Anyone watching thinking we know
fuck all about knowing fuck all about
needs to watch their back.
So you've had your labor, reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky high, literally, literally.
Taking the glass from its own roots.
Now you've got your ConDemNation.
Liberals noshing tories is like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester.
And they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown making mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Fucking.
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak It's not there's
any more.
This is our England now.
Party.
[theme song]
[alarm clock rings]
MICKEY (VOICEOVER): I blame all those fat,
short haired, hairy bins who took a match to their bras
in the '60s.
It's them feminists who've got a funk for the way society
looks down on anyone who stays at home looking
after their house and kids.
People just don't see our true value.
We work 24 hours a day, seven days a week
for no pay or holidays.
What we do isn't seen as work.
You're only valued if actual bringing in money.
Don't even get so much as a thank you.
Cheers mate.
I just wish those muddy assed lezzes had kept their saggy,
old tits in their double D's.
You want to get to bed a bit earlier?
Early
Morning.
You know, I'll come back.
Now you won't.
Sit your ass down.
You had breakfast?
Just some toast?
Bung a few eggs in the pan for Carl.
So what've got on today?
I need you to pull in all outstanding debts.
Cash flow problem.
And shift that lot.
And you're going to help.
I need you back in the realms now
Shane's doing his own thing.
Your little holidays over.
It's time you started pulling your weight again.
And what about Cilla?
She sleeps most of the time, you'll be fine.
There you go.
And for you.
No.
They are full of salt.
Thought you were having your hair done.
She's off sick.
What the hell are you doing in my dress?
Just giving it an airing.
Besides, you have no need for it any longer.
What do you mean?
He's not exactly rushing to set a new date.
I reckon he's just stringing you along.
Just take it off.
And you need to stop this ridiculous daydreaming.
It's no daydream.
You think I'm going to spend the rest
of my days sleeping in the corner of a bloody living room?
And just what exactly do you think you're
going to bag yourself a iman?
Hello, South Manchester Creditors.
We're listening.
Have a problem?
You can ring us anytime, bye bye.
Yes, pressure-co.
GIRL (ON PHONE): It'll be my second baby.
And how old are you?
GIRL (ON PHONE): I'm 18 next week.
Hello
WOMAN (ON PHONE): Hello?
I don't think I can carry on.
MAN (ON PHONE): Aye, and I'll be 60 next week.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.
Why don't we meet up and you can tell me more about it?
It's always better to talk about your problems face
to face.
Oh, I live near there.
Why don't we continue this conversation over a cuppa?
Where's Where's tea?
I'll do it when I've finished reading this.
You're three weeks behind on your payments.
I know you're in there, I can hear your telly.
Shit.
Get here, you.
I'll get you.
[baby coos]
You see, what you should do is go from happy hour
to happy day.
Are we getting married?
Well, Libby love, everyone got pissed.
There was a fight.
It's as good as a wedding.
But we weren't blessed.
I've been blessed twice before.
It really doesn't help.
Well, it's not gonna make any difference is it?
I already see you as me missus.
Karen, can I have another pint?
What do--
You serious?
That's all you took?
Well, it-- it's been a bit difficult,
you know, with Cilla and that.
When your dad was inside, I ran the business
and looked after the lot of you when you were kids.
You stuck us in the library all day.
Yeah.
Can't survive on what we've got coming in.
Sort it.
I am.
I'm trying to think of ways that I can earn money and be at home
with Cilla at the same time.
But--
What are you doing?
LILLIAN: I've really opened my eyes
to the wonder of the interweb.
We're branching out.
Selling worn knickers.
That bleeding stinks.
How do you get it to smell like actual piss.
It is actual piss.
I had to go and buy this, because I
kept missing the bloody hole.
Do you know what?
I could do making a few bob off the internet?
You want to get into kids things.
Seem to really sell well.
Sex.
Now, that's something that you'll always earn money from.
And credit cards.
Find a way of getting older people's details
and you're onto a winner.
That thing can come down.
What?
You said I'd have blood on my hands on my hands
if I didn't put it up.
Make you mind up.
I've handed him my notice.
Waste of bloody time.
Not been as fulfilling as you'd hoped?
Could say that.
