1 00:00:01,640 --> 00:00:03,119 (GROANING) 2 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:10,152 DANNY: You know sometimes I wish 3 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,994 I'd never heard the name, James Whittaker Wright. 4 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,508 DANNY: There I am, just minding me own business, 5 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:07,993 running a little short con with Stace. All of a sudden he shows up. 6 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:14,593 - The old ring scam, eh? - Not now, mate. I'm busy. 7 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:18,389 Oh, come on, she's still roping in the mark. 8 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,074 You got time for a little action. 9 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:26,075 Or are you too wet behind the ears to try your hand against a real crossroader? 10 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,199 Shoot. 11 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:35,275 I want to bet you I can bite my own eye. 12 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:41,475 All right. I'll have a little bit of that. 13 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:46,111 I'll tell you why I'll have a little bit of that, because it can't be done. 14 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,152 I don't believe it. 15 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:05,795 What the hell are you doing? 16 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,440 The mark's all ready to go, and you're sitting here drinking coffee. 17 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,432 Just having a chat with me new best mate. 18 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:14,398 What does the lady want to bet I can't bite my own eye? 19 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,392 Oh, don't be ridiculous. You've obviously got a glass one. 20 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,631 This guy must think we're complete idiots. 21 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:25,311 - Yeah, now. - James Whittaker Wright III. 22 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:29,396 Adiós, muchachos. 23 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:32,718 Adiós, freak. 24 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:45,992 (PEOPLE CHATTERING) 25 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,829 My friends call me JW3, and you know what? 26 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,673 You are the absolute spit of my own boy. 27 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,552 Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Listen. 28 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,279 If you put the bets on as well, we might be able to cut you in. 29 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:10,395 Oh, sure. 30 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:15,508 I swear I haven't seen my son for 30 years, but if he's turned out anything like you, 31 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,876 oh, I'd be the happiest man in town. Yes, sir. 32 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:22,191 - Yes, good, thank you, yeah. If you could... - Slim chance of that though. 33 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,829 I was always out grifting or slam-dunked in the slammer. 34 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:29,196 - Poor little bastard never had a chance. - Oh, dear, if you could just... 35 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:32,875 But you know what really hurt? When his mom walked out, 36 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:37,750 I never even had a chance to say goodbye to the boy. 37 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:46,636 If I could just... If I could just say goodbye to someone who looks a bit like my boy, 38 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,951 - maybe I could get, like, closure? - Fine, yeah, yeah. Whatever you say. 39 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:51,029 (COUGHING) 40 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:53,588 Oh, hold up, you all right? 41 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:56,952 Just a touch of emphysema. 42 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,670 I like to be called Pa. 43 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,514 Goodbye, Son. And good luck. 44 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,351 Goodbye, Dad. Pa. 45 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:18,515 Excuse me. Where are you going? You haven't paid for your dad's chips yet. 46 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:26,955 Well, well, well. James Whittaker Wright III. 47 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:31,639 - Do you know this guy, Albie? - No, no, no, no, but I know the name. 48 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,233 Yeah? How? 49 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,999 James Whittaker Wright I 50 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,390 was either the greatest financier of the Victorian age 51 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,358 or the biggest fraudster in history. 52 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,796 - No one is quite sure. - What he was that good? 53 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,074 Legend has it that he pulled off 54 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,436 the most outrageous cackle-bladder there's ever been. 55 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,711 Apparently, he faked his own death, 56 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,958 standing there just as you are now, in broad daylight, 57 00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,919 surrounded by judge and jury and the officers of the court. 58 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:09,268 ALBERT: Whittaker Wright had been running a scam on the stock exchange, 59 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,430 but the banks double-crossed him. 60 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,432 Accused of fraud and stripped of his assets, 61 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:19,958 James Whittaker Wright was sentenced to 15 years hard labor at the Old Bailey. 62 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:31,228 Always the consummate grifter, however, he had one more trick up his sleeve. 63 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:36,952 As he was being sentenced, he apparently took poison, collapsing dead in court. 64 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:45,919 (INAUDIBLE) 65 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:53,951 But grifting legend states that this was the ultimate cackle-bladder. 66 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,431 He had put himself into a state of suspended animation. 67 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,557 And when the court physician could find no pulse or breath, 68 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,551 he was pronounced dead. 69 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,990 Well, that's great, but who's the geezer with the moody eye? 70 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,230 Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'd like to know. 71 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,312 Now I believe that someone is disrespecting me. 72 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,391 That's the problem when you have my reputation. 73 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,517 You think JW3 is like some gunslinger? 74 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,353 Come in to town to try his hand against the fastest con in the West? 75 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,670 No, no, no, no, no. He's not after our money. 76 00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:27,036 No, no, no, he's sending me a big message, 77 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,714 lit up in six-foot neon lights. 78 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:33,839 Yeah, what's it say? "Kiss my arse, suckers"? 79 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:38,471 No, no, no, it says, "Go to Lea Park, Surrey." 80 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:45,999 Doesn't look like much today. 81 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:49,038 But 100 years ago, it was the glory of the Victorian age. 82 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,270 Oh, blimey, I bet that didn't come cheap. 83 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:55,433 ALBERT: And the whole caboodle was built and paid for by James Whittaker Wright. 84 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,513 - Who was a hustler? - Oh, no, no, let's say a speculator. 85 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:06,075 ALBERT: He was a financial wizard who made a fortune selling big dreams. 86 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:14,233 He began his career peddling phony gold mines to the hungry dreamers 87 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:18,108 who flocked to the Old West in search of El Dorado. 88 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,634 Whittaker Wright had a prodigious talent 89 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:32,157 for selling empty promises to those happy enough to believe them. 90 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,597 You know what? I'm actually starting to like this guy. 91 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,548 Yeah. My great-grandpappy sure had style. 92 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:42,994 I see you got my message. 93 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:44,513 Well, any grifter would be intrigued 94 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,592 to learn more about the legendary J. Whittaker Wright. 95 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:50,075 If you're talking about cons in the American West, 96 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,355 my grandpappy pretty much wrote the book. 97 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,078 So why did he come to the UK? 98 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,720 Yeah, sounds like he was doing pretty good over there. 