[tapping on camera]
Anyone watching, thinking we know
fuck all about knowing fuck all about,
needs to watch their backs.
Ow!
So you've had your Labour reclassifying scum,
sending prices sky high, literally-- literally-- taking
the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your condemnation,
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dim sum.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester!
And they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a cloud, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land.
And ancients are yak, yak, yak, yak, yak.
It's not theirs anymore!
This is our England now!
[crowd cheering]
Party!
[theme music]
[baby crying]
You sure about this?
For me, head on and then it's done.
KAREN MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): In years gone by,
they would have tied me to a chair
and drowned in a village pond.
They A shaved my head, branded me, set fire to me,
stuffed me inside a fucking [inaudible] to purify my soul.
Woe be tide any woman who strays, who dreams of something
other, dares to make a mistake.
[banging]
Fucking slag!
Slag!
She's a slag!
KAREN MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): I've made mistakes.
Maybe more than most.
Aren't they mine, though?
My mistakes, my guilt.
Karen!
KAREN MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): Or do a woman's
mistakes belong to everyone?
Slag!
[music playing]
On your toes, they'll be here in a minute.
You haven't seen my manicure set, have you?
I can't find the fucking thing anywhere!
What does it look like?
It's a 24 piece--
nail clippers-- fingers and toes--
assorted files, scissors, cuticle pushers, razor
sharp tweezers-- two sets--
[screaming]
A leather pouch.
No, love.
I can't picture it.
Should we get a new one?
It's antique.
We'll never track one down.
Besides, it's the last thing my mom gave me before--
you know.
Sentimental value.
[music from radio]
Hi. And how are you?
How's the kids?
Good, thanks.
How about yourself?
Haven't seen you for ages.
Like it wasn't bad enough, you've
taken to dressing like a whore.
Where's your dignity, woman?
I'm celebrating my freedom.
I'm not dead yet.
Not from you.
From a life of heartache and disappointment at the hands
of an alcohol sodden cuckold.
Oh.
Frank Gallagher.
I can certainly drink to his demise.
Finished with that? I'm gone.
Excuse me.
You all right?
Are you ready for this?
[interposing voices]
[pub quieting]
Take her, mom.
[baby crying]
This applies to everyone--
family and all-- you've got 30 seconds to say your piece.
Free for all.
After that, if I hear one bad word against my wife,
I swear to God I'll nail your fucking
kneecaps above the door.
Go.
Whore!
MAN 1: Slag!
Cunt!
I fucking hate you for what you did to him.
But if he can forgive you, then so should we.
I always knew you was a--
Good.
That's done then.
(SINGING) Follow you until you love me, papa--
paparazzi!
[humming]
Hey, can I ask you something?
Right.
Is it definitely illegal to have a wank in a public place?
I don't see it, mate. It must be because she's family.
It would be like banging one off to my gran.
- That's sick. - What?
And you having a wank in the middle of the shop
is totally reasonable?
I'm sorry, Lillian.
Oh.
You were there?
Understandable.
She's a [inaudible] thing, ain't she?
What's she so happy about anyway?
The university posts her medical exam
results online at dinner time.
Not dinner time, lunch time.
Oh!
Right now, in fact.
A funny word-- wank. Don't you think?
It's an old air force term.
They used to call the beds wank pits.
It's not usually the first thing that
comes to mind when you think about [inaudible],, having
a wank.
[screaming]
[panting]
What's wrong?
Try and breath, Sita.
Try and breath.
[inaudible] first year medical--
fail, fail, fail.
She failed.
[panting]
DOCTOR: It looks like he's going through REM.
[inaudible] sedated.
He's a violent schizophrenic with multiple personalities
and not one of them has a good hair cut.
[laughing]
Fuck all wrong with me hair.
Classic.
[old jazz music playing]
Hello?
Shop?
Self-service, is it?
Nope.
This isn't real.
To the rest of the world, no.
But to you, it's very real.