Maybe I've been a little hasty.
Put it back.
You haven't paid for that.
What the fuck you doing?
You're no better than a rapist,
encouraging men to objectify women.
Here, here.
What's your problem?
Some little scrote's been mouthing off, going
on at me to show him my tits.
Well, he can get in the queue.
Might've guessed you'd be supportive and understanding.
Well, you can't just shove them out whenever it suits you.
What?
You're always giving blokes a come
on when you're after something.
No, I'm not.
So do I get any discount?
That's just me being friendly.
MICKY: I'm looking for investment
in my internet venture.
In return, I'm prepared to offer 10% equity in the new business.
The type of groundbreaking website I'm proposing
has very low expenditure for extremely high returns.
It has the potential to produce a constant revenue stream.
And I project gross profits of 200,000 pounds
over a three year period.
So onto our target market.
Kiddie fiddlers.
I propose to launch a child porn website that won't actually
contain any sick pictures.
The home page will lure our consumer
to subscribe to what they think will be jack off heaven.
But while they're waiting for the site to download,
we'll be ripping the credit card details.
And by the time they've discovered it's a scam,
we'll have run up the largest bill
that the nonces have ever seen.
And we'll actually be doing society
a favor, because the website will act as a deterrent,
you know, make him nervous about subscribing
to any other pervy sites.
Any questions?
Yeah.
Just one major problem.
You forgot to mention it's totally illegal
and you could get sent down if someone grassed.
Who's gonna admit they've joined a child porn website?
I'm in.
Loosen your tie a bit more.
He could do with looking younger.
Right.
Right, get up there.
What are you doing?
Don't worry.
You'll be able to afford 20 new pairs.
Finished.
I now pronounce this website open for business.
Yes.
- What's going on? - We're going live.
Come and look.
Come on.
Should've stuck a bag on his head.
Sod this.
I'm off to bed.
Yes.
You mean, there's a perv there now at the other end?
I'm gonna find you and blow your balls off, you sick
fucker!
Quick, transfer the money into our account.
What are we gonna buy?
Book us a weekend out of county.
Fucking hell.
What are you trying to do to me, woman?
Oh.
Must've bobbed off.
What the hell are you doing in that box?
PATTY: Checking what size it is?
I'm flogging them.
Earn 50 quid for every one a shift.
How the hell are you're gonna find enough people
on the cusp of death.
[phone ringing]
What? What?
Give it.
Go on.
you bastard.
The helpline are diverting calls here.
I don't want to lose any business.
Hello there, Julie.
Yeah.
I am sorry to hear your husband.
I expect you're thinking of following
him to the other side.
We can flog all this lot and I've
transferred a stack of money.
Become a right little Richard Branson, hasn't he?
Nice one, Micky.
It needs to be manned 24/7 though.
So I've drawn up a little rota.
No way.
I've got school.
Well, do you want to miss out on any business?
I thought we could set up a few more sites.
Stick this on.
I'll take some pics.
We can do this one next.
No way.
There you are.
Not forgetting you.
What's this?
Your cut.
You taking me for a mug?
What's your problem?
I want the same as yous lot.
Well, you're not a McGuire.
But it's my photos that have been pulling them in.
Yeah, but it was my idea in the first place.
Well, find someone else to stick this on.
Fine.
You're sacked.
You can't sack me.
I'm a business partner.
Employee.
Probably for the best.
Getting a bit too old for this game.
Why don't you take a picture, knobheads?
The youth of today.
So charming.
What?
Is our little prick still gobbing off?
No.
It's all sorted.
Do you fancy walking me to the bus?
Yeah.
Sure.
Do you to go out one night?
Just you and me. - Yeah.
Sure.
When you free?
What?
To go out?
Out where?
Who's he?
He's not the one who's been mouthing off is it.
Looks about 10.
Why you making such a big deal about it?
That's why you wanted me too walk you.
Carl.
Hey, love.
Show us your tits.
Oh, there you are.
Can you lend us--
Got them for our honeymoon.
Well, let's come on then.
Like what you see?
And I can make these go faster than helicopter blades.
Well, you gonna stick them on or what?
On our wedding night or your funeral, whichever comes first.
Oh, come on, Libby.
You can't do this to a man.
