[tapping camera]
Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck
all about knowing fuck all about,
needs to watch their back-- ow!
So you've had your Labour reclassifying scum, sending
prices sky high, literally--
literally-- taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your condemnation,
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dim sum.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what?
Is revolution a word or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester.
And they charge us for water.
I wandered lonely, as a cloud, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land, and ancients, and yak,
yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!
It's not theirs anymore!
This is our England now!
[crowd cheering]
Party!
[theme music]
A pocket full of posies.
A-tishoo!
We all found down.
JAMIE MAGUIRE (VOICEOVER): Each and every one of us is a dot.
We're all tiny, insignificant, little dots, scabs, and spots
on the face of the planet.
And we're only here for the blink of an eye.
So what we do in that blink is so important,
not just for ourselves, but for others, t for our friends
and for our families.
And we have to leave something behind--
some trace that we were here, like an astronaut leaves
their footprint on the moon.
Evidence.
Because if we don't--
if we leave no trace--
then it's like we never existed at all, like we
did nothing with our life.
And if that thought hits you when you're croaking your last,
in that split second before the lights finally go out,
what happens if you realize you did nothing with your life,
you helped no one, fought for nothing, changed nothing?
What do you do, at that moment?
Do you live or do you die?
[machines beeping]
Mom?
MIMI MAGUIRE: What the fuck is going on?
You'll be home before you know it.
JAMIE MAGUIRE: As long as you take things easy.
I think you should take a backseat for a while.
One of us will look after things.
Just till your back on your feet.
Yeah.
OK.
Will you do it?
Me?
Well, Mickey's looking after Cilla.
Jamie's got his hands full trying to get Connor back.
[machines beeping]
Shane's not up to running things, ma.
Sort your son out first, then we'll talk business.
Libby Croker.
Croker!
Yeah.
I'm just calling to see if my partner, Frank Gallagher,
has been admitted.
If my partner has been admitted. Oh, no.
Please, don't transfer me.
What?
Has someone been using my toothbrush?
Why? Are you going to start charging?
Shut up, both of you!
Oh!
I wondered when the old Libby temper was
going to raise its ugly head.
Uh-- yes. Hello.
Yes.
I should have come down harder on her when she was a teenager.
He has long hair and a beard.
He looks like Gandalf on acid.
[inaudible] stop me.
He's 51, but probably looks a little bit older.
You'd think there would be a modicum
of respect for the poor woman who
brought her into this world.
OK.
Thank you for your time.
And you're wasting everyone's time.
He's not coming back.
You're the only one who's bothered.
[music playing]
[coughing]
Fucking hell.
Oh!
[coughing]
Oh, god.
I'm alive.
That's good, I suppose.
Not as good looking this time.
I could do with a shave.
Lines, veins, older-- old!
Old.
Older.
[space-like sounds]
What the fuck am I doing here?
And where is here?
Get back?
Back where?
[distorted female screams]
Doctor!
Quick, doctor!
Do something!
The Cider Men are coming!
[music playing]
[screaming]
Wait for me!
[music playing]
Hang on!
Hang on.
Fucking hell, this is a young man's game.
I'm fucked.
Where are we going?
How the fuck would I know?
You're the doctor!
And who the fuck are you?
How the fuck did I get here?
I was drinking, there was drugs-- you know,
the usual day, night.
It was nighttime.
Night out.
It was a stag night.
Frank!
Help me!
I need to get back!
It's a trap, doctor!
A trap!
[screaming]
[fire extinguisher blowing]
[laser buzzing]
Come on!
Hi, you!
Like a bad penny.
Oh, don't be mean.
I was just about to come and find you.
Who's dead now?
Fiona?
I heard a whisper that Frank's missing.
Don't know where you heard that?
Mm.
Well, if Frank is missing, that means there's no one here
to look after the kids.
I'm here.
Yeah, but you haven't got parental responsibility,
so you're not really allowed to look after them, are you?
Not legally.
Legalities never bothered you before.
Well, it does now.
Liam and Stella are my babies and they should be with me--
with their mom.
[music playing]
Woo!
I told you we had to play the long game, didn't I?
