[tapping]
Anyone watching thinking they know fuck all about knowing
fuck all about owt, needs to watch their backs.
So you've had your Labour reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky high, literally, literally taking
the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got you're Con-Dem-Nation,
Liberals noshing Tories like alter boys picking DIMPs up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke, or what?
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester,
and they charge us for water?
I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times.
Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak.
It's not theirs anymore.
This is our England now!
Party!
[music playing]
Cogito ergo sum.
Pardon my French, well, Latin, actually.
The English is, "I think, therefore I am,"
a phrase captured by some snail-chewer
called Rene Descartes.
Essentially, it means that because you
are capable of logical thoughts, you
are aware of your existence.
But by the same method, you haven't got the foggiest what's
going on in my head, so there's no real way
of knowing I definitely exist.
I could be a figment of your imagination.
Me and everything, you know, everyone in your world.
[whirring]
[drumming]
[beeping]
[whirring]
[music - david bowie, "starman"]
There's a starman waiting in the sky.
He'd like to come and meet us but he
thinks he'd blow our minds.
There's a starman, waiting in the sky.
[music playing]
[beeping]
Fuck off!
Come on.
What, a stag night?
If I wanted an evening of ritual humiliation, I'd stay at home.
Are you sure you want to go through with this wedding?
You won't catch me getting married again.
I am not going to stay and have my private life dissected
and judged by the likes of you.
Same again, Jamie.
My round, lads.
'Cause I don't know how I can even
begin to explain what it is that me and Libby have got,
precisely.
Er, try.
Well, starters, we're in love.
[laughing]
Just because you've never had the love of a good man.
Oh, the only things Frank loves
come with the government's health warning.
We're soul mates.
[laughing]
Her soul, my soul.
Arsehole!
Well said, sweet pea.
I don't need a ring on my finger, or a blessing from fuck
knows who, but she does.
She's happy, I'm happy.
OK, he's not perfect, but who the bloody hell is?
I'm not far off.
A few minor blemishes, but--
This is no time for jokes.
Who's joking?
Any wonder she's been on the shelf
as long as she has with that attitude.
When I were her age, men were falling all over themselves
to get to me.
Falling over their fucking guide dogs.
We were just pulling your leg.
That's what I was just saying.
Frank altered since they've been together.
Often hear him in the pub talking about you.
People saying they've never seen him so happy.
The cause of all the trouble in all the world,
since the dawn of time, can be traced right back by a one,
singular route to the mustache.
Hitler, Stalin, Lenin, Mandelson, down you go!
[gasping]
Freddie Mercury!
I'm not stupid.
I'm aware of his shortcomings.
And I'm going into this with my eyes open.
Well if only you'd set your sights a little higher.
And the cupboard was bare.
Right, girls, pub.
I'll be over as soon as Liam shows.
Oh, should have asked Mickey to keep an eye on her,
he's got Cilla.
Just as easy to look after two kids as it is one.
How the fuck would you know?
You're sticking with with then, Cilla?
Are you a fan?
Step Inside Love's a great song.
Is it a Liverpoodlian thing?
But I always preferred Lulu.
That thing she did with her accent, Scottish one minute,
English the next, such talent.
It's got nothing to do with being Scouse, Lillian,
and everything to do with the birth being one
fuck of a Surprise Surprise.
Cilla Maguire, then.
Stop fishing.
Come on, Mimi, who's the daddy?
You really do want your face rearranging, don't you?
Who could blame her?
Later, Libs.
[music playing]
Hiya, Avril.
Is everything all right?
Letitia.
Letitia!
Your father's here.
He's at football.
Goalie got a groin strain, match was cancelled.
Why didn't you get changed?
If your father finds out I've sent you to private school,
he'll kill me!
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
Once you're in uni, it's all over.
I might not even get into uni.
Oh, you better bloody had.
The amount I spent sending you to that place.
I want the lot, GCSEs, A-levels, and first-class degree.
Liam's asked if she can give him a hand with his homework again.
Should bring him in here.
He doesn't like anyone knowing he's struggling.
[music playing]
Mm.
I'll put the lock on.
This do ya?
[grunting]
Ah!
Ah ah!
Too soon!
