Anyone watching thinking they know fuck
all about knowing fuck all about owt,
needs to watch their backs!
So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky high.
Literally-- literally-- taking the grass from it's own roots.
Now you've got your Con-Dem Nation,
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester
and they charge us for water!
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times-- yak,
yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now.
Party!
[theme music]
AVRIL (VOICEOVER): You know where
you're up to with animals.
Which ones will sting, bite you, or piss you off.
People are different.
You've got no fucking idea what people are about until they've
stung, bit or pissed you off.
People don't advertise what they're about.
They say one thing and do something completely different.
You never know what's going on for someone, what
they're thinking, what's what.
Don't miss your bus now.
It's about time you were making a move, isn't it?
I don't work anymore.
I was sacked for selling prescription pads
and flogging them onto the great unwashed and depressed.
I'm on the late shift.
Meet me in The Jockey, 7:00.
Great.
See you later.
[music playing]
Hiya!
We meet again.
People will be talking!
Just delivered your mail.
I know.
Is there anything else?
It's just I'm waiting for something special.
Again?
Some more of the wrong names at your address again.
I'll sort them.
- I'll sort it out. - No!
I'll sort them.
You must be snowed under, what with the fire
at the sorting office and that.
We're up and running again.
We've got a dead mailroom, opens junk addresses and lost letters
and gets in touch with the senders
and tells them who lives where.
I'll do it!
[music playing]
Four of those.
Eight of those. Seven of those.
Five of them.
Seven, two, four, eight, two, nine.
Gracias.
Can't - wait!
Fucking hate Magaluf.
Full of Spaniards.
No, it's mainly British.
We should come, half the estate are.
Another reason not to.
Come on, the more the merrier.
The more the cheaper, you mean.
Group discounts are no bad thing.
Especially for the organizer.
What do you mean?
You'll be going free, won't ya?
Be to be some reward for planning it all.
I'm only the treasurer.
It's all Karen's idea.
Talking of, can you get your hands
on any more of those uppers?
You're not supposed to munch them like fucking sweets,
you know.
It's been a difficult month or two.
Right, I'm back.
Where were we?
I'm all over the place at the minute, forgetting stuff.
Question four.
You were on question four.
Question four.
Have you ever pleasured yourself--
had a wank-- in a public place?
Yes.
Yeah.
Where?
On a train.
Work.
It's high, this bar, isn't it?
Now, that's four points each, except Mimi.
Question five, have you ever performed anal sex?
Yep!
Yeah.
Have I fuck?
You're quite straight on the quiet, aren't you?
No offense meant.
It's funny, that, because you've had lots of blokes,
haven't you?
You calling me a slag?
No.
Just because I haven't got a bloke
and haven't done half of what you lot have done
doesn't make me a virgin, does it?
AVRIL: What time do you call this?
Sorry, I got held up.
Time you had a new watch.
Yeah, this one's playing up.
Ta-da!
Must have cost a fortune!
Unless it's a knockoff.
It's proper.
Work gave me a bit of a bonus, employee of the month.
Again?
I know.
Will you get a room?
We will.
I've got questions 17 to 20 planned already.
[vibrator buzzing]
[loud moaning through wall]
I haven't got any knickers on.
[gorky clearing throat]
You rang, brother?
The delivery's there.
So where am I off to today?
Havana?
Rio?
Whalley Range.
The address is in the bag with the bill.
You OK to work through the night?
That new drivers gone AWOL.
Ah, yeah, always glad of the cash, brother.
[phone ringing]
Hang on, another customer.
Chesney's.
And Bex's.
CHESNEY: What can we get for you?
Where's it going to, mate?
About 40 minutes?
Cheers.
- Business is booming? - Can't complain.
Home deliveries, good idea.
I've got a bit of stock needs shifting.
No way.
He's not dealing.
Shh.
I don't want anything to do with any dealers, right?
Sorry, mate, trying to play it halal.
He's trying to run a respectable business.
Yeah, I don't get involved in illegal shit.
