[music playing]
Anyone watching thinking we know
fuck all about knowing fuck all about
needs to watch their back.
So you've had your labor, reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky high, literally, literally taking
the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your condemnation liberals
noshing Tories like alter boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester.
And they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown necking mushrooms rarely
found, green and pleasant land in ancient times,
yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now!
Party!
[music playing]
FRANK (VOICEOVER): The biggest mistake
in life is to believe someone belongs to you.
I was 12 when I worked that one out.
Mum died.
I learned that love and loyalty are
only a false sense of security.
So if you have an ounce of nous, don't give yourself
away because, in the end--
whether it's outgrowing each other, falling out of love,
death--
all relationships fall apart.
LIBBY (VOICEOVER): Elizabeth, I sense
and feel your frustration, but please I implore you.
Don't give up.
Happiness to those who dream dreams
and are set to pay the cost to make them come true.
Sincerely, Martin.
Do you want a drink?
Just an orange juice.
Sub us a tenner.
Yeah, twenty will do.
Mickey.
Oi.
You're barred.
Back off.
You know he's on probation.
Yeah, well, it's his own fucking fault.
You've been clamped!
Shane's got to do Jackson's poncey community
action project as a condition of his probation.
He's on his final warning.
If he fucks this up, he'll be growing carrots
with some nonces in a cat C prison.
Leave it be-- for me.
Ground rules.
No drinks. - Right.
And you leave as soon as you're done.
Silent treatment.
Very fucking mature.
It's my colleagues and the people I deliver to.
They're all nasty.
Plus, I never see Frank.
These days we're less Cathy and Heathcliff
and more Sid and Nancy.
I'm tired when I get in.
He's out. I get early.
He's passed out.
We're not making love.
Too much information.
What's that?
Post for you.
Tits and testes?
Mimi, this is supposed to be a night
to raise awareness on the serious issue of breast
and testicular cancer.
Cancer's depressing enough as it is
without being reminded of it.
People want to have fun.
We're going to put the happy into chemother-appy.
I'm organizing this, and I want
prestige, not notoriety for my community action project.
My pub.
Yeah.
Our pub.
Bet he's loving this.
Who cares what he thinks?
I only agreed to this because the clamping
turned us into social lepers.
If people see us eat humble pie, it will win us favor,
and we'll be back in business.
Ah, Tilly's an inspiration.
Her sort's the heartbeat of this nation.
Do you know how many charities miss
out on funds because she monopolizes
all available donations?
She's an innocent.
Hey, you know, she's a mate of Rick Astley and Sonia's.
Ruthless as Rupert Murdoch.
She's demanding 40% of the money I raise for her own charity.
Whatever.
This place will be packed to the rafters.
We'll rake it in 'cause of her.
Hey.
[music playing]
How much longer do we have to humiliate ourselves for?
Permanently.
I've been picking Jackson's brains
about starting our own charity.
You what?
I'm not talking about a shifting
aid to third world shit holes.
We'll be up in the plight of the stranded expat
pensioner in Marbella or the poverty
stricken kids of Hawaii--
anything that will guarantee yours an all-year-round tan.
Kelley and Shane feed the world?
Eh, we'll pay ourselves a high wage,
so it will be first-class travel,
gold taps, whatever we want.
I'm going to register first thing tomorrow.
Give us your fucking money!
I hand him his post, and we sit on the bench
opposite his house and talk--
sometimes for hours.
We've a lot in common.
He, like me, has a condition.
We both share a passion for the art of letter writing
and a disappointment in its decline.
You'll be telling me you finish--
--off each other's sentences.
Yes, we do--
mainly because sometimes we are incapable of finishing our own.
Say cheese.
Hey, you fucking pervert.
This is research for a serious disease, Frank.
Do you think I want to spend my night touching men's balls.
You're making me sick
We decided to write and exchange
letters to keep the spirit of letter writing alive.
That's all.
Martin's a good friend.
Talking about him turned your nipples so hard you
could had at me eyes out.
It's not me you need to convince.
I've run out of gloves though.
I'm going to have to do it bare back.
You don't mind, do you?
It'll be feel I've copped for in weeks.
Knock yourself out.
Just so you know, the lump on my right breast
is just my third tit.
It's got its own nipple.
I'm a biological wonder.
Other booth, Lillian.
What?
Other booth!
Ladles and jelly spoons!
I give you Matilda Pucker!
[applause]
[music playing]
I love you all.
Thank you.
Matilda Pucker.
[applause]
Don't worry about photos.
You can take those later on.
Thank you all for you generosity so far and a special thank you
to one person in particular.
