[music playing]
Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing
fuck all owt needs to watch their back.
So you've had your labor reclassifying skunk, sending
prices sky high, literally.
Literally taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your condemnation.
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke So or what?
Is revolution a word or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Yak, yak, yak.
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now.
Party!
NARRATOR: Stay in school, kids.
Don't die of ignorance.
Just say no.
Checkmate.
NARRATOR: Shane Maguire.
Fighting for peace and unity in our community.
SHANE (VOICEOVER): You know, when I was at school,
not that I went much, they asked me what
I wanted to be when I grew up.
And I wrote down, Jamie Maguire.
They told me I didn't understand the assignment.
And I told them I did, perfectly.
You see, those that can do, and those
that can't, jog on, knobheads.
The school contract's too risky, and it's shit money.
Hear him out.
With these, today Saint Morrissey's comp,
tomorrow every school in a 50 mile radius.
All thanks to this fucking genius.
I directed it.
Pass us those sausages, son.
We already make triple from security jobs
for building sites and they don't
bring the police to our door.
Working with kids.
CRB check.
We've been careful to tell the truth,
even if we we've had to make it up.
Gonna finish that?
Hot off the counterfeit press.
I've told them we vet our own staff
and it saves them money having to do their own checks.
And who's going to be out collecting while you're
fucking around schools?
I'll get staff.
Pay is not enough to cover costs for staff, Shane.
He's right.
We can't afford it.
Sorry.
What's that in aid of?
New kitchen.
With the wedding money.
A new kitchen won't bring Frank back.
We don't want him back.
You should have let the beastly Monica
take the whole clan while you had the chance.
Now we're left living like paupers in this shit hole
looking after their kids.
It's madness.
I am making the best of a bad situation.
It's not too late.
You have all that money.
Don't waste it.
We can leave, buy our own place, fresh start, you and me.
We're getting a new kitchen.
It's my destiny.
We're getting a fucking kitchen.
Oh, baby, I'm sorry--
Sponge bath.
Dear Timmy, I'm sorry your dirty protest for our rights
to a conjugal didn't work.
Bastards.
I hope this sexy picture of me murdered, like one
of your victims, as requested in your last letter,
makes it past the prison guards and brings you warmth
in your lonely isolation.
Kiss, kiss, Micky Maguire.
You've not long suffered a major heart attack,
and to be blunt, I'm concerned.
When someone's gone through what you have, they can go two ways.
Wrap themselves in cotton wool and live like a nun,
or like you seize the day.
Neither work.
Both end up dead as a dodo.
I've seen hundreds of times.
Doctors will tell you if you can't do
things in moderation, abstain.
Well, I say fuck that and fuck them.
I can give you a few healthy lifestyle options.
Give you a good balance, so you're not
giving up everything you love.
And by the time I'm done, you'll outlive all of them.
And what qualifies you like?
Health care receptionist for 10 years.
I'm practically a certified GP.
And I only charge a fiver a sesh.
Duty calls.
Legs in the air time for me.
Early night for you.
School in the morning.
Nah, it were a shit idea.
Because Jamie said.
I can't believe you're even working for him after he fucked
you over, fucked us all over.
Now he's got the business, this pub,
and he'll probably take everything
we've got if you let him.
Fiance's jilted me.
Ran off on his stag night god knows where.
I'm thinking of suing him for breach of promise.
Got to catch the bastard first.
Aren't you hot?
Hotter than a peppered fart.
Yeah, no.
PATTY: Libby, I need the toilet.
How did you get to be so bold?
How do you become so confident?
So unselfconscious.
PATTY: I'm touching cloth, Libby.
I have been living like a fucking Stepford
wife since the age of five.
[crying]
Hey.
Hey, hey.
Men are like a pack of cards.
You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them,
a club to work them, and a spade to bury the fuckers.
[laughter]
Useless pigs.
From now on, my romantic night in
will be a bottle of wine for foreplay
and a full finger boogie to finish me off.
Well, I've found there's only so
long I can go without a shag, you know, a proper shag.
Anyone'd do me, especially the new priest
at church, Father Dooley.
Religion's never been so sexy.
[laughter]
Who's that?
Poco, me ex.
He was a scouser.
Do you know him?
As fucked up as that question is, I do, as it happens.
He used to sell weed from the back of a caravan.
And every time he sold an ounce, he'd go, "buzzing, laughing,
toffee apple kidda."
[laughter]
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
[laughter]
Drip the hot wax into the water,
and whatever shape it makes will show your heart's desire.
