Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing
fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back.
FRANK (VOICEOVER): So you've had your Labour, reclassifying
skunk, sending prices sky-high.
Literally-- literally taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your ConDemNation,
FRANK (VOICEOVER): Liberals noshing Tories like altar
boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke?
Or what? Is revolution a word?
Or was it never?
Everybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester.
And they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
The green and pleasant land of ancients.
Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak.
It's theirs any more.
This is our England now.
Party!
FRANK (VOICELINE): For most people,
there comes a time when you have to fend for yourself.
Unless you're William, or Harry, or some some other lucky
fucker who inherited plenty.
Or Frank Gallagher, of course.
My mom and dad got off early so I had to learn fast.
No armbands, no stabilizers, no guiding lights.
I'm just saying.
You know, it'd be easy to rob a brothel.
Oh, Shane.
I bet no one's ever robbed a brothel.
And we won't be the first.
Thought we'd agreed, no more robbing.
I'm just thinking aloud.
Well think about something else.
Got to give the new business a chance.
Right on time.
[music - dick dale, "misirlou"]
I love you, Pumpkin.
I love you, Honey-bunny
[she laughs]
[woman screams]
SHANE: Give us your fucking hand!
KELLY: Stop wiggling!
Keep your fucking hands down!
Get us out of here.
Yee-ha!
FRANK (VOICEOVER): I thought I was doing all right.
Diving in.
Cracking on.
Making the best of it.
But, sometimes, it's wise to listen.
Apply the brakes now and again.
You need to be more gentle with the clutch.
[sexy music]
But on the whole, there's some improvement.
PATTY: You could have killed us!
CHES: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And could she even see through that?
She had it under control.
The world's a dangerous enough place as it is.
What a disgrace!
Seen that poster?
Don't let it wind you up.
Revise your roadsigns.
[knocks on door]
Get much done?
Enough.
But a shop quieter than a uni library
doesn't bode well for the future of your business.
Good job we got plenty coming in elsewhere.
PERSON IN WHEELCHAIR: This is out of date.
How is there no proper tea bags?
There's twice as many in that value gear.
But it tastes like piss!
There's more choice at The Jockey!
CHES: After you, girls.
That's Start revision.
What you writing to grandad for?
You snide, two-faced--
Medical student?
Which I couldn't afford to be if I didn't tell him
what was going on.
You're paid to spy.
My cause gets funded out of the profit of this shop.
Income declines, bye-bye Dr. Sita.
I hope you can sleep at night.
As long as you keep earning, I don't need to tell
granddad the half of it.
Of course you don't.
[knocks on door]
[victim sobbing]
Please.
Not this.
No!
Cameron! Cameron!
Fucking hell!
Cameron!
KELLY: Have you hurt her?
SHANE: No!
What's she doing?
[victim crying in pain]
That's the release word if she doesn't like it.
What's up?
This is what you asked for! - I've got a cramp.
Fuck! Fuck!
Where?
Back of the right leg.
Hamstring.
Oh!
Oh, that helps.
Oh.
That's working.
Could you pass me the water, please?
Next time, instead of pulling the panties off,
I'd like you to cut them.
You can let go now.
Sorry about that.
Where were we?
No, please.
I'm begging you.
Anything but that!
What?
SHANE: Sorry.
WOMAN: Ugh.
Really?
SHANE: Really sorry.
Where's the bathroom?
Perhaps you'll be back on form when I return.
Little Shane needs some little blue helpers?
Slug pellets?
Ugh, fucking hell, Shane.
[door opens]
[knocking on door]
[electronic music blaring]
[chatter]
Read it and tell me it's not in your favor.
Did you expect me to believe they're
studying driving theory?
There's a million places I'd rather
be than helping you keep your shitty little shop
in Chatsworth.
[music stops]
Right.
It's home time.
Key to the door.
You've got your staff Poker nights.
Another one that doesn't rhyme.
Bingo!
with a Scouse Ma Baker, a boss-eyed brass
and a tinker in a wheelchair?
I'd never let my missus anywhere near.
I'd like to try and stop her.
Come on, Mimi!
Grey-skinned women stinking of cigs, eyes glazed like zombies.
Makes me sick.
It's more upmarket now.
Mimi, we're off.
MIMI: I'm coming!
Sweet Sixteen
Never Been Kissed.
No, had it up the grease box.
I love making up alternatives.
Your turn.
Go and provide some class.
Cashflow's vital at the start of any new business.
We can't have performance anxiety messing things up.
It's just weird knowing you're being watched.
That city player wants to watch you shag his wife.
Tuesday.
Not rape, though.
