was inspired by A Christmas Carol, 340 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,560 and it said the pills would cure people haunted by 341 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,800 the Christmas ghost of indigestion. 342 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,600 So, if you took them on Christmas Day, made you happy, 343 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,200 if you took them on Boxing Day, got rid of indigestion. 344 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,000 Those are your basic happy pills that we've given you. 345 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,040 Lovely. Yeah. 346 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,480 Should we...smash them up and do a line? 347 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,280 I'm very concerned about those two children 348 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,440 in the hot air balloons, 349 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,520 sent off unaccompanied. 350 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,040 Well, not just that, not dressed. 351 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,520 Are they the ones with the wind? 352 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:56,960 Is that what we're thinking? 353 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,440 You can still get wind pills. 354 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,680 They're called Wind-eze. Yes, you can, actually. 355 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:03,920 And I actually promise you that my wife did buy me some for Christmas, 356 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,040 which really, really amused the children. 357 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,720 I said, "Stop listening at the door. Go to another room." 358 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:14,600 Did it work? I haven't tried them, actually. 359 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,160 Could you? I should, yeah. 360 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,360 I really should. Right, Fatiha, come on. 361 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:20,400 Yes. 362 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,240 Mine's the biggest one here. 363 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,440 1830s, this one. 364 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,240 This better not be like a gym or some shit like that, yeah? 365 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,040 Oh, no. No, we don't do fitness. 366 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,080 You're fine. 367 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:30,280 Cos I'll go mad up in here. 368 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:33,960 LAUGHTER 369 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,760 APPLAUSE 370 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,000 Merry Christmas! 371 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,320 Can you imagine if...? 372 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:49,000 I should do that. Should I do a rental service? 373 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,560 Yeah. You can rent me, I'll hide in your toilet, 374 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,080 and then you'll come, and I'll go, "Merry Christmas!" 375 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:56,880 Christmas advert for a toilet appeared 376 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,080 in several publications in the 1830s. 377 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,520 Was a man called Robert Wiss. 378 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:01,560 There it is. 379 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:05,400 And he said it was the perfect gift for Christmas and New Year's. 380 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,000 It's a portable, self-acting water closet. 381 00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,840 So it's a kind of commode. 382 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,920 They used to be known as thunderboxes. 383 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:15,200 Because Alan used to go in there. Ah, well! 384 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,200 So it looks like a cabinet from the outside, 385 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:18,320 and then when you open it up, 386 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,680 it's got a commode on the inside, a chamber pot. 387 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,200 That is the worst James Bond gadget ever. 388 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,720 What did they do before? 389 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,600 Just had a sort of a bowl under the bed, you know, a pot. 390 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,680 But this had a cistern with stored water, 391 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,800 and you could actually flush the waste out of the pot, 392 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,080 and it went into a concealed hidden bucket, 393 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,000 which was then emptied by the staff. 394 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,440 Discreet. Yes, exactly, exactly. 395 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,160 I mean, you say discreet, portable. 396 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,920 So presumably people would see you in the high street with it. 397 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,040 "What's he doing with that cupboard?" 398 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,760 "He seems to be shitting in it." 399 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,360 During lockdown, because I like to go for a really long walk, 400 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,400 I bought a portable toilet tent and it was... 401 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:56,480 It was like a big... 402 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,320 ALAN WHEEZES 403 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,440 I did. You didn't do that! 404 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,040 I did. A portable toilet tent? Just completely over you? 405 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,840 Well, no, what it was, it was a pop-up thing. 406 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,960 There was a flat circle, and you just popped it, 407 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,000 and popped up like the size of a telephone booth, 408 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,440 and I thought this was marvellous. 409 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:12,800 And then you went in... 410 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,160 You have to sing when you're in there in case someone comes along. 411 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,760 Well, darling, it was great, 412 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,760 apart from when it blew over outside... 413 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,680 LAUGHTER 414 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,080 ..outside the Tower of London. 415 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,120 LAUGHTER 416 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,320 You come across a tent, wandering around, 417 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:29,400 always have a little look inside, 418 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,040 because it could be Sandi Toksvig taking a shit. 419 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,600 OK, presents away, please. 420 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:42,360 What's most dangerous, a lion, a witch or a wardrobe? 421 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:43,840 Definitely a witch. 