99 00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:00,031 Nickels and dimes. The big money was in the city. 100 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,509 My grandpappy reckoned that he could make a bundle 101 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:06,912 floating his dummy gold mine companies on the London Stock Exchange. 102 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,472 Whittaker Wright took the banks for millions. 103 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:14,394 Until banks like Cornfoots conspired against him to bring about his downfall. 104 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:15,754 Sadly true. 105 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:21,597 So, I'm gonna avenge my grandpappy and commemorate his greatest con. 106 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:27,312 - What do you say, huh, partner? - Partner? 107 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:32,754 No, I thought this was pistols at dawn and one breakfast. 108 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,714 I had to get your attention somehow. 109 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,310 - Well, I only come as part of a team. - Oh, fine. 110 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,713 But if you've just trained up a bunch of short-order flops, 111 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:46,395 we may have to find ourselves a real crew of hustlers. 112 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,311 How did you track us down? 113 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,356 I heard Albert was in town, 114 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:53,671 so I just checked into the second most expensive casino in London 115 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,991 and waited for you to mosey along. 116 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:02,149 Ah, right, so where's the first most expensive casino, then? 117 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,074 The London Stock Exchange, of course. 118 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,235 MICKEY: Albert, I'm not sure about JW3. 119 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,276 It's one thing to turn over a crooked individual. 120 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,158 It's quite another to shakedown a merchant bank. 121 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,394 - So the money is scaring you? - Of course it does. 122 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:22,029 We deal in thousands, Albert. They deal in millions. 123 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:27,712 What is the art of the con, Mickey? I mean, to con an ordinary citizen? 124 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:31,037 Ah, no, that's too easy. 125 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:35,678 The true art of the con is to con another con. 126 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:40,631 And some of the biggest tricksters on the planet are in those buildings. 127 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:45,077 They don't care if they cheat some widow out of her pension, 128 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,674 or a family man loses his savings. 129 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:53,073 It's all the same to them, you know, a six figure bonus, a company Merc... 130 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:59,717 Don't you think that they deserve a taste of their own medicine? 131 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,793 - But can we trust JW3? - Of course not. 132 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,470 But we might learn something. 133 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:10,832 Michael, no one has run a con like this in over 100 years. 134 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:14,708 And the only thing we don't know is how and when he intends to double-cross us. 135 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:20,033 - But that's part of the attraction, right? - For a real grifter, it's the only attraction. 136 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:27,110 Okay, the biggest store ever. We're on. 137 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,356 DANNY: So how's this thing going to work, then? 138 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,396 We're going to launch the Chad Mining Company 139 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,233 which will issue shares to fund exploration for oil. 140 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:37,915 Our oil company will be just as phony as Whittaker Wright's gold mines, 141 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,629 and just like him we'll be floating our company on the stock exchange. 142 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,188 We can't do that without a respected merchant bank. 143 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:48,068 So we're going after Cornfoots, the bank that screwed my grandpappy. 144 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,355 Okay. So let's take a look at our marks. 145 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,000 Quenton Cornfoot, Head of Corporate Finance. 146 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:56,868 He's their roper. He romances the clients and brings in the business. 147 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,599 I've taken the liberty of preparing 148 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:04,070 a mock-up of the kind of thing we might be able to do for you. 149 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:10,549 Mr. Lindeman. Please, it's my treat. Can I tempt you to a brandy or a cigar? 150 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,354 MICKEY: And this is Charles Cornfoot, Head of Trading. 151 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:17,839 He's the shakedown artist. 152 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:19,592 Because once you sign up with a merchant bank, 153 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,511 there is a fee for everything, 154 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,273 and they will make their money whatever happens. 155 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:26,950 MICKEY: All banks are greedy, 156 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,591 but Charles Cornfoot has an insatiable appetite for other people's money. 157 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,238 You know, share prices can go down as well as up. 158 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,880 Can I have a glass of your best brandy, please? 159 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,793 Oh, and you'd better bring the cigar box back. 160 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:45,678 MICKEY: Whitaker Wright underestimated the bank's greed. 161 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:49,548 But we're going to use that greed to turn the tables on them. 162 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,598 Stacie, you will be our inside woman, 163 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:55,797 working for the bank as an analyst and feeding information back to us. 164 00:11:55,880 --> 00:12:01,079 And, Ash, you will be our oil expert who sets the rumors running. 165 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,151 And Albert and JW3 will play the parts 166 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:06,471 of the foolish investors who drive up the share price. 167 00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:10,434 Finally, we need someone to front the company. 168 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,959 Ideally, we need a person who's completely obnoxious. 169 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,235 A brash, ignorant flash Harry... 170 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,551 Yeah, a mouthy, full-of-himself, know-nothing barrow boy 171 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,315 who'll instantly get right up the toffee noses of every banker in the city. 172 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,356 Get in there! 173 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,154 Eh? 174 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,837 Oi, easy tiger. 175 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:47,869 - Does sir usually dress to the right? - No, mate. I always vote New Labour. 176 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,953 So swinging to the right it is, then, sir. 177 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:11,113 Morning. Gilbert Manning, Human Resources. 178 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,033 We're expecting that new graduate intake today. 179 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,953 Oh, yes, I got the memo. You want them to go straight up, yeah? 180 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,076 No, there's been a cock-up in Office Services. 181 00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,720 So now they're redecorating, like, the entire floor. 182 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,360 We're gonna have to take them to the Bank of England instead. 183 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,670 - It's all right for some, isn't it? - Yeah, isn't it? 184 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:27,909 Look, I'll be waiting over there. 185 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,513 Just send them across to me when they arrive, all right? 186 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,670 - Okay. - That's a nice color on you. 187 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:37,677 Check it out, kids. Look at that, beautiful. 188 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,990 Danny, Danny, you're supposed to be the brash city type, 189 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,833 but, you know, try not to overdo it, all right? 190 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:49,152 I get it. So I gotta let them see me, you know, for who I am. 191 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:53,313 Yeah. So don't draw attention to your performance. 