Utter domination from behind and anal.
Leave her feeling humiliated, worthless, and embarrassed.
I'll wear me united shirt.
Don't think we're forgotten about you, Anne Frank.
Another half hour.
SHANE: Tell you what.
Stick a fucking balaclava on him, see what we can do.
He's voyeur only!
All set?
He will be.
Maybe we can, uh, think about that,
seeing as someone seems to be struggling
with his side of the bargain.
It's not in the contract.
We could always renegotiate.
Got plenty of ammunition for granddad now, if you want it.
I'm past caring.
I read your email your to granddad.
Appreciate it.
But Uzma wouldn't stand for it.
What's aunt Uzma got to do with anything?
That's who they wanted to send instead of me.
Fuck that.
Couldn't cope with that mad bitch around here.
She's your great auntie.
The Show some respect.
I'm glad it was you.
Here you are, girls. Grab these, innit?
Don't you see, they're using you?
CARL: Using him?
My man's on fire.
I'm all out.
Yeah.
Nah, man.
You don't have to.
Mate, with the readies I'm getting out of this lot?
It's only right that I sort you out.
[tires screeching]
Yasmin's going to be a paramedic.
Gets blue light lessons.
KELLY: Oh, God, no!
No!
Anything.
Anything, but this!
Please, please!
MICKY (OUTSIDE): What the hell do you think
you're doing up there, eh?
Eh?
[indinstinct shouting]
MICKY (OUTSIDE): Answer me, you old old pervert!
What do you think you're doing up there, eh?
Micky!
Let me.
I found him!
SHANE: Stop it!
Leave him alone.
You won't believe where he was.
Noncing on you and Kelly.
It's all right.
All right?
I just dragged him out of our loft.
He paid for it!
Sorry about that.
(THRILLED)- It's all right.
[woman screaming in pleasure]
Quite enjoyed that!
Same time tomorrow?
I don't get it.
SHANE: It's his fantasy. - What?
Dressing up as a bird in our loft?
[woman continues to scream]
That's not Kelly.
Who's that?
What you doing to her?
None of your business!
What's with the bally and the no clothes?
You can't torture people back here!
Sisters know what buttons to press.
[woman laughs]
Phew!
SANDRA: I think it's now time to tie me up again.
Fuck off.
What's going on in here?
You shouldn't be doing this at home.
Why not concentrate on one business at a time?
Do you think James Caan does that?
Think James Caan ever got his legs broken?
Who's going to hurt cheeky Ches?
Try angry fathers when they find
out the driving school's a front for their daughters
to get laid.
Nah.
I just provide a space to let their hair down.
And their knickers.
I've seen it happen.
Demonstrations, picketing, extremists
swooping down and preaching.
Sharia law in Chatsworth won't be far away.
Behave. Now you are overreacting.
9.99, 9.99.
Absurd, Kebab Airways.
Liverpool, Amsterdam.
Amsterdam, Liverpool.
How is that not entrapment?
They are the most chilled race in Europe.
Scousers.
Dutch.
You'll never see a fight in a coffee shop.
Exactly.
I am sick of gangsters, here, giving fuckall back.
Er, wouldn't say no, son.
Lovely.
Good lad.
I can shift a lot more.
30?
Could be gone by weekend.
Saves all the coming and going.
That's not personal anymore.
And you're far too pretty for Strangeways.
Look, I promise.
Just let me show you what I can do.
[women shouting]
[horn honks]
MIMI: Yee-haw.
Whoo. Yee-haw!
Rawhide!
LILLIAN: Top prize, we pooled it together.
I'll draw up the rota.
Who gets it and when.
PATTY: It was my card, though.
Oh, always fucking whinging.
Buy us out or shut the fuck up.
Now, remember, I always get paid.
Even if I have to wait till you've done a three-stretch.
I'll get Shane to put a bigger engine in this.
You can't Cilla on it if it goes too fast.
And she'll have to get a helmet and earmuffs.
[woman screaming in pleasure]
That's not Kelly.
They're torturing someone.
In the house?
I knew it was a bad move, them going on their own.
Much as it pains me to slag one of me own--
Clueless without our Jamie.
Our Jamie would never bring his work home like that.
Tell him, I said he can't keep it here
and he better clean any mess.
REPORTER (ON TV): Police are still
waiting for the kidnappers--
Mom says you've got to take her somewhere else.
Grass.
How's that grassing when she can hear her?
REPORTER (ON TV): --the search is focused on the Chatsworth
Estate of Manchester where a stolen
car believed to be used in the abduction has been discovered.
The MP for Chatsworth and Trafford West
made the headlines--
A politician's wife?