422 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,920 KLAXON 423 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:46,960 It is. 424 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,880 Would a lion be scared of a witch, though? 425 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:54,120 You could reason with a lion. 426 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,160 LAUGHTER 427 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:57,240 I would so enjoy that. 428 00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:59,360 That's a show we'd all watch, I think. 429 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,520 "Hi, and welcome to Reason With A Lion." 430 00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,560 And the witch, if she's in a good mood, 431 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,120 you could get away with it, 432 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:09,880 but if a wardrobe fell on you, 433 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,400 then you'd be in trouble. 434 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,240 And that is the correct answer, my darling. 435 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,760 Absolutely right, yes. 436 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,760 So, the wonderful book, The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe by... 437 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:22,800 CS Lewis. 438 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,720 CS Lewis, dedicated to Lucy Barfield. 439 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,200 And Maud, Lucy's mother, was extremely worried 440 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,280 that children would go looking for Narnia 441 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:30,960 and get stuck inside a wardrobe, 442 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,880 so he had to put some extra lines of text in. 443 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,640 And every time, you'll notice, in the book, 444 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,400 somebody goes through the wardrobe, he says, 445 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,840 "They took care to leave the door ajar." 446 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:41,720 CS Lewis does say it's a very silly thing to lock oneself in a wardrobe. 447 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,960 But apparently we are facing an accident crisis. 448 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,240 Britain loses ten times more working days 449 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,680 to domestic accidents than we do to strikes. 450 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:51,760 So, driving accidents have significantly decreased 451 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,080 in the past 20 years. 452 00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:56,760 But pretty much all other accidents have increased. 453 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,160 Falls are by far the biggest culprit. 454 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,440 Why do you think we might be having more and more falls? 455 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,120 Cos there's more stairs? 456 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:05,240 Oh, I like that. 457 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,120 We've had a tremendous increase in stairs, yes. 458 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,360 Well, if I have an accident, it's likely to be on the stairs. 459 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,600 Or sometimes I open the fridge door and hit myself on the head. 460 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,000 This is going to be the worst ever episode of Miss Marple. 461 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,040 Well... 462 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,520 It's the ageing population. Oh, it's the old people. 463 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,240 There's that terrible fact about if you break a hip, as well. 464 00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:31,000 You're better off having stage four cancer than a broken hip. 465 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:32,520 In terms of... Really? Why? 466 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,120 It's in Peter Attia's book on longevity. 467 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,960 If you break a hip, it's very, very bad news. 468 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,440 Why are you reading books on longevity, darling? 469 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:41,680 I've had a lot of work done. 470 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,440 My face is like Trigger's broom. 471 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,200 Very little of the original's still there. 472 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,120 In 2016 - so, this is according to the National Accident Helpline - 473 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,600 1 in 75 people surveyed had been injured 474 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:59,320 while shopping in a sales rush. 475 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,720 1 in 50 people reported falling out of the loft 476 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,800 while retrieving Christmas decorations. 477 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,360 1 in 90 people had suffered burns 478 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:09,720 while roasting chestnuts on an open fire. 479 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,880 1 in 50 had fallen out of the loft? 480 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:14,680 Yeah, I know. It seems an extraordinarily high number. 481 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,120 Yeah. What do you think is the gift 482 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,240 in recent years that's caused the most accidents? 483 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,280 Knives. 484 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,560 "I bought you a very sharp knife." "Ah!" 485 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:25,880 Sandwich maker? 486 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,120 Yes, you could trap your finger in the thing. 487 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,280 E-scooters. 488 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,880 Is exactly right, darling. 489 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,320 E-scooter. My nephew's nearly died. 490 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,160 He cut his the back of his ankle, and he cut an artery. 491 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,120 And then, yeah, he nearly died. 492 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,320 Foolish boy! 493 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:44,240 I mean, 416 people seriously injured in 2023 494 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:46,920 and 965 slightly injured. 495 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,520 338 fires. 496 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:52,520 Still a lot more people falling out of the loft, though, isn't there? 497 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,640 What's the worst or most embarrassing accident anybody here has ever had? 498 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,800 Are we counting soiling yourself? 499 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:01,360 I mean, we are now. 500 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,960 I've got a soiling myself story if you'd like to... 501 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,000 Go for it, darling. 502 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,520 Well, I've told this story before. 