Anyone watching thinking we know
fuck all about fuck all about needs to watch their backs.
Oh.
So you've had your Labor, reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky high, literally, literally taking
the glass of it's own roots.
Now you've got your condemnation.
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we've had a national fucking
stroke, or what is revolution a word or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester.
And they charge us for water.
I wondered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found,
green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Fucking ya, ya, ya.
[screams] It's not there's any more.
This is our England now.
Party.
[loud dance music]
Every uncle or aunty I had swore blind that they sold
The Beatles play the Cavern.
And you couldn't move down Matthews Street for people
but claimed they spotted Johnny Rotten
or danced to Joy Division down at Erics.
But not me.
I was too young for those bands.
I always felt that I was never in the right place
at the right time.
I never saw The Beatles, The Pistols, or Joy Division.
My time was different.
Mimi.
You all right?
Never better sweetheart.
I always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
What?
You called it a night?
No way.
You know me.
I'm one of the original 24 hour party people.
What's up?
Is there anything wrong with this picture?
What picture?
Jesus babe.
We're different from them.
So what?
Different doesn't last.
The same lasts.
It's all about you and me remember.
Fuck the rest.
Come on.
You up for some more?
God yeah.
Do you know what?
On second thought.
You've just had a couple of lines and a pill.
Baking soda and aspirin.
Come on, let's go.
OK, if that's what you want.
[moaning]
Southern Cemetery followed by a memorial
lunch at the Midland.
Could be nice. - No.
We're going to St. Pat's.
And that's the end of it.
They've the shortest mass in Manchester.
Why fucking vultures, you too.
The funeral crashers, it's a social responsibility.
It's a free lunch.
It's a buzz.
You never know what's going to happen at a funeral.
All that pent up frustration and years
of resentment and bitterness.
The yin and yang of familial love and hate.
Very strange, Mrs. Croker, if you don't mind me saying.
I consider it a compliment.
Looking well, both.
- Thank you. - Considering.
Yeah, all right, Lilian.
We get the message.
Time to make tracks.
Got to get there early if we want a decent seat.
She's keen.
The deceased was a close personal friend.
Whatever you say.
What's up with your face?
Everyone keeps banging on about how well we're doing--
Well, we are.
There you go.
You said it would take years off.
Hairdresser.
Not a supplier of miracles.
Could get a little work done.
Not uncommon these days.
Upstairs or down?
Eh, downstairs is as good as new.
Thank you very much.
Me and me mister are hand in glove.
I only ask because the old woman sometimes
has a lift down below.
Tightens things up for the new tenant.
Demi, our Babs, Liz Taylor.
You've got to love the cougars.
You're not saying all those girls have had their--
God, no.
Liz couldn't, not with her back.
And the fact she is dead.
Oh, sorry.
And there is that.
And when they did Joany, they maid
a little person from the excess, and that's
how we've got Simon Cowell.
What do you think I'd need.
A head transplant.
Enough with the fucking wise cracks.
I'm serious here.
About cosmetic surgery?
You're in your prime Mim's.
I'm going to lose him.
Maybe not now.
But sometime.
- What's he done? - Who?
Billy.
Nothing.
If that little fucker is dipping his wick, I'll just--
He hasn't done anything.
It's not him.
It's me.
I can't be everything he needs.
These sandwiches taste of feat.
Any one for a topper?
Oh, no thank you.
No, I really couldn't.
Any more sherry, I'll be shifting doilies.
I'll have some.
Incoming at 9 o'clock.
Insurance salesman, I'm thinking a ambulance chaser.
We might get a free pen.
Afternoon, ladies.
Thank you for coming.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Indeed.
Did you know Irene well?
Oh, very close.
We were at one time.
Who's Irene?
The lady who passed away so tragically.
So, when where you close?
Back in the day, in the 60's.
Too long ago to remember.
No, please.
I'd love you to try.
It's wonderful meeting people who knew my mom.
Your mom?
She loved travel, your mother.
She did.
Especially in the 60's.
We traveled together.
All over.
Across Europe, North America.
I hope you don't mind, but since we only brought my mother
back from Australia yesterday, would
you mind saying a few words?
No.
that's something you should do, surely.
She left when I was two.
She only got back in touch last year.
Someone like you could say so much more.
Oh.
Thanks.
I knew Irene, of course.
Why wouldn't I?
A kind woman.
A good woman.
Church going to the end.
Jewish, of course.
Which is still a religion.
