Anyone watching thinking they know fuck
all about knowing fuck all about aught
needs to watch their backs.
So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky high literally, literally taking
the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your Con-Dem-Nation.
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is "revolution" a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Fucking yak yak, yak yak, yak yak, yak yak.
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now!
Party!
KELLY (VOICEOVER): The first throes
of love are all about passion.
Eyes, hands, lips, limbs, kisses,
"I love you's" and promises of never ending devotion.
Burnt into memory every nook and cranny of that face, that body,
drowning in each other, getting your fill, getting more than
your fill, that thirst you can never really quench,
no matter how much you try.
And fuck knows we try, don't we?
I read in some mag, in a waiting room years back,
that if you put a coin in a jar every time you made love
in the first three years of your relationship,
then took one out every time you did it after three years,
you'd never ever, ever, ever be able to empty it.
Come again, and soon.
Not too soon, though, eh, tiger?
Give me some time to recover.
Rawr.
Dickhead.
He's tipped you?
He thinks he made me come.
Screams were almost convincing.
The yelps helped.
I had cramp.
It came in handy.
I can spot a fake a mile off.
Well, I guess you've pulled a few in your time.
Didn't need to.
My Brendan were gifted in the trouser department.
When he stripped off, put me in mind of a tripod.
Any chance of you finishing early?
We've got a stud due in any minute now.
I'd leave the girls to it, but we need
all hands on deck for this one.
Lillian just took a call, and the lads have been chewing
Viagra since they left Burnley.
They weren't walking.
They'll be pole vaulting.
No worries.
I'll catch you later, OK?
He knows that you're lying.
Orgasms aren't the only thing I'm good at faking.
He hasn't got a clue.
Don't know what's wrong with her lately.
I do.
It's too small.
Well, it'll keep the wind off your back.
Yeah, and give me twatting frostbite at the front.
I'll look like a fucking nutter.
But you are a fucking nutter!
Take no notice.
Look, beggars can't be choosers.
Look, as soon as you get a few bob rolling in, it's me
and you straight down to Primani for a proper makeover.
But until then, it's our Shane's castoffs.
It suits you.
Yeah, it looks nice.
It's pink, and it smells of perfume.
Only real men can wear pink.
And it's aftershave, that.
This is a bird's fluffy jumper.
Angora!
He's allergic to man-made.
Why's it got tit shapes in it?
It must have been me mum's.
You need to try it on.
You look lovely.
None of it fits!
I can't survive much longer on two pairs of socks, three
t-shirts, and a pair of undies.
Just one pair?
I wish I'd known that sooner.
I'm only on a tea break.
Laters.
Look, just go commando whilst they wash and dry, eh?
Ready for action.
Homo!
Sorry.
I can't.
I'll chafe.
It was only gonna go into a bottle
of baby oil and some poppers.
You've been a pal to me, Micky.
And if I were queer, I'd bum you here and now.
Thanks, mate.
You're gonna make someone a lovely life partner one day.
But I've gotta stand up on me own two feet.
I need cash, so I'll have to do a job.
Get a job.
[screaming]
Everybody get down!
Shut up.
This is a fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.
This is a stick-up!
Rectal prolapse!
Give me the money.
Give me the money!
Wicked, evil bastard!
Fuck off!
[chuckling]
Sit down.
Wait till you see this.
It's glass.
Come on.
In my seat.
Soon Soon have you smiling again, girl.
REPORTER (ON TV): This CCTV footage--
[laughter]
Isn't that the shittest--
Crappest robber you have ever seen?
How much did he get away with?
Enough for some chips and a taxi home.
The fucking shame of it.
[laughter]
You know who that was?
Come on, you know.
I don't know.
So why don't you tell me?
- Marty. - How do you know?
He was wearing my old coat.
His style, is it?
Armed robbery, not the coat.
I don't know him well enough to know
what his fucking style is.
But what I do know is, it's only a matter of time
before the filth get their shit together and clock it in.
And?
Arrest him.
You're not arsed?
He's a punter, Shane.
Offering 10 grand reward for some to grass him up.
If
He's daft enough to threaten people with a gun,
he deserves grassing up.
