1 00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:08,400 Anyone watching, thinking they know fuck 2 00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:10,800 all about knowing fuck all about owt, 3 00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:12,733 needs to watch their backs! 4 00:00:12,833 --> 00:00:15,733 So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk, 5 00:00:15,833 --> 00:00:17,700 sending prices sky high. 6 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:21,633 Literally, literally, taking the grass from its own roots. 7 00:00:21,733 --> 00:00:25,467 Now you've got your Con-Dem-Nation, liberals 8 00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:28,633 noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up. 9 00:00:28,733 --> 00:00:31,567 Have we have national fucking stroke or what? 10 00:00:31,667 --> 00:00:35,667 Is "revolution" a word, or was it never? 11 00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:39,633 Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average 12 00:00:39,733 --> 00:00:41,267 with irony in Chatsworth. 13 00:00:41,367 --> 00:00:44,933 Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester. 14 00:00:45,033 --> 00:00:47,933 And they charge us for water! 15 00:00:48,033 --> 00:00:52,567 I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found. 16 00:00:52,667 --> 00:00:55,500 This green and pleasant land in ancient times. 17 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:59,000 Fucking yak yak, yak yak, yak yak, yak yak, yak yak! 18 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:02,167 It's not theirs anymore! 19 00:01:02,267 --> 00:01:05,500 This is our England now! 20 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:06,400 Party! 21 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,200 MICKY (VOICEOVER): s always felt I was different. 22 00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:18,000 I never believed that I fitted in. 23 00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:21,333 Life is ordinary, but I was special. 24 00:01:21,433 --> 00:01:23,667 I used to think, "I'm not a part of this. 25 00:01:23,767 --> 00:01:24,900 I can't be. 26 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:25,800 I must be adopted." 27 00:01:29,833 --> 00:01:32,033 My real mum and dad were film stars. 28 00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:33,800 Yeah, and they couldn't look after me because 29 00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:35,167 of their careers and that. 30 00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:40,267 But one day, one day, they'll come back for me. 31 00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:43,300 My real parents will tip up in a big fuck-off limo, 32 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,133 and whisk me off to a better life. 33 00:01:45,233 --> 00:01:48,100 Excuse me, mister. I really want to do magic. 34 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,067 Can you teach me? 35 00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:51,833 MICKY (VOICEOVER): I never learned. 36 00:01:51,933 --> 00:01:53,267 Fuck off, kid. 37 00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:54,633 MICKY (VOICEOVER): That there's no such thing as magic, 38 00:01:54,733 --> 00:01:58,100 or the tooth fairy, or Father Christmas. 39 00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,433 It's like flying pigs. 40 00:01:59,533 --> 00:02:00,500 They don't exist. 41 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,067 We just have to make do with what we've got. 42 00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:04,700 Oh, come on, it's good for you. 43 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,433 Eh? 44 00:02:06,533 --> 00:02:09,867 If you don't eat it, right, then Mr. Cuddles's banana brains 45 00:02:09,967 --> 00:02:11,867 will get splattered all over the wall. 46 00:02:11,967 --> 00:02:13,567 Poof! 47 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:14,433 Well, I know how you feel. 48 00:02:14,533 --> 00:02:15,800 Can't do a thing with this today. 49 00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:17,433 It's as flat as a gymnast's chest. 50 00:02:17,533 --> 00:02:20,933 Helicopter. 51 00:02:21,033 --> 00:02:22,833 Look, if you don't eat it, right, 52 00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:25,700 then the helicopter will crash. 53 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,667 Let 'em die. 54 00:02:27,767 --> 00:02:29,933 [crying] 55 00:02:30,033 --> 00:02:31,000 Is there a brew going, or what? 56 00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:34,133 Yeah, in the kettle. 57 00:02:34,233 --> 00:02:37,033 That's mine! 58 00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:38,867 - Got your name on it? - Yeah, it has! 59 00:02:38,967 --> 00:02:39,800 Is that porridge? 60 00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:41,633 No, it's a kebab. 61 00:02:41,733 --> 00:02:46,600 She prefers Chocky-choc Pops with a bit of sugar on. 62 00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,467 Is that what you feed her? 63 00:02:48,567 --> 00:02:50,467 Well, it's no wonder she won't touch it. 64 00:02:50,567 --> 00:02:53,300 She's holding out for a sugar fix! 65 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,067 That stuff'll rot her teeth. - Only her baby ones. 66 00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:56,367 She'll get on new set when she's older. 67 00:02:56,467 --> 00:02:58,000 Yeah, if she gets older, the amount of shit 68 00:02:58,100 --> 00:02:59,600 you're pumping into her! 69 00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:00,867 You're not fit to be a parent. 70 00:03:00,967 --> 00:03:02,167 What, and you are? 71 00:03:02,267 --> 00:03:04,300 Well, I'm more qualified than you are. 72 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,700 - Who's the daddy? - Who's the daddy? 73 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:06,667 I'm the fucking daddy. 74 00:03:06,767 --> 00:03:07,600 Where's your fucking tool? 75 00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,000 You're a fucking tool! 76 00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:10,567 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 77 00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:11,533 Pack it in! 78 00:03:14,567 --> 00:03:16,933 It's not about you, or about how good you are! 79 00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:20,000 It's about her! 80 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,467 Smaller spoon. 81 00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:24,167 It's like when you're feeding a poorly snake. 82 00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:28,100 You know, you chop up the mice with the scissors. 83 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,900 Right, you set of lazy bastards. 84 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,333 Morning. 85 00:03:32,433 --> 00:03:34,533 I've got a pile of bills here falling out me arse. 86 00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:36,833 And what are you lot doing about it? 87 00:03:36,933 --> 00:03:38,133 Fuck all. 88 00:03:38,233 --> 00:03:41,867 I need every single one of you worthless shites 89 00:03:41,967 --> 00:03:46,067 to start pulling in some serious money today! 90 00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:47,767 I'm out there grafting already. 91 00:03:47,867 --> 00:03:50,233 I thought we would go to down, get me a new trackie. 92 00:03:50,333 --> 00:03:52,833 I've got a golden shower booked in at 10:00. 93 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:54,367 I've got me community service. 94 00:03:54,467 --> 00:03:56,700 Prancing about anti-tech in tights ain't community service. 95 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,000 You what? 96 00:03:58,100 --> 00:04:00,167 I picked up needles and shit when I did service. 97 00:04:00,267 --> 00:04:02,067 Him, doing drama, plays and that! 98 00:04:02,167 --> 00:04:04,867 Maybe the magistrate saw something in me. 99 00:04:04,967 --> 00:04:08,433 What, like big fucking gayness? 100 00:04:08,533 --> 00:04:09,367 You're not me dad! 101 00:04:15,267 --> 00:04:17,433 So I reckon the magistrate was a little knocked out by me. 102 00:04:17,533 --> 00:04:19,667 You know, saw that I had a bit of something about me. 103 00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:21,200 Bastard! You bastard. 