We were together at Prague, Spring.
Oh, yes.
Facing down the might of the Soviet Empire.
And then, of course, there was Woodstock.
Um, something smells good.
Your favorite.
Shepard's pie?
Your second favorite.
Oh, curry.
Pizza.
Sweet.
Thought we could have a quiet night in,
just the two of us and a film,
[laughing]
I thought you were being serious there for a minute.
I am.
All right, yeah.
I'd love to.
Can I ask you something?
Fire away.
What's your favorite book?
Batman.
If there was an election tomorrow,
who would you vote for?
Nobody.
Politics is boring.
World events and stuff?
Makes me sleepy.
I don't care.
Oh, there's a dubstep all-nighter in town.
I say we might go.
You could go on your own.
I mean we don't have to do everything together.
But you said that's the secret to a happy relationship.
Maybe I was wrong.
Go out, have a great time.
[moaning]
Sorry, did I wake you?
No.
Couldn't sleep.
Is everything all right?
Me mind working over time, that's all.
Did you get off with anyone?
What?
No. Of course, not.
- Did you? - No.
Kiss anyone?
Oh, fuck off.
I won't even look at anyone else.
I think it's about time you did.
What?
I'll keep it safe until your dad comes back for it.
Yeah?
No worries.
Forty quid by the end of the week, or it'll be on eBay.
Understand?
Certain.
So this friend--
Of a friend.
Friend of a friend, she wants him to shag around.
Tells him to go for it.
Yeah.
It's a villian's dream, isn't it?
What having a bird pushing him to spread his seed.
Fuck, tell him to fill his boots.
Of course, it means she's splitting up with him.
No, she wants him to stay together.
She's dumping him.
And if your mate can't see that, he's a moppet.
Even that or she's already doing someone herself.
Little lad, wiping away his tears,
says, no, sex is the last thing on me mind.
[laughs]
I hope that's a fucking money tree.
We could Who do with one.
It's a cherry.
I thought we could plant it together in memory of--
We'd have somewhere where we could go to think of her.
For fuck's sake.
There's your pal's lad.
Oh, Christ.
Hello, ladies. I hope you don't mind.
I've tried a few places.
Nice work Sherlock.
It's just I have so many questions about my mother.
My memory's not what it was.
Any scraps from the table?
Well, from what I can gather, she did do Paul McCartney?
But Bobby Charlton was just a rumor.
A bottle of pale ale as well.
That's really good.
And it's good for you, full of iron.
No, she's [inaudible],, but I didn't like--
- What's the fuck's going on? - All right, Billy.
Is it him?
Are you dipping him?
Is that what this is about?
What are you on about?
I'm not fucking having it.
Now, calm yourself fella.
Uh.
fuck.
I think I broke me hand.
Are you all right?
Stop talking to him.
Shut the fuck up, you.
You're an embarrassment.
I'm so sorry about this.
I'm only trying to do what's right, you know?
We can't pretend it never happened.
And I won't live every day like it just has.
Where the fuck are you going?
I'm saving stuff.
A little bit aside ever since the first scan.
Nicked some copper wire from Maine Road for this.
Almost snow suite.
It's beautiful stuff.
Proper quality gear.
We could sell it.
It's got to be a quids worth.
It's a night out, the very least.
I really can't tell you what a tonic this is.
Yes.
You see, I always hated her for abandoning us,
what she did to my father.
But you paint a picture of a woman who
was living life to the full.
I really do now I have to be going.
Thank you.
And goodbye.
Makes me feel somehow better about it.
Inheriting money from a woman I barely knew,
a house full of possessions.
Perhaps I could stay for just one more.
There is so much to tell.
Does that make you feel better?
What goes on in your head?
Are you having an affair?
Do you want shot of me?
No, and no.
What's going on then?
I'm struggling to see the common ground, baby.
It worries me.
Common ground?
I mean like--
I know what it means.
I like "Batman".
I like all graphic novels.
They are works of art.
And I won't vote in the election because politics is bollocks.
It's all bought and paid for in advance.
You vote for whatever comment offends you least.
Do you think you married a gimp or something?
I'm sorry if I offended you.
It doesn't change the problem though.
I'm going for a drink.
On me own.
Marty.
I don't want another baby wearing this stuff.
Sorry.
I just blurted it out.
I thought a night out would do us good.
I'll get a sub off Lilly, and that will see us right.
Complements on a post card please, ladies.
You don't think it's a bit O.T.T. for a job interview?
