[tapping]
Anyone watching thinking we know fuck
all about knowing fuck all about owt,
needs to watch their backs!
So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky-high.
Literally, literally, taking the grass from it's own root.
Now you've got your Con-Dem-Nation, Liberals
nozzing Tories like alterboys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke, or what?
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak yak yak, yak!
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now!
Party!
[moaning]
KELLY: (VOICEOVER) I had a paper round when I was a kid.
There was this one fella who I used to deliver to called Max,
last house on me round.
He told me not to be so wary of people,
strangers are just friends we haven't yet met.
I learned to take people on, not to be afraid of folk,
be a bit more trusting.
And yeah, A couple of people have let me down--
my first boyfriend, that woman who
runs the bread stall on the market, and Michael Barrymore.
But just because you meet the odd wolf in sheep's clothing,
it doesn't mean you should change the way
you think about folk, does it?
Really turning me on.
KELLY: (VOICEOVER) Take 'em as you find 'em.
And as Max would say, "suck it and see."
Ah.
I'll mark you as a seven.
Usually go a bit younger, you see.
Bigger tits, and a tighter--
Yeah, all right, I get the picture.
Maybe a six.
Shame your boss ain't a working girl.
She'd be a nine.
Lillian?
Pretty Thing big eyes, and a f--
In Lillian's absence, I'm the boss.
Who fucking says so?
Lillian.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Right. I'm off.
Trixie can't service this lot on her own.
You'll have to get stuck in there, won't you?
If you walk out of that door, you won't ever be allowed back.
I mean it.
You're sacked.
You can't sack me.
No?
No.
I was going to work for the council,
but I wanted to spend less time on paperwork,
and more time on the actual job, you know.
Custard cream?
My favourite.
Take two.
Oh, I couldn't.
A moment on the lips--
A lifetime on the hips.
Exactly.
[laughing]
Three piles of dog mess, I was hoping for much more.
The MP won't take three seriously.
Mum this is Jenny.
Jenny Taylor.
Jenny's going to be your carer.
Remember you said we could do with a bit of help?
I said no such thing.
No wonder so many elderly people lose their marbles.
Alone all day, no company except the television.
Antiques here, antiques there, auction this, cash that.
It's rubbish.
Oh, finally a bit of food.
I've had nothing to eat but dust and air.
And then you bring me this?
A bowl of disdain, served up on a tray of neglect.
I work, I have a job now mother.
You've bitten off more than you can chew.
You can't look after me and hold down a job.
I meant you should stop working.
- Should I just-- - No, no.
Yes.
She staying.
She's not.
- She is. - She isn't.
- Is
- Is. - Isn't.
Is.
[MUSIC - THE TEMPTATIONS, "JUST MY IMAGINATION"]
Well, it was just my imagination,
running away with me.
I've been chasing you for ages.
Why, is your phone broke?
Must be, seeing as I get about a dozen texts a day off you.
Oh yeah?
Sorry about that.
I-- - So go on.
What do you want this time?
I was wondering if you--
if you um-- a hammer?
If you've got a hammer, I mean, that I can borrow
to put a picture up in my room?
I'm putting a picture up.
I'll pop round as soon as I get a chance.
A hammer?
Sorry I missed your call, I've been
a bit tied up with my stalker.
Sita, is everything OK?
Chesney's out.
Right.
You OK?
I am now.
[music playing]
Kelly love, Bonnie's told me about--
Bet she didn't tell you everything.
Swanning around, saying she's the boss and that.
She is.
When I'm not there, she is.
I know you two's got a few differences,
but I'd like you to get along.
She's sacked.
You can't sack me.
- I can do what the fuck I like. - Stop it!
The pair of you.
You can't breeze and out of work whenever the mood takes you.
And You can't sack anybody unless you've
talked to me first.
You're letting her come back?
She's a popular girl.
Bonnie!
Shane, get Lillian a drink.
[moaning]
Marry me.
Did you find everything you were after today?
Not everything, no.
Well, if we haven't got what you want,
you should try somewhere else.
You all right, mate?
What's the matter with him?
Search me.
You weren't worried about me, were you?
I've had a couple drinks with Kelly.
