[harmonizing chimes]
[glass clinks]
Anyone watchin', thinkin' we know fuck
all about knowing fuck all about owt,
needs to watch their backs.
[wheels clicking]
So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending
prices sky-high, literally.
Literally taking the grass from its own roots.
And Now you've got your "ConDem Naton,"
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up!
Have we had a national fucking stroke, or what?
Is revolution a word?
[booms]
Or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient time--
Fucking bastard! [barking]
Yak-yak-yak! Yak-yak-yak!
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now.
Party!
[pop rock music]
CHORUS: (SINGING) Na, na, na, na!
[monitors beeping]
(VOICEOVER) There was a lad in our school
called Deano, hard little bastard,
from a long line of hard little bastards.
One day at school assembly, we were
told he'd been knocked over and was in a coma, and we cheered.
Everyone cheered.
And the teachers said nothing.
They hated the fucker just as much as we did.
But when he eventually came back to school, he changed.
Vincere two years he'd sat his GCACs and passed the lot.
Only one in the school that did.
[monitors beeping]
[classical piano music]
[wincing]
[distant sirens wailing]
[keys jingling]
[switch clicks]
[electricity buzzes]
[distant voices]
Hello?
[voices murmuring]
Patty?
What the fuck are you doing?
(LOW PITCHED) What the fuck are you doing?
Ask what?
I don't like this.
(LOW PITCHED) That's not a question.
Try again.
I don't want this.
Why am I here?
I've already given your answer.
No you haven't.
(LOW PITCHED) Walk the fuck are you doing?
[buzzing]
Fuck!
[screams]
What the feck ye doin' out hospital?
What are you doing here?
I work here.
No you don't.
I think you'll find I do, what's left of it.
Oh, fuck.
All right, cuz.
Good to see you back on your feet.
But where am I supposed to live?
Where's Uzma?
Glasgow.
Sends her love.
Everything's going to be all right.
With decorating the spare room at granddad's for you.
We've got a little job lined up too.
All that time I was in the hospital,
what, you been planning this?
Yeah, no wonder I didn't get any fucking visitors.
Sorry mate.
I was going to drop in tonight.
I Been Mad busy gettin' this place on the market.
Yeah, doesn't grandad usually take care of that?
He's in Pakistan.
[cell phone r&b ringtone music]
[beeps]
Hiya, grandad.
How was the wedding?
Oh, lovely, that.
Try not to think of this as something ending.
Think of it as something just about to begin.
[tremolo flute music]
If I was shipwrecked on a desert island with him--
I would.
Well, I think he's nice for his age.
He's a good-looking man.
He's a good looking ex-priest.
He'll smell of incense and communion wine.
The guilt'd dry me up.
What do you think, Karen?
[music - a-ha, "take on me"]
There's only one man for me.
He's the best looking man on the Chatsworth.
What do you think, G?
is too pretty for my taste.
[dissonant music]
Oh, he's embarrassed.
[laughter]
Hey, that's a side I've never seen before, Mr. Maguire.
Go 'ed, son!
White wine?
[flute music]
Mad busy I've had to service a couple myself;
the kid with the granny fixation,
the bloat with the runny eyes and the Labrador.
Well, what was it you wanted to see be about?
I need you to come back, Kel.
We're run off us feet.
Business doing well then?
Yeah, but the hours go against the European Work Time
Directive We still need help.
[laughs]
We need some new recruits!
You can't advertise for 'em in the evening news.
You'll be arrested!
His soliciting.
Says "massage services."
"Back-door experience essential, girl-on-girl
required, as and when."
We need staff, and we need 'em now.
The girls haven't even been for a wax.
Their fannies are like welcome mats.
[cheering]
Hey, welcome back to the land of the living, Ches.
On the house.
[cheering]
Just Chesney!
[disappointed groans]
Boo!
[hissing]
Must've terrified the life outta ye.
A bit of a wake-up call, yeah.
I'll have to pay out now.
I was doing a book on you.
Jonesy won the lot, over a hundred quid, as well.
How come?
Well, he was the only one that thought you'd make it.
- Good to see you, Ches. - Top man, Ches.
Top man.
Rest of us thought you were coming home in a box.
Take no notice.
His mouth's wired directly to his ass.
We've all been worried about you.
