Anyone watching thinking we know fuck
all about knowing fuck all about owt needs to watch their back.
Oh!
So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk, sending
prices sky high, literally.
Literally taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your Con-Dem-Nation.
Liberals noshing Tories like alter boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke, or what?
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times-- ya, ya, ya, ya.
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now!
Party!
FRANK: People get confused about freedom as a concept.
They think freedom concerns human rights-- you know,
freedom of speech, freedom of expression,
blah, blah, fucking blah.
All bollocks.
The meaning of the word has been distorted
beyond recognition, sliced up like it can be quantified.
I'll see your freedom of assembly
and raise you freedom of association.
Three, seven, six.
Yeah?
OK, what's the card?
Hit me.
Queen of the Chezer.
Big bull to tablations.
FRANK: Ask any one of these moppets about freedom
and they'll tell you, you have no idea what it is
til it's been taken from you.
Three to the dealer, which was my size
when I came out of those bastard freezing showers earlier.
Now, who wants a card?
Hit me.
No, look, you fucking already got 20.
All right, I'll get to you.
Hey, Scanlon!
Scanlon!
Who was up front for City last night?
NURSE OVER INTERCOM: Medication time, ladies and gentlemen.
Hit me!
I will in a minute.
Scanlon!
Scanner!
Just, you know, take me now, Lord.
All right.
Well there-- hey, where do you think
she keeps her loose change?
There? Oh there?
What do you know?
Hey, come on.
Scanner!
You can't-- excuse me, luv.
Excuse me, luv.
Do you think you could just turn the music down
a bit so that perhaps the boys don't
need to shout to be heard?
Don't get upset, Mr. Gallagher.
We have a lot of old people on this ward
who wouldn't hear the music if we turned it lower.
Yeah, well, when I'm gone, they can
have it as loud as they want.
Bit in the meantime--
You're not going anywhere.
Oh, really?
And what part of blowing your examiner back in nursing school
qualifies you to make that decision?
As it happens, the length of your stay
is largely my decision.
I make a recommendation and the panel acts on it.
An abusive potty mouth is unlikely to strengthen
your case.
Potty mouth?
Potty mouth!
Am I being hospitalized in the 1950s?
Is James Robertson Justice doing the rounds?
Eh? - Your medication.
What's in it?
There's no need to be squeamish.
If you don't want to take the drugs orally,
I'm sure we can find another way to administer them.
Squeamish, .
about drugs?
Me?
I have never been so insulted.
I was just trying to figure out a way out to get his,
and hers, and hers.
You were talking about sticking them pills up me ass,
weren't you?
HOSPITAL CLERK OVER INTERCOM: Visiting is from 2:00 til 4:00,
and is permitted entirely as the discretion
of the clinical consultant.
Thank you.
That was just as helpful the first twice you told me.
My fiance was suffering from memory loss
until very recently.
Familiar objects or faces might be of value.
Couldn't you make an exception, just this once?
HOSPITAL CLERK OVER INTERCOM: No.
I want to speak to someone in charge.
Get me the chief psychiatrist!
HOSPITAL CLERK OVER INTERCOM: Yeah, that's me.
I'm the chief psychiatrist.
What do you want?
Don't be ridiculous.
You're an asshole in a crew neck sweater with epaulets.
I want someone who stayed on at school beyond year 9.
HOSPITAL CLERK OVER INTERCOM: All right, just a minute.
[beeping]
HOSPITAL CLERK OVER INTERCOM: Hello.
Yes, it's me, the professor.
What can I do for you?
Ahh!
[baby crying]
Can I have another one, Jay?
- What's wrong with that one? - Nothing.
It's just--
Please tell me you're not missing him.
Look, he's been gone three week,
and I'm only now getting the stink of piss and tobacco
out me nostrils. - What?
It's just the one time it genuinely isn't his fault,
and the whole place can't wait to put the boot in.
And we're like, we know him better than you, Libby.
He'll rob, cheat, run away.
In fairness, Cal, he has got previous.
It don't make it bad though, does it?
It's her I feel sorry for.
Women start planning their weddings when they're
little girls, don't they?