He's been my right hand man.
Mr. Shane Maguire, come on up!
[applause]
Shane's been inspired to start his own charity because of me.
How about that?
I'm sure you'll have all our support.
Shane Maguire!
Thanks everyone.
[applause]
Where do you think you're going?
Business-- not that it's got fuck all to do with you.
You've turned the family against us.
What more do you want?
That was your doing.
Tilly'll see you now.
How you doing?
You all right?
And shut the door.
Sit.
SHANE: I wondered if you would do a referee
and help get my charity registration approved.
Would you be a gent?
It's medicinal.
Our secret?
Mum said I made my first million before I was three months old.
I can make you dead popular.
So you'll do then?
Sorry.
What are you doing?
Be mine, and I'll get you what you want.
What are you talking about?
You think I'm ugly.
Come here. No, I don't.
I've never had a boyfriend.
I'm married.
I'll pay you.
Listen-- you are a kid.
You will find-- you will find someone that's your own age.
Are you saying that because of my condition?
I should only stick to basket cases.
No, I didn't mean that.
You know what people say about me?
You can get into bed with Tilly, but you don't fuck Tilly.
On the other
Oh, Jesus.
You are sick.
I'll make sure you're never approved.
Get back here!
No one says no to me!
[music playing]
You know nothing about abortion?
Like what?
Reasons to have one?
Shit, you're not.
Shut up.
I've got a debate in school tomorrow.
Got to argue for pro-choice.
I don't believe in it, except for him.
He's walking advert for abortion.
If you're having an abortion and some ethical shithead tells
you that you're a murderer, you're morally obligated to hit
them really hard in the face.
Get us another one, and I'll tell you some more.
[screaming]
TILLY: Help!
Help!
I've been robbed!
Help me!
My wheelchair's gone!
What color was it?
A red one, was it?
Terrible.
[music playing]
LIBBY (VOICEOVER): Dearest Martin, I will dare to dream.
But as for happiness--
[alarm buzzes]
--I have none.
I'd never believed familiarity could breed content until now.
This is the cost I pay.
The bubble has burst.
Fool was I to expect perfection.
That unblemished ideal exists only in happily
ever after fairy tales.
Yet, in my desperation, I have settled for happy incompatible.
Don't normally get custom for wheelchairs here.
For starters, abortion could eradicate
gays because let's face it, gays can't reproduce, can they?
So who's making all gay babies?
Think about it.
And what about the dilemma of knowing the risk of a baby
being born with a debilitating birth defect
or worse, if that baby is David Cameron.
Speaking of which, abortion should
be compulsory for ugly people.
Just imagine if Anne Widdecombe and John McCririck conceived.
The mere thought sends you reaching
for a bottle of Mother's Ruin and a knitting needle.
End of.
Yes.
Shit.
Is nothing sacred?
[music playing]
That's him there, that number two.
Scum!
[music playing]
MARTIN (VOICEOVER): Elizabeth, your words
touch me like no other.
If I am to you these places of solace,
than you are to me the roses of my garden,
the landscape of my magical kingdom,
the sugar that sweetens me.
Love, Martin.
Do you mind?
Rude bollocks! - What about you?
That's a private letter for Libby.
She met someone else?
No, it's a letter from her uncle.
They're very close.
[music playing]
You'll be off back to school now.
I've still got half an hour.
Not here, you haven't.
Take Stella for a walk.
You've nothing to be so happy about.
[burps]
See ya, chicken!
You're losing Libby.
I think to someone she's met at her job.
Of course, you're always too tanked up to notice.
Well, it took its fucking time.
What?
Dementia has finally set in.
Hallelujah.
I'm serious.
Libby's not like anyone else.
She has affairs of the mind.
You know better than anyone how she retreats
into her fictional fantasies.
God knows she took advantage of it.
Heathcliff.
She started doing it again.
Why would you give a shit?
You've done nothing but try and split us up from day one.
You can't stand it that me and Libby are genuine.
So don't give me your fucking head games.
I won't deny that, but I'm no fool.
Better the devil you know.
And if this man is superior to you, which I suspect he is,
we'll both lose her.
[music playing]
I want you to quit your job.
It's costing us more than you're bringing in.
These-- bills.
The only thing your job guarantees is that we get them.
There's no point keeping this from you.
[music playing]
They've stopped your benefits, Frank.
Oh, I know.
Yeah, they told me to get a job or lose my sick pay.
I told them to stick it.
How can I do manual labor with my back?
You selfish ass!
I can't do this!
I can't slave to make ends meet while you
piss it up against a wall!
