1 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:20,640 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:35,800 Hello! And welcome to another QI compilation show. 3 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:39,640 I've cued up my favourite questions from the quixotic quagmire 4 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:43,040 of Series Q. After all, it's about quality, not quantity. 5 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,400 LAUGHTER 6 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,280 How good are you at multitasking? 7 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:47,840 Excellent. 8 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,120 KLAXON Excellent. 9 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:52,160 OK. Here we go. 10 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,480 Oh, I see. Yeah. I didn't know I was going to be tested on it. 11 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,760 LAUGHTER 12 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,240 You just volunteered yourself, OK. 13 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:02,360 So, I want you to take this stack from here and recreate it exactly 14 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:05,320 the same on this one, and you have to move them one at a time, OK. 15 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,320 Oh, great. But while you're doing it, 16 00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:09,760 I want you to recite the alphabet backwards. Ooh! 17 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,680 Well, I can't do that anyway. 18 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,320 LAUGHTER Ah. 19 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,600 I mean, I don't think I can do it forwards, like. 20 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,200 A, B... 21 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,240 No, no, so you don't understand how the game functions, um... 22 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:21,800 LAUGHTER 23 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:23,800 Are we going to find out that Andrew's a toddler? 24 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,280 LAUGHTER 25 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,200 Just took them off and put them on the counter. 26 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,720 And said, "A, B." 27 00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:31,560 A, B, C... 28 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,080 It's not backwards, though, is it? I can't do it backwards! 29 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:35,920 No, Z! Z! 30 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,800 And put them on the middle one! 31 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,120 LAUGHTER 32 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:42,200 Listen to me. Here we go again. Z, Y... 33 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,480 Keep them on the post. Go backwards. X... 34 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,960 Move them one at a time. No! Middle one. 35 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,000 What's wrong with this one? No, don't help him! 36 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,760 I love this, because as I said... 37 00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:54,760 Z, Y, X, W... 38 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,400 LAUGHTER V... 39 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,880 AUDIENCE: U! U... 40 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,000 OK, you're not supposed to get any help! 41 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,200 Don't pretend you can do this! 42 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,640 So why did you say, why did you say that you are good at multitasking? 43 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:10,640 I'm a man and I like to brag. 44 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,680 LAUGHTER 45 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,000 I had a moment on a flight last week, actually, 46 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,480 when I was flying from Aberdeen to Shetland. 47 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,280 And I was with my tour manager, who's also a big chap, 48 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,480 and we sit next to each other, because we're pals. 49 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:24,640 And there was hardly anyone else on the flight, 50 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:27,680 it was only a small plane. And the stewardess came over and she said, 51 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,840 Mr Manford, Mr Isaacs, she said, would you mind separating 52 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:34,040 and sitting on either side of the plane? 53 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,760 LAUGHTER 54 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,160 Oh, no! 55 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:40,000 Weight distribution. Weight distribution?! 56 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:43,120 You're as heavy as a wing. 57 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,480 LAUGHTER 58 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,440 What, so he's going to land like this if it's...?! 59 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:50,040 Well, that's what you should have done. We will at the start, 60 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,440 but during the flight we're going to set you a series of challenges. 61 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,760 LAUGHTER 62 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,600 Zigzagging about the plane. 63 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,720 First time in the history of the world where turbulence is a person. 64 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,560 LAUGHTER 65 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:07,120 When you're a doctor, you only have to know how one like organism works. 66 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:10,120 But when you're a vet... Yes. ..people come in with like, 67 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,160 "Oh, my stick insect's got eczema." 68 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,880 And then someone else is like, "This horse is going to explode!" 69 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,120 LAUGHTER 70 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,680 It's going to blow! 71 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,440 Is it ticking? 72 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:26,120 That's the ultimate Trojan Horse, isn't it? Yes. 73 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,000 LAUGHTER 74 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,280 I think animals are like cars, they all work the same way, really. 