Well, you'd be waiting a lot longer if it
weren't for fags and chips.
Thank god for heart attacks, eh?
What?
I can say that because she's going to be all right,
isn't she?
Yeah.
A couple of days, she'll be back on.
There you go then!
Heat attacks!
Heart attacks.
Listen, uh-- I've got a job on.
I can count on you, can't I?
Yeah.
[howling]
What in God's name--
[screaming]
Help!
Someone call the police!
Help!
Oh!
What's going on?
Are you OK?
Did you get a good look at him? - At who?
Your attackers.
The attackers aren't in there!
Oh!
Filth!
[groaning]
Back upstairs, bitch!
Ah!
Time to play with the big boys again.
40 grams worth of coke, 2 quids worth of baking soda
equals 80 grand.
Where did you get 40 grams worth of coke?
I deferred payment.
Look, these suckers turn up, give us a bag of cash--
40 for the suppliers, 40 for us.
Easy money. - Yeah.
Too easy.
How'd you know this ain't a set up?
Couldn't have picked a worse place--
public, cars, CCTV.
Yeah.
That's him.
[horn honking a tune]
Well, this just gets better and better.
Oh, wait in the car, will you?
[music playing]
- Is everything all right, mate? - Yeah.
Top.
You OK?
Why wouldn't I be?
I thought you'd be a bit happier, that's all.
First big deal-- you should be celebrating.
Yeah.
Great.
Let's have a big, fuck off party, shall we?
Fuck off!
[music playing]
Fuck is this?
Don't want any trouble, do we now?
I was just about to bring it in.
She might have good intentions.
She's got this money coming her way.
That's nothing.
18 grand is hardly nothing, Carl.
Well, it is to her.
Won't last two minutes.
Oh, thanks a bunch.
Well, you can't just pick your kids up
and drop them off whenever you want.
And you can't tell me what to do because you're not my dad.
Libby's a million times a better mom than you'll ever be.
You're not taking Liam and Stella away.
Look, there's nothing any of you can do to stop me.
It's the law.
She's right.
Ah!
Hold your horses.
Not yet, sweetheart.
I've got a lesbian wedding to go to in the lakes.
They're going to tie a ribbon around a pebble,
and then chuck into the Windermere,
and then set off those paper lanterns.
Should be beautiful.
Love a good wedding, don't you?
So I'll be back in a couple of days.
If you could have their stuff packed for when I get back?
That'll save time and that.
See you.
We have got to find your father.
I'm going to hand me notice in at Lilian's.
I'm married to the head of the family now.
Capote [inaudible].
I'm Carmela Soprano and I shouldn't be blowing
fat, sweaty blokes for 30 quid a throw,
when I could be helping you.
What do you reckon?
[door opening]
Surprise!
Well, you didn't tell us you was coming home, mom.
Jamie wanted to surprise you all.
Been filling me in on the business.
Doing good, eh, son?
Yeah.
I thought it was a good time to expand, build on what we have.
Fucking hell.
It's not "The Apprentice."
Feast your eyes on that.
All Shane's work.
The planning, the execution.
Good work, son.
[music playing]
[door opening]
You called?
There wasn't a single penny in that bag when I--
You brought mom home, put on that big, fucking performance,
and you--
You're not up to running the business, Shane.
Bollocks!
This is about you not being the boss.
It's about the business.
And it's the family.
I don't want everything we've worked for to get pissed away.
Neither do I.
Where did you get the money?
Fuck all to do with you.
It is, if you're putting the family at risk.
A small-time loan shark.
Who?
[music playing]
Chemical Mitch?
Fucking hell, Shane!
I'm sorting it, all right?
Laters.
You've forgotten something.
Not that!
Your sister!
I thought you'd enrolled in college, doing childcare shite.
Well, it was a Child Care and Development course,
but only because he had a free [inaudible]..
But I thought, with you being home--
You thought I'd just waltz back in here
and pick up right where I left off, like that?
But I've got me Turkish wrestling.
I'm fucking convalescent, son!
I stared death in the face.
I need rest and time to build me strength back up.
God knows, if I don't, I'll--
Come here.
Don't you worry, mom.
I'm going to get the best carer that Cilla could ever wish for.