You know what you've got to do.
What are you looking for?
This.
Just got to knock one out.
Why don't you try that one, the solid walnut?
If you don't want your family to know
you've ended up a penniless alcoholic.
[phone ringing]
South Manchester Befrienders.
Can't we stick her on powder?
This contraption's ripping the bleeding nipples off me.
No.
It's been proven, kids raised on breast milk
are higher achievers.
Still raking it in?
No one's subscribed for ages now.
Pervs must be tipping each other off.
[knocking]
Hi.
I'm really--
I'm sorry to bother your, Micky, but you're me last resort.
I'm really desperate.
Would you be a gentleman and loan me the use of your TV
and lounge for five minutes?
Actually, probably only need about two.
I won't leave a mess.
Yeah, yeah.
Just passing that knob I was telling you about.
Telling him what?
That we're about to take you to the cleaners.
Laters.
Set up a website with my mates from school.
Pictures of there of all of us.
They can't get enough of it.
Yeah, yeah.
World's gone bloody mad.
Never thought I'd live to see the day a pair of puffs
can mince down the aisle together.
PATTY (ON PHONE): They've no shame.
I've heard they even use penis-shaped confetti.
TREVOR (ON PHONE): Better off out of it.
Time to shift on to the next life.
Let's hope that place isn't taken over by bloody Poles.
So you're contemplating suicide?
No.
In the middle of actually doing it.
Well, have you ever given your funeral any thought?
You must be, Trevor.
Oh, well, I didn't realize you were a cripple
or whatever word it is I'm meant to use these days.
Cripple's fine.
Political correctness has been this country's downfall.
A woman after me own heart.
Just had a three mile bus journey.
Sat next to some window licker.
I don't know why we did away with asylums.
My thoughts exactly.
Used to to be cracking day out.
Would you like to try the pine first?
Stylish, yet affordable.
Shoes.
Oh.
How does it feel?
The linings making me itch.
You'll be dead, you daft booger.
Which is the most expensive?
Unless that thieving government get of
mine when I'm gone, the better.
That'll be the mahogany.
So live here alone?
No.
Share with my daughter and the rabble
she got herself involved with.
So no husband.
God, no.
Ah.
Once bitten.
Which one would you like to be buried in?
I guess the mahogany.
Oozes class.
Then, the mahogany it it.
We must celebrate.
Where's the stepladders?
Oh my god.
No way. Look.
Here's when of me in Blackpool.
Who'd've thought you grow up to be such a hunk.
Oh.
Check out our Jamie with his dodgy hair.
Perfect.
Give it here.
Those pubic hair dodgers won't be able to resist you.
Whose idea was that?
Mine.
Fucking genius.
No, you don't.
PATTY: Trevor.
TREVOR: I assumed he was a burglar.
See why I don't want my daughter to marry him?
He needs a bloody good haircut.
Scruffy bugger.
What's She doing with him?
Scared of being alone.
Aren't we all?
I suppose.
If you got the opportunity to be with someone,
you should grab it with both hands.
We're supposed to be celebrating your purchase.
Thank you.
Here's to me, six feet under.
It hasn't stopped. They're mad for us.
Well, it's obviously me that's pulling them in, isn't it?
Look.
I'm cute as fuck.
No. No.
I reckon it's me they're after.
I mean, who could resist that little smile?
I'm getting trading standards into you.
Do you mind knocking?
Those photos are ancient.
You're a load of fat cunts now.
I am not fat.
You nicked all my business.
And?
Bollocks.
Morning.
Couldn't wait to see you.
How-- how did you get in?
Kitchen window was open.
How long have you been there?
Since three.
Couldn't sleep.
Fancy a morning out?
We--
[MUSIC - "RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD"]
So nice to have someone to do things with.
Usually, I have to bride--
bribe people to push me places.
We're a long time dead.
We should be living life to the full, taking risks.
There's no need for either of us ever to be lonely again.
Would you do me the honor of dying with me?
What?
A suicide pact.
It's perfect.
If we let nature take its course, one of us
will be left on this Earth alone,
for months, maybe even years.
Killing ourselves at the same time
guarantees we leave exactly the same time.
I'm not ready to die.
Oh, I don't mean now.