It's a deposit on a house that, you know.
10 grand.
Maguires don't grass.
Hm.
Fucking stupid, though, wasn't it?
Well, he is fucking stupid.
Aren't you?
I said, aren't you?
What the fuck was I supposed to do?
I'm here, skint, I can't work.
I can't-- I can't sign on.
What, in case the police catch you for nonpayment
of maintenance, you mean?
As opposed to armed fucking robbery, you gormless twat!
- I needed money! - Then ask!
Don't go holding up post offices with fucking guns!
You could've killed someone, you poor bastard
collecting their pension.
You could've gotten killed yourself.
And then what would I have done?
I mean, how I would explain that to Sue?
Where'd you get the gun?
They're stashed there.
It's family stuff.
You know the score, Kel.
You keep him away from guns.
You got that?
Guns and fucking matches!
Sorry!
It could bring a load of trouble.
We've had enough.
That-- that gun could be linked to Shane maybe.
And then--
You're looking lovely.
You do.
You look dead nice.
Like, nice.
Proper like, glowing healthily.
I was thinking, do you want me to make tea tonight?
What's going on?
Why would anything be going on?
I was married longer than you've been alive.
And I know that when a man's buttering you
up with a string of compliments, it usually means he's
about to do one of two things--
confess or request.
Which is it?
Uh--
Don't lie.
If you've got something to say, say it.
- I was-- - Speak.
Well, now it's out in the open, who Cilla's dad is.
I was thinking if like--
if-- if we could, well, you know, when she's christened,
if we could give her a second name?
You know, because her mum gave her her first name.
Her dad can give her a second?
- What were you thinking of? - Maureen.
Fuck off!
What, it's my mum's name.
She can keep it.
It's It's not fair, Mimi.
You get to do everything, and I just get shit on by you,
Shane, Jamie, and Micky.
OK.
Always taking the piss out of-- out of me.
Did you say OK, then?
On one condition.
That you convert, come over to our side.
You-- you mean support Liverpool?
I mean become a Catholic, you knobhead.
Oh. Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah.
You've been named Marty boy.
Armed robber of the post office.
Cuddly little Marty with his funny little ways.
Wouldn't harm a fly, eh?
F-- fuck off.
Terrify a gang of pensioners half to death
in a post office queue, yes.
But wouldn't harm a fly.
Fuck off, Shane.
Come on, for I'm fucking with you.
You know what?
I've been doing a bit of research, mate.
All you have to do is type in "arson," and "Fuengerola,"
and it's fucking amazing what pops up.
You know, it's funny you never mentioned that your wife
and kids died in an house fire.
Anyone'd think you had summat to hide, mate.
Save your breath, Marty.
You're gonna need it.
I've just called the filth.
I've told them where you were.
Run.
[siren wailing]
Run!
I've got a few more castoffs for Marty.
I was dragged out of bed last night
by an armed copper with his gun shoved
halfway up me fucking nostril!
What, family stuff?
They were asking me where Marty was.
I said, "I don't know," and spent
the next nine hours helping the police with their inquiries.
Someone must have grassed.
That'd be me.
Since when did you develop a conscience?
When I found out Marty's wife and kids
died in an arson attack.
Spate of fires across Fuengerola.
Culprit never found.
But you got a fucking nutter out there that's got a history
of that sort of stuff.
And well, one and one is two.
He killed them?
Yup, seems that way.
I was thinking of a trip into town.
Get some new gear, something to eat, eh?
That 10 grand you got for grassing him up
burning a hole in your pocket?
It were anonymous.
I'm booked solid all morning.
Who wants a fuck at this hour?
You, once upon a time.
The thing is, I don't really know anything about God
or religion, Father.
He's C of E. Is he allowed to change sides, Father?
We don't really think of it as sides, now do we, Mimi?
Oh.
It'll be a lot of hard work on your part, Billy.
You'll have to research the faith, attend classes.
He's not afraid of a bit of hard work.
It's for my daughter.
And for you too.
Front of the queue at the pearly gate if you're
a Catholic, eh, Father?
We'll-- we'll keep it informal for the time being.
Yeah.