You get some rest.
Backed up by research is intertrail development.
The closer the mother or father--
they are to a baby, it creates a stronger and deeper bond, yeah?
I spent a year in Africa, working
with mothers and babies.
And it was really surprising, to us, as Westerners,
but these mothers, they carry their children
with them at all times.
And that means--
Well, not that surprising though, is it?
I mean, they haven't got a choice.
Well, they haven't got anything, those, love.
They've no prams, or bouncy chairs,
you know, shelves, and that.
- Shelves? - Yeah.
You know, to stick the baby on for a bit.
OK.
I'm hearing you--
I hear you say.
That's right, isn't it?
OK.
I hear you say you think I'm unfit to be
the mother of your child.
I fucking disagree.
I totally fucking disagree.
OK.
I haven't finished.
I think I am fit to be a mother because I'm
trying to protect Connor, which is why
I don't want you to see him.
Bollocks!
Sorry.
I don't trust you, Jamie.
What do you think I'm going to do?
Do a runner with Connor.
I wouldn't do that.
I hear you say--
I hear you say you're looking after Connor because you're
not letting him see me, but you think I'm going to do a runner.
But I say I thought that's why you're unfit to be a mother--
because you're not allowing him to see his dad.
And I don't give a flying fuck who's blood he's
got-- mine, Joe's, whoever!
I'm his dad.
I'm his fucking dad!
[door opening]
Oh, come in, why don't you?
You called the council.
What makes you think it was me?
So what if I did?
You drove me to it with the noise of your fornicating.
Jackson's a trainee teacher.
If you make official complaints, you'll cause a lot of problems.
- For? - Us.
Jackson could lose his job.
And we could lose our home.
We had a Noise Abatement Notice on our last address.
Last three addresses.
So if I make a complaint, backed up with evidence,
you could lose your job?
And your home?
[music playing]
Shane's decided to up the interest
on everything we're owed.
He has to pay this money back somehow.
The people that owe us money are skint!
They can't afford to stump up anymore,
so they'll turn to other crews.
We won't have a business left.
OK.
So what about this loan shark?
Chemical Mitch.
Known for throwing acid and bleach around.
Not just at his enemies, but their wives,
girlfriends, mothers.
A right, nasty, little fuck.
Don't think anyone would miss him, do you?
Shane won't do it.
Like I said, he's not up to running things.
Well, he thinks he is.
He's not!
He's fucking things up!
And if he carries on like this, we're
going to lose the business or someone's going to get hurt!
OK.
You're in charge.
Take over and sort it out, but don't tell Shane.
It'll break his heart.
His never been top at anything in his life.
When he was a kid and they were picking teams,
he was always last, even when his own, fucking
brother was choosing.
Show him.
Do whatever it takes to make him realize
he's not up to running the show, for the good of the family.
[music playing from speakers]
Maguire!
Shaney, Shaney.
Your idea is smart--
get other people to pay for your fuck ups.
I like it.
I like it that much, I'm going to do the same.
Your debt's just gone up 5 grand.
Come on, girls.
I had to fight a dwarf for it, but don't worry, it'll be fine.
Shh!
Tomorrow's another day.
[groaning]
[screaming]
[gasping]
- I can't breath! - Sorry.
No, no, no.
Don't stop.
Don't stop!
[groaning]
I can't!
It's too good! Don't stop!
Fuck me!
Oh! Oh!
Yes! Oh!
Frank? Well, what?
What is it?
I went to the post office, right?
Withdrawn his benefits.
So he's alive and--
And he's not here.
Well, yeah.
JACKSON: All right! Fuck me!
Ah!
But I wonder why.
Why do you think?
He doesn't want to marry me.
(IN UNISON) Yeah!
Yes!
So Lilian's says, you're going to have
to work out your notice, if you want a reference.
So I turned around to her and says,
Lillian, love, I'm getting out of this game altogether.
[radio playing]
You left?
Not till next Friday.
It'll be all right, won't it?
I mean, I-- I know I'll be paying Chemical
Mitch interest and that--
Give over fretting, will you?
This is Jamie's doing, this.
Gives us a pull on that.