192 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,153 Relax, let them do some of the work. 193 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,712 Bit of pink. 194 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,879 Hello, I'm part of Cornfoots' new graduate intake. 195 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,679 Oh, yes, they're just waiting for you over there. 196 00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:24,513 Thank you. 197 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,234 So subtle performance, yeah? I can do subtle. 198 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:31,469 Yeah, we know you can. 199 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:36,076 A little less Jordan, a little more classy like Charlotte Church. 200 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,670 You're incorrigible, Danny. 201 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,713 Hello, Gilbert Manning, Deputy Head of Personnel. And you are? 202 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,472 Melissa DeMonfort. 203 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,351 Welcome on board, Melissa. Please. 204 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:54,876 - This is Ffion, a fellow fresher. - Hello. 205 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,390 - Did you get your signing-on bonus? - Oh, yes. Thanks. 206 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,550 I couldn't believe the size of it. 207 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,713 All right, as I was explaining to Ffion here, there's been a slight hitch. 208 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,553 - You don't want it back, do you? - No, no, no, no, no. 209 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,518 Some idiot has decided to refurbish your offices. 210 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:14,798 So I'm going to have to ask one of you to come back in a month's time. 211 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:18,156 - You mean, take paid leave? - Yes. 212 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:21,550 - I don't mind. I really, really don't. - Okay. 213 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,679 Hang on. 214 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,274 I have to start work and she gets a month's holiday? 215 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,839 Well, I was here first. 216 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,639 Oh, don't be ridiculous. What's that got to do with it? 217 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:34,793 All right, ladies, ladies. Let's toss a coin, shall we? 218 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,710 - Melissa, you call. - Heads. 219 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,552 Heads it is. 220 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,950 So, Melissa, you get the chance to spend your signing-on bonus. 221 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,076 We'll see you in a month's time with a suntan. 222 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,754 Thanks. I'll send you a postcard. 223 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,231 You have a double first in Maths and a PhD in Astrophysics. 224 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:20,557 A PhD in Astrophysics? So you're good with figures? 225 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,232 Who isn't with a calculator? 226 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:25,437 So what's the square root of 74,088? 227 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:31,435 272.1911 and the cube is 42. 228 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,510 So where do you want me to start? On the trading floor or in the back office? 229 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,752 - You can start by making us a cup of tea. - And don't forget the biccies. 230 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,354 That's very cheap. 231 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,795 Yes, it's a special introductory offer, sir, yeah. 232 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:04,395 Everything steam cleaned, and we even scrape your bottom. 233 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,637 Don't you need a dry dock for that? 234 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:10,235 Yeah, we've got one in our yard. It's just over the water there. 235 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:14,108 - All right, have her back by tomorrow. - Right. 236 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,956 Okay, let's up and at 'em. 237 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,793 Now, you can't go to them. They're a merchant bank. 238 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,269 They're not interested in clients who are interested in them. 239 00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:32,636 - Important customers have to be seduced. - Right. 240 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,678 - Well, they don't know me from Adam. - I fear not. 241 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:39,992 Which is why you might need this to make a bit of a splash. 242 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,235 ALBERT: Remember our friend Whittaker Wright? 243 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,629 He knew that to float on the stock exchange, 244 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:58,032 it's not what you've got that counts. It's what people think you've got. 245 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:11,158 Greed is the only vital ingredient in a mark. 246 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:16,476 And nothing glitters quite like gold. 247 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,359 It helps if they think you're an idiot. 248 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,919 Do you do valet parking for your VIP clients? 249 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,195 - Naturally, sir, but... - Hang on to that, son. 250 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,953 I'm parked outside on the yellow line. 251 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,512 (TELEPHONES RINGING) 252 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,591 Where's the Director of Corporate Finance, sweetheart? 253 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:15,310 Down there on the right, but excuse me, have you an appointment? 254 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,349 What the... 255 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,193 All right! Stop fannying about. Let's get down to work. 256 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,793 Where's this prospectus I been promised? 257 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:27,031 - Who the hell are you? - Chad Mining Company. 258 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,557 - Never heard of them. - Well, there's nothing in the diary. 259 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,756 I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. 260 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:33,875 Oi, mush. 261 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,396 I come a long way for this meeting, sunshine, so let's be having you. 262 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:41,268 - You'd better call Security. - Listen, arsewipe. 263 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,154 If this is the way that Chartered & Mutual treat their special customers, 264 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,356 then I'm going to have to find another bloody bank, ain't I, 265 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,431 to float my company on the Stock Market? 266 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:53,513 - We're not Chartered & Mutual. - We're Cornfoots. 267 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,431 Well, where the hell's Chartered & Mutual, then? 268 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,715 It's the next building along. 269 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:05,469 Are you telling me that I've walked into the wrong bloody merchant bank? 270 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,278 It would seem so. 271 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,151 What am I like, eh? 272 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:14,797 I feel like such a berk. 273 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,235 Don't give it a second thought. Could've happened to anyone. 274 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:18,548 So you say Chartered & Mutual 275 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,232 are going to float your company on the stock market? 276 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,834 Yeah. Giving it the full works, they tell me. 277 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,672 Did you talk to any other merchant banks 278 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,830 before putting your business with Chartered? 279 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,797 No. There's no point, is there? 280 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,996 I mean, if Sienna Miller wants to get into bed with you, 281 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,878 you don't go down to the local boozer to see what else is on offer, do you? 282 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:37,635 Well, Madonna drinks in my local, as does Claudia Schiffer and Kate Moss. 283 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,358 Not to mention Kelly Brook. 284 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:42,034 So it may be worth shopping around after all. 285 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:46,709 No, no, I'm not interested, not interested at all. 286 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:51,474 Right, Chartered & Mutual, next building along, right? 287 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:52,993 It's a nice boat. 288 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,152 I really think you should hear what Cornfoots have to offer. 289 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,559 What about over lunch? 