I'm your subconscious.
The pleasure is all illusory.
Oh, I'm quite pleased to know my subconscious has got style.
I fucking bet you are.
I'm a better quality of hallucination
you've endured of late.
"Doctor Who"?
"Alien"?
"Close Encounters of the '70s Kind"?
It's like a journey through a masturbating
batch of a DVD collection.
You must be fucking delighted to see me.
You've clambered to the surface
of my mind to ridicule me about my taste
in science fiction films?
Don't mention science fiction ever.
It's unbecoming in a man of your age.
Oh, I-- I--
I'm not what you expected.
Did you see that your subconscious
might harbor your better self?
A caring father, an attentive husband,
a considerate neighbor.
The real Frank-- a good man trapped deep
by the iniquities of society.
Well, maybe.
Wake up and smell the stale odor of your own shit, Frank.
I'm it.
I am the pictured in Dorian Gray's fucking attic.
I am that nasty, sick, fucking vile stuff, which makes you--
you-- the good bit.
You are the better self.
[dramatic laughter]
Right.
Well, you better get the system checked then because I
need to make this order.
That is the password.
I should know.
It's my name on the account.
I am the-- - I've got it.
Let me. - What?
Give me the phone, love.
Hello.
The password is Donnegal1607.
Close of business? Great.
Thanks.
We changed the name on the account.
When you're left with Jo.
I understand.
It made sense.
That's not all.
You were ill.
I had to protect myself.
You're not the licensee, Karen.
I am.
[music playing]
[knocking]
[music from headphones]
[whistling]
[glass breaking]
[music from headphones]
Hello?
Who's there?
[music playing]
Shit.
[door slamming]
Come on, then!
Oh!
[grunting]
Yeah! You like that?
You want some more, do you?
Bloody hell!
It's a minor cut. Get off!
Jackson, you've got blood all over your face.
Leave me alone. I'm all right.
Stand still!
AVRIL POWELL: Sorry, I had to call.
LIBBY CROKER: It's fine.
We were just in the pub.
What kind of animal are you?
He's 13 years old.
Uh-- he attacked me.
Well, did he steal your lunch money as well?
Give you a wedgie?
I shouted warnings three times--
please, sir, I've come to stay with my auntie.
Don't hurt me!
You poor thing.
We appreciate your vigilance, even if it
was a little enthusiastic.
I'm sure there's no need to press charges.
Charges?
Come on, Jackson.
Auntie, should we seek compensation?
That's it, you little--
AVRIL POWELL: Jackson!
Come on.
Listen to me, you little shit hawk,
if you think I bought one ounce of the manure
you just tried to peddle, you've got another thing coming.
Now empty your pockets to pay for the window you broke.
I've heard all about you.
You're a witch.
And every bit of a true.
I thought he'd fool you.
We're Catholics, Elizabeth.
Present a united front to the outside world,
bash the living shit out of each other behind closed doors.
It's the way things have always been.
I already told you--
I put The Jockey in my name to protect it, to protect us.
I understand.
Some things happened because I was ill.
Some things just happened.
I know I've got to earn your trust,
Jamie, before it's permanent.
I just need some time.
Then you've got it.
Two more weeks.
[music playing]
I miss who we used to be.
Where the fuck are those people?
[knocking]
Come.
Sita!
Please, sit.
I thought I might see you today.
I know how much this means to you.
I-- I thought I'd done well.
You did.
You did very well.
But it's hard and not everyone's cut out for it.
- I am! - Maybe nursing.
I want to be a doctor.
I'd be a good doctor.
I gave everything.
Perhaps not everything.
I'd like for you and I to have sex, Sita.
A lot of sex.
Mostly conventional, but sometimes themed.
Then I might be tempted to give you a second chance.
I'm sorry about your window, auntie.
I wasn't sure it was the right house.
Shut up with your bollocks, son.
I don't button up the back.
What did they tell you when they sent you to me?