[police sirens]
Er, hello?
Maguire.
Crime family?
Well, don't you think it's a bit brain-dead
bringing her back here?
They think this is real.
Who does?
Everyone!
The news.
The police are all over Chatsworth.
Why?
Because somebody didn't turn their cameras off.
Oops.
Well, it doesn't matter what they think.
She paid for this.
- Exactly. - So we're OK.
No, the police kick the fuck out of Maguires
first and ask questions later.
We need to sort it. Now.
- Well I can't go. - Why?
I don't think exposing my fantasy will look
too impressive with the voters.
Voters?
Her husband's an MP.
Oh!
- Can't we talk about this? - No.
I'll tell them it is real.
I left the cameras running on purpose.
He needs the publicity.
Sympathy, even, my husband.
Is he in on it?
No, never!
He's too straight.
Now I really don't trust this, Kelly.
I can't go!
Don't be stupid!
Shane?
Go on, then?
Go on.
See how much sympathy that gets.
I'll make it look real.
Don't be mental!
You'll get at least seven years for kidnap.
Shane?
She's full of shit.
[screaming]
[coughing and gagging]
[sandra screams]
Ches?
Hello?
Oi!
Ches!
You promised to go to the wholesaler's!
CHES: Yeah.
So what's up?
It's all right.
You overslept, you stink of booze,
and you left the door open all night!
Local store for local people.
No one will rob us.
Aidan and Letitia just forgot to leave IOUs
for the booze they took, then?
They'll pay when I threaten them.
The shelves are bare!
I am going to the wholesalers!
Are you a Doctor?
Not yet.
Can you stitch stuff?
Stitched me up plenty of times.
Within reason.
I need a favor.
Now.
Please.
MICKY: Oh, this is bad!
No, Jamie would never fuck up like this.
What if he works for a newspaper?
Think he'll confess to anything?
Look at the fucking state of him!
SITA: This won't even need a stitch.
SHANE: Woah woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, here we are.
I've given her a load of painkillers.
KELLY: Hold that! Hold it!
Shit!
Put your hand on there.
SHANE: Oh, fucking hell!
KELLY: No poppers!
MICKY: Get some of this up your beak.
SITA: You said stitch.
SHANE: We kept it in ice.
MICKY: Macaroni dinner in the freezer for a month, so--
You need a microsurgeon.
Call an ambulance!
KELLY: We can't!
That's why we need you.
KELLY: It was just an accident.
You can see we're all still friends.
MICKY: Yeah!
Please?
SITA: Ice might keep a finger OK,
but the chance of wound infection
increases by the second.
Then gangrene, arm amputation,
How long before that happens?
If infected, the spread speeds the longer you leave it.
You need to get to a hospital.
The blood's stemmed, but the--
SHANE: OK, but, what's the longest we can wait?
If you don't get to hospital in 24 hours--
Look, thanks for coming.
MICKY: Look, you cannot keep her here.
Why don't you just ask Jamie what he'd do?
Because we don't need anyone's help!
Of course not.
Dibble!
You go out the backdoor, I'll stall the filth!
God, have you nothing better to do?
OFFICER: Bye-bye.
Thanks for your time.
Thanks, Doreen.
Good-bye!
[music blares]
PARTYGOER: 68!
69!
[interposing voices]
CHES: Fucking hundred right now for me.
[interposing voices]
CHES: Deena needs a top-up.
You're taking the piss.
On my life, I'll go tomorrow.
You should take a leaf out of her book and join the party.
It might help you chill out.
[bottles clanging]
SITA: Hey!
Little shit!
EMERGENCY SERVICES (ON PHONE): Ambulance, police, or fire.
Anti-terrorist unit.
ANTI TERRORIST SERVICE (ON PHONE): Anti-terrorism.
There's something not right in a shop in Chatsworth.
REPORTER (ON TV): And now, our top story.
The kidnappers of Sandra Brown have yet to come forward
with any ransom demands.
Meanwhile, with every hour that passes,
police are increasingly concerned for the welfare
of the MP's wife, seen here being abducted
from her own home, yesterday.
Hey, have you heard this?
I hope they cut her head off.
Her husband wants to close every brothel in the country.
REPORTER (ON TV): --to come forward
and make their demands known.
Twat.
REPORTER (ON TV): The search is still focused on the Chatsworth
Estate in Manchester.
SANDRA: I don't agree with all his policies.
KELLY: I'll be fucked if I'm going back on the streets.
Just take me in and I'll confess.
I'll tell them what happened.
That it was all down to me.
I'm sorry I put you through this.
So you should be.
We shouldn't leave this too long.