Hang on, it's only a six-month suspension.
After that, I can make a fresh claim.
Six months!
What makes you think I'll still be here?
Trust me. Got it all covered.
Coming into little inheritance.
You're not listening.
You don't care, don't love anyone, especially me!
Yeah, I d--
Hey, you!
Tish has been threatened with suspension.
What are you telling me for?
I paid for his pint so he'd help
me with my debate at school.
But instead, he filled my head with all kinds of crap.
Well, it's not my fault she's thick as shit.
I've seen her trying to eat yogurt with a fork.
That's not because she's thick!
It's because she's too bone idle to wash a spoon, you--
you're going to Letitia's school,
and you're going to put things right.
Let's be rational here.
Jackson must know what to do.
He's a teacher.
The less he knows, the better.
It's complicated.
But the bottom line is I want what's best for my daughter.
You understand that.
You have to meet with the teacher
and save Letitia's school career by whatever means necessary.
Have a fork.
Let me put it another way.
I want you to do it, and if you love me, you will.
They say charity is a selfless act.
Load of shit.
It's like Shane.
I'm being crucified, held to ransom
my own charitable conceit.
What?
The pissing teacher's meeting at some posh girls' school.
Bastards.
Mickey, get on the phone to the solicitors.
I want Shane out the nick.
Tell him to cheat, bribe, whatever to make it happen.
You're joking.
He's dragged us down the shitter.
Because of what he's done, people won't deal with us.
We're losing business.
He's been sentenced to two weeks.
He knows a way out, but we're going to need your help.
Finally done the decent thing and owned up to stealing
in the charity money?
- No, he didn't take the money. - Well, who took then?
Thought so.
What he did was despicable, gutless, so don't come
crawling to us expecting help.
He can rot.
Kelly-- That was out of order!
If we take Shane's side over this, we're fucked.
I won't let that happen.
Oh, fuck.
Whether Letitia Powell used your work or not,
it's inexcusable.
I'm going to have to go ahead with her suspension.
I'm surprised you show such a lack of concern
for the academic future of a young girl, one
who, by all accounts, you are responsible for potentially
damaging.
I was expecting a fight on my hands.
What else can I do?
I've got plenty of kids of my own
to know they're a lost cause.
You don't strike me as the married, family sort.
Well, I'm not--
married, that is.
Except to my job.
Work in a brewery.
I'm boarded here 24/7.
I've sacrificed a lot for my dedication
to teaching and for what?
Year after year of sneering, ungrateful, pubescent bitches.
Our lives of thankless existences,
but we mustn't moan, right?
We could help each other.
Well, I'm sure you understand--
a man in your position, woman in my position.
We both have needs that our commitment
to our careers cannot fulfill.
I'll excuse Letitia in return for a spot of cunnilingus.
Licky lick equals win-win.
You're suspended.
You're not the first, you know.
She tries it on with all the dads.
It's a good job I'm not your--
you knew this was going to happen.
Libby said to help me by whatever means necessary.
Don't do it, and I'll tell everyone that you nonced me.
[music playing]
Oh, you little shits!
I'll get it washed off as soon as--
[music playing]
I'm not living here when you lot
have turned your back on Shane.
Jamie's got what he wanted.
I've let things go too far.
No more.
And I'll be fucked before I'll let anyone around here accuse
me of being a bad mother.
We want to help to clear Shane's name
and get him out of the nick.
So what's his plan?
File in a sponge cake?
Spring him out through a prison shit pipe?
[loud music playing] [cell phone ringing]
[music - jls, "beat again"]
The doctor's just finished telling me there's no time.
Losing you could be the end of me and that I--
Did you bring some white stuff as well?
I know I said it I don't do cocaine.
I just like the smell.
What's wrong?
[gasps]
But please, I've got a rare internal organ disease.
Only one in eight million have what I have.
Whatever.
Doctors can't help.
Getting off my tits is the only way
of numbing this constant ache.
Fine.
Tell everyone.
No one will believe you anyway.
Go on, get out!
Get out!
Shut it!
[gasping]
- Shit! - Wait.
Mimi!
Is she dead?
Ghetto bitch.
I've raised enough kids to know that wasn't a seizure.
It was a hissy fit.
Mickey was a bastard for them.
I have borderline epilepsy.
Get the fuck up.
You've got some work to do.
[music playing]
[sighs]
I'm not the victim in all of this.
Shane is.
People like him need love, support, educating.
That's why I'm dropping all charges
and requesting his immediate release.
Thank you.
Thanks.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Thanks, bye.
Hey, ladies.
Can you come together please?