Just wait til you're her age, until you're
nearly a coffin dodger yourself, only to have it snatched away.
Oh, well, fuck all to be done.
We could put it on for her.
The wedding-- we could organize it to say sorry.
No.
We could organize it for them.
I'll spread the word.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have no new messages.
Aw.
All dressed up and nowhere to go.
What a shame
How did you get my number?
There's not much gets in my way
when there's something I want.
That do it for him, does it?
Frank?
The slutty librarian look.
It's not a look.
I am a slutty librarian-- - Huh.
Except for the slutty bit.
You've got--
You and your crippled mother are occupying my marital home,
and I would very much appreciate it if you would vacate
before I have you evicted.
I don't mean to be cruel, but Frank divorced you.
It's time to move on.
It's just all there.
When one is divorced in absentia,
one can contest it, which I have done.
And the original petitioner has 28 days in which
to challenge my challenge. Which Frank hasn't.
He's in hospital.
Well, how is poor little me to know that?
Frank's 28 days run out tomorrow, so make sure you
hand the keys over by 5:00.
You've got a house.
You don't need ours.
I know, but it's not so much about me having it,
it's more about you not having it.
It has nothing to do with the house, or Liam, or Stella.
This is about Frank.
Ha. As if.
Watch yourself, Monica.
Nothing much gets in my way either.
This is my first erection since 1987.
[knocks on door]
Mimi?
MIMI: Upstairs.
Mimi!
I'm in the--
I need your help.
I have to see Frank.
Monica's trying to nullify the divorce,
stop us getting married.
Oh, bitch.
Would it be all right if I wipe me ass first?
So he went off with the other girl,
and I never saw him again.
Is that why you tried to kill yourself, Carly?
You were ashamed?
I'm n-not ashamed.
Can you understand how it felt for a parent
to have a daughter who behaved like, well, like a slut?
I-I d-didn't do what they said!
Slut isn't my word, but it's the word others might use.
Something to add, Mr. Gallagher?
No, nothing, fuck you very much.
Perhaps the group can learn from your situation.
Well, I'm always happy to oblige,
you know, for the sake of the group.
OK, go ahead, Mildred.
Why do you think you're here, Frank?
Well, I'm here because I fight,
fuck, imbibe to excess, every day and night,
regular as religion.
And that scares the living shit out of dusty, cunted control
freaks such as your good self.
[snickers]
Is that close enough?
[laughing]
Point is, we are a community, and one of us needs some help.
We've got 24 hours to put together a wedding,
and everyone is going to play their part.
[baby crying]
I could--
I'm fine, thanks.
No, no, just try and keep up, will ya?
Superman, Spider-Man, Wizard of Oz, fictional.
Barbara Windsor, real.
NURSE OVER INTERCOM: Mr. Gallagher to reception.
Two minutes.
How did you?
I'm not allowed visitors.
I gave him chocolate.
Is that a euphemism?
You let him up the shitter?
No.
God, no.
Real chocolate.
Mimi knows everyone.
Put out feelers.
Turns out the head of security's a big, fat fella.
Do anything for a couple of airport-sized Toblerones.
I thought you'd got cold feet.
Well, I have in a manner of speaking.
Not just me feet.
The fuckers took every thread of clothing I had.
I feel so ashamed.
I believed everything they said.
That clip on the web.
Well, to be honest, I seriously considered shagging
her, just for the warmth.
But I couldn't.
I just couldn't, because of you, Libby.
I bought the new kitchen and joined in, casting stones where
no sin had been committed.
Can you ever forgive me?
Frank?
Uh, what?
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
I just Midnight Expressed for a minute there.
Monica's trying to sabotage our happiness.
We won't let her!
We've only got 24 hours, or your divorce is annulled.
I'm getting out for you.
I'll wed you, Libby Croker.
I love the bones of you, Frank Gallagher.
And I love-- did you say we got a new kitchen?
Yes.
Time.
Well, I hope we didn't stump for it.
One of the very few advantages of local authority
housing, that is.
That's what Council tax is for.
Did you get the receipts?
I'm coming home, Libby.