503 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,200 I think last time I was on this show, but... 504 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,360 It's so long ago, darling. No. It's in colour now. 505 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,400 Anyway... 506 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,040 But no. 507 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:21,880 Beat this. I once... 508 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,880 I once shat myself while meeting the Queen. 509 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,960 AUDIENCE GASPS 510 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,680 SHOCKED LAUGHTER 511 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,960 It was a Royal Variety show. Yeah. 512 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:38,440 And you had to queue up and, you know, she came 513 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,880 and shakes your hand. 514 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:42,720 And I don't know if it was nerves or I'd had a bit of trouble, 515 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,200 I can't remember. 516 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,000 But it was only a little pellet. 517 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,160 But that's a true story. 518 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,480 Let's hear your soiling yourself... 519 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:00,960 I can remember doing a little pellet as a child, 520 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,280 and it came out my trouser leg. 521 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,960 Is that what happened to you? Yes. 522 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,320 It shot across the stage... 523 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,560 ..in the general direction of Claire Sweeney. 524 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:16,400 LAUGHTER 525 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,960 This story's got everything. 526 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,120 I've got a poo story. 527 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,840 I was going to tell a story about shaving, 528 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,200 and now you... Are you going to go with the poo? 529 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,920 Yeah, I want to go with the poo. Shaving's too long. 530 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,160 Can I just say to everybody, I don't have a poo story? 531 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,240 This will be the last one. 532 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:33,880 Oh, I cut my, uh... 533 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,480 ..scrotum with a... 534 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,880 Was this at the Royal Variety Performance? 535 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:47,680 Shaking hands with the Queen 536 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:50,160 and trying to shave my balls at the same time. 537 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,280 You know how that goes! 538 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:54,160 I was alone. Sure. It was to do a podcast, 539 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,240 and there was a company, they have lots and lots of podcasts 540 00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:00,840 about football, nearly all by boys and mostly listened to by boys. 541 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:05,040 Anyway, they started sending these shaving kits around, 542 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,520 giving the shaving kits for shaving your undercarriage with. 543 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,160 And we were all sort of 40s and 50s, 544 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,920 and thought, "What? People are doing what now?" 545 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:15,640 Anyway, I tried it, 546 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,280 and I cut myself on the scr... 547 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,320 I thought, "This shouldn't be possible." 548 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,680 It's got all this kind of protective thing on it, 549 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:26,600 but I've got a little bit carried away, 550 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:28,520 and that's the most embarrassing accident, 551 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,640 and now you've made me say it on the Christmas show. 552 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,000 I'll tell you where you went wrong. You need to stretch the skin. 553 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,160 That's what it is. 554 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,280 You just went like this cos you're lazy. 555 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:42,600 But you need to stretch the skin. 556 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,800 Trust me, I know. I'm Arab, I know about hair. 557 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:47,920 Thank you so much for doing mine. 558 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,240 There's not enough room in that bathroom to get that smooth. 559 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,480 You'd need two people, like if you were folding a sheet. 560 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:03,920 Two people pulling it out 561 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,880 and one other person with a lawnmower! 562 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:14,400 I can't believe I'm stopping this fascinating conversation 563 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,280 to hear yours about poo. So, yeah, 564 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:17,920 I was like seven or something, 565 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,040 and then we went on a school trip to a farm, 566 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:21,200 and I wanted to do a poo, 567 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:22,960 but the teacher goes, "Go on your own to the toilet." 568 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:24,360 And I was like, "No," 569 00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:25,960 so I just shit in my pants. 570 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,560 And then, like, I sat in it, 571 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,320 and I had it in my pants all day, 572 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:30,520 and all the kids... 573 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,160 Shut up! All the kids... 574 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,120 I wouldn't mess with her. 575 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:37,480 All the kids were like, "Oh, there's a... 576 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:38,520 "We can smell poo." 577 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,000 And I was like, "Oh, yeah, I wonder who it is. 578 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,360 "Maybe it's the stinky kid." 579 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,640 And when I got home, my mum put me in the bath, 580 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,080 and it was stuck to my skin. 581 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,000 She had to soak me and then pull it off with a butter knife. 582 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,200 AUDIENCE GROANS Merry Christmas, everyone. 