290 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:58,959 Some other time maybe. 291 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,712 Chartered & Mutual, they're up there waiting for me. 292 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:02,028 CHARLES: Let 'em wait. 293 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,634 A good merchant bank should always be willing to wait on a valued client. 294 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,199 I know we are. 295 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,796 Nice to have you on board. 296 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:57,112 Speaking of which, all right to leave me boat here while I check into the hotel? 297 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,760 - I'll tell the porter. - Good, good. 298 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:03,236 And while you're at it, get him to give it a bit of a swab up with a cloth, all right? 299 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,514 He'll get straight on to it. 300 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:09,037 And then get him to take it to its moorings in the Surrey Quays. 301 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:10,678 Of course. 302 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,195 See? They hate me already. 303 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:20,309 She's nice. I hope she's working on my launch. 304 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,038 Oh, she's just one of the new graduate intakes... 305 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:24,111 Good. Make it happen. 306 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,271 So what do you think, sweetheart? 307 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,271 Do you think I'm going to make money, 308 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:31,670 or do you think I'm going to make lots of money? 309 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:36,112 Well, looking at these proposals, there are a number of aspects that worry me. 310 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:37,872 Details, I'm sure. 311 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,190 But nobody's ever found oil in northern Chad 312 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,317 or even suggested it's a remote possibility. 313 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,715 - Is that a problem? - That's for the market to decide. 314 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:50,398 That's what I thought. 315 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,392 'Cause you know what the collective noun for bankers is, don't you? 316 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:57,598 It's a wunch. As in, a wunch of bankers. 317 00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,472 (QUENTON SNICKERS) 318 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:05,636 You stupid little girl! Who the hell do you think you are? 319 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,315 Don't you ever open your mouth in front of a client like that again. 320 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:10,753 You understand me? 321 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,751 Don't you care what we're offering the public? 322 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,353 Of course not. 323 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,910 We just stack the shelves, we don't set the prices. 324 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:20,514 So there isn't any kind of company you wouldn't float on the market? 325 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,715 No, that's not true. 326 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,109 Only last week we turned down a guy who wanted to launch 327 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:26,430 a company selling toilet/bidets. 328 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,114 - Even we thought that was a stinker. - Literally. 329 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:35,389 If there's one thing I really enjoy, it is poaching clients from someone else. 330 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:39,189 So what I want you to do is draw up a prospectus that makes this crock 331 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,396 look like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 332 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,712 And see if you can rustle up an oil consultant who's prepared to be flexible. 333 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:46,949 About his fee? 334 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:51,591 No, about the chances of finding oil in northern Chad. 335 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,589 - MICKEY: Ash? - Yeah, I'm up here. 336 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:03,188 Stacie seems to be making good progress. How's your oil consultancy? 337 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:06,909 Good, just getting me presentation together for Cornfoots. 338 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:13,036 What is the worst case scenario for the oil industry at the moment? 339 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:20,597 $100 a barrel by 2007, all known reserves exhausted 20 years later. 340 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,996 Well, I think 341 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:28,112 you'll need to do much worse than that if you're going to convince these bankers. 342 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,273 CHARLES: These figures make pretty grim reading, Mr. Brahe. 343 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:32,998 Yeah, yes, it's very bad. 344 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:38,996 $150 a barrel in two years' time and all known reserves exhausted by 2020. 345 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,594 No wonder the oil companies want to keep this to themselves. 346 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:45,309 But anyone in the know stands to make a killing. 347 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,755 So what do you hear about northern Chad? 348 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,798 Nothing at the moment. It is in the middle of a war zone. 349 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,155 But it could be possible, I suppose. 350 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:58,792 - You want me to look into it, yeah? - Oh, yeah. We'll put you on a retainer. 351 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,118 ALBERT: Whittaker Wright knew 352 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:10,431 that the key to the stock exchange was propaganda, 353 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:12,272 so he'd let loose rumors 354 00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:14,715 that flew around the city. 355 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:23,436 Each rumor built the value of his stock until his worthless holdings 356 00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:27,035 had become the most precious commodity on the market. 357 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,833 So, apparently, there's oil in Chad? 358 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:35,397 Yes, there are rumors all over the Internet. 359 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,918 Your oil consultant's really doing a business. 360 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,433 ALBERT: Stacie's doing a good job, isn't she? 361 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:52,555 Yeah, yeah. 362 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:56,349 Apparently, she just has to express an opinion to provoke a reaction. 363 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,398 Well, she is a very provocative young woman. 364 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:05,118 So are you and JW3 ready to play the part of the foolish investors? 365 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:07,509 - Are there any other kind? - No. 366 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:11,878 MICKEY: But watch your back with JW3. Remember, he's a grifter, too. 367 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,279 (COUGHING) 368 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,756 Are you okay? Do you think I should call a doctor or... 369 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:22,037 No, no, no, I prefer to treat myself. 370 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:25,519 Hopefully to at least a couple of million dollars! 371 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,192 Yeah. 372 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,039 Cornfoots? 373 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,156 Sign here, love. 374 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,112 Lovely. Ta. 375 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,277 Well, that isn't good enough. We couriered you our offer last week. 376 00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:59,635 Well, I'm sorry. But Cornfoots have no record of it. 377 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:03,156 Criminy, what kind of half-assed operation are you running here? 378 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:06,198 Could this be it? But it's only just arrived. 379 00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:14,798 One million dollars. 380 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,192 Well, I'm afraid, gentlemen, you are too late. 381 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,076 The Zinc Holdings subscription closed three days ago. 382 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:26,868 You moron! 383 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:29,599 I told you we should have delivered it here, personally. 384 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,399 - What are you? The mail boy now? - Listen, dunderhead. 385 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,438 You don't give a guy in a motorcycle helmet a million bucks 386 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:40,036 - unless he's got a shotgun in his hand. - I wish I had a shotgun in my hand. 387 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,158 What kind of investment opportunities are you looking for? 388 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:44,912 We like commodities. 