75 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,240 We've spent a fortune on my cat. 76 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,240 I've spent over £1,000 in the last two years on my cat. 77 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:39,160 £1,000? Trying to make it into a dog. 78 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:41,120 LAUGHTER 79 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,960 APPLAUSE 80 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:50,160 What's wrong with the bloody thing, apart from it's a cat? 81 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:51,320 LAUGHTER 82 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,320 They're hard to come by, cats, aren't they, after all? 83 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,120 LAUGHTER 84 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:59,080 You know those bits of elastic they keep chicken legs together 85 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,560 like that? It swallowed one of those and it went all through its system 86 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,840 tied up like, like tied it all up, like... 87 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,040 Anyway, she died, so that's fine. 88 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,720 LAUGHTER 89 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,960 Oh, my God. OK. 90 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,560 Well, I wasn't going to pay a grand, you know. 91 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,680 LAUGHTER 92 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,120 APPLAUSE 93 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,320 Up until 1826, the Palace of Westminster kept 94 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,560 all its financial records on something called tally sticks. 95 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:33,240 So, you had a stick and you split it in two when you issued a debt. 96 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,120 And when the payment was made, 97 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,040 the two sticks were tied back together again. Wow. 98 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,600 But eventually, of course, paper records superseded 99 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:43,720 the need for these, and now they'd got a lot of old wood. 100 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:47,160 So, they decided to get rid of it. The obvious idea was to burn it. 101 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,760 So, on the 16th of October 1834, the Clerk of the Works, 102 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,560 who's in various records called Mr Whibley or Mr Woebley, 103 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,640 he ordered two cartloads of these tally sticks to be burnt. 104 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,520 Mr Wibbly Wobbly? Mr Wobbly Wobbly, yes. 105 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,080 IN AUTHORITATIVE VOICE: Mr Wibbly Wobbly, get rid of the sticks. 106 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,400 LAUGHTER 107 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:07,600 Don't, no, don't, Mr Wibbly Wobbly. "OK then, OK then. 108 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,440 "Rid of the sticks you want." 109 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:10,840 LAUGHTER 110 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:14,120 So, Mr Whibley Woebley decided to burn two cart-loads of these 111 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:17,040 tally sticks in the basement stoves at the Palace of Westminster. 112 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,920 And the resulting fire burnt down both the House of Lords 113 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,200 and the House of Commons. LAUGHTER 114 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,440 What an idiot Mr Whibley Woebley was. 115 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,080 Yeah, didn't feel good about it. He should have known. Yeah. 116 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,400 IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "What have I done?!" 117 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,560 LAUGHTER 118 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,800 "Who did you entrust this job to?" 119 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,840 "Now, don't get angry..." 120 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:40,840 And it had better not have been Mr Wibbly Wobbly. 121 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,560 So, here is a nice thing, apart from the toad sausages. 122 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,480 One of the ways they are thinking now of saving the quoll is to turn 123 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,120 them into pets. There are people who say that you should have them 124 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:51,600 instead of a cat, and in fact they're rather sweet. 125 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,000 They can be trained, they can use a litter tray. 126 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,760 They weigh about the same. 127 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,840 Yeah, sweet, really sweet! 128 00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,000 LAUGHTER 129 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,800 HE SCREECHES LOUDLY 130 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:03,920 HE SCREECHES 131 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,160 LAUGHTER 132 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,400 If you've got your foot sticking out from under the duvet, 133 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,680 and that gets hold of you. LAUGHTER 134 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,200 Ooooh, oooh, oooh! 135 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,720 They do have the second biggest bite force quotient. 136 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,400 LAUGHTER 137 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:21,240 So, how hard they can bite relative to their size, of any animal... 138 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,040 Good for children, then. Yeah. 139 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,960 Second only to the Tasmanian devil. 140 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,360 Oh, my God! 141 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,440 What's the one on the right doing to the one on the right? 142 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:31,720 LAUGHTER 143 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,680 I think he... I believe that's the beginning of improv. 144 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,360 LAUGHTER 145 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,640 The one on the left's not keen on it. No. 146 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,320 Second left's going, "Look at him! Look at him!" 147 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,400 LAUGHTER 148 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,080 "Look at him or I will torch you!" 149 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,120 LAUGHTER 150 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,560 Anyway, there used to be a thing called the Group of 60, 151 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,480 and they were Athenian wits who got together and exchanged jokes. 152 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,680 And so, one of the ways you would tell a joke in Athens, 153 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,800 you would say, "The 60 said," and so on. 154 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:04,040 But the very first joke book that Europe ever had was published by? 155 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,760 Anybody have a guess? We are talking in the mid-1400s. 156 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,440 Ladybird. Well... 157 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:09,760 LAUGHTER 158 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,560 The Vatican... Oh. ..published. 