Run off our feet with the new business,
or we'd've dropped by the hozzy.
We did call, but of course we weren't related.
Won't tell us much.
We miss the shop, Ches.
So we're having to do it online now.
Dom pointed out we were all paying
a fiver to have food delivered to each of our houses.
So now we put in one massive order, deliver two here,
entire drop for a fiver.
You oughta see the points we collected on the loyalty card.
[laughs]
Loads of messing, though.
Soon to be shopping at yours, Ches.
So when are you opening back up?
I'm just a Paki in a corner shop to you lot, aren't I?
Don't be daft.
You're hardly even in the shop.
[dramatic flute music]
I was wondering when I'd get you on your own.
- Sorry? - Let me finish up.
I'll walk you home.
There's no need.
Well, it'll give us a chance to talk about, you know--
Jamie, seriously.
Gloria?
C'mon then.
Your carriage awaits.
[distant sirens]
[suspenseful music]
You selling up?
Grandad.
Well, not like you had much choice, in my humble.
[thuds]
Come 'ere.
You hear that?
A monster approaching.
A supermarket, dropping its offspring in every
postcode in the country.
Soon, you'll be standing in its shadow,
too big for you to fight, and having
stuffed cash in the back pocket of every councillor
up and down the land, too well-connected for you
to challenge.
It'll raise its big monster foot, bring it down.
And you and your shop will be gone.
Just a memory.
I remember when my dad first bought this place.
Hey, you're not facing a firing squad.
War's over.
Walk.
You're free.
Yeah.
I am.
Thanks, Frank.
Cheers.
Give us a hand.
Knees fuse after a while.
Got viewings organized today, mate.
We'll not make too good an impression
with your undies and jizz mags all over the place.
Hmm?
Personal stuff.
Removal van's booked.
Need this place empty by Thursday.
Gas and lecky'll be cut off a week Friday.
Asked them to forward me the bills at base.
Base?
Granddad's
Bradford?
[thuds]
Box what you want.
Bin what you don't.
Nice little shop lined up for you in Bradford.
Loads of old people.
[shimmering]
Not too much stress.
Keep your head down, and you'll reap the rewards.
[shimmering]
[punches, kicks swiping]
Hi-yah!
TOOF: And in a few years' time, if you play your cards right--
[upbeat music]
Sure, I'll tell grandad you're on your way.
No.
Tell him thanks, but no thanks.
[pop rock music]
Thank you very much, Father.
Bless you too.
The Community Center's all yours.
Not being funny, but why you are auditioning hookers?
To see if they're right for the job.
And surely possessing a fanny makes them right for the job.
There's a bit more to it than that.
Well, we all know how easy it is to get a man off.
What you have to ensure, Ruby, is
that you not only get him off, but you
get him back, time after time.
Some sort of brand loyalty?
More often than not, you're giving a man
what he doesn't get at home.
And that can be a combination of a million things,
Don't try and pass off what you do as some sort
of psychological balancing act.
You fuck for money
He might crave intimacy.
Give it.
A straightforward selfish fuck?
Give it.
To talk?
Let him.
He might want you to tell him it's the best you've ever had,
and you've been repulsed by everything he's done.
Get the men, get their money, get them out.
It's all about profit.
It's all about the moolah.
And not much else.
[laughs]
It's not exactly skilled labor, is it?
Says the voice of experience.
You see, you don't need to be in your line of work
to know what a man's looking for.
Market research.
So who really knows their ass from their elbow.
Yeah, all right.
You're on.
[upbeat synthesizer music]
I was having a discussion with a friend.
Well, I say discussion.
I mean argument.
And I say "friend."
Actually, she's just some see slapper that I know.
But we were just wondering--
--exactly what it was men look for in a woman.
Experience tells me men crave tenderness!
A little bit of affection.
After a good spanking.
Obviously a man knows exactly what he's after.
And it ain't chitchat.
He can get that from his ma.
If she wasn't dead.
See, I think all men like a spot of courtin', a bit
of getting to know you, a nice bit
of talk, just to melt the ice.
Men are driven directly by their baser instincts.
Evolution's taught them, you get in quick, you drop your DNA,
and then you go off to the next egg to be fertilized, ASAP.
It's a bit of a cliche, innit?
Well, cliches are rooted in truth.
Well, does that truth apply to the Madonna-whore argument?