My mom's up in court--
shoplifting.
A misunderstanding.
Plead guilty-- 80 hours community service, max.
[music from radio]
Fresh start.
Behave yourself while you're under my roof,
we'll get along fine.
What are you?
Id?
Ego?
Super-- gas?
Freud?
Really?
A pussy weak, Viennese sissy with a mother fixation.
One size fits all theory applies to
the entire, piss-show wonders of the Chatsworth human zoo,
does it?
You got a mouth like a sewer.
I'm your subconscious.
What did you expect?
The charm of Cary Grant, the charisma of Paul Newman
crossed with the cock of Errol Flynn?
No.
But maybe a touch more pleasant than you crossed with the cock
Errol Flynn-- yeah.
Embrace who you are.
I can't.
I'm still looking for answers.
Don't waste your time, [inaudible]..
You have no better self, no moral compass lurking
deep inside, no paternal goodness, no honesty,
no kindness, no deep desire to love, and cherish,
and commit to Libby Croker.
You are, in fact, mearly the sum of all
your behavior and nothing more.
This is as good as it gets for you, Frank.
Cheers.
[music playing]
(SINGING) Hush little baby, don't say a word.
Papa's going to buy you a talking bird.
Yes, he is.
A word.
Yeah.
You know that little, uh-- little tool
kit that I lent you?
Tweezers, pliers, little nail files--
really little stuff, good for getting into small places.
[music playing]
Do you know, you'd suit a Brazilian, Barry?
I think I know the one, yeah.
Good.
I need it back.
Pronto.
And it's not a talking bird, you're fucking moppet.
It's a mockingbird.
Mocking bird.
Those clothes are so inappropriate, you
almost qualify as a fetish.
Laugh it up.
I've had a lifetime of it.
Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we?
I am not sorry for myself, mother.
I am devastated for myself.
Kids with curly hair to a man who could dance.
That was my dream.
Not much to ask for, was it?
Have you seen my purse?
I'm sure it was in my bag.
4643.
[moaning from computer]
Croker. Yeah.
C-R--
Aidan!
What?
It won't say porn on your bill.
Is she all right?
Mom?
The little grooming set I lent you.
- No. - Yeah.
Nail files, scissors, tweezers.
I think I remember it.
Yeah.
I need it back.
All right, baby father.
I'll have a look.
No, it's a grooming emergency.
I said I'll look.
What's a mocking bird?
A girl who tells you the truth about your performance in bed.
Now fuck off.
Hi, love.
Can I have a large vodka, please.
Anything in it?
No.
You don't drink.
So what did he say?
I passed.
Flying colors, every subject.
Must be made up.
He said he won't form--
[coins clanking]
He said he won't formalize the results until I--
until I fuck him.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
You'd think the clever ones would be spared it.
Will one of you drink that for me, please?
I'm meeting him tomorrow.
[music playing]
MAN 2: Whoa!
[whistling]
Wow!
Remember me?
All right.
Who needs a beer?
The usual, please, Karen.
Are you OK, son?
Yeah.
Just great.
I know it's not a great time, but that little manicure
set I borrowed you--
The what?
Little scissors, nail files.
[grunting]
[metal clanging]
I'm not sure I've still got all the bits, mom.
No matter.
Whatever is there, I need it, quick style.
Yeah.
Sure.
[music playing]
Libby?
Yes, love?
I think Aidan's left something for you.
Oh.
Oh, fuck off.
I just want to have my pint in peace.
Believe me, if I could go, I would.
You're my subconscious, right?
So that every thought I have ultimately begins with you.
I won't deny it.
So despite your rather gloomy outlook on my person,
on my character, how come I want nothing
more than to get the fuck out of here, find Libby Croker,
and put a song in her heart, and a smile on her sweet,
kind, corny, red mouth?
You can't hide behind word play with me.
Alliterations no replacement for substance.
I love her.
And I want to marry her.
No, you fucking don't.