159 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:14,240 It was utterly obscene. They had... What?! 160 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:17,080 They had a sort of joke club called the Bugiale, 161 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:19,320 it was literally a fib factory. 162 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:22,840 There was a Papal secretary called Poggio Bracciolini, and he kept 163 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:27,280 a record of all these jokes, and he published it, 273 puns and jokes, 164 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,240 mostly the usual stuff - farts, erections, obesity, drunkenness. 165 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,720 He's rubbish at reading, isn't he? Look at him. Yeah. 166 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,120 LAUGHTER 167 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,960 MOCK ITALIAN ACCENT: "Excuse me, is that Athena? 168 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,680 "The frame of my picture has fallen on my head." 169 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,520 LAUGHTER 170 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:52,040 For what sort of business would you want to use a queer plunger? 171 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,400 LAUGHTER 172 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,320 I once had a nightmare with a plunger. 173 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,560 LAUGHTER 174 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,840 So, we had a New Year's Eve party, 175 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,320 and then the next day our toilet was blocked. Mm. 176 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,800 And I thought, "Oh, I'll nail this." 177 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,440 I'd never used a plunger before. Right. They're difficult to use. 178 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,640 Yeah, I thought, I'll just whack it down there. 179 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,240 Whacked it down and it suctioned just onto the bottom 180 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,760 of the toilet, brought it up, all I had was the piece of stick. 181 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,200 LAUGHTER 182 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,000 And now I didn't just have to unblock the toilet, 183 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,880 I had to get my hand in there to get the... Oh! 184 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:30,880 LAUGHTER 185 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,360 What can't I hear you do in space? 186 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,520 LAUGHTER 187 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:40,680 Screaming? Sound? 188 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:41,800 KLAXON 189 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,080 JOE LAUGHS 190 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,640 So you CAN hear screaming, then? 191 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:51,680 Well, it's a vacuum, right, sound can't reverberate. 192 00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,240 But there are conditions where you COULD hear a scream, 193 00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,680 and that is what I'm going to come to. Oh! She got you there! 194 00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,480 No, she has not got me there, 195 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,880 because the question I was presented by my learned friend, 196 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:04,680 was, "What can't we hear in space?" 197 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,960 And so scream, and I said, "Because space is completely silent," 198 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,040 which HE said, and I went, "Did I just talk to myself?!" No. 199 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:14,600 Because I thought I just said that! What I did not say, 200 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:17,200 what you... Oh, God, I wish I was in space! 201 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,640 LAUGHTER 202 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:20,080 APPLAUSE 203 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,800 I did not say what you might be wearing. 204 00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,400 Oh, well, for the love of God, Sandi! 205 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,000 LAUGHTER 206 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,800 This is like the worst... And this picture was a clue. 207 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,200 So, sound is caused by the vibration of molecules, 208 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,360 and if you didn't have a space suit on, it would be almost impossible 209 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:43,920 to hear anything at all. However, astronauts CAN talk to each other 210 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:46,760 by touching helmets. So... 211 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,560 LAUGHTER 212 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,400 APPLAUSE 213 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,240 I'm all for it, ta-ra! 214 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:00,920 So the sound vibrations, they travel through the air 215 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,880 inside the space suits and inside the glass, enough for them 216 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,280 to be able to communicate with raised voices. And in fact, 217 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,040 Nasa teach this to the astronauts as a sort of backup, 218 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,800 in case radio communication fails. Sure. So, we're going to try it. 219 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,440 Is that why you don't get any lesbians in space? 220 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:15,760 LAUGHTER 221 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:18,320 You've both got, you've both got helmets, pop them on. 222 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,920 This feels really bad. 223 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,840 They're enormous, much bigger than mine! 224 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,360 LAUGHTER 225 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:29,880 APPLAUSE 226 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,160 It's much bigger, but mine looks exactly like Susan. 227 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,120 Stand up and... LAUGHTER 228 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:41,240 Stand up and touch helmets and see if you can, if it helps you to hear. 229 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,240 Now talk to each other. Hello. 230 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,280 I've always loved you! 231 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:46,840 LAUGHTER 232 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,040 HELMETS BANG I'd just like... 233 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,280 LAUGHTER 234 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,600 Does it make, does it make a difference? Hello. Hello. 