104 00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:22,400 You fucking bastard. 105 00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:23,733 Because I've done loads of acting, me. 106 00:04:23,833 --> 00:04:24,933 See how you like that. 107 00:04:25,033 --> 00:04:26,467 Yeah, I was the innkeeper. 108 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:29,833 Well, I played an opportunistic businessman 109 00:04:29,933 --> 00:04:30,967 in a historical drama. 110 00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:32,100 Uh-huh. 111 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,600 And we made a film, "Taxi Driver." 112 00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:35,500 It was fucking mint! 113 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,867 I mean it was mint, Soz. 114 00:04:37,967 --> 00:04:41,400 Yeah, I just really want to make a success out of this. 115 00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:44,000 I think I'm turning a corner, you know? 116 00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:46,867 Yeah, if I could just get this community service 117 00:04:46,967 --> 00:04:47,967 sentence out of the way. 118 00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:49,333 Bastard! 119 00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:50,533 Good news? 120 00:04:50,633 --> 00:04:51,667 It's my ex. 121 00:04:51,767 --> 00:04:54,133 Ran off with my best friend. 122 00:04:54,233 --> 00:04:56,233 You really missing her? 123 00:04:56,333 --> 00:04:58,267 I can get his knees done, if you want. 124 00:04:58,367 --> 00:05:01,500 You know, get him put in a wheelchair and that. 125 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,933 Joke! 126 00:05:04,033 --> 00:05:07,300 No, I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. 127 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,967 Me stepdad nicks me clothes, right? 128 00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:11,333 He's using one of my t-shirts to sleep in. 129 00:05:15,133 --> 00:05:16,000 And he hits me. 130 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,467 I mean, like proper hits me. 131 00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:20,400 He's cracked a few of me ribs and that. 132 00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:21,300 In here. 133 00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:37,700 I think there's been a mistake. 134 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,100 You shouldn't have called the magistrate "a fucking mong." 135 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,200 He was a fucking mong. 136 00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:42,900 He'd had a stroke. 137 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,000 And? 138 00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:53,633 Dropped down dead from a brain tumor. 139 00:05:53,733 --> 00:05:54,533 Age? 140 00:05:54,633 --> 00:05:55,667 57! 141 00:05:55,767 --> 00:05:56,633 57. 142 00:05:56,733 --> 00:05:57,900 Here's another good one. 143 00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,333 "Father of two, 47, knocked down by a bus. 144 00:06:01,433 --> 00:06:02,667 47." 145 00:06:02,767 --> 00:06:05,100 Morbid old crones. 146 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,967 They make Goth Dave look like a children's 147 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,833 television presenter. 148 00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:11,267 Two halves cider, one with black. 149 00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:13,400 That's the one with black. 150 00:06:16,433 --> 00:06:18,000 Can I have some cash for the pool table? 151 00:06:22,933 --> 00:06:23,733 Cheers. 152 00:06:23,833 --> 00:06:24,733 He acts like a child. 153 00:06:24,833 --> 00:06:26,300 But then again, he is, isn't he? 154 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,067 Shouldn't you get him a lemonade too? 155 00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:30,667 Or does the sugar make him a bit hyper? 156 00:06:30,767 --> 00:06:32,100 Oh, careful what you say now. 157 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,767 There are children about. 158 00:06:33,867 --> 00:06:37,800 And we don't want them picking up any bad language, now do we? 159 00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:40,233 [chuckling] 160 00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,967 Mummy! 161 00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:44,500 Can I have a bag of crisps, please? 162 00:06:51,233 --> 00:06:52,700 You need to man up. 163 00:06:55,400 --> 00:07:01,767 That, my dear young friend, is the theory 164 00:07:01,867 --> 00:07:07,100 that the corrupt French drama has 165 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:11,233 been propounding for the last-- 166 00:07:11,333 --> 00:07:13,167 Ah, you've been smoking! 167 00:07:19,433 --> 00:07:21,067 This will be a million times better than the shit 168 00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:22,733 you're inhaling there, brother. 169 00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,533 It's Salford Skunk. 170 00:07:24,633 --> 00:07:26,733 Shop local, I like it. 171 00:07:26,833 --> 00:07:28,467 Thai Stick. 172 00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:30,200 Pure quality. 173 00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,967 I'm autistic, so it focuses my mind. 174 00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:36,233 It's good for concentration. 175 00:07:39,133 --> 00:07:40,933 Do you like it here? 176 00:07:41,033 --> 00:07:42,367 It's all right. 177 00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:45,367 Usually a bit better, when we haven't got the Thrush. 178 00:07:45,467 --> 00:07:47,400 Irritating twat. 179 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:50,933 To be honest, I prefer numbers to words, me, anyway. 180 00:07:51,033 --> 00:07:58,867 For example, from here I can see 80 trees, 72 yellow lines, 181 00:07:58,967 --> 00:08:02,600 412 railings, 17 traffic lights, 12 182 00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:05,100 satellite dishes, 3 cameras, 64 windows, 183 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:09,533 24 cars, and 2 dead pigeons. 184 00:08:09,633 --> 00:08:11,267 You know all that just by looking at 'em? 185 00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:12,733 The other thing I like is-- 186 00:08:12,833 --> 00:08:14,567 Never mind that. 187 00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:16,267 Do you fancy coming to the Casino one night? 188 00:08:16,367 --> 00:08:18,967 The other thing I like is women. 189 00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:20,933 I want to shag a woman. 190 00:08:21,033 --> 00:08:23,000 I bet you've shagged loads of women. 191 00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:24,100 What's it like? 192 00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:28,600 Messy. 193 00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:30,133 Anyway, fuck that. 194 00:08:30,233 --> 00:08:32,867 Look, do you want to come to the casino one night with me? 195 00:08:32,967 --> 00:08:36,033 Pull in some serious money? 196 00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:38,433 Get me a woman to shag, and I'll come to the casino. 197 00:08:42,567 --> 00:08:45,767 The community service dickheads proudly 198 00:08:45,867 --> 00:08:49,100 present Litter Pick on the M60. 199 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,500 We're a cutting edge group of performers, 200 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,967 right, with important things to say. 201 00:08:53,067 --> 00:08:55,800 SHANE: So have I. "Get a fucking job!" 202 00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:57,567 [chuckling] 203 00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:59,333 Yeah, I'll show you. 204 00:08:59,433 --> 00:09:00,267 SHANE: Show me. 205 00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:01,267 You think I'm a joke. 206 00:09:01,367 --> 00:09:02,900 You think I'm worth fuck all. 207 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,100 It's not just me, Micky. 