Anyone watching thinking they know fuck all about knowing
fuck all about owt, needs to watch their backs.
So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky-high, literally, literally, taking
the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your Con-Dem-Nation.
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is "revolution" a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester.
And they charge us for water!
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times, fucking yak,
yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!
It's not theirs anymore!
This is our England now!
Party!
CARL (VOICEOVER): This week, I officially became a man.
Got to admit, there were times I didn't think I'd make it.
But here I am.
And there's no one more surprised about that than me.
Most of my family fucked off before they
got the keys to the door.
And they always thought I'd do the same.
But why should I?
I'm happy where I am.
The grass isn't always greener.
SONG: And I'm feeling good.
CARL (VOICEOVER): Sometimes, everything you want,
everything you need, is right there under your nose.
So put your time in.
Water, prune, feed your little patch, keep the weeds at bay,
let it grow.
As any gardener will tell you, nothing encourages growth
like a good dose of shit.
So after nearly 21 years in the stuff,
I reckon it's my time to fucking bloom.
Inside and out, yeah?
It'll just be a small affair.
Finger buffet, decorations.
The young ones are all charlied up.
It's all they can do to prise their jaws apart,
never mind tackle a Scotch egg.
You'll be wasting your money.
It's Carl's 21st. We need to mark it.
How How have you managed to run up a 500 pound phone bill?
I haven't.
Joe has.
It's addressed to the shop, granddad's shop, which he
left in your incapable hands.
Sort it!
It's a gay sex line.
Joe rented it out.
Got some lads to man the phones.
He rakes it in.
How the fuck do you know?
I was never off 'em.
I mean, Ian was never off 'em.
Dirty bastard.
Yeah, filthy fuck.
It's a pound a minute offpeak, pound 50 peak.
Stories take a few minutes to really kick in.
So you're talking a fiver, at least before the money shot,
but it's well worth it.
So Ian said.
But you'd make a killing.
You know, "suck my throbbing cock and all that stuff."
I'm not talking dirty so some fruit can have a wank.
No, yeah.
I don't blame you.
Fucking pervs!
Our joint account's two grand down.
We agreed Jamie wasn't getting a cut of our business.
Look, it all goes in a pot anyway.
Whose pot?
Certainly not ours.
He'll be wanting a cut from my takings at Lilian's next.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I knew you'd react like this.
What's it gonna take for you to actually stand up to him?
How many times will he have to fuck
you over, fuck us over, before you tell him enough's enough!
Come back when you've grown a pair of bollocks, eh, Shane?
SONG: Feels so good, you lying here next to me.
Oh, what a groove.
You have no idea how it feels.
The My hands just won't keep still.
I love you, baby.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I just wanna hold you, run my fingers through your hair.
Do the water thing.
Do the water thing!
Hose me down, Scudder.
Hose me down.
SONG: You like it like that?
Closer.
Come here, closer.
Closer.
You have that one for free.
Do you normally charge?
I don't make much.
I'd do it again for the price of a pint.
It's my birthday Friday.
Could be my date if you play your cards right.
Fuck do you think you're doing?
- Ain't it obvious? - With my water.
See you Friday?
Maybe when you're driving the car, not washing it.
Yeah, thanks for fucking nothing!
Mate, you're the only one with an outside tap.
It's not a problem, Carl.
Oh, let's just give him the keys to the house,
then, shall we?
Keys here.
Take me wallet.
Jackson, give it a rest.
Mate, it's only a bit of water.
Which I pay for!
Put that towards your next bill.
They'd have the eyes off the back of your head.
Thieving bastards.
Yeah.
Avril in?
You left this in the pub.
And I think these bananas are on the turn.
They're plantain.
Oh, thanks for bring them round, Meems.
I've never seen half this stuff.
You must have seen one of these.
Only coming out of a tin.
I can't stand all that processed food.
I'd sooner starve.
I like to make a dish from scratch.
