[tapping]
Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing
fuck all about owt, needs to watch their backs.
Ow!
So you've had your Labor, reclassifying
skunk, sending prices sky high.
Literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your condemnation--
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
Green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Fucking--
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now.
Party!
SHANE MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): I never got that whole Robin Hood
thing, me.
I mean, for a start, you stand about in the woods with a monk.
Plus, he wore tights.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm down with robbing the rich.
But giving to the poor?
Fuck that.
Finder's keepers.
Dustin, get out of there now you fucking slut!
[pounding on door]
You never hear the word "poor" any more, do you?
We've been rebranded.
Now we're under-privileged.
I think I prefer benefit skunk.
It's less patronizing.
If Robin Hood were around today, I wouldn't
take owt off him anyway.
I've always taken care of myself, thanks.
We all get dealt a bad hand now and again,
but the mark of a man is to pick himself up and move on.
You know what they say--
if life hands you lemons--
[slot machine noises]
Bollocks!
[music playing]
What's this?
What does it look like?
Oh, it's your tab.
So I've built up a couple of weeks on tick.
You know I'm good for it.
Are you?
Look, Shane, I know how it is, OK?
And if things are tight--
well, I could always find a few bits for you to do around here.
Oh yeah, you'd love that, you, wouldn't you?
Go on.
What have you got in mind?
Ferreting tumble-pubes out of the urinal?
I'll even throw in a pair of marigolds.
Thanks. I'm not a charity case.
Fine, we'll stop treating you like one then.
Pay your tab or get on the wagon.
[music playing]
Sorry.
Lads night in, me and Carl.
Oh yeah?
I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
I don't know how that got there.
Don't be a bastard.
Human Centipede.
It's supposed to be well funny. - Yeah, about that--
I can't make it.
Sorry.
Glen put her foot down, has she?
Hey, come with us if you like.
We're not doing owt.
We're just having a drink by the canal.
Nah, no thanks.
You know, don't want to be a sixth wheel.
[laughter]
That's funny.
See you later.
[sniffing]
So how's tall, black, and jobless?
Nothing about, work-wise.
All the fight's gone out of him.
He seems resigned to curling up and licking his wounds.
I used to be able to do that, before my back.
Seriously, Gloria, what is that smell?
What smell?
Smells like sex.
[music playing]
Oh!
There's a naked man climbing out from your laundry basket.
Oh.
Dominic, do we need to see that first thing?
I'm trying to earn my keep.
Mm.
Ladies.
Dominic!
Who was that?
My brother.
The priest?
What is it with priests and big knobs?
[laughter]
It's not funny.
[door closing]
Catherine.
Now then, John, didn't know you was back.
Where's the dog collar?
Dry cleaners.
I'll have a pint, please, and a couple of chasers.
You haven't lost the faith.
You've not gone protestant, have you?
No, no, I'm just on the break, that's all.
How'd you wangle that?
Won a draw.
Names in a mitre.
How come you've not been in to see us then?
What have you been doing?
Just keeping busy.
No, This is better than money.
I'm telling you.
It's a two man operation, like.
I'd help myself, but.
How many cigarettes we talking here?
Enough.
Delivery guy always stops at this one particular store
then goes in for a bit of extra marital
with one of the late shift.
Leaves his van just sitting there, all stocked.
Two man job, yeah?
Maybe ask one of your brothers?
I have got other mates, thank you.
Yeah, of course you have.
So are we squits then?
[grunts]
[spits]
Yeah, we're squits.
BAR PATRON: I'm going to fucking shoot you.
BAR PATRON 2: Fucking explode with a dirty in you.
Fucking ow.
Enjoying your tap water?
Champion.
Fucking cock.
Shake and vac.
Don't afford what you can't touch.
Kelly.
What?
You fucking wish.
[yawns]
You reckon he had something back at the house with him?
Well, he claims he can't remember but there was someone.
I'll tell you that.
Because I just spent the afternoon
wire brushing the dry remnants of her off me fucking sofa
cushions.
Are priests allowed to do that?
Oh, he's a dogma unto himself that one.
And besides he's on extended sabbatical.
Why?
He won a draw.
Yeah, and the second prize was a Pope Mobile.
Oh, right.
Pope Mobile.
Because it's stealing.
Because it's against the law.
Oh, the law.
And the fucking law's done us a lot of favors
recently ain't it Jackson?