LIBBY (VOICEOVER): Is it possible to be in love with two
people at the same time?
[music playing]
Something up?
Nothing.
You OK?
Well, did you go?
Yeah, of course, I did.
You fixed it for Letitia?
Yes!
Ravage me with your tongue, you dirty savage!
I did it for you.
Beer?
If it's not too much trouble.
Nothing's too much trouble for my mom, man.
And for proving your love, treat yourself down the Jockey later.
[burps]
Have you been eating tuna?
Yeah, it kind of lingers.
[music playing]
LIBBY: Where did you get it?
I think you're missing the shitting point here, Libby.
How's Martin? - A friend.
A friend?
"I can plug the hole in your existence."
Yeah, we can guess what fucking hole he's talking about.
Do you love him?
I love--
Then why is there a whole paragraph
dedicated to yours truly.
He calls me a cunt.
How does he know that?
Because I told him!
I told him everything, good and bad.
But I never--
I swear, Frank.
We're just pen friends.
Nothing physical happened.
Nothing!
What happens is 10 times worse than that.
You opened up.
You connected emotionally to another man.
That's what hurts the most.
Know all this, Libby.
If he feel loved you with all the power of his soul
for a whole lifetime, he couldn't love you as
much as I do in a single day.
There's an address here.
He wants to meet.
So if being with me is so unbearable
and if I'm so wicked, take the letter and go.
But remember, nothing God or Satan could
inflict what have parted us.
You, of your own will, did it.
I have not broken your heart.
You have broken it, and in breaking it,
you have broken mine.
Whatever our souls are made of,
yours and mine are the same.
And Martins is as different as a moon beam from lightning
or frost from fire.
[soft piano music playing]
Aidan.
What you doing?
Libby said things are going to be really tight for cash.
So?
We need money, and I'm doing my bit.
I'm going to take the van of burn it up for the insurance.
No one knows, so keep it zipped.
Before you go, I'll have a 99-er please.
I don't sell ice cream.
It's a library.
Let me go.
No, no, it's too dangerous for you.
Oh, come on.
It's boring around here.
[music playing]
No way.
TEACHER: Letitia Powell!
I knew it!
You didn't.
No, I found them in your ice cream van.
Your own daughter.
It wasn't me!
[music playing]
Frank lives here.
I'd like a word with Frank Gallagher.
He's not here.
Can I help you?
I doubt it.
It's a private matter concerning his lack of oral hygiene.
She's got herpes.
Excuse me.
That is another month's detention.
Not fair.
Everyone else is saying it.
Who are you?
I'm Frank's fiance.
Oh.
[phone ringing]
The Jockey.
Yeah, he's here. All right.
Keep your fucking wig on.
Frank, you're wanted at home.
I am home.
Sounded serious.
Family meal tonight.
Wear your Sunday best.
Shane's homecoming.
He's back in business.
He broke every agreement we made for his independence,
almost ruined us.
And you're taken him back like nothing ever happened
and throwing him a party.
Our blood.
He was lost, son, and now he's found.
Tilly's little statement wasn't worth shit
and didn't get people back drinking in here.
I did.
I made it clear that anyone can have a pop at Shane
with no comeback from me.
I'm not going back on that.
If he's in, I'm out.
I hate Dad.
I do.
He constantly put me and Shane down,
controlled us that much, you'd think
we came with fucking remotes.
So I was made up when you took over.
But you're a massive disappointment
because, even though he put the business before us,
he never did when it counted.
[music playing]
Cheating prick!
Aidan!
We know what you did with Letitia's teacher!
- Could you leave us? - Are you--
LIBBY: Mother!
Now!
Aidan.
Jesus.
It didn't mean anything.
I didn't want to do it.
It's that little bitch next door.
She threatened to shout, nonce!
And it was only oral.
Oral doesn't constitute as cheating.
You're not exactly whiter than white, you know?
What about that flowery, letter-writing twat, Martin?
I did it for you.
It was your fault. Any means necessary, you said.
[piano music playing]
Go on, say something.
Shout, scream, hit me, hit me, go on, anything.
If I start, I won't stop until you're dead.
This the inheritance?
I need help, Lib.
Proud people breed sad sorrows.
Don't you dare!
My Heathcliff, my savior!
I see you now, really see you like everyone else always has.
The other day, lying in bed beside you,
I reached out to stroke your head,
and my hand stopped mid-air.
The oddest urge took over.
My hand didn't want to stroke your head anymore.
It wanted to fucking punch it in!
I resisted those urges, fooled myself into living a fantasy
with you-- had to because, when it faded, all I felt
was hatred, resentment, and I didn't want to believe that.