235 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,880 Hello. Not really, Sandi, I'll be honest. 236 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,120 LAUGHTER 237 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,280 We can't hear you! 238 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:08,080 Can I take it off now? No. Yeah, no, go ahead, go ahead. 239 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,320 Could you feel the vibrations through the helmets? 240 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,960 SUSAN GASPS I don't think I could really hear, 241 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,000 but I don't really understand her at the best of times, so... No... 242 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:17,440 LAUGHTER 243 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,040 Would you like to meet Vomiting Larry? 244 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,960 No. LAUGHTER 245 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,400 What? Have you got a thing about vomit? I'm just closing my eyes, 246 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,120 you continue. No, no, we're not actually going to show vomit, 247 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,160 we're just going to talk about it a lot. 248 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,040 Oh, I thought somebody called Larry was just going to come and be sick. 249 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,440 LAUGHTER 250 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,800 It's going to be a volcano or some kind of weird beetle 251 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:40,480 or something. Of course! 252 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,880 It's not a volcano, it is a humanoid simulated vomiting system, 253 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,720 developed by the UK's Health and Safety Laboratory in Derbyshire 254 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,240 by researcher Dr Cat Makison Booth. 255 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:53,640 And there is Cat and there is Vomiting Larry. Oh, sorry. Hello! 256 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,280 APPLAUSE 257 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,560 Cat, I believe that Larry can vomit on command. He can. 258 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,800 Why would you invent such a thing? 259 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,320 So, we're looking at infection transmission, 260 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:12,280 so we want to identify how far vomit spreads, so that we can help 261 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,520 clear it all back up again and prevent transmission of fluid. 262 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,000 Presumably, I'm going to guess, it's further than we think 263 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,720 the little pool of vomit...? Yeah, it'd kind of fill, 264 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,840 with all the droplets and splash, most of this bit of the studio. 265 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:25,320 No! Wow! 266 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,680 Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to see it, so when you come to 267 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,000 clean up the main bulk, you'd stand in it, spread it everywhere. 268 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,160 So you're just carrying on spreading, even when you think 269 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,960 you've cleaned it all up? Yeah, yeah. Why is he called Larry? 270 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,720 Because the head of the system is called Airway Larry. 271 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,680 So, it's for when medical students are practising laryngoscopies. 272 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,600 Yeah, obviously. So, that's where the Larry came from. Oh! 273 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:47,120 But do the medical students not provide enough vomit? I mean... 274 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,400 LAUGHTER 275 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,840 They can't do it on command, so, you know. Yeah. 276 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,480 It has to be one, two, three, go. Yeah. Like that. 277 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,400 OK, so, now, we can't have Larry actually vomit, 278 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,320 you'll be very pleased to know. However... 279 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,960 ALAN CHANTS: Vomit, vomit! 280 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,080 LAUGHTER 281 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,800 Come on, Laurence! We do have a film of Larry. 282 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,160 We're going to have the film without sound, 283 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:11,680 but if any of you lovely people would like to join in and create 284 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,400 the sounds that you imagine Larry might make, then help yourselves. 285 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,960 Why, of course. Yeah. Let's have a look. 286 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,520 You only had to ask once! Here we go. 287 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,240 ALAN GROANS AND RETCHES 288 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,440 LAUGHTER 289 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,560 Urgh, I'm dying! 290 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,520 LAUGHTER 291 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,120 Arghhhhhhhhh.... 292 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,520 It's coming out of my arse as well! 293 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,280 LAUGHTER 294 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,880 APPLAUSE 295 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,920 You know when you're being sick and you can't turn round quick 296 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,680 enough, cos you know it's going to... 297 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:45,840 LAUGHTER 298 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,800 Oh, no! Oh, no! No! 299 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,120 LAUGHTER 300 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,200 HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES 301 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,240 Argh, argh, God! 302 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,040 Flush it, flush, flush it! 303 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,240 LAUGHTER 304 00:13:58,240 --> 00:13:59,960 Cat, I'm so sorry, darling. 305 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,440 LAUGHTER 306 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,560 Here's another interesting fashion for royals. 307 00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:06,720 Louis XIV, he had a fashion that courtiers should have 308 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,680 one long fingernail. Why was that? 309 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,720 My husband's got one special toenail for scratching his eczema. 