Mark me.
Get your kit off, Trix. Veil and all.
It's needed.
I need netting, Lillian.
Fine colored netting-- yellow, pale blue, salmon pink.
And ribbon.
That's a bastard getting haberdashery
on short notice around here.
I need mine.
Wedding favors.
Bomboniere in lace and ribbon, maybe a whisky fudge filling.
They go for five quid each in the shops, easy.
What?
Just because I'm a bloke, I'm not allowed to appreciate
a bit of decorative embroidery?
Dresser on landing, left-hand cupboard.
Just take what you need.
You're not doing malcolm Talcum in there, are you?
Do I look like I work without a harness?
I'm baking a cake for Frank and Libby.
- You? - Yes!
There is more to me than remarkably strong
pelvic floor muscles, you know.
We're out of flour.
And this young lady wants to work with children,
and bring about world peace.
This one is kind to animals--
overly affectionate, if you ask me.
Can't hear ya.
He's just a deaf and dumb Indian.
Oh, is that right, chief, eh?
You can't make a sound?
Eh?
[mockingly war whoops] Yay!
He likes to b-burn stuff.
[laughs]
What was with the Po-po-po Porky Pig routine?
You're not what's become of Gareth Gates, are you?
You've been here three weeks.
I always s-stutter.
Yes, well, I've been mashed off me fucking tits.
I couldn't have counted me own testicles, let
alone told you the therapeutic speech needs of me roommates.
So how come you're not m-mashed?
Because I've been doing this for the last 48 hours.
Spit, don't swallow.
Something me first wife lived by, mores the pity.
Believe me, it goes against the grain.
Outside I'm an outspoken advocate for pharmacology
and all its liberating qualities,
but in here they use it to keep me down.
And if I'm breaking out, kid, need a clear head.
Know what I mean?
Your fly's undone, chief.
Oy, you're free to roll your tongue back in.
I would if she stopped hanging her fanny in my face.
Besides, it's bad luck for a muff to be wearing a wedding
dress that's not hers.
[clears throat]
Call her a muff?
Besides, we don't do superstitions.
Catholics.
So was Jesus.
Didn't stop those fuckers crucifying him.
Jesus was a Catholic, killed by Muslims.
No religious disputes until after the ceremony.
I need your oven.
Ours is too small.
Sorry.
Is this OK?
Yeah.
No, it's fine.
You look like a hooker.
Thank you, mum.
A desperate middle-aged one.
I understand couples growing apart, seven-Year itch.
I've even heard of women who so repulse their men,
the poor fellas turned to homosexuality.
But to drive a man insane, to push him
over the edge of reason, that's quite a talent.
What are you doing?
Excuse me, I'm having a conversation
with my own daughter.
Have you seen it out there?
That lot will put on the Olympics
for ten bob and two milk bottle tops.
Seb Coe'll will be crying into his Pims.
I'm really touched, Mimi.
Frank would be, too.
There's not one woman on the estate
would have done any different, you know?
I let him down, Mimi.
You misjudged your fella.
It's not a fucking crime, especially considering
his previous record.
It's all for nothing.
All those good people out there.
This-- who am I think kidding?
There won't be any wedding.
Monica wins.
We lose.
That's bollocks.
He's incarcerated.
They're never going to let him out!
I don't deserve him after what I've done.
And she's pulling the strings, like a puppet master!
Ow!
I'm going to tell you something my mother told me,
and it's always stuck.
Stop moaning and feeling sorry for yourself,
you whiny little bitch!
If he matters to you so much, then get up off your arse
and go fetch him.
Hm.
And it's not just me.
Taking over the asylum, are we?
Good for you, kid.
But if it's all the same, I've got a lot on me mind.
But I thought we'd be g-g-getting out.
Yeah, well, easier said--
or not, in your case.
We've got a map.
Taber.
It's tattooed across his back.
Fucking knew "Prison Break" was realistic.
Tomorrow morning after m-meds, the orderlies go to brekky.
[chuckles]
[knock on door]
Come in.
It's Liam.
Says if I'm best man, I'm supposed to do a speech.