You like it like that, eh?
You want a bit of that.
Yeah.
Oh!
Yeah!
Oh!
Ah!
Go to mummy.
Look after the baby a bit longer, will you, son?
[music playing]
Hiya, Stevie.
Don't know if you remember me, but--
Mimi?
Phil, I know this sounds weird, and believe me
all I'm after is answers.
Would it be possible to talk inside?
I don't think the wife would be too impressed.
What I need to know is if you can
remember when we got together?
I need you to take a blood test.
Shit.
You've not got the AIDS, have you?
Definitely August?
Look, I was pissed.
To see if you're me child's father.
No chance of that, Mimi.
I got the snip 20 years ago.
It was a one-night stand and I'm cool with that.
What was a one-night stand?
Shit.
It's not what you think.
And what the fuck would you know about what I think?
She's out tonight.
Ohh, any chance of a rematch?
I took advantage, hon-- oh!
[yelling]
You bitch!
You've ruined everything! Going
Mimi?
Can I see your dad, please, Andy?
Sure.
I'm off t'pub.
Planning the wedding.
I'm so excited I can't tell you.
We're having ice sculptures, famous Mancunians
in literature.
[knocking]
I'm sorry to disturb you.
Is it possible to speak to Mr. Gallagher, please?
Vernon Francis Gallagher?
I'm afraid he's not in at the moment.
I'm his fiance, can I help you?
It's about his daughter, Deborah Gallagher.
So what's all this about?
You might be missing Connor.
I know he's been missing you.
Thought you might want to see him.
So you and Joe?
This is about me and you.
Joe told me Connor was his, showed me the DNA results.
Well, they called your bluff.
And if you'd had opened the envelope,
you'd have seen it was a gas bill.
What's going on?
I said I'd kill him, and it meant it,
so why would hey agree to this?
I haven't got time for this.
Offer's on the table.
Call me when you're thinking straight.
You're dumping Connor.
He's found out Connor's mine, fucking cuckoo in the nest
and he wants rid.
Wants to play happy families, have his own kids.
Sends you to sweet talk me so you can offload.
Karen!
I said I'd kill you if I ever saw you again!
It's not him!
Oh, it's not another fucking Doctor Who convention, is it,
Lillian?
No, why?
It's just, after tickets.
Hey.
Oh, can't get a minute's peace.
What is it?
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
All I'm after is a quiet fucking pint with the lads,
and in she walks.
It's Debbie.
She's been killed in Afghanistan.
[music playing]
Fucking ragheads.
If you need anything Frank.
You could chuck us 40 fags 'til the giro hits my account.
Just need to anaesthetise.
Cheers. - No credit.
Leave it.
You're hemorrhaging profit left, right, and center,
and this is why.
He's just lost his daughter.
And our family will lose the shop if you carry on like this.
Name?
Frank Gallagher.
Frank, 32 pounds and 85p outstanding on your slate,
Gallagher.
Frank, my daughter died defending Queen and country
for the likes of you, Gallagher's
got a bad ring to it, yeah.
Your bang out of order, Sita.
You know what, don't even worry about it, mate.
I'll take over here.
I'm fine.
I know for a fact you haven't slept a wink.
Looking after Liam, Carl, Frank.
Let me look after you.
Beans on toast, do you?
We've nothing in.
Yeah, I'm not that hungry.
You've not had any breakfast.
Got to eat something.
I'll go round the shop.
Liam?
[sniffing]
It's OK, mom's here.
Liam, Carl.
Monica?
Oh, oh, oh!
Frank, our little girl!
Don't worry, I'm here now.
I don't know what came over me.
I'm not the fainting type.
It's the shock.
You've suffered a terrible loss.
And you're God knows how many months up the spout.
My children need me.
You need me.
Could you give us a few moments in private?
Oh, of course.
Sorry.
You heard from Carl?
Texted him.
Not heard back yet.
I think he's best left.
What are you doing here?
Saving you from yourself.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't serve him with alcohol again.
Bird?
Cousin.
Sita, I told granddad I don't need his help.
So you reject his help, but accept his money?
Back off.
As soon as you prove you can behave like the good Muslim boy
I know you to be, I will.