310 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,800 It's awful, isn't it? LAUGHTER 311 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,400 That's genuinely true! 312 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,040 Is that the sort of thing you were after? 313 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,480 LAUGHTER 314 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:27,720 I feel in this show, you and I are in danger of over-sharing. 315 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:31,960 And you seem to be fine with that, though. That's... 316 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,640 Yeah, as long as he keeps it to himself, I'm all right. 317 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:38,480 Right. Yeah, yeah. He hasn't really, has he, now? No. 318 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,000 LAUGHTER 319 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,360 He's only told me quite recently, and we've been together 320 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,440 for nearly 15 years. LAUGHTER 321 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,000 So there's nothing I can do about it now, is what I'm saying. 322 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,120 I'm stuck with it. Except maybe pay more attention in the future. 323 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,360 LAUGHTER 324 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,560 So, the one long fingernail, what do we reckon? 325 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:59,080 Is that a cane that he's leaning on, or is that the fingernail? 326 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,640 LAUGHTER 327 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,360 I want that to be. No, he didn't have the fingernail, 328 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,000 it was the courtiers... Everyone else had to have the fingernail? 329 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,880 Yes. Was it to do with his anus? Let me just get that out of my head. 330 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,000 LAUGHTER 331 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,840 What are you doing in your head?! 332 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,000 I'm just imagining... 333 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,520 SARAH SQUEALS AND LAUGHS 334 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,000 GROANING 335 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:30,160 That is your takeaway from this show! 336 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:34,720 A pulsating termite and a fingernail up Louis XIV's arse. Now... 337 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,040 LAUGHTER 338 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,040 So, he, in this... 339 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,320 LAUGHTER 340 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,880 In this reality, he said, "I want any of you to be ready." 341 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,160 Yeah. 342 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:48,160 "There's no telling who I'm going to ask to stick their fingernail 343 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,960 "up my anus." No, it's... 344 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,400 "So I want you all to grow it. 345 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:55,040 "I don't want it to be a specialism, I want to say, "You, now! 346 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,200 "Up there!" LAUGHTER 347 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,720 Why might you put a mirror next to a lift? 348 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,880 Any thoughts about this? We're talking about waiting. 349 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,800 Next to a lift or in a lift? No, next to it. 350 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,600 It's to do with you looking at yourself. 351 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,760 People dislike waiting in line, but they do like looking at themselves. 352 00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:14,480 People don't complain if the lift takes a long time to arrive 353 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,720 if they can constantly see themselves. 354 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,320 I love this picture, though. So, we had an experiment to see 355 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,880 if we could recreate this with all of you. So let's have a look. 356 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,640 Are we able to do that? There, what do you think? Whoa... 357 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,480 I know. Ooh, it's Top Of The Pops from the '70s. 358 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,120 LAUGHTER 359 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,600 It's so good. 360 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,000 Love it. 361 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,200 LAUGHTER 362 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,640 It's like a giant centipede. 363 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:48,600 That is brilliant. That's really good fun. Wow! 364 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,720 Can we do like, can we do like the swimming thing, where we go... 365 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,280 LAUGHTER 366 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:54,880 APPLAUSE 367 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,720 This is beginning to look like a Bollywood movie. 368 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,440 LAUGHTER 369 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,440 Have you heard about the carrot swindle? 370 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,080 Do you know about the carrot swindle? What's the carrot swindle? 371 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,960 When you go to your self-serve checkout, 372 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:19,400 everything you put on for "weigh", you just press "carrots". 373 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,240 Really? Yeah. What, so you'll be like buying an anvil 374 00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,600 and you'd press "carrot"? Yeah, so, you put down... 375 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,200 What's an expensive vegetable? 376 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,800 Prosecco. 377 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,600 LAUGHTER 378 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:36,880 So, are you putting everything through as carrots? 379 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,480 I'M not doing it, Josh, I'm a very honest customer. 380 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,720 Where did you learn this? From a reindeer. 381 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:45,920 No, it's because, what they found, the supermarkets, 382 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,680 the reason they started to become suspicious, 383 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:52,240 was because they were selling millions of tonnes of carrots. 384 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:55,080 And yet thousands and thousands of bottles of Prosecco 385 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,680 were being stolen. Yeah. LAUGHTER 386 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,400 Wow! So they started to watch people, and sure enough, 387 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,720 people were just putting all their washing on the thing, 388 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,000 pressing "carrots" and putting it in... All their "washing"? 