[music playing]
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch Pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
What sound on earth could ever replace kids needing
money and wives in your face.
'Cause this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented.
To calm us all down.
Stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny.
We're grinding your axes.
You shit on our head, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers.
We'll come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now.
JOE (VOICEOVER): When you were a kid,
the birthday's a day of sweets, fizzy drinks, and throwing up.
When you're older, it's a night of drugs,
alcohol, and throwing up.
I don't mind the celebrating.
It's everything else that I don't get.
The sinister shit, people hiding in the dark,
surprising you with a cake on fire
and singing that fucking horrible song,
that first note like a durge.
And all that makes you think, this isn't a song about life,
this is a song about fucking death.
[music playing]
CROWD: Drink, drink, drink, drink!
JOE (VOICEOVER): Which I suppose it kind of is.
Another year, another step nearer the grave.
Another year where nothing's happened,
when nothing's changed.
Happy fucking birthday.
[cheering]
Joe Pritchard, I need a word.
CROWD: Oh, yeah!
In private.
He's been a very naughty boy, officer.
CROWD: Ohhh!
He's going to go down.
Listen, ladies, when I do go down,
I go down for a very long time.
CROWD: Oooh!
And you are going to have to throw the book at me for this.
CROWD: Oooh!
(SINGING) Get your tits up, get your tits up,
get your tits up for the lads!
Mr. Pritchard, I'm sorry to say that your father's been
involved in a serious accident.
He died earlier this evening.
[music playing]
I'm sorry.
[music playing]
JOE (VOICEOVER): Don't put stuff off
till tomorrow because tomorrow might never come.
Take the pill, neck the drink, and fuck the married woman.
[MUSIC - THE KINKS, "SET ME FREE"] Freedom--
Karen.
[MUSIC - THE KINKS, "SET ME FREE"] All you got to do is--
Hiya.
Sorry to hear about your dad.
[MUSIC - THE KINKS, "SET ME FREE"] We can do--
What's this?
[MUSIC - THE KINKS, "SET ME FREE"] Do is set me free.
It's our new house.
You, me, our baby.
[MUSIC - THE KINKS, "SET ME FREE"] Set me free,
little girl.
You're not thinking of playing today, are you?
It'll do me good, keep my mind occupied, you know.
I'll be outside.
We are going to get battered again, aren't we?
You lot have given up before we've even kicked off.
[inaudible] boys, just like the pre-match rules say.
Thank you.
Fuck off.
Well, Mimi's not coming today, so she's asked yours truly
to escort you, just to make sure you are sober for kick-off,
you only get tea at halftime, and nobody
gets done for assault.
They won't give me the ball back.
It's called an hat trick.
Fuck.
So don't worry, I'm not here to interfere with you.
Unless you want me to, of course.
[groans]
MAN: Fucking soda.
[dog barking]
Why not?
My home, my husband, my baby.
Our baby.
You don't know that.
And neither do you.
Come with me for one night, let me show you what
it could be like, us together.
I can just leave here for a night.
I'm not going to leave Jamie and I'm not going
to walk away from everything.
[door slams]
Do you want a half?
Oh, no thanks.
I'm not smoking.
Ian's got his football, it's about time I had something.
Keep practicing circles.
Picasso could paint a perfect circle.
[music playing]
All right, boys.
Tea's on the way.
Some pain killers for your back?
It must be hurting, the amount of times
you've had to pick the ball out of the back of the net.
Because this [inaudible]
[interposing voices]
Can't blame it all on MIckey.
What do you know about it?
They're dictating all the play.
You're giving them too much space.
They're pulling you apart on the wings, drawing you out wide,
and then pummelling you straight down the middle.
But like you say, Chesney, what would I know about it, now,
being a puff and all?
And just for the record, there's more gays than Asians
in the Premiership.
In fact, there's plenty more gays than Asians
at United, which is why they're so successful.
Are you saying they're successful because they
don't got any Asians playing for them?