Oh, right.
Right.
This is all about revenge, is it?
Sticking it to the man?
Look if it makes you feel better, for me,
it's about the money.
A lot of money actually. Each.
A 60-40 split.
I don't care how much it is.
I'm not risking me whole--
hang on. What you mean 60-40?
Well, it's my gig, isn't it?
I'm providing the transport.
Hey, I'm doing anything and it's 50-50 or nothing.
Does this mean you're in?
Easy you say?
Fish in a barrel.
You are sure?
Never been surer.
Is that Ches?
Thought you said he wasn't coming.
Who's that with him?
That looks like Lise.
Call her Toploader.
Toploader?
Yeah.
All right.
This is Clem, Lise.
How's it going?
And you know Carl.
(MOANING)
Yeah, we've met.
All right, I'll get on the bevs.
Oh.
Hey, you're in a wheelchair.
CLEM: So I am.
Ah, good for you.
Them is some big tits.
Thanks
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Get you a fucking bell or something.
Well?
Well, I was thinking more of a inner-city council
run nursing home, meself.
But if you think they'll have you.
For Stella.
Her birthday.
Tomorrow.
I know it's her birth that's tomorrow.
Think I don't know my own daughter's birthday?
That's tomorrow.
Her birthday was two months ago.
You IOU'd her a special day out.
I'm a bit strapped.
It's free admission.
I also can't be bothered.
Oh!
Ah!
No, no.
If you think having a stroke is going to guilt trip me.
It's mostly fatigue.
Comes and goes.
I'll barely be able to move by the morning.
Probably going to need help getting on and off the toilet.
Oh, fine.
I'll go.
Are you going to tell them or what?
Yeah, I'm moving in with Clem.
Way to sound enthusiastic, Carl.
Cheers.
It's a bit sudden isn't it?
I'm sorry, don't you mean congratulations?
Yeah.
Of course.
Congratulations, mate.
GLORIA: Right.
So I'll see you at 10:30 in the morning for highlights
and a blow dry.
All right.
Bye, love.
Nice.
Who's it from?
Could be anyone, couldn't it?
But if I had to guess, I'd say it's
the sober half of whoever you were two balls in last night.
Aren't you worried he knows where you're living?
Sorry, sponging.
No, he's found it now.
He won't follow through.
People don't commit to anything these days.
Well, I hope you're right.
It's going to be hard for me to coax punches through the door
with your bollocks nailed to the outside of it.
Something you said has got me thinking.
What did, bollocks or nails?
(MOANING)
Yes.
Brilliant.
Who'd you shag, Cinderella?
Should we tag around pubs and clubs?
Whomsoever this bra fits.
I'm game.
Right, here we go.
Done this kind of thing a lot?
I like to think I'm an old pro, yeah.
Ever got caught?
What the fuck?
SHANE: Right.
Let him get in there.
Give him a couple of minutes.
Let them start getting their jiggy on.
I reckon we'll--
In case of cameras.
And what makes you--
Did you bring me one? - No.
Why not?
I figured you bring your own.
Old pro and all.
Come on you fucking idiot.
All right.
Off you go.
You what?
One of us has got to stay up here.
Right?
Throw as much as you can.
And I'll help you back up.
Why don't you go down there?
Bagsie up here!
Sorry.
Law of the playground.
It's not fucking Belmarsh.
Fucks sake.
Get over it.
Trying.
Me mask.
Oh, for fucks sake.
Oi!
I thought you only said you had one pair.
If you think I'm letting you stick your face in me
wife's tights. - Oh, whatever, Jackson.
Just get on with it.
He's probably mentally counting off
the England 96 squad by now.
It's locked.
It opens upwards.
You've a lot to say for a spectator.
What are you doing?
Having a look.
Who's going to get us back up there now?
You all right?
Yeah.
Mate, you can do better.
Say that again.
You know you can, fucks sake, Carl.
She's--
What?
You know.
I mean can she even?
Yeah, she can.
And a fuck load better than Toploader, too.
You and Lise?
Mate, me and a lot of birds.
And none of them that won't even come close.
You need to start opening your eyes.
Seriously, man.
The way she talks all the time.
Big I am.
Not anybody can go to university, you know?
They probably only took her because she--
Fuck you.
Fuck off.
What?
We're going.
Bye bye.
TOPLOADER: Bye bye.
Fuck.
OK.
Calm down, calm down. Right.
Yeah, we'll take the whole thing.
We'll ride out the front fucking Butch Cassidy.
How do we go from nicking fags to grand theft auto?
It's called improvising, Jackson.
Wait.
Stand back.
[car alarm sounds]
Shit.
Fuck.
Sorry.
Fuck my ass.
Dickhead, I said stand back.
MAN IN DOORWAY: Oi.
Derek.
SHANE: Fuck.
Shit. Fish in a barrel?
Shane.
Hello.
What's all this then?
It's contributions for the farm.
Thought it was free.
Off you go, chicken.
[ferret clucking]
(SCREAMS)
[squish]
I think we're done here, Princess.
(GIRL SCREAMS INSIDE BARN)
Just remember, if the old bag asks, come on.
Wasn't my fault.
Never work with amateurs.
Not your dinner is it?
Since you blew our pay day, as a matter of fact is, Jackson.
Yeah, I grabbed it when you knocked all the shit over.
That was you.
They're out of date, Shane.
Sell by's are bollocks.
You can always add a week, OK?
Anyway besides, it's fucking free isn't it.
What do you want?
Cost two quid in the shops.
Lise?
Hmm?
Been thinking.
We're getting on all right aren't we?
Yeah.
So what do you reckon we just go for it?
Why don't you move in with me?
Well, I'll have to ask Ryan.
Who's Ryan?
He's sort of my boyfriend.
Well, I'll definitely think about it.
All right.
Aww, hiya you.
So what are we going to do about it then?
He's your best mate.
I'm a wheeler.
I'm not good enough for him, right?
Don't talk shite.
Uh-huh.
Well, tomorrow, me and you are going on a picnic.
We'll take it from there.
You don't mind me going on a date with a boyfriend do you?
Me?
Oh, I didn't even know you knew Ryan.
Yeah, if you like.
I'm probably moving in with Ches anyway.
All right.
See you tomorrow.
I don't get it.
Why risk our arses nicking stuff they're
going to be keeping an eye on?
Take stuff past its sell buy, sell it on, money for nothing.
So you want us to steal garbage?
Yes.
And do what with it?
Flog it off street corners?
Jackson look at me.
Right?
Do I look like a fucking fruit and veg man?
A little, yeah.
But you're missing the bigger picture.
I'm talking take in bulk, sell in bulk.
Schools, kitchens, anywhere that's after cutting
corners and saving pennies.
There's profit in their rubbish.
It's original.
I'll give you that.
Jog any memories?
Didn't wear much underwear, so classy bird of yours.
Oh, you look lovely.
She wasn't blonde, after all.
She was a redhead.
Good.
We're narrowing it down then.
MAN AT DOOR: Open this door you fucking twat.
[banging at door]
What are you doing you lunatic?
Beat the crap out of you.
Shut up.
MAN AT DOOR: Do you want me to torch
your fucking place, do you?
Do you think he wants these back?
MAN AT DOOR: Open the fucking door.
You twat.
You're fucking dead.
I'm fucking coming for you.
I'm telling you. - Think he's gone.
No.
He's gone.
Don't talk too much.
It's all right, he's gone.
See?
I told you it'd be OK, didn't I?
[window breaks]
(SCREAMS)
You could give us a hand.
I do love you Glores, but manual labor?
Jesus was a carpenter.
Yeah.
look where it got him.
Hey, Dom?
This is stupid.
You're a very negative person, Ches.
And nice picnic is just what we need to get to know each other.
So apart from the fact he's going out with me,
I hear you're also fucked up with our Carl
for not joining you on the reccie drugs anymore.
Yeah, well, what did you expect?
Now that he's all, uphold the law, save the public trust.
Sickening isn't it?
So regular or decaf?
Was I here a few nights ago?
I wasn't on.
Did you get any red heads in?
Well, just Ginger Pete.
Unless he's a 32C, he's probably not who I'm after.
Ay.
Real leather?
What?
Leather.
Kelly!
What the fuck is going on?
Bollocks.
Fucking kill her.
Fucking slut.
You're barred.
You are barred.
Fucking how dare you?
Come on.
Eight.
What?
Don't think girls can rate other girls asses?
No.
That's weird.
Now that's an eight.
CLEM: Five.
No, three.
Hey, seven.
Six.
BOTH: Nine.
So?
No way.
I won't tell Carl.
I am not rating a guy's arse.
Four.
Fuck off.
He's barely a three.
Oh shit out of my way.
Two years and I ended it with him.
Why?
I caught him.
What, cheating?
Not exactly.
You and Carl have got no chance.
He's practically in training for the Olympics.
It wasn't so much the deed itself.
It's more the visual aid.
Huh?
Pedigree pets.
What dog was--
German shepherd.
Fucking hell.
You know, they're not even that fit.
There.
You know what?
WOMAN: Ah.
Ah.
Oh, yeah.
I remember.
MYSTERY WOMAN: Ah.
She was black.
It's not funny anymore, Dominic.
I laid awake last night worrying that nutter was coming back.
And you have done nothing to try and find out who
it was you were actually with.
I've narrowed it down.
I've already crossed of Ginger Pete.
What is wrong with you?
Does nothing ever bother you, huh?
You flit about like there's never
going to be any consequences.
Like somehow it's all just going to work out.
- Usually does. - No, it doesn't.
You just wind up back here and muggins has
to drag you out of the fire.
So maybe you should stop.
This my home, Dominic.
And I'm tired of taking the punches because you won't.
All right.
I'm sorry, sis.
Listen, about the plan.
We're going to have to make sure--
Way ahead of you.
What's this?
This stuff's going to be a lot bigger than cigarettes.
OK, here's what we do.
In and out, 10 minutes tops.
That's the roof there.
Those are the cages.
Head over to them, fill your bags with as much as you can,
bring them back here.
Then, I'll pull them up, unload them here and pass
the bags back down again.
Easy.
You drew this?
Yeah.
And that's, that's me?
Is it there?
Yeah.
Why am I small?
It's not to scale, Shane.
Oh, but that's you is it?
Up there, taking it easy whilst I run around like a little pack
mule.
Well, I did come up with the plan.
A plan?
You drew a fucking picture.
Oh, does that suddenly make you brains of the operation now?
Yeah.
That's right, I am.
Oh, very mature.
Admit it, you had fun.
Well, I did.
We should do it again some time.
Maybe invite Carl.
He doesn't get to mess about much anymore.
Well, he get's everything else.
Wouldn't have mattered who he was moving in with would it?
You just don't like the idea of him growing up
and getting on with his life.
What about--
Jesus, what was the point if any of this?
What do I have to do?
I am not going to be one of those girls
that comes between mates.
So you want to shag me or what?
Will that do it?
Even things up a bit?
- What you mean? - Come on.
I'll give you a hand job right now.
If that's what it takes.
CARL: Frank, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
What's that?
An Albanian Snow Leopard.
It's a terrapin.
Why bother asking then?
Whatever it is, he's dying.
He's not a tortoise, he needs water.
FRANK: There you go, Terry.
Terry?
It's his name.
So how did your great experiment go?
Manage to win him over?
She has her moments.
Anything you can't do?
Water-skiing.
But I'll get there.
By the way, offered him a no strings shag and he said no.
Loyal mate this one.
No, he just couldn't get it up, could he?
Fuck off.
Yay.
Hug it out.
Yeah that's probably not going to happen, is it?
CARL: So you really offered him a shag?
Yeah.
And he really said no?
[cell phone rings]
Go.
Remember the deal, two loads and then we swap.
Yeah.
Get down here.
Pulling a plastic bag over barbed wire.
Fucking genius. well done, mate.
This is your plan is it?
Just strolling out?
You're the brains now, are you?
And the brawn.
That's debatable.
Want to fucking go, do you?
Maybe I do, yeah.
SECURITY GUARD: (CLEARS THROAT)
It's not what it looks like.
Brilliant, that should fool him.
What, do you think you could do better.
Yeah, I could.
Be my fucking guest.
How much, mate?
To turn a blind eye.
20 quid?
You do know that stuffs out of date?
And you want to pay me to let you nick out of date food?
Apparently.
Fuck it.
Make it 25, I'll help load it myself.
Done.
You're off then are you?
New life, new dream with your little sympathy vote
girlfriend?
Watch your mouth.
Fair dues.
Don't forget Father's Day.
That's it?
It would appear so.
You really are a cunt, you know that?
90% perspiration son.
The more I practice, the luckier I get.
If you're looking to cash in your inheritance,
I've invested it on your behalf.
I'm just glad to get the dust of that shit all off my shoes.
We're glad to see the back of you.