I'll top and tail with mom, Frank can take the couch.
Can't have you cramped in your condition.
Six weeks to go, I can't wait.
Little bundle of love.
Oh, that big bundle of cash.
I'm a surrogate for a gay couple in Oldham
who've got everything they could possibly want, bar kids.
You're going to give it away?
Oh no, I get 18k for him, Ricky Martin.
I haven't formed an emotional attachment.
You got kids?
The timing was never right.
Didn't find a man 'til mother nature withdrew her favors.
Aw.
Career women? - Librarian.
Hardly worth it, was it?
Where'd you meet?
He was in the poetry section, reading Byron, Wordsworth.
"I wandered lonely as a cloud."
In a cloud, if I know Frank.
We had an immediate attraction.
Oh yeah, we had one of them.
I got knocked up in the gents in the Wigan Casino all-nighter.
That's where we made little Fifi, Fiona.
Oh!
Supposed to be in three weeks.
I really don't see how we can go ahead.
Oh, but it's exactly what Debbie would
have wanted, new beginnings.
Oh, you must go ahead.
I don't think Frank--
I know how to get around Frank.
You leave him to me.
Usual, Monica?
In my state, just a single.
Oh.
Debbie would have loved that.
Except for the flowers.
She weren't big on lilies.
On the house.
Sorry for your loss.
Thanks, Jamie.
To Debbie.
[crying]
It's our little girl.
It's our Debbie.
Please, Frank, don't.
We had a whip-round.
The wake's on us.
Food, booze.
Oh that's such comfort.
Debbie wouldn't have wanted this.
All these miserable faces.
Let's celebrate her life, eh?
[crying]
Drinks for everyone!
[cheering]
A toast!
For Debbie!
It's not that we can't afford it,
I've got some cash coming my way.
Cilla's out like a light.
[snoring sound]
You OK?
Feel like shit.
Exhausted with it all.
Mam, don't be embarrassed.
When me and your dad separated,
I did anything and everything to get some sense of self-worth,
to prove to myself that I was still attractive, desirable.
I think you're lovely.
Even in the light.
A beauty all your own.
Do you think?
Yeah.
And once you get past the accent and that,
you always reminded me a bit of Dawn French.
Fucking hell, Mickey, she's twice the size of me.
But gorgeous.
When Cilla asks me where Dad is,
I want to be able to tell her.
I want to look her in the eye and give her his name.
Must thing I'm some kind of slut.
Mam, I'm a 21st century type of guy.
I've probably slept with more than that on a busy weekend.
You know, birds, obviously.
Tits and stuff.
Flange.
Tell her Dad was the most handsome man you'd ever met.
Yeah, he was here on a fact-finding trip
from the states, something to do with housing policy,
under a directive from Baracks Obama.
You fell for his manly charms, the way
his muscles strained against the pure white cotton of his shirt.
You had one night of love, and Cilla was born from that love.
Months later he found out you was up the spout.
He was on his way back, died in a plane crash.
Do you reckon she'll buy that?
Yeah.
[music playing]
Silver lining for your black cloud.
[MUSIC - BETTE MIDLER, "WIND BENEATH MY WINGS"]
Ever know that you're my hero.
Everything I would like to be.
This is just a warm-up.
When we have the real wake, we'll give our Debbie
one hell of a send-off.
We'll give her a celebration she'll never forget.
We'll never forget.
[laughing]
What are you having?
Jamie, a drink for the future Mrs. Gallagher.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
Sure?
Don't worry, he's safe.
It's just that we've got a past, me and him.
Past?
I gave him the best years of my life.
Twice.
He's all yours, Libby.
My heart belongs to another.
My civil partner.
I'm gay.
Got married in a posh tent in Devon.
You shocked?
I was just wondering if--
I'm so, so sorry.
It's terrible when children die before you.
Not nature's way.
You have never lost a kid.
I might as well have lost my Rodney for all the use he is.
Oh.
I was just wondering when you'd
be coming back to the house.
It's Liam, he needs his mom.
He needs you there.
So I'm a bad mother now.
No, no.
Someone who can't even produce a child their own,
calling me a bad mother!
That's not what I said!
Here's me grieving, and she's telling me
that I'm a bad mother.