You know, stuff you learn watching
your ma in the kitchen.
It's tradition.
I was brought up that way.
He's full of it, isn't he?
He's full of something.
It's about making an effort.
It's hard to get motivated, when you're on your own,
though. Isn't it?
You should come and have dinner with us.
Oh, I wouldn't wanna get in the way.
You wouldn't.
We've always got mates around our table.
It's tradition.
We were brought up that way.
I'd love to.
That's settled, then.
Jackson can rustle something up hear
learned from watching his mum.
Can't wait.
Neither can I.
See you later.
Bye, love.
If I'd known I were gonna get me leg slapped,
I would have worn me shorts.
AVRIL: I'm not slapping you.
I like her.
You're doing this to wind me up.
For once, this isn't about you.
It's about being neighborly, making friends.
I teach their kids.
I see them every day at the school gates.
I don't want 'em around for dinner.
We all know what this is about.
This is about me not wanting that type under my roof.
"That type?"
Oh, you know what I mean.
I'm an educated man.
I don't think that way.
I want them looking like that they've just come off the lot.
I bet that backseat's seen a bit of action.
Imagine it could talk, eh?
Just make sure it doesn't.
Jamie, quick word.
Busy.
Hurry.
Yeah.
I'm wasted cleaning.
Tell it to someone who gives a shit.
Well, get a kid to do it.
We have.
No
Got nothing more interesting going?
For you? No.
Jamie, you got nothing a bit more demanding than this?
I can always find something for the right man.
Jamie, I just told him no.
You just made me look a right twat.
I do the hiring and firing.
You are a right twat.
Come on, come on!
I could beat her.
What can I get you?
MAN: A pint of lager, please, Mimi.
MIMI: You've got the bandages off now, then, eh?
MAN: Yeah, they come off tonight.
What happened to her?
Loan shark.
Well, you know what they say.
If you can't swim, keep out the water.
It was the only way she could afford that luxury spa weekend.
Thought you could do with some cheering up.
Not screaming "me," isn't it?
Well, no.
That's why I bought it.
Thought you could wear it on your nights off.
I've embarrassed you, haven't I?
No.
Ta.
Right, what can I get you?
Do you know, I've gone off the idea.
Come on, Sandra.
We can't afford this.
Hey!
What's up with her?
You're her husband.
-
Fresh from the chippy.
I'd sooner have our two grand back.
Just give me a bit of time, eh.
I tried that.
Result?
Jamie and Karen are still taking the piss, as well as our money!
What do you think?
She's got the legs for 'em.
Karen bought me 'em.
With our money.
Kel.
Jamie took the money we made from the school's
security contract.
Of course, you knew that already.
That was family money.
You got your cut.
"Cut?"
We earned every penny that's in there.
Rein her in, Shane.
That might have been the way your marriage worked,
Mimi, but not mine.
I'll get the cash meself, like I should've
done in the first place!
Got the Young Conservatives in again?
What's the damage?
Eight pound 69.
d apt.
Stick it on me slate.
No, no more credit!
Laters 'taters!
It's nearly a ton now!
Suck my throbbing cock?
Fuck.
Um, look, Ches, thanks for the offer and that,
but you're not really my type.
I'm talking about that sex line.
Oh, me too, yeah.
I can't get it out of me head.
Yeah, dirty things.
I've got final demands coming out my fucking ears.
How does it work?
Hah, I wondered how long it will
be before the missus kicked him out and told
him to get things sorted.
Adding psychic to your long list of talents?
Karen phoned.
I just want a fair deal, and so does Kel.
You got a fair deal.
You get a cut that's in direct proportion
to the risks you take.
We're brothers.
Equal.
Never have been, never will be.
All right, I've got a few-- a few ideas of me own.
I wanna try 'em out.
You had your chance to run things.
You got your ass kicked.
That's why I'm in charge and you're not.
Lock up.
How did I do?
Good.
Any problems?