No, because that is a bit simplistic.
That's just obvious.
What do you reckon, Mimi?
Are all women mothers or scrubbers?
I like to think I'm a bit of both.
Get I can get a ton-20 online.
Then Then go online.
All right, 30 it is.
Class traitor.
Capitalizing on the misery of folk
forced to sell their possessions to make ends meet.
Hey! - Stop nicking my stuff!
Hey!
[grunting]
Get off!
Is me SIM in?
What the Folks a SIM?
Oh, you're never getting rid of poor old Larry, are you?
Colin, how many more times?
We can't take livestock.
We simply don't have the facilities.
[pony whinnies]
Oh!
[neighing]
Sorry, Larry.
[flute music]
[pony whinnies]
[sign creaks]
WOMAN: I've got it! (SINGING) I'm every woman.
It's all in me!
Anything you want right now, I'll give it naturally.
Just a little list of thing I wanted to do.
Not mad things, little dreams I had when I was a kid.
I've always dreamed of having a threesome.
Been there.
Done that.
Twosomes, threesomes, young women, old women.
- Mother-daughter. - Mile high.
Pissed up.
Drugged up.
- Fucked up, tied up, - indoor, outdoor.
Front door, back door.
Oh, back door.
Hey, I can help you out with that one easy enough.
And I can cover that one, mate.
Yeah. [cheering]
MIMI: Ches! You're up!
[cheering] - Singing?
A
First time for everything, Mike
I've got to see this.
[indistinct chatter]
One! Two!
Three!
Ugh! (SINGING) My baby don't mess around because she loves
me so and this I know for sho'.
Ugh!
But does she really wanna but can't stand
to see me walk out the do'?
Don't try to fight the feelin', cos the thought
alone is killing me right now.
Sing with me now!
CHORUS (SINGING): Huh! Hey-ya!
[music - outkast, "hey ya!"]
Yeah!
On top of the world!
[horn honks]
Stick your helmet on, you mad bastard!
OUTKAST: (SINGING) Hey-hey-ya!
Hey-ya!
Oi!
OUTKAST: (SINGING) You think you've got it.
What the fuck are you doing?!
OUTKAST: (SINGING) Oh, you think you've got it.
[laughter]
(SINGING) But got it just don't get
it till there's nothing at all.
We've been together.
Oh, we've been together.
But separate's always better when there's feelings involved.
If what they say is, "nothing is forever," then what makes--
then what makes-- then what makes then what
makes-- love the exception?
So why-oh, why-oh, why-oh, why-oh, why-oh
are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here?
Y'all don't want to hear me, you just want to dance.
[shrieking]
(SINGING) Hey ya!
[cheering]
[whistling]
I did not know you had that in you, mate.
Neither did I. It's got me thinking about stuff
I'd like to do as well
Go on.
Well, like swimming with dolphins.
That'd be cool, wouldn't it?
Or jump out of a plane.
That could be arranged.
I think he means with a parachute.
Shit, if we're talking dreams, aren't we?
Things you'd like to do if other things weren't in our way.
Exactly.
Like getting a bit of back-door action off Mimi.
Same again, - lads?
Yes, mate.
Can I just have-- ugh!
[thuds]
[MUSIC - WHAM!
"WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO"]
Shit.
Me purse is gone.
You're kiddin'.
Me purse is gone.
[bell rings]
Is there a tea leaf in 'ere?!
ALL: Yes!
MIMI: You know what I mean, you gang of smart asses.
[suspenseful music]
Fuck.
Good day?
Fucking blinding, as it goes.
I think I've got maybe half a dozen people
that take the pleasure serious.
Yeah, spoke to a few myself.
You know, the young and limber ones.
I have clients I've known for 10 years.
I wasn't even in high school 10 years ago.
Bet you still gave a good blow job though.
[electric guitar music]
[knocks on door]
You are joking, Jamie.
Drinks are on me next time I'm in.
I owe you an apology.
For not calling.
If your application's successful,
I'll supply the condoms and lube.
And all you have to do is lay back and think of Lytham St.
Anne's.
Look, it was just a fuck.
Nothing more, and nothing less.
[toilet flushes]
(WHISPERS) It's Dom.
[footsteps upstairs]
[unzipping]
[moans]
[lustful groaning]
[moaning]
[heavy breathing]
[exhales]
[classic rock music]
So I'm not bothered about a job just yet.