I mean at you're age.
Making the most of her assests?
Your dad's not earning, so it's down to your mom
to bring in the bacon.
I am stuffed into this.
Too much?
Not enough in my humble.
Designed to hypnotize, cleavage.
It's what God intended.
Too low?
If I was a fella, I'd ride you.
I don't know if I'd give you a job,
but I would definitely ride you.
What are you so nervous about?
I hate job interviews.
I get all sweaty.
I crumble.
You're smart.
Not when people are judging me, looking at me.
I hate it.
Always have done.
Right.
What's the damage?
Oh, it will save till you get your first pay packet.
And you'll do it just like this tomorrow?
I'll have you skipping down the street to that interview
looking a million dollars.
All right.
Best get out of this, hang it up.
Oh, get off.
I mean some guys don't like how the missus looks
in the morning, but I love it--
little puffy eyes that are just like a little chipmunk.
I can suck a banana right out of it's skin.
No hands.
Hello, daddy.
She was dry humping him like a horny schoolie.
She is a horny schoolie.
Is there any other kind?
I don't see what's so funny here.
Your brand new, out of the box husband
was firing into another woman. - I told him to.
I was going to fucking drill to his head.
But I thought, no, you know what?
You might want-- what did you just say?
I told him to.
It was my idea.
It's true.
I don't understand either.
So don't ask.
I don't want it.
I want us to see other people.
I want an open relationship.
It's not right.
It's disgusting.
I think it's a great idea.
Oh, excellent turn to the daily fucking bugle.
Don't make you feel guilty about what you are doing?
Not a bit.
I've earned it.
You're taken his inheritance off him.
He won't miss something he's never had.
And if he gets some relief from knowing that his mother didn't
entirely hate him, may even have had some affection for him,
I'd say it's money well-spent.
You're meant to be setting an example for us.
We're impressionable.
You are a bollocks.
You haven't been impressionable since you
bought your first pack of 20 king size [inaudible]..
And her you can act like Lady Muck all you please.
You had pram face written all over you.
You really are horrible.
[knocking]
My advice to you is watch and learn.
You won't always be jailbait.
And then what will you do?
I thought we were going into town.
Yeah, we are. Yeah.
It's just a little livener, a swift voddie to line us guts.
Just you and me?
Cross me heart.
We'll have a great night.
It's been ages since we've all been out together.
You sure you're all right with this, mate?
Yeah, of course.
Hey, you've got to admire the girl.
She's doing great.
Yeah.
Manchester!
Is wonderful!
Manchester is wonderful!
[yelling]
I'm forward planning.
I'm being proactive to nip future problems in the balls.
What future problems?
There's a quarter of a century between us.
I don't want to be looking over my shoulder
all the time waiting for that to bite me on the ass.
And the solution is for him to shag other women.
Amongst other things.
I can't be all women to Billy.
And it be humiliating to try.
The stuff in his life where I don't fit in and vise versa--
Now that is a very healthy attitude.
I mean people just get hung up about sex.
It just gets in the way of everything.
What the fuck's that for?
Because I can't fucking slap her.
That's where you come in, son.
He's reluctant.
Your my son, and I trust you.
And that's why I want you to take your step
father out and get him laid.
Now there is a sentence I never thought I would hear
when I woke up this morning.
Sorry.
I'll slow up.
You do realize don't you, there's
not a court in this land that will
convict if I chop the fucking lot of you up right now?
Please, son.
I'll do it.
I'll do it on one condition.
You do it too.
Here.
What about her?
Too obvious.
All right.
Her.
She's taller than I am.
Her.
She's got an Adam's apple.
Well, I don't care if she's a one-legged,
Geordie, fucking dwarf with a glass eye and a ginger beard.
I don't care whether it's a bloke.
You're shagging someone before the night's out.
So who do you want to ride?
I want to ride your mom.
I cannot get used to a world where that is not an insult.
Excuse me.
Bum boys!
It's not what I really had in mind, this.
Don't plan it.
It's not living. Come on.
Kelly, please.
Fucking don't.
What's got into you?
Just fuck off.
Don't start all that.
I can't help it.
Felling all sorry for yourself.
Thinking about you.
I'm dealing with it.
It's time you did.
Fuck.
I hate these places.
I always feel like I stand out.
Why blend in?
What's the fun in that?
It's all right for you.
You always manage to pull off kind of casual, trampy look.
I'm a bit more reserved.
Oh, yeah, that's the word that springs to mind, reserved.