583 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,720 Merry Christmas. Once went on a coach trip, 584 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:53,960 quite a long coach... Oh, please don't. 585 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:58,640 And the driver was a huge man. 586 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,000 Really, really big man. 587 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,600 And he pulled over on the hard shoulder, 588 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,600 and he got out of his cab and he made his way down the aisle. 589 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:06,880 We thought, "What's going on?" 590 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,600 And he went down the stairs into the loo. 591 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:13,280 And eventually he re-emerged and he said, 592 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,640 "No-one can use the toilet. It's full." 593 00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:25,440 Anybody in the audience want to talk about...? 594 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:31,840 Now, I've got everybody a bowl of Christmas walnuts. 595 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,160 Can anybody open...? 596 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,360 You know there's that thing where you crush two in your hand and you... 597 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:36,680 CRUNCHING Oh, I've just done it. 598 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,040 Oh, I don't know my own strength! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 599 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,280 That's very exciting! 600 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:46,720 There is a sort of scrotum look of it, isn't there? 601 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,440 It really is. OK. It really is. 602 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,080 HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY 603 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:52,400 Yeah, I know the trick. 604 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,440 So what you do is you put one there, 605 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,160 and then you put the other one next to it, 606 00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:57,760 and then you just go... 607 00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,720 ..like that and then it opens. 608 00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,600 Has it happened? Yeah, it will, just... 609 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:03,320 What do you mean, "It will"? So it hasn't? 610 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:08,000 Stop flirting with me. OK. 611 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,040 I can't believe I've got to sit next to the stinky kid. 612 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,120 APPLAUSE 613 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:18,240 The stinky kid, it's a bit like the patsy. 614 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:22,200 If you don't know who the stinky kid is, it's you. 615 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:24,920 So... I've done it, by the way. Look. Congratulations. 616 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,400 Yeah, it's a mess, but I've done it. 617 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:32,720 Now, why is it so hard to find a walnut's anus? 618 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:35,400 What have I just eaten? 619 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,800 Are they heterosexual? Walnuts? 620 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,120 It depends what kind of walnut we're talking about. 621 00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:43,160 I'm looking at the walnut. 622 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,080 But this is not the kind of walnut, is it? 623 00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:47,000 No, you've done this game before, haven't you? 624 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,520 LAUGHTER 625 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,680 Different kind of walnuts to the ones in front of us... 626 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:52,960 The walnut bird. 627 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,560 Walnut snake? 628 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,720 No, let's go... Walnut beetle. 629 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:57,760 Walnut fish. 630 00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:59,240 Walnut whip. The walnut... 631 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,080 It is a creature in the sea, 632 00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:07,080 and they are called sea walnuts. 633 00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:10,040 Look at this. It is so beautiful. Oh, I love those see-through ones. 634 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,320 They're also called warty comb jellies. 635 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:13,440 It's not a jellyfish. 636 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:14,680 It's a bit like a jellyfish. 637 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:15,720 That's not a jellyfish? 638 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:19,120 No. Yeah, I'm not sure who you're talking to or getting facts from, 639 00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:21,000 but that, my friend, is a jellyfish. 640 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:22,440 So why isn't it a jellyfish? 641 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:25,360 I'm telling you it's not. I'm telling you it is. No, well, 642 00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:30,080 the reason that we know it isn't is because it does have an anus. 643 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:32,040 So if it was a jellyfish, it wouldn't. 644 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:36,960 But what is extraordinary about them is that these are transient anuses. 645 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,920 What do we think that means? 646 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:40,080 It moves around. 647 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,320 Well, it's only there for a very short time. 648 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:47,280 They only create one on a temporary basis when they need to poo. 649 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:48,360 So when it needs to go, 650 00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:52,360 the digestive system fuses with its skin to form an opening, 651 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:53,440 it does a poo, 652 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:55,440 and the opening then closes in a matter of minutes. 653 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,240 And they do this about once an hour, 654 00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,880 unless they're a very, very young one, 655 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,720 in which case it's about every ten minutes. 656 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,400 So it is a jellyfish most of the time. 657 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:03,440 No, it isn't... 658 00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:09,000 You're saying, once an hour it isn't a jellyfish, briefly. 659 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:10,120 Wonder why they do that, though. 660 00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:11,720 What's in it for them? 661 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,480 What, to do it? Not to have a permanent arsehole. 662 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,360 I think it's that they're not so vulnerable, darling. 663 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,160 I think it's that. It's basically, you know, 664 00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:21,120 it's an exit for them and an entrance for others. 