389 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,320 LAUGHTER 390 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,160 ALAN MIMICS REWINDING 391 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,520 People were putting all their SHOPPING on the thing, 392 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,440 pressing "carrots", and they've got six bags, they've paid 12 quid. 393 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,520 Theft from self-service tills has doubled in the last four years, 394 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,720 so you should not put this information out there. 395 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,560 I'm doing it for Sainsbury's. Yes. But Alan, Alan, 396 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,200 when you put your washing on, what should you press? 397 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,400 LAUGHTER 398 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:31,680 So, you've each got a quilt and a cover. 399 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,360 Right. Oh. 400 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,600 So, we're going to have a very quick competition... 401 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:39,360 Couldn't be easier. ..to see who can be quickest. 402 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:42,160 Hang on, hang on, I haven't undone the bow yet. I haven't got my key. 403 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,320 Get your quilt out. 404 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,000 We're going to do it all at the same time. Wait, wait, wait. OK. 405 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,200 Are you ready? Is everybody...? 406 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:52,760 I can't find my opening, Sandi! 407 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,840 Hang on, can we open it, where do we start from? 408 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,600 I can't find my thing. OK, ready? One, two, three, go! 409 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,320 Oh, no, I'm not ready, I'm not ready! I'm nowhere near ready! 410 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,320 Oh, my God! 411 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,080 LAUGHTER 412 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,480 No, I can't do it, I can't do it! Hang on, mine's buttoned up. 413 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,920 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 414 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,640 The girls have got it! 415 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,680 Hang on, hang on, mine's buttoned up! 416 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,080 CHEERING 417 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,640 Yours didn't have buttons on it. 418 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:24,080 Mine's buttoned up, that's not fair. 419 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,040 Jimmy! Yes? 420 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,080 LAUGHTER 421 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,440 Darling, I... 422 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,760 He has staff to do it for him. 423 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,760 Are you all right there, darling? Mind your hair. 424 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,520 LAUGHTER 425 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,120 What happened?! APPLAUSE 426 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:43,760 I think it's all right. 427 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,640 I did, yeah, I mean, wow. 428 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,760 Come here. I think I'm not the only one who's amazed it stayed on. 429 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,400 LAUGHTER 430 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,840 Let's talk about a different kind of queue, so when you are on the phone. 431 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,640 Oh, yeah. What's the worst thing about that, do you reckon? 432 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,320 It's when the computer doesn't get your accent, I get that a lot. 433 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,600 I used to ring the Odeon film line. 434 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,960 I used to work for them, be careful. The Odeon film line, to find out... 435 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,160 This is going back, isn't it, to find out...? Yeah, it is. 436 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,960 That's the job I had. Find out the times of the films... 437 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,280 This is even before DVDs. Yes. LAUGHTER 438 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,960 They'd say, which Odeon cinema are you interested in? 439 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,680 Yeah. And I would say "Holloway". 440 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,720 Yeah. And it would say, "Did you say Manchester?" Every time! 441 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:26,880 LAUGHTER 442 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,960 That's exactly it. No similarity between the two words! 443 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:32,440 There's almost no letters that are the same! 444 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:33,640 LAUGHTER 445 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,840 But actually, that was just one of us. 446 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,400 LAUGHTER 447 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:43,360 They'd say, "Bolton." Did you say "Baghdad?" 448 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:44,520 LAUGHTER 449 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,280 Ancient Greek kylix. So, this is a wonderful thing. 450 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,880 It's a shallow drinking cup for wine. 451 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,200 It's similar to one of these cups, but it had obscene pictures 452 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,880 painted on the inside, which were gradually revealed. 453 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,080 SHE GASPS 454 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,480 We've censored this, because, you know. 455 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,680 And they would have things like a couple having sex, 456 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:08,680 a man wiping his bottom. 457 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,240 Naked people. 458 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,280 And then an "eyecup". So, it's a wide mug with eyes 459 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:16,200 and sometimes a nose painted on the outside, and it looked like you were 460 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,920 wearing a mask when you drank it. 461 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,360 And sometimes they painted ships on the inside, 462 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:23,040 so it looked like the ships were sailing on the wine as you drank it. 463 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,400 I think we should have more fun with cups. Yeah. 464 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,720 How great that you're drinking, you're getting pissed, 465 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,120 and at the bottom of the cup is something that you're probably 466 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:32,760 going to do. You know, when you've been drinking. 