The thing is, he's dead fucked off
because you're doing a good job and he's
trying to mess with your head.
That's all.
If he were brilliant, your mom would have made him boss,
wouldn't she? Well, she didn't.
Who did she choose?
You.
Why?
Because you're a fucking genius.
That's why.
You're Tony fucking Soprano, eh?
Anyone else remember the means their parents resorted to--
the names of discipline?
Me, please!
We had to lick batteries.
Yeah.
PP3s for, like, small stuff, you know?
But for bigger crimes, like nicking stuff up
we shouldn't have nicked, we had to lick a fat one.
Mm.
Yeah.
PP9s and car batteries for really big shit.
You're not seriously proposing this
as a punishment for a child.
God, no.
No.
Our mom did it to us when we was kids.
No, but things have moved on, haven't they?
I wouldn't harm a hair on a kid's head, me.
And me, a disabled pensioner.
Walked right into my home, issuing threats.
It's so upsetting!
Sadly, I don't have any hard evidence
of their threatening behavior, but maybe, when you hear this,
you'll appreciate what I've had to endure since they moved in.
[MUSIC - LADY GAGA, "POKER FACE"]
Can't read my poker face--
Face.
Po-po-po-poker face, po-po-poker face!
You could say he's back.
Say he's in here.
We can't just give up.
I'm not giving up.
All we can do now is act dignified, not cause a scene,
for Liam and Stella's sake.
Oh, fuck that.
Is it true you're out of college, yeah?
Lovely.
I'm studying, right?
I have to develop strategies on dealing with problem kids.
Have you tried--
It doesn't involve licking batteries.
Wrong.
My attempt to build a bride.
I've let myself get carried away with my own pettiness.
You're decent people.
And I really don't want to cause you any problems
or have any friction between us.
That's very kind.
New beginnings.
I hope you'll be happy in it.
Libby?
I heard about Frank, and the wedding, and that.
I know what you're going through because it's happened to me.
I'm sorry.
Oh, thank you.
I did some snooping around.
Those Welsh blokes with Chemical Mitch--
they're one and the same.
Chemical Mitch ain't Welsh.
No, the Welsh folks who work for Mitch.
Trust me.
They rip you off, Mitch steps in to lend you money,
you kissed pissed on twice, with the same outfit.
No one will think any less of you, if you want to step down.
No.
I'll sort it.
Maguire, Mitch wants his 5 grand now.
I'll pay him what we agreed, when I get it, all right?
Tell Mitch he can fuck off!
Stay out of it, Jamie.
Jamie, nice pub.
[glass breaking]
[grunting]
They must have proper lumped you one.
Oh!
- Sorry. - Look, I'm fine.
Cheers, everyone.
It's nothing.
[phone ringing]
Shane?
Jamie?
No, no.
Listen, I'm in the boot of a car and we're stopping.
Fucking hell.
I don't know where the fuck I am.
Just-- listen, help me.
Please.
You've got to find out what's what, where you are.
And I'll be with you before you know it.
Just hang in there.
Make sure everyone gets a drink.
And calm them all down.
Drinks are on the house!
[cheering]
[phone ringing]
Jamie?
Oh, fuck!
[water pouring]
Fuck!
[screaming]
[water splashing]
[gasping]
[coughing]
I'll kill him for this!
I will!
[MUSIC - JAMES BROWN, "A MAN'S MAN'S MAN'S WORLD"]
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
Don't stop.
Please.
Jackson?
Is there something going on or not going on?
This never happened before.
I know.
You could usually hang a towel off it.
Let's not make a big deal of it.
I don't want it to become an issue.
Just relax.
I'll do all the work, yeah?
Just relax.
For fuck's sake, Jackson!
Ow!
Please, stop!
No way.
New beginnings.
Can I have some?
That devious, old--
Please, stop!
[crying]
Oh, fuck!
It's bleeding!
[humming]
Good morning.
[moaning]
[grunting]
[radio playing]
[moaning]
[banging on wall]
[radio playing louder]
[screaming]
I died five times.
Literally, died five times.
I walked along the tunnel to the bright light.
You'll never guess who I met there.
Sidney Poitier.