Fucking racist bastard!
MAN: Leave it Chesney!
[interposing voices]
Chesney!
What are you doing, dickhead?
Calm down!
Deep breaths.
Hands up if you want Bruce to manage the second half.
[music playing]
Full house, kings and queen.
[glass breaking]
You all right, Mimi?
I'm not feeling myself.
Is that all?
Breathlessness, mood swings, tiredness, my skin's
crawling with spiders.
An overly dry vagina?
But I don't like to complain.
Yeah.
I'm probably dying.
Well, you're on the change.
Has your previous dried up, yet?
There you go, menopause.
You're just like me now.
[music playing]
Keep an eye out for a watery discharge.
Your vagina walls might [inaudible]..
[inaudible]
Your brother is a managerial genius.
Manager?
I as a genius.
But it wasn't just me or him, it was the whole team.
Thanks all around.
Fuck off.
You were missed, you know.
Thanks.
I couldn't have gone.
Not with my gut.
I think it was that dodgy Chinese I had last night.
What was his name?
I shagged a Chinese guy, once.
10 minutes later it was horny all over again.
That's racist.
It's a joke, homophobe.
It's a shame there's no more games, isn't it?
Maybe there could be.
What do you get out of it?
[inaudible],, public adoration, respect.
And permission to gaze at all the sweaty men
running around in shorts.
[laughter]
[music playing]
[MUSIC - THE STONE ROSES, "(SONG FOR MY) SUGAR SPUN SISTER)"
Her hair soft drifted snow, death white,
I want to know what she hates all that she does.
But she gives--
[buzzer]
[MUSIC - THE STONE ROSES, "(SONG FOR MY) SUGAR SPUN SISTER)"
--it all she's got.
Until the sky turns green, the grass
is several shades of blue, every member
of Parliament trips on glue.
Dark, isn't it?
I asked you to come for a night.
[MUSIC - THE STONE ROSES, "(SONG FOR MY) SUGAR SPUN SISTER)"
Until the sky turns green, and the grass is
several shades of blue, every member
of Parliament trips on glue.
It takes all these things and all our time.
It takes all these things.
[music playing]
[knocking]
Just a minute!
I'm terribly sorry.
I just wanted to see if everything's OK.
Our last life model--
Mr. Arlington!
Maxine Donnelly.
You haven't changed one bit.
You have.
[music playing]
Better be on form today, lads.
Pulled a lot of strings to get us in this tournament
and laid out entrance and registration fees.
I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think we could win.
Come on, boys!
So get out there and fucking have it!
Come on, boys, let's do this!
ANNOUNCER: And in the title game with round
one, it's "Churchill's Cocks" versus newcomers
"The Knob Jockeys!
[MUSIC - THE VILLAGE PEOPLE, "YMCA"]
It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA.
They have everything that you're meant to enjoy--
I've got the feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
[MUSIC - THE VILLAGE PEOPLE, "YMCA"]
It's fun to stay at the YMCA.
Everyone will think I'm gay.
What's wrong with that?
Women love the gays, don't they?
The gays?
They go mad for it.
Want to turn you straight and all that.
Yes, Ches.
It's a gay tournament, but first prize is a grand.
That would cover fees for next year
and leave us with enough for a big fuck off party.
[whistle]
What do you reckon?
Go gay for pay.
Hands up all those who think we should get the fuck out
of here and go home right now.
Oh, fuck it.
I don't mind. - Me neither.
I just want to kick around.
We might win something.
Are you being serious?
Carl?
[cheering]
[music playing]
Bit of a romantic on the quiet aren't you?
[music playing]
Couldn't get a little fire started, though, could you?
You smooth bastard.
[laughter]
Could be like this all the time.
But this isn't real life.
I'm [inaudible].
I'll look after you.
It's not like a cold, awfully.
I know.
I know it might not be easy, and I know
we'll have shit to deal with.
But I've thought about it, Karen.
I've thought about nothing else.