Oy.
You're not a catholic school girl nowadays.
You need to flaunt the goodies.
Well, hello.
I haven't done this in fucking years.
Now listen.
Don't get carried away if you get a lot of attention
early on. All right?
Of course.
Why?
To avoid disappointment.
Somebody might be chatting you up, strategically.
You saying I'm the ugly mate?
No.
Just be realistic.
I will.
Realistically, a woman your age shouldn't try to get away
with wearing a dress like that.
You look like a turkey stuffed in a stocking.
Thank you for a lovely meal.
The pleasure was all mine.
I'll see you tomorrow for the reading of the will.
You must think I'm pathetic, a man my age
all curious about his mother.
We all want to know from whence we came.
Talking to you helps me understand her more,
why she did the things she did.
Could I stay?
Sorry?
Please.
Or you could stay at mine.
I just want to be with you, that's all.
It's like part of her.
No.
Not tonight.
I never had a mother.
You don't know what's that's like to find
her and then lose her again.
Yes, and I'm sure Walt Disney will be making a film about it
very soon.
But I have heard enough.
Thank you.
I'd like you to leave.
I have them every other weekend.
I'm on really good terms with my ex.
The divorce must've been awful for you.
Yeah.
Not the best.
You OK there, Mimi?
Yeah.
Great.
There's got to be a dance floor in here some where?
Yeah.
Up the stairs.
I'd really fancy throwing some shakes.
I'm sure there'll be a line up of guys can't wait
to get on the floor with you.
I'll stay here with, Mini.
If that's OK with you?
Sound.
OK, I'll get some more drinks in.
Off you trot to the dance floor, turkey.
Choosing you over me qualifies as a fetish.
You know that, don't you?
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
I might just do that.
You know what you got in for you know?
Before Letitia finally came along, it wasn't easy.
Averil didn't leave the house for weeks.
Kelly seems to be coping OK though.
No, she's not OK.
She's fucking not.
I didn't mean anything.
Get the fuck off her.
[shouting]
Was that so bad?
No.
Do you need me to accompany you to the bedroom?
No.
You can if you want.
I don't think I could afford the therapy, love.
Just make sure you ride him good, will you?
God Almighty.
What's going on?
Nothing.
What are you doing here?
I wanted to see you sleeping.
Why?
I've don all right.
I'm leading a decent life, good job, no wife yet.
But there is time.
I'm proud of where I've got to.
As you should be.
I should be very fucked up with everything
that was done to me.
I need to know why she left.
I need you to leave this house.
I won't hurt you.
Oh, I know that.
But you have to go.
Yeah.
Cheers.
Fuck me, you're a smooth one. - Not really.
Listen, I'm no expert.
You only have to ask me ex-wives.
Somethings not right here.
What's going on?
I'm married. Happily.
You can't be that happy.
We're trying an open relationship.
So this--
It's the only thing I can think of to keep me
and my fella together in the long term.
There's an age issue.
I don't want it looming over us in the years to come.
And you really don't want to sleep with other men.
But we've both got to do it, or it won't work you see.
Bizarrely.
I think I do.
Pity.
I can peel a satsuma with this tongue.
[moaning]
Where is he?
Where the fuck is he?
Yuck.
Averil Powell.
What a night.
I don't even remember getting home, though.
You woke the whole house needing money for the taxi.
You owe me 10, 20 pounds.
Jesus, what happened to you?
Oh, yeah.
I remember now.
Where are you going?
What do you care?
I don't really.
I used to think you were a victim of circumstance.
And now I can see you're just stupid.
Stupid?
Like the bloke who's grief you're ripping off?
Got you mixed in the will yet?
Doesn't look that bad.
I'm a fucking peanut smuggler.
You could hang your trilby off these.
Oh, behave.
I have breasts, and an ass, and a mouth.
This shouldn't be news to you.
In my first job, it was considered
a privilege to be bent over the boss' desk for a spanking.
Oh, the these that feminism has robbed us of, eh?
Though if it had have been a bloke during the interview,
you'd be on easy street by now.
Maybe you blew her away in the chair.
Let me see, once we established
I had no relevant qualifications or experience to speak of,
a subject we kept returning--
Why did they have you in if you had nothing to offer?
That's exactly what she said.
Precisely what do you have to offer?
Well, the thing is--
What would you say is your breast quality?
Pardon?
Your breast quality?
My best quality?
Just nipple.
Oh, dear.
How embarrassing.
You think?
Look, I'm good.
And I'm fucking clever.
But if paper smarts what counts, there's
a bucketful o out in the corridor fit the bill better.
Look, there is plenty more jobs in the sea.
I look forward to the ritual humiliation.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Mom.
Jesus, Tish, my knickers have hardly hit the floor.
It's the hospital on the phone.
They are offering you the job.
Fuck off.
It's not funny. - It's true.
Hello.
She said she admired my honesty.
Plain speaking.
You are looking at a trainee pharmacist assistant.
Whoo hoo.
Cheers, Averil.
Well done, honey.
You have got a job.
- Good morning. - No.
Don't mate. Honestly.
Don't fucking talk to me.
My head is full up.
There's no more room.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
You shag her?
Yeah.
all night.
Inside out and upside down.
Come on.
This is just getting tasteless now.
You really did it?
Did it for us.
You're a very lucky man.
Fuck off.
You?
I shagged her.
And warts to prove it.
Don't.
Fucking serious right.
Can't take this anymore.
Not another fucking word.
Did he try and pork ya?
You read about such things.
Fork of a fetish for the horrific.
There was no porking attempted or otherwise.
Blackmail him, or call the cops.
He's a pedophile.
No the opposite of a pedophile.
I can be unkind to you sometimes.
But you are conclusive proof that modern culture is rotting
the brains of our youth.
Well, we could ask Jamie to sort him out.
No.
He's got something coming, love.
You can't stroke a lady's hair net and get away with it.
May I?
Please.
I'm sorry.
No need.
You have to understand that--
I do.
A mother's love is important.
All those gobshites over there think I'm about to rip
money out of your pocket.
But I'm not.
I couldn't give a monkey's fart about the money.
I'll tell you the truth about your mother
if you promise to leave here afterwards
and never contact me again.
OK.
I have one further condition.
You said your mommy had a house full of possessions.
There is one item of sentimental value I very much like to have.
It's an album of photographs.
Anything.
I just need to know.
Her name was Irene Phyllis O'Donnell.
She was born 22nd of August 1939,
not '42 as her birth certificate would attest.
She never loved their father.
Whatever you may think of him, he wasn't a nice man.
Bully, aggressive.
She married him on the rebound from the love of her life.
That would be me.
I consider my time with your mommy the best days I ever had.
Rule 1, never stay the night.
Quick shag then home.
Two, always, always wear a Johnny.
Nobody calls them Johnny's any more.
[whistles]
3, no shitting on your own doorstep.
I've suffered enough local humiliation.
No bringing guys back to our marital bed.
Don't need those pictures in me head.
Fair enough.
No one over the age of 25.
I'm your personal M.I.L.F.
No one under the age of 35.
I'm your spunky young lad.
This might actually work, you know.
To be honest, I enjoyed it.
[crying baby]
Oh, I've got a live one.
Oh.
So how was he?
You're old slapper?
What the fuck have I done, G?
Well, that was your idea.
And it's the right idea.
Doesn't make it any easier though.
I've not slept for 48 hours.
It's all right, I've got it.
This isn't what anyone would have wanted.
Least of all me and Kelly.
It's easy to look back and think how things
could have been different.
But what's harder is to look forward when
something like this happens.
Because it's hard to imagine a future what we were blessed--
me and Kelly were blessed.
Our baby's name was Cherry Belle.
She'll always be with us.
Thank you.
That's it now.
It's time to stop grieving and start living.
Where are you going?
It's time I got back on the horse so to speak.
I'm taking a shift at work.
You can't.
I mean isn't it disrespectful to the baby?
Oh, I'm shot to bits.
So am I'm.
Don't know if I'll last.
Oh, come on, babe.
I've been looking forward to this all day.
It's your chapter.
Where did we stop?
Serious Black has escaped from Azkaban and Ron
and Hermione think he's coming after Harry.
[billy reading]
[mimi voiceover]:: They say that you get your reward in heaven,
but they also say that time waits for no man.
Or woman
And if you don't want to wait until you get to heaven,
then you have to grab what you can when you can.
We can't wait for others to fail or for them to succeed
and give us what we need.
Because our time here can be so short.
And we can't wait for the rest of the world to catch up.
So if you're lucky and if you work at it
and throw yourself into it then you
might just might get your reward right here on earth.
And there is how one peels a satsuma using only the tongue.
We've got to go upstairs right now.
The nights young, Gloria.
I'm so wet I might slip off my chair.