467 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:35,040 Like an instruction manual? Yes. Like, "You know what, 468 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:37,640 "this is where this is heading." Ooh. I feel like that kind of 469 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,960 cuts to the chase. I would be really annoyed, though, 470 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,000 if I got to the end of my cup and I was like, 471 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,440 "So, what, now I have to learn the flute as well?" 472 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,000 LAUGHTER 473 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,200 APPLAUSE 474 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:52,240 OK, so I just want to see what kind of audience we have in tonight. 475 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,920 Who would like us to remove the pixels? Put your hands up. 476 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,080 CHEERING 477 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,160 Who's quite happy with it being censored? 478 00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,320 LAUGHTER 479 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,080 Oh, my. No-one at all! 480 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:09,280 All right, let's remove the pixels and see what's behind. 481 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,360 It's going to be a flute. Literally nothing. 482 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:13,080 AUDIENCE GROANS 483 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,920 Genuine disappointment. What a tease! 484 00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:17,680 Especially for him. 485 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,760 LAUGHTER 486 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:23,320 Our queuing advice is to really rile people up by ignoring 487 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,880 the instructions at an airport and standing on the left 488 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,000 of an underground escalator. 489 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,280 AUDIENCE: Ooooh! 490 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,920 That's really upset you. No, no, no, no, no. 491 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,560 That's the only thing I care about after Brexit. Yeah. 492 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:36,800 LAUGHTER 493 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,840 Well, that's only down here that that's a problem. 494 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,120 That is London, that is real London, yeah. It's only London. 495 00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:43,600 It's not even a, it's not even questioned anywhere else, 496 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:45,960 you can stand wherever you want. You stand wherever you want? 497 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,920 Yeah, it's not a thing. LAUGHTER 498 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:51,640 It's just a thing down here. You stand on the right. 499 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:54,440 Not in anywhere else. Fucking stand on the right! 500 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,040 LAUGHTER 501 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,520 APPLAUSE 502 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,640 What's your normal temperature? 503 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,080 Isn't it lower if you're a woman than a man? 504 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:09,000 Slightly higher for a woman. Slightly higher. 505 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,080 Yeah, it was one or the other, wasn't it? Yes. Yeah. 506 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,640 LAUGHTER 507 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:16,920 Save it. Just go either way with that, Aisling. Damn it! 508 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:19,360 Because you know there's that stereotype of like, 509 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,720 "Turn up the heating." "But I'm too hot, babes." 510 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,400 It is an issue that office temperatures are set 511 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,880 to male averages. Yeah. As opposed to female averages. 512 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,200 Do you know a fact about Christine Lagarde, who's the head of... 513 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,200 I don't know ANY facts about Christine Lagarde. 514 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:34,360 Oh, well, you're about to bloody get one, Sandi, let's swap chairs! 515 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:37,160 Um.... LAUGHTER 516 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,520 Can I have your glasses for a second? Yeah, there you go. 517 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,160 Do you want some cards...? Yeah. 518 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,400 Oh, no, that's got all the answers on. Here, have that. 519 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,280 LAUGHTER 520 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:46,800 APPLAUSE 521 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,960 IMPERSONATING SANDI: Of course, the interesting thing 522 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:51,600 about Christine Lagarde that she used to do, was, um... 523 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,040 LAUGHTER 524 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,920 Please stop laughing, darling, I'm trying to go through the fact. 525 00:23:57,920 --> 00:23:59,840 LAUGHTER 526 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:02,480 What's the most dangerous thing to do in bed? 527 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,240 Tell the truth. 528 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:05,880 LAUGHTER 529 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:07,920 APPLAUSE 530 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,320 Anybody else? 531 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:15,880 Reverse cowgirl? 532 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,200 KLAXON 533 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:20,600 Really?! Really? 534 00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:24,200 They had that locked and loaded?! 535 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,400 There was some suggestion you might say that, darling. 536 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,640 Is it a particular favourite? Yeah, how did you know? 537 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:33,320 LAUGHTER 538 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:36,920 Am I the only person who noticed that you said "DVD"? 