You still come to me for a bag of weed, though.
Not anymore.
Knocked it on the head.
BEX: Yeah, that's right.
Nappies.
I forgot nappies.
Oh, I'll get them, shall I?
- 20%. - 30%.
10%.
All right, 30%.
And if the cops appear?
Deny all knowledge.
That your driver take the flak.
[MUSIC - OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN, "PHYSICAL]
Let's get physical, physical.
I wanna get physical.
Let's get into physical.
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk.
Let me hear your body talk.
Let's get physical, physical.
I wanna get physical.
[MUSIC - GARY WRIGHT, "DREAM WEAVER"]
Oh, dream weaver, I be--
[MUSIC - OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN, "PHYSICAL"]
Let me hear your body talk.
I'm not after a job or anything, I'm busy enough.
But, you know, when I'm here and that, maybe I could help.
You all right there, kid?
Are you going to pay for that?
Zero tolerance for shoplifters.
That includes you, too, Frank!
Fucking hell.
Don't do something you'll regret.
I don't know what you're going on about.
You little thief!
All right, your mum or the police?
Let go!
Oi! - Home?
Give it back!
Ah, Dad.
No, don't, please!
I won't do it again!
I bet you won't.
Please don't.
Do you want some b You can have some sex.
How old are you?
[CELL PHONE RINGING IN OTHER ROOM]
Hello?
I don't know what goes on her head half the time, daft kid.
I hope this don't mess anything up.
No, don't worry.
Thanks.
I'll get her home, have a word, make
sure she don't do it again.
Be back before you know it.
You're fucking mental, Catshit!
What did you want with all that weed, anyway?
Just leave us alone, yeah?
He ate all the gear.
It's not funny, Ches!
It is.
You giving it, it's the police!
It's the police!
Yeah, well, it had flashing lights!
A breakdown recovery truck?
Yeah, well, you got to be careful in my job.
One fuck-up and that's it, you're
on the nursery nurse blacklist.
Does that exist?
Well, do you think Maxine Carr would ever
get a job as a nursery nurse?
Yeah, see?
Now, come on.
Let's go to bed.
I'm in the toddler room tomorrow with a dozen little fuckers.
I need to have my whatsits about me.
You all right, kid?
(SING-SONG VOICE) Woo-hoo, it's for you!
It's not my birthday.
It doesn't have to be your birthday to get a present,
does it?
I know we've always said no to this,
but I think you're old enough now.
I love her, Mum!
Thank you, Mum.
Thank you, thank you!
I'm going to call her Beyonce.
I haven't taken my vitamins yet.
We've talked about getting a pet a million times.
You talked.
JACKSON: Pets are expensive.
It was only 500 quid.
Didn't mean that--
500 quid?
It's an investment.
And put her out to stud, you'll make a fortune.
You don't put bitches out to stud.
Well, it's lovely for a child to grow up with a pet.
You never had one, did you?
You should've talked it over with me.
You would've said no.
So you go behind my back instead?
Fuck you.
You know your problem?
You're a control freak.
We'll continue this later.
Oh, no, no.
If you want to continue this, we'll continue this now,
you arrogant piece of shit!
- Morning! - Hiya!
Don't you run away from me!
I'm not running. I'm going to be late for work.
- Bollocks! - Stop it!
Stop what?
You're embarrassing me, following me down the street.
Embarrassing?
Who the fuck do you think you are?
CARL: Avril!
I need to close my holiday account now, me and Micky's.
We need the cash quick.
I haven't got it, Carl.
I mean, I haven't got it right at this moment.
It's in the bank.
Oi!
You get it?
Fuck off.
The suffragettes!
You're off your head, woman.
The suffragettes chained themselves to railings.
Demanding their right to buy a puppy?
Fuck off!
We're a team, Avril, me and you.
And we work best when we make decisions
not alone but together.
I knows my place, Master.
I goes home now and waits on your next instructions.
Yes, sir!
[avril crying out]
What year is it?
1973!
There's no fucking way I'm going through all that shit.
