[sirens]
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by Him upstairs.
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on Earth could ever replace kids needing
money, or wives in your face?
Cause this, people reckon-- and me included-- is why pubs
and drugs were kindly invented.
To clam us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estates' basic essentials.
We are worth every penny.
Grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
[laughter]
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'll come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history.
Cheaper drugs now!
Scatter!
Party!
[shouting]
IAN (VOICEOVER): Had this mate when I was a kid.
It was that rarest of things around our way--
an only child.
The only lad I've ever known who had
a bedroom he didn't have to share,
clothes that hadn't been handed down.
Didn't have to throw his food down his neck
before someone else whipped it off the plate.
But he was still a misterable twat, because it turns out
the one thing he wanted was the one
thing his mom and dad couldn't give him-- a brother or sister.
And I said, have mine.
Have any of them.
Have all of them.
They're not worth the bother.
And I'll always remember this.
He said, I would if I could.
[screaming] - Ian!
MAN: Shut the fuck up!
IAN (VOICEOVER): I would if I could.
Ian!
Fuck off!
No!
Shut the fuck up.
Come here, and shut up the fuck up!
[shouting]
Ian!
No!
[shouting]
Ian, what the fuck are you doing?
Fucking--
Ian!
Shouldn't have done this.
He did this, not you.
And brought him back here?
We should never have brought him back here.
He's going to pay.
We'll have to call the police.
And we might need an ambulance, too.
No, him.
Not me.
What?
He could be dead!
[grunting]
Oh my god. Oh my god.
- He's not. - Oh my god.
What are you worried about him for?
After what he nearly did to you.
Hey, it's all right.
It's all right.
You're all right.
Hey.
Call the police!
And say what?
We're the ones that'll end up in court.
Have you seen the state of his face?
You reckon it'll work?
She's done her research.
Coppers are behind her.
More supervision than endorsement.
Well, they can't be seen to support this kind of thing,
can we?
Guns for vodka?
Unless, of course, it's a big success, in which case
they'll be grabbing all the credit they can.
Even if it just gets one gun off the street.
Whoever saves one life saves the world entire.
Tallwood.
Bollocks.
Gallagher.
Are you still in pain?
Lillian reckons it might be the menopause.
Stomach upsets could be one of the symptoms.
One of the myriads.
HOw's your fufu?
Your Marty.
Your dugout.
Your glangial gasket.
Your sausage press.
Your flower.
Is it full bloom or wilting?
Me fanny?
It's fine, thank you.
Lesser men would blush.
Are you irritable?
Well, that's hardly a symptom.
She's always fucking irritable.
See?
Another life saved.
Delivered from a quick death by bullet.
Condemned to a slow, lingering demise as cirrhosis
rots his young liver.
Hats off to Libby.
[gunshot]
We need to leave.
About Conor?
Maybe it's best if we just leave Connor out of this.
You're his mother.
Besides, I think Jamie might have his hands
full for the next few days.
Let's stay and watch the fireworks.
He said he'd kill you.
I don't want to lose you.
So you'll walk out on Connor?
And leave him here with them?
With him?
Yeah.
No.
I don't know.
So So we go.
We'll fuck off.
Leave the baby, and all that crap.
That goff you were feeding me about us
being a nice little family--
we'll just forget about that, yeah?
Out - What option have I got?
None of this would have happened if you
hadn't walked into the pub saying what you said.
You gave me the eye when I was planning
on hooking up with your sister. - When I told you not to.
- Your best mate. - You gave me no choice.
Your fault I fell in love.
You gave him no choice.
Me and Mandy were happy enough before you came along.
I'd never so much as looked at another woman.
It's down to you.
And your tight tops, and your short skirts.
Well, it's a good job I love you as much as I do.
Who else would have you, eh?
Should we stay for Connor?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Oh-- Mom, if you're going to drop one, give
us a bit of notice, will ya?
Been blaming the dog all morning,
and we haven't even got one.
Shut up, you nob.
I want you to keep an eye on him.
Keep him busy.
Keep him away from Joe.
But why?
I want to see him kick the bastard's head on.
Rip his arms off.