Whose benefit is that for?
There's only us here.
And we both know you're only living,
breathing concern is for yourself
and your own gratification.
Fuck Libby Croker and anyone else who gets in the way.
Fuck them all.
Have any.
No.
Oh, don't take the huff.
Don't try and prove me wrong.
You'll just embarrasses us both.
Who do you think you are?
Maximus fucking gladiator, off to demonstrate your nobility?
Now there's a film.
And it's not science fiction.
I'll be seeing you again.
I'm not so easy to put back in my box.
Fuck them all.
[footsteps]
Who the fuck are you?
I'm your feminine side.
We're not really in touch.
[gasping]
You tired?
Absolutely shattered, as it goes.
Your mom's upstairs with Connor.
We used to be these people.
It's been a long day.
This is what I remember.
- Stop it, please. - What's wrong?
You're trying too hard.
You're too desperate.
I'm sorry.
The poor, little [inaudible] thinks his mother's in court
for shoplifting.
You'll excuse my mother's casual racism.
So what's she really done?
Sinead, his mother, my niece, is
a fan of the intravenous drugs.
And she's been on the game, on and off,
for years to pay for it.
Was she a prozzy?
So where's Aidan now?
Still in bed.
He is not.
He left the house at crack of arse.
He was taking a piss out the bathroom window.
Now I'm as liberal as the next man,
but my daughter saw his thing!
Sita-- she slept over.
I told her we pay her tutor a little bit,
but she won't she have.
Said it's her problem.
I want to shake his hand.
You shut the fuck up.
See you later.
Where are you going?
I've got a date.
She's not going to go through with it.
Oi!
In a hurry?
Well--
Good.
I want to talk.
When I was 15, I used to give hand jobs to a lad with a face
like lava flowing down the side of a volcano
because he'd left school, had a Volkswagen golf,
and could drive us to all the pubs in the town center.
It was like a transaction.
I'm not proud.
So I'm supposed to just have sex with this creep?
Good god, no.
I never said that.
Sex is the commodity.
He's risking a lot to get into your pants.
He must really want it.
And you've got it by the bucket load,
if you don't mind me saying.
That puts you in a very powerful position.
Time to get smart.
What happened to the guy with the Volkswagen?
I married him.
Oh, fuck!
You all right?
Just surprised.
I wanted to ask, that little nail
file set I lent you with scissors and shit,
I need it back quickly.
You all right, girls?
[giggling]
Yeah. I know it.
I know where it is.
As soon as you can, yeah?
But there's a couple of bits missing though.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, Karen, no.
Don't leave.
I'm sorry about last night.
Will you shut up?
I'm only going for the day.
I'll be back tonight, tomorrow at the latest.
I'm going in as an outpatient.
I'm going to get my blood levels checked and my meds assessed.
It's nothing to freak out about.
There's no reason to panic.
Trial and error until we get the meds right.
That's going to be norm for me, for a while, anyway.
Don't bother with my tea.
I'll get chips.
Where did you get the money for chips?
I blame the demise of capital punishment.
You mean corporal.
Do Do I?
It's sex, aggression.
It's stealing, lying, cursing.
He's a bad, little bastard all right.
Are you going to eat that cake?
I'm waiting till my tea cools.
I mean, who leaves a jobby in the fridge?
It's done to shock, to provoke a reaction.
I would have rubbed his face in it.
He comes across as all little, big man, but he's not an adult.
He's a child.
Broken home, his mother walking the streets
to support her addiction.
He's crying out for help.
He's crying out for a toe up the ass.
And if you're not careful, he'll run rings around you.
They can smell a soft touch a mile off.
I am not a soft touch.
Oh!
Will you get the sole of my foot, will you?
It's a terrible itch!
Ah!
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Yes, speaking.
Actually, no.
I wasn't aware Sinead had named me next of kin.
Where is she?
Oh, mother of god!
No, thank you.
We'll wait for your call.