208 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,067 It's pretty much across the board, mate. 209 00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:13,133 Kel, fancy making a million quid for mum? 210 00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:18,433 Boom! 211 00:09:18,533 --> 00:09:19,733 What the fuck are you playing at? 212 00:09:19,833 --> 00:09:21,067 Duh! 213 00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:23,667 You'll be wearing that internally in a minute. 214 00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:25,233 I've got a list of jobs as long as me arse, 215 00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:27,167 and you piss off out of it! 216 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:28,767 I'm manning up, like you wanted. 217 00:09:28,867 --> 00:09:29,867 Leave you at home, doing the jobs, 218 00:09:29,967 --> 00:09:32,100 and me come here, like a man. 219 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,767 You tell her, kid! 220 00:09:33,867 --> 00:09:35,000 That's not how it works. 221 00:09:35,100 --> 00:09:37,200 Not in my house! 222 00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:38,967 Your list of jobs. 223 00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:41,867 It's about time you proved yourself to be a man. 224 00:09:41,967 --> 00:09:42,833 My man! 225 00:09:42,933 --> 00:09:43,733 All right? 226 00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:44,667 Winner stays on. 227 00:09:44,767 --> 00:09:45,600 Now! 228 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,333 As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, 229 00:09:56,433 --> 00:10:01,667 I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl 230 00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:02,867 like that-- 231 00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:03,900 Do you like this? 232 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,467 Excuse me. 233 00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:10,533 Chatting away while people are working is hugely disrespect. 234 00:10:10,633 --> 00:10:12,100 You got something to say? 235 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,100 Why are they doing this? 236 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,133 Well, did they choose it? 237 00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:19,400 No disrespect or owt, but I don't understand it. 238 00:10:19,500 --> 00:10:21,133 By the looks of it, neither do any of this lot. 239 00:10:21,233 --> 00:10:24,667 I'm sick and tired of men telling me what's what. 240 00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:27,733 Time and time again, they think they know best! 241 00:10:27,833 --> 00:10:30,600 And they know f-- 242 00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:32,100 jack all! 243 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,400 You, Michael Maguire, got yourself a one way ticket right 244 00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:38,067 out of here, direct to prison. 245 00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:41,700 Do not pass go, and do not collect 200 pounds! 246 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:42,867 Wait. 247 00:10:42,967 --> 00:10:43,833 I'm calling the courts now. 248 00:10:43,933 --> 00:10:45,000 You're in breach of your order. 249 00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,200 All right, look, I'm sorry. 250 00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:49,333 Contributed nothing except negativity, 251 00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:52,367 whipping them up into a frenzy! 252 00:10:52,467 --> 00:10:54,867 There won't be a revelation here! 253 00:10:54,967 --> 00:10:55,900 Please! 254 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,400 Not on my watch! 255 00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:58,333 Miss? 256 00:10:58,433 --> 00:10:59,233 Miss, wait! 257 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:09,100 [screaming] 258 00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:13,933 She pushed me! 259 00:11:14,033 --> 00:11:14,900 She fell. 260 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,000 Pushed. 261 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:20,267 Please, let me out! 262 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:30,767 Success. 263 00:11:30,867 --> 00:11:33,333 I picked up the child from the post office, went to court, 264 00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:37,800 paid the fines, dropped that bag of wash off, and did the shop. 265 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:38,700 Who's this? 266 00:11:43,933 --> 00:11:44,733 It's the same pram! 267 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:56,733 Flat-out asleep. 268 00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:58,467 Cilla or Latifah? 269 00:11:58,567 --> 00:11:59,900 Cilla. 270 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:01,467 Look, I've proved I can do stuff, 271 00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:02,900 and now I've shown I can sort problems. 272 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,000 I've manned up. 273 00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:04,900 But can you think for yourself? 274 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,100 Can you? 275 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,267 I don't know what you want me to say. 276 00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:08,967 Yeah. Yeah, I can think for myself. 277 00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:09,933 And pigs will fly. 278 00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:12,033 I can. 279 00:12:12,133 --> 00:12:13,533 Prove it. 280 00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:16,133 We've gotta find 500 quid before midnight. 281 00:12:16,233 --> 00:12:19,433 - What? - It's a hypothetical case. 282 00:12:19,533 --> 00:12:20,833 Right. 283 00:12:20,933 --> 00:12:22,733 So where you gonna get it from? 284 00:12:22,833 --> 00:12:23,767 The bank. 285 00:12:23,867 --> 00:12:25,333 You haven't got a bank account. 286 00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:26,333 It's a hypothetical bank. 287 00:12:26,433 --> 00:12:29,267 Oh, for fuck's sake, Micky. 288 00:12:29,367 --> 00:12:30,267 Billy. 289 00:12:30,367 --> 00:12:31,867 You can't get it from the bank, right? 290 00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:34,100 Can't get it from any of our stashes, 291 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,067 sell anything, or hit anybody. 292 00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:41,300 So where are you gonna get 500 quid from tonight? 293 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:42,200 Think. 294 00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:52,167 My mum used to work in this office. 295 00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:53,933 They had a box of petty cash. 296 00:12:54,033 --> 00:12:55,767 500 quid's worth? 297 00:12:55,867 --> 00:12:56,700 More like a grand. 298 00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:10,667 I don't have to get it, do I? 299 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:22,100 I like lemonade and Sara Cong. 300 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,200 Come on, please. 301 00:13:25,933 --> 00:13:30,500 She fancies you, but I fancy her, right? 302 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,733 So stay away! 303 00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:33,633 All right. 304 00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:37,567 Hiya. 305 00:13:41,967 --> 00:13:45,133 Right, 10 minute fag break! 306 00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:52,267 I know they're a little bit different 307 00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:53,700 to how I described 'em. 308 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:54,700 I'm used to different. 309 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,667 I do different every day. 310 00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:58,900 This is it. 311 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,033 - Are you Micky's girlfriend? - No! 312 00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:02,633 No, She just here to help out. 313 00:14:02,733 --> 00:14:04,133 You know, lend a hand. 314 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,133 You can have a brew, then. 315 00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:12,733 Are you all right to use kettle? 