Oh.
It's a butterfly.
It looks like a cock.
Looks like a minge.
[laughter]
It's only a bit of fun.
[music playing]
SINGER: Hey.
Teacher, leave them kids alone.
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.
[bell rings]
Wait a sec.
I fucking warned you.
Behave!
How do you feel about mentoring?
There's a year seven pupil, Jude Kendo.
Really bright, lots of promise.
But he's been having problems.
Lacks confidence.
Bullied mercilessly.
And?
Got an idea who's targeting him, but Jude won't tell.
I think he would really benefit from someone like you.
There's a small fee available for the mentoring association.
His name is Jude and he's a ginger?
Jude the ginge?
Ginger Judy?
Poor bastard.
TIMMY (VOICEOVER): Micky, good news.
Parole's been granted.
By the time you get this, I'll be on my way to you.
I can't wait for us to be united.
A promise is a promise, and I'm going to bum you paraplegic.
Love you lots and jelly tots.
Timmy.
LIBBY: Frank, can you hear me?
Over.
Loud and clear.
Over.
LIBBY: Come back to me.
Over. - Coming.
Do you want to pick you up something
from the shops on the way over?
Over.
LIBBY: Milk and tea bags.
Over.
Quick, they're coming!
Over.
Who are they?
I can't see them.
Over.
LIBBY: Move, Frank, move! Go!
Over.
Who are they?
I can't see.
What's going on?
Over.
LIBBY: They're in the ceiling shafts.
Nice one.
What the fuck?
For emergencies.
- What kind of emergencies? - I don't know.
Some little twat goes psycho with a knife or something.
It stays in the locker.
Last resort only.
Don't you ever knock?
You haven't been turning up for our power walks.
And I'm sure I saw you at the shop earlier.
You looked at me and you ran off.
Wasn't me.
Anyway, the boys got me some stuff.
They're looking after me now.
See?
You OK?
I'm tired.
Shattered myself.
I've not had a decent night's kip since I
slapped a sex ban on Jackson.
Meems?
I just popped in to ask if you could give
us a hand with some painting.
I think it will be a really good exercise.
Just a few skirting boards.
Why are you so interested in me?
I care.
You still owe me a fiver.
Pay me later.
[kids yelling]
Oy, you little fuckers.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's all right, Ches.
Ches, it's just fight club.
I can stop them kicking the crap out of each other
on the playground.
They're only gonna fight after school.
And then what?
Stabbed?
Shot in a park for being dissed in the classroom?
Boys need to be boys.
And this is a better way for them to sort out their shit.
Peters versus Manning.
Is Place your bets.
Place your bets.
Thank you very much.
I didn't know he'd be getting parole, did?
And that's not the worst of it.
He wants me to do all these sick sex things with him
which end up with me either dead or him frying me cock in a pan.
He knows me name, where I live, everything.
I got desperate.
That's why I started writing the letters.
I just needed someone.
You need to come out.
Don't you think I've tried?
Fish fingers for tea?
Yeah.
What are you watching?
I've seen this one.
The turtle gets twatted.
I just think you need to be more direct.
But I can't say it.
Every time I try, the words just won't come out.
Micky, pass the salt.
By the sound of things, you won't have to when he turns up.
If I get found dressed in suspenders,
strangled by a pair of pantyhose, on your head be it.
New clothes?
New me.
Same again, Jay.
Will you stick us down for paintballing as well?
I can pay you now.
And uh, whatever she's having there.
Double.
Flush, are we?
It's payday.
Shane's raking it in at school.
Waiting for a hot date?
A mate.
Yeah, he's dead hard.
Built like a brick shithouse and mental.
He'll fuck you up if you take the piss.
Just asking.
No, I mean, I thought we could use him,
you know, send him on hits what we need done.
Sounds dangerous.
TIMMY: Micky? - Don't hurt me.
I'm with child.
Who the fuck are you?
Timmy.
I don't really want to wear your bollocks as earrings.
That was my cell mate.
You were writing to him, but he's illiterate.
I replied to your letters instead.
That's how it started.
Thought if you knew the truth, you'd stop.
I should have known. The name's a dead giveaway.
Fucking Timmy?
I poured me heart out in those letters.
And they inspired me to be who I am.
A twisted sex cannibal?
Gay.
I'm married.
Does she know she's a beard?
I tried to tell her.
The words just won't come out.
I want to be like you.
Out and proud.
You need someone?
A place to stay?