I'll do anything.
I want you.
[music playing]
[crying]
And you.
Ian!
MAN: Find some space, Carl.
Yes!
[cheering]
[music playing]
It's easy.
[inaudible]
ANNOUNCER: 6-2, the fabulous "Knob Jockeys!"
[music playing]
Observe the lines of the body.
See how they flow into each other to form relationships.
OK.
Pay particular attention to the places
where the lines form space, areas we can't see,
where innocent lines cross and create space, shade.
[music playing] Forbidden areas.
[knocking]
Just a minute!
That's a really bad habit you've got.
Should it not be, knock, wait, then come in?
I probably said the same thing to you, back in school.
Couple of times, yeah.
Sorry it's not very much.
Wasn't really doing it for the money, to be honest.
Doing it for the love?
Kind of.
I wanted to do some art, but I'm shit.
This is the nearest thing to it.
You're not shit.
You made some great sculptures for me, back in my class.
I suppose I was always quite good with my hands.
Not like that, Mr. Arlington.
Marc.
We're both adults now.
Can I give you a lift home?
One team of puffs stands between us and 1,000 quid.
So listen, you are giants.
You are city--
Barcelona, Brazil.
You are kings, so get out there and murder them.
Come on boys. MAN: Yes.
Keep it nice and tight.
[music -"rocky" theme]
[applause]
ANNOUNCER: We welcome into the arena, our reigning champions.
I'm sure you'll give it up for the mighty Sparta [inaudible]..
Fuck.
[music -"rocky" theme] Trying hard now.
[whistle]
[crowd noise]
[cheering]
[music playing]
He sounds nice.
Nice.
Yeah, he is.
So, what about you, anyway?
Still married to Mrs. Arlington?
Divorced a couple of years back.
You OK?
Yes.
It was all my fault, really.
I had an affair.
You must have heard.
No.
Susanna Royal, couple of years behind you.
You shagged a pupil?
She was 16.
You never tried to shag me!
Another?
I best not.
I should get off.
I mean, I should go.
I'll you a lift.
No, honest, I'm only around the corner.
I insist.
Aaagh!
You're a bunch of fucking pricks, eh?
[whistle]
Fucking.
[music playing]
Ian?
I think I pulled something.
Something?
Not someone?
[inaudible]
That's me.
[music playing]
Thanks, man.
You're welcome.
[music playing]
You're on.
It's 5-0, we're a man down, and there's a minute left.
You'll be letting your mates down, your team.
[whistle]
Ref!
Spitting.
For fuck's sake, Chesney, you have to.
I don't have to do anything.
You're right, Ches, you don't have to.
It's your choice.
And whatever you decide to do is fine by me.
Reverse psychology?
We'll see.
[whistle]
[music playing]
[groans]
Come on, Ches.
[music -"rocky" theme] Getting strong now.
Come on, Ches!
[music -"rocky" theme]
[cheering]
ANNOUNCER: We have our new champions.
All the way from Chatsworth the Knob Jockeys!
[music -"rocky" theme]
Yeah.
That's the [inaudible].
[music playing]
Private art teacher.
You're not allowed in schools anymore then?
No.
Oh.
Of course not.
Well, thanks for the left.
Again?
Oh, perhaps you don't remember.
I picked you up, once, from a bus stop, in the rain.
[music playing]
I uh-- mma.
- What? - No.
What?
I shouldn't.
I wanted to kiss you that day.
I wanted to grab hold of you and kiss you.
And-- fuck you senseless.
Sorry.
I've got to go.
We won.
Brilliant.
How'd you get on?
With Joe?
You said you were going to pop in and give him [inaudible]
the funeral.
Oh, yeah.
I saw him.
He still don't got a lot of mates, so bought me
[inaudible].
I'm just having a shower.
I feel a bit dirty, it's been a long day.
You feel a bit dirty, do you?
Well so do I.
[music playing]
What's up?
I need a shower.