That's right.
I don't do speeches.
I'm the strong, silent one.
You're a shit-stirring little fucker.
Mm.
Don't know how you can stand it
here, after all he did to you.
Place makes me want to take a nail brush to my skin.
I sometimes think they should put serotonin in the water
supply for these places, do us all a favor.
Still, another 24 hours and we're done, eh?
Mm.
I do love you, Mon.
Don't know what I'd do without you.
What?
Oh, yeah, I know.
Could I have a napkin, please?
[lays on car horn]
[muttering]
Go on.
Put them in the bag.
They'll be put to good use in the outside.
Here you are, Chief.
Something to remember me by when I'm famous.
N-n-no!
You, you can't m-m-make me!
Oh, I think I can.
These are prescribed for you.
- They didn't-- - Eh?
- No! - Is this your doing?
What?
Carly hasn't taken her meds in nearly 24 hours.
It's no wonder she's feeling anxious.
Well, ramming them down her throat
with a clenched fist ain't gonna calm her down any, is it?
You're a medical practitioner now, are you?
Something else to add to your many talents.
I'm just, just-- that is not necessary!
Take your hands off me!
Don't!
Fucking ease up!
Come on, lad, I'm just trying to fucking help!
Ah!
[air rushes out of bagpipe]
[thud] [baby crying]
We're all right.
She slept from 10-to till 20-past.
Past Carl kept us company.
Right, see what I've got.
"Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the bride and groom--"
That has took me all night.
If I wanted to do fucking speeches
I would have stuck in at school.
We are fucked.
Please, can you help us?
[screams]
Oh.
And up.
And relax.
And stretch again.
All right, Mr. Gallagher?
We're in the middle of exercise.
Just pardon me.
I was just--
I'm supposed to, uh, my antipsychotic now.
Wait there, please.
Open the door!
I've got tolerance, haven't I?
That's how we used to get our kicks
when the kitty was empty--
jump leads.
Will I--
Yeah, yeah, there'll be here by the time you've said it.
Come on. Come on!
Hey.
Lovely.
You and her, and you?
Let me out!
CARLY: Frank, come on.
I've got the fucking keys, Sitting Bull.
Frank!
NURSE: Let me out!
Move.
NURSE: Let me out!
Lillian, what the fuck is that?
I've improvised.
Inspired by Versace.
Well, no wonder he got fucking shot.
Haute cuisine.
It looks like you sneezed a lucky bag onto a doily.
All right, love, let's have you.
Jimmy? - Jamie?
Yes, mate.
[irish jig plays]
Like a pig in fucking clogs.
It won't bind.
I can't make the cake fucking bind.
Come on.
You were doing so well.
No, Shane, I wasn't.
This is the only layer I could get to bind.
Fancy a bite?
Louise, these are delicate, these.
Fuck off!
You're such a women these days, I'm surprised
you're not breast feeding!
I thought you were home.
I've been in there gone an hour.
Ate one of his flipping curries.
There's nothing wrong with the cooking.
Maybe it's got something to do with the vodka ices
she was sneaking in all night.
Hold on, what's this about you drinking vodka ices?
For fuck's sake, what's wrong with you?
Eat it!
You eat it!
[interposing voices]
What's this?
Wedding by chaos theory?
[rings bell]
Right, everyone, I think it's time we got organized.
Yippee!
All right, look, look.
It's very nice and flattering.
It's like Shawn of the Fucking Dead.
I'm very proud to be captain of the merry pranksters,
but you're hardly inconspicuous, are ya?
You'll get me huckled.
Yeah.
You'll be all right.
Go on.
Go on, cowboy.
Cheer up, Charlie.
- It's C-- - Carly.
Yeah, I know.
It's just an expression.
Frank!
You'll be all right, love.
Just don't give yourself away for nothing.
I want lads to like me.
Sweetheart, any lad who likes you because you ride him behind
the pavilion's hardly likely to have your long-term
interest at heart.
OK?
Can I visit you?
Yeah, of course you can.
Have a son at home, who'll be lucky to know a lass like you.
He'll try and shag you before you get your coat off, mind,
but you know, make him wait.