In the boot, I mean, I don't know what's been going on,
but-- - Best not knowing.
Can you live with that?
Yeah.
Good.
This is going straight in my 21st fund.
I've got another job lined up for tomorrow,
if you're interested.
Yeah, too right.
Get yourself something smart, yeah?
Presentable.
Working for the family now?
That's right.
Got to hand it to you, Jackson.
The food was beautiful!
JACKSON: Ta.
And all learned at his ma's knee.
I think it had more to do with Delia Smith
than it did his mother, but at least he made the effort.
JACKSON: Bollocks.
You lost something?
JACKSON: That Billie Holiday, I lent it out,
and I don't think I've had it back.
Billie Holiday?
Christ knows she needs a fucking holiday.
Have you heard the screeching from her?
She sang about racial hatred.
Nothing she could tell me about that.
What, because of Liverpool's involvement in the slave trade?
The Toxteth Riots.
I stood shoulder to shoulder with your lot,
and I looted a fabulous fucking telly
and video while I was at it.
So you joined in the struggle against oppression
and came away with a brand new surround sound?
Wages of war.
Race war.
That was the angle Thatcher and her mob pushed.
Had fuck all to do with race and everything to do with the fact
that anyone who lived in that area
got treated like shite by that Tory bitch.
We got to the point where we decided enough was enough.
Good on you.
You're too young to remember.
If you lived in places like Toxteth, Moss Side,
St. Paul's in the '70s and '80s, you were black,
whether you were black or not.
Know what I mean?
"I'm a fucking scally, and I'm screwing your gaff.
If you don't tell the dibble, I'll
let you pull down my trackies and swallow my big, hard cock.
Smack my arse till it's red raw, stick your fingers up my--"
Fuck right off.
This is disgusting, man!
Well, it's supply and demand.
Where there's shit, there's brass.
Now, do you need the cash or not?
"That's right.
I'm scum.
Just out of Borstal, balls ready to burst.
Now, work your tongue around my time working class--"
No!
It's "work your tongue down my throbbing shaft,
licking your way to my tight working class ring."
Well, get it right, for fuck's sake!
And your rhythm's all wrong.
You'll be losing punters left, right, and center.
Now, go again from the top.
Ready?
- "I'm a working class scally." - Bit gruffer.
"I'm a working class scally."
Spot on.
CHES: I'm screwing your gaff.
Filthy cunt.
Mind if I hand these out?
What are they?
Discount vouchers.
Recession, not much money about, is there?
Not as much as there used to be.
Anything you want for a tenner.
Gonna film it too.
Chance for you to be the star of your own little movie.
How about that?
What do you think you're doing?
Can't you read?
Not here, not ever.
'Cause everybody knows nothing underhand happens in here,
don't they?
Get out of my pub.
But it's not your pub.
Jamie robbed it from under your nose
when you were having your wobbly.
Or did you forget?
[gasping]
[shouting]
What the fuck is going on?
Like a pair of bitches on heat!
Pack it in!
This is getting sorted once and for all.
Family pow wow.
I'll tell you where and when.
Now, get!
And you, drink!
I said, drink!
Go straight to that address.
No detours, no fucking about.
You do not let this out your sight.
You need to give it to a guy called Kermit.
Understood.
Family business.
Important family business.
You only talk on that.
You'll need a car.
[honking]
Bit old for joyriding.
Uh, company car.
On business.
Finish at 6:00.
That right?
I'll pick you up outside the shop.
Come on, live a little.
Listen, I'm a nice guy when you get to know me.
That's what other girls say.
We could be on the Dales in half an hour.
Country pub, bit of food.
I'll be outside the shop at 6:00.
Make sure you are.
KERMIT: Step, kick, turn.
Step, kick, turn.
Kick and turn.
Step, kick, turn, and pop.
Hold it.
Plie down slowly.
Like grinding on a cock.
Come on, Saskia, get your knees wider than that.