Sidney Poitier appeared as the manifestation of our Lord
and Savior, Jesus Christ.
And he spake unto me.
Me, alone.
And he said, Mimi Maguire, it's not your time yet.
Go back.
Go back and tell Karen she should let Jamie see his son.
Not my words, the words of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Oh, is that the time?
Thanks for coming.
Means the world.
Karen, Jamie is the father, isn't he?
Who's Cilla's father?
I've told Jamie to sort it out with you.
I know it's tricky with Joe and that.
Thanks.
Cheers.
[door closing]
If this is the bit where I'm supposed
to say I'm sorry that I went too far, et cetera, et cetera,
you're wrong.
You're angry.
I understand that.
I know what I've done is--
I just want us to move forward somehow.
You, me, and Connor.
And what if Joe decides to come back?
He's not coming back.
Ever.
He's dead.
How?
So that's why you come back, is it?
Because you don't have a choice anymore.
I always have a choice, Jamie.
I don't have to be here.
I fucked up.
I know what I threw away.
But I wanted out and I chose to come back to you.
Now it's up to you.
This is your time to choose.
MICKEY MAGUIRE: Eskimos. TEACHER: Inuits.
MICKEY MAGUIRE: Eskimos. - Inuits.
Tomato, tomato.
Go on.
I stayed with an Inuit community
last year, for several months, because I wanted to understand
how families bring up children in a happy, peaceful, loving
way, in the midst of seemingly harsh environments.
And what I actually discovered that what as--
Well, they don't know any different though, do they?
Aye?
I mean, they're not going to cry or moan
for an Xbox, or a Wii, or whatever because they don't
know what they are, do they? No.
You don't grow up wanting something
that you don't know about.
You grow up happy with the stuff you've already got, don't you?
Uh-- yeah.
Yes.
It's a nice, little piece, this.
From Lithuania.
I couldn't point Lithuania out on the map,
[car beeping]
You don't have to do this, you know?
Wait a minute.
Softly, softly catches the monkey.
[car locking]
[kids playing]
I can't do it.
Fuck this!
JAMIE MAGUIRE: I knew it.
I fucking knew it.
What?
That you'd bottle it.
You've always been like this, Shane.
You're your own worst enemy.
You've moaned all your life that something's not fair.
Never get picked for the football team,
never get the decent jobs, never get a fair crack of the whip.
Well, now is your fucking chance!
There's got to be some other way.
If you don't stump up the cash,
he's going to start fucking us all up.
Not just me, you, and Nicky, but mom, Kelly, the whole family.
[car beeping]
He's leaving.
Come on.
It's now or never!
Fuck it.
I'll do it.
SHANE MAGUIRE: No.
[music playing]
Mitch!
I've got something for you.
Shane.
Shane!
You'll never stop up, never be a man.
Let big brother do it for you.
Shane!
[gun firing]
Finish it.
I fucking shot--
Oh, fucking finish it now!
[gun firing]
[vomiting]
[laughing]
I thought you were going to bottle it.
Didn't think you had it in you.
Is this what you do?
Is this what you have to do when you run things?
It's business, Shane.
It's just business.
Yeah.
Well, I don't want it.
Not this.
Not like this.
You have it.
You run it.
I don't want to.
Where are you going?
Shane?
Shane!
I've seen Harry and Larry nicking money out of my purse.
[laughing]
Well, that's what it says, right?
Purse.
Well, I haven't got a purse.
When I confront them, they deny it, adding lies to their theft.
What do you do?
That is a hard one, this one.
Actually, it's fairly simple.
You challenge them.
You see, a child will build lie upon lie to create bigger,
wilder lies, until the whole web of lies collapses around them.
Leaving Leaving them feeling all humiliated.
Well, what do you propose, Michael?
A PP9?
[laughing]
Take them to the shop.
Oh!
Buy them a treat.
Yeah.
Then go to pay for it and give it back,
right, I'll just open my purse.
Oh, no!
I haven't got enough money.
Sorry.
I can't buy it, you know?
Cause and effect, isn't it?
You know, consequences and that.
Have you actually got kids.
I have children, yes.
You know, you travel all around the world,
studying how other people bring up their kids and that.
I bet you hardly spend any time with your own.