539 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,520 I did say DVD, yeah. Who uses DVDs? 540 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,080 Whoa, what?! LAUGHTER 541 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:43,960 What? Me! 542 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,320 Unbelievable! 543 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,160 Everyone just glanced over that, 544 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,600 like that wasn't a crazy thing to say, like. 545 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,360 You said DVDs! I'm still on VHS, son. Yeah. 546 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,360 I played a cassette only yesterday, and you know what happened? 547 00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:00,480 It got stuck. Of course it did! 548 00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:02,520 Do you remember when cassettes used to stretch 549 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,280 if you'd played them for too long? 550 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,440 You'd get a little pencil, a little pencil inside. 551 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,800 Oh, the good times. Those were the days. 552 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,840 Or they'd get stuck, you'd be driving and you'd pop one out 553 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,920 while you're driving and then the whole of the tape... 554 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:16,920 LAUGHTER 555 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,840 It's my best tape! 556 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,080 Don't pull it, don't pull it, don't pull! 557 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,240 I can't pull over, it's the M4! Get it out, get it out! 558 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,920 Get it out with a pencil! Get it out! Now wind it on, wind it on! 559 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,880 Oh, come on, you're four years old, you can do this! 560 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:32,120 LAUGHTER 561 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:39,120 Anybody have a mnemonic to remember the planets in order? Yes. 562 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:42,280 It's Mercury, Venus... LAUGHTER 563 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:46,680 Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune. 564 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,960 Thank you, darling, that's perfect. That is the order, and... 565 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,960 Pluto doesn't count, it's actually a Disney character. 566 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:54,760 Yes, that's right. 567 00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:57,760 That is the order of the planets, and one is often taught it 568 00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:01,000 at school. So, "Many Volcanoes Emit Mulberry Jam Sandwiches 569 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,680 "Under Normal Pressure." 570 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:05,520 Or, "My Very Easy Method Just Speeds Up Naming Planets." 571 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,200 So there were... I couldn't get past vagina, though. 572 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:09,440 LAUGHTER 573 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,320 I've got "Moist Vagina Expected - Might Just Steam Up Nightie." 574 00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:14,040 LAUGHTER 575 00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:17,960 APPLAUSE 576 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:23,240 So, so, weirdly, that's probably the one I'm going to remember... 577 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,240 LAUGHTER 578 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,600 Anybody else? Alice, have you got one? Mine's quite depressing. OK. 579 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:32,320 "Mum's Vacant Expression Means Jane Sulks Unless Noticed." 580 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:33,840 LAUGHTER 581 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,840 Wow, you were a jolly girl at school. 582 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:40,360 My favourite is, "Mary's Virgin Explanation Made Joseph Suspect 583 00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:42,440 "Upstairs Neighbour." 584 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:43,880 LAUGHTER 585 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,240 APPLAUSE 586 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:54,400 Right, Alan and Aisling, I have got an EastEnders-style script for you. 587 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,800 I'm actually going to take a small part in this myself. Ooh! 588 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:01,040 I know. So, you know, big gestures, big pausing. 589 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:02,720 Here we go. OK. 590 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:06,320 IN COCKNEY ACCENT: Oh, Aisling, I'm 'aving some real Barney Rubble 591 00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:08,320 with me old trouble and strife! 592 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:09,720 LAUGHTER 593 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,200 She found... 594 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:20,560 LAUGHTER 595 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:24,240 ..a pair of your Alan Whickers in my Lucy Locket! 596 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:25,560 LAUGHTER 597 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:30,720 IN GRUFF VOICE: Oh, Alan! 598 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:32,120 LAUGHTER 599 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,040 APPLAUSE 600 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:39,960 You absolute doughnut. 601 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,920 You need to be more careful. 602 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:46,960 Now! Woss this all abou'?! 603 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,760 LAUGHTER 604 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,400 Stay out of this! You cow! 605 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:54,080 You, it's you, it's you. This time... 606 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:55,240 LAUGHTER 607 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,120 Stay out of this, you cow! You're not me mum! 608 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:00,160 SANDI GASPS 609 00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:01,800 Actually... 610 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:02,960 LAUGHTER 611 00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:07,320 LAUGHTER 612 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:08,680 ..she is. 613 00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,320 EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS 614 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,720 APPLAUSE 615 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:15,640 And that's all from QI tonight. 616 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:18,840 I leave you with a quip from French poet Joseph Rue. 617 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:22,320 "A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit 618 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:25,440 "and a pebble in the hand of a fool." Goodnight. 619 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:26,880 APPLAUSE