Oh!
Thank you.
Morning.
Hiya.
Looks like you're going my way.
Mind if I walk with you?
Oh, and say no--
I mean, yeah-- if you do.
I don't mind.
Hiya, Ches!
And what if she's already gone to school?
Can stay here all day, you know.
I've got a business to run!
I know, but think of that poor kid.
I'd do it, but I've got to go to work.
You make sure she's all right and I'll
make it up to you later.
My hero!
We should do that again.
Definitely.
Although maybe something a little easier on the knees.
Low impact exercise.
Any suggestions?
Swimming.
It strengthens all the muscles.
I was thinking about something I can work up a bit of a sweat
to, you know?
I love it when I'm like I am now, all hot, all wet.
Badminton Have you pulled something?
I'm trying.
I train as a sports masseur.
I could give you a rub down, if you like.
[mimi moaning]
Now, there's just a little knob of tension just there.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Yeah!
- That better? - Yeah.
That good?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry, Mimi.
But no.
CHESNEY: Hey!
Wait!
Look, I tried to say sorry.
I didn't know that your dad would--
It wasn't him.
Don't sack him, please.
It had naught to do with him.
I had a fight with this girl, I fell down some stairs.
Honest.
Do you want a lift to school?
Is that your car?
How fast is it?
Fast.
[school bell ringing]
What about your mum?
You got a mum?
Up in Scotland, Dundee.
Nice.
Never been there then?
Look, it'd help if you talk to her.
Talk to someone.
No matter what you've done, you don't deserve this.
You think you know what's what, but you don't.
You don't know the half of it.
Leave me alone, please.
What did you do that for?
I'm late.
See you!
AVRIL: Fuck.
(WHISPERING) There he is.
All right, brother?
I am.
How about you?
Can't complain, captain.
And if I did, no one would listen, would they?
What are you drinking?
Fuck off, child abuser, battering your kid like that.
If you think my kid's face had something to do with me,
then you're wrong, very wrong.
She fell off a bike, that's all.
That's not what she said.
Ring the police, Chels.
Tell them about your paedo tendencies, while you're at it.
The school phoned me, concerned that my daughter's having
an inappropriate relationship.
You were seen kissing her.
No, she kissed me.
A peck and I pulled away.
It's bollocks, I swear!
Police will be dead into it.
They love nicking old pervs from Gary Glitter's gang,
don't they?
Don't you get any big ideas, either.
You'd be an accessory, part of his little paedo ring.
Nursery nurse, aren't you?
No.
Maybe.
Connie!
Whose hen do is it?
I was trying something different.
Any post? - Been and gone.
And you won't be getting any of those mixed up letters
and addresses anymore.
They're being called off as we speak.
Everyone will know exactly who you lives where.
And that will be the end of that.
And I won't be breaking my back by carrying
a load of shit post. (ECHOING) Been and gone.
And you won't be getting any of those mixed up letters
and addresses anymore.
Been to the bank, yeah?
MICKY: Our holiday money.
Yeah, we want it back.
People are asking.
CARL: Yeah, where are you going?
April!
[knock on door]
I wanted to apologize about earlier.
No, it's me that should be sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
I shouldn't have--
No, I was giving out signals and I just couldn't.
Mimi, I'm sorry.
My wife-- my wife died recently.
I'm not completely ready yet, you know?
Yeah.
But I am a little attracted to you.
And maybe one day I'll be ready for a relationship.
Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship, either.
Maybe I just want a good, hard fuck.
Beyonce?
Sorry.
Beyonce?
Not at this number.
OK, bye.
Change your uniform before your dad comes home.
Beyonce.
Beyonce!
Hi, love.
Hiya, Jackson!
Finished early.
Thought we had stuff to sort out.
LETITIA: Beyonce!
Beyonce!
All right?
Yeah!
What's up?
You seen him anywhere, Mum?
The front door was open for a bit.
It's escaped?
Looks like it, yeah.
But you've not had a proper look upstairs, under the beds
and that, have you?