I can't face me wife.
Not tonight.
What's wrong?
You don't see it?
You body's decent.
Nice legs.
Ass is pert.
And round.
Really top.
Boobs are I, uh, need the bog.
Thank you, Carl.
Micky.
Me head's sticking to the carpet?
Can I sleep in the bed with you?
Go to sleep.
- Please? - No funny business.
[crying]
Shh.
What's up?
Put a 50% cut of what you're making into the family.
You wanted nowt to do with it.
JAMIE (ON PHONE): That's before I
found out you were pulling a few more
ton with your extracurricular.
Come here, you little queer.
[laughter]
Is that the way way you want it?
Tough shit.
It's mine and Kelly's.
Shane.
I'm supposed to be your mentor.
Not doing a very good job of it, am I?
Mentoring the wrong brother.
And heads up on the evil twin would have been nice though.
He's the one bullying you, isn't he?
Did he do that?
What you doing after school?
Two words. Mutton.
I have two words for you.
Nursing home.
I'm not letting you take me to the doctor's
dressed like a slapper.
I'm not taking you anywhere.
You're too old to be behaving like a rebellious teenager.
You think that's what men want?
What I want.
Men want class, decency.
I have more to offer than you, even at my age.
Oh.
Boys, if you had to choose, this or that?
Ridiculous.
To make a fair point, she may be disabled,
but she's still in perfect working order,
if you catch my drift.
Disgusting.
Drink at the Jockey later?
A thank you for all your hard work.
Look after Stella.
Doctors.
I have an appointment of my own, 20 years overdue.
That is.
It's me dad.
It's tramp sex.
I told you.
It's been making the rounds.
Facebook, mobile phones.
And look at the date.
That was his stag night.
Knew it.
He's a fucking prick.
We can email the poster and find out more info.
See if he's been spotted anywhere else.
Keep it between us though, yeah?
Libby's just getting over my dad doing one.
So not a word.
Not yet.
Help!
LIBBY: No one can hear you scream in space.
Libby?
Thank fuck. What's going on?
How did I get here?
LIBBY: They took you away in the night.
Who?
LIBBY: They come out mostly at night.
Mostly.
You're not Libby.
Who the fuck are you?
Who are you?
Get away from me, you dick.
Oh shitting hell!
[screams]
He's got me!
Get off me!
Very therapeutical, painting.
Give it nice, long strokes.
Don't stare too long.
Jackson says it's got hypnotic qualities.
Lighten up.
Stop touching me you, you dirty dyke.
Let's make one thing clear.
I love cock.
Big cock, small cock, fat cock, skinny cock,
old cock, young cock, knobbly cock, straight cock,
all kinds the lot.
Shuttle cock?
Ladies, check out my butterfly.
You're all bloody at it.
She's cock a hoop.
I've always wanted one.
It's lovely, Libby.
Why would you scar your own body like that?
It's only a tattoo.
It's a slag badge.
That's what it is.
Wind your neck in, mother.
Stop following me around like a sodden lapdog.
Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
It's been a week since my last confession.
And the devil has gotten into my soul
and it panics me breathless.
I've been having impure thoughts about another woman.
I dreamt she kissed me on the lips
and then slowly moved along my body with her tongue
and then licked me downstairs.
I only wanted a friend and now I don't know what's got into me.
Tell me more about the dream.
You getting off on this?
Oh my god.
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
They kingdom come.
For what she did to me, I could kill her.
Comfortably.
And I know she's ill and I know she can't help herself
and I know that if she was in full control of her faculties,
it wouldn't have happened.
That what he did, whatever buttons he pushed to get her
where he wanted her, I know if she was well
it wouldn't have worked.
But it did.
And I've got this anger.
This anger.
And I don't know what to do with it.
[yelling]
Jude, relax it.
There you go.
Timmy, it's set.
Tomorrow at mine.
Neutral ground.
I've made sure there'll be no one else in.
But Micky, we've got a little boy.
Abort, abort, abort!
It's because of my son I have to do this.
I want him to be as proud of me as I am of him.
[yelling]
We're on the same team, you dildo.
It's not an excuse for what I did,
and you've got every right to be angry, because I took
everything we had and I just threw it back in your face
and I don't know why.
And I know you don't believe me.
I've never-- I've never loved anybody like I love you.
And the worst thing is, because of my condition,
I could end up hurting you all over again.
We could get to a place where you could trust me,
where I could trust myself, and I could just fuck up.
There's nothing I can do about it.