316 00:14:12,833 --> 00:14:13,667 I mean, you're allowed? 317 00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:18,067 So where's this Rain Man who's gonna 318 00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:19,433 make us some serious money? 319 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:30,633 What play will we do instead? 320 00:14:30,733 --> 00:14:32,133 It's one I'm writing meself. 321 00:14:32,233 --> 00:14:36,633 It's the story of a poor, misunderstood genius, rejected 322 00:14:36,733 --> 00:14:38,800 by everyone around him. 323 00:14:38,900 --> 00:14:40,833 Now, he wants to fit in. 324 00:14:40,933 --> 00:14:45,000 He strives for it, but no one gets him. 325 00:14:47,667 --> 00:14:49,267 You lot know what it's like, don't you? 326 00:14:49,367 --> 00:14:51,500 Feeling like you don't fit in. 327 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:52,500 We do fit in. 328 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,133 Yeah, but what about, you know, when 329 00:14:54,233 --> 00:14:55,933 people call you names and that. 330 00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:57,100 Names? 331 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:01,400 Yeah, window-lickers, biffs, retards. 332 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:05,000 People don't call me names like that. 333 00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:06,233 What do they call you, then? 334 00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:07,000 Terry. 335 00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:09,433 [laughter] 336 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:11,933 What play would you like to do? 337 00:15:12,033 --> 00:15:12,867 "Mama Mia." 338 00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:13,833 "Marley and Me." 339 00:15:13,933 --> 00:15:14,833 "Avatar." 340 00:15:14,933 --> 00:15:16,533 They're all films, not plays. 341 00:15:16,633 --> 00:15:18,800 "Stewart Little"? 342 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:19,967 I saw a play once. 343 00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:21,267 It were in German. 344 00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:23,767 I think it was about a lesbian trying to hang 345 00:15:23,867 --> 00:15:25,633 a curtain over a broken window. 346 00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:26,933 Lasted three hours. 347 00:15:27,033 --> 00:15:28,000 It were fucking brilliant. 348 00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:29,700 We're not doing that. 349 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,100 What do you think we should do? 350 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,667 What was the last play you saw? 351 00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:38,833 Nativity? 352 00:15:38,933 --> 00:15:41,733 [laughter] 353 00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:43,467 What did you have to say that for? 354 00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,100 Christmas is ages away. 355 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,867 Well, that was the last play I saw. 356 00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:49,800 It was the last play I was in at school. 357 00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:52,000 I was the innkeeper. 358 00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,133 Were you any good? 359 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,833 "There's no room at the inn." 360 00:16:01,933 --> 00:16:03,467 Go on. 361 00:16:03,567 --> 00:16:04,400 Go on. 362 00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:14,000 I was brilliant Just gonna go for a slash. 363 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,233 [laughter] 364 00:16:23,133 --> 00:16:24,033 Whoa, what? 365 00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:24,967 What do you want? 366 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:25,867 What are you doing? 367 00:16:25,967 --> 00:16:27,867 It's not what I want. 368 00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:30,367 It's what I can give you. 369 00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:33,700 The best suck-off you've ever had. 370 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:34,600 Whoa, whoa. 371 00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:44,100 All right, stud? 372 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,933 Wait, listen. Whoa, whoa. 373 00:16:48,033 --> 00:16:49,300 You don't want me. 374 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:50,100 Yeah, I do. 375 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,033 No, just get off, will you? 376 00:16:52,133 --> 00:16:54,467 I don't care if it's little. 377 00:16:54,567 --> 00:16:58,533 Hey, it's like a baby's arm holding an apple, right? 378 00:16:58,633 --> 00:17:00,200 Well, unhard. 379 00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:01,067 Stop! 380 00:17:01,167 --> 00:17:04,600 You wanna do it here, right now? 381 00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:05,900 Casino first. 382 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,800 Then we'll do whatever you want, sugar lips. 383 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:16,967 Don't you fancy me? 384 00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:18,067 No! 385 00:17:22,567 --> 00:17:23,667 I do. 386 00:17:23,767 --> 00:17:25,133 You'd let me suck you off if you liked me, if you 387 00:17:25,233 --> 00:17:26,900 really thought I was pretty. 388 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,267 You are pretty. 389 00:17:28,367 --> 00:17:33,633 It's just that I'm not the right man for you, Lise. 390 00:17:33,733 --> 00:17:35,733 I'm no good. 391 00:17:35,833 --> 00:17:38,867 I'm-- I'm useless. 392 00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:40,500 MIMI (VOICEOVER): Waste of space, 393 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:44,567 lazy, pathetic, pointless, never amount to anything! 394 00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:46,567 What are you for, Micky? 395 00:17:46,667 --> 00:17:48,533 What the fuck are you for? 396 00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:55,533 Look, you need someone that-- who won't let you down, 397 00:17:55,633 --> 00:18:00,867 someone who's dependable, a real man, like-- 398 00:18:00,967 --> 00:18:02,267 like Terry! 399 00:18:02,367 --> 00:18:03,033 Terry? 400 00:18:03,133 --> 00:18:04,867 Oh, big time. 401 00:18:04,967 --> 00:18:08,333 You know, I've seen the way he looks at you and that. 402 00:18:08,433 --> 00:18:10,267 He'll look after you as well. 403 00:18:10,367 --> 00:18:13,533 You know, he's-- he's a real man. 404 00:18:13,633 --> 00:18:16,267 A protector. 405 00:18:16,367 --> 00:18:20,667 He'll pick you up in his arms, and everyone 406 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:29,600 would watch as he carried you in his big, strong arms, 407 00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:33,867 with your heard limp against his chest, his rock hard, ripped, 408 00:18:33,967 --> 00:18:36,567 and cut chest, pecs looks like stone, 409 00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:38,433 and nipples like wheel nuts. 410 00:18:38,533 --> 00:18:41,500 The heat of him, his breath on your face, 411 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,367 his heart beating through his solid chest 412 00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:53,867 as he holds you tight, being held close and tight. 413 00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:55,333 So you're gay. 414 00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:01,633 Look, don't-- don't say owt, will you? 415 00:19:01,733 --> 00:19:05,300 Keep it between the two of us? 416 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:06,633 Your secret's safe with me. 417 00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:12,400 We won't say a word either. 