I didn't.
I didn't say that.
Fuck's sake, Libby, show some sensitivity.
You should be helping instead of hindering.
It's all right, it's OK.
Oh!
About before.
The less from you, the better.
You need to lie down, kid.
You're exhausted.
That baby will come out pie-eyed.
Should be ashamed of herself.
Everyone deals with grief in different ways.
And getting pissed and moving back in with their ex is hers,
I suppose?
I thought you were cleverer than that.
Your aura's all wrong, for a soon-to-be married man.
Oh, that'll be the small matter of losing our daughter.
Don't grieve, love.
She's on a higher plane.
I studied under a Reiki master in Glastonbury.
Three months in a year.
Your Kundalini needs raising.
Your chakras can't function properly.
Oh, I feel for you.
There is nothing wrong with me other than the obvious.
You're in denial.
Spirits battling-- am I doing the right thing?
If you mean Libby, I am doing the right thing.
Someone needs to tell Fiona.
Then call her.
It's not something you can do over the phone.
She'll be upset.
Need family with her.
She's got a husband.
I'll call you when I get there.
Then me and Fiona can drive over and see Lip.
There's no way I can let you leave.
You can't stop me.
Wait there, I'll fetch your mom and dad.
[music playing]
Liam's--
Oh no.
Fuck.
Lib?
Oh!
It wasn't how it looked!
Her on her knees, you with your trousers
'round your ankles?
Libby, she was just trying it on.
You know, Indian head massages, she was
trying to raise me diphthong.
You've got cold feet.
Been having second thoughts, it's obvious!
I've been having them ever since we named the day.
Fuck.
I've been thinking about me track record,
and whether I've got the stamina for another stab at matrimony.
And the fact that I'm still here says yes, says I still
want to marry you, doesn't it?
I don't know.
Nothing happened.
And if you don't believe that, let's call the whole thing off.
I owe you an apology.
I was rude, insensitive.
Obviously I didn't know, and I'm sorry.
Cheers.
How about you buy me a drink sometime?
Make up for it?
I don't drink.
I'm Muslim.
Are you not supposed to drink?
How about something to eat, then?
Muslims eat, don't they?
It's been known.
Chinese buffet in town, all you can eat for a fiver.
Can't blame a man for trying, can you, Ches?
Do yourself a favor, mate.
Don't go there.
She's more trouble than she's worth.
You'll never change him.
Two previous wives failed miserably,
and you've got nothing they weren't equipped with.
It's time to admit defeat, surrender.
There's no shame in it.
You want to be with me?
Say it.
I want to be with you.
Say it again.
I want to be with you.
I want to marry you.
Prove it.
[music playing]
It's a start.
Anyway, as soon as Milly's here in the morning,
I'll be gone. - Good.
That's my house, you old bitch!
Stopped being your house when you
walked out, the second time.
Oh, give it a bloody rest, Liam.
I had to go.
This place was killing me, and you know it.
Why did you come back?
For you, and Carl.
Your sister's dead.
Why did you really come back?
I'm your mother, isn't that reason enough?
No.
Anyway, what's between your dad
and me is above right and wrong.
No, not now!
Someone's trying to get through.
Away!
Get away from me!
[music playing]
[crying in next room]
She came to me.
Debbie came to me.
She can't rest.
She was holding a dress, a wedding dress,
and she was shaking her head.
Came to you in a dream, as opposed
to you just having a dream?
You won't stifle my spirit with your cynicism.
I've had visitations in the past, all proved true.
A coalition government, collapse of the banking system,
Dannii Minogue's pregnancy.
Her spirit's in torment.
She can't pass over until she's healed.
Only you can heal her, Frank.
You have the power.
[phone ringing]
We've got to focus, concentrate.
Can you switch your phones off?
What's going on, mom?
Just clearing the channels.
She's trying to come through.
[phone ringing]
It's bad spirits.
[tapping]
Out!
[phone shutting down]
[banging]
[knocking]
She says she's been trying to call you,
but there's something wrong with your phones.
Eh?
Debbie.
She's alive.
Alive!
[fireworks]
Don't be waiting for a wedding invitation.
You won't be invited.