Thanks for waiting up for me though, Lovey, it's--
changing the locks?
Thank you sweetheart, you can go and see Trixie
now, she'll sort you out, yeah?
You can't be too careful, not round here.
Especially with all that work we've had and lights, it's--
let me in, you daft ha'peth!
- Go away. - Pardon?
Go away!
Piss off out of it! Fuck off!
Good morning!
Now, I don't know how much assistance you need.
From you?
None.
Well, I thought I'd gently ease
my way into your morning routine by making
a lovely bowl of porridge.
I hate porridge.
My mother used to love her porridge of a morning.
I am not your mother.
No.
Anyhoo, give it a whirl. it's a bit of a speciality of mine.
Oh!
It's too salty.
That's too sweet.
Just right?
Yes!
Thanks for taking me in last night, love.
We weren't gonna leave you out here, were we?
[snoring]
Love you mummy.
Right, remember what I said.
We've no idea what she will do, so be on your guard.
[knocking]
All right, all right.
Hiya, everyone. Come on in.
What the fuck?
Still whiffs a bit, but what do you reckon?
- Classy. - Mint.
Tacky.
It's the kindest thing anyone's ever done, thank you.
Did you have a nice time at the hotel, Lills?
Hotel?
Yeah, I booked her in.
She couldn't have stayed here last night,
there were builders all over the place.
What have you done with all the stuff?
Photos, ornaments.
I know it's not up to much at the mo,
but when Lills puts all her little piccies up and that,
it will be dead homely.
And this?
So she doesn't have to go down to the kitchen
to cook her meals.
Is she going to shit in a bucket and all?
This is Lilian's house, and you can't--
It's not.
It's Bonnie's house now.
I signed it over to her, in case I have to go into a care home.
You don't need to go into a care home.
Not yet.
She's my daughter, see.
Not by blood, I've adopted her.
I'm officially Bonnie Tyler.
Turn around, bright eyes.
Twat.
Fuck this.
Dickhead.
Why have you done this?
After everything we--
I've looked after you, protected, helped.
Why do this?
I need someone.
You've got me.
And I don't want naught in return.
You've got me.
You've got your own life, love.
Bonnie and me haven't.
What would you like to do today?
What do you propose?
Well, one of the high number channels
has a Last of the Summer Wine marathon.
No.
The History Channel, for wartime?
No.
TV bingo.
No.
Oh!
Concentrate on what you're doing, will you?
Sorry
I've had a bellyful of what this house has to offer.
I want to get out and about, and see the world.
Tatton Park, trip out to Fleetwood, the theatre.
We Will Rock You must be on somewhere.
[music playing]
Jackson!
Carl!
Jackson!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put your lights out!
What the fuck?
Letitia's a child!
My child! Stay away!
Listen, I'm not--
Texting each other every five minutes?
That's her!
Not me.
She's been following me around and--
look, she's been sending me stuff like this, all the time,
right?
And I don't know what to do.
I've been trying to put her off and that,
but she won't take no for an answer.
Here.
I'm sorry.
I'll kill her.
Jackson!
You can't go in with all guns blazing.
Like you said, she's a child.
We could mess her up forever if we
don't deal with this properly.
Make her fall out of love with you.
Doing it nicely.
Break her heart and I'll kill you.
I mean it.
She's a sensitive soul, takes after me.
[laughing]
I am.
Still scarred by this girl dumping me when I was 14.
Tracy Russell?
Yeah, Tracy Russell.
Tracy fucking Russell?
What was that for?
I wouldn't mind, but she was minging.
Ah!
That That's a good flash, that.
I don't think I was smiling.
Do you want to take another?
No, it's perfect.
I'll upload it later.
Upload it?
To the website.
It pays to advertise, you see.
With a picture of me?
I'm expanding the business, Lills.
Granny fucks, Wayne Rooney specials.
You can't do that.
I just run things, I don't do things.
I just run things.
Not anymore.
I won't be able to, you know. The mechanics.
Like riding a bike.
But I don't want to, I don't like it.
Never have, truth be told.
New house rules, you suck off, or you fuck off,
same for everyone.
Really strong air freshener, to get rid
of the stench of old people.
I thought we were going out.
We are out.