SHANE: Do you trust her to tell the truth?
Well don't you?
We can prove it.
She paid us a deposit.
In cash.
No paper trail.
No proof.
I've got the booking in the diary.
Are they going to believe she chopped
her own finger off to frame us?
Look at the state of her, Kel.
They'll say she's in shock.
Examine her.
Our DNA is all over the place.
Maybe we should ask Jamie.
Tell me you're joking.
All right what would you suggest?
Our first problem on our first big earner, and you
want to go running back for help?
Fucking hell, Shane!
Maybe we're not as good on our own as we thought we'd be.
Little bird told me it might be in a spot of bother.
MIMI: Not everyone's cut out to go it alone, son.
I might need a little bit of help.
It's blood that binds us, mate.
Preferably somebody else's.
Lap it up, son.
Moments like this you treasure when
you depart for that big caravan site in the sky.
JAMIE: Just say what you need me to do
and you're back in the fold.
Was it a joinery or a plastering course
you did in Strangeways?
Bedroom ceiling's fucked.
Do it quick.
I'll give you a bonus
JAMIE: Fucking prick.
PATTY: Mimi!
MIMI (MOCKINGLY): Mimi!
PATTY: It's my turn!
Whatever!
You've got your own wheels.
Check the fucking rota!
Ahh!
Oh!
OFFICER: Oopsy-daisy.
MIMI: Fucking typical.
Yeah don't help.
Blame us 'cos you're too stupid to find the MP's wife.
Ugh!
Fucking crank!
CARL: There's more to it than that.
Let me take you out.
Prove it.
CHES: Yeah, less of that.
Carl, Farah wants you to show her how to hold a pool cue.
Help her pot a ball and I might get a nosh.
Rapid!
Mating calls.
Yeah, Ches, get her to do a line off my dick.
OFFICER: Move!
Move!
[music blares]
Move!
OFFICER: Armed police!
Armed police!
Nobody move!
Get down right now!
Put your hands on your head!
All right!
Don't move! - Stay there!
Put your hands on your head!
[shouting in background]
LILLIAN: About time.
Ohh, re-sprays don't come cheap.
That'll cost.
MIMI: Never mind that.
Look what the bizzies did!
There's more police crawling around Chatsworth than we
had in the Tockie riots.
They can't find the MP's wife so they're
taking it out on poor Chesney.
You reckon?
Just glad I'm not Irish.
Here.
Have it.
You want to get some cream on that.
Ugh. See ya.
[ominous music]
KELLY: What did you think would actually happen?
Nothing I'd Just go home.
Seemed a good idea.
Two birds with one stone.
Does hubby know about your rape fantasy?
It's more than 10 years since he went down on me.
Asking him to wear a balaclava, a 12
inch strap on, and pull my hair would only aggravate his IBS.
I don't think we've ever talked the way you two do.
Took years to get here.
But you have to stand by them, though.
Even though I can't help the disappointment.
The way things turned out so different.
We shouldn't even be in this mess.
SHANE: OK.
If you want to get out of this without anyone
knowing what a twisted deviant you are.
Of course.
We'll need compensating.
I understand.
- Phone your husband. - And say?
50 grand.
What are you doing?
Wait and see.
It's been on the news.
They've got a finger.
Knock, Lillian!
LILLIAN (OUTSIDE): I hope they post her tits next.
SHANE: They'll freeze it.
Look, a finger's no good on its own.
INTERROGATOR (ON SCREEN): Jihad Corps?
That's your inspiration, yeah?
CHES (ON SCREEN): It's just a video-game.
Like your driving school just teaches clutch control?
What does that mean?
INTERROGATOR (ON SCREEN): Is that how you recruit?
Preaching hate during driving lessons, eh?
I swear, I don't know what's going on.
INTERROGATOR (ON SCREEN): Why did your white mother
defect to Pakistan?
PATTY: It's my turn!
All right, keep your knickers on.
I've got to drop this lot off, first.
Hang on.
It's like a plague of locusts!
Some people have no shame.
LOOTER: Supermarket Sweep in the dark.
Look what I've got!
It'll do me a week!
Why aren't you kicking them out?
JAMIE: Because they'll only spend the money
they're saving somewhere else.
Unfortunate by-product of the age.
Social disintegration.
We used to leave our doors off the latch.
You know, everybody in and out.
Cup of tea, check in on their old dears.
MIMI: Even during the Toxteth riots in '81 we had principles.
We didn't take from our own.
You told me you got a telly.
Yeah, but that was a big shop.
FRANK: Now it's just, me, me, me.
CHES: I should sue 'em over that poster.