Y'know, I want to enjoy myself for a bit.
What's that?
Oh, please don't, Karen.
Where'd you get the photo?
It's ancient.
Lip gave it me, years back.
Who for?
Me?
Or Wendy?
Both Look, I was 12.
KAREN: God, I was young.
Can I borrow this?
Me and Carl used to say we'd ask the both of you out.
Cinema, pizza.
Hey, Wendy'd still be up for that.
I'll give her a bell. - No.
Fuck it.
Yeah, yeah. Call her.
That'd be brilliant.
What you stuck this in with, Ches?
[flute music]
What you doin', having a shower at this time?
Oh, I spilt a load of ale over myself in the cellar.
Oh, I'll put your clothes in the was.
I've done it.
Getting very domesticated in your old age.
Yeah, well, I'm in my prime, me.
Thinking about getting my hair cut.
What do you reckon?
D'you approve?
Yeah, blonde's good.
Mm.
I'll take that as a yeah.
[surf rock music]
[flute music]
[percussion and strings music]
Hey! Hey!
Nice, Ches.
What's that?
I'm sensing there's a woman involved.
Not just a woman.
Woman of his dreams.
Yeah, his wet dreams.
Girl I had a crush on years back.
I've been carrying a bit of a torch for her.
Well she's agreed to accompany me on a date.
Wine, dine. - 69
[laughs]
Nah, I want to do this properly.
Nice meal--
Candlelight.
Bit of a chat.
Exactly.
The last time we seen each other, we were kids.
Now you're all grown up.
Quick one before she turns up, Ches?
Bit of fluff there.
Oh, cheers, mate.
So?
I hope she's worth all this effort.
Yeah man, she's lovely.
You know, I just can't believe she said yes.
That why you're so nervous, eh?
Yeah, it's a big deal.
Just want to get it right.
Of course you do.
I've waited years for this.
All my fucking life.
Aye, aye.
[r&b music]
Father Craig said they were waiting in here.
[indistinct chatter]
Bloody hell.
I knew jobs were thin on the ground, but this is ridiculous!
You sure everyone's in the right room?
Can I just ask, is everyone here to see Lilian Tyler?
Is that for the auditions for the whoring?
[gags]
Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
There's a big market for GILFs.
[gags]
You'll be old one day.
Right, let's get down to business.
[baby crying] [coughing]
Can everyone under 25 go to the right, please?
Everybody over 25, to your left!
Bus passes, Zimmers and arthritics to the back.
[indistinct chatter]
[flute music]
Look, I don't know what's going on here, but--
Nothing's going on.
We can't do this.
It was a mistake.
That happened twice.
(WHISPERS) That won't happen again.
Do you know what, Gloria?
I'm not that fucking desperate.
Not even a ham shank on the way home?
[smacks] Ugh!
Wasn't about that.
This was about romance.
Right, Ches?
[shimmering]
[flute music]
You know how to do things properly, Ches.
You've grown up into a lovely little gent.
It was about getting to know each other,
seeing if you got more in common than just
a physical attraction.
Small talk.
That one should never have been allowed
within 10 feet of a school.
He were a fuckin' letch.
Knicker sniffer.
[squishes]
[slurps]
So you forked out for a three-course meal,
wine, and a cab.
If I'd laid that amount of cash out,
I'd be wanting something in return.
You know what I mean?
It wasn't really that kind of night.
You're the fittest guy I've been with all month.
Month?
[moans]
We need to get you home.
No, my dad's in.
We can't.
It's OK.
Here'll do.
[unzips]
[retches]
[puke sloshes]
(SLURRED) Must have been a dodgy prawn.
Know what?
I dreamt of being with that girl so many times.
It could never live up to your expectations.
Happens to us all.
Bad timing.
Thought I'd find you here, with your drinking cronies.
You left that in the shop.
It looked important.
[piano music]
I'm done with this.
[paper crumples]
Same again, chaps?
Yeah.
[WHISTLING MELODY OF OUTKAST'S "HEY YA!"]
[thuds]
[electricity powering down]
[distant voices]
[creaks]
Fuck me!
(LOW-PITCH VOICE) I won't fuck you, if it's all the same.
Look, I haven't got a question.