I've seen you on Saturday night on the wheelie bin out back.
Big finale.
Bally Teeth and tits.
Fuck me.
Just tits.
And five, six, seven, eight.
Sex on a fucking plate.
All right, get yourselves washed up, ladies.
Top and tail, fucking stinks like the fucking
fishmongers in here.
Fuck me.
Like fucking Grimsby.
I take you're not here for the audition.
It's Maguire business.
Not here, you fucking idiot!
Never in public, you fucking twat!
You must be Carl.
Carl Gallagher.
Not a Maguire.
Jamie must trust you.
His right-hand man.
An Alsatian ripped me throat open
and swallowed me voice box.
We laugh about it now, don't we, Griffin?
[growling]
Don't worry.
He's been fed.
You'll have to go upstairs in the bar while I count this.
Tasty little Pole on a pole up next.
You can fuck her if you want.
My treat.
She likes it up the Gary.
[chuckling]
[barking]
Down, Griffin!
She hates Billie Holiday.
I hate Billie Holiday, can't stand Michael Jackson,
think Al Green's only ever done three decent tunes in his life.
Don't get me started on Diana bleeding Ross.
She treated the riots as an excuse for a looting spree.
I think some of your black brothers
may have done the same.
We both know what the root of this particular problem is.
Not that again.
You're a Man U fan.
All Man U fans hate Scousers.
Admit it.
You're being ridiculous.
You're accusing Mimi of all sorts, when you and I both know
who the real bigot is.
I resent that.
She says we're different.
You'd call her a racist if she didn't.
She can't win.
You've got me all wrong.
All I'm saying is, you can't make assumptions
on the color of someone's skin.
I know, babe.
I mean, I always assumed all black men had big cocks.
Give us those here.
Going somewhere?
[barking]
I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!
I thought you said this was untouched.
Jamie handed it to me, and I handed it to you.
Jamie's too clue in to cross me, son.
Which means the only person stupid enough
to try and rip me off is you.
No, Kermy.
It's "Kermit," you little piece of fucking shite!
If you touch me, and Jamie'll come
down on you so fucking hard!
It's the Maguire's you're messing with now.
You think Jamie's gonna go to war with me
over a waste of space like you?
Look, what the fuck's all this about?
Down, Griffin!
This is two grand light.
It can't be.
It's Never left my side.
Yeah, what-- what the fuck do you think you're doing?
I'm gonna teach you a lesson, son, that you're
never gonna fucking forget.
Oh, please, no.
KERMIT: Hold him down, Judy.
No, no, no, no!
I swear to God I didn't touch a penny of it.
Please, not that.
Anything but that.
Please, just don't bum me.
Please, Kermit.
Bum you?
I'm not gonna fucking bum you, you filthy little fucker!
I'm changing into me trackie bottoms.
I've got two new numbers to choreograph
by Friday lunch time.
Jamie'll vouch for me.
I'd never do nothing like that. I'm not a thief.
I swear God.
Will you stop your fucking moaning?
Jesus!
It wasn't me.
I've been doing business with the Maguires
since before you were born, son.
Paddy never let me down.
Mimi never let me down.
Jamie never let me down.
Until he started using you.
Sir, I never.
I can't run the risk of another little
toe-rag ripping me off, thinking I'll just
stand back and do nothing.
I have to send out a very clear message
that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.
Oh, no.
Which one's your wanking hand?
What?
It's not a difficult question, you sick fucking twat!
Which one's your fucking jizz fist?
Left or right?
I'm-- I'm ambidextrous.
Oh, he's ambidextrous, Judy.
I'll just have to cut a finger off both then, won't I?
Hold him still, Judy.
I'll have the fucking lot off. - No, no.
Tell your mates, Carl, nobody fucks with Kermy.
No, please.
Not even Little Miss Piggy.
Wait, wait.
Please.
Me bollocks!
[phone ringing]
Peekaboo!