You knew what buttons to push when it suited.
So I let you.
I know it sounds fucked, and you're not going to believe me.
But what I did I did for you.
You're a liar and a thief, and worst of all,
knowing what you've done, you gave me an ultimatum!
You or Martin.
That was unfair.
So now I know the truth.
I get to choose again, and you're going to help me.
Is it possible to be in love with two
people at the same time?
I'm not in love with the ugly teacher.
Answer the question!
Our future depends on it! - Phone for you.
Not now, Aidan!
Yeah.
No, I mean no.
I don't want to marry you, Frank.
You've taken away my chance of happiness--
twice.
I can't be with you anymore.
[music playing]
I need to get out.
Cheer up, hun.
It's just until the heat's off.
I can't see Jamie welcoming me back with open arms,
not after the was he reacted to the wheelchair business,
can you?
Your mam has the final say, and if he doesn't like it,
he knows where he can go.
Bout time he was put in his place,
and you take what is rightfully yours.
MAN: Fuck off!
Fucking knife down!
Do one, Shane!
Fuck off!
Fuck!
[music playing]
Go that way.
Fucking prick.
We've lost him.
TILLY (ON PHONE): I told you not to call.
I've got guests!
Yeah, but Tilly--
You find Shane and do him over proper.
He pays over you don't get paid.
Get me?
[cell phone ringing]
Shit.
He's here!
[music playing]
You slippery little bastard!
Fuck off!
Jamie!
You leave tonight.
Don't ever come back.
Why do you hate me so much?
All I've ever tried to do is be like you, fucking be you!
What?
[gunshot] - Ah!
Ah!
My fucking foot!
Ah!
[grunting]
Go on.
You think I won't?
You know you won't.
I know what it's like to murder somebody in cold blood.
Chemical Mitch.
Remember?
You set me up to think he'd near drowned me so I'd kill him.
What kind of a fucker does that to his own brother?
I thought it would be your own good.
I didn't plan-- you weren't supposed to kill him.
Ah!
I've been haunted by that every second since!
I hate you for it.
Well, that's only the tip of the iceberg
of what I have to live with!
[gunshot]
Stop bullshitting!
You are a psycho.
I killed again and again so you don't have to.
And every dead fucker I've put a bullet in lives in here.
I close my eyes, and I see them.
And it drives me to the edge, Shane!
And sometimes, the only thing I can think of to make it stop
is to end it all!
But then I think of Connor and Karen and you.
And that's what keeps me alive.
I don't want that for you.
I don't want that for any of you.
[banging on door]
Open the fucking door!
[banging on door]
Shane!
Where is he?
What have you done?
Oh!
[knocking on door]
Back off!
And I'll come out!
Open the fucking gate, you dickhead!
I'm trying, you slag!
Back off!
Shut the fuck up!
I deserve comeback for what I've done.
Shane!
So you get to dish out my punishment
right here, right now.
Stop this now!
And you all could be happy.
Shane, please!
Hurry up!
[gunshot]
Ah!
You fucker!
Ah! - He's my brother.
You fucking shot me!
Before you go any further, be warned.
You fuck with him, and you fuck with me!
Come on, lads.
We don't have all fucking day!
Fucking bastard!
SHANE: You all right, brother?
Fucking stupid!
[music playing]
Martin isn't real, is he?
It's funny how you both have the exact same handwriting.
He is real. He is!
Twisted bitch!
[music playing]
Go on, Mother, say it.
I told you so.
I know it's not the best time, but it was work on the phone.
The postal depot's been burnt to the ground.
What are we going to do?
[engine starts]
Hey!
What are you doing?
Frank!
Get off me!
What the fuck are you doing?
You stupid little shit!
Shit.
[explosion]
What the fuck was that?
Ah!
Mickey, my foot!
Come on, check this!
Come on, party!
[music playing]
LIBBY (VOICEOVER): The older I get,
the more I believe that some people are capable of love,
like me.
And others are incapable of love, like Frank--
For whatever reason-- fear of commitment.
the distorted view of freedom, the desire
to stay young forever.
[music playing]
Loving someone who doesn't love you
back is the most impossible situation imaginable,
especially when the love is so strong
and you're a slave to it.
So I imagined a man who did--
Twisted bitch.
LIBBY (VOICEOVER): To set me free.
And I am.
I'm choosing a different path, starting a new life, wherever
my imagination takes me.
POLICE OFFICER: It's a ice cream van,
no one believed to be in it.
Over.
Won't be needing that anyway.
None of the fuckers can read.
[music playing]
Say cheese.