He'll let you down.
It might take months, might take years.
Probably take weeks.
But he'll let you down.
| was just a joke that got out of hand.
You knew what you were doing, mom.
I find out our marriage is over in a letter.
A letter!
You brought it on yourself.
Abandonment!
Phone.
I never even had him to abandon.
He always had something more interesting to occupy himself
with than me or his kids.
I just wanted to hurt him like he hurt me.
So you tell him Debbie's dead to hurt him.
All right, so I was wrong.
Naughty mommy.
You hurt the rest of us, too.
How dare he be so fucking happy!
I've got 18 grand coming my way.
Come with me.
No.
Disneyland.
Florida, not the shit one.
All right.
You better be off, then.
I'll wait until the bus comes.
It'll only make it worse.
Anyway, your dad will need you.
He'll be all right.
Stag night should sort him out.
Stag night?
Tonight.
Bye.
[music playing]
Jackson!
Stag do, tonight?
Sorry, I'm busy, Carl.
Relatives coming.
Lockdown!
Forgot to tell you, they've cancelled.
He'll be there.
Fuck did you do that for?
Because it's the third time you've been asked,
and the third time you've said no.
What have I got in common with any of them?
Football, politics, and I'm sure one or two of them
might have even heard of Martin Luther King,
and swung their pants to Bob Marley in their time.
You think this is about color.
No, I think it's about you being
an uptight conceited tosspot with a superiority complex.
You're a trainee teacher, not a fucking Nobel Prize winner.
And if we've got any chance of fitting in 'round here,
you'd do well to remember that.
I am not having a stag do.
But we need to celebrate.
Liam's coming as well to keep an eye on him.
Someone's gotta make sure he gets home in one piece,
and it ain't gonna be me.
No, no, no, no.
We need to a theme.
Come as your favorite blonde.
Marilyn, Madonna, Hulk Hogan.
Elvis.
Oh I'm liking that one.
Young Elvis, old Elvis, fat Elvis.
Dead Elvis.
I am not fucking dressing for anyone.
Which means there's only one thing for it then.
[music playing]
Jackson, voddie chaser?
Bit early, cheers, Jamie.
Half a lager will do me.
Good call, mate.
Where's Frank's?
That's more like it, baby.
Open them legs!
Fuckin' have some of that!
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Get up, lad!
Party games!
Oh, fuck that.
How old do you think I am?
[yelling]
Bouncy castle!
[cheering]
Don't be shy!
Pin the tail on the donkey.
[cheering]
[music playing]
[chanting]
You know, to say I was not looking forward to tonight
is an understatement.
Obviously.
It has been fucking montu-fucking-mental!
For
Yeah, baby!
It's times like this when you know who your real friends are?
Aw, we love you too, Frank.
Carl, your dad's getting all emotional.
Friends, brothers in arms, you know.
Who cares, you know, who's willing to go that extra mile.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think that's going a bit too far, actually, mate.
[yelling]
Fuck right off!
Have a great night's sleep!
Bastards!
You bast-- Liam!
Liam!
[howling]
You look like shit, mimi.
And And you sell your fanny for a living,
but do you hear me going on about that?
What was it exactly they were arrested for?
[MUSIC - VANGELIS, "CHARIOTS OF FIRE"]
[yelling]
So did Frank behave himself?
I made sure it.
Home, please, now.
Sorry?
She's due a feed in an hour.
Good night?
It was all right.
Wouldn't have bothered if you hadn't pushed me.
Fry up back at home, Carl.
Vitamin C, and a darkened room.
Morning.
Wait!
Where's Frank?
It was a night of revelry, high spirits.
All I want to know is, where is he?
Will you please take this seriously?
Frank is missing.
The man I intend to marry has disappeared,
and I need to know where he's got to.
Off dipping his wick somewhere it's not wanted,
spilling his seed.
Look, we're sorry, we really can't remember much.
Where did you see him last?
Before we proceed, I think Liam should leave the room,
this could get ugly.
He's fine with ugly.
That brass was a right minger, wasn't she?
[music playing]
A prostitute?
No offense.
None taken.
Even I draw the line at prepubescent!
And whose bright idea was that?
What were you doing in a brothel?