[screaming]
Yeah, cool.
Meet you there in a bit.
Bye.
Just off to meet a friend in town.
Well, next time you report to granddad,
tell him I'm back in the black, yeah?
All sorted, like i said it would be.
After that feast you cooked me, I want to return the favor.
Been ringing round me mates from Tocky.
Don't know whether to do Afro-Caribbean, Somali, Thai?
Very multicultural.
Never judge a book by its cover.
Obviously.
Every color of the rainbow where I grew up.
At school, I was a right wigger.
had the Bo Derek braids and loved Boney M, And the Cosbys
We can't thank you enough for your support.
I'm just one big melting pot, me.
Got a few football tickets to get rid of behind the bar, Mum.
Usual.
I'll take the Liverpool ones.
Wouldn't touch the United ones with a shitty stick, though.
You and me both, the smug fucking bastards.
See you later.
Just been talking about your lot.
My lot?
I mean, I know you're always in the limelight and on telly,
but fucking hell, do you ever stop rubbing it in?
A glorious history and all that shite?
Do us all a favor, and shut the fuck up for a bit, eh?
Fuck that.
I'm not drinking in here.
What's happened?
Us lot are just off home, Mimi.
And good fucking riddance, eh?
AVRIL: Jackson?
[phone ringing]
Carl.
Look, I'm sorry, right.
Carl, what the fuck?
I just need for you to know that it wasn't me
that fucked up your business.
MIMI: Right, let's start. - I need to go.
Business. MIMI: Can it wait?
JAMIE: Can't.
MIMI: It's gonna have to.
This is a family meeting, yeah?
Shouldn't we wait for Mickey?
Oh, he's even less fucking use than you.
Can we get this over with?
Right, she was handing these out in pub.
"Your chance to appear in your own porno as Kelly
does Chatsworth.
I need 50 of the hardest men I can find,
and I mean hard, to make my dream come true.
Do you measure up?"
You were handing these out in the pub?
Paddy was selling smack to kids a few years back.
You were dealing weed from your own front door.
I wasn't sticking me ass out of it and charging a tenner for it
to be filled, though, was I?
Did you know about this?
If you mean, did I ask his permission, no, I didn't.
It's been a bit difficult trying to make ends meet.
It's been fucking impossible.
And it's been made worse by the fact
that we've been getting ripped off by so-called family!
[phone ringing]
Kermit.
I can't be.
I counted it meself.
No, I'm not calling you a liar.
Carl wouldn't do that.
Look, I'm on me way. I'll sort it.
15 minutes, yeah?
Who've you been upsetting now?
Carl made a drop to Kermit.
It's down 2K.
He won't do business now.
Carl's ripped us off.
I'll kill the little fucker.
My bird walked out on us.
Yeah, left us in a right Jeremy Kyle.
Yeah, I have to sell me arse now just to keep her in nappies.
Yeah, you like that, don't you?
Yeah, got you nice and hard, does it?
You've come already?
I haven't even got started.
Ches, we are sitting on a gold mine here, man.
I'm telling you.
A few more days, it'd set you up for life.
Reckon?
We cleared over a grand in two days.
Well, another week of this, you'd
be able to buy that little car you've had your eye on.
A fortnight in Spain next summer, nice trackie, trainers.
Babe magnet.
Yeah.
More pussy than a cat's home, mate.
[phone ringing]
Yeah, lick my Adidas, you piece of shit.
You want it, don't you?
I do indeed.
Desperate for it?
I'm partial to a Pilcher, but I wouldn't say I was desperate.
You wanna stick it up my nice, tight virgin ass, don't you?
No, I'm gonna stick it on a cracker.
But if you give me a bit more notice when you're up for a bit
of kink, I'll gladly oblige.
He hasn't been home.
He'll have been out spilling his seed, just like his father.
My Brendan was the same, spilling it
everywhere, just like a horse.
Ruined the Axminster.
Had his prostate whizzed out.