They've sent Sinead to prison for 18 months.
That poor boy.
Hm.
I suppose he'll have to stay here, with us.
Over my dead body!
Frank?
Hi, Karen.
Frank?
Oh, what the fuck?
Is this another dream?
Because I've just about had it with fucking dreams.
What are you going on about, you tit?
And where have you been?
Everybody's been frantic.
Go on.
Just-- just-- all right.
It's all right.
I'm just-- just tell me something that I couldn't
possibly know, just to prove that you're real
and not some drug induced hallucination.
- Fuck off! - Please!
No!
Please!
Jamie's cum tastes of asparagus.
[inaudible].
Well, he eats it instead of snacks,
like a healthy kick thing.
It's got vitamin A and vitamin C, so his jizz--
I really hope that you're real because is
my subconscious invented that, I'm more
than fucked up than I thought.
[crying]
Are you all right?
Oh, I--
I don't know, kid.
Everybody's been worried.
Libby-- she's-- have you been here this whole time?
I'm not sure.
Why is he always sucking that stuff?
Don't know.
By the way, that nail clipper thing you wanted,
I lent it to her.
Lillian?
I was using the file to scrape off sell by dates.
Asked if she could borrow it.
Personal grooming set?
[inaudible]
Sweet.
I think I give it to Brandy, though.
And you gave it to Trisha.
And she lost it.
Can I have the keys to the flat?
You're not shagging your tutor in my flat.
No, I'm not, but he's coming here.
I need somewhere to get ready.
I can hardly meet him at uni, can I?
[music from radio]
This isn't as much fun as I thought.
What?
Is that all you got to say?
She's your cousin.
It bothers you so much, go do something about it.
Fine.
I will.
Sita, wait!
Don't do it.
What?
Being a doctor, it's just a job.
There's other jobs.
Not for me.
I've worked for this.
Told everyone it's what I'm going to be.
And who gives a fuck what everyone else thinks?
I failed.
I failed, all right?
And he's offered me a way ahead.
What a scumbag.
Me or him?
Let me help.
Thanks, Carl.
I just wasn't sure how he'd take it.
When you called, I thought it was about my dad.
Why would I call about him?
I have no interest in him.
[laughing]
You might have no interest, but he's still my dad.
He's still missing.
[whimpering]
What?
Come into the living room. Sit.
No.
What?
Is it my mom?
[whimpering]
Look, I know she's a tart.
Watch your mouth!
Well, she is.
So what?
She's an addict.
She needs to get money.
What have they done to her?
Your moms in jail, kiddo.
How long?
18 months.
[crying]
I want my mom!
Well, don't just stand there!
[crying]
I think these a very good idea, at least for tonight.
How is he?
I think the poor kid's always annoying,
but Sinead was on the game.
It's still his mom, though.
[AIDAN CRYING THROUGH BABY MONITOR]
We'll keep him here then.
Is that all right?
Yeah.
Of course, it is.
He's had a lot to deal with.
[fake crying]
I hate them all judging me.
FRANK GALLAGHER: Who?
Everybody.
Punters, family, Jamie.
I can feel their eyes on me.
Fuck them all.
Is that your considered opinion--
fuck them all?
No, not literally.
Mind you, there was a time, back in the day,
when I wouldn't have put it past you.
Anyway, who are they to cast a stone at you, eh?
Let he who is without sin, et cetera.
Why would you waste the energy giving a shit?
It doesn't have to be unpleasant.
We can be friends.
This isn't how you make friends.
Friendships don't recover from beginnings like this.
Irony is I had a crush on you.
It wouldn't have taken much.
It seems we both have something the other desires.
[music from radio]
I want to fuck you.
Now.
Sorry?
Here.
Now.
Now?
Give me a minute, then follow.
[music playing]
[groaning]
Take your trousers down.
Pull yourself off.
I want you ready.
I'm so nearly there.
Oh!
I wasn't expecting to run this hard.