389 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:47,594 - Coffee, cotton, pork bellies... - Oil? 390 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,273 Oil, sure. 391 00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:53,672 But the commodity we like best is risk. 392 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:57,231 - How much risk? - As much as we can get. 393 00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:00,114 Then, gentlemen, I think I may be able to help you. 394 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:05,279 Hang on. 395 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:10,037 So the shares can't be traded until after the flotation, right? 396 00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:13,470 Yeah, investors can only subscribe to the shares now. 397 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:15,471 They don't actually get their certificates until 398 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,596 after we're officially quoted on the stock market. 399 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:19,910 All right, and we're selling them at a quid a go? 400 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:21,592 That's right. 401 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,994 So what's this price here? And how come we ain't getting it? 402 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:28,112 Oh, that's a futures market. 403 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,715 That trades in the future price of our shares. 404 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:33,677 Oh, I get it. 405 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:37,230 So the action ain't on the shares for sale, but on the ones we're holding back? 406 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:40,153 That's certainly the way J. Whittaker Wright saw it. 407 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:42,071 ALBERT: Whittaker Wright always held on 408 00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:44,799 to at least half of the shares in his companies, 409 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:48,555 only cashing them in when his rumors had run their course 410 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:50,790 and the floatation day arrived. 411 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:54,316 By this stage, his stock was worth a fortune! 412 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:02,874 Whittaker Wright's success was soon to prove his downfall. 413 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:06,635 The banks didn't like to see anyone make more money than them. 414 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:10,269 And it wasn't long before they came after him. 415 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:14,277 (INAUDIBLE) 416 00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:21,598 Ahoy! 417 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,718 All right, playmates, who's coming out for a bit of a beano, then? 418 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:28,915 What? 419 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:33,630 A beano, a brew, a little bevvy. Come on, get rid of all this stuff. 420 00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:35,398 What are you celebrating? 421 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:39,314 The latest city wonderkid's first spectacular deal. 422 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:43,678 - My treat. Bolly and Krug, all the way. - We're working, I'm afraid. 423 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:45,713 Ooh! 424 00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:49,112 Hang on a minute. Who's the bleeding client here? 425 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:53,912 - You are. - That's right. 426 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:57,834 You are, me am, if I jolly well want to jolly go on a jolly up 427 00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:01,959 then you, you and missy had jolly well better jolly along, too. 428 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:10,073 Naturally, we would be delighted to celebrate your good fortune. 429 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:14,752 And there's an old Cornfoots Bank tradition that any evening out 430 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:18,549 always begins with a round or two of Liar's Poker. 431 00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:21,551 - Are you familiar with the game? - No. 432 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,438 You guess the serial numbers on £50 notes. 433 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:29,318 Listen, don't worry about the £50 quid notes, 'cause I got a pocket full of 'em. 434 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,595 Gentlemen never play for cash amongst themselves. 435 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:34,353 No, what do they play for then? Buttons? 436 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:39,719 Forfeits, of course. Just as we did at olly, olly big school. 437 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:42,913 STACIE: Five sixes. 438 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:45,998 QUENTON: Six sevens. 439 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:48,715 - Six nines. - Nine sixes. 440 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:51,912 Bollocks, Charles. 441 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,837 - You don't think I could make nine sixes? - I don't. 442 00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:58,800 Challenge, none. 443 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:02,557 I've got three sixes. 444 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:08,389 - Three of the same. - And I've got three sixes. 445 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,436 Which, I believe, makes nine in total. 446 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:18,313 STACIE: Seven. 447 00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:21,032 CHARLES: Eight. 448 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:24,559 QUENTON: Nine! 449 00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:32,675 Oi! Did you have to hit me that bleeding hard? 450 00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:34,557 I wouldn't have hit you that hard if you'd lost. 451 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:37,996 Yeah, but playing for the bank, I was never going to, was I? 452 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:39,832 God, it's not a bad business, is it? 453 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:43,276 Any nutter walks in here with any idea, and you make money whatever happens. 454 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:44,634 Yeah, just about. 455 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:47,439 Although some ideas are even too crazy for crooks like them. 456 00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:49,511 Come off it, they're sewer rats. 457 00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:52,353 Yeah, but even so, this guy came in here last week 458 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:55,910 trying to launch a company selling toilet/bidets. 459 00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:01,953 - What, it's a toilet and a bidet? - Yeah. 460 00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:05,919 Charles turned him down. Said it reminded him of you, actually. 461 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,228 Oh, yeah? 462 00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:11,472 Yeah, apparently, when it's not squirting pointlessly, it's just full of shit. 463 00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:15,389 (BURPING) 464 00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:19,155 Oi, Kojak, give me two more bottles of jubbly, all right? 465 00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:22,397 And stick it on the Cornfoots tab, all right? 466 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:23,994 All right, lads? 467 00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:26,038 What a charmless oik. 468 00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:28,588 It sticks in my throat to see some Johnny-come-lately 469 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:31,035 wander in and take the piss out of my investors. 470 00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:33,554 Exactly. That's our job, isn't it? 471 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:35,830 He's quite ghastly. 472 00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:39,708 And he's going to be even more ghastly once his company's floated. 473 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:42,234 But there's nothing we can do about it, is there? 474 00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:43,753 Says who? 475 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:46,354 Come on, look at the price of his shares. He stands to make a fortune. 476 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:48,954 Not if we short the hell out of him. 477 00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:51,119 Bingo. 478 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:54,716 But you can't do that. You'd be selling shares you don't own. 479 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:57,189 - STACIE: That's illegal. - Who cares? 480 00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:59,635 We sell hard enough, the price will collapse 481 00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:02,314 and we'll buy them all back the next day for peanuts. 482 00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:04,675 So no one will know we didn't have them in the first place. 483 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:08,116 All we need is for someone to start a new rumor. 484 00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:10,555 Sounds like a job for our oil consultant. 485 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:15,794 He'll need to move fast if we're gonna trash Chad Mining before quotation day. 486 00:33:16,960 --> 00:33:18,678 (MUSIC PLAYING) 487 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:24,238 You know these rumors you've been spreading? 