665 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:22,600 Oh, tell me about it. 666 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:25,280 LAUGHTER 667 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:27,840 APPLAUSE 668 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:30,240 When you think about it, though, it would be practical if you're on, 669 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,720 I don't know, let's say a school trip, perhaps. 670 00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:34,320 Yeah. 671 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,280 Just create an arsehole, and then gone again. 672 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:38,680 Just to not have one the whole time, 673 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,640 because, you know, accidents happen. 674 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:44,200 Quite a long walk to the toilet, maybe I'll just shit myself. 675 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,000 What? 676 00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:47,440 Jellyfish don't have anuses. 677 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:49,400 They expel their waste through the mouth. 678 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:51,120 So it's the difference between the two. 679 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:52,920 How do you know it's its mouth? What's it saying? 680 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:55,800 I mean, I think people have studied this. 681 00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:57,680 There's a fantastic... 682 00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:00,080 There's an amazing American zoologist called Libbie Hyman. 683 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,920 And it was because she noticed that these particular creatures, 684 00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:05,200 the sea walnuts, have these transient anuses, 685 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:07,800 that she realised that they were not the same as jellyfish. 686 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:09,680 I don't even think that's a real person - Libbie Hyman? 687 00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:11,120 Libbie Hyman. 688 00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:13,320 Sounds made up. She's from a limerick. 689 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:19,400 "Oh, I've got a Libbie Hyman." 690 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:20,720 "Have you?" 691 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:22,240 "Still intact? But you horse ride." 692 00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:24,280 LAUGHTER 693 00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:30,400 Now this picture is a wassail box. 694 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,760 It's a traditional Christmas item. 695 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:34,880 You would have to pay to look inside. 696 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:36,360 What will you give me to look inside? 697 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:38,400 A penny. 698 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:40,520 A penny. I like the idea of a penny. Like penny for the Guy? 699 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:41,720 A penny would be fine. 700 00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:44,080 There was a Christmas tradition called wassail... 701 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:45,160 Where? Where? Where? 702 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:47,480 Yes, oh, Yorkshire. It was very common to have in Yorkshire. 703 00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:49,480 Sounds quite Newcastle, doesn't it? "Wassail box." 704 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:51,520 Well, it's actually a Scandinavian thing. 705 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:53,280 Oh. So you would offer some money, 706 00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:54,640 and then they would show what's inside. 707 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,680 What do you think is in the box that they're going to...? 708 00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:57,760 Is it a music box? 709 00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:00,200 No, it... Let's have a look on the picture. 710 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:01,560 This was the Christmas tradition that... 711 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:03,240 June Whitfield. 712 00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:08,440 In the kids' version, 713 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,880 two tiny dolls representing the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus. 714 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:15,000 And that's not the real Virgin Mary and baby Jesus? 715 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,840 Yes, this is the real Virgin... 716 00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:19,120 Smaller than you'd think. 717 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,520 Do you think people were smaller? 718 00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:31,120 Because my children are really getting really big. 719 00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:34,600 My daughter's taller than nearly all of us. 720 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:38,440 So, if you really went backwards through time, 721 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:39,720 with people getting a little bit smaller, 722 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:41,560 a little bit smaller, a little bit smaller, 723 00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:43,640 that probably is how big the Virgin Mary was. 724 00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:48,880 LAUGHTER 725 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:50,200 Can I ask...? You can. 726 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:53,080 Were you going to ask why Alan doesn't sit in this chair? 727 00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:56,720 No, I was going to say, he's hot today, innit? 728 00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:58,640 This tradition, we don't know how old it is, 729 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:00,720 maybe 18th or 19th century, but it has carried on. 730 00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:03,360 Except, in America, I don't think they've really got the hang of it, 731 00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,840 because sometimes when people do it, they open the box, 732 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:07,640 and inside is Ken and Barbie. 733 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,800 The one in the middle there is from the distant past 734 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:12,960 when people were small. 735 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:20,760 I'd say you're from the 1400s. 736 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:24,760 This is adults wassailing. 737 00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:26,000 You'd go door to door and you would sing, 738 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,640 and you would offer alcoholic drinks from a wassail bowl - 739 00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:31,680 that's what she's holding there - in return for gifts. 740 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:35,360 She's saying, "We are Bananarama." 741 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:39,040 I don't think I'd like some random man knocking on the door 742 00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,800 asking for money to look in a box. 743 00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:42,840 No. 744 00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:44,480 "Would you like to look in my box." 745 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:47,080 OK, moving along. 