Make him appreciate you.
[car honking]
Come on!
Fucking hell.
Help us out, will ya?
Oy!
Oh!
[groaning] Thank you.
Gallagher, Francis.
Must be sedated.
Go on.
[baby crying]
I gathered opinion.
It seems you might have a point.
If I had to get married in that,
I'd throw myself in front of a train.
Which would be a slow death in Manchester.
Where does that leave us?
She could use the old dress I married in--
ancient, but me mother, grandmother and great
grandmother wore it before me.
Half of the battle is knowing when you're beat.
Truth is, I can barely toast bread.
Case of ambition exceeding ability.
So what's this?
Where there's a will, Karen.
I'm going to make my contribution
to Libby personally.
Something more in line with my area of expertise.
Liam's going to email his speech over.
You can download them off the internet.
Have you got a printer?
I love it when a plan comes together.
Coming together-- now, there's a thought.
[cheers]
Libby, you look beautiful.
I'm so proud of you.
Oh, mum, I always knew it would be like this.
Thank you so much.
Hang on a minute.
You can't walk.
FRANK: It's all too perfect, isn't it?
Of course, it's a dream.
Perfect things don't happen to you, Libby.
[jeers and laughter]
My god!
[muted screams]
[coughing]
[caribbean music plays]
I think it's better than a wedding cake.
Slaved over a hot stove for these.
Second time lucky.
It's all good.
Very good.
Good choice.
Someone's coming.
[WEDDING MARCH PLAYED ON
BAGPIPES]
[door slams shut]
Oh.
I thought you might need one of these.
I had a few.
Well, they won't be going anywhere then, will they?
[door closes]
[WEDDING MARCH PLAYED ON
BAGPIPES]
I made it!
Oh, fucking hell.
[cheers and applause]
Right, so where is she?
Oh, Libby?
Thought she was with you.
[door closes]
She's probably just being fashionably late.
What's this spirit of the place?
- What have you done with her? - Who?
The geek?
I'm surprised you're not relieved she hasn't shown.
I'm fucking warning you, Monica.
I haven't done anything.
If she's not here, then she must have found sense.
One thing I will say for Chatsworth,
you do know how to party.
Did you miss me?
Any word?
Where is she?
I'm not her keeper.
Oh, but you know something.
Tell him-- or I'll take Boyzone off the jukebox.
She left before dawn.
She might have said something about going to the nut house
to fetch you out.
Oh, fuck!
- Her phone's ringing. - Libby?
Libby, is that--?
Hello?
Fuck!
Do you think we should--
Yeah, probably.
Frank!
[baby crying]
Gregory Peck and David Niven didn't
have to contend with crying infants
when they starred on "The Guns of Navarone."
Well, I couldn't leave her in the pub, could I?
That would have been irresponsible.
[explosion]
Right, what's the plan?
Shane and Ches, up the rear, coming
in a pincer movement with Jay, Matt and Carl in the corridor.
And I'm going to parascend down through the skylight.
How the fuck do I know what the plan is?
Do I look like I was in Nam?
Well, you could have been.
Altrincham maybe.
Fucking Chippenham.
Nottingham.
Cheltenham.
Didsbury.
[explosion]
I'll leave the intrigue to you lot in the cheap seats.
I'm going to get Libby.
He's like Scott of the Antarctic or summat.
It will be the drugs he's on.
They're still affecting him.
Yeah, it must be he's completely
forgotten he's an asshole.
Debenhams.
Oh, you're just looking after that for them, are you?
That way you're only taking the cash.
How dare you.
Security will--
Oh, shut up.
You're not dealing with fucking--
don't work on grown ups, love.
You can't her, you know.
Monica's moved on.
She's with me now.
She's happy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I can see that.
That's why she's hanging around my home, my pub.
Why she's trying to stop Libby and me getting hitched.
She doesn't care about that.
She's only bothered about her kids.
Can't stand the thought of them being neglected.
Oh, really?
And what kids is that then, Mildred?
Liam and Stella.
Any others?
What others?
The other five.
Oh, yeah.
Total of seven.