We'll get married first.
You want to marry me?
Well, of course.
Do you want to marry me?
Yes.
Good.
I've been in touch with the registry office.
They've got a cancellation, this afternoon.
This afternoon?
Listen-- isn't it a bit quick.
Why delay something that's inevitable?
I knew I wanted you to be my wife
the moment I set eyes on you.
Hi, you.
Show us your tits.
Didn't know it was Halloween.
It's to stop guys just seeing me as an instrument
for their sexual pleasure.
It's working.
What's he done now?
He just doesn't seem that bothered about getting married.
What man is?
They know that's when the blow job are gonna stop.
Aren't you going to congratulate us?
Married?
I'm moving into Trevor's.
You're not pregnant are you?
All a bit quick, isn't it?
What would you like, dear?
Dubonnet.
Dubonnet and a lemonade, please.
He's rail roded you into this, hasn't he?
Yes. And I'm glad he did.
I haven't felt this alive in years.
It's ridiculous.
You're just jealous.
I found a man who actually wants to commit.
Congratulations.
Who would've thought your old mom
would beat you down the aisle?
[music playing]
[inaudible]
Oh, shit.
What are you fucking doing?
What are you doing?
[inaudible]
[knock]
PC WORLD: PCWorld. - Laptop.
Took it to get repaired.
Police Constable World.
What's going on?
You're all under arrest, for manufacturing and distributing
child pornography.
I better start packing.
I think we're forgetting something.
We need to consummate the marriage.
You can't keep us locked up any longer.
Got a young baby I need to feed.
I think they can see that.
Your udders need a wipe.
Why the fuck didn't you delete everything first?
I couldn't. It wouldn't tun on.
It wouldn't turn on.
Do you even realize the shit you've got us in.
Everything will be fine.
We're be done for kiddie porn.
Do you know how long we could get?
Won't be around to see my little princess growing up.
But they'll soon realize there's
no sick pictures on there.
I've had to leave Carl in charge.
He'll cope.
Good head on his shoulders.
Micky he's a Gallagher.
We're gonna lose the business and the house.
And Cilla
What?
Well, they're bound to get social services involved.
Look, all I wanted was to make sure I was around for cilla.
Look, I'm not having her playing second fiddle
to the business, like us.
Me and your dad were always there for you.
You might've been there physically.
I wrote a story for school once.
I was dead proud of it.
You said you'd read it once you'd done the cashing up.
I sat there all night waiting for you to finish.
You were too busy in the morning.
I had to hand it in that day.
Well, I'm going to read every single story Cilla writes.
I'm gonna make sure she has a good future.
I don't want her turning out like me.
Now, they've got nothing on us.
And we'll be walking out of here in no time.
Show us your tits.
Nice.
Oh, my leg.
No.
It's to big.
The fuck are you dreaming about?
Can't remember.
What's happening?
Child pornography charges have been dropped.
I fucking told you.
We've been charged with fraud.
What are you doing?
Well, I thought a solicitor might help,
being as I'm about to be sent down
till me pubes have turned grey.
The hearing's this afternoon.
Hello.
Morning.
You OK?
Yeah.
Still a little shellshocked.
Libby's father left me with nothing,
even took the rent money.
And I told myself, I'd never trust
another man as long as I lived.
Glad you did.
You are the first man to hold me since he licked it.
I've realized, I've just existed these past 40 years.
This is fascinating.
It's all about that ancient Mayan calendar.
They reckon it ends on the 21st of December, 2012.
Apparently, the sun's going to rise to a unique point.
And that will be the end of the world.
Well, in that case, we don't have to worry about our livers
then, do we?
Look who I found asleep in the garden shed.
You mean, he didn't even notice you weren't at home?
I could pack my bags and leave.
He wouldn't notice.
Glass of water please, Karen.
We're off.
Look after her.
In case you miss.
PATTY: You shouldn't have.
Are you all right?
[phone ringing]
Bye then.
Bye, love.
They've arrived at court.
I should be there.
I'll cover.
Make up for trashing the place last night.
Karen, your family needs you.
Carl.
No. No way.
It's in your job description?
Carl?
I could give you a hand, love.
No thanks.
I don't want all the stock going missing.
Libby Croker, will you marry me?
Oh, get up, Frank.
You're only saying it because I've been nagging you all week.
No. No.
I'm saying it, because I want you to be my wife.
Then, why don't you do anything about it?
I wanted it to be a surprise.
What?
Have you planned the wedding?
Oy, is anyone serving or what?
We're having a private conversation.
Do you mind?
You So what do you say?
Yes.
When is it?
They reckon, it ends on the 21st of December, 2012.
22nd of December, 2012.
Well, that's ages away.
Yeah, but gives us a chance to save up for a decent honeymoon,
abroad like.
I want to do it properly this time.
Now, let me assist the future Mrs.
Gallagher in the distribution of alcoholic beverages.
No, you're all right. I can cope.
No, Libby.
Libby, you're going to be my wife.
We're a team, partnership.
We need to start as we mean to go on.
Do you want a drink?
No.
I'm all right.
I owe you an apology.
You were right.
I was overreacting.
Do you want me to have a word with the little prick?
It's OK.
It's all sorted.
I reckon he's learned his lesson.
Hey, show us your tits.
Shit.
You bitch.
And what do the defense have to say?
Your honor-- my family and I have become
the victims in all of this.
The finger of guilt was immediately pointed.
We're completely innocent.
You'd have to be fucking Rambo to touch
up any of the kids round here. I'm sorry.
Apologies for blasphemy your honor.
But the country's gone mad.
Kiddie fiddling's become a national obsession.
Do you know, I couldn't even take a photograph of me
mate's little nephew as a shepherd in his school
nativity play.
I mean, what are people scared of?
That some pervert's gonna get a stiffy
looking at him with a tea towel shoved on his head.
Don't get me wrong.
You know, I want to see proper pedos stung up.
You know, the ones who get stuck in, before there's
grass on their pitch.
But well, you can't always be 100% sure that they're legal,
can you?
And anyway, most 15-year-olds enjoy a good.
Shafting.
You know, the hormones are raging.
We targeted nonces in an effort to ensure that they wouldn't
have any money left for--
for sweets or puppies or whatever it is they
use to get their end away.
But when they barged in our home yesterday,
we were thrown into a nightmare.
We're the heroes in all of this, not the villains.
Thank you.
Case dismissed.
Who's a clever boy, Micky.
Wrong date on warrant, improper police paperwork.
This is the living room.
Yes.
Do you watch Corrie?
Of course.
Good.
Could've have been shortest marriage in history.
Thank you.
There.
I better unpack.
That can wait.
I have a little surprise.
I suppose you could call it a wedding present.
This one's for you, the mahogany.
I bought mine years ago.
Well, I--
I'm not going to pass those things every time I come in.
You can shift them in the spare room.
No need for that.
Go on.
Surprise me.
I didn't realize you--
am I not enough to live for?
Oh, Patty.
Because I thought you'd change your mind once we were married.
I thought you'd want to be with me.
Oh, believe me, I do.
Do That's why I still want you to come with me.
We could have a good life.
You only feel like this, because you've been on your own
so long.
Once you have people around, here, people who need you,
everything changes.
Patty, I've been ringing your help line for years.
I know.
It's only a matter of time.
Yes, but--
Your daughter has her own life now.
You wouldn't want to die alone in some grotty nursing home.
No, but--
Come with me, Patty.
Today.
You OK?
Just see it as going away on our honeymoon
that will last eternity.
See you on the other side.
Five, four, three, two, one.
I'm having a few problems.
Not on the kitchen table, Carl.
How'd you get that?
Punter won't pay their installment.
Which one?
Walker.
Debbie Walker?
A woman.
Where are the babies?
Well, at the creche.
What bleeding creche?
What?
I'm taking you off the rounds, mate.
You've got enough on your plate here.
I'll start helping out with Cilla more.
I'll do her night feeds.
Mondays, not on a bingo night.
MICKY (VOICEOVER): We all end up with some sort of baggage.
But the thing that determines whether you'll be carting
around a little Gucci or a fuck off Samsonite
for the rest of your life, it's all about how much
is invested in you as a nipper.
I may not be bringing in any actual money, but what I do
is priceless.
After all, I'm busy creating the future.
[music playing]