He'll gouge his eyes out!
Fry his-- spleen.
Spleen?
Jame, you'll be back inside before he knows it.
Oh, so we just let it go?
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
What the fuck does that mean?
What the fuck does what mean?
Won't it be best if you let me go?
Keep my boss off your back.
Don't think you're in any position to make demands,
do you? - He'll be missing me.
I'm sure he'll be able to find someone
else to do whatever the fuck it is you do for next to nothing.
These jeans cost more than you earn in a month.
Shoes twice that.
I spend more on a haircut than you do
on your fucking tracky bottoms.
Yeah?
It's interesting.
A slap, and not a punch.
I ain't got a clue where I am.
Blindfold me.
Take me in the back of your car.
Drop me anywhere you like.
Just lose me.
Knowing when he sees what a mess you made of my face
he won't be able to do the same to yours because he
won't be able to find you.
And you think I'm scared of your sugardaddy?
I think you should be.
Some sad bastard that can only get a fuck by paying for it?
Ha!
Love to see you say that to his face.
Yeah.
You don't call me a fucking queer, yeah?
You didn't call me a dirty little cocksucker.
Why's that?
[ringing]
He's just noticed I'm missing.
[ringing]
Pocket.
[moaning]
[ringing]
Connor.
I want him back.
We want him back.
We can do this privately.
Here, now.
Or we'll settle it in court.
I don't want to, for Connor's sake.
But I will if I have to.
I want my son.
My son.
DNA test.
My son.
There's more to a father than just
being there at the conception.
I'll see you in court, yeah?
I never would have imagined there
were so many guns out there.
Been in mothballs since the Hacienda set up shop.
Manchester.
So much to answer for.
All this effort.
For what?
For a safer community.
To show the decent folk out there
there are other decent folk who would
be horrified at the prospect of even holding a gun.
Never mind using one.
If my life was in danger, I'd plug anyone
without a second thought.
It sounds like constipation to me.
I'm in agony.
Need a [inaudible].
It normally clears me pipes.
MIMI (VOICEOVER): We need to talk about Roscoe.
McCrae supplies him with a lot of money.
150 grand.
And the boys are gonna rob him.
Shut the fuck up.
Make my fucking die!
Give it here, mate.
Get the money.
When I find out who you fuckers are!
[cheering]
MIMI (VOICEOVER): Make sure my boys
are ready to handle Roscoe, and whoever comes after him.
Go and tell Jamie to get out of the pub till I ring him.
Just say Roscoe.
Now.
Mimi.
Paddy's not here.
I know.
[sipping]
You don't scare me.
I survived 11 years of a Thatcher government.
[screaming]
Bloody terrifies the fucking life out of me!
Come on!
Backing up.
Frank?
You still alive?
Just.
You never know.
There might be a bullet out there with me name on it.
Could be one in here.
[laughter]
What can I do for ya?
What I can do for you.
Word might get around that you're--
vulnerable, Mimi.
A woman on her own.
I'm covered, Roscoe.
Safe.
[glass shattering]
[clattering]
[shouting]
Roscoe.
Nutcase runs [inaudible].
Ian, we need help with this.
This is way out of our league!
Call Carl.
What the fuck use is he going to be?
You can trust him, and he'll be able to help us.
The first person you think of to help us, and it's Carl.
The first fucking thought that comes into your head.
The first word that comes out of your mouth, and it's him.
I wonder why that is, eh?
Because he's your brother.
[doorbell]
MAN: May we come in?
WOMAN: No.
MAN: Well, maybe if we just come in--
WOMAN: No. No, no.
No.
Honestly, it's not a good time.
I did say no.
You know how persistent they can be.
You'll have to go.
Not before you answer me one question.
Have you found him?
No.
We haven't found anybody. Have we?
No. No, love.
Would you let him into your life?
Who?
- Jesus. - No.
I can't. I'm too busy.
Two minutes of your time?
MAN: Help!
Someone need you? MAN: Help!
Fucking help me!
It-- it's the radio.
MAN: He'll fucking kill me!
Arches.
MAN: Help!
Help!
In the kitchen!
Come in.
What?