I look forward to getting to know you as well as I
know the rest of the family.
Lovely seeing you, Father!
And you, Mimi.
- Take care. - See you later.
I will.
See ya.
Micky.
Father.
MIMI: Bye, now.
What's he doing here?
Has someone died?
Billy's gonna be a Catholic.
What the fuck for?
It's shit.
Thou shall not do this, that, and the other.
And the guilt!
It takes you about a week to get over spilling your seed.
Stay proddy, man. Much more fun.
I'm doing for Cilla.
You're doing it to get in with me mum.
I'm doing it for my daughter.
Your sister.
She won't thank you.
If I was gonna change, I'd go Muslim.
The food's better and everything.
And all you gotta do is grow a beard.
You won't even pass the exams, you, anyway.
Why is that, then?
Because you're a thick cunt.
Mum, mum!
You, living room now.
It wasn't me!
Don't have me saying it twice!
No matter how hard I try, your lads
are just gonna keep throwing it back in my face.
Nothing I do is ever gonna be good enough for 'em.
It's a lot for them to take on, you being here.
Gonna take time.
You can handle this.
You're a tough lad.
Made of sterner stuff than they know.
Aren't ya?
Now, these spuds aren't gonna peel themselves, are they?
Shane's here.
I told you, tell him I'm occupied.
I did, but he said he'd wait.
Look, if you and him's got a problem, sort it.
'Cause punters don't like looking
at a face like a smacked horse.
They can get that at home.
Give me a minute.
Tell him I'm just tidying and send him up.
[moaning]
The only time I see anything floral
is weddings, funerals, and when you're trying to keep
me sweet after a fuck-up.
My way of an apology.
A fuck-up.
Yeah, a monumental fuck-up.
You know, I've been--
I've been that busy.
Me mind's been preoccupied with a million
and one different things.
And I've neglected the one thing that I value most.
I said "thing."
I don't-- I mean you.
And I'm sorry.
I know you've been distracted as well.
Hang on a minute.
I don't blame you.
I forced you away.
It takes two to tango badly.
We are good, us, you know.
We used to be.
We still are.
Let's make a bit of time, get away from here.
I want to be your husband again.
I love you, Kelly Maguire.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yes.
Yeah?
Yes.
[shouting]
Let's go, let's go!
It's lovely, isn't it?
Wouldn't think that if you had to spend
as long as I do looking at 'em.
I mean Father Craig.
So did I. Ever since Billy started his conversion classes,
we can't get rid him.
A Mars bar.
[laughter]
[MUSIC -- DEPECHE MODE, "PERSONAL JESUS"]
Well, He can convert me any time.
Oi, right I heard that.
What?
What's got you smiling?
Wouldn't you like to know?
The look of love, little twinkle in the eye
I can detect.
Come on.
Sorted your differences, then?
Never heard it called that before, but we talked.
Toilets.
Now.
Look, I'm tired.
That's all this is.
I'm relieved your marriage is back on track.
I appreciate the concern, but we've never been close,
and I'm not the sister type.
I just wish I'd have had someone
to talk to when me and Jamie were fucking ourselves over.
We've had a rough few months.
Like I said, we've talked, and we're OK.
Good, I'm glad.
Because it's all be too easy to get
hung up on someone who might let you down, wouldn't it?
You know, someone who might offer a bit of excitement
short term.
But long term, well, you wouldn't
back him if he was a horse at the National, would you?
No, I don't think I would.
Use the men's!
Sometimes, we can get distracted.
Things can seem a bit mundane.
We think the grass is always greener,
but then before long, we--
I lost everything.
This isn't a bollocking, Kel.
I just don't want you to make the same mistake I did.
Joe?
There's no bog roll.
Well, drip dry.
Without going into too much detail,
that approach won't have much effect.
Fine.
You can talk to me, you know.
When it comes to stuff like this, you can trust me.
[chattering]
Jamie, usual, double, and whatever those boring bastards
are having, with a cyanide fucking chaser
for each of them,
not know enjoying it?
He's everywhere I turn, never shuts the fuck up.
God this, God that, God the other.
He's got a bleeding parable for everything.
Can't even wipe your ass without him turning
it into some kind of a lesson.