746 00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:51,240 Um, why did Oliver Cromwell ban Christmas? 747 00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:53,920 Don't tell anyone, right, 748 00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:55,760 but he was a Muslim. 749 00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:57,720 KLAXON 750 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:02,080 APPLAUSE 751 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:06,840 Damn you! 752 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:09,920 Anybody else? 753 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:11,200 Um... 754 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:13,400 Oh, I thought I was going to think of something. 755 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:14,720 LAUGHTER 756 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:15,800 Nothing came out. 757 00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:19,040 Imagine you're meeting the Queen. 758 00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:22,840 What's he doing there? 759 00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:24,840 It feels like he's signalling to someone, holding his ear. 760 00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:28,880 The answer is that he didn't ban Christmas. 761 00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:31,600 Well, you might want to check again, because, yeah, he did. 762 00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:32,800 No, it's a Christmas myth. 763 00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:35,160 Truth is, he actually quite liked a party. 764 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:36,760 He enjoyed smoking and drinking. 765 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:40,040 Scandalously, he allowed dancing at his daughter's wedding, 766 00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:41,880 so he wasn't anti-party. 767 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:45,120 The Christmas ban started with the Scottish Presbyterians. 768 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:48,080 So they had been discouraging Christmas celebrations for years, 769 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:51,680 since 1583, and the Puritans needed the Scottish support. 770 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:55,960 So it's his party that were trying to keep the Scots calm. 771 00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:58,080 And it wasn't Cromwell himself who thought, 772 00:32:58,080 --> 00:32:59,240 "Let's get rid of Christmas." 773 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:01,600 There are parts of the country where they didn't pay any attention at all. 774 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:03,760 So Devon and Cornwall, for example, they just carried on. 775 00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:05,800 They probably hadn't heard about it. 776 00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:09,000 When do you think Christmas Day became a holiday in Scotland? 777 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,520 I'll give you ten points if you're within the right decade. 778 00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:14,520 1974. Not far. 779 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,040 '64. '59. 780 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,320 You win. '58. Yes, absolutely. 781 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:22,440 So, it wasn't a holiday... 782 00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:25,360 It wasn't a holiday until 1958. ..in Scotland until 1958? Yeah. 783 00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:27,080 HE CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY 784 00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:31,920 Anyway, moving on. 785 00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:35,800 Why were Christmas Day weddings so popular in the past? 786 00:33:37,080 --> 00:33:39,040 Is it one of those things where, like, 787 00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:41,600 if you have your wedding on Christmas, 788 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,440 you can't forget your anniversary? 789 00:33:46,080 --> 00:33:48,400 Do you forget yours? Do you forget your anniversary? 790 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:49,480 Yeah. Yeah. 791 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:52,360 If you get married at Christmas, it feels like... 792 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:54,560 That or Valentine's, you go, it's also one gift. 793 00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:57,760 Yeah. Great. May I ask, are you married? 794 00:33:57,760 --> 00:33:58,880 No, no, we're just friends. 795 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:04,160 I mean, we get along great. Yeah. 796 00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:06,000 No, I've been married and divorced twice, 797 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:08,560 cos I don't learn the first time. 798 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,120 Third time lucky, is that what we're saying? 799 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,240 No. I'm sick of these people. 800 00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:18,000 I was not either of her husbands. 801 00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:20,840 Be amazing if I turned out to be both. 802 00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:24,440 I married her twice. I'm a master of disguise. 803 00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:27,360 I'm Moroccan, and we have a saying. 804 00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:29,240 We say, if it rains on your wedding day, 805 00:34:29,240 --> 00:34:31,720 then it means it's going to turn out bad. 806 00:34:31,720 --> 00:34:34,680 That's why it rained on both my weddings. 807 00:34:34,680 --> 00:34:36,200 In Morocco? Yeah. Yeah, that's... 808 00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:37,720 Not famous for its rain, is it? No. 809 00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:41,240 Julian, are you married, darling? Yes. 810 00:34:41,240 --> 00:34:43,720 My husband slipped his finger into my ring... 811 00:34:43,720 --> 00:34:46,160 LAUGHTER 812 00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:48,800 ..about eight years ago now. 813 00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:50,040 Congratulations. 814 00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:52,320 But anyway, getting back to the question... Yes. 815 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:56,000 Why get married on Christmas Day? Everyone's got the day off. 816 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:57,600 Unless they're Scottish. 817 00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:01,760 It's the correct answer. I was about to say that. 818 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,280 I'm so sorry. Sorry, Julian! 819 00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:06,240 Press your buzzer and say it. They'll edit it in. 820 00:35:06,240 --> 00:35:07,880 That's it. We'll pretend he hasn't said it. 821 00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:09,240 What were you going to say, Julian? 822 00:35:09,240 --> 00:35:11,120 No, don't patronise me. 823 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,320 LAUGHTER 824 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:19,560 It's because they didn't have many days off. 825 00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:21,560 Christmas Day was off. What better day? 826 00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:22,640 Exactly right. 827 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,200 Christmas Day and Boxing Day were the sort of days... 828 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:26,400 Very clever boy, Julian. 