You weren't treating Frank to anything, were you?
No, he weren't there then, he'd left.
Left?
You let him go.
On his own?
Libby, we were pissed.
What those men did--
call them men.
Your first time only happens once,
and it shouldn't happen at the age of 12, shoved into a room
with a woman old enough to be your mother.
She's was 18.
I don't know if that's worse.
We didn't do it.
You mean you're intacto?
I'm not sure that term applies to the male of the species.
I gave her money for her time, won it back
in the game of three-card brag.
Kept enough for a fish supper and a cab home.
When was the last time you saw him?
Think, Liam, please.
In the cemetery.
He'll be all right.
I know he will be.
[music playing]
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, but no.
But it can't be yeah but no.
You either saw him or you didn't.
It was someone like that, but black.
This guy was dressed like that, but a dwarf.
No, he was definitely Asian.
He had a terrible problem with saliva, kept dribbling.
These are from Mimi.
You told her we were having Libby's hen do here.
Mm-hmm.
Why?
Because Libby needs cheering up.
And I fancy a bit of female company.
Who's invited?
Plenty more where this came from.
Loads left in the kitty, too.
We can splash what's left on the stripper.
Bit of a busman's holiday for me, Lillian.
No cock, please.
So lager, cider, vodka, mixers, and no cock?
I'll have a cock if it's on offer.
You'll have to bring your own.
Can we not just have a little cock?
Well, the little one's hardly worth having, is it?
[music playing]
Just off to the pub.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Don't rush back.
And ladies!
Sorry, can I just ask you don't touch the vinyl.
Collector's items.
Alphabetized, would you believe?
I would if I knew what it meant.
And I should move this too.
Bloody hell, it looks brewery under here.
Oh, shit!
You've not toasted Libby yet.
And you're not getting out of here until you do.
Put a smile on your face, for everyone's sake,
if not your own.
Something's wrong, mom.
I can feel it.
Liam said he's done this type of thing
a thousand times when he was with Monica.
But he's never done it once while he's been with me.
Maybe he's got cold feet.
There's no maybe about it, the man doesn't want to marry you.
What more does he need to do to convince you?
You're determined to see me unhappy.
I'm determined to make you see sense.
You asked him to prove he loved you,
and he's failed miserably, end of story.
[music - rihanna, "rude boy"]
All right, you don't mind, do you?
The pub was a bit empty.
Food's that way, booze on the table.
Anything could land us in courts in the backyard
and at your own risk.
How many's he had?
One?
Yes, lads!
You made it!
[cheering]
Cheers, Jackson!
I think mum might be right.
Maybe I pushed him too far.
Made too many demands.
Maybe I frightened him off.
Maybe he's sleeping off mother of all hangovers,
and you'll see him bright and bushy-eyed tomorrow morning.
Chill, Libs.
Stress is a killer!
Never happier than when she's got
something to complain about.
[cheering]
Would you look at that?
Terrible behaviour.
Off, off, off, off off off!
Off! Off!
What is it you're on, Mimi?
Off! Off!
Off!
Holy Mother preserve us.
Come on, Mimi.
It's not that big.
Come on, mom.
Mom.
Oh fuck, ambulance, quick!
Mam? Mam!
Give us your phone.
Good luck, Mimi!
[siren]
Frank!
FRANK: (VOICEOVER) And even if you do find that you are indeed
the only being in existence, and that everyone else-- every
thing else in your world--
is merely a figment of your imagination, just enjoy it.
[whirring]
[theme music playing]
Ba ba da ba.
Ba ba da ba da ba.
Ba ba da ba.
Ba ba da ba da ba.
Ba ba da da.
Ba ba da ba da ba.
Ba ba da ba da ba ba da ba ba ba da ba, ba da ba ba ba.
FRANK: (VOICEOVER) You hear about these alien abductions,
and it's all terror and fear, one-
eyed green monsters dragging you across the universe
to aid their experiments.
But That's not been my experience.
Quite the opposite, in fact.
No complains thus far.
No interference of any sort, you know, no temperature taken,
no blood pressure, no blood samples.
Even managed to escape the old anal probing.
I think I spoke too soon.
[farting]
[yelling]
[groaning]