Oy.
I want it to start standing up for yourself, OK?
Take no shit, whatever the cost.
Doesn't mean you have to be physical.
You're smart, aren't you?
Use that.
I tell you, scare tactics are just as effective.
I do know what it's like, you know.
My brother used to beat the shit out of me when we were kids.
Broke my arm once.
Hated the fucker.
And he did something bad and he got sent down.
[coughs]
When he came out, he was like this new person,
you know, he changed.
But we're brothers again.
But he made me do something bad.
He hadn't changed.
He changed me to be just like him.
You can't let that happen.
[knocking]
You ready?
Hiya.
Sit please.
Can you take little Timmy?
Come on, mate.
I want you to know that I love you.
Us, it was real.
But I can't lie anymore, Linda.
I don't know how else to say this to make it sound--
I'm--
I'm gay.
I mean, he's gay.
We're both gay.
Not with each other though.
I'm sorry.
You home wrecking faggot!
I'm sorry.
Linda.
Should've fucking known.
Bastard!
You bastard, bastard!
Bastard!
Naughty, naughty, daddy gay, naughty, naughty, daddy gay.
Naughty, naughty, daddy gay.
LINDA: Bastard!
I've wrecked your family.
I'm a coward.
I'm finally free.
Because of you.
You're stronger than you think.
I couldn't cope with losing my family.
It'd destroy me.
I've been fighting with who I am since I can remember.
My family have only just found out.
In time, they'll come around.
What if they don't?
They deserve to know.
Don't you think your family deserves to know?
[screaming]
Shane?
[inaudible].
Shane!
[bell ringing]
Fuck!
[gunshots]
You told me to.
This is not what I meant.
And you know it.
You've planned this.
I know about project skull fuck.
I planned and planned it.
Wished for it.
Dreamed about it.
Kill them all.
It's the only way to stop them.
But I didn't.
Scare tactics.
Drop the gun, motherfucker!
What are you doing with that?
It's an emergency.
Does it look like one?
Put it away.
Will I have to go away now?
You're not going anywhere.
He is.
Are you serious?
Hang on, Jackson.
I watched Micky squat over your face
while you drank beer poured down his ass crack for a dare
at Frank's stag.
I thought you'd be all right with this.
Firstly, I didn't.
And if I had, what happens on stag stays on stag.
Secondly, I don't respond well to threats.
That kid was tormented day in, day out.
Failed by the school, by the likes of you.
He was driven to it.
I can't risk my career.
What if today Jude hadn't gone trigger
happy with a paintball gun and decided
to do something else instead?
I don't know, something much worse.
Like hang himself in his wardrobe.
Let Gabriel fuck up Jude's life and walk out of here scott free
and we've failed.
Let go of me!
Let go!
Let go of me!
Let me go!
Let me out!
I haven't even done anything!
It was him!
Let me out!
How will we know the counseling's
working when the only time we see each other is in that room?
I want Connor home.
I want you both home.
Are we ready?
Probably not.
But we need to be together and take that risk sooner or later
if we're serious about us.
I am.
What about the rest of the family?
I run things now.
And I'm making sure I've got the security we need for our son.
You look smart.
Going anywhere special?
Business.
Think about what I said.
Because of your heroics, the phone's
been ringing off the hook.
Schools from all over want to contact the best
security firm in the northwest.
This is getting a bit big for us.
We'll be selective.
Jamie wants in.
You're both invited to a very special dinner tonight.
I've got something very important to announce.
The Cheeky prick.
Jamie can fuck off.
I told him no.
This is ours.
Look, I'll get this lot off to the bank.
You make some calls, get the ball rolling.
I'm sorry.
I don't understand.
There must be some mistake.
I'm calling on behalf of Maguire security.
Your school made an inquiry about.
Mine and Kelly's future.
We'd like them back.
You're using the Maguire name.
We're entitled to a piece of it.
So now it's all our futures.
Don't take it personal.
You made it personal when you went behind my back.
Things have changed.
We either work together or we don't work at all.
I underestimated you.
I hold my hands up.
Don't let pride get in the way of the family benefiting
from something you started.
The business isn't me.
It's us.
I want the contracts back.
I'm not giving them back.
I didn't expect you to.
Winner gets to keep the contracts.
You taking the piss?
It's only fight club, Jamie.
Nothing personal.
We do this and I win, I keep the contracts,
and I get a cut of whatever else you make out
of the business from now on.
[yelling]
Chicken curry in a can?
Dirty bastards.
40 cigs please, love.
A word?
I had a dream about us fucking.
Thought I was turning funny.
Tempted to drink from the furry chalice?
I run a lesbian aversion at mine if you're interested.
Dirty twat.
He was sniffing your ass, Lilian.
I know.
And he's paying good money for the privilege.
I know you're not a dyke and neither am I.
A misunderstanding, that's all.
Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Fuck right off.
A friend who's a girl?
I've never had a friend.
Only family.
Tell you what.
Pay for me cigs and we'll forget all about it.
You still--
A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend with weed
is better and you've got plenty.
So this bitch is a friend for life.
I want to tell you all something.
Just know that I'll always love you.
I'm gay.
[baby crying]
I was only joking.
I'm not really.
Got you.
You are awful.
Kitchen's looking fab, mum.
You're a grown woman.
A grown woman who isn't capable of taking
herself to the toilet.
Well you're in for a shock if you think
I'm going to wipe your ass.
What's happened to my Libby?
I let you put me down, mold me into the person you wanted.
And then Frank came along.
With him, I thought I was finally me.
But your venom of control and manipulation
had poisoned my veins.
Because just like you thought you could change me,
I thought I could change him.
I don't blame him for running.
I should have run myself a long time ago.
Shove the hippie crap up your hole.
Whatever happened to my mother?
Let go.
I wanted a better life for you.
Let go.
I didn't want you making the same mistakes I made.
Stop lying.
Your youth, looks, optimism, ambition.
I never had any of that.
That's why I didn't let you.
I'll take the good with the bad.
How about you?
The old Libby hasn't completely gone.
There's still lots I love.
But she could never have done this.
Every nook and cranny, boys.
There's a nice little bonus in it for you.
Someone tell me what the hell is going on.
Not allowed to talk about it.
It's the first rule.
Are you too fucking cracked?
Micky's got more sense.
Dinner.
Fuck.
You two get cleaned up now.
We OK?
Put these away in the safe, will you, mum?
New business contracts for the family.
How's things going with Karen?
I've said all I need to say.
Ball's in her court now.
Sorted.
Sorry we're late.
You're not just late.
You're not even fashionable late.
You're two fucking hours late.
I bend over backwards, sidewards, anything for you
lot.
I ask you to do one little thing for me.
Had special invitations hand delivered and everything.
But you blew me out because you're all too
wrapped up in your own shit.
Get a grip.
We're here now.
Tell us.
No.
For fuck's sake, Micky, what's all this about?
Oh, grow up.
No.
You don't deserve to know.
You're not ready for me. You might never be.
Why is everybody talking in fucking riddles today?
This is your fault. Why's this carrot shaped like a knob?
Bye now.
A stronger heart for our home and a better life for all of us
now.
Wedding money well spent, eh mother?
A new kitchen or a life with Frank Gallagher.
It's no contest.
Come and see our fabulous new kitchen.
We'll be down in a bit.
What are you watching?
Porn.
Nothing.
- Move. - Don't.
Move.
SHANE (VOICEOVER): Disillusionment
is all over the place.
I mean, who really creates those opportunities
that you wait for?
It's not teachers, not aliens, not gods.
You do.
And that's fine.
As long as you know this.
There will always be some cunt to stand in your way.
And sometimes you just can't win.
I will kill you.
I'll fucking kill you.
Frank!
- Libby? - You're awake.
Monica?
I didn't want you to miss the birth.
I get woozy just looking at oysters.
Why the fuck would I want to watch you give birth?
Oh, not me, Frank.
You.
How can I be--
Oh, it's a little boy.
Baby Mick Hucknall.
Libby, Libby!
Shit, he's off again.
- Sit on his legs. - Libby!
I'll sit on his face.
Libby!
DOCTOR: So who is this Frank Gallagher?
NURSE: It's a product of his schizophrenia, doctor.
He'll only respond when we refer to him by his Frank identity.
The details he's created are incredibly sophisticated.
Lives on a Chatsworth estate with his two children,
engaged to be married to a fictitious librarian
called Libby.
He's made several attempts to leave
here for this fantasy life.
As a result, we've had to keep him sedated for his own safety.
DOCTOR: Is there a history of trauma or stress?
Anything that may have triggered his condition?
According to his partner, he hasn't been the same
since the Con-Dem coalition.
I would think we'd need to keep him in for at least
another week.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid he'll be here indefinitely.
It's for the best.
I'll inform his family.
[theme music]
Stop eating pussy.