418 00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:14,800 As long as you don't tell anyone 419 00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:16,100 I've got Down's Syndrome. 420 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:22,900 Deal. 421 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,433 [laughter] 422 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,567 Been years since I did a burglary. 423 00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:42,100 We all used to do it together, me, Paddy, the kids. 424 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,300 Proper family stuff. 425 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:45,367 Happy days. 426 00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:48,633 It was always a bit of a turn-on for me. 427 00:19:48,733 --> 00:19:51,000 Getting a bit of a wide-on now. 428 00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:52,433 Job first, though. 429 00:19:52,533 --> 00:19:53,367 Yeah. 430 00:19:53,467 --> 00:19:54,300 Come on. 431 00:19:57,467 --> 00:19:59,167 We all have skills, right? 432 00:19:59,267 --> 00:20:00,367 I'm great on post codes. 433 00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:01,100 Name a place. 434 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,000 Go on, test me. 435 00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:04,400 Test me! 436 00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,433 Chester Zoo? 437 00:20:06,533 --> 00:20:08,533 CH2. 438 00:20:08,633 --> 00:20:09,467 Blackpool Pleasure Beach? 439 00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:11,067 FY4 440 00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:12,067 Brilliant. 441 00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:13,333 Buckingham Palace? 442 00:20:13,433 --> 00:20:14,867 Yeah, all right, all right. Fucking hell. 443 00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:16,200 Well, I know every word to "Gladiator," 444 00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:18,467 but it's not gonna make us a million, is it? 445 00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:19,700 - SW11AA. - Shh! 446 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,267 Sorry! 447 00:20:21,367 --> 00:20:25,200 Number boy's skills, however, are a different kettle of fish. 448 00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:27,033 "Kettle of fish?" 449 00:20:27,133 --> 00:20:30,367 Limo, casino, let's go to work! 450 00:20:50,233 --> 00:20:54,100 SONG: Looking back on a track for a little green bag. 451 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:59,033 Got to find just the kind or losing my mind. 452 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:03,300 I decide in the night out of sight of the day, 453 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:08,033 looking back on the track, gonna do it my way. 454 00:21:08,133 --> 00:21:12,400 Out of sight in the night, out of sight of the day, 455 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:16,967 looking back on the track, gonna do it my way. 456 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,133 Looking back. 457 00:21:27,033 --> 00:21:29,767 Looking for some happiness but there is only 458 00:21:29,867 --> 00:21:31,767 loneliness to find. 459 00:21:35,667 --> 00:21:40,133 Jump to the left, turn to the right. 460 00:21:40,233 --> 00:21:45,700 Looking upstairs, looking behind, yeah. 461 00:21:50,833 --> 00:21:51,667 Hit me. 462 00:21:54,833 --> 00:21:55,633 Yay! 463 00:22:04,967 --> 00:22:06,267 He's fucking useless! 464 00:22:06,367 --> 00:22:07,833 Lost every fucking penny! 465 00:22:07,933 --> 00:22:10,100 He told me he was great with numbers! 466 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:14,267 0101 157 2020, pizza delivery! 467 00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:15,667 I'm on about cards, Raymond! 468 00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:16,867 Fucking cards! 469 00:22:16,967 --> 00:22:18,767 You can't even count to 21, you prick! 470 00:22:18,867 --> 00:22:19,767 Hit me! 471 00:22:19,867 --> 00:22:21,233 Don't tempt me! 472 00:22:21,333 --> 00:22:24,433 Ad What was all that "400 windows, 70 doors" bollocks? 473 00:22:24,533 --> 00:22:26,733 Every day, I have a smoke out the back and I-- 474 00:22:26,833 --> 00:22:27,833 Count it all. 475 00:22:27,933 --> 00:22:30,633 Stops me getting bored. 476 00:22:30,733 --> 00:22:31,867 Can we have sex now? 477 00:22:31,967 --> 00:22:34,200 Unbelievable. 478 00:22:34,300 --> 00:22:35,733 I believe there was a rehearsal 479 00:22:35,833 --> 00:22:40,833 here last night, a rehearsal without an appropriate leader. 480 00:22:40,933 --> 00:22:42,467 IE, you. 481 00:22:42,567 --> 00:22:45,033 We went to the casino. 482 00:22:45,133 --> 00:22:48,100 Well, there won't be any more rehearsals. 483 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,333 Not now, not ever. 484 00:22:50,433 --> 00:22:53,700 The building is closed until further notice. 485 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,067 You can't do that. 486 00:22:55,167 --> 00:22:57,333 Can and have. 487 00:22:57,433 --> 00:23:01,400 And what's it got to do with the talking sex doll? 488 00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:03,467 You can't shut the building. 489 00:23:03,567 --> 00:23:06,400 I can, and I have. 490 00:23:06,500 --> 00:23:08,967 Health and safety! 491 00:23:09,067 --> 00:23:12,100 If Lise continues to insist that she 492 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:17,000 didn't push me down the stairs, then I must have slipped. 493 00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:19,333 And the building closes until the health and safety 494 00:23:19,433 --> 00:23:21,967 executives have investigated. 495 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:23,567 Thank you. 496 00:23:23,667 --> 00:23:26,000 Mum? 497 00:23:26,100 --> 00:23:28,867 Oh, and don't forget. 498 00:23:28,967 --> 00:23:32,733 No play, no community service. 499 00:23:32,833 --> 00:23:34,000 Bye-bye, outside. 500 00:23:34,100 --> 00:23:37,300 Hello, Strangeways. 501 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:38,700 [chuckling] 502 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:41,800 You've no sense of a dramatic exit, have you? 503 00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:43,000 Brake's stuck. Sorry. 504 00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:44,100 Here. 505 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:52,400 I'd walk away from 'em, if I could. 506 00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:54,367 Drop the play and everything, if it meant I 507 00:23:54,467 --> 00:23:56,700 weren't walking towards prison. 508 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,067 Thanks a lot. 509 00:23:58,167 --> 00:23:59,600 No offense. 510 00:23:59,700 --> 00:24:02,367 It's just, well, we've got a few rivals inside at the moment, 511 00:24:02,467 --> 00:24:03,433 you know. 512 00:24:03,533 --> 00:24:05,700 Wouldn't be much of another day for me. 513 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:07,700 I could tell them I pushed her. 514 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:08,800 No. 515 00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:10,000 She'd let us back in the building. 516 00:24:10,100 --> 00:24:10,900 She wouldn't. 517 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,100 She's an evil bitch. 518 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,400 That must be destroyed! 519 00:24:13,500 --> 00:24:14,167 - 520 00:24:14,267 --> 00:24:15,433 - Steady on. - Sorry. 521 00:24:15,533 --> 00:24:18,000 We could find somewhere else to put the play on. 522 00:24:18,100 --> 00:24:20,233 Keep Mickey out of Sing Sing. 523 00:24:20,333 --> 00:24:22,533 Where? 524 00:24:22,633 --> 00:24:24,433 You two are all over each other like a tick 525 00:24:24,533 --> 00:24:25,633 on a tramp's vest. 526 00:24:25,733 --> 00:24:26,900 What's the secret? 527 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,033 We've discovered the secret to happiness. 528 00:24:29,133 --> 00:24:30,900 White wine and "Night Nurse"? 529 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,933 Doing something together we both enjoy. 530 00:24:34,033 --> 00:24:35,267 BILLY: Do you fancy doing it again? 531 00:24:35,367 --> 00:24:37,000 Tonight? 