Hello, Father Craig!
Hiya, Father.
Going already?
Service in the morning, Mimi.
Billy says you'll be there.
Not gonna miss out, am I?
Stop this now.
Come!
Well, I-- I just wanted to impress you.
Get rid of that boring bastard.
Then I'll be impressed.
Jamie, over here.
She obviously wants something extreme.
You know, a declaration of your intentions.
Reckon?
Think big, Billy.
It's obviously the way to her heart.
If not heart, it might get you into her knickers.
What do you think she'd really, really like?
What do you reckon would make her happy, her and the boys?
What's going on?
Well, I just want you to be happy.
That's all.
So I did something that'd make you happy.
So you robbed my car.
Borrowed.
Then what the fuck did you give him?
Just a load of ale, bottle of whiskey.
And?
Some pills I found in Micky's sock drawer.
The blue ones?
Orange?
Not the yellow ones.
One of them'd floor all the Happy Mondays!
How many did you slip him?
Four.
Ah!
Well, no wonder he's dead.
They're meant for horses of a nervous disposition!
What in the name of God did you think you were doing?
You said you'd be impressed if I got rid of him.
I didn't mean "kill him, you thick, twat!
I meant, out my line of vision for a split second,
out of my range of hearing, not bleeding dead!
So what are we gonna do?
Pray for forgiveness.
He's killed a priest.
Well, let him fucking pray, then.
It's nowt to do with us.
I'm going to Hell.
I'm not even Catholic.
Oh, and you think God's gonna turn a blind eye to the fact
that we're sitting around a table, discussing how to get
shut of the body?
Hey, excuse me.
I just come up with a solution to the problem, which
went down like a lead balloon.
The solution being that we take him
to your mate's sausage factory?
Never objected before.
I've never turned a priest into a sausage before.
We'll be excommunicated.
We're already excommunicated!
Call your mate.
Make the arrangements.
Hang on.
You're not actually gonna go through with this?
Have you got a better solution?
Remarkable.
Just when I thought you'd never be able to shock me.
OK, if we're going ahead with this,
you need to make yourself scarce.
No way!
He got us into this shit!
He's gonna help get us out.
They'll get a fair few sausages
out of him, though, won't they?
I mean, he was a big lad, wasn't he?
Fucking arse!
[phone beeping]
MARTY: Kelly.
What do you want?
What?
Played me for a fool, didn't you?
No.
Not that I blame you.
I am a fucking idiot, falling for your lies.
If you think I lied, why did you come?
To tell you to get out of my life, to keep on running,
fuck off so far away from me, and never come back.
Sue left me.
She walked out and took the kids.
She wanted stuff I couldn't give her,
and she found someone who could.
And I begged her, begged her to come back.
And she said "to what?"
"To what?"
I was on me own.
And I was getting pissed most nights, because--
then I lost me job because I couldn't get
out of bed for the hangovers.
I ended up on the street.
And I was angry with meself.
I was so angry.
I'd lost me wife, me kids, me job, me flat.
So you set fire to them?
Took a while, but here it is at last, eh?
Will the real Marty Fisher please stand up?
The lying, murdering Marty Fisher.
No.
Save it.
I thought you were different.
Fucking cliche alert!
I hope they find you, Marty.
I hope the filth drag you in, and I
hope you go down for life.
Sue didn't deserve that.
And your kids--
- K-- Kelly-- - Fuck off.
I love you.
And I love Shane.
Shit.
They're still looking for Marty.
Right, father's Craig's pissed after an all night wake.
We're taking him back to church.
Everyone, stay calm.
May I ask May I ask where you're going, lads?
Ah, just bringing a mate home a bit worse for wear.
I hope you sober up before Sunday, Father.
Me daughter's christening.
He's gonna puke.
Do you wanna get out, Father?
No, he's just rat-arsed.
Don't tell the pope.
Do you wanna open the boot for us, please?
[sobbing]
Shh, shut the fuck up!
Yeah, looks great, mate.
Cheers.
This other mate looks in a bad way too.
Oh, he can't handle his booze.
I think it was the punch what finished him off.
That'll teach him.