Have a coffee.
Sit a spell.
Maybe I could just leave you a pamphlet, or--
No, fuck the pamplhet.
We need your help now.
Any advice you can give us, really.
Yeah, yeah. We're ripe for a conversion.
He's a sodomite, and I've lain with his brother.
Oh, get out!
[laughter]
[shouting]
MAN: Fuck!
[laughter]
This estate has gone to the dogs.
Paddy Maguire has took his eye off the ball,
and the peasants have gone fucking feral.
No respect.
That's why I called you.
I took it upon myself to install a bit of discipline
into their lives.
Get feudal on their asses.
You might want to pull the shutters down on your shop.
Might not be around long enough to need to.
Thanks for that tip about the Jockey.
I'll do a nice bit of business out of there.
I owe ya.
Yeah.
[baby crying]
Shh.
I don't want him anywhere near the pub,
in case Karen and Joe turn up.
Nappies.
Wipes.
He's due a feed in half an hour.
Just Just pop it in the microwave
and take the chill off it, yeah?
Breast's best, you know?
Builds up his immune system.
So I've heard.
My Rodney's never had a cold to this day.
33, and not even as much as a sniffle.
He was on the tit till he were 11.
Then I had to stop when the dentist fitted his brace.
If only one of us were lactating.
I only have to hear a baby cry,
and I'm off like a garden sprinkler.
See?
Mother nature's miracle.
[clattering]
Shh!
Roscoe could come in any second.
Mom's managed to convince him that the [inaudible]
weren't given a second chance, which
means more guns in that box.
You got me in here to tell me that?
Well, Kneecaps Neville said if we can get our hands
on any of the shooters. He'd give us a good price.
He reckons he can shift the lot, we'll be minted.
So all we've got to do, then, is distract the copper?
Unscrew the 6 inch bolts from the floor.
Pick up the bin with all the hardware inside.
And sneak it out without anybody noticing.
Mom?
When you was in labor with Mickey,
was he deprived of oxygen at any point?
No.
Did his diet lack nutrients essential for
fetal neurological development?
Nope.
Dropped him on his head?
- That was you. - Ah, right.
So your behavior weren't any different
when you had the rest of us? - No.
Why?
I was just wondering, you know,
how he became so earth-shatteringly
fucking thick!
Could be hereditary.
Well, you know, I--
Paddy's side, obviously.
Yeah.
Potato famine.
Lack of-- spuds.
Bount to have an effects on the old--
Yeah?
So, the girl's--
what?
Friend?
Girlfriend?
I still haven't decided what to do with you yet.
My radar's working overtime.
I'm not getting girlfriend.
I could kill you right here, right now,
and no one would ever know. - Not the way you looked at me.
- Bury you on the moor. - Seen that a thousand times.
Don't push it!
Been in lots of cars with loads of men like you,
who have got that same look in their eyes.
- What look? - That one.
Fucking the ass off me while I'm bent over the baby seat.
[screaming]
[clicking]
[click]
[inaudible] little foible.
Had his favorite gun modified.
Piss?
I thought you didn't have the bottle,
but now I know you have.
Let me go.
Please.
Ian-- I-- I heard her say your name before.
I'll do anything to get out of here alive.
Anything.
You say when and where.
It'll be our little secret.
You'd sooner fuck me than kill me, wouldn't you?
Yeah.
Yeah, I would.
What's that?
Hostage negotiations?
Well, it's true.
Fuck's sake, Max, wouldn't you?
Sooner fuck anyone than kill him?
Ian, that shouldn't have even crossed your fucking mind.
I am committed to you.
I've entertained the idea of me and you getting married.
It's crossed my mind, having kids one day.
You know, the way it does.
I get as far as the wedding day, and me and you at the altar.
When the priest asks, if anyone knows
of any reason why these two shouldn't get
married, and I turn to you.
And I say, promise--
promise me you will never, ever even
think about sleeping with another man.
But you'd never ask a straight bloke
to promise never to think about sleeping with another woman.
Which is what you say at the altar.
Which is why I walk out.
You want to see him dead?
Ian, no.
[ringing]
10 minutes.