- I love you. - Shh!
I don't care who hears.
I do.
I want us to be together, right?
There is no us, Carl.
No, there fucking isn't.
She's not just another fuck.
I swear, I love her, I fucking love her.
Then you're fucked.
You heard of honor killings?
Don't be daft.
You don't know her family, mate.
At the very least, they'll cut her out.
She won't have anyone, or--
She'll have me.
It's all down to your faith.
She could never be with someone who wasn't a Muslim.
I'll convert, then.
I mean it, I'll do whatever it takes.
I'll convert.
It's not just about dressing up.
To be a good Muslim, you have to have a pure heart,
live a good life.
Yeah, I know.
And I will.
You've been dealing in stolen cars.
And you've been driving them.
[phone beeping]
Your admirer again?
You need to sort that out.
I want to sort this first.
I know we've got something.
The way we were yesterday, I know you felt it too.
And I'm sorry for asking you to marry me.
Maybe we should take our time.
No!
I'm getting married already, I'm going to Pakistan.
It's set and everything, sorry.
When a man and a woman love each other.
But what about when a man loves a man, and a woman
loves a woman?
That's different.
How?
Let's just stick to the matter in hand.
Go on, then.
When a man and a woman love each other--
You're not going to say a special kiss, or a special hug,
are you?
No.
Of course not.
The sperm swims.
It can swim.
Yeah.
Continue.
It swims to the egg.
How does it get there?
I mean, I get the egg bit, yeah.
But the sperm, how does that get there?
Um, um, uh, Avril?
Collectibles in Your Cellar's on in a few minutes.
[clears throat]
They're mine.
The chocolates, they're mine.
Oh.
You know, I don't think this is working out, me and you.
I don't go anywhere, do anything.
It's the same as it was before, but with less chocolates.
I think would be best if you moved on.
You can't ask me to move on.
Well, you can ask me, but it won't make any difference.
I'm employed by your daughter.
You have absolutely no say in the matter.
As well as the makeover, and the installation of the CCTV
system to make your working environment safer and happier,
Bruno here will be on hand 24/7.
A pimp?
His title is Leisure and Recreation Manager.
A pimp.
Bruno will also ensure that your payments
are present and correct.
Never had trouble before.
Not just from the punters, but also from the girls.
This refurbishment costs.
This is payback time.
House cuts will rise to 70%.
Fuck off.
You'll be no worse off.
There's more customers coming through the door already.
It's a little knocking shop, not the fucking Chicken Ranch.
Bruno will also be collecting 200 a week
rent money from all of you.
Taxi drivers rent their cars, hairdressers hire their chairs,
you ladies will be renting your beds.
No way!
Feel free to leave any time you want.
I am doing.
You're all free to ply your trade
with the other ten quid a threw crackhead girls on the streets.
Because I'd ensure no other parlour in Manchester
would take any of you.
[yelling]
Wake up, you fucking tramp.
Oh, fuck.
What, you slept here?
I must have, yeah.
You're turning into your dad.
The police have been round.
They wanted a word with Sita about that stolen car shit.
Apparently she was IDed.
Could it get any worse?
Had a word with Letitia Yet?
Yeah, I'm on it.
Liar!
Go easy, won't you?
Will do.
No you won't.
You'll stick your head in the sun like you always do.
Yeah, and what's it got to do with you?
I thought you was trying to be a good Muslim and that?
What's the point?
Sita's going in, isn't she?
Fucking arranged marriage bollocks.
Well, sort yourself out, Letitia, and the police.
Leave the arranged marriage to me.
Oh good, I was worried I might have missed you.
Would you take a look at that.
It's all the fresh air, I think.
We've had a trip out, to that woodland trail
on the other side of the estate, Mere Bottom?
Oh, you don't know it?
Oh, it's lovely, I'll take you there.
Get a nice picnic together, and--
what?
It's nothing.
Oh come on, you can tell me.
It's just, mum was complaining earlier
that she never goes anywhere.
Clearly she spoke too soon.
It is quite common for a caree to be upset with the carer,
especially in the early days.
They have expectations which can sometimes be unrealistic.
But not in your mother's case.
There'll be plenty of trips out, don't you worry.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
She's your mom, and you want the best for her.