488 00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:27,949 Well, if there's any oil in northern Chad, I'm a Dutchman. 489 00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:32,476 - No, I'm the Dutchman. - Ah, yeah. 490 00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:35,597 Anyway, it's time to put a stop to them. 491 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:38,474 Why would you want to do that? 492 00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:45,550 It's always a turn-on to see a pole dancer standing on her head, isn't it? 493 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:48,837 Makes everything sort of hang out a bit more, doesn't it? 494 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:51,110 Yes, for sure. 495 00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:53,794 It's a bit like your rumors. 496 00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:57,749 Why don't you see if you can't stand them on their heads, too? 497 00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:02,630 You are coming to me with a big ask, a very big ask. 498 00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:05,718 Yes, but a pole dancer normally gets triple her fee for it. 499 00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:08,792 So why shouldn't you? 500 00:34:11,720 --> 00:34:15,235 ALBERT: The banks began to plot his downfall. 501 00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:20,474 He had taught them the power of rumors, and now they decided to launch their own. 502 00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:24,678 With the market already worried about the value of the stock, 503 00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:26,751 the bank began to sell. 504 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:31,471 Nothing drives the value of a company down more effectively 505 00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:35,030 than a bank selling its shares hard and fast. 506 00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:40,993 And that's just what Cornfoots did. 507 00:34:42,240 --> 00:34:46,074 They sold and sold and sold some more. 508 00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:51,989 Sell, sell, sell. And sell some more. 509 00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:54,670 So the more the price drops, the more money we make. 510 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:58,036 And how do we get the price to drop? 511 00:34:58,120 --> 00:35:00,429 We sell, of course, and keep selling. 512 00:35:00,640 --> 00:35:03,029 But won't we eventually run out of buyers? 513 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:04,394 Not until it hits zero. 514 00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:07,119 And in the meantime, I've got a couple of scrawny-necked American turkeys 515 00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:08,679 who are gonna peck at anything. 516 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:10,876 So make sure you keep your wits about you. 517 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,996 Or better still, about me. 518 00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:20,190 (EX CLAIMING) 519 00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:35,719 Now that's the sort of dream the city should be offering the public. 520 00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:37,709 (BEEPING) 521 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:38,789 (SIGHS WEARILY) 522 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:43,832 Bastards, you know all our anticipated profits are going up in smoke. 523 00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:47,550 Because we're being sold short by our own bastard bank. 524 00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:49,636 Yeah, well, that's the stock market for you, innit? 525 00:35:49,720 --> 00:35:52,598 They did the same thing to JW3's grandfather. 526 00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:56,195 - So what are we going to do, then? - Keep on buying, of course. 527 00:35:56,800 --> 00:35:58,028 Just let me get this straight, all right? 528 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,509 We're buying our own company for more than we're selling it, all right. 529 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:03,068 And what's more, we're buying it several times over. 530 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:05,958 All on tick, all with money that we don't even have. 531 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:07,393 Yep. 532 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:10,397 Well, this is nuts. 533 00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:13,836 We've seen the rumors, but we have an inside track of our own. 534 00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:17,071 We still want to buy long, if that's the technical term. 535 00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:18,957 Well, I'm sure your bravery will be rewarded. 536 00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:21,838 - We just need to set a floor and a limit. - Oh, no floor. 537 00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:23,797 We'll chase the market all the way down. 538 00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:27,156 And no limit. We'll take all the action we can get. 539 00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:33,711 ALBERT: With his stock worthless, 540 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,598 the bank began to asset strip Whittaker Wright, 541 00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:42,152 taking everything he had grifted so hard to own and lining their own pockets. 542 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:51,829 They even had the shirt off his back. 543 00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:56,515 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 544 00:36:56,600 --> 00:36:58,511 Okay, we'll stop there. 545 00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:04,277 I didn't really think you could sell it right down to zero. 546 00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:06,032 Who can't? 547 00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:10,591 Time for one last spin of the wheel, guys. Keep selling! 548 00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:12,672 (ALL MURMURING) 549 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:18,837 (ALL YELLING EX CITEDLY) 550 00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:21,912 - CHARLES: Keep going. - Come on. 551 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:26,558 (ALL CHEERING) 552 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:36,758 You've done it! You've actually bloody done it. 553 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:39,434 You've driven the price down to zero. 554 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:50,159 Here's to Chad Mining, the most worthless company in the whole wide world. 555 00:37:50,240 --> 00:37:51,434 Come on, cheer up. 556 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:53,829 Because not only do we own the whole of Chad Mining company, 557 00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:55,797 but we own it several times over. 558 00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:58,189 - We bought all the shares? - That's right. 559 00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,192 And at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning, we're pledged to buy them all over again. 560 00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:04,909 A hundred times over, and maybe for 1,000 times more than their worth. 561 00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:08,750 - But that... I mean that's mad. - Yes, it is. 562 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:10,956 But there is method in our madness. 563 00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:17,151 One hour of trading left. 564 00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:21,837 All right, guys. Party's over, start buying. 565 00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:27,158 This is almost as stacked as you are. 566 00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:29,956 We're pledged to sell millions of shares tomorrow 567 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:33,316 at prices ranging from £10 each to 10 pence. 568 00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:36,155 That's right. And now we're going to cover that position 569 00:38:36,240 --> 00:38:37,958 by buying them all back at a penny a go. 570 00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:40,679 Now that's what you call a profit. 571 00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:43,554 Hang on. Nobody is selling at a penny a share. 572 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:48,156 Well, go long at 2p a share 573 00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:50,515 or 3p. We can afford it. 574 00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:54,672 Still no takers, and I've gone to 5p a share. 575 00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:57,957 What's going on? That crap's worthless. 576 00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:01,077 Any holder should be happy to give them away. 577 00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:03,476 Still drawing a blank. 578 00:39:04,480 --> 00:39:06,118 Yeah, okay, that's great. 579 00:39:06,800 --> 00:39:09,712 Well, that's it. When the market opens tomorrow, 580 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:13,679 Chad Mining will be officially quoted on the stock exchange. 581 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:15,996 Maybe we should convene a shareholders meeting. 582 00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:21,393 Okay, so, gentlemen, does anyone feel like selling a single share 583 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:24,199 of the Chad Mining Company to Cornfoots tomorrow? 584 00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:26,555 - Not me. - Nor I. 585 00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:30,634 And what about you? It's your company. You still own half the shares. 