532 00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:38,733 Oh, mwah! 533 00:24:38,833 --> 00:24:40,867 You know I'm only used the play as just a ruse, right? 534 00:24:40,967 --> 00:24:42,100 Oh yeah? 535 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:44,700 Well, We I'm training 'em up, aren't I? 536 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,533 Well, think about it. 537 00:24:46,633 --> 00:24:49,033 They'll be the best drug dealers in the world. 538 00:24:49,133 --> 00:24:50,900 They're methodical, practical. 539 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:52,267 They won't use the produce. 540 00:24:52,367 --> 00:24:56,533 And the best thing is, the filth won't suspect 'em. 541 00:24:56,633 --> 00:24:59,500 Well, look at 'em. 542 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:00,700 What the fuck's this? 543 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,067 Attack of the-- gah! 544 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:02,967 Bollocks! 545 00:25:03,067 --> 00:25:04,433 You smelly old tramp. 546 00:25:04,533 --> 00:25:09,033 It's time we start standing up for ourselves. 547 00:25:09,133 --> 00:25:10,300 Fucking set of-- 548 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,400 argh! 549 00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:16,867 Before you say owt, I know they're gonna kill me one day. 550 00:25:16,967 --> 00:25:18,600 It's not you I'm worried about. 551 00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:22,000 It's your baby. 552 00:25:22,100 --> 00:25:24,200 Your baby doesn't have a choice. 553 00:25:24,300 --> 00:25:27,000 I'm not pregnant, sweet heart. 554 00:25:27,100 --> 00:25:30,067 Trapped wind and a little bit of heart burn. 555 00:25:30,167 --> 00:25:32,833 Always going to the toilet. 556 00:25:32,933 --> 00:25:35,100 You're having a baby. 557 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,767 Great news. 558 00:25:37,867 --> 00:25:39,600 Great news. 559 00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:41,900 Jamie has said that we can rehearse and put 560 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:46,067 the show on in here, provided you lot run 561 00:25:46,167 --> 00:25:48,900 a few errands for him. 562 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:50,267 10 pound each, yeah? 563 00:25:50,367 --> 00:25:52,533 And I'll invite a few heads from the council, 564 00:25:52,633 --> 00:25:53,833 see if we can get a bit of funding. 565 00:25:53,933 --> 00:25:55,800 Then we can open our very own center 566 00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:58,300 right here in the Chatsworth! 567 00:26:02,900 --> 00:26:04,500 Or somewhere else. 568 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:05,400 Yay! 569 00:26:08,133 --> 00:26:10,733 Now, come on, you little band of biffers. 570 00:26:10,833 --> 00:26:11,733 Wanker! 571 00:26:11,833 --> 00:26:13,133 Wanker! 572 00:26:13,233 --> 00:26:14,967 WOMAN: Cock off! 573 00:26:15,067 --> 00:26:16,100 Do you think this is gonna work? 574 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:17,500 It has to. 575 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:20,500 No, not just for me freedom, but also, well, to show 576 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,067 those snide fuckers around here, always taking the piss. 577 00:26:43,133 --> 00:26:45,600 Are you sure about this? 578 00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:47,100 Yes. 579 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:51,800 But in the Bible Joseph didn't saw anyone in half. 580 00:26:51,900 --> 00:26:54,100 It's artistic license. 581 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,833 Now, it doesn't say that he didn't saw anyone in half. 582 00:26:56,933 --> 00:27:01,800 And he was a joiner, so, well, he'd have had saws and shit, 583 00:27:01,900 --> 00:27:04,567 and maybe a bit of curiosity. 584 00:27:04,667 --> 00:27:05,467 Trust me. 585 00:27:08,700 --> 00:27:09,500 It's a boy. 586 00:27:12,133 --> 00:27:13,833 I'm not pregnant. 587 00:27:13,933 --> 00:27:16,533 The ring never lies. 588 00:27:16,633 --> 00:27:18,333 It's a boy. 589 00:27:18,433 --> 00:27:21,267 My husband is infertile. 590 00:27:21,367 --> 00:27:22,200 Oh. 591 00:27:24,967 --> 00:27:26,267 Funny. 592 00:27:26,367 --> 00:27:28,500 But if you've only been having sex with your husband-- 593 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:40,467 Guess this isn't just about the paint on my carpet? 594 00:27:46,900 --> 00:27:49,433 Want a a bit of help, sweetheart? 595 00:27:49,533 --> 00:27:51,067 Cost you. 596 00:27:51,167 --> 00:27:53,800 What happened to the milk of human kindness? 597 00:27:53,900 --> 00:27:55,367 Oh, turned to cheese. 598 00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:58,033 20 quid an hour, you'll get all the help you need. 599 00:27:58,133 --> 00:28:00,267 One part white spirit and two parts water will 600 00:28:00,367 --> 00:28:01,667 shift that in next to no time. 601 00:28:06,133 --> 00:28:08,567 [phone ringing] 602 00:28:13,067 --> 00:28:15,033 OK, I'm not a big believer in miracles, 603 00:28:15,133 --> 00:28:16,367 especially not around here. 604 00:28:16,467 --> 00:28:20,767 So we can rule out another immaculate conception. 605 00:28:20,867 --> 00:28:22,667 And Shane's infertile. 606 00:28:26,533 --> 00:28:27,333 It's Marty. 607 00:28:30,367 --> 00:28:32,700 You never go bareback. 608 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:33,867 It wasn't business. 609 00:28:33,967 --> 00:28:36,500 It was more than that. - Are you sure-- 610 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:38,333 What happens when it all turns to shit? 611 00:28:41,833 --> 00:28:42,867 What am I gonna do? 612 00:28:42,967 --> 00:28:43,800 We can sort this yet. 613 00:28:43,900 --> 00:28:44,767 We can-- 614 00:28:44,867 --> 00:28:46,633 I'm not getting rid of it! 615 00:28:46,733 --> 00:28:50,600 It's all we've-- me and Shane, it's-- it's all 616 00:28:50,700 --> 00:28:53,367 we've ever wanted. 617 00:28:53,467 --> 00:28:55,733 [phone ringing] 618 00:28:58,200 --> 00:28:59,667 I can't tell him. 619 00:28:59,767 --> 00:29:01,833 Well, you're gonna have to tell him something. 620 00:29:01,933 --> 00:29:03,500 I can't. 621 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,400 He's gonna find out sooner or later. 622 00:29:38,100 --> 00:29:40,567 Watch yourself, Rain Man. 623 00:29:40,667 --> 00:29:41,533 What do you think? 624 00:29:41,633 --> 00:29:42,467 Perfect. 625 00:29:48,433 --> 00:29:49,300 What? 626 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,767 Why don't you just talk to Terry? 627 00:29:52,867 --> 00:29:54,567 Well, I know he likes you. 628 00:29:54,667 --> 00:29:55,800 It's not that easy. 629 00:29:55,900 --> 00:29:57,133 Well, it was all right for you to barge in the bogs 630 00:29:57,233 --> 00:29:58,500 and offer me a gobjob. 631 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,600 That was just sex. 632 00:30:00,700 --> 00:30:01,967 It's different with Terry. 633 00:30:02,067 --> 00:30:03,067 I don't know what I feel. 634 00:30:05,967 --> 00:30:10,767 Sometimes, it's hard to tell someone what's really going on. 635 00:30:10,867 --> 00:30:12,600 Hey, I've been ringing you. 636 00:30:12,700 --> 00:30:13,967 Oh, right. 637 00:30:14,067 --> 00:30:15,700 Sorry, me phone's been on silent for rehearsals. 638 00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:18,233 - Have you finished? - No, we've only just started. 639 00:30:18,333 --> 00:30:19,233 Listen, I've got a job on. 640 00:30:19,333 --> 00:30:20,633 You gonna be all right? 641 00:30:20,733 --> 00:30:21,867 I can't take her with me. 642 00:30:21,967 --> 00:30:23,000 It's too dangerous. 643 00:30:23,100 --> 00:30:24,233 [sobbing] 644 00:30:24,333 --> 00:30:25,733 Hey, she can be the baby Jesus. 645 00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,733 [music playing] 646 00:30:33,833 --> 00:30:36,967 My only concern now is getting a crowd in to see it. 647 00:30:37,067 --> 00:30:38,567 You know, an audience, you know. 648 00:30:38,667 --> 00:30:40,200 I mean, who's gonna want to come and see 649 00:30:40,300 --> 00:30:43,633 this lot do the nativity, and it's not even Christmas? 650 00:30:43,733 --> 00:30:45,000 Why can't it be Christmas? 651 00:30:45,100 --> 00:30:46,767 Tills are always bursting. 652 00:30:46,867 --> 00:30:47,667 I love Christmas. 