And you can talk to me about anything, you know.
Not just in my capacity as a carer, but also as a friend.
We prefer groups to book ahead.
A little bird told what you're up to.
A little bottle-blonde bird?
It's time you were fucking off.
Give us the keys.
Keys!
It's all right, it's all right, Bruno.
Don't fuck me about, cuntstick.
I can make you disappear for good.
You'd kill me.
Nothing would give me greater pleasure.
Well, if you do that, then the tape of your little threat
will be in police hands before my body's cold.
Got it?
I like to think I'm fair, and I respect you
as a fellow businesswoman, so I'm going to
up your protection fee to let's say, 20%?
Plenty of other firms will take it if you don't.
Shane?
Maguire business.
Not Shane and Kelly business.
Oof.
Libby?
Shh.
It's really early.
I'm off to work.
No, don't go.
Just go back to sleep.
I think Jenny will be here later, take you out again.
She's not kind.
Just go back to sleep.
I think she's drugging me.
See you later.
Don't go, please.
If you need anything, ask Bruno.
He'll report back to me on a weekly basis.
I don't need anything, I just need you.
Bonnie, love, you're upsetting me,
and you're upsetting the girls.
And you're wrecking people's lives.
Oh, don't be so dramatic!
It's business.
Cut away dead wood, highlight the assets,
maximize profitability.
What about us?
See you?
That yours?
- Duh! - Is it?
Yes!
Well, if you're so well off, why are
you taking everything off me?
I haven't taken, Lillian, you've given.
You all right?
No, but I will be.
Ah!
Ooh, ooh.
Me leg!
I think I've pulled my G string.
Come on.
Put your arm round.
Had to slip into something a little more cooler.
Think something's wrong with central heat,
it keeps on playing up.
Brought you a drink, too.
So where's this thing you want me to put up?
Oh, that.
Oh, I managed it, ta.
[music playing]
Sorry, I tripped or something.
Let me dry it for you.
It's all right, it's all right.
No, come on.
Leave it!
It's a bit embarrassing.
I've got this skin thing, like excema, but worse.
It's flaky, comes off in sheets, and it's contagious.
I'm not bothered, Carl.
I am!
My mum and dad are out.
So who's this ugly lot then, JLS?
Jay-Z, Tupac, Snoop.
Oh, right.
You don't like all that shit, do you?
Shit?
Yeah, rap, it's music for middle class white kids,
isn't it?
They're the only ones daft enough to listen to all
the pretend gangster bollocks.
How do you know if your kid's got a nut allergy?
I don't know, just give him one I suppose,
and see what happens.
Give us a pack of dry roasted, will you?
She's a bit young, isn't she?
Salted then.
Might go up to Mere Bottom again.
Lovely.
Thanks, Libby.
Look who I bumped into.
Hiya.
That's me done.
Oh, could I have an orange juice, please, and--
Pint.
I could have one myself, little post-work tipple.
It's not as if I have to rush back and attend to mother,
is it?
So you're Patty's carer, are you?
Yeah.
Must be nice, having her there to help.
I can't fault you, honestly I can't.
My grandad lived with us for years when I was a kid.
He was losing his marbles, fucking torture.
Don't get me wrong, loved him to bits, like you and your ma.
But it takes over your life, doesn't it?
It completely takes over.
It was a blessing when he eventually
pegged it, know what I mean?
[music playing]
Parents, eh?
Can't live with them--
And you can't kill them.
[laughing]
Yeah.
Yvonne Karib.
She's there somewhere.
It's me mum.
Sorry, is there anyone there who understands English?
In It's Pakistan.
Carl told me everything.
See if we can get the arranged marriage called off.
I thought you wanted rid of me.
Carl doesn't.
It's got fuck all to do with Carl.
What's going on?
There is no arranged marriage.
I made it up.
Why?
I'm a good Muslim girl studying to be a doctor,
and he's--
He's not good enough for you.
If you think you're better than him, you're wrong.
He's getting me involved in all kinds of shit.
Oh, boo hoo.
The fucking police.
I mean, how many junior doctors do you
know with a criminal record?
So I'm going to Pakistan, but just for the summer.