That's not your uniform.
Letitia?
You're right.
She had an accident.
She got run over by car.
No, splashed by a car.
Got soaked.
So you borrowed someone else's uniform?
Yeah.
Someone from a different school?
[knock on door]
Avril Powell?
I'm from ManLex, your electricity supplier.
Beyonce!
You have an outstanding payment.
You said it were good with kids.
And it's not.
I want my money back.
April!
Avril!
[interposing voices]
JACKSON: What's going on?
MICKY: We want our money right now.
Yeah, our own money.
All of us!
[all shouting at once]
You sold her dog?
You're right, we should've talked it through.
Stole the holiday club money?
Borrowed.
And private school?
Going to behind my back with fucking private school?
You know what I think?
Where are you going?
Which way are you going, doing a runner?
- I'm not! - Avril.
Just a minute.
We need to talk!
Get off!
Surprise.
They make money round, so it--
it goes round.
See, it can't wait to fucking roll away from me.
Yeah, you know, I've had a bit of a windfall roll my way.
But, you know, at the end of the day--
fucking hate that.
What, 23.59 at the end of the day?
Look at it, eh?
Just all rolls on.
Good Lord giveth with one hand, taketh away with the other.
He's your employee, your problem.
This delivery arrangement suits me.
I'm expanding into new areas and the lad seems good at his job.
Don't rock the boat and fuck it up with your bleeding heart.
It's good business.
[knock on door]
Avril?
We have to talk about this.
We owe thousands.
Where's it all gone?
Our wages--
Your wages is pennies and mine has stopped.
Stopped?
I've been sacked.
Gross misconduct for stealing prescription pads.
No pay, no reference, no chance of getting another job.
I can't even sign on.
Why?
There were bills and rent and--
And shopping?
Instead of dealing with the bills,
you splash out on a bit of retail therapy?
Only to sell on, or presents for you,
for Letitia, to make you happy.
Open the door, sweetheart.
I'll sort this out, don't you worry.
How?
Move?
We'll move.
We've done it before, moved on when the going got tough.
We've never run away.
Only ever moved up.
Bigger houses, better areas.
Jackson, do you really think we moved here out of choice?
We can be in a new place tomorrow, start again, fresh.
Clean page, everybody happy.
We're not running away!
We're not!
We'll pay it back!
The holiday club money, all of it, somehow.
But we are going nowhere.
I said no peeking.
First one.
Nice.
Oh, yeah!
[moaning loudly]
This floor's a bit sticky, isn't it?
[neil whistling]
Morning!
Just going to rustle up some breakfast for your mum.
Enjoy!
Yeah, see you later--
Dad?
Ah!
Thought it was you.
She's been in there all night.
That stands for everything I hate, money buying privilege.
Must be nice for you, though, not
having to sneak around anymore, changing
uniforms behind my back.
It's easy to sneak around someone who always
has their head in the sand.
I know the price of stuff and where the money comes from.
You're happy with your plasma screen TV, yeah?
Vinyl, Blu-ray, holidays?
Coffee, smell it, wake up.
Mom?
Mum?
Mum!
We can't go bankrupt.
Why not?
We'd be like everyone else around here.
It's OK, doesn't bother me.
Bothers your dad.
You could call Grandpa.
I'd rather go bankrupt.
Then we'll sort it out together.
All of us, as a family.
Just a couple of shifts here and there, that's all.
Please, Chesney.
No offense or owt, but your name's mud around here.
If I give you a job, people will boycott the shop.
Sorry.
You did the right thing.
CHESNEY: Did I?
Using your business head.
I'm proud of you.
Get shot of you-know-who and his lies,
and then we can concentrate on us and the business.
[phone ringing] - Oh!
I'll get it.
All right?
Surprised you called me.
I need a driver.
It's business, that's all.
Just business?
He's on his way, 32 Shallow Bank Crescent.
KAREN: You're looking good, Mimi.
Between you and me--
KAREN: Fucking nerve!
Got any shifts going?