829 00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:28,320 Yes, you are! 830 00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:29,920 Yes, you are a clever boy! 831 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:31,400 So it was a very popular time. 832 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,920 In fact, churches would give discounted rates 833 00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:35,880 if multiple couples got married at the same time. 834 00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:39,880 This is a picture at St George Church in London in 1920. 835 00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:41,400 She's got stars on her head. 836 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:44,440 The third one from the left, why has she got two stars? 837 00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:46,320 Oh, yeah. Do you think they made their own? Her TripAdvisor. 838 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:49,880 TripAdvisor thinks she's not great. 839 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,360 LAUGHTER 840 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:55,280 In 1913, the Guardian reported a church in Stepney 841 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:58,640 had married 25 couples all on the same day. Mm. 842 00:35:58,640 --> 00:36:02,560 Now, it's almost time for the bum note that we call General Ignorance. 843 00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:05,520 But this year, I have some friends to help me with the questions. 844 00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:09,040 Please welcome the QI choir, under the direction of John Riddell. 845 00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:10,080 Take it away. 846 00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:12,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 847 00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:22,480 Carol Of The Bells 848 00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:45,840 Hey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 849 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:46,920 I don't want to be... 850 00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:53,800 What occasion was this tune composed for? 851 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:56,520 Ooh. Yes, Julian. 852 00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:57,560 Easter. 853 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:01,400 Is it the John Lewis Christmas ad? 854 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:04,440 Home Alone when the thieves breaking in. 855 00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:05,960 Well, that is true. 856 00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:08,000 It is in Home Alone... Yes! 857 00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:09,680 ..but that's not what it was composed for. 858 00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:11,760 It's after Christmas. What comes after Christmas? 859 00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:13,800 Twelfth Night, Boxing Day, Easter... 860 00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:18,080 Summer holidays! Mother's Day. 861 00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:19,320 New Year. 862 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:20,960 Yes! 863 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:23,840 Yes, Alan, it's New Year's, is exactly right. 864 00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:25,640 What do we call this tune? 865 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,480 Does anyone in the audience know this? 866 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:28,760 Carol Of The Bells! 867 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:30,040 Carol Of The Bells is exactly right. 868 00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:34,160 But it was originally a Ukrainian folk song for New Year's Eve. 869 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:35,600 It was called Shchedryk, 870 00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:37,160 which means bountiful evening. 871 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:38,920 So, the lyrics are nothing to do with bells, 872 00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:40,000 nothing to do with Christmas. 873 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,280 It's actually about a swallow visiting a home 874 00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:44,200 and delivering luck for the new year. 875 00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:46,640 The very first modern arrangement was 1919. 876 00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:50,000 A Ukrainian composer called Mykola Leontovych 877 00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:52,680 and then a Ukrainian-American called Peter Wilhousky, 878 00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:54,840 he rearranged it and added the English lyrics 879 00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:57,400 and renamed it Carol Of The Bells in 1922. 880 00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:59,800 But it has always been associated with Christmas ever since. 881 00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:00,880 Let's have another tune. 882 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:05,720 Who sang this song in the 1982 animated film The Snowman? 883 00:38:18,520 --> 00:38:20,840 Julian's off! Who was it? Aled Jones. 884 00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:22,440 No... 885 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:24,760 KLAXON 886 00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:27,560 It was written by Howard Blake specifically for the film, 887 00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:31,400 but it was actually sung by a choir boy named Peter Auty. 888 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:34,600 There he is. He's now a professional operatic tenor, 889 00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:36,600 but he didn't get any credit in the film 890 00:38:36,600 --> 00:38:38,560 because they forgot to put his name on. 891 00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:40,680 1985, the song was used in an advert 892 00:38:40,680 --> 00:38:43,080 for Toys 'R' Us, and it had to be re-recorded. 893 00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:45,440 This guy, Peter Auty's voice had already broken 894 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:47,360 and so a new version was sung by Aled Jones, 895 00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:49,520 and that was released and that became a huge hit. 896 00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:52,840 And that is why we think Aled Jones sang it in the film, 897 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,040 but it isn't actually him. 898 00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:58,560 Here's another song that was originally written for New Year. 899 00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:01,000 But what is the first line? 900 00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:04,760 Deck The Halls 901 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:15,080 What are you going to say? 902 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:17,360 La, la-la, la, la, la, la, la... 903 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,440 ..la-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. 904 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:23,080 KLAXON 905 00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:28,240 Do you know, Fatiha? 906 00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:30,440 Is it deck the halls with something and holly? 907 00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:33,560 Deck the halls with... No. Oh. 908 00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:35,600 With boughs of holly. 