Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing
fuck all about owt, needs to watch their backs.
So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky high, literally, literally taking
the grass from it's own roots.
Now you've got your condemnation,
liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely, as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now.
Party!
MICKY (VOICEOVER): When I was little, me mum used to say,
if someone hurt you, hurt them back.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
She said we'd be OK doing that, because wherever we went
in the world, whatever we did, there'd
be an angel watching over us.
But I don't know about anyone else's angel.
I've always thought mine must be like a psycho knobhead one,
you know, getting off on me doing the wrong thing.
And I'll tell you this for nothing,
it does my fucking head in.
Have you seriously no shame, you?
Using pictures of your babby to get into the knickers
of some unsuspecting slappers?
Fuck off.
I'm not trying to get into anyone's knickers.
Unlike you lot, I'm not desperate and sad
and with bollocks like space hoppers due to under use.
I'm not desperate.
I fucking am.
Got blisters, me.
I shagged your mum before we come out.
So I'm sorted.
You don't shag me mum.
You make love to her.
Stop it, stop talking.
What are you doing?
Why would you speak about that?
Tell me again, why we can't fucking kill him.
Come on, power in numbers.
Do you work here or are you a student or what?
Cheeky bastard, do I look like a student?
Smell like one.
Going for a tom tit.
If you must know, I'm a serial killer.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I've murdered shit loads of people.
Haven't I, Jade?
Buried underneath the patio.
Huge patio.
Skin them alive, making a suit out of me victim's flesh.
Yeah, I've heard of that.
It's kinky.
Oh, the suit's not for me.
It's for me dog.
So we can go out like two mates instead of me
and woman's best friend.
So you like dogs?
Just Dalmatians.
Cruella de Vil thing.
You are the weirdest person I have ever met.
I certainly fucking hope so.
Put it away.
I've just had me dinner.
What did you have?
Don't say I never give you nothing.
Oh, God, sorry, that was work.
I've got to shoot.
I'm on call.
What, you a doctor?
Do you think they'd let me loose with a stethoscope
and nowhere decent to warm my hands?
I'm a warden at some retirement flats, Black Briar court,
do you know it?
Old folks home?
I've gotta go back.
You can call me if you like.
We could carry on the party there.
Yeah, I do like.
Give me two minutes.
Got a light, mate?
Got a spare cig, an' all?
You got anywhere to go?
I don't care how wrecked she is.
As long as she can say, oh, yes, Chesney, thank you, Chesney.
Don't expect to lay eyes on me until the morning.
I am about to get fucking beastly with the most
beautiful girl in Manchester.
Yeah, where is she, you fucking hound.
I can't see, she must have--
No, not the spaz.
Fuck off.
She must have bolted.
Right, I better--
Fuck!
Do you want a Viagra?
I never go anywhere without my little bits.
There's no rush, is there?
You're the boss.
Must be my guilty Catholic conscience.
Just so you know, I'm an aggressive power bottom.
But I will switch for the right fella.
Outside.
Now.
Can't we just do it in the--
Hold on in there, mate.
Hold on in there, you'll be all right.
Hold on in there, mate.
Hold on in there.
Shit.
Ew, do you always laugh like that?
It's really fucking annoying.
Go on, die.
It'd be hilarious.
You can't say that.
You're my guardian--
What have you got to go back to?
My life.
Is that what you call it?
Scared of your own shadow before all this.
What you going to be like now?
I'm not scared.
Grab life with both hands, did you?
Eh?
The little sperm that could.
You have an apology for a life, an anti-life.
And I'm your anti-angel.
Say hello to your anti.
Fuck off.
He's opened his eyes, thank Jesus, Joseph, and Mary.
He's going to be all right.
Might be even better.
You know, a bang on the head, new and improved version.
Who done this to you, Mickey?
Who was it, lad?
Just let him get his bearings, Mimi.
She's upset.
We're all upset.
Yeah, what happened mate?
One minute you were there and the next you just disappeared.
Yeah, a bit of a downer to be honest.
It was shaping up to be a cracking night, as well.
I can't remember.
What's up with me?
Concussion, bruised ribs.
He could be brain damaged.
Don't fucking say it, I'm warning you.
He's my baby.
They left you for dead, kid.
What the fuck were you doing out in the middle of nowhere,
anyway?
I wish I could remember, really.
It's all a bit foggy.
Well, when it does come back, let us know.
We'll take care of it.
I know what you're thinking.
You went to bed with Rihanna and woke up with a fat pig
from Crumpsall.
I wasn't thinking--
You're not fat.
Fuck off.
I'm just messing with your head, pal.
I'm only in it for the sex.
And I bagged myself a blonde.
Score.
Shut the door and your way out, yeah?
I'm in Crumpsall?
[MUSIC - NANCY SINATRA, "THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN"]
You keep saying, you've got something for me.
Hi, gorgeous.
Step aside, boys.
Show us your tits and we'll think about it.
Where you headed? Keep you company.
You think?
I know.
I know what I'd do to you.
Show her some respect, lads.
All right.
Let's do it right here, then.
Who's first?
And that's just what they'll do.
One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
Start walking.
[knocking]
There he is.
Dirty stop-out.
Fuck off.
So who was it then?
That bird in the wheelie?
Yeah, right.
Shag cripples, that's what I'm into.
Fuck.
Patty, I didn't mean anything by it.
Don't apologize to me.
I hate the moaning bastards.
Don't knock the raspberries.
Some of my best customers are the paralytics.
Wait, how can you hate them when you're in that?
I wasn't born like this.
I had an accident.
It's different.
Tragedy befell me.
Anyway, it was a girl in the taxi queue.
Not Clem.
Oh, Clem, is it?
Comes with her own WD-40?
You looked in the mirror lately?
You're no fucking oil painting, mate.
It's not the fish, it's me.
Say it.
- Fuck off. - Admit it.
I'll admit I shagged your sister.
- Makes two of us. - Easy.
Ha, filth.
I never text.
It's prehistoric.
You need a clear head.
Got an essay to write later?
Yeah, you run along now, schoolie.
I don't give a shit about the essay,
but if I don't submit it, then I'll get a detention.
It's detention, who cares?
School's school, innit?
You get a detention, you got a detention.
Shut up.
What are you at school for, anyway?
Work hard so you can spend your life tied to a desk?
Not me, man.
I'm a free spirit.
Soon as I'm 18, I'm out of here.
Work the cruise ships, see the world, Med, Caribbean.
[MUSIC - FREDDIE KING, "SHE'S A BURGLAR."]
She's a burglar.
She broke into my mind.
She's a burglar.
Took everything she could find.
She looked into my eyes, they came out from the sockets.
And just like that, my heart was gone.
She put it in her pocket.
Mum, I can walk.
Will you back off?
I'm trying to help you.
You're hurting my ribs.
We're all here for you, Micky, love.
I want you lot to spoil him rotten.
He's had a big shock.
Whatever he wants, we give to him.
That's not ticking, is it?
It smells of strawberries.
Somebody's been using my washing machine.
Someone's been sat in our chairs.
Someone's been eating my porridge.
All right, breakfast, it's just breakfast.
Here comes Goldilocks.
Hiya, lads.
Hi, Auntie Mimi.
Thanks for bringing my case in, boys.
Auntie?
Nice gaff.
Relative to what?
Look, I'm sorry.
No sweat.
Seriously, I was out of line.
Do you think you're the first dick I've met?
I'm a big girl.
Fair enough, I deserved that.
You didn't exactly declare your hand now, did you?
What?
It never occurred to you that the chair might
come as a bit of a surprise?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I do.
I lure men in with me able-bodied ruse
[? so's ?] they can humiliate themselves.
That's a good night out for me, that,
how I like to spend my time.
I'm not fooled, you know.
You like me.
Right, I'm off.
Nice to see you again, Ruby.
You're looking all grown up.
Eyes to the front, roll your tongues back in, lads.
Take care of your brother.
I am really sorry.
That's OK.
God gave you your talents and you use them to your advantage.
Just don't take the piss.
I really did need to use the machine.
My stuff was manky when I came through the window.
That's what I mean about taking advantage.
Break into my house again, I'll have your tits for ashtrays.
Understood.
How's your mum, then?
She still hates you.
No change there, then.
Yeah, but why is it illegal.
Fair enough, no one wants babies with eight
fingers in each hand.
But, fuck it, if you wear a condom.
She's your first cousin.
We've only got her word for that.
I've not seen her in 10 years.
We should get a DNA test done.
I mean, it's hard to believe she's the same species
as you lot, let alone family.
Get to fuck.
OK, A blow job from a cousin, now that has got to be legal.
How are they gonna test for that?
She ain't my cousin.
But I'm your step-son.
Dad, please, do not shag by cousin.
MICKY: I'm not scared of you, right?
So why don't you just fuck off.
Who you talking to?
No one, I'm, I'm just doing me exercises for my lungs.
Have you gone fucking mental?
There's still lots of places never been mapped, you know.
Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, and stuff, thousands of islands.
Don't you need degrees for that, though?
This is all I need.
Pieces of paper and diplomas make no difference.
- What's she called? - Who?
The bird you're looking at.
Who gives a shit about her name?
He only reads it for the articles.
What is it though? What's her name?
Read it yourself if it matters that much to you.
Do I look like a fucking slave?
Do I?
No.
Was it a gay thing?
I can say it louder if you like.
It's my own fault. It was me what went there.
Painted a target on your head, did you?
I mean, I'd help out, but--
I fuck strangers in alleyways and cars.
This is an occupational hazard.
I fuck strangers in alleyways and cars.
I've never had my head caved in for me trouble.
It's different.
It shouldn't be.
You can't let this rattle you.
No, clearly.
You need to get out, let no cunt intimidate you, be a man.
- I am a man. - Well, do it then.
Oh, sorry, mate.
I'm sorry.
Fucking virgin.
He still says it's amnesia.
Ambulance picked him up in Gorton.
- So? - So who runs Gorton?
Felix Dennehy.
But if Felix woulda went for him,
he wouldn't have left the job half done, would he?
We have to have somebody.
We can't be seen to do nothing.
Besides, the Denney's have been getting a bit previous.
How hard?
I think I might need to tape it down, lads.
How hard do we hit the big Felix?
Random door in Gorton.
Not important.
All right, Ruby.
Billy, Uncle Billy.
Step-uncle.
Are you going running?
I'm quite fit myself.
That's a fair assessment.
You know me and Mimi are quite relaxed about stuff.
Oh, well, I will bear that in mind.
Don't shit in your own doorstep, Billy.
Enjoy your detention?
No.
Next time hand in your homework.
Can I ask you a question, miss?
Mmm-hmm.
I've got a mate who can't read, an adult, well, I mean,
older boy.
There are evening classes, day classes at college, too.
He's not really a joiner.
I think he's embarrassed about it.
You're not remotely as dumb as you
try to get away with, are you?
He wants to travel, work on ships.
Your friend needs to get over the embarrassment
and deal with it or his life chances will be limited.
You need qualifications.
Your mate, Frasier Kane, that boy has more than just
literacy problems, Croker.
Why don't you give anybody a chance?
He's the smartest guy I know.
I seriously doubt that.
Thanks for the advice.
Heaton.
She always were a frustrated cow.
Hated me.
[music playing]
All right, sexy.
You got to tease your man.
You've got to please your man.
Is that her?
Clever girl.
And the rest, that one will never starve, I tell you.
Thinks she can conquer the world, that one.
Didn't you at that age?
I was practicing blow jobs on bananas.
I thought it was the best way to a man's heart.
She's had it hard, the kid.
When our Kenny died and her ma brought her back from Australia
to Glasgow, didn't tell a fucking soul,
cut her off from the family.
Is she Scots then?
Only by misfortune.
Scouse by paternal line.
And what brings her here?
I've asked half a dozen times.
Still haven't got a clue.
MICKY: Got a light, mate?
Outside, now.
You can't let this rattle you.
Can I take that?
You can get a cab closer.
It's gotta be this one.
Just for argument's sake, say you
did shag a bird in a wheelie, in a wheelchair, wouldn't it hurt?
Maybe.
If you let the brakes off.
No, not me, her, I mean, I'd be scared of breaking
something, hurting her.
She won't be able to feel anything.
Oh, that's a misconception.
In fact, for some of us, sensation is heightened,
considerably heightened.
Clem!
Clementine!
Clem!
There's two Rs in sorry.
I'm not a complete idiot.
There weren't enough bricks.
I am, really.
Wait there.
You robbed those from someone's garden.
Liberated is the word you're looking for.
Look, you're forgiven, all right?
Go on about your business with a clear conscience.
You're not a dick, you're just another regular lad.
If I let stuff like that bother me,
I'd really be up shit creek, wouldn't I?
I don't want to be just a normal lad.
I want to be your lad.
No means no, Carl.
Am I a man?
Yeah, my turn.
Am I in a band?
No.
Wayne Rooney.
No way.
How did you just guess that?
Because you're a bloke and I thought like a bloke.
I'm sitting here with these largely on display,
so I'm gonna assume you're not thinking
about other women, which leaves music and football.
And you said he wasn't in a band.
Yeah, but it's still a leap.
You're a blue, right?
Except you think you're sneaky so
you're trying to double bluff me and pick a red.
But if you're going to pick a red,
you're gonna pick an ugly one because you
hate them that much.
You are good.
And significantly better off than when I came in.
Whoa, you can't use made-up names.
Yeah.
Hiya.
Hi.
Behave yourself.
If you could just retrieve my car and deliver it to my home.
It's her, innit?
Miss Heaton, detention queen.
Get out of my way.
We're not in school now.
Excuse me.
I don't think so.
You never liked me.
You weren't a very likeable boy.
I see not much has changed.
Watch your mouth.
You can't hide behind your desk now, you bitch.
You're not, you're not a stupid boy There are programs
where you can learn to read.
You can't read?
I'm not a stupid boy.
I'm not a boy.
Would you like to see?
Shh.
Stop it.
Let's see how smart you are with a real man up you.
Get off me!
Frasier!
Boys, help me, please.
Frasier!
Boys!
Shut the fuck up!
I'll deal with you later.
Shut up.
Shh.
OPERATOR (ON PHONE): Black Panther Cabs?
Yeah, I need a taxi.
OPERATOR (ON PHONE): And where is it picking up from, please?
Just outside your office.
OPERATOR (ON PHONE): All our drivers
here are on their breaks.
What about the guy in the black Vectra outside?
OPERATOR (ON PHONE): He's not available.
All right, no worries, I'll just call another company.
OPERATOR (ON PHONE): He'll be right out.
Where to?
Rusholme.
Lot of rubbish on these streets.
I don't mind the blacks.
They've settled down.
It's the Pakis I've got a problem with.
Our streets, our neighborhoods, infiltrating us.
Then what?
Semtex in their rucksacks.
That's what this pays for, you know.
Fucking Council Tax, it all goes on them, furnished flats,
kitchens, legal appeals, don't get me started on the crack
heads, the whores, the diseased.
Queers.
Go on, then.
Do it.
Do it, you cowardly piece of shit.
If you can't do him, do yourself.
What's the matter with you?
Stop it.
A lot of rubbish needing swept away.
Don't you think?
Do it.
Stop here, please.
You all right?
Whoa!
A horse enters a pub and the barman
goes, what the fuck's wrong with you?
Mind your own fucking business.
Whoa.
I think you'll find I was here first.
You invaded my drinking area.
A fundamental principle, around this stool,
this is my personal drinking space.
You've got the rest of the known universe to be fucking grumpy.
Sorry.
I've had a rough couple of days, you know.
Yeah, well, well, a problem shared.
I think God's got it in for me.
I can't do right for doing wrong.
How confused are you?
There is no right.
There's no wrong.
There is no God.
Sorted.
Any gratuity is gratefully received.
Maybe, know no right, no wrong.
But I'm the one carrying the scars.
It's not accidental, is it?
Was it the good Lord herself who swung
a tire iron at your bonce?
I think not.
See, I have read her instruction manual.
And one of the very few pearls it offers us
is an eye for an eye.
Fuck all that touchy-feely New Testament shit, fucking
lentil eater's manifesto.
Someone smites you, you smite them right back.
What's that gonna solve?
Well, if you standing up for your people, a lot.
Standing up for my people.
My people bring artistic pleasure to millions.
Them the choirs?
Oh, yeah.
Can't you tell?
[MUSIC - GEORGE MICHAEL, "FAITH"]
Whoa I give my heart away, and I know all the games you
play because I play them, too.
Because I gotta have faith.
I gotta have faith.
Because I gotta have faith.
I gotta have faith, faith, faith.
Where the fuck have you been?
Have you got something to say to me?
No.
Well, get with the program, there, champ.
I'm not going to be around for while.
Where are you going?
Let him go.
Aidan, you better not talk to anybody.
If you've got, flaunt it, fair enough,
but be responsible with it.
I am responsible.
I was young once myself, you know.
Men might button up the back, but I don't.
Why are you here, kid?
And no bull shit.
My ma threw me out.
If I call her, she'll confirm that, will she?
I thought you couldn't stand her.
I hope she dies a long, slow death.
I'll still call her, though.
I'll get my stuff.
Don't be stupid.
You stay as long as you like.
I owe that to your dad, at least, God rest his soul.
Your business is your business.
And I won't ask again.
Don't seduce all the lads at one time, now, eh?
[music playing]
Come on, baby.
You're gonna like it once you get a taste.
I gotta feeling in my heart something good
is about to start.
And that's a hot dog, hot dog.
Watch me eat a hot dog.
Hot dog, hot dog.
Come on let's do the hot dog.
E-A-T H-O-T D-O-G, hot dog.
What is it you want from me, Carl?
I don't know.
You're stalking a girl dressed like a dog.
And you don't know what you want?
Not exactly a man with a plan, are you?
I want to be with you.
After one conversation in a club?
They say it can happen at first sight.
I'll tell you what I think.
I want to strap you onto me and fuck you till your eyes water.
Take the costume off first?
[MUSIC - FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE, "DOG DAYS ARE OVER."]
Happiness hit her like a train on a track.
Coming towards her stuck, still no turning back.
She hid around corners and she hid under beds.
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled.
The dog days are over.
The dog days are done.
The horses are coming, so you better run.
Run fast to your mother, fast for your father,
run for your children for your sisters and your brothers.
Leave all your love and your longing behind.
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive.
The dog days are over.
The dog days are done.
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come.
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back.
struck from a great height by someone who
should know better than that.
The dog days are over.
The dog days are done.
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come.
Whoa.
What the fuck are you doing?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't slice your head off
and kick it down the street.
How'd you find me?
I was in your cab.
A lot of rubbish needs swept away.
I thought I recognized you.
No wonder my ass tightened.
Maybe I should just chop that off.
I bet it's shriveled up like a walnut whip now, ain't it?
Show me. - Fuck off.
Get it out.
You bring your filth in here?
Do it!
On your knees, bitch.
It's not nice, is it?
Everything you know stripped away.
All coming to get you, are we?
Blacks, Pakis, queers, anyone who's not you, is that it?
What's your little baby gonna think of that when it arrives?
Don't you talk about my baby.
I really hope you do get a boy.
And I hope it's a faggot.
That way you'll have a lot of cocks
to worry about, not just one.
Please.
It looks like you picked on the wrong guy.
MICKY (VOICEOVER): You can go through life being a cliche,
doing everything that's expected of you.
Nose to the grindstone, live to work, work to live.
But fuck that.
Breakaway and dance to a different beat.
Ring the changes and just live.
Learn to stand proud, head held high.
Fuck your detractors.
What do they know?
Got a light, mate?
MICKY (VOICEOVER): There's no angels, good or bad.
Spare a cig, or not?
MICKY (VOICEOVER): There's only you,
to be proud and fuck the rest.
That should be enough.
OK.
Empty your pockets.
Oh, they must be mine.