Don't worry about that.
[music playing]
No.
Karen?
We--
What?
We need to talk.
Should we get dressed and then we can talk?
Get dressed?
If we get dressed then we can talk, that's all.
What is it, Karen? What's going on?
Just give me a minute.
- What the fuck is going on? - Give me a fucking minute.
Tell me!
I'm seeing--
I've been seeing someone else.
[music playing]
How have we got here, eh?
I mean, we have so much, the two of us.
I felt like I could do anything, you know, with you, together.
I'm sorry.
No. No, I'm sorry.
It's not all your fault, is it?
It's both of us.
I've not looked after you.
Fuck's sake.
You are my fucking life.
You're my fucking life, Karen, you and Conor.
I'm just going to go to me mom.
Look, I've not exactly been faithful myself.
Oh, come on.
Let's do something together, let's go pictures.
I'll see you later.
Aw, put him down.
You don't know where he's been.
Come on, Canal Street is calling.
Canal Street?
It's a gay presentation, for a gay football tournament,
in a gay bar.
Hardly going to be Witherspoons and Deansgate, now, is it?
Oh, god, yes, Max, I'll keep my beady little eye
on the raging heterosexual.
Fuck off.
Come here.
Come on.
Poor Cinderella left all alone with the housework
while the beautiful boys go to the ball.
[music playing]
You forgot to take it yesterday.
How about the day before? - I don't know.
It was months ago.
Months?
I went out with the boys, I met her in a club.
One thing led to another. and we slept together.
[scratching]
So sorry, Karen.
I didn't mean--
[scratching]
I was angry and I was pissed.
And started to do it for the money.
I mean, we were skint, because--
Because of me?
So it's my fault that you fucked other people?
You fucked other people.
One person.
One.
There's a big fucking difference, Jamie.
I shagged anonymous women I didn't care about, and you--
you went back to the same fucking bloke.
Who is he, Karen?
Who have you been fucking?
[music playing]
Who've you been fucking?
It's none of your business.
Course it's my business!
It's got nothing to do with nothing.
[music playing]
It's got nothing to do--
[growling]
--with nothing.
It's nothing.
it's nothing.
[music playing]
[inaudible]
Oh, come on, Ches.
You're the hero, enjoy yourself.
Sound
[music playing] Work it.
Coming through.
[music playing] Work it out.
[inaudible] get that thing.
Gorgeous.
[music playing] Work it.
You're not going to meet the girl of your dreams
in here, granted.
But nobody will think you're gay,
and no one back in Chatsworth will even know you're here.
So loosen up, You should have a good time.
You heard it, boys.
Ian, Carl.
Remember, act gay.
Not that fucking gay.
It's nice in here, isn't it?
Everyone's very friendly.
[music playing] Come on.
So, when;s the presentation and all that?
Soon as the papers arrive.
Papers?
"Pink News," "Gay News," usually,
but they've had loads more interest, this year.
"Manchester Evening News," a couple of nationals,
there might even be a TV crew.
TV, transvestite?
Or TV, television?
We're going to be famous.
[music playing]
Hiya.
[music playing]
The film doesn't start until 2:00.
Time for a cheeky glass before we go?
Um.
[music playing]
Cheers.
[music playing]
Eggnog?
[music playing]
Ches!
[music playing]
I'd just like to say a few thank you's.
First of all, to all the other teams who battled
it out in the tournament.
Losers!
[cheering]
Thanks to the organizers and everybody here at [inaudible]..
[cheering]
Let's hear it for the winners, the team
from Chatsworth Estate's one and only gay pub,
it's the Knob Jockeys.
[cheering]
[music playing]
A grand's worth of hotel vouchers?
I swear I didn't know until yesterday.
Why would I want to go to the Gay Zone hotel in Barcelona?
Well why wouldn't you?
Fucking quit.
What is your problem?
Him.
[inaudible] mincing about in there
and it makes me fucking sick.
You're bang out of order.