(LOW-PITCH VOICE) No, but I have.
What kind of man are you going to be?
One who squeaks, Or one who roars?
[clicking]
[door creaks]
Hiya.
[whirring]
Well, it was certainly entertaining.
Can you tell me a bit about yourself sweetheart?
Oh, I'm a community policemen during the day,
trying to earn a few extra bob at night, really.
It'd be great for the locals.
But would it appeal to the international market?
Have you got anything else you can show us?
Looks nice, Karen.
Don't you think, Jamie?
Yeah, lovely.
You haven't even looked.
Why didn't you tell her she looked lovely, soft lad?
Cos I'd be lying.
Well, if you can't lie to your wife, who can you lie to?
Flowers.
One fuck-off bunch of roses, and a big fat apology.
Heartless bastard!
[SUSPENSEFUL FLUTE AND PIANO MUSIC]
The living accommodation will give you a good return
on your investment.
There's masses of potential for the shop.
I'm thinking now, wall-to-wall sunbeds,
maybe a spray-tan machine.
Plenty around here in need of a tan.
And not just the fellas.
[door closes]
Not a clue, unlike you.
Y'know, people just need a little shop selling basics,
stuff you've run out of.
Essentials.
And who needs more than that.
Life's too short.
Hmm.
Exactly. [distant sirens]
[whooshing]
[birds chirping]
I look like I've been hang gliding.
[sighs]
Seriously, Karen, you need to go back to the salon.
Especially what they charged you.
They should put it right.
What, I didn't pay 'em.
I refused to.
Try to force me.
Said me feller'd come down and torch the place if they
gave me any more hassle.
Is that what he said?
He's not bothered.
Mardy-arsed bastard's got his glaze
in a twist for some reason.
[knocks at door]
DOMINIC: I'll get it!
[sighs]
Oh God, I don't want him to see me like this.
I don't want anybody to see me like this.
Please, G, can't you get me back to some sort of normality?
Thank you.
[door opens]
Gloria?
These are for you.
New fella?
Never said.
Nothing special.
DOMINIC: You've obviously made an impression.
Cheers.
Him upstairs is giving you a second chance
and what are you doing with it?
Propping up the bar with someone old enough to be your dad.
Oh, thanks, Mimi.
I'm not knocking it.
If you're going to go, go happy.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm going to do something, Mimi.
The plans I've heard from fellas
sat where you are, Ches, going to conquer the world.
Not one of them even got as far as the end of the M62!
Who's paying?
Here, I'll get this.
Here you go.
Ta.
I need to-- I need to go.
I've gotta do somethin'.
MIMI: Stunning.
Absolutely stunning.
Give us a twirl.
Looks good.
Beautiful.
Yeah, thanks to Gloria.
Now, that's what I call an apology.
Hmm, they're off G. Some shag she's had.
Banged him twice, and it's all red roses
and when can I see you again?
Ugh, how pathetic are some fellas?
Contact the family solicitors and get the contracts drawn up.
Forget your tannin shop idea.
It won't work.
Look, no one's got the cash for sunbeds.
Only reason he's telling you otherwise, so he can get
shot of this place, and back to Bradford.
[phone rings]
What's it to you?
[beeps]
You've got this all wrong, Ches.
it's not about us and you.
That's how it's coming over, Toof.
I want you to come home with me.
I need you to see something.
[piano music]
First place we had?
Flat over a chippy.
Stunk of fish and grease.
Do you know what I mean?
Then one day, granddad picks us up from the shop,
brings us here, hands us the keys.
He were that pleased with the graft we put in.
Rewarded us with this.
I know he can be a pain in the ass.
Work him to your advantage, Ches.
I'd dream of somewhere like this.
Could be yours.
That's the point really, Toof.
It couldn't.
Y'know, just like it'll never be yours.
Step out of line, you'll be back in that
flat over the chippy in no time.
No.
Oh, I saw how he used to treat dad when
he wasn't doing as he was told.
There's always going to be a boss, always
someone telling you what to do and how to do it.
Not for me, there isn't.
I'm going to buy the shop.
You can't do it in your own.
No.
But I'll die trying.
[ambient symphonic music]
[wind howling]
[loudly knocking]
[distant sirens]
Go on, fuck off.
[phone ringing]
OPERATOR (ON PHONE): Please leave
your message after the tone. [tone]
It's me.