653 00:31:08,433 --> 00:31:09,067 Ow! 654 00:31:09,167 --> 00:31:10,000 I'm sorry. 655 00:31:10,100 --> 00:31:11,467 Are you all right? 656 00:31:11,567 --> 00:31:14,433 I've twisted me knee! 657 00:31:14,533 --> 00:31:15,833 It needs support. 658 00:31:15,933 --> 00:31:17,400 I need a bandage. 659 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:31,267 Ow! 660 00:31:31,367 --> 00:31:32,667 Sorry. 661 00:31:32,767 --> 00:31:33,633 Will you be OK? 662 00:31:39,133 --> 00:31:41,400 It hasn't got an alarm, but instead it's 663 00:31:41,500 --> 00:31:44,167 got a private security company with a direct link 664 00:31:44,267 --> 00:31:46,000 to the full filth. Perfect! 665 00:31:46,100 --> 00:31:47,067 They'll send me down for this. 666 00:31:47,167 --> 00:31:47,967 I know it. 667 00:31:48,067 --> 00:31:49,133 Oh, grow up! 668 00:31:49,233 --> 00:31:50,700 I can't go to prison. I'm too young! 669 00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:53,933 We'll get our brief on to it, be away on some technicality. 670 00:31:54,033 --> 00:31:55,100 Don't worry. 671 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:56,667 What if we don't? 672 00:31:56,767 --> 00:31:59,533 I'll pack you some lube, pretty boy like you. 673 00:32:04,533 --> 00:32:05,333 Oi. 674 00:32:10,100 --> 00:32:11,067 Dozy bastard. 675 00:32:29,967 --> 00:32:31,900 Should have come back to the car. 676 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:33,733 They would have seen us. 677 00:32:33,833 --> 00:32:34,900 Ring Shane or someone. 678 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:36,433 Ask 'em to pick us up. 679 00:32:36,533 --> 00:32:37,967 Where's your phone? 680 00:32:38,067 --> 00:32:39,100 In the car. 681 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:42,100 Where's your phone? - In the car. 682 00:32:44,433 --> 00:32:45,067 Fuck! 683 00:32:45,167 --> 00:32:47,633 What are we gonna do? 684 00:32:47,733 --> 00:32:49,800 I don't know. 685 00:32:49,900 --> 00:32:51,900 Paddy'd know what to do. 686 00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:52,933 He would. 687 00:32:53,033 --> 00:32:54,700 One clever fuck, that one. 688 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:57,600 Great under pressure, always thinking on his feet, you know. 689 00:32:57,700 --> 00:32:59,367 Well, that's the answer to our problems, isn't it? 690 00:32:59,467 --> 00:33:01,300 Do a fucking seance and ask Paddy what we should do? 691 00:33:07,633 --> 00:33:10,567 I'm sorry. 692 00:33:10,667 --> 00:33:13,767 No, I'm sorry. 693 00:33:13,867 --> 00:33:15,267 Right, we can't get a cab. 694 00:33:15,367 --> 00:33:17,767 We can't hitch a lift, not with these. 695 00:33:17,867 --> 00:33:18,900 So-- 696 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:20,733 - We'll walk. - We can't. 697 00:33:20,833 --> 00:33:21,800 It's too risky. 698 00:33:21,900 --> 00:33:23,067 Filth are looking for us. 699 00:33:23,167 --> 00:33:24,433 We need somewhere to lay low till morning. 700 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:41,667 We shouldn't be doing this. 701 00:33:41,767 --> 00:33:43,233 It's a church. 702 00:33:43,333 --> 00:33:44,633 Hardly. 703 00:33:44,733 --> 00:33:46,467 One of God's houses. 704 00:33:46,567 --> 00:33:49,767 Hasn't paid his council tax by the looks of it. 705 00:33:49,867 --> 00:33:50,833 That's blasphemous! 706 00:33:50,933 --> 00:33:52,233 What? 707 00:33:52,333 --> 00:33:53,733 It's all right to break into offices and nick stuff, 708 00:33:53,833 --> 00:33:57,033 but it's not all right to walk into an unlocked church? 709 00:33:57,133 --> 00:34:00,833 I've got morals! 710 00:34:00,933 --> 00:34:02,933 Doesn't look like it's in use now, anyway. 711 00:34:03,033 --> 00:34:05,000 Come on. 712 00:34:05,100 --> 00:34:05,900 What are doing? 713 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:06,833 Looking. 714 00:34:06,933 --> 00:34:08,000 For what? 715 00:34:08,100 --> 00:34:10,433 A saw, or summat to get these off. 716 00:34:10,533 --> 00:34:13,400 Oh yeah, you always get a saw in a church. 717 00:34:13,500 --> 00:34:14,533 Drink this. 718 00:34:14,633 --> 00:34:16,667 It's the blood of Christ. This is his body. 719 00:34:16,767 --> 00:34:17,767 This is his saw. 720 00:34:17,867 --> 00:34:19,267 Well, what's your big plan, then, 721 00:34:19,367 --> 00:34:21,267 seeing as you think you're the brains of the outfit? 722 00:34:21,367 --> 00:34:22,967 I am the brains of the outfit! 723 00:34:23,067 --> 00:34:23,867 Well, what am I, then? 724 00:34:23,967 --> 00:34:24,767 A piece of meat? 725 00:34:24,867 --> 00:34:26,700 A fuck machine? 726 00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:31,933 Have a bit of respect, swearing in a place of worship! 727 00:34:32,033 --> 00:34:33,867 I don't give a shit! 728 00:34:33,967 --> 00:34:34,800 Hang on. 729 00:34:40,633 --> 00:34:42,767 Ah, thank you, God. 730 00:34:42,867 --> 00:34:45,300 [helicopter flies overhead] 731 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,400 Oh, a copper chopper. 732 00:34:51,500 --> 00:34:52,133 Pigs will fly. 733 00:34:52,233 --> 00:34:53,167 Come on, hurry up. 734 00:34:53,267 --> 00:34:54,567 I'm going as fast as I can. 735 00:34:54,667 --> 00:34:56,200 We'll be here forever at this rate. 736 00:34:56,300 --> 00:34:58,933 It'd go quicker if I sawed for your wrist. 737 00:34:59,033 --> 00:35:00,167 going to Hell, you! 738 00:35:00,267 --> 00:35:01,633 What, and you're not? 739 00:35:01,733 --> 00:35:02,733 I pray! 740 00:35:02,833 --> 00:35:04,000 I repent! 741 00:35:04,100 --> 00:35:06,600 I go to confession! 742 00:35:06,700 --> 00:35:08,467 I don't get why you believe in all that shit. 743 00:35:08,567 --> 00:35:10,433 After everything I've been through? 744 00:35:17,933 --> 00:35:20,933 I have to believe my dead children are in a better place. 745 00:35:21,033 --> 00:35:23,333 Because if I thought this was it, 746 00:35:23,433 --> 00:35:29,200 that life was just this with nothing at the end, 747 00:35:29,300 --> 00:35:30,800 then I'd just give up! 748 00:35:42,100 --> 00:35:47,700 Maybe you need to start looking at this a bit 749 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:49,467 differently. 750 00:35:49,567 --> 00:35:51,400 That was then. 751 00:35:51,500 --> 00:35:53,533 This is now. 752 00:35:53,633 --> 00:35:56,133 You, me, and Cilla. 753 00:36:24,267 --> 00:36:25,800 Kind of liked having you by me side. 754 00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:31,567 Maybe we should make it more permanent. 755 00:36:31,667 --> 00:36:32,500 You having a laugh? 756 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:33,700 No. 757 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:34,633 Will you marry me? 758 00:36:55,067 --> 00:36:57,533 Everyone all right? 759 00:36:57,633 --> 00:36:58,533 How you doing? 760 00:36:58,633 --> 00:37:00,367 Nervous? 761 00:37:00,467 --> 00:37:02,233 I've still not had a shag. 762 00:37:02,333 --> 00:37:04,967 Oh, who the fuck are you supposed to be? 763 00:37:05,067 --> 00:37:06,200 Innkeeper. 764 00:37:06,300 --> 00:37:08,633 But I-- I've still not shagged woman yet. 765 00:37:08,733 --> 00:37:11,567 But what's with all the paint? 766 00:37:11,667 --> 00:37:12,400 I get it. 767 00:37:12,500 --> 00:37:15,067 It's fucking "Avatar," isn't it? 768 00:37:15,167 --> 00:37:16,733 Avatar innkeeper! 769 00:37:16,833 --> 00:37:22,067 But there's-- never mind. 770 00:37:22,167 --> 00:37:24,500 Now, Terry, I just wanted to have a quick word with you 771 00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:25,767 about the last scene. 772 00:37:25,867 --> 00:37:27,067 Now, I know we've not rehearsed it, 773 00:37:27,167 --> 00:37:31,100 but Joseph should kiss Mary at the end. 774 00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:32,533 It's Lise's idea. 775 00:37:35,567 --> 00:37:40,167 But in the Bible, Mary and Joseph don't kiss. 776 00:37:43,067 --> 00:37:45,067 Well, it don't say they didn't, either. 777 00:37:45,167 --> 00:37:47,267 I mean, they probably did a lot more besides kissing. 778 00:37:47,367 --> 00:37:49,667 I mean, you're up the duff. 779 00:37:49,767 --> 00:37:51,167 It's not your husband's. 780 00:37:51,267 --> 00:37:52,767 You're gonna have to do a bit more than kissing to make 781 00:37:52,867 --> 00:37:53,767 him sweet, aren't you, eh? 782 00:37:53,867 --> 00:37:54,667 You know what I mean? 783 00:37:57,633 --> 00:37:58,767 Think about it. 784 00:37:58,867 --> 00:38:01,300 Mary's giving Joseph a blowjob. 