That put a stop to it.
Then Rodney took over where his father left off,
spilling it left, right, and center.
Such a persistent stain, isn't it?
Well, I am starting to worry.
What if he misses his own birthday party?
He's not a child.
It's a Gallagher thing.
All the men try and do a runner before any celebration.
Can I have a hand here, please?
Unless, of course, there's a free bar.
Eh?
[phone ringing]
There's not many places you can hide in a car like this.
Fuck off.
Jackson's running late.
He's dropping Letitia off at a friend's.
I he'll can't like this.
Why wouldn't we?
Don't think curry's too heavy for lunch, do you?
Stop worrying.
It's just that your fella's not that easy to impress.
So why try?
Who cares what he thinks?
I do.
There's one thing you should know about Jackson.
He's a good man, and I love him, but he
can be a complete wanker!
At least he knows his own mind and stands
up for what he believes in.
[knocking on door]
All right, all right.
Calm down, calm down.
Is right, Mimi girl?
Buzzing, laughing, toffee apple, kidda?
Eh?
The money wasn't there.
He was gonna cut my fingers off!
Strip.
What?
I said, strip.
I didn't take the cash, Jamie.
I know it's hard for you to believe, but I didn't.
I wouldn't.
It's not in my nature.
You put your faith in me.
Why the fuck would I chuck it back in your face?
Get in the car.
Please, Jamie.
Get in the fucking car!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Man up, Carl!
Come on!
I'm not a man.
I'm just a kid!
I don't wanna go with you!
My cock's as thick as a beer can, and it wants your hole.
The hardest scally on the streets, that's who this is.
Now, touch your toes, and spread those butt cheeks!
Who?
But I've got a jock strap on, and I'm
just back from the match.
I've got an eight inch throbber.
He wants you.
I told you before, you filthy little fucker.
Lick my boots clean.
Yeah, I want every fucking stud gleaming.
And when you've done that, I want your mouth around my toes.
Nice one. Any time, mate.
Yeah, bye.
It just rots the soul, doesn't it?
You know, zaps your aura?
It's good money.
It can't be good for you.
You know, absorbing that day after day.
It blurs your moral boundaries.
It's corrupted and, you know, it's making me feel sick,
talking to those perverts.
Fuck's sake, Mickey, if it's getting to you that much,
let's just call it a day.
They're human beings, you know.
[phone ringing]
Fuck off, filth!
Ugh!
I think you owe Mimi an apology.
I think she owes me one.
All that shit about "your lot and our glorious history."
Hundreds of years of oppression and she--
Hang on.
When I said, "your lot," I meant Man United supporters.
Who the fucking hell did you think I was talking about?
Jackson got it into his head that you were insulting us lot.
how fucking Dare you So you get into the comedy scouse gear
to get your own back.
I was illustrating a point.
That scousers are all trackie-wearing,
curly-headed scum.
No, that it's a misconception.
The same as black people eating curried
goat out of a wooden bowl.
Do you know how hard it is to find goat?
I go out of my way to provide an authentic meal.
I'm not a lover of goat.
You're right.
He is a wanker.
Well, you can take your sneery half smile and fuck off.
And I'll flush that bag of skunk I bought.
Wouldn't wanna offend.
Who's offended?
I've got the money.
It's not just about the money, Jamie.
I said I'd slip you some extra.
Call it compensation.
Your little rookie's not leaving
here without a fucking mark.
I've got you!
Hey!
You'll take the cash and leave me to sort him.
You got it?
Come on.
You think you've lost face?
What about me?
Done over by someone I had ambition for,
someone I gave a chance to, someone I trusted.
I've got something lined up for Carl.
Don't you worry about that.
Put that on.
Blindfold, you tit.
[sniffing]
No, Jamie.
Any last words, Carl?
No!
Come on.
Please, Jamie.
The birthday boy's here!
Hey!
Keep it together, bud.
Mate, I think I just pissed a bit.