The one that's in there now most have
to brace itself against her side when she's taking a dump.
You stupid cow.
She's going to ditch you and run, same as she's done
with everyone else in her life.
Men like you should be locked up.
Oh, fuck.
Ah!
Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.
Hey!
Where is she, chief?
Come on, tell me and I'm out of here,
and the world's your lobster.
When the fire alarm went off, they all bolted.
Left her in the treatment room.
Bzzz!
She stumbled out 10 minutes later, all the electrodes
and stuff still on.
Follow me.
Come on.
Ah, knock yourself out.
Taking a piss?
Frank!
Libby's in the Jockey. - What?
There's still time.
[baby crying]
Have we got time for a pint?
In a while.
Move.
[sobbing]
[door closes]
Ah!
Frank!
Frank, listen.
Maybe it isn't about the kids.
Maybe Esmeralda here isn't entirely wrong.
About what?
We've been through a lot together, eh?
A whole lifetime together.
Oh shit.
No, it's only the finality of the divorce
that's made me realize that I still want to be--
no, I need to be, Monica Gallagher.
Oh.
She had you sectioned.
Yeah, only because I wanted to keep ya.
It was always you, Frank.
Yeah, well, it was Norma for the while.
Yeah.
Then nurse fucking lobotomy in there.
Ian's dad, the hypnotist.
The bloke from the dole.
The mechanic when we wanted a spark-plug that time.
Yeah, I know.
I've made mistakes-- we both have.
But I'm back.
I'll always come back.
The others don't matter.
I know now you're the one.
Yeah, but you're not.
She is.
Oh.
Ah!
The fuck's going on?
I knew you'd come.
Wait! Wait a minute.
Oh, fuck.
Say it, Carl. What?
Dad, no.
You don't need your speech Carl.
They're not getting married.
We had to let the priest go. - Oh!
It's not my speech.
It's from Liam.
"Carl, if you read this out loud it means you haven't
looked at the speech I've sent you
till the last possible moment.
And so are completely unaware that this is a letter
from me and not a speech."
[laughter]
Twat.
I'll, um, I'll skip.
"Dad, I know you must think, but I didn't betray you
on that stag night, mum did so she could have you locked up,
grab hold of me and Stella, and use us to get
a decent house off the Council.
You fucking what?
Love, have you any idea how long
the list is for a single woman?
I'm with child.
"But don't blame mum.
Don't hate her.
Life didn't deliver what mum hoped.
She's found that harder than most.
It's damaged her.
But she's my mum, and that's why I'm going to stay with her."
[murmuring]
"I'm going to fix her if I can.
Because if I can love her, then maybe she can love herself.
So, Carl, you twat, don't come after me.
It's where I want to be.
Love you.
Goodnight and good luck, Liam."
Can't half drone on that Liam, eh?
Thought he'd never shut up.
You did good.
Hear, hear.
Shame they couldn't actually get wed after all
that though, isn't it? - Kind of sweet though.
Do you think they're kinky weird, or just weird?
Do you fancy a--
Yeah, I do.
And I have done all day, desperately.
So much so, I had to tape me stiffy to me belly.
I was going to say pakora.
But if you want to come back to my bed--
I do--
OUR bed.
[cheers]
Now.
I want you now.
Is it how you imagined it?
No.
Not remotely.
Not even a little bit.
Oh, what they've done for us, it's incredible.
Yeah, you're right.
It's usually they're cunts.
And I wouldn't mourn any one of them.
But you know, these past couple of days,
yeah, they're all right.
They're all right.
We're soul mates, Frank.
Yeah.
You know, it's great and all that,
but about this kitchen, what the fuck was wrong with me old one?
[laughing]
(MUSIC PLAYING) I remember, I remember when I lost my mind.
There was something so different about that place.
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space.
Does that make me crazy?
FRANK: Freedom isn't unquantifiable.
You can't measure it.
It's a feeling you either have or you don't.
One man's straight jacket is another man's keys
to the kingdom.
[theme music]
WOMAN'S VOICE: Gallagher, you're barred.
Fucking scousers.
Knew it.
Oh, me arse.