586 00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:36,158 So if we don't sell them our shares, they can't sell them back to us. 587 00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,153 Isn't that a breach of contract? 588 00:39:39,240 --> 00:39:43,153 Yes, a very serious one, with very serious penalties. 589 00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:46,789 If the bank can't sell the shares they're pledged to sell, they're stuffed. 590 00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:51,510 And they'd have to pay out for every single day they can't sell those shares. 591 00:39:52,120 --> 00:39:55,556 Well, that's brilliant. So it's like compound interest. 592 00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:57,597 In fact, it's better than compound interest. 593 00:39:57,680 --> 00:40:00,797 It's like... Christ, it's like having your own bleeding bank. 594 00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:04,759 The shares can't just vanish. They must be out there somewhere. 595 00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:08,469 Keep trading in the Far East and in New York. 596 00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:10,278 Someone must sell eventually. 597 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:14,672 They'd better, or tomorrow we're all completely and royally buggered. 598 00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:16,876 Forget about the market. 599 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:22,080 Our charmless oik of a client is still holding 50%, isn't he? 600 00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:25,119 So we can buy what we need from him. 601 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:37,599 All right, kid. Here's a simple propositional bet. 602 00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:41,070 I'll give you 10-to-one you turn over a picture card before I do. 603 00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,594 I'll even let you shuffle first. 604 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:45,918 Ten-to-one. 605 00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:48,039 I'll shuffle. 606 00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:05,238 Nine of diamonds. 607 00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:09,838 - Four of spades. - I saw you peeking. Less of that, please. 608 00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:12,031 Nine of club. 609 00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:15,838 Hey, the last one over it. 610 00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:25,316 - Just lost the bet, haven't I? - Big time. 611 00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:27,592 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 612 00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:31,192 Hello, Charlie. 613 00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:37,637 Listen, gents, I mean, I'd love to help you out. 614 00:41:37,720 --> 00:41:39,756 Really I would. 615 00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:44,511 But unfortunately, none of my shares are for sale. 616 00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:48,959 You can name your own price. Anything. 617 00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:51,113 I know. 618 00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:58,318 So who's "Mr. Squirting Full of Shit Toilet/Bidet" now, then? 619 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:06,999 I'll see you tomorrow, all right, 620 00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:10,914 when Chad Mining officially opens on the stock market. 621 00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:16,239 See ya. 622 00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:22,709 REPORTER ON TV: Well, all the talk here on the trading floor 623 00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:24,279 is about the Chad Mining flotation. 624 00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:26,078 After a roller-coaster week on the futures market, 625 00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:29,436 it's anyone's guess what the opening price may be. 626 00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:31,715 (BELL RINGING) 627 00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:34,952 Well, £15. 628 00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:40,075 - So why's the price still rising? - DANNY: Come on, Eddie, keep up. 629 00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,720 Cornfoots are driving the price up themselves. 630 00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:45,360 Yeah, and watch how high it goes when they really start to panic. 631 00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:48,716 DANNY: It don't matter, all right, what they offer for our shares, 632 00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:51,109 we ain't selling. 633 00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:53,749 This is going to be some blow off. 634 00:43:00,880 --> 00:43:04,873 ALBERT: The cackle-bladder is the ultimate blow off. 635 00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:08,748 There's nothing quite as effective as faking your own death. 636 00:43:09,400 --> 00:43:12,198 And if you want to make it really convincing, 637 00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:15,272 you are going to need a phony physician. 638 00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:19,668 (DOOR OPENING) 639 00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:22,192 Dr. John Grant. 640 00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:26,399 Good morning, I'm doing the rounds, giving the department its annual check-up. 641 00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:30,314 - What? You can't possibly do that now. - It is in our diary. 642 00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:32,550 And without it, I'm afraid I cannot authorize 643 00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:35,279 your annual increase in pension provisions. 644 00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:38,397 Under the circumstances, it may be the last one we ever get. So... 645 00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:40,675 Oh, all right, but you'll need to do it very quickly. 646 00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:42,193 Of course. 647 00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:46,668 And just breathe normally, please. 648 00:43:48,200 --> 00:43:49,235 (STACIE CLEARS THROAT) 649 00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:51,515 The Chad Mining people have arrived. 650 00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:54,034 We'll have to continue this later. 651 00:43:55,160 --> 00:44:00,234 - Fine, I'll come back tomorrow. - No, you won't. You'll wait there. 652 00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:12,750 There are your settlements. 653 00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:22,876 A million sterling. Thank you. 654 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:25,232 We'll be back tomorrow for the same amount. 655 00:44:25,320 --> 00:44:27,959 Oh, unless the share price rises again. 656 00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:33,113 Of course you do know our other partner, don't you? 657 00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:36,159 Hello, Charlie. Remember me? 658 00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:43,479 You're all in this together. 659 00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:47,314 I'll go to the police, the financial regulator. 660 00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:51,359 And say what? That this bank's more crooked than we are? 661 00:44:51,440 --> 00:44:55,353 Insider dealing, driving the market, 662 00:44:55,520 --> 00:44:57,750 selling your own clients short. 663 00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:00,718 It sounds like a fast route to prison to me. 664 00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:04,839 A hundred years ago, this bank destroyed my grandpappy. 665 00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:08,553 And now, gentlemen, it's payback time. 666 00:45:09,680 --> 00:45:14,515 Well, well, well. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. 667 00:45:14,960 --> 00:45:17,190 This sounds positively icy. 668 00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:19,919 You're James Whittaker Wright's grandson? 669 00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:22,639 Yep. And with these options to buy, 670 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:27,475 I can make your bank pay and keep on paying as long as I like. 671 00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:31,553 Hang on there, hang on. There is such a thing as too much greed. 672 00:45:33,200 --> 00:45:36,954 Perhaps we could offer you guys a deal. 673 00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:39,392 - Anything. - That goes for me, too. 674 00:45:39,480 --> 00:45:41,835 You did say anything. 675 00:45:43,080 --> 00:45:44,069 (EX CLAIMS) 676 00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:50,237 Why aren't you thrashing her, too? 677 00:45:50,320 --> 00:45:52,959 - Be much more fun. - Because I'm a gentleman. 678 00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:56,999 And just for that, we ain't gonna sell you the shares. 679 00:45:57,880 --> 00:45:59,711 (SNIGGERS) 680 00:46:00,720 --> 00:46:04,190 You filthy crook! I should beat the living... 681 00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:19,631 DANNY: Hey, hey, come on, hey. 682 00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:23,956 - He's not breathing. - CHARLES: What? 683 00:46:24,040 --> 00:46:27,191 - I can't feel a pulse. - Call the doctor! 684 00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:29,197 - Dial 999? - No, you stupid... 685 00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:31,555 The moron waiting in my office. 686 00:46:40,240 --> 00:46:43,357 I'm afraid this gentleman is dead. 687 00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:47,788 I'd better call the coroner's office. 688 00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:55,592 You assaulted him. 689 00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:59,668 - It was an accident. I... - Tell that to the police. 690 00:47:00,680 --> 00:47:03,399 At the very least, I'd say you're looking at manslaughter. 