You owe me.
Hey.
happy birthday.
Aw.
What's up with him? - He's overcome.
We were worried sick.
Did you do all this?
We helped out, but Jamie organized everything.
Couldn't let me mate down on his birthday now, could I?
[music playing]
The only reason decent thing to come out of Manchester
is the M62.
And the greatest football team in the land.
Wayne Rooney.
Oasis.
Lennon wannabes.
JACKSON: What about inflicting fucking Cilla on us?
Mick fucking Hucknall.
Liverpool was a city built on slavery.
I never dragged anyone out the jungle.
Sins of the fathers.
What about the sins of your fathers?
Some of them chiefs sold their own.
The black race have had to live through centuries
of oppression.
I'm a woman, black.
Scouse, black.
Fat, black.
Working class, black.
and where were you when my ancestors were starving
to death back in Ireland?
So don't talk to me about perse-fucking-cution.
We'll take your presents back to the house.
You can't trust this thieving lot.
All the best, son.
Now that you're 21, if you need any advice on women--
You cheeky twat.
Hey.
There you go, son.
Just wanted to say a few words on this special day.
Got something for you.
You grew fast.
It seems like only yesterday.
We didn't know what to get you, so we got you these.
Happy birthday.
Listen, I really appreciate this, girls,
but I'm spoken for, so--
Took your fucking time!
I'm out.
You mean, Jamie pushed you out?
My decision to walk.
Sure you done the right thing?
Absolutely.
And I've had my wings clipped for too long.
I feel like I can fly with you.
You don't half talk shit sometimes.
Well, go back now and kiss and make up.
Ah, ah, ah.
You wanted bollocks.
Don't do this for me.
I am doing this for me.
And we better on our own.
Whatever we earn is ours.
Just me and you, babe.
Bonny and fucking Clyde, eh?
We're all just standing around, stroking our cocks
for the games teacher. - You were doing so well.
Sorry about last night.
Last night?
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Didn't wait long, did you?
I didn't wait at all.
I wasn't there.
We made a date.
You made a date.
I had other arrangements.
Those girls are more your type.
Enjoy your evening.
[shouting]
MAN: Come on, Lils, get down.
Had a good night?
Yeah, thanks, Jamie.
Listen, I'm sorry I thought you were--
with the car and the blindfold.
Fucking hell, Carl.
I'm still 2 grand down, though.
You're gonna have to work that off.
I thought you wanted rid.
I took it.
You did what?
Well, it works for everyone else.
I took what was ours.
You wouldn't hand it over, so I took it!
And you're not getting an apology,
and you're not getting it back.
It was ours!
Wasn't it, Shane?
Do you know what trouble you've caused?
Wasn't it, Shane?
Shane?
Listen, I won't fuck it up again.
I know you won't.
Oh, leave him in his own vomit.
What if he chokes?
Throw tablecloth over him.
He'll be fine.
I've joined the family business.
that is funny, Carl.
Because I've just left.
I hope you know what you're getting yourself into.
It's the only fucking around here with any prospects.
You're dickhead, Carl.
A stupid, naive, little prick, who's just
made the biggest mistake of his life.
And how's that?
You'll see.
CARL: So your garden might not be all stripey lawns
and blossom trees.
Could be full of thorns, hidden dangers.
But chances are, you'll know about them.
21 years in this garden, this shit hole,
this little plot of earth.
And I want 21 more.
And I want to spend each and every one of them right here.
[theme music]
Brown girl in the ring.
Tra-la-la-la-la.
There's a brown girl in the ring.
Tra-la-la-la-la.
Brown girl in the ring.
Tra-la-la-la-la.
She looks like a sugar in a plum.
A plum!
Show me your motion.
Tra-la-la-la-la.
Come on, show me your motion.
Tra-la-la-la-la-la.
Show me your motion.
Tra-la-la-la-la-la She looks like a sugar in a plum.
A plum.