I need to see you.
[sighs]
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to offend.
This sort of thing, it's not my usual bag.
It's confusing.
[sighs]
Just call me, please.
What the fuck are you looking at?!
[grunts]
[piano music]
[cheering]
I'll tell you something odd, and this
is going to sound weird.
But I had this dream last night, and you came in here
and you played out this dream.
It's unbelievable.
It's totally unbelievable.
Fuck.
MAN: We want to live that dream.
We're doing this for us family.
We want to give them a better life, a decent home, a future.
We've got four kids.
We're saving for college fees for the brightest.
It's a speciality act, and a good one.
I see a bright future for you two.
But where's the art?!
Eh?
Where's the originality?
Says she who thinks "legs akimbo" is in the Kama Sutra.
This is my game, kid.
You might've had a few knee-tremblers along the way,
but I am an ar-teest.
No, you are stuck in your ways because you've
been at it for too long.
And you've not been at it long enough.
You know what?
You're past your sell-by date, love.
[splashes]
[gasps]
CROWD: Ooh!
[dog barks]
[keyboard music]
Suits ye.
You look lovely.
I'm sorry.
Are you going to tell me what's up?
I'm just bored.
Of me?
Of us?
Of this place.
I wake up here.
I work here, eat here, sleep here.
I'll live and fucking die here.
The same four walls'd drive anyone 'round the bend.
You are more important than any of this.
Now, let's get a smile back on that face.
[slow-tempo classical music]
I love you.
[slow-tempo classical music]
I've managed to convince her to come back.
I miss the funny accent, if I'm honest.
Fuckin' skin her!
Can we not aim for a bit of decorum?
We've got people's futures in our hands.
Hopes, dreams, ambitions.
Hmm.
Decision time.
Hmm.
Well, I think we can lose woman with a cock.
It's a man with tits.
It's just confusing.
RCPA'll kick off.
Vacuum man were interesting.
Perfect, if you want a good ramming.
A looker, but a bit obvious.
Yeah, when you pay good money, "obvious" is what you want.
Our final four.
The librarian from Burnley?
This went on a vote, Lillian.
Who told you this were a democracy?
I want him and all.
[sighs]
Why?
Reminds me of little Bobby Davro.
Bobby only has to smile to get me wet.
You must have savings or money put
aside for you, for the family?
Nope.
Every penny I've got went on buying the fittins back.
My fittins, my shop.
All that matters is, I'm going to do it.
Well, determination for its own sake
can be very admirable, but--
Like that Japanese guy who kept fighting World War
II till like, 1976 or summat.
What?
It finished in ages before that.
[beeping]
It's my cousin.
Wants to know the plan.
What is the plan?
That failure is not an option.
I could have a word, you know?
No, I mean, I could have a word with the family about money.
Your cousin could come, if he's worried.
You've never gave a toss about the shop in the past.
So why would we believe that you do now?
Things are different now.
I'm different.
What I need and what I don't, all different.
We've got a pub to run.
Well, I could get that place back in profit in three months.
How?
Well, I'll stay open day and night,
work my fingers to the bone.
I won't take a wage till we're in profit.
You'd have access to the books 24/7.
And if he fucks up--
I won't fuck up.
All right, one condition.
You call it Paddy's Market, after my dad.
No.
It's my shop.
I'm in there, in the bricks and the mortar, and you're not.
Neither is your dad.
Come on.
What's in a name?
You're a Maguire.
Would you let anyone take that away?
[ambient symphonic music]
[distant sirens wailing]
[cell phone chimes]
[beeps]
[electric guitar music]
[beatboxing]
What the fuck are you doing?
Me old little routine, mate.
Oh, shit yeah, how did it go?
I don't need them.
Yeah, you're right, mate.
Do it all on your own.
Mortgage, gas, lecky, council tax, VAT, no credit.
All that shit'd get a lesser man down, mate, but not you.
You're a fucking superhero.
[beatboxes]
Do Asian people have superheroes?
Or is it just gods with loads of arms and stuff?
That's Hindu.
I'm Muslim, duh!
Fuck off.
Whoosh!
Hindus are only in fucking comics and that.
I've got work, mate.
[beatboxing]
I've never seen one with a bend like that.
Is it 90 degrees?