691 00:47:03,480 --> 00:47:07,268 - Manslaughter? - Yeah, that's 10 years minimum. 692 00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:11,754 I can't go to prison! I didn't mean... 693 00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:16,436 I'm a banker, not a murderer. 694 00:47:19,240 --> 00:47:20,958 You got to help me. 695 00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:26,318 Well, I suppose we could make this go away. 696 00:47:26,720 --> 00:47:28,233 You could? How? 697 00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:32,508 Of course we'd need the checks for another day's settlement. 698 00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:36,993 Make sure you make them out for cash. 699 00:47:39,280 --> 00:47:42,716 My colleague was an old man who had a heart condition. 700 00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:46,274 Yes, it's terrible, really. I mean... 701 00:47:46,360 --> 00:47:49,989 The old guy just... He just collapsed on his seat. 702 00:47:50,360 --> 00:47:52,430 Well, what about the doctor? 703 00:47:52,640 --> 00:47:55,677 We'll talk to him and tell him what happened. 704 00:47:56,280 --> 00:47:59,272 As for you, I'd like you to go home 705 00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:02,591 and come back tomorrow as if nothing had happened. 706 00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:08,150 Except, we've just lost two million plus of the bank's money. 707 00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:11,158 Well, share prices can go up, as well as down. 708 00:48:11,240 --> 00:48:14,038 Charles, we should go. 709 00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:18,754 (DOOR OPENING) 710 00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:34,190 All right, you can get up now. 711 00:48:36,840 --> 00:48:39,035 Come on, stop messing around. 712 00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:44,991 Hey. I can smell almonds. 713 00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:48,550 - What's that? - Cyanide! 714 00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:52,192 - What's going on here? - His heart's stopped. 715 00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:55,315 No, he's having a laugh. 716 00:48:56,560 --> 00:48:59,028 Come on, J., we ain't got all day. 717 00:48:59,120 --> 00:49:01,509 No, he's still not breathing! 718 00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:23,239 "Dear Albert, you had better sit down." 719 00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:39,953 That's right. 720 00:49:41,160 --> 00:49:43,993 I really took cyanide. 721 00:49:44,440 --> 00:49:47,557 And the name's not Whittaker Wright, 722 00:49:48,440 --> 00:49:50,317 it's Bill Clegg. 723 00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:56,353 I spent my life working for the Chorley Asbestos company 724 00:49:57,120 --> 00:50:00,556 until this rotten bank took us over. 725 00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:02,517 They stripped out the assets, 726 00:50:02,600 --> 00:50:06,195 trashed the pension fund, bankrupted the place. 727 00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:10,833 And the fact that half the workers turned out to have asbestosis, 728 00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:12,831 didn't bother them, neither. 729 00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:16,590 So when I was diagnosed as terminal, 730 00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:21,231 I decided to become JW3 and take my revenge. 731 00:50:22,720 --> 00:50:25,996 I sent all the details to the regulator this morning, 732 00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:29,470 so the settlements are worthless. 733 00:50:30,880 --> 00:50:36,910 But there's still enough to send Charles to the pen for a long time 734 00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:40,788 and put his bank out of business. 735 00:50:42,360 --> 00:50:45,477 Apparently, Clegg really enjoyed working with us, 736 00:50:45,560 --> 00:50:50,395 and he's sorry he can't reimburse us for our time and expenses. 737 00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:55,275 But he now suggests we exit via the back entrance 738 00:50:55,400 --> 00:51:00,030 because the Fraud Squad are coming in the front any minute. 739 00:51:02,200 --> 00:51:04,111 You bastard. 740 00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:09,513 Oh, don't greave for me too much. I only had a few weeks left in me anyway. 741 00:51:09,600 --> 00:51:14,628 So instead of pretending to take cyanide, I took it. 742 00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:21,469 So it's not a cackle-bladder, it's a double-bluff cackle-bladder. 743 00:51:39,240 --> 00:51:41,037 Right, come on, everyone. 744 00:51:41,120 --> 00:51:44,829 We wipe this place clean and get out of here. 745 00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:46,831 Come on, let's go, let's go! 746 00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:11,592 Come on, you're late. We need to get out of here. 747 00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:14,269 - Where's JW3? - Back there. Dead. 748 00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:16,157 - What? - MICKEY: And he's not JW3. 749 00:52:16,240 --> 00:52:18,800 - STACIE: And he's not even American. - Come on. 750 00:52:21,440 --> 00:52:23,908 You know, this thing is going to be all over the papers by tomorrow. 751 00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:26,560 We're going to have to split up for a few weeks, make with some alibis. 752 00:52:26,640 --> 00:52:29,313 Albert, check into a hospital. Danny, Stacie, if you... 753 00:52:29,400 --> 00:52:32,915 Oh, no, wait a second, wait a second. 754 00:52:34,440 --> 00:52:36,670 He said "penitentiary." 755 00:52:37,080 --> 00:52:38,274 In the letter to Albert, he said, 756 00:52:38,360 --> 00:52:42,239 "There's enough evidence to send Charles to the pen for a long time." 757 00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:45,753 No real Northerner would ever use that word. 758 00:52:45,840 --> 00:52:49,469 No, they'd say "behind bars" or "in prison" or something, but... 759 00:52:49,560 --> 00:52:53,109 - Who would use the word "pen"? - Only an American. 760 00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:57,355 An honest to God, salute the star-spangled banner, 761 00:52:57,440 --> 00:53:02,230 genuine Yankee Doodle dandy, son of Uncle Sam. 762 00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:05,874 We have been privileged to meet one of the greatest artists 763 00:53:05,960 --> 00:53:07,518 of our chosen profession. 764 00:53:07,600 --> 00:53:10,751 Look, would somebody please tell me what's going on, then? 765 00:53:10,840 --> 00:53:12,671 Not a cackle-bladder. 766 00:53:13,880 --> 00:53:17,077 Not a double-bluff cackle-bladder. 767 00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:20,277 But a double, double-bluff cackle-bladder. 768 00:53:32,720 --> 00:53:35,393 All the settlement checks are gone, as well. 769 00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:37,277 So much for being worthless. 770 00:53:37,360 --> 00:53:40,272 Okay, okay, let's think, let's think. 771 00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:43,397 Albert, you've just come round from suspended animation, 772 00:53:43,480 --> 00:53:45,869 you've got two million plus of money orders in your back pocket, 773 00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:48,599 you've just successfully blown off your fellow team of boosters, 774 00:53:48,680 --> 00:53:50,432 what do you do next? 775 00:53:50,720 --> 00:53:54,076 You're headed for the airport and get the first plane out of here. 776 00:53:55,720 --> 00:53:58,359 STEWARDESS: Well, of course you can upgrade to first class, Mr. Wright, 777 00:53:58,440 --> 00:54:02,194 but you will need to run to catch your flight. It's already boarding. 778 00:54:02,320 --> 00:54:05,118 (COUGHING) Oh, I'm a little old for that these days. 779 00:54:05,200 --> 00:54:07,270 Can I ride on the caboose instead? 780 00:54:10,760 --> 00:54:13,911 What do you want to bet I can't bite my own eye? 781 00:54:37,240 --> 00:54:41,916 A month or more solid work and all we've got to show for it is egg on our faces. 782 00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:45,629 Well, that seems a small price to pay to witness a beautiful thing. 783 00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:48,071 ALBERT: And I was wrong. 784 00:54:48,520 --> 00:54:51,398 The true art of the con is not to con a fellow con... 785 00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:54,836 But to con a fellow con who is expecting to be conned. 786 00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:58,151 As you say, I tip my hat to the old snake. 787 00:54:58,240 --> 00:55:01,835 We all received a valuable lesson that money can't buy. 788 00:55:02,880 --> 00:55:05,758 Even at my age, you're never too old to learn. 789 00:55:05,840 --> 00:55:09,071 Yeah, very philosophical, but philosophy won't pay the rent. 790 00:55:09,160 --> 00:55:11,720 No, but I will. 791 00:55:12,480 --> 00:55:13,629 How? 792 00:55:13,720 --> 00:55:17,599 Remember that toilet/bidet idea? 793 00:55:18,320 --> 00:55:19,548 Well, I liked the sound of it, 794 00:55:19,640 --> 00:55:23,315 so I bought a couple of grands worth of shares in the company before it floated. 795 00:55:23,520 --> 00:55:26,432 Great. So now we're looking at an even bigger loss. 796 00:55:26,520 --> 00:55:27,748 No, not at all. 797 00:55:27,840 --> 00:55:30,991 Apparently the Japanese can't get enough of it. 798 00:55:31,160 --> 00:55:34,709 It's supposed to be the biggest thing in Tokyo since they invented the futon. 799 00:55:34,800 --> 00:55:39,078 - What, so the share price just goes up? - Oh, yeah, I've got 25 grand already. 800 00:55:40,440 --> 00:55:43,910 Then you really are Mr. Toilet/Bidet. 801 00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:47,788 DANNY: Well, I'm not one to boast, but... 802 00:55:58,720 --> 00:56:00,517 ALBERT: There are a lot of different stories 803 00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:03,034 about what happened to James Whittaker Wright 804 00:56:03,120 --> 00:56:05,429 after his adventures in the city. 805 00:56:15,720 --> 00:56:18,154 I don't really know what the truth is, 806 00:56:18,240 --> 00:56:21,516 but I like to think that somewhere along the way, 807 00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:25,434 he found his own little piece of grifting heaven.