When I come back, I'll tell him I'm married,
and then he'll have to leave me alone.
If you go, you go for good.
I went to the cop shop.
And?
Told them it was me.
Did they believe you?
Not until I told them my name.
Reckon I might get a caution, maybe community service.
But the main thing is, you're off the hook.
Saw Letitia.
[crying]
He just wasn't the person that I thought he was.
They never are, love.
In a good way.
And I proved that I can lead a pure life, like a good Muslim.
I've even quit my job with the Maguires.
I don't feel the same as you.
We had a laugh, but it's time to move on now.
Move on, grow up.
No, no.
I need to finish packing.
Sita.
You're nothing special, you know?
Just some chavvy lad with a hard-on.
Go on, fuck off.
Home alone!
Hello, hello!
Sorry I'm a bit late.
I picked up a bit of shopping.
Patricia?
Where are you?
In here.
Isn't Aidan a bit old for marbles?
You ought to be careful, leaving these lying around,
someone could have an accident.
[buzzing]
[music playing]
Ahh!
Mum!
I've brought you back some chips for your lunchish tea brunch.
I know you probably won't want them.
But if I hadn't got you any, you'd just have pinched mine.
This ropes too tight!
I know you're not going to run away,
but I don't want you falling and hurting yourself.
Not yet, anyway.
The hurting comes later.
[moaning]
That's it.
Good girl, yes, good girl.
Medicine time for Jenny, too.
Ooh.
I always wanted to go camping.
Never could, though.
Do you know why?
My parents were sick.
All my life, I've been smothered, confined,
held back by sick, old people.
Daddy fell ill shortly after I was born.
I wasn't allowed to do anything.
No chocolates and television for Jenny,
for fear of disturbing Daddy, .
He lay on a bed in our front room
dying throughout my entire childhood.
And the smell, oh my.
Daddy eventually died when I was about to leave school.
I decided on a career in medicine.
Then Mummy fell ill.
I had to look after Mummy, nurse her until she died.
And when she did eventually die, after many, many, many, many
years of sickness, I was free.
[crying]
Libby needs her freedom, too.
Do you understand?
Yeah, like a collateralized debt obligation, you know?
A junior tranche will of the main default risk.
So yeah, you'll have to offer them up.
[knocking]
Holy fuck!
It's a bit parky up here, cock.
Can you let us in?
How did you get up here?
Window cleaner.
Have we met before?
You think there's a big conspiracy?
A revenge thing?
Like you killed my sister?
No, Lillian, we haven't met before.
Are you sure?
Name one place in the world you've been I
would have wanted to visit?
Lytham St. Annes?
It doesn't make sense.
If you're so successful, why pick on Chatsworth, and on me?
You're a casualty of business, that's all.
There were dozens before you, there'll be dozens after.
Is there any way we could get back to where we were before.
Before we met?
No, I mean, Kelly and the girls are really upset,
and I'd like to make it all right with them.
But at the same time, I don't want to lose you.
You still want some kind of relationship?
A mother's love is unconditional.
Maybe you should move on, then.
Find somebody your own age.
Some brain-dead lad who smells of yoghurt,
and has pictures of Shakira all over his bedroom walls?
No, ta.
[music playing]
Yeah.
No.
AN if Carl Gallagher thinks this is over,
he's got another thing coming.
This is just the beginning.
All right.
Time I was heading home, see how my bidding's going on Ebay.
Charles and Diana Royal Wedding china
mug, starting big a pound.
Can you believe that?
Ah. I'm frightened.
And I'm not?
I've got to walk back on my own.
I-- I'm too young to die.
Hardly.
I haven't said my goodbyes.
To who?
My daughter!
Only thing I have.
Don't pretend you love her now.
But I do! [cackling]
You won't get very far with flat tires!
LIBBY: Mum!
Mum!
Libby!
Oh, oh.
She should be home, not out here in the cold!
She's drugging me!
You and me, we're like Thelma and Louise.
I hate to see you suffer, Libby.
I don't want you to go through what I had to go through.
It's not fair.
What are you saying?
We'll leave her!
Here?
It won't be murder, or even assisted suicide.
It'll be natural causes, exposure.
She my mum!