I'm ashamed of you, you know that?
Always have been.
You're the one ride I'd always wished I'd worn a Johnny for.
Two for safety.
I really fucking hate you.
I know.
Likewise.
Cunt.
Ball bag.
Mondays and Thursdays before the staff get in.
[music playing]
Two schools, two shelters, three old farts homes.
You know what we've got here, don't you?
What?
A fucking business.
What are you doing?
Terry!
What in God's names wrong with you now?
Where is he?
Fucking gone.
Who's Terry?
Me fucking terrapin.
Who else would he be?
What?
Where is he?
What have you done?
Oh, Terry!
Where is he?
You've killed him.
We were the same, him and me.
All alone in the world.
Dumped in the gutter, loved ones gone forever.
Well, admittedly in his case, it's cause I stood on them all.
But that's just fucking--
(SCREAMS)
Ah, there he is.
Hey.
He went home.
He wet his head and crawled home.
What'd I tell you?
Just like me.
Rent's on Friday, keep the noise down.
If you ever bring any women back,
make sure she's got a friend for me, yeah?
Good news.
Yeah?
Yes Yeah.
I talked to Ryan.
We're through.
Oh.
So I'm moving in.
It'll be nice living in a shop.
Oh, Can I have this?
Yeah.
Being me stuff round later this afternoon, yeah?
Want to make it official?
It's going to be nice, walking in there money for care.
Not feeling like such a loser.
Last few weeks have been hard.
Ain't even felt like a man.
Me and her have hardly even fuck--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the fuck you doing?
Airing and sharing?
We're business partners.
This is not a fucking self-help group.
Plus, I still owe you a slap.
Now, piss off.
Oh, and Jackson, give her one from me all right?
You are the brawn after all.
Yes.
And the brains.
So what's that make you?
The good looking one?
[beeping]
Ches?
Chesney?
CHES: Ah.
(SCREAMS)
Yes.
Ches?
Hey, Karen'll go mental.
You know the rules, nothing with four legs
unless is got a blind person attached to it.
Perhaps you'd think about staying
somewhere else just for a bit?
Witness relocation's a bit strong, don't you?
Look, I've done nothing wrong.
Well, legally.
Look I'll just--
Don't say it will work out.
Please, Dominic.
Fellows being asking after you the last couple of days.
Oh, let us know when he's in again, yeah?
He's in now.
Gloria, he's all right.
I'll just-- I'll have a nice word.
You know, straighten out.
Do you really ever?
[MUSIC- THE PRODIGY, "SMACK MY BITCH UP"]
Smack my bitch up.
I remember now.
There was two of them.
And the black girl, she had red hair, which I thought
was pretty strange when you come to think about it.
This-- this will be that consequence
you been banging on about.
I guess, that's what it is.
I want a fucking with you.
Gentleman, please.
Don't.
You fucked their wives.
Both of them, at once.
Isn't he a priest?
Hey!
For what it's worth, they're lovely girls.
ANGRY HUSBAND: Get up.
[music playing]
(SOUNDS OF FIGHTING)
[music playing]
You want your switchblade on sale.
I'll get my guns from Sal.
Oh, thanks.
[music playing]
With a guy like Popeye.
Oh, guess who's strapping now.
What the fuck is that thing?
His name is Terry.
There, that'll do.
Cheers.
You're welcome.
Wake up call?
I need a drink, now.
Let me get you one, eh?
OK.
Glores, will you sub us a tenner there?
Mom?
If you're going to borrow my tights at least--
Actually, that was me.
Oh, God, I don't want to know.
Just give me some money and I'm out for the day.
Kitchen.
Hey, we're going out, too.
I'm buying you dinner.
Flush, are we?
Now, please can I have a pint?
Of course.
Come on.
You know I'm good it.
MICKEY (VOICEOVER): I don't know.
Maybe Robin Hood kind of had the right idea
but just didn't have good business sense.
That's all.
Because the thing about the poor is,
they'll always find money if they need it.
For the necessities and that.
You see, that's why you never see a sober homeless.
Steal from the rich, sell to the rich,
and let the mark it up for the poor.
Now, that should have been his thing.
The daft twat.
See, I've always liked being at rock bottom.
Then any little victory you can muster tastes so much sweeter.
One little gamble and suddenly everything is coming up roses.
[theme song plays]
DOMINIC: Next.
So sorry.
Nice set though.