This will be better.
This will be a better angle.
[groaning]
Oh, that's good!
Oh!
[grunting]
Ow!
That hurt!
What's-- who are you?
You're a fucking scumbag!
Wait!
All right.
I'll pass you.
Next time, I want to earn it.
Not like this-- by studying.
Whatever you want.
Go on, Sita.
I'll catch you up.
Your girlfriend?
And why would that matter?
Ow!
[moaning]
What have they got you on? [inaudible]?
None of your business.
You should tell Libby.
Not fair.
We'll sort it out when I see her.
It'll be fine.
I don't know about that, Frank.
She's a mess.
She thinks you've done a runner.
Well, I haven't.
I've just been lost.
Still, the whole tramp thing.
I mean, I've had problems, but there's no video evidence.
It's just been a misunderstand--
what tramp thing?
YouTube.
Out and about on your stag night, some biddy riding you
like there's no tomorrow.
I never shagged her.
It looks like you shagged her.
Oh, you couldn't get a stiffer.
What? No.
No, smart ass.
Little Frank can still conduct a bill
in Philharmonic, if required.
Fucking-- I need to get back home, Karen.
I need to see her.
You all right?
Did you--
I don't really want to talk about it.
Is it all right if I stay over and maybe watch a film?
Of course.
Sita, I'm sorry.
Right.
So we've got "An Education," "To Sir, With Love."
Are you sure? That's a--
Yeah.
I know what it is.
What is it?
"Throbbing Hood, Prince of Meat."
I've got the horn, all right?
It's not a crime.
Poor kid!
How long is he going to be with you?
Well, as long as.
Who knows what shape his mom will be in when she gets out.
The things we do to our kids, eh?
Everything we do has an impact.
You could almost see all your own flaws and failings
in the character of your kids.
Libby's flaws and failings are entirely her own.
LILLIAN: I had it in my hand.
Ches and his cousin lent it to me.
So where the fuck is it, then?
I gave it to Trixie.
She's got a terrible, ingrown toenail.
That's the last that was seen of it.
It's been lifted from her room.
It's an antique. Irreplaceable.
Yeah.
A precious family heirloom.
You were supposed to look after it.
You know, I trusted you.
But I trusted her.
Not-- if you can't trust your own mom, then--
Hold the accusations.
My eldest was in need and I gave it to him.
Show me a mother who wouldn't!
And I lent it to a fucking Gallagher
and now it got robbed out of a brothel!
Am I getting the fucking blame?
Does no one in this place ever take responsibility
for their actions?
[music from radio]
Actually, it's here.
It's been here all the time.
Bottom of my bag.
You must have lifted it from Trixie's room.
Come to think of it, I must have done it.
Oi, [inaudible].
This belongs to me.
What?
Property of P. Croker.
[music playing]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
But what was all that shit about, oh, god, the last thing
that my mother ever gave me?
Well, I couldn't remember where I fucking got it!
Well, actually, I've been--
Don't you ever fucking jump back--
Why am I part of this?
I gave it to him, he gave it to me!
[screaming]
I didn't see you come in. Everything all right?
Yeah.
Did they say much?
MIMI MAGUIRE: And you, you're robbing--
I spoke to a wise man, though.
He told me never let anyone cast the first stone.
A wise man?
Well, he's a complete asshole, but the sentiment is the same.
That reminds me.
[screaming]
Frank!
My Frank!
I never doubted you for a second!
KAREN MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): Nature is a total bastard.
We're all defined by it, trapped by it.
It is true.
I have breasts, a vagina, reproductive organs.
I know men are genetically programmed to want that.
But it's not nature that judges us, that pigeonholes us,
calls us slags for the clothes we wear, the life we want,
the sex we have.
It's not nature that puts us in prison.
I, for one, am tired of being judged.
I'm done with that.
[theme music]
[music playing]
[toilet flushing]
Who the fuck are you?
I'm penis envy.
[fly zipping]