909 00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:38,320 I didn't say boughs so I don't know why you buzzed me. 910 00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:41,360 Well, I don't know. Is it, " 'Tis the season to be jolly"? 911 00:39:44,280 --> 00:39:46,840 I think it's Ant and Dec with Phil and Holly. 912 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:48,760 LAUGHTER 913 00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:51,120 So I asked for the original lyrics, 914 00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:54,640 and it's an old Welsh tune called Nos Galan, or New Year. 915 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:58,440 The oldest version of the lyrics are translated into English as this. 916 00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:06,320 the grove in blossom 917 00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:21,640 Oh, I like that! 918 00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,200 APPLAUSE 919 00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:28,240 "Oh, how soft, my fair one's bosom." 920 00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:29,720 Absolute filth. 921 00:40:29,720 --> 00:40:31,360 LAUGHTER 922 00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:32,840 Finally, have a listen to this. 923 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:35,440 Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy 924 00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:37,000 Now, who wrote it, 925 00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:40,960 and what instrument is performing the lead melody? 926 00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:45,960 Is it The Nutcracker? 927 00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:47,880 It is The Nutcracker. You're absolutely right. 928 00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:49,000 Tchaikovsky? 929 00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:50,200 Tchaikovsky is very good. 930 00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:52,920 And the oboe? It's not an oboe. Harpsichord? 931 00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:54,600 We're nearer with the harpsichord. 932 00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:57,160 Triangle. 933 00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:58,840 LAUGHTER, KLAXON 934 00:41:02,240 --> 00:41:04,600 It's the Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy 935 00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:06,600 in Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker. 936 00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:09,480 It's played on a celesta. 937 00:41:09,480 --> 00:41:10,840 There it is - a celesta. 938 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:13,440 If you lift that up, you can take a shit in it. 939 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:19,640 APPLAUSE 940 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:22,640 If you lift it up, Sandi Toksvig's... 941 00:41:23,720 --> 00:41:25,120 "I'm busy!" 942 00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:27,240 A celesta. Comes from the French word for heavenly. 943 00:41:27,240 --> 00:41:30,280 So it looks like a piano, but when you press the keys, 944 00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:33,080 hammers hit metal plates with wooden resonators underneath. 945 00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:36,000 That gives it a sort of soft, almost like a triangle sound. 946 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:39,160 It was invented in 1886 by a Parisian organ maker, 947 00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:41,680 Charles Victor Mustel, and his son Auguste, 948 00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:43,640 and Tchaikovsky ordered one immediately. 949 00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,440 Does anybody know what a sugar plum is? 950 00:41:46,440 --> 00:41:48,560 It's the Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy. 951 00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:51,480 Isn't it a thing that hangs off a tree, Christmas tree, 952 00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:53,520 that you can eat? Yes, it's exactly right. 953 00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:56,160 It's a kind of sweet. It's what's called a comfit. 954 00:41:56,160 --> 00:41:59,720 It's a seed, a nut, or a berry, which has got layers of hard sugar on it. 955 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:03,280 And I will give ten points to anybody who can tell me 956 00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:07,520 where we saw sugar plums at the beginning of the show. 957 00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:12,840 Oh, now they were mentioned on one of the adverts that came up earlier. 958 00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:13,920 You're exactly right. 959 00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:15,680 It was for your anodyne necklace. 960 00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:17,640 There, look. "Sugar plumbs, for worms." 961 00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,440 You get ten points. Very, very, very well done. 962 00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:21,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 963 00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:28,960 At the top of the advert, it says, "Sugar plumbs, for worms," 964 00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:31,280 and it was thought to be a cure for intestinal worms. 965 00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:34,640 It was widely believed they might kill the tooth worms, as well, 966 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:35,960 that caused toothache. 967 00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:37,840 So, well spotted, darling. 968 00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:39,400 Yeah, I read it all. 969 00:42:39,400 --> 00:42:42,720 No, I love that you've actually remembered something. Um... 970 00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:44,880 Now it's time to look at our scores. 971 00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:48,480 Let's see who's top of the nice list and who's on thin ice. 972 00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:51,240 Pretty sure I nailed this. LAUGHTER 973 00:42:51,240 --> 00:42:54,360 Joy to the world - in first place, with 16 points, 974 00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:56,040 it's Alan. 975 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:58,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 976 00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:08,760 Don't worry, ski happy - in second place, with minus nine, 977 00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:10,600 it's Julian. 978 00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:12,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 979 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:16,920 SNOWbody's perfect - in third place, with -27, 980 00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:18,480 Fatiha! 981 00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 982 00:43:22,720 --> 00:43:27,480 And in last place, a lost CLAUS, with -29, 983 00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:28,600 Jimmy! 984 00:43:28,600 --> 00:43:31,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 985 00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:39,400 So it's a big thank you to Fatiha, Jimmy, Julian and Alan, 986 00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:42,360 and a very merry Christmas from all of us. 987 00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:44,880 Let's all go and join the choir and sing. 988 00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:46,600 Off you go, people. 989 00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:12,040 Merry Christmas, everybody! 990 00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:13,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE