Anyone watching, thinking they know fuck
all about knowing fuck all about owt,
needs to watch their backs!
So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky high.
Literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your Con-Dem-Nation, liberals
noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we have national fucking stroke or what?
Is "revolution" a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester.
And they charge us for water!
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Fucking yak yak, yak yak, yak yak, yak yak, yak yak!
It's not theirs anymore!
This is our England now!
Party!
MICKY (VOICEOVER): s always felt I was different.
I never believed that I fitted in.
Life is ordinary, but I was special.
I used to think, "I'm not a part of this.
I can't be.
I must be adopted."
My real mum and dad were film stars.
Yeah, and they couldn't look after me because
of their careers and that.
But one day, one day, they'll come back for me.
My real parents will tip up in a big fuck-off limo,
and whisk me off to a better life.
Excuse me, mister. I really want to do magic.
Can you teach me?
MICKY (VOICEOVER): I never learned.
Fuck off, kid.
MICKY (VOICEOVER): That there's no such thing as magic,
or the tooth fairy, or Father Christmas.
It's like flying pigs.
They don't exist.
We just have to make do with what we've got.
Oh, come on, it's good for you.
Eh?
If you don't eat it, right, then Mr. Cuddles's banana brains
will get splattered all over the wall.
Poof!
Well, I know how you feel.
Can't do a thing with this today.
It's as flat as a gymnast's chest.
Helicopter.
Look, if you don't eat it, right,
then the helicopter will crash.
Let 'em die.
[crying]
Is there a brew going, or what?
Yeah, in the kettle.
That's mine!
- Got your name on it? - Yeah, it has!
Is that porridge?
No, it's a kebab.
She prefers Chocky-choc Pops with a bit of sugar on.
Is that what you feed her?
Well, it's no wonder she won't touch it.
She's holding out for a sugar fix!
That stuff'll rot her teeth. - Only her baby ones.
She'll get on new set when she's older.
Yeah, if she gets older, the amount of shit
you're pumping into her!
You're not fit to be a parent.
What, and you are?
Well, I'm more qualified than you are.
- Who's the daddy? - Who's the daddy?
I'm the fucking daddy.
Where's your fucking tool?
You're a fucking tool!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Pack it in!
It's not about you, or about how good you are!
It's about her!
Smaller spoon.
It's like when you're feeding a poorly snake.
You know, you chop up the mice with the scissors.
Right, you set of lazy bastards.
Morning.
I've got a pile of bills here falling out me arse.
And what are you lot doing about it?
Fuck all.
I need every single one of you worthless shites
to start pulling in some serious money today!
I'm out there grafting already.
I thought we would go to down, get me a new trackie.
I've got a golden shower booked in at 10:00.
I've got me community service.
Prancing about anti-tech in tights ain't community service.
You what?
I picked up needles and shit when I did service.
Him, doing drama, plays and that!
Maybe the magistrate saw something in me.
What, like big fucking gayness?
You're not me dad!
So I reckon the magistrate was a little knocked out by me.
You know, saw that I had a bit of something about me.
Bastard! You bastard.
You fucking bastard.
Because I've done loads of acting, me.
See how you like that.
Yeah, I was the innkeeper.
Well, I played an opportunistic businessman
in a historical drama.
Uh-huh.
And we made a film, "Taxi Driver."
It was fucking mint!
I mean it was mint, Soz.
Yeah, I just really want to make a success out of this.
I think I'm turning a corner, you know?
Yeah, if I could just get this community service
sentence out of the way.
Bastard!
Good news?
It's my ex.
Ran off with my best friend.
You really missing her?
I can get his knees done, if you want.
You know, get him put in a wheelchair and that.
Joke!
No, I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship.
Me stepdad nicks me clothes, right?
He's using one of my t-shirts to sleep in.
And he hits me.
I mean, like proper hits me.
He's cracked a few of me ribs and that.
In here.
I think there's been a mistake.
You shouldn't have called the magistrate "a fucking mong."
He was a fucking mong.
He'd had a stroke.
And?
Dropped down dead from a brain tumor.
Age?
57!
57.
Here's another good one.
"Father of two, 47, knocked down by a bus.
47."
Morbid old crones.
They make Goth Dave look like a children's
television presenter.
Two halves cider, one with black.
That's the one with black.
Can I have some cash for the pool table?
Cheers.
He acts like a child.
But then again, he is, isn't he?
Shouldn't you get him a lemonade too?
Or does the sugar make him a bit hyper?
Oh, careful what you say now.
There are children about.
And we don't want them picking up any bad language, now do we?
[chuckling]
Mummy!
Can I have a bag of crisps, please?
You need to man up.
That, my dear young friend, is the theory
that the corrupt French drama has
been propounding for the last--
Ah, you've been smoking!
This will be a million times better than the shit
you're inhaling there, brother.
It's Salford Skunk.
Shop local, I like it.
Thai Stick.
Pure quality.
I'm autistic, so it focuses my mind.
It's good for concentration.
Do you like it here?
It's all right.
Usually a bit better, when we haven't got the Thrush.
Irritating twat.
To be honest, I prefer numbers to words, me, anyway.
For example, from here I can see 80 trees, 72 yellow lines,
412 railings, 17 traffic lights, 12
satellite dishes, 3 cameras, 64 windows,
24 cars, and 2 dead pigeons.
You know all that just by looking at 'em?
The other thing I like is--
Never mind that.
Do you fancy coming to the Casino one night?
The other thing I like is women.
I want to shag a woman.
I bet you've shagged loads of women.
What's it like?
Messy.
Anyway, fuck that.
Look, do you want to come to the casino one night with me?
Pull in some serious money?
Get me a woman to shag, and I'll come to the casino.
The community service dickheads proudly
present Litter Pick on the M60.
We're a cutting edge group of performers,
right, with important things to say.
SHANE: So have I. "Get a fucking job!"
[chuckling]
Yeah, I'll show you.
SHANE: Show me.
You think I'm a joke.
You think I'm worth fuck all.
It's not just me, Micky.
It's pretty much across the board, mate.
Kel, fancy making a million quid for mum?
Boom!
What the fuck are you playing at?
Duh!
You'll be wearing that internally in a minute.
I've got a list of jobs as long as me arse,
and you piss off out of it!
I'm manning up, like you wanted.
Leave you at home, doing the jobs,
and me come here, like a man.
You tell her, kid!
That's not how it works.
Not in my house!
Your list of jobs.
It's about time you proved yourself to be a man.
My man!
All right?
Winner stays on.
Now!
As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew,
I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl
like that--
Do you like this?
Excuse me.
Chatting away while people are working is hugely disrespect.
You got something to say?
Why are they doing this?
Well, did they choose it?
No disrespect or owt, but I don't understand it.
By the looks of it, neither do any of this lot.
I'm sick and tired of men telling me what's what.
Time and time again, they think they know best!
And they know f--
jack all!
You, Michael Maguire, got yourself a one way ticket right
out of here, direct to prison.
Do not pass go, and do not collect 200 pounds!
Wait.
I'm calling the courts now.
You're in breach of your order.
All right, look, I'm sorry.
Contributed nothing except negativity,
whipping them up into a frenzy!
There won't be a revelation here!
Please!
Not on my watch!
Miss?
Miss, wait!
[screaming]
She pushed me!
She fell.
Pushed.
Please, let me out!
Success.
I picked up the child from the post office, went to court,
paid the fines, dropped that bag of wash off, and did the shop.
Who's this?
It's the same pram!
Flat-out asleep.
Cilla or Latifah?
Cilla.
Look, I've proved I can do stuff,
and now I've shown I can sort problems.
I've manned up.
But can you think for yourself?
Can you?
I don't know what you want me to say.
Yeah. Yeah, I can think for myself.
And pigs will fly.
I can.
Prove it.
We've gotta find 500 quid before midnight.
- What? - It's a hypothetical case.
Right.
So where you gonna get it from?
The bank.
You haven't got a bank account.
It's a hypothetical bank.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Micky.
Billy.
You can't get it from the bank, right?
Can't get it from any of our stashes,
sell anything, or hit anybody.
So where are you gonna get 500 quid from tonight?
Think.
My mum used to work in this office.
They had a box of petty cash.
500 quid's worth?
More like a grand.
I don't have to get it, do I?
I like lemonade and Sara Cong.
Come on, please.
She fancies you, but I fancy her, right?
So stay away!
All right.
Hiya.
Right, 10 minute fag break!
I know they're a little bit different
to how I described 'em.
I'm used to different.
I do different every day.
This is it.
- Are you Micky's girlfriend? - No!
No, She just here to help out.
You know, lend a hand.
You can have a brew, then.
Are you all right to use kettle?
I mean, you're allowed?
So where's this Rain Man who's gonna
make us some serious money?
What play will we do instead?
It's one I'm writing meself.
It's the story of a poor, misunderstood genius, rejected
by everyone around him.
Now, he wants to fit in.
He strives for it, but no one gets him.
You lot know what it's like, don't you?
Feeling like you don't fit in.
We do fit in.
Yeah, but what about, you know, when
people call you names and that.
Names?
Yeah, window-lickers, biffs, retards.
People don't call me names like that.
What do they call you, then?
Terry.
[laughter]
What play would you like to do?
"Mama Mia."
"Marley and Me."
"Avatar."
They're all films, not plays.
"Stewart Little"?
I saw a play once.
It were in German.
I think it was about a lesbian trying to hang
a curtain over a broken window.
Lasted three hours.
It were fucking brilliant.
We're not doing that.
What do you think we should do?
What was the last play you saw?
Nativity?
[laughter]
What did you have to say that for?
Christmas is ages away.
Well, that was the last play I saw.
It was the last play I was in at school.
I was the innkeeper.
Were you any good?
"There's no room at the inn."
Go on.
I was brilliant Just gonna go for a slash.
[laughter]
Whoa, what?
What do you want?
What are you doing?
It's not what I want.
It's what I can give you.
The best suck-off you've ever had.
Whoa, whoa.
All right, stud?
Wait, listen. Whoa, whoa.
You don't want me.
Yeah, I do.
No, just get off, will you?
I don't care if it's little.
Hey, it's like a baby's arm holding an apple, right?
Well, unhard.
Stop!
You wanna do it here, right now?
Casino first.
Then we'll do whatever you want, sugar lips.
Don't you fancy me?
No!
I do.
You'd let me suck you off if you liked me, if you
really thought I was pretty.
You are pretty.
It's just that I'm not the right man for you, Lise.
I'm no good.
I'm-- I'm useless.
MIMI (VOICEOVER): Waste of space,
lazy, pathetic, pointless, never amount to anything!
What are you for, Micky?
What the fuck are you for?
Look, you need someone that-- who won't let you down,
someone who's dependable, a real man, like--
like Terry!
Terry?
Oh, big time.
You know, I've seen the way he looks at you and that.
He'll look after you as well.
You know, he's-- he's a real man.
A protector.
He'll pick you up in his arms, and everyone
would watch as he carried you in his big, strong arms,
with your heard limp against his chest, his rock hard, ripped,
and cut chest, pecs looks like stone,
and nipples like wheel nuts.
The heat of him, his breath on your face,
his heart beating through his solid chest
as he holds you tight, being held close and tight.
So you're gay.
Look, don't-- don't say owt, will you?
Keep it between the two of us?
Your secret's safe with me.
We won't say a word either.
As long as you don't tell anyone
I've got Down's Syndrome.
Deal.
[laughter]
Been years since I did a burglary.
We all used to do it together, me, Paddy, the kids.
Proper family stuff.
Happy days.
It was always a bit of a turn-on for me.
Getting a bit of a wide-on now.
Job first, though.
Yeah.
Come on.
We all have skills, right?
I'm great on post codes.
Name a place.
Go on, test me.
Test me!
Chester Zoo?
CH2.
Blackpool Pleasure Beach?
FY4
Brilliant.
Buckingham Palace?
Yeah, all right, all right. Fucking hell.
Well, I know every word to "Gladiator,"
but it's not gonna make us a million, is it?
- SW11AA. - Shh!
Sorry!
Number boy's skills, however, are a different kettle of fish.
"Kettle of fish?"
Limo, casino, let's go to work!
SONG: Looking back on a track for a little green bag.
Got to find just the kind or losing my mind.
I decide in the night out of sight of the day,
looking back on the track, gonna do it my way.
Out of sight in the night, out of sight of the day,
looking back on the track, gonna do it my way.
Looking back.
Looking for some happiness but there is only
loneliness to find.
Jump to the left, turn to the right.
Looking upstairs, looking behind, yeah.
Hit me.
Yay!
He's fucking useless!
Lost every fucking penny!
He told me he was great with numbers!
0101 157 2020, pizza delivery!
I'm on about cards, Raymond!
Fucking cards!
You can't even count to 21, you prick!
Hit me!
Don't tempt me!
Ad What was all that "400 windows, 70 doors" bollocks?
Every day, I have a smoke out the back and I--
Count it all.
Stops me getting bored.
Can we have sex now?
Unbelievable.
I believe there was a rehearsal
here last night, a rehearsal without an appropriate leader.
IE, you.
We went to the casino.
Well, there won't be any more rehearsals.
Not now, not ever.
The building is closed until further notice.
You can't do that.
Can and have.
And what's it got to do with the talking sex doll?
You can't shut the building.
I can, and I have.
Health and safety!
If Lise continues to insist that she
didn't push me down the stairs, then I must have slipped.
And the building closes until the health and safety
executives have investigated.
Thank you.
Mum?
Oh, and don't forget.
No play, no community service.
Bye-bye, outside.
Hello, Strangeways.
[chuckling]
You've no sense of a dramatic exit, have you?
Brake's stuck. Sorry.
Here.
I'd walk away from 'em, if I could.
Drop the play and everything, if it meant I
weren't walking towards prison.
Thanks a lot.
No offense.
It's just, well, we've got a few rivals inside at the moment,
you know.
Wouldn't be much of another day for me.
I could tell them I pushed her.
No.
She'd let us back in the building.
She wouldn't.
She's an evil bitch.
That must be destroyed!
-
- Steady on. - Sorry.
We could find somewhere else to put the play on.
Keep Mickey out of Sing Sing.
Where?
You two are all over each other like a tick
on a tramp's vest.
What's the secret?
We've discovered the secret to happiness.
White wine and "Night Nurse"?
Doing something together we both enjoy.
BILLY: Do you fancy doing it again?
Tonight?
Oh, mwah!
You know I'm only used the play as just a ruse, right?
Oh yeah?
Well, We I'm training 'em up, aren't I?
Well, think about it.
They'll be the best drug dealers in the world.
They're methodical, practical.
They won't use the produce.
And the best thing is, the filth won't suspect 'em.
Well, look at 'em.
What the fuck's this?
Attack of the-- gah!
Bollocks!
You smelly old tramp.
It's time we start standing up for ourselves.
Fucking set of--
argh!
Before you say owt, I know they're gonna kill me one day.
It's not you I'm worried about.
It's your baby.
Your baby doesn't have a choice.
I'm not pregnant, sweet heart.
Trapped wind and a little bit of heart burn.
Always going to the toilet.
You're having a baby.
Great news.
Jamie has said that we can rehearse and put
the show on in here, provided you lot run
a few errands for him.
10 pound each, yeah?
And I'll invite a few heads from the council,
see if we can get a bit of funding.
Then we can open our very own center
right here in the Chatsworth!
Or somewhere else.
Yay!
Now, come on, you little band of biffers.
Wanker!
WOMAN: Cock off!
Do you think this is gonna work?
It has to.
No, not just for me freedom, but also, well, to show
those snide fuckers around here, always taking the piss.
Are you sure about this?
Yes.
But in the Bible Joseph didn't saw anyone in half.
It's artistic license.
Now, it doesn't say that he didn't saw anyone in half.
And he was a joiner, so, well, he'd have had saws and shit,
and maybe a bit of curiosity.
Trust me.
It's a boy.
I'm not pregnant.
The ring never lies.
It's a boy.
My husband is infertile.
Oh.
Funny.
But if you've only been having sex with your husband--
Guess this isn't just about the paint on my carpet?
Want a a bit of help, sweetheart?
Cost you.
What happened to the milk of human kindness?
Oh, turned to cheese.
20 quid an hour, you'll get all the help you need.
One part white spirit and two parts water will
shift that in next to no time.
[phone ringing]
OK, I'm not a big believer in miracles,
especially not around here.
So we can rule out another immaculate conception.
And Shane's infertile.
It's Marty.
You never go bareback.
It wasn't business.
It was more than that. - Are you sure--
What happens when it all turns to shit?
What am I gonna do?
We can sort this yet.
We can--
I'm not getting rid of it!
It's all we've-- me and Shane, it's-- it's all
we've ever wanted.
[phone ringing]
I can't tell him.
Well, you're gonna have to tell him something.
I can't.
He's gonna find out sooner or later.
Watch yourself, Rain Man.
What do you think?
Perfect.
What?
Why don't you just talk to Terry?
Well, I know he likes you.
It's not that easy.
Well, it was all right for you to barge in the bogs
and offer me a gobjob.
That was just sex.
It's different with Terry.
I don't know what I feel.
Sometimes, it's hard to tell someone what's really going on.
Hey, I've been ringing you.
Oh, right.
Sorry, me phone's been on silent for rehearsals.
- Have you finished? - No, we've only just started.
Listen, I've got a job on.
You gonna be all right?
I can't take her with me.
It's too dangerous.
[sobbing]
Hey, she can be the baby Jesus.
[music playing]
My only concern now is getting a crowd in to see it.
You know, an audience, you know.
I mean, who's gonna want to come and see
this lot do the nativity, and it's not even Christmas?
Why can't it be Christmas?
Tills are always bursting.
I love Christmas.
Ow!
I'm sorry.
Are you all right?
I've twisted me knee!
It needs support.
I need a bandage.
Ow!
Sorry.
Will you be OK?
It hasn't got an alarm, but instead it's
got a private security company with a direct link
to the full filth. Perfect!
They'll send me down for this.
I know it.
Oh, grow up!
I can't go to prison. I'm too young!
We'll get our brief on to it, be away on some technicality.
Don't worry.
What if we don't?
I'll pack you some lube, pretty boy like you.
Oi.
Dozy bastard.
Should have come back to the car.
They would have seen us.
Ring Shane or someone.
Ask 'em to pick us up.
Where's your phone?
In the car.
Where's your phone? - In the car.
Fuck!
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
Paddy'd know what to do.
He would.
One clever fuck, that one.
Great under pressure, always thinking on his feet, you know.
Well, that's the answer to our problems, isn't it?
Do a fucking seance and ask Paddy what we should do?
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
Right, we can't get a cab.
We can't hitch a lift, not with these.
So--
- We'll walk. - We can't.
It's too risky.
Filth are looking for us.
We need somewhere to lay low till morning.
We shouldn't be doing this.
It's a church.
Hardly.
One of God's houses.
Hasn't paid his council tax by the looks of it.
That's blasphemous!
What?
It's all right to break into offices and nick stuff,
but it's not all right to walk into an unlocked church?
I've got morals!
Doesn't look like it's in use now, anyway.
Come on.
What are doing?
Looking.
For what?
A saw, or summat to get these off.
Oh yeah, you always get a saw in a church.
Drink this.
It's the blood of Christ. This is his body.
This is his saw.
Well, what's your big plan, then,
seeing as you think you're the brains of the outfit?
I am the brains of the outfit!
Well, what am I, then?
A piece of meat?
A fuck machine?
Have a bit of respect, swearing in a place of worship!
I don't give a shit!
Hang on.
Ah, thank you, God.
[helicopter flies overhead]
Oh, a copper chopper.
Pigs will fly.
Come on, hurry up.
I'm going as fast as I can.
We'll be here forever at this rate.
It'd go quicker if I sawed for your wrist.
going to Hell, you!
What, and you're not?
I pray!
I repent!
I go to confession!
I don't get why you believe in all that shit.
After everything I've been through?
I have to believe my dead children are in a better place.
Because if I thought this was it,
that life was just this with nothing at the end,
then I'd just give up!
Maybe you need to start looking at this a bit
differently.
That was then.
This is now.
You, me, and Cilla.
Kind of liked having you by me side.
Maybe we should make it more permanent.
You having a laugh?
No.
Will you marry me?
Everyone all right?
How you doing?
Nervous?
I've still not had a shag.
Oh, who the fuck are you supposed to be?
Innkeeper.
But I-- I've still not shagged woman yet.
But what's with all the paint?
I get it.
It's fucking "Avatar," isn't it?
Avatar innkeeper!
But there's-- never mind.
Now, Terry, I just wanted to have a quick word with you
about the last scene.
Now, I know we've not rehearsed it,
but Joseph should kiss Mary at the end.
It's Lise's idea.
But in the Bible, Mary and Joseph don't kiss.
Well, it don't say they didn't, either.
I mean, they probably did a lot more besides kissing.
I mean, you're up the duff.
It's not your husband's.
You're gonna have to do a bit more than kissing to make
him sweet, aren't you, eh?
You know what I mean?
Think about it.
Mary's giving Joseph a blowjob.
Well, no. Not in our play.
I mean, maybe after.
Who knows?
But just a kiss for now.
Never mind.
Lise, I've just had a chat with Terry,
and he's come up with this great idea
that Mary and Joseph kiss at the end.
It were all his idea.
Like a dream.
Call an ambulance.
He's passed out.
Must have been the paint.
Don't worry, Micky.
Leave him to us.
Fucking hell, Ches.
Come on.
You'll need a new innkeeper now, Micky.
Well, he's not gonna be up to doing the show.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Michael Maguire?
- It depends. - We spoke earlier.
I'm from the council.
Brilliant, isn't it?
Oh yeah, great.
We're chuffed you could come.
You'll get to see what this group have done,
and maybe bum 'em a bit of cash, get them
their own center and that.
I'm the Health and Safety Executive.
There will be no public performance on these premises.
The set has to be fireproofed.
There are no fire exit signs displayed.
Risk of overcrowding.
This lot have got a performance
in less than an hour.
Well, you have to cancel.
Notification of intention to prosecute if you fail to abide.
Council.
Well, that's that, then.
No stage, no innkeeper, no show.
I've not worked my bollocks off for nothing!
We are doing it.
[cheering]
[chattering]
Bugger off!
Can't you see it's the second coming?
All of the hotels and the pubs are all full.
Man United must be playing.
This is the last inn for miles.
[knocking on door]
[laughter]
Hello.
My wife is with child.
We need a bed for the night.
Do you have room at your inn?
LISE: Go no.
Do you have room at your inn?
Go on.
We-- we haven't got any room. I'm sorry.
Gutted.
I'll tell you what, though.
We've got a sort of stable around there.
You can have that, if you want.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you for your kindness.
Nice one.
[cheering]
[knocking on door]
I've Already told you, we haven't got any room.
The bizzies are after us.
Get in!
[laughter]
[cheering]
Will you marry me?
[screaming]
It's like squeezing a bowling ball through the eye
of a fucking needle!
Hardly.
I-- I'm not going to the hospital until I've got a shag.
Don't look at me.
Or me.
(SINGING): Somewhere a place for us,
peace and quiet and open air wait for us somewhere.
There's a time for us.
MICKY (VOICEOVER): There is magic everywhere,
but only if you believe.
That's what people say, isn't it?
You know the type of people.
They go on about star signs, angels, and shit.
They have DVD box sets of "Friends"
and they cry at greeting cards.
And they're usually single.
You won't find magic with a bunch of weekend hippies
at Glastonbury squatting on ley lines.
Oh yeah, they've all got henna tattoos and a set of crystals.
(SINGING): Somewhere!
MICKY (VOICEOVER): You want real magic,
you go to Creamfields with a spliff,
a bag of pills in one hand, a bag of mushrooms in the other.
(SINGING): We'll find a way of forgetting somewhere.
That's it.
Yeah, that was all right, that, for a dickhead.
MICKY (VOICEOVER): The real secret is, you
have to work hard for magic.
It's not handed to you on a plate.
Micky Maguire, eh?
MICKY (VOICEOVER): The universe don't
give a flying fuck about your pissy little existence.
Mum!
Micky!
MICKY (VOICEOVER): Close the book,
stop chanting, ringing bells, and open your eyes.
You want magic?
Make it fucking happen, then!
(SINGING): Somewhere, somewhere!
[theme music]
And let me put the egg in like so.
And then we say the magic words.
Fish and chippingtons!
With a bit of luck--
It's not worked, but you know.
You have a go.
[magical sound]
[clucking]
[crowing]
[laughter]