You can fuck off, too.
Another lying faggot.
Yeah, you heard right, Ian Gallagher's a fucking bender.
- They know. - I don't.
Maxine's a bloke.
I know what you're about.
You two, [inaudible] there.
I know what you're doing when you put your hands on my back.
You like the straight blokes, don't you?
Is that what you did with my dad?
Touched him up so you could suck his dick?
Is it?
You touched him up so you could suck him off?
Yeah.
I sucked you dad's cock, he sucked my cock.
He couldn't get enough of it. - Fucking!
But the thing you need to know about your dad, Ches,
is that it weren't me, it were him.
He came on to me.
Believe what you want, it doesn't bother me,
but you need to know the truth.
MAN: I reckon it's time that we're going.
Now.
Got reason to believe that you're not an all gay team.
Who are You you, The bandit police?
Yeah, actually.
And this was an exclusive for gay football tournament.
All right.
We know.
Some of us are gay, some of us aren't.
Here.
Come on, let's bounce.
You - can stay for a bit, Carl.
[music playing]
Canal Street?
Can't.
I'm with someone.
Fine.
[music playing]
It was him?
It was my dad who came on to you?
Come on.
[music playing]
Let's go pictures.
[music playing]
Shit.
I can't do this, I'm sorry.
That's mine and Ian's bed.
Let's do it on the floor, then.
Standing up?
No, I don't want to.
I'm so sorry to fuck you about, Marc,
but this would be the biggest mistake ever
and I can't do that.
Not to Ian.
That's a bit [inaudible].
Sorry.
Marc?
It's my heart.
Can't--
Marc?
Excited, stress.
Oh, fuck.
Fucking hell.
[inaudible]
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Hiya.
Ambulance, please.
27 Shipman Street, Marc Arlington.
[phone ringing]
A myocardial infraction.
Yes, a heart attack.
A fucking heart attack.
[phone ringing]
Fucking A. No, no, no, not you.
I mean, yes, he's still alive.
Can you just hurry up, please?
[phone ringing]
Hi, babesy, all right.
Oh, nothing, you know.
Oh, it's just some shit film.
He'll just turn and go.
Yeah, go for a drink.
Go for a dozen.
Yeah.
I'll just see you whenever.
All right.
Was my father, but he weren't a dad.
He was never there for me.
He never saw me kick a ball, never bought me a pint.
Never.
Fucked off when I was a kid and I never
saw him except when I had a bit of cash
and he wanted something.
But as much as I hated him, he was my father.
Never a dad.
[music playing]
See you later, Dad.
[music playing]
Taxi!
[music playing]
I think it's the egg and cress.
That would be nice.
- Don't like egg. - Since when?
I want pie.
I don't think there are any pies, mother.
There must be some dinky beefs.
It's not a buffet without a dinky beef,
Oh, look.
How about a lovely chicken drumstick.
I want a pie.
Ask if they got any pies, Gwen.
Excuse me, Joe, but do you have any pies?
Sorry.
Thought he'd a laid on a decent spread for his father.
Did you know him?
Did any of you know him?
Well, not strictly, no.
But I mean, this is a time when people come together.
You know, when communities unite, it's like,
we were all throwing flowers at Lady Diana's coffin.
Shut it, Frank.
[inaudible]
Sorry about the loss.
I was just checking in on Karen, she's a bit all over the place
at the minute.
Strictly between us, we're going through a bit of a rough patch.
She's been having an affair.
It's over now.
I think we're going to make a go of it.
Enough about me, hey?
Two pints, please Nick.
Each.
And that's just for starters.
Bruce is paying, aren't you mate?
Yeah.
Bruce [inaudible].
What's up Bruce?
Drinks all around.
You all right, mate?
I will be.
Assume.
I'll understand if you--
What?
--if you've thought about giving me a blow job.
I don't ever want you to do it or anything,
but I'll understanding if you've had a sly wank
over the thought of it.
Fuck off!