Go on.
MIMI: I've been trying to shift some weight, although I haven't
lost a single fucking pound.
That could be something to do with you falling in love.
Over, is it, between you and the running man?
No, but it's not love, either.
We're just having a bit of fun.
I've got some catching up to do, haven't I?
We've been acting out our fantasies.
[sound of hooves]
Is that you?
NEIL: Aye. - Did you come on your horse?
I did that.
Even know I arrived on horseback,
I certainly haven't come yet.
Me darlin'.
He didn't enjoy that one so much,
so now we concentrate on his fantasies.
Oh, yeah?
Well, go on.
I won't tell anyone.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
It's nothing compared to what you were
bragging about the other night.
It is!
And we were probably lying about half of it, anyway.
He's degrading you, Mimi.
- No. - He is.
Sorry.
Folks
Dirty bastards.
We should get someone to look after the shop
for an hour or two. - Yeah?
Yeah.
OK.
[door slams]
GORKY: Ta-da!
Yeah, I'm a free man.
I'm not banged up on a possession charge.
Why, butter wouldn't melt. Police just pulled me.
Look, though, I hid this lot somewhere else.
I thought it was a strange order.
Ten grams to one ounce is not Kerry Katona's.
Wouldn't get away with personal use, caught with that amount.
That's intent to supply.
Life!
You've been dealing?
No.
Course he has!
Do you think he cares about anything
else other than himself, other than his business?
Aw.
Think it's time we went our separate ways, sweet cheeks.
We're leaving town.
But I'll keep hold of this, though.
Call it a severance package.
You explain it to Jamie Maguire.
I'll get me bag.
No!
What do you want?
Tried the shop, The Jockey, everywhere.
You're my last chance.
We're pushed for punters as it is.
Please.
She steals from her own.
We'll be boycotted.
Her name's mud around here.
Kelly's right, lovey.
Everyone does hate you.
I know.
Change of underwear here, along with the condoms.
Use the flavored ones for oral, the mint for the ones
who refuse to wash.
Toys are in here.
Make sure you clean them after you've used them.
There's some spray in there, but you
might want to get a nail brush on them if there's
a bit of a stubborn something.
[knock on door]
Come in!
I went for an Indian!
He hadn't done owt.
I just went for him! Just joking.
But I've got us a nice little something.
I picked up a Korean, naan bread, and the works.
It's not very healthy, though, is it?
We will soon burn that off with what
I've got planned for us.
No!
We going to have a really nice, healthy meal.
Then we're going to go to bed and have normal--
very normal-- straight, vanilla, nice sex.
You're not cut out for this game.
Sorry, love.
I'd like to think that I've helped
you become a little freer.
It's helped you and all, get over the loss of your wife.
I'll never get over Tracey.
She was my life, my everything.
Last Christmas, after her third heart attack.
She was a big girl.
That's nothing compared to Michelle, my first wife.
You like the big girls, then?
I like to help women realize their true potential.
Like you, Mimi.
Samosa?
I could see you wanted to lose weight,
but you were going the wrong way.
You need to bulk up, do less, eat more.
Get up to that sexy size 34.
Get the fuck out!
I'm a feminist, Mimi!
I help women put on weight, rather than want them--
like the rest of society--
to lose it!
Lose weight or put it on, I do it for me,
not you, you weird sex little turd!
Oh, come on, Mimi!
You could be so beautiful if you just eat it, bitch.
[bell ringing]
Oh, yeah!
Oh!
MIMI: Oh! - Oh, yeah!
Ow!
I don't ever want to see you around here again, got it?
Ah!
Ah.
JACKSON: You know I grew up with nothing, warming tins of beans
up on radiators.
That's why I was trying to make a better life for you.
I was-- I was trying to make you happy.
And you have.
But I don't need things to make me happy.
I just need you.
So it's just the rest of the estate that hates me.
They won't, once we've paid them back.
How?
Bit by bit.
I've seen the head, and I'm going to do
a bit of extracurricular work.