Hold the fort. - Where are you off?
Mind your fucking own.
When I'm running to risk of the Maguires legging it in here
and taking a pop at you, it is my fucking own!
Don't open until I get back.
Joe?
I'm just on my way out.
Where are you going?
Pack your stuff.
Wait in the car for me.
We're getting out of this shit hole.
Kelly.
Special request.
I told ya I was off duty till later.
You've been asked for.
Recommended.
By who?
A big tipper.
Karen.
You OK?
Hey.
I just need to make him understand exactly
what's going on in my mind.
How can I do that when I hardly know myself?
I need to be honest, but I'm--
I'm not sure it's honesty he wants.
Jamie or Joe?
He's built this kind of fantasy world.
It doesn't stand up.
It's built on nothing.
It's what he wants things to be, as opposed to the way they are.
Joe.
We're leaving, and I don't know if I want to.
Just tell him.
You know what he's like.
Look, if you need to speak to him,
and you want someone to be there--
You're best keeping out of it.
But thanks.
Fuck.
I'm coming with ya.
Don't get involved.
It's not your business.
No, you're my mate.
I'll come.
I've got nowhere else to be.
Look, I'll jump in the boot.
He won't even know I'm there.
Fuck off, Ian.
You're know more mad than I am.
Karen! You ready?
We're going.
Karen!
I told you to get your stuff!
Come on.
For fuck's sake, Karen!
Grab what you need, and leave the rest.
Now!
It's another fiver for extracurricular.
Fuck!
Lillian!
[baby crying]
You haven't seen us, right?
Put the clothes in the back.
Connor.
It's me. - Right, Karen.
Karen!
Right.
Cheers, mate.
Tell Roscoe we're quits.
Where the fuck are they?
They got off in a car.
They just ran out! - Where are they going?
I don't know.
They've got my son!
They've got my fucking son!
Please, Jamie.
Fuck.
Jamie, no.
Roscoe's out there.
I will hunt you down.
I don't care where I have to go, what I have to do,
how long it takes.
I will track you down, and I will fucking kill you!
You know, with all the excitement I forgot to ask
where it is we're heading to.
Surprise.
I think I've had enough surprises for one day, Joe.
Shouldn't take us too long to get there.
Three, four hours, tops.
Where?
Like we can afford that.
You've bought?
This is too fast, Joe.
Yesterday I was somebody's wife.
I knew what to do when I got up what needed to be
done before I went to bed.
I had a routine.
Boring. Predictable.
Mundane.
Mind numbing.
Your words, not mine.
Yeah, but what I meant was--
No buts.
You said it, Karen.
Time after time.
Well, that's just what you say.
When things get too much--
it's your way of coping.
This This is what you wanted.
No, this is what you've told me I wanted.
You made your fucking mind up.
[baby crying]
I know what this is all about.
You've had your meds.
And what's that got to do with anything?
You should try and give them a miss now and again.
You're more fun.
Cheers.
Ta.
Can't believe the filth fell for that.
100%.
Unlike the vodka.
They're turning a blind eye to the incentive,
but willing to try anything for a result.
And it seems to be working.
My Brandon was shot.
I say shot--
I mean assassinated.
Was he a politician?
No.
An MP?
He worked in the abbatoir.
He was the one who-- you know?
His was the last face seen by many an unfortunate bovine.
I reckon it was a homie who had an eye on my patch.
[laughter]
What, your fucking cabbage patch?
Lillian, your work on this planet
is done to [inaudible] your own people.
It's impressed no one.
They're going to come and surprise me.
Wait and say if they don't.
It's going to be the horse's head,
and offers I can't refuse.
Fuck knows it's been years since you've had one of them.
Nothing you'd like to hand to the policeman, Mr. Roscoe?
My phone number.
Wit, as well as good looks?
What a catch.
Do you know who I am?
It's not a game of who the fuck are you.
You want to keep your missus under control, Frank.
Hey, it's nothing to do with me.
If you want to have a pop at her, go for it.
Fucking hell.
Villains.
You get rid of one, and another springs up in their place, eh?
Like warts.
I never thought I'd say this, but bring
back Paddy Maguire, eh?