785 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:02,933 Well, no. Not in our play. 786 00:38:03,033 --> 00:38:03,900 I mean, maybe after. 787 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:04,833 Who knows? 788 00:38:04,933 --> 00:38:06,133 But just a kiss for now. 789 00:38:10,700 --> 00:38:11,533 Never mind. 790 00:38:16,467 --> 00:38:19,733 Lise, I've just had a chat with Terry, 791 00:38:19,833 --> 00:38:21,433 and he's come up with this great idea 792 00:38:21,533 --> 00:38:24,800 that Mary and Joseph kiss at the end. 793 00:38:24,900 --> 00:38:25,733 It were all his idea. 794 00:38:31,767 --> 00:38:33,667 Like a dream. 795 00:38:33,767 --> 00:38:34,900 Call an ambulance. 796 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,033 He's passed out. 797 00:38:36,133 --> 00:38:38,533 Must have been the paint. 798 00:38:38,633 --> 00:38:39,667 Don't worry, Micky. 799 00:38:39,767 --> 00:38:41,600 Leave him to us. 800 00:38:41,700 --> 00:38:42,500 Fucking hell, Ches. 801 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:43,933 Come on. 802 00:38:44,033 --> 00:38:46,200 You'll need a new innkeeper now, Micky. 803 00:38:46,300 --> 00:38:48,233 Well, he's not gonna be up to doing the show. 804 00:38:48,333 --> 00:38:49,167 Well, what are you gonna do? 805 00:38:49,267 --> 00:38:50,267 Michael Maguire? 806 00:38:52,500 --> 00:38:54,200 - It depends. - We spoke earlier. 807 00:38:54,300 --> 00:38:55,233 I'm from the council. 808 00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:57,000 Brilliant, isn't it? 809 00:38:57,100 --> 00:38:58,733 Oh yeah, great. 810 00:38:58,833 --> 00:39:00,167 We're chuffed you could come. 811 00:39:00,267 --> 00:39:01,567 You'll get to see what this group have done, 812 00:39:01,667 --> 00:39:03,600 and maybe bum 'em a bit of cash, get them 813 00:39:03,700 --> 00:39:04,800 their own center and that. 814 00:39:04,900 --> 00:39:06,367 I'm the Health and Safety Executive. 815 00:39:06,467 --> 00:39:09,000 There will be no public performance on these premises. 816 00:39:09,100 --> 00:39:10,533 The set has to be fireproofed. 817 00:39:10,633 --> 00:39:12,867 There are no fire exit signs displayed. 818 00:39:12,967 --> 00:39:14,333 Risk of overcrowding. 819 00:39:14,433 --> 00:39:15,733 This lot have got a performance 820 00:39:15,833 --> 00:39:17,300 in less than an hour. 821 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:20,633 Well, you have to cancel. 822 00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:24,800 Notification of intention to prosecute if you fail to abide. 823 00:39:24,900 --> 00:39:27,333 Council. 824 00:39:27,433 --> 00:39:28,767 Well, that's that, then. 825 00:39:28,867 --> 00:39:31,367 No stage, no innkeeper, no show. 826 00:39:38,500 --> 00:39:42,333 I've not worked my bollocks off for nothing! 827 00:39:42,433 --> 00:39:43,267 We are doing it. 828 00:39:48,133 --> 00:39:50,567 [cheering] 829 00:39:52,067 --> 00:39:54,500 [chattering] 830 00:39:58,967 --> 00:40:00,033 Bugger off! 831 00:40:00,133 --> 00:40:01,433 Can't you see it's the second coming? 832 00:40:08,700 --> 00:40:14,967 All of the hotels and the pubs are all full. 833 00:40:15,067 --> 00:40:17,267 Man United must be playing. 834 00:40:17,367 --> 00:40:22,100 This is the last inn for miles. 835 00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:31,267 [knocking on door] 836 00:40:32,767 --> 00:40:35,200 [laughter] 837 00:40:41,833 --> 00:40:42,633 Hello. 838 00:40:42,733 --> 00:40:46,033 My wife is with child. 839 00:40:46,133 --> 00:40:50,100 We need a bed for the night. 840 00:40:50,200 --> 00:40:54,367 Do you have room at your inn? 841 00:41:06,867 --> 00:41:07,667 LISE: Go no. 842 00:41:16,100 --> 00:41:19,033 Do you have room at your inn? 843 00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:22,400 Go on. 844 00:41:26,333 --> 00:41:28,533 We-- we haven't got any room. I'm sorry. 845 00:41:30,867 --> 00:41:31,700 Gutted. 846 00:41:35,433 --> 00:41:38,567 I'll tell you what, though. 847 00:41:38,667 --> 00:41:43,000 We've got a sort of stable around there. 848 00:41:43,100 --> 00:41:46,133 You can have that, if you want. 849 00:41:46,233 --> 00:41:47,233 Thank you, sir. 850 00:41:47,333 --> 00:41:50,767 Thank you for your kindness. 851 00:41:50,867 --> 00:41:51,700 Nice one. 852 00:41:57,133 --> 00:41:59,567 [cheering] 853 00:42:07,967 --> 00:42:09,167 [knocking on door] 854 00:42:09,267 --> 00:42:11,000 I've Already told you, we haven't got any room. 855 00:42:11,100 --> 00:42:12,867 The bizzies are after us. 856 00:42:12,967 --> 00:42:14,833 Get in! 857 00:42:14,933 --> 00:42:17,400 [laughter] 858 00:42:19,900 --> 00:42:21,767 [cheering] 859 00:42:21,867 --> 00:42:22,767 Will you marry me? 860 00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:33,667 [screaming] 861 00:42:36,167 --> 00:42:38,533 It's like squeezing a bowling ball through the eye 862 00:42:38,633 --> 00:42:40,667 of a fucking needle! 863 00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:41,600 Hardly. 864 00:42:50,800 --> 00:42:53,533 I-- I'm not going to the hospital until I've got a shag. 865 00:42:53,633 --> 00:42:55,000 Don't look at me. 866 00:42:55,100 --> 00:42:56,100 Or me. 867 00:42:59,967 --> 00:43:05,633 (SINGING): Somewhere a place for us, 868 00:43:05,733 --> 00:43:16,167 peace and quiet and open air wait for us somewhere. 869 00:43:19,633 --> 00:43:24,867 There's a time for us. 870 00:43:24,967 --> 00:43:26,733 MICKY (VOICEOVER): There is magic everywhere, 871 00:43:26,833 --> 00:43:28,433 but only if you believe. 872 00:43:28,533 --> 00:43:30,367 That's what people say, isn't it? 873 00:43:30,467 --> 00:43:31,667 You know the type of people. 874 00:43:31,767 --> 00:43:34,767 They go on about star signs, angels, and shit. 875 00:43:34,867 --> 00:43:36,400 They have DVD box sets of "Friends" 876 00:43:36,500 --> 00:43:38,933 and they cry at greeting cards. 877 00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:40,700 And they're usually single. 878 00:43:40,800 --> 00:43:43,100 You won't find magic with a bunch of weekend hippies 879 00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:45,433 at Glastonbury squatting on ley lines. 880 00:43:45,533 --> 00:43:50,600 Oh yeah, they've all got henna tattoos and a set of crystals. 881 00:43:50,700 --> 00:43:53,900 (SINGING): Somewhere! 882 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:55,267 MICKY (VOICEOVER): You want real magic, 883 00:43:55,367 --> 00:43:57,200 you go to Creamfields with a spliff, 884 00:43:57,300 --> 00:44:00,067 a bag of pills in one hand, a bag of mushrooms in the other. 885 00:44:00,167 --> 00:44:08,467 (SINGING): We'll find a way of forgetting somewhere. 886 00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:11,800 That's it. 887 00:44:14,667 --> 00:44:17,367 Yeah, that was all right, that, for a dickhead. 888 00:44:17,467 --> 00:44:20,367 MICKY (VOICEOVER): The real secret is, you 889 00:44:20,467 --> 00:44:22,967 have to work hard for magic. 890 00:44:23,067 --> 00:44:24,700 It's not handed to you on a plate. 891 00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:25,867 Micky Maguire, eh? 892 00:44:25,967 --> 00:44:27,267 MICKY (VOICEOVER): The universe don't 893 00:44:27,367 --> 00:44:31,933 give a flying fuck about your pissy little existence. 894 00:44:32,033 --> 00:44:33,033 Mum! 895 00:44:36,467 --> 00:44:37,300 Micky! 896 00:44:40,900 --> 00:44:42,167 MICKY (VOICEOVER): Close the book, 897 00:44:42,267 --> 00:44:45,700 stop chanting, ringing bells, and open your eyes. 898 00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:47,033 You want magic? 899 00:44:47,133 --> 00:44:49,267 Make it fucking happen, then! 900 00:44:49,367 --> 00:44:56,400 (SINGING): Somewhere, somewhere! 901 00:44:56,500 --> 00:44:58,800 [theme music] 902 00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:41,100 And let me put the egg in like so. 903 00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:44,200 And then we say the magic words. 904 00:45:44,300 --> 00:45:46,033 Fish and chippingtons! 905 00:45:49,967 --> 00:45:51,467 With a bit of luck-- 906 00:45:54,733 --> 00:45:57,533 It's not worked, but you know. 907 00:45:57,633 --> 00:45:59,800 You have a go. 908 00:45:59,900 --> 00:46:01,267 [magical sound] 909 00:46:03,700 --> 00:46:05,200 [clucking] 910 00:46:12,033 --> 00:46:13,533 [crowing] 911 00:46:13,633 --> 00:46:16,333 [laughter]