Oh, my God.
Ches!
Shit.
Are you OK?
Is that why they raided, then?
CHES: Nah.
The girls think it's Jasmine's dad.
Maybe you had a point.
Shit.
So much for the wholesalers.
Why?
Where am I going to get the dough to restock everything?
You just said it.
Sue them.
You reckon Asian brothers have got
a high success rate taking on the dibble
in the British courts?
I'm serious.
I had a conversation with a Law PhD.
And I had a conversation with a law C-U-N-T.
I've got no chance.
They left it unsecured.
If they remove the proprietor by force,
it becomes their responsibility.
Precedent, customs and immigration versus Talybont
Taxis, Cardiff 2007.
Go on.
If they don't compensate within a week,
then you charge them a 50% fine.
I'll get Hassan to back-date whatever recepits we want.
We can say it was overstocked.
I promise I won't mess up again.
[door opens]
CARL: Fuck!
CHES: What's up?
CARL: 15 hundred quid that [inaudible] Jamie's what's up.
Your jacket, yeah?
Yeah.
How come you've got it?
You left it here.
So the police didn't find anything?
Where's the sniff?
I flushed it away.
CARL: Yeah, of course you did.
I thought it was the right thing to do.
CARL: You stupid?
I thought they'd know it was your jacket.
You fucking stupid bitch!
CHES: Hey!
Fuck off!
CHES: No more parties.
Listen, darling, the party's over.
New management and door policy.
Ah!
What the f--
SITA: Auntie Uzma.
You told grandad?
He saw on the news.
What could I do?
She's not staying here.
Tomorrow, yeah?
SHANE: Libby you start at March Way.
Kelly, when you her, cross over to Mapley.
Avril goes third from the alley, from Byley to Cranston Lane.
Aiden, you hold back on March Road
till I give you the signal.
Sandra, you're the bait.
[MUSIC - NINA SIMONE, "SINNERMAN"]
MUSIC: Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
That's Sandra!
OFFICER: Hang on.
Which one?
MUSIC: Ooh, I ran to the river.
It was boiling, I run to the--
OFFICER (ON RADIO): What do we do now?
MUSIC: It was boiling I ran to the sea.
Wait.
MUSIC: It was boiling all on that day.
So I ran to the Lord.
Just follow the bag!
OFFICER (ON RADIO): Yeah, but which one?
There's loads of them.
OFFICER 2 (ON RADIO): The one with the money in it.
MUSIC: please hide me.
Please help me all on that day.
OFFICER (ON RADIO): There's too many!
We need more officers!
OFFICER 2 (ON RADIO): All officers leave your positions
and check every bag.
I want every bag searched.
MUSIC: --said, lord, lord, hear me praying, lord, lord.
Hear me praying, lord, lord.
Hear me--
Go, go, go, go, go.
MUSIC: All on that day.
Said a man you ought to be praying.
Ought to be praying, said a man.
Ought to be praying, all on that day.
I cried-- power!
Could they have proved it were my jacket?
The quality of DNA testing, these days?
Easy.
JAMIE: You'll make it back in a week.
Heard you got your little problem sorted.
KELLY: Never in doubt, Jamie.
Done it my way, we'd all be having a right drink.
Is that the best champagne you've got over there?
I'll have one.
Make that two.
ACCOMPLICE: Three!
[SANDRA DOPPLEGANGERS CHEERING AND HOLLERING]
And me.
KELLY: You know we might as well take the lot.
Cheers, everyone!
[silence]
Don't worry about it.
FRANK: Disgraceful!
Probably be tempted, myself.
CHES (VOICEOVER): Even James Caan has to listen to others--
especially James Caan.
You have to accept you need help now and again.
Because that's how you really move on.
That's how you learn the best lessons.
Now, who'll havel a drink?
Frank!
Yes?
You'll have a drink.
Oh!
CHES: Go on.
I'm just trying to smooth it over.
You know.
[music resumes]
CARL: I'm sorry.
Me too.
Nah, you did nothing wrong.
I owe you.
SHANE: Listen, er, thanks a lot for earlier, yeah?
You know, with your help with a finger.
Good job.
Thanks.
[frank laughing]
Party!
Frank, it's my turn!
Fuck off, Supergran!
I'm entering the raspberry Olympics.
ASSISTANT: Get off the road!
Evel Knievel got nothing on me!
[loud thud]
FRANK: Oh, fucking hell.
Jesus!
What a place to park!
[outro song]
They treated me like a dog.
They beat me and abused me.
My husband demands a total review
of the laws in this country, and wants every vestige
of prostitution banned forever!
Bitch!
[gunshot]