It varies, acute and obtuse.
Can fuck 'round corners.
That's got to be an advantage.
Kelly's right.
No substitute for experience.
Ruby has got a point though.
Gudrun has all the enthusiasm of a beginner.
Amongst other advantages.
Hindenburg.
Bless you.
She does make me laugh, that Ruby.
I can't understand a word she says, but I just smile and nod.
I thought at least one of them would
be here for the induction. - I've sent 'em out.
Medical's my bag.
Speaking of which, would you bend over?
[latex squeaking]
[squelching]
[exhales]
I have to admit, some of your young and virile team
were a fucking knockout.
I can see why punters keep returning some
of your more experienced heads.
Don't poverty make people do kinky shit?
[gong music]
[flute music]
There's been an offer made on the shop.
Shit.
[exhales]
A bit of luck, I could've made something of this place.
I'm sorry.
Nah, I'll grab my stuff.
I turned the offer down.
We'll have the deeds transferred first thing tomorrow.
Grandad'll fucking kill ye.
Don't let me down, Ches.
[laughs]
I will not let you down.
No way will I let you down.
Thank you so fucking much.
[door opens]
Hey, love-in.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
So you're going to try to make a go of this place?
Yeah.
Well, in that case, you're gonna need these.
- For? - Them.
We've gone with magnolia.
Yeah, with magnolia.
They only had magnolia.
I like magnolia.
I love magnolia!
Could do with a few more rollers and brushes.
Jamie, go on.
Some in our loft.
I'll give you a hand.
[upbeat piano music]
MIMI: No need to stand on ceremony.
I've checked on the internet, and this is all kosher.
That's Jewish, Mimi.
- Lamb's Jewish. - Kosher's Jewish.
Then what's lamb?
New Zealand.
Thought they were Welsh.
Look, that's what this is all about?
Never thought I'd hear myself say this, Ches,
but you impressed me, mate.
You show commitment.
You can't buy that.
Fuck knows we've tried.
Turnip?
We wanna help you get back on your feet, mate.
Go on.
Mam?
We sell dope from your place, maybe a bit of coke,
and the money goes through the til.
Laundering?
Well, we stay silent partners, take 10% of your profit.
And And discount at the till, a little one.
What's the catch?
There isn't one.
You've got no family around here, Ches.
So from now on, you're one of us, an honorary Maguire.
And that offer's not extended to many.
So are you in?
Too fucking right.
Welcome to the clan.
MIMI: Yes, cheers.
[pop rock music]
[distant voice beckons, hissing]
(LOW-PITCHED) I suppose you're pleased with yourself?
Yeah.
(LOW-PITCHED) I always knew ye had it in ye.
No N didn't.
But I did.
(LOW-PITCHED) But that makes no sense.
I'm a figment of your imagination.
I'm after a quality of hallucination.
[circus organ music]
[laughter]
All right?
(LOW-PITCHED) I put a curse on you!
[circus music]
[laughter]
[pop music]
MAN: (SINGING) No, no, no.
CHES (VOICEOVER): On reflection, I
don't believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
No voice telling you to go back.
No, that's what I just said!
Once your number's up, it's up.
[knocks at door]
[ACOUSTIC MUSIC - OUTKAST, "HEY YA!"]
OUTKAST: (SINGING) My baby don't mess around, because she loves
me so and this I know fo' sho'.
CHES: So take a good look around.
Like what you see? Great.
Enjoy.
OUTKAST: (SINGING) Oh, but does she
really want but just can't stand to see me walk out that door?
CHES: But if you don't, move on.
And move on now.
No use settling for second best.
[pop rock music]
This ain't no rehearsal.
[pop rock music]
This is the real deal.
[pop rock music]
CHORUS (SINGING): Ba-ba-da-ba!
Ba-ba-da-ba-ba-da!
Ba-ba-da-ba!
Ba-ba-da-ba-ba-da!
Ba-ba-da-ba!
Ba-ba-da-ba-ba-da!
Ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba!
Ba-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
[pop rock music]
It's my bike.
I'm the bloke, clearly.
Winslet in front, DiCaprio behind.
I'm the bloke.
Fuck off.
I am the bloke.
How the fuck are you the bloke?
[laughter]
I am the bloke!
Fuck off!
I'm the bloke!
[harmonic tones chime]