She's a burden on us both.
Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore.
You're sacked!
No, no I'm--
I'm your friend.
You're not, you're really not.
Come on, Mum, let's get you out of here.
Look out!
[screaming]
You can't be serious.
Time to say goodbye!
[yelling]
[grunting]
Sorry Mummy.
I'm not your Mummy!
[crying]
I love you, Mum!
Be careful.
My new coat!
Now come on, now.
Get me home.
[crying]
The other week I went out with my friend
to celebrate my birthday.
my 17th.
We had dinner in this restaurant,
drank champagne, and ended up in bed back
in this really zsuzsi hotel.
That was my first time, the first time I had sex.
Sex that I wanted.
I'd done it before, but never wanted to.
I was forced to, to make money.
Men, all queuing up to fuck me, fuck every part of me,
and film me.
Group sex, one-on-one, humiliation, domination,
it's all the internet for everyone to see.
And I did it all, all from being ten.
Ten years old, I was put on the game, by my mum.
Not stepmother, my actual, unconditional loving mother.
I'd prefer cup of tea.
This is 200 quid a throw stuff, this.
Why would anyone want to spend 200 pound on a drink?
And what's all this?
This place, your car.
Why would anyone want all this stuff?
Wouldn't you?
Oh now, I'd be awake half the night wondering
if it was safe and that.
There's more important things in life than stuff.
Like?
Us.
There is no us.
There isn't.
I saw your face that day when I adopted you,
and you took my name.
I can't believe that's it.
You You're a bit too hold for a formal adoption,
but a legal name change, that's a step in the right direction.
Welcome to the family, Bonnie Tyler.
Thanks, Mum.
It was all bollocks, Lillian, part of the plan.
I didn't give two shits.
The best actresses in the world
are Farrah Fawcett, Mary Streep, Barbara Knox--
they couldn't look like you did that day.
That wasn't fake.
I looked into your eyes and we were both a bit teary.
Hay fever.
I saw what I saw, and I know what you thought.
And that look that you had, that was real.
[music playing]
One last thing.
[groaning]
[grunting]
I used to want things, then I realized
that stuff isn't important.
True happiness is what lies inside yourself.
This might sound a bit daft, but I've met a lot people, and out
of everyone in this world, or in the previous life,
you are the only person that reminds me of myself.
You and me are the same person.
What the fuck are you on about?
Me and my mum, and you and yours.
The only difference is, yours loved you.
Did she, fuck?
She stayed with you.
Mine didn't, she left me on the doorstep.
Your mum must have loved you, she kept you.
Now, I'm not like my mum, I won't walk out on you.
You've got me for life, and there's nothing
you can do to separate us.
I love you.
And you don't have to say anything back, it's OK.
Silence speaks volumes.
There's nothing I want from you, although the keys would be
nice, and things to get back to where they
were with Kelly and the girls.
I won't put any pressure on you, I won't be coming round.
I'll just wait for you to come to me,
and you'll always be welcome, darling.
[crying]
[music playing]
Bye sweetheart, love you.
LILLIAN: (VOICEOVER) Kids can be horrible to their mum.
Little kids, you know.
You see them shouting, throwing tantrums,
even hitting their mums.
Nobody else on Earth puts up with that.
If you'd behave like that with anyone else,
you'd fetch up with no friends, no boyfriend,
but you'd always have a mum.
Mums make you soup when you're poorly, tuck you
into bed at the end of the day.
And someone to give you a hug when
you've had your heart broken.
There's no one else who'll do that for you, 'cept your mum.
If you're lucky enough to have one, that is.
I never had one, me.
I made me own soup, tucked myself
in, and looked after myself.
It can harden you, that, make you tough, cold-hearted, or it
you can make you care.
Make you want to look after someone else, someone
less fortunate than yourself.
Make you into a mum.
[theme song playing]
Ba ba da ba.
Ba ba da ba da ba.
Ba ba da ba.
Ba ba da ba da ba.
Ba ba da da.
Ba ba da ba da ba.
Ba ba da ba da ba ba da ba ba ba da ba ba da ba ba ba.
The team won the game and the cup,
and they all lived happily every after.
Now, go on, boys, line up while Grandma gets ready.