[music playing]
Another beer, Joe?
Listen, I know how hard it is to lose someone close,
but it will get easier, I promise.
The meantime, if you need to chat, a beer, whatever--
if there's anything either of us can do, anything at all,
just ask.
Anything?
Yeah.
Your wife.
I want your wife, who I've been fucking
on and off for nearly a year.
We don't want to waste any more time sneaking around your back,
so I'd like her to come with me.
I'd like my son, too.
You'll be wanting your change, then.
Think you better get your coat.
[music playing]
Nothing happened, Ian.
I swear it on my life.
Nothing.
Nothing happened.
I thought about it and I nearly did, but I didn't.
I couldn't.
I love you.
What the fuck?
What the fuck have you done, Joe?
We, Karen, we.
What the fuck have we done.
You should have left it to me.
I couldn't wait, life's too short.
You don't know what he'll do.
I'll deal with it.
DNA tests, psychiatric reports, court cases.
[music playing]
He won't leave us be.
Let's kill the cunt.
No.
Jamis.
No.
This is my shit and I'll fix it.
I don't need help from any of you unless I ask for it,
you got that?
He's a convicted fucking murderer.
What's going to stop him doing it again?
[music playing]
He isn't the sort of bloke who just walks away from stuff.
[music playing]
[baby crying]
We could go.
We could get Conor and leave right now.
No.
It's not safe.
He'll kill us.
You, me.
This is when he's at his worst.
You don't know what he's thinking,
what he's planning on doing.
And this-- this is when he's either going to lock
the doors and go to bed or--
[knocking]
I've double locked the shop, the flat, with chains,
bolts, CCT.
[music playing]
What you doing?
You're not going out there.
Not knackering up my best clothes.
This isn't a little kid's fight.
- I'm not hiding away. - You're not at school.
He's not Just going to slap you about a bit,
he's going to fucking kill you.
I'll be ready for it.
No. Joe!
Jamie?
Joe, please don't.
Jamie, I know you're out here.
Come back inside, Joe, please.
Jamie!
We're going to have to sort this out.
I know that your pride is--
Fuck off!
I've not come to see you, you weasley little fuck.
Karen!
What?
This is your last chance.
Come home, we Can work through this.
Come home.
What do you say?
[music playing]
Brought someone to see you.
[music playing]
No!
It's me dad.
Fuck!
[music playing]
Joe!
Joe, get up!
[music playing]
Karen's looking a little bit tired, isn't she?
Shattered.
I heard she's not been taking her meds.
She'll go mental again.
Should I call the hospital?
Get a section?
Don't worry about it, mate.
I'll look after her for you.
Where's Conor?
Where the fuck is my son?
Far away from you.
Jamie?
Get her out.
He's safe from you.
What do you mean?
Karen.
Jamie, where the fuck is my son?
Go on, fuck off.
Where is my son?
Fuck off.
He's my son!
I want my son! - Fuck off.
[inaudible]--
Conor!
Mental fucking bitch.
[inaudible] Karen.
Piss off, you fucking trollop.
No! No!
I want my son.
JOE (VOICEOVER): My dad didn't give a fuck
about right and wrong, fallout, consequences, because they
never affected him.
Cause and effect.
Whatever we do has an effect.
Maybe not for us, at first, but for everyone else it does.
It always does.
The way you live your life, the things you do,
the choices you make, will have an effect
somewhere along the line.
And you might not give a shit, you're just a butterfly,
fluttering its wings.
But on the other side of the world--
[theme music] Ba ba ba ba.
Ba ba da ba da ba.
Ba ba da ba.
Ba ba da ba da ba.
Ba da ba, ba ba da ba.
Ba ba ba ba ba.
[cackle]
Fancy a little fire, scarecrow?
No!
No, oh, please.
Don't be a cunt.
[cackle]
I'm melting!
[music playing]
Who'd have thought a good little girl like you
could destroy my beautiful witchiness.
Fuck.
[music playing]