Cheers.
What are you doing?
I've gotta lay low till Jamie pops Roscoe,
so I thought I'd put me time to good use.
Cut through here, grab the guns, pass 'em to Kneecaps,
and I'm quids in.
Except that if you carry on sawing there
you'll have the fruit machine through.
I measured it.
Five paces from the wall.
That's not the same wall.
This is the support wall.
The wall upstairs is the stud wall.
You're about-- 6 foot out.
You need to cut--
here.
Good luck, Mickey.
Is me mom back?
She's behind the bar with Kelly.
Right.
You can help me these guns.
60-40.
50-50.
65-35.
Bye, Mickey.
Well, all right.
[laughter]
I can't stop smiling.
You, me, junior.
Can't believe we did that.
I wish I'd have seen Jamie's face.
This is funny?
Karen, this is fucking hysterical.
That bastard's hidden behind his family for too long.
Get him on his own, and all he is is his father's son.
Thought this is what you wanted?
You, me, and him?
Him?
Just never thought this would be the way I got him.
That's all.
How did you manage it?
You should have seen his face.
Went to him this morning.
Give us Connor back. Back
You did that?
You were missing your child.
Of course I did.
Not your kid, he says.
DNA test says he is.
You've had a test done?
You've had a test done, and you didn't even think to tell me?
[laughter]
He didn't know that, did he?
Didn't even look at it, thank fuck.
So he thinks Connor's yours?
What did he say?
The sort of crap you'd expect from him.
Some sentimental bullshit about how
it takes more than being in at the conception to be a dad.
Tough.
Babe, uh--
All behind us now, though, eh?
Soon as we get settled, get the divorce over and done with.
Nice little house, a few kids of our own.
Of our own?
You know what I mean.
A few little Pritchards.
You come here often?
Not often enough.
All right, just give us a name.
Give anything, all right?
And you don't fucking heed what is being said.
I'm just telling you--
Shane, Roscoe.
Oh, fucking hell.
He's pissed.
Oi!
I thought you were supposed to be offering us protection.
I need protection from this soft sod.
Sit down.
Something that I've always wanted to know.
Fuck off.
Hello again.
Just been working down in the cellar.
I love working up a sweat, though.
Aye. First
Thirsty work.
Better get you a drink then, eh?
My usual, and whatever this young man wants.
Ice?
[car alarm]
[shouting]
Hey!
You little bastards!
Fucking hell!
We meet again.
Where's Jamie, Mimi?
I'd steer well clear for now if I were you.
What happened?
And the baby-- I didn't have a clue.
Not now, Chesney. I'm dying.
It had naught to do with me.
I'm fucking dying!
[groan]
Just trying to ring you.
Roscoe is-- - Right behind ya.
[screaming]
Paddy Maguire has three sons.
This is one of 'em.
I'm guessing that's the other two.
Get them here.
Get fucked, Roscoe.
[gun cocking]
Wait!
[coughing]
Shane, you'd best go back to the pub.
Roscoe is here.
He's got Jamie.
What's Connor going to do for a dad if you're not here?
[clapping]
Whoa!
Frank, Frank.
Look, we need you to help.
Once we get the guns, we go upstairs and we sort Roscoe.
[laughter]
A puff, a psycho, and a-- and a-- a--
Piss artist?
I was going to say invalid, actually.
What fucking use are we going to be?
Come on.
We've got family up there!
Friends.
Loved ones who are facing their darkest hour.
We're their only hope.
Look, without us, our--
intervention-- they're facing certain death.
Oh, fucking--
And it may get tough--
and some of us might not get out alive--
but at least we tried.
The odds-- they be stacked against us.
But we can do this.
Just remember what it was that turned
this country from Britain into Great Britain.
Courage.
Tenacity.
No.
Being really fucking sneaky.
Getting in there first, and swatting the cunts before they
know what's hit them!
Are you with us?
You need to cut there.
[baby crying]
Might help if you were a little less tense.
He'll be picking up on that.
You think Jamie's just going to let this go?
The trick with people like Jamie--
all the Maguires-- is to make them believe
they're better than they are.