They probably don't even recognize you.
[music playing]
Mrs. Croker?
Sorry to disturb you.
We, uh-- we just wanted to apologize for everything
that's been going on.
It's all got a little bit out of hand.
Spiking our drinks?
I don't know what you're talking about.
We'd really like to put a stop to it, turn a page,
and start again.
And how exactly do you propose to do that?
We'll look into some kind of sound proofing, on our side.
And, as way of an apology--
Oh!
Love is a fucking wonderful thing, isn't it?
All these nature programs.
All of the animals mounting each other, spreading their love.
[laughing]
I feel so happy!
Ready!
College finish early today?
I don't need that course anymore.
The lecturer was a fraud.
You know, she talks a good talk in a fancy, Scottish accent,
but she couldn't walk the walk.
I called her on her shit.
It caused a massive revolt. Oh, you should have seen me, mom.
You would have been dead proud.
No need to worry about Cilla.
She's in good hands with me.
Where is she?
Shit!
I've left her on the bus!
They should call this, "Britain's
Got No Fucking Talent."
Rain makes the flowers grow, you know?
It also makes us appreciate the sun, when it finally comes out.
At some point in your life, you'll
think all it ever does is rain and rain,
but you have to hold out because there will be
sunshine in the end, I promise.
Dear, all a bit sad in here, isn't it?
[laughing]
Anyway, I think we've got everything,
except for the kids.
Leave her here.
And I'll come with you, if you just leave her here.
Don't be silly.
Libby's a better mom than you'll ever be.
Liam!
I mean it.
Look, I'm your mom and you're both coming with me,
whether you like it or not.
Well, then you'll have to drag me out, kicking and screaming.
What's to stop me running straight back here with Stella?
But the council won't give me that pick a place
unless one of you come with me.
The council?
This is about you getting a bigger house?
It's got two toilets.
Unbelievable!
Oh, get over yourselves.
Come on, Liam!
Stella or me.
[police sirens blazing]
You don't have to do this.
I do.
I'll be back as soon as she gets her house.
Take care of her.
I'll call you as soon as your dad gets back.
[inaudible]!
[music playing]
How you doing?
How are you?
Cheers, man.
Nice one.
- No probs. - Not so hard next time.
Site Later, mate.
- Mate, calm down. - Jamie!
It's going be all right.
Business, Shane.
Just business.
[music playing]
What's the news with Karen?
Well, it's going to be a long haul, but, it's good.
Yeah.
He must have sussed that Chemical Mitch's
boys wanted shot of him.
So he got you to do it?
Probably made up all that stuff about a Welsh
boys being in bed with Mitch and all that.
I could kill him.
He did me a favor.
By almost drowning you?
He was born for this--
scamming, scheming, killing.
So were you, sweetheart.
No.
Not killing.
Takes a certain kind of person to do that.
[laughing]
I'm sorry, Shane.
Hm?
I pushed you.
I encouraged you.
I was getting off on the idea of you being the boss.
And we're happy as we are, aren't we?
JAMIE MAGUIRE: To taste death, no matter how fleeting,
means you taste life and all its messy sweetness
and fucked up bitterness.
Death lets you appreciate life.
It helps you realize what it's all about because, at the end
of the day, when all's said and done,
and you breathe your last, that will be
your evidence that you lived.
The trace that you were here.
Your footprint on the moon.
The people stood round your bed--
nothing else matters, does it?
Just family.
I have to get back-- go back in time,
find a stag do, [inaudible] with it, and save Libby.
[gasping] Libby!
We have to get back to Libby!
Quick!
The [inaudible]!
Come on!
[distorted music playing]
Run!
Libby?
It's me!
Don't talk to her!
It's another mental trick of the mind thing!
Why settle for her, when you can have me?
Frank!
Come home, Frank!
Who are you?
Libby, Monica, Sheena, your mother, your grandmother,
your daughters, you fucks, your wallets and purses,
doctors and nurses--
I am every woman and--
I am Frank Gallagher.
[machines beeping]
[theme song]
[machine buzzing]
[moaning]
[groaning through wall]
CARL GALLAGHER: Has anyone seen my toothbrush?