All right, lads?
Nothing demeaning.
We'll pay the club money back first,
then start on everything else.
And yeah, we'll struggle.
But only as much as anyone else around here.
We won't starve.
And everything else, what's it matter,
so long as we're all right?
Come on.
Let's get you home.
By the way, how much you charge for oral?
Oi!
Get in, we're moving.
[TV PROGRAM PLAYING IN OTHER ROOM]
What you doing?
Jamie Maguire's fucking potty, you know.
He'll track you down and he will kill you.
Over a couple of bags of coke?
Is that why you're here, to save us from Jamie?
GORKY: He's here for the coke.
That's all you care about, isn't it?
Business?
Not interested in her, are you?
I'm the only one who cares.
Take it!
It's what you're here for, isn't it?
Now get out and don't come back.
Something else?
It's not business, it's pleasure.
I thought as much.
I've seen the way you look at her.
You're here for her, really, aren't you?
You'd love to get your hands on her, wouldn't you?
Dirty little fucker.
How much?
How much do you want for her?
100?
200?
To fuck her.
How much do you want from me so I can fuck her?
Come on, it's not the first time, eh?
Or is it?
I'll give you more if it is.
How much?
A grand.
You bring her around to my flat.
No, not your place.
Over here, somewhere safe, neutral.
You can trust me.
I'll find a shitty hotel.
Call me when you've got the money,
I'll tell you where to meet.
A grand, cash only.
Business.
BEX: Do you like that, Catshit, yeah?
[moaning]
Oh!
You frightened me to death, you fucker!
All right?
I thought we were--
Oh, give us a minute, babe.
I'm sorry, Ches, dead sorry.
I like you and that but I can't go out with a dealer.
It's not in my job description, I'm afraid.
Well, I'm not, I've sorted it.
I've given the coke back to Jamie
and I won't be dealing again, I swear it.
I'm going to save the kid, the girl.
Come with me.
Come on.
Just leave it alone, yeah?
I set something up--
They've moved off the estate now.
Just leave it alone, yeah?
It's not your problem, anyway.
You should've just let her be.
She'll be all right , anyway.
I did this for you.
Me?
I thought-- I thought you'd be chuffed, proud of me.
I thought you were special.
I am special.
No, you're not.
Well, look, I'll come and see you when I'm done here!
Don't bother.
I'm not doing it for you anymore.
[cell phone ringing]
On my way, where are you?
Hello?
Fuck!
It's all right.
I'm not going to hurt you.
There was this car.
Oh, sweetheart!
It's OK, honey.
It's OK.
I know it is.
Beyonce!
Where are you?
Beyonce!
[letitia screaming]
Look, I'm so sorry.
Her, get yourself another dog.
I have another idea.
Are you all right?
Business, love?
You dirty, curb-crawling scum!
Completely legit.
Cashed in some old jewelry, flogged a couple of things.
AVRIL (VOICEOVER): They say you shouldn't
judge books by covers.
And you shouldn't.
But people with nothing don't have to be nothing, you know.
By the same token, people with something
aren't necessarily something.
CHESNEY: Go to your mum.
Start again.
Thanks.
AVRIL (VOICEOVER): Lots of folk love
the Queen and the Royal Family.
They think they're nice.
JACKSON: It's a start.
AVRIL (VOICEOVER): They've got all
those houses, palaces, and estates,
shitloads of cash and jewels.
And yet they still hold out gloved hands for more.
And yet you can go traveling and meet some of the poorest people
on earth, and they'll tear their last piece of bread
in half to share with you.
Don't presume that someone's nice
just because they look nice.
And don't presume someone's a knobhead just because they
look like a knobhead.
Don't care about the way people look,
but care about what they do.
It's actions, not appearances.
And if you're not nice, one way or another,
somehow you will burn.
[theme music]
100 quid?
You're good, but--
That's it, I'm calling my pimp.
There's role play and there's--
Any more shit from you, motherfucker, and I'll
pop a cap in your god damn ass.
Thanks, pimp.