Convince them they're more intelligent than you.
Stronger than you.
More ruthless than you.
And whilst they're busy going around thinking
they're God's gift--
If he finds out--
I can handle it.
And what about Paddy?
Because when he hears--
He won't.
He's not the only one with family in Ireland.
I don't think we'll be seeing Paddy again.
On my count.
One, two--
[clattering]
Delivery vans.
Speed bumps.
We're getting a petition up.
Council's fucking useless.
You rang, milady?
Three.
Hello.
Don't be sad.
Two out of three ain't bad.
Meatloaf.
Modern poet.
Yeah, but he, uh-- he didn't actually write any of it.
You owe me.
The money we robbed you was counterfeit.
It wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.
I don't give a fuck.
It cost me 150k a gear.
You owe me.
We'll get you your money.
And what about the damage to my reputation?
How are you going to compensate me for that?
What have you got in mind?
This place.
You should let these people go.
They've got nothing to do with this.
ROSCOE: Nobody's going anywhere until your brother shows up.
And I don't care how long it takes.
Why don't you let the women go?
How about letting the women speak for themselves?
I'm not going without you.
And I'm not going if she's not.
And if you kill one of them, you're going
to have to kill all of us.
Are you going to tell me?
Whatever the fuck it is that's on your mind?
Everything's changed.
Everything.
Who you are-- or at least who I thought you were.
I thought you'd be pleased.
Pleased?
The things I've done to get you.
To win you. - Win?
You're having second thoughts.
Joe, I've not even had time to have first thoughts.
I've not even had time to think about what
it is that I genuinely want.
You forced the situation.
I didn't choose this, and Connor didn't choose this.
[breakes squealing]
Then choose now!
Choose!
- You're frightening him. - Give him to Jamie.
He's such a good fucking dad. - He's my son.
You were trying to get rid of him a few months back.
Couldn't stand the sight of him. - I was ill.
No!
You're wagging the finger at me, and you were packing junior
to anyone who'd have him. - Connor.
His name his Connor!
Fucking screaming my name whilst his--
I was ill!
I sacrificed everything for you,
and this is how you repay me?
I don't know whether this is what I want?
Well fuck you!
Karen.
Karen!
I'm sorry, and I'm stupid!
I didn't mean-- - Is that what you told Mandy?
You drove me to it?
It's not my fault?
Who the fuck are you phoning?
I knew it wouldn't work. I knew it.
Me and you might have been all right for a few hours
behind Jamie's back.
Ah!
Joe, no!
You're calling him?
We've not got a chance.
After everything I've done for you?
- Connor deserves-- - Sacrificed for you!
I need to get home. I need to sort this.
He doesn't love--
I need to tell him that this, from start to finish--
Doesn't love you like I love you!
I never loved you.
You were a fuck.
Say you love me.
Say that you love me!
Get off me!
Do you love me?
Say you love me!
Please, Karen.
Say you love me!
More than Jamie!
Say you love me!
Get off her!
[coughing]
[shouting]
[gasping]
Hey.
Listen, right?
Go home and do whatever it takes to make it work with Jamie.
I'll take care of this.
You go.
Just go.
[baby crying]
Shh.
Connor, it's OK.
[clock ticking]
Doesn't look like he's coming.
So what's it to be?
This is not your fight.
You point a gun at my friends' heads, you make it my fight.
Fuck's sake.
You can go.
All of ya.
But you two-- stay.
Doesn't sound like a very good deal to me.
- Or me! - Or me!
- Or me. - Or me.
Or me.
- Or me. - Or me.
FRANK: Or me!
I was forced into it.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Or me.
[screaming]
IAN (VOICEOVER): What is it they say?
You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family?
Cause in the end that's all you've got, innit?
Family.
Doesn't matter if family's you and your mates,
you and your girl, you and your fella.
Or you, your mom, dad, and those bastards
that stuck your head under the duvet when they farted.
It's all family.
Checkmate.
I don't think so, Roscoe.
[screaming]
[baby crying]
IAN (VOICEOVER): It's all family.
All of it.
ROSCOE: Fuck.
[cheering]
[baby crying]
[theme music]