Cheers, lads.
See you, Father.
Vodka, double.
One for yourself, Mimi.
Fuck knows you could do with one.
And what are you having?
A bit early for me.
[beeping]
To the useless, lying, two-faced,
manipulative, deceitful, gang of total bastardry that is men.
Fuck knows I'll drink to that.
Unless it's our Shane you're talking about.
Punter finally revealed his true colors.
Same again, please, Mimi.
supposed to be at work in 10 minutes.
Got the barbershop quartet in. - Fuck 'em yourself.
Turn the light off.
They'd never know the difference.
'Course they would.
Lillian, this is the male of the species
we're talking about.
Brains and cocks.
Fuck knows there's not much room in there for a brain.
Fuck 'em yourself.
Or better still, tell 'em to go fuck themselves.
You've had two verbal warnings, Kelly.
Third, written.
What?
You're gonna dismiss me?
Then I take you to a tribunal, and--
oh, no.
That's right.
I can't, on account of how your business is illegal,
and you'd end up in it for being a madam.
Madame!
All you need do sometimes is take a step back to get
a good perspective, isn't it?
Where's all this coming from?
From me being let down once too often.
That's where this is going from, Karen.
- Shane? - No, we're good.
Yeah?
Yeah.
All right, kiddo?
All right, mate?
Not bad, mate?
Yeah, good good.
Nice one.
All irght, boys.
All right, mate.
Right, we need to get him in here, yeah.
And then get him to the processing room.
There's gonna be a tea break in about 10 minutes.
So it's gonna be empty.
I'm gonna need a hand getting him stripped.
I'll do it.
You wanna bring him over here, Micky?
Shit.
Mum, you need to be here.
And quick.
You said you checked he was dead.
I did.
You obviously didn't check properly!
It's a miracle.
I'm telling you, it's a miracle.
Go!
Leave the talking to me.
And I prayed, and prayed to God to find a solution.
And he did.
You OK, Father?
I-- uh, I--
I don't know.
I'm sorry, Mimi.
I'm not feeling 100%.
I must have nodded off.
I had the weirdest dream.
And the Lord said to me--
next time you wanna impress me, try a bunch of roses,
a box of chocolates.
We were lucky this time, Billy.
Make sure there isn't a next time, yeah?
You said he was a problem.
I thought you wanted rid.
Why would she go to you if she did?
Because-- because I'm the father of her child.
That was a biological accident.
A happy one!
Yeah, but an accident nonetheless, mum.
Get this straight, Billy.
If there's a problem within this family that needs solving,
this family'll solve it.
You got that?
We don't need you.
We don't want you.
By the way, you pissed yourself.
Ugh.
That hit the spot.
It was lovely, that.
Thought you'd like it.
I liked it?
I loved it.
You don't have to over-do it, Shane.
No, it was nice, that.
It chips, bacon, and egg.
It were great.
I'll do the washing up.
- No. - Come on, I said that I would.
I know what you said.
And I said, I'll do it.
Sorry.
No, it's me.
No, I'm-- I'm probably trying a bit--
No, don't.
It's not you.
This. It's not-- it's not you.
It's me, Shane.
Just-- It's just me.
That mean I can go watch the footie that I recorded?
I love you, Kelly Maguire.
Yeah, you said.
Thank you, Carmel.
Just thought we'd give you this, Father.
Our contribution to the new room for the vestry, Father.
Oh, that's very kind.
Thank you.
So 10 minutes, yeah?
For?
Nice one.
Making out like he's forgot.
You.
Cilla's christening.
2:00.
You did say 2:00.
Of course I didn't forget.
How could I forget a thing like that?
And Billy is properly excited, yeah.
You know, about getting christened at the same time
as his daughter.
Very kind of you to fast track him.
He's welling up.
He's so proud.
I'm going meself.
I'll just prepare.
What the fuck's going on?
Baptism, Cilla's.
And you're godparents.
Lovely.
When? - Now.
Nice one.
If I snuff it, soft-arse'll get custody of Cilla.
That's not gonna happen.
Look at him.
He's a lovely lad, but a few bricks short of a full lot.
Know what I mean?
Mimi, I don't actually believe in--
Heard it all before, Kelly.
You don't believe in God.
We now.
Half the congregation'll be in the same boat.
I just want you to nod when you're supposed to,
light a candle, renounce the devil, then get back to the pub
and get pissed with the rest of us.
Got that?
Come on, soft lad.
Did that just happen?
Who does she think she is?
Oh, geez. Come on, Kel.
She's always like that.
Well, she can fuck off.
You know what?
You're always like that, actually.
And you're always like that, sitting on the fucking fence.
What's it gonna take for you to back me up, mommy's boy?
You knew what you were getting into when you took me on.
Hang on, wait for me!
[phone ringing]
Barbara Castle? In her day.
Edwina Currie?
Posh Scouser.
Contradiction in terms.
See, I'd have slotted Thatcher one in her heyday.
From behind, obviously.
Show her who's boss.
"Ooh, not for turning?"
Well, you fucking will be after this, Maggie.
One up the mineshaft in memory of Scargill.
But Widdecombe?
Wouldn't really be an angle that would satisfy, would there?
It's not as if you could half close
your eyes, so they're all fuzzy and convince yourself
it's somebody else.
Fucking Churchill would be a more attractive proposition.
Miliband's got a pretty face.
I think your mistake was going for someone
with such a low profile.
What do you mean?
The priest.
If you wanna impress the Maguires, aim high.
Take out some gangster, and you'd be quids in.
Telling you.
You wanna reach puberty, keep your trap shut.
Bin, now.
If I'd have wanted a gangster, I wouldn't
have gotten rid of Paddy.
I like you because you're you, OK?
Just be you.
[laughter]
A toast to Cilla Maureen Tutton-Maguire.
Welcome to the family.
Welcome to the family!
And to Billy Tutton, welcome to the family.
Welcome to the family!
You're one of us now.
She means Catholic, by the way.
Not one of them.
For fuck's sake!
What the fuck's done that?
Rats.
Big fucking rat.
Excuse I for queue jumping.
I've got a turtle's head.
They're all occupied, and I'm next.
I'm touching cloth.
Gents!
I'm--
Sorry?
Gonna do the decent thing, hand yourself in?
Admit you're a fucking scumbag for killing your wife and kids?
A pathological liar for leading me on, making me
believe we had some kind of future?
It wasn't supposed to happen this way.
Too right!
I wasn't supposed to fall for the nutter
with fuck all to offer but a criminal record
and an empty wallet!
I wanted the white charger and shining armor, and I get you.
Fucking you!
The lights'll be back on any minute.
Great.
Making sure no one's fallen over.
Broken their neck.
Home soon, eh?
Mhm.
You never asked.
That's what fucking hurt.
After what we'd said, what we'd done, what you said you felt,
you never asked.
Never!
What did I never ask, eh?
You fucking lunatic!
I wanted to tell you what happened,
but I wanted you to know me first!
You wanted me to fall for you first!
I didn't do it.
And if you need me to, I can prove it.
I didn't do it, Kel.
I couldn't!
But even you thought I could.
Even you.
[sobbing]
I'll be at the bus stop.
Corner of Muirfield Avenue and Lytton Street, 9:00.
I wanna start again.
A new life.
Someone I love, someone I never thought I'd
have the luck to come across.
It's a lot to think about, I know.
And I would have done it sooner if-- if all this hadn't
have happened, but I love you.
And I want you with me.
Well, maybe you'll get one if you're lucky.
[chattering]
One, two, three, go.
Ting!
[music playing]
I've not seen you.
Fuck.
KELLY (VOICEOVER): I used to wonder how I'd know
if it was love and not lust.
How could you tell?
Because in the past, I thought it was there, and it wasn't.
It was nice, don't get me wrong.
But it wasn't what it should have been.
It didn't feel like it should have felt.
If just the thought of him doesn't warm you,
if being with him at the end of the day isn't all you need,
if you're not counting the hours until you see them again, if--
if you don't keep their old messages on your phone
just so you can hear that voice, then it's not love.
[phone